My almost sister-in-law was visiting my partner in the hospital when he looked at her and quietly murmured "home." She immediately broke into tears; it breaks your heart when they can only speak a few words, and then they so clearly say "home." A few months earlier I had a similar experience, he was sitting in front of the TV, and for the last month he spoke but made very little sense, but he made eye contact and said so clearly, "you deserve better than me." Jeepers! Talk about bringing you immediately to tears. He passed October 27, I'm torn between missing him, and knowing he is finally at peace.
It is bittersweet. When you believe in a sweet afterlife and know they will be out of this prison of a disease, it’s hard NOT to rejoice in that knowledge. All my love
My mother always wanted to go home. She was missing all her early family. We finally realized she wanted to go home (to heaven) where everyone was waiting for her.
Hi. My name is Carol and I live in the UK. I have just found you on TH-cam and thank goodness for your no nonsense insight into the person suffering from dementia. My 76yr old husband has suffered from Alzheimers and Varicose dementia for six years. I have been told he is now in the late stages and "I want to go home' is one of the many comments he often makes that I didn't know how to deal with. THANK YOU, I now know. I have always believed I need to enter his world in order to communicate and give him (and me) some mental peace but still cling on to the thought that he needs 'truths' . I am beginning to understand that all he actually needs are 'truths' that he can relate too in the world where he now takes comfort.
Thank you so much for this kind, compassionate look at this difficult subject. My mom is right in the middle of this phase, and asks me everyday to take her home, even though she is still in her own home. So challenging!!
I am beyond lucky to have found this video. I finally had to move my grandmother into a nursing home today and my feelings are all over the place and overwhelming. She kept asking when she can go home, and i just never knew what to say and was almost afraid of the question. Even when she did live alone at home up until today, with carers and nurses visiting throughout the day, she would often ask if she can go home. I will most defiantly use this and you are exceptionally kind. Dementia is a very cruel and challenging journey, and I’m terrified of growing old myself. Thank you once again, we are right in the middle of our journey I think, and we have been doing this for years so far. I regularly beat myself up for wishing my grandmother to pass away, but it’s purely to put her out of her misery as she’s 91, and to give the family some peace not having to always worry how she is, etc, and just know she has passed on with this awful dementia behind her. I never thought I’d wish someone dead. Thank you again I will be sure to subscribe and check out more of your videos. I am blessed to have found you on today of all days.
Jojo I’m glad you found me too! Do consider joining us over on the support group on Facebook. It is a solid group of caregivers who know what you are going through! Link above in description. All my love, Vicky
My Mother is 76. Just had to have her put into a home a few months ago. She will often ask when she will be able to leave the "hospital". She isn't in a hospital. Of course I'll be watching this video.
I know exactly how you feel as I had to put my dad in a home. He had dementia. He reached a point where he thought my mum lived in the next room and my nephew lived in the basement of the home. Also his dad visited every afternoon, but after a harrowing hospital visit he said when he got back to the home that he just wanted to go home. Broke my heart. At this point he just have up ,went down hill and died a few days later aged 96. Like you I had wished that he would go in his sleep. You are not alone in thinking that.
Thank you so much to the three comments here, I’m grateful. It’s bizzare to look back on 4 years ago, and how much things have changed since then. Shortly after leaving the initial comment, my grandmother, following years of battling dementia, just sort of gave up, went into a coma of sorts for 5 days and nights, and passed peacefully while we all held a bedside vigil for that week. I grieved her, but she lived a long life, she is back with her beloved husband, it’s the sad but natural order of things. However, what I never had anticipated was that my father would pass away 2 years later at age 60, from an incredibly rare, aggressive and terminal cancer. He woke up one day with a bit of a sore throat, after weeks he went to the doctors, after rounds of various antibiotics not working he was referred to the hospital for tests. He was told he had a few weeks to a maximum of 2 months to live, he passed away just shy of that 2 month mark. The entire family dynamic changed, leaving my mother living alone and grieving terribly. While I’ve made every effort to involve her in many things (I myself am grieving terribly also, and I have ptsd from his actual passing as he unfortunately suffocated to death in my arms, I cared for him at home as he wanted to die at home), mum is very lonely. My mother and I used to be the primary caregivers for my late grandmother (whom the initial post was about). Now, I am slowly developing into caring for my own mother as she has been recently diagnosed with early onset dementia. The reason this is all so strange is because, aside from loosing my father much too soon, my mother and I were a team when caring for my late grandmother. We both were exhausted, we would cry together, laugh together, and we knew many tips and tricks for how to combat difficult times with a relative who has dementia. It’s really weird to be starting to use those techniques on her, she remembers them from when she cared for my grandmother with me. The balance of life is very different, and while I still have my wonderful husband and children, I sort of feel like the last one standing, and it’s a rather lonely place to be. I can of course talk to my husband and he is always caring and supportive, loving, and listening. However, he and I agree that it’s not quite the same because he has never had anyone close to him pass away, neither has he had anyone close to him go through the stages of dementia, and he has never had a 1 to 1 role in caring for a loved one. He has done many things in life that I haven’t, so it’s certainly not a tit for tat, quite the opposite. It’s just an acknowledgement that he can only do so much. There has been no breaks between my loved ones being diagnosed, suffering, and pass away. I was hoping for a short rest after Dad passed, but it’s straight back to dementia care, as if I have to scrap the whole puzzle and go back to the beginning again, except this time I have a fair knowledge of what’s ahead, which is helpful and also very daunting at the same time. Thanks for reading everyone.
My father in law says he wants fo go home as well. He will say everything looks just like this house at the other one. He is still in his home but thinks he has another one just like it. He also says he has several cars. Bless his heart we go get ku Grandaughter from school sometimes and he will be so excited to see her. Dementia patients love children I have learned.
so grateful for you- we are (my sister and I) - dealing with my mom. She so desperately wants to go home. She is lost. 😢 we will try helping her find home in her heart. Thanks for the video.
