The trans stereotype that drives me nuts is the assumption that I'm going to be super agressive or sensitive. That I can't take a well meaning joke, that I'll fly into a rage at any accidental misgendering, or be super offended by an honest question. I've actually been told that I'm, "One of the cool ones." And more times than not it turns out that I'm the _only_ trans person they know and this idea that all trans people are raging snowflakes is merely in their heads. Btw, this is propaganda. The right loves videos where they poke and bait trans people incessantly with misgendering and truly offensive behaviour. Then when the trans person breaks and finally reacts the right points and say, "See! Look at how unreasonable and reactionary they are. You can't say anything without them flying off the handle."
Still waiting whos gonna be the triggered Trans Women and becomes the third Rider of the Apocalypse after the Redhead and the one thats screaming to the sky.
It's because the internet has seen some unhinged trans people - and I don't think they're representative of the whole group, as the internet simply likes focusing on the extremes, but it's also hard to deny that there's a lot of trans people who go mental on anyone who disagrees with them. And I get that it must be awful to always be assumed to be such person. But if I was to be honest, my fear of telling my conservative parents a more liberal opinion is far less than the fear of stating a more conservative opinion in basically any leftist group. It's because the latter usually ended up more stressful for me, and that's for a reason I think.
GOD SAME once in history class we were doing a group project and someone called me "she" and i calmly said "oh, by the way I'm a guy" and he went all "oh my god im so sorry!! im not transphobic i swear!! please forgive me! i didn't mean to i swear!! oh god!" while i just said "it's fine im not mad" over and over. he was weirdly nice for the following months after that despite basically not knowing i existed before that dude thought i was never ever gonna forgive him over a single word
I'm not trans but I am a queer girl. I get really irritated/uncomfortable when straight people automatically assume that a queer person has feelings for them. This happened with a girl in my art class who found out I was into girls. For the rest of the time I was in that class she would always ask me questions about if I was attracted to her, gave me random compliments about my appearance in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation, and would gush about her boyfriend and how she could never understand being attracted to someone of the same gender.
@@thebestwillow Yeah, that possibility crossed my mind but I was too uncomfortable to probe the issue or urge her to practice any sort of introspection.
@@thebestwillow I imagine it would be very difficult to change someone's whole world view as a member of a marginalized group while also making coil pots
I stopped coming out and just act like it's normal that I'm gay. Because it is. So I don't say "OH, I'm gay." It's more like when we talk about relationships It's natural for me to say "I'd like to have a girlfriend that had xyz values." etc. and then people get it quite fast. 😅
I'm the same way! I figure, straight people don't have to come out formally so why should I? If I turn up with a girlfriend, refer to myself with different pronouns, or you just happen to walk into my room and see the ace flag on the door, I imagine it'll become evident.🤷♂️😅
This is how I "come out" as bisexual to people. So far no one has ever commented on it. No congratulations, no homophobia/biphobia, just everyone having a conversation about their partners or romantic preferences. I think I prefer it that way.
I've always found the "being lgbt" is trendy/a fad thing really frustrating just because of how dismissive of the struggle both I and lot of people I know have gone through when it came to accepting who we are. Transitioning for me was never about being cool or different, I did it so I could feel comfortable in my own skin and being told I'm just following a trend is incredibly insulting and displays a total lack of understanding or empathy for lgbt people.
It's never been that. It's just the excuse the prejudiced give for invalidating someone else's experience. If someone can believe it's just some kind of fad that's happening because people think it's cool, it means that they have an excuse for believing that the other person's experience that makes them uncomfortable is not real or valid.
@@paulhammond6978yeah, I get the feeling that it's really just a rhetoric the transphobes like to push because it doesn't suit them to acknowledge that it's actually difficult to transition, and that is certainly not something people do on a whim. Their whole argument is based on the concept of people "transing" our kids like it's a bag of lollies. 🙄
I think some of it is "kids these days" reactionism for sure! But a lot also seems to be just pure lack of education about the presence of queer & nonconforming people throughout history? It's worth keeping in mind that saying about not attributing to malice what can be explained by sheer ignorance! 🙈 Written histories & history classes have been total CRAP at reflecting any of this reality until very very recently, and legal & social suppression of minorities in the past has also heavily warped what historical records get reproduced or referenced (and how). I'm less sure whether it should be our job to try & educate people...? 🤔 I guess it depends on how safely you can do so & how many spoons you feel you have on the day? At least there are some truly awesome YT resources one can point genuinely interested people to, saving us a lot of work & really doing the research! Jimmy at The Welsh Viking, Kaz Rowe, Jessica Kelgren-Fozard, Alexander Avila, J. Draper, ContraPoints and so many others.
as a pansexual, the stereotype that bi/pan/poly people are more likely to cheat (read: absolutely will cheat) drives me up the damn wall. sexual orientation has no bearing on how faithful someone will be (or not be) in a relationship.
@@rjframe4410 I was gonna say, there's also a lot of cheaters that do it because they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to live a hookup lifestyle, and make it their significant others problem instead of asking to make the the relationship open, or breaking up and saving them from more pain later.
@@dubiousinformation1756 yeah but thats just the old adage to never ascribe malice to what can be explained by stupidity if you think you can pull that off without an open relationship your just asking for a beatin. Also lets be real open relationships benefit women way more than men. In the same way dating apps do
As someone who’s aroace, the stereotype of being mono emotional and loveless and generally unhappy just annoys me. The concept that one has to experience sexual or romantic attraction to experience love and empathy is just ridiculous, and unfortunately still very prevalent (hence why I don’t mention it to many people). I’m a hyper empathetic person, and I love my family and friends and I tell them that regularly. Only thing remotely robotic about me is the roboticism a lot of us experience as being a cog in a capitalistic machine, but overall I am not any less of a person because I’m not romantically or sexually involved with someone. By that extension, I’m not any less of a person because I probably will never be a wife or a mother. And I’m happy just as I am, especially when people aren’t denying my existence or questioning my happiness ~
Yeah, the general majority just assume us aspec people are just depressed because we “haven’t found the right one yet” when we don’t define ourselves on our sexual/ romantic preferences
I'm curious to know what your economic beliefs are after the capitalist metaphor. What would you have instead of capitalism as an economic system? Socialism I'm assuming, but what kind of socialism?
The stereotypes that really annoy me are the ones that erase spectrums. Bisexuality exists and is a whole umbrella. There are many ways to be transgender. Intersex people exist. Asexual, aromantic, and demisexual people exist. And so on. As long as the stereotype isn't based on ignoring groups, I'm usually able to shrug it off.
Yeah, it's so weird how this deep human need to CATEGORISE CATEGORISE CATEGORISE & separate things out into boxes creeps in, even in LGBTQ+ spaces, where you'd think we'd be a wee bit more flexible-minded! 😅 What I'd love to see is a future where everybody is accepting of the idea that most human characteristics exist as a spectrum? (Or, sliding scale, or set of Venn diagrams, whatever visual makes sense to you...) Whether that be gender, sexuality, neurotypicality, race, handedness, spirituality, or whatever?
@@Im-BAD-at-satire Yeah, had intended to cover that in mentioning intersex people, but I might overestimate how varied most people consider that identity to be because I'm part of some very intersex-supportive groups.
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Sliding scale for handedness? Are you referring to cross-dominant people by chance? (prays that they are as no one ever talks about this)
As the one (openly) LGBTQ+ person in my friend group, I can confirm that it feels people treat you slightly differently. It sometimes feels as though they are too aware that I’m queer, and end up making me feel alien in attempts to make me feel excepted. It doesn’t help that I’m currently living in a more conservative area.
I've been out as bi since I was teen, but when I came out to my friend group as trans non binary things definitely changed beyond just my name and pronouns, and the fact that the group is now one person smaller
Maybe partly because it's socially dangerous NOT to treat you with proverbial kid gloves. There's a lot of weight behind the implied threat of being labelled as some kind of -ist. We're often "as wary of you as you are of us"... simply in very different ways for very different reasons. That slight over-correction tends to be based more in overthinking how to relate/interact in acceptable and constructive ways rather than repressed bigotry or masked disapproval. You'll often see similar discomfort when a guest from a totally alien culture is brought into a home or homogenous group; people get to be TOO careful, to the point that it comes across as forced.
@@MrMortull I think you may be unaware of just how tolerant of casual small disrespect acts LGBTQ+ people are, but in so tolerating those when we reach a breaking point it seems like it comes from nowhere If you teach a dog not to growl, you don't have a warning before they bite
@@echohanna I'm not blaming anyone, it's just how it is... and it's not "angry queers" we're anxious of, necessarily, so much as judgment. A lot of time, effort and energy has been put in from both sides to try to make our society as fair and reasonable as we can, straight folks who "take a backward step", deliberately or otherwise, can find themselves in a very awkward position. Not justifying or arguing for anything here, just sharing my perspective warts-and-all.
I'm a trans man, and I would be upset if someone thought of me as a woman. I think if he recognizes that his friend is a man, then there's nothing wrong with how he feels. Sexuality is fluid and there's always exceptions. The important point is that he doesn't view friend as a woman.
I 100% agree with you. But it gets a little complicated if they do end up in a relationship and the guy does want a bottom surgery in the future. A friend of mine has been in a similar situation and his bf told him he wouldn't feel attracted to him anymore if he got a penis. Me an asexual person would claim sex isn't everything in a relationship but for some people it can be an important thing.
For the "can I just say "got it" and move on" question, match their energy. If they seem nervous, make sure they know you support them. If they're like me and just mention it offhandedly, then don't bring much attention to it because to them, coming out to you isn't a big deal.
Mhm this. Exactly. I didn’t know how to put it myself but when I told my mother I’m Pan I was absolutely freaking out. It was 10 at night and I finally said it because I felt absolutely suffocated keeping it secret but I was terrified because she’s said some questionable things in the past (super proud to say she’s come very far since I came out a couple years ago) and her response was just “oh, ok.” and I choked on my cereal like, 3 times and it took me 10 minutes to eat it because I lost my appetite. I had no clue how she _actually_ felt and on top of my nerves it was making me feel worse. In comparison when I told her I’m nb it’s because my ex had called me their boyfriend and it made me so happy I had to share it with her. I just said “I gotta tell you this so you better get cool with some stuff quickly. called me their boyfriend earlier and I’m still buzzing about it.” clarified to her that I don’t care what pronouns people use for me and then we both went back to our work. I’d already changed my name months prior and had hated my deadname for years. I don’t think she was actually surprised. But because I already knew she’d accept me, a casual coming out and response was perfectly fitting because it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Damn this is long, my apologies.
Yeah, it can be really awkward to just have mentioned it, often because they guessed your gender wrong, and they gush about how brave you are to have told them. Like if I say "Actually I'm non-binary" and continue on with the conversation without missing a beat it's clearly not a big deal to me. Like it's not surefire, cause I did have someone get mad at me for replying to "I'm asexual" with "Cool, me too" because apparently I interrupted their telling me the definition. 🤦
When a friend of mine came out to me I totally did NOT match her energy. She rambled on about wanting to tell me something very difficult and that she was afraid our friendship might change and so on. I had no idea where this was going but because of this nervous energy from her I imagined something really bad like, idk, her having cancer or something. And then she said she was gay. I was so relieved that is wasn't something bad that I just said "So what?" After a second of shock she started laughing fullheartedly and asked "Really? That's your reaction?" We talked about it in more detail and she was so relieved and happy that I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just acted like I always did with her, told her that she was still the same person and that I will OF COURSE still be her friend and support her. Telling her friends was a really big deal to her, because she didn't know how we would react. I understand that. But to me it really didn't (and still doesn't) matter. I befriended her because of her character, not because of her sexuality! Our other friends reacted in a similar way (just shows one aspect of why we all get along so well) :)
When I told my boss, who is a gay woman, that I intended to transition, she took that information so well. She reacted in such a wonderful, calm, and supportive way. No fuss made. Just supportive. Then, she explained her oldest friend is a trans man. I love my job. 😊
To the person feeling a little hurt by being the last to know (or anyone like them) I am openly bisexual and my husband and I have made it clear to our kids that sexuality isn't an issue. It still took my son about 9 months to tell me because he was slightly embaressed by HOW he came to realize he was omnisexual. It wasn't bad, jst something he wanted to be able to articulate better than just 'I saw this video and..." He wasn't ashamed, he told me he knew it would be fine, but it was about HIM being comfortable. and I 100% agree. Take a breath and just show your support. You never know the details of why they waited, but in the end that won't matter as long as you show up for them from here on out
@@cristiangaban960 I dont know what to say to you other than dont look for reasons to be mad where there are none. If someone wants to identify as pan or bi or omni, it doesnt matter, you know what it means
On the last to know thing, I have a somewhat different interpretation. When I was in my 20's a coworker came out to me and another coworker as lesbian. The next day I came to work to find that our boss had found out and outed the lesbian coworker to everyone on the crew and to some customers. So to me the aunt being the last to know, and the dad telling the aunt, is the dad outing his daughter like an idiot.
_cis_ is a Latin prefix and has been around for more than two thousand years. The Romans talked about two 'Gauls' - Gallia Cisalpina (this side of the Alps, what is now northern Italy) and Gallia Transalpina (the other side of the Alps). The Romans got the words from good old Indo-European. _Cis_ comes from *kis, meaning "this (here)", and _trans_ comes from *trhents, meaning "through, throughout, over". And that's as far back as we can trace it.
Yeah, I don't get why some people are upset about it. When I first read "cisgender" I was delighted, because it immediately made sense to me and I like that in a new word. Particularly pleased that both "cis" and "gender" are from latin, I'm not a big fan of mixing origins (like "television"). Definitely more sensible than words like "straight" or "homophobic", I give it a 10/10.
About liking lgbt people more than straight people, I can say this. Back a while ago I still thought I was straight and I was mostly palling around with a group of gay guys. And truth be told, I liked them more. I was more comfortable with them. They never gave me the feeling that I didn't belong with them, either. They teased me for being straight, but in a good natured way that actually made me feel like I belonged. They never made me feel that I was somehow a lesser person because I was identifying as straight. I've continued to feel this, I feel at home in the LGBT community. I'm bi now, so maybe it makes more sense, but I'm just more comfortable in that world. It's not just that I'm bi, it's that I feel more free to be myself, in all ways. I feel like I'm suffocating in ordinary society, but when I'm in LGBT spaces I feel like I can breathe again.
Well, I as a cishet have always hated heteronormativity and always felt good and at home in queer-friendly spaces, like you said. That "accepting atmosphere" is their whole point. But I would never even think of judging a person by the fact if they are cishet or queer. I know many cishets who feel the same way and also prefer queer-friendly spaces, while there are for example gay people who are transphobes. Not to be mean, but I get the feeling that you're a little prejudiced.
@@Nick-bo1gl are you serious? I'm SO TIRED of hearing this. Your sexuality can't change, if it could we would all be 'converted' by all of the straight movies, TV shows, etc that COMPLETELY outshadow queer media everywhere. And the only thing in the SLIGHTEST that could've been them 'converting' OP is very LIGHTLY teasing them for being straight in a queer inviornment. Look it up before you comment, please. ☺😚
I get bothered by the trans stereotype that if you weren't feeling or expressing dysphoria by a certain age that that means you're faking or falling for a trend. I'm not able to get people to believe me often times without telling them how early I started saying that I wanted to change my body (6 for me) and I hate that my experiences now and from the more recent years can't just be seen as valid on their own. Not all trans people start feeling dysphoric at the same age and I wish that was talked about and accepted more.
Many trans masc people only feel strong dysphoria once they start puberty because that’s when the external sex characteristics develop. But people use that to invalidate them as most people only know about trans women who “have always known”
Agreed! 👏 There's so much intrinsic social programming that goes on around sex, gender & attraction, it totally makes sense to me that some people only start to figure things out much later in life?! People vary so much in experience, biology & psychology, too. Of course their experiences are going to vary as well! Sad that this is used by some to try & invalidate your and other people's experiences...? 😢
To add onto this: It's still prevalent in pop psychology to say that childhood experiences shape adult sexuality. Sure, this is true to a degree, but it means there are hundreds of thousands of people who can't be sure about their own identity bc psychology suggests it's the result of trauma. Does it matter why a person is queer or trans or whatever? Does a trauma-induced queerness mean anything separate from "regular" queerness? And what's up w psychology pinning shame on us for being ourselves? I thought that age was over.
And the people who think if you aren't out by five you can't be trans even if you've been dysphoric as long as you can remember. Like yeah, I can't imagine why my ultra sheltered conservative Catholic upbringing didn't give me the words to express myself. Like I hated my body, described puberty as hell, wished I could get rid of puberty, and wanted a breast reduction at the ripe old age of 11 when I barely had a chest. But because I didn't learn the words till later I apparently can't be trans. 🙄
i'm a trans man, and i felt social dysphoria from a very young age, but i only felt body dysphoria after i started puberty and i've felt that "you didn't feel like you were 'in the wrong body' young enough" bit, a lot often external, sometimes in a self-invalidating internal way
I’m autistic, aroace and non binary. One of my friends came out to me as ‘I think I might be bi’. Apparently, my response was the funniest, because I just shrugged and started talking about the mandalorian. Like, okay, cool, but I like Star Wars. Sometimes the most accepting you can be as just not really seeing anything change.
I’m autistic too. 37 and I still have no idea what label put on me. I went to therapy for trans issues between 20 and 24 but they decided I wasn’t trans and I got my Asperger’s diagnosis instead and depression diagnosis. The thoughts have never gone away though about 15 years later. I’m married to a cis woman but while I’m mostly attracted to women I can be attracted to men too but it’s rare. Mostly I’m attracted to a female body with curves but male genitalia. My wife is ok with it and things it’s super hot even if I’ve never been with anyone but her she likes to pretend using sex toys. I find femboys, cross dressers, lady boys, she males etc very attractive but I’ve never been with anyone but my wife so I can’t say for sure how I would react. My wife is ok with me not being super into the female genitalia. She says it’s not everyone who likes the look of it and not all straight women like the look of penis either. I’ve mostly just accepted that I’m male these days but the thoughts never go away and I always play female in games. I like playing games where you get to dress up and be pretty but IRL I don’t care about clothes at all and can wear a 10 year old t shirt that my wife wants me to throw away because it’s almost falling apart. I don’t hate myself like most trans people seem to do when they get dysphoria but I don’t really like myself either. But I could never look as good as a woman as I would like to anyway IRL so I stick to creating characters in video games. Sorry for the rant but since you also have autism maybe you have some insight? I haven’t really talked much about this since my therapist “fired me” by declaring me cured over a decade ago.
@@wertywerrtyson5529 beinng trans isn’t about hating yourself. You can be happy in a body and still be trans. Don’t let the thought of being unattractive stop you from being the happiest. Instead of thinking about other people and being attractive if you transition and stuff- just stop. In the apocalypse, if you were living alone, with no judgement, with no societal pressures, what would your body look like.
I'm autistic too and I love star wars! Someone I know (who used to gaslight and guilt trip me a lot) came out as a lesbian and expected a lot from me after she treated me like shit lol Obviously I accepted her, but I didn't really react and she said I was being extremely homophobic even though I'm ace pansexual ftm 💀 My best friend also came out to their mum as omnisexual and she supported didn't really react! When I come out I don't want my family to make a big fuss over it, I just want people to know :)
The stereotypes that annoy me the most are bi people being seen as greedy and trans people blowing up at someone when we get misgendered. Also the "we can always tell".
OMG yes, that weird erroneous belief that trans people are somehow like pod people & instantly recognizable! (As if one should need to do so anyway 🙄) It's so completely dismissive of the diversity of cis women, not to mention super-binary & transphobic. And it's leading to some damn weird incidents where people are getting harassed for just not meeting somebody else's idea of the gender binary... 🤬
Yeah, the "we can always tell" crowd CANNOT TELL!! Every person who's told me this has told me they have "proof" because I am obviously a man pretending to be a woman. I'm AFAB. 🤦 And wasn't binding any of the times (and I have an unfortunately large chest).
@@waffles3629 I've had that too. Here's the responses I've had: "YWNBAW" "Fake man" "Are you a boy or girl?" And more. I'm also AFAB (intersex too) and they can't tell. I've even had people on Twitter be like, "You are a creepy middle aged man with an underwear fetish". Weird. And also a transphobe called me weird because I have wholesome anime pics on my account and they said weird things. One of them was called "Chicken Queen" and the other was "Keith" with lots of numbers. Keith said he'd "contact the FBI for suspected child exploitation" among other things.
