"Okay Michael, well how are ya gonna do the robots?" "I think we're gonna do the frenetic editing, you know, really tight close ups." "That's great. How are you gonna do the bit with the car?" "Well we're gonna do really frenetic editing, and wobbly cam and really tight." "That's great. How are you gonna do the sensitive scene between the boy-" "Well I think we're gonna start with a shot of his face, THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REALLY REALLY, FRENETIC-" Thank you Kermode. Just thank you.
"You have helicopters which turn into robots, robots which turn into cars and sadly what you don't have is director Michael Bay turning into a director who can direct at all" HAHAHAHA. Brilliant. Mark Kermode is the best!
I would describe the as "Too fast yet too slow" meaning that it was very streched and very slow moving, yet it was horribly edited. This man knows his movies!
if you think about it, films nowadays have to have big budget special effects. Its sweet for the eyes and makes us watch it more. Nowadays people are more naive and expect that from a film.
He is probably right. When I saw the movie I remember coming out having had my brain fried by Bays explosion of a film, I just wanted to forget about it rather than analyze what happened.
I managed to fall asleep near the end. It was a late night, but still: with all the explosions, I still don't know how Michael Bay managed to make the final act boring.
I waited 20 years for a live action Transformers movie too... and I still am. I haven't seen the Michael Bay ones and I never shall. Their mere existence upsets me more than if the Transformers had just faded into obscurity, never to be seen again.
Spot on once again Mark, I point everyone towards an episode of South Park dubbed Imagination Land; Secretary Of Defence: Those aren't ideas, those are special effects. Michael Bay: I don't understand the difference. Secretary Of Defence: I know you don't.
I fondly remember my Optimus Prime, my Starscream, my Sidewinder, my Bumblebee, my Grapple, my Megatron toys as a kid. I even remember seeing the very first Transformers movie with my dad back in the 80s. However, I actually sat through this film one day when it came on TV, and it was so bad I actually felt nauseous. Suffice it to say I will not be watching the sequels. Michael Bay, JUST GO AWAY!
The thing about Transformers is that its one of those film I watch for light entertainment. I don't take it too seriously, it won't provide me with any great insight and it won't challenge my view of the world. The thing about Mark Kermode is that I'll listen to him for light entertainment. I don't take him too seriously, he doesn't provide me with any great insight and he doesn't challenge my view of the world.
You are either watching this in Braille or haen't seen too many Michael Bay movies. This was Bay through and through. No time for story, no time for dialogue, just blowing shit up at sunset.
Michael Bay may not have been given the best story to work with, but as far as visuals go, I think the visual story telling was great. the film could have done with some more long shot, but other than that, I think visually it was great. sound was great too. I heard every word they said the three times I saw it and on the DVD. Dude needs a new hearing aid.
WHAT are you talking about??? TF2 is sublime! SO many different classes, maps, weapons and modes, beautiful and colourful graphics, endless replay val... Oh wait, THAT TF2...
Thought they were ugly and badly designed. If there as anything nice to bee seen it was ruined by terrible coding, awful lighting effects and dreadful camera work. Spielberg showed us how to do it with the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Should have been the same here. Nope, not impressed.
To say that Kermode doesn't like crowdpleasing films isn't fair. He liked The Bourne Ultimatum when he finally gave his opinion on it, and it was far and away THE best blockbuster of the year. Same with Batman Begins in 2005 where he said the same thing. These films didn't necessarily make stupid amounts of money, but that's generally because the highest grossing movies like Pirates 2, like Sith, like Spider-Man 3, like Transformers, are usually crap. A bad film is a bad film.
1) Recreated and updated the experience for a new generation of kiddies who want to dream about epic sci-fi conflicts 2) Added enough substance for former kiddies to enjoy a nostalgic trip without thinking "oh dear, this thing I used to love is actually toy-pushing rubbish." The film achieves neither by a long shot.
This sort of review is why the good Doctor is a legend. His point about the masturbation scene in particular is supremely apt, and could apply to just about any Michael Bay film you care to name. Pornographic indeed, in the most literal, dictionary definition, sense.