I had my 93 year old (stage 6) mom count up the age thing too and when she realized that her dad had died years she before she was beyond being consoled. She was mad that nobody had told her and sad. She ugly cried for a long time. That was a many hours disaster. So now I just say that I'm looking forward to meeting her mom and dad. I look forward to sharing recipes with her mom, etc. I tell her their flight got delayed and we will check in with them tomorrow to see when they will arrive. That works. She also thinks we are at the wrong house and is afraid to go to bed in a strangers house. I tell it's a bed and breakfast we are visiting and isn't it lovely?!! Also her parents will love it when they get here. She seems good with that.
Thank you, Vicki. This puts “I want to go home” in a different perspective. I wasn’t thinking of “home” as being a feeling, rather than an actual place. My mother was saying this repeatedly just when I was getting ready to leave after a visit to see her at the nursing home where she has been for about three weeks. Before this, I had her living with me in my home for 2 and 1/2 years, and she used to say it to me there as well. It’s horrible to hear her cry and say this. I appreciate having a new perception of what she may mean. Explaining all of the reasons for why she is in a nursing home just doesn’t cut it.
Thank you so much for this. I was crying when you mentioined the reality orientation, because I've done this with my mom as well who continuously forgets her mom has passed and she asks me everyday, when am I going to see my mom? I want to go home. I need to get back to work. etc. It's very hard to be on top of my toes with whatever comes. Often I feel guilty like I just didn't handle things the right way, when all I want to do is hande things with love. I am an only child caring for my 81 yr. old mom with dimentia (middle stage). Just trying to do the best I can. Thank God for this channel. ❤
Oh sweetheart! Jump in the group on Facebook!! NOBODY had it all figured out. No one!! But we have lots of love and help there. You are not the “only” only child going through this. You won’t be alone over there!! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace All my love, Vicky
My mother who is turning 100 next week has been saying this for a long time now and I faced this again with tears today. I misinterpreted it and probably didn’t do the best job answering her. Thanks for the video. I am going to rewatch. I’ve subscribed.
Home is not a place it is a feeling. Your right! Thank you. I have been hearing this from my husband for the last 6 months at least once a week. He has been in a nursing facility for five years because of this illness. I respond by gently changing the subject and have never been comfortable with my answer to him until now. I’m a new subscriber and look forward to your channel.
You are so sweet and kind and knowledgeable. I learned so much listening to you . "I want to go home" is a feeling! I can use your help to help my husband with PDD. Feeling grateful because of you!
I dread my mother requiring a skilled nursing facility because she loves her home so much she refuses to move to a one story in the same housing area (Leisure World). She says there's no way they're moving. So, I dread this!
Lori Abercrombie don’t dread it! It may go better than you can ever expect!! The disease will change her mind...literally. You just never know how she will react. So do allow dread to move in! ♥️♥️♥️
About the time Daddy started wandering, he would talk about "going home", "needing to see about Mama and Daddy", etc. Mama remembers one time, when he was just so tired, along about sundown, when he said "Hon, let's just go home"... it broke her heart, because they *were* home. But home wasn't where his mind considered home anymore. It wasn't but a matter of weeks before he couldn't live at home anymore. Memory Care was such a blessing for us. He was in a homelike environment, but he couldn't wander and get hurt anymore.
There was one time that my mother took off from a doctor appointment and ended up at our church. (I try to go every day.) Fortunately, I was there on that day. She said on another that she walked all the way “home” which wasn’t the physical home but at church. Hmmm.
My mum has said a couple of times, well when I get better I can get back home, or I will wait until I get home then I will do this or that , she seems to think she’s in a place, she knows it’s not a hospital, but it’s a place that’s going to make her better and get rid of this “thing” she has...I do not have the heart to tell her the truth xxx
Laura Hunter You are exactly right! Don’t take away her HOPE! It’s called “therapeutic redirection”. It’s not lying. We go into their reality, we don’t try to bring them into ours.
Thanks I love your smile and southern comfort. My Mom had a crisis and had to be flown out of state to my home. She feels something is very wrong at “home” but doesn’t know what to do. She is a dear person it breaks my heart to see her hurting and sonlist. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 10 years ago.
Remember to respond to her FEELINGS, and support her through them. Guide her to a calm, safe place emotionally. You can do it!! I’m always available for private consultations vicky@dementiawithgrace.ORG
I think we need you to come speak with some of our people. I could certainly use help. I would love to have you come into a workshop at our facility. They don't give us enough training working with memory care. I'm seeking it out on my own. There's quite a few that sing everyday about going home or try to escape
Hi Vicki, my name is Richard and I’m the primary Caregiver for my wife Linda who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in July 2019. Fairly recently she has been showing signs of dementia progression, including the “I Want to Go Home”. I’ve always told her that I would never lie to her. I’ve lived up to that promise and I have always told her that we no longer own our former home. We now live in a different city but are only 12 miles from our former home. She constantly tells me that she wants to move back to her hometown and no other reason of wanting to go home. I have never given thought to her wanting to go home as a feeling and not about a real location. That makes a great deal of sense. On occasion she has told me that she needed to be back so the kids could get to school. Her two sons are 39 and 43. So, it’s obvious that her perception of reality has been skewed. I realize that maybe I should ask her, What is it that makes you want to go home? I think that may be very interesting t hear the answer to that question and will help me understand what she’s thinking and where her mind is. That way I think I can give her a much more empathetic response to what it is that she may need instead of repeating my past responses, which have done nothing except to create more frustration for both of us. Thanks a lot!
I’m so happy you found help in this video, Richard! I’m so sorry that you and your wife are experiencing this. Please know that every cloud runs out of rain, and every behavior has a natural end.
My mil constantly says i want to go home. At first we thought it was her home here, but gearing this, i believe she wants her childhood home. Her parents have been dead for 40 plus years, and shes constantly asking about them. So i believe she wants them and that home.
Thanks Vicki. This is exactly what I needed to hear and will share this with other family members. Much appreciation for helping caregivers journey through the difficult path of dementia/Alzheimer’s.