Fr! About "we can always tell": Recently met an artist I really like, never even questioned that he was a guy till he mentioned his upcoming top surgery in his blog X) Never understood why care so much about someone's gender and pronouns, just be nice omg👺
SAME omg, Im non-binary and I really want to dye my hair different colours like blue, but people associating it with that stereotype is the only thing that makes me hesitate about dying it :(
I don't dye my hair because it's so much effort to me... But I appreciate the effort and aesthetics of people who do dye or style it! Tbh I'm blander than stale bread but that won't magically change my sexuality to "straight".
For the "cisgender" question, I love to use an analogy with the Deaf community. In the US, uppercase-d Deaf means you're a part of the Deaf community, while lowercase-d deaf just means you're medically or legally deaf. Deaf culture is unique and different from mainstream/hearing culture, the same way queer culture is from cishet culture. I asked one of my sign language teachers once, does anyone ever use uppercase-h "Hearing", and they said no, because hearing people don't think of themselves as hearing, just as being "normal". There isn't an identity or culture attached to being hearing because in most societies hearing people are the vast majority, so they don't even have to think about it. It's the same with cisgender people. The reason we might feel weird about it is because we don't consider ourselves to have any unique cisgender-specific culture or identity, so how could we be given a label for it? But it this case it's just a descriptor - it's not uppercase-c Cisgender, just lowercase-c cisgender. We're a vast majority that doesn't have to think about how we're cisgender, and that's a privilege we *should* have a label for.
I love the term "hearies" for hearing people. I'm not Deaf (or deaf), but I've seen Deaf writers use it and I'm like... that's neat. There should be a term for us. We are a little odd.
I guess I'm showing my age / background by saying that I hate the stereotypes of "oh you must love Eurovision" or "you must love the Pet Shop Boys" or whatever. I've never liked any "scene" of any kind, and often find the main Pride events exhausting and nonrepresentative of my experience. Then I found the neurodivergent / disabled LGBTQIA+ community, and everything made a lot more sense!
the "you must love Eurovision" just brings that one particular song to my mind "There's the eternal paradox Look what we're seein'? [What are we seein'?] Is he gay? [Of course he's gay!] **Or European?**" [There! Right There! from Legally Blonde: The Musical] i haven't heard a non-euro ever mention eurovision, at all.
ye i have autism, hyperlexia, dyscalculia, tics, severe vision loss, critical heart defects. and i'm genderfluidflux and bisexual! i'm the only queer person in my family and also the only one with like cursed genetics. and ye its tiring when people assume i like certain shows or certain things just because i am queer. but then i joined a neurodivergent+disabled LGBTQ+ community and met some great people there who i share alot in common with :D
I had a co-worker who had a tantrum over being called cis because her gender is “straight, not cis,” and that she felt cis was a derogatory term… And then in a heartbeat she admitted to me that she does shrooms. I love crazy people
@@piiinkDeluxe When I use the term, I tend to explain it to people that I am using it as a way to clarify the difference between me and women who were born as women. Some people like to claim that it's transpeople's way of using "othering language" which it obviously isn't, it's just a word used for clarity in discussions about transpeople because it would get confusing very quickly otherwise, especially for people who are not yet up to standards with the subject at hand. Sometimes, I explain it by using an example of how it would be really confusing if in a story, there would be 4 people having the same first name, and the difference would not be made by using the characters last names in order to know which of the people the story is talking about.
I think it's worth noting that cisgender is just a very convenient word to have, as simply saying "not trans" will also include some nonbinary/agender/etc people who don't identify as trans.
As an asexual it's always hard to have the LGBTQA+ community exclude us. Especially if we are in a heteroromantic relationship. I get it a lot at Pride festivals and it's always confused me to be excluded from a community that's so openly accepting of others. I know bisexuals get this a lot too and they are in the original alphabet! So sad and kind of annoying. But thank you for doing videos about us too! It always means a lot to me to see them.
I’m so sorry that’s happened to you. I’m aroace, and yeh being excluded from the community sucks. Just remember that you are completely valid in the community, and whoever thinks otherwise are bigoted arseholes. Be proud of who you are
i totally get you. Even today, people still think we are broken and also not part of the community. For some reason, they even think the A in the longer acronym stands for ally?? like, um, no. It's for all the a-umbrella terms, like agender, aromantic and asexual. I am sad about the thinks i had to hear when i told them I am ace, and also the "jokes" some made. I was at a pride parade once and was a little sad that i only saw a few aces/ aroaces. I bet there were more but they didnt show it
My sister is asexual heteroromantic, and I have had to reassure her that she is a part of the LGBT+ community multiple times. I'm sorry that people are excluding you, and I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry that a community based on accepting those who are different from the " norm" still discludes you. Its really sucky and i wish there was more we could do to change that. I think allot of it is not understanding. I'm pan and I sometimes feel like people tell me that it "doesn't count" because I've typically been in relationships with men, but I still see way more inclusion and understanding of bi/pan people than of asexual and aromantic people. Its crazy to me how many people I've heard literally saying that ace people don't exist, that adults with no sexual desires are "broken" somehow. I admit that I had a hard time understanding the concept of being ace and specifically being ace AND having a specific orientation. It didn't occur to me that people would have a preference when they didn't have sexual attraction. Luckily a very patient woman explained what it meant to her to be ace, how she went about romantic relationships, and other silly questions I had. I know it's different for everyone but just having a very open conversation with her helped me to have a better understanding and to realize that ace people can still have healthy romantic relationships so naturally may have a gender preference for who that date. It didn't work out with her as at that time I needed more of a physical relationship than what she would have been comfortable with but I'll always be greatful that she was willing to have such an intimate conversation with me. It's nobody's job to educate others but when someone is comfortable sharing their experiences with others it sometimes helps them empathize better. Hopefully with more visibility of ace and aro people there will be more inclusion. I apreciate that Jamie and other content creators sometimes share relatable memes or information about LGBT+ topics that don't necessarily affect them. I also like onetopic, he's cis/het and does allot of videos related LGBT+ topics. Sorry for the rant. Have a lovely day!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that. As a bi woman who’s engaged to a cishet man, I can relate a bit. Just know you’re part of the community and are valid and accepted 💜
There's no rush to figure it out, take the time you need in figuring out and if you don't find a label that's completely OK too ❤ It's like a family here too except for when the phobics show up - their voices are drained out though so no need to panic
A misconception that bothers me is the idea that people who are aro/ace don’t form meaningful relationships. Why do so many people forget that platonic relationships exist? When I told my stepmom that I’m aro/ace, her response was “So you want to grow old and alone?”. What sort of thing is that to say to someone in high school?!
@@misterglo1394 Thank you for your reply! And that interaction was around 9 years ago! I was able to communicate how her words impacted me, and I know that she wasn’t being malicious. Her relationship with my dad saved her from a life of addiction, so she can’t imagine a good life without that relationship.
Try phrasing things in terms that they'll most likely understand, even if you have to technically lie in order to do so. Or just don't come out at all. It's not always worth it.
When i was at collage I had a large group of friends both friends from class but others. Was a mix of straights and non. It was weird because the LGBTQ lot sort of homed in on each other it was if someone stuck up a huge rainbow flair and screamed "Where here." The first person I came out to was my straight friend from school, she was great, we'd go out and meet up with her mates and she'd always introduce me as "This is Dan my gay friend." I said to her "one day you'll say that to the wrong person and I'll get smacked." She looked me in the eye and said "Any of my other mates say or do anything then they can f right off." She got me to come out to my mum she said "Although I can't understand what its like for you I do know that your mum loves you and will support you no matter what." She was right, my mum accepted me for me. I came out at 21 I'm now 44. Being around straight people can be worrying as you never know how they are going to be with you, if their going ti ignore it or worse. My mum use to own a toy stall in one of those indoor markets. 99% of people were totally fine but then you had that 1% which were not. I remember a new stall opened up next to ours and the guy that ran it made me a little nervous as he was your typical straight guy. So when he asked if I went out on the weekends and I said yer, he asked where and I told him. He looked at me and said "Oh the gay pub." His face was dead pan serious when he spoke. All the hairs on the back of my neck went up and flight or fight kicked in however he then smirked at said "Ah I may run into you there over the weekend as I've been looking for a new place to drink." My jaw hit the floor and I then had to ask. why a gay bar and his answer was they always seem nice relaxed and friendly sure he got guys hitting on me but he took that as a compliment. Sure enough I bumped into him there at the weekend, we chatted I intorduced him to the guys who owned the place.
Saying “this is Dan my gay friend” to introduce you to people really rubs me the wrong way. Even though she said she wouldn’t tolerate homophobia, it’s still outing you to new people without your consent and it could put you in danger, like you said.
@@salamanda11 I said to her how about I introduce to you people as "This is my friend Terry she's on wheels?" She looked at me I then pointed out being gay was not the only interesting thing about me, would be odd if I intorduced all my straight friend as this is so an so my straight friend. I told her to think more before she decided to out me to her friends. After we talked about it she apologised and said she hadn't really thought about it and promised she'd stop doing it and she did. So when she'd introduce me I was Dan and we'd chat onceI had gotten to know them and felt okay about it I'd come out if the subject came up. As to me sure Im gay but thats not the only thing about me. We'd be asked where we knew each other from. I got asked what was the strangest discussion we had ever had and that was when I talked about me coming out to her. ( the storry was rather funny). I'd then get the double take and get the "your gay you don't look gay?" "What do gay people look like" is my normal reply. Whilst my mate is sitting there trying not to loose her temper at her friend. She failed and I rember one time she called one of her friends an arse for the stupid comment.
@@user-PuppyDan I’m glad she was cool when you talked to her about it! Sounds like an ally that just didn’t get why what she was saying was kind of inappropriate.
My worst lgbt+ stereotype is that we all try and force our identities onto others and shove it down their throats and demand that they like bow down to us or smth Like no we're just speaking out more lol
Oof. Yeah, if we're not silent & invisible, then naturally that means we're yelling and aggressive 🤮 Such a common invalidation tactic across the field when it comes to challenging statuses quo! And completely ignoring the way pop culture & hegemonic normativity shoves a LOT of ideas down EVERYBODY'S throats... 🤦🏻♀️
LGBTQIA+ folk are simply more visible and outspoken now because you are all refusing to feel shame for simply being who you are. You are demanding rights that lots of bigots don't think you deserve and there's nothing wrong with that. More power to all LGBTQIA+ folk
@@lexxxxx3815 I think that's exactly where they got the "forcing" part of lgbt+ from. They were just never allowed to make their own opinions on world around, so they presume everyone has someone telling them what to think and what to do.
A few weeks ago (or like two months ago) the memory of who I think was my bisexual awakening popped up in my head. It was a character from the Pixar movie Ratatouille. No, it wasn’t Collette, it was Anton Ego’s mum in the flashback from when he was a child. Because I remember saying “She’s really pretty”.
“LGBTQ stereotypes that annoy you” I personally really hate when fandoms/communities give characters/people sexualities depending on their personality. Like bubbly people are pan, mean women are lesbians, mean guys are cished, etc. That makes it feel like there is a choice or rather that it’s depending on your personality what you are attracted to and how you identify
Fr tho, especially when those same people get angry at other people for not agreeing with their headcannon. Probably my least favourite thing in fandom culture, and it ends up coming across as just pushing stereotypes anyway
@@HellBent_ for me I’ve never enjoyed gender/sexuality headcannons, I prefer to stay as close to canon as possible, I would never shame or harass someone for my preference, though. But I do agree it gets pretty annoying when “oh yeah *insert character who happens to be gay* is my uwu gay smol bean U^U and if you don’t agree I’ll send you death threats 😊” I used to be in the mha fandom and what they did to izuku was beyond flanderization at that point.
@@Totallynotredtail You just brought up dark memories of my time in the academia fandom lol, it really was one of the worst I've ever been in. Also that's fair, I only find myself accepting headcannon in situations where there is no cannon or something is heavily implied but not stated. But yeah agreed, I never ever force that onto other people, cause at the end of the day it's headcannon, by definition it is not cannon
@cantin8697 100%. Experience this first hand as an aro-ace who happens to also enjoy being flirty and forward with people. People already treat us like we don't exist or are just lying about it even within the lgbt community but it's even worse when you don't fit the stereotype
I understand your view of cishet people. I'm a geek, and most of my friends are geeky. It's not that I'm nervous around non-geeky people, but I know they won't understand that part of me in the same way. As a cishet guy, I know I'll never understand LGBT+ issues in the same way as somebody who's lived it.
As a fannish queer, yeah, you're right in saying that. I don't think it would be to the same extreme as the wariness with queerness, but I understand wariness that people will find you strange or be mocking, etc.
The stereotypes that annoy me the most are the “all gay guys are feminine” and “all lesbians are masculine” I’m a hyper-feminine girl and I have always been. I “look straight” to most people and while I guess it’s nice to avoid hate crimes and stuff, it’s really annoying that even though I have pride pins and stuff on my bags/lanyards, everyone just assumes I’m straight. Likewise, I have a straight friend who “looks queer” and everyone assumes that she isn’t straight.
I agree. I’m a straight girl but I like the “flamboyant” or “gay/bi looking” guys, “effeminate” guys, and I really hate the stereotype that all gay guys must be effeminate and that the person who looks effeminate? Oh that guy must be gay, if not then at least bi, Like, no that’s so stupid to stereotype anyone like that. lol . I frequent the r/amiugly subreddit and I have seen now two encounters where a guy was called “effeminate” and “you look gay” which I called out but got massively downvoted, and the guy wasn’t even gay lol. And yes the same goes for “but you don’t look straight” so annoying. I know i should frequent that subreddit for my own sake, but I frequent it for others sake. It’s not as awful as other similar subreddits but can get wild-toxic too. It has transphobia too. And there are also comments like “you look trans” as well. Edit: made a little error, ment to say “but you don’t look gay” (instead of straight) 😅 ✌️🌸
A friend of mine almost got gatekept out of a gay pride speed dating event because he "didn't look gay enough". Everyone there was dressed in full "flamboyant gay" stereotype getup, and a handful of them independently came up to him and asked him to justify his choice of clothing, because he looked "too normal". You're not even safe from those stereotypes when surrounded by its victims, ffs
I'm homoromantic ace, and to the point where I've removed all mention of my being associated with the LGBT+ community from my social media due to the sheer level of hate we get. So I can agree that there is a lot of distrust for anyone who isn't LGBT+ as well. The sheer volume of hate is exhausting.
You have the trans movement to thank for that. Thanks to them we have male rapists identifying into women’s prisons without hormones or surgery, we have males on female sports teams, we have males in female-only spaces like bathrooms, locker rooms, changing rooms, gyms, spas, even rape shelters. Women in homeless shelters have been raped by men larping as women to gain access. We have the destruction of our language and the erasure of women as a protected class in law. Title IX has been rewritten to place gender identity above biological sex. Title IX was created to protect the sex-based rights of women and girls and now males who “identify” as such are at the top of the food chain. Lesbians are literally being kicked out of LESBIAN BARS for stating that they don’t like dick. They’ve been kicked out of LESBIAN PRIDE marches for holding signs that say the same. A female-only lesbian conference in London was literally smoke-bombed by furious TRAs while the police watched on, and women were accosted and physically assaulted on their way out of the event. A conference on FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION was loudly picketed by pissed men in dresses for *gasp* being female-only. In science journals and medical schools women are being called “cervix-havers”, “uterus-owners”, “bodies with a vagina”, “black birthing bodies”, “menstruators”, “chest-feeders”, “bleeders”, etc. TRAs weren’t satisfied with taking the word woman from us - they’re trying to take the word female as well and are actually teaching kids in schools that female is a “gender identity” and not a sex.Women who campaign for sex-based rights are physically assaulted at rallies. A 72 year old woman in Auckland was punched in the face and had her eye socket broken by a furious TRA at a Let Women Speak event. There’s an entire internet archive of the thousands of rape and death threats that women who are critical of gender ideology receive from violent men. Schools are taking classes on field trips to DRAG SHOWS without parental permission or knowledge. “Family-friendly” drag shows now feature men in dresses with fake blood on their crotches, throwing tampons into the audience of children. The rights of sex offenders are prioritized over those of women and little girls who don’t want to see a grown man’s erect cock in the women’s locker room. The rights of heterosexual males with fetishes to access female safe spaces are prioritized over the rights of women and girls to have privacy. When the entire trans movement ends in a Jonestown-esque mass suicide/massacre, all I’ll be able to say is…”mental hospitals served a purpose”.
Absolutely rooted in misogyny and patriarchal butthurt, tbh. Clearly any woman who isn't always agreeable and sweet is, logically, one of those angry hateful lesbians, right? 😂😅😢
For that first one: first of all, labels aren't necessarily important. If he doesn't wanna label himself cuz he isn't sure, that's totally fine. It's also why "queer" is such a good word because it can be all-encompassing for people who aren't entirely sure who they are right down to the specifics, but just know they aren't cis and/or heterosexual. Second of all, if he's attracted to trans women that have had vaginoplasty, along with cis women and his pre-op trans man friend while fully seeing him as a man, I'd say he's bisexual with a genital preference. Which is completely okay.
I'm a straight trans woman, most of my friends are other queer people who knew me before I transitioned and we have a lot of dumb fun about me being straight now. We treat it like I got a promotion or they joke like I abandoned the gays or something like that. I could see how from the outside it could appear as kind of mean, but I think what cishet people are feeling when they see it is that someone like them not being seen as part of the "in group." They probably aren't even cognizant of that being the feeling because they never experienced it before in regards to their sexuality which is probably something they never had to think about at all until now. There's more nuances to it also, like a lot of queer humor comes from making light of the things that ostracize us from the rest of society, which again are things cishet people have the privilege of never having to think about or be aware of. These jokes are also ways to both affirm my gender and still include me in queer spaces, as strange as that may sound. Because they poke fun at me being straight, it means they see me as a woman first, not just a trans person, so they act as if my social status is higher than theirs now to spite the reality that it actually isn't. I'm not sure if I explained this well enough, so I encourage other queer people to elaborate on this if they feel like it.
I think it depends on the person, because for some straight trans people it may feel invalidating by ignoring the transphobia they face (because as we know transphobia is a lot more prevalent and often more violent than homophobia). And though you know your friends are joking about “abandoning the gays”, it is a popular TERF argument that trans people are transitioning to become straight and escape homophobia. So I imagine a lot of trans people don’t want to be reminded of that lol. But yes some people may find it funny or affirming to their gender so It’s different for everyone.
That's a good point! That feeling of being "other" might be quite alien to cis people in queer spaces, depending on how their other identities intersect...? I think maybe the kind of humour you describe is a little bit like the "black humour" common amongst first responders, military personnel & others who deal with stressful situations on a regular basis? (A description which is also very applicable to being queer, still!) It can be quite off-putting to outsiders... And frankly in my experience it IS sometimes a bit dodgy and deserves challenging! We're not automatically without sin in excluding or othering people just because we're in a minority ourselves... 😏
A stereotype that I’m pretty sure is something that all lgbtq+ people hear is that the way we are is a choice, which is simple not true. I myself am asexual and when trying to talk to people about it there is an initial belief on their part that it’s just something I have chosen to call myself because I’m scared or whatever. And then there is the typical “you just haven’t met the right one yet”, that I absolutely hate. I got that from my mom when I was trying to come out to her and I live in a very progressive country so it was a bit of a surprise. Luckily after slowly explaining things to her and using analogies to help her understand, she seems to have accepted me.
I’m a AroAce person and I personally hate it when people say we aren’t lgbt or that we can’t feel love, that we’re broken or that we haven’t found the right person yet. It annoys me sm🗿
Same. I'm not some emotionless robot, I love many people very deeply, just not sexually or romantically. And it's especially infuriating because I'm also trans and some people will still accuse me of "invading" LGBT spaces because "aroace isn't LGBT". LGB*T*!! It's right there!
I'm allo and lgbt, and, from my outside (of aroace) perspective, you guys are absofuckinglutely part of the community, and anyone who says you aren't is an idiot who i will fight also, I've dated and been very close friends with ace and aro people, and I absolutely felt loved, so, again, those people don't know what they're talking about, will fight
for the person asking about if "ok" is a good reaction to coming out: try matching there energy. if they are excited be excited. if they are nervous be reassuring. if they are causal be causal. that way you don't hve to worry about coming off as cold of inderfrent
I am coming to find I think I am currently bisexual, as when I started taking care of my mental health, I also started having weird feelings and thoughts about my male friend (who is pan). And sometimes when we drink we end up cuddling, and last time we drank and he left to go home, I was having physical cramps since I just wanted to continue to cuddle. I also can't seem to stop thinking about him, and just have that feeling of wanting to cuddle with him. Doesn't seem straight to me but I am also emotional illiterate and confused.