I'm liking this guy. But I don't care what he says, I like Transformers. Lots of explosions, fighting robots, nice looking CGI...I'm so easily pleased.
to be fair Pirates was a film of a fair ground ride that made up a story for a film. Transformers was a toy that had a story made up for it 20 years ago and the film realistically should have adapted that because in a bonkers comic book kind of way the story does work and is kinda of fun and belive it or not honesty did deserve more than the film gave it.....but it does exist to sell toys
@dowling1981 Hes not in it. Hes in Gran Torino... but if he were in Harry Brown, it would probably be a "pissed off old man who squints at people with great intensity, before doleing out justice" role.
The first was a let down for most G1 fans and people with IQs above 70. The second was a letdown for all of humanity. The third one should by this logic should be the film quality equivalent of the apocalypse.
Michael Bay is great with action. I love "Pearl Harbor". HOWEVER, I agree ENTIRELY that the opening story with Hartnett/Affleck/Beckinsale is painful. The military scenes are good. However, the recreation of the attack on Pearl Harbor is one of the most amazing sequences I've ever seen. I liked "Transformers" a lot. It's dumb as a box of hair, but it's fun.
I like Transformers, but I did grow up with it and was crazy bout it as a kid lol, so theres alot of nostalgia there for me. The only thing thats so annoying for me bout this film is the whole teen stuff, it takes up just too much of the damn movie. And Im not mad on Shia either. But the action and how the TF r portrayed in that realistic style, but theres enough of their characters still there that u do recognize them, if u can accept the realistic and Immensely detailed style its done.
that's you're opinion. micheal bay created the famous "got milk" commercials. he directed bad boys, and bad boys 2. he also directed the rock. some of them got good reviews. some got terrible. what i'm trying to say is that micheal bay doesn't make movies that are supposed to have a complex, deep story... he wants it to be fun and for the people to actually like it.
the only thing wrong with the first transformers is the humans. If it focused only on the robot characters, it would have got better reviews. The effects are well done, but the sucky sequels ruined it.
What's funny is not just the CGI effects are great, Micheal Bay doesn't develop the special effects. He just shoots it then picks the best version, he's one of the laziest directors around.
alot the dialogue is pretty dire and unfunny, n there's no much focus on Megan Fox as the female to be leared at, rather than developing any sort of character with her. The acting is bad. The only thing good about this movie is the special effects of the transformers i think, which were well done. Other than that it's a fairly empty loud mess. Followed by even emptier louder and longer messed with the sequels
agreed, thats a horrible film, all the bay transformers film are promotional items. they are completely cynical, incoherent, heartless, sexist and awful. they are just banking systems there to gain as much money as possible from the largest audience possible, in the most horrible and lazy way films can do.
ASobsessive But what's worse is people keep going to see Micheal Bay's movies, so the viewers are more responsible as to why that guy keeps directing catastrophes.
Thing is, Shia Labeuf used to be a decent slash good actor. He was very good in the film version of Holes even though he looked nothing like the character from a weight perspective. Even Stevens you could relate to, and Disturbia he was great in to, his last great film appearance in my opinion. Also as much as I HATE Michael Bay he did direct the Island which is actually a good film, admittedly it can be dumb in places but he somehow does a good job.
he says onanism: Definitions of onanism on the Web: * masturbation: manual stimulation of the genital organs (of yourself or another) for sexual pleasure
When I first saw it I thought it was the best film of all time. However, I have recently rewatched it and think it is fine. Not spectacular, but not insulting or horrible like Mark thinks.
@LivinWorstNightmare You are right. Story is very important. I personally cant watch it if I pay too much attention especially in revenge of the fallen. I guess I was applauding him for the transformation, no pun intended, of toon/toy action to live action. But, it is truly a story with too many holes or random scenes - but I dont remember the story from any of his movies, so I dont expect to on this one or the 3rd.
I didn't realize the Pentagon were known for their taste in filmmakers. I wonder what would happen if Roger Ebert became President as well... Michael Bay is good at one thing and one thing only: Blowing shit up. If you want a good action movie director, go to James Cameron. At least he can string a decent story together.
Uh, well that part of the conversation was just in response to someone making a pretty bad attempt at guessing what type of viewer I was. But yeah before that I was just saying why you can' argue that just because everyone paid to see a movie doesn't mean everyone liked it AFTER they'd finished watching it. (Phantom Menace, anyone?). And just saying "What the fuck are you on about?" is probably a lot more vague than anything I said. I mean, which specific comment don't you understand?
