SO MANY ADULTS would be happier and healthier if their parents had known about these principles. A lot of toxic, passive aggressive behavior in adults occurs because they aren't able to identify and honestly express their own emotions, let alone process them. It's really sad because they were never taught how. Well done to you and thanks for helping other parents do better as well 👏🏼
I will never be able to thank you enough for these videos-- they make me feel like I can be the one to break the generational cycle of shame and abuse in my family instead of repeating the patterns that unfortunately I grew up with, and give my children something different-- like what Kylie and Mia have, which is a life where they feel respected and heard and cared for by their parents.
You are so inspiring, Ashley. I have a 19 month old little girl. She is so strong-willed you won't believe it. 🙈I've been following you for a while now and to be honest, your parenting approach has truly made an impact on my life and I'm sure many other moms will agree.💛 I truly believe that positive discipline is the best way to go in helping my daughter cope with all these big emotions. It's not always easy, but definitely worth it. You're just amazing! Thank you. 🙏 All love, Zel xx
Thanks for this fresh perspective...as a second time mom, I am eager to do a better job with these two adopted babies than I did with my OG kids lol. (They are 23 and 28 and find humor in this) See you really can teach an old dog new tricks, thanks whipper snapper you are doing a great job Ashley.
I watched this video, read the book based on your recommendation, and then watched your video again about a year later and you do a fantastic job of summarizing the book and really boiling it down.
You put SO much work into this! Thank you! I'm not a parent yet (or even married) but I want to learn as much as I can before the day comes. Just to share a quick story, I'm 26 now and I was raised with this exact parenting style by two rather progressive (for the early 90s) parents. I had the happiest childhood and even teenage years because of it. Being taught how to express myself and always being given the space to do so was such a blessing. My sibling and I have been best friends our entire lives, even now as adults, because of their positive discipline teachings, too. We never got to the point where resentment spoiled love and joy for each other's company. I want to raise my future children this same way and even though I was raised with this philosophy, I don't know the specific techniques. So again thank you so much for putting in so much time and effort to spread your knowledge, I truly appreciate it!
This was SO beneficial and informative!!! Thank you Ashley for taking the time to really present the material in a concise and clear way - very much appreciated! Xoxox
I’m so glad you took the time for this video. I have 3 under 3 and sibling rivalry and whining is my hardest daily! Like I’m so tired by the end of the day from just those two.
I have had so many little arguments with my husband because he’s an only child and I have two sisters that are almost the same age as me. We grew up always comparing and especially making sure EVERYTHING was equal. So when I share food with my husband I’m always counting so we get equal bites/pieces and I unthinkingly get frustrated about any discrepancies 😩
Thank you soo much for your advice. It opened my mind on how I was "traditionnally" raised and how it impacted my mental health... I will raise my children in the positive way
I think I have commented on one of your videos before although I‘ve watched almost all of them. I have learned so much from you, probably more than in University on my way to being a teacher. Now that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby I rewatch many of your videos to collect information for a very special birth-present: a Montessori-at-home-book for the babies first three years. :) Thank you so much for sharing all of your knowledge. Best wishes from Germany!
Ashley, thank you so much for all of your great work. I am 8 months pregnant and your videos are giving me some peace of mind regarding how to raise my baby. I will probably refer back to them a thousand times as we are going through the different stages of development. I really love not only your take on the topics, but also your way of presenting. It is always calm, structured, logic based and through all those examples you are giving, close to reality. Sending you love from Germany, stay safe and healthy!
I was raised in a vary strict home. I always told my self I would treat my future children the way I wanted to be treated. Surprisingly I followed 80% monti edu method. I had no idea this method existed and I’m glad I found this page.
Thank you Ashley for posting another very useful video on how siblings can actually love each other! I only have one kid now but i see my nephews consistently hating and fighting each other because they are jealous each other 😩. It’s really important like you said to recognize their own feelings! I frequently see Kylie and Mia getting along with each other! It’s very inspiring!
I've been binge listening to your Montessori At Home series today. The way you present information is truly great and so helpful to me. I had them playing in my earbud while creating a shelf rotation in my 4 year olds room. The disciplinary things you talk about are things I already knew and practice but it had been refreshing hearing them in such an educational and informed way, especially with how I've back slid to a less patient way of responding to my kids.
thank you for using your expertise to educate us about healthy discipline! I am about to graduate with a BA in early childhood education this year, but you're definitely motivating me to get my MA... :)
Ashley I absolutely love your channel and I am hanging on your every word!! I am so grateful for the support - I always learn something and become inspired and feel supported when I listen . Thank you!
I really admire the way you present the idea that research supporting authoritative parenting isn't a slight against traditional parenting, we are just improving as a species. It is expressed in such a positive and nonthreatening way, I think it lays the foundation to open someone's mind. Learning so much from you, and you havent even gotten to your first point yet. :)
Thanks for sharing! I'd love to see a video on teaching patience to infants. My 4 months old gets so angry when she fails to put toys in her mouth. What should I do? Help her? Distract her? Let her cry?
