stealing my inheritance?! r/AITA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ส.ค. 2024
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thanks for watching! turns out the second one in particular with the sleeping papa is pretty divisive, thank you for sharing your views, it’s brilliant to learn from others 🥰
I’m understanding now that for many, and esp for single parents, it’s totally appropriate to sleep when your baby is sleeping, or you’d never have time to sleep at all! At the same time, I also totally appreciate the wife’s panic in this particular situation and maintain its still dangerous to sleep at the same time if you’re SUCH a heavy/deep sleeper that you don’t even wake up when the baby is taken from you and someone starts shouting. A couple of you have suggested that it’s okay if a deep sleeper trained themselves to sleep lightly, or used frequent alarms to check on little squish. I love both of these ideas! Thanks for teaching me something new 💛
Maybe he wasn't such a deep sleeper. You just assumed that because he said the wife was already holding the baby when he came to awareness. If someone is willing to yell at the top of her lungs while holding a 7 month old, she may also have snatched the baby up very quickly and began yelling immediately. You assumed that she took her time to pick the baby up gently because that's what you would do, but that doesn't sound to me like what she did. There may only have been a second between the time she grabbed the baby and he woke up to her yelling.
Also, it's not always feasible to have someone constantly awake to watch the child. 7 months isn't that young, imo. Depending on how you fell asleep with the baby it can be absolutely safe and every parent I know/have spoken to has had this happen. As long as you make sure to lay down (or even sit-lay) in such a way that the baby cannot fall out/roll off without you holding it and immediately awakening, I'd say it's ok.
It's also cultural. So many cultures have family beds and do so safely. In the West it is frowned upon and said to increase SIDS (sudden infant death syndomr), but, to reassure myself, because little squish #1 wouldn't sleep without physical contact for the first 3-4 months, I looked up the stats between Germany (where we lived) and Japan (where the family bed is the norm and tradition). Japan has much lower percentages of SIDS; so it's nuanced.
In short, baby-proof stuff, do your research and make sure you're on the same page with your partner.
In case readers couldn't tell, yes, I am very passionate on this topic and believe we have to stop telling young parents something is dangerous (as an absolute) when, depending on what we look at, different recommendations have counterindications, there's different cultures and it's so often nuanced! :)
on the first one: no one is talking about the fact that the rest of the family completely ignored the birthday altogether?? like, the mum and sister didn't even remember/acknowledge OP's birthday. and OP said that birthdays are usually a big deal in the family, so the fact that they aren't only getting upset that OP had a lovely dinner with their partner (not a big party, just a small, intimate dinner with their girlfriend) but that they actively ignored the birthday must really hurt. OP is definitely nta
This. It’s giving me strong vibes that Denise is the golden child and OP is the scapegoat in that family.
I also wonder if they were embarrassed that they had forgotten the birthday and were conflating their embarrassment with their grief.
I'm glad that last person turned to the internet for advice, and I hope they listened to it! The uncle needs to find another way to get money besides harassing a seventeen-year-old with no mom and a future to worry about. Period.
Yeah, it sounds super abusive and manipulative.
Honestly, if I were the friend of the mother who was put in charge of the inheritance, I would be telling Frank to back off because the OP isn’t in charge of the money, I am, and I’m not letting them be manipulated by someone who has never been there for them. I wouldn’t let a 17 year old be put in that situation.
Exactly! I was also thinking mom's friend was doing a terrible job at protecting a minor (& their inheritance) they're partly responsible for
I agree that no one should sleep with an infant in their arms, but if the baby is asleep and safe in their crib or bassinet, then there is no issue with the caregiver taking a nap as well. Or stepping away to do something else while they have a moment to themselves. Sleeping babies don't need to be watched constantly - if they did, single parents would never be able to sleep.
But that’s not the issue. She wouldn’t of kicked off had he of put the baby in a crib but he had the baby in his arms on a sofa, and then he didn’t even wake up when she took the baby from him (assuming the baby wasn’t already out of his arms when she came home) he only woke up after she was holding the baby and yelling. Anything could of happened. If the baby was in the crib it wouldn’t of been an issue
@@amywonderland9297 My comment was in response to Shaaba saying you shouldn't be sleeping if you're the only person watching over an infant. (6:50)
That’s what I was thinking, plus co-sleeping is safe when done correctly
I was going to say this as well!! Parents are also still just fleshy squishy organisms that require sleep! You should just be sure your baby is in a safe situation while you do so.
yes exactly
With the friend giving OP's uncle their number, I can't help but wonder if the friend felt intimidated or threatened by the uncle and so they felt the safest option was to comply. Frank definitely sounds like the kind of man who would put scary levels of pressure on people to get what he wants, so I can't really hold any negative feeling towards to friend for passing the number on
Or he may have flat out lied about why he wanted her number.
3. Frank can get stuffed! He turned his back on his sister when she had CANCER! How dare he then come back after she’s passed to then harass her 17 y/o over money. I really hope he didn’t give him the money
Second story: it is absolutely to fine to fall asleep while being in charge of a baby. Parents of babies don't just take shifts of being awake at night. And as others pointed out, single parents would never be allowed to sleep.
However: it is dangerous to fall asleep with a baby in your arms, next to you, or roaming free. If you notice you're too tired, put the baby in their crib, and then you can go sleep.
This is why I've 100% baby-proofed half the flat so I can cordone that area off and it is safe for me to take a nap while the kiddo is playing and I'll be awoken by cries/babble when there's a need. I'm afraid there aren't (few to no) absolutes. The important thing is to be educated and take safety precautions (and be on the same page as one's partner). :)
Story 1: NTA, the one commenter that said "a quiet dinner with your partner instead of a huge celebration is the most respectful way you could've gone about it" pretty much nailed my thoughts. I don't blame Denise for being upset, but at the same time I feel like OP deserves to have a birthday.
Story 2: not sure I want to call OP an asshole but he's also not right. "sleep when the baby sleeps" is good advice and OP should follow it, but *put her down in the crib for christ sake*
Story 3: NTA, Frank asking once might have been alright, but pushing it so hard and *sending other family members to try to convince you* is really shitty
I feel like for the 3rd one it was never alright for a 37 year old to ask a 17 year old for his dead moms money.
@@Moey_idk yeah, that is a very good point
@@Moey_idk Especially a mom that was shunned by her own family, had to earn that money alone with a kid to care of, and that he refused to house when she was ill. That's the definition of being an asshole ^^'
You’re 100% right about the birthday. Those people are acting like no one should ever be happy again because they are sad. It’s not disrespectful AT ALL to have a nice quiet dinner with your partner and enjoy yourself while other people are having THEIR OWN FEELINGS IN THEIR OWN HOMES MY GOD PEOPLE… I think I’m having flashbacks to the unreasonable guy who got mad that I said “happy new year” when he was sitting at home feeling sad and how very dare I 😂
But also, they didn't even bother to congratulate the OP on their birthday!!