Yes compare them to similar films, would you compare a beatles album to a eminem one? TF2 was good IMO, but if Bay was to make a film with the same quality of iron man or TDK, people would tell him to stick to the way he used to make films.
I think people should understand that the cartoon is all fighting and explosions, the toys well what boy doesnt pretend to blow up things with them, so its a little foolish to assume that the movie would be anything else but what it is. Micheal Bay was the best choice to direct this kind of movie. which is an action flick 100%
How many times have I heard that? I don't expect Chekhov or Shakespeare from action movies but I do expect at least a half-assed effort at a narrative. I love fun movies as much as the next guy but I'm not going to have fun unless I care about what's going on. I just got back from Star Trek and I had a fucking blast. You know why? Because it wasn't just explosions. Buzz words like complex and deep have nothing to do with it. Michael Bay has made one good film only: The Rock.
Okay well you can count this as a nonsequita - it's 'non sequitur'. My first comment was inspired by people weighing in on other Bay films. My second just quoted my favourite part of the review encapsulating why Bay's style is so limited and only suited to exploitation films. My third refuted Kermode not liking 'big' movies. My fourth put paid to ad hominem attacks, and referred specifically to Movie Fan's channel page. 'It does not follow' for you because it isn't aimed at any other reader.
@dowling1981 Nein. I know not of this Witchell that you speak of... (But Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood was great though, although overshadowed by Harry Brown, for me.)
".....What you don't have is Michael Bay turning into a director"
LOOOL!!!
" If he didn't have hundreds of millions of dollars at his disposal he would be directing porn" hahahahahah that's finished me off 😂😂😂
The most articulate film critic ever.
"Okay Michael, well how are ya gonna do the robots?"
"I think we're gonna do the frenetic editing, you know, really tight close ups."
"That's great. How are you gonna do the bit with the car?"
"Well we're gonna do really frenetic editing, and wobbly cam and really tight."
"That's great. How are you gonna do the sensitive scene between the boy-"
"Well I think we're gonna start with a shot of his face, THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REALLY REALLY, FRENETIC-"
Thank you Kermode. Just thank you.
"You have helicopters which turn into robots, robots which turn into cars and sadly what you don't have is director Michael Bay turning into a director who can direct at all"
HAHAHAHA. Brilliant. Mark Kermode is the best!
I read this as it came on
Fuckin did him 😂
The first Transformers movie looks like a classic now when you compare it to the sequels.
Great review, Dr. K....
The uncut review of Revenge of the Fallen, whilst being spot on, had me in absolute stitches. Great work as usual.
I love that Werner Herzog is in the suggestions, since he's like the Anti-Michael Bay
Probably the most accurate depiction of Michael special-effects-explosions-pornographic-shaky-cam Bay ever.
Thumbs up to Dr. Kermode.
I would describe the as "Too fast yet too slow" meaning that it was very streched and very slow moving, yet it was horribly edited. This man knows his movies!
The first Transformers movie looks like a masterpiece compared to the sequels.🤫
Kermode is fucking hilarious.
Michael Bay has absolutely no idea how to pace a film. This movie and all of its atrocious sequels (however many there are) are, simply, cash ins.
WOAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Aye! Aye!
“Reagan Fox”
Spotting exorcist references in kermode reviews is like a mammoth where’s Wally
To be honest, I don't think it was ever an excuse. The first ever blockbuster was Jaws, widely considered one of the greatest films of all time.
I love that Kermode uses the word onanism ;)
I can't hate a man that references "Emanuele and the Last Cannibals" while tearing apart "Transformers."
if you think about it, films nowadays have to have big budget special effects. Its sweet for the eyes and makes us watch it more. Nowadays people are more naive and expect that from a film.
This review is more entertaining than the movie...fantastic.
fantastic! Best review in ages
Well acording to the review it was SO LOUD YOU COULDN"T HEAR ANY. So you probably would have enjoyed it.
Now I want to see _'Emmanuel & the Last Cannibals'._
He is probably right. When I saw the movie I remember coming out having had my brain fried by Bays explosion of a film, I just wanted to forget about it rather than analyze what happened.
