Advice on Getting Married in your 20s
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ก.ค. 2024
- "You seem to have married quite young - do you have any advice for other people getting married in their early twenties?"
WHY YES ANON I DO! :D
(For reference, I got married when I was 23, so I've been married about 5 years now.)
Let's talk about living together, age and divorce rate statistics, and pre-marriage courses!
See:
www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03... (living together & divorce rate)
papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cf... (lets you download the paper on wedding costs and divorce rate)
www.drphil.com/articles/articl... (Some of the age at marriage divorce stats)
psychcentral.com/lib/the-myth-... (yet more)
www.drphil.com/articles/articl... (financial stress as a cause for divorce)
www.boyesturner.com/news-artic... (Without power of attorney, joint accounts frozen)
Jill's website: www.jillbearup.com
Jill's Patreon: / jillbearup
Jill's Tumblr: / jillbearup - บันเทิง
![[TH] Esports World Cup : Grand Final](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/sedbKhFYDMo/mqdefault.jpg)
don't ignore the red flags and excuse them as temporary immaturity or they will somehow change once married to you
100% this.
This! Freaking this! I’m always stunned by the amount of people in help columns saying “yeah he’s great and I love him BUT he’s controlling/condescending/has anger issues when drinking/does recreational drugs I don’t approve of/etc”
Like what?! Kick this person to the curb!
Don't hyper focus either. You ain't all daisies yourself.
This cannot be stressed enough. Red flags get worse over time.
Remember, this person is putting on their best face in front of you while dating.
You are not marrying a person; You are marrying the infinite web of people they might become in the future.
You are right
And their entire family group
thats so cool, always something to learn about
more things to talk about, the old things to talk about but different
@@valiroime and the violent, political cult their family might turn into.
Your little icon is adorable ok bye
Also: don't get married to solve your psychological issues using the other person. Get therapy. Focus on yourself for a time.
1. Communicate!
2. Communicate about large purchases (also discuss what constitutes a large purchase)
3. Communicate after arguments. Don’t let it fester but let the heat of the moment fade and approach with a purpose to understand, not be right.
My partner and I have a rule where we can time out an argument and come back to it later once we're more level headed. We also talk about the disagreement once we've patched it up because fights usually comes from a larger issue than "but you left the toilet seat up". Admitting your own faults can be tough but it's so important
Remember: you're a team. Eight years in and I still appreciate a reminder.
This, my ex refused to be a team, always trying to find ways that she was somehow hard done by
It took me the longest time to figure that out....but we did stay married for a third of a century (it did not end in divorce). PS listen to Jill - she is very wise
"Treat the most important person in your life like they are the most important person in your life."
I think many times the strife comes when there is disagreement about who that is.
Also: Don't expect anything to change BECAUSE of marriage. It doesn't. Your partner won't be more open or have more time for you, etc bc you're married. That takes work and talking, no matter if you're married or just a couple.
Dishes, Laundy, Food Prep, and Home Maintenance never end. Do them together as a team.
That is something that worries me. I've had to work with a disabled step-father (no legs from just beneath the knee) who had very bad temper issues (verbally abusive "only", not really his fault entirely for various reasons) and an obese mother who injured herself a lot in her youth. I was basically the primary choredoer in the house while everyone was screaming at me when I wouldn't do things perfectly. Literally every mistake would get me screamed at. Because of that, I now have an inherent loathing of cleaning the house. I hope if I do end up living together with a girlfriend that she will be willing to split the work instead of working together. I love cooking amd don't mind doing the dishes (even if I xan be very lazy about them, sometimes washing two or three meals' worth) but I can not for the life of me tolerate cleaning. Doesn't help that I have a minor case of asthma and allergy to dust mites. So I can't help but feel like a slob too often.
@@chukyuniqul don't you worry, you will find her! If she's even half-decent she will agree to split it, I am sure. Good luck! ❤
@@Li_Tobler thank you!
Or at least figure out who is better at what.