@@SlothDaan I’m not surprised though!
@@bitchenboutique6953 Me a little. At least send a congratulations before going off on someone for 'celebrating' their birthday..
Grief and mourning are difficult things, and not something to judge over. But I still have feelings about it..
@@SlothDaan her mum “forgot” her birthday. Her own effing MOTHER 😭😭😭
What’s the point of grieving a lost one if you can’t cherish the people alive?
Well, wouldn’t the mindset be, “well, [deceased person] would have wanted us to celebrate”
Okay, OP should be ALLOWED to celebrate their birthday. I get not celebrating on the actual day of death, but anniversary of deaths? Sorry, but that is still OP's birthday, and they are allowed to celebrate AND post about it, just like everyone else does on their birthdays. There are only 365 days in a year. Bad and good things will happen on every day, and you can't ban someone from celebrating the good just because there's also bad.
This is coming from someone who lost their Mom as a kid, and also closed and moved into my first home on the anniversary of her death.
I totally agree. And I am someone who after my mom's death found out that the date is also my name day and had a friend whose birthday was on the same day. Anyway I wonder what they were expecting of the op - say to their partner "fuck off, I don't want dinner"? xD bc how can anyone eat when it's someone's death anniversary?
On Denise's nearest birthday I wouldn't send any wishes and if I found out she was celebrating in any way I would politely ask her how can she do this when her son just passed away last year, so inappropriate for her to be kind of happy ever again. If she can be that much rude to other people not suffering the way she is after a year, nothing else will help. And ofc the same for a loving grandma. No birthday, no Christmas and no mother's day for her. If she wants to moralize, she has to be crystal clear.
I got triggered bc I had people telling me HOW I SHOULD BE GRIEVING when my mother died. I just wish I had more confidence to tell them to fuck off. I was eleven, so I said nothing but that was truly disgusting.
Sleeping with a baby in your arms is not great. BUT, babies do not need to be watched every single second. If he had put baby in her crib and taken a nap with the monitor on, it wouldn't have been an issue.
About the birthday....my partner's aunt tragically passed away from COVID on my birthday a few years ago. His family has made comments that I killed his aunt or somehow my birth is related to her passing, despite me being born more than 30 years ago. They have guilted my partner about celebrating my birthday, in the years since.
This last year, they called while we were out to dinner (just the 2 of us), to let him know that his presence was expected in less than 20 minutes for dinner with the family. They had planned dinner, but had not told him ahead of time. He had even checked with them in the days leading up, to make sure that this wouldn't be a problem. He kindly let them know that due to the last minute nature, he would not be able to be there, and that as much as he misses his aunt, she has passed away, and his focus is on the living loved ones that remain.
“We’re going to dive into some assholes” has become one of my favorite series taglines (alongside of Mama Doctor Jones’s “it’s our favorite time of the month (better than that other time of the month)”) 😂
No, an adult should absolutely not be harassing his 17 y/o nephew for inheritance, especially if the mom specifically did not give the uncle legal control of the money. She clearly wants it to go towards her kid’s education. The uncle and the rest of the family urging their young relative to pay for an expensive surgery, not the nephew, is the a-hole.
Yeah, I was wondering if he can get his family to pitch in on the harassment, how come the family can't aid him financially? After all they are all adults, who have had a family, unlike the late mother they abandoned with her son whose life savings they are now trying to take. How come a single mother with no family support was able to raise this money for her son, yet the entire family that is behind her brother isn't able to support said brother and have to turn to the underage son of their disowned daughter.
@@willowarkan2263 Exactly 💯
17 is a scary enough age to be, thinking about your future and everything, and this kid's mother has just passed away too, that's so awful for them to go through, I would hate to have an uncle like that
When my son was a baby we would both get sleepy after I fed him. My solution was to put the stroller crib down next to the couch beforehand. I would cudle with him until I noticed I'd get to tired to do so and then I could just put him down right there and we'd both be sleeping safely...
I totally feel for the first person, the person who was dealing with family members on their birthday. My oldest brother (years before I was even a thought) died when he was 9 months old, the day before Christmas Eve. That Christmas Eve and Day, my parents took time to grieve alongside all of their family and some close church friends. Everyone came to comfort them out of their own choosing. The following years, and still to now (23 or so years later), my parents and family acknowledge my brother and his memory, but they don't force family to drop everything and not celebrate Christmas. OP says they acknowledge their nephew's death and paid their respects. What more does their sister want? The grieving process takes time, yes, but expecting everyone else to drop everything is pretty unreasonable. I understand their sister wanting OP to recognize their nephew and his memory, but expecting them to just skip their birthday is basically unfair. Especially when OP and their SO quietly celebrated.
Long story short, OP is NTA because their sister shouldn't force everyone to forget about their own lives. I appreciate OP still comforting their sister, but am glad they still celebrated their birthday because they deserve it.
I disagree with the comments on the post about the person falling asleep whilst holding a sleeping baby. This happens very often when babies are young, as the parents are often extremely fatigued from lack of sleep. You cannot always judge someone for this as it was not intentional or done thoughtlessly, it just happens. I know this because it has happened to me more than once. NTBH
I agree with the assessment that none of the OPs are AHs. I would even go so far as to say that the father who took a nap with his baby, even if that is not a very safe thing to do, didn't deserve being shouted at. He is a first-time dad and probably really tired. Yes, there were risks involved, but nothing happened. I think he could be lectured about safety in a not-yelly tone.
Exactly! Especially when you're experiencing sleep deprivation. Your basic biology doesn't understand they can't fall asleep yet; it wasn't on purpose, nothing bad happened, a panicked lecture would be acceptable but not yelling at a sleep deprived person for falling asleep by accident and when the child was unharmed
While I do agree that it's not okay for the friend at school giving his phone number to his uncle, I imagine this friend also being 17 and just not knowing better. At that age, when someone who is an adult (he's 37) comes up to you and introduces them as your friend's uncle, you might just trust them. Additionally, based on OP's story, the uncle seems extremely manipulative. So I can easily imagine him pressuring OP's friend to give his number and the friend complying either out of ignorance or because they feel like they do not have another choice.
Still not okay to do of course, but I think these are things most people learn later in life, when they realize the impact it might have on their friend and they are more confident in setting boundaries with other (manipulating) people/adults.