Love you Vicky! So thankful for God leading me here to find you! ❤️ My sil is in a locked unit but she wants to ‘go home’. She wants to go ‘to your house’ to ‘momma’s house’ ‘my sister’s house’.... anywhere. She just wants to go. She has also started complaining of feeling like she is having a panic attack and ‘I just need to go outside’. If the weather is pretty and it’s not 2am... the nurses will let her go outside in the courtyard. I’ve wondered if the part of her brain that controls her breathing is being affected? Do they know that they can’t breathe when that happens? I sure do hate this awful disease.💔
Thanks for the insight. This particular issue is one I've had difficulty responding to. This video was very insightful and helpful. Caregiving for my wife in stage 5 (I think) is challenging for many reasons but partly because for most of my life and career I was required to only consider facts, reason and logic. Now it's all upside down and I'm grateful for information like yours that puts things in perspective and provides helpful advice. Thank you!
Gary, please consider joining the group! I link to it in the video description. So many stories, tips and tricks, and loving support! All my love, Vicky
Thank you so much for this! My husband has Alzheimer's disease (diagnosed six years ago) and we recently moved to another state so that I could get support from my family. He is constantly asking when we can go home. This has helped me tremendously!
What if you CAN take them home? Should I do that? 4 hours away. She will occasionally say “let’s go for just a little while”. She will later say “I’m never coming back here”.
Thank you for your patience! I’m just getting to your message!! Sometimes, yes. It helps to “see” or visit the home they are asking about but USUALLY even if they go back, it’s not the home they remember. I think I said it in the video, but I believe Home is a feeling, not a place. It may be in another video. But the concept is that you meet the underlying NEED. Ask what is at home? What do you need to do when you get home? Then figure out a way to answer that need. And then assure her she is safe, loved for, cared for. If you haven’t already, come over to the group. Link in description under video. So much help over there. All my love, Vicky ❤️
My grandma has lived in her own home for 40 years and for about 10 minutes insisted she needed to figure out how to get home. It was so sad to hear because Im on the other side of the country.
This is wonderful . Thank you. I followed your guidance and it’s just wonderful. Compassion works .. I’m able to share in her feelings and provide comfort. I enjoy your videos so much . Thank you
Hi Grace, I am Lolis, my mom has dementia, your words are very comforting for me, could not find the link to your Facebook support group, and I really like to get it…thank you
It is so hard to see my mom like this. It’s torture for her. We have her on Olanzipine, Paxil, Ativan and Tylenol, but she still is hallucinating at times and just in another world, anxious. she’ll give a small smile, then she will be sad and rehearse an old memory. She keeps asking if her babies are dead? I tell her we are not we are all safe and good. She is in late stage and just want this to be over. I keep praying that Jesus will take her home. Is that bad?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish peace for you and your family. My sister sent me this video just now, at 2am. We are going through this with our father. He was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s so I understand how you feel. It’s absolutely natural to wish death when it’s for their peace. This disease is horrible and scary. I think about that so much I start to feel guilty but I do know it’s for his peace, not for him to be gone bc that will be hard. He was the only real parent in our life. We are having to handle everything while his wife does nothing. It’s been a nightmare. She hates us. She’s mean, she doesn’t shower him, take him to the doctor, get meds, nothing. We do it all but we’re the bad guys.. anyways, I’m sorry I turned that about me lol. I wanted to ask you if those meds are helping?? My dad is on seroquel for the hallucinations but we aren’t sure if it’s helping much. His neurologist said there’s not anything else he can prescribe for him, that we would have to see a psychiatrist for anxiety meds..
@@micah.80665 if you put your Dad on Pallative / Hospice care, the doctor will prescribe anti anxiety meds etc. I don’t understand why people don’t understand what Pallative care is. At this point taking your loved ones to Doctors is useless. They need weekly check by a nurse and all that goes w what Pallative/ hospice offers.
I will try this. Thank you. I was wondering what to do about her packing? She was in a Specail care home for 2 months and they couldn’t handle her packing everyday and waiting by the door to go home. She’s pretty angry. Now she’s in a nursing home packing and walking around with her things. Still very angry. What can we do?
Lisa Dixon I just allow the packing. It doesn’t hurt anything, and it may give her some comfort to think she is “doing something” useful. It doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. I ask “Where are you headed”? And allow them to tell me stories about their plans and destinations. Then I will say something like “Well while you wait on your ride, would you join me for a cup of coffee?” Or something similar. Or “let’s have lunch before you head out”. Then at end of day, “we have a bed for you to stay one more night”. Always go into their reality and play. If a three year old packed a bag and said he was going to grandmothers, how would you play along?? Same concept!! All my love! Vicky
I’m so sorry… This is a hard part of the journey. (Like any part of it is easy 😔) One of the things that I try to highlight, is that all behaviors have a natural end. Either because the behavior resolves, or they move into a different part of their dementia journey, and this behavior disappears. Thank you for the comment. I hope that this somehow is resolved in her case. All my love, Vicky ❤️
My mom always asks how she got here, (after she's gone to bed) how come we dropped her off here, why am I here. She thinks dad and I dropped her off somewhere so we could go be with our friends and have fun. When she says she wants to go home, I asked my mom where is home. She said she didn't know, I didn't know what to say them
You respond to the feeling...what is she feeling...scared, lost, “abandoned”? And talk about that. Say “we would never just leave you”But that is scary to think that we did. I’m so sorry you were scared” then reinforce the safety “you are safe here, we are right in the other room” or “you are safe. We are not far away”. Feeling of being left out “Oh, mercy! You thought we would go party WITHOUT you? No way! That must have been a dream. What a lonely feeling though. Goodness. That must have felt awful. We could never have fun if you weren’t with us”...now, depending on the stage and her cognition, you make have to break it down into much smaller chunks. That would be “you are safe” “we are as close as can be” “I am sorry you are mad/sad/lonely” “you won’t ever be lost...pause...I ALWAYS know where you are” ♥️Hope this helps! All my love! Vicky
Thank you so much. I feel my mother would feel more connected to the facility where she is living (memory care) if she connected with some of the staff or her housemates (12 people to a building, it's actually quite nice). But, she doesn't take much interest, saying she will be leaving soon anyway (she has been packing her things into bags to "leave" on a weekly basis). I have had a small amount of progress by asking her to check in on the other people there and see if they need anything, or ask her to help set up meals (the staff let her help). She was a career nurse and has had a big drive to help others in her life. Do you have suggestions on how to get her to connect to her new home (4 months now)?