@@chukyuniqul Then pay for a cleaner. Anyhow, if you're marrying someone you love being with a) it might be fun and b) you might grit your teeth and do your 50 - 50 share.
As a 23 year old who got married at 22, I really appreciate this. I have gotten so much crap because we didn’t live together before we got married. Also, I appreciate that you didn’t list degrees or X age as the be all end all for divorce, but instead something that might statistically help. Neither of us have a college degree and we got married younger than you are “supposed to” but if we actively make an effort to grow with each other and tackle hard issues like finances as a team, we can make a beautiful healthy marriage.
(P.S. starting out with zero college debt ain’t the worst thing in the world ;)
I’m 28 and got married at 22 as well and I feel the same way.
I got married at age 23. Best decision I ever made. All of your advice is spot on!
Something to add, if you feel both you and your partner have a problem, it is often better to cut any middle man, and talk about your issues directly with your partner. Most of the time the people in your life project their own problems onto any piece of information you give them about your life. Be prepared to talk about things, even if you think it might upset your partner. It's better to be open and honest then bottling up your feelings.
What am I doing here? I'm 18 and have been with my boyfriend for two months 😂
Julia Prohaska because it’s a really good content, and it’s better knowing this stuff before it’s too late.
Marriage is about being realistic not romantic. I wish I knew this at the age of 18.
Good luck with your life
Well, I'm here as a 22 year old who has never been anything but single... so I think you have a better reason to be here then me lol
I met my husband at 19. Knowing how to have a good committed relationship is always a good thing. Even if it just tells you that someone isn't the one.
What am *I* doing here, I'm almost 29 and have girlfriend for two months...
But still, it was good video to watch. Not in all aplicable (i don't think there is freeze on accounts in my country) but very important nonetheless
I got married at 21 and every one thinks I'm nut,s but I am Pentecostal
Me, a highschool freshman who isn't even romantically interested in anyone yet: taking notes.
thats so relatable
Why'd you call me out like this...
Call us out, us
This is a refresher of the Sociology Courtship and Marriage class I took in college in the 90's. You should be taking notes.
Preparation and forethought are brilliant things to have.
Marvelous advice. When my lady and I were engaged, we went through our local Franciscan marriage classes before they would marry us. I have recommended it to all my friends, regardless of religion. It focused, not on religion, but on all the practical things couples need to discuss before they make that commitment (pretty much a repeat of what you said, but with role-playing and humorous discussions). It must have worked, Lesley and I are coming up on 36 years.
Oh, that sounds wonderful!! Now I wanna go through this cource so badly hahah!
Wishing you twice the time you've already spent together ❤
I also got married in my 20's. I'd say, go in with the expectation of hard times. They'll happen, but if you're determined, you can get through them. 12 years married and counting! 😁
The separate emergency fund advice is also important if the relationship does go bad.
Yeah this. I ended up penniless and sleeping rough in a strange city after an abusive relationship.
Yeah I was so happy I saved every penny in my abusive relationship. Now I got enough money to help me with my education! Always have separate emergency funds!
@@Fingerscrossedout I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm so glad that it helped with your education! I hope that you are better now, and may God bless you very much in your new life.
A good freind introduced me to the idea of everyone needing their own, personal, only *they* have access to it, "fuck off fund." You can't know if you will find yourself in a bad relationship or soured marriage without the means to get out. Ditto horrible jobs and abusive bosses, a layoff or crashed job market (or global pandemic) that requires you to move to another part of the country (or a job OFFER that requires same), a housing or roommate situation that goes bad or is unexpectedly not renewed for the next year, or any other situation that could leave you suddenly trapped in a bad situation if you don't have the funds to just say "fuck it, I'm outta here." The financial resource to make a sudden, unplanned, major change is a critical safety net. I used to think of this as something women need to have, but truthfully, men should have this, too. Sudden shit situations can happen to anyone, regardless of gender.