2:25 - 2:38: "ALAN! ALAN! ALAN! ALAN! ALAN! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! ALAN! ALAN! ALAN! ALAN!"
I managed to fall asleep near the end. It was a late night, but still: with all the explosions, I still don't know how Michael Bay managed to make the final act boring.
Dr. Mark rules!
I waited 20 years for a live action Transformers movie too... and I still am.
I haven't seen the Michael Bay ones and I never shall. Their mere existence upsets me more than if the Transformers had just faded into obscurity, never to be seen again.
Spot on once again Mark, I point everyone towards an episode of South Park dubbed Imagination Land;
Secretary Of Defence: Those aren't ideas, those are special effects.
Michael Bay: I don't understand the difference.
Secretary Of Defence: I know you don't.
I fondly remember my Optimus Prime, my Starscream, my Sidewinder, my Bumblebee, my Grapple, my Megatron toys as a kid. I even remember seeing the very first Transformers movie with my dad back in the 80s. However, I actually sat through this film one day when it came on TV, and it was so bad I actually felt nauseous. Suffice it to say I will not be watching the sequels. Michael Bay, JUST GO AWAY!
The thing about Transformers is that its one of those film I watch for light entertainment. I don't take it too seriously, it won't provide me with any great insight and it won't challenge my view of the world. The thing about Mark Kermode is that I'll listen to him for light entertainment. I don't take him too seriously, he doesn't provide me with any great insight and he doesn't challenge my view of the world.
Wait...if Mark was talking to James during the screening, isn't he breaching his own code of conduct?
You are either watching this in Braille or haen't seen too many Michael Bay movies.
This was Bay through and through. No time for story, no time for dialogue, just blowing shit up at sunset.
Legendary review.
Little did he know it would only get worse with the sequel.
I like searching for Kermode's reviews of awful films because they're so hilarious.
Brilliant review! :)
Michael Bay may not have been given the best story to work with, but as far as visuals go, I think the visual story telling was great. the film could have done with some more long shot, but other than that, I think visually it was great. sound was great too. I heard every word they said the three times I saw it and on the DVD. Dude needs a new hearing aid.
WHAT are you talking about??? TF2 is sublime! SO many different classes, maps, weapons and modes, beautiful and colourful graphics, endless replay val...
Oh wait, THAT TF2...
The FX were pretty exceptional. Narrative or no narrative I'm guessing that's what brought the audiences in.
Dipak Chowdhury They weren't that good. Couldn't see a fucking thing.
Did you not see the robots? I thought they at least were pretty impressive.
Thought they were ugly and badly designed. If there as anything nice to bee seen it was ruined by terrible coding, awful lighting effects and dreadful camera work. Spielberg showed us how to do it with the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Should have been the same here. Nope, not impressed.
Ok. Fair enough. I have to say I was very impressed by the FX. Those robots looked pretty real to me.
Dipak Chowdhury Personally, I preferred that dancing car ad from the early 2000's.
Ahahahaha! 3:00 onwards is the greatest rant ever. Brilliant stuff Kermode!
I love mark, he's the best film critic out there
Eek, Colin Murray. Reminds us how good Simon Mayo is. The Ernie Wise to Mark's Eric Morecombe.
Nobody in all this time has said a thing about the blatant consumerism and product placement? Then I will. And I just did.
Mark should check out the adaptation of Transformers: The War Within on TH-cam, it shows what a Transformers film should be.
Read again before making a comment. ;) I said: "It is LIKE saying Juno is boring, because it is about a pregnant girl."
To say that Kermode doesn't like crowdpleasing films isn't fair. He liked The Bourne Ultimatum when he finally gave his opinion on it, and it was far and away THE best blockbuster of the year. Same with Batman Begins in 2005 where he said the same thing.
These films didn't necessarily make stupid amounts of money, but that's generally because the highest grossing movies like Pirates 2, like Sith, like Spider-Man 3, like Transformers, are usually crap.
A bad film is a bad film.
Transformers kicked ass it was awesome!!
phwoar ey?
go Kermit , go ! You're the best !