I can relate to much of what you said! Are you neurodivergent, by any chance? That, plus internalized queerbhobia and your historically poor mental health, might've affected your perception of your own feelings. I know that from experience. If your feelings get too strong, you should ask to date your friend: you're really fond of him after all!
If you're emotionally illiterate, don't bother trying to describe your emotions. Stick to concrete, specific actions. You would like to cuddle with him for very long periods of time. In certain positions? Under a blanket or without? How about other actions, like kissing? Do you want to do that? Do you want to have a private dinner with him, as a special event, like, breaking out some decorations and making fancier food than normal? If you would like to do these things, great! Tell him, if there's a chance he might like to do them too, and continue to not label your relationship at all right up until some 3rd party asks you what you two are. Then, feel free to shrug and keep walking. Or use some nonspecific word like "soulmate" or "life partner" or whatever you need to to get them to shut it. As long as you know what you want to do, you don't have to label anything. Labels are for the benefit of other people. As far as you're concerned, a fitting label can feel really really good and be an excellent thing, but it's not a prerequisite for being able to live the life you want to live.
I think LGBTQ are in many ways sometimes ostracized by our mostly cishet society. When we are around cishets, we fear that they won't accept us because of our queerness. But with other queer people, we don't have that fear and may feel more comfortable. Most of my friends are LGBTQ, but a few are straight, and they are incredibly accepting so I don't feel different about them. But queer people live in fear they won't be accepted by society, so they cannot share everything to cishets without coming out.
I recently came out as non-binary, and I feel that a good way to explain the fear of coming out to your parents is similar to that of proposing. If it goes well, it’s great, but if it doesn’t it can be terrible for the relationship that you value
This feels like a behind the scenes of LGBTQ+ and I love it. As a trans woman, some of these questions are a little more interesting to listen to. Good work Jamie
When I come out as lesbian, I fully expect an "oh, ok" sort of thing from most of my family and friends. From my friends I feel like that's fine, and same for my family mostly, but with them I don't want it to be *just* "oh, ok, moving on" (which would be a bit awkward) Which is why I plan to make a joke out of it by hiding in the closet at Thanksgiving.
13:35 this is so true. I'm ace and all of my friends are allo and it feels a little weird to hear them talking about wanting to have sex so bad because I've never had that desire myself, and it kinda makes me feel like the odd one out
Being aromantic asexual agender myself I always felt like I'm just trying to adapt to act human-like and failing it gracefully (I'm also AuDHD but this is out of topic)
unrelated but im nonbinary/transmasc (it/he/they) and these videos are some of my biggest comforts. my parents are super christian and homophobic (despite my brother being biace and out) and so it's just extra pressure for me to keep who i am hidden. i still have 2 more years at least until i can move out, accentuated by the fact i can't drive and don't plan on learning how to (hard time focusing on more than 1 thing at once- ie, all the different cars on the road) so i just feel so stuck. but these videos and all the nice comments under em always make me feel better, knowing that im not alone! so thank you all for that i guess LOL edit: YALLLL IM GONNA CRY OMG ToT i love all you guys, youre the best
Fellow transmasc enby!! (I myself use any pronouns other than she/her) I hope everything goes well for you, and you’ve got support here (and Bug hugs, if you’d like)
You might consider getting evaluated for ADHD. If you have it, maybe you can get some kind of help with your driving skills, as well as anything else you're having trouble with.
I'm also enby/transmasc and use he/they/it who came from strict religious parents! About the driving thing, you could also save up for an electric scooter or bike and use that to get around too if you wanna avoid cars
I'm a trans masc person who uses they/them and he/him (tho it makes me happiest when I hear my friends use he/him) and I've been in a long term relationship with my cis male partner since well before I came out. He has always said that he supports me and wants to stay with me, even after I started hormones. But there has always been this underlying discomfort I see from him whenever I would talk about my transition. He sometimes slips up and says thing that make it clear he would rather I stay feminine and sometimes those things really hurt. He has told me he still identifies as a straight man and that he sees me as his "partner" but he has not ever seen me as, or would feel comfortable calling me his boyfriend. I don't mind being called "partner", I call him my partner too.... but I can't help but feel like his view of "partner" is actually just "my tomboy girlfriend" and not that I am I trans person on my journey towards the more masculine body that is right for me.
All relationships teach us more about ourselves and others. I hope this one runs its course and ends well, if it does, which it might. I hope you're seen the way you see yourself soon.
I fall under the cis straight umbrella. Once upon a time I had a crush on a "girl" who then came out as a trans man. I still had attraction for him as a girl and I could not imagine wishing to enter a relationship having that disconnect. If my attraction were nongendered I wouldn't have a problem. I also don't know how I would react if I was already in a relationship. There's also the possibility he might have some sort of internalized homophobia. That might not be the right word but something tangentially related. It could be as benign as not wanting to take attention away from others. Or being uncomfortable due to just not fully understanding what's going on. All in all, I'm not you, and I'm not him. I can only share my own experiences. I hope you reach something you are both comfortable with.
I’d recommend having a calm, non-yelling conversation about your concerns, and if you’re right, being willing to end that relationship that isn’t working, because either way, I think you’ll end up happier, either by being reassured of your partner’s support for your transition, or not being in a relationship with someone who is deeply uncomfortable with your transition.
Coming from a cis het man, if i was in a relationship with someone who came out as trans masc, i would also feel conflicted. i may still be romantically attracted but when he starts having a more masculine body, i think i will no longer be sexually attracted.
@@Sarah_Bragg this is a conversation we have had before actually! That was the same talk we had when he told me he still fully identifies as straight and doesn't see me as a "boyfriend". I told him then that I'm only going to continue to look and sound more masculine the longer I am on T and if he is no longer attracted to me, or if he's embarrassed to be seen with me and have his sexuality questioned, then it's fine if he wants to break up. I was surprised how calmly I was able to have that conversation, I normally cry at the drop of the hat trying to handle tough topics, but I was the one with dry eyes comforting him about it. Maybe I've already fully resigned myself that breaking up is a possibility in the future and so I don't feel the need to cry over it. I dunno. But he says that he loves me and wants to stay together. Things have been good, so I guess I will just enjoy what we have now and wait to see what happens in the future. I can't and won't force or guilt him to stay with me, if he won't like me when I've reached the point where I like myself, then it will be time for us both to move on.
As an ace person in a long term sometimes sexual relationship, the first one sounds to me like he could be finding he's pan/biromantic but still heterosexual. As long as he recognises his friend is a man then theres nothing wrong with the feeling, and as long as he's clear to his friend about them if something does come about then it's not unusual to have different romantic to sexual attractions
10:55 This one is interesting, because I am a cis guy, and I have a few friends who have come out as trans after I met them. From a cis perspective, I can see how being transgender should be accepted as normal, so my natural reaction would be to treat it as completely normal information, like "oh, cool" and move on, which (I think) comes from a place of acceptance. However, I also see how difficult it is to come out in today's society, and how brave they are for doing it, which is definitely worthy of praise.
Yeah, matching their energy is really the way to go. If someone is clearly anxious about saying it, telling them "oh, cool" is not gonna be received the same way as someone saying it as a passing comment.
Honestly when it comes to "hating" cis people, I could see how people read that, really easily. One of the things I struggled with for YEARS, was wondering if I only thought that I wanted to be a girl because my online communities were just saturated with tons of "straight bashing" (for lack of a better term). When I still identified as male, I would go into fandom spaces and just find them SATURATED in mockery that tarred all straight people or all men with horrible stereotypes and jokes, seeing people say men should be killed, or didn't belong in the fandom, or whatever else. Even if they were clearly jokes, it's hard to not read SOMETHING into it when it's all you see day in day out. Like I said, it delayed my being able to come out to myself for years because I didn't know if I was just desperate to fit in.
That’s why I stay out of LGBT spaces even though I’m bi and trans 💀. Hating on cishet people for existing is fucked up even if they aren’t oppressed for it like we are. I can’t make offensive jokes about cishet people because I refuse to say things I don’t mean (Probably the autism lol). People say that “making fun of your oppressors” is okay but that just pushes people away from being allys. And I would feel bad if I ever said anything hateful about cishet people that really hurt someone that is supportive of the LGBT community. No minority group can get anywhere without allys in the majority group so we need to stop alienating them. Another reason is that my friends and schoolmates would make fun of white people constantly or talk about how stupid and ignorant they are and even though most of it was jokes, hearing it constantly from them and from the internet made me have a lot of self-hatred and I’m still struggling with suicidal thoughts from it. I would never ever want to do that to someone else.
@@thebuilder5271 Im the same way. the goal is making allys so why push them away? and even beyond that so many people are in the closet/questioning/have hidden struggles that by pushing away those that 'have it easy' your excluding ppl who could relate. tldr I agree why oh why cant people be nice!?
@@thebuilder5271Not to mention, people who do that are also hypocrites, because we of all people should know better than to discriminate based on gender and sexuality :/
I get the same thing with girls bashing men in general. Like, I super get it, on the news you always see men being shitty, whether they're politicians or criminals or whatnot; many of those girls have a lot of bad experiences with men, catcalling, creepy dms, abuse, misogyny, you name it. It's the same with queer people bashing straight people. It's always the cishet straight politicians making new laws to fuck over LGBT's people lives, it's always the straight christian conservatives on social media who harass queer people telling them their gender identity isn't valid, that they're creeps and you know, you've probably heard it yourself. You can say that "oh but not all men, not all cishet straight people" and like, they know it's true, but sometimes, even myself being all of those things, it does feel like it is all of us. It never stops hurting tho, like, as much as one gets it, it still hurts, like "oh but you're not like them" doesn't make you feel any better.
17:16 My pet peeve is about the Gay Men stereotype where they do not seem to have an inner life apart from having female friends who are fascinated by them.
That’s so interesting, because there is also the stereotype of gay men being very sophisticated and discussing art and music and culture and maybe traveling the world.
@@grutarg2938 Yeah the idea that gay men have to be upper middle class+ or well versed, it's a common story that only nobility got to be flamboyantly queer, or that all interest in elegance or art or culture is a flamboyant trait, etc. and partly from the 'no kids just Yorkies' stereotype too. But certainly there can be conflicting stereotypes.
Even within the ally community, there is still way too much, "...but just not in MY family." Coming out is life changing and the fear of one of those changes being loosing relationships is very real.
@@ameliab324 I wish people were frightened of asking questions like that. Sadly, they aren't. People don't ask questions like that to learn or better themselves. I'm going to assume/hope that your comment was ironic, though. I'm going to have faith that you're better than that.
But, how else are they supposed to learn if they don't ask these questions? If it really is coming from a place of ignorance then I don't think they intend for it to be offensive, I do understand that the response is that it'll hurt, but won't it also be an opportunity to point out their problematic belief and hopefully set them in the path of betterment. I do understand the issue of intentionally hateful things being protected under the guise of asking a question, but I'm mostly talking about the cases where it's just people being ignorant.
12:45 my sister gave that "i dont care at all whatever you do you" reaction after i spent a really long time preparing to tell her and i told her "hey, can you atleast give like a "i support you thank you for telling me!" or anything cuz that kinda hurt a bit considering i was so nervous" and then she blew up at me😐 so yeahh ik how sucky that can be but at the very least she doesnt hate me
The "I don't care" or "oh right" reaction is rightfully hurtful from people you care about, I feel! A) You just took a significant risk being open with them - that courage deserves recognition, and B) This is an important part of who you are, and if they really care about you as an individual, they should acknowledge that. A lot of these "meh" reactions sound kinda passive-aggressive, maybe from people who aren't really as supportive or mindful as they like to think/pretend...? 🤔
I'm trans fem and agender. I have lesbian grandmas on my mom's side and I haven't told them I'm trans. When I told them I like to wear dresses and skirts they told me it would take a little time not because they didn't support me, but that they have this image of me in their head and they need to remake that image. It feels too soon to tell them about myself completely. I've only told my partner and my closest friend. I plan on telling them in a year and a half, close to my 18th birthday. I can't even change my name or get HRT until then because we can't find my bio dad. what I'm trying to say is that no matter how close you are to someone, it's up to them when they tell you if at all. When they do, just be supportive
@@ajitadonismanilal9105 But when you don't you feel like you have a weighted suit on you all the time. I'm lucky enough to have two people I trust with everything and being with them makes me feel like I don't have that weight on
@@ajitadonismanilal9105 If it helps at all, you can always talk to me. Keep this comment chain open. If anyone tries to threaten us or insults us, I'll take care of it
The thing is is that (some) cishets get so upset over being called cis but it's a label just as ordinary as straight. They wouldn't argue "I'M NOT STRAIGHT YOU'RE MAKING WORDS UP". Cis means you're not trans, straight means you're not gay (attracted to the same sex in some way)
i have seen some people make the strange argument "I'M STRAIGHT NOT HETEROSEXUAL" so i kind of wonder if it's about people being uncomfortable with words with -sexual and -gender on the end (heterosexual, cisgender), because they feel like they're being "forced into having a sexuality and gender". which is cleeeearly something only the lgbtq+ community does sort of like how some transphobic people deny pronouns entirely, because surely a "pronoun" could only belong to a transgender person, so obviously they would *never* use such a thing (/s for some parts of this for clarity just in case)
question 1: I think most of OP's feelings of confusion come from their need to have a label that describes theirself very closely. Labels can be helpful for finding people with similar experiences, but sometimes a label will describe some of your experiences but not others. When that happens, it's important to remember that labels are a tool for communication, not an arbiter of what sexuality is valid. Often, there will be 10-dollar words or phrases which match better, but a more popular word like "straight" might be an easier route to giving someone a good enough idea of your experience. I know them identifying as "straight" while interested in a relationship with a trans person of the same gender may seem disrespectful in a way, but for what it's worth, I once new a trans woman who considered herself gay on account of only dating guys.
As a genderfluid transmasc, I'm really struggling with the opposite end of the first question. I know that there are those who would be attracted to me based on my exterior, but I am medically transitioning, I have dysphoria, and I kinda change. And when interacting with people who were just into women it always felt wrong, like they didn't see me for me, there was no genuine chemistry, and it's just so weird. And I just never know how to interact with people, because I know that I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone who wasn't into both men and non-binary people, both into what I look like now and into how I imagine myself to be. But how do I even go about that in dating?
Remember: everyone changes as they go through life. A strong and healthy relationship is one in which all participants are able to change and grow, in collaboration. Firstly: don't even bother with people who state an interest in only men (whether they are men or women). It doesn't matter how much of a good faith effort they make, you will always be unsatisfied: because they simply are not able to have the same feelings about the different sides of you. Their brains are not wired for it, and nothing will ever change that. Seek out multiattracted people: bisexuals, pansexuals and omnisexuals. Second: be up front with people you intend to date that you are genderfluid, and in the midst of medically transitioning. Let them back out if they aren't ready to deal with that. But remember, this isn't some kind of weird thing: it's no different than someone having a job that will be hard on their partner. Third: talk about this kind of stuff with your partner, not just once but frequently. Keep the lines of communication open on your end, and don't be afraid to ditch them if they ever stop communicating. There are multiple billions of people in this world, statistics says some of them are dreaming about someone like you.
@@golwenlothlindel I mean, yes, I was referring to my changing gender, and while for other people gender might change as well, it doesn't seem to be this sort of reoccurring thing back and forth for a lot of others I think. I feel like the difficult thing for me is that I am not bisexual, and it kind of feels like... like I am expecting something from a person that I am not able to give in return, and like I want someone to identify as something while not being in the community of that. It just feels so weird.
OK this was like reading my journal. Sounds weird, and oddly straight forward, but find someone(s) who is pansexual. I dated someone who said they were pan and then started physically transitioning and it did shit to my mental health. (I truly believe he is bisexual, now I understand the difference) I'm now dating someone who is actually pansexual and the change in how it all feels is night and day.
Bi-romatic, I'm a bi-romatic lesbian. I would not have seggs with a man but I would date them. I think that is something you could identify with. Only read if you have commented/ are going to: Never thought I would be invalid to people of my own community as a person who got bullied for being queer. I don't want a new term when there are perfectly fine ones I can use. I am both sexually and romantically attracted to women but only romantically for men. Please think about how many people are reading your comments and the different ways that they might sound because a lot of people are bullied/ have been bullied and find jammie to be a safe space. One of the first things he said was leave your judgment. Have a good night/Day.
@@oblivionhinkley322romantic and sexual attraction aren't necessarily the same thing. OP is saying that while they can be attracted to men romantically, they can't sexually, thus biromantic lesbian.
@@oblivionhinkley322i think she means like she would only be attracted sexually to other women, but could date anyone, as romantic and sexual attraction can be different Biromantic Homosexual maybe, but I dont know if she likes that label
@@oblivionhinkley322I think the easiest way to explain this is using the term “bi-romantic homosexual” to separate the romantic and sexual attraction to different genders
I suspect the first person might be biromantic, but heterosexual. Most cis/straight folks don't ever realize there's a difference between sexual and romantic attraction. Romantic is the interpersonal/emotional part that most people just assume is how you get to the sex part. But you can have one without the other.
I feel like for me it’s a similar feeling with cishet friends as it is for neurotypical friends. It’s not that I see them differently or don’t like them because of that aspect; there’s just a degree of separation from the lack of that shared experience. I can’t just start talking about those topics, I need to give context so they can understand, and that can make the interaction less genuine in a sense.
I had similar thoughts about being "the odd one out" - LGBTI+ disabled people spend a lot of our lives being in that position until we find our comrades (if we're lucky). It's not often you hear a cis-het man expressing the feeling of being othered. I hope it gives them some perspective and compassion for themselves and others.
But how has for example a cis lesbian had the same experience as a straight trans woman? I think I as a cishet woman would have more in common with the straght trans woman, bc we're both into men 🤔
I am so incredibly grateful to have found your videos. Before I stumbled upon them, I was in a really dark place. My dad had kicked me out and it felt like I could never be myself. I had even been considering unsubscribing from life. But then I found your video. You being so open and proud of your gender gave me the courage to be proud of my own. Knowing that you, and so many others, were out there supporting each other and embracing being their true self gave me the strength to keep going. Thank you so much for saving my life. Your videos have encouraged me to stand up for myself and my right to be who I am. I'm so thankful for the support you have given. You have helped me to find my true identity and to be proud of who I am. Thank you so much for supporting me, and everyone else, through your videos.
Im so glad that you and other youtubers are using the platform to bring awareness to LGBT+ people and the issues they face. I'm in my later 30s so quite a bit older than many others who watch this channel and can say that people didn't talk as much about LGBT+ issues when I was younger. As a kid I had vaguely heard of "sex change" but not the term trans (and certainly not of things like gender fluid or non binary) then later heard of gay, but not bi, pan, ace, ect. I was in middle school before i heard of being gay, and highschool before i heard of bi, didnt hear of pan (which is how i identify) until many years later. It was confusing because as a small child (and occasionally as a teen) i felt some gender disphoria (though i didnt know the word or have any way to describe it, all i could say at that time is that i wish i was a boy and maybe when im older I'll be one of those peoe who does a sex change), i was not/ am not trans, i think if I'd had the language for it then I likely would have considered myself to be gender fluid or gender non conforming in some way. And i remember feeling attraction to both boys and girls early in elementary school. I assumed all girls looked at other girls the way that i did but all i knew was heterosexuality so i ignored it. Later i learned that people could be attracted to tbe same sex but thought that didnt make sense in my case, i was attracted to boys so i assumed that was different to what i was but still didnt know that people could "like both". Eventually around age 14, i heard the term bi for the first time and it all made sense. I met a wonderful group of "outcasts" in highschool, mostly the other drama kids and art kids and we realized many of us were gay, bi, or questioning but didnt always feel comfortable coming out, or in some cases didnt have the language for it. A group of us actually started our schools GSA (gay/straight alliance) because we decided that people should have a safe space to talk about gender and sexuality and we had a really hard time convincing school to allow it even though they literally had a Christian after school club (it was allowed because clubs are student run and not school sponsored). We had to have enough people sign a petition, find an adviser (not hard as our art teacher was a lesbian and agreed that a safe space for students was needed), AND point out that disallowing it could be viewed as discrimination. Having it as an after school club allowed some kids the opportunity to realize they were not straight and admit it for the firat time and others gained the confidence to publicly come out. And we realized that based on how many people attended our school and how many came to our club who identified as something otber that straight at least 10% of tbe school was LGBT+ in some way. If social media had existed then or if more celebrities were openly gay/bi, we ot could have made a huge difference. Im glad my children live in a world where there are people like Jamie making videos that let them know they are normal and valid.