For the 'what not to do' perspective:
I've just ended a 5 year relationship and this is what I've learnt:
- if it feels wrong, it's probably wrong.
- lack of change is jarring, esp when you're young
- bickering is normal, being nasty to each other isn't.
- seeing yourself in someone else's bad relationship is a red flag (e.g. my grandparents are both rather miserable and stayed together for the kids; me and my ex are almost a carbon copy of their relationship)
- compromise is normal, but you need to be met half way; you shouldn't be doing all the work
- money is so important
- making sure only his name is on the bills is both an act of self preservation if you need to get out, but also... that was a self red flag; I didnt believe we were going to make it, 3 years ago, when i was trying to push us both forward.
- losing yourself to the relationship; what did you do without them? Do you do anything without them?
- if you feel like a single mum/always mother hen then you're doing something wrong
- when you stop being interested in sex and/or simply just want them to leave you alone
- when you stop being interested in their problems and roll your eyes
- not being able to tell them what's wrong because you'd rather have a nice weekend
- them being jealous of your achievements, not proud
- them yelling at you when you feel incredibly vulnerable/traumatised (this was the final straw for me)
- when you fantasise about living on your own/going on dates with someone else
- generally feeling really bloody bored in their company, like, all the time.
- dreading your birthday/holidays/christmas/date night/things that are supposed to be fun
- having 5 pages of cons and half a page of pros
- being woken up by them CONSTANTLY because they snore and dreading the rest of your life with this fog horn
- they develop a drinking and/or drug problem
- dreaming about a failed proposal and being relieved they couldnt ask you
- Going to therapy bc you think you're a toxic person but then gently being told you've picked out a phenomenal arsehole and they are literally giving you mental health problems
Safe to say I learnt a lot! Thank you, next...
Me in my mid twenties with no dating experience: why am I here?
Talking about tough stuff is REALLY important. My 57 year old mom got married last year (without living together first😬) and is already considering a divorce because they have different opinions on division of finances/labor. (Plus he owes a bunch of money to the IRS). TALK ABOUT THE UNCOMFORTABLE STUFF!!!
My girlfriend (almost 23) and I (24) plan to get married in the future, and we happened to already be doing all this stuff. ^w^ It makes me happy.
Married at 18, 4.5 years in, never lived together beforehand, going strong! These are spot on - age is just a number, maturity and commitment aren't. Get married when you're ready for the lifetime commitment, not because everyone else is. If you're engaged, you have clear up until "I do" to walk away - don't ever get pressured into being married. Trust, not love, is the most important thing in the relationship. You can fall in and out of love and even work to build it back if lost, trust is a different story. COMMUNICATE. Be kind, especially during the hard conversations. Sorry is not a bad word. You are a team - act like it. And, by all means, even if you truly wanted to be a mother and housewife, please get a degree/training/certification that allows you to be employable above minimum wage. This isn't just for if you get divorced - gotta have a backup if the husband loses his job or if ends aren't meeting. Don't let something as temporary as financial wealth be the end to your relationship. Be prepared. (And YES, as Jill said, take a class and have the hard life questions answered and out of the way BEFORE you get married. We talked about several of them and are so grateful we did, in other areas, we got lucky that we agreed. My advice to any other couple, including my kids in the future - don't leave those things up to luck.)
Passwords!!! I'm not talking social media or email. Bills, bills, bills! Make sure if something happens to you or your spouse (even if it is as simple as needing to work 70 hours that week) the other one can log into important accounts and take care of business without the hassle of resetting passwords or endless phone calls, especially when our energy needs to be directed to taking care of our spouses, our children and ourselves. It's hard enough adulting in your early 20's, even harder when you are both figuring it out. Being as organized as you can be will always help.
I got married at 29 after my education was over and the right guy came along. We will be married 20 years this October. Pretty much everything you said was dead on.
Good advice indeed :nods:.
The need to get the legalities sorted is very often overlooked. I know that me and my late wife *did* overlook this because we thought we had decades together to enjoy.