1) Recreated and updated the experience for a new generation of kiddies who want to dream about epic sci-fi conflicts
2) Added enough substance for former kiddies to enjoy a nostalgic trip without thinking "oh dear, this thing I used to love is actually toy-pushing rubbish."
The film achieves neither by a long shot.
Anybody here after watching his Rise of the Beasts review? XD
kermode is a god!!! he sure kicks ass, as they, over ANY other reviewer on planet!!!
WHOAAA YEAHHH WHOA . YEHHHHH
@Guitarsthatkill Perhaps you are right. But would Ian Beale agree with his assertions?
This sort of review is why the good Doctor is a legend. His point about the masturbation scene in particular is supremely apt, and could apply to just about any Michael Bay film you care to name. Pornographic indeed, in the most literal, dictionary definition, sense.
I'm liking this guy. But I don't care what he says, I like Transformers. Lots of explosions, fighting robots, nice looking CGI...I'm so easily pleased.
YES! You're so right.
@Guitarsthatkill Lol, yes he does play that role very well. What was Michael Caine's role in Gran Torino?
to be fair Pirates was a film of a fair ground ride that made up a story for a film.
Transformers was a toy that had a story made up for it 20 years ago and the film realistically should have adapted that because in a bonkers comic book kind of way the story does work and is kinda of fun and belive it or not honesty did deserve more than the film gave it.....but it does exist to sell toys
This IS his Kermode at his funniest
@Guitarsthatkill It is a serious issue, for Ian Beale's input has been overlooked. Doth ye portain thum?
I think he liked it...
@Guitarsthatkill Is Harry Brown not a completely different kind of film? (I haven't seen Harry Brown btw)
Kermode is 100% correct about Michael Bay.
@dowling1981
Hes not in it. Hes in Gran Torino... but if he were in Harry Brown, it would probably be a "pissed off old man who squints at people with great intensity, before doleing out justice" role.
The first was a let down for most G1 fans and people with IQs above 70.
The second was a letdown for all of humanity.
The third one should by this logic should be the film quality equivalent of the apocalypse.
Michael Bay is great with action. I love "Pearl Harbor". HOWEVER, I agree ENTIRELY that the opening story with Hartnett/Affleck/Beckinsale is painful. The military scenes are good. However, the recreation of the attack on Pearl Harbor is one of the most amazing sequences I've ever seen.
I liked "Transformers" a lot. It's dumb as a box of hair, but it's fun.
@Guitarsthatkill What is Clint Eastwood's role in Harry Brown?
WOW, i`ve reached the uptight part of youtube !
I like Transformers, but I did grow up with it and was crazy bout it as a kid lol, so theres alot of nostalgia there for me. The only thing thats so annoying for me bout this film is the whole teen stuff, it takes up just too much of the damn movie. And Im not mad on Shia either. But the action and how the TF r portrayed in that realistic style, but theres enough of their characters still there that u do recognize them, if u can accept the realistic and Immensely detailed style its done.
that's you're opinion.
micheal bay created the famous "got milk" commercials. he directed bad boys, and bad boys 2. he also directed the rock. some of them got good reviews. some got terrible.
what i'm trying to say is that micheal bay doesn't make movies that are supposed to have a complex, deep story... he wants it to be fun and for the people to actually like it.
the only thing wrong with the first transformers is the humans. If it focused only on the robot characters, it would have got better reviews. The effects are well done, but the sucky sequels ruined it.
What's funny is not just the CGI effects are great, Micheal Bay doesn't develop the special effects. He just shoots it then picks the best version, he's one of the laziest directors around.
alot the dialogue is pretty dire and unfunny, n there's no much focus on Megan Fox as the female to be leared at, rather than developing any sort of character with her. The acting is bad.
The only thing good about this movie is the special effects of the transformers i think, which were well done.
Other than that it's a fairly empty loud mess. Followed by even emptier louder and longer messed with the sequels
ASobsessive Revenge Of The Fallen is the worst of the worst.
agreed, thats a horrible film, all the bay transformers film are promotional items. they are completely cynical, incoherent, heartless, sexist and awful. they are just banking systems there to gain as much money as possible from the largest audience possible, in the most horrible and lazy way films can do.