Oooh! Ever heard this one? “Nurses are the worse patients!” 😉 BRAVO 👏 for asking her to check in with other residents. That’s the first thing I suggest to nurses and non nurses alike; if they feel they are “superior” in ability, etc. Be a helper. I’ve also had success giving them a blank Progress Note or such like and having them “document” on something. And sometimes, they don’t “fully” acclimate until they transition to a lower stage. BUT Something may strike her interest. Or a new resident could move in that she takes a shine to. It’s such an individual journey. Thanks for the comment!
No this is even when they ARE home. And even when they are in a family home or a nursing home, taking them to their former home does not soothe them. I advocate for aging in place OR using care facilities. Whatever is best for the person.
I disagree with the "dementia with grace" about home being a feeling like this young woman is describing in the video. My mom has dementia and when she says she wants to go home, she actually wants to go home. One time after I brought here home from the ER after an accident, it was around 2 a.m. and she refused to get out of the vehicle because she wanted me to take her home where she lived at behind the school in the St Stephens area. She wanted me to take her to her childhood home that she grew up at and at 2 a.m. in freezing cold weather. I just let her sit in the vehicle for a few minutes while I went to unlock the house and came back and told her that everyone was sleeping at your home and she would have to stay with me until tomorrow and then I could take her to her house. She still refused and I got back in the vehicle and drove around for 10 minutes telling her that I could find the way to her home in the dark and then drove her back to her house. She still refused to get out of the vehicle and want to go to her home that she grew up in as a kid. This time I just told her in a firm voice the truth that her brother was at home and asleep and he is not going to let her in the house tonight and I do not have a key to your home so you going to have to come in the house with me so I can call him. She stated she would wait in the vehicle while I made the call. I finally told her in another firm voice, I went in the house for a few minutes and came back out. I told my mom, "listen it is cold out here and you need to come inside, we did not come all the way out here for your to stay in the car. I called your parents and they told me to bring you home in the morning-everyone is asleep and do not want to be woke up by you coming in so late from the hospital." She still wanted to go home, and I finally said as stern as I could, Listen, we need go inside and see if your parents are still here so they can take you home and if not then I will take you home, but you are not going home till you go inside the house first and make sure your dad is not here to take you home." Thank God that lie worked and I got her out of the car and I had to keep telling her on the way into the house that her parents where inside waiting on her to take her home etc. and then when she got inside the house- I had to tell her that I would take her home in the morning and she would have to stay with me tonight. Thank God that lie worked. I had to tell her that this house was hers now since she got married or tell her the house was given to her or she won it. It took me almost 40 minutes to get her inside the house and convince her to stay there. because she wanted to go home where she grew up. She even started to tell me how to get there and where it was located. Let me tell you, at 2 a.m. in the morning, I wished I could have taken her to her old homeplace and let her stay at the house overnight with her brother instead of trying for almost an hour convincing her to stay with me. Sometimes, I wish I owned that house so she could stay there and feel more secure and connect with what memories she has left. So I believe that when a dementia patient says that want to go home- they want to go home literally. Maybe not the home they live in now but it is the home that are remembering like my mom did from her past childhood. When my Grandma had dementia-she wanted to go back home and was mad at the family for putting her in the nursing home. She might have had dementia but she knew where her home was and told the family that she wanted to go back to house that her and her husband had built. My grandma knew where her home was in her past but she did not know who people where or lived in the present. Finally after six months of being in the nursing home, she told my mom that she like being at the nursing home-it felt like home and that she could die there. I really disagree with this segment and the concept of home.
Not every situation is the same, but I try to cover the most likely situation. So sorry your experience was difficult. I have consulted with many families who CAN take their person to the actual home they are describing: the childhood home or the first home of their married life. And it didn't change the behavior. Or they are LIVING in the Home they are describing, but it just doesn't feel like home. Thank you for your response.
It’s hard isn’t it? Just one of those things that grate on your nerves, especially considering other things you face as a caregiver. You are not alone in thinking it. BUT behaviors do have a natural end. One day, it will stop. Hang in there! Here is the group link in case you want to check it out. We understand! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace
My almost sister-in-law was visiting my partner in the hospital when he looked at her and quietly murmured "home." She immediately broke into tears; it breaks your heart when they can only speak a few words, and then they so clearly say "home." A few months earlier I had a similar experience, he was sitting in front of the TV, and for the last month he spoke but made very little sense, but he made eye contact and said so clearly, "you deserve better than me." Jeepers! Talk about bringing you immediately to tears. He passed October 27, I'm torn between missing him, and knowing he is finally at peace.
It is bittersweet. When you believe in a sweet afterlife and know they will be out of this prison of a disease, it’s hard NOT to rejoice in that knowledge. All my love
My mother always wanted to go home. She was missing all her early family. We finally realized she wanted to go home (to heaven) where everyone was waiting for her.
Wow, that's a thought! I never would have thought of that.
Not really...
Hi. My name is Carol and I live in the UK. I have just found you on TH-cam and thank goodness for your no nonsense insight into the person suffering from dementia. My 76yr old husband has suffered from Alzheimers and Varicose dementia for six years. I have been told he is now in the late stages and "I want to go home' is one of the many comments he often makes that I didn't know how to deal with. THANK YOU, I now know. I have always believed I need to enter his world in order to communicate and give him (and me) some mental peace but still cling on to the thought that he needs 'truths' . I am beginning to understand that all he actually needs are 'truths' that he can relate too in the world where he now takes comfort.