Allow her feelings of frustration, they’re healthy. You can also empathize with her in the moment and help name the feelings for her and describe what’s happening: “You’re so frustrated... the rattle keeps falling out of your mouth.” Reassuring her with your presence and support is enough. :)
@@HapaFamily thank you!!! Your reply means so much to me! I asked my pediatrician but he brushed it off with: thats what babies do. I trust you so much more because I can see how well Mia and Kylie are growing up. You're my guru. Keep up the excellent work
I always watch these kinds of videos and feel really motivated but then putting it into practice is really hard. I always end up losing patience and shouting or resorting to time out. I pray I can get better with positive discipline for the sake of my children.
Thank yo so much. As an only child I saw my friends as siblings but having two of my own, it is a ball game understanding how to make them get along better. Lufe saver.
I really have been struggling with keeping my three kids (4y/o boy, almost 3y/o boy, 1 y/o girl) from fighting over a toy a lot more lately and this video makes me feel like there's hope haha. Thank you, traditional discipline just doesn't work for me and it feels terrible! I'm praying for personal growth in my parenting and patience so I can really be the best mother I can be for my three little ones
You inspire me sooo much!!! Do you have any advice for parents on how to control our emotions? I would really love to be a positive parent all the time, but sometimes I just lose it... Today I had one of those days when just everything went wrong and I yelled all the time... I feel terrible, I've always been impulsive and got angry or upset easily, I never learnt how to control myself. How am I to teach my child to do that?! 😔
It really helps me to have time set aside to myself daily to decompress. Even if its just 10 minutes. Also, pausing and thinking of their POV before responding
It also helps me to focus on my physical body when I become angry at my children. I focus on tension in my jaw or my arms and focus on relaxing my muscles while saying and doing as little as necessary with my child until I calm down. Before I go to sleep sometimes I journal about my anger or lack of impulse control in order to induce lucid dreaming. I find the dreams are often cathartic and symbolic. They help me to think about my emotional issues in concrete terms
It's hard for sure. I just try to remember that worst case scenario, if I do lose it and I say something I regret it's okay to apologize and be vulnerable with them too. It models that even when they make a mistake they can do their best to make it right and even adults don't always keep their cool. My parents never apologized for the frankly abusive things they would say in anger and instead would pretend they never happened. If I had been apologized to as a child I really think it would have done so much to repair my relationship with my parents even if they made mistakes.
I loved this video even though I have one baby rn. Can you do a video on playdates. I'm not sure how to react if another child is mean to or hurts my child. But I don't want to jump and interfere.
I am so happy to learn about this. I always felt there's another way to deal with these types of situations and I am excited to apply this with my kids. Please, do more videos like this. They are so helpful. 😊🤗
I don’t have children yet but these videos are so interesting and helpful! I use them to learn and give myself a small goal to change behavior I have (for example, I had to say “ oh someone needs some help!” Instead of “ there’re coming to get you!” When there is a sirene). The neigbours girls are coming over a lot lately and my next goal will be to “sportscast” every time the two sisters start fighting or arguing with each other. Hopefully it will quiet them down so they can find a solution to the problem themselves.
Your videos are so educational and informative and your family vlogs make my week! Thankyou for all your hard work and these brilliant and incredibly helpful videos ❤
Just wow! ❤️ great video! I wish my parents would have known about all this when my sister and I were kids, I’m 30 and she is 29 now, and we have a very complicated relationship.
Hi Ashley, I love your videos very much, thank you for making them. I have one question: how do you teach your husband how to respond to the kids practicing positive discipline? Do you make him read certain books or parts of a book? Or you just explain and after a while through lots of examples he learns these things too? He seems to be an awesome daddy so maybe it's easy for you and he's interested in leaning about these stuff on his own... :)
I was hoping you would make this video 😍😍😍 clicked on it right away!!! Thank you! You have helped me understand my children and build a better relationship with them 🥰
Amazing video, thank you so much!!!! I love that it's a little longer than usual, it's so helpful to be offered the "big picture" and investigate on the issues from many points of view with some real life examples too. I'm so grateful for your videos, there's nothing similar to your style I would know about on the Internet ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Hey you! I was wondering if you could every do a video about "counting" and "mathe concepts". I was very impressed by your little girl and her counting abilities in one of your last videos :) I am really interested because my older son (10) has difficulties with mathematical concepts (mild form of dyscalculia) and I want to implement more "counting" activities for his younger sister one day :)
Thank you for this!! It’s so timely for me. My two boys are about 6 months younger than your girls. I’m so thankful for all your research, application, and teaching. I will need to watch this one every couple months 😉
Love this! I’m a teacher myself and it all just seems so common sense to me, but I understand that not everyone has my background. Any advice on what to do if your partner isn’t on board? My husband tends to think that this style of parenting is permissive and too nice despite my efforts to explain to him what it’s all about.
Information overload indeed, that's why I only listen to and watch Hapa Family 😂 and yes, I try to apply Positive Discipline with my husband, sometimes he realises I'm trying to use it as if he was a baby or a child 🤣🙈 thank you thank you thank you for this video (and everything) 💖💐💚💕
I mean if we have to then we have to. My husband is the same way if not worse than my kids, it’s hard 💔 he is not for gentle parenting at all and it’s a struggle to not let him do the discipline he wants to do
Ashley, thank you so much. Love your account. Please address situation: when two not verbal toddlers fight for one material and parents didn’t not see who worked with it first. I know the first step of acknowledging feet and describing what i see but what to do next? Would really appreciate your response.
