I hope you enjoyed this video. If you have any questions for me then let me know below. Thanks again to Josh & Team for the production: th-cam.com/users/joshgudgeon My book "Handcuffed Emotions: A Police Interceptor's Drive Into Darkness" available now: amzn.to/3lzrsEm
I’ve just cried watching this because I’m on my own I cry when I’m at work because I’m on my own I’m a big strong guy to everyone else but I’m broken inside my troubles would appear selfish if I told anyone about them so I just smile and pretend I’m ok . Sorry
@@bluesky4733 Don't apologise for sharing, and try not to belittle your own problems fella. Pain is pain, and nobody will think you're selfish for sharing anything that makes you feel the way you do. You can't start to get the help you need until you get over that barrier in your head that's stopping you from opening up more.
Your a good man Ben. You worked hard in your job. I feel for you as i suffer with the same. You should be proud of everything youve done. Good luck for the future. All the best.
Ben, I'm not sure if enjoyed is the right word, but your words resonant with me, I didn't have a back pack I had a greatcoat that got heavier each day. Thank you for doing this.
I'm glad I've come across your channel. Being a paramedic for 16 years, my rucksack is full and I didn't know it until recently. Getting the support I need now after asking for help.
Same here I have been putting off getting help for too long. The rucksack analygy really summed it up for me, this heavy weight of cruelty, abuse and death and destruction that your dragging around trashing your life, it needs emptying re-packing to tidy things up and make it easier to carry. Got my first counselling session next week which I am actually looking forward now, feels like some weight has lifted a little even by taking the step of making the appointment. Looking forward to dumping the empty rucksack in the cupboard.
At Christmas I'll be starting my 18th year in the Police, but today I have a job interview for a company doing something very different. My rucksack isn't full, but it is getting heavy. I want to look forward to going to work, rather than feeling physically sick at the thought of going in. I deserve better. We ALL do.
@mattcameron9349 how's things going for you now? The police treated me like shit as a teenager, but we are all people. How are things going? Hope you're OK 😊
After 29 years with the Scottish ambulance service, unfortunately I’m now terminally ill. But I wake up every morning happy that I don’t have to face going to work. The best job I’ve ever had.
I’ve combat ptsd , ocd , a boarder line personality disorder, an antisocial personality disorder and a shed load of physical issues… Ben your not alone my brother…. Thank you for your service it’s a natural reaction for a series of unnatural events.
I'm going to be brutally honest up until about a month ago I was one of those dicks and I'm ashamed to say it that didnt like the police and slagged them off all the time but after watching these videos for a while I've gained an unholy respect for them and I'd like to apologise and thank them and any other field that has to deal with these things so thank you and sorry.
Much respect to you for owning your demons. You’ve recognised your own rucksack and the things inside it. It’s not about the mistakes you’ve made, but how you put those things right. Your acknowledgment and apology go a long way to putting those things right.
Fck sake well done buddy. Its not cops and robbers no more ..police are there for ALL OF US.. AND this young ladds been trough trauma.. beyound belief. Im on his side. But buddy i was a proper idiot in cars. Not even stolers.. but id go nuts.
@@desmondmayhew6466 yeah it wakes you up and you realise that what your doing is terrible really when they go through what they go through to look out for everyone.
Ben, you're not broken at all ... you're actually becoming more whole than you could ever have imagined possible. You're reaching into the very essence of what it means to be human.
I have had one instance of a traumatic event that stayed with me for about 6 months, I found my mum dead in bed from a massive heart attack on Friday the 22nd June 2012 at 11.15am, a day I will never forget, there she was half on the bed and half off as if she had been sitting on the edge of the bed and simply fell backwards, her head was so small and she looked in her 80's for a woman that was only 62.., I looked down at this woman with a sunken face and just screamed out MUM!!.., a paramedic later told me that her face looked so small because when you die all the fluids that once gave form to your face sink to the back of your head.., but that single image haunted me and I could see her face even with my eyes closed.., but the emergency services see this on a weekly basis so I completely get your (rucksack) analogy.., thank you for all that you have given and I pray you find peace.
This video should be released on Channel 5 for mental health awareness because I’ve never heard something explained in a more relatable way regarding the rucksack. I will be taking a moment to give mine a spring cleaning. I shed quite a few tears watching this but I think there is some very valuable advice to be taken from it. Sending massive respect to Ben for even being able to talk about it and share things that are so personal and raw💕
Ben, I think it's really brave to make this video and I'm so sorry to hear about how badly this has affected you. My dad was in the police for 30 years and I've also had good friends in the fire service, I know all too well some of the horrible things that people witness in these jobs and the lasting images that they can leave. I think, certainly in the north anyway, that service people try to get through this with a lot of stoicism and a healthy amount of gallows humour but it does make me wonder just how full a lot of people's rucksacks are as you describe it. The jobs have to be done though, I suppose a certain amount of trauma is inevitable but maybe if people are encouraged to talk about it more it will lighten the burden a little as the years go by. On a lighter note your truck driver video cracked me up, I hope you have some more funny stories to share as well. With much respect, Ian.
Only weak idiots believe footballers are heroes. I wish Ben all the very best for his future. In all reality, Ben is a hero. I have friends in the Police Force and they have my utmost respect and full admiration.
@@brianwalker1933 footballers are heroes to kids so it's disrespectful to write people off as weak idiots. It's different as an adult but plenty of kids look up to footballers as their heroes and some of them make a difference to people's lives, so show some respect... especially on a video as sensitive as this.
@@TommyHax Perhaps the parents of these kids you refer to, should teach their kids the “true meaning” of the word...HERO! That said however, many parents these days are very poor role models, who also idolise footballers as heroes. Regardless, thanks for your comment.
@@brianwalker1933 I'm not interested in your views on footballers or parenthood, I'm asking you to show some respect. It's not your place to tell someone where they get their happiness or ambition from. You would've thought a video as touching as this would leave you feeling humble and respectful, but I guess some people are just parasitic and spiteful 24/7. I deal with people like you day in day out at work and I honestly believe you're one of the biggest poisons in society, spreading hatred because people don't conform to your beliefs. Pathetic, grow up old man.
Very relatable mate. I’m a YAS Paramedic and I’ve actually been on a job before with you a long time ago. I’m at the point now with the ambulance service how you were with WYP. I’m stuck in the job which is making me unwell but I also have no idea what I could do outside of the service. It is reassuring to see people succeed in life following an exit so keep up the good work mate 👍
Oh Ben , im so sorry about you having retire . I have watched every one , almost , of Police Interseptors . I have watched since it was Road Wars . I was a Special Constable myself many years ago . We see only tge good parts , proberbly . We dont see the personal side of it . I will continue to watch , thats mainly what i watch on television . I have always had a respect and admiration for the Police . I have noticed that some of the films were filmed in 2018/19 . I hope your collegues are all ok , i almost feel i know you all , i have watched so many films . My husband passed away in 2018 , we both enjoyed watching the films . God bless you , and your ex colleagues . Take care .
My dad is a retired Police officer, he’s been diagnosed with both CPTSD and depression. I’ve seen him go from coping to going off the rails. He’s in a good place now, mental health stigma needs to end
ive been so glad to have been seeing so many police and military men coming forward like this and on sites like lad bible talking about their troubles so many people look up to guys like ben and your dad as being like the pinnacle of men so seeing that theyre strong enough to open up should help men see that it alright to ask for help and it isnt showing weakness
Big up your old man. Thanks for sticking by him (know that seems pretty obvious since he's your old man) but you have no idea how strong a child's love is when your going through shit. Mine have honestly saved my life twice cause of my depression! Your dad (and you) are legends... keep at it 💪👏
Liam upon reading your comment it showed that there is a road back to your Dads new normal. You Dad is a hero, the universe was showing off when he was made. Kind deeds change lives. It is very exhausting to claw your way back; however the Universe rewards the Brave. Thank your Dad for his Service. Sending warm regards and respect from Australia. Sending you sunshine.
Iv got to say iv never been a big fan off police but after sitting watching your videos iv so much respect for what yous do people don't like to actually think of what yous deal with day in and day out I hope making these videos help you with your ptsd and I hope others that watch this sees what sh** yous need to deal with
You should be immensely proud of yourself Ben. The lives you have touched in your 19 years of service. The strength and stoicism you have when talking about your mental health challenges. You are a proper example of a great man. Best wishes to you and yours Ben x
Bless you Ben, I was in a crash in Spain in 01 were another British biker was killed by a bloke pushing him into the path of an oncoming car, the memory is as vivid today as it was on that day, it crushed / broke me, I had to retire at 45 from truck driving, I broke my marriage to the love of my life. I've not worked since, being around people is difficult, shopping and seeing family and a bit of fishing is all I do now, most days are spent hiding indoors watching youtube videos and avoiding human contact. Mental illness is an invisible but very real condition that will strike anyone at any time.
Stevethe hardest thing you can do. I'm so isolated people don't know I'm here. Mental illness can kill you just like cancer and other diseases. I take babysteps how many times I have gone to food store. Only to turn around and leave but proud I made it that far. I'm here if you want to talk or ramble. Only have 1 person I can talk to and not sure if they fully understand. Take care of yourself
This was the hardest video I’ve had to watch in a long time. I’m calling my GP tomorrow because my backpack is getting too heavy lately. Thank you for this video, and thank you for your service.
Do it! Don't put it off. I did... for over 30 years... caused me to have depression to the point of me planning my own suicide and a series of heart attacks. Been in therapy for 2 years. Ben's story is almost a perfect reflection of my own.
@@nataliefisher7961 It was incredibly difficult to take the first step, but once it was out it became easier to talk about. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it gets easier once the first hurdle(admittimg that you have a problem) has been crossed I found that talking to people with similar experiences or difficulties became just as important as a fully qualified shrink. No-one of any importance will think less of you. If someone in your circle of family and freinds does look down their nose at you, cut them loose, that's unneccesary baggage that no-one needs. I no longer worry about things that seemed so important for so long. Please, if you are having difficulties coping, seek proffesional help.
I cried when you said that you tried to put the little boy’s death in your backpack and it wouldn’t fit. I know how that feels and it’s devastating. Thank you for having the courage to talk and please take care of yourself. 💜
I'm a grown man and I cried when Ben told us about the little boy. This was one of the reasons I haven't joined the police, I don't believe I'd be able to cope seeing things like that. I also couldn't deal with the criminal subsections of society. Ben, you'll have dealt with people that come from a completely different world, hidden out of view from most of the general public and see things that should never be seen. From the bottom of my heart, thank you mate. For what you did during your time in police. For what you're doing now. Now it's time for you. Take care, over time I hope you can heal.
