Victim of Narcissist: Move On!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ส.ค. 2011
- Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq...
To preserve one's mental health -- one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on.
Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept painful reality. Such acceptance is a volcanic, shattering, agonising series of nibbling thoughts and strong resistances. Once the battle is won, and harsh and agonizing realities are assimilated, one can move on to the learning phase.
Learning
We label. We educate ourselves. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights.
Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, knowledge, support and confidence, we face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises those who do not mourn -- but fight; do not grieve -- but replenish their self-esteem; do not hide -- but seek; do not freeze -- but move on.
Grieving
Having been betrayed and abused -- we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser -- the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again -- and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?
The emotional process of grieving has many phases.
At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then -- some of us -- learn to forgive and to pity. And this is called healing.
All stages are absolutely necessary and good for you. It is bad not to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally bad to get fixated on our rage. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means.
By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimising him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-experience.
(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the...)
I tried to be his friend and it completely backfired on me. Never ever stay friends with a narcissist.
same. But at least he was somewhat aware of it and warned me and until much later he started showing these signs :/ so it didnt hit me twice as hard as it could have.
Z. same here. never again will I try to be his friend. not worth it
They don't have any friends.
Narcissists have no friends www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal85.html
@@fernandobernardo6324 it seems like he is very social and has lots of friends
no one knows these kind of complicated personalities till its to late. To bad this isn't taught to us in high school.
So so true!
My moms the narcissist...try growing up with someone you can never please or understand who abuses you and ruins your life regularly
High Schools are supposed to prepare you for the "work world." They do NOT prepare you for the real world !
@@Ston247 yes, unfortunately it now seems everything falls on schools to teach! At some stage we've lost the safety and protection of parents, family, extended family and community for the life lessons, it's also unfortunate that it's there that these issues are also hiding.
At least now caring parents to be have so much information at hand, they also have too much negative influences in their faces too, it makes you think just where is the answer?
@@Ston247 You got it! Its the parents responsibility to teach their kids. How to have character and standards.
"..and what he seeks, is the pleasure of your destruction."
Soo true
Wow. If Sam Vaknin is saying no one should HAVE to be with someone like this. Take that advice!
"Once you realize that your partner is mentally ill and is dragging you down with him, you can move on." This statement depicts the exact reality of what it is to finally have the strength to leave an abusive relationship. The mood swings, the fights, the demeaning words, all of it, you just have to exit and educate yourself, and understand why you endured such needless drama. Thank you Sam. Your videos explain and clarify the madness.
It also helps explain why we look for answers unlike normal relationships...it’s the knowing that this person is not mentally stable, nor are you imagining things or that you could change their behaviour by changing yourself etc...
This is exactly what happened to me. Idk how it clicked but as soon as I realized for real that this is something that can not be changed and understood the magnitude of the disorder it was much easier to block him.
He is describing what was going on with my ex-wife. I finally intuitively understood that no amount of communication will help. The same game would only continue ad infinitum, so I cut off her completely. Unfortunately no other option. It was so hard and I've mourned and still been depressed for years but it's much better now since I've become quite indiffrent and because I didn't visibly react (give supply) she doesn't (actively) stalk and harass me anymore.
Hello
What is the answer when they don't accept your resignation? When they are violent and unpredictable?
The law does not acknowledge narcissistic abuse. It is too hard to prove.
Makes the exit absolutely futile, but very hard to accomplish.
I haven't lost the trust and love for others. I haven't lost my smile.
A narcissist tries to steal your smile. Don't let them. :)
That has been coming up for me....drilling down I started hearing myself say if you would just not smile you might be safer. Thank you for posting.
me too. but it took almost a year for me to land on my feet. now, i can smile again, even laugh. but i will never be the same person again. that naivety seems to have died
@DollJewel me too!
No offense ... but ... I'll just leave it at that ...
I lost mine and it destroyed me and my confidence
No contact is the only affective way to heal ❤️
That last line is important to remember as, the narcissist will only be happy as long as you're worse off than they are as, any success you may have will be perceived as a threat by them.
Thanks for pointing that out.
So, so, so true!!!!
Social Media Meham now I understand why each time I got a good job my narc wife hated me. At last when I decided to go back to school to change career, the move ended our 12 years marriage. This healing process has been enlightening.
The narc I knew was a friend who would tip heavy, not because he could afford a large tip for a taxi or at a restaurant but, because he liked the ego stroking doing so gave him. This friend also fancied himself as writer, but similar to another friend who lacked confidence as an artist and would be intimidated by the better work of other artists. Unlike this second friend who actually has some talent, the first friend had such poor grammar that; he struggled to write in complete sentences. I'm not just talking poor use of punctuation which I am guilty of myself, I'm talking being hard to read and understand due to how fragmented they were on top of poor use of punctuation.
This friend similarly to the second one wouldn't compare his writing to that of others, and try to use such work to inspire him to do better, no he simply refereed to his own work. Unlike my friend who is the artist, this guy would puff out his chest and have a look of unearned pride-fullness when he would speak of telling others how he was a writer. He liked the notoriety that comes with the title writer, but he isn't willing to do such things as, join a poetry society, a story writing group, etc. The artist hasn't progressed with his craft much, but he has at least been in a publication, and you can see he has skill when you look at his work.
