Covert narcissists are the worst! They never say the ugly things out loud (cuz that would be too obvious to others), but they infer them on a regular basis. Soooo difficult to put an exact finger on their tactics...
Dr. Carter thank you for putting into words what I lived in for over 32 years. The second anniversary date of his death is Thursday and I am struggling just to function. You are voicing loud and clear what I lived through. I guess I was so isolated and controlled for so long that my disheveled mind couldn't see this. With tears streaming down my face I listened to you describe what I was feeling each and every day for so long. The anger that I feel for myself for allowing this to go on just blows my mind. And the fact that I still love (?) Him and miss him is insane. I want you to know that you and sleepy Gus are a lifeline for me. You rescued me years ago with your wise teachings and I do so value your help in trying to understand this madness. What you do in ministering to us broken souls is God given and I pray for your continued health and safety. Love from TN. 🙏❤️🙏
"Zero interest in seeing you thrive and grow!" This one knocked me over with a feather. I spent so much time hiding all of this (books, therapy, growth, new ideas, major purchases) from (wink) family and friends. Now I know why I became a secret squirrel!
I'm sorry you went through such a hard time. Still, I think you did an awesome job keeping on being yourself in a terrible environment, by reaching out for life in all the ways you mentioned. Your story inspires me.
One of the things I was always told was "I know you better than you know yourself". It makes me cringe now looking back. Total brainwashing. The sad part is, I started to believe it and actually allowed this person to direct my life based on this lie. 🤮
I heard that one too! And “Don’t think” and “if you would do what I tell to do you would be fine”. I see now! He’s a chaotic self centered mess. I was his stability and character. He used my kindness and truthfulness as a weapon against my life. It was like running uphill on an icy road. Thank you for sharing!!! 💐
OMG, my late husband once told me that! Our marriage was difficult from the get go and should never have happened. Six years of marriage and the latter 3 were complete misery! God resolved the matter for me - he developed colon cancer and passed away. The internet back then wasn't what it is now, so I had no idea what was going on or why, but now I do! Thank you Dr Carter (and Gus!)
Sadly, that is someone who is highly narcissistic and people do start to believe it. Glad you are out of it, we all live and learn in one way or another.
secondhand care. secondhand consideration. secondhand life. never defended. never confided in. never spoken to kindly unless they are making fun. always speak about you as if you werent right there. the dog is a more revered family member. the only time they are honest is when it can hurt you. yeah. I stay away from my family for all those reasons. I never missed them. I was only hurt by my leaving because they didnt miss me, either.
Can't tell you how many times I heard "I'm doing you a favor" "I've had to defend you against people" (total lie) "Look at all the things I've done for you". They keep score and tabs on people and it's always "what have you done for me" and a "you owe me" mentality, constantly. No matter how much you do for them, it's never, EVER, enough. Best of luck, get out while you still can, it CAN happen for you.
Wow! I am shaking as I listen. Oh my, Dr C. Can i really get through and over this? Insidiousness, oh my, I don't know what to say. Thank you Dr Carter, when you explain it and I see just how malignant, oh my, it is obvious but I also know how insidious it has been... Boiling frogs comes to mind. I, the frog. Oh my.
Yes. Two friends of mine have compared what my ex husband did as slowly boiling a frog. It's terrifying that I was enduring this while not having a clue what was happening to me.
I used to hear “I know how you think” and “I know you belieeeeve what you’re saying” or just plain old gaslighting and telling me what I think/feel. Using any faults/vulnerabilities against me likeI wasn’t well because I had them. The brainwashing is insidious and so real. I knew things weren’t right, but made excuses for him and blamed myself as I was taught to do 🙄 Ugh, this has been a hard process and I’ve got work to do, but at least I know I wasn’t wrong about what was happening.
Thank you for calling this sort of treatment "abuse". When I was with my narcissistic ex- husband I told him that he was being abusive. He hissed at me that I didn't know the meaning of that word - his attempt to get me back in line while at the same time implying that I was too stupid to understand that word. Thank you for calling it what it is! Your videos have been such an encouragement to me on the healing process, thank you!
Growing up I was interested in history, there happened to be circulating in the family a book with reference to an ancester of my fathers family, when I asked my narc father an I have a look, hs said no and gave me the impression I was no worthy to use my brain. I went on to be a history loved to this day. Dont have any brains around a narcissist.
A narcissistic relationship is when two people care about one person! They only care about themselves and you care about them! You are on your own! Take care of yourself first and love yourself first! They will NOT!!! They will never ever care nor love you! They don’t love themselves and you can’t make them! Unfortunately!! 💐 They wear you out! They whittle away your spirit!! Like a dripping faucet til you spring a leak! Thank you Team Healthy for sharing your experience and truth! You help me heal! Today I see the 🚩 🚩🚩 that I will never unsee ! 💐 🙏🕊 knowledge is power
That’s right, Dr. C, they are bullies and it’s abuse! I’m so thankful that I’m soon going to be free from my abuser! 🙏🏼 I would love to hear more videos about how to heal from Narcissistic Abuse. I pray it’s possible!
Not only did AG expect me to agree with him, my reasons were supposed to match his pretty closely. If they didn't, well, ok, but couldn't I at least give the appearance? Not only in public--just keep my own thoughts to myself, his ideas are the ones that matter. It's refreshing that Steve actually WANTS to hear my real opinions, and if they don't match his, he makes a real effort to at least understand my reasoning.
Narcissist portrays you as the perfect love of their life. With the passage of time they will take everything from you and will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
One key element to survive narcissist tactics is learning to think like them, then you know what’s coming and how to respond. The difficulty is not losing yourself and becoming them, it’s really hard to balance. It’s even more difficult to find yourself again, and you won’t find who you were, you will learn who you are, and you not a disordered narcissist! But your still not the same as you once were…
No way I could twist my mind to think like a narc. That is psychological quicksand. I identified the behavior patterns long ago, and I am learning to understand the “why” part through Dr. C’s books, videos, and comments from others who have had close associations with narcs. Knowledge and understanding of the mindset makes it pretty easy to predict their next plot. In any case, I know two things: 1. The next blow WILL come. 2. It WILL be hurtful and nasty. When we can’t (or won’t) go no contact, radical acceptance and taking steps to protect ourselves from the worst case scenario are good ideas. When a narc sees their target getting into the same muck that they wallow in, it THRILLS them. I am not giving them that.
Your right! I can anticipate his next move now but its made me a bit harsh and haggard like I should be really thin and only wear grey and always have a broom in my hand.its not pretty.
Thank you so much for calling brainwashing what it is - abuse. I'm so used to brainwashing attempts by narcissists that if I'm not careful it can seem normal. I deeply appreciate your videos as well as Gus's steadfast commitment to napping.
a laughing meltdown here whaaaaa about the napping dog .. i could not say in any better in a million years .. and ? Carter moves me to the bone as in always are thrilled by his accuracy towards my recognition .. So how is that English from Holland here !
What I discovered is that for a narc, never being satisfied is another control mechanism. As long as the narc has you jumping through hoops to please him, he will keep up the ruse. If you come close, he will move the goalpost. The narc is my life was NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER SATISFIED. On the occasion I did what was requested, the narc never acknowledged it, but was always at the ready to complain. Once I realized after too many years that the narc could not by design be contented, I stopped cold turkey. Again, it is control, control, control. And unless you disengage, it never ends.
@@jmlkhan5153 Agreed. Most of the narcs I've dealt with have been women. The disorder runs down the maternal side of my family and affects about half of my female relatives.
I contacted my narc ex trying to find out about my grandson who is caught in addiction that my narc daughter will not communicate with me about. I was motivated only by my love for my grandson. By the time our conversation was over I was very confused about myself and my intentions. OMG the clarity of the narc became vERY CLEAR. I felt a strong need to snatch myself in protection. And PRAY diligently for my grandson. Please God protect him and help him become free of these people!
Back in the 90s, I sought therapy for the ongoing effects of trauma from my narcissistic mother and ex-husband. I wish I'd known then what I've learned in the past couple of years from Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano. I remember puzzling to my therapist, "Those two didn't just object to what I said and did. They objected to my existence as a separate person." I wish he had said, "That's because they are narcissists, and narcissists act in certain predictable ways." I wish he's given me some of the conceptual tools I have now. But I'm glad I have them now.
My mother was a covet narc and the criticism was subtle and continuous. I was VERY lucky to have an older brother and sister who protected and loved me. By the time the youngest of them left home, I was 9, but I knew I was smart (and loved) so the criticism didn't bother me as much. Then I married a narc. Oy. I said "I'm sorry" to him and his response was "you're sorry all right.. you're a sorry excuse for a human being". After a couple times, I stopped saying it... ever. He'd say "aren't you sorry? " I'd laugh and say "Nah.. not even a little". It took me awhile but I learned not to give him any "ammunition". Then I was "cold" and "heartless". Yep. I was "no good", never did anything.. and I suggested he leave and not let the door hit him in arse. It was constant but I got to the point that I did what I needed to do.. and left in my own time and way. I'd prepared, and when the chance came, I left.
My mother in law just rephrases things later and it somehow ends up being how I remember situations. Now that im in therapy with 2 different therapists, I recognize this is gaslighting🤷♀️🤦♀️ and she does it with such ease and a CALM AF SMILE
So what your saying is your gas lighting has made it so your mother in law has to see two therapists and yet you stay super calm. 😋How did I do?I swear I can picture what she does and ill apo!goose for her since we all know she won't.
How old is your mother in law? Sometimes when older people are in denial about their hearing loss getting worse over time unless someone is constant correcting them about what was said both during and on occasion sometimes after a get together is over too communication can be difficult for all concerned. Unless of course your mother in law is rephrasing things while making it clear that is to denounce to all concerned the state of your character. That would be difficult to cope with for sure.
PS. Are you and your most brilliant team still considering the possibility of an in-person weekend or week long Surviving Narcisssm conference next year? What a wonderful healing and intellectually stimulating event that would absolutely be for members of beloved Team Healthy! Indeed! Dr. C! Please?🤗
The Lengths They Willing To Go To Preserve There Illusory Superiority Is Breath taking. The Endless Repetition Is Very Wearisome. It Was Easier To Ignore Them When I Was Younger. I Think I Have Been Worn Down Over The Years.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. Until 15 months ago I didn't know anything about narcissism, in particular covert narcissism. I had to end a 41 year marriage because of the numerous abuses I endured. I didn't have a clue what was going on when he let his mask slip simply because I was in the discard stage. I was being thrown away for a motorhome we recently purchased. It took a lot of work to get it where it was comfortable for us and then when we relocated to a more suitable climate for full time living, he wanted the motorhome all to himself which meant I no longer was of any value to him anymore. He is now my ex husband and I can say I have never been through anything like this before. The more I understand what happened and how to take care of myself because of your tremendously helpful podcasts and seeing a therapist who specializes in domestic violence, I'm slowly healing. Thank-you, Dr. Carter for all that you do.