The backpack anaolgy hit home with me too. I had a breakdown a few years back. My analogy was like I was walking down a hallway trying to get out of a building, but every door I opened had a brick wall behind it. Then I just ran out of doors to open, as I'd opened them all and I had nowehere left to go, and nothing left to try, and I just crashed. The feeling of not being in control was scary. I thought I was weak for not being able to cope and that I was a failure. I was off work for many weeks. Luckily for me I got some help and my work colleagues were superb and never judged me. No one is weak or a failure, we all have our limits and when your emotional reserve is exhausted even the strongest will fall. Don't make the mistake I made and bottle it up until you crash. Recognise the symptoms and get help as soon as you can.
@@gixxerman69 Don't know quite why I stopped at yours to reply. Perhaps it is because your story makes you a bit less of a stranger to me. My camel's straw was 9/11. Up to then I had been (among other pursuits) a SAR (Search & Rescue)/Research diver & EMT for 30 years - seen/done a lot as you might expect. I too have a bag 'o crap. That September, 5 thousand miles away in Hawaii, all I could do was watch. A few months later I found myself back at my parents house in Arizona, bouts of insomnia followed by sleeping for 18 hours straight - pacing back & forth in the backyard chain smoking my brother's cigarettes. My Dad, a retired pharmacist & former Army medic, would gently ask me how I was doing and always end with suggesting "just let me know" if I wanted to go see his best friend a very respected M.D.. For weeks I declined saying all I needed was some rest and to read more Joseph Campbell, Carl Jung, Zen, or whatever else he had in his library. Thinking I could fix it myself. "Not being in control" - Luckily I eventually pulled my head out long enough to take my Dad up on his offer. Doc arranged for me to see an old classmate, a top neuro-psychologist in CA. I learned PTSD means pathways are eroded (burnt) in the brain. It becomes a physical/metabolic problem. Chemistry. Something you can't meditate, read, of self medicate yourself out of. You can run but you can't hide. Your bag is overflowing, can't put it down, can't ignore it. And it will eat you. You must admit you can't go it alone & reach out. 20 years later I've managed to heal & get on with life. But I'll never be the same. I have my moments. Once there was a breaking live news feed showing the rescue of a woman in an ice clogged river during a blizzard. She was dog paddling & every stroke was slower than the last. In a moment I realized I had jumped up in front of the TV sobbing, making anxious guttural animal sounds. I couldn't speak. Seems I'm over-sensitized to such things now. In 2011 during the Japan Sendai Tsunami. Brought closer to home hearing & witnessing the crash & roar of homes being destroyed below us in Kealakekua Bay 9 hours later. Plus my daughter is 1/2 Japanese & we have family there. She has been my anchor. 8 years old then. I told her I was having a rough time not being able to go there & help. She said, "Papa don't worry. In Japan they have expert people just like you. And they have lots of them." My daughter rescued her Dad that day. In fact everyday since she came to be. Aloha.
im in my sitting room rn just crying uncontrollably, just feeling so awful for this guy whos a literal hero. i wish i could just remove the pain he's felt and is feeling it's horrible how the best people can suffer. i wish him all the best.
My backpack overflowed wen I was about 17/18 years old. I tried to commit suicide in front of a massive audience cos I thought no one will notice except I forgot my baby siblings and hearing them screaming while I drown myself is something no one ever wants to experience. I didn’t wanna die but I just wanted to stop feeling the way I was feeling. 2 years later now, am a bit better but still struggling but know how to cope wiv it. I have my bad days and good days but hearing this just reminded me that I still have a reason to keep going and that we all have our own stories. Thank you so much for sharing this and I know this was a struggle to record but your helping more people by telling your story than you might know ❤️❤️❤️
Just remember there's people out there who love you and would live in pain even like living in a nightmare if you were to kill yourself,you are in a bad way feeling down but imagine your loved ones after you kill yourself,THAT is feeling down my friend and it doesn't get any better
Hope your doing ok, sometimes I just sit down when I'm having a bad day and say to myself, I suppose this is what makes the good days better lol. PTSD is so hard to deal with, you can be doing great for hrs, days maybe weeks or months then in a flash, your in that moment physically, emotionally, mentally, completely engulfed and overwhelmed with trauma ! Staying occupied helps me
Ben, I really hope you are doing well. I don't normally write on these, but I had to say that we are not alone. Myself similar to you joined the force in 2001, I also found that, that rucksack just kept filling up to the point there just wasn't any room anymore and just got heavier with each shift I did. It got to the point where I eventually also just broke... Everything you said, I was able to relate to. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and all that comes with it.. No longer in the force now, after 16 years of service... I just wanted to wish you all the best really...
From someone in the military ptsd isn’t a disease it’s a illness that needs to be addressed, the mod and government don’t take responsibility for the actions and experiences we go through and there should be actions in place for the sacrifice we make from the calls you get on a daily basis, and the ops we go on as a unit, I’ve known many of strong men that have gave up due to ptsd and its heart breaking, keep strong mate it was heart warming to hear you talk about this so openly I wish people from all over the services would open up like this, would give the blokes a chance to help each other
Front line workers are all at risk. I worked as a social worker for over 20 years in child protection. I got PTSD too. It took a long time to manage my symptoms. I have never worked again. I still get nightmares etc. I can really identify with his struggle. Any further trauma is ubearable, and it starts all over again, I get psuedo seizures I broke my ankles legs and elbows (lack of concentration) and wet the bed every night for 5 years from nightmares. Panic attacks are bloody awful. It has caused family issues which are not resolved. I live alone with no friends and never go out. I sued the government for not protecting me, and won, but i'd rather have my life back. Keep going lad you are still a young man. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your story, you were amazing on interceptors and you should be extremely proud of your 19 years service. Think of the lives you saved, the people you helped, the people who got their property back because of the work you and your team did.stay frosty and crack on as we say in Yorkshire
@@BenPearson1965 It took real bravery to tell your story, how the job took its toll. It's not a job I ever could take lightly, but in those 19 years you made such a difference to others. Even if you know it or not, we are truly grateful for it all; and you are still making a difference now, advocating the importance mental health and sharing your stories, good bad or daft. Good on you Ben.
I was a victim of an awful crime and you guys gave me so much strength. As someone with PTSD it’s about time police offices get the same support and recognition for mental health etc as soldiers. X
Ben, so open and honest, thank you for brining mental health to the forefront. There is no stigma to it, there really is only so much the body can take, and those in the emergency services, armed forces, are amongst those who carry the heaviest burdens
Who tf dislikes this - a person talking openly about their struggles in a bid to help others is incredibly selfless and takes a lot of courage. Thanks Ben for doing this and helping break down the mental health stigmas that are out there.
@@aspectabove that's a fair point, I guess I have a bit of a binary view of 'Like & Dislike'. I would however predict that the consensus understanding of disliking a video is to express towards the content vs your own projection of emotion, but I see it both ways.
I suffer with PTSD myself, it can be a silent killer for anxiety. You can be okay for a few weeks and than it strikes you out of the blue and can make you suffer for weeks on end. Very true when you said, you get coping mechanisms as time goes on but it is a lifelong condition. Your explanation was so articulate and hit home. Thank you for being so open witht his it really helps others understand. Honestly just wanted to give you a hug and let you know everything is going to be okay.
Ben, I'm so thankful for what you and the police force do. October 29th 2021, I dialed 999, I wasn't sure if I'd get help, my step dad had physically assaulted me, I was hurt, I was petrified, I was almost impossible to understand. The two officers that came were beyond amazing, they had one with him and my mum, she sided with my step dad, I had one with Me, I just wanted help, I got it. You and all of your colleagues are true heroes, I'm sorry if I'm not making all that much sense, I'm basically trying to thank you and the metropolitan police for helping me and many others in our times of need, for running head first into danger while we all run away, thank you. 💙
Ben, I was a cop, myself, for nearly 10 years. We've all had our fair share of jobs where we make that walk up to someone's front door and tell them their loved one isn't coming home. It gets to you. It took courage to make that video and I respect you for doing it because you've probably helped a lot of people by sharing your experiences with them. You're a good man, Ben. All the best for the future.
I trained a guy up at my old job he was an ex police officer who retired because in his own words “ I just couldn’t do it anymore” we spent 4 days out in the road together some of the stories he told me really stuck with me so I can’t imagine what it’s really like to deal with hands on. Big big respect for talking about it and I hope it makes it easier for you
Thank you for this. You’ve made me realise I need help, as my bag has been overflowing for years now. I’ve been hoarding these bad emotions, images and the flashbacks - and have never been ‘man-enough’ to admit it all and confront my own mentality, until this video. I thank you Ben, for helping me.
So powerful Ben. I’m 23, joined ‘the job’ at 19, it’s so important that coppers (and anyone really) takes in this message and speaks up when the backpack begins to fill. The thin blue line is with you mate
I'm hoping to join up as soon as my local force starts recruiting again. It's such a hopeful thing to see people like Ben speaking about mental and thankfully it's becoming recognized as the big issue that it actually is.
@The Flying Spaghetti Monster I agree officer can always be better trained. My point is if youve never done the job you haven't the got a clue what the job is all about. There are over 132,000 police officers in England and Wales. You seem to be tarring everyone of them with the same brush. There are good and bad in all people. You've obviously had a bad experience. If I'm wrong please enlighten me. But seeing as you keep you identity to yourself, I doubt you'll share this with us.
Massive respect to you for doing this video. The thing everyone seems to forget is that behind the uniform is a living, breathing, feeling human being. It boils my blood watching the police shows and seeing the way the police are treated. You are a very strong person. Good luck for the future with your channel
@@bfdmanbfd personally I have never been in a position or situation that has gotten me involved with the police so I have never seen this side of it maybe if more people didn’t get into situations they wouldn’t find themselves at odds with the police. No matter what your experience my original point still stands they are human beings.
@@chefinavan1 unfortunately for people who break the law, the powers they are given mean they can take people’s liberties away but if you want to be free and left to live your life stick to the law
@@Zombiechef91 so your openly admitting you know the police are assholes and advise not breaking the law or going near them in the first place?, will make note of that for future reference, thanks.
@@Zombiechef91 and so are the people they persecute on a daily basis, there also humans, so was the woman who got kidnapped, raped and mutilated a few weeks ago, your argument is so weak, your leaving to much room for contradictions. REALITY CHECK - last time I checked we was all human?
Never has a clip had so much resonance with me, I'm an NHS paramedic,have been for 20 years, i attended a job back 2010, involving three children under the age of 4, I couldn't and didnt want to seek help, i just got on with the next call that was sent through to me, 5 years later, following another traumatic incident, i just buckled, I thought I'd held it together well until my wife informed me that i hadn't been right for a couple of weeks leading upto my breakdown but she couldn't communicate with me, I'd become insular, 8 years later, im still healing, i actually had some fantastic help and support from local GP and CMHT, alas the ambulance service that i work for were no help at all, thanks for sharing Ben you should be proud of yourself!