The friend who fancies himself as a writer would often as "how does this sound as an opening line for a story or poem, only to use some line full of unwarranted and or unneeded bravado. He wouldn't listen when I told him, a story or poem is built upon a story or theme you are trying to tell, rather then through the use of inflated language that is simply used to try and impress the listener or reader. I think if he knew himself better and through that the story he wanted to tell, this friend might have the direction he needs.
Sadly, this friend has baggage from childhood and PTSD from being in the military, but refuses to really address either one, using a family history of addiction as an excuse not to take psychotropics. In the end, I got tired of being an emotional punching bag when a simple miscommunication or simple action caused him to have a temper tantrum, and like a child shut down once I tried to actually engage in communication so we might work through whatever the issue was. So, one night after such a rant on his part, I recalled an Oct 2014 Esquire Magazine article I was reading at the time called, a fool at 40 is a fool forever. I though to myself, if this person is like this at almost 50, will he have dealt with his issues by 60, or even 70. I decided then and there that, I wasn't willing to deal with such behavior into my 50's 60's and 70's; so I said our friendship was over and left. My life is now calmer without having someone have outbursts over nothing, and even though we knew each other for decades and shared many common interests, I think the ridding of that chaos from my life has been for the better.
He has even been told he has a borderline personality, and or suffers from narcissism, and has a God Complex; but I am sure he still doesn't see himself as the creator for much of the chaos in his own life. Narcs doesn't understand that, it is we ourselves that determine in large part how we respond to the events in our lives, and that by not having boundaries, and setting ourselves up to be responsible for the inability of others to manage their own lives, be it paying for the bills they always end up overdo on, or having to help them make the right decisions in life; we set ourselves up to have the chaos and stress that might cause us to lash out or behave in the other ways narcs and sociopaths do. Those of us who aren't narcs and Sociopaths need to understand the importance of boundaries and limits and why it is so important to end those relationships with individuals who can't respect us enough to not step over our boundaries and limits.
Zebede Zandale oooooijiiijooojjjoo
They come back...be ready...moved by a profit motive...be prepared and be strong....dont be fooled...love yourself enough to appreciate your growth beyond them...take the lessons and love someone else...someone worthy of you
💪❤️
Yes and be prepared to be tested once you think you have healed from narcissistic abuse. It shows up until it is pulled from the very root inside of you. Very tricky moving on, proceed slowly.
Yes yes yes
My ex (the narcissist) hated when people lied to him, all the while, being the biggest liar of all. 😕
The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man
groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4951
Yassss yassssss oh my God yasssss
So true! I am glad I am not the only one who has experienced this. It's nice to see there are others out there, though I wish more people did not have to deal with these kinds of a**holes. Mine says the same, "I HATE LIARS! Liars get people killed." meanwhile all the while LYING TO MY FACE constantly.
Same with my biological mother. She did cross examining.
Yeah exactly these is what narcissist say. They says I hate people who lies whereas they themselves believe in their own lie and are pathological liar to the core 🤣🤣🤣
"Can't you act civilized? Can't you remain friends with the narcissist?" (long pause. pitying look). "The answer is NO." lol
I choose to win. I choose to live in the light. The narc can stay in his dark world.
GOOOOOOD MOVE.
My ex narc would rage and say "I Hate that I Love you- Fuck You- YOU WIN". It's sad I put up with that disrespect and yet let it roll off my back because I also found it fascinating in someway because I don't think like that and couldn't figure out how a very well educated women with a Masters and works with doctors all day could speak like that in private. Yup, move forward again back into the light.
Me too.
I’m dumb. I left the narc and saw the advantages of leaving. Within two weeks I was looking and feeling more relaxed, felt almost no narc induced anxiety, looked younger and fresher, bloat went down, started exercising and eating healthy again, bought some plants for my house, and none of this was forced. It came naturally.
This is about my 5th time leaving him. I then contacted him and he seemed so happy to hear from me. I knew he was happy because he had one more chance to use me, not because he missed me. We went through a whole cycle within 6 days. He tried to hoover me by making grand plans to take a day trip. I told him I didn’t want to go two days later because I realized what was happening and then the descent started.
Now I’m having to go through the detox again. It took me two weeks to feel good. So now I know not to play with fire.
I really just want to move on now. I’m so sick of this ongoing drama over and over and over. I’m ready to ignore him for good and to just get on with my life.
I relate exactly to your story. Are you free now?
I am on my 9th day in recovery from not speaking to my narcissist. He has been using me for sex, popping in and out of my life whenever he feels like it, for 6 years. I have not felt this broken and worthless after the ways he has spoken to me in many, many years. I have nightmares almost every night, and it is difficult for me to fall asleep because his painful words play though my head. I just wanted you to know that I have been listening to these videos every night to help me fall asleep, and they have been the only thing that has worked. I pull them up, lower the brightness on my screen to dark, and I listen to you tell me that his sickness is not my fault every night.
So thank you.
YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS MAN USING YOU. VALUE YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF. DON'T LET A MAN USE YOU SEXUALLY AND NOT HAVE A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. THERE ARE MANY GOOD MEN. WHO WILL LOVE AND CHERISH YOU AND RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES AND NOT USE YOU. GOOD LUCK.
I can identify with what you are saying and it's been 14 years off and on, no commitment and he's now single and still NOT choosing me. I'm honestly so glad we don't have kids or marriage together. At this point I'm just trying to remain no contact. I've called the police on 2016 and that kept him away for 2 1/2 years and he came back to love bomb me again and I fell for it . Now I must start all over.
