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I never knew of a dismissive avoidant, till my wife has sent me one of your other videos, and it has opened and taught me that I am one of them, it is very sad to know and how I thought nothing was wrong with me but I see there is😢😢
If you're in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant who isn't willing to change or work on bettering themselves, you'll end up dismissing and avoiding yourself.
I honestly feel like there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant. This is all about bending to make them feel comfortable while ignoring your own emotional needs. You could still do all this and a DA will still ghost you because they run from intimacy.
I'm a DA, trying to find balance rn with my emotional needs with my SO, you're telling me my relationship is doomed from the start? No, it's all to do with collaboration, giving a little on each side. This vid is about how to meet our needs yeah, but I'm also working on being more aware of my SO's needs, plenty of that in other vids too. Don't be so judgy and cut whole groups of people off like that.
They don't often reflect upon their behaviour because they don't believe they can get their needs met by others, so how could they trust a psychologist? 🥴 not impossible but generally it's pointless unless they choose self awareness like any attachment issue. They are just so much more work and triggering for the rest of us
@@Antaeres DA here, as I said before. That's litterally not how we work at all? Before I knew about any of this, I knew there was something wrong. And it's not how psychologists work either. Yes it took me nearly a year to open up about a lot of my issues with my psych, but I was experiencing slow improvements as we went. People are people no matter what their relational wounds make them like. We're not narcissists or psychopathic, we're as hurt and blind to ourselves as nearly all others. But our wounds mean we often can't defend ourselves. I've been with the anxious types who needed consant upkeep and reassurance. It broke me, giving all I could give and still being told it wasn't enough, that I was cold and uncaring, and when this led to me shutting down, it just made the barrage worse. I was filled with so much self hatred all the time and didn't know why. It made me so much worse. I could say the same, that there was no healthy relationship to be found for those people, but there is. They have wounds like me, and we might not have been right for each other, but I'm not gonna go trash everyone experiencing what they were??
what a silly take. all attachment styles have issues. I've yet to meet a "secure" anything. I will say if the DA aren't willing to work, let them go. they not ready.
Criticism is nonsense to them 😂 absolutely!!! They can literally treat you any way they like and then refuse to let you object, refuse to see things from your point of view, refuse to talk and refuse to resolve. It’s your fault. I have spent 8 months giving this person time to open up, what a waste. Such hard work, all about him, disagreeable and unpleasant. Thankfully he was avoidant in the bedroom too so chemistry died. To me, this type of persons behaviour is emotional abuse. Go and give all your love and support to someone who values you.
Hunny been doin this for years. he changes at right time then things good for while suddenly pulls back, he make up excuse if needed... At the beginning i was avoidant too. he told me i didnt express emotions, realizing this i worked on it....Im more recently learning about this & im libra get lost in 'what could be, potential'... Glad i can put a name on it tho
So to summarise - always be there to support them and always be there for them but never expect the support back because they don’t want to take care of anybody. I would say they are the needy ones in most relationships as it all has to be on their terms and suit their needs.
Ikr? It's like you give them your all, you're always there for them... but they can't even try to meet your basic needs? What are you getting out of it except pain and frustration? 💁🏿♀️ We're not asking for much ...
funny, that's the only thing I thought he got wrong. I don't know what he meant by support. DAS don't need constant assurance, so I assume he meant something else? One of the biggest problems with DAS is they don't need anyone for anything. neediness doesn't compute, grow up, etc., which is devastating to someone looking for support. I'll agree as a DA if they are unaware or worse unwilling to work on it, just go. Not your responsibility to fix.
@@seapeajones I would understand it as “accommodate “ and support his/her wants and needs at all times. Accommodate when they want closeness, accommodate when they don’t. The constant dance to just tend to what they want at the moment at the expense of your own desires. Because of that Relationships are on their terms basically as if you push too much in either direction they run. That’s my experience at least and that’s why I see them as “needy”. It’s like they keep you hostage of their wishes without even knowing it.
@@seapeajones they have no conscious awareness of their support needs but they have quite high support needs. If asked they'd say they have none. If asked "is there anything I can do to help?" They'll appreciate it but then reply something like "no I got myself into this mess I gotta clean it up" and mean it. But then what they actually require from you support wise is to accept absolutely no effort from them for the foreseeable future. No connection at all... Because they refuse to seek or accept direct consensual support for the things going on in their life. They instead force everyone into whatever roles they need to play while the DA hunkers down into a space that's tragically self involved while somehow also operating with zero self awareness in order to detach from the stress. And tbh a lot of people don't consent to that and that's when the DA loses people and it reinforces that whole "I'm not enough" wound. It's a covert cycle but it's there.
I feel very resentful towards my DA partner. It's like nothing is gonna hurt them. Nothing will ever make them feel as hurt and frustrated as they make other people feel.
You know what, S? My dismissive person just didn't even seem to realize that he had done anything to provoke his bad behavior. In fact, it wasn't until a third party pointed out how dead wrong he had been in his treatment of me that he contacted me after so many months, came to my house and faced me with a boat-load of apologies. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. Three weeks later, he was back to not talking to me because I stated that he needed to not travel during this holiday season because of his age, his pre-existing condition and because of how it might endanger the older members of his family that he'd be going to far to visit; two different states and both of them hot spots for covid 19. I said and made and made it clear that I would be devastated if something happened to him that could have been prevented and when I saw it going the wrong way, I apologized, took the high road and told him to 'hey, have a great trip!' He still managed to hold on to that as if I'd done something to purposely hurt him.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929 h Ugh yeah..I know how you're feeling. I have been stuck at the "evaluate if the relationship is worth staying in part". I don't wanna leave him. So the cycle continues. I am trying to work on my own issues in the mean time until I change my mind :/
@@user-qv5vt7gy7r You know what, S? I had to look at it this way: I just do not have the time or the energy or the patience to treat him with kid gloves anymore. I understand what his relationship with his mother did to devastate him so I'm not angry. I'm just sad for him and I'll tell you why. I've travelled the world. I'm a poor kid who took some lemons and got educated, have met all kinds of interesting people, did everything my life that I wanted to; some things beyond my fondest dreams came true for me. Him? He's never travelled very far, had a job he retired from that he hated, never been married, no kids. Being his mama's boy robbed him of his entire life. I'm sad for him because of all the things he missed out on being the way he is. The wife he could have had. The kids, the grand-kids wrapped around his shoulders and his legs on holidays. He's missed out on all of that while I've got two of the best kids in the world, have experienced all that great stuff and then some. I'm not angry with him. I feel so very sorry that at the end of the day, he has not much more than his meaness, his insecurities, his cruel manner and he doesn't have sense enough to know what a gift it is to have a wonderful woman like me in his life. But hey! I still look good so I'm not gonna spend 2021 waitin' on this fool. What about YOU, girl?
Two months ago me and my DA reconciled and things were great up until recently. I low key regret giving it another chance. We talk when he’s ready to talk, he answers questions when he’s ready to answer questions, we take breaks of silence when he wants to be silence, we fix problem when he’s ready to fix a problem, we have sex when he wants to have sex, we plan when he’s ready to start planning. Ik i have so much to work on personally to enhance my relationships , being with a DA seems to have stunt my growth and my love. Regardless of how much I love him, Being with him has became exhausting and hard . Everytime I’m ready to throw in the towel n allow the space between us to be there he randomly decides to be in a better mood towards me. I’m tired
Similar here. After I went no contact for 11 months she's back. I've made it clear I wont settle for just friends and if it goes back to the default, I'm gone. Either we work on things and move forward or not. You're right being caught in that hot cold cycle is exhausting.
@@asiah797 I enjoy spending time with her, but it's gone back to when she's lonely or doesn't have anything else going on. While friends meet women and move in together or get married, I'm in this relationship that goes nowhere. Is it better than nothing? I don't know, I'm kind of just indifferent to it, which isn't good. So not sure what I'm going to do, at some point I'll probably end it for good. How are you doing?
@@theguy4615 sounds like a good idea. Individual therapy and couples therapy helped me a lot. Maybe you guys should try that. Me and my DA broke up. I think about him everyday but I am at peace when I sleep and wake-up not constantly anxious & worrying about why they’re upset, if they’re gonna up and leave , over explaining myself , etc. I’m in no contact. he indirectly reached out once and for the first time I didn’t feel the need to respond or chase .