Yeah, as 40+ ace person I'm with you in this space! Today's kids are growing up in an ENORMOUSLY different space when it comes to access to information about & discussion of LGBTQ+ matters 😳 Don't think we could've imagined it in the '80s & '90s. I really hope it helps!! They're also growing up in one of these periodic eras of strong reactionary backlash, too, which makes me sad for them? 😔 I think thorough knowledge of queer history (as far back as you can find it) is super, super helpful in that context & can help provide perspective, resilience and even useful clapbacks to people making ignorant arguments about queerness being a modern "trend" or "perversion".
When I first came out as trans, I did it mostly through individual conversations with people, though not incredibly formal or serious ones. I found out because of that period that it was hardest for me to come out to people the more I cared about them, some of them taking days or longer before I was able to tell them, because I cared about their reaction more.
Nice to see some genuine curiosity and willingness to learn and explore. The internet being the internet, questions directed at the community are often disingenuous and condescending, so it’s nice to hear something more nuanced.
When I first came out as trans and started testosterone, a straight cis man who I had known since middle school, but was never really friends with, messaged me on Facebook to basically tell me that he thought it was "hot" that I was a man with a vagina and still considered himself straight despite his attraction to me. He even admitted that he wasn't attracted to me at all until I came out and started T. He basically only wanted to have sex with me just because of my genitals and was flat out fetishizing me. I've had it happen with other cis men as well who were "straight," bi, even gay too who again, were only fetishizing me, so yeah to have someone tell me that they're only interested in me because of my junk, would not only trigger me, but my instant assumption would be that they're just another chaser. Of course being attracted to trans people doesn't instantly make someone a chaser, but for me, that's been my experience more often than not. If they only feel attraction to me because they know what my junk is, then that just feels like fetishizing to me. If they're attracted to me and are simply just more comfortable with my junk that's not as bad I guess cause I get that not everyone likes penises, but then they're basically assuming that means that I'm okay with bottoming, which yeah I am sometimes, but I also like to top sometimes too cause I'm verse and if they're not comfortable with that then idk if it'd work out cause I don't want to be stuck bottoming all the time. Not only that, but I have thought about having bottom surgery, but I'd also want to keep my man cave too, so that I have both parts. Only problem is there can be way more complications from doing that, so I'm still on the fence about it, but there's pack and plays at least which I've been wanting to get one for a while now, but haven't been able to afford it. I don't have a partner I can use it with right now anyways though. Point is, they shouldn't assume that every trans masc person likes to only bottom if at all just because of our junk.
@TheRainbowExperience Oof, just wanted to send a rainbow hug as it sounds like the dating/romantic scene out there for trans people is a real minefield?! 😵💫 Between dangerously phobic people, casually TERFy people, fetishists, and people who're struggling with split or unexamined gender/genitalia attractions, I can only imagine that trying to find people who are attracted to you for YOU must be pretty exhausting...? Interesting to hear that some people decide to retain both sets of gear when transitioning, didnt know that! The more the merrier I guess? 😉 It's frustrating that there's still so much closed-mindedness and weird social rigidity around all this stuff. Hope we eventually manage to reach a future where fluidity of all kinds is accepted as the norm not the exception 🤞
@@PoopcakesTheThird Lol thanks, but I didn't come up with it. I saw another trans masc person using it a while back who apparently heard it from another trans masc person on a tv show. I forget which show it was though. It might have been Shameless, but I'm not certain.
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Thanks. It is EXTREMELY difficult trying to date as a trans person. A lot of us end up only dating each other because of all the chasers and transphobic cis people out there, especially those who want us dead. I can't even go look for just casual sex without chasers flooding in for the "opportunity." I've tried putting up with it, but it was really bad for my mental health. Right now, I'm just trying to focus more on myself. And yeah there are some surgeons who will let you have both, but there aren't very many that do because of the complications that can happen. Hopefully they'll get better at it overtime though. Until then, I'll just stick to toys which at least with those I can have any shapes, sizes, and colors that I want lol. I hope the future is better and not so close-minded too, though I don't know if it'll happen within our lifetime unfortunately, but would be great if it does.
My reaction the one time someone came out to me (it was a worker at a restaurant I frequent, and their transition was just starting, which I wasn't completely sure of), I just reacted with "Alright, cool. What gender reference do you prefer?"
I think "Cool. Thanks for sharing that with me" is a good short, casual response when someone comes out to you, for people who want to communicate they don't care about their friend/relative's sexuality or gender, but they do care about that person.
10:55 "Is it ok to just say 'oh ok' and move on when someone comes out?" I will say, there is something really comforting in a nonchalant reaction like this. My favorite reaction from someone when I told them I was trans was 2 text messages: the first said "I know transitioning can be very challenging on many levels. I applaud your bravery and love you as much as I always have." The second messages simply said "Speaking of which, what should I change your contact name to?" It was such a simple way to acknowledge what I said while also just drawing attention forward to the rest of our conversation. It even inherently demonstrated that he wanted to continue to have contact with me. (It was a childhood friend, we hadn't spoken in a few years.) In person, a similar response would be "do you have a new name or pronouns you would like me to use?" It's clear you're taking them seriously, it's clear that you want them to feel respected, and it's clear that you aren't going to have some meltdown over it. That kinda skips a lot of the normal possible responses and goes right to just assuming that they're accepted.
Some of the stereotypes that I hate are 1) that if you're trans, you're transitioning to be straight, and 2) People on the ace spectrum a) can't be romantic and b) don't like any sex at all. I'm an effeminate trans man who is acespec (demisexual) who is a hopeless romantic, and is sex favorable. I'm also gay and poly on top of my ace identify, so I feel like i'm about as far from the stereotype as you can possibly be, so my experiences really don't line up with what people who aren't familiar with all the nuances with that sexuality and gender has. It can be very frustrating, especially when other people within the LGBTQ+ community stereotype me.
I find it so very weird how many people in our LGBTQ+ community are so invested in boxing other queer people into very defined identities & denying any possibility of multiple spectra of human experience or journeys of questioning! Maybe it comes from the natural human desire to categorise things (something of a survival reflex) and perhaps also some fear because of how hard they fought to establish the beachhead of their own identities...? Not to go all sociology on you, but I feel like part of it also stems from the broader hominid tendency to create ingroups & outgroups, and then strongly resist any permeability between the two... And to perceive resources as limited, & therefore any 'uninvited' additions to the ingroup as a threat! It's very exclusionary & normative, feels so out-of-place in a community that should be about inclusion, diversity & open-mindedness...
Yeah, when I came out to my dad, the first thing he said was, "But you always seemed to like women!" And I answered, "Yeah, Dad, I do like them. I'm a lesbian."
Yep, I'm non-binary and ace and I've had so many people ask me why I bothered to even come out when being a straight woman is so much easier. Which is especially ironic because the majority of people who have told me this have been straight men. Like IDK, it's kinda hard to be a straight woman when you aren't attracted to people or a woman. One of my friends who is a gay trans guy got asked why he came out when he could've just been a lesbian. Like IDK, cause it's kinda hard to be a lesbian if you aren't attracted to women regardless of your gender?
I think everyone should read What’s Your Pronoun by Dennis Baron I read it a couple days ago it’s a history book exploring English pronouns and it mostly discusses cis pronouns. Did you know “he” was considered a universal pronoun well into the 1970’s? Holy crap! She/her are neopronouns!
For the "ok, move along" I think that's fine as long as you show some support between "ok" and "move along" or bring it back up at a later time. That can be thanking the person for telling you or asking even the most basic question about it. A simple "how're you doing?" Or asking about who else they have or are planning on coming out to (probably not needed so much if they are a new friend/acquaintance). I had some friends pretty literally just say "ok" and then change the topic and they've never come back with questions or anything. Hard to believe they care about me when they don't ever talk about it or immediately move on when I do.
When I came out to my family they didn't say anything. It was dead silent. Then one of my family members emailed me that the were against it and a few religious articles why instead of saying it to my face. Recently I told them I got engaged and all they did was say mhm. It's because they do not agree with my "lifestyle."
This is a pretty wholesome subreddit. Just people genuinely trying to understand what a life experience that is likely quite different to their own. I like it. 10/fish.
As an ally i used to feel a bit left out when my friends made some Jones but then i started to ask them to explain them to me. It made a big difference, now they Will explain things to me without me asking when they think is something i dont understand.
oh my, i find that a good way to talk or ask questions about anyone one who needs it, but also does not want to seem rude or uncareing just simply tell yourself said question. it sounds odd but if you are happy with it then hopefully the person you wish to know more of will. my quote i love to use is "do to them what you wish them to do to you" it is never easy trying to not hurt people, but as long as your heart is in the right place, i am sure they will understand. 🧡🧡🧡 oh this was a lovely video. thank you jamie...
16:54 JAMIE i can’t believe you missed the opportunity to plug your book as a trans info resource at the end! I was thinking “ooh nice segue” and then you just DIDN’T
a thing that bugs me is ppl who get so ticked at the existence of aro and/or ace ppl, I just cant wrap my head around how ppl can be mad that others don't have sexual and/or romantic attraction, cuz odds are even if they did, they wouldn't be attracted to someone like that
They think you're not really aro/ace, just playing hard to get and trying to make people work really hard to get your attention. I hate that narrative; it's untrue and hateful.
Honestly I think it's because some people feel entitled to a relationship/sexual stuff, so they get mad when you literally aren't capable of that (in the case of some aro/ace people)
@@MiotaLee (this is partly an OT reference but) well it's Denmark I thought they'd at least try to fight. Also I'm aro, not ace, so not in the inner circle, Imma just wave at my cousins marching by. What tense times.
That question about not being told first, I did the same with my mother! She was the first person to introduce me to our local LGBT+ community and knows everyone but I told her I was pan very last because even though she is a huge ally I was insanely nervous! Something about telling a family member is always harder, even if they are a complete ally. I was a little better the second time when I came out to her as trans, she was the second family member I told (sister found out first, she’s awesome too.)
I guess the stakes are just so much higher with your closest loved ones? Poor reaction by a colleague or acquaintance might be brushed off, but rejection by a parent has much more potential impact! So very glad to hear that your family are so awesome and supportive! 🥳🏳️🌈
Great vid as always! As a cis person, im also curious about what it means to be trans. Im so happy that i got to order your book home to the bookstore i work at, so everybody curious can learn more by reading your book. Thank you! love how supporting you are towards everyone. you have the best after-work comfort videos ❤
I think for the coming out answer, it greatly depends on the way the person is telling you. If they seem very casual about it, you can be too. If they seem nervous, tell them that you appreciate their openness and trust in you. It can be extremely difficult for the person coming out and if it seems like they're struggling, show appreciateion for their braveness
"Oh okay" is the perfect reactionif someone comes out in passing. If a colleague talks about going on vacation soon, and mention their same-sex spouse before continuing on to talk about a museum they're excited to see, "oh okay" is perfect cause it matches the energy. However if someone is obviously scared to come out, beat around the bush and say "op can I talk to you about something" to start the coming out, oh okay is clearly not enough.
Yep, that's what I do and I've only ever had one person get mad at me and I still have no idea why. Someone told me they were asexual, I replied "cool, me too" and they got mad I didn't let them define asexual before I started talking. Like I waited several seconds to make sure they were done talking, I didn't interrupt them. And it should've been pretty clear I didn't need the definition. I've also just mentioned I'm trans in passing and had people gush that I was so brave to say that and it's such a big deal, yada yada. And it's just awkward. It's happened at work too and like anyone who'd been there more than a month knew cause I'd been out since I started working there. After they finally figured out half the staff was gay they chilled out about people mentioning it. No, I didn't mean LGBTQIA, I meant gay, over half the staff was gay, having all queer shifts was common. It also worked very well as bigot-be-gone. Especially cause our boss was also gay.
Okay I see the viewpoint of the person at 10:00. In my personal experience, my ex best friend was quite not okay when they came out as lesbian and gained confidence. They would mock me for "liking d1cks" in a way that made me really uncomfortable and I made sure to say it but they still continued with this mockery. Later I identified as an as3xual and I guess it made more sense but they later on, I came out to them and they absolutely backstabbed me with aphobia. That is the last time that we talked. So what I am saying is that there are certain people who may present as hateful towards straight and/or cis people.
For me, a good part of the reason why I don’t really want to come out as Bi because of fear of being stereotyped. Like, “No, I’m not greedy,” “No it’s not a phase.”
On the question of delay in coming out: some relationships need more attention than others, too. I waited to come out to a lot of folks until I had a chance to come out to my mom in-person; that relationship took precedence over any other. Furthermore, it's easy for allies to misunderstand that LGBT+ folk are intensely aware of the gap between "self-identifies as an ally" and "is willing to accept someone they know completely and fully"; those are two different things and if they don't align safety could be in question.
💯 Especially when one considers the number of young queer people kicked out on the streets by family, & how that funnels so heavily into trafficking and exploitation? It can be a very high-stakes endeavour coming out (or being outed!!) to family, esp. if you're not yet financially independent 😔
When I came out to my stepmom all she said was “yeah I knew” and that’s it and ngl it kinda made me wanna cry at the time because it took a lot for me to tell her and she was just like “ok” could have gone better or worse but like a didn’t even get a “good for you” “thx for telling me” or anything, just “I knew” :’)
A stereotype that annoys me to no end is the whole we love drama, and parties, and alcohol, and we all want to stand-out. I know who I am is quite space filling, sometimes I wish it wasn’t true. It’s as if I am someone I kinda find annoying. Like I want to be me, which is this bright, colorful, energetic being, but also just a background character.
Very important point to make. Caution and hatred are 2 very different things. They can coincide, but if someone is being careful around you, it probably isn't personal.
As a trans woman, I fully get the wariness around cis people you don't know. I feel like I'm on edge when I'm around people who don't know I'm trans yet, and then when they find out, and they're (usually) accepting of me, i feel I can relax a little. I'd also say that one of the stereotypes that I hate about LGBTQ+ people is the idea that some (but not all) cishet people have that we make being LGBTQ+ our entire personality. Like yes the fact that I am trans is a huge part of who I am, and I am immensely proud of that, but I'm also so much more than "just" a trans woman. I'm always happy to have conversations about being trans, and I love that people are so willing to learn more about my personal experiences, but it doesn't and shouldn't have to be the only thing people talk to me about 😊😊
The funny thing about people who complain about LGBTQ+ people making it their whole personality, is that more often than not their whole personality is homo/transphobia.
![SAFEPLANET - ดาวเคราะห์ [ THE PLANET ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4X1XL3I_k3c/mqdefault.jpg)
The trans stereotype that drives me nuts is the assumption that I'm going to be super agressive or sensitive. That I can't take a well meaning joke, that I'll fly into a rage at any accidental misgendering, or be super offended by an honest question.
I've actually been told that I'm, "One of the cool ones." And more times than not it turns out that I'm the _only_ trans person they know and this idea that all trans people are raging snowflakes is merely in their heads.
Btw, this is propaganda. The right loves videos where they poke and bait trans people incessantly with misgendering and truly offensive behaviour. Then when the trans person breaks and finally reacts the right points and say, "See! Look at how unreasonable and reactionary they are. You can't say anything without them flying off the handle."
Still waiting whos gonna be the triggered Trans Women and becomes the third Rider of the Apocalypse after the Redhead and the one thats screaming to the sky.
It's because the internet has seen some unhinged trans people - and I don't think they're representative of the whole group, as the internet simply likes focusing on the extremes, but it's also hard to deny that there's a lot of trans people who go mental on anyone who disagrees with them. And I get that it must be awful to always be assumed to be such person. But if I was to be honest, my fear of telling my conservative parents a more liberal opinion is far less than the fear of stating a more conservative opinion in basically any leftist group. It's because the latter usually ended up more stressful for me, and that's for a reason I think.
@@Dloin they need more "SJW" images. They keep reusing the same 2 it's getting old.
GOD SAME once in history class we were doing a group project and someone called me "she" and i calmly said "oh, by the way I'm a guy" and he went all "oh my god im so sorry!! im not transphobic i swear!! please forgive me! i didn't mean to i swear!! oh god!" while i just said "it's fine im not mad" over and over. he was weirdly nice for the following months after that despite basically not knowing i existed before that
dude thought i was never ever gonna forgive him over a single word
Literally. Thank you for a good honest breakdown of the situation
I'm not trans but I am a queer girl. I get really irritated/uncomfortable when straight people automatically assume that a queer person has feelings for them. This happened with a girl in my art class who found out I was into girls. For the rest of the time I was in that class she would always ask me questions about if I was attracted to her, gave me random compliments about my appearance in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation, and would gush about her boyfriend and how she could never understand being attracted to someone of the same gender.
Sounds to me like the girl in your art class is also into girls but in denial.
@@thebestwillow Yeah, that possibility crossed my mind but I was too uncomfortable to probe the issue or urge her to practice any sort of introspection.
@@definitely_not_a_mouse it probably wouldn't have gone anywhere good even if you had.
@@thebestwillow I imagine it would be very difficult to change someone's whole world view as a member of a marginalized group while also making coil pots
@@definitely_not_a_mouse me too. I'm kind of sad for her, though.
I stopped coming out and just act like it's normal that I'm gay. Because it is. So I don't say "OH, I'm gay." It's more like when we talk about relationships It's natural for me to say "I'd like to have a girlfriend that had xyz values." etc. and then people get it quite fast. 😅
I'm the same way! I figure, straight people don't have to come out formally so why should I? If I turn up with a girlfriend, refer to myself with different pronouns, or you just happen to walk into my room and see the ace flag on the door, I imagine it'll become evident.🤷♂️😅
I stan this
This is how I "come out" as bisexual to people. So far no one has ever commented on it. No congratulations, no homophobia/biphobia, just everyone having a conversation about their partners or romantic preferences. I think I prefer it that way.
This is smart, reorienting coming out by just living it and letting people figure it out, removes the pressure in a way and normalises it. Very cool
I love that! Thanks for the idea...funny how it never popped into my head. That's a much more comfortable thing than what I was trying to prep for.
I've always found the "being lgbt" is trendy/a fad thing really frustrating just because of how dismissive of the struggle both I and lot of people I know have gone through when it came to accepting who we are. Transitioning for me was never about being cool or different, I did it so I could feel comfortable in my own skin and being told I'm just following a trend is incredibly insulting and displays a total lack of understanding or empathy for lgbt people.
Ah yes, a trend as old as humanity itself, makes sense. Some people just don't know better, and thats why we need to spread awareness.
It's never been that. It's just the excuse the prejudiced give for invalidating someone else's experience. If someone can believe it's just some kind of fad that's happening because people think it's cool, it means that they have an excuse for believing that the other person's experience that makes them uncomfortable is not real or valid.
@@paulhammond6978yeah, I get the feeling that it's really just a rhetoric the transphobes like to push because it doesn't suit them to acknowledge that it's actually difficult to transition, and that is certainly not something people do on a whim. Their whole argument is based on the concept of people "transing" our kids like it's a bag of lollies. 🙄
I think some of it is "kids these days" reactionism for sure! But a lot also seems to be just pure lack of education about the presence of queer & nonconforming people throughout history? It's worth keeping in mind that saying about not attributing to malice what can be explained by sheer ignorance! 🙈
Written histories & history classes have been total CRAP at reflecting any of this reality until very very recently, and legal & social suppression of minorities in the past has also heavily warped what historical records get reproduced or referenced (and how).
I'm less sure whether it should be our job to try & educate people...? 🤔 I guess it depends on how safely you can do so & how many spoons you feel you have on the day?
At least there are some truly awesome YT resources one can point genuinely interested people to, saving us a lot of work & really doing the research! Jimmy at The Welsh Viking, Kaz Rowe, Jessica Kelgren-Fozard, Alexander Avila, J. Draper, ContraPoints and so many others.
it's almost like the world is more accepting nowadays
as a pansexual, the stereotype that bi/pan/poly people are more likely to cheat (read: absolutely will cheat) drives me up the damn wall. sexual orientation has no bearing on how faithful someone will be (or not be) in a relationship.
cheating isnt about access, its about taboo and harm. Most of the time folks do it to either feel naughty or hurt the other person.