Trust me, when your wife is dying of cancer at a young age and all you want is for *any* god to come down and by some miracle save her, to be suddenly tackling legal matters is an appalling, heartbreaking, thing. So deal these issues sooner rather than later.
i'm sorry for your loss man. thanks for the advice
This is a really good advice.
So sorry for your loss. My mom and dad didn't have all that straightened out so while he was in hospital after an ultimately fatal cardiac event at age 51, she had to borrow money to pay the bills. Thank you for the reminder.
Sorry for your loss. You are right that legal issues like your will etc must be done early.
So sorry for your loss 💕
Most excellent wedding reception I went to was in a scout hut with a ceilidh band, everybody brought food. We all did Scottish dancing. It was magical.
Working on your marriage is like maintaining your car. To some it’s a chore, to others it’s a joy.
You know, one of the reasons why ppl are afraid of getting married early, is because connections seem often very hard these current times. Many people are so alienated from elements in their lives and that sometimes results in lack of actual intimacy and trust in one another and themselves.
And in the end of the day, the thought of "Oh, when I reach (insert age here), then maybe I'll be wiser. Things will make sense to me. I will have all I wanted (hopefully). And then I won't have much to lose if I end up trusting someone and things not working out." But as you said, that excludes the possibility of people growing together and building their relationship through a fair amount of intimate sharing.
That and the practical mistakes people make without realising their weight in a long term commitment, I guess.
Idk, I'm single.
"idk I'm single" iconic.
Been married for 5 years, got married in my mid-20s, and I must say this is probably the best advice I have ever heard.
Particularly the growing together, its wonderful, but you must be prepared for it and support each other's growth.
I watched this video six years ago when it first came out. I've kept in mind ever since. My wife and I were married two years ago, when she was 24 and I 27. I'm now 29 and we're still together and happy. I recommend this to everyone I know who is getting married.
Two things to remember:
1) In a disagreement, remember it is not you versus your partner, it is both of you versus the problem.
2) Remember loving someone is not a feeling or emotion, it is a choice you make daily.
Some really good advice here. Personal financial management should be a mandatory course in the final year of high school - before young people sign up for massive student loans, credit cards & car loans.
So I know this is an old video but I just wanted to say thank you. Me (23) and my wife (24) have been married about a month now, and people have been, for unknown reasons, giving me divorce advice, which has been insanely distressing, so hearing some positive advice (and sort of feedback, insofar as we've already been doing much of what you suggest) was a literal gift from on high.
I got whiplash coming from "how to swordfight in a dress", to this, but IT IS SUCH GOOD ADVICE!
We got married two years ago and had a similar pre-marriage course. A lot of it seems so obvious in hindsight, but you really need that sit-down and to have a good long discussion about what you're getting into.
This is good advice at ANY age. My ex- wasn't happy that I didn't roll my finances into the joint account. The other thing was that I kept saying that we needed to stabilise our finances (I had a bank loan, and so did she, plus our credit cards). She wasn't listening. She decided unilaterally that she was going to get pregnant straight after we were married. Then, so she told me, the contract that she was working under had finished. She hasn't worked since.
You need to really put EVERYTHING on the table BEFORE you get married, and in front of other people. That way the partner can't say "I never said that", or "I never heard you say that". It sounds callous, but it protects both parties.
I'm 58, and I've made a lot of mistakes. Don't end up like me. At least I don't have any debt anymore. Bankruptcy fixed that :S
This video proves to me that I would watch Jill Bearup give life advice on absolutely any topic. I would be up for a whole series of these.
my brother almost got married at 23 to this 19 year old girl, they're both high school drop outs, she never had a job nor had any intention to finish her education, and when we would ask if she had any ambitions, she would just say that she wanted to have kids and be a housewife. Now, my brother didn't have a stable job, no plans, no money, and still lived with our parents, how in the hell could he provide for a family? They even had booked the place of the wedding, the dress etc. and we were all about to go mad with this situation, which was all caused because her mother kept pushing them into getting married. Good thing our side of the family talked some sense into him and eventually they broke up, otherwise i can't even imagine how his life would be right now 3 years later...