I don’t think the friend would trust some dude claiming to be OP’s uncle yet not having OP’s phone number already. However, I do understand how awkward and scary it is for someone to ask for the phone number of someone else. You don’t know if this person is going to get mad at you, and if they’re stalking the person in question, they could potentially stalk you too(or hurt you). When you’re a teen, you just don’t know how to handle the situation in a way that won’t escalate(especially since all you can think is that the person seems like a creep).
Although, I suppose some people might think giving away someone’s phone number isn’t a big deal. Really unfortunate for OP, and they might have to change numbers.
Yeah, I was thinking that too. The friend is likely a minor as well and the onus shoild be on the uncle for seeking out an underage friend to get information out of.
People have to sleep sometimes. Single parents fall asleep while in charge of their children. I fell asleep while breast feeding my two all the time. It happens. Not the a-hole at all.
I hope we find out if that poor kid held on to their money. That's such a horrible situation.
With story #3, if Uncle Frank was so close to his sister, why does he need to ask someone for his nephew’s phone number? Shouldn’t he have it already?
Re: the sleeping parent - with respect, I feel like this is a 'have kids' versus 'not having kids' thing. I slept with my babies in my arms on the couch and in armchairs (and bed, with the youngest) all the time. Provided you can wake easily, it's normal to sleep when baby does. Safest sleeping is separate, contained area! But the idea that it is completely beyond the pale to ever sleep with a baby in your arms is unrealistic. It's how it worked for most of human history. The caveats to this are that the adult needs to be lightly sleeping and should ideally put baby down first. But millions fall asleep with babies for daytime naps daily. I tend to think it's an over-reaction on the part of mom, based out of understandable anxiety and concern. Neither of my kids were babies who went down for naps. They were held until sleeping and transferred and sometimes that process knocked out the exhausted parents too. It's normal!
I'd save the assholery for leaving baby awake and unsupervised, for drinking or taking cold meds and laying down with baby (ie, things that could impair or impact sleep level), not for a totally normal thing that happens across the world every day.
Totally agree with you, and although I didn't do it I know plenty of people who cosleep with their babies without issue.
Completely agree
Yeah, I was thinking this too. I’ve fallen asleep while babysitting my sibling’s babies, and it’s 100% fine. There’s a pic of my dad asleep with me in his arms and we’re both in the same position in the arm chair - heads back, mouths open, arms akimbo. It’s hilarious
The trouble is you may have done it and nothing happened but it is dangerous and babies have died that way. It's not worth the risk.
@@PetaGehrmann co sleeping with certain safety measures can be fine but going to sleep with a baby in your arms if your sitting in a chair generally isn't safe.
100% agree with all of your comments. The last one is particularly concerning, that's a minor he's harassing for money!
A death of someone is not a reason to put down a living person imo
They didn't force them to celebrate with her so as sad as it is they do need to take a step back and look at how they're grieving and how it could negatively affect others by going about it in the wrong way.
I would still post my birthday on my birthday regardless. It's fine to give it space for a year or 2 but you can't expect to hang a shadow over someone else for the rest of their life.
I got the impression you were trying to exaggerate with the inheritance being $100,000 but unfortunately for medical school in the US that is unlikely to even cover half, even after scholarships. If her uncle is uninsured and his partner needs surgery it’s likely to be in the mid tens of thousands if it is an extremely minor surgery, up to literal millions if it is major. In all likelihood even if mom saved enough for her to go to school with zero debt she could give uncle all of it and he would still be short. NTA, she can protect herself from the US’s horrible systems but as much as it sucks for him, I don’t think she could save her uncle if she wanted.
It says M17 so his, not her
Personally I've taken a nap with a baby in my arms many times (not on purpose) and it's always a light sleep where I'm still aware of my arms and maintain a conscious grip on the baby. (A rather strange sensation to look back on-imagine the feeling of just being a pair of arms floating in a void.) If the baby so much as twitches or anyone touches me I wake up instantly. I'm too terrified of dropping them to sleep any more deeply. If I ever lost that awareness, even if nothing happened, I'd consider that a major cause for concern and probably be too scared to fall asleep like that in the future.
I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with your baby if you're not going to wake up easily, whether it's a nap or in your bed with them. Put the baby down first. And if the baby wakes up, you need to wake up. The reality of parenthood is you're not always going to have a babysitter so in cases like this, you need to acknowledge your limits and plan ahead.
Option A: communicate with your wife. Don't agree to watch the baby while she goes out for fun if you're too tired. It sucks for both of you, yeah, but you can only do so much.
Option B: learn to nap reliably. Put the baby down, set an alarm for ten or fifteen minutes, take your power nap, and then wake up and check on them. If you can't wake up from naps, you're too tired. Get help.
So many new parents are in this situation. Sleep deprivation is an epidemic in our society already, and babies don't let you rest for the first couple months of their lives. Taking care of a newborn is the equivalent of about three full-time jobs. I think it's important to acknowledge that and give parents as much support as possible during this time.
For millennia people have slept with their babies. Nowadays bedding can be very dangerous for babies. Most duvets and pillows are not breathable enough. On a sofa that's probably not a danger. The other big danger is lowered reaction because of medication, alcohol or other recreational drugs.
A baby falling asleep on your tummy can be so unexpectedly sleep inducing. So, not the asshole. And if he was not under the influence of any medication or other stuff he was not irresponsible either.
I really hope the kid in the last one didnt give Frank the money
Obviously not the same as a person passing away, but I had to put my dog of nearly 13 years down on my partner's birthday a few years back. I don't let that keep me from celebrating them, because I love them and they deserve it, even though the day is sad for me. A tragedy for one person is not an excuse to keep everyone else from living their lives, especially when it is completely separate from the grieving person.
This first story hit me close to home. My Nephews father passed on his 5th birthday, so now every year he can't celebrate/ feels guilty for wanting to celebrate his birthday and it hurts him, I see it hurting him. But His grandparents from his father side refuse to separate the day for him and only forces him to spend time with them at that time of year, they don't contact him any other time. It is absolutely tragic that they lost their kid, but to then alienate your other family member who has been supporting you emotionally is wrong. I think the small intimate thing was well within the bounds of sensitivity for the family.
Do the grandparent's have some issue with the child's other parent? It seems quite strange for grandparents to not want anything to do with their grandchildren, especially after losing a son. I'd figure they would want to spend more time with them and not only the anniversary of their son's death, while ignoring the birthday.