@@asiah797 sorry to hear that. I think partners of DA's need to find out why we tolerate being treated like that and find healthier partners going forward.
I don't see how this is different to that of a narc. It just seems like the dismissive avoidant gets away with having a bad attitude because they don't receive criticism well,and can't be disappointed etc. Its not realistic. I can in the most diplomatic way share my concerns and then they just become the victims. Do my feelings not count? Dismissive Avoidants come off as people who only matter and rest of us are just out to get them which isn't true. Its unhealthy for me to tiptoe around the Avoidant because they can't handle stuff like a grown up.
It very different from a narc a narc needs a life source to feed off energy vampires who view themselves in a positive light and doesn’t have the empathy for another person a DA views themselves in a negative light and do have empathy for others a DA is able to self sooth they don’t need another person they will do anything for their partner and meet their needs a narc will not and has no desire to do so however u need to be clear about ur needs to a DA in order for them to be able to give it to u basically have to teach them because they don’t know how it’s important to not come from a place of shaming them for not knowing how to meet needs if they are criticised they will deactivate they already feel that they are not good enough or deficient in someway criticising them is enforcing that feeling to them u don’t have to tiptoe around them u just need to come from a place of understanding knowing that they are not trying to be mean people they are scared of closeness because to them being vulnerable means that they will experience pain it comes from emotional neglect in childhood u can’t expect someone to know how to be loving and connected if they haven’t experienced it ur feelings do count absolutely and a DA partner will care about ur emotions a narc won’t just don’t shame them for not knowing how to be present or they back away 🤷🏻♀️
Georgina Dautovic There is such a fine line between DA and Narcissistic Cluster B personality disorder Important Clear distinctions need to be defined for clarification
So if I understand what you’re saying correctly, it’s about HOW to clearly communicate your needs to a DA in a way that doesn’t shame/blame them. DA have a willingness to meet your needs. Thank you for clarifying 😅 I think I see the distinction now. So my understanding is that DA want to step up and meet Your needs as opposed to “ Narcissistics “ who are not interested in meeting your needs regardless of communication. They adamantly and defiantly refuse to meet your needs and will Push Back by blaming /shaming you for asking to have your needs met, in a negative, unhealthy, toxic retaliatory behaviour and language.
They are incredibly judgmental negative and childish people who are so selfish! Karma will hit them in the eye one day for being so closed minded don’t waste your time with overly sensitive people that lack the ability to communicate their needs and shame you for having needs… screw that! I was told I was emotional like it’s a bad thing by my ex he can cry me a river now!
Thank you for this video. Sometimes I think people may be a little too harsh with Dismissive Avoidants. They can’t help how their core wounds were developed, and they long to be loved just like everyone else. If you deeply love someone, you love them with patience and compassion. Yes, it hurts sometimes but if you can see the tragic soul that needs the love you offer but doesn’t know how to receive it, I think it is worth hanging in there. Loving a Dismissive Avoidant is not for the faint of heart that’s for sure. Thanks again.
In love with a DA as an AP and I can say that she can be (or come across as) cold as ice! But, reading and watching stuff on DA's I think I can appreciate the small gestures as meaning more than they would from a non DA. And she can be loving, supportive, empathetic and I can see the vulnerability being masqueraded as a tough shell. But the chase is addictive. Those moments of warmth in the sea of 'dismissive' feel like a sweet reward after the chase. But the long periods of dismissal in between are miserable. I love her though, and I love her for what and who she is.
The only way to have a healthy relationship with a Dismissive, is to have an even healthier relationship with yourself and LEAVE!!!! Get out of there and work on aligning with a more secure partner!
Seems like it makes no sense for them to even enter into a relationship, if everything appears to have to be perfect for them or they will deactivate. While their partner suffers and have to do without any support. Memo to DA: Please do us all a favor and Stay SIngle!
Just a reminder we’re people too and we’re trying to sort our problems out just like everyone else. Comments like that don’t help anyone. You’re only making it worse when you say those things.
As hurt as I was in my last relationship, the blessing comes from the breaking because I never knew these were patterns that I can now avoid in the future. It has taught so much on how healthy my boundaries are and not to settle for someone that can not make healthy boundaries themself.
Hello! I am a DA myself and I was looking videos like this because I was curious on why I act certain way with people or relationships, thanks for this educational video!
I never encountered a DA until post divorce. Awful! Finally let my walls down and he did a 180 on me. Of course being that I never knew what this was...I lashed out. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde = DAs. The worst part is falling in love w who they are the first few months.
I have a video talking about the first 90 days with a DA Dismissive Avoidant: The 90 day rule with a dismissive avoidant th-cam.com/video/p4WxZFFQcSo/w-d-xo.html
Coach, this is all sound advice but correct me if I’m wrong, nothing you do matters because they will always want to end things then hook up with someone else. I was pretty much a perfect partner (learned from being in longer term relations with either a BPD or avoidant) but even if you’re an angel and all their friends love you, the AD will just come up with whatever reason to rationalize them walking away. Ultimately these relationships are just doomed. Am I not right?
YES. If they are not willing to change, then they don’t deserve someone who is willing to do the work or try for their benefit. It’s fucked up, it really is. Loved my girlfriend every day for 4 years. Everything was on her terms though. EVERYTHING. And I felt we made progress for myself and her around the 2 year mark but she slumped back into her DA ways. slowly I resented her and became distant and cold towards her and it made me unhappy. Because I loved her so much and couldn’t bring myself to meet leave because there was so much good in other areas. Slumped into depression off and on and she couldn’t understand why and I stopped meeting her emotional needs at the expense of my needs. She didn’t have the emotional intelligence to do so and didn’t care either way. It really hurt and before I did my research and found out about attachment styles I realized what a scared girl she is and I wish I could of made her happy, but self love, self help and self understanding are THE most important things in a relationship. And if they want that from you but cannot, refuse or are incapable of giving you those things. WALK AWAY. I should’ve had the self love and respect to walk away a year ago. Because she moved on like nothing 2 weeks after our 4 year long “soul mate” “you’re my person” “I’ll never be with someone else, only you” relationship and I’m the one that’s broken and devastated. DA’s only want the good and easy. They don’t want to change themselves or environment, they only want others to change and people or things in their environment to change, not themselves. It’s a hard truth especially when you felt so genuine and truthful to your own feelings and that those feelings were mutual. It’s a hard truth of life that sometimes you need to walk away with your dignity and self respect, even though you have strong feelings for another person. It has nothing to do with them and everything with you.
@@schylerjohnson9216 Reading your post describes blatant NPD tendencies ... especially the not caring over time, 2 years is an investment devoid of empathy which is a big red flag 🚩
I can really empathize with you, my friend. You stated it well.....glad you moved on. Life is short, and you cannot change someone who is not willing to self-respect and show up in a relationship!
Once I asked my ex what he loved more about me and te said right off the bat - your consistency. Yup, always kept my word and was always supportive. Currently in NC and very much hoping we can continue to evolve together. I'm AP and am being "forced" to step up my game. Praying for us to have a new chance. 💕
I am an AP involved with a Scorpio DA. I am trying very hard to detach myself from this relationship. We can't save them from themselves. This is a game that we will never win. Your physical and mental health will suffer possibly irreparable damage if you don't detach!
I'm so thankful that I've found this channel. A lot of confusion is clearing up for me. Now I feel so much more prepared to tackle these issues. I'm starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel. 😊
You can not criticize them, right,...but they can for sure criticize you! Not good! Coach sent you a "one" paragraph message at your site, 1 month ago...no response
This is text book of how my beloved was/ is. It’s a shame I didn’t find these videos when I was with him. Might have helped, might not have helped. But at least I would have understood better of what was going on. I loved him.