Well that half an hour of life ill not get back and im really glad i spent it watching this before coming across yiur channel yestursay i too used to think the same about traffic cops that they where just out to catch people bearly breaking the speed limit but after hearing your storys and what youve got to say i actually feel sorry for them, after all they are humans too. Thats the first time ive heard abouting taking your problems and putting them in an ivisable back pack but it really helps to understand mental health. Stay strong ben and keeo up the good videos
My backpack overflowed about 14 years ago, I attempted to end my life. My backpack is still heavy but I’ve learned to carry it. I cried when you told your story, you were strong as a police officer, you were strong as a son doing the right thing for your mum, you didn’t become weak when you “snapped” your body said I can’t carry anymore. You are still strong and you have shown this by sharing your story and teaching others that it’s ok to need help. Stay strong and love on your babies, god bless you x
Had a nervous breakdown 30 years ago over something that happened in my personal life. Even now it lingers in a corner of my mind and rears it's head when I see certain issues on the news or tv. I commend you Ben for making these videos, really hope they enable others to seek help and are cathartic for you. Take care.
Ben, that has been one of the most powerful,emotional and genuinely honest words I have ever heard. It takes guts to put your hand up and admit for help. Mental illness is a crippling silent disease that many underestimate. Absolutely total respect for you, not just for your professional commitment to protect us when we need help, but for being able to completely open up and ask for help. By doing this your rucksack becomes lighter bit by bit.
You tube has many 'hard watches' this was the toughest of all. Huge respect to Ben and to all frontline workers running to things we would all run away from.
Indeed... I found this very much a "hard watch"..... I've been a fireman (only for two years) but I never saw the horrors this guy did. I know now...I was lucky..... Most of us are.
I worked for the ambulance service almost 30 years ago. One night a voice in my head told me I had to get out and I quit. I still have thoughts about that time almost everyday. But, life gets better and it is joyful. Take care.
my stepdads a paramedic infact features on inside the ambulance hes proud of the work he does and so are we all but you can see it gets to him and has changed him my eternal thanks goes to all emergency services workers who take on the tireless work to make us all safe who carrys theese burdons every day so we all may sleep safe at night
Ben I watched every episode you did. I’m so sorry for what you have been thru. My ex husband was a firefighter and he left that job because of stress and it also ended our marriage. You are so courageous to speak out and to be honest real and raw. I think all these services need so much more support and debriefing that would help. I had a baby at the time and it was so difficult. I send you loads of love respect and strength.love leisa Western Australia xxx
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don’t have strength.” -Napoléon Bonaparte You’ve done more than anyone could have possibly asked. Forget TWOC’d cars and chases, doubtless you’ve been there for many families in their time of need when going through similar to what you’ve described here. Enjoy the time with your family Ben, you and they have earned it.
Ben,it is good sign that you found a way to speak up..How many people go thru similar experience but they don't talk. Many with PTSD or any trauma never speak about this silent killer inside.. Very few stay in some kind of state just enough to live so called "normal" life... Most of them seek a remedy on the wrong side so they can't continue without alcohol,drugs.. Sadly there is a still big number of people who at a certain point in their life commit suicide ... I have PTSD ... I was 18 y.o. when war started in ex Yugoslavia... If I start talk about what i saw with my own eyes as a civil witnessing all death,blood etc I would need a book to put it all down.. I didn't talk about it...I was OK for 12 long years thinking yeah i survived..So many times esspecially first few years after war was finished i would hear every month new suicide happened .. Guys would look normal,tonight they drink,having a laugh & fun and tomorrow they gone..They suffered inside so bad but you can't see because they never talk about it.. I was married got my second son ,working and i thought i must put everything behind me,all that horrible war years so i can continue live as s normal human being.... BUT....What trigger me to provoke and wake up traumatized me it wasn't big deal but escalate quick and in short period of time I hit the roof... My next month was horrible i couldn't go outside in front of house just to pick mail from mailbox.. Coffee after coffee,cigarette,med to calm me down...No appetite,insomnia,anger woow...Wife tried everything to explain me i need to see a doctor but i would reject saying it will go away,it is temporary ..I know nothing about why i act like the way i do..Where is anger from and many unanswered questions.. Finaly I set in the car and my wife took me to see a doc... Long story short i was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD..lots of talk,medication and a new chapter in my life absolutely unknown.. But i remember you mention after crack you haven't be the same and guess what? That was the first thing doctor said to my wife..Please understand this..HE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...That scarred my wife to the core because she asked what do you mean by that,in whicj way not dame..He said it can go in any direction.. And i m not same..i don't have a patience as i had before....I don't get excited anymore..i am alone...my wife couldn't deal with my new life...i neglected her but not because i wanted..it just happened...When i say neglected i mean i lost sex drive,i forgot to cuddle her,to comfort her as i used to do..All of that wadn't my choice..it was the way it is and i didn't know how to change things around..Then i got bad back injury and on top of all weight on my shoulders ,oxycontin came to my life..and i welcomed it very much..Finaly i was able to get rid of mental and physical pain..I don't need to tell you what that oxyevil done to me... I became a zombie....She cried and ask for divorce...I loved her but i told her OK i guess it s better.. She didn't believe this circle will ever brake..I didn't blame her... So against all odds ,her opinion i stopped with oxycontin... I got proper medication and here i am..5 years without oxy.. I don't have plans,well not big on my mond it s just day by day aiming to feel better and better.. Because of anger issue i didn't go out night time,no alcohol. I am now better then yesterday but doc was right..I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME GUY.... And you want believe what i miss the most in my life...HUG ..I just miss a hug..All these years i thought myself ok i m bloody tough ,i never cried ,i wish i did but i couldn't cry ..More then 30 years i didn't drop a singlr tear and still i can't cry..I lost both my parents which i love them deeply but i didn't cry even then.. Ok i do apologize for very long comment please forgive me .. Ben thank you for telling us yor story ,part in your life that was very painful for you..All the best ,take care ...
I couldn’t watch this whole thing. By 11:45 I’m writing this and closing it. It’s like someone sitting in front of me describing shit I’m covering up in my own life and it’s too real for half 2 in the afternoon on a Thursday whilst travelling for work. I’m thankful for this video because when I’m in my own space later on, I’ll be coming back and using it as my own wake up call 😳
Don’t be afraid to stick your hand up and ask for help. I emailed occupational health, it too, them four days to get back to me, in the meantime I rang my own Doctor who signed me off immediately when she heard the stuff I was talking to her about and the issues it gave me. Reach out and get help, don’t suffer, it’s not healthy.
Joey, Hit me at the perfect moment in my life! I have been dealing with PTSD plus chronic back pain for 26 years! I have no 1 but myself to either decide to live or do an overdose to end all this Depression & the Darkness that comes with it! So each day I have to decide whether to try 1 more day or just overdose & be over with it! This man is very encouraging for people like myself! Blessings to all who are in the same PLACE!
I'm a news videographer for a TV station in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I see some horrible things too in my job. And, I have many police officer friends. They go through what you've gone through. Ben, I'm happy and grateful that you've shared your story. Hopefully it will help others and I hope an pray that you continue to recover. You were an amazing officer, but you're an even more incredible human being. May God bless you and your family. You have support here in America.
You did the right thing. You said you needed help. You did what you could. You did the best you could confronted with that disastrous event. You had to face the worst that life has to offer, and now you’ve made it past it. You were going through hell, and you kept going. The only alternative was stopping. You’ll be alright. You’re helping everyone now by telling us what happened to you. Because bad things happen to all of us, but they happened to you much harder and longer than it happens to most. Well done. Well done.
I've watched this several times since you posted it, i've read your books and all i have to offer is a hug. You're in excess of a foot taller than me but if we were both sitting down, i could reach to hug you and hold you and lift the back pack and take if off you. it would be heavy but you could help me lift it because you're physically stronger than me. Between us we can put it on the floor and then hug.... this post makes me cry every time i watch it but for anyone in a job where people rely on you to make things right, we all need to cry and recognise each other crying and help with the back pack. These posts make us all stronger Ben because we listen and we recognise.... thank you for helping us do that.
This is an extremely powerful video. I admire you immensely more for your honestly and bravery in sharing this to help others over how ‘robust’ you may have portrayed yourself in the show. I pretty much cried from end to end my friend. Thank you for your service in the force, thank you for your openness now, and I truly wish you the very best for the future as you start emptying your back pack. You’re a hero. Thank you.
Ben I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a massive rucksack from 14 years in the Ambulance service. I had the same problem with trying to pretend that things didn't get to me. Still suffering now 20 years later. Kudos to you for putting this out there.
Thank-you so much for sharing Ben, you are strong and brave and being open and able to share this deeply personal experiences is incredible, you have my ultimate respect. I too was a serving Police Officer, I retired after 19 years service (17 years ago)...unbeknown to me my back-pack was overflowing...listening to your story it's the detail that really stands out to me... 'the converse shoes'...I had a very similar experience a toddler died in my arms following an RTC...the 'Ninja Turtle trainer' (only one) remains with me to this day...my own son at home wearing the very same ones. Also the drivers two children safely fastened in their car seats whilst their Dad's life will never be the same having being unable to avoid the lone toddler stepping into the road. Over the years many of my experiences re-visit me...I absolutely loved being a Police Officer...but sadly the emotional fallout has taken it's toll. I also still shed many tears but try to remain optimistic... I have a truly wonderful life, but my memories are very real and are never far away. I'm proud that my son is now a serving Police Officer, and so life goes on...I really hope he talks to me if his back pack is a little heavy. Take care Ben and keep your stories coming xx
Ben, from one ex cop to another, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through it. We all have. Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I had a breakdown one night shift, and I never worked the streets again. Left in 2007.
Ben you are an inspiration, going through this pain you have will have helped your closest colleagues. They will have seen what trauma has done to you and how you are getting help and becoming stronger for it. They will now not feel like they have to “man up” and keep going. You have identified your triggers and they will be able to see this. I am so sorry that you have given your life to policing for us “the public” and felt like you have had to leave your vocation. We need to do better to support our police through these times and do what ever it takes to retain you. From one public servant to another I thank you for your service and I am sorry. Paddy Royal Navy Medic (medical retirement) Ambulance technician (elastic band snapped) PTSD survivor and to this day I battle on
Bless ya, Ben. Mental health is no joke. Haven't gone through what you've been through, but have been in a bad place a fair few times in my 45 years on earth, and now with my current job. Same as you, no one has really helped. They've listened, they've gone through the formailities, but no one actually helped and asked if I'm OK. I leave my job in a few weeks as life is more important than a title and a bit of cash. All the best, mate. Keep ya chin up. Look after you for a while ;)
You may or may not ever see this Ben, but your videos randomly appeared on my feed so I watched. All I can say is you are a real life hero. You've sacrificed a part of you because you had to, you clearly gave your soul to the force and stayed a pillar of stability when others would fold. I salute you Sir. I hope your road to recovery is easy and painless. You and your family deserve the very best!