Rebecah Boynton stay strong I feel your pain
I have nightmares too every night , I went out with him for 4.5 years , I been not with him for like 10 months. I feel that I will never trust again, therapy only helps so much. Please be stronger then me Rebecah.
@@AuntyEsther I couldn't agree with you more👏👏👏 no body has the right to decide for another how long they should take to "move on" it's all subject to their individual circumstances and history, bless you. We all need to be supportive and encouraging of those going through and surviving any relationship with a narcissist. 🙏🌿🕊️
“It is legitimate not to forgive sometimes”. I agree. Thank you.
08:10 "by endlessly recreating your harrowing experiences, you unwillingly collaborate with your abuser in perpetuating his or her evil conduct. It is by moving on that you defeat your abuser, minimise him and his importance in your life. It is by loving and trusting anew, that you annul that was done to you."
It's so difficult to move on without closure or justice. I needed this
Me too.
We are so self sacrificing that it’s hard to “move on” and put ourselves first. I am still learning to put me first at least sometimes
What a warrior.
❤️.
Exactly the same with me , i always end up being the looser , unfortunately !! I want to put myself first always
Sam said it: it is a process. Don’t freeze, keep learning to move to next phase. 👍🏼
I agree it’s very hard to move on when you are so used to putting them first and worried about just them I have 2 kids they are older but I feel I’ve lost touch with them and I need to get myself back!
"What he seeks is the pleasure of your destruction ". W😳W!
I'm horrified at how many hurt and damaged people there are, like myself, on SO many comment sections under SO many videos on narcissism. The volume of people afflicted with this terrible condition is shocking, as is the seemingly growing amount of shattered people who have had to survive a relationship with them. No wonder our world is becoming a sicker place... We who have survived the automatic death sentence of life with a narcissist lose years regaining 'normality', having to claw our way back gradually as we rebuild our shattered and changed lives.
The only God I will ever allow in my life again is the one whose love saved me from this nightmare. He is the only source of healing, protection and peace...
Sam, your insights and accumulated knowledge have helped me reframe my understanding of what I lived... and what to do next....
Thank you
Wow, how incredibly accurate. is anyone still watching this in 2019?
Yup- always timely after the holidays !!
2020
Yeah, this mans confessions and help are priceless. I am still not theire but hopefully soon i will be narc free and can start my recovery...
Yep 2020. Watched this same video several years ago too!
I am and it's 2020
Something that helped me heal was to write a timeline of events that had happened from the beginning of the relationship to the end. Once I began to see the patterns with a more clear mind, I began to see that it was a never ending cycle. I didn’t see it when I was with him but my body knew. 20 months ago I left and went no contact. It was the best thing I did. Beginning to find peace
I am divorcing my narcissist. I can’t thank Sam enough for the help his videos have been in making me understand what i have been living with for the past 20 years. Everything he says is spot on. Now to rebuild my life.
Reading all these comments below really makes me understand that why some people never achieve the kind of success they have the potential for.... because someone is sucking the life out of them for YEARS on end! :(
I just divorced a narc after 20 yrs of being together. Yesterday a friend who wanted more, devalued me. He came up with a conversation out of the blue about his favorite eye color. This morphed into the story of the most beautiful woman he ever met. This person never starts a conversation outside of normal surface level things. But went into great detail of this spectacular woman. I was confused because he always tried to hint at me being this most beautiful woman and I immediately tagged him as a suspected narc. I'm attractive but no supermodel. I am well aware of exactly how attractive I am and wary of overdramatized flattery. I asked him what was the point of this convo? I asked if he ever tried to find her again because I'm sure it was possible. I would never have this woman's looks or eye color and don't care to .......... then I realized it's been about 4-6 months....the turning point for narcs. The love bombing ended and now we are onto devaluation. I sent him a note that I wish him well but I realized months ago he has no true romantic feelings, love or caring for me but rather something I give in the way of emotional support. He agreed that he doesn't even know what feelings he has for me but I was like a pacifier to him. If I was away it would be unpleasant for him and no one can replace me. So guess who is now blocked?. I realize I still have a long way to go with recovery. But I at least know how to spot a narc more quickly now and pray I will not attract these people at all in the future. Good luck to all of my empaths. These people are truly aware of the damage they are inflicting on your life. But are you? Run, don't walk away and never look back!
Thank you, Sam Vatkin for the absolute truth about these Narcissists. I am set free!
What a guy. He's a bad mannered moron. Right, like I'm going to lay in bed with a woman talking about "any other woman on Earth?" That's about as insulting as it comes.
Two years ago I thought this was harsh. It is 100% correct and a very good summation of traits that are shown.
We learn, it's hard and it's a difficult concept to wrap your head around. Sam gets the message across just the way I like it. He's a pisser, but that's OK, he's the best pisser and teacher there is.
Not harsh, just reality! Sam knows...hes a narcissist himself.
I had no idea there were people like this until I dated my ex. I've suffered emotionally and mentally even lost track of my purpose. Every time we would split she would come back into my life when I was starting to heal and then the cycle started over again. Thank god I know what's going on now so I can finally move on with my life.
