Grow up kids.The world is full of opportunities. Stop blaming your parents for all of your problems and take responsibility for your own actions. We did our job, now it's time for you to do yours. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish when you get out there and put forth some effort. You'll be proud of what you can do. And much happier.
My 18 yr old son making poor decisions, was told to leave the house and has not been heard from since. The pain and worry comes in waves. Thank you for your words
There is no perfect answer, you can give them a perfect home growing up and they will be influenced by bad people and change overnight. It will send you into the brink of insanity trying to figure out the "whys"....
Too much weight is given to the issue in most cases. Having children is a wonderful part of life. It is not the whole of life. The best parents in the World can have a child that turns out terribly and vice versa. Do your best and demand quality from yourselves and your children.
I wouldn't waste my money on A book, I have A right to live in peace,for I have done my job Nobody is allowed to Define,or Cross my Boundaries and if you Are brave enough to do So you will be treated like any other person that Chooses to cause Me Harm,No Exceptions!
Were you abandoned as a kid? Because I have a 30 yr old that needs me to stop rescuing her, but it's hard because she has kids and issues, etc. But I can't solve her problems. I want to support her emotionally and be an example, but I am being used up because I can't seem to set any boundaries. Neither me or my husband. It's good information for those of us who need another viewpoint and encouragement to stop being enablers.
Great info! Subscribed to you. Have son who is in denial of my disease(chronic) and blasted out at me over phone. Upset and crying I allowed him to manipulate me. Didn't speak for several weeks seen him in a have to case grandfathers b.d. No apology no mention. He has manipulated us his whole life didn't realize until latelyl I need some suggestions how to deal with his denial of six years and how to stop his manipulations without hard feelings if possible.Thank you, Sandra
opportunities for many young people can be very limited. yes, i understand if you have a phd in engineering from MIT, yea you can do well. not everyone has that. unless you are very talented and specialized in an in demand technical field, the competition for jobs, especially decent paying ones, is fierce. immigration is at an all time high, and i love immigrants. however, this creates even more pressure on the low skill job market. many "entry level" jobs that used to be done by young Americans are being taken up by massive numbers of immigrants. this situation has caused a shortage of jobs, and employers can offer lower wages because of the huge supply of workers. i am solidly middle age, and things were starting to get really bad when i was starting out, but no where near as bad as they are now. even a very hard working, ambitious young person (or older person for that matter) may have a very hard time starting out in our current economy.
Remember, strict boundaries with an adult child means leaving them to fend for themselves, which is fine - but be clear you are also sacrificing them caring or helping you when you are elderly. You are either a mother or you are not. You can't hop in at 18, then hope out at 40, then hop back in when your age or situation requires a helping hand.
If you help them becausr they're on a good track already then that's OK...it's enabling poor decisions, swooping in to cushion the fall that has to stop.
"Tough Love" has been around a very long time.She's basically restating Al-anon principals. So, there is really nothing new in what she is saying but, for some people. I guess they're hearing it for the first time.
I love to hear it over and over again! Great topic for any parents who loves their children...we all like to see our children be independent, have a great sense of pride for whatever they do....
My 23 year old daughter moved in with me post COVID and I have had to lay down the boundary that this is my home. MY home. I am allowing her as an adult to stay there. If she cant follow rules and respect my house and me, she can leave.
jeez, ask at kid what it feels like to turn 18 and having to pay their own way, they are living in a world of maddness and they dont just become responsible and move out get a job keep a job, buy ahome and become rockt scientists watch out they will abqandn youwhen yu are old and eed them
what if you are old and disabled. they will tell you to help yourself, hypocrite, many old people dont understand the computer world and its so diffferent to anything the older people understand, its complex, who can deny their kids? What if you end up in jail?