Hey Coach! My DA and I had thing that lasted about 8 months. In the end, he broke it off when it got too real... I was confused and distraught, and this brought out the worst in me. I did NOT have a great reaction.... INdeed, I got angry for the first time, and threw a few choice words at him. I felt that his behavior was unbelievably cold and cruel. Fast forward a month and I become aware of the fact that he, by all accounts, fits the classic description of a dismissive-avoidant. I am not a diagnostician, but, its pretty uncanny. Suddenly I was overcome with sympathy and a resurgence of warm feelings. I felt so guilty for having pressured him and for all of my clingy behavior... So, I sent him an apology text, that was long (I know, not the best thing) but heartfelt. No answer from him, which is totally fine. I doubt I will speak to him again for a while, so he can revisit the text and chew on it if he feels bored or curious at some point. I know he is relieved and likely not thinking about me. I know he is probably having fun with the ladies (hes a handsome fella). I don't care about that, as long as he is doing what he needs to do. I want him to feel supported and free to do his thing. I love him dearly. Maybe we will only be friends, which would be cool, but what do you think the chances are of us rekindling a romance? Any advice? Should I reach out sooner rather than later? (It has been 7 weeks since we last interacted, 2 weeks since I sent the apology ESSAY). Thanks in advance, Coach! Your videos are great. :) (PS: I am usually a secure attachment, but this guy brought out the most raving, anxious version of me, so that is probably how he sees me).
UPDATE!!! I'm back with amazing news, and I'm so happy I can share it with people who have struggled with a dismissive avoidant partner. (Thank you to those who have tried to light me up for an update, and I'm sorry I didn't receive the first two comment alerts.) Short story, HE CAME BACK!! RIGHT AFTER NEW YEARS, THIS YEAR!!! 🤗😁🌞🌞❤️. It's been a really long time since I posted my video comment. Like, almost 2 years. My guy ended up moving 2,000 miles away. The day before he left, I sent him a series of very sweet texts saying how much I'm going to miss him, and how I was super happy for him, and how I would send him jokes and drink recipes, and maybe even come visit him sooon... ya he didn't like that. I was being kind, but what he felt he needed was for me to just let him move forward without having to think about me. (I need to mention here that while we were seeing one another, he claims to have felt that we were in love but that he had trouble trusting me and felt like things would fall apart eventually because he wasn't ready or something. It also needs to be said that he never mentioned being in love with me and never tried to verbally communicate any issues surrounding trust issues or doubts about our connection. His face, his demeanor, his words.... They were devoid of any tells that might give me an inkling as to WHAT in the ninth level of hell he felt for me. Like, nothing. And believe me that I obsessed (in my own head, I never really shared my feelings with others, which I believe worked to my benefit... Avoidants don't seem to be attracted to people who spend their time reviewing and closely tracking their actions/behaviors. After he moved, I would amuse myself with the baffling realization that I wouldn't have been surprised to find out he had never cared about me at all. Nor would I have been surprised to discover that he had been in love with me but had been unable to process it in a healthy way. Like, the two stories were completely equally possible. In the past, before I met him, I had always at least been able to sense whether most people liked me or disliked me, even when they didn't really have an opinion. NOT SO WITH MY AVOIDANT. He gave nothing away. It sucked. If you are dealing with that and find that your avoidant becomes an empty space (disappears, goes dark, or exhibits a confusing lack of concern for how you are) know that in all likelihood he is probably NOT EXPERIENCING ANY EMOTION AT ALL. At least in that moment. Whereas most people have some version of a feeling or otherwise react in some way to intense moments as the moments are occuring, avoidants do the opposite. They feel nothing. They don't dislike you. They don't like you. They don't care. But they also don't not care? They aren't neutral per se... But they aren't totally unneutral...?. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. It is the purest form of mind-f**k. They can't help it. Not unless they work on it. That's part 1 of my shocking, starcrossed reunion story, tune in later for part 2. Il have time in a few days. In the meantime, don't call them or text them. If u have to wrap your hands in packing tape or give your best friend ur cellphone, do it. Not forever, just until I finish my update. Couple days. Seriously, don't contact them for a couple days; an avoidant will not forget u exist when u stay out of their headspace for a little time. It's hard to comprehend, but that peaceful place in their minds, where they are not thinking about you or the relationship AT ALL... thats the mysterious magical place where they actually fall in love. let them do their weird avoidant thing. Surprise them with your total lack of needing them to do anything for u. By the way, a week of no contact is even better than a couple days. Time passes suuuuuper slowly in DA land. Be back soon for more on what happened.
@@chloesellers1341 Hi thanks for your update! Do you have social media? Would love to connect so I can know in detail what the heck goes through a DAs mind since you’ve been through the storm.
@@chloesellers1341 I’m on week 4 of no contact. He reached out twice and I gave non-engaging answers because I got the impression he only wants friends with benefits. Since his reach outs and me shutting down the conversation, he deactivated. Some channels say to be consistent in their lives to build their trust, others say to leave them alone and let them come to you. So confusing!
@@IamCoachCourt Both personality types get their "fix" from each other....the AP chases without ever getting what they want, the DA always gets what they want from the AP except when the AP gets too "clingy" searching for fix as the DA pulls back.....such a viscous cycle.
I liked the video very much, very straight to the point. But are we sure deactivating means reconsidering the relationship? Isn't just the attachment taking action to chill out the fears and overwhelming state ? If you give them space, they come back like nothing happened, because they suppress the feeling, not fix, suppress.
Thank you Coach Court for your insight.I have been in relationship with DA for three years and his inability to commit me drove me insane but I always knew he had feelings so I wasnt able to leave him.I think I am the anxious one and I lashed out at him and then he texted me it's all over, your requirements are different so I wont be able to commit . I called him hundred times and he dint receive even once.I was heartbroken.I wasnt aware of attachment theory then and now after 4 months of NC , I came across your video that really helped me to gain some perspective.I had hope that he would return but now I am not sure should I wait or move on?
Depends on how far away you pushed him. You’re going to have to regain his trust emotionally again. If you decide to reach out try not to put little pressure on him
Nice content but who In the world got time for this type of attachment and I have a secure attachment I will not put up with this the of high sensitive person that you have to walk on 🥚 shells around them , no thanks.
You don't need to walk on eggshells. You just need to look after your own eggs and know how much you are willing to give and how willing you are to value who they are, not what their use for you is. It's a communication strategy, not a character flaw.
I think I’ve been able to have a good relationship with my DA because I’m not that anxious. If I calmly tell him I was hurt by something, saying “I felt” and follow up saying I’m trying to understand him, he will accept it after initial raised eyebrows and some reluctance. Early on I said I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship and he asked if we could talk. We did and he listened.
Coach Court, hey would a DA reach out to an ex in different ways. I feel my ex is a DA. We been broke up for a month n a half. Lately I've been getting restricted calls late at night like once a week. I can hear a TV on in the back round, she slept with the TV on. Any advice would help
But you know, try to see this not as a reason to give up on people but as motivation to develop and grow. Dismissive avoidance really messes people up - both the avoidant and their partner and I think it's the first step to be aware of this. While the DA usually suppresses any negative feelings and is completely fine with moving on, the ex partner is left disoriented, with eroded self-esteem, questioning reality because they were in the relationship, while the DA was in a relationship with their own fears, their partner kind of secondary and interchangeable. Which is why the ex partners are here, airing their hurt feelings. They'll spend weeks if not months questioning what they did wrong, how they could have acted and communicated to achieve a different outcome...and that's more energy spent on (past) relationships than DAs put into present relationships and their own emotional well-being. All that love and care spent on someone who is too afraid to receive it. Those comments that make you feel bad are from people who tried their hardest to make their DA partners feel supported, special and loved while the DA was looking for reasons to leave them or fantasising about the perfect partner who would give them what their actual partner was already offering. That's tragic on both sides.
I'm a DA too. What people are missing is that we are supportive, caring, and loving. The problem is we know we will give it if it's being given but in most cases we don't receive it which makes us tired of trying and we just say to hell with it. We love hard and take breakups and things not working even harder. That's what so many of these people don't understand about us. We avoid the process of dating and relationships altogether because we become overwhelmed by it and it takes a lot out of us. So I know and understand how you feel.
@@alexblainelayter7703 facts...it’s been a few months since I broke up with my DA...she didn’t push me away, she shoved me. I gave her my all, made a lot of concessions but her inability to compromise one iota and/or take accountability left me hurt, angry and resentful....months later I still feel the sting and am left wondering. I now know it has nothing to do with me. There are days I feel angry towards her and others where I miss her deeply. I want to reach out and discuss things but I also now that will push her even further away which is beyond frustrating. I’m thinking I should let go and move on but I still feel deeply connected to her....what a mind fuck! I’m secure attachment but this whole experience has definitely made me a bit anxious. For the time being I’m just doing me...only time will tell I guess 🤷🏻♂️
Even if you had done everything right, you would have met the same fate ...DA's are not meant for long term healthy relationships...thank your stars that you are out of it...there is no happy ending with a DA!