My narc mother would say, "Mother knows best." I want to throw up thinking about those words. She really made me feel like it was bad to be me...think differently...everything I did was wrong even being my dad's daughter was wrong...that I am lazy, stupid, worthless, a nuisance...needy...a mistake...unlovable...a crappie person...just plain wrong.😢 But I tell myself God doesn't think that way about me & my dad never thought of me that way...Now, I have to stop thinking of myself that way. I try positive self-talk everyday.
Thanks so much Dr C for calling it out for what it is, ABUSE. Society dictates to us that if we mention the words narcissist and abuse to other people, we risk looking bad ourselves. Thank you so much for your validation 💚
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dr. C! I would not have been able to understand and heal anywhere near to the degree I have been able to without your expert guidance. Remember my example of a tree (the narcissist) that grows so big and so fast that nothing else around it can survive? Now several years after a 30 year relationship with a seemingly covert malignant narcissist (displayed 8 out of 9 traits) my two children still choose to be estranged from their mother who is the one person on this earth responsible for their existence based on what was said after their conception. Please everyone, you do not want to live in a constant state of uncertainty about almost everything in life with these seriously character disordered people. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt when they repeat offend over and over. Do ask them if they are following the evil accuser of brethren and father of lies (Satan) or if they have given their brokenness and sin over to the loving Lord, exercise grace and mercy to others, and trust in Jesus as their savior and emulate Him in their life to make this world a better place. There is enough difficulty already in this world, so why do things to make it more difficult? We are put here to fulfill the purpose for which God put us here. And, he gave us free will to choose evil or good. It's a test! Which one, evil or good, do you want God to know you are doing here on earth. Because He wants you with him in heaven, but no evil can be there. Evil people, along with Satan, have a fire waiting for them..and it's a lake of fire they will be tossed into. What do you want to be known for here and earth? And, where do you want to be for eternity? Namaste. 2 Cor 10:5.
A malignant Covert Narcissistic says very few of these direct criticisms, but through sabotaging any & all attempts to better yourself, love and have friends, have a good career, anything that takes focus from them will threaten them and they will undermine every aspect of your individuality! You’ll never do, or be good enough.
I think I may have been with a Covert Narc girlfriend… she always doubted me thought i was cheating and or wasn’t going to stay with her… so after awhile I didn’t feel comfortable having unprotected sex after we lost our baby and it was hard but I wanted too make sure she was going to stop doubting me for no reason and just believe that I love her and see what I am doing for her and her kids I was always there for her and we still could have sex with condoms but she wouldn’t for at least a month and hung it over my head even more after the failed pregnancy.. So then even with condoms it wasn’t something I was jumping for joy to go and do… even though i did because i love her… but she would get so mad saying I don’t love her etc… just wondering what people think about… being told this stuff when all you want is for your partner to not doubt you all the time and be so controlling and worrying even when you try to give them a ton of your time and even live together and you are helping her with her children from a previous relatonship etc. I won’t lie and say we would still do thing’s but sex wasn’t happening as much and I do have guilts about it but I also was being called names, felt controlled for how much time I would talk or hang with her vs my friends or family and sometimes even her own kids…. this has been really tough I love her very much and dont understand this stuff. I guess the question is also among other things is was I wrong to feel the way I did about sex and the relationship when I just wanted her to trust me and not grill me so much sorry for the huge question and what seems to be rambling also a back story to the whole thing as well…. as the state of my situation now…. down below I feel like I was always told if you really love me you'll have a child if you really love me you'll live with me if you really love me you marry me i did 2 out of the 3 but we lost the baby and I wanted her to stop doubting me so I didn't want to do unprotected anymore and it just didn't go well all I wanted was to be trusted and not doubted is that so bad It's almost like nothing I did helping with the kids everything just it for what ever reason never showed enough love or gave enough time even tho I felt like 90ish percent of my life was devoted to her and her children its so hard and sad :/ And I forgave her for a lot of stupid things that she would do you would do I won't say that I caught her cheating much, but i bet most would say what she did and has done was cheating... but she did talk to some guy online one time and then just recently when we were having difficulties and she was moving into her own place and I was possibly going to at least stay there and try to keep working on it I ended up finding messages from another guy from work this is 3 years after the other person even though that person was only online and then she ended up keeping talking to this guy while lying to me about it And then eventually we had an argument and she did the whole break up with me thing but then still wanted to work on things and still loved me and then eventually told me she slept with the other guy and then we're still talking to me so this has been super hard I could go on and on about what happened and I'm not trying to place blame all I wanted was for her to trust me and believe in my integrity I'm a person of my word I don't lie I don't cheat and I love with all my heart and I just don't understand how she could be this way and I wasn't scared of commitment I wasn't scared of marriage or child I just wanted the person I was with to believe I only wanted them and didn't want anyone else regardless of those things because I believe that it should be I was not going anywhere I was there for her and the kids 120% or so I thought. and I know I'm not perfect and I was and am always willing to work on things so that's what makes it hard too. One thing I always say or try to say to her was you want marriage, a baby, a dog, but I always told her you want all those things but when do you just want me. Because those things are beautiful and great to create with somebody but they shouldn't be the only thing you're with somebody for, because you want them and their attention to be with them and near them not just because of things you can get from them. I know my dad living with us wasn't easy sometimes either but I don't think it had a huge impact on all the things she always worried about if i was cheating or not going to be with her for ever and of course now I seem to be discarded. I do beat myself up and think did I not do enough should I have married or sooner should I have had child did I not give her enough attention that I hang out with my friends too much or be on the phone too much with them or did I play video games once in a while too much I felt like I always cater to her needs laid by her as much as she needed me I just wanted a little time with my friends here and there I barely even left the house when it came to doing that kind of stuff most of my friends are far away because they moved but I would play on the computer but I would try to only do it when she goes to sleep I don't know she has me 2nd guessing for sure the stuff is really hard especially when you're attached to her children 7 year relationship Anyways thanks
This video was the smoking gun for me with family issues. I'm done doubting myself. I pray to God any of you that are fresh with this stuff, trust your instincts, and free yourself before they destroy your future.
Psychopaths and sociopaths are ungodly, yet the most godly because they put themselves as god, and treat you however and it’s hard to be treated that way. If you don’t know there are people like them, and your boundaries are weak, you could be brainwashed into thinking you’re the abusive one because of your reactions to their stunning behaviors. Helps a lot to know the ideology of others. Some people aren’t very altruistic or cooperative. Some people pretend to be to con you and get you to serve them and fill a place in the dollhouse of their godship’s plaything.
As I reached adolescence, and I started to develop more independent curiosities about the world, my n-parent and codependent-other-parent upped the brainwashing and control to the next level. I see now, it was their desperate bid to keep me from discovering what was really going on in the family dynamic. When they perpetually told me 'not to ever tell anyone anything about ourselves to anyone outside the home' in that case it wasn't to protect me from potentially meeting a narcissist. it was to prevent me from revealing the abuse that went on behind closed doors.
My ex narc, fiance, said to me..."You don't even have a college degree and I was married for 25 years, you don't even know how to have a relationship"! I said, it doesn't take a college degree, to know I am being verbally and emotionally abused and being bullied by you! Needless to say...we are no longer together, he discarded me...Thank God! Because, honestly...I didn't have the strength!
Hi. I was married to a narcissist for 7 years. I didn't know what a true narcissist was. All the characteristics Dr. C describes a narcissist with fit. It was after the fact (seperation and divorce) I realized what I was dealing with. It didn't matter how loving or kind, patient or gentle I was, she remained abusive. I acknowledge I tried to help her see her unhealthy ways, to no avail and to my bewildered frustration. Thank you Dr. C for providing this valuable information and educating us on narcissism. I am grateful
Those messages I understand now are actually confessions of how they see themselves. My wife was intoxicated one day out boating, and out of the clear blue side yelled “You are a physically ugly man with yellow teeth!” Inside and out she who is one of the most beautiful women on the planet, viewed herself as ugly. So sad they cannot be vulnerable.
Doctor this is great information. Thank you for the powerful points on holding your own with these toxic individuals, they certainly help put their dominating, bullying, manipulating, brainwashing tactics in the right perspective. Often there is non verbal abuse too, like ostracising, ignoring, sneering, ridiculing, looking down on you, and very often what they think is cutting you down to size through some nasty group dynamics.
I am so relieved to understand that about brainwashing! I associate it with dictatorships and espionage drama, but you explain that it's much more common, and I saw that in my own family. "They want you to doubt your beliefs, values and preferences, and to fill you with themselves." Thank you Dr Carter. Your clarification is priceless.
I grew up with the “why can’t you just be normal.” Shoved in my face constantly. Along with the exact scenario of the book mentioned in video. I even had to burn/tear apart books that held “negative ideologies,” that didn’t align with the Christianity in the household. These videos have been very helpful to me thank you. Hearing the language used has helped me find my triggers and where I need to focus on getting better. Cheers.
In interpersonal relationships, It is when a narcissist wants you to believe something about you or others in order to fit their scenario. It is a form of psychological manipulation. " Believe in Yourself " 🦋
The narcs I am still dealing with are absolutely insane. I was peacefully living in China. They payed the campaign which was running nearby my house shouting : " you are sick, you are crazy, go home, go back to your home town", every day 24/7. It did not work out they later payed the police who fined me and then immigration told me to go away and TO MUST LEAVE China. Which I did. Even though basically they were supposed to help me with my original documents and citizenship. But they ignored my every word, instead of this they punished me on my Russian passport. Which my docs are still withheld. My narcs never stopped, they decided I would go back to their home town, but borders been locked. I just moved to a different country. They are so trackingly creative, they payed the campaign here which is shouting again: GO HOME. They are crazy. But I more surprised about how the officials react. Why they follow the narcs orders absolutely breaking the law and adding to my persecution which continues already for 10 years. This thing I will never understand.
You've been through so much, Natalia. Some governmental systems are narcissistic...highly controlling, little regard to the common person's valid needs. I hope you can land in a place that will appreciate the special gifts you have. I'm pulling for you. Dr. C
You nailed it Dr. Carter. Every single thing applied to my narcissist ex-wife. Constant emasculation and humiliation. My ex-wife and I had 3 deacons their wives over for supper one evening. I attended the juvenile services three nights a week with those men and she actually made the comment: "All I wanted to do was study the bible" in front of the wives. Of course they told their husbands afterward and they were shocked she said that. I stopped going to that church after our divorce yet, she still attends that church today and still sings in the choir. I'm blown away.
Isn't it interesting how they want nothing to do with you and you're just a nuisance to them, but then when you don't respond or when you leave, they want everything to do with you because they lost control of you? They are sick and twisted psychopaths.
Never respond to them in kind. They don't feel a thing and they will turn it around on you that you're the ugly person. They and their minions will never see their own actions as abusive or hurtful. And you just end up damaging your own soul in the process. It's not worth it and they are blind and deaf to their own actions. Since they all act the same (birds of a feather), you're the "f'd up" one because you dare to think and behave independently. I was made fun of for "agreeing to disagree", and I could be supportive of their endeavors, but mine were ridiculed and made fun of. And when I try to go quiet and ignore, they ramp up the harassment and try to put themselves physically in my face or make obnoxious amounts of noise outside of my home. But if I say that ain't right, I'm the bad guy.