@@willowarkan2263 Some Grandparents (and even parents) have weird ideas of what exactly a relationship looks like. I know my own grandmother can be very hot or cold like that, we don't see her for years at a time (only talk for like 4 phone calls a years) but then suddenly she coming over and wants to be close for a short window of time every 3 years. My father is quite similar to his Mother in that way too. He lives in a different country (but its only about a 4 hours drive form my mums and 2 hours from my own flat) we have never spent time together (even when we lived in the same flat for about 14 years) except on very specific occaisons or for very specific tasks but during those moments he's very involved and insists on being involved. What those occaisons are doesn't seem to have a system apparent to others e.g. he's totally fine not checking up (even through text) on his quite sick hospitalised kids but for a totally random 3 h visit (on a day we don't even really have time) that's just eating and silently walking through town he's totally fine driving 8 hours. Same with calls and texts the important stuff he refuses to talk to my mum about but for unintresting (and meaningless) random stuff he's texting and mailing just fine without needing a middle manager (me).
It's not how relationships are supposed to go and creates a lot of hurt feelings/ wrong incentives for kids. Im very grateful my mum tried to have a normal relationship with us to minimise the damage even if that didnt really work out all the way.
Ps: btw someone should really step in on your nephews behalf that doesnt sound healthy in the least. He's a kid that lost his dad that doesnt mean he cant have a fun birthday party after visiting/remembering his deathday. Loosing a parent is already though not getting to celebrate your birthday and being your grandparents emotional crutch doesnt make that better in any way.
My mum passed away very suddenly the day after my 20th birthday. I'm 26 now, and I've made a conscious effort to have a "really good" birthday every year because of it. Of course, it doesn't fall on the actual day like with the OP, so I guess people would consider me to have a bit more "leeway" but the days surrounding her death day all feel very similar, and I've unfortunately got that connotation to my birthday with my family now. But never has anyone tried to claim I'm an asshole for treating myself extra nice on my birthday, I even tell people "these days are days of mourning and it's my birthday so I'm gonna make it special because that's what mum would prefer" and no one has ever questioned that.
In saying that I know that she's my mum, and op is a bit more a "distant" relative to their nephew, so as you said I can empathize that the mum and sister were probably just very heightened. It would be very hard to be freshly grieving (and I say fresh because I considered my grieving to be fresh for the first 4 years) and seeing your sibling's partner posting about the birthday instead. But that takes some reflection to realise it's not op's fault and it's literally just an unfortunate coincidence. Everyone grieves in their own ways, and I'm glad op chose to pay respects and have a lowkey celebration. They shouldn't have to never celebrate again, but I'm glad they acknowledge it's a tender time for the parent of the late nephew.
Story one: NTA
OP didn't plan a celebration, was very respectful to their sister, and didn't post about their birthday on social media.
The fact that they aren't allowed to have a private celebration of the fact that they've survived another year makes no sense to me.
Just because you lost someone doesn't mean others have to give up their lives for your comfort.
The sister and mother need to back away.
Story two: NAH
As explained, it could've ended badly, and OP was lucky nothing happened to the baby.
But he didn't take a nap on purpose, and will probably have learned to put the baby in the crib instead, next time.
The wife's reaction wasn't over the top either.
She must've been shocked to see that he baby could've gotten hurt, which is completely normal.
I think OP and his wife should have a good talk about this, and OP should make a promise to use the crib next time.
Story three: NTA
My goodness.
How can a grown man harass a child like that?!
I agree with the comment that mentioned informing the school, and possibly police if it's safe, that OP is being harassed, even through his friends.
The uncle has no right to that money, didn't treat OP and his mother well when they needed help, and is now riling up the family to steal the inheritance??
I hope OP gets the support he needs, and the uncle aims his anger where he should: the healthcare system that allows his wife to die of a curable ailment because of money, not a child that is most likely still mourning the loss of his mother.
First one: OP 100% nta. They didn't have a big party, they were super respectful and it was really nice of their girlfriend to do that for them. Having a quiet birthday meal with a partner is absolutely not an arsehole move and they deserve it.
Second one: Ehhh they do say that you should try to sleep when your baby sleeps but like. Not with the baby in your arms. Don't do that.
Third one: Why do we even need to say this? It's YOUR college fund that YOUR mother left you. Frank needs to stop pressuring OP. He's literally 17.
They had a quiet celebration at home - not a huge party at a club or something
I think that Denise should be given the grace to feel how she feels. She's allowed to be outraged, even if it's a little over the top. She lost her baby. And the one year anniversary of a baby's passing is such a hard milestone.
The mom, I feel, should be a little more reasonable. She should be able to advocate for both of her children, meaning giving grace to both, not just her daughter who lost her child. The OP is not in the wrong, I just want to acknowledge that grief, especially grief for a child, can leave a person hollow and raw for a very long time, and that is okay. A year is really a very short period of time, considering Denise expected to share the rest of her life with her child.
but also no one remembered his birthday, not even one happy birthday, you can celebrate someone birthday while still grieving, just maybe dont do the birthday party the same day but they shouldnt have been mad with him for a small intimate dinner
I'm with you on this - the first anniversary for this kind of grief is always going to be a hard day, but OP spent some of that day with them and then had a quiet dinner with SO? Thats fine. My Aunty and Uncle's wedding anniversary coincides with the day me mam passed (I was 10, uncle is her brother), and I am fully onboard with them celebrating their anniversary even though it is a very difficult day for me even after over a decade (I know they like to take a few moments to celebrate her life and remember her on the day too). There is obviously a line: I could understand throwing a massive party and not even taking a moment to remember the nibling would be a different story, but OP didn't do anything out of line at all. NTA.
@@ajaxc766I’m feeling like everyone besides Denise doesn’t have an excuse for not wishing OP a happy birthday. Like, a text at the very least. Denise is completely exempt from being required to do anything that day or even that week and she’s perfectly okay to feel and act however she wishes as long as she is not hurting herself or anyone else or saying things with the intent to hurt the person. If her words are coming grief, I feel like people should be a bit more understanding about it. But the rest of the family, especially OPs mom, have no excuses for forgetting OPs birthday.
For the second scenario; I always heard from my family, you should sleep when the baby is sleeping because otherwise, you won't get any, but It was always in the context of putting the baby in their crib and having a baby monitor by you. I personally like the idea of a daybed/couch in the nursery / wherever you keep your baby for naps. That all being said though, I understand how scary this may have been for the mom, especially in context, and how that may spur a more emotional reaction.
6:10 if he'd just put the baby in her crib it would've been fine 😬
edit: if someone had to be awake at all times with a sleeping baby, how would the parents sleep??