With comparisons, is there a difference with celebrating differences? Like saying, you love trucks and your sister loves animals, I like watching you both explore things you enjoy! Or in the case of a neat child and messy child, celebrating the creativity of the messy one and the organization of the neat one? Maybe I'm overthinking it...
Nice video! Do you have any advice/ could you do a video on anger/frustration. I liked how Kylie said: "I am mad!" while Mia was on her bike. The other day my toddler was biting the chair for not moving...
Empathize with them and acknowledge their feelings. I see you're mad/frustrated. Do you want to take a deep breath with me? Do you need a hug? Do you want to take a break from this activity? Etc. This helps my 3 year old a lot with managing his big emotions
What if the feeling that the child is expressing an insult to their sibling like "you're stupid" or some other words that should not be used to address people. How would those feelings be allowed and supported?
Ask the child why they feel that way. Make them feel listened to and address the feelings behind the words. Then after you can explain that the way they expressed themselves is not appropriate or kind and we should always try to use positive language to express feelings.
Those aren't feelings, help them find the words, is he angry, sad, frustrated? They don't have the appropriate language and this requires time. But if they know the word "stupid" they know sad and angry for sure.
Any tips on older (4+ year olds) who just tell me to "be quiet" or "stop talking" when I'm trying to set a boundary or stop a behavior? It can easily turn into a "don't talk to me like that, I'm the boss" type situation, especially with my husband. Any tips for more positively addressing those "talk backs"?
My almost three years old sometimes speaks to me that way. What I say 'in this house we respect each other. I respect you, and I need you to respect me' the thing that has impacted the most is that she needs to us (mom and dad) doing that daily.
My daughter does this as well and she is imitating me. At first I didn’t recognised that I was doing it to her but my husband made me aware of it. The behaviour stopped after I adapted my approach. When she is talking to me and I feel the need to say „stop talking“ or „leave me alone“, I try to really listen to her and then serve her and my needs.
Ashley, thank you so much for your videos. I have 3 Boys (5.5, 4, 1.5). We Are trying to follow montessori principles and the two oldest kids go to Montessori 3 times a week but they are fighting all the time. It seams that the oldest tries to attract attention this way. The middle one is constantly screaming to get help and he is playing a victim a lot now. This was even before we had the third son. I Will try all your recommendations but i am trying to figure out how to get them hear me through that screaming without screaming myself. I just found your channel a week ago and I already watched bunch of the videos. I really love them. Thank you so much for all the useful information and all your hard work.
Learning about how to teach my child is digging up a lot of trauma for me. I have a hard time forgiving my mother because she learned about gentle parenting then mocked it. My parents took out their anger when they "disciplined" me and it seemed enjoyable and cathartic for them to beat me. Thinking about doing that to my child makes me hate them.
So so many things about this are so hard.. Just one example - what do you do when the older child is always really really fast at taking over any new (or otherwise clearly more interesting) object or activity. It is just so so difficult to have a blanket rule. Plus the younger child is really not capable of advocating for themselves. I find dealing with siblings to be one of the most draining and disheartening aspect of parenting (even though they do have many sweet moments, the rest of the time the bickering feels NEVERENDING)
Beautiful video.. i have unrelated question.. when do you think you will allow Mia to get on to learning tower ? My 15 month old keeps hanging on kitchen counter when i work, I want to know when would be a good time to invest in one.
Hello family!! Just a quick question? Do you know of any Montessori wooden pikler or arches for play made in the USA that you recommend? Thanks love your channel too.
Hi! Yes, we love Sprout! We have their Pikler triangle and the girls are obsessed! You can check it out here: sprout-kids.com/products/wooden-foldable-climbing-triangle?ref=ashleyhapa and you can use my code HAPAFAM for 10% off! 💪🏻
Thank u so much for your videos. You and dr. Honda should collab. For parents like myself you struggle with becoming reactive instead of responding to their children I recommend reading “extraordinary relationships “ by Roberta Gilbert
After you say I can't let you hit. Hitting hurts. Whats next? Because my son really seems like he wants to hurt. Anything really from flies to dogs to his family. He has even said no gentle I hurt. (He's 2.5 years old)
In the whole brain child, it talks about children who turn outward with anger and can be revengeful. I think I remember it recommends to validate their feelings that they really want to hurt someone, but I can't let you hurt others. You can do xyz instead. To model what healthy thing they can do that fits.