I can't stand when baby boomers (at least that's what my parents generation is) complain about how kids don't do chores like they used to and are so much more spoiled. I find that ageist and ridiculous. Sure, we have luxuries they didn't have like computers and cell phones, but it's not like they were toiling away in the hot sun smashing rocks. They had cars, their parents gave them things, they goofed around. I know my parents would loaf around just as I do.
yes you cant stand baby boomers saying these things. im a child of baby boomers and I can tell you that they were not lying. Where I grew up I lived on a farm my great grand parents passed down through the generations. My brother and I done work on the farm as my great grand parents have done, even when we had technology to do it easier. My best memories of my childhood was the days when I was so exhausted from the work in the field. Kids of my gen. had it easier and so forth., Each gen. say my kid will never go with out or do what I had to do . For people who say this just maybe your life isn't as bad as you thought. From my experience of dating women and hearing this they didn't turn out that bad, they were nice girls just not for me.I will say phones and games like x box are a problem in their own right.
IntoBlackHouse You are wrong about majority of parents who are baby boomers. I chopped wood, hauled water, helped weed gardens, watched and cared for my younger siblings. Dishes that never end. (7 children in our family). Most kids my age did NOT go out to play until REAL chores were done. We did not watch t.v. until chores and homework was done and we had played outside while watching our younger siblings......and it was not a light fluff of once a week, this was daily. I had no loafing, if I dared read a book for fun, it would not last long and would be called to help with something or someone. It built responsibility and reality of what it takes to care for selves, home and contribute. We ALL worked after school jobs and gave a huge chunk to the family coffers. Maybe more than average, but pretty typical for baby boomers. And NO who got "bought" a car? Not one person in our family. We WORKED after school and my husband paid 500.00 for his own car and fixed it himself and his friends all did the same and many times did without a car. I bought my first vehicle at age 24 with my husband. I worked fullitme 3 days out of high school and my husband has worrked over 40 years full time and prior to that 9 years part time after school and summers. Since age 13 when his father was killed in the mines. You don't have a clue what you are talking about. We WORKED and can STILL work circles around you young people. So time to pull up your socks and make your own living and way and don't rely on mommy and daddy.
coolwater55 You sound like a bitter ageist person. Obviously with 7 kids in your family there was a lot of work to be done around the house, more upkeep. Also, it comes down to parenting style. Your parents raised you in a way, again probably due to their abundance in children, that you had to do many chores. Also, I would hardly say most baby boomers were out chopping wood and hauling water. I don't know where in the world you are from, but that certainly isn't what my mom was doing as a kid in suburbia. Neither was my dad. They were certainly allowed to read books, I can tell you that much. My mom bought her first car by paying about a quarter the cost, her parents buying the other portion. My dad went to summer camp. My mom spent her summers at a lake house swimming, watching tv, reading, biking, and hanging out with her friends. Again, it seems like you had a specific way you were raised and there are kids out there in the world that are being raised the same way, right now. Your personal life experience doesn't really tell me much except for just that; it's your experience. You can't project that onto all the other people in your generation and build up this false reality that most people had it your way. I would never say what you went through was easy or that you loafed around, All I am saying is that it is wrong and idiotic for you or any other baby boomer to rant about how easy kids have it these days, how spoiled we are, and then gloat about how tough and rigid life was like in your days. Sure, you can be proud and delight in your childhood (although if my parents ripped a book from my hands I would be so aghast haha). But then leave it at that. Don't negatively judge others for having it slightly more relaxed and comfortable. Don't be a hater. I don't know if you've been aware of the job market, but it has been very tight and hard to break into in the recent years. I can't even tell you how many articles and cover stories discuss this. Also, the childhoods of my generation is marked by financial crisis, with parents being laid off, unable to find jobs, going on food stamps, whole lives being flipped upside down. So think about that when you are attacking the younger generation and calling us spoiled and naive about struggle and real world problems.
IntoBlackHouse You said" I can't stand when baby boomers (at least that's what my parents generation is) complain about how kids don't do chores like they used to and are so much more spoiled. I find that ageist and ridiculous." Calling us ageist and ridiculous. Kids DON"T do chores like we used to. Majority of kids do not. I clarify, I did not always have to chop wood and haul water, but did it enough. Majority of my friends at one time or the other did so too. City people may have had it different. I live in Canada and lived in many small towns and up North too. Life had challenges, but we also had fun. Your parents seemed to have a decent life, but they probably still were expected to do more around the house. The rest of your post is subjective and presumptuous about my life.