Great insight Carol! You are doing fantastic work with him on this journey.
Beautifully said ❣️❣️❣️
Thank you so much for this kind, compassionate look at this difficult subject. My mom is right in the middle of this phase, and asks me everyday to take her home, even though she is still in her own home. So challenging!!
I am beyond lucky to have found this video. I finally had to move my grandmother into a nursing home today and my feelings are all over the place and overwhelming. She kept asking when she can go home, and i just never knew what to say and was almost afraid of the question. Even when she did live alone at home up until today, with carers and nurses visiting throughout the day, she would often ask if she can go home. I will most defiantly use this and you are exceptionally kind. Dementia is a very cruel and challenging journey, and I’m terrified of growing old myself. Thank you once again, we are right in the middle of our journey I think, and we have been doing this for years so far. I regularly beat myself up for wishing my grandmother to pass away, but it’s purely to put her out of her misery as she’s 91, and to give the family some peace not having to always worry how she is, etc, and just know she has passed on with this awful dementia behind her. I never thought I’d wish someone dead. Thank you again I will be sure to subscribe and check out more of your videos. I am blessed to have found you on today of all days.
Jojo I’m glad you found me too! Do consider joining us over on the support group on Facebook. It is a solid group of caregivers who know what you are going through! Link above in description. All my love, Vicky
My Mother is 76. Just had to have her put into a home a few months ago.
She will often ask when she will be able to leave the "hospital". She isn't in a hospital.
Of course I'll be watching this video.
I know exactly how you feel as I had to put my dad in a home. He had dementia. He reached a point where he thought my mum lived in the next room and my nephew lived in the basement of the home. Also his dad visited every afternoon, but after a harrowing hospital visit he said when he got back to the home that he just wanted to go home. Broke my heart. At this point he just have up ,went down hill and died a few days later aged 96. Like you I had wished that he would go in his sleep. You are not alone in thinking that.
Thank you so much to the three comments here, I’m grateful. It’s bizzare to look back on 4 years ago, and how much things have changed since then. Shortly after leaving the initial comment, my grandmother, following years of battling dementia, just sort of gave up, went into a coma of sorts for 5 days and nights, and passed peacefully while we all held a bedside vigil for that week. I grieved her, but she lived a long life, she is back with her beloved husband, it’s the sad but natural order of things.
However, what I never had anticipated was that my father would pass away 2 years later at age 60, from an incredibly rare, aggressive and terminal cancer. He woke up one day with a bit of a sore throat, after weeks he went to the doctors, after rounds of various antibiotics not working he was referred to the hospital for tests. He was told he had a few weeks to a maximum of 2 months to live, he passed away just shy of that 2 month mark. The entire family dynamic changed, leaving my mother living alone and grieving terribly. While I’ve made every effort to involve her in many things (I myself am grieving terribly also, and I have ptsd from his actual passing as he unfortunately suffocated to death in my arms, I cared for him at home as he wanted to die at home), mum is very lonely. My mother and I used to be the primary caregivers for my late grandmother (whom the initial post was about). Now, I am slowly developing into caring for my own mother as she has been recently diagnosed with early onset dementia.
The reason this is all so strange is because, aside from loosing my father much too soon, my mother and I were a team when caring for my late grandmother. We both were exhausted, we would cry together, laugh together, and we knew many tips and tricks for how to combat difficult times with a relative who has dementia. It’s really weird to be starting to use those techniques on her, she remembers them from when she cared for my grandmother with me. The balance of life is very different, and while I still have my wonderful husband and children, I sort of feel like the last one standing, and it’s a rather lonely place to be.
I can of course talk to my husband and he is always caring and supportive, loving, and listening. However, he and I agree that it’s not quite the same because he has never had anyone close to him pass away, neither has he had anyone close to him go through the stages of dementia, and he has never had a 1 to 1 role in caring for a loved one. He has done many things in life that I haven’t, so it’s certainly not a tit for tat, quite the opposite. It’s just an acknowledgement that he can only do so much. There has been no breaks between my loved ones being diagnosed, suffering, and pass away. I was hoping for a short rest after Dad passed, but it’s straight back to dementia care, as if I have to scrap the whole puzzle and go back to the beginning again, except this time I have a fair knowledge of what’s ahead, which is helpful and also very daunting at the same time. Thanks for reading everyone.
My father in law says he wants fo go home as well. He will say everything looks just like this house at the other one. He is still in his home but thinks he has another one just like it. He also says he has several cars. Bless his heart we go get ku Grandaughter from school sometimes and he will be so excited to see her. Dementia patients love children I have learned.
so grateful for you- we are (my sister and I) - dealing with my mom. She so desperately wants to go home. She is lost. 😢 we will try helping her find home in her heart. Thanks for the video.
I had my 93 year old (stage 6) mom count up the age thing too and when she realized that her dad had died years she before she was beyond being consoled. She was mad that nobody had told her and sad. She ugly cried for a long time. That was a many hours disaster. So now I just say that I'm looking forward to meeting her mom and dad. I look forward to sharing recipes with her mom, etc. I tell her their flight got delayed and we will check in with them tomorrow to see when they will arrive. That works. She also thinks we are at the wrong house and is afraid to go to bed in a strangers house. I tell it's a bed and breakfast we are visiting and isn't it lovely?!! Also her parents will love it when they get here. She seems good with that.
You sound like a very giving and positive caregiver. Thank you!💐
Home is a feeling not a place, the wisest words
Thank you, Vicki. This puts “I want to go home” in a different perspective. I wasn’t thinking of “home” as being a feeling, rather than an actual place. My mother was saying this repeatedly just when I was getting ready to leave after a visit to see her at the nursing home where she has been for about three weeks. Before this, I had her living with me in my home for 2 and 1/2 years, and she used to say it to me there as well. It’s horrible to hear her cry and say this. I appreciate having a new perception of what she may mean. Explaining all of the reasons for why she is in a nursing home just doesn’t cut it.