@@rjframe4410
I was gonna say, there's also a lot of cheaters that do it because they want to have their cake and eat it too.
They want to live a hookup lifestyle, and make it their significant others problem instead of asking to make the the relationship open, or breaking up and saving them from more pain later.
@@dubiousinformation1756 yeah but thats just the old adage to never ascribe malice to what can be explained by stupidity
if you think you can pull that off without an open relationship your just asking for a beatin.
Also lets be real open relationships benefit women way more than men. In the same way dating apps do
and the fact that I know more straight cheaters-
@@rjframe4410 open relationships benefit whichever partner is more outgoing. sex and/or gender have nothing to do with it.
How on earth did you tell that person to read books about being trans and NOT plug your own book? That is some serious restraint right there.
That is just what I was thinking! Or rather, shouting at the screen "Read your book! Read your book!"
just being bri'ish i guess
@@transsexual_computer_faery how is that being british? lol
@@strawberrysolar9086 have you heard about the bri'ish?
People probably were fed up with Jamie promoting the book.
As someone who’s aroace, the stereotype of being mono emotional and loveless and generally unhappy just annoys me. The concept that one has to experience sexual or romantic attraction to experience love and empathy is just ridiculous, and unfortunately still very prevalent (hence why I don’t mention it to many people). I’m a hyper empathetic person, and I love my family and friends and I tell them that regularly. Only thing remotely robotic about me is the roboticism a lot of us experience as being a cog in a capitalistic machine, but overall I am not any less of a person because I’m not romantically or sexually involved with someone. By that extension, I’m not any less of a person because I probably will never be a wife or a mother. And I’m happy just as I am, especially when people aren’t denying my existence or questioning my happiness ~
Yeah, the general majority just assume us aspec people are just depressed because we “haven’t found the right one yet” when we don’t define ourselves on our sexual/ romantic preferences
I'm curious to know what your economic beliefs are after the capitalist metaphor.
What would you have instead of capitalism as an economic system?
Socialism I'm assuming, but what kind of socialism?
samesies
I thought for so long that you had to be a vampire to be aroace and I’m not sure why.
@@PeggyLee-n1i I guess I’m vampire now lol
The stereotypes that really annoy me are the ones that erase spectrums. Bisexuality exists and is a whole umbrella. There are many ways to be transgender. Intersex people exist. Asexual, aromantic, and demisexual people exist. And so on. As long as the stereotype isn't based on ignoring groups, I'm usually able to shrug it off.
oh my god thank you for recognizing demi people, we get thrown under the bus so much aaa :') much love from a demisexual dude
Yeah, it's so weird how this deep human need to CATEGORISE CATEGORISE CATEGORISE & separate things out into boxes creeps in, even in LGBTQ+ spaces, where you'd think we'd be a wee bit more flexible-minded! 😅
What I'd love to see is a future where everybody is accepting of the idea that most human characteristics exist as a spectrum? (Or, sliding scale, or set of Venn diagrams, whatever visual makes sense to you...) Whether that be gender, sexuality, neurotypicality, race, handedness, spirituality, or whatever?
Also, many people think sex is binary when in reality it's a bimodal spectrum.
@@Im-BAD-at-satire Yeah, had intended to cover that in mentioning intersex people, but I might overestimate how varied most people consider that identity to be because I'm part of some very intersex-supportive groups.
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Sliding scale for handedness? Are you referring to cross-dominant people by chance? (prays that they are as no one ever talks about this)
As the one (openly) LGBTQ+ person in my friend group, I can confirm that it feels people treat you slightly differently. It sometimes feels as though they are too aware that I’m queer, and end up making me feel alien in attempts to make me feel excepted. It doesn’t help that I’m currently living in a more conservative area.
People try too hard to be accepting if they aren’t 100% understanding, so it feels disingenuous. That may play apart in this
I've been out as bi since I was teen, but when I came out to my friend group as trans non binary things definitely changed beyond just my name and pronouns, and the fact that the group is now one person smaller
Maybe partly because it's socially dangerous NOT to treat you with proverbial kid gloves. There's a lot of weight behind the implied threat of being labelled as some kind of -ist.
We're often "as wary of you as you are of us"... simply in very different ways for very different reasons. That slight over-correction tends to be based more in overthinking how to relate/interact in acceptable and constructive ways rather than repressed bigotry or masked disapproval. You'll often see similar discomfort when a guest from a totally alien culture is brought into a home or homogenous group; people get to be TOO careful, to the point that it comes across as forced.
@@MrMortull I think you may be unaware of just how tolerant of casual small disrespect acts LGBTQ+ people are, but in so tolerating those when we reach a breaking point it seems like it comes from nowhere
If you teach a dog not to growl, you don't have a warning before they bite
@@echohanna I'm not blaming anyone, it's just how it is... and it's not "angry queers" we're anxious of, necessarily, so much as judgment. A lot of time, effort and energy has been put in from both sides to try to make our society as fair and reasonable as we can, straight folks who "take a backward step", deliberately or otherwise, can find themselves in a very awkward position.
Not justifying or arguing for anything here, just sharing my perspective warts-and-all.
I'm a trans man, and I would be upset if someone thought of me as a woman. I think if he recognizes that his friend is a man, then there's nothing wrong with how he feels. Sexuality is fluid and there's always exceptions. The important point is that he doesn't view friend as a woman.
I 100% agree with you. But it gets a little complicated if they do end up in a relationship and the guy does want a bottom surgery in the future. A friend of mine has been in a similar situation and his bf told him he wouldn't feel attracted to him anymore if he got a penis. Me an asexual person would claim sex isn't everything in a relationship but for some people it can be an important thing.
@@KateSW1997 So, you want hin in the women’s restroom?
You are a woman so......
@@transwomenarentrealwomen290nope
@@transwomenarentrealwomen290No Hes A Man
For the "can I just say "got it" and move on" question, match their energy. If they seem nervous, make sure they know you support them. If they're like me and just mention it offhandedly, then don't bring much attention to it because to them, coming out to you isn't a big deal.
this advice probably works well for a lot of things
Mhm this. Exactly. I didn’t know how to put it myself but when I told my mother I’m Pan I was absolutely freaking out. It was 10 at night and I finally said it because I felt absolutely suffocated keeping it secret but I was terrified because she’s said some questionable things in the past (super proud to say she’s come very far since I came out a couple years ago) and her response was just “oh, ok.” and I choked on my cereal like, 3 times and it took me 10 minutes to eat it because I lost my appetite. I had no clue how she _actually_ felt and on top of my nerves it was making me feel worse. In comparison when I told her I’m nb it’s because my ex had called me their boyfriend and it made me so happy I had to share it with her. I just said “I gotta tell you this so you better get cool with some stuff quickly. called me their boyfriend earlier and I’m still buzzing about it.” clarified to her that I don’t care what pronouns people use for me and then we both went back to our work. I’d already changed my name months prior and had hated my deadname for years. I don’t think she was actually surprised. But because I already knew she’d accept me, a casual coming out and response was perfectly fitting because it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
Damn this is long, my apologies.
Yeah, it can be really awkward to just have mentioned it, often because they guessed your gender wrong, and they gush about how brave you are to have told them. Like if I say "Actually I'm non-binary" and continue on with the conversation without missing a beat it's clearly not a big deal to me. Like it's not surefire, cause I did have someone get mad at me for replying to "I'm asexual" with "Cool, me too" because apparently I interrupted their telling me the definition. 🤦
When a friend of mine came out to me I totally did NOT match her energy. She rambled on about wanting to tell me something very difficult and that she was afraid our friendship might change and so on. I had no idea where this was going but because of this nervous energy from her I imagined something really bad like, idk, her having cancer or something. And then she said she was gay. I was so relieved that is wasn't something bad that I just said "So what?" After a second of shock she started laughing fullheartedly and asked "Really? That's your reaction?" We talked about it in more detail and she was so relieved and happy that I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just acted like I always did with her, told her that she was still the same person and that I will OF COURSE still be her friend and support her.
Telling her friends was a really big deal to her, because she didn't know how we would react. I understand that. But to me it really didn't (and still doesn't) matter. I befriended her because of her character, not because of her sexuality! Our other friends reacted in a similar way (just shows one aspect of why we all get along so well) :)
When I told my boss, who is a gay woman, that I intended to transition, she took that information so well. She reacted in such a wonderful, calm, and supportive way. No fuss made. Just supportive. Then, she explained her oldest friend is a trans man. I love my job. 😊
aw that's so lovely to hear 😭
that's awesome! i'm so happy for you!
She did so ill intentionally to see you destroy your own life, probably she hates you
To the person feeling a little hurt by being the last to know (or anyone like them) I am openly bisexual and my husband and I have made it clear to our kids that sexuality isn't an issue. It still took my son about 9 months to tell me because he was slightly embaressed by HOW he came to realize he was omnisexual. It wasn't bad, jst something he wanted to be able to articulate better than just 'I saw this video and..." He wasn't ashamed, he told me he knew it would be fine, but it was about HIM being comfortable. and I 100% agree. Take a breath and just show your support. You never know the details of why they waited, but in the end that won't matter as long as you show up for them from here on out
@@cristiangaban960 I dont know what to say to you other than dont look for reasons to be mad where there are none. If someone wants to identify as pan or bi or omni, it doesnt matter, you know what it means
@@MakoTheMano my son, he clarified the bi/onmi one, likes your user name LOL
@@miciarokiri5182 woohoo 😍😍😍😍Also kinda living off the fact that the person I replied to deleted their comment
holy shit i feel this way too hard
On the last to know thing, I have a somewhat different interpretation. When I was in my 20's a coworker came out to me and another coworker as lesbian. The next day I came to work to find that our boss had found out and outed the lesbian coworker to everyone on the crew and to some customers. So to me the aunt being the last to know, and the dad telling the aunt, is the dad outing his daughter like an idiot.
_cis_ is a Latin prefix and has been around for more than two thousand years. The Romans talked about two 'Gauls' - Gallia Cisalpina (this side of the Alps, what is now northern Italy) and Gallia Transalpina (the other side of the Alps).
The Romans got the words from good old Indo-European. _Cis_ comes from *kis, meaning "this (here)", and _trans_ comes from *trhents, meaning "through, throughout, over". And that's as far back as we can trace it.
Cool!
Yeah, I don't get why some people are upset about it. When I first read "cisgender" I was delighted, because it immediately made sense to me and I like that in a new word. Particularly pleased that both "cis" and "gender" are from latin, I'm not a big fan of mixing origins (like "television").
Definitely more sensible than words like "straight" or "homophobic", I give it a 10/10.
l agree + appreciate discovering the😊 origin of the word cis. Thank you!
As a queer linguist, I appreciate your comment. :D
Holy crap that's so interesting!!!! I like how you used examples.
About liking lgbt people more than straight people, I can say this. Back a while ago I still thought I was straight and I was mostly palling around with a group of gay guys. And truth be told, I liked them more. I was more comfortable with them. They never gave me the feeling that I didn't belong with them, either. They teased me for being straight, but in a good natured way that actually made me feel like I belonged. They never made me feel that I was somehow a lesser person because I was identifying as straight. I've continued to feel this, I feel at home in the LGBT community. I'm bi now, so maybe it makes more sense, but I'm just more comfortable in that world. It's not just that I'm bi, it's that I feel more free to be myself, in all ways. I feel like I'm suffocating in ordinary society, but when I'm in LGBT spaces I feel like I can breathe again.
Well, I as a cishet have always hated heteronormativity and always felt good and at home in queer-friendly spaces, like you said. That "accepting atmosphere" is their whole point. But I would never even think of judging a person by the fact if they are cishet or queer. I know many cishets who feel the same way and also prefer queer-friendly spaces, while there are for example gay people who are transphobes. Not to be mean, but I get the feeling that you're a little prejudiced.
Toxic masculinity?
they converted you.....
@@Nick-bo1gl are you serious? I'm SO TIRED of hearing this. Your sexuality can't change, if it could we would all be 'converted' by all of the straight movies, TV shows, etc that COMPLETELY outshadow queer media everywhere. And the only thing in the SLIGHTEST that could've been them 'converting' OP is very LIGHTLY teasing them for being straight in a queer inviornment. Look it up before you comment, please. ☺😚
?@@cheezbiscuit4140
I really hate that a lot of people say asexuals aren't LGBT
same with Aromantics! The A standard for both of them since they both are a tight community
@@CrazyCreator04 and the ace spec and aro spec because they count!
@@CrazyCreator04 Yup! I'm glad someone understands what the A is for!
Yes I swear we are the a does not stand for ally being a decent human being should not be represented in the LGBTQIA+ community
Exactly! Sexuality is about who you feel sexually attracted to! Feeling attracted to little to no-one is a sexuality!
I get bothered by the trans stereotype that if you weren't feeling or expressing dysphoria by a certain age that that means you're faking or falling for a trend. I'm not able to get people to believe me often times without telling them how early I started saying that I wanted to change my body (6 for me) and I hate that my experiences now and from the more recent years can't just be seen as valid on their own. Not all trans people start feeling dysphoric at the same age and I wish that was talked about and accepted more.
Many trans masc people only feel strong dysphoria once they start puberty because that’s when the external sex characteristics develop. But people use that to invalidate them as most people only know about trans women who “have always known”
Agreed! 👏 There's so much intrinsic social programming that goes on around sex, gender & attraction, it totally makes sense to me that some people only start to figure things out much later in life?!
People vary so much in experience, biology & psychology, too. Of course their experiences are going to vary as well! Sad that this is used by some to try & invalidate your and other people's experiences...? 😢
To add onto this:
It's still prevalent in pop psychology to say that childhood experiences shape adult sexuality.
Sure, this is true to a degree, but it means there are hundreds of thousands of people who can't be sure about their own identity bc psychology suggests it's the result of trauma.
Does it matter why a person is queer or trans or whatever?
Does a trauma-induced queerness mean anything separate from "regular" queerness?
And what's up w psychology pinning shame on us for being ourselves? I thought that age was over.
And the people who think if you aren't out by five you can't be trans even if you've been dysphoric as long as you can remember. Like yeah, I can't imagine why my ultra sheltered conservative Catholic upbringing didn't give me the words to express myself. Like I hated my body, described puberty as hell, wished I could get rid of puberty, and wanted a breast reduction at the ripe old age of 11 when I barely had a chest. But because I didn't learn the words till later I apparently can't be trans. 🙄
i'm a trans man, and i felt social dysphoria from a very young age, but i only felt body dysphoria after i started puberty
and i've felt that "you didn't feel like you were 'in the wrong body' young enough" bit, a lot
often external, sometimes in a self-invalidating internal way
I’m autistic, aroace and non binary. One of my friends came out to me as ‘I think I might be bi’. Apparently, my response was the funniest, because I just shrugged and started talking about the mandalorian. Like, okay, cool, but I like Star Wars. Sometimes the most accepting you can be as just not really seeing anything change.
I’m autistic too. 37 and I still have no idea what label put on me. I went to therapy for trans issues between 20 and 24 but they decided I wasn’t trans and I got my Asperger’s diagnosis instead and depression diagnosis. The thoughts have never gone away though about 15 years later. I’m married to a cis woman but while I’m mostly attracted to women I can be attracted to men too but it’s rare. Mostly I’m attracted to a female body with curves but male genitalia. My wife is ok with it and things it’s super hot even if I’ve never been with anyone but her she likes to pretend using sex toys. I find femboys, cross dressers, lady boys, she males etc very attractive but I’ve never been with anyone but my wife so I can’t say for sure how I would react. My wife is ok with me not being super into the female genitalia. She says it’s not everyone who likes the look of it and not all straight women like the look of penis either. I’ve mostly just accepted that I’m male these days but the thoughts never go away and I always play female in games. I like playing games where you get to dress up and be pretty but IRL I don’t care about clothes at all and can wear a 10 year old t shirt that my wife wants me to throw away because it’s almost falling apart. I don’t hate myself like most trans people seem to do when they get dysphoria but I don’t really like myself either. But I could never look as good as a woman as I would like to anyway IRL so I stick to creating characters in video games. Sorry for the rant but since you also have autism maybe you have some insight? I haven’t really talked much about this since my therapist “fired me” by declaring me cured over a decade ago.
@@wertywerrtyson5529 beinng trans isn’t about hating yourself. You can be happy in a body and still be trans. Don’t let the thought of being unattractive stop you from being the happiest.
Instead of thinking about other people and being attractive if you transition and stuff- just stop. In the apocalypse, if you were living alone, with no judgement, with no societal pressures, what would your body look like.
I'm autistic too and I love star wars! Someone I know (who used to gaslight and guilt trip me a lot) came out as a lesbian and expected a lot from me after she treated me like shit lol
Obviously I accepted her, but I didn't really react and she said I was being extremely homophobic even though I'm ace pansexual ftm 💀 My best friend also came out to their mum as omnisexual and she supported didn't really react! When I come out I don't want my family to make a big fuss over it, I just want people to know :)
hello fellow aroace and non-binary person‼️
Hi, i am autistic.
The stereotypes that annoy me the most are bi people being seen as greedy and trans people blowing up at someone when we get misgendered. Also the "we can always tell".
OMG yes, that weird erroneous belief that trans people are somehow like pod people & instantly recognizable! (As if one should need to do so anyway 🙄)
It's so completely dismissive of the diversity of cis women, not to mention super-binary & transphobic. And it's leading to some damn weird incidents where people are getting harassed for just not meeting somebody else's idea of the gender binary... 🤬
Yeah, the "we can always tell" crowd CANNOT TELL!! Every person who's told me this has told me they have "proof" because I am obviously a man pretending to be a woman. I'm AFAB. 🤦 And wasn't binding any of the times (and I have an unfortunately large chest).
@@waffles3629 I've had that too. Here's the responses I've had:
"YWNBAW"
"Fake man"
"Are you a boy or girl?"
And more.
I'm also AFAB (intersex too) and they can't tell. I've even had people on Twitter be like, "You are a creepy middle aged man with an underwear fetish". Weird.
And also a transphobe called me weird because I have wholesome anime pics on my account and they said weird things. One of them was called "Chicken Queen" and the other was "Keith" with lots of numbers. Keith said he'd "contact the FBI for suspected child exploitation" among other things.
Fr!
About "we can always tell": Recently met an artist I really like, never even questioned that he was a guy till he mentioned his upcoming top surgery in his blog X)
Never understood why care so much about someone's gender and pronouns, just be nice omg👺
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo Cringelord
As a non binary person who likes fun hair, the "blue haired non binary snowflake" stereotype annoys me to no end
SAME omg, Im non-binary and I really want to dye my hair different colours like blue, but people associating it with that stereotype is the only thing that makes me hesitate about dying it :(
I'm not nb, but I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating that stereotype is... sorry frens!
@ieatkidsthatannoyme6148 Do it!!! Mainly for yourself of course, but also to pisś off people that don't accept you :)
@@1991LMR ur right!
I don't dye my hair because it's so much effort to me... But I appreciate the effort and aesthetics of people who do dye or style it!
Tbh I'm blander than stale bread but that won't magically change my sexuality to "straight".
For the "cisgender" question, I love to use an analogy with the Deaf community. In the US, uppercase-d Deaf means you're a part of the Deaf community, while lowercase-d deaf just means you're medically or legally deaf. Deaf culture is unique and different from mainstream/hearing culture, the same way queer culture is from cishet culture. I asked one of my sign language teachers once, does anyone ever use uppercase-h "Hearing", and they said no, because hearing people don't think of themselves as hearing, just as being "normal". There isn't an identity or culture attached to being hearing because in most societies hearing people are the vast majority, so they don't even have to think about it. It's the same with cisgender people. The reason we might feel weird about it is because we don't consider ourselves to have any unique cisgender-specific culture or identity, so how could we be given a label for it? But it this case it's just a descriptor - it's not uppercase-c Cisgender, just lowercase-c cisgender. We're a vast majority that doesn't have to think about how we're cisgender, and that's a privilege we *should* have a label for.
Do you have any evidence that gender even exists in a sense that can be applied to an individual, but separated from their biology?
I love the term "hearies" for hearing people. I'm not Deaf (or deaf), but I've seen Deaf writers use it and I'm like... that's neat. There should be a term for us. We are a little odd.
I guess I'm showing my age / background by saying that I hate the stereotypes of "oh you must love Eurovision" or "you must love the Pet Shop Boys" or whatever. I've never liked any "scene" of any kind, and often find the main Pride events exhausting and nonrepresentative of my experience. Then I found the neurodivergent / disabled LGBTQIA+ community, and everything made a lot more sense!
the "you must love Eurovision" just brings that one particular song to my mind
"There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seein'?