Yes narcissists seek the pleasure of your destruction. Case closed.
they get madder and madder when they cannot do it. they kill themselves trying to destroy you
Sam, your website helped me even more than my therapist, way back 6-7 years ago. I lost 4 1/2 years to a N, as well as so, so much emotional capital, money, time and wasted love. She sucked the very life out of me before, one fine day, for some reason, I had had enough. "No contact" all the way. She's tried many times over the past years to scare my gf off, to no avail. Yet I have not set eyes on her once. I do believe the angels have shielded me. I do. I even took my therapist's advice and burned a personal possession of hers while saying, over and over, "Leave me alone forever." In my sleep, you see, while in bed w/ my gf late at night, I would say hurtful things, and I would have no memory of the words or of any dream that had her in it. Yet I would say things. But once I burned it (an old wrinkled camisole), I never spoke of her in my sleep again. Ty!
Jim Griffin wow so glad to hear you made it bro:) its so easy to think only men can abuse but anyone can abuse anyone and it is not ok:) good luck
I'm still stuck. Mine stole 4 years and he never even broke it off cleanly. I am tortured beyond anything else that has ever hurt me. For 3 additional years. Why do I continue to waste my time? I can't trust anymore. Good for you.
@@maricampari3970, you waste your time because you are likely to be codependent, so look it up, it will explain why you feel the way you do. Concentrate on your healing. Narcissists are not capable of love, don't waste your precious time. Take it from one who has been there. I suggest watching all or Sam's videos, get his books & check on Richard Grannon too(he is codependent) so you get both perspectives. Also, Dr Ramani has some good videos too. It is a long road to healing, no time to waste. Leave them behind, they are not worth it, their love was just mirage!
@@jurejo I know I have those issues and I've been working to try to heal it for over 12 years. I've done plenty of therapy and reading/learning to cope. The recent relationship looked to be empowering and helped coax me to stand up for myself but after I found out I was being used yet again, even after I thought I had gotten out of the pattern of codependance it happens all over again. It's hard to keep morale up when every open door opportunity to escape the behavior leads me back to the same dead end room where I woke up years ago. It's hard to explain, but I feel like life will continue to slap me in the face whether I try to overcome the disappointments or not. I've been "rising above" and "moving on" since I can remember but Im getting tired of going through the motions with no light at the end of the tunnel. Frustration.
@@maricampari3970 Yes, sadly, I know how it feels. I have this problem in my professional life, I can always spot them, but problem is that they seem to be everywhere. In private life I just distance myself. I was really amazed how quickly my gut was reacting to this new friend, sadly it was right. I am trying to make myself more financially secure so I don't have to work for these people. As for private life, no idea when I will be willing to try again. Good thing is that now I feel very grown up in terms of my expectations. Stay strong & keep going. Ella
the ending words, 'the pleasure of your destruction' should awaken anyone who is going through this.
thanks sam for these vids..
Going thru it nowwwwwwewww 8 years of pureeeee torture!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😢😭😭😭 I'm getting outttttttt for good this time but I need tonsssssssss of help!!!!!!!!! He has physically emotionally verbal etc etc abused me!!!! My father was one too abused me too allllll abuse my father did if u know what I am taking about!!!! I am 52 my life has been pureeeee helllllllllllll I'm getting out!!!!!!!!!! And he's a full blown alcoholic on the weekends he's put knives to me choked me etc etc etc when he's real drunk because of my mouth I don't take crap off of nooneeeeeeee I'm one tuffffff girl and smart!!!!!!!! I can't wait to feel free!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Idk what that feels like anymore ughhhhhhhhhhhhh but I will nnnn I can't wait!!!!!!!! I'm moving out state changing my number too!!!!!!!! They are sooooooo evilllllll
Moving on from the narcissist's damage is very difficult for the "target" as often they only realise after the event, after strange happenings and by then a certain amount of damage is done to the t argetted partner. Very tough, as you are lone, weakened and trying to figure out what had just happened, but somehow you have to find the strength and way to pick yourself up and move on, knowing that the narcissist will discard you and not ever check if you were ok.
I forgave my little narc. And I do pity her tortured soul. But greater is the need for me to stay healthy. Goodbye.
What he seeks is the pleasure of your distruction,😲😲so true
Dr. Vaknin, with your teaching sessions regarding narcissism as a guide, and employ of trauma and c-PTSD therapy, I have broken free of a 41-year debilitating abusive marital relationship. May God Bless you, sir. The journey of healing is exactly as you describe. Exactly.
After 23 years with a narcissist I have moved on. The battle to get free almost killed me, had to leave my job and lost my license.He made our eldest daughter his crutch and she has moved in with him. It's hard at times but I am loving the peace and calm in my home. Whenever thoughts of him intrude I try to replace them with some positive affirmation like "all good things are coming to me"
+Afakasi Much love to you. It's the crap in my head that made me easy fodder for the narc. It's great you are trying to change your thinking.
+cinnflowergirl thank you and all the best to you too. It's actually a roller coaster trying to recover and heal. But always better than that hell I was trapped in. Namaste
+cinnflowergirl thank you and all the best to you too. It's actually a roller coaster trying to recover and heal. But always better than that hell I was trapped in. Namaste
Namaste. It almost killed me too. I was desperate and didn't know where to go. I found a support group that helped. I realized I was acting like a love addict. I don't know if I am but looking at what I could change got me on the road to recovery.
It is the kindness that continues to suck you in. It is so hard to believe even when you feel neglected and made small and unappreciated.