How would you mediate a preschooler and an 11 month old? My son is 3 and he gets very frustrated when his sister gets close to what he's working with. (Which is understandable as she normally knocks it down or something like that) but what's not okay is how he reacts towards her. He will squeeze or push her hard.. I have been showing him gentle hands after he reacts this way. But it's really hard not to get upset when it happens all day over and over again. 😕
Hey Ashely, I love your videos and think the Montessori and positive discipline approach is great. However, you said something that deeply concerns me as someone who works in domestic violence prevention. You said that sometimes the "victim" is to blame for the "aggressor" getting to a certain point. This is not the case. A person is never responsible for anyone else's actions. Assuming so leads to victim-blaming which is why many people stay in abusive relationships because they believe they are to blame for what happened to them. Like if I just hadn't said that thing or done x, y wouldn't have happened. Yes, a sibling may say or do something that makes another upset but that doesn't mean the sibling deserves to then be abused back. As you said, it much better to model healthy relations and give them words to describe how they're feeling that are non-hurtful to all parties involved.
Hi! I 100% agree with what you said and did not intend for that to be the message, especially with regard to truly abusive relationships. I was only trying to draw attention to the common occurrence when a parent wrongly assumes that an older child (or the one who is typically more dominant) is automatically to blame for a squabble between the children whenever they overhear crying/arguing (rushing in and immediately saying, “What did you do to the baby?!”). In some cases, the squabble was actually initiated by the younger child, or they may have at least been an equal party in the squabble, and so it becomes important that the parent avoid casting immediate judgment based on assumed roles, and instead should take the time to find out what the situation truly looked like. Maybe I could have worded it better, as that was the intention of my message in that portion of the video! Hope that clarifies! 🥰
How can you recommend handling a 2.5 year old that constantly pushes over a 1 year old? I remind him every time to say excuse me to his brother, or to call me if I need to pick up the baby, but sometimes it gets really out of hand and I resort to time out because I don’t know what else to do.
I have 2 toddlers. 3yr old and 2yr old. They can't communicate. Both are just fighting for my attention. 2yr old wants to always cling onto me and if my 3yr old come near she starts crying.. otherwise also she is always crying even if i speak in a low calm tone while addressing her on general basis she just starts crying. Any idea what to be done.
I feel like I’ve failed my kids. They are 7 and 8 now and I wish I would’ve found these videos years ago. 😞 I feel like it’s too late now to implement these.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I hate it when people use the method of reflecting my own thoughts when I expect them to make a comment “ oh you must be so proud of yourself!” Ok when I have a conversation with you I expect to hear your opinion, not hearing you telling me what I think about myself. It’s the creation of “fake” culture and I will never do that to my kids. If I think they did a good job, I will tell them. If I think there is room for improvement, I will tell them too. They deserve to hear my honest opinion, not just a bs comment.
This is such a wonderful instruction for all parents.. Thank you. I have to tell you about the ice cream caper that happened 60 years ago. My sister and I were griping about who got the most ice cream. All of a sudden my father came over with a ruler and shoved it in our cups. Well that ended the wining but guess what it was because we did not want any ice cream ever removed from our cups, so I feel that ended for the wrong reason.lol
About consequences; is there a Montessori way to teach children about consequences? I understand the positive discipline way is to teach them the alternative so they just learn to avoid bad behaviours, but do they learn consequences if they always do that? Of course traditional parents would say, I’m just teaching them how the world works. The world has consequences.
Natural consequences are taught in montessori. For example: oh no we spilt our drink. Now we must clean it up. Even if you end up cleaning it not them, you're modeling taking responsibility for their actions and they will learn from this
It's drives me a bit crazy seeing parents compare their kids, irresponsibly putting them against each other. It's very much harmful to expect a child to grow up any quicker than they are because of a new arrival or a smaller sibling.
SO MANY ADULTS would be happier and healthier if their parents had known about these principles. A lot of toxic, passive aggressive behavior in adults occurs because they aren't able to identify and honestly express their own emotions, let alone process them. It's really sad because they were never taught how. Well done to you and thanks for helping other parents do better as well 👏🏼
I will never be able to thank you enough for these videos-- they make me feel like I can be the one to break the generational cycle of shame and abuse in my family instead of repeating the patterns that unfortunately I grew up with, and give my children something different-- like what Kylie and Mia have, which is a life where they feel respected and heard and cared for by their parents.
What a beautiful testiment! 💕 Keep learning and sharing love with your kiddos, Anna-Kate!
You’re so beautifully thorough. I love it!! You make it all so understandable and obtainable. Love your videos❤️
You are so inspiring, Ashley. I have a 19 month old little girl. She is so strong-willed you won't believe it. 🙈I've been following you for a while now and to be honest, your parenting approach has truly made an impact on my life and I'm sure many other moms will agree.💛 I truly believe that positive discipline is the best way to go in helping my daughter cope with all these big emotions. It's not always easy, but definitely worth it. You're just amazing! Thank you. 🙏 All love, Zel xx
Perfect timing! Just found out I’m pregnant with number two yesterday! ❤️
Allison Strunk Congratulations!
Congrats, mama! 🥰
Yay🥳
Congratulations!
Congrats!!! 💐💖💚🎉🎊 All the best xx
Thanks for this fresh perspective...as a second time mom, I am eager to do a better job with these two adopted babies than I did with my OG kids lol. (They are 23 and 28 and find humor in this) See you really can teach an old dog new tricks, thanks whipper snapper you are doing a great job Ashley.