If a bed is set up for cosleeping, then it's okay. There is no reason to think a normal person will roll over onto the child (no matter how often you roll over onto the cat) and studies have shown that unless there is a premie, the danger is virtually non-existent. Obviously, there are exceptions and somebody will have anecdotal evidence showing it does. And nobody should be caretaking on Ambien or other sleeping meds as that makes it more likely. That said, there needs to be a bumper on the far side of the bed (for small babies, a pool noodle under the sheet will do) and you blocking the other side is fine. Or you can lay a blanket on the floor and sleep there. It's like camping, I swear.
For me, I never coslept with my children because I couldn't answer the question "how old is too old to cosleep" with any precision so I just didn't do it. I did, however, nod off in bed while nursing. That is super comfortable and as soon as the baby was done, I would feel them let go, and then I'd break my snooze. My Mom taught me that position for an older baby (after they can hold their head up if needed) and it's a lifesaver on the arms. It can also be used while breastfeeding an infant if there is another person there to actively monitor the baby for gagging, and it's a great way for a breastfeeding mom to sleep through the night occasionally without a bottle. Being able to lay in bed also helped a lot with the let-down reflex as I was just more relaxed overall.
So if you take reasonable precautions to stop the baby from rolling off a bed, no problems there. But if there is any way the baby can fall, it's a bad call. There are tons of pictures of dads with their babies asleep on their chests and that's adorable and cute. But there is obviously another person there to take the picture and make sure there aren't any issues. And they are the sole arbiter of whether it's okay or not.
I made my own comment about babies but I just wanted to say...I have this instinct so strong I can't even roll over onto the cat! XD I can't count the number of times I've fallen asleep with a cat by my feet and woken up frozen in place thinking it was still there, only to realize I was protecting a fold of the blanket.
I agree with Shaaba in principle but with you in practice. In an ideal world we'd all have a rotating staff of nannies to watch the baby while we sleep, monitor co-sleeping, etc., but in reality we're all exhausted and doing the best we can with the resources we have.
@@WritingsOfQuillI’ve always slept in the same bed as my dogs. Last year on Christmas I got a new puppy and coincidentally I also had a surgery the day before (a pretty major one, I got top surgery!). Even when I was absolutely EXHAUSTED from the day of surgery and still conked from an aesthetic, I literally bolted upright in my bed when I thought I felt my puppy shift at the end of the bed. Turns out my partner had taken the puppy and sequestered it in a very plush kennel and I had been leaving a good 2 feet at the foot of my bed for a folded up blanket. When I felt the blanket shift as I moved my legs trying to get in a more comfy position (with top surgery the first few weeks you actually have to sit fully upright!) I scared the literal piss out of me. My SO however, can literally roll over on top of me (a medium size/weight human) and not realize it until I literally shake him awake. No more co sleeping with puppies once he moved in 😅
You can sleep with your baby in the same bed, as long as you take some precautions. For some families it's the only chance to get enough rest, it can help with breastfeeding and also its very understandable that some babies just don't want to sleep alone.
Want to pop in on the topic of the dad falling asleep with his baby. It can be safe to cosleep with a baby- in a properly prepared environment. Which NEVER includes a couch or a sleep-deprived parent. I feel I have insight into this situation in particular because I have coslept with two babies and secondly, for a traumatic situation that was far too similar. During the very beginning of the pandemic I went to the grocery store because we needed to restock our home, and my husband simply did not do the shopping or meal preparation. Our baby was about 4 months old and my husband stayed at home to watch her (we were trying to limit any potential exposure to COVID-19) and I came home to discover that he had locked me out of the house. I had left my keys at home, again because of trying to limit things like having to sanitize items that had left the house (we knew very little about COVID-19 at the time and precautions were rather extreme) and knew he would be home to let me in if for some reason a door did get locked. Well, I check and the stroller is still in the garage and his car is still there too, so I know he hasn't left the house, but he doesn't answer his phone. I get more and more concerned as I try calling, texting, calling via Messenger, calling via Discord, ringing our doorbell, knocking on every door of the house- I even here our daughter crying through the upstairs window (I had woke her up with all the noise I made). She is wailing at the top of her lungs and still no sign of my husband- at this point I've contacted everyone with a spare key, but they're all over a half hour away, so I call our local police department. They arrive, probably five minutes later and I still haven't been able to reach my husband, so I consent to them breaking down the door to our home that's inside the garage. They instruct me to wait in the garage with one of the officers and when I am finally allowed upstairs I see my husband sitting up on the bed no more than 3 feet away from our baby's crib. He had fallen asleep (thankfully putting her in the crib beforehand) and had to be physically shaken by an officer to wake up. No drugs. No alcohol. Just sleep deprivation. (At the time he was working remotely with a team in India and had to be up at midnight the night before in meetings.) We started ordering grocery delivery after that and it took me a long, long time to feel comfortable with leaving our baby in anyone else's care, even for just a half hour, and damaged the trust I had in my husband's ability to care for her. Thankfully I have healed from that trauma so I can now leave our kids in other people's care, but it took a long time.
I feel I’m going against the grain a bit, but I feel like the mum in the second story - while justified in a way - should have tried not to blow up at the dad and maybe sat down and talked it out once the baby was safe. Yelling at your SO whose also affected by the challenges of raising a baby over something he has little control over isn’t helpful. No arseholes but BOTH parents needed to reflect, not just the dad.
I literally don't understand how you're supposed to not fall asleep if you've been sleep-deprived for days to weeks. When my sleep cycles get all mixed up, I literally think I'm awake, but I start dreaming about all the serious concentrating I'm doing to make sure I stay awake and next thing I'm jerking upright. I can fall asleep in nearly any physical position if I'm tired enough. It's worrisome that falling asleep can endanger a baby, but I just don't understand how you can be certain to avoid it. Taking a nap isn't always a considered decision, in my experience.
The father from story 2 is not an asshole but I think everyone who says "Oooh, you should not have fallen asleep, it's your fault for falling asleep!" is. Have y'all ever been chronically sleep deprived like that? You don't control when you suddenly start sleeping. In my Uni years (back in the 20th century, so ages ago) I was constantly sleep deprived and behaved almost like a narcoleptic (perhaps I even had temporary narcolepsy, I couldn't tell). I was falling asleep in the bus, standing and waiting for my stop. I was falling asleep in the store, standing up and holding my cart, waiting for my friend who was still in a queue. I was falling asleep while standing and talking to people, when someone else was talking for a longer while. It was sheer luck I never broke anything when falling down. After a time I started to prepare for such events but for the first few times it was a complete surprise. And for that father that must have been a surprise too, sitting and rocking the baby in his arms, and then next moment suddenly his wife stands above him with the baby in her arms and yells and it turns out several hours have passed. If it was a repeating offense then the father is to blame, but first time? He was caught unawares, give him some slack.