100%
" The narcissist seeks the pleasure of your destruction." So in reality these people are committing a crime of kidnapping...Wow, thank you Sam Vaknin for your awesome insight.
What hurts the most is no matter how much he hurt me, I bent over backwards to make sure he was ok. He has threatened suicide for years, luring me back each time. There is nothing left inside me anymore. I'm absolutely empty. I developed Multiple Sclerosis and now I'm essentially dying very slowly. Run from these creatures. Save yourself before it's too late!
Oh God, hang in there!!
Dr. Vaknin is so absolutely right. Maybe one is in too great pain to realize this at first but if time passes, every victim will soon acknowledge this brilliant analysis. This 16 min helped more than everything else. Moving on is the most important step after abuse!
Wow; excellent. It's been at least a year and a half since my break-up w/the narc. Peace is wonderful.
It took me 33 years to finally figure out that it wasn’t all my fault. And now going on 35 years I am stuck in that angry/contempt stage. And blame too, Because my 4 children are all alcoholics or drug addicted. Thank you thank you thank you. I AM MOVING ON NOW.
Oh my gosh...I'm crying my eyes out. I think I'm almost there. I hope.
Did you get there? I'm in the "I'm almost there" stage.
Thank you so much Sam you helped save my life I had to leave my "best friend" of 5 years due to him being a gaslighting narcissist with no true self. He was a complete illusion and I felt hurt when I stopped lying to myself about his true condition. I had I nasty case of maligant optimism and I highly recommend Sam's book for helping in recovery from narcissistic abuse. STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES AND NO CONTACT!
Oh boy, wish I’d seen this video when I cut contact with my narc parents 18 months ago. It would’ve saved me a lot of guilt and anxiety over leaving them behind. I knew it was the only choice but I had no idea how painful the aftermath was going to be.
very accurate
they are stalkers also
and its hard to cut off from them and when you try to do they
try to create a group of people and turn them against you...
Exactly. My exwife stalked and spied (and probably still wants to know everything) on me and systematically and somewhat descretely turned people away from me playing the victim and telling them her projections of me being a cheater, a narcissist etc. when in reality it was completely the other way round. As a semi known person she even threatens to write an autobiography with these lies in it to destroy some more, if she can. And people would actually believe her too, normal people who think they have sufficient discernment.
This happened to me. After going no contact with my narcissist family members, I just recently figured out that they are stalking me. Before they have already turned my friends and other family members against me.
I moved to a different continent and I am trying to heal and build up a new life.
Am in 2020..watching again..corona time..
Me watching 10 years later :D
Sam, I can't thank you enough. My Father is a narcissist/sociopath and I encountered another much worse. I almost lost my life in both cases. This is very helpful information. 💗💗💗
Sam I still don't understand how my boyfriend
could idolise his ex girlfriend and run after her doing everything for 6 years
Breaking his neck too keep her happy
She was a queen bee
And how he put me into triangulation with her from day one
Treating me badly
And takeing everything he could
My heart my money my self respect my dignity
So is it that differenttypes of women serve different purposes
She was strong and didn't give him an inch
And I was weak a doormat that he walked all over
And blatantly useing me
Still in the learning phase.. moving on to grieving...
I am looking forward to forgiving, pitying and moving onto a man who I can have a relationship that I don't constantly feel like I'm not enough..
sigh... in time..
the fact that they knowingly con people into thinking they are mr or mrs “right” and destroy lives through all kinds of abuses makes this criminal in my mind.
I left my narcissist ex before he discarded me and went no contact with my narcissist mother in order to nip further damage in the bud. They're oblivious to their psychopathology so all you can do is move out and move on.
@Felicity Unfortunately, even though it was the right move for years I carried around a big burden of unhealed narcissistic abuse that wreaked havoc with my life. It is only now that I understand the implications and can begin to heal properly. Thank goodness for these video clips that explain exactly what happens when you become the unwitting victim of these types.
It feels SO good to have worked on myself and grown. My BPD ex sent this huge set of angry texts. I blocked her phones, emails, and cuddled up with the GF for a movie :) Feels good man.
That very last point/ very last statement was CHILLING ASF .
Read, learn, put up boundaries.
Thx bro you just put everything in a nutshell for me. My ex is a narcissistic psychopath and took me for a victim, then she got the biggest slap of her life.
love the smirk at nobel prize comment
Archaic Chinese is a very good comparison. And a funny one. :) On the other hand, some co-dependents tend to think of a narcissist as a kind of child in need, no matter if their rage upsets them or not. You always run to assist the child, no matter how exhausted/degraded/attacked you feel. The attack will pass, and then the child will smile again because you made it happy. And when you try to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, you really feel that something is missing. It is like always eating very spicy food, getting a stomach ulcer from it, and suddenly you are not allowed to eat spicy food any longer. Everything tastes bland. However, you suddenly realize that there are other foods than spicy foods, other tastes, other textures, etc. And you ask yourself why on earth you always had to eat such an amount of spice.
The Narcissist as Eternal Child samvak.tripod.com/journal92.html
My brain is still reeling after 25 years of marriage.
I realize the amount of time wasted on these folks...it's a process but time moves on...take my part in the dysfunction. I feel that my addiction kept this thing going much like my alcoholism. I see how my whole life has been like this from day 1. Mind alteringly truthful to me.