My husband was 23 and I was 19 when we got married. I wanted to be (and am) a housewife homeschooling our children and we've been blissfully married for eleven years. It's so interesting to hear about other situations that can sound so similar to my own, and yet be completely different.
@@FebbieG I guess a major difference is the financial situation.
If neither has a stable job nor much spare money, that can become a huge issue.
7 years later, this is still good to watch and rewatch. Coincidentally, I just had my 7th wedding anniversary with my husband and I was married at 25.
“Let’s be kind to each other” is probably the most important phrase said in our whole relationship- right up there with “I love you,” “let me help,” and “I made a vow.” If you are not kind to each other, you are souring your marriage and sabotaging yourselves. It’s not spicy to be at each other’s throats or nip and bicker. Its poison. Kindness makes your marriage a safe space for both of you.
Normalize 👏POST👏MARITAL 👏COUNSELING in the same way pre marital counseling is normalized. Call it a “check in” if you have to, call it “mentorship,” but have someone or a couple with training or experience.
6 years ago Jill didn't mention murder dresses in this video. Talk about changing.
I literally don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m actively not dating anyone
Me, an almost 21 year old virgin with no relationship history: Nervously sweating...
I am 27 year old virgin, with time I realised I am aromantic and demise*ual (I think it is the right term. I am ace for long periods of my life). If I rushed with relationships, I would never discover that about myself, and would live in lies
At 20 i hadn’t even had a kiss. Met husband at 26, married just before i turned 28 & we had our 13th anniversary this year. Your timeline is right for you 💜💚💙
You’re still young. If you want a relationship there’s plenty of time. Enjoy your life, be happy and if it’s meant to be, you’ll find someone 💕
All the things she listed are some of the many reasons why arranged marriages were a thing, historically.
Discussing stuff first is a good idea. Ideally before marriage is really on the cards, but definitely before getting married. If you get married and find out your partner doesn't want kids and you do, then you have a problem. It's not something you can compromise on!
Just found this video in June 2021! We graduated 2017, dating for 3-4 months at that point, and moved in together that fall. Looking back, maybe we did rush into it, maybe we should have slowed down and had those big Life talks... But now, we have been through so many things (some terrible and some amazing) and I don't think either of us regret the way we did things. One thing I would say we have learned (and are still learning) is it will never be an exact 50/50 effort. You are not the same person as your s/o, you are complimentary to each other. Sometimes you might need to give a little more, sometimes they will. Relationships aren't easy and getting married won't make it easier. Because Friends, Love is a choice, not a feeling. ❤
Wonderful advice! I’d only add that communication and appreciation are also key. 😊
Jill: "Advice on Getting Married in your 20s"
TH-cam: Want to watch "I made the Perfect Murder Dress"?
Murdering as a team. It's important.
I don't know what I am doing here I am aroace I literally don't want to get married ever.
Hello, fellow ace.
@@roninelenion4805 hello, fellow fellow ace
*wave* hi aces!!
Aces represent!
Greetings! :)
Married at 24 after 7 years together. Couldn’t be happier. Excellent advice all round.
A small living will is also a good idea, and to talk to them about it. Something that says what medical stuff your ok with/not ok with. It'll help your partner know they are choosing the right thing, and remove alot of the stress, if you're really sick. 🙂
Selfishness is the real relationship killer. If you are both committed to the team over your individual wants and needs - which is harder than it sounds - nothing can stop you. (Except fire, flood, diseases, car crashes, meteorites, war, random lightning strikes, etc.)
hope you and your husband are still happily married 6 years later! makes my heart warm to see marriages be successful these days. every time i hear about someone getting divorced or separated my heart breaks a little.