I cried the whole time, you are an amazing person, your real and you dont hide that, i spent my whole life struggling with depression and ptsd, my mum died when i was a year old, my dad couldnt take it and wasnt around much so his mum raised me, well if u call it that, every time she was upset with me she would blame me for my mum dieing, my mum died of cervical cancer, she found out when she was pregnant with me, she chose to have me rather than go through the treatments because she wanted a child, so i basicly grew up thinking i killed my mum, i turned to drugs and alcohol and finally got clean from that, but its a long road and i think you never get over some things, like you said you put them on a shelf and sometimes you look at them and sometimes you take them out and just cry, its all you can do, when you dont have the proper help and support its a very hard road, im glad you are who you are, i think you are wonderful ! if i could climb through my screen right now id hug you honestly lol
I am a from Bradford and stubbled across this guy from Police interceptors , so thought i would give it a watch ... i can whole heartedly say it touched me in so many ways i cant begin to imagine his contents of his rucksack ... simply wow , just wow ..
Ben, It takes alot of courage to come out and talk about PTSD and the reasons for it. I was discharged from the Army in 2015 due to PTSD and injury caused by active service. It will take time mate to put it to the back of your heads i can assure you i still have problems dealing with stuff 17 years ago in Iraq. Stick in there pal. All the best...
Randomly got this in my recommended after binge watching Police Interceptors, and honestly it's made me tear up. When watching shows like that, it is hard to see you and the other police as humans, if you get what I mean? And then when you hear stories like this... Thank you for all your service, and I hope you continue to recover from the stress and other illnesses you developed
And now imagine, going to your next job (incident) where youre arresting someone for shouting abuse in a high street- and everyone gets their phone cameras out, calling you a pig etc. #normal
Ben, I feel the same way, as a Paramedic on the front line with 14 years of seeing the best and worst of people I had to leave a job I love to fly a desk, Talking is amazing, I have found a release in writing my experiences but feel it's not what people want to read. Keep up the channel, it's a great move.
Hi Ben, would you be prepared to speak to me about your experiences on camera? I'm working on a TH-cam channel similar to 'Lad Bible' and would love to have you on to talk. All the best, James.
I’m still filling my backpack. And I’m going to take that analogy to the docs next week when I go and tell them that I’m worried that my sleeping and diet has changed, I’m irritable all the time and I constantly feel tired. Thank you for sharing. Hero.
This is so harrowing, so sad, yet, (dare I say), also inspiring. It's difficult to say it inspires, because you've clearly experienced more pain, more anxiety and more anguish than most people will experience in their whole life and to say you're inspired by someone else's pain seems so wrong. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across as rude or obnoxious. The analogy of the rucksack resonates with me and will with a lot of other people. As someone who has suffered with mental health in the past, I thank you for this and although I don't have the cure to my own mind, the message you've put across is clear and will help me and others. Thank you for sharing this.
Ben I totally know where you’re coming from, after nearly 30 years in both the Fire and Ambulance service! You have my utmost respect for your service, your skills could now be utilised in helping your colleagues who also suffer silently
I've been watching you on Police Interceptors for years. Had no idea you'd retired. But what a heartbreaking story. Thank you for being strong enough to tell it. It bought a few tears to my eyes. I have nothing but respect for you. Thank you.
I've likened my breakdown to a glass being slowly filled with water and one day it just overflows. Your mind can only cope with so much heartache, misery and disappointment, and 7 years later I still deal with the aftermath of the day my light switch was flicked and I'd had enough. I would love to say it gets better, but it doesn't, you just find a new way of living with the new you and you hope that those people who love you can do the same, otherwise that could be the final straw. Dealing with the things you've seen and experienced will always take effort from you and you can't stop putting that effort in. We have decided, now that mental strength is gradually returning, the only chance to get better is to change our lives for good, and hope once Covid allows we can move forward with our plans, and now that you have left the job, hopefully you will find your new life too. I've watched Interceptors etc since it started, watched you on there, and before I watched this video, I had a preconception of how I would feel about you doing it, mainly down to my own interactions with the police over the years, I was wrong. Stay strong.
This video in my opinion is the best explanation of how it feels to be crushed by anxiety and depression, what a true caring gentlemen you are, and a credit to your community, I wish you all the best to you and your family in the future my friend. 💕💕
It's heart breaking. I'm 39 years old.I lost my mum 3 years ago to a brain tumour & lost my dad 3 days ago. My daughter found him face down in front of the fire. We all carry the backpack too. Your an amazing man & stronger than you think. Not many people could fit that much in their backpack before it breaks. Look after yourself Ben.
I had a similar time with my mum she was on intensive care for 3 days I stayed with her for 12 hours and they said she is looking a lot better. I remember going out of the hospital with a smile on my face thinking she has done it very soon she will be off the ventilator and will get better. I remember going to bed that night and I got the best night sleep that I had in a while. I then get a Call from my dad saying get the hospital she has took a turn for the worse. We got there and had to make the decision to pull the plug the sepsis had become to much to in her body. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Ben you are an inspiration! Keep strong 💪
I was told that a person who is depressed is the last person to realise it. I thought everyone was going on at me and was confused why people kept asking what was wrong. Depression is a whole perception change, I described it like all the colours change but you don't realise; blue is still blue to a depressed person but it is actually red and you wonder why everyone is saying it is red. You have no joy. You don't enjoy your kids, friends, family and everything is a huge effort. Getting up is daunting because once your feet hit the floor you know that you have the whole day to face. I subscribed to your channel. Well done Ben for your honesty and exposing some very raw wounds. God bless.
thank you so much for having the bravery to share this... I was a nurse and ended up leaving the profession due to stress and admitting i couldn't carry on was the best decision i made. After years of counselling and medication i am now feeling much better. If anyone reading this can relate to even a little of this please admit you have a problem and get help... you would get help for a broken leg so please ask for help for your mental health also...
You're not broken mate, you just need help, I'm watching this and seeing a brave man who I think is feeling a bit guilty, maybe because you feel you've let people down, the stuff you've been through is enough to make any one suffer, Christ that bairn story nearly had me in tears, chins up, keep going' you will feel better the pain doesn't last forever :)
A few years ago a neighbour fell and broke his hip, I laid down and held him and chatted for an hour till the ambulance came, he'd been a sailor all his life, so brave and strong. I didn't realise, he was slowly fading away in my arms in front of his wife. I have never really thought about it until now, so I'm having a good cry. Cheers Ben.
This was a heartbreaking video to watch. I truly hope that you get better and can enjoy the rest of your life with your family and without the weight of the backpack. But despite the negatives, just remember the good that you did for the community in your 19 years, I was 4 years old when you joined the police. I thought you were ace in Police Intercepters and I'm incredibly happy that I found this channel. I'm in my final year of a degree with a hope of becoming a Police Officer in Nottinghamshire thereafter and this video shows that it's not all arresting bad guys and driving fast cars but that there is human element. Police Forces across the nation, although resources are stretched, should do more to support their officers. I wish you nothing but the best for the future and I've subscribed for future content. Thank you for being an absolute hero ❤️ (Edit: I've just bought your book, I'm looking forward to reading it)
Ben that has got to be one of the most heartbreaking videos I’ve watched. My heart goes out to you. The courage you show in making these videos and talking about your mental health the way you do, you should be very proud of yourself. From one rucksack carrier to another stay strong, you can do this take care xx
You made me cry at work I'm glad I work on my own people need to understand that everyone who works in the emergency service's do a very difficult job which they have to take home with them you are all amazing thank you for all that you do
Thanks to all the emergency response service men and women, for putting your hard work and at times sacrificing your free time to keep the general public safe at times I feel as though these people don’t get enough credit or reward for what they do and what they sacrifice to make our country a lot safer
![เปิดใจ "อาจารย์เบียร์ คนตื่นธรรม" อดีตเคยสุดทุกทาง ถ้าใช้หนี้หมดไปบวชแน่ l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/IxeE0xVhy08/mqdefault.jpg)
I hope you enjoyed this video. If you have any questions for me then let me know below.
Thanks again to Josh & Team for the production: th-cam.com/users/joshgudgeon
My book "Handcuffed Emotions: A Police Interceptor's Drive Into Darkness" available now: amzn.to/3lzrsEm
I just want to reach in to my TV just to hug you.
You are so brave to speak out about your struggles.
Biggest of hugs sweetheart xxxx
I’ve just cried watching this because I’m on my own I cry when I’m at work because I’m on my own I’m a big strong guy to everyone else but I’m broken inside my troubles would appear selfish if I told anyone about them so I just smile and pretend I’m ok . Sorry
@@bluesky4733 Don't apologise for sharing, and try not to belittle your own problems fella. Pain is pain, and nobody will think you're selfish for sharing anything that makes you feel the way you do. You can't start to get the help you need until you get over that barrier in your head that's stopping you from opening up more.
Your a good man Ben. You worked hard in your job. I feel for you as i suffer with the same. You should be proud of everything youve done. Good luck for the future. All the best.
Ben, I'm not sure if enjoyed is the right word, but your words resonant with me, I didn't have a back pack I had a greatcoat that got heavier each day. Thank you for doing this.
I'm glad I've come across your channel. Being a paramedic for 16 years, my rucksack is full and I didn't know it until recently. Getting the support I need now after asking for help.
I'm so sorry to know that you've been carrying that with you, I hope everything is getting better now
Hello Dan, hoping this message finds you well and recovering from your depression etc ? Sending wishes to you and your loved ones. Cheers 🥂
Hope you are well and feeling better :)
Same here I have been putting off getting help for too long. The rucksack analygy really summed it up for me, this heavy weight of cruelty, abuse and death and destruction that your dragging around trashing your life, it needs emptying re-packing to tidy things up and make it easier to carry. Got my first counselling session next week which I am actually looking forward now, feels like some weight has lifted a little even by taking the step of making the appointment. Looking forward to dumping the empty rucksack in the cupboard.
@@colintook3357 best decision I ever made. All the best Colin
At Christmas I'll be starting my 18th year in the Police, but today I have a job interview for a company doing something very different. My rucksack isn't full, but it is getting heavy. I want to look forward to going to work, rather than feeling physically sick at the thought of going in. I deserve better. We ALL do.
Did ya get the job
@@Tjay-ex8vi Afraid not. Still pounding the beat...
@mattcameron9349 how's things going for you now? The police treated me like shit as a teenager, but we are all people. How are things going? Hope you're OK 😊
My father was a traffic cop 50 years ago , he trained others, but had to walk away after the things he saw . Miss you dad , my hero xx
It's sad when anyone takes their own life.
Can't be easy. Thank you to your dad for the service he put in. So sorry for your loss ♥️
God bless you mate
50 years eh !!!
RIP
“PTSD, anxiety, etc... basically because of all the crap.” Is the most succinct, honest and downright realistic way of explaining it.
After 29 years with the Scottish ambulance service, unfortunately I’m now terminally ill. But I wake up every morning happy that I don’t have to face going to work. The best job I’ve ever had.