Wow, mind blowing! Wish I knew of your videos when I dated a Borderline woman! Would have saved me so much grief. Sam you are providing a great service with your channel. This should be taught in high-schools rather than the new degenerate sex-ed curriculum they are force feeding kids these days!
your so right Im going thru all those stages after leaving a abusive Narcissist. I left I found about this after I started researching articles to try to heal. Thats when I realize he was a Narcissist. Very abusive lits like dealing with a man child tantrums and its all about them and they have no empathy at all. You can see though they are always thinking and manipulate. They use people bigtime. Cheap people dont want to pay for anything they want u to pay and very lazy.
Thank you. I listened to this a number of months ago. just listened again and because I am at a different stage of healing I listened differently. Your departing words are brilliant. I nearly lost everything and that includes my life. The hard thing throughout this all is realising my parents have conditioned me to confirm to this behaviour. I have been successful in my career but that was never enough. My sibling is always better. It's been difficult accepting this is what it is but now it's time to be authentic without a care of not being loved as I know I am enough within. Life has turned to the most wonderful from the depths of despair. Those words move on are the answer. Focus the attention on yourself, it's not selfish after all in fact it's very healthy. Thank you.
Betty Boo, I have been in this same situation, it is a difficult situation. In my experience it is even harder when people don't seem to have any idea how traumatizing the future is for a while after the break up. I waited 3 yrs to date again and started seeing a Narc, but this time I recognized the signs and went no contact. ( He was a shy/ martyr type. No friends, I never met anyone from his family, completely different from my ex fiancee.
You are so right! This was written so well thank you
Thankyou for making this excellent video , it has helped me put things in perspective enormously , you deserve a standing ovation for your talks .
+Nick Furnish Yes me too! Bravo!
Nick Furnish some parts are pure poetry.
Nick Furnish like Nobel peace prize !!!
Exactly. This is gold. He just lifted a cloud that hung over my head for years.
My family have utterly humiliated, berated, bullied me. I have tried to stop them but they are getting worse as they age.
They are now getting other people to become aggressive with me.
Is leaving the only way out of this nightmare.
Thanks, Jim.
dabarisgod Yes it is. Leave, life is so much better.
Dear Dabarisgod,
Leaving is the only option. Save yourself & life will be so much better, I promise.
@@simpletruths5322 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿🌹
they are a giant 2 years old
Ironically my narcissist sent me links to some of your videos to let me know I was an inverted narcissist. It was another one of his many attempts to show me what was wrong with me. All the while continuously denying being a narcissist himself. But who was my narcissist? He seemed to think I was so traumatized that I was an inverted narcissist with never having had a narcissistic relationship. The convolution is hilarious now that I am free and been without contact for a while. That relationship almost killed me. I am not an inverted narcissist but was trapped by the abuse for years. I have been divorced for a little over a year and, although depleted and healing, I am happier than ever. I can even thank the narcissist now for showing me myself better than any other experience. Fighting for you life will do that. :-) Thank you for your work in helping people understand this problem better. Your words are helpful.
cinnflowergirl showing me myself better than any other experience. Well said. I feel the same. I in a weird way am thankful for the awful experience as it has shown me that I am just fine being me and not having to fix everyone. I have found me for the first time. I am complete. Still adjusting to being authentic, as it's the question how can everything be so right and me content? It can be boring but it's what I have always wanted. Never ever entertain another one of these people. My own mother is now kept at a distance. Again well said.
Great for you! I have had similar feedback from others. Well, at least if they break the cycle. I just started dating and see how much less I am willing to put up with. I have boundaries I never had (had almost no boundaries growing up) before. My radar is tuned to perfection. I love myself and like myself and would rather be by myself than get in a crappy relationship. When you don't have any skin in the game it's easy to say, "no thanks". Glad to hear you are doing so well.
Good luck in positive relationships. 😊
Great advise. Yes sooo hard to move on.
I wish I have heard this teaching along time ago.
He made me believe I was weak, naive and stupid. This is a projection of himself.
Thank you Prof. Sam. I’ve been married to my narcissistic husband for 27 years, and I’ve just been discarded and had the strength to walk away 3 weeks now. I saw the red flags through the last maybe 5 years, but was in denial. The lying, cheating, gaslighting, put down, I’m learning and getting educated..I think I’m slipping into depression, the heartbreak, is so hard to go on..The. Hardest part is that he’s able to just go on with his new supply without no remorse or anything..I’m just glad I have my parents, my 3 adult kids, and family to support me..your videos are helping I appreciate it you! I’m hoping time will heal, it’s such a lonely sad place for me to be, but I’ve got to get through it..I’m a caregiver for the last 15 years, and I’m guessing I just let it happen and was in denial, even though he was never a kind friendly person, I saw an angry, person who would just stare at me whenever I asked him questions, and shake his head without any remotes when I had a breakdown after finding out about his affair..it’s truly hard..thank you..aloha🌺 from Kona, Hawaii, Jody
what made you stay ? can i ask ? did you not think you deserved more ? or did you just get use to the treatment .. just to me , it’s like why would you stay with someone like that …
Hope you're doing well and over him after all this time. Bless
11:00 the ‘small favors’ was my entire almost 40 years of life with my Father. It REALLY is awful when the person who wrecks havoc on your soul is the one that is supposed to protect you and love you most. Sick. Stockholm Syndrome is very real. 🙁 Almost a month no contact though. Even called the police to have him stop stalking me for money and a place to live. I’ve been hospitalized over 20 times as the result of having 2 full blown Inverted Narcs as parents. I never ever thought I could be this strong, so if anyone reads this, I promise if I can do this, ANYBODY can! Thanks Dr. ✨
I wish I had learned things like these years ago.