I watched this video, read the book based on your recommendation, and then watched your video again about a year later and you do a fantastic job of summarizing the book and really boiling it down.
You put SO much work into this! Thank you! I'm not a parent yet (or even married) but I want to learn as much as I can before the day comes. Just to share a quick story, I'm 26 now and I was raised with this exact parenting style by two rather progressive (for the early 90s) parents. I had the happiest childhood and even teenage years because of it. Being taught how to express myself and always being given the space to do so was such a blessing. My sibling and I have been best friends our entire lives, even now as adults, because of their positive discipline teachings, too. We never got to the point where resentment spoiled love and joy for each other's company. I want to raise my future children this same way and even though I was raised with this philosophy, I don't know the specific techniques. So again thank you so much for putting in so much time and effort to spread your knowledge, I truly appreciate it!
This was SO beneficial and informative!!! Thank you Ashley for taking the time to really present the material in a concise and clear way - very much appreciated! Xoxox
I’m so glad you took the time for this video. I have 3 under 3 and sibling rivalry and whining is my hardest daily! Like I’m so tired by the end of the day from just those two.
I have had so many little arguments with my husband because he’s an only child and I have two sisters that are almost the same age as me. We grew up always comparing and especially making sure EVERYTHING was equal. So when I share food with my husband I’m always counting so we get equal bites/pieces and I unthinkingly get frustrated about any discrepancies 😩
Thank you soo much for your advice. It opened my mind on how I was "traditionnally" raised and how it impacted my mental health... I will raise my children in the positive way
I think I have commented on one of your videos before although I‘ve watched almost all of them. I have learned so much from you, probably more than in University on my way to being a teacher. Now that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby I rewatch many of your videos to collect information for a very special birth-present: a Montessori-at-home-book for the babies first three years. :) Thank you so much for sharing all of your knowledge. Best wishes from Germany!
* on NONE of your videos... ;)
Ashley, thank you so much for all of your great work. I am 8 months pregnant and your videos are giving me some peace of mind regarding how to raise my baby. I will probably refer back to them a thousand times as we are going through the different stages of development. I really love not only your take on the topics, but also your way of presenting. It is always calm, structured, logic based and through all those examples you are giving, close to reality. Sending you love from Germany, stay safe and healthy!
I was raised in a vary strict home. I always told my self I would treat my future children the way I wanted to be treated. Surprisingly I followed 80% monti edu method. I had no idea this method existed and I’m glad I found this page.
Thank you Ashley for posting another very useful video on how siblings can actually love each other! I only have one kid now but i see my nephews consistently hating and fighting each other because they are jealous each other 😩. It’s really important like you said to recognize their own feelings! I frequently see Kylie and Mia getting along with each other! It’s very inspiring!
I've been binge listening to your Montessori At Home series today. The way you present information is truly great and so helpful to me. I had them playing in my earbud while creating a shelf rotation in my 4 year olds room. The disciplinary things you talk about are things I already knew and practice but it had been refreshing hearing them in such an educational and informed way, especially with how I've back slid to a less patient way of responding to my kids.
What a terrific presentation. Such good reminder of how to have parents behave themselves.
Another amazing video on positive discipline!! Thanks Ashley!!!
thank you for using your expertise to educate us about healthy discipline! I am about to graduate with a BA in early childhood education this year, but you're definitely motivating me to get my MA... :)
Ashley I absolutely love your channel and I am hanging on your every word!! I am so grateful for the support - I always learn something and become inspired and feel supported when I listen . Thank you!
Can you do tips for bigger kids (elementary age)? Toys, activities, communication, expectations, ect...
I love all of your videos Ashley!💓💓 your tips are so helpful and love that you give real life examples!
I’m learning so much today. Lord have mercy on me 😩
I really admire the way you present the idea that research supporting authoritative parenting isn't a slight against traditional parenting, we are just improving as a species. It is expressed in such a positive and nonthreatening way, I think it lays the foundation to open someone's mind. Learning so much from you, and you havent even gotten to your first point yet. :)
Thanks for sharing! I'd love to see a video on teaching patience to infants. My 4 months old gets so angry when she fails to put toys in her mouth. What should I do? Help her? Distract her? Let her cry?
Allow her feelings of frustration, they’re healthy. You can also empathize with her in the moment and help name the feelings for her and describe what’s happening: “You’re so frustrated... the rattle keeps falling out of your mouth.” Reassuring her with your presence and support is enough. :)
@@HapaFamily thank you!!! Your reply means so much to me! I asked my pediatrician but he brushed it off with: thats what babies do.
I trust you so much more because I can see how well Mia and Kylie are growing up.
You're my guru.
Keep up the excellent work
I have to let you know that your video have been changing not only my children’s lives but mine. So thank you so freaking much. 🫂🤍
I always watch these kinds of videos and feel really motivated but then putting it into practice is really hard. I always end up losing patience and shouting or resorting to time out. I pray I can get better with positive discipline for the sake of my children.
Wow, I will need to rewatch this frequently before it totally sinks in. Thank you so much for the info!!
Thank yo so much. As an only child I saw my friends as siblings but having two of my own, it is a ball game understanding how to make them get along better. Lufe saver.