IntoBlackHouse you brought up the topic about my generation complaining about doing more. Well I do NOT complain in the way you think, that was my life. However, dishwashers and many modern conveniences make life easier in tthis day and age. And at times we did have a wood stove to cook on and a wringer washer and no dryer, clothes were hung on the line, even in winter at times and brought in to heat by the stove. It built character and appreciation. So your parents are trying to instill appreciation for what you do have and you see it as a slam. But, unless you do that kind of hard work, you wont get it. Telling is never enough. So, just be grateful, instead of complaining about your parents stories and get on with what you have to in life to show them proud and for your sake too. The topic was also NOT about who had challenges or not, I do not deny each generation has challenges. But get out and vote well, because the US and Canada have leaders who allow companies to hire foriegn workers for cheap labour by the droves and that is why unemployment is high. That is a political argument. And guess what kids can get out and work at McDonalds, restaurants always need help.....that is what we did and then other jobs came later. Not easy, and sometimes one has to babysit or do jobs that are not ideal. Sitting in a basement playing X box does not get one a job, but doing a resume and pounding the pavement does.
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Grow up kids.The world is full of opportunities. Stop blaming your parents for all of your problems and take responsibility for your own actions. We did our job, now it's time for you to do yours. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish when you get out there and put forth some effort. You'll be proud of what you can do. And much happier.
My 18 yr old son making poor decisions, was told to leave the house and has not been heard from since. The pain and worry comes in waves. Thank you for your words
Debbie Belden l agree with you
From a child who is not a child anymore, thank you so very much
Bless both of you ladies!
Great subject that deserves its space in our lives. So many struggles.
Great inteview, great book. Boundares are essential in every relationship in our lives
.
i am very grateful to come across this video. i am in this situation and feel like im in a nightmare.
Me too.
@@pattycakes1969 me three.
There is no perfect answer, you can give them a perfect home growing up and they will be influenced by bad people and change overnight. It will send you into the brink of insanity trying to figure out the "whys"....
I pray I can do what you have done..thank you for writing this book, and saying it is OK to walk away from the wreckage/carnage of their own making..
Too much weight is given to the issue in most cases. Having children is a wonderful part of life. It is not the whole of life. The best parents in the World can have a child that turns out terribly and vice versa. Do your best and demand quality from yourselves and your children.
And yes I enjoyed hearing this in NZ today what a great lady to do life on her own and to write a book to help others
I wouldn't waste my money on A book, I have A right to live in peace,for I have done my job Nobody is allowed to Define,or Cross my Boundaries and if you Are brave enough to do So you will be treated like any other person that Chooses to cause Me Harm,No Exceptions!
What a courageous way to live.
Awesome comment and so true. I totally agree.
Thank you, I needed this this morning,
First time hearing about this book. Ordering.
It's called TOUGH LOVE people!
Were you abandoned as a kid? Because I have a 30 yr old that needs me to stop rescuing her, but it's hard because she has kids and issues, etc. But I can't solve her problems. I want to support her emotionally and be an example, but I am being used up because I can't seem to set any boundaries. Neither me or my husband. It's good information for those of us who need another viewpoint and encouragement to stop being enablers.
J Browning me too 😞
Generational curses come down harder on each generation for 4 generations
This is what we are seeing
My god you are so right and my god it is so hard 🧡
Great info! Subscribed to you. Have son who is in denial of my disease(chronic) and blasted out at me over phone. Upset and crying I allowed him to manipulate me. Didn't speak for several weeks seen him in a have to case grandfathers b.d. No apology no mention. He has manipulated us his whole life didn't realize until latelyl I need some suggestions how to deal with his denial of six years and how to stop his manipulations without hard feelings if possible.Thank you, Sandra
INTERCEDE in PRAYER
opportunities for many young people can be very limited. yes, i understand if you have a phd in engineering from MIT, yea you can do well. not everyone has that. unless you are very talented and specialized in an in demand technical field, the competition for jobs, especially decent paying ones, is fierce. immigration is at an all time high, and i love immigrants. however, this creates even more pressure on the low skill job market. many "entry level" jobs that used to be done by young Americans are being taken up by massive numbers of immigrants.
this situation has caused a shortage of jobs, and employers can offer lower wages because of the huge supply of workers.
i am solidly middle age, and things were starting to get really bad when i was starting out, but no where near as bad as they are now. even a very hard working, ambitious young person (or older person for that matter) may have a very hard time starting out in our current economy.