This.
Yeah I feel the same. If he straight up decided to take a nap with his child in his arms it is irresponsible, but from how it was written it seems like he nodded off while rocking the child (which is unfortunate, but not his fault)
When my maternal grandmother died of heart failure (on the night leading up to my 17th birthday, no less!) I remember not being able to celebrate my birthday properly for the next five years or so bc I was still carrying all my mourning with me. But then again, I wasn't able to mourn her when it happened bc I wasn't given the space to mourn her passing. Why am I writing this? Bc I feel so much for the first OP and their story. The passing of a loved one always hits hard, especially when it happens on a day that's significant to oneself.
Babies need to be in a safe sleep space every sleep. ABC: Alone, Back, Crib. It's ok to need a nap as a parent. But put down the baby in their crib, turn up the volume on the baby monitor, & then definitely take a nap.
ALSO, if you are getting frustrated, or short-tempered, EVEN if the baby is actively crying it is OK to put them in a safe place ie: their empty crib & walk away for a few minutes to calm & collect yourself. Yell into a pillow or stomp your feet. It's exhausting & overwhelming to take care of such a young baby.
Also, I would also yell & then clarify after if I had been the partner. That's a very scary situation to walk in on.
I didn't "read" or hear bitterness in the birthday OP's message; indeed, I admire this person's love and understanding for Denise. I do hope that the family was able to work through the birth/death of nephew day. That would be so tough!
My grandmother-in-law passed on my birthday. My husband kept apologizing for my birthday being ruined (his words, not mine), and I kept insisting that it was fine. I'll have more birthdays, but as far as that year was concerned, it was canceled and I was in supportive spouse mode. The day was no longer about me, but about him being able to grieve however he needed to. He still put together a little something, much like OP's girlfriend did, and I thanked him. I think it helped to distracted him from the pain a bit. My next birthday I spent grieving as my own grandmother had passed a few months prior and it was my first birthday without her being part of it, but this year things have sort of settled back to normal-ish. It'll always be a bittersweet day from here on out, but my mother-in-law assured me that her mom would've wanted me to continue to celebrate, just as my own grandma wanted us all to keep celebrating everything.
My grandma passed away from late stage cancer on my 9th birthday. We did not celebrate that year, I just got the presents a week later from every person without you know a cake or anything, they just stopped by after the funeral to pay respects and wish me a less sad day..
We had never since had any big party on this day, just a small gathering with a cake, followed by visiting the grave.
On my 19th birthday the practice pretty much faded, and then grandpa said "Grandma had today an anniversary as well."
Mom started crying and I took her to visit the grave with her.
I agree with the first two, and the third actually, but in the last case there is something that folks seem not to have considered: did the Mom have a will? First: I am NOT a lawyer, and the OP should consult one. As I understand, if the Mom did not have a will then Uncle Frank as a living close relative may legally entitled to some of his sister's estate. OP should talk to a lawyer about this. And everyone should make sure they have a will so your money goes where you want it to, rather than where the State decides it goes.
In most countries (to my knowledge), if there is a spouse and/or child to the person who died, they are the only people who have a claim to any inheritance. It's only if there are neither, that parents or siblings to the deceased get the inheritance.
Well since the friend is I charge of the money I would assume there was a will, otherwise that would not be the case.
Lots of people sleep in family beds with their infant. In fact,, putting infants in a separate space or even room is a rather new concept in the Spankorbs human history.
And why would someone need to be awake while watching the baby during the day when no one’s awake at night and it’s fine?
I took a nap with my newborn son. My mother in law walked into my home with out knocking and lifted my baby out of my arms while I was asleep. I am a light sleeper and constantly aware of my baby. My baby being removed from me, while I asleep, triggered something in me so. It felt like my baby was in extreme danger and I wanted to beat that woman down for walking into my home doing that with out waking me first. I did have my son sleep next to me at night, because I was taught that doing otherwise was neglect. In my case, I always stayed in the same position. I was breastfeeding and any movement on my son's part woke me up. So I was probably safe. If I had to do it over, I would have put my son in a crib next to the bed until he got a little bigger. I think that I wouldn't have given up daytime naps, with my body curled around my son on the couch, because it felt so good and unlike the bed, the couch was firm and it didn't require as much awareness keep him in a safe position.
I agree with you on all of them.
And I'd like to add that the grieving sister probably wasn't in the right head space. I know from experience that grief can make you irrational. And the first year is more special than the others so I understand that she got angry although it's not right to blow up in her brothers face over it.
It feels awful when you realise that the world is moving forward and you find yourself stuck in one place. I felt lonely.
My grandfather died hours after I met my now husband for the first time. This doesn't keep us from celebrating our anniversary. People are sad all the time, and if we went with their mindset, no one would be allowed to be happy again. Really, we need to focus on the good, let ourselves feel the bad, and then move on with living.
I really can't stand prioritising the dead over the living to such a degree, that you would disregard your living sister or daughter for the sake of the dead. The living are only there for an all too short of a time, the dead will be so for ever. I'm not saying don't mourn, but to not only forget a day celebrating a supposed loved ones life, but to chastise them for celebrating their own birth. I feel it cheapens life if one's death is that much more important.
Life lesson from my Grandma: "Be grateful if you get, but never expect." She lived this motto, and passed it on. You're never the asshole for accepting a legal inheritance because someone else feels slighted by the deceased's decisions. What someone leaves in their will is a GIFT, and should be seen as such. What you do with it after that is entirely up to you to decide.
No, an adult should absolutely not be harassing his 17 y/o nephew for inheritance, especially if the mom specifically did not give the uncle legal control of the money. She clearly wants it to go towards her kid’s education. The uncle, not the nephew, is the a-hole.
With the first one, I think part of the reason the sister and mother are so angry is that they feel guilt for forgetting her birthday.
With the last one OP should absolutely not risk his education and future career for 'family' that did nothing to help in his time of need!
My Dad passed away in February and his birthday was in August... it was hard, but we had a cake and wished him a happy birthday. Don't cry over their passing, celebrate the life you had together with them.
2: NTA. Is it good? No. But, I'd be lying if I said my single mother didn't do this with me more than once. She lived with my grandmother when I was a newborn, and sometimes grandma would come in our room to take me out of my mom's arms and put me in my crib, with my mom sound asleep in the rocking chair. Grandma didn't scream and yell at her, she just moved me. The lesson was learned when my mom woke up on her own, and was terrified she dropped me under the chair. Raising babies is hard, and we're not flawless. Being a tired, overworked parent doesn't make you an asshole, and every potential risk taken shouldn't be immediately met with screaming anger. The wife needs to take a deep breath and calm down just a tad.