And you would know the feeling because?
@Cian MacGana Emergency workers, regardless of gender, go through so much.
Shrubs1y2 - not all superheroes wear capes.
I’ve combat ptsd , ocd , a boarder line personality disorder, an antisocial personality disorder and a shed load of physical issues… Ben your not alone my brother…. Thank you for your service it’s a natural reaction for a series of unnatural events.
I'm going to be brutally honest up until about a month ago I was one of those dicks and I'm ashamed to say it that didnt like the police and slagged them off all the time but after watching these videos for a while I've gained an unholy respect for them and I'd like to apologise and thank them and any other field that has to deal with these things so thank you and sorry.
Much respect to you for owning your demons. You’ve recognised your own rucksack and the things inside it.
It’s not about the mistakes you’ve made, but how you put those things right. Your acknowledgment and apology go a long way to putting those things right.
Fck sake well done buddy. Its not cops and robbers no more ..police are there for ALL OF US.. AND this young ladds been trough trauma.. beyound belief. Im on his side. But buddy i was a proper idiot in cars. Not even stolers.. but id go nuts.
@@S3dINS thank you really appreciate that 🙏.
@@desmondmayhew6466 yeah it wakes you up and you realise that what your doing is terrible really when they go through what they go through to look out for everyone.
Well done mate without police you wouldn't have protection and the amount they do locally and for every civilian is amazing
Ben, you're not broken at all ... you're actually becoming more whole than you could ever have imagined possible. You're reaching into the very essence of what it means to be human.
Thank you Sue xx
exactly. be safe, have fun.
Definitely he’s so empathetic
Truth
Best comment ❤️
I have had one instance of a traumatic event that stayed with me for about 6 months, I found my mum dead in bed from a massive heart attack on Friday the 22nd June 2012 at 11.15am, a day I will never forget, there she was half on the bed and half off as if she had been sitting on the edge of the bed and simply fell backwards, her head was so small and she looked in her 80's for a woman that was only 62.., I looked down at this woman with a sunken face and just screamed out MUM!!.., a paramedic later told me that her face looked so small because when you die all the fluids that once gave form to your face sink to the back of your head.., but that single image haunted me and I could see her face even with my eyes closed.., but the emergency services see this on a weekly basis so I completely get your (rucksack) analogy.., thank you for all that you have given and I pray you find peace.
Bless you and your Mum ❤️
You should be a public speaker. Your story is so powerful and honest. Lessons need be learnt to protect them that protect us.
Yup
Very well said. 👍👍
As a dad of a 2 year old this made me cry uncontrollably. I'm not sure I would have recovered from something like that
This video should be released on Channel 5 for mental health awareness because I’ve never heard something explained in a more relatable way regarding the rucksack. I will be taking a moment to give mine a spring cleaning. I shed quite a few tears watching this but I think there is some very valuable advice to be taken from it. Sending massive respect to Ben for even being able to talk about it and share things that are so personal and raw💕
I haven’t cried at a story in years and years, however the emotion that you portrayed describing this story moved me
It moved me as well.
Same
Same
Ben, I think it's really brave to make this video and I'm so sorry to hear about how badly this has affected you. My dad was in the police for 30 years and I've also had good friends in the fire service, I know all too well some of the horrible things that people witness in these jobs and the lasting images that they can leave. I think, certainly in the north anyway, that service people try to get through this with a lot of stoicism and a healthy amount of gallows humour but it does make me wonder just how full a lot of people's rucksacks are as you describe it. The jobs have to be done though, I suppose a certain amount of trauma is inevitable but maybe if people are encouraged to talk about it more it will lighten the burden a little as the years go by. On a lighter note your truck driver video cracked me up, I hope you have some more funny stories to share as well. With much respect, Ian.
And they say footballers are heroes, this man is a hero and look what it's done to him. I wish you all the best for the future Ben.
Only weak idiots believe footballers are heroes.
I wish Ben all the very best for his future. In all reality, Ben is a hero. I have friends in the Police Force and they have my utmost respect and full admiration.
@@brianwalker1933 footballers are heroes to kids so it's disrespectful to write people off as weak idiots. It's different as an adult but plenty of kids look up to footballers as their heroes and some of them make a difference to people's lives, so show some respect... especially on a video as sensitive as this.
@@TommyHax Perhaps the parents of these kids you refer to, should teach their kids the “true meaning” of the word...HERO!
That said however, many parents these days are very poor role models, who also idolise footballers as heroes.
Regardless, thanks for your comment.
@brian Walker shut up kids are kids allow them u joker
@@brianwalker1933 I'm not interested in your views on footballers or parenthood, I'm asking you to show some respect. It's not your place to tell someone where they get their happiness or ambition from. You would've thought a video as touching as this would leave you feeling humble and respectful, but I guess some people are just parasitic and spiteful 24/7. I deal with people like you day in day out at work and I honestly believe you're one of the biggest poisons in society, spreading hatred because people don't conform to your beliefs. Pathetic, grow up old man.
Very relatable mate. I’m a YAS Paramedic and I’ve actually been on a job before with you a long time ago. I’m at the point now with the ambulance service how you were with WYP. I’m stuck in the job which is making me unwell but I also have no idea what I could do outside of the service. It is reassuring to see people succeed in life following an exit so keep up the good work mate 👍
Oh Ben , im so sorry about you having retire . I have watched every one , almost , of Police Interseptors . I have watched since it was Road Wars . I was a Special Constable myself many years ago . We see only tge good parts , proberbly . We dont see the personal side of it . I will continue to watch , thats mainly what i watch on television . I have always had a respect and admiration for the Police . I have noticed that some of the films were filmed in 2018/19 . I hope your collegues are all ok , i almost feel i know you all , i have watched so many films . My husband passed away in 2018 , we both enjoyed watching the films . God bless you , and your ex colleagues . Take care .
My dad is a retired Police officer, he’s been diagnosed with both CPTSD and depression. I’ve seen him go from coping to going off the rails. He’s in a good place now, mental health stigma needs to end
Your dad is a hero :)
ive been so glad to have been seeing so many police and military men coming forward like this and on sites like lad bible talking about their troubles so many people look up to guys like ben and your dad as being like the pinnacle of men so seeing that theyre strong enough to open up should help men see that it alright to ask for help and it isnt showing weakness
Big up your old man. Thanks for sticking by him (know that seems pretty obvious since he's your old man) but you have no idea how strong a child's love is when your going through shit. Mine have honestly saved my life twice cause of my depression!
Your dad (and you) are legends... keep at it 💪👏
no wonder ..,,,serving a corrupt government must be disturbing
Liam upon reading your comment it showed that there is a road back to your Dads new normal.
You Dad is a hero, the universe was showing off when he was made.
Kind deeds change lives. It is very exhausting to claw your way back; however the Universe rewards the Brave.
Thank your Dad for his Service.
Sending warm regards and respect from Australia.
Sending you sunshine.
Iv got to say iv never been a big fan off police but after sitting watching your videos iv so much respect for what yous do people don't like to actually think of what yous deal with day in and day out I hope making these videos help you with your ptsd and I hope others that watch this sees what sh** yous need to deal with
You should be immensely proud of yourself Ben. The lives you have touched in your 19 years of service. The strength and stoicism you have when talking about your mental health challenges. You are a proper example of a great man. Best wishes to you and yours Ben x
Bless you Ben, I was in a crash in Spain in 01 were another British biker was killed by a bloke pushing him into the path of an oncoming car, the memory is as vivid today as it was on that day, it crushed / broke me, I had to retire at 45 from truck driving, I broke my marriage to the love of my life.
I've not worked since, being around people is difficult, shopping and seeing family and a bit of fishing is all I do now, most days are spent hiding indoors watching youtube videos and avoiding human contact. Mental illness is an invisible but very real condition that will strike anyone at any time.
Stevethe hardest thing you can do. I'm so isolated people don't know I'm here. Mental illness can kill you just like cancer and other diseases. I take babysteps how many times I have gone to food store. Only to turn around and leave but proud I made it that far. I'm here if you want to talk or ramble. Only have 1 person I can talk to and not sure if they fully understand. Take care of yourself
Get help. Don't waste yourself rerunning the event over and over. I've destroyed enough of my life doing this and turning inward.
All the best fella
This was the hardest video I’ve had to watch in a long time. I’m calling my GP tomorrow because my backpack is getting too heavy lately. Thank you for this video, and thank you for your service.
Do it! Don't put it off. I did... for over 30 years... caused me to have depression to the point of me planning my own suicide and a series of heart attacks. Been in therapy for 2 years. Ben's story is almost a perfect reflection of my own.
@@philklinkenberg1130 How did you get though it? I'm in a similar position.
@@nataliefisher7961 It was incredibly difficult to take the first step, but once it was out it became easier to talk about. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it gets easier once the first hurdle(admittimg that you have a problem) has been crossed I found that talking to people with similar experiences or difficulties became just as important as a fully qualified shrink. No-one of any importance will think less of you. If someone in your circle of family and freinds does look down their nose at you, cut them loose, that's unneccesary baggage that no-one needs. I no longer worry about things that seemed so important for so long. Please, if you are having difficulties coping, seek proffesional help.
I cried when you said that you tried to put the little boy’s death in your backpack and it wouldn’t fit. I know how that feels and it’s devastating. Thank you for having the courage to talk and please take care of yourself. 💜
Xxxxxxxxx❤️
I'm a grown man and I cried when Ben told us about the little boy. This was one of the reasons I haven't joined the police, I don't believe I'd be able to cope seeing things like that. I also couldn't deal with the criminal subsections of society. Ben, you'll have dealt with people that come from a completely different world, hidden out of view from most of the general public and see things that should never be seen.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you mate. For what you did during your time in police. For what you're doing now. Now it's time for you. Take care, over time I hope you can heal.
The backpack anaolgy hit home with me too. I had a breakdown a few years back. My analogy was like I was walking down a hallway trying to get out of a building, but every door I opened had a brick wall behind it. Then I just ran out of doors to open, as I'd opened them all and I had nowehere left to go, and nothing left to try, and I just crashed. The feeling of not being in control was scary. I thought I was weak for not being able to cope and that I was a failure. I was off work for many weeks. Luckily for me I got some help and my work colleagues were superb and never judged me. No one is weak or a failure, we all have our limits and when your emotional reserve is exhausted even the strongest will fall. Don't make the mistake I made and bottle it up until you crash. Recognise the symptoms and get help as soon as you can.
@@gixxerman69 Don't know quite why I stopped at yours to reply. Perhaps it is because your story makes you a bit less of a stranger to me. My camel's straw was 9/11. Up to then I had been (among other pursuits) a SAR (Search & Rescue)/Research diver & EMT for 30 years - seen/done a lot as you might expect. I too have a bag 'o crap.