[What are we seein'?]
Is he gay?
[Of course he's gay!]
**Or European?**" [There! Right There! from Legally Blonde: The Musical]
i haven't heard a non-euro ever mention eurovision, at all.
As a pansexual woman with ADHD, I can so, 💯%, totally relate to this!
Neurodivergent queer person here, I thoroughly enjoy junior EuVis....
I had no idea about the Pet Shop Boys stereotype... I'm trans and happen to like them 😂 ☠️☠️☠️
ye i have autism, hyperlexia, dyscalculia, tics, severe vision loss, critical heart defects.
and i'm genderfluidflux and bisexual! i'm the only queer person in my family and also the only one with like cursed genetics.
and ye its tiring when people assume i like certain shows or certain things just because i am queer.
but then i joined a neurodivergent+disabled LGBTQ+ community and met some great people there who i share alot in common with :D
I had a co-worker who had a tantrum over being called cis because her gender is “straight, not cis,” and that she felt cis was a derogatory term… And then in a heartbeat she admitted to me that she does shrooms.
I love crazy people
What does doing shrooms have to do with her being an underdeveloped idiot?
Tbf, the term cis sucks.
The irony because the term cis gets slung around as if it is a insult....
ah yes, the straight gender
@@piiinkDeluxe When I use the term, I tend to explain it to people that I am using it as a way to clarify the difference between me and women who were born as women. Some people like to claim that it's transpeople's way of using "othering language" which it obviously isn't, it's just a word used for clarity in discussions about transpeople because it would get confusing very quickly otherwise, especially for people who are not yet up to standards with the subject at hand.
Sometimes, I explain it by using an example of how it would be really confusing if in a story, there would be 4 people having the same first name, and the difference would not be made by using the characters last names in order to know which of the people the story is talking about.
I think it's worth noting that cisgender is just a very convenient word to have, as simply saying "not trans" will also include some nonbinary/agender/etc people who don't identify as trans.
As an asexual it's always hard to have the LGBTQA+ community exclude us. Especially if we are in a heteroromantic relationship. I get it a lot at Pride festivals and it's always confused me to be excluded from a community that's so openly accepting of others. I know bisexuals get this a lot too and they are in the original alphabet! So sad and kind of annoying. But thank you for doing videos about us too! It always means a lot to me to see them.
I’m so sorry that’s happened to you. I’m aroace, and yeh being excluded from the community sucks. Just remember that you are completely valid in the community, and whoever thinks otherwise are bigoted arseholes. Be proud of who you are
i totally get you. Even today, people still think we are broken and also not part of the community. For some reason, they even think the A in the longer acronym stands for ally?? like, um, no. It's for all the a-umbrella terms, like agender, aromantic and asexual.
I am sad about the thinks i had to hear when i told them I am ace, and also the "jokes" some made. I was at a pride parade once and was a little sad that i only saw a few aces/ aroaces. I bet there were more but they didnt show it
My sister is asexual heteroromantic, and I have had to reassure her that she is a part of the LGBT+ community multiple times. I'm sorry that people are excluding you, and I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry that a community based on accepting those who are different from the " norm" still discludes you. Its really sucky and i wish there was more we could do to change that. I think allot of it is not understanding. I'm pan and I sometimes feel like people tell me that it "doesn't count" because I've typically been in relationships with men, but I still see way more inclusion and understanding of bi/pan people than of asexual and aromantic people. Its crazy to me how many people I've heard literally saying that ace people don't exist, that adults with no sexual desires are "broken" somehow. I admit that I had a hard time understanding the concept of being ace and specifically being ace AND having a specific orientation. It didn't occur to me that people would have a preference when they didn't have sexual attraction. Luckily a very patient woman explained what it meant to her to be ace, how she went about romantic relationships, and other silly questions I had. I know it's different for everyone but just having a very open conversation with her helped me to have a better understanding and to realize that ace people can still have healthy romantic relationships so naturally may have a gender preference for who that date. It didn't work out with her as at that time I needed more of a physical relationship than what she would have been comfortable with but I'll always be greatful that she was willing to have such an intimate conversation with me. It's nobody's job to educate others but when someone is comfortable sharing their experiences with others it sometimes helps them empathize better. Hopefully with more visibility of ace and aro people there will be more inclusion. I apreciate that Jamie and other content creators sometimes share relatable memes or information about LGBT+ topics that don't necessarily affect them. I also like onetopic, he's cis/het and does allot of videos related LGBT+ topics. Sorry for the rant. Have a lovely day!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that. As a bi woman who’s engaged to a cishet man, I can relate a bit. Just know you’re part of the community and are valid and accepted 💜
i'm still sort of confused about my sexuality but i know i get so offended when someone assumes i'm straight
Hope you figure it out ❤
Good luck! And remember you don’t need to label it if you don’t want it to
Good luck figuring it out, I hope you find a label you like
And if you choose to use no labels, that's ok too
everyone is so nice here i here i can't 😭 love you guys
There's no rush to figure it out, take the time you need in figuring out and if you don't find a label that's completely OK too ❤ It's like a family here too except for when the phobics show up - their voices are drained out though so no need to panic
A misconception that bothers me is the idea that people who are aro/ace don’t form meaningful relationships.
Why do so many people forget that platonic relationships exist?
When I told my stepmom that I’m aro/ace, her response was “So you want to grow old and alone?”.
What sort of thing is that to say to someone in high school?!
You👏can👏have👏relationships👏that👏aren’t👏romantic👏or👏 sexual
@@misterglo1394 Thank you for your reply! And that interaction was around 9 years ago! I was able to communicate how her words impacted me, and I know that she wasn’t being malicious.
Her relationship with my dad saved her from a life of addiction, so she can’t imagine a good life without that relationship.
@@lucybrimstone3193 oh good, I’m glad things got better for you
@@martind2520 why is this a reply to my comment?
@@lucybrimstone3193 It shouldn't have been, I apologise.
i'm asexual but idk how to tell my parents bc they will say i'm not and i'm "woke". what do i do???
imo you dont really need to tell them that
@friendlyneighbourhoodsloth i am
If they ask for grandkids get pets and tell them the pets are their grandchildren
Tell them when/if you feel comfortable enough to do so.
Sorry, I’m not good coming up with advice
Try phrasing things in terms that they'll most likely understand, even if you have to technically lie in order to do so. Or just don't come out at all. It's not always worth it.
When i was at collage I had a large group of friends both friends from class but others. Was a mix of straights and non. It was weird because the LGBTQ lot sort of homed in on each other it was if someone stuck up a huge rainbow flair and screamed "Where here."
The first person I came out to was my straight friend from school, she was great, we'd go out and meet up with her mates and she'd always introduce me as "This is Dan my gay friend."
I said to her "one day you'll say that to the wrong person and I'll get smacked."
She looked me in the eye and said "Any of my other mates say or do anything then they can f right off."
She got me to come out to my mum she said "Although I can't understand what its like for you I do know that your mum loves you and will support you no matter what."
She was right, my mum accepted me for me. I came out at 21 I'm now 44.
Being around straight people can be worrying as you never know how they are going to be with you, if their going ti ignore it or worse. My mum use to own a toy stall in one of those indoor markets. 99% of people were totally fine but then you had that 1% which were not. I remember a new stall opened up next to ours and the guy that ran it made me a little nervous as he was your typical straight guy. So when he asked if I went out on the weekends and I said yer, he asked where and I told him. He looked at me and said "Oh the gay pub." His face was dead pan serious when he spoke.
All the hairs on the back of my neck went up and flight or fight kicked in however he then smirked at said "Ah I may run into you there over the weekend as I've been looking for a new place to drink."
My jaw hit the floor and I then had to ask. why a gay bar and his answer was they always seem nice relaxed and friendly sure he got guys hitting on me but he took that as a compliment.
Sure enough I bumped into him there at the weekend, we chatted I intorduced him to the guys who owned the place.
Gaydar is so very real!
Saying “this is Dan my gay friend” to introduce you to people really rubs me the wrong way. Even though she said she wouldn’t tolerate homophobia, it’s still outing you to new people without your consent and it could put you in danger, like you said.
@@salamanda11 I said to her how about I introduce to you people as "This is my friend Terry she's on wheels?"
She looked at me I then pointed out being gay was not the only interesting thing about me, would be odd if I intorduced all my straight friend as this is so an so my straight friend. I told her to think more before she decided to out me to her friends.
After we talked about it she apologised and said she hadn't really thought about it and promised she'd stop doing it and she did.
So when she'd introduce me I was Dan and we'd chat onceI had gotten to know them and felt okay about it I'd come out if the subject came up. As to me sure Im gay but thats not the only thing about me.
We'd be asked where we knew each other from. I got asked what was the strangest discussion we had ever had and that was when I talked about me coming out to her. ( the storry was rather funny). I'd then get the double take and get the "your gay you don't look gay?"
"What do gay people look like" is my normal reply.
Whilst my mate is sitting there trying not to loose her temper at her friend. She failed and I rember one time she called one of her friends an arse for the stupid comment.
@@thebestwillow indeed it is. It was soo strange how we just found each other.
@@user-PuppyDan I’m glad she was cool when you talked to her about it! Sounds like an ally that just didn’t get why what she was saying was kind of inappropriate.
My worst lgbt+ stereotype is that we all try and force our identities onto others and shove it down their throats and demand that they like bow down to us or smth
Like no we're just speaking out more lol
Oof. Yeah, if we're not silent & invisible, then naturally that means we're yelling and aggressive 🤮 Such a common invalidation tactic across the field when it comes to challenging statuses quo! And completely ignoring the way pop culture & hegemonic normativity shoves a LOT of ideas down EVERYBODY'S throats... 🤦🏻♀️
@Myuunium Fr fr
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Fr though like- and a lot of religions get forced upon us too
LGBTQIA+ folk are simply more visible and outspoken now because you are all refusing to feel shame for simply being who you are. You are demanding rights that lots of bigots don't think you deserve and there's nothing wrong with that. More power to all LGBTQIA+ folk
@@lexxxxx3815 I think that's exactly where they got the "forcing" part of lgbt+ from. They were just never allowed to make their own opinions on world around, so they presume everyone has someone telling them what to think and what to do.
A few weeks ago (or like two months ago) the memory of who I think was my bisexual awakening popped up in my head. It was a character from the Pixar movie Ratatouille. No, it wasn’t Collette, it was Anton Ego’s mum in the flashback from when he was a child. Because I remember saying “She’s really pretty”.
My bisexual awakening was Sidon from Zelda BOTW
Maybe my mind is just warped but when I read the first part of that, I thought you were going to say that remy was your awaking lol.
@@liampemberton9320I had a massive bisexual panic with sidon and his wife sona
My bisexual awakening was Musa from Winx Club
I thought she looked very beautiful and years later I realized lol
My pan awakening was Meg from Disney's Hercules.
Just thought I was gay up to then.
“LGBTQ stereotypes that annoy you” I personally really hate when fandoms/communities give characters/people sexualities depending on their personality. Like bubbly people are pan, mean women are lesbians, mean guys are cished, etc. That makes it feel like there is a choice or rather that it’s depending on your personality what you are attracted to and how you identify
Fr tho, especially when those same people get angry at other people for not agreeing with their headcannon. Probably my least favourite thing in fandom culture, and it ends up coming across as just pushing stereotypes anyway
@@HellBent_ for me I’ve never enjoyed gender/sexuality headcannons, I prefer to stay as close to canon as possible, I would never shame or harass someone for my preference, though. But I do agree it gets pretty annoying when “oh yeah *insert character who happens to be gay* is my uwu gay smol bean U^U and if you don’t agree I’ll send you death threats 😊” I used to be in the mha fandom and what they did to izuku was beyond flanderization at that point.
@@Totallynotredtail You just brought up dark memories of my time in the academia fandom lol, it really was one of the worst I've ever been in.
Also that's fair, I only find myself accepting headcannon in situations where there is no cannon or something is heavily implied but not stated. But yeah agreed, I never ever force that onto other people, cause at the end of the day it's headcannon, by definition it is not cannon
@cantin8697 100%. Experience this first hand as an aro-ace who happens to also enjoy being flirty and forward with people. People already treat us like we don't exist or are just lying about it even within the lgbt community but it's even worse when you don't fit the stereotype
I understand your view of cishet people. I'm a geek, and most of my friends are geeky. It's not that I'm nervous around non-geeky people, but I know they won't understand that part of me in the same way. As a cishet guy, I know I'll never understand LGBT+ issues in the same way as somebody who's lived it.
as both a geek and a neither-cis-nor-het, your analogy very much checks out
As a fannish queer, yeah, you're right in saying that. I don't think it would be to the same extreme as the wariness with queerness, but I understand wariness that people will find you strange or be mocking, etc.
@@blazelightshine2311 Oh, it's definitely not nearly the same scale. The hate some people have for being LGBT is spine-chilling.
@@philopharynx7910 Oh naturally, I was complimenting you that you acknowledged that in your original comment.
@@blazelightshine2311 yeah I sometimes get too defensive from wading into less-nice comment threads. :) But thank you.
I always questioned myself until I found this channel. Thank you for helping me feel seen and understood as a trans man. ❤
good job finding yourself out friend! :D
i'm so happy for you
❤
Thank you all so much ❤️
Good job figuring it out
The stereotypes that annoy me the most are the “all gay guys are feminine” and “all lesbians are masculine”
I’m a hyper-feminine girl and I have always been. I “look straight” to most people and while I guess it’s nice to avoid hate crimes and stuff, it’s really annoying that even though I have pride pins and stuff on my bags/lanyards, everyone just assumes I’m straight.
Likewise, I have a straight friend who “looks queer” and everyone assumes that she isn’t straight.
I agree. I’m a straight girl but I like the “flamboyant” or “gay/bi looking” guys, “effeminate” guys, and I really hate the stereotype that all gay guys must be effeminate and that the person who looks effeminate? Oh that guy must be gay, if not then at least bi,
Like, no that’s so stupid to stereotype anyone like that. lol .
I frequent the r/amiugly subreddit and I have seen now two encounters where a guy was called “effeminate” and “you look gay” which I called out but got massively downvoted, and the guy wasn’t even gay lol.
And yes the same goes for “but you don’t look straight” so annoying. I know i should frequent that subreddit for my own sake, but I frequent it for others sake. It’s not as awful as other similar subreddits but can get wild-toxic too.
It has transphobia too. And there are also comments like “you look trans” as well.
Edit: made a little error, ment to say “but you don’t look gay” (instead of straight) 😅
✌️🌸
A friend of mine almost got gatekept out of a gay pride speed dating event because he "didn't look gay enough". Everyone there was dressed in full "flamboyant gay" stereotype getup, and a handful of them independently came up to him and asked him to justify his choice of clothing, because he looked "too normal".
You're not even safe from those stereotypes when surrounded by its victims, ffs
@@readyforlol not op but, yes very annoying indeed. :/ probably frustrating even.
A lot of shows seem scared of doing any representation at all and always resort to that type of stuff.
@@TJ-hg6op Yeah, it just gets really annoying bc it perpetuates the “who’s the man/woman in the relationship” stereotype
I'm homoromantic ace, and to the point where I've removed all mention of my being associated with the LGBT+ community from my social media due to the sheer level of hate we get.
So I can agree that there is a lot of distrust for anyone who isn't LGBT+ as well. The sheer volume of hate is exhausting.
You have the trans movement to thank for that. Thanks to them we have male rapists identifying into women’s prisons without hormones or surgery, we have males on female sports teams, we have males in female-only spaces like bathrooms, locker rooms, changing rooms, gyms, spas, even rape shelters. Women in homeless shelters have been raped by men larping as women to gain access. We have the destruction of our language and the erasure of women as a protected class in law. Title IX has been rewritten to place gender identity above biological sex. Title IX was created to protect the sex-based rights of women and girls and now males who “identify” as such are at the top of the food chain. Lesbians are literally being kicked out of LESBIAN BARS for stating that they don’t like dick. They’ve been kicked out of LESBIAN PRIDE marches for holding signs that say the same. A female-only lesbian conference in London was literally smoke-bombed by furious TRAs while the police watched on, and women were accosted and physically assaulted on their way out of the event. A conference on FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION was loudly picketed by pissed men in dresses for *gasp* being female-only. In science journals and medical schools women are being called “cervix-havers”, “uterus-owners”, “bodies with a vagina”, “black birthing bodies”, “menstruators”, “chest-feeders”, “bleeders”, etc. TRAs weren’t satisfied with taking the word woman from us - they’re trying to take the word female as well and are actually teaching kids in schools that female is a “gender identity” and not a sex.Women who campaign for sex-based rights are physically assaulted at rallies. A 72 year old woman in Auckland was punched in the face and had her eye socket broken by a furious TRA at a Let Women Speak event. There’s an entire internet archive of the thousands of rape and death threats that women who are critical of gender ideology receive from violent men. Schools are taking classes on field trips to DRAG SHOWS without parental permission or knowledge. “Family-friendly” drag shows now feature men in dresses with fake blood on their crotches, throwing tampons into the audience of children. The rights of sex offenders are prioritized over those of women and little girls who don’t want to see a grown man’s erect cock in the women’s locker room. The rights of heterosexual males with fetishes to access female safe spaces are prioritized over the rights of women and girls to have privacy.
When the entire trans movement ends in a Jonestown-esque mass suicide/massacre, all I’ll be able to say is…”mental hospitals served a purpose”.
@@transwomenaremalefalse, move along
The stereotype that all lesbians are mean and angry bothers me. Yeah some of us are, I am sometimes but like it’s obviously not universal
My dad thinks there all attention seeking.
But he doesnt think they are lesbians for attention.
Im confused .like dank
@@Ivory-f5bI'm a lesbian... So I can date women... Hmmmm.
It's not my fault if we're the life of the party
More relevantly perhaps: sometimes lesbians have a reason to be angry or mean.
@@jewels3400 my guess hes just joking .(but it wouldnt surprise me if he wasnt)
Absolutely rooted in misogyny and patriarchal butthurt, tbh.
Clearly any woman who isn't always agreeable and sweet is, logically, one of those angry hateful lesbians, right? 😂😅😢
For that first one: first of all, labels aren't necessarily important. If he doesn't wanna label himself cuz he isn't sure, that's totally fine. It's also why "queer" is such a good word because it can be all-encompassing for people who aren't entirely sure who they are right down to the specifics, but just know they aren't cis and/or heterosexual. Second of all, if he's attracted to trans women that have had vaginoplasty, along with cis women and his pre-op trans man friend while fully seeing him as a man, I'd say he's bisexual with a genital preference. Which is completely okay.
I'm a straight trans woman, most of my friends are other queer people who knew me before I transitioned and we have a lot of dumb fun about me being straight now. We treat it like I got a promotion or they joke like I abandoned the gays or something like that.
I could see how from the outside it could appear as kind of mean, but I think what cishet people are feeling when they see it is that someone like them not being seen as part of the "in group." They probably aren't even cognizant of that being the feeling because they never experienced it before in regards to their sexuality which is probably something they never had to think about at all until now.
There's more nuances to it also, like a lot of queer humor comes from making light of the things that ostracize us from the rest of society, which again are things cishet people have the privilege of never having to think about or be aware of.
These jokes are also ways to both affirm my gender and still include me in queer spaces, as strange as that may sound. Because they poke fun at me being straight, it means they see me as a woman first, not just a trans person, so they act as if my social status is higher than theirs now to spite the reality that it actually isn't.
I'm not sure if I explained this well enough, so I encourage other queer people to elaborate on this if they feel like it.
I think it depends on the person, because for some straight trans people it may feel invalidating by ignoring the transphobia they face (because as we know transphobia is a lot more prevalent and often more violent than homophobia). And though you know your friends are joking about “abandoning the gays”, it is a popular TERF argument that trans people are transitioning to become straight and escape homophobia. So I imagine a lot of trans people don’t want to be reminded of that lol. But yes some people may find it funny or affirming to their gender so It’s different for everyone.
That's a good point! That feeling of being "other" might be quite alien to cis people in queer spaces, depending on how their other identities intersect...?