YES Dr. Carter. In addition, they feel likes it’s their duty to REPRIMAND you when you don’t do things the way they would like despite my being a grown adult. Excellent and thank you. This is one I will replay many times.🙏🏼🥰💕
That is what I say, “let’s learn from each other.” Nobody should allow someone else to have the upper hand importantly if you are an ADULT who has a sound mind.
I watched something once where true manipulation is about you feeling like you're under attack either about your thoughts or ideals but you can't sense where the threat is coming from. So it confuses you because the person in front of you is seeming to be very nice but it's the confusion and feeling the threat in your gut something's off is how gaslighting starts the narrative starts - and the worst thing you can do is second guess yourself. I, never did. I used to smile and along to keep them happy and go back to what I was doing but because everyone was known for saying how good of a memory I've got for years so I'm not second guessing myself!
Even though a serious subject matter Dr. Carter cracks me up several times throughout his presentation with his wit and wisdom. Thank you Dr. Carter!!! PS: Love you!!! It's the best investment you'll ever make. Peace be with you. ❤
Dr. C, you are right on the money yet again! As much as you might try to predict what a narcissist will do and when he will do it, they have a way of turning on the abuse just when things SEEM to be going well, after they have had you walking on eggshells for a while, and when you start to relax and let down your guard a little, taking you by surprise. It's just as bad as being slapped in the face for no reason! Like being dunked into ice cold water and unable to catch your breath. I have never been able to cope well with people who are "snappers" who take their junk out on me, nor should we have to. There is NEVER even an apology for "losing it", they are totally committed to the idea that YOU are the problem. They don't even necessarily want you to be THEM, they just want you to keep your mouth shut and to dominate and ruin you, I guess to make up for how insecure and bad they secretly feel about themselves. The love/hate thing is really painful. The little and rare acts of love keep you confused and "in the game", and is all about "intermittent reinforcement". You would NEVER stick around somebody who treats you with disdain ALL the time. They keep you like a dog, sitting with your mouth drooling, watching for when that rare treat is going to be dispensed your way. Some people say, learn to think like they do so you won't be surprised. That's a horrible way to live, watching your back all the time waiting for the next "strike". I think I know how a rabbit feels when he sees a fox stroll by! It is NOT good for you! Get out however you can. The company or perks or whatever you get from living on the edge of a narcissist's crazy is too high a price to pay for losing your respect for yourself or your trust in the good people who can come your way if you are focused on your life and not obsessed with or confused by the narcissist. I wonder if it isn't easier/better if they actually tell you they think you are stupid or ugly instead of just giving you dirty looks and acting irritated or disgusted while telling you "I have nothing to say." It's as if on top of being annoyed, they dish out the extra pain of making you GUESS what they are thinking or how your might save the conversation or moment from disaster, and you get the impression they think you are just too stupid, hopeless etc. -- without actually saying it -- to even deserve some kind of explanation......THEY DON"T HAVE AN EXPLANATION! Some of them don't plan their abuse, they just base everything on their crazy emotions of the moment. Their motto is "I feel that way, therefore I am RIGHT to feel that way!" This is the logic of little children, not a rational adult willing to negotiate and understand. It's "my way or the highway" and "give me what I want when I want it or you are absolutely the worst X and I hate you!" They will project and accuse you of hating them when you protest the way they treat you. They may actually be totally disinterested in you, never showing any interest in your thoughts or what you've been doing lately. Everything is all about THEM. When this really soaks in and you realize they are never any source of genuine comfort or satisfaction any longer, and tear down your confidence, you will ask yourself why you are trying so hard to turn things around? Did you grow up in a household where you were parentified or where you were assigned complete responsibility for how other people behaved or felt towards you? When their behavior says "Screw you, I don't give a damn about what you need or think" and confrontation doesn't help, it's time to walk away, or make them discard you (actually they dumped you in their minds a LOOOOONG time ago and are justifying it after the fact). When they dump you, of course they will tell their flying monkeys that you are awful and crazy and they couldn't deal any longer with you, the fatally flawed. Let them pull "the trigger" instead of playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. (WHO CARES???? Then they MIGHT, if they ever get into therapy, realize at some point that THEY have been unfair to YOU. At least you haven't given them the gift of protesting that they have been dumped, and your conscience is clear. However, if they stubbornly persist in keeping you ensnared and won't give you a "push", then just leave on your own. No looking back. Get into therapy yourself if you feel uncertain or confused. Listen to Dr. C !!!!
I could copy and paste every single word … your words are like hitting the nail directly on the head … I’m no contact almost 6 weeks. He went out area for work and we g Have not breathed one word. Silent treatment!!! I call it being a coward along with each and every descriptive adjective you used in your message. Left me here to deal while he is actually working for a change. I have been buried in trying to remember who I was . In therapy .. I need strength . I pray for strength . I have also picked up some old hobbies I used to enjoy .. crocheting.. baking .. just keep my mind occupied. Pray for me .. he is expected home within next week. We live separately.. but that does not stop the narcissistic control. I’m learning from DR. CARTER … and team “healthy” it’s not going be easy . I remember liking myself.. taking pride in my accomplishments.. ( raised my boy as single parent). I believe if we all pray together .. team healthy will come out free and with peace!!!!
I used to feel like his dog. He wan ted me to lay & be quiet & there at home when he would come home* & get into bed when he did so he wouldn't be alone to SLEEP* Bless you I hope your happier now & things are going good for you*
Thank you for these videos, yourself, Dr Ramani, Common Ego, and a few other channels have helped me escape my first narcissistic relationship on Saturday. It hurts putting so much energy her and her little one to get lied to, gaslit, breadcrumbed, infidelity (even after overwhelming evidence she still denies).... the list goes on. But the resources here helped me recognise the signs and patterns, and have helped me escape and get out while I did. A win for me, even if it stings like a bitch right now. Thanks again!
I can't stop watching your channel, Dr Les. I can't get enough of being validated, of having my abusive childhood being validated. I am freer and lighter in a way that I couldn't have imagined possible. At 35 I finally have a strong sense of what's been wrong with me, why I have felt the way I felt my whole life, and why I've had so many struggles being an adult. The biggest takeaway so far is that none of my dad's behaviour was about us. We were raised by a deeply troubled person who had zero business being a parent or being responsible for a human life in any shape or form. Hell, I don't think he would've been capable keeping a dog! He was a liar, a brainwashing coward, an unhealthy individual who projected all his crap on to us. Knowing that everything he told us and made us believe about ourselves were LIES is setting me free. Thank you Dr Les C
We should consider the source, we can not let evil abusive people destroy our lives. It is vital to respect ourselves and live our lives in freedom and in God’s given dignity and free will which no narcisist or other abuser is allowed to question, undermine or take away from us. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you.
At the central core of the narcissist is a sense of inadequacy about themselves. I wonder if Dr C. could or if you did address this specifically in a video. Thank you, this was nice. Just about every negative comment you made I heard a thousand times. You have to wonder about man. I have learned so much from you. Gus is so cool
I sometimes go back to when I was a little child and still unspoiled. Natural, happy and totally myself. I like her a lot. I'm proud of me at 6 yrs old. And I can learn a lot from the good feelings I had at the time. For me childhood is an important piece in the puzzle of all this. The puzzle about myself!
Annie I feel the same way about my younger self… the true me that I’m striving to find again! Recently I found a journal that I wrote at 8 years old… how I hated my parents for the lack of consistency and trust. Little did I know then they were narcissists who would tear me away from my true self for years….
I remember too much !!! But, age 4 was my fave age. I could read, write, & spell my full name. I knew my phone # & address. I knew I wasn't a baby any more. ( was the eldest of 3 at the time). I knew I had to go to school when summer was over, & I dreaded that ! Then I had the Meanest, old lady kindergarten teacher !!! My dad who raised me was/is a narc. By age 6, I didn't trust men or boys! Age 6! By age 15, I literally lived in 15 houses & went to 15 schools. Got married young, to another narc. But narc guys were all I knew of. I just figured they were all not trustworthy. .... Anyway !! Age 4 was the Best year. People wld ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I decided at age 3, I WAS an Artist Already !!! I used to think, "Why do I have to wait til I grow up ??!!! I'm an artist Now," !!! Free spirited, & Confident at age 4!! I'd remember that age, during difficult times. Not my age so much. But how I thought about myself then...
@@nani.9754 I understand. I relly do. When small (6) its only glimts, but it's important to catch them and make them mine. My true memories. Even the bads. Not the one I've been told.
Thank you so much for this video, this is exactly what I needed to hear. My parents are both malignant narcissists. Extremely heartless people, in my opinion. But I've been really thankful that my siblings are not narcissists at all. I got very lucky in that sense. But the downside is that they are younger and still a bit brainwashed. For my birthday last weekend, I stood firm on my boundaries despite the lovebombing from my parents. But my youngest sibling has been trying to get me to see "both sides" and trying to tell me how much my parents secretly love me (lol). It hurts a lot more when someone you love, who is close to you, helps to gaslight you because they themselves are brainwashed. It made me doubt myself in a way I normally don't any longer. I've been really sad for the past few days over it. It's amazing how they can ruin any birthday or holiday, no matter how you fortify yourself. But facts are facts. I know full well who my parents are and what their evil intentions for me are. I won't be folding even if they use my sibling as a tool against me.
Fill your own cup first! Sadly, too many people subjected to Narcissistic parents, or people whom they have to be around, run at first chance thinking they can get away. Sometimes this works as long as they're not running to another Narcissistic person who has tricked you into believing they can fix everything! Everyone needs to be reliant on themselves only. Finding how to make yourself happy, before stepping into another's life. Once you know who you are, it's more difficult for a Narcissist to look at you as their next victim. My vessel, my very soul is under my control. No one can take that away. "Insecurity, Abuse, & Cowardice" are only a few descriptions of a Narcissist! Coward is the word I focus on, next to cruelty. I never allowed this behavior when I saw it happen to people who were close to me. But, I got snatched up by more than one Narcissist. The levels of narcissism would take a lifelong study. I can only Thank the Angel on my shoulder & remind myself that, "I dodged a bullet"! I cannot Thank You enough for your help. Along with Gus! 🤗 True unconditional love! Animals have always been in my life & I'm so lucky! Blessings to you all💯💖
I had it all under control like that, too, until they took my son. every time i achieve some sort of happiness someone takes it. this last time they took my son and my job and my car. and my money. what little I had. and I bounce from place to place again because I never know what kind of landlord I'm gonna get. my family stole my inheritances so I am forced to live like this.
I was brainwashed too as a child. But I am going back as far I can remember. and I bring this basked and collect every golden moment, every golden day from my life that I remember. I remember how I was gaslighted as an innocent child and told by narcissistic people, how dark and hopeless everything was. But when I look back today, from a brigther view, now when I know! I can see they have lied and how they have told me the wrong story. I can see another child, another Me! The person I really was. I want to collect the correct memories and write them down. The true story about my life. The narcissists stole me and took my childhoold away from me. But seeing everything in another light from Now, from Today! I have understood that I have a different story about myself. And that is so important for me to go back and correct it. Then I can take back what is mine, what is Me! Bring back the truth. And I am going to write it down. For myself.