That September, 5 thousand miles away in Hawaii, all I could do was watch. A few months later I found myself back at my parents house in Arizona, bouts of insomnia followed by sleeping for 18 hours straight - pacing back & forth in the backyard chain smoking my brother's cigarettes. My Dad, a retired pharmacist & former Army medic, would gently ask me how I was doing and always end with suggesting "just let me know" if I wanted to go see his best friend a very respected M.D.. For weeks I declined saying all I needed was some rest and to read more Joseph Campbell, Carl Jung, Zen, or whatever else he had in his library. Thinking I could fix it myself.
"Not being in control" - Luckily I eventually pulled my head out long enough to take my Dad up on his offer. Doc arranged for me to see an old classmate, a top neuro-psychologist in CA. I learned PTSD means pathways are eroded (burnt) in the brain. It becomes a physical/metabolic problem. Chemistry. Something you can't meditate, read, of self medicate yourself out of. You can run but you can't hide. Your bag is overflowing, can't put it down, can't ignore it. And it will eat you. You must admit you can't go it alone & reach out.
20 years later I've managed to heal & get on with life. But I'll never be the same. I have my moments. Once there was a breaking live news feed showing the rescue of a woman in an ice clogged river during a blizzard. She was dog paddling & every stroke was slower than the last. In a moment I realized I had jumped up in front of the TV sobbing, making anxious guttural animal sounds. I couldn't speak. Seems I'm over-sensitized to such things now. In 2011 during the Japan Sendai Tsunami. Brought closer to home hearing & witnessing the crash & roar of homes being destroyed below us in Kealakekua Bay 9 hours later. Plus my daughter is 1/2 Japanese & we have family there. She has been my anchor. 8 years old then. I told her I was having a rough time not being able to go there & help. She said, "Papa don't worry. In Japan they have expert people just like you. And they have lots of them."
My daughter rescued her Dad that day. In fact everyday since she came to be. Aloha.
im in my sitting room rn just crying uncontrollably, just feeling so awful for this guy whos a literal hero. i wish i could just remove the pain he's felt and is feeling it's horrible how the best people can suffer. i wish him all the best.
My backpack overflowed wen I was about 17/18 years old. I tried to commit suicide in front of a massive audience cos I thought no one will notice except I forgot my baby siblings and hearing them screaming while I drown myself is something no one ever wants to experience. I didn’t wanna die but I just wanted to stop feeling the way I was feeling. 2 years later now, am a bit better but still struggling but know how to cope wiv it. I have my bad days and good days but hearing this just reminded me that I still have a reason to keep going and that we all have our own stories. Thank you so much for sharing this and I know this was a struggle to record but your helping more people by telling your story than you might know ❤️❤️❤️
Just remember there's people out there who love you and would live in pain even like living in a nightmare if you were to kill yourself,you are in a bad way feeling down but imagine your loved ones after you kill yourself,THAT is feeling down my friend and it doesn't get any better
Hope your doing ok, sometimes I just sit down when I'm having a bad day and say to myself, I suppose this is what makes the good days better lol. PTSD is so hard to deal with, you can be doing great for hrs, days maybe weeks or months then in a flash, your in that moment physically, emotionally, mentally, completely engulfed and overwhelmed with trauma !
Staying occupied helps me
wHen
Lol 😂
@@zeroalpha2912 what exactly do you find funny there dickhead?
Ben, I really hope you are doing well. I don't normally write on these, but I had to say that we are not alone. Myself similar to you joined the force in 2001, I also found that, that rucksack just kept filling up to the point there just wasn't any room anymore and just got heavier with each shift I did. It got to the point where I eventually also just broke...
Everything you said, I was able to relate to. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and all that comes with it..
No longer in the force now, after 16 years of service...
I just wanted to wish you all the best really...
From someone in the military ptsd isn’t a disease it’s a illness that needs to be addressed, the mod and government don’t take responsibility for the actions and experiences we go through and there should be actions in place for the sacrifice we make from the calls you get on a daily basis, and the ops we go on as a unit, I’ve known many of strong men that have gave up due to ptsd and its heart breaking, keep strong mate it was heart warming to hear you talk about this so openly I wish people from all over the services would open up like this, would give the blokes a chance to help each other
Front line workers are all at risk. I worked as a social worker for over 20 years in child protection. I got PTSD too. It took a long time to manage my symptoms. I have never worked again. I still get nightmares etc. I can really identify with his struggle. Any further trauma is ubearable, and it starts all over again, I get psuedo seizures I broke my ankles legs and elbows (lack of concentration) and wet the bed every night for 5 years from nightmares. Panic attacks are bloody awful. It has caused family issues which are not resolved. I live alone with no friends and never go out. I sued the government for not protecting me, and won, but i'd rather have my life back. Keep going lad you are still a young man. Good luck.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. This man is a true human being. Thankyou for having such a big heart 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story, you were amazing on interceptors and you should be extremely proud of your 19 years service. Think of the lives you saved, the people you helped, the people who got their property back because of the work you and your team did.stay frosty and crack on as we say in Yorkshire
Cheers buddy. Never thought of it that way before. X
@@BenPearson1965 👍👍 top banana bloke 👍👍
@@BenPearson1965 It took real bravery to tell your story, how the job took its toll. It's not a job I ever could take lightly, but in those 19 years you made such a difference to others. Even if you know it or not, we are truly grateful for it all; and you are still making a difference now, advocating the importance mental health and sharing your stories, good bad or daft. Good on you Ben.
I was a victim of an awful crime and you guys gave me so much strength. As someone with PTSD it’s about time police offices get the same support and recognition for mental health etc as soldiers. X
Absolutely.
Soldiers dont get much support hence there being so many problems with mental health with the forces.
Worst idea I ever had , worst job I did .boring , know support .
Rta, I went to, legs below knees chopped off, also first suicide.
Soldiers don't get hardly any support. But I agree there should be alot more support for them
19 years . Thank you for your service Ben . Wish you all the best .
Ben, so open and honest, thank you for brining mental health to the forefront. There is no stigma to it, there really is only so much the body can take, and those in the emergency services, armed forces, are amongst those who carry the heaviest burdens
Who tf dislikes this - a person talking openly about their struggles in a bid to help others is incredibly selfless and takes a lot of courage. Thanks Ben for doing this and helping break down the mental health stigmas that are out there.
We all deal with emotion in different ways. Dislike as in makes them upset? Not necessarily the content.
@@aspectabove that's a fair point, I guess I have a bit of a binary view of 'Like & Dislike'. I would however predict that the consensus understanding of disliking a video is to express towards the content vs your own projection of emotion, but I see it both ways.
It's all the nobheads hes nicked before, god bless Ben
I suffer with PTSD myself, it can be a silent killer for anxiety. You can be okay for a few weeks and than it strikes you out of the blue and can make you suffer for weeks on end. Very true when you said, you get coping mechanisms as time goes on but it is a lifelong condition.
Your explanation was so articulate and hit home. Thank you for being so open witht his it really helps others understand. Honestly just wanted to give you a hug and let you know everything is going to be okay.
Ben, I'm so thankful for what you and the police force do. October 29th 2021, I dialed 999, I wasn't sure if I'd get help, my step dad had physically assaulted me, I was hurt, I was petrified, I was almost impossible to understand. The two officers that came were beyond amazing, they had one with him and my mum, she sided with my step dad, I had one with Me, I just wanted help, I got it. You and all of your colleagues are true heroes, I'm sorry if I'm not making all that much sense, I'm basically trying to thank you and the metropolitan police for helping me and many others in our times of need, for running head first into danger while we all run away, thank you. 💙
Ben, I was a cop, myself, for nearly 10 years. We've all had our fair share of jobs where we make that walk up to someone's front door and tell them their loved one isn't coming home. It gets to you. It took courage to make that video and I respect you for doing it because you've probably helped a lot of people by sharing your experiences with them. You're a good man, Ben. All the best for the future.
I trained a guy up at my old job he was an ex police officer who retired because in his own words “ I just couldn’t do it anymore” we spent 4 days out in the road together some of the stories he told me really stuck with me so I can’t imagine what it’s really like to deal with hands on. Big big respect for talking about it and I hope it makes it easier for you
Thank you for this. You’ve made me realise I need help, as my bag has been overflowing for years now. I’ve been hoarding these bad emotions, images and the flashbacks - and have never been ‘man-enough’ to admit it all and confront my own mentality, until this video.
I thank you Ben, for helping me.
👊🏻👍🏻
So powerful Ben. I’m 23, joined ‘the job’ at 19, it’s so important that coppers (and anyone really) takes in this message and speaks up when the backpack begins to fill. The thin blue line is with you mate
I'm hoping to join up as soon as my local force starts recruiting again. It's such a hopeful thing to see people like Ben speaking about mental and thankfully it's becoming recognized as the big issue that it actually is.
@The Flying Spaghetti Monster
Thanks for your input you knob. You've no idea.
@The Flying Spaghetti Monster I agree officer can always be better trained. My point is if youve never done the job you haven't the got a clue what the job is all about. There are over 132,000 police officers in England and Wales. You seem to be tarring everyone of them with the same brush. There are good and bad in all people. You've obviously had a bad experience.
If I'm wrong please enlighten me. But seeing as you keep you identity to yourself, I doubt you'll share this with us.
That’s the problem THE THIN BLUE LINE!
@@daveoconnor5084 👈how many time to those in the Job, have seen abuse by their colleagues and reported it?!
Massive respect to you for doing this video. The thing everyone seems to forget is that behind the uniform is a living, breathing, feeling human being. It boils my blood watching the police shows and seeing the way the police are treated. You are a very strong person. Good luck for the future with your channel
Shame you have ptsd , but its a shame too about the liberties youve taken from people .
@@bfdmanbfd personally I have never been in a position or situation that has gotten me involved with the police so I have never seen this side of it maybe if more people didn’t get into situations they wouldn’t find themselves at odds with the police. No matter what your experience my original point still stands they are human beings.
@@chefinavan1 unfortunately for people who break the law, the powers they are given mean they can take people’s liberties away but if you want to be free and left to live your life stick to the law
@@Zombiechef91 so your openly admitting you know the police are assholes and advise not breaking the law or going near them in the first place?, will make note of that for future reference, thanks.
@@Zombiechef91 and so are the people they persecute on a daily basis, there also humans, so was the woman who got kidnapped, raped and mutilated a few weeks ago, your argument is so weak, your leaving to much room for contradictions. REALITY CHECK - last time I checked we was all human?
Never has a clip had so much resonance with me, I'm an NHS paramedic,have been for 20 years, i attended a job back 2010, involving three children under the age of 4,
I couldn't and didnt want to seek help, i just got on with the next call that was sent through to me, 5 years later, following another traumatic incident, i just buckled, I thought I'd held it together well until my wife informed me that i hadn't been right for a couple of weeks leading upto my breakdown but she couldn't communicate with me, I'd become insular, 8 years later, im still healing, i actually had some fantastic help and support from local GP and CMHT, alas the ambulance service that i work for were no help at all, thanks for sharing Ben you should be proud of yourself!