Yes, it is a revelation to most people! And absolutely reasoning no longer works when they can no longer remember where they are. All my love, Vicky
Thank you so much for this. I was crying when you mentioined the reality orientation, because I've done this with my mom as well who continuously forgets her mom has passed and she asks me everyday, when am I going to see my mom? I want to go home. I need to get back to work. etc. It's very hard to be on top of my toes with whatever comes. Often I feel guilty like I just didn't handle things the right way, when all I want to do is hande things with love. I am an only child caring for my 81 yr. old mom with dimentia (middle stage). Just trying to do the best I can. Thank God for this channel. ❤
Oh sweetheart! Jump in the group on Facebook!! NOBODY had it all figured out. No one!! But we have lots of love and help there. You are not the “only” only child going through this. You won’t be alone over there!! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace All my love, Vicky
My mother who is turning 100 next week has been saying this for a long time now and I faced this again with tears today. I misinterpreted it and probably didn’t do the best job answering her. Thanks for the video. I am going to rewatch. I’ve subscribed.
Home is not a place it is a feeling. Your right! Thank you. I have been hearing this from my husband for the last 6 months at least once a week. He has been in a nursing facility for five years because of this illness. I respond by gently changing the subject and have never been comfortable with my answer to him until now. I’m a new subscriber and look forward to your channel.
That's the most heartbreaking part of the whole thing I'm lucky because my mom likes it there
My Mom is an assistant living and she constantly says she wants to go home so thank you so much!!
Joann
You are so sweet and kind and knowledgeable. I learned so much listening to you . "I want to go home" is a feeling! I can use your help to help my husband with PDD. Feeling grateful because of you!
I dread my mother requiring a skilled nursing facility because she loves her home so much she refuses to move to a one story in the same housing area (Leisure World). She says there's no way they're moving. So, I dread this!
Lori Abercrombie don’t dread it! It may go better than you can ever expect!! The disease will change her mind...literally. You just never know how she will react. So do allow dread to move in! ♥️♥️♥️
About the time Daddy started wandering, he would talk about "going home", "needing to see about Mama and Daddy", etc. Mama remembers one time, when he was just so tired, along about sundown, when he said "Hon, let's just go home"... it broke her heart, because they *were* home. But home wasn't where his mind considered home anymore. It wasn't but a matter of weeks before he couldn't live at home anymore. Memory Care was such a blessing for us. He was in a homelike environment, but he couldn't wander and get hurt anymore.
Your alphabetical approach is 200% brilliant! This way I can remember the key topics after I close you tube... thanks 1 000 000.
I agree because 10 seconds after the conversation my Mom forgets about it, but the feelings remain. The happy feelings.
Good! Thanks for your kind words!
There was one time that my mother took off from a doctor appointment and ended up at our church. (I try to go every day.) Fortunately, I was there on that day. She said on another that she walked all the way “home” which wasn’t the physical home but at church. Hmmm.
We’re dealing with this now. Your video’s are very informative and graceful. Thankful for all the support. God bless you and yes this is a ministry.
My mum has said a couple of times, well when I get better I can get back home, or I will wait until I get home then I will do this or that , she seems to think she’s in a place, she knows it’s not a hospital, but it’s a place that’s going to make her better and get rid of this “thing” she has...I do not have the heart to tell her the truth xxx
Laura Hunter You are exactly right! Don’t take away her HOPE! It’s called “therapeutic redirection”. It’s not lying. We go into their reality, we don’t try to bring them into ours.
When dementia patients ask to go home, tell them you will take them tomorrow. My friend did this with her Mum, who was in a care home, and it worked.
Vielen vielen Dank. This is absolutely helpful. I have to watch all your videos. Please make some more.
Thanks I love your smile and southern comfort. My Mom had a crisis and had to be flown out of state to my home. She feels something is very wrong at “home” but doesn’t know what to do. She is a dear person it breaks my heart to see her hurting and sonlist. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 10 years ago.
Remember to respond to her FEELINGS, and support her through them. Guide her to a calm, safe place emotionally. You can do it!! I’m always available for private consultations vicky@dementiawithgrace.ORG
I think we need you to come speak with some of our people. I could certainly use help. I would love to have you come into a workshop at our facility. They don't give us enough training working with memory care. I'm seeking it out on my own. There's quite a few that sing everyday about going home or try to escape
Oh my so glad I watched this current huge struggle
Hi Vicki, my name is Richard and I’m the primary Caregiver for my wife Linda who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in July 2019. Fairly recently she has been showing signs of dementia progression, including the “I Want to Go Home”. I’ve always told her that I would never lie to her. I’ve lived up to that promise and I have always told her that we no longer own our former home. We now live in a different city but are only 12 miles from our former home. She constantly tells me that she wants to move back to her hometown and no other reason of wanting to go home.
I have never given thought to her wanting to go home as a feeling and not about a real location. That makes a great deal of sense. On occasion she has told me that she needed to be back so the kids could get to school. Her two sons are 39 and 43. So, it’s obvious that her perception of reality has been skewed. I realize that maybe I should ask her, What is it that makes you want to go home? I think that may be very interesting t hear the answer to that question and will help me understand what she’s thinking and where her mind is. That way I think I can give her a much more empathetic response to what it is that she may need instead of repeating my past responses, which have done nothing except to create more frustration for both of us.
Thanks a lot!
I’m so happy you found help in this video, Richard! I’m so sorry that you and your wife are experiencing this. Please know that every cloud runs out of rain, and every behavior has a natural end.
My mil constantly says i want to go home. At first we thought it was her home here, but gearing this, i believe she wants her childhood home. Her parents have been dead for 40 plus years, and shes constantly asking about them. So i believe she wants them and that home.
Thanks Vicki. This is exactly what I needed to hear and will share this with other family members. Much appreciation for helping caregivers journey through the difficult path of dementia/Alzheimer’s.
This video needs to be a top result to answer this question!