Wow, that title. It’s so interesting to me how some of the simplest things can be triggering. Gaslighting is the ultimate form of brainwashing. I feel so many emotions when i think about having been so brainwashed- and not just emotions toward the narcissist but also toward myself. At this point, i will not waste my time and i will not waste my emotions (if i can help it) on the narcissist. I have felt all the feel’s on their part, got it out of my system, learned what i needed to learn to know what i needed to know about them. But as for myself… i have to live with ME for the rest of my life (haha) so i want to never stop learning. And the emotions i feel toward myself… the ones that are triggered by the realization of the fact that i had been brainwashed… whew! it’s hard not to be hard on myself for being so dooped. On the flipped side of that coin, it’s also invigorating to come through it and appreciate the applause i can now give myself. Triggers tempt me to feel stupid for what happened to me. Triggers tempt me to not applaud. Encouragement like your, DrC, keep me clapping!
Stamping, ouch. Damn. So, I would say, when I was a kid my primary source of reality was: Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Star Trek, Leave it to Beaver(huh?). And everybody's parents were easier to deal with than my own. Hmmm, maybe that's because I wasnt their problem. Honestly that's not the vibe I ever got from any of them, and their kids were my friends! It was great, until I had to go home again. *sigh*
Dr. C., your recent videos have really resonated with me lately, and I thank you for that. I'm developing a deeper awareness of how I ended up with my ex-husband/narcissist. Having been raised to be a "1950's housewife" by my 1950's parents, I believed I wanted that existence. However, as I matured and became professionally educated, my world view and concept of marriage expanded. But, by then, I had married my narcissist. In retrospect, I find that I had grown over time while he had not. Life began to transition when he found that he couldn't brainwash me any longer. How interesting & informative your videos are! Thank you!
This is one of your best videos. I have watched quite a few and have many favorites, but I think this one hits the nail on the head the most. The betrayal is the worst. Itay is easy to blame yourself till you see what is going on. I was played for such a fool because I felt sympathy for these losers.
This is a very insightful video. The opinions of others doesn't define me. The knowledge of one's own self can not deter whatever opinions of others, especially narcs will define me. Thank you for this wisdom.
I thank God for you Dr Carter. Please know that the work you're doing is a powerful blessing in many, many lives including mine. God bless you & your's greatly. 🙏
51 years of marriage to a narc 😩😩😩thank God I’m a stronge person. You have given me unbelievable skill to manage this person .I smile to myself at his stupidity. It’s extremely satisfying to feel superior to his childish behaviour. This has taken many years to get to this stage but it’s still so very sad and he has no idea of how unpleasant his company /
Thank You, kindly, Dr Carter! 🙏🏻 I was prepared as a Child, w/ Gaslighting: “I never said that whatsoever!” YES, he DID! Reversing a Rule, he had Set the Day Before! He Once told me, “Call the Police!” Me, “Why?” His answer, “I want you out of here!” Me, “Let me get this straight… You want ME to call the Police, to KICK ME OUT?” Really?” I may be nuts… But, I’m not CRAZY!” So, All Attempts of Gaslighting - Were like a Flashing-Red-Light, w/Siren when I married a Narcissist! My main downfall - He flipped from Love Bombing, to Monster so Quickly, I sincerely thought he had Alzheimer’s. So that kept me pouring in the NICE! I thought, ‘Poor Guy… I must be a Faithfully Good Wifey - He’s losing his brains!’ Until, he got frustrated w/me & turned Abusive!💛🕊🍃
I needed this message. Just got let go from a job that was important to me. This video describes my supervisor to a T. That’s not to say I was perfect either. I made mistakes, but not of the firing variety.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr C....you are a breath of fresh air, and I just love your humour. You've helped me identify exactly what another close relation is doing, arrogant, constant criticism, always primed for a fight.....all so unnecessary !! Another great healing video ⚘
They don't always tell you what to think but their actions sometimes speak louder than words. It's as though you are not even there and you are totally ignored in your thoughts, what you feel or say. And they will call you names that are saying you are nothing. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for a much needed video.
By the time you find this video it's probably too late. For me at least. The damage was already done. I appreciate this content very much, it's validating and comforting
Most gracious Dr. C. giving our upper most mind highest highlights of their crazy talk & their weird sense of self proclaimed narcissistic trait trash .... #teamhealthy ✌️☮️
Especially at the market it often takes 3 or 4 of us to figure something out! I love it. On this topic here, I remember as a child being told to stop whining and I see now I learned it's not ok to need. And as an adult I find people do not like needy people...and there is lots I need just now. It was not safe in my family. I'm human. I have needs. Working on noticing how well I get my needs met. Many thanks.
are you supplying your needs or are you expecting others to meet them? I was never allowed to need anything either. after the judge allowed me to be emancipated at 17; and after my roomy's father in law tried to rape me a couple of times where I was living trying to do my senior year in high school, I bounced from couch to couch and never had a life. by the time I tried college I was almost 30. Now I'm so far in debt its unreal and cant get a job - or own anything - because of college. everything I Have tried to do to just break even - not even get ahead - has gone up in flames. my whole life has been a dumpster fire because I was never allowed to have my needs met as a child. I understand where you are coming from very well.
@@skinnyway ...same here. I also think they were so jealous of us that if we ever showed that we were good at something or had a talent for something they made sure to tear it down and degrade us into believing we would never amount to anything, that we were useless, so we felt useless and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I never believed in myself or my own capabilities because I was never encouraged or lifted up or told I can do things and be successful. They pushed us down to makes us feel small so they would feel bigger. They are as toxic as they come. They never watered us, and when you get no water it's hard to grow, blossom or thrive.
Hello Dr. Carter, I just now signed up at Better Help. I am praying that this therapy experience will be positive. My previous experiences were not, but I had no idea what I needed. Thanks to your work and that of Dr. Ramani I do know what I need and how to talk about it!! THANK YOU!!
Oh, Dr.. Les, you are spot on! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. You are really helping me to stay on the healthy path and not regress and blame myself. My ex-narcisist would tell me that he knew me better than I knew myself. I would tell him that he was not listening to me and he would always come back, with a counter---that he heard every word and knows me so well. No, he only fiigured out what made me tick and what things would make me happy and feel secure and use that against me and then wiith hold things to punish me or get me back in line. Then he would be so upset if I suceeded and was in the spot light and would then use information he had gathered from me earlier, to try to devastate me and tear me apart. I finally caught him at that game, but only after I had ended it with him. Thanks and God bless you. You are a blessing to me and so many others
I get told, "your way is the wrong way" "you always go against the grain Laura" "you are just a mean person" "you are just hard to be around" and so on..
It’s never to late to breathe, laugh and love without measure. I went through the 5 stages of grief after I woke up to this reality I lived for 30 years. 💐 Life is wonderful without them dictating, insulting and criticizing EVERYTHING that makes you YOU!! 😃🥰
Right before the 7:24 mark, my first husband used to say to me " You are a warehouse if useless information". I left him about 40 years ago, I laugh about now, but he was a very abusive husband.
I've been divorced 17 years. I had said to him "there was no need for that nasty remark" and after filling for divorce he called me "a nasty piece of work" 😳
@@SurvivingNarcissism Would you PLEASE make a video about that projection ,but more in general human behaviour.My (late) father projected many his failures on to me(i'm oldest child).Though i loved him very much,it was in a way serious wall between us. Why do people project their own(usually bad!) characteristics towards others?Doesnt makes sense.
Dear Dr Carter, when ever I found some time to watch your videos during my very busy life schedule, I always think, that they are the best, as you always explain things clearly, and always make very good points. Your videos have helped me a lot, and I did forwarded them to others. Thank you for being who you are, as you are an amazing person.
I thank you Dr. C for speaking about narcissism in a clear, concise way that brings clarity and light to this disorder. It's the constant, persistent abuse that wears on you and ultimately brainwashes you without your awareness.
I experienced an unbeleivable amount of this authoritarian garbage. It was clear that anything I was, did or said was completely wrong. One time a home improvement project I had done was praised until it was learned that I had been respinsible for it...then crickets.
A bully is a coward!
A bully wants control. Sick behavior. Yes, Wendy, a bully is a coward. Self- centerness and selfishness .🌹
@@cheri238 🦋
So true, Wendy!
A bully is a bully because they are afraid!!! The mask that hides the cowardice 🙏
Covert narcissists are the worst! They never say the ugly things out loud (cuz that would be too obvious to others), but they infer them on a regular basis. Soooo difficult to put an exact finger on their tactics...
Dr. Carter thank you for putting into words what I lived in for over 32 years. The second anniversary date of his death is Thursday and I am struggling just to function. You are voicing loud and clear what I lived through. I guess I was so isolated and controlled for so long that my disheveled mind couldn't see this. With tears streaming down my face I listened to you describe what I was feeling each and every day for so long. The anger that I feel for myself for allowing this to go on just blows my mind. And the fact that I still love (?) Him and miss him is insane. I want you to know that you and sleepy Gus are a lifeline for me. You rescued me years ago with your wise teachings and I do so value your help in trying to understand this madness. What you do in ministering to us broken souls is God given and I pray for your continued health and safety. Love from TN. 🙏❤️🙏
"Zero interest in seeing you thrive and grow!" This one knocked me over with a feather. I spent so much time hiding all of this (books, therapy, growth, new ideas, major purchases) from (wink) family and friends. Now I know why I became a secret squirrel!
I'm sorry you went through such a hard time. Still, I think you did an awesome job keeping on being yourself in a terrible environment, by reaching out for life in all the ways you mentioned. Your story inspires me.
Yes, that's exactly it! The hatred is so overwhelming it permeates everything.
Sabotaged every time I’d start getting better
One of the things I was always told was "I know you better than you know yourself". It makes me cringe now looking back. Total brainwashing. The sad part is, I started to believe it and actually allowed this person to direct my life based on this lie. 🤮
Those are the words of a major schemer.
I heard that one too! And “Don’t think” and “if you would do what I tell to do you would be fine”. I see now! He’s a chaotic self centered mess. I was his stability and character. He used my kindness and truthfulness as a weapon against my life. It was like running uphill on an icy road. Thank you for sharing!!! 💐
OMG, my late husband once told me that! Our marriage was difficult from the get go and should never have happened. Six years of marriage and the latter 3 were complete misery! God resolved the matter for me - he developed colon cancer and passed away. The internet back then wasn't what it is now, so I had no idea what was going on or why, but now I do! Thank you Dr Carter (and Gus!)
I've been told that! Also,'I Know what you're like!' and 'That's typical of you!'
Cringe-worthy!!!
Sadly, that is someone who is highly narcissistic and people do start to believe it. Glad you are out of it, we all live and learn in one way or another.
Evil disguised as virtue
True…demeaning, condescending and arrogant while at the same time acting like they’re benevolent and doing you a favor. I can’t deal with it anymore.
secondhand care. secondhand consideration. secondhand life. never defended. never confided in. never spoken to kindly unless they are making fun. always speak about you as if you werent right there. the dog is a more revered family member. the only time they are honest is when it can hurt you. yeah. I stay away from my family for all those reasons. I never missed them. I was only hurt by my leaving because they didnt miss me, either.
It's exhausting.