Well that half an hour of life ill not get back and im really glad i spent it watching this before coming across yiur channel yestursay i too used to think the same about traffic cops that they where just out to catch people bearly breaking the speed limit but after hearing your storys and what youve got to say i actually feel sorry for them, after all they are humans too. Thats the first time ive heard abouting taking your problems and putting them in an ivisable back pack but it really helps to understand mental health. Stay strong ben and keeo up the good videos
My backpack overflowed about 14 years ago, I attempted to end my life. My backpack is still heavy but I’ve learned to carry it. I cried when you told your story, you were strong as a police officer, you were strong as a son doing the right thing for your mum, you didn’t become weak when you “snapped” your body said I can’t carry anymore. You are still strong and you have shown this by sharing your story and teaching others that it’s ok to need help. Stay strong and love on your babies, god bless you x
I don’t get it why backpack overflowed
I hope your doing well
Had a nervous breakdown 30 years ago over something that happened in my personal life. Even now it lingers in a corner of my mind and rears it's head when I see certain issues on the news or tv.
I commend you Ben for making these videos, really hope they enable others to seek help and are cathartic for you. Take care.
Ben, that has been one of the most powerful,emotional and genuinely honest words I have ever heard. It takes guts to put your hand up and admit for help. Mental illness is a crippling silent disease that many underestimate. Absolutely total respect for you, not just for your professional commitment to protect us when we need help, but for being able to completely open up and ask for help. By doing this your rucksack becomes lighter bit by bit.
You tube has many 'hard watches' this was the toughest of all.
Huge respect to Ben and to all frontline workers running to things we would all run away from.
Indeed... I found this very much a "hard watch"..... I've been a fireman (only for two years) but I never saw the horrors this guy did.
I know now...I was lucky..... Most of us are.
Ben Your such a brave soul telling us about this. Never be ashamed of crying your human like the rest of us.
I worked for the ambulance service almost 30 years ago. One night a voice in my head told me I had to get out and I quit. I still have thoughts about that time almost everyday. But, life gets better and it is joyful. Take care.
Thank you Chris xx
my stepdads a paramedic infact features on inside the ambulance hes proud of the work he does and so are we all but you can see it gets to him and has changed him
my eternal thanks goes to all emergency services workers who take on the tireless work to make us all safe who carrys theese burdons every day so we all may sleep safe at night
@Multidimensional God Yes. Some didn't hear that voice. 😞
Ben I watched every episode you did. I’m so sorry for what you have been thru. My ex husband was a firefighter and he left that job because of stress and it also ended our marriage. You are so courageous to speak out and to be honest real and raw. I think all these services need so much more support and debriefing that would help. I had a baby at the time and it was so difficult. I send you loads of love respect and strength.love leisa Western Australia xxx
Hi you. Thank you and hope it’s sunny and warm down there. Keep pushing!
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don’t have strength.” -Napoléon Bonaparte
You’ve done more than anyone could have possibly asked. Forget TWOC’d cars and chases, doubtless you’ve been there for many families in their time of need when going through similar to what you’ve described here. Enjoy the time with your family Ben, you and they have earned it.
Thank you Paul x
Ben,it is good sign that you found a way to speak up..How many people go thru similar experience but they don't talk.
Many with PTSD or any trauma never speak about this silent killer inside..
Very few stay in some kind of state just enough to live so called "normal" life...
Most of them seek a remedy on the wrong side so they can't continue without alcohol,drugs..
Sadly there is a still big number of people who at a certain point in their life commit suicide ...
I have PTSD ...
I was 18 y.o. when war started in ex Yugoslavia...
If I start talk about what i saw with my own eyes as a civil witnessing all death,blood etc I would need a book to put it all down..
I didn't talk about it...I was OK for 12 long years thinking yeah i survived..So many times esspecially first few years after war was finished i would hear every month new suicide happened ..
Guys would look normal,tonight they drink,having a laugh & fun and tomorrow they gone..They suffered inside so bad but you can't see because they never talk about it..
I was married got my second son ,working and i thought i must put everything behind me,all that horrible war years so i can continue live as s normal human being....
BUT....What trigger me to provoke and wake up traumatized me it wasn't big deal but escalate quick and in short period of time I hit the roof...
My next month was horrible i couldn't go outside in front of house just to pick mail from mailbox..
Coffee after coffee,cigarette,med to calm me down...No appetite,insomnia,anger woow...Wife tried everything to explain me i need to see a doctor but i would reject saying it will go away,it is temporary ..I know nothing about why i act like the way i do..Where is anger from and many unanswered questions..
Finaly I set in the car and my wife took me to see a doc...
Long story short i was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD..lots of talk,medication and a new chapter in my life absolutely unknown..
But i remember you mention after crack you haven't be the same and guess what?
That was the first thing doctor said to my wife..Please understand this..HE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...That scarred my wife to the core because she asked what do you mean by that,in whicj way not dame..He said it can go in any direction..
And i m not same..i don't have a patience as i had before....I don't get excited anymore..i am alone...my wife couldn't deal with my new life...i neglected her but not because i wanted..it just happened...When i say neglected i mean i lost sex drive,i forgot to cuddle her,to comfort her as i used to do..All of that wadn't my choice..it was the way it is and i didn't know how to change things around..Then i got bad back injury and on top of all weight on my shoulders ,oxycontin came to my life..and i welcomed it very much..Finaly i was able to get rid of mental and physical pain..I don't need to tell you what that oxyevil done to me...
I became a zombie....She cried and ask for divorce...I loved her but i told her OK i guess it s better..
She didn't believe this circle will ever brake..I didn't blame her...
So against all odds ,her opinion i stopped with oxycontin...
I got proper medication and here i am..5 years without oxy..
I don't have plans,well not big on my mond it s just day by day aiming to feel better and better..
Because of anger issue i didn't go out night time,no alcohol.
I am now better then yesterday but doc was right..I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME GUY....
And you want believe what i miss the most in my life...HUG ..I just miss a hug..All these years i thought myself ok i m bloody tough ,i never cried ,i wish i did but i couldn't cry
..More then 30 years i didn't drop a singlr tear and still i can't cry..I lost both my parents which i love them deeply but i didn't cry even then..
Ok i do apologize for very long comment please forgive me ..
Ben thank you for telling us yor story ,part in your life that was very painful for you..All the best ,take care ...
you sir are a hero ... you have done a job 99% of people couldnt do .. i have family in the force and i hold them high and support them any way i can
I couldn’t watch this whole thing. By 11:45 I’m writing this and closing it. It’s like someone sitting in front of me describing shit I’m covering up in my own life and it’s too real for half 2 in the afternoon on a Thursday whilst travelling for work. I’m thankful for this video because when I’m in my own space later on, I’ll be coming back and using it as my own wake up call 😳
Don’t be afraid to stick your hand up and ask for help. I emailed occupational health, it too, them four days to get back to me, in the meantime I rang my own Doctor who signed me off immediately when she heard the stuff I was talking to her about and the issues it gave me. Reach out and get help, don’t suffer, it’s not healthy.
Chin up bud won't always be such a struggle
joey , hang in there man, you not alone.xxx
Joey, Hit me at the perfect moment in my life! I have been dealing with PTSD plus chronic back pain for 26 years! I have no 1 but myself to either decide to live or do an overdose to end all this Depression & the Darkness that comes with it! So each day I have to decide whether to try 1 more day or just overdose & be over with it! This man is very encouraging for people like myself! Blessings to all who are in the same PLACE!
Hang in there Joey!
The fact that you recognise things are wrong is a huge step.
Help is out there.
I'm a news videographer for a TV station in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I see some horrible things too in my job. And, I have many police officer friends. They go through what you've gone through.
Ben, I'm happy and grateful that you've shared your story. Hopefully it will help others and I hope an pray that you continue to recover. You were an amazing officer, but you're an even more incredible human being.
May God bless you and your family. You have support here in America.
Thank you pal, that really means a lot, hope you’re all well over there x
Well said! He's a top guy
You did the right thing. You said you needed help. You did what you could. You did the best you could confronted with that disastrous event. You had to face the worst that life has to offer, and now you’ve made it past it. You were going through hell, and you kept going. The only alternative was stopping. You’ll be alright. You’re helping everyone now by telling us what happened to you. Because bad things happen to all of us, but they happened to you much harder and longer than it happens to most. Well done. Well done.
I've watched this several times since you posted it, i've read your books and all i have to offer is a hug. You're in excess of a foot taller than me but if we were both sitting down, i could reach to hug you and hold you and lift the back pack and take if off you. it would be heavy but you could help me lift it because you're physically stronger than me. Between us we can put it on the floor and then hug.... this post makes me cry every time i watch it but for anyone in a job where people rely on you to make things right, we all need to cry and recognise each other crying and help with the back pack. These posts make us all stronger Ben because we listen and we recognise.... thank you for helping us do that.
This is an extremely powerful video. I admire you immensely more for your honestly and bravery in sharing this to help others over how ‘robust’ you may have portrayed yourself in the show. I pretty much cried from end to end my friend. Thank you for your service in the force, thank you for your openness now, and I truly wish you the very best for the future as you start emptying your back pack.
You’re a hero.
Thank you.
Thank you xxx
Well said. Absolutely agree ❤️
Ben I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a massive rucksack from 14 years in the Ambulance service. I had the same problem with trying to pretend that things didn't get to me. Still suffering now 20 years later. Kudos to you for putting this out there.
Gaz, ty for what u said....needed to hear it!
Thank-you so much for sharing Ben, you are strong and brave and being open and able to share this deeply personal experiences is incredible, you have my ultimate respect. I too was a serving Police Officer, I retired after 19 years service (17 years ago)...unbeknown to me my back-pack was overflowing...listening to your story it's the detail that really stands out to me... 'the converse shoes'...I had a very similar experience a toddler died in my arms following an RTC...the 'Ninja Turtle trainer' (only one) remains with me to this day...my own son at home wearing the very same ones. Also the drivers two children safely fastened in their car seats whilst their Dad's life will never be the same having being unable to avoid the lone toddler stepping into the road. Over the years many of my experiences re-visit me...I absolutely loved being a Police Officer...but sadly the emotional fallout has taken it's toll. I also still shed many tears but try to remain optimistic... I have a truly wonderful life, but my memories are very real and are never far away. I'm proud that my son is now a serving Police Officer, and so life goes on...I really hope he talks to me if his back pack is a little heavy. Take care Ben and keep your stories coming xx
Thinking of you pal x
Ben, from one ex cop to another, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through it. We all have. Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I had a breakdown one night shift, and I never worked the streets again. Left in 2007.
Ben you are an inspiration, going through this pain you have will have helped your closest colleagues. They will have seen what trauma has done to you and how you are getting help and becoming stronger for it.
They will now not feel like they have to “man up” and keep going. You have identified your triggers and they will be able to see this.