This is a good timing as we're having #2 soon and currently have a 4.5yo.
I really have been struggling with keeping my three kids (4y/o boy, almost 3y/o boy, 1 y/o girl) from fighting over a toy a lot more lately and this video makes me feel like there's hope haha. Thank you, traditional discipline just doesn't work for me and it feels terrible! I'm praying for personal growth in my parenting and patience so I can really be the best mother I can be for my three little ones
You inspire me sooo much!!!
Do you have any advice for parents on how to control our emotions? I would really love to be a positive parent all the time, but sometimes I just lose it... Today I had one of those days when just everything went wrong and I yelled all the time... I feel terrible, I've always been impulsive and got angry or upset easily, I never learnt how to control myself. How am I to teach my child to do that?! 😔
Perhaps counseling? There's no shame in going :) Or self-help workbooks that are therapy-based like CBT or DBT
It really helps me to have time set aside to myself daily to decompress. Even if its just 10 minutes. Also, pausing and thinking of their POV before responding
I’ve found meditation, counseling and reading books like “extraordinary relationships “ by Roberta Gilbert has helped me
It also helps me to focus on my physical body when I become angry at my children. I focus on tension in my jaw or my arms and focus on relaxing my muscles while saying and doing as little as necessary with my child until I calm down.
Before I go to sleep sometimes I journal about my anger or lack of impulse control in order to induce lucid dreaming. I find the dreams are often cathartic and symbolic. They help me to think about my emotional issues in concrete terms
It's hard for sure. I just try to remember that worst case scenario, if I do lose it and I say something I regret it's okay to apologize and be vulnerable with them too. It models that even when they make a mistake they can do their best to make it right and even adults don't always keep their cool. My parents never apologized for the frankly abusive things they would say in anger and instead would pretend they never happened. If I had been apologized to as a child I really think it would have done so much to repair my relationship with my parents even if they made mistakes.
I loved this video even though I have one baby rn. Can you do a video on playdates. I'm not sure how to react if another child is mean to or hurts my child. But I don't want to jump and interfere.
💜This is such an important topic! I love how you teach and really appreciate all your work on this youtube channel of yours Ashley!💜
I am so happy to learn about this. I always felt there's another way to deal with these types of situations and I am excited to apply this with my kids. Please, do more videos like this. They are so helpful. 😊🤗
I don’t have children yet but these videos are so interesting and helpful! I use them to learn and give myself a small goal to change behavior I have (for example, I had to say “ oh someone needs some help!” Instead of “ there’re coming to get you!” When there is a sirene). The neigbours girls are coming over a lot lately and my next goal will be to “sportscast” every time the two sisters start fighting or arguing with each other. Hopefully it will quiet them down so they can find a solution to the problem themselves.
Your videos are so educational and informative and your family vlogs make my week! Thankyou for all your hard work and these brilliant and incredibly helpful videos ❤
Just wow! ❤️ great video!
I wish my parents would have known about all this when my sister and I were kids, I’m 30 and she is 29 now, and we have a very complicated relationship.
Thank you for taking your time and effort in making this extremely useful video ! You're truly selfless and wonderful ! Much Love 💘
Thank you for these videos!
Commenting before I even saw the video: I'm always looking forward to friday, when I can watch a new video
Ashley I didn’t know you came from a scientific background. What is it? Maybe you should do a Q&A I’d love to get to know more about you
Hi Ashley, I love your videos very much, thank you for making them. I have one question: how do you teach your husband how to respond to the kids practicing positive discipline? Do you make him read certain books or parts of a book? Or you just explain and after a while through lots of examples he learns these things too? He seems to be an awesome daddy so maybe it's easy for you and he's interested in leaning about these stuff on his own... :)
I was hoping you would make this video 😍😍😍 clicked on it right away!!! Thank you! You have helped me understand my children and build a better relationship with them 🥰
Amazing video, thank you so much!!!! I love that it's a little longer than usual, it's so helpful to be offered the "big picture" and investigate on the issues from many points of view with some real life examples too. I'm so grateful for your videos, there's nothing similar to your style I would know about on the Internet ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Hey you! I was wondering if you could every do a video about "counting" and "mathe concepts". I was very impressed by your little girl and her counting abilities in one of your last videos :) I am really interested because my older son (10) has difficulties with mathematical concepts (mild form of dyscalculia) and I want to implement more "counting" activities for his younger sister one day :)
Fabulous video so helpful. What would you do if a child doesn't listen when you ask them to go get space or stop what they're doing xx
Thank you for this!! It’s so timely for me. My two boys are about 6 months younger than your girls. I’m so thankful for all your research, application, and teaching. I will need to watch this one every couple months 😉
Love this! I’m a teacher myself and it all just seems so common sense to me, but I understand that not everyone has my background. Any advice on what to do if your partner isn’t on board? My husband tends to think that this style of parenting is permissive and too nice despite my efforts to explain to him what it’s all about.
In the 1980's we had books on parenting too, and an open university course.
You are such an inspiration. Love watching your videos. Learning so much from it.