Can't tell you how many times I heard "I'm doing you a favor" "I've had to defend you against people" (total lie) "Look at all the things I've done for you". They keep score and tabs on people and it's always "what have you done for me" and a "you owe me" mentality, constantly. No matter how much you do for them, it's never, EVER, enough. Best of luck, get out while you still can, it CAN happen for you.
@@PlayBetterJazz I can relate with all that. Thank you 🙏🏻
You perfectly described my father. It's disgusting.
Yes. An abusive bully sums it up.
Wow! I am shaking as I listen. Oh my, Dr C. Can i really get through and over this? Insidiousness, oh my, I don't know what to say. Thank you Dr Carter, when you explain it and I see just how malignant, oh my, it is obvious but I also know how insidious it has been... Boiling frogs comes to mind. I, the frog. Oh my.
Yes. Two friends of mine have compared what my ex husband did as slowly boiling a frog. It's terrifying that I was enduring this while not having a clue what was happening to me.
I used to hear “I know how you think” and “I know you belieeeeve what you’re saying” or just plain old gaslighting and telling me what I think/feel. Using any faults/vulnerabilities against me likeI wasn’t well because I had them.
The brainwashing is insidious and so real. I knew things weren’t right, but made excuses for him and blamed myself as I was taught to do 🙄
Ugh, this has been a hard process and I’ve got work to do, but at least I know I wasn’t wrong about what was happening.
Yes, he believes I don’t actually have the right to exist.
Thank you for calling it abuse. People need that validation coming out of the brain fog.
Yes. I certainly did.
Thank you for calling this sort of treatment "abuse". When I was with my narcissistic ex- husband I told him that he was being abusive. He hissed at me that I didn't know the meaning of that word - his attempt to get me back in line while at the same time implying that I was too stupid to understand that word. Thank you for calling it what it is! Your videos have been such an encouragement to me on the healing process, thank you!
I never dared using the term “abuse” because anything even approaching her wrongdoing got projected back at me. But worse.
Calling others "stupid" is textbook narcissism. Heal on!
I left a screaming two timing one. Big lying gas lighter. Not smart enough to be kind and honest.
Growing up I was interested in history, there happened to be circulating in the family a book with reference to an ancester of my fathers family, when I asked my narc father an I have a look, hs said no and gave me the impression I was no worthy to use my brain. I went on to be a history loved to this day. Dont have any brains around a narcissist.
Agreed. My jaw dropped. That's why we work on ourselves.
A narcissistic relationship is when two people care about one person! They only care about themselves and you care about them! You are on your own! Take care of yourself first and love yourself first! They will NOT!!! They will never ever care nor love you! They don’t love themselves and you can’t make them! Unfortunately!! 💐 They wear you out! They whittle away your spirit!! Like a dripping faucet til you spring a leak! Thank you Team Healthy for sharing your experience and truth! You help me heal! Today I see the 🚩 🚩🚩 that I will never unsee ! 💐 🙏🕊 knowledge is power
That’s right, Dr. C, they are bullies and it’s abuse! I’m so thankful that I’m soon going to be free from my abuser! 🙏🏼
I would love to hear more videos about how to heal from Narcissistic Abuse. I pray it’s possible!
Not only did AG expect me to agree with him, my reasons were supposed to match his pretty closely. If they didn't, well, ok, but couldn't I at least give the appearance? Not only in public--just keep my own thoughts to myself, his ideas are the ones that matter. It's refreshing that Steve actually WANTS to hear my real opinions, and if they don't match his, he makes a real effort to at least understand my reasoning.
Narcissist portrays you as the perfect love of their life. With the passage of time they will take everything from you and will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
One key element to survive narcissist tactics is learning to think like them, then you know what’s coming and how to respond. The difficulty is not losing yourself and becoming them, it’s really hard to balance. It’s even more difficult to find yourself again, and you won’t find who you were, you will learn who you are, and you not a disordered narcissist! But your still not the same as you once were…
cuz i’m the way you do this i i and then i’ll to the same day fyaayzchch urchiyyyyyvuzgu kkvkpsjjhczhshhhh n
"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."
No way I could twist my mind to think like a narc. That is psychological quicksand. I identified the behavior patterns long ago, and I am learning to understand the “why” part through Dr. C’s books, videos, and comments from others who have had close associations with narcs. Knowledge and understanding of the mindset makes it pretty easy to predict their next plot.
In any case, I know two things: 1. The next blow WILL come. 2. It WILL be hurtful and nasty. When we can’t (or won’t) go no contact, radical acceptance and taking steps to protect ourselves from the worst case scenario are good ideas. When a narc sees their target getting into the same muck that they wallow in, it THRILLS them. I am not giving them that.
Your right! I can anticipate his next move now but its made me a bit harsh and haggard like I should be really thin and only wear grey and always have a broom in my hand.its not pretty.
I’m not entering that sunken place, but I will recognize their patterns. I stand in my power. Observe don’t absorb.
Thank you so much for calling brainwashing what it is - abuse. I'm so used to brainwashing attempts by narcissists that if I'm not careful it can seem normal.
I deeply appreciate your videos as well as Gus's steadfast commitment to napping.
a laughing meltdown here whaaaaa about the napping dog .. i could not say in any better in a million years .. and ? Carter moves me to the bone as in always are thrilled by his accuracy towards my recognition .. So how is that English from Holland here !
What I discovered is that for a narc, never being satisfied is another control mechanism. As long as the narc has you jumping through hoops to please him, he will keep up the ruse. If you come close, he will move the goalpost. The narc is my life was NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER SATISFIED. On the occasion I did what was requested, the narc never acknowledged it, but was always at the ready to complain. Once I realized after too many years that the narc could not by design be contented, I stopped cold turkey. Again, it is control, control, control. And unless you disengage, it never ends.
You put your finger right on it!
Narcs can also be shes. Men can also be victims. I am one.
@@jmlkhan5153 Agreed. Most of the narcs I've dealt with have been women. The disorder runs down the maternal side of my family and affects about half of my female relatives.
Yah my husband always says, “why are you trying to hurt me?” No matter what I do or say.
I contacted my narc ex trying to find out about my grandson who is caught in addiction that my narc daughter will not communicate with me about. I was motivated only by my love for my grandson. By the time our conversation was over I was very confused about myself and my intentions. OMG the clarity of the narc became vERY CLEAR. I felt a strong need to snatch myself in protection. And PRAY diligently for my grandson. Please God protect him and help him become free of these people!
Hello 👋
Back in the 90s, I sought therapy for the ongoing effects of trauma from my narcissistic mother and ex-husband. I wish I'd known then what I've learned in the past couple of years from Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano. I remember puzzling to my therapist, "Those two didn't just object to what I said and did. They objected to my existence as a separate person." I wish he had said, "That's because they are narcissists, and narcissists act in certain predictable ways." I wish he's given me some of the conceptual tools I have now. But I'm glad I have them now.
My mother was a covet narc and the criticism was subtle and continuous. I was VERY lucky to have an older brother and sister who protected and loved me. By the time the youngest of them left home, I was 9, but I knew I was smart (and loved) so the criticism didn't bother me as much.
Then I married a narc. Oy. I said "I'm sorry" to him and his response was "you're sorry all right.. you're a sorry excuse for a human being". After a couple times, I stopped saying it... ever. He'd say "aren't you sorry? " I'd laugh and say "Nah.. not even a little".
It took me awhile but I learned not to give him any "ammunition". Then I was "cold" and "heartless". Yep. I was "no good", never did anything.. and I suggested he leave and not let the door hit him in arse.
It was constant but I got to the point that I did what I needed to do.. and left in my own time and way. I'd prepared, and when the chance came, I left.
Thanks so much for this information on brainwashing.
My mother in law just rephrases things later and it somehow ends up being how I remember situations. Now that im in therapy with 2 different therapists, I recognize this is gaslighting🤷♀️🤦♀️ and she does it with such ease and a CALM AF SMILE
So what your saying is your gas lighting has made it so your mother in law has to see two therapists and yet you stay super calm. 😋How did I do?I swear I can picture what she does and ill apo!goose for her since we all know she won't.
We have the same Mother. 🤦🏽
How old is your mother in law? Sometimes when older people are in denial about their hearing loss getting worse over time unless someone is constant correcting them about what was said both during and on occasion sometimes after a get together is over too communication can be difficult for all concerned. Unless of course your mother in law is rephrasing things while making it clear that is to denounce to all concerned the state of your character. That would be difficult to cope with for sure.
@ Frances Bernard, Hearing loss doesn’t get other people put into therapy.
@@luffypupperstien2706 I was like wtf. Then I realized🤣. Great example ! GREAT
Recognizing the pattern for what it is: Abuse!
Exactly.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, sir. And, It is oh so much more clear now! Thank you Dr. C! 🙂
PS. Are you and your most brilliant team still considering the possibility of an in-person weekend or week long Surviving Narcisssm conference next year? What a wonderful healing and intellectually stimulating event that would absolutely be for members of beloved Team Healthy! Indeed! Dr. C! Please?🤗
The Lengths They Willing To Go To Preserve There Illusory Superiority Is Breath taking. The Endless Repetition Is Very Wearisome. It Was Easier To Ignore Them When I Was Younger. I Think I Have Been Worn Down Over The Years.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. Until 15 months ago I didn't know anything about narcissism, in particular covert narcissism. I had to end a 41 year marriage because of the numerous abuses I endured. I didn't have a clue what was going on when he let his mask slip simply because I was in the discard stage. I was being thrown away for a motorhome we recently purchased. It took a lot of work to get it where it was comfortable for us and then when we relocated to a more suitable climate for full time living, he wanted the motorhome all to himself which meant I no longer was of any value to him anymore. He is now my ex husband and I can say I have never been through anything like this before. The more I understand what happened and how to take care of myself because of your tremendously helpful podcasts and seeing a therapist who specializes in domestic violence, I'm slowly healing. Thank-you, Dr. Carter for all that you do.
You're quite welcome. I'm glad to join you on your journey!
My narc mother would say, "Mother knows best." I want to throw up thinking about those words. She really made me feel like it was bad to be me...think differently...everything I did was wrong even being my dad's daughter was wrong...that I am lazy, stupid, worthless, a nuisance...needy...a mistake...unlovable...a crappie person...just plain wrong.😢
But I tell myself God doesn't think that way about me & my dad never thought of me that way...Now, I have to stop thinking of myself that way. I try positive self-talk everyday.
Thanks so much Dr C for calling it out for what it is, ABUSE.
Society dictates to us that if we mention the words narcissist and abuse to other people, we risk looking bad ourselves. Thank you so much for your validation 💚
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dr. C! I would not have been able to understand and heal anywhere near to the degree I have been able to without your expert guidance. Remember my example of a tree (the narcissist) that grows so big and so fast that nothing else around it can survive? Now several years after a 30 year relationship with a seemingly covert malignant narcissist (displayed 8 out of 9 traits) my two children still choose to be estranged from their mother who is the one person on this earth responsible for their existence based on what was said after their conception. Please everyone, you do not want to live in a constant state of uncertainty about almost everything in life with these seriously character disordered people. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt when they repeat offend over and over. Do ask them if they are following the evil accuser of brethren and father of lies (Satan) or if they have given their brokenness and sin over to the loving Lord, exercise grace and mercy to others, and trust in Jesus as their savior and emulate Him in their life to make this world a better place. There is enough difficulty already in this world, so why do things to make it more difficult? We are put here to fulfill the purpose for which God put us here. And, he gave us free will to choose evil or good. It's a test! Which one, evil or good, do you want God to know you are doing here on earth. Because He wants you with him in heaven, but no evil can be there. Evil people, along with Satan, have a fire waiting for them..and it's a lake of fire they will be tossed into. What do you want to be known for here and earth? And, where do you want to be for eternity? Namaste. 2 Cor 10:5.