THANK YOU Brooke! I hope it helped you! SHARE this video on your Social Media channels and spread the word!
Love you Vicky! So thankful for God leading me here to find you! ❤️ My sil is in a locked unit but she wants to ‘go home’. She wants to go ‘to your house’ to ‘momma’s house’ ‘my sister’s house’.... anywhere. She just wants to go. She has also started complaining of feeling like she is having a panic attack and ‘I just need to go outside’. If the weather is pretty and it’s not 2am... the nurses will let her go outside in the courtyard. I’ve wondered if the part of her brain that controls her breathing is being affected? Do they know that they can’t breathe when that happens? I sure do hate this awful disease.💔
Thanks for the insight. This particular issue is one I've had difficulty responding to. This video was very insightful and helpful. Caregiving for my wife in stage 5 (I think) is challenging for many reasons but partly because for most of my life and career I was required to only consider facts, reason and logic. Now it's all upside down and I'm grateful for information like yours that puts things in perspective and provides helpful advice. Thank you!
Gary, please consider joining the group! I link to it in the video description. So many stories, tips and tricks, and loving support! All my love, Vicky
Thank you so much for this! My husband has Alzheimer's disease (diagnosed six years ago) and we recently moved to another state so that I could get support from my family. He is constantly asking when we can go home. This has helped me tremendously!
I’m so glad!! 😀
My 85 year old mother does this a lot, we rleiase din the end she said it when there something she doesn’t like happening
What if you CAN take them home? Should I do that? 4 hours away. She will occasionally say “let’s go for just a little while”. She will later say “I’m never coming back here”.
Thank you for your patience! I’m just getting to your message!! Sometimes, yes. It helps to “see” or visit the home they are asking about but USUALLY even if they go back, it’s not the home they remember. I think I said it in the video, but I believe Home is a feeling, not a place. It may be in another video. But the concept is that you meet the underlying NEED. Ask what is at home? What do you need to do when you get home? Then figure out a way to answer that need. And then assure her she is safe, loved for, cared for.
If you haven’t already, come over to the group. Link in description under video. So much help over there. All my love, Vicky ❤️
My grandma has lived in her own home for 40 years and for about 10 minutes insisted she needed to figure out how to get home. It was so sad to hear because Im on the other side of the country.
I’m sorry. I hope it settled down! I am just getting to this video!
This is wonderful . Thank you. I followed your guidance and it’s just wonderful. Compassion works .. I’m able to share in her feelings and provide comfort. I enjoy your videos so much . Thank you
This was very helpful to me. Thank you so much!
Being home can also aid in recovery and comfort.
Absolutely
Thank you, this was helpful
Hi Grace, I am Lolis, my mom has dementia, your words are very comforting for me, could not find the link to your Facebook support group, and I really like to get it…thank you
Here you go! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace
Thank you
Of course! I hope you found help!
You are such a blessing Vicki. 🙏🏻
Thank you fro your encouragement!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
It is so hard to see my mom like this. It’s torture for her. We have her on Olanzipine, Paxil, Ativan and Tylenol, but she still is hallucinating at times and just in another world, anxious. she’ll give a small smile, then she will be sad and rehearse an old memory. She keeps asking if her babies are dead? I tell her we are not we are all safe and good. She is in late stage and just want this to be over. I keep praying that Jesus will take her home. Is that bad?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish peace for you and your family.
My sister sent me this video just now, at 2am. We are going through this with our father. He was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s so I understand how you feel. It’s absolutely natural to wish death when it’s for their peace. This disease is horrible and scary. I think about that so much I start to feel guilty but I do know it’s for his peace, not for him to be gone bc that will be hard. He was the only real parent in our life. We are having to handle everything while his wife does nothing. It’s been a nightmare. She hates us. She’s mean, she doesn’t shower him, take him to the doctor, get meds, nothing. We do it all but we’re the bad guys.. anyways, I’m sorry I turned that about me lol. I wanted to ask you if those meds are helping?? My dad is on seroquel for the hallucinations but we aren’t sure if it’s helping much. His neurologist said there’s not anything else he can prescribe for him, that we would have to see a psychiatrist for anxiety meds..
@@micah.80665 if you put your Dad on Pallative / Hospice care, the doctor will prescribe anti anxiety meds etc. I don’t understand why people don’t understand what Pallative care is. At this point taking your loved ones to Doctors is useless. They need weekly check by a nurse and all that goes w what Pallative/ hospice offers.
That was a good video
I have tried this and my client, she does not start a conversation with me as much as I try. It seems to aggravate her more.
I will try this. Thank you. I was wondering what to do about her packing? She was in a Specail care home for 2 months and they couldn’t handle her packing everyday and waiting by the door to go home. She’s pretty angry. Now she’s in a nursing home packing and walking around with her things. Still very angry. What can we do?
Lisa Dixon I just allow the packing. It doesn’t hurt anything, and it may give her some comfort to think she is “doing something” useful. It doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. I ask “Where are you headed”? And allow them to tell me stories about their plans and destinations. Then I will say something like “Well while you wait on your ride, would you join me for a cup of coffee?” Or something similar. Or “let’s have lunch before you head out”. Then at end of day, “we have a bed for you to stay one more night”. Always go into their reality and play. If a three year old packed a bag and said he was going to grandmothers, how would you play along?? Same concept!! All my love! Vicky
Great info
Good comments, but we UV ave tried that asking her about her home. She says she does not know. Nothing we say or do m as new her feel at home
I’m so sorry… This is a hard part of the journey. (Like any part of it is easy 😔) One of the things that I try to highlight, is that all behaviors have a natural end. Either because the behavior resolves, or they move into a different part of their dementia journey, and this behavior disappears. Thank you for the comment. I hope that this somehow is resolved in her case. All my love, Vicky ❤️
This has been SO helpful!!!❤ Thank you so much!