When trying to reconcile with an dismissive avoidant, who are really not even aware of what attachment styles is at all... Would it perhaps be wise to show them a video like this?
I feel like if you don’t come from a rough background you just wouldn’t understand their traumas enough to feel why they act the way we do. None of us are perfect.
I asked my friend and have been asking for a year to have my need met. One night a month at least where we do something together like watch a movie. Just spend a couple of hours a month hanging out and spending quality time together, doing something we can build memories and bond around. Whenever I ask for this it triggers her to pull away and yet she does this stuff with her other friends weekly at least. It's just me she treats like this and I don't understand why the double standards for me. If I think about walking away from the friendship, she assures me that she loves me, wants me around and is willing to work at it. But then she fills her life with that much other stuff she's too busy. When I'm asking for nothing she has all the time in the world to talk, when I ask to do anything she gets dysregulated and then busy.
Please give more insight into this: you say they don't like "nonsense" or to look after people, but what about their responsibility? If someone isn't paying the bills that need to be paid and it is affecting the relationship, the dismissive-avoidant will take something as simple as "we could save money..." or "let's stick to our plan to clear our credit card debt" as _control_ or _criticism_ when it really isn't. Even when said in everyone's best interest, in a gentle or quiet tone, how do you deal with a dismissive-avoidant who is plainly irresponsible? "Giving someone space" to mess up kids' visitstion resulting in more court appearances and welfare checks is exhausting.
Hey Courtney this is a huge character issue for the DA and not so much their partner. I suggest that you provide content on how the DA can begin to recognize their problem in order to seek help, support, and heal themselves. For instance on ways in which the D A can become a better partner in their relationship(s). If DAs are listening to this content right now, it will not help them. TBH, your message is providing alot of ambiguity. Furthermore, your content will appear very one sided and justified to DAs whom are listening. I hope this is not your intent. If it is not, I hope you change the way your deliver your content. You should include both sides and not just on how what a partner needs to do to satisfy a DA.
I'll agree a how to fix vid would be great, but no DA is sitting here feeling justified. Relief, more likely. I knew something was wrong for years now, but didn't know what or how much it affected my loved ones until vids like this. It helps just to know the patterns, cuz once you catch it, you can stop, apologize, etc.
@@seapeajonesThanks for your input. I would love to find the best way to present to my spouse. I believe my spouse is a DA. You have any suggestion? How did you discover that you are a DA.
@@singingmanmd there are numerous quizzes online about attachment styles. Once you figure that out and sincerely want to change, did into more research. In regard to your initial comment, I don't think anyone who actively wants to work on themselves should look at this video in that light. When I search my FA attachment style, it makes me cringe at the thought of how people need to constantly drain themselves sometimes to deal with me. So I work on the "criticism" and try to change my subconscious to a more secured way of thinking.
Coach...I like your channel and content but this time I have to say that the way you describe DA is as if we all have to watch or p's and q's and walk on eggshells for them .we can't criticize them, but they can criticize us. We have to cater to their delicate personalities, but they can abuse us emotionally etc. etc. Relationship is a two-way street and if we put them on a pedistal, we will surely suffer. We always have to be worried that if we say the wrong thing or the pitch of our voice is not to their liking then they will de-activate. Who the hell can live with someone like this? Not me anymore. I have been through it.....and it is no picnic!
You're exactly right. Lol. That's how they are. They don't and won't receive criticism very well and expressions of feelings are judgements to them because they express in their love language. It's not worth it to be with a DA in my perspective. I always tried to be loving and supporting to mine and always expressed my needs. But expressing my needs was always met with me being abandoned or told "that's just me". If they don't work on themselves it's a waste of time. Emotional damage.
I asked Jesus to show me a new youtube couch that can walk the walk and talk the talk. The last couch I watched for a few years and learned everything I could from them. This is who Jesus sent me next
The bottom line is that the ONLY person capable of attaching to a DA is a healthy person with a secure attachment style. So fix yourself first, become secure and tolerant of the needs of someone who has been traumatized in childhood.
A secure person will not accept crumbs of a relationship... So the secure might try for a bit but then leaves when he/she realises it's just a waste of time..
Follow the channel for weekly personal development videos ☺️.
-----------------------
Email me at Courtney@fruitfulseedz.com for personal coaching and quicker responses to your inquires!
Question,
How do I fix all this lmao?
Do you have a video on this?
@@jacobscott833 as far as yourself?
I never knew of a dismissive avoidant, till my wife has sent me one of your other videos, and it has opened and taught me that I am one of them, it is very sad to know and how I thought nothing was wrong with me but I see there is😢😢
@@gabrielark6353 now we learn new skills my friend
@@IamCoachCourt but i get mentally knocked down now from her over my mistakes that I see she says it makes me feel hurt and terrible inside
If you're in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant who isn't willing to change or work on bettering themselves, you'll end up dismissing and avoiding yourself.
This is so true!
Well said.
@The Omniscient Void and ain't that the sad truth?!
Yes, I recently realized that I have been dismissing and avoiding myself for the past 15 plus years as a way of coping with my DA husband of 21 years.
@@anewchapter1336 always put yourself first. he is a grown man, let him deal with himself.
I honestly feel like there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant. This is all about bending to make them feel comfortable while ignoring your own emotional needs. You could still do all this and a DA will still ghost you because they run from intimacy.
Truth
I'm a DA, trying to find balance rn with my emotional needs with my SO, you're telling me my relationship is doomed from the start? No, it's all to do with collaboration, giving a little on each side.
This vid is about how to meet our needs yeah, but I'm also working on being more aware of my SO's needs, plenty of that in other vids too.
Don't be so judgy and cut whole groups of people off like that.
They don't often reflect upon their behaviour because they don't believe they can get their needs met by others, so how could they trust a psychologist? 🥴 not impossible but generally it's pointless unless they choose self awareness like any attachment issue. They are just so much more work and triggering for the rest of us
@@Antaeres DA here, as I said before. That's litterally not how we work at all? Before I knew about any of this, I knew there was something wrong. And it's not how psychologists work either. Yes it took me nearly a year to open up about a lot of my issues with my psych, but I was experiencing slow improvements as we went.
People are people no matter what their relational wounds make them like. We're not narcissists or psychopathic, we're as hurt and blind to ourselves as nearly all others. But our wounds mean we often can't defend ourselves.
I've been with the anxious types who needed consant upkeep and reassurance. It broke me, giving all I could give and still being told it wasn't enough, that I was cold and uncaring, and when this led to me shutting down, it just made the barrage worse. I was filled with so much self hatred all the time and didn't know why. It made me so much worse.
I could say the same, that there was no healthy relationship to be found for those people, but there is. They have wounds like me, and we might not have been right for each other, but I'm not gonna go trash everyone experiencing what they were??
what a silly take. all attachment styles have issues. I've yet to meet a "secure" anything. I will say if the DA aren't willing to work, let them go. they not ready.
Criticism is nonsense to them 😂 absolutely!!! They can literally treat you any way they like and then refuse to let you object, refuse to see things from your point of view, refuse to talk and refuse to resolve. It’s your fault.
I have spent 8 months giving this person time to open up, what a waste. Such hard work, all about him, disagreeable and unpleasant. Thankfully he was avoidant in the bedroom too so chemistry died.
To me, this type of persons behaviour is emotional abuse. Go and give all your love and support to someone who values you.
facts. anything they don't wanna hear or take accountability for is nonsense. the hypocrisy is mind-boggling.
Hunny been doin this for years. he changes at right time then things good for while suddenly pulls back, he make up excuse if needed... At the beginning i was avoidant too. he told me i didnt express emotions, realizing this i worked on it....Im more recently learning about this & im libra get lost in 'what could be, potential'... Glad i can put a name on it tho
So to summarise - always be there to support them and always be there for them but never expect the support back because they don’t want to take care of anybody. I would say they are the needy ones in most relationships as it all has to be on their terms and suit their needs.