I think maybe the kind of humour you describe is a little bit like the "black humour" common amongst first responders, military personnel & others who deal with stressful situations on a regular basis? (A description which is also very applicable to being queer, still!) It can be quite off-putting to outsiders... And frankly in my experience it IS sometimes a bit dodgy and deserves challenging! We're not automatically without sin in excluding or othering people just because we're in a minority ourselves... 😏
FOMO
A stereotype that I’m pretty sure is something that all lgbtq+ people hear is that the way we are is a choice, which is simple not true. I myself am asexual and when trying to talk to people about it there is an initial belief on their part that it’s just something I have chosen to call myself because I’m scared or whatever. And then there is the typical “you just haven’t met the right one yet”, that I absolutely hate. I got that from my mom when I was trying to come out to her and I live in a very progressive country so it was a bit of a surprise. Luckily after slowly explaining things to her and using analogies to help her understand, she seems to have accepted me.
How old are you?
I’m a AroAce person and I personally hate it when people say we aren’t lgbt or that we can’t feel love, that we’re broken or that we haven’t found the right person yet. It annoys me sm🗿
Same. I'm not some emotionless robot, I love many people very deeply, just not sexually or romantically. And it's especially infuriating because I'm also trans and some people will still accuse me of "invading" LGBT spaces because "aroace isn't LGBT". LGB*T*!! It's right there!
I'm allo and lgbt, and, from my outside (of aroace) perspective, you guys are absofuckinglutely part of the community, and anyone who says you aren't is an idiot who i will fight
also, I've dated and been very close friends with ace and aro people, and I absolutely felt loved, so, again, those people don't know what they're talking about, will fight
Heck, if you're only aro or ace you're accused of not being able to feel love. I don't understand it
for the person asking about if "ok" is a good reaction to coming out:
try matching there energy. if they are excited be excited. if they are nervous be reassuring. if they are causal be causal. that way you don't hve to worry about coming off as cold of inderfrent
Very good advice!! Hopefully avoids sounding dismissive OR making it weird 😝
Unless the person is anxious, don't match anxiety energy 😅😛
@@Whirlbee Good point!! 🤣
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo care to spell check your vopy paste hatred?
I am coming to find I think I am currently bisexual, as when I started taking care of my mental health, I also started having weird feelings and thoughts about my male friend (who is pan). And sometimes when we drink we end up cuddling, and last time we drank and he left to go home, I was having physical cramps since I just wanted to continue to cuddle.
I also can't seem to stop thinking about him, and just have that feeling of wanting to cuddle with him. Doesn't seem straight to me but I am also emotional illiterate and confused.
I can relate to much of what you said! Are you neurodivergent, by any chance? That, plus internalized queerbhobia and your historically poor mental health, might've affected your perception of your own feelings. I know that from experience. If your feelings get too strong, you should ask to date your friend: you're really fond of him after all!
Aw, cute. Could be bi-romanticism? Depends on what "cuddle" means to you, exacly...
Sounds like you have a massive crush on this guy. So, I think you should tell him how you feel.
It might not be romantic or sexual but it certainly could be! You're the only one who can define what kind of or what you want from a relationship.
If you're emotionally illiterate, don't bother trying to describe your emotions. Stick to concrete, specific actions. You would like to cuddle with him for very long periods of time. In certain positions? Under a blanket or without? How about other actions, like kissing? Do you want to do that? Do you want to have a private dinner with him, as a special event, like, breaking out some decorations and making fancier food than normal? If you would like to do these things, great! Tell him, if there's a chance he might like to do them too, and continue to not label your relationship at all right up until some 3rd party asks you what you two are. Then, feel free to shrug and keep walking. Or use some nonspecific word like "soulmate" or "life partner" or whatever you need to to get them to shut it.
As long as you know what you want to do, you don't have to label anything. Labels are for the benefit of other people. As far as you're concerned, a fitting label can feel really really good and be an excellent thing, but it's not a prerequisite for being able to live the life you want to live.
I think LGBTQ are in many ways sometimes ostracized by our mostly cishet society. When we are around cishets, we fear that they won't accept us because of our queerness. But with other queer people, we don't have that fear and may feel more comfortable. Most of my friends are LGBTQ, but a few are straight, and they are incredibly accepting so I don't feel different about them. But queer people live in fear they won't be accepted by society, so they cannot share everything to cishets without coming out.
I recently came out as non-binary, and I feel that a good way to explain the fear of coming out to your parents is similar to that of proposing. If it goes well, it’s great, but if it doesn’t it can be terrible for the relationship that you value
This feels like a behind the scenes of LGBTQ+ and I love it. As a trans woman, some of these questions are a little more interesting to listen to. Good work Jamie
missed the opportunity to call it "The Straights Ask Queer Questions"
When I come out as lesbian, I fully expect an "oh, ok" sort of thing from most of my family and friends. From my friends I feel like that's fine, and same for my family mostly, but with them I don't want it to be *just* "oh, ok, moving on" (which would be a bit awkward) Which is why I plan to make a joke out of it by hiding in the closet at Thanksgiving.
that is a glorious joke, please let me know how it goes x3
(joke being the closet thing, this isn't meant to be malicious)
Don't worry, I could tell. Thanks for the clarification anyways :)!
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo cool, shut up
this person literally set up a bot and there’s a typo in every comment they made 💀💀💀💀
@@xXMindSoulXxJust report it for spam and or hate speech and move on.
13:35 this is so true. I'm ace and all of my friends are allo and it feels a little weird to hear them talking about wanting to have sex so bad because I've never had that desire myself, and it kinda makes me feel like the odd one out
I barely have friends so I don’t have that problem 👍
@@elstarnor4628 this made me laugh out loud, and they cry because I don't have any friends either.
Being aromantic asexual agender myself I always felt like I'm just trying to adapt to act human-like and failing it gracefully (I'm also AuDHD but this is out of topic)
@@SlothDaan same 😄
Just sorta like being close to another person you love but also wanting the two of you to experience the same pleasure feeling
unrelated but im nonbinary/transmasc (it/he/they) and these videos are some of my biggest comforts. my parents are super christian and homophobic (despite my brother being biace and out) and so it's just extra pressure for me to keep who i am hidden. i still have 2 more years at least until i can move out, accentuated by the fact i can't drive and don't plan on learning how to (hard time focusing on more than 1 thing at once- ie, all the different cars on the road) so i just feel so stuck. but these videos and all the nice comments under em always make me feel better, knowing that im not alone! so thank you all for that i guess LOL
edit: YALLLL IM GONNA CRY OMG ToT i love all you guys, youre the best
Fellow transmasc enby!! (I myself use any pronouns other than she/her)
I hope everything goes well for you, and you’ve got support here (and Bug hugs, if you’d like)
oh hello fellow they/he/it user with an unaccepting family !!!
You might consider getting evaluated for ADHD. If you have it, maybe you can get some kind of help with your driving skills, as well as anything else you're having trouble with.
I'm also enby/transmasc and use he/they/it who came from strict religious parents! About the driving thing, you could also save up for an electric scooter or bike and use that to get around too if you wanna avoid cars
i hope you can get out soon :(
I'm a trans masc person who uses they/them and he/him (tho it makes me happiest when I hear my friends use he/him) and I've been in a long term relationship with my cis male partner since well before I came out.
He has always said that he supports me and wants to stay with me, even after I started hormones. But there has always been this underlying discomfort I see from him whenever I would talk about my transition. He sometimes slips up and says thing that make it clear he would rather I stay feminine and sometimes those things really hurt.
He has told me he still identifies as a straight man and that he sees me as his "partner" but he has not ever seen me as, or would feel comfortable calling me his boyfriend. I don't mind being called "partner", I call him my partner too.... but I can't help but feel like his view of "partner" is actually just "my tomboy girlfriend" and not that I am I trans person on my journey towards the more masculine body that is right for me.
All relationships teach us more about ourselves and others.
I hope this one runs its course and ends well, if it does, which it might.
I hope you're seen the way you see yourself soon.
I fall under the cis straight umbrella. Once upon a time I had a crush on a "girl" who then came out as a trans man. I still had attraction for him as a girl and I could not imagine wishing to enter a relationship having that disconnect. If my attraction were nongendered I wouldn't have a problem. I also don't know how I would react if I was already in a relationship.
There's also the possibility he might have some sort of internalized homophobia. That might not be the right word but something tangentially related. It could be as benign as not wanting to take attention away from others. Or being uncomfortable due to just not fully understanding what's going on.
All in all, I'm not you, and I'm not him. I can only share my own experiences. I hope you reach something you are both comfortable with.
I’d recommend having a calm, non-yelling conversation about your concerns, and if you’re right, being willing to end that relationship that isn’t working, because either way, I think you’ll end up happier, either by being reassured of your partner’s support for your transition, or not being in a relationship with someone who is deeply uncomfortable with your transition.
Coming from a cis het man, if i was in a relationship with someone who came out as trans masc, i would also feel conflicted. i may still be romantically attracted but when he starts having a more masculine body, i think i will no longer be sexually attracted.
@@Sarah_Bragg this is a conversation we have had before actually! That was the same talk we had when he told me he still fully identifies as straight and doesn't see me as a "boyfriend". I told him then that I'm only going to continue to look and sound more masculine the longer I am on T and if he is no longer attracted to me, or if he's embarrassed to be seen with me and have his sexuality questioned, then it's fine if he wants to break up. I was surprised how calmly I was able to have that conversation, I normally cry at the drop of the hat trying to handle tough topics, but I was the one with dry eyes comforting him about it. Maybe I've already fully resigned myself that breaking up is a possibility in the future and so I don't feel the need to cry over it. I dunno. But he says that he loves me and wants to stay together. Things have been good, so I guess I will just enjoy what we have now and wait to see what happens in the future. I can't and won't force or guilt him to stay with me, if he won't like me when I've reached the point where I like myself, then it will be time for us both to move on.
As an ace person in a long term sometimes sexual relationship, the first one sounds to me like he could be finding he's pan/biromantic but still heterosexual. As long as he recognises his friend is a man then theres nothing wrong with the feeling, and as long as he's clear to his friend about them if something does come about then it's not unusual to have different romantic to sexual attractions
10:55 This one is interesting, because I am a cis guy, and I have a few friends who have come out as trans after I met them. From a cis perspective, I can see how being transgender should be accepted as normal, so my natural reaction would be to treat it as completely normal information, like "oh, cool" and move on, which (I think) comes from a place of acceptance. However, I also see how difficult it is to come out in today's society, and how brave they are for doing it, which is definitely worthy of praise.
Yeah, matching their energy is really the way to go. If someone is clearly anxious about saying it, telling them "oh, cool" is not gonna be received the same way as someone saying it as a passing comment.
Honestly when it comes to "hating" cis people, I could see how people read that, really easily.
One of the things I struggled with for YEARS, was wondering if I only thought that I wanted to be a girl because my online communities were just saturated with tons of "straight bashing" (for lack of a better term).
When I still identified as male, I would go into fandom spaces and just find them SATURATED in mockery that tarred all straight people or all men with horrible stereotypes and jokes, seeing people say men should be killed, or didn't belong in the fandom, or whatever else.
Even if they were clearly jokes, it's hard to not read SOMETHING into it when it's all you see day in day out.
Like I said, it delayed my being able to come out to myself for years because I didn't know if I was just desperate to fit in.
That’s why I stay out of LGBT spaces even though I’m bi and trans 💀. Hating on cishet people for existing is fucked up even if they aren’t oppressed for it like we are. I can’t make offensive jokes about cishet people because I refuse to say things I don’t mean (Probably the autism lol). People say that “making fun of your oppressors” is okay but that just pushes people away from being allys. And I would feel bad if I ever said anything hateful about cishet people that really hurt someone that is supportive of the LGBT community. No minority group can get anywhere without allys in the majority group so we need to stop alienating them.
Another reason is that my friends and schoolmates would make fun of white people constantly or talk about how stupid and ignorant they are and even though most of it was jokes, hearing it constantly from them and from the internet made me have a lot of self-hatred and I’m still struggling with suicidal thoughts from it. I would never ever want to do that to someone else.
@@thebuilder5271 Im the same way. the goal is making allys so why push them away? and even beyond that so many people are in the closet/questioning/have hidden struggles that by pushing away those that 'have it easy' your excluding ppl who could relate. tldr I agree why oh why cant people be nice!?
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo why do you replace all the i's with j's
@@thebuilder5271Not to mention, people who do that are also hypocrites, because we of all people should know better than to discriminate based on gender and sexuality :/
I get the same thing with girls bashing men in general. Like, I super get it, on the news you always see men being shitty, whether they're politicians or criminals or whatnot; many of those girls have a lot of bad experiences with men, catcalling, creepy dms, abuse, misogyny, you name it. It's the same with queer people bashing straight people. It's always the cishet straight politicians making new laws to fuck over LGBT's people lives, it's always the straight christian conservatives on social media who harass queer people telling them their gender identity isn't valid, that they're creeps and you know, you've probably heard it yourself.
You can say that "oh but not all men, not all cishet straight people" and like, they know it's true, but sometimes, even myself being all of those things, it does feel like it is all of us. It never stops hurting tho, like, as much as one gets it, it still hurts, like "oh but you're not like them" doesn't make you feel any better.
0:16 Jamie, your lighting game is on point with the new setup 👏🏽
17:16 My pet peeve is about the Gay Men stereotype where they do not seem to have an inner life apart from having female friends who are fascinated by them.
That’s so interesting, because there is also the stereotype of gay men being very sophisticated and discussing art and music and culture and maybe traveling the world.
@@grutarg2938ive never heard of that stereotype lol
@@grutarg2938 Yeah the idea that gay men have to be upper middle class+ or well versed, it's a common story that only nobility got to be flamboyantly queer, or that all interest in elegance or art or culture is a flamboyant trait, etc. and partly from the 'no kids just Yorkies' stereotype too. But certainly there can be conflicting stereotypes.
Even within the ally community, there is still way too much, "...but just not in MY family." Coming out is life changing and the fear of one of those changes being loosing relationships is very real.
Funny how "I'm just asking questions" usually follows/precedes some hateful, ignorant nonsense.
See also: "I'm not racist, but..."
And many of the questions asked here are cases in point, some being homophobic and some being transphobic.
Or they'll say no hate after it
And that's why people are afraid to ask questions.
@@ameliab324
I wish people were frightened of asking questions like that. Sadly, they aren't. People don't ask questions like that to learn or better themselves.
I'm going to assume/hope that your comment was ironic, though. I'm going to have faith that you're better than that.
But, how else are they supposed to learn if they don't ask these questions?
If it really is coming from a place of ignorance then I don't think they intend for it to be offensive, I do understand that the response is that it'll hurt, but won't it also be an opportunity to point out their problematic belief and hopefully set them in the path of betterment.
I do understand the issue of intentionally hateful things being protected under the guise of asking a question, but I'm mostly talking about the cases where it's just people being ignorant.
12:45 my sister gave that "i dont care at all whatever you do you" reaction after i spent a really long time preparing to tell her and i told her "hey, can you atleast give like a "i support you thank you for telling me!" or anything cuz that kinda hurt a bit considering i was so nervous" and then she blew up at me😐 so yeahh ik how sucky that can be but at the very least she doesnt hate me
My entire family had barely any reaction. No reaction does not, in fact, seem very supportive.
@@EmpressOfCatsup ik im a random person on the internet but i support you ✊✊and there are always ppl out there who will
The "I don't care" or "oh right" reaction is rightfully hurtful from people you care about, I feel!
A) You just took a significant risk being open with them - that courage deserves recognition, and
B) This is an important part of who you are, and if they really care about you as an individual, they should acknowledge that.
A lot of these "meh" reactions sound kinda passive-aggressive, maybe from people who aren't really as supportive or mindful as they like to think/pretend...? 🤔
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 yea my thoughts exactly
@Myuunium 10/10 comment
I'm trans fem and agender. I have lesbian grandmas on my mom's side and I haven't told them I'm trans. When I told them I like to wear dresses and skirts they told me it would take a little time not because they didn't support me, but that they have this image of me in their head and they need to remake that image. It feels too soon to tell them about myself completely. I've only told my partner and my closest friend. I plan on telling them in a year and a half, close to my 18th birthday. I can't even change my name or get HRT until then because we can't find my bio dad. what I'm trying to say is that no matter how close you are to someone, it's up to them when they tell you if at all. When they do, just be supportive
@@ajitadonismanilal9105 But when you don't you feel like you have a weighted suit on you all the time. I'm lucky enough to have two people I trust with everything and being with them makes me feel like I don't have that weight on
@@ajitadonismanilal9105 If it helps at all, you can always talk to me. Keep this comment chain open. If anyone tries to threaten us or insults us, I'll take care of it
The thing is is that (some) cishets get so upset over being called cis but it's a label just as ordinary as straight. They wouldn't argue "I'M NOT STRAIGHT YOU'RE MAKING WORDS UP". Cis means you're not trans, straight means you're not gay (attracted to the same sex in some way)
i have seen some people make the strange argument "I'M STRAIGHT NOT HETEROSEXUAL" so i kind of wonder if it's about people being uncomfortable with words with -sexual and -gender on the end (heterosexual, cisgender), because they feel like they're being "forced into having a sexuality and gender". which is cleeeearly something only the lgbtq+ community does
sort of like how some transphobic people deny pronouns entirely, because surely a "pronoun" could only belong to a transgender person, so obviously they would *never* use such a thing
(/s for some parts of this for clarity just in case)
@@elderflowerprince7559 the best one I've seen is "I'M NOT STRAIGHT I'M NORMAL!!!" 😂 Like IDK, maybe pick up a dictionary next time?
question 1: I think most of OP's feelings of confusion come from their need to have a label that describes theirself very closely. Labels can be helpful for finding people with similar experiences, but sometimes a label will describe some of your experiences but not others. When that happens, it's important to remember that labels are a tool for communication, not an arbiter of what sexuality is valid.
Often, there will be 10-dollar words or phrases which match better, but a more popular word like "straight" might be an easier route to giving someone a good enough idea of your experience. I know them identifying as "straight" while interested in a relationship with a trans person of the same gender may seem disrespectful in a way, but for what it's worth, I once new a trans woman who considered herself gay on account of only dating guys.
I see you as a role model, I'm a nonbinary adult and seeing trans people older than me living happy lives gives me so much hope.
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo ok
As a genderfluid transmasc, I'm really struggling with the opposite end of the first question. I know that there are those who would be attracted to me based on my exterior, but I am medically transitioning, I have dysphoria, and I kinda change. And when interacting with people who were just into women it always felt wrong, like they didn't see me for me, there was no genuine chemistry, and it's just so weird. And I just never know how to interact with people, because I know that I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone who wasn't into both men and non-binary people, both into what I look like now and into how I imagine myself to be. But how do I even go about that in dating?
Remember: everyone changes as they go through life. A strong and healthy relationship is one in which all participants are able to change and grow, in collaboration.
Firstly: don't even bother with people who state an interest in only men (whether they are men or women). It doesn't matter how much of a good faith effort they make, you will always be unsatisfied: because they simply are not able to have the same feelings about the different sides of you. Their brains are not wired for it, and nothing will ever change that. Seek out multiattracted people: bisexuals, pansexuals and omnisexuals. Second: be up front with people you intend to date that you are genderfluid, and in the midst of medically transitioning. Let them back out if they aren't ready to deal with that. But remember, this isn't some kind of weird thing: it's no different than someone having a job that will be hard on their partner. Third: talk about this kind of stuff with your partner, not just once but frequently. Keep the lines of communication open on your end, and don't be afraid to ditch them if they ever stop communicating. There are multiple billions of people in this world, statistics says some of them are dreaming about someone like you.
@@golwenlothlindel I mean, yes, I was referring to my changing gender, and while for other people gender might change as well, it doesn't seem to be this sort of reoccurring thing back and forth for a lot of others I think. I feel like the difficult thing for me is that I am not bisexual, and it kind of feels like... like I am expecting something from a person that I am not able to give in return, and like I want someone to identify as something while not being in the community of that. It just feels so weird.
OK this was like reading my journal.
Sounds weird, and oddly straight forward, but find someone(s) who is pansexual. I dated someone who said they were pan and then started physically transitioning and it did shit to my mental health. (I truly believe he is bisexual, now I understand the difference)
I'm now dating someone who is actually pansexual and the change in how it all feels is night and day.
Bi-romatic, I'm a bi-romatic lesbian. I would not have seggs with a man but I would date them. I think that is something you could identify with.
Only read if you have commented/ are going to:
Never thought I would be invalid to people of my own community as a person who got bullied for being queer. I don't want a new term when there are perfectly fine ones I can use. I am both sexually and romantically attracted to women but only romantically for men.
Please think about how many people are reading your comments and the different ways that they might sound because a lot of people are bullied/ have been bullied and find jammie to be a safe space. One of the first things he said was leave your judgment. Have a good night/Day.