Fantastic advice! Thank you for expressing it so well. It wears me out that people are so afraid of change and somehow think changing is the death of a relationship. It’s such a relief to take on life with a copilot. When you grow and add new skills, it just means your team becomes stronger and more versatile, more resourceful. Change is the only constant in the universe. How do people get called adults if they don’t know that?
SUCH great advice, top-notch video Jill!
but I got so caught up in the idea that marriage is a celebration of love that I forgot that it was invented to be a means to advance your socioeconomic status
or more specially those of children created out of said marriage. Marriage is first and foremost about producing, nurturing, providing for, protecting and instructing children so they can become good adults. To many don't realize this.
@@MrChickennugget360 and if someone doesn't want children?
@@titanwaves9718 then don't have children.
@@MrChickennugget360 can you still get married in that case or is that against the fundamental reason for marriage 🙄
@@benjisaac just because the primary reason for marriage is children does not mean you cannot get married and not have children.
that would be like saying -the primary reason for talking is to communicate there for you should not talk to yourself.
Didn’t married that earlier but have been for around about 15 years now. Always had a joint account and some separate money, but the POA for joint accounts was news to me. So thanks Jill. Love the channel.
We married in 1975. She was a week away from 18. I had just turned 21. We're still married. I can't imagine life without her. I say, marry young. Struggle together. Prosper together. Learn about life together. Share everything. There is no better way. But of course you have to find the right person and you have to ignore so much outside the home. This has been pretty easy for us.
I know a couple who got married when they also were 21 and 18. Now they have a nice family with 3 children. It surely can work great for some people 👍💖
You are certainly the exception. I've known several couples who married too young, and they all ended up divorced.
Great advice. I got married in 2008, still happily married in 2021. and you suggestions are very applicable and wise. Thank you!
I really like the one about change. We got married at 19 but always kept talking about what changes and how we feel about it. I really believe it is why we still feel like it is new love because we keep rediscovering each other
This is great, and it is greatly appreciated!
Wise words. I hope you make more life advice videos like this.
We got married in our early 20s - I was 24, he was 21. I supported us by working while studying for my masters degree, he finished up his engineering degree... oh man were we poor the first few years. But it's ten years on now, our second kiddo's coming in a week or two, and we're quite happy. We're lucky in that we grew together, and changed in ways that still allowed us to appreciate each other. There is no magic bullet. Communication helps. Good relationship role models make a heck of a difference - having happily married parents, on both sides, helps set realistic impressions of what it looks like to make it work 10, 20, 40 years on.
Sound advice and the work on the marital relationship is ongoing. Speaking from 28 years married, 33 years together. As high school sweethearts, we waited to get hitched until after we got our bachelor’s degrees. Now in our 50’s, we have weathered a lot of different trials and challenges. Doubtless there will be more, but we agree we want to go through them together.
Side note: that financial and legal stuff didn’t seem so important in my 20’s, but I was very wrong. Heaven forbid, something goes really wrong, and the other partner is left clueless and scrambling for answers. These are some of those “ounce of prevention” topics.
Good advice.
My wife and I were over 30 when we got married, and it is still a case that people change.
Money is a big thing.
Communication is the key. Most of the relationship stress we have had have been related to a failure to adequately communicate.
You are wise beyond your years. Spot on advice. We got married at 21, and it will be 24 years this July.
Surprisingly astute and good marriage advicen in general from random sword fighting youtuber!
Brilliant advice. Honesty and realistic expectations are so important. Be kind, be forgiving. Make sure your prospective mate is doing the same. Otherwise don't marry them.It won't work if you are the only one being kind and honest.
I was 20 when we got married and we are about to celebrate our 30th anniversary.
This is so cool! I didn't even know you were married, Jill!
We did pre cana before we got hitched and it really helped us talk everything out before the big day.
All excellent advice, and well stated!
this was good advice thanks jill :)
Good advice!
I met my Mrs when I was 18. Married at 22. I'm now 39 and, have the house family ect.