Thank you for this
Information overload indeed, that's why I only listen to and watch Hapa Family 😂 and yes, I try to apply Positive Discipline with my husband, sometimes he realises I'm trying to use it as if he was a baby or a child 🤣🙈 thank you thank you thank you for this video (and everything) 💖💐💚💕
I mean if we have to then we have to. My husband is the same way if not worse than my kids, it’s hard 💔 he is not for gentle parenting at all and it’s a struggle to not let him do the discipline he wants to do
I love to listen ur ideas
👍 great lesson to deal with my kids... thank you
Do you have any tips for Nannies going into a Montessori household?
Inspiring video as always.
Ashley, thank you so much. Love your account. Please address situation: when two not verbal toddlers fight for one material and parents didn’t not see who worked with it first. I know the first step of acknowledging feet and describing what i see but what to do next? Would really appreciate your response.
Always thank you ❤️
Thank you a lot!!!!
With comparisons, is there a difference with celebrating differences? Like saying, you love trucks and your sister loves animals, I like watching you both explore things you enjoy!
Or in the case of a neat child and messy child, celebrating the creativity of the messy one and the organization of the neat one? Maybe I'm overthinking it...
Nice video! Do you have any advice/ could you do a video on anger/frustration. I liked how Kylie said: "I am mad!" while Mia was on her bike. The other day my toddler was biting the chair for not moving...
Empathize with them and acknowledge their feelings. I see you're mad/frustrated. Do you want to take a deep breath with me? Do you need a hug? Do you want to take a break from this activity? Etc. This helps my 3 year old a lot with managing his big emotions
What if the feeling that the child is expressing an insult to their sibling like "you're stupid" or some other words that should not be used to address people. How would those feelings be allowed and supported?
Ask the child why they feel that way. Make them feel listened to and address the feelings behind the words. Then after you can explain that the way they expressed themselves is not appropriate or kind and we should always try to use positive language to express feelings.
Making them feel appreciated and respected is half the battle. 😁
Those aren't feelings, help them find the words, is he angry, sad, frustrated? They don't have the appropriate language and this requires time. But if they know the word "stupid" they know sad and angry for sure.
love it. thank you
Any tips on older (4+ year olds) who just tell me to "be quiet" or "stop talking" when I'm trying to set a boundary or stop a behavior? It can easily turn into a "don't talk to me like that, I'm the boss" type situation, especially with my husband. Any tips for more positively addressing those "talk backs"?
My almost three years old sometimes speaks to me that way. What I say 'in this house we respect each other. I respect you, and I need you to respect me' the thing that has impacted the most is that she needs to us (mom and dad) doing that daily.
Sounds like they might need a cool down first, I always find myself more snappy with my husband even because I need to take a minute to process
My daughter does this as well and she is imitating me. At first I didn’t recognised that I was doing it to her but my husband made me aware of it. The behaviour stopped after I adapted my approach. When she is talking to me and I feel the need to say „stop talking“ or „leave me alone“, I try to really listen to her and then serve her and my needs.
Ashley, thank you so much for your videos. I have 3 Boys (5.5, 4, 1.5). We Are trying to follow montessori principles and the two oldest kids go to Montessori 3 times a week but they are fighting all the time. It seams that the oldest tries to attract attention this way. The middle one is constantly screaming to get help and he is playing a victim a lot now. This was even before we had the third son. I Will try all your recommendations but i am trying to figure out how to get them hear me through that screaming without screaming myself. I just found your channel a week ago and I already watched bunch of the videos. I really love them. Thank you so much for all the useful information and all your hard work.
This explains why my siblings hated me. I was anxious of being punished so I was the "good" one.
Learning about how to teach my child is digging up a lot of trauma for me. I have a hard time forgiving my mother because she learned about gentle parenting then mocked it. My parents took out their anger when they "disciplined" me and it seemed enjoyable and cathartic for them to beat me. Thinking about doing that to my child makes me hate them.
I love your videos
So so many things about this are so hard.. Just one example - what do you do when the older child is always really really fast at taking over any new (or otherwise clearly more interesting) object or activity. It is just so so difficult to have a blanket rule. Plus the younger child is really not capable of advocating for themselves. I find dealing with siblings to be one of the most draining and disheartening aspect of parenting (even though they do have many sweet moments, the rest of the time the bickering feels NEVERENDING)
Beautiful video.. i have unrelated question.. when do you think you will allow Mia to get on to learning tower ?
My 15 month old keeps hanging on kitchen counter when i work, I want to know when would be a good time to invest in one.
Hello family!! Just a quick question? Do you know of any Montessori wooden pikler or arches for play made in the USA that you recommend? Thanks love your channel too.