Thank you, Laura. You are developing a wisdom founded in much struggle and pain. Best wishes to you.
A malignant Covert Narcissistic says very few of these direct criticisms, but through sabotaging any & all attempts to better yourself, love and have friends, have a good career, anything that takes focus from them will threaten them and they will undermine every aspect of your individuality! You’ll never do, or be good enough.
I think I may have been with a Covert Narc girlfriend… she always doubted me thought i was cheating and or wasn’t going to stay with her… so after awhile I didn’t feel comfortable having unprotected sex after we lost our baby and it was hard but I wanted too make sure she was going to stop doubting me for no reason and just believe that I love her and see what I am doing for her and her kids I was always there for her and we still could have sex with condoms but she wouldn’t for at least a month and hung it over my head even more after the failed pregnancy..
So then even with condoms it wasn’t something I was jumping for joy to go and do… even though i did because i love her… but she would get so mad saying I don’t love her etc… just wondering what people think about… being told this stuff when all you want is for your partner to not doubt you all the time and be so controlling and worrying even when you try to give them a ton of your time and even live together and you are helping her with her children from a previous relatonship etc. I won’t lie and say we would still do thing’s but sex wasn’t happening as much and I do have guilts about it but I also was being called names, felt controlled for how much time I would talk or hang with her vs my friends or family and sometimes even her own kids…. this has been really tough I love her very much and dont understand this stuff.
I guess the question is also among other things is was I wrong to feel the way I did about sex and the relationship when I just wanted her to trust me and not grill me so much sorry for the huge question and what seems to be rambling
also a back story to the whole thing as well…. as the state of my situation now…. down below
I feel like I was always told if you really love me you'll have a child if you really love me you'll live with me if you really love me you marry me i did 2 out of the 3 but we lost the baby and I wanted her to stop doubting me so I didn't want to do unprotected anymore and it just didn't go well all I wanted was to be trusted and not doubted is that so bad It's almost like nothing I did helping with the kids everything just it for what ever reason never showed enough love or gave enough time even tho I felt like 90ish percent of my life was devoted to her and her children its so hard and sad :/ And I forgave her for a lot of stupid things that she would do you would do I won't say that I caught her cheating much, but i bet most would say what she did and has done was cheating...
but she did talk to some guy online one time and then just recently when we were having difficulties and she was moving into her own place and I was possibly going to at least stay there and try to keep working on it I ended up finding messages from another guy from work this is 3 years after the other person even though that person was only online and then she ended up keeping talking to this guy while lying to me about it And then eventually we had an argument and she did the whole break up with me thing but then still wanted to work on things and still loved me and then eventually told me she slept with the other guy and then we're still talking to me so this has been super hard
I could go on and on about what happened and I'm not trying to place blame all I wanted was for her to trust me and believe in my integrity I'm a person of my word I don't lie I don't cheat and I love with all my heart and I just don't understand how she could be this way and I wasn't scared of commitment I wasn't scared of marriage or child I just wanted the person I was with to believe I only wanted them and didn't want anyone else regardless of those things because I believe that it should be I was not going anywhere I was there for her and the kids 120% or so I thought. and I know I'm not perfect and I was and am always willing to work on things so that's what makes it hard too. One thing I always say or try to say to her was you want marriage, a baby, a dog, but I always told her you want all those things but when do you just want me.
Because those things are beautiful and great to create with somebody but they shouldn't be the only thing you're with somebody for, because you want them and their attention to be with them and near them not just because of things you can get from them. I know my dad living with us wasn't easy sometimes either but I don't think it had a huge impact on all the things she always worried about if i was cheating or not going to be with her for ever and of course now I seem to be discarded.
I do beat myself up and think did I not do enough should I have married or sooner should I have had child did I not give her enough attention that I hang out with my friends too much or be on the phone too much with them or did I play video games once in a while too much I felt like I always cater to her needs laid by her as much as she needed me I just wanted a little time with my friends here and there I barely even left the house when it came to doing that kind of stuff most of my friends are far away because they moved but I would play on the computer but I would try to only do it when she goes to sleep I don't know she has me 2nd guessing for sure the stuff is really hard especially when you're attached to her children 7 year relationship Anyways thanks
This video was the smoking gun for me with family issues. I'm done doubting myself. I pray to God any of you that are fresh with this stuff, trust your instincts, and free yourself before they destroy your future.
Yes!
Psychopaths and sociopaths are ungodly, yet the most godly because they put themselves as god, and treat you however and it’s hard to be treated that way. If you don’t know there are people like them, and your boundaries are weak, you could be brainwashed into thinking you’re the abusive one because of your reactions to their stunning behaviors. Helps a lot to know the ideology of others. Some people aren’t very altruistic or cooperative. Some people pretend to be to con you and get you to serve them and fill a place in the dollhouse of their godship’s plaything.
you said this so well.
When you define brainwashing, it sounds like possession.
Correct.
… or attachment, if you understand what I mean.
@SurvivingNarcissism I would never have thought of brainwashing as possession. Terrifying.
As I reached adolescence, and I started to develop more independent curiosities about the world, my n-parent and codependent-other-parent upped the brainwashing and control to the next level. I see now, it was their desperate bid to keep me from discovering what was really going on in the family dynamic. When they perpetually told me 'not to ever tell anyone anything about ourselves to anyone outside the home' in that case it wasn't to protect me from potentially meeting a narcissist. it was to prevent me from revealing the abuse that went on behind closed doors.
My ex narc, fiance, said to me..."You don't even have a college degree and I was married for 25 years, you don't even know how to have a relationship"! I said, it doesn't take a college degree, to know I am being verbally and emotionally abused and being bullied by you! Needless to say...we are no longer together, he discarded me...Thank God! Because, honestly...I didn't have the strength!
God Bless you Dr. Carter
Thank you.
Hi. I was married to a narcissist for 7 years. I didn't know what a true narcissist was. All the characteristics Dr. C describes a narcissist with fit. It was after the fact (seperation and divorce) I realized what I was dealing with. It didn't matter how loving or kind, patient or gentle I was, she remained abusive. I acknowledge I tried to help her see her unhealthy ways, to no avail and to my bewildered frustration. Thank you Dr. C for providing this valuable information and educating us on narcissism. I am grateful
Those messages I understand now are actually confessions of how they see themselves. My wife was intoxicated one day out boating, and out of the clear blue side yelled “You are a physically ugly man with yellow teeth!” Inside and out she who is one of the most beautiful women on the planet, viewed herself as ugly. So sad they cannot be vulnerable.
Doctor this is great information. Thank you for the powerful points on holding your own with these toxic individuals, they certainly help put their dominating, bullying, manipulating, brainwashing tactics in the right perspective. Often there is non verbal abuse too, like ostracising, ignoring, sneering, ridiculing, looking down on you, and very often what they think is cutting you down to size through some nasty group dynamics.
You're welcome.
I am so relieved to understand that about brainwashing! I associate it with dictatorships and espionage drama, but you explain that it's much more common, and I saw that in my own family.
"They want you to doubt your beliefs, values and preferences, and to fill you with themselves."
Thank you Dr Carter. Your clarification is priceless.
Thanks Michele.
Thank you for sharing these videos ❤
I've been saving and relistening to these videos many times--they are so accurate and helpful.
I really get sick of being told who I am. It's like having your head held under water😟😫
I grew up with the “why can’t you just be normal.” Shoved in my face constantly. Along with the exact scenario of the book mentioned in video. I even had to burn/tear apart books that held “negative ideologies,” that didn’t align with the Christianity in the household.
These videos have been very helpful to me thank you. Hearing the language used has helped me find my triggers and where I need to focus on getting better. Cheers.
In interpersonal relationships, It is when a narcissist wants you to believe something about you or others in order to fit their scenario. It is a form of psychological manipulation.
" Believe in Yourself " 🦋
🦋
Whenever I tried to express a concern, he would say "Sounds like a you problem, not a me problem." Even when my issue was his cheating.
The narcs I am still dealing with are absolutely insane. I was peacefully living in China. They payed the campaign which was running nearby my house shouting : " you are sick, you are crazy, go home, go back to your home town", every day 24/7. It did not work out they later payed the police who fined me and then immigration told me to go away and TO MUST LEAVE China. Which I did. Even though basically they were supposed to help me with my original documents and citizenship. But they ignored my every word, instead of this they punished me on my Russian passport. Which my docs are still withheld. My narcs never stopped, they decided I would go back to their home town, but borders been locked. I just moved to a different country. They are so trackingly creative, they payed the campaign here which is shouting again: GO HOME.
They are crazy.
But I more surprised about how the officials react. Why they follow the narcs orders absolutely breaking the law and adding to my persecution which continues already for 10 years.
This thing I will never understand.
You've been through so much, Natalia. Some governmental systems are narcissistic...highly controlling, little regard to the common person's valid needs. I hope you can land in a place that will appreciate the special gifts you have. I'm pulling for you. Dr. C
You nailed it Dr. Carter. Every single thing applied to my narcissist ex-wife. Constant emasculation and humiliation. My ex-wife and I had 3 deacons their wives over for supper one evening. I attended the juvenile services three nights a week with those men and she actually made the comment: "All I wanted to do was study the bible" in front of the wives. Of course they told their husbands afterward and they were shocked she said that. I stopped going to that church after our divorce yet, she still attends that church today and still sings in the choir. I'm blown away.
Wow, you won’t ever reach your potential with a narcissist. I certainly affected my life for the worse.
Hello 👋
I wrote down all the negative things my husband said to me. There was nothing he liked about me. Until I fled!
Isn't it interesting how they want nothing to do with you and you're just a nuisance to them, but then when you don't respond or when you leave, they want everything to do with you because they lost control of you? They are sick and twisted psychopaths.
"Hey get over here and lemme abuse you "
Never respond to them in kind. They don't feel a thing and they will turn it around on you that you're the ugly person. They and their minions will never see their own actions as abusive or hurtful. And you just end up damaging your own soul in the process. It's not worth it and they are blind and deaf to their own actions. Since they all act the same (birds of a feather), you're the "f'd up" one because you dare to think and behave independently. I was made fun of for "agreeing to disagree", and I could be supportive of their endeavors, but mine were ridiculed and made fun of. And when I try to go quiet and ignore, they ramp up the harassment and try to put themselves physically in my face or make obnoxious amounts of noise outside of my home. But if I say that ain't right, I'm the bad guy.
I understand clearly gangstalked for 15 years and currently STAY STRONG...