Ikr? It's like you give them your all, you're always there for them... but they can't even try to meet your basic needs? What are you getting out of it except pain and frustration? 💁🏿♀️ We're not asking for much ...
I've said this. They fear being controlled but are covertly controlling af
funny, that's the only thing I thought he got wrong. I don't know what he meant by support. DAS don't need constant assurance, so I assume he meant something else? One of the biggest problems with DAS is they don't need anyone for anything. neediness doesn't compute, grow up, etc., which is devastating to someone looking for support. I'll agree as a DA if they are unaware or worse unwilling to work on it, just go. Not your responsibility to fix.
@@seapeajones I would understand it as “accommodate “ and support his/her wants and needs at all times. Accommodate when they want closeness, accommodate when they don’t. The constant dance to just tend to what they want at the moment at the expense of your own desires. Because of that Relationships are on their terms basically as if you push too much in either direction they run. That’s my experience at least and that’s why I see them as “needy”. It’s like they keep you hostage of their wishes without even knowing it.
@@seapeajones they have no conscious awareness of their support needs but they have quite high support needs. If asked they'd say they have none.
If asked "is there anything I can do to help?" They'll appreciate it but then reply something like "no I got myself into this mess I gotta clean it up" and mean it. But then what they actually require from you support wise is to accept absolutely no effort from them for the foreseeable future. No connection at all... Because they refuse to seek or accept direct consensual support for the things going on in their life. They instead force everyone into whatever roles they need to play while the DA hunkers down into a space that's tragically self involved while somehow also operating with zero self awareness in order to detach from the stress. And tbh a lot of people don't consent to that and that's when the DA loses people and it reinforces that whole "I'm not enough" wound.
It's a covert cycle but it's there.
I feel very resentful towards my DA partner. It's like nothing is gonna hurt them. Nothing will ever make them feel as hurt and frustrated as they make other people feel.
That’s exactly right!
It does hurt them however they're able simply stuff it down, only continuing the cycle making them more hardened.
You know what, S? My dismissive person just didn't even seem to realize that he had done anything to provoke his bad behavior. In fact, it wasn't until a third party pointed out how dead wrong he had been in his treatment of me that he contacted me after so many months, came to my house and faced me with a boat-load of apologies. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. Three weeks later, he was back to not talking to me because I stated that he needed to not travel during this holiday season because of his age, his pre-existing condition and because of how it might endanger the older members of his family that he'd be going to far to visit; two different states and both of them hot spots for covid 19. I said and made and made it clear that I would be devastated if something happened to him that could have been prevented and when I saw it going the wrong way, I apologized, took the high road and told him to 'hey, have a great trip!' He still managed to hold on to that as if I'd done something to purposely hurt him.
@@sherrymshephard-massat5929 h
Ugh yeah..I know how you're feeling. I have been stuck at the "evaluate if the relationship is worth staying in part". I don't wanna leave him. So the cycle continues. I am trying to work on my own issues in the mean time until I change my mind :/
@@user-qv5vt7gy7r You know what, S? I had to look at it this way: I just do not have the time or the energy or the patience to treat him with kid gloves anymore. I understand what his relationship with his mother did to devastate him so I'm not angry. I'm just sad for him and I'll tell you why. I've travelled the world. I'm a poor kid who took some lemons and got educated, have met all kinds of interesting people, did everything my life that I wanted to; some things beyond my fondest dreams came true for me. Him? He's never travelled very far, had a job he retired from that he hated, never been married, no kids. Being his mama's boy robbed him of his entire life. I'm sad for him because of all the things he missed out on being the way he is. The wife he could have had. The kids, the grand-kids wrapped around his shoulders and his legs on holidays. He's missed out on all of that while I've got two of the best kids in the world, have experienced all that great stuff and then some. I'm not angry with him. I feel so very sorry that at the end of the day, he has not much more than his meaness, his insecurities, his cruel manner and he doesn't have sense enough to know what a gift it is to have a wonderful woman like me in his life. But hey! I still look good so I'm not gonna spend 2021 waitin' on this fool. What about YOU, girl?
Two months ago me and my DA reconciled and things were great up until recently. I low key regret giving it another chance. We talk when he’s ready to talk, he answers questions when he’s ready to answer questions, we take breaks of silence when he wants to be silence, we fix problem when he’s ready to fix a problem, we have sex when he wants to have sex, we plan when he’s ready to start planning. Ik i have so much to work on personally to enhance my relationships , being with a DA seems to have stunt my growth and my love. Regardless of how much I love him, Being with him has became exhausting and hard . Everytime I’m ready to throw in the towel n allow the space between us to be there he randomly decides to be in a better mood towards me. I’m tired
Similar here. After I went no contact for 11 months she's back. I've made it clear I wont settle for just friends and if it goes back to the default, I'm gone. Either we work on things and move forward or not. You're right being caught in that hot cold cycle is exhausting.
@@theguy4615 how’s that working out for you guys so far? Are you happy?
@@asiah797 I enjoy spending time with her, but it's gone back to when she's lonely or doesn't have anything else going on. While friends meet women and move in together or get married, I'm in this relationship that goes nowhere. Is it better than nothing? I don't know, I'm kind of just indifferent to it, which isn't good. So not sure what I'm going to do, at some point I'll probably end it for good. How are you doing?
@@theguy4615 sounds like a good idea. Individual therapy and couples therapy helped me a lot. Maybe you guys should try that. Me and my DA broke up. I think about him everyday but I am at peace when I sleep and wake-up not constantly anxious & worrying about why they’re upset, if they’re gonna up and leave , over explaining myself , etc. I’m in no contact. he indirectly reached out once and for the first time I didn’t feel the need to respond or chase .
@@asiah797 sorry to hear that. I think partners of DA's need to find out why we tolerate being treated like that and find healthier partners going forward.
Everything is criticism to a dismissive. Till they're ready to accept their position and responsibilities in the relationship fighting a losing battle
I don't see how this is different to that of a narc. It just seems like the dismissive avoidant gets away with having a bad attitude because they don't receive criticism well,and can't be disappointed etc. Its not realistic. I can in the most diplomatic way share my concerns and then they just become the victims. Do my feelings not count? Dismissive Avoidants come off as people who only matter and rest of us are just out to get them which isn't true. Its unhealthy for me to tiptoe around the Avoidant because they can't handle stuff like a grown up.
I totally understand your frustration.
It very different from a narc a narc needs a life source to feed off energy vampires who view themselves in a positive light and doesn’t have the empathy for another person a DA views themselves in a negative light and do have empathy for others a DA is able to self sooth they don’t need another person they will do anything for their partner and meet their needs a narc will not and has no desire to do so however u need to be clear about ur needs to a DA in order for them to be able to give it to u basically have to teach them because they don’t know how it’s important to not come from a place of shaming them for not knowing how to meet needs if they are criticised they will deactivate they already feel that they are not good enough or deficient in someway criticising them is enforcing that feeling to them u don’t have to tiptoe around them u just need to come from a place of understanding knowing that they are not trying to be mean people they are scared of closeness because to them being vulnerable means that they will experience pain it comes from emotional neglect in childhood u can’t expect someone to know how to be loving and connected if they haven’t experienced it ur feelings do count absolutely and a DA partner will care about ur emotions a narc won’t just don’t shame them for not knowing how to be present or they back away 🤷🏻♀️
This is so true
Georgina Dautovic
There is such a fine line between DA and Narcissistic
Cluster B personality disorder
Important Clear distinctions need to be defined for clarification
So if I understand what you’re saying correctly, it’s about HOW to clearly communicate your needs to a DA in a way that doesn’t shame/blame them.
DA have a willingness to meet your needs. Thank you for clarifying 😅 I think I see the distinction now.
So my understanding is that DA want to step up and meet
Your needs as opposed to
“ Narcissistics “ who are not interested in meeting your needs regardless of communication. They adamantly and defiantly
refuse to meet your needs
and will Push Back by blaming /shaming you for asking to have your needs met, in a negative, unhealthy, toxic retaliatory behaviour and language.