It is a challenge. There is no happily ever after. A marriage takes work, compromise and patience on both sides. Life will throw curve balls like redundancy and illness. Just always be honest, and be understanding. You'll get through it together.
Together since we were 17 / 19. Now 47 / 49. Remember you are a team is good advice. 3 years in, I remember we had a fight and she assumed the plan was fix it and move on. I vividly remember thinking "ok right" that is the plan from now on.
Don’t plan to get married until 25-26 at the earliest but my partner and I are very certain that assuming we get to that point without any issues, marriage is the next step we both want. Very glad to see my thoughts on it are echoed, I completely agree about finances... it’s very important to have that sorted out so you have commonality but also autonomy. Personally I’d probably go for individual current and saving/investment with a joint current for everything we get that’s for us both/the household and the occasional treat etc, and a joint saving as well.
As with all aspects of a life together, communication with your partner is tantamount!
Individual and joint accounts are what me and my boyfriend plan on doing when we move in together in the summer. We'll each put in the same amount for all household bills, rent and shopping, and have our own personal accounts to manage personal items like clothes, hobbies, car, phone. We also plan to agree a minimum monthly savings each for our future house.
@@kateg9437 sounds exactly like what we plan and also like an ideal set-up! My best wishes to you both 😊
This weirdly made me feel really secure in my life choices and I’m 21. In my 5th year with my partner this year. We’ve lived together for over a year now and had no issues because we basically lived together before anyway. Rather than both being at his or both being at mine we’re just both in our place. We’re aiming to sort out getting married and getting a house in the next 2/3 years as long as nothing too unpredictable happens. My partner is finishing his degree over the next couple months. And neither of us want anything to do with kids. I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable with this plan. I think it helps that we’re both really boring people.
Your new content is awesome but this is why I just subscribed
I’d say this advice is important for any type of relationship at any point in time. Even if you’re getting married when you’re older. Even if you’re not getting married but still in a relationship.
Such great advice!
Good advice. I like it!
I got married at 18. My husband was 19. Have never regretted that or wished we had waited a single day longer. We knew what we wanted and where we were headed. Currently 5 years in with a 1.5 yr old and baby due in a few months. It has been so worth every bit of work and time and effort we've put into growing together and working out our issues/differences.
Wedding spending is positively correlated with divorce. I wonder if that's because the people who can afford to spend loads of money are also more likely able to afford divorce and life without the financial benefits of marriage?
Other studies have shown that wealthier couples are less likely to divorce though. My guess is that people in solid relationships dont feel the need to spend tens of thousands to "show their love". The people who need it are more superficial and feel like they have something to prove
I've heard about this statistic before. The explanation that was offered to me is that marriage is psychologically supported by the community (friends, family, etc.), which is why the number of people who attend your wedding is negatively correlated with divorce. When people spend a lot of money on the wedding, the focus (for the couple as well as everyone else) is shifted from the wedding to the reception party.
My best advice by just observing friends and families marriage is go to Couple therapy before marriage. Dont contect bank accounts just Open a third shared one that both chip in equaly for food exspenses, utility bills, rent, insurance and other things both shares. Have a contract that protects your intresst that is equal and Fair to both. Shared things will be equaly devided if divorce happens and before it goes that far one year of Couple therapy before filing a divorce. Have hobbies that is yours alone
Thanks for this. This is sound advice.
That was good advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, will move in together in the summer, plan to buy a house two years after, and then hopefully he married within two years of that. We do all the serious conversations, not only talking about kids, but also parenting styles. We talk finances, including credit score and savings. I find it weird when people say you should talk about these when engaged, as I would say they should be spoken about much earlier
Marriage is a partnership... successful partnerships need both partners working together. Working on your Marriage is romantic... my partner and I are heading for 34 years... we spent near 3 years dating (or as we often put it, getting comfortable). I was 24, he 26 when we tied the knot and I still love learning, and growing together.