This is so on point. I realised much later that I had been married to one. When I decided to leave him, he had the nerve to call my family to tell them that I had become psychotic. That was the only way he could explain to himself why I would possible leave him.
I was in a pull and push relationship with a person, now I feel was covert narssictic 10years. He was charming, and very loving first. He was going through a divorce at that time. Was whining about his ex wife. Which now understand why. He started always complaining that I was not good as a girlfriend was not good, but was motivating some aspects.... Which I don't understand.... And he suddenly one told that he was getting married to the girl his mother chose. And within a week married with no remorse or apologize on the contradictory told how lacked thousands things.... I don't speak to him anymore...
She would shake her head at me when I would be changing or getting out of the shower and say "what a waste" I thought nothing of it but it actually creeps me the f out now.
I know it's hard but thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet in the end.
@@hypertension-nv5di that is so mean of her 😢
@@truthmerchant1 I cannot agree more....
I get it, someone who may not be a full narcissist may ask people their opinion about, their ideas, writings, artwork, etc, not for a true opinion but for the sole purpose of having you say things that will boost their ego; and they will avoid the opinion of experienced people to avoid criticism even when it's constructive.
my husband just helped new realize my mom is a narcissist. Helps me understand why I've been so approbative, have such an easy guilt trigger. As we've our own children, we are faced with pushing her away. Still feel bad about it, and she slanders us to the rest of the family, but I'm done. I will not be abused any more, and my children will never go through that. We're not angry, feel sad for her, I will always love the woman who gave me life. We wish she could be a part of our life, but as no help has helped, and we've tried, but agree it's now time for distance.
your videos, really even the ones on Obama really struck home. how was I blind for so many years?
Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727
Gratitude Ranch i did the same thing. No contact 7 years now w my mother, and i have a 10 yr old daughter and wife. Some people just cannot respect others and they are toxic.
Thank you soooo much for your knowledge. My soon to be ex-husband is a Narcissist who is also paranoid and very vindictive. Everything you talk about I can relate to and I am using your videos as a part of my healing process.
Thanks Sam for helping me get out and stay out of a completely destructive relationship. I know far more now from watching your videos, and I understand better that there is no helping these kinds of people. They don't change and never will.
This is the deepest explanation I have ever heard!!!
Thanks I needed to hear this 3 times to drill this in my head
It’s all true !!!
Thank you! So appreciate your videos! You are doing such a service to those who are trying to deal with this.
Jesus Christ Sam, you just helped me tremendously! !! Your vids are great, but this one is stellar! !!!!! I have a 12 year old son with a narcissistic female that has emotionally cut my throat. Has many many sexual partners over our 13 year relationship and has cut me to shreds. I moved on a month ago. They will destroy you and enjoy your pain as you crumble into despair and nothingness. God bless you Dr. Vaknin:), big hug brother! Respect!
Stay strong tomsmith ! Te after affects will show up here and there, but do not let that affect you. Just make up your mind, that you'll never be the narcissistic suply again !
Just always put your son first and know, that for her it's about winning.
She is incapable of really caring about your son. Sad, but true.
I have been through sam for 8 years and I had 2 children with her which after I left her and tried to get custody of my children her narcissistic behavior of trying to be the victim has gotten my children taken away from her. And now because she painted me as a monster for leaving her neither of us can have them back. Her cousin was an abused child and believed everything my ex said so the cousin called dcf on my ex. It's such a giant mess and recovering from the years of battle from not understanding that there was no way she would stop the destructive behavior because I was only a tool for her to behave the way she did. I enabled her because I kept staying with her even with her drug abuse and permiscuity. Now I have fallen apart after the destruction my codependency has been feeding.
Christopher Nuzzo
You have to quit worrying about the kids. They have to sort this out for themselves, unfortunately. Huge sacrificers "for the children" give me the creeps. I have spoken to too many friends over the six decades of my life whose tunes changed once the kids got to be 20. And the tunes were not melodic. You should have thought about your responsibilities when you had the children. You'd find my new country shocking. You have a child here, you must support it in perpetuity. Period. This is the law.
slobomotion Im sorry but how can you sit here and tell this man to stop worrying about his children!? Then basically tell him he shouldve thought about that when he had the kids! Look, I was with a Covert Narcissist who drained me of my self esteem, confidence,my way of thinking (brainwashing) to the point that i'm still struggling with healing that it feels debilitating! Im a single mother who puts in a fake smile everyday and constantly beats myself up over all the bs this reptile put myself and my kid through. Idk if you have kids yourself, but if you did and been through this same kind of God awful abuse, I personally would never tell you to stop worrying about your kids! I dont give a damn what your laws in your country says. If you truly haven't been through our situation, then don't speak your negative thoughts on people that have been damaged by these sociopathic demons! #angerphase
Omg! It only took my daughter and me a few minutes to get ready to go to the mall.
they have been hurt and abused and deprived of love and that gives them
this painful disease of mind...i think they need love and counselling though
they are dangerous....but its difficult to make them accept
You say everything. How we loved, how we gave so much, then having to move on. You have so much respect and understanding of every moment we go through. Every emotion, you understand. It is so hard. But you are here , to help. Thank God. You are Brilliant. You change lives for the better.