@@vanessapehl7581 Exactly! Thanks, you too! 15 years is a long time, kudos to your perseverance.
@@vanessapehl7581 Mine was 50 years... .
@@vanessapehl7581 Does it matter that I have never had any affiliation with any type of gang, nor have an interest to be? Or does that not matter?
YES Dr. Carter. In addition, they feel likes it’s their duty to REPRIMAND you when you don’t do things the way they would like despite my being a grown adult. Excellent and thank you. This is one I will replay many times.🙏🏼🥰💕
All of these abuses all of the time. I did think it was all my fault. When I took back my power, the abuse got worse.
That is what I say, “let’s learn from each other.” Nobody should allow someone else to have the upper hand importantly if you are an ADULT who has a sound mind.
I watched something once where true manipulation is about you feeling like you're under attack either about your thoughts or ideals but you can't sense where the threat is coming from. So it confuses you because the person in front of you is seeming to be very nice but it's the confusion and feeling the threat in your gut something's off is how gaslighting starts the narrative starts - and the worst thing you can do is second guess yourself. I, never did. I used to smile and along to keep them happy and go back to what I was doing but because everyone was known for saying how good of a memory I've got for years so I'm not second guessing myself!
Hello 👋
Even though a serious subject matter Dr. Carter cracks me up several times throughout his presentation with his wit and wisdom. Thank you Dr. Carter!!!
PS: Love you!!! It's the best investment you'll ever make. Peace be with you. ❤
Thanks, Joyce!
Dr. C, you are right on the money yet again!
As much as you might try to predict what a narcissist will do and when he will do it, they have a way of turning on the abuse just when things SEEM to be going well, after they have had you walking on eggshells for a while, and when you start to relax and let down your guard a little, taking you by surprise. It's just as bad as being slapped in the face for no reason! Like being dunked into ice cold water and unable to catch your breath.
I have never been able to cope well with people who are "snappers" who take their junk out on me, nor should we have to. There is NEVER even an apology for "losing it", they are totally committed to the idea that YOU are the problem. They don't even necessarily want you to be THEM, they just want you to keep your mouth shut and to dominate and ruin you, I guess to make up for how insecure and bad they secretly feel about themselves. The love/hate thing is really painful. The little and rare acts of love keep you confused and "in the game", and is all about "intermittent reinforcement". You would NEVER stick around somebody who treats you with disdain ALL the time. They keep you like a dog, sitting with your mouth drooling, watching for when that rare treat is going to be dispensed your way.
Some people say, learn to think like they do so you won't be surprised. That's a horrible way to live, watching your back all the time waiting for the next "strike". I think I know how a rabbit feels when he sees a fox stroll by! It is NOT good for you! Get out however you can. The company or perks or whatever you get from living on the edge of a narcissist's crazy is too high a price to pay for losing your respect for yourself or your trust in the good people who can come your way if you are focused on your life and not obsessed with or confused by the narcissist.
I wonder if it isn't easier/better if they actually tell you they think you are stupid or ugly instead of just giving you dirty looks and acting irritated or disgusted while telling you "I have nothing to say." It's as if on top of being annoyed, they dish out the extra pain of making you GUESS what they are thinking or how your might save the conversation or moment from disaster, and you get the impression they think you are just too stupid, hopeless etc. -- without actually saying it -- to even deserve some kind of explanation......THEY DON"T HAVE AN EXPLANATION!
Some of them don't plan their abuse, they just base everything on their crazy emotions of the moment. Their motto is "I feel that way, therefore I am RIGHT to feel that way!" This is the logic of little children, not a rational adult willing to negotiate and understand. It's "my way or the highway" and "give me what I want when I want it or you are absolutely the worst X and I hate you!" They will project and accuse you of hating them when you protest the way they treat you.
They may actually be totally disinterested in you, never showing any interest in your thoughts or what you've been doing lately. Everything is all about THEM. When this really soaks in and you realize they are never any source of genuine comfort or satisfaction any longer, and tear down your confidence, you will ask yourself why you are trying so hard to turn things around? Did you grow up in a household where you were parentified or where you were assigned complete responsibility for how other people behaved or felt towards you?
When their behavior says "Screw you, I don't give a damn about what you need or think" and confrontation doesn't help, it's time to walk away, or make them discard you (actually they dumped you in their minds a LOOOOONG time ago and are justifying it after the fact). When they dump you, of course they will tell their flying monkeys that you are awful and crazy and they couldn't deal any longer with you, the fatally flawed.
Let them pull "the trigger" instead of playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. (WHO CARES???? Then they MIGHT, if they ever get into therapy, realize at some point that THEY have been unfair to YOU. At least you haven't given them the gift of protesting that they have been dumped, and your conscience is clear.
However, if they stubbornly persist in keeping you ensnared and won't give you a "push", then just leave on your own. No looking back. Get into therapy yourself if you feel uncertain or confused. Listen to Dr. C !!!!
Wow! Thanks for all this, Moxie.
Wow thank you for spelling it all out in black and white, this is my situation exactly and it did me good to see it in front of my eyes
Wow thank you for spelling it all out in black and white, this is my situation exactly and it did me good to see it in front of my eyes
I could copy and paste every single word … your words are like hitting the nail directly on the head …
I’m no contact almost 6 weeks. He went out area for work and we g
Have not breathed one word. Silent treatment!!! I call it being a coward along with each and every descriptive adjective you used in your message. Left me here to deal while he is actually working for a change. I have been buried in trying to remember who I was . In therapy ..
I need strength . I pray for strength .
I have also picked up some old hobbies I used to enjoy .. crocheting.. baking .. just keep my mind occupied.
Pray for me .. he is expected home within next week. We live separately.. but that does not stop the narcissistic control.
I’m learning from DR. CARTER … and team “healthy” it’s not going be easy .
I remember liking myself.. taking pride in my accomplishments.. ( raised my boy as single parent).
I believe if we all pray together .. team healthy will come out free and with peace!!!!
I used to feel like his dog. He wan ted me to lay & be quiet & there at home when he would come home* & get into bed when he did so he wouldn't be alone to SLEEP* Bless you I hope your happier now & things are going good for you*
IT'S ABUSE! Thank you!
Excellent take on narcissistic manipulation!
Radical acceptance. Nobody is taking over my mind, life, or heart. Doing better, getting better. Thank you!❤️🩹
So pleased for you, Patricia!
Thank you for these videos, yourself, Dr Ramani, Common Ego, and a few other channels have helped me escape my first narcissistic relationship on Saturday. It hurts putting so much energy her and her little one to get lied to, gaslit, breadcrumbed, infidelity (even after overwhelming evidence she still denies).... the list goes on. But the resources here helped me recognise the signs and patterns, and have helped me escape and get out while I did. A win for me, even if it stings like a bitch right now. Thanks again!
I can't stop watching your channel, Dr Les. I can't get enough of being validated, of having my abusive childhood being validated. I am freer and lighter in a way that I couldn't have imagined possible. At 35 I finally have a strong sense of what's been wrong with me, why I have felt the way I felt my whole life, and why I've had so many struggles being an adult. The biggest takeaway so far is that none of my dad's behaviour was about us. We were raised by a deeply troubled person who had zero business being a parent or being responsible for a human life in any shape or form. Hell, I don't think he would've been capable keeping a dog! He was a liar, a brainwashing coward, an unhealthy individual who projected all his crap on to us. Knowing that everything he told us and made us believe about ourselves were LIES is setting me free. Thank you Dr Les C
You’re why I do these videos! So pleased to be on the path with you!
We should consider the source, we can not let evil abusive people destroy our lives. It is vital to respect ourselves and live our lives in freedom and in God’s given dignity and free will which no narcisist or other abuser is allowed to question, undermine or take away from us. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you.
At the central core of the narcissist is a sense of inadequacy about themselves. I wonder if Dr C. could or if you did address this specifically in a video. Thank you, this was nice.
Just about every negative comment you made I heard a thousand times. You have to wonder about man.
I have learned so much from you. Gus is so cool
I sometimes go back to when I was a little child and still unspoiled. Natural, happy and totally myself. I like her a lot. I'm proud of me at 6 yrs old. And I can learn a lot from the good feelings I had at the time. For me childhood is an important piece in the puzzle of all this. The puzzle about myself!
I have no memories at all from my early child hood but I know I was scared of my dad.
I hang on to her too. The original joy and the core of who I am!
Annie I feel the same way about my younger self… the true me that I’m striving to find again!
Recently I found a journal that I wrote at 8 years old… how I hated my parents for the lack of consistency and trust.
Little did I know then they were narcissists who would tear me away from my true self for years….
I remember too much !!! But, age 4 was my fave age. I could read, write, & spell my full name. I knew my phone # & address. I knew I wasn't a baby any more. ( was the eldest of 3 at the time). I knew I had to go to school when summer was over, & I dreaded that ! Then I had the Meanest, old lady kindergarten teacher !!! My dad who raised me was/is a narc. By age 6, I didn't trust men or boys! Age 6! By age 15, I literally lived in 15 houses & went to 15 schools. Got married young, to another narc. But narc guys were all I knew of. I just figured they were all not trustworthy. .... Anyway !! Age 4 was the Best year.
People wld ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I decided at age 3, I WAS an Artist Already !!!
I used to think, "Why do I have to wait til I grow up ??!!! I'm an artist Now," !!! Free spirited, & Confident at age 4!! I'd remember that age, during difficult times. Not my age so much. But how I thought about myself then...
@@nani.9754 I understand. I relly do. When small (6) its only glimts, but it's important to catch them and make them mine. My true memories. Even the bads. Not the one I've been told.
You seriously are the best at describing the truth. I tend to lose my words so thank you for giving them back to me.
Thank you so much for this video, this is exactly what I needed to hear.
My parents are both malignant narcissists. Extremely heartless people, in my opinion. But I've been really thankful that my siblings are not narcissists at all. I got very lucky in that sense.
But the downside is that they are younger and still a bit brainwashed.
For my birthday last weekend, I stood firm on my boundaries despite the lovebombing from my parents. But my youngest sibling has been trying to get me to see "both sides" and trying to tell me how much my parents secretly love me (lol).
It hurts a lot more when someone you love, who is close to you, helps to gaslight you because they themselves are brainwashed. It made me doubt myself in a way I normally don't any longer. I've been really sad for the past few days over it. It's amazing how they can ruin any birthday or holiday, no matter how you fortify yourself.
But facts are facts. I know full well who my parents are and what their evil intentions for me are. I won't be folding even if they use my sibling as a tool against me.
Fill your own cup first! Sadly, too many people subjected to Narcissistic parents, or people whom they have to be around, run at first chance thinking they can get away. Sometimes this works as long as they're not running to another Narcissistic person who has tricked you into believing they can fix everything!
Everyone needs to be reliant on themselves only. Finding how to make yourself happy, before stepping into another's life. Once you know who you are, it's more difficult for a Narcissist to look at you as their next victim.
My vessel, my very soul is under my control. No one can take that away. "Insecurity, Abuse, & Cowardice" are only a few descriptions of a Narcissist! Coward is the word I focus on, next to cruelty. I never allowed this behavior when I saw it happen to people who were close to me. But, I got snatched up by more than one Narcissist. The levels of narcissism would take a lifelong study. I can only Thank the Angel on my shoulder & remind myself that, "I dodged a bullet"!