They are incredibly judgmental negative and childish people who are so selfish! Karma will hit them in the eye one day for being so closed minded don’t waste your time with overly sensitive people that lack the ability to communicate their needs and shame you for having needs… screw that! I was told I was emotional like it’s a bad thing by my ex he can cry me a river now!
Remind me what’s the point of being in a relationship with a DA? Sounds like a full time job.
A full time job payed with experiencing Hell on earth.
Healthy person: breathes
DA: *I don't tolerate disrespect*
🤣🤣 that’s great
thank you for this. First time I could laugh.
Omg I screamed so hard. These comments on these videos make no contact so much easier for me 😅😅
@@Vibingwithcats00 🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
Thank you for this video. Sometimes I think people may be a little too harsh with Dismissive Avoidants. They can’t help how their core wounds were developed, and they long to be loved just like everyone else. If you deeply love someone, you love them with patience and compassion. Yes, it hurts sometimes but if you can see the tragic soul that needs the love you offer but doesn’t know how to receive it, I think it is worth hanging in there. Loving a Dismissive Avoidant is not for the faint of heart that’s for sure. Thanks again.
If you have loved a DA, then you know that kind of pain 💯
Especially, when they get mad and leave you, then block you,
While living together.
Yes, but they need to heal themselves….most won’t
Love yourself more
So true DA is not for everyone
In love with a DA as an AP and I can say that she can be (or come across as) cold as ice! But, reading and watching stuff on DA's I think I can appreciate the small gestures as meaning more than they would from a non DA. And she can be loving, supportive, empathetic and I can see the vulnerability being masqueraded as a tough shell. But the chase is addictive. Those moments of warmth in the sea of 'dismissive' feel like a sweet reward after the chase. But the long periods of dismissal in between are miserable. I love her though, and I love her for what and who she is.
The only way to have a healthy relationship with a Dismissive, is to have an even healthier relationship with yourself and LEAVE!!!! Get out of there and work on aligning with a more secure partner!
Fricken truth
The word Dismissive
speaks volumes
Seems like it makes no sense for them to even enter into a relationship, if everything appears to have to be perfect for them or they will deactivate. While their partner suffers and have to do without any support.
Memo to DA:
Please do us all a favor and Stay SIngle!
They may stay single, meaning not marrying, but they will have relationship after relationship.......remember, they have needs too
@@almy75 yes a need to work on themselves...
Single without dating 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Just a reminder we’re people too and we’re trying to sort our problems out just like everyone else. Comments like that don’t help anyone. You’re only making it worse when you say those things.
@@Leviajohnson Go to therapy. Stop looking for more sympathy when you’re incapable of showing any. Get a taste of your own medicine.
As hurt as I was in my last relationship, the blessing comes from the breaking because I never knew these were patterns that I can now avoid in the future. It has taught so much on how healthy my boundaries are and not to settle for someone that can not make healthy boundaries themself.
It's all about him and his needs but never about my needs or what I want no support for me
Hello! I am a DA myself and I was looking videos like this because I was curious on why I act certain way with people or relationships, thanks for this educational video!
Thank you. Took me a while to realise I needed to find the duration of silence as meaningful as the words between.
Very helpful advice, especially about them having so much trouble filling their own emotional needs and needing others for that.
Sounds absolutely miserable. Why would you want to be with someone like this and have to only think of them and tip toe ...no thankyou
"It's ok to ask for your needs" in a relationship with an avoidant this is a big no no. A relationship with avoidants is a "non-relationship".
Dismiss the Avoidant! 😂
🤣🤣🤦🏾♂️
😂
Good one😁
Lol
🤣
Relationship is two sides I am not born to make another person happy and forget all about me
I totally agree
I never encountered a DA until post divorce. Awful! Finally let my walls down and he did a 180 on me. Of course being that I never knew what this was...I lashed out. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde = DAs. The worst part is falling in love w who they are the first few months.
I have a video talking about the first 90 days with a DA
Dismissive Avoidant: The 90 day rule with a dismissive avoidant
th-cam.com/video/p4WxZFFQcSo/w-d-xo.html
Loving the content on the DA!!!
Thanks bro!
Coach, this is all sound advice but correct me if I’m wrong, nothing you do matters because they will always want to end things then hook up with someone else. I was pretty much a perfect partner (learned from being in longer term relations with either a BPD or avoidant) but even if you’re an angel and all their friends love you, the AD will just come up with whatever reason to rationalize them walking away. Ultimately these relationships are just doomed. Am I not right?
YES. If they are not willing to change, then they don’t deserve someone who is willing to do the work or try for their benefit. It’s fucked up, it really is. Loved my girlfriend every day for 4 years. Everything was on her terms though. EVERYTHING.
And I felt we made progress for myself and her around the 2 year mark but she slumped back into her DA ways. slowly I resented her and became distant and cold towards her and it made me unhappy. Because I loved her so much and couldn’t bring myself to meet leave because there was so much good in other areas. Slumped into depression off and on and she couldn’t understand why and I stopped meeting her emotional needs at the expense of my needs. She didn’t have the emotional intelligence to do so and didn’t care either way. It really hurt and before I did my research and found out about attachment styles I realized what a scared girl she is and I wish I could of made her happy, but self love, self help and self understanding are THE most important things in a relationship. And if they want that from you but cannot, refuse or are incapable of giving you those things.
WALK AWAY. I should’ve had the self love and respect to walk away a year ago.
Because she moved on like nothing 2 weeks after our 4 year long “soul mate” “you’re my person” “I’ll never be with someone else, only you” relationship and I’m the one that’s broken and devastated.
DA’s only want the good and easy. They don’t want to change themselves or environment, they only want others to change and people or things in their environment to change, not themselves.
It’s a hard truth especially when you felt so genuine and truthful to your own feelings and that those feelings were mutual.
It’s a hard truth of life that sometimes you need to walk away with your dignity and self respect, even though you have strong feelings for another person. It has nothing to do with them and everything with you.
@@schylerjohnson9216
Reading your post describes blatant NPD tendencies ...
especially the not caring over time, 2 years is an investment devoid of empathy which is a big red flag 🚩
I can really empathize with you, my friend. You stated it well.....glad you moved on. Life is short, and you cannot change someone who is not willing to self-respect and show up in a relationship!
@@schylerjohnson9216 good for you for walking away find a healthy partner now that can value you for you!
@@phoenixrising8007 what’s npd
Once I asked my ex what he loved more about me and te said right off the bat - your consistency. Yup, always kept my word and was always supportive. Currently in NC and very much hoping we can continue to evolve together. I'm AP and am being "forced" to step up my game. Praying for us to have a new chance. 💕
I’m praying for that too! 🙏🏾
I am an AP involved with a Scorpio DA. I am trying very hard to detach myself from this relationship.
We can't save them from themselves. This is a game that we will never win. Your physical and mental health will suffer possibly irreparable damage if you don't detach!
@@jenniferfrost7713 Agreed...been married to a DA for 21 years. I'm exhausted and making a change.
Any updates ??
Any update?
I left my DA, means I have my life back🙏
All the things they want and don't want are the things they don't do and do to their partners.
Yes, they provoke the mistrust by mistrusting. They make it happen.
Self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve literally said these exact words to my ex DA partner.
So true!!!
💯
I'm so thankful that I've found this channel. A lot of confusion is clearing up for me. Now I feel so much more prepared to tackle these issues. I'm starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel. 😊
🙏🏾
How to date DA- DON‘T!!!
Thats all you need to know
Too late. Wish I saw this earlier.
Exactly. If you want a healthy relationship, don't bother if they're not working on their issues.
These ppl are so beyond high maintenance while self-identifying as lowest of low maintenance… walking on eggshells city. 🎯
Play by play this is how it went. And i blew it by trying to discuss things.
Wow
Good balanced perspective of a dismissive avoidant.
Thank you!
This was a very well thought and presented video. I like your objective and non-judgemental take on DAs and how to engage with them.
🙏🏾 thank you.
You can not criticize them, right,...but they can for sure criticize you! Not good! Coach sent you a "one" paragraph message at your site, 1 month ago...no response
mos2 I’m sorry. Some emails get caught up in the wash. I’ll see if I can find it.
This is text book of how my beloved was/ is. It’s a shame I didn’t find these videos when I was with him. Might have helped, might not have helped. But at least I would have understood better of what was going on. I loved him.