This confuses me. Not being homophobic just confused. Please elaborate cuz i thought lesbian meant non-men attracted to non-men........
@@oblivionhinkley322 I'm not attracted men, sexualy but I am romantic. Sorry if that didn't help, it didn't tell me.
@@oblivionhinkley322romantic and sexual attraction aren't necessarily the same thing. OP is saying that while they can be attracted to men romantically, they can't sexually, thus biromantic lesbian.
@@oblivionhinkley322i think she means like she would only be attracted sexually to other women, but could date anyone, as romantic and sexual attraction can be different
Biromantic Homosexual maybe, but I dont know if she likes that label
@@oblivionhinkley322I think the easiest way to explain this is using the term “bi-romantic homosexual” to separate the romantic and sexual attraction to different genders
I suspect the first person might be biromantic, but heterosexual. Most cis/straight folks don't ever realize there's a difference between sexual and romantic attraction. Romantic is the interpersonal/emotional part that most people just assume is how you get to the sex part. But you can have one without the other.
I feel like for me it’s a similar feeling with cishet friends as it is for neurotypical friends. It’s not that I see them differently or don’t like them because of that aspect; there’s just a degree of separation from the lack of that shared experience. I can’t just start talking about those topics, I need to give context so they can understand, and that can make the interaction less genuine in a sense.
I had similar thoughts about being "the odd one out" - LGBTI+ disabled people spend a lot of our lives being in that position until we find our comrades (if we're lucky). It's not often you hear a cis-het man expressing the feeling of being othered. I hope it gives them some perspective and compassion for themselves and others.
But how has for example a cis lesbian had the same experience as a straight trans woman? I think I as a cishet woman would have more in common with the straght trans woman, bc we're both into men 🤔
I am so incredibly grateful to have found your videos. Before I stumbled upon them, I was in a really dark place. My dad had kicked me out and it felt like I could never be myself. I had even been considering unsubscribing from life. But then I found your video. You being so open and proud of your gender gave me the courage to be proud of my own. Knowing that you, and so many others, were out there supporting each other and embracing being their true self gave me the strength to keep going. Thank you so much for saving my life. Your videos have encouraged me to stand up for myself and my right to be who I am. I'm so thankful for the support you have given. You have helped me to find my true identity and to be proud of who I am. Thank you so much for supporting me, and everyone else, through your videos.
Im so glad that you and other youtubers are using the platform to bring awareness to LGBT+ people and the issues they face. I'm in my later 30s so quite a bit older than many others who watch this channel and can say that people didn't talk as much about LGBT+ issues when I was younger. As a kid I had vaguely heard of "sex change" but not the term trans (and certainly not of things like gender fluid or non binary) then later heard of gay, but not bi, pan, ace, ect. I was in middle school before i heard of being gay, and highschool before i heard of bi, didnt hear of pan (which is how i identify) until many years later. It was confusing because as a small child (and occasionally as a teen) i felt some gender disphoria (though i didnt know the word or have any way to describe it, all i could say at that time is that i wish i was a boy and maybe when im older I'll be one of those peoe who does a sex change), i was not/ am not trans, i think if I'd had the language for it then I likely would have considered myself to be gender fluid or gender non conforming in some way. And i remember feeling attraction to both boys and girls early in elementary school. I assumed all girls looked at other girls the way that i did but all i knew was heterosexuality so i ignored it. Later i learned that people could be attracted to tbe same sex but thought that didnt make sense in my case, i was attracted to boys so i assumed that was different to what i was but still didnt know that people could "like both". Eventually around age 14, i heard the term bi for the first time and it all made sense. I met a wonderful group of "outcasts" in highschool, mostly the other drama kids and art kids and we realized many of us were gay, bi, or questioning but didnt always feel comfortable coming out, or in some cases didnt have the language for it. A group of us actually started our schools GSA (gay/straight alliance) because we decided that people should have a safe space to talk about gender and sexuality and we had a really hard time convincing school to allow it even though they literally had a Christian after school club (it was allowed because clubs are student run and not school sponsored). We had to have enough people sign a petition, find an adviser (not hard as our art teacher was a lesbian and agreed that a safe space for students was needed), AND point out that disallowing it could be viewed as discrimination. Having it as an after school club allowed some kids the opportunity to realize they were not straight and admit it for the firat time and others gained the confidence to publicly come out. And we realized that based on how many people attended our school and how many came to our club who identified as something otber that straight at least 10% of tbe school was LGBT+ in some way. If social media had existed then or if more celebrities were openly gay/bi, we ot could have made a huge difference. Im glad my children live in a world where there are people like Jamie making videos that let them know they are normal and valid.
Yeah, as 40+ ace person I'm with you in this space! Today's kids are growing up in an ENORMOUSLY different space when it comes to access to information about & discussion of LGBTQ+ matters 😳 Don't think we could've imagined it in the '80s & '90s. I really hope it helps!!
They're also growing up in one of these periodic eras of strong reactionary backlash, too, which makes me sad for them? 😔 I think thorough knowledge of queer history (as far back as you can find it) is super, super helpful in that context & can help provide perspective, resilience and even useful clapbacks to people making ignorant arguments about queerness being a modern "trend" or "perversion".
When I first came out as trans, I did it mostly through individual conversations with people, though not incredibly formal or serious ones. I found out because of that period that it was hardest for me to come out to people the more I cared about them, some of them taking days or longer before I was able to tell them, because I cared about their reaction more.
Nice to see some genuine curiosity and willingness to learn and explore. The internet being the internet, questions directed at the community are often disingenuous and condescending, so it’s nice to hear something more nuanced.
When I first came out as trans and started testosterone, a straight cis man who I had known since middle school, but was never really friends with, messaged me on Facebook to basically tell me that he thought it was "hot" that I was a man with a vagina and still considered himself straight despite his attraction to me. He even admitted that he wasn't attracted to me at all until I came out and started T. He basically only wanted to have sex with me just because of my genitals and was flat out fetishizing me. I've had it happen with other cis men as well who were "straight," bi, even gay too who again, were only fetishizing me, so yeah to have someone tell me that they're only interested in me because of my junk, would not only trigger me, but my instant assumption would be that they're just another chaser. Of course being attracted to trans people doesn't instantly make someone a chaser, but for me, that's been my experience more often than not. If they only feel attraction to me because they know what my junk is, then that just feels like fetishizing to me. If they're attracted to me and are simply just more comfortable with my junk that's not as bad I guess cause I get that not everyone likes penises, but then they're basically assuming that means that I'm okay with bottoming, which yeah I am sometimes, but I also like to top sometimes too cause I'm verse and if they're not comfortable with that then idk if it'd work out cause I don't want to be stuck bottoming all the time. Not only that, but I have thought about having bottom surgery, but I'd also want to keep my man cave too, so that I have both parts. Only problem is there can be way more complications from doing that, so I'm still on the fence about it, but there's pack and plays at least which I've been wanting to get one for a while now, but haven't been able to afford it. I don't have a partner I can use it with right now anyways though. Point is, they shouldn't assume that every trans masc person likes to only bottom if at all just because of our junk.
Man Cave is just “chefs kiss” omg I love it. It just sounds so beautifully affirming I love it
@TheRainbowExperience Oof, just wanted to send a rainbow hug as it sounds like the dating/romantic scene out there for trans people is a real minefield?! 😵💫
Between dangerously phobic people, casually TERFy people, fetishists, and people who're struggling with split or unexamined gender/genitalia attractions, I can only imagine that trying to find people who are attracted to you for YOU must be pretty exhausting...?
Interesting to hear that some people decide to retain both sets of gear when transitioning, didnt know that! The more the merrier I guess? 😉 It's frustrating that there's still so much closed-mindedness and weird social rigidity around all this stuff. Hope we eventually manage to reach a future where fluidity of all kinds is accepted as the norm not the exception 🤞
Im sorry chasers suck
@@PoopcakesTheThird Lol thanks, but I didn't come up with it. I saw another trans masc person using it a while back who apparently heard it from another trans masc person on a tv show. I forget which show it was though. It might have been Shameless, but I'm not certain.
@@anna_in_aotearoa3166 Thanks. It is EXTREMELY difficult trying to date as a trans person. A lot of us end up only dating each other because of all the chasers and transphobic cis people out there, especially those who want us dead. I can't even go look for just casual sex without chasers flooding in for the "opportunity." I've tried putting up with it, but it was really bad for my mental health. Right now, I'm just trying to focus more on myself. And yeah there are some surgeons who will let you have both, but there aren't very many that do because of the complications that can happen. Hopefully they'll get better at it overtime though. Until then, I'll just stick to toys which at least with those I can have any shapes, sizes, and colors that I want lol. I hope the future is better and not so close-minded too, though I don't know if it'll happen within our lifetime unfortunately, but would be great if it does.
My reaction the one time someone came out to me (it was a worker at a restaurant I frequent, and their transition was just starting, which I wasn't completely sure of), I just reacted with "Alright, cool. What gender reference do you prefer?"
yeah thats cool !!! i wouldnt be offended over that :)
Managers be like: Alright, cool, but you're still coming in to work, right?
I think "Cool. Thanks for sharing that with me" is a good short, casual response when someone comes out to you, for people who want to communicate they don't care about their friend/relative's sexuality or gender, but they do care about that person.
10:55 "Is it ok to just say 'oh ok' and move on when someone comes out?"
I will say, there is something really comforting in a nonchalant reaction like this. My favorite reaction from someone when I told them I was trans was 2 text messages: the first said "I know transitioning can be very challenging on many levels. I applaud your bravery and love you as much as I always have." The second messages simply said "Speaking of which, what should I change your contact name to?"
It was such a simple way to acknowledge what I said while also just drawing attention forward to the rest of our conversation. It even inherently demonstrated that he wanted to continue to have contact with me. (It was a childhood friend, we hadn't spoken in a few years.) In person, a similar response would be "do you have a new name or pronouns you would like me to use?" It's clear you're taking them seriously, it's clear that you want them to feel respected, and it's clear that you aren't going to have some meltdown over it. That kinda skips a lot of the normal possible responses and goes right to just assuming that they're accepted.
Some of the stereotypes that I hate are 1) that if you're trans, you're transitioning to be straight, and 2) People on the ace spectrum a) can't be romantic and b) don't like any sex at all.
I'm an effeminate trans man who is acespec (demisexual) who is a hopeless romantic, and is sex favorable. I'm also gay and poly on top of my ace identify, so I feel like i'm about as far from the stereotype as you can possibly be, so my experiences really don't line up with what people who aren't familiar with all the nuances with that sexuality and gender has. It can be very frustrating, especially when other people within the LGBTQ+ community stereotype me.
I find it so very weird how many people in our LGBTQ+ community are so invested in boxing other queer people into very defined identities & denying any possibility of multiple spectra of human experience or journeys of questioning!
Maybe it comes from the natural human desire to categorise things (something of a survival reflex) and perhaps also some fear because of how hard they fought to establish the beachhead of their own identities...?
Not to go all sociology on you, but I feel like part of it also stems from the broader hominid tendency to create ingroups & outgroups, and then strongly resist any permeability between the two... And to perceive resources as limited, & therefore any 'uninvited' additions to the ingroup as a threat!
It's very exclusionary & normative, feels so out-of-place in a community that should be about inclusion, diversity & open-mindedness...
Yeah, when I came out to my dad, the first thing he said was, "But you always seemed to like women!" And I answered, "Yeah, Dad, I do like them. I'm a lesbian."
Yep, I'm non-binary and ace and I've had so many people ask me why I bothered to even come out when being a straight woman is so much easier. Which is especially ironic because the majority of people who have told me this have been straight men. Like IDK, it's kinda hard to be a straight woman when you aren't attracted to people or a woman. One of my friends who is a gay trans guy got asked why he came out when he could've just been a lesbian. Like IDK, cause it's kinda hard to be a lesbian if you aren't attracted to women regardless of your gender?
Romance favorable polyam aro, I understand that some.
I think everyone should read What’s Your Pronoun by Dennis Baron I read it a couple days ago it’s a history book exploring English pronouns and it mostly discusses cis pronouns. Did you know “he” was considered a universal pronoun well into the 1970’s? Holy crap! She/her are neopronouns!
He/him used to also mean the plural "they/them"
For the "ok, move along" I think that's fine as long as you show some support between "ok" and "move along" or bring it back up at a later time. That can be thanking the person for telling you or asking even the most basic question about it. A simple "how're you doing?" Or asking about who else they have or are planning on coming out to (probably not needed so much if they are a new friend/acquaintance).
I had some friends pretty literally just say "ok" and then change the topic and they've never come back with questions or anything. Hard to believe they care about me when they don't ever talk about it or immediately move on when I do.
When I came out to my family they didn't say anything. It was dead silent. Then one of my family members emailed me that the were against it and a few religious articles why instead of saying it to my face. Recently I told them I got engaged and all they did was say mhm. It's because they do not agree with my "lifestyle."
This is a pretty wholesome subreddit. Just people genuinely trying to understand what a life experience that is likely quite different to their own. I like it. 10/fish.
As an ally i used to feel a bit left out when my friends made some Jones but then i started to ask them to explain them to me. It made a big difference, now they Will explain things to me without me asking when they think is something i dont understand.
oh my, i find that a good way to talk or ask questions about anyone one who needs it, but also does not want to seem rude or uncareing just simply tell yourself said question. it sounds odd but if you are happy with it then hopefully the person you wish to know more of will. my quote i love to use is "do to them what you wish them to do to you" it is never easy trying to not hurt people, but as long as your heart is in the right place, i am sure they will understand.
🧡🧡🧡 oh this was a lovely video. thank you jamie...
16:54 JAMIE i can’t believe you missed the opportunity to plug your book as a trans info resource at the end! I was thinking “ooh nice segue” and then you just DIDN’T
a thing that bugs me is ppl who get so ticked at the existence of aro and/or ace ppl, I just cant wrap my head around how ppl can be mad that others don't have sexual and/or romantic attraction, cuz odds are even if they did, they wouldn't be attracted to someone like that
They think you're not really aro/ace, just playing hard to get and trying to make people work really hard to get your attention. I hate that narrative; it's untrue and hateful.
Honestly I think it's because some people feel entitled to a relationship/sexual stuff, so they get mad when you literally aren't capable of that (in the case of some aro/ace people)
@Stoplgbt-hz1xo good for you ig..?
My least favorite “stereotype” is that ace people are taking over Denmark, you’re supposed to tell anyone 🙄!
Like, it's not _wrong_ but you're not supposed to _say it_
Won't work. Denmark is a member of NATO, and there's not enough ace people to defeat the US.
*whispers, alarmed* the war is still on???
@@blazelightshine2311 *whispers* wait, it's a war? I thought we were just going to _occupy_ it?
@@MiotaLee (this is partly an OT reference but) well it's Denmark I thought they'd at least try to fight. Also I'm aro, not ace, so not in the inner circle, Imma just wave at my cousins marching by. What tense times.
That question about not being told first, I did the same with my mother! She was the first person to introduce me to our local LGBT+ community and knows everyone but I told her I was pan very last because even though she is a huge ally I was insanely nervous! Something about telling a family member is always harder, even if they are a complete ally. I was a little better the second time when I came out to her as trans, she was the second family member I told (sister found out first, she’s awesome too.)
I guess the stakes are just so much higher with your closest loved ones? Poor reaction by a colleague or acquaintance might be brushed off, but rejection by a parent has much more potential impact!
So very glad to hear that your family are so awesome and supportive! 🥳🏳️🌈
Great vid as always! As a cis person, im also curious about what it means to be trans. Im so happy that i got to order your book home to the bookstore i work at, so everybody curious can learn more by reading your book. Thank you! love how supporting you are towards everyone. you have the best after-work comfort videos ❤
I think for the coming out answer, it greatly depends on the way the person is telling you.
If they seem very casual about it, you can be too.
If they seem nervous, tell them that you appreciate their openness and trust in you.
It can be extremely difficult for the person coming out and if it seems like they're struggling, show appreciateion for their braveness
"Oh okay" is the perfect reactionif someone comes out in passing. If a colleague talks about going on vacation soon, and mention their same-sex spouse before continuing on to talk about a museum they're excited to see, "oh okay" is perfect cause it matches the energy.
However if someone is obviously scared to come out, beat around the bush and say "op can I talk to you about something" to start the coming out, oh okay is clearly not enough.
Yep, that's what I do and I've only ever had one person get mad at me and I still have no idea why. Someone told me they were asexual, I replied "cool, me too" and they got mad I didn't let them define asexual before I started talking. Like I waited several seconds to make sure they were done talking, I didn't interrupt them. And it should've been pretty clear I didn't need the definition.
I've also just mentioned I'm trans in passing and had people gush that I was so brave to say that and it's such a big deal, yada yada. And it's just awkward. It's happened at work too and like anyone who'd been there more than a month knew cause I'd been out since I started working there. After they finally figured out half the staff was gay they chilled out about people mentioning it. No, I didn't mean LGBTQIA, I meant gay, over half the staff was gay, having all queer shifts was common. It also worked very well as bigot-be-gone. Especially cause our boss was also gay.
Okay I see the viewpoint of the person at 10:00.
In my personal experience, my ex best friend was quite not okay when they came out as lesbian and gained confidence. They would mock me for "liking d1cks" in a way that made me really uncomfortable and I made sure to say it but they still continued with this mockery.
Later I identified as an as3xual and I guess it made more sense but they later on, I came out to them and they absolutely backstabbed me with aphobia. That is the last time that we talked.
So what I am saying is that there are certain people who may present as hateful towards straight and/or cis people.
Jamie you're amazing! You answer these questions SO clearly and I love that I can just show this to family who don't understand.
For me, a good part of the reason why I don’t really want to come out as Bi because of fear of being stereotyped. Like, “No, I’m not greedy,” “No it’s not a phase.”
Being greedy is always meant as a joke though right? Obviously you have twice as many potential partners
On the question of delay in coming out: some relationships need more attention than others, too. I waited to come out to a lot of folks until I had a chance to come out to my mom in-person; that relationship took precedence over any other. Furthermore, it's easy for allies to misunderstand that LGBT+ folk are intensely aware of the gap between "self-identifies as an ally" and "is willing to accept someone they know completely and fully"; those are two different things and if they don't align safety could be in question.
💯 Especially when one considers the number of young queer people kicked out on the streets by family, & how that funnels so heavily into trafficking and exploitation? It can be a very high-stakes endeavour coming out (or being outed!!) to family, esp. if you're not yet financially independent 😔
When I came out to my stepmom all she said was “yeah I knew” and that’s it and ngl it kinda made me wanna cry at the time because it took a lot for me to tell her and she was just like “ok” could have gone better or worse but like a didn’t even get a “good for you” “thx for telling me” or anything, just “I knew” :’)
im personally a straight cis male, but i really dont care whatever you do with yourself, as long as it makes you happy im chill with it!
You are the type of people we need more of
hell yeah
@@404talentnotfoundMost people are normal and respecting, it just is that on the internet people say stuff because they don’t have the consequences.
@@TJ-hg6op i wish the Internet was more manageable, there is so much stuff on there now that it's basically impossible to moderate everything.
Ok why is this comment section so endearing? I'm sorting by newest and its all supportive. I wish the whole internet could be like this.
A stereotype that annoys me to no end is the whole we love drama, and parties, and alcohol, and we all want to stand-out. I know who I am is quite space filling, sometimes I wish it wasn’t true. It’s as if I am someone I kinda find annoying. Like I want to be me, which is this bright, colorful, energetic being, but also just a background character.
I don’t understand people getting in a twist about the term “cisgender.” That’s like getting mad about the term “straight.”
Very important point to make. Caution and hatred are 2 very different things. They can coincide, but if someone is being careful around you, it probably isn't personal.
As a trans woman, I fully get the wariness around cis people you don't know. I feel like I'm on edge when I'm around people who don't know I'm trans yet, and then when they find out, and they're (usually) accepting of me, i feel I can relax a little.
I'd also say that one of the stereotypes that I hate about LGBTQ+ people is the idea that some (but not all) cishet people have that we make being LGBTQ+ our entire personality. Like yes the fact that I am trans is a huge part of who I am, and I am immensely proud of that, but I'm also so much more than "just" a trans woman. I'm always happy to have conversations about being trans, and I love that people are so willing to learn more about my personal experiences, but it doesn't and shouldn't have to be the only thing people talk to me about 😊😊
The funny thing about people who complain about LGBTQ+ people making it their whole personality, is that more often than not their whole personality is homo/transphobia.