In regards to the birthday one I saw that when it was first posted and my comment was what’s the point of living if we don’t celebrate the people still living? (After the appropriate mourning period of course)
Hearing you describe infants as human squishes was the best thing I’ve heard all week
Falling asleep with the baby asleep in your arms happens. It isn't the safest way to sleep, but it does happen. Parents are exhausted, they hold the baby, the baby sleeps, they have to stay still, they fall asleep too. Not the areshole. People who are severely sleep deprived are difficult to wake. He and the baby both needed the sleep and nobody was hurt. This isn't neglect, it's normal parenthood.
I thought she wasn't wearing a shirt! After 30 seconds for staring flabbergasted I saw the orange of her shirt. I nearly had a heart attack!
My paternal grandad died on my dad's birthday, after my dad basically carried him unconscious to the hospital himself. My dad still celebrates his birthday. First anniversary was kinda bitter for him though.
there are sleep beds for babies doing shared sleeping pre age 1, but yeah, don't sleep with baby in arms, put down in crib, cradle, bassinet, etc, then nap (sleep when the baby sleeps)
That second one is just downright dangerous behaviour. Absolutely irresponsible.
Scenario #2, everyone who has ever been a parent knows that when a baby sleeps, you sleep. otherwise when will you sleep? children under 1 have awful sleep patterns usually only sleeping 2-4 hrs at a time. that makes it especially hard for a single parent with no back up. Maybe we can give him a soft YTA because he didn't put the baby in the crib and that part is dangerous. But if the baby is sleeping, by all means, take that nap.
"A very dependent little squish" - truly an accurate description of a baby
First one: NTA, but I also urge op to give grace. Be assured in the fact that you are not wrong, let go of any guilt, and do your best to be kind to your sister. Not saying "I'm sorry for celebrating my birthday", but sayjng "I know that this is a really hard day for you, and I understand it's hard to see other people living their lives and having positive experiences on a day that is so tragic for you." Set some boundaries if necessary set some expectations that you will be celebrating your birthday in the future as well, but will never demand for her to be there.
Mostly, kindness (while being firm) is how to preserve this relationship
CW: infant death
Several years ago, we woke up to police sirens to discover our downstairs neighbor had fallen asleep on the couch with his infant on his chest and the baby was somehow smothered while he was asleep. She died. I was dumbfounded, since I feel like it's a trope to see parents asleep with their babies on their chest, also asleep. It's an adorable image in my mind and, yet, this horribly tragic accident happened because of it. This is truly not a safe thing to do, even though I think it is a somewhat common thing to do. I will never forget their faces that night. It just breaks my heart even thinking about it now.
My foster mom died on Mother's day, my much younger sister at Christmas, my foster father just before Thanksgiving, my younger brother on my birthday. (Different years) I still celebrated all during the next year.
For the guy with the baby: he didn't go to sleep on purpose, so how was he supposed to help it??? Accidents happen!
3: If I'm the friend entrusted with the inheritance, I'd be telling Frank to shove it. It's not the ORPHANED TEEN's job to fix his monetary problems (even if I think our system putting people into medical debt is actually evil to begin with). I wouldn't even give OP the choice to help, making it so Frank can't even get mad at OP about it--get mad at me, if you want a fight. It's correct to realize what a red flag it is that his mom didn't name anyone in her family as executor of her estate, and gave that duty to a friend instead. I have a sneaky feeling his mom would have told Frank to take long hike off a short pier.
Sometimes you just have to. I was a single parent, I work 3rd shift, and if for whatever reason she couldn't go to the babysitter, I couldn't call off work because I already worked. My daughter knew her stop lights, so we added blue for backup, and I color coded the buttons on the VCR so Barney could keep her busy while I was sleeping.
Re: the inheritance and the hypothetical mentioned, if you're going to medical school in the US, that's going to be equivalent to around 12 years of (expensive) higher education. If OP and his mother were recently on the edge of homelessness, I doubt OP will have any significant amount left over to share with the uncle, who's crossed into harassment and slightly stalker-ish territory.
My cousin died on my parents’ wedding anniversary. Of course, they did not celebrate that day, and they celebrated the day after the following year. But we all encouraged my parents to celebrate on the day going forward. Celebrating happy moments are a great way to honor loved ones who have passed. They wouldn’t want us to be sad forever on days that were meant to be happy. The two things can coincide without it being disrespectful.
My grandfather passed away on Christmas Eve. Christmas is now also a celebration of my grandfather's memory.
for the 1st story:
NTA, your SO went out of their way to celebrate your birthday knowing it was very important to you. grief is a difficult thing to deal with and its different for everyone. but refusing to celebrate something important with someone you love, who has tried to make it special despite the loss, is pushing away people around you who love, and who care about you.
in short, don't let grief (and other grieving people around you) affect your important relationships in life.
lots of love to everyone who has lost someone special. it can be hard sometimes, but you can make it though. they will always be in your heart
4:00 NTA.
a) your lives go on.
b) everyone grieves differently. Some shut everyone out, some take in all the love and company and life celebration they can to fill the hole the sadness has carved. Both is valid.
c) people who hold space for others' grief need space in which to regain strength to keep on supporting.
You took some time out of your day to comfort your sister, and then you took some time to give yourself something good (or let it be given to you) so you'll have new energy to support her again afterwards.
Sister needs to respect that you taking time to have a small celebration with your girlfriend is not disrespecting or discarding the loss you all experience.
Potential advice for the grieving family situation: if I were OP, I might apologize (despite not doing anything wrong) like this: "I'm sorry that our dinner may have caused you pain. I don't want to hurt you. The dinner was a surprise by my SO, and I thought it was very thoughtful of her to have a respectful, quiet event to let me know that she remembered my birthday."
Then, depending on the situation, it might be appropriate to add: "I know losing [nephew] was devastating and anniversaries make it hurt even more. But at the same time, birthdays are important to our family, and since my birthday is linked with this awful anniversary, I would like to talk with you about what you are comfortable with. I don't want to hurt you, but I also don't want to stop celebrating my birthday altogether. Going forward, what are you comfortable with? How might we change our celebration to be respectful of you?" Then, float some suggestions like holding it on a different day, holding a celebration out of town, not posting about it on social media, posting something in remembrance of the nephew, etc.
The potential for this kind of friction is always going to be around from now on, so it would be a good idea to talk about the future once everyone has had a second to calm down. This was the very first anniversary for the grieving sister, so she may not know how to cope with it, but there will continue to be anniversaries that will hurt, and talking about what can help or what hurts can minimize further wounds.