Hi! Yes, we love Sprout! We have their Pikler triangle and the girls are obsessed! You can check it out here: sprout-kids.com/products/wooden-foldable-climbing-triangle?ref=ashleyhapa and you can use my code HAPAFAM for 10% off! 💪🏻
Great videoo!!❤️❤️
What type of children's tea set do you recommend?
melisa and doug have a woden set and we love it
Thank u so much for your videos. You and dr. Honda should collab. For parents like myself you struggle with becoming reactive instead of responding to their children I recommend reading “extraordinary relationships “ by Roberta Gilbert
After you say I can't let you hit. Hitting hurts. Whats next? Because my son really seems like he wants to hurt. Anything really from flies to dogs to his family. He has even said no gentle I hurt. (He's 2.5 years old)
In the whole brain child, it talks about children who turn outward with anger and can be revengeful. I think I remember it recommends to validate their feelings that they really want to hurt someone, but I can't let you hurt others. You can do xyz instead. To model what healthy thing they can do that fits.
How would you mediate a preschooler and an 11 month old? My son is 3 and he gets very frustrated when his sister gets close to what he's working with. (Which is understandable as she normally knocks it down or something like that) but what's not okay is how he reacts towards her. He will squeeze or push her hard.. I have been showing him gentle hands after he reacts this way. But it's really hard not to get upset when it happens all day over and over again. 😕
What to do when ur kids are not interested in any shelf activity or independent play, they just move around u and want something new???
Just curious, what exactly is the age gap between both of your girls?
How would you deal with physical hitting??at a young age
When you tell him to do something
Hey Ashely, I love your videos and think the Montessori and positive discipline approach is great. However, you said something that deeply concerns me as someone who works in domestic violence prevention. You said that sometimes the "victim" is to blame for the "aggressor" getting to a certain point. This is not the case. A person is never responsible for anyone else's actions. Assuming so leads to victim-blaming which is why many people stay in abusive relationships because they believe they are to blame for what happened to them. Like if I just hadn't said that thing or done x, y wouldn't have happened. Yes, a sibling may say or do something that makes another upset but that doesn't mean the sibling deserves to then be abused back. As you said, it much better to model healthy relations and give them words to describe how they're feeling that are non-hurtful to all parties involved.
Hi! I 100% agree with what you said and did not intend for that to be the message, especially with regard to truly abusive relationships. I was only trying to draw attention to the common occurrence when a parent wrongly assumes that an older child (or the one who is typically more dominant) is automatically to blame for a squabble between the children whenever they overhear crying/arguing (rushing in and immediately saying, “What did you do to the baby?!”). In some cases, the squabble was actually initiated by the younger child, or they may have at least been an equal party in the squabble, and so it becomes important that the parent avoid casting immediate judgment based on assumed roles, and instead should take the time to find out what the situation truly looked like. Maybe I could have worded it better,
as that was the intention of my message in that portion of the video! Hope that clarifies! 🥰
I want to watch this but my kids won’t stop fighting long enough for me to finish 😂
🤣 ahhh I miss those days lol house seems to quiet now
How can you recommend handling a 2.5 year old that constantly pushes over a 1 year old? I remind him every time to say excuse me to his brother, or to call me if I need to pick up the baby, but sometimes it gets really out of hand and I resort to time out because I don’t know what else to do.
Watch this video on repeat. Forcible isolation (time out) is never necessary.
I have 2 toddlers. 3yr old and 2yr old. They can't communicate. Both are just fighting for my attention. 2yr old wants to always cling onto me and if my 3yr old come near she starts crying.. otherwise also she is always crying even if i speak in a low calm tone while addressing her on general basis she just starts crying. Any idea what to be done.
How would you handle a situation where a child deliberately takes an extended turn to upset their sibling?
You look so beautiful. 💛
Me to my mom after watching Montessori videos: you did everything wrong! 😂
Mom: 🙄
I feel like I’ve failed my kids. They are 7 and 8 now and I wish I would’ve found these videos years ago. 😞
I feel like it’s too late now to implement these.
Never too l8!
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I hate it when people use the method of reflecting my own thoughts when I expect them to make a comment “ oh you must be so proud of yourself!” Ok when I have a conversation with you I expect to hear your opinion, not hearing you telling me what I think about myself. It’s the creation of “fake” culture and I will never do that to my kids. If I think they did a good job, I will tell them. If I think there is room for improvement, I will tell them too. They deserve to hear my honest opinion, not just a bs comment.
This is such a wonderful instruction for all parents.. Thank you. I have to tell you about the ice cream caper that happened 60 years ago. My sister and I were griping about who got the most ice cream. All of a sudden my father came over with a ruler and shoved it in our cups. Well that ended the wining but guess what it was because we did not want any ice cream ever removed from our cups, so I feel that ended for the wrong reason.lol
Maria Montessori non ha mai comprato mobili ikea.
Do you speak only english to the girls?
Kids don't understand what hurts mean
About consequences; is there a Montessori way to teach children about consequences? I understand the positive discipline way is to teach them the alternative so they just learn to avoid bad behaviours, but do they learn consequences if they always do that? Of course traditional parents would say, I’m just teaching them how the world works. The world has consequences.
Natural consequences are taught in montessori. For example: oh no we spilt our drink. Now we must clean it up. Even if you end up cleaning it not them, you're modeling taking responsibility for their actions and they will learn from this
It's drives me a bit crazy seeing parents compare their kids, irresponsibly putting them against each other. It's very much harmful to expect a child to grow up any quicker than they are because of a new arrival or a smaller sibling.
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