Nahh....Most young adults always got excuses for things they haven't even tried yet...Just scared to try new things and be responsible...That's it
Amen.
Wow..
Remember, strict boundaries with an adult child means leaving them to fend for themselves, which is fine - but be clear you are also sacrificing them caring or helping you when you are elderly. You are either a mother or you are not. You can't hop in at 18, then hope out at 40, then hop back in when your age or situation requires a helping hand.
What makes you think that they will help you when you are older if you put up with their crap?
skynet000001
Exactly!
skynet000001 Thank You. Mine isn't going to take care of me no matter what I do ...so why take the crapola?
If you help them becausr they're on a good track already then that's OK...it's enabling poor decisions, swooping in to cushion the fall that has to stop.
Sounds like Al-anon principals.
"Tough Love" has been around a very long time.She's basically restating Al-anon principals. So, there is really nothing new in what she is saying but, for some people. I guess they're hearing it for the first time.
I love to hear it over and over again! Great topic for any parents who loves their children...we all like to see our children be independent, have a great sense of pride for whatever they do....
What if they are mentally ill and you fear they will hurt themselves? It’s not the same putting your foot down on a normal adult kid.
Oh but I am struggling my 23 year old daughters moved her boyfriend in and he will not leave and they're both slobs and very mouthy
My 23 year old daughter moved in with me post COVID and I have had to lay down the boundary that this is my home. MY home. I am allowing her as an adult to stay there. If she cant follow rules and respect my house and me, she can leave.
jeez, ask at kid what it feels like to turn 18 and having to pay their own way, they are living in a world of maddness and they dont just become responsible and move out get a job keep a job, buy ahome and become rockt scientists watch out they will abqandn youwhen yu are old and eed them
what if you are old and disabled. they will tell you to help yourself, hypocrite, many old people dont understand the computer world and its so diffferent to anything the older people understand, its complex, who can deny their kids? What if you end up in jail?
I can't stand when baby boomers (at least that's what my parents generation is) complain about how kids don't do chores like they used to and are so much more spoiled. I find that ageist and ridiculous. Sure, we have luxuries they didn't have like computers and cell phones, but it's not like they were toiling away in the hot sun smashing rocks. They had cars, their parents gave them things, they goofed around. I know my parents would loaf around just as I do.
yes you cant stand baby boomers saying these things. im a child of baby boomers and I can tell you that they were not lying. Where I grew up I lived on a farm my great grand parents passed down through the generations. My brother and I done work on the farm as my great grand parents have done, even when we had technology to do it easier. My best memories of my childhood was the days when I was so exhausted from the work in the field. Kids of my gen. had it easier and so forth., Each gen. say my kid will never go with out or do what I had to do . For people who say this just maybe your life isn't as bad as you thought. From my experience of dating women and hearing this they didn't turn out that bad, they were nice girls just not for me.I will say phones and games like x box are a problem in their own right.
IntoBlackHouse You are wrong about majority of parents who are baby boomers. I chopped wood, hauled water, helped weed gardens, watched and cared for my younger siblings. Dishes that never end. (7 children in our family).
Most kids my age did NOT go out to play until REAL chores were done. We did not watch t.v. until chores and homework was done and we had played outside while watching our younger siblings......and it was not a light fluff of once a week, this was daily. I had no loafing, if I dared read a book for fun, it would not last long and would be called to help with something or someone. It built responsibility and reality of what it takes to care for selves, home and contribute.