The story of my life with the DA. He ubtilatly deactivated and we parted ways.
Thank You, Coach Court!
Thank you for watching Maria!
Hey Coach!
My DA and I had thing that lasted about 8 months. In the end, he broke it off when it got too real... I was confused and distraught, and this brought out the worst in me. I did NOT have a great reaction.... INdeed, I got angry for the first time, and threw a few choice words at him. I felt that his behavior was unbelievably cold and cruel.
Fast forward a month and I become aware of the fact that he, by all accounts, fits the classic description of a dismissive-avoidant. I am not a diagnostician, but, its pretty uncanny. Suddenly I was overcome with sympathy and a resurgence of warm feelings. I felt so guilty for having pressured him and for all of my clingy behavior... So, I sent him an apology text, that was long (I know, not the best thing) but heartfelt. No answer from him, which is totally fine. I doubt I will speak to him again for a while, so he can revisit the text and chew on it if he feels bored or curious at some point.
I know he is relieved and likely not thinking about me. I know he is probably having fun with the ladies (hes a handsome fella). I don't care about that, as long as he is doing what he needs to do. I want him to feel supported and free to do his thing. I love him dearly.
Maybe we will only be friends, which would be cool, but what do you think the chances are of us rekindling a romance? Any advice? Should I reach out sooner rather than later? (It has been 7 weeks since we last interacted, 2 weeks since I sent the apology ESSAY).
Thanks in advance, Coach! Your videos are great. :) (PS: I am usually a secure attachment, but this guy brought out the most raving, anxious version of me, so that is probably how he sees me).
What happened? I think let him go if he comes by then he need to explain
Curious... Did you get back together?
UPDATE!!!
I'm back with amazing news, and I'm so happy I can share it with people who have struggled with a dismissive avoidant partner. (Thank you to those who have tried to light me up for an update, and I'm sorry I didn't receive the first two comment alerts.)
Short story, HE CAME BACK!! RIGHT AFTER NEW YEARS, THIS YEAR!!! 🤗😁🌞🌞❤️.
It's been a really long time since I posted my video comment. Like, almost 2 years. My guy ended up moving 2,000 miles away. The day before he left, I sent him a series of very sweet texts saying how much I'm going to miss him, and how I was super happy for him, and how I would send him jokes and drink recipes, and maybe even come visit him sooon... ya he didn't like that. I was being kind, but what he felt he needed was for me to just let him move forward without having to think about me. (I need to mention here that while we were seeing one another, he claims to have felt that we were in love but that he had trouble trusting me and felt like things would fall apart eventually because he wasn't ready or something. It also needs to be said that he never mentioned being in love with me and never tried to verbally communicate any issues surrounding trust issues or doubts about our connection. His face, his demeanor, his words.... They were devoid of any tells that might give me an inkling as to WHAT in the ninth level of hell he felt for me. Like, nothing. And believe me that I obsessed (in my own head, I never really shared my feelings with others, which I believe worked to my benefit... Avoidants don't seem to be attracted to people who spend their time reviewing and closely tracking their actions/behaviors. After he moved, I would amuse myself with the baffling realization that I wouldn't have been surprised to find out he had never cared about me at all. Nor would I have been surprised to discover that he had been in love with me but had been unable to process it in a healthy way. Like, the two stories were completely equally possible. In the past, before I met him, I had always at least been able to sense whether most people liked me or disliked me, even when they didn't really have an opinion. NOT SO WITH MY AVOIDANT. He gave nothing away. It sucked. If you are dealing with that and find that your avoidant becomes an empty space (disappears, goes dark, or exhibits a confusing lack of concern for how you are) know that in all likelihood he is probably NOT EXPERIENCING ANY EMOTION AT ALL. At least in that moment. Whereas most people have some version of a feeling or otherwise react in some way to intense moments as the moments are occuring, avoidants do the opposite. They feel nothing. They don't dislike you. They don't like you. They don't care. But they also don't not care? They aren't neutral per se... But they aren't totally unneutral...?. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. It is the purest form of mind-f**k. They can't help it. Not unless they work on it.
That's part 1 of my shocking, starcrossed reunion story, tune in later for part 2. Il have time in a few days.
In the meantime, don't call them or text them. If u have to wrap your hands in packing tape or give your best friend ur cellphone, do it. Not forever, just until I finish my update. Couple days. Seriously, don't contact them for a couple days; an avoidant will not forget u exist when u stay out of their headspace for a little time. It's hard to comprehend, but that peaceful place in their minds, where they are not thinking about you or the relationship AT ALL... thats the mysterious magical place where they actually fall in love. let them do their weird avoidant thing. Surprise them with your total lack of needing them to do anything for u. By the way, a week of no contact is even better than a couple days. Time passes suuuuuper slowly in DA land.
Be back soon for more on what happened.
@@chloesellers1341 Hi thanks for your update! Do you have social media? Would love to connect so I can know in detail what the heck goes through a DAs mind since you’ve been through the storm.
@@chloesellers1341 I’m on week 4 of no contact. He reached out twice and I gave non-engaging answers because I got the impression he only wants friends with benefits. Since his reach outs and me shutting down the conversation, he deactivated. Some channels say to be consistent in their lives to build their trust, others say to leave them alone and let them come to you. So confusing!
And the Anxious and the Dismissive nearly always end up together.....
Very true
@@IamCoachCourt Both personality types get their "fix" from each other....the AP chases without ever getting what they want, the DA always gets what they want from the AP except when the AP gets too "clingy" searching for fix as the DA pulls back.....such a viscous cycle.
Opposites attract, I guess.
You again?! I like your style & message. Subscribed!!
I liked the video very much, very straight to the point. But are we sure deactivating means reconsidering the relationship? Isn't just the attachment taking action to chill out the fears and overwhelming state ? If you give them space, they come back like nothing happened, because they suppress the feeling, not fix, suppress.
Lots of great content on DA’s
Thank it Daisy!
Thank you Coach Court for your insight.I have been in relationship with DA for three years and his inability to commit me drove me insane but I always knew he had feelings so I wasnt able to leave him.I think I am the anxious one and I lashed out at him and then he texted me it's all over, your requirements are different so I wont be able to commit . I called him hundred times and he dint receive even once.I was heartbroken.I wasnt aware of attachment theory then and now after 4 months of NC , I came across your video that really helped me to gain some perspective.I had hope that he would return but now I am not sure should I wait or move on?
Depends on how far away you pushed him. You’re going to have to regain his trust emotionally again. If you decide to reach out try not to put little pressure on him
Nice content but who In the world got time for this type of attachment and I have a secure attachment I will not put up with this the of high sensitive person that you have to walk on 🥚 shells around them , no thanks.
🤣🤣
You don't need to walk on eggshells. You just need to look after your own eggs and know how much you are willing to give and how willing you are to value who they are, not what their use for you is. It's a communication strategy, not a character flaw.
@@notmyrealpseudonym6702 I did that for 18 years and then he cheated.
I think I’ve been able to have a good relationship with my DA because I’m not that anxious. If I calmly tell him I was hurt by something, saying “I felt” and follow up saying I’m trying to understand him, he will accept it after initial raised eyebrows and some reluctance. Early on I said I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship and he asked if we could talk. We did and he listened.
Very helpful. Thank you
Thank you very clear and consise appreciate you 🙏🏾💜
@1:32 well why do they bail on people aka stand people up a lot?
Thank you for all of your information! It's helping me understand my partner.
🙌🏾
Very informative! I think I may be a dismissive avoidant. Thank you
Gonna be sending that e-mail soon... :D It's like you know me. HAHAHAH!
Okay!!
THANK YOU! F%$#, YES! I wish my avoidant ex could hear this... damn...
What is the difference between a dismissive and a narcissit?