I am on my first day of freedom from a two year relationship with a narcissist. It hurts so bad that he doesn't have even one spec of appreciation for me. And because of how his fake sparkling personality has all of our friends fooled, not only did I lose the relationship, the love I believed I had, I have also lost a slew of friends. I can't wait to stop feeling this way. Thank you for your videos. You have helped me realize what was going on even before the end. Thank you.
The hardest part was admitting to myself and family just how bad it had gotten. Not many people believe that this person who was 'the life of the party', 'always said the right thing in public' could be anything less behind closed doors. This is part of the isolation technique the NP uses to control you, keep you in a constant state of questioning what's right or wrong to make you feel less sure of yourself and confuse you so you can't make an exact decision. It's one big smoke screen.
Because even though you may not understand archaic chinese, if theyre hitting you, screaming at you, doing something you dont like....whilst speaking archaic chinese...you dont need to understand it to know it's not a good thing.
Robert Khattar !! Yes, ain't that the tits, though!? Love and identify strongly with his depictions of subjugation - superb visuals and writing. I think that each time I listen to it, another phrase rises and jumps in my lap - as if to say, hey! Psst! You lookin' for me? And I nod and say - yeah, I was. I didn't know it, pardon me, my brain is mush, courtesy of the daily mind fuckery from my husband.
@@nancywillis5444 absolutely love what you said oh, and the way you said it! Thank you :-)
i blocked my friend on fb now my life is better. because he is abusing me on and off relationship. now i feel awesome and happy :)
Sam Vaknin, the Dexter of narcissism?
6 years of narc abuse, now 4 months out of the relationship and I am broken. The aftermath of abusive relationships is like a city after the blitz. Understanding what happened is vital for recovery but it is also devastating realisation after devastating realisation. It's a long road ahead of me. I feel undone at the seams. I feel every emotion under the sun all day long, round and around. Devastating destruction.
GENIUS! Already ahead of his time
I came across your channel by a happy accident. It is very useful and is helping me to make sense of my feelings. I had a narcissistic mother and finally went no contact after many years of low contact because her actions were damaging my health. I did it with the help of my doctor and counselling. I’m 73 and always knew that there was something wrong with my mother but narcissism wasn’t so well identified when I was younger. 9 months ago, very much against my instincts as a healer because she was very old, I called it a day. She was more of a duty than a pleasure but one last passive aggressive message on my answerphone tipped the balance. My doctor put me on antidepressants. My mother has since died having been admitted into hospital and catching Covid19 there. I’m still in the numb stage. As the daughter of a narcissist, brought up not to understand red flags in relationships, I count myself blessed to have had a long and happy marriage to someone who cared for me. However, after my husband died, I had a friendship with someone who was a narcissist and I then realised how vulnerable I was. It’s like an area of my education was completely missed out. It does make me very worried about making new ones so I’m finding things online to educate myself in order to protect myself. Your channel has provided some valuable insights for which I thank you.
Hilda: good luck, I'm on this journey too, scary stuff....
I wish I knew about this 8 years ago
Damn! This entire video is so enlightening and profound especially the ending; it's frighteningly DEEP! Thanks for educating me. You are a gift to those who want to learn about such disorders.
I highly doubt mine would bother to watch or be intelligent enough to process the information. Above all, he fervently denies that he is sick. It's better to spend the time you would spend interacting with the monster continuing to research, process, heal, and to move on. Good luck, my friend.
At the age of 50 (after all these years of abuse and confusion) facing the fact that my mother is an extreme narcissist is a relief ( like yours, my mother is a textbook case ) but also devastating, worse than being orphaned, and leaves us with only the low contact or no contact choices, neither of which is very satisfying. I wish you the best in your journey, and hope you find plenty of self love, acceptance and self forgiveness...
Yes I will from here on out. Its a shame that people do this other people...but it may be more of a shame that people don't know about this dynamic of NPD! So glad that Sam is doing videos to expose these SNAKES!!!!
Thank you Mr Vaknin, I needed to see this so badly. I have just been decimated by a narcissist verbally. When I rejected to be their victim of NSupply, I was verbally abused and devalued. Thank you for getting me to see that living well is the best for us. Also, thank you for putting the N's evil and destructive behaviour into perspective. Thank you,Sir. Thank you.
yes! but it is so hard not to expect the narcissist to feel for us, their offspring, the same love we feel for our children. For me, this is the hardest part of having a parent with NPD - harder than all the past and present abuse is the simple lack of any kind of love, empathy, support or loyalty. Sounds like we are in the same boat.
Perfectly summed up!
I tell him he's narcissistic but denies it, he has all the traits. He's also alcoholic to self medicate. So double the abuse. I had to leave and block him, he won't let me go. Even though he has a new supply. So toxic!!!
Thank you professor Vaknin! This video is best summary and description of basic NPD behavior.
I don't forgive my narc and I hope - I never will. I can forgive what he did to me, because after so many years - I don't care, but I will never forgive what he did to our child. I am not angry, I know exactly what he wants, what he does and to a large extend - what he will do. I don't want revenge, but I will never ever again treat him as a human being. I made this mistake too many times and it was only for his amusement and a chance for abuse.