We ALL worked after school jobs and gave a huge chunk to the family coffers. Maybe more than average, but pretty typical for baby boomers. And NO who got "bought" a car? Not one person in our family. We WORKED after school and my husband paid 500.00 for his own car and fixed it himself and his friends all did the same and many times did without a car. I bought my first vehicle at age 24 with my husband. I worked fullitme 3 days out of high school and my husband has worrked over 40 years full time and prior to that 9 years part time after school and summers. Since age 13 when his father was killed in the mines. You don't have a clue what you are talking about. We WORKED and can STILL work circles around you young people. So time to pull up your socks and make your own living and way and don't rely on mommy and daddy.
coolwater55 You sound like a bitter ageist person. Obviously with 7 kids in your family there was a lot of work to be done around the house, more upkeep. Also, it comes down to parenting style. Your parents raised you in a way, again probably due to their abundance in children, that you had to do many chores. Also, I would hardly say most baby boomers were out chopping wood and hauling water. I don't know where in the world you are from, but that certainly isn't what my mom was doing as a kid in suburbia. Neither was my dad. They were certainly allowed to read books, I can tell you that much. My mom bought her first car by paying about a quarter the cost, her parents buying the other portion. My dad went to summer camp. My mom spent her summers at a lake house swimming, watching tv, reading, biking, and hanging out with her friends.
Again, it seems like you had a specific way you were raised and there are kids out there in the world that are being raised the same way, right now. Your personal life experience doesn't really tell me much except for just that; it's your experience. You can't project that onto all the other people in your generation and build up this false reality that most people had it your way.
I would never say what you went through was easy or that you loafed around, All I am saying is that it is wrong and idiotic for you or any other baby boomer to rant about how easy kids have it these days, how spoiled we are, and then gloat about how tough and rigid life was like in your days. Sure, you can be proud and delight in your childhood (although if my parents ripped a book from my hands I would be so aghast haha). But then leave it at that. Don't negatively judge others for having it slightly more relaxed and comfortable. Don't be a hater.
I don't know if you've been aware of the job market, but it has been very tight and hard to break into in the recent years. I can't even tell you how many articles and cover stories discuss this. Also, the childhoods of my generation is marked by financial crisis, with parents being laid off, unable to find jobs, going on food stamps, whole lives being flipped upside down. So think about that when you are attacking the younger generation and calling us spoiled and naive about struggle and real world problems.
IntoBlackHouse You said" I can't stand when baby boomers (at least that's what my parents generation is) complain about how kids don't do chores like they used to and are so much more spoiled. I find that ageist and ridiculous."
Calling us ageist and ridiculous. Kids DON"T do chores like we used to. Majority of kids do not.
I clarify, I did not always have to chop wood and haul water, but did it enough. Majority of my friends at one time or the other did so too. City people may have had it different.
I live in Canada and lived in many small towns and up North too. Life had challenges, but we also had fun.
Your parents seemed to have a decent life, but they probably still were expected to do more around the house. The rest of your post is subjective and presumptuous about my life.
IntoBlackHouse you brought up the topic about my generation complaining about doing more. Well I do NOT complain in the way you think, that was my life.
However, dishwashers and many modern conveniences make life easier in tthis day and age. And at times we did have a wood stove to cook on and a wringer washer and no dryer, clothes were hung on the line, even in winter at times and brought in to heat by the stove. It built character and appreciation. So your parents are trying to instill appreciation for what you do have and you see it as a slam. But, unless you do that kind of hard work, you wont get it. Telling is never enough.
So, just be grateful, instead of complaining about your parents stories and get on with what you have to in life to show them proud and for your sake too.
The topic was also NOT about who had challenges or not, I do not deny each generation has challenges. But get out and vote well, because the US and Canada have leaders who allow companies to hire foriegn workers for cheap labour by the droves and that is why unemployment is high.
That is a political argument. And guess what kids can get out and work at McDonalds, restaurants always need help.....that is what we did and then other jobs came later. Not easy, and sometimes one has to babysit or do jobs that are not ideal.
Sitting in a basement playing X box does not get one a job, but doing a resume and pounding the pavement does.
Boohoo!
Just wait