My mom's grandpa and cousin have both died on her birthday (though about 20 years apart). Her poor aunt (who lost her son and father on the same date) struggles with it to this day, but she's told my mom that while it's hard for her to celebrate on that date, she appreciates the reminder that a good thing also happened on that date.
My uncle, who is significantly richer than I will ever be and who has bought properties for both of my cousins and their children, has been circling over my grandma's (his mother's) inheritance for years because the real estate she lives on has increased in value. It is disgusting to watch and as a result I have become very defensive about whatever part of inheritance I get. Not because I want the money but because he is not entitled to more than what he has been allocated in the will. My grandma even asked me to take a picture of the will in case he makes it disappear.
What they are saying in the birthday story is “OP, your life is less important than this other relative’s death.”
💛💛 I freaking love this series
Oof co-sleeping with a baby is SOO dangerous. So many people lose their babies by rolling over on them.
My own mother made the mistake of accidentally falling asleep while holding my baby brother. He accidentally rolled off her chest, off the bed, and then under it. Safe to say she was terrified when she woke up with no baby. We were just incredibly lucky that 1) he happened to fall on throw pillows that had been tossed off the bed and 2) he then rolled off the pillows instead of suffocating
That first story is so heartbreaking. Losing a loved one, especially that young, is a hard thing and obviously something that is going to take time to process and grieve. However, OP didn't celebrate the year prior for obvious reasons and didn't even really celebrate in a big way this time either. It was just a small intimate birthday dinner for them and their partner. I think it's understandable that other family members aren't ready to celebrate, but OP shouldn't be made to feel guilty over celebrating their birthday. It's not like OP threw an all-out party and forced the family to appear and be happy. It just breaks my heart because it seems like OP is never going to be able to celebrate their birthday because it happens to coincide with a very tragic event. Also they went to be by their sister's side so it's not like they just up and abandoned the sister in this difficult time either. Definitely NTA and the girlfriend is such a sweetheart for doing this for OP even if it may not have been the smartest move to put it online
Run away like there’s a smelly fart in the room , god that caught me off guard and gave me a good chuckle
honestly even if the inheritance money was more than what he needed for med school he still wouldn't be an asshole for not sharing it bc it's his after all, through his mother's hard work, and especially bc of the way Franc treated them when they were the ones who needed help. Frank seems to only be interested in this part of his family now that he can get some use out of them, which is incredibly messed up
You can sleep when you have an infant, you just have to be careful when & where of course. My youngest would only sleep on my chest for the better part of his first year of life. If you know your child, live with/ care for your child then you are allowed to make the choice, as long as you are in a safe place where you cannot injure your baby. I would sit in our rocker, with my feet up and pillows on both sides of me. When baby’s wake up they make noise/wiggle a particular way and you feel it, when a baby is picked up it doesn’t feel the same. I wouldn’t scream at my mate/coparent, I would explain my concerns and move forward.
1. Ugh that would be the worst, for a loved one to be lost on your birthday. I've never experienced that thankfully and hopefully I never do but I feel so bad for the kid and op. Like op has no birthday anymore. They were so respectful about both people getting their day and their family was just hateful. I hope they had a great birthday and don't carry any guilt
2. I wouldn't say that word but it wasn't smart, a sleep deprived decision maybe which obviously doesn't make it ok I just imagine he was tired and didn't expect to sleep
3. Frank refused to help them in their time of need, he shouldn't demand someone take money out of their college fund to help him when he really seems super unreliable
My nan died on my uncle's birthday and we encouraged him to still celebrate it (on his next birthday onwards). He now spends the morning mourning her and then the second half celebrating his birthday.
Sleeping with a baby in your arms can lead to you crushing them, smothering them, or dropping them, leading to them being injured or killed.
THAT FIRST ONE! So, back in Nov 2014 my older sister passed away in a car crash around 8:30 pm BUT that same day, around 12:30pm (so like almost exactly 8 hours earlier) my cousin's wife gave birth to a beautiful little girl (who is absolutely spunky and wonderful)! NEVER have we (my family) thought it inappropriate to celebrate my cousin's daughter's birthday on that day. It's not her fault that we also had tragedy on that day. If anything, celebrating her birthday helps things hurt just a little less. Not to mention, my sister would be PISSED if we took it out on our cousin's daughter (my sister adored children/babies especially!). Obviously, their situation is a little different than my family's but...still! Furthermore, the sister that passed away shared a birthday with me (she was 9 years older) and I've never NOT celebrated a birthday because she wouldn't have wanted that either.
I get people grieving, especially just 12 months after the passing BUT people grieve differently AND it was a picture in their own home???? The mom is entitled to her emotions, of course, but OP is allowed to celebrate their birthday ESPECIALLY when it's a small, private affair between them and their partner. I dont think OP is an asshole at all.
Regarding the time of grieving... I don't think you can compare the death of a grandparent to that of a 4y/o. The grandparent most likely had a long life, so them dying is of course sad and devestating in the moment, but it's just something you expect with grandparents sooner or later. Losing your own child who is only a toddler on the other hand is just unimaginable. I still grieve my 21 y/o cousin 2 years after her death and I can't imagine how much worse it must be for young parents to experience such a loss.
So while OP is NTA, I can still understand the reaction of her sister. It's not a rational reaction, but that's grief for you.
The lives of everyone around you shouldn't stop for years later when someone dies. If you think about it, would the person that died want you to put all your life on hold forever or would they want you to cherish your life because they no longer can?
It's just weird to me when people put a heavy weight on someone's death. They should take that person's birth and celebrate the life they had instead of concentrating on their death so much.
People seem unaware how healthcare works in the US. Yes it's expensive, exorbitantly so.
However, any lifesaving procedure will be done whether you can pay or not. I mean, you will have to pay, but there's never a situation where you need the money up-front, except to buy medication if you're not in the hospital. Which, if Frank was capable of paying OP back, he'd be able to manage.
Frank doesn't need the money, he wants the money and has zero intention of paying it back. Or Frank does need the money for medication, in which case he still has zero intention (or capacity) to pay OP back.
Either way, if Frank gets his greedy little selfish fingers on that money, OP will never be getting one bloody red cent back.
For the first story, I can understand having a quiet celebration on the first year anniversary but after that, personally I would celebrate how I want [day out, theme park, 2 week holiday, getting smashed at a club], so long as I paid my respects at some point that day. I went on a 2 week holiday to Japan and it was over my nannas anniversary (15yrs at that point) and my bday was the next day. Sure it was 10pm in Japan and 9am in the UK and 10pm was the only time I had internet but I still paid my respects to my mam (it was her mam). Heck I even have a beer for my dad and granddads for their anniversaries.