ASobsessive But what's worse is people keep going to see Micheal Bay's movies, so the viewers are more responsible as to why that guy keeps directing catastrophes.
she was only 21 when the film came out
Thing is, Shia Labeuf used to be a decent slash good actor. He was very good in the film version of Holes even though he looked nothing like the character from a weight perspective. Even Stevens you could relate to, and Disturbia he was great in to, his last great film appearance in my opinion. Also as much as I HATE Michael Bay he did direct the Island which is actually a good film, admittedly it can be dumb in places but he somehow does a good job.
he says onanism:
Definitions of onanism on the Web:
* masturbation: manual stimulation of the genital organs (of yourself or another) for sexual pleasure
When I first saw it I thought it was the best film of all time.
However, I have recently rewatched it and think it is fine. Not spectacular, but not insulting or horrible like Mark thinks.
What didn't you get that????
@LivinWorstNightmare
You are right. Story is very important. I personally cant watch it if I pay too much attention especially in revenge of the fallen. I guess I was applauding him for the transformation, no pun intended, of toon/toy action to live action. But, it is truly a story with too many holes or random scenes - but I dont remember the story from any of his movies, so I dont expect to on this one or the 3rd.
I didn't realize the Pentagon were known for their taste in filmmakers. I wonder what would happen if Roger Ebert became President as well...
Michael Bay is good at one thing and one thing only: Blowing shit up. If you want a good action movie director, go to James Cameron. At least he can string a decent story together.
It wouldn't be a good action film if you came out being able to hear and think. I liked it.
@Guitarsthatkill Have you seen thine 'Gran Torino' with Nicholas Witchell?
Uh, well that part of the conversation was just in response to someone making a pretty bad attempt at guessing what type of viewer I was.
But yeah before that I was just saying why you can' argue that just because everyone paid to see a movie doesn't mean everyone liked it AFTER they'd finished watching it. (Phantom Menace, anyone?).
And just saying "What the fuck are you on about?" is probably a lot more vague than anything I said. I mean, which specific comment don't you understand?
note the word "looking"
goddam michael bay
@dowling1981 Both have strong similar themes.
Harry Brown is more gritty, brutal and violent. Its a strong Michael Caine movie.
so true about megan fox looking like a 30 year old pole dancer.
Yes compare them to similar films, would you compare a beatles album to a eminem one?
TF2 was good IMO, but if Bay was to make a film with the same quality of iron man or TDK, people would tell him to stick to the way he used to make films.
I think people should understand that the cartoon is all fighting and explosions, the toys well what boy doesnt pretend to blow up things with them, so its a little foolish to assume that the movie would be anything else but what it is. Micheal Bay was the best choice to direct this kind of movie. which is an action flick 100%
@Guitarsthatkill Have you heard the Gran Torino song by Jamie Cullum?
Classic compared to the sequels.
He's right but what did you expect?
Its flippin Transformers for christs sake!
5:18
I raged.
I did enjoy the movie, but it was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed.
@LH270677 They can be.
Sonic asthetics and other asthetics are also asthetics. :)
It's a film based on a series of toys, exactly what was anyone expecting?
Michael Bay set out to make a fun and entertaining movie, and succeeded.
How many times have I heard that? I don't expect Chekhov or Shakespeare from action movies but I do expect at least a half-assed effort at a narrative. I love fun movies as much as the next guy but I'm not going to have fun unless I care about what's going on. I just got back from Star Trek and I had a fucking blast. You know why? Because it wasn't just explosions. Buzz words like complex and deep have nothing to do with it.
Michael Bay has made one good film only: The Rock.
Okay well you can count this as a nonsequita - it's 'non sequitur'.
My first comment was inspired by people weighing in on other Bay films.
My second just quoted my favourite part of the review encapsulating why Bay's style is so limited and only suited to exploitation films.
My third refuted Kermode not liking 'big' movies.
My fourth put paid to ad hominem attacks, and referred specifically to Movie Fan's channel page. 'It does not follow' for you because it isn't aimed at any other reader.
@dowling1981 Nein. I know not of this Witchell that you speak of...
(But Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood was great though, although overshadowed by Harry Brown, for me.)
wonder what would happen if they got Michael bay on the show
@EvilgidgitReturns Yeah I guess everyone has their bills to pay...