I am so sorry that you have given your life to policing for us “the public” and felt like you have had to leave your vocation. We need to do better to support our police through these times and do what ever it takes to retain you.
From one public servant to another I thank you for your service and I am sorry.
Paddy
Royal Navy Medic (medical retirement)
Ambulance technician (elastic band snapped)
PTSD survivor and to this day I battle on
Thank you Ben for sharing your story with us in these videos and pushing to normalise mental health issues.
Bless ya, Ben. Mental health is no joke. Haven't gone through what you've been through, but have been in a bad place a fair few times in my 45 years on earth, and now with my current job. Same as you, no one has really helped. They've listened, they've gone through the formailities, but no one actually helped and asked if I'm OK. I leave my job in a few weeks as life is more important than a title and a bit of cash.
All the best, mate. Keep ya chin up. Look after you for a while ;)
You may or may not ever see this Ben, but your videos randomly appeared on my feed so I watched. All I can say is you are a real life hero. You've sacrificed a part of you because you had to, you clearly gave your soul to the force and stayed a pillar of stability when others would fold. I salute you Sir. I hope your road to recovery is easy and painless. You and your family deserve the very best!
I cried the whole time, you are an amazing person, your real and you dont hide that, i spent my whole life struggling with depression and ptsd, my mum died when i was a year old, my dad couldnt take it and wasnt around much so his mum raised me, well if u call it that, every time she was upset with me she would blame me for my mum dieing, my mum died of cervical cancer, she found out when she was pregnant with me, she chose to have me rather than go through the treatments because she wanted a child, so i basicly grew up thinking i killed my mum, i turned to drugs and alcohol and finally got clean from that, but its a long road and i think you never get over some things, like you said you put them on a shelf and sometimes you look at them and sometimes you take them out and just cry, its all you can do, when you dont have the proper help and support its a very hard road, im glad you are who you are, i think you are wonderful ! if i could climb through my screen right now id hug you honestly lol
Deeply moved by Ben's story ,I hope the your world's becoming a better place .They sag a problem scared is a problem halved, I truly believe that
Wow this video hits hard, I have so much respect for him. We don’t talk about mental health as much as we should
I am a from Bradford and stubbled across this guy from Police interceptors , so thought i would give it a watch ... i can whole heartedly say it touched me in so many ways i cant begin to imagine his contents of his rucksack ... simply wow , just wow ..
If your ever In Oxford area and want someone to just listen and have a brew I'm here for you. What an amazing man you are never forget that !
I'm ex criminal justice. Retired with untreatable PTSD. PROUD OF YOU BEN.
Ben, It takes alot of courage to come out and talk about PTSD and the reasons for it. I was discharged from the Army in 2015 due to PTSD and injury caused by active service. It will take time mate to put it to the back of your heads i can assure you i still have problems dealing with stuff 17 years ago in Iraq. Stick in there pal. All the best...
Randomly got this in my recommended after binge watching Police Interceptors, and honestly it's made me tear up. When watching shows like that, it is hard to see you and the other police as humans, if you get what I mean? And then when you hear stories like this...
Thank you for all your service, and I hope you continue to recover from the stress and other illnesses you developed
And now imagine, going to your next job (incident) where youre arresting someone for shouting abuse in a high street- and everyone gets their phone cameras out, calling you a pig etc.
#normal
Ben, I feel the same way, as a Paramedic on the front line with 14 years of seeing the best and worst of people I had to leave a job I love to fly a desk, Talking is amazing, I have found a release in writing my experiences but feel it's not what people want to read.
Keep up the channel, it's a great move.
Hi Ben, would you be prepared to speak to me about your experiences on camera? I'm working on a TH-cam channel similar to 'Lad Bible' and would love to have you on to talk. All the best, James.
I’m still filling my backpack. And I’m going to take that analogy to the docs next week when I go and tell them that I’m worried that my sleeping and diet has changed, I’m irritable all the time and I constantly feel tired. Thank you for sharing. Hero.
Jonathan do you know what is causing your back pack to fill up.
A Bobby that’s ok with not being ok. Beautiful soul ❤️. Keep sharing because you are helping millions xxx Love from Scotland 🏴 xxx
This is so harrowing, so sad, yet, (dare I say), also inspiring. It's difficult to say it inspires, because you've clearly experienced more pain, more anxiety and more anguish than most people will experience in their whole life and to say you're inspired by someone else's pain seems so wrong. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across as rude or obnoxious.
The analogy of the rucksack resonates with me and will with a lot of other people. As someone who has suffered with mental health in the past, I thank you for this and although I don't have the cure to my own mind, the message you've put across is clear and will help me and others.
Thank you for sharing this.
Ben I totally know where you’re coming from, after nearly 30 years in both the Fire and Ambulance service! You have my utmost respect for your service, your skills could now be utilised in helping your colleagues who also suffer silently
@No Pill 4 me coward
@Pete Singletons the comment I was responding to has disappeared now so don't worry about it...
True!
❤️
I've been watching you on Police Interceptors for years. Had no idea you'd retired. But what a heartbreaking story. Thank you for being strong enough to tell it. It bought a few tears to my eyes. I have nothing but respect for you. Thank you.
Very honest, very raw. Blows away the fantasies of being a cop is really like. The pressure to protect and serve a community is massive.
Bless you mate and bless the good you have done in this world.
You will be ok I know
I really want to give you a hug Ben.
I've likened my breakdown to a glass being slowly filled with water and one day it just overflows. Your mind can only cope with so much heartache, misery and disappointment, and 7 years later I still deal with the aftermath of the day my light switch was flicked and I'd had enough.
I would love to say it gets better, but it doesn't, you just find a new way of living with the new you and you hope that those people who love you can do the same, otherwise that could be the final straw.
Dealing with the things you've seen and experienced will always take effort from you and you can't stop putting that effort in.
We have decided, now that mental strength is gradually returning, the only chance to get better is to change our lives for good, and hope once Covid allows we can move forward with our plans, and now that you have left the job, hopefully you will find your new life too.
I've watched Interceptors etc since it started, watched you on there, and before I watched this video, I had a preconception of how I would feel about you doing it, mainly down to my own interactions with the police over the years, I was wrong.
Stay strong.
Feelings compound, positive & negative.
It's always the straw that breaks the camels back.
A timeless phrase for a timeless problem.
This video in my opinion is the best explanation of how it feels to be crushed by anxiety and depression, what a true caring gentlemen you are, and a credit to your community, I wish you all the best to you and your family in the future my friend.
💕💕
It's heart breaking. I'm 39 years old.I lost my mum 3 years ago to a brain tumour & lost my dad 3 days ago. My daughter found him face down in front of the fire. We all carry the backpack too. Your an amazing man & stronger than you think. Not many people could fit that much in their backpack before it breaks. Look after yourself Ben.
So sorry for the loss of your mum and dad bless you and your family
I had a similar time with my mum she was on intensive care for 3 days I stayed with her for 12 hours and they said she is looking a lot better. I remember going out of the hospital with a smile on my face thinking she has done it very soon she will be off the ventilator and will get better. I remember going to bed that night and I got the best night sleep that I had in a while. I then get a Call from my dad saying get the hospital she has took a turn for the worse. We got there and had to make the decision to pull the plug the sepsis had become to much to in her body. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Ben you are an inspiration! Keep strong 💪
I was told that a person who is depressed is the last person to realise it.
I thought everyone was going on at me and was confused why people kept asking what was wrong.
Depression is a whole perception change, I described it like all the colours change but you don't realise; blue is still blue to a depressed person but it is actually red and you wonder why everyone is saying it is red.
You have no joy. You don't enjoy your kids, friends, family and everything is a huge effort.
Getting up is daunting because once your feet hit the floor you know that you have the whole day to face.
I subscribed to your channel. Well done Ben for your honesty and exposing some very raw wounds. God bless.
thank you so much for having the bravery to share this... I was a nurse and ended up leaving the profession due to stress and admitting i couldn't carry on was the best decision i made. After years of counselling and medication i am now feeling much better.
If anyone reading this can relate to even a little of this please admit you have a problem and get help... you would get help for a broken leg so please ask for help for your mental health also...
I was sat with my 2 year old son watching this, felt physically sick when you mentioned the boy😔 Big respect for you, so strong💜
You're not broken mate, you just need help, I'm watching this and seeing a brave man who I think is feeling a bit guilty, maybe because you feel you've let people down, the stuff you've been through is enough to make any one suffer, Christ that bairn story nearly had me in tears, chins up, keep going' you will feel better the pain doesn't last forever :)
I have got so much respect for you Ben, so much respect
A few years ago a neighbour fell and broke his hip, I laid down and held him and chatted for an hour till the ambulance came, he'd been a sailor all his life, so brave and strong. I didn't realise, he was slowly fading away in my arms in front of his wife. I have never really thought about it until now, so I'm having a good cry. Cheers Ben.
Respect from a current London Ambulance medic mate you make me proud...
Respect from a retired Paramedic of 35 years.
This was a heartbreaking video to watch. I truly hope that you get better and can enjoy the rest of your life with your family and without the weight of the backpack. But despite the negatives, just remember the good that you did for the community in your 19 years, I was 4 years old when you joined the police.
I thought you were ace in Police Intercepters and I'm incredibly happy that I found this channel. I'm in my final year of a degree with a hope of becoming a Police Officer in Nottinghamshire thereafter and this video shows that it's not all arresting bad guys and driving fast cars but that there is human element. Police Forces across the nation, although resources are stretched, should do more to support their officers. I wish you nothing but the best for the future and I've subscribed for future content. Thank you for being an absolute hero ❤️
(Edit: I've just bought your book, I'm looking forward to reading it)
Thank you buddy. That means a lot x
You are so brave to do this Ben my heart goes out to you and I hope that you can move forward soon and enjoy your family once again take care xx
Hey Mum, thank you so much for recommending Ben. Gosh, my heart. What a man 💜
The clarity this guy has is admirable
Your a brave man. Talking openly about it is the only way to make yourself lighter i find .. you will help a lot of people by posting this video..
PTSD is horrible. I ended up in hospital with it in 2013 and I am not the same man I was. Lost so much because of it. Thanks for speaking out Ben.
I don’t usually comment on videos but this really hit home for me watching this Ben thank you for doing this video
Ben that has got to be one of the most heartbreaking videos I’ve watched. My heart goes out to you. The courage you show in making these videos and talking about your mental health the way you do, you should be very proud of yourself. From one rucksack carrier to another stay strong, you can do this take care xx
Thank you Donna x
You made me cry at work I'm glad I work on my own people need to understand that everyone who works in the emergency service's do a very difficult job which they have to take home with them you are all amazing thank you for all that you do
Thanks to all the emergency response service men and women, for putting your hard work and at times sacrificing your free time to keep the general public safe at times I feel as though these people don’t get enough credit or reward for what they do and what they sacrifice to make our country a lot safer