Same for me. Very selfish
Coach Court, hey would a DA reach out to an ex in different ways. I feel my ex is a DA. We been broke up for a month n a half. Lately I've been getting restricted calls late at night like once a week. I can hear a TV on in the back round, she slept with the TV on. Any advice would help
As a DA i felt so bad reading the comments
But you know, try to see this not as a reason to give up on people but as motivation to develop and grow. Dismissive avoidance really messes people up - both the avoidant and their partner and I think it's the first step to be aware of this. While the DA usually suppresses any negative feelings and is completely fine with moving on, the ex partner is left disoriented, with eroded self-esteem, questioning reality because they were in the relationship, while the DA was in a relationship with their own fears, their partner kind of secondary and interchangeable. Which is why the ex partners are here, airing their hurt feelings. They'll spend weeks if not months questioning what they did wrong, how they could have acted and communicated to achieve a different outcome...and that's more energy spent on (past) relationships than DAs put into present relationships and their own emotional well-being. All that love and care spent on someone who is too afraid to receive it. Those comments that make you feel bad are from people who tried their hardest to make their DA partners feel supported, special and loved while the DA was looking for reasons to leave them or fantasising about the perfect partner who would give them what their actual partner was already offering. That's tragic on both sides.
Thank you so much for your comment and i want you to know that i totally understand what you’re talking about...it’s hard both ways
I'm a DA too. What people are missing is that we are supportive, caring, and loving. The problem is we know we will give it if it's being given but in most cases we don't receive it which makes us tired of trying and we just say to hell with it. We love hard and take breakups and things not working even harder. That's what so many of these people don't understand about us. We avoid the process of dating and relationships altogether because we become overwhelmed by it and it takes a lot out of us. So I know and understand how you feel.
@@alexblainelayter7703 facts...it’s been a few months since I broke up with my DA...she didn’t push me away, she shoved me. I gave her my all, made a lot of concessions but her inability to compromise one iota and/or take accountability left me hurt, angry and resentful....months later I still feel the sting and am left wondering. I now know it has nothing to do with me. There are days I feel angry towards her and others where I miss her deeply. I want to reach out and discuss things but I also now that will push her even further away which is beyond frustrating. I’m thinking I should let go and move on but I still feel deeply connected to her....what a mind fuck! I’m secure attachment but this whole experience has definitely made me a bit anxious. For the time being I’m just doing me...only time will tell I guess 🤷🏻♂️
Very well said 😊
I'm Anxious and I did all wrong!!!! With no D.A. I wish know this information 2 years ago
lol
You did nothing wrong. A Relationsshop is not a one man Show.
Even if you had done everything right, you would have met the same fate ...DA's are not meant for long term healthy relationships...thank your stars that you are out of it...there is no happy ending with a DA!
Whenever I use the "I" he says " I dont care " and not willing to give up a lil for me.
When trying to reconcile with an dismissive avoidant, who are really not even aware of what attachment styles is at all... Would it perhaps be wise to show them a video like this?
I’m gonna make a video
They should not date or marry .period
Run.
@2:28 they want support but do they consistently support people?
They don’t
@@sarahguttenbeil5411 exactly! So how can one expect support, loyalty when one does Not give?
@@Katrica670 It's one sided for sure. I've been married to a DA for 21 years and have been a special ed teacher for 26. I'm worn out and burned out.
@@anewchapter1336 oh wow how do you do it?
@@anewchapter1336 I've Only known mine for three years and am ready to throw in the towel!
Oh my gosh. I wasn’t on time and made him show up and I didn’t show .
I feel like if you don’t come from a rough background you just wouldn’t understand their traumas enough to feel why they act the way we do. None of us are perfect.
💯
Other attachment styles also come from a trauma background
@@mgn1621 most people have traumas!
@@IamCoachCourt that’s what I’m saying….it’s not just DA’s
@@mgn1621 I agree!
I asked my friend and have been asking for a year to have my need met. One night a month at least where we do something together like watch a movie. Just spend a couple of hours a month hanging out and spending quality time together, doing something we can build memories and bond around. Whenever I ask for this it triggers her to pull away and yet she does this stuff with her other friends weekly at least. It's just me she treats like this and I don't understand why the double standards for me. If I think about walking away from the friendship, she assures me that she loves me, wants me around and is willing to work at it. But then she fills her life with that much other stuff she's too busy. When I'm asking for nothing she has all the time in the world to talk, when I ask to do anything she gets dysregulated and then busy.
Oh dear !! Pity them!! Wish they would work their ass and willing to heal!
You are fantastic!
Wow, thank you!
Thank you
Vallathoru type thanne.eni engane enkilum verorale kettanam.veruthe Alla 5 year ayittund onnum work akanjat.
The DA I am involved with doesn’t want any support and pushes me away
Really useful content and advice, thank you!
Your volume is really low and you’re a bit difficult to hear clearly in a loud environment.
Sorry about, trying to improve daily! Thanks for commenting.
Please consider subscribing! 🙏🏾
Please give more insight into this: you say they don't like "nonsense" or to look after people, but what about their responsibility? If someone isn't paying the bills that need to be paid and it is affecting the relationship, the dismissive-avoidant will take something as simple as "we could save money..." or "let's stick to our plan to clear our credit card debt" as _control_ or _criticism_ when it really isn't. Even when said in everyone's best interest, in a gentle or quiet tone, how do you deal with a dismissive-avoidant who is plainly irresponsible? "Giving someone space" to mess up kids' visitstion resulting in more court appearances and welfare checks is exhausting.
TY for sharing 👍😎💥
All I hear is take take take what THEY want..when do they start GIVING??
How I view dismissive avoidance or fearful avoidance… don’t waste your time!
Hey Courtney this is a huge character issue for the DA and not so much their partner. I suggest that you provide content on how the DA can begin to recognize their problem in order to seek help, support, and heal themselves. For instance on ways in which the D A can become a better partner in their relationship(s). If DAs are listening to this content right now, it will not help them. TBH, your message is providing alot of ambiguity. Furthermore, your content will appear very one sided and justified to DAs whom are listening. I hope this is not your intent. If it is not, I hope you change the way your deliver your content. You should include both sides and not just on how what a partner needs to do to satisfy a DA.
I'll agree a how to fix vid would be great, but no DA is sitting here feeling justified. Relief, more likely. I knew something was wrong for years now, but didn't know what or how much it affected my loved ones until vids like this. It helps just to know the patterns, cuz once you catch it, you can stop, apologize, etc.
@@seapeajonesThanks for your input. I would love to find the best way to present to my spouse. I believe my spouse is a DA. You have any suggestion? How did you discover that you are a DA.
@@singingmanmd there are numerous quizzes online about attachment styles. Once you figure that out and sincerely want to change, did into more research.
In regard to your initial comment, I don't think anyone who actively wants to work on themselves should look at this video in that light. When I search my FA attachment style, it makes me cringe at the thought of how people need to constantly drain themselves sometimes to deal with me. So I work on the "criticism" and try to change my subconscious to a more secured way of thinking.
Coach...I like your channel and content but this time I have to say that the way you describe DA is as if we all have to watch or p's and q's and walk on eggshells for them .we can't criticize them, but they can criticize us. We have to cater to their delicate personalities, but they can abuse us emotionally etc. etc.
Relationship is a two-way street and if we put them on a pedistal, we will surely suffer. We always have to be worried that if we say the wrong thing or the pitch of our voice is not to their liking then they will de-activate.
Who the hell can live with someone like this? Not me anymore. I have been through it.....and it is no picnic!
You're exactly right. Lol. That's how they are. They don't and won't receive criticism very well and expressions of feelings are judgements to them because they express in their love language. It's not worth it to be with a DA in my perspective. I always tried to be loving and supporting to mine and always expressed my needs. But expressing my needs was always met with me being abandoned or told "that's just me". If they don't work on themselves it's a waste of time. Emotional damage.
I asked Jesus to show me a new youtube couch that can walk the walk and talk the talk. The last couch I watched for a few years and learned everything I could from them. This is who Jesus sent me next
Wow. I’m so humbled. Thanks for subscribing and being here. 🙏🏾
The bottom line is that the ONLY person capable of attaching to a DA is a healthy person with a secure attachment style. So fix yourself first, become secure and tolerant of the needs of someone who has been traumatized in childhood.
Nah they trigger people, many ppl were secure ones before they met one dismissive avoidant
I was very secure when I met my DA and by the end I was an anxious mess.
A secure person will not accept crumbs of a relationship... So the secure might try for a bit but then leaves when he/she realises it's just a waste of time..
OMG! This perfectly describes me! 😳, but I didn’t know I was a dismissive avoidant 😭 Any tips for us? 🥲