Glad it was helpful! Vicky❤
My mom always asks how she got here, (after she's gone to bed) how come we dropped her off here, why am I here. She thinks dad and I dropped her off somewhere so we could go be with our friends and have fun. When she says she wants to go home, I asked my mom where is home. She said she didn't know, I didn't know what to say them
You respond to the feeling...what is she feeling...scared, lost, “abandoned”? And talk about that. Say “we would never just leave you”But that is scary to think that we did. I’m so sorry you were scared” then reinforce the safety “you are safe here, we are right in the other room” or “you are safe. We are not far away”. Feeling of being left out “Oh, mercy! You thought we would go party WITHOUT you? No way! That must have been a dream. What a lonely feeling though. Goodness. That must have felt awful. We could never have fun if you weren’t with us”...now, depending on the stage and her cognition, you make have to break it down into much smaller chunks. That would be “you are safe” “we are as close as can be” “I am sorry you are mad/sad/lonely” “you won’t ever be lost...pause...I ALWAYS know where you are” ♥️Hope this helps! All my love! Vicky
Thank you so much. I feel my mother would feel more connected to the facility where she is living (memory care) if she connected with some of the staff or her housemates (12 people to a building, it's actually quite nice). But, she doesn't take much interest, saying she will be leaving soon anyway (she has been packing her things into bags to "leave" on a weekly basis). I have had a small amount of progress by asking her to check in on the other people there and see if they need anything, or ask her to help set up meals (the staff let her help). She was a career nurse and has had a big drive to help others in her life. Do you have suggestions on how to get her to connect to her new home (4 months now)?
Oooh! Ever heard this one? “Nurses are the worse patients!” 😉 BRAVO 👏 for asking her to check in with other residents. That’s the first thing I suggest to nurses and non nurses alike; if they feel they are “superior” in ability, etc. Be a helper. I’ve also had success giving them a blank Progress Note or such like and having them “document” on something. And sometimes, they don’t “fully” acclimate until they transition to a lower stage. BUT Something may strike her interest. Or a new resident could move in that she takes a shine to. It’s such an individual journey. Thanks for the comment!
@@DementiaWithGrace Thank you. Yes, nurses are the worst to take care of. LOL.
Does brain changes due to dementia cause vertigo ???
😢
I say don't rub that salt into their wounds. Don't speak of what they lost. Just beginnings.
Whats wrong with going home? As long as the assistance is available for proper care of the individual then why not send them home?
No this is even when they ARE home. And even when they are in a family home or a nursing home, taking them to their former home does not soothe them. I advocate for aging in place OR using care facilities. Whatever is best for the person.
The ads are annoying!
I’m sorry! I don’t get to choose the ads!!
You can choose to have no ads. Go to your settings.
I disagree with the "dementia with grace" about home being a feeling like this young woman is describing in the video. My mom has dementia and when she says she wants to go home, she actually wants to go home. One time after I brought here home from the ER after an accident, it was around 2 a.m. and she refused to get out of the vehicle because she wanted me to take her home where she lived at behind the school in the St Stephens area. She wanted me to take her to her childhood home that she grew up at and at 2 a.m. in freezing cold weather. I just let her sit in the vehicle for a few minutes while I went to unlock the house and came back and told her that everyone was sleeping at your home and she would have to stay with me until tomorrow and then I could take her to her house. She still refused and I got back in the vehicle and drove around for 10 minutes telling her that I could find the way to her home in the dark and then drove her back to her house. She still refused to get out of the vehicle and want to go to her home that she grew up in as a kid. This time I just told her in a firm voice the truth that her brother was at home and asleep and he is not going to let her in the house tonight and I do not have a key to your home so you going to have to come in the house with me so I can call him. She stated she would wait in the vehicle while I made the call. I finally told her in another firm voice, I went in the house for a few minutes and came back out. I told my mom, "listen it is cold out here and you need to come inside, we did not come all the way out here for your to stay in the car. I called your parents and they told me to bring you home in the morning-everyone is asleep and do not want to be woke up by you coming in so late from the hospital." She still wanted to go home, and I finally said as stern as I could, Listen, we need go inside and see if your parents are still here so they can take you home and if not then I will take you home, but you are not going home till you go inside the house first and make sure your dad is not here to take you home." Thank God that lie worked and I got her out of the car and I had to keep telling her on the way into the house that her parents where inside waiting on her to take her home etc. and then when she got inside the house- I had to tell her that I would take her home in the morning and she would have to stay with me tonight. Thank God that lie worked. I had to tell her that this house was hers now since she got married or tell her the house was given to her or she won it. It took me almost 40 minutes to get her inside the house and convince her to stay there. because she wanted to go home where she grew up. She even started to tell me how to get there and where it was located. Let me tell you, at 2 a.m. in the morning, I wished I could have taken her to her old homeplace and let her stay at the house overnight with her brother instead of trying for almost an hour convincing her to stay with me. Sometimes, I wish I owned that house so she could stay there and feel more secure and connect with what memories she has left. So I believe that when a dementia patient says that want to go home- they want to go home literally. Maybe not the home they live in now but it is the home that are remembering like my mom did from her past childhood. When my Grandma had dementia-she wanted to go back home and was mad at the family for putting her in the nursing home. She might have had dementia but she knew where her home was and told the family that she wanted to go back to house that her and her husband had built. My grandma knew where her home was in her past but she did not know who people where or lived in the present. Finally after six months of being in the nursing home, she told my mom that she like being at the nursing home-it felt like home and that she could die there. I really disagree with this segment and the concept of home.
Not every situation is the same, but I try to cover the most likely situation. So sorry your experience was difficult. I have consulted with many families who CAN take their person to the actual home they are describing: the childhood home or the first home of their married life. And it didn't change the behavior. Or they are LIVING in the Home they are describing, but it just doesn't feel like home. Thank you for your response.
I wish she would stop saying the same thing over and over.
It’s hard isn’t it? Just one of those things that grate on your nerves, especially considering other things you face as a caregiver. You are not alone in thinking it. BUT behaviors do have a natural end. One day, it will stop. Hang in there! Here is the group link in case you want to check it out. We understand! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace
Thank you