I cannot Thank You enough for your help. Along with Gus! 🤗 True unconditional love! Animals have always been in my life & I'm so lucky! Blessings to you all💯💖
I had it all under control like that, too, until they took my son. every time i achieve some sort of happiness someone takes it. this last time they took my son and my job and my car. and my money. what little I had. and I bounce from place to place again because I never know what kind of landlord I'm gonna get. my family stole my inheritances so I am forced to live like this.
as someone who experenced alot of narcissitic abuse both in the family and outside of it you have nailed it
@@opticalman6417
So sorry you have had to live through this. And, yet, here you are! You should be proud of your journey!💯🙏
I was brainwashed too as a child. But I am going back as far I can remember. and I bring this basked and collect every golden moment, every golden day from my life that I remember. I remember how I was gaslighted as an innocent child and told by narcissistic people, how dark and hopeless everything was. But when I look back today, from a brigther view, now when I know! I can see they have lied and how they have told me the wrong story. I can see another child, another Me! The person I really was. I want to collect the correct memories and write them down. The true story about my life. The narcissists stole me and took my childhoold away from me. But seeing everything in another light from Now, from Today! I have understood that I have a different story about myself. And that is so important for me to go back and correct it. Then I can take back what is mine, what is Me! Bring back the truth. And I am going to write it down. For myself.
I so like what you are saying here, Annie.
@@SurvivingNarcissism That feels good. Thank you so much Dr Carter!! 🧡
Wow, that title. It’s so interesting to me how some of the simplest things can be triggering. Gaslighting is the ultimate form of brainwashing. I feel so many emotions when i think about having been so brainwashed- and not just emotions toward the narcissist but also toward myself. At this point, i will not waste my time and i will not waste my emotions (if i can help it) on the narcissist. I have felt all the feel’s on their part, got it out of my system, learned what i needed to learn to know what i needed to know about them. But as for myself… i have to live with ME for the rest of my life (haha) so i want to never stop learning. And the emotions i feel toward myself… the ones that are triggered by the realization of the fact that i had been brainwashed… whew! it’s hard not to be hard on myself for being so dooped. On the flipped side of that coin, it’s also invigorating to come through it and appreciate the applause i can now give myself. Triggers tempt me to feel stupid for what happened to me. Triggers tempt me to not applaud. Encouragement like your, DrC, keep me clapping!
Hi Kelly. Preview: They want to empty you of yourself and fill you with themselves.
@@Chris-dw7gq same. Never letting it happen again!
Im sorry about how the horror, cant hurt people, please let peace come in team healthy folks
Your resilience against the triggers is an inspiration. You have much to clap for👏👏👏!
Stamping, ouch. Damn. So, I would say, when I was a kid my primary source of reality was:
Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Star Trek, Leave it to Beaver(huh?).
And everybody's parents were easier to deal with than my own. Hmmm, maybe that's because I wasnt their problem. Honestly that's not the vibe I ever got from any of them, and their kids were my friends! It was great, until I had to go home again. *sigh*
Dr. C., your recent videos have really resonated with me lately, and I thank you for that. I'm developing a deeper awareness of how I ended up with my ex-husband/narcissist. Having been raised to be a "1950's housewife" by my 1950's parents, I believed I wanted that existence. However, as I matured and became professionally educated, my world view and concept of marriage expanded. But, by then, I had married my narcissist. In retrospect, I find that I had grown over time while he had not. Life began to transition when he found that he couldn't brainwash me any longer. How interesting & informative your videos are! Thank you!
It's a good news bad news thing when you continue to grow while others stay fixated in dysfunction.
This is one of your best videos. I have watched quite a few and have many favorites, but I think this one hits the nail on the head the most. The betrayal is the worst. Itay is easy to blame yourself till you see what is going on. I was played for such a fool because I felt sympathy for these losers.
Pleased!
This is a very insightful video.
The opinions of others doesn't define me.
The knowledge of one's own self can not deter whatever opinions of others, especially narcs will define me.
Thank you for this wisdom.
I thank God for you Dr Carter. Please know that the work you're doing is a powerful blessing in many, many lives including mine. God bless you & your's greatly. 🙏
Thanks so much.
Hello 👋
51 years of marriage to a narc 😩😩😩thank God I’m a stronge person. You have given me unbelievable skill to manage this person .I smile to myself at his stupidity. It’s extremely satisfying to feel superior to his childish behaviour. This has taken many years to get to this stage but it’s still so very sad and he has no idea of how unpleasant his company /
is .
Once you see it, you can't unsee it!
Thank You, kindly, Dr Carter! 🙏🏻
I was prepared as a Child, w/ Gaslighting: “I never said that whatsoever!” YES, he DID! Reversing a Rule, he had Set the Day Before! He Once told me, “Call the Police!” Me, “Why?” His answer, “I want you out of here!” Me, “Let me get this straight… You want ME to call the Police, to KICK ME OUT?” Really?” I may be nuts… But, I’m not CRAZY!” So, All Attempts of Gaslighting - Were like a Flashing-Red-Light, w/Siren when I married a Narcissist! My main downfall - He flipped from Love Bombing, to Monster so Quickly, I sincerely thought he had Alzheimer’s. So that kept me pouring in the NICE! I thought, ‘Poor Guy… I must be a Faithfully Good Wifey - He’s losing his brains!’ Until, he got frustrated w/me & turned Abusive!💛🕊🍃
I needed this message. Just got let go from a job that was important to me. This video describes my supervisor to a T. That’s not to say I was perfect either. I made mistakes, but not of the firing variety.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr C....you are a breath of fresh air, and I just love your humour. You've helped me identify exactly what another close relation is doing, arrogant, constant criticism, always primed for a fight.....all so unnecessary !! Another great healing video ⚘
Hello 👋
"A Cult of One", the latest book from Richard Grannon, explains this quite well.
My narcissistic "father" brainwashed me into gravitating toward the most guilt inspiring option being the truth. I'm trying to decondition.
"Why is it so hard to learn about each other"
They don't always tell you what to think but their actions sometimes speak louder than words. It's as though you are not even there and you are totally ignored in your thoughts, what you feel or say. And they will call you names that are saying you are nothing. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for a much needed video.
By the time you find this video it's probably too late. For me at least. The damage was already done.
I appreciate this content very much, it's validating and comforting
Most gracious Dr. C. giving our upper most mind highest highlights of their crazy talk & their weird sense of self proclaimed narcissistic trait trash .... #teamhealthy ✌️☮️
I love your channel. I feel sane again! Thank you thank you thank you‼️‼️🙏🏼💕🫶🏻
Thanks, Molly!
Hello 👋
I have been told that people don't like the way I behave.
Especially at the market it often takes 3 or 4 of us to figure something out! I love it. On this topic here, I remember as a child being told to stop whining and I see now I learned it's not ok to need. And as an adult I find people do not like needy people...and there is lots I need just now. It was not safe in my family. I'm human. I have needs. Working on noticing how well I get my needs met. Many thanks.
are you supplying your needs or are you expecting others to meet them? I was never allowed to need anything either. after the judge allowed me to be emancipated at 17; and after my roomy's father in law tried to rape me a couple of times where I was living trying to do my senior year in high school, I bounced from couch to couch and never had a life. by the time I tried college I was almost 30. Now I'm so far in debt its unreal and cant get a job - or own anything - because of college. everything I Have tried to do to just break even - not even get ahead - has gone up in flames. my whole life has been a dumpster fire because I was never allowed to have my needs met as a child. I understand where you are coming from very well.
@@skinnyway ...same here. I also think they were so jealous of us that if we ever showed that we were good at something or had a talent for something they made sure to tear it down and degrade us into believing we would never amount to anything, that we were useless, so we felt useless and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I never believed in myself or my own capabilities because I was never encouraged or lifted up or told I can do things and be successful. They pushed us down to makes us feel small so they would feel bigger. They are as toxic as they come. They never watered us, and when you get no water it's hard to grow, blossom or thrive.
Go to the police and report the sex attacks and get the financial compensation that you are Owed.
Hello Dr. Carter,
I just now signed up at Better Help. I am praying that this therapy experience will be positive. My previous experiences were not, but I had no idea what I needed. Thanks to your work and that of Dr. Ramani I do know what I need and how to talk about it!!
THANK YOU!!
I hope it works out well for you, Linda!
Oh, Dr.. Les, you are spot on! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. You are really helping me to stay on the healthy path and not regress and blame myself. My ex-narcisist would tell me that he knew me better than I knew myself. I would tell him that he was not listening to me and he would always come back, with a counter---that he heard every word and knows me so well.
No, he only fiigured out what made me tick and what things would make me happy and feel secure and use that against me and then wiith hold things to punish me or get me back in line. Then he would be so upset if I suceeded and was in the spot light and would then use information he had gathered from me earlier, to try to devastate me and tear me apart. I finally caught him at that game, but only after I had ended it with him.
Thanks and God bless you. You are a blessing to me and so many others
I get told, "your way is the wrong way" "you always go against the grain Laura" "you are just a mean person" "you are just hard to be around" and so on..
That's the brainwashing.
I've been told this since I was young
I'm glad you get it Dr C, because some of the things you bring into the light really help me and many others. Thanks and Shalom
Thank you Masterdave. Shalom
as allways again, such a great show. Learning so much about life, to bad it took so long in life to find this..
It’s never to late to breathe, laugh and love without measure. I went through the 5 stages of grief after I woke up to this reality I lived for 30 years. 💐 Life is wonderful without them dictating, insulting and criticizing EVERYTHING that makes you YOU!! 😃🥰
Right before the 7:24 mark, my first husband used to say to me " You are a warehouse if useless information". I left him about 40 years ago, I laugh about now, but he was a very abusive husband.
Many of a narcissist's accusations are actually a confession. (projection)
I've been divorced 17 years. I had said to him "there was no need for that nasty remark" and after filling for divorce he called me "a nasty piece of work" 😳
@@SurvivingNarcissism Would you PLEASE make a video about that projection ,but more in general human behaviour.My (late) father projected many his failures on to me(i'm oldest child).Though i loved him very much,it was in a way serious wall between us.
Why do people project their own(usually bad!) characteristics towards others?Doesnt makes sense.
Dear Dr Carter, when ever I found some time to watch your videos during my very busy life schedule, I always think, that they are the best, as you always explain things clearly, and always make very good points. Your videos have helped me a lot, and I did forwarded them to others. Thank you for being who you are, as you are an amazing person.
I thank you Dr. C for speaking about narcissism in a clear, concise way that brings clarity and light to this disorder. It's the constant, persistent abuse that wears on you and ultimately brainwashes you without your awareness.
Dr C 👉🏼 You Da Best and Gus You Rock Lil Fella 👍🐾 Oh and Thank You For All Your Work and Education Kind Sir ❤ Big Love Going Out To You Bloke ✊
I experienced an unbeleivable amount of this authoritarian garbage. It was clear that anything I was, did or said was completely wrong. One time a home improvement project I had done was praised until it was learned that I had been respinsible for it...then crickets.