I was 23 when I got married and my wife was 22. We will be celebrating our 24th anniversary tomorrow. I just realized that this means we will have spent more time married than not. Sometimes I wonder if I just got lucky, because I'm pretty sure I had no idea what I was doing. At least that's what it feels like now, looking back at my 23-year-old self.
Not in a relationship, happily single but yes, get a Will! You can get them online! Cheap, easy, there in case the worst happens and you snuff it. I was once given a newspaper advert in an RPG (I sucked at being the leader, ok 😬) - “Leave a Will, or leave a Mess” it stuck with me and it’s true. So do it! Today! Now! And don’t forget to update it when important life events happen- you get married, have kids, get divorced, some beneficiary dies, you change your mind about who gets what, a sibling has a kid. Don’t be like my friend’s mother: terminally ill and never had a Will. It’s messy and heartbreaking and stressful for all concerned.
If you are going to be together for a long time, you are both going to grow and change. That is part of it. Sometimes you will be in sync and sometimes not. But you are still there for each other and love each other.
I got married at 21...22 and have been married more than half my life.
This is solid advice. Sometime the youtube algorithm way back machine is good.
The good thing about getting married in your twenties is that you've had less of a chance to rack up debt 😄
We got engaged fairly quickly but chose to have a long engagement so I could finish my degree and I do enjoy the way we went with. It sounds cheesy but when you know, you know
Good advice.
Furthering bank accounts note - my parents only had a joint account and it resulted in them both being very controlling and nosey into what the other person would buy or spend money on. My mum highly recommends that each person should have their own account as well as a joint account. You should still have your own independence in a marriage/relationship. My mum was completely dependent on my dad and it cause many problems (especially mentally) for both of them
This only came up and it is really sound advice. I totally wld give the same and I am much older and a life coach.
Marriage is like a hostage situation: Do exactly as your told and no one gets hurt!
And that's from a male perspective!
I married my high school sweetheart and we've been together for 16 years now, and got married in our 20s.
Honestly we didn't think much of it or about it, we moved in together when we were 18, married at 23, kids at 25... it all just seemed natural I guess.
However we've certainly had some very hard times! Very hard, 28 was rough...
But truthfully patience, perseverance, fidelity, integrity and bravery are the keys to keeping with it... that and an undying love for each other.
Love this. LOVE. This.
In hindsight I wish we had gone into some debt for our wedding. We didn't quite get the wedding we wanted, largely because of financial reasons. There were compromises at every turn, and it added up to a viscerally sub-par ceremony. We were mentally comparing everything that happened to how it was *supposed* to happen. If I had known I was going to lose my job 9 months later and be faced with bankruptcy anyway, we definitely would have borrowed more and had what we wanted. Our credit wouldn't have been any worse affected if we'd been fifty thousand more in debt at the time. On the other hand, the first big fusing force we had once we were married was grieving together for our wedding and pulling together to blame everyone else who had let us down so badly. So it's possible we wouldn't have got off to such a strong start if we'd had what we wanted on the day.
I'm a widower, married for 41 years. Speaking as a veteran, your advice is spot on.
Very good advice. My advice is marry your best friend and be your spouse's best friend. If your partner isn't your best friend, don't marry them no matter what other good things may come of marriage, sex, money status, security. The friendship and companionship are what lasts through the tough times. And there WILL be tough times. The toughest for us was 6 years of her gallantly fighting cancer until it took her.
In the US incapacity of one person will not freeze an account or an asset. Having a will is a necessity. It may be needed in an instant. You can have a power of attorney that only kicks in under certain circumstances, e.g., incapacity, or from and to a certain date. Another thing to do which often avoids probate is to have assets, such as a house, car, or bank account, as "joint tenants with right of survivorship." Those are magic words which means full title to the asset passes to the survivor on the death of one person. Check with an attorney in your state or country to make sure this is true for you.
Wow that's really interesting I wish mor people made videos about this topic.
If you meet the right person marriage is wonderful. We had 28 really good years and then cancer claimed her. I still miss her and still love her.