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Relationships & The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style | Romantic Relationship Advice
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ธ.ค. 2018
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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I still have a distinct memory of me bawling to my mom, feeling really hurt and misunderstood and then my mom just starts mocking me and calls me a "crybaby." I pretty much immediately stopped crying and just shutdown. I wonder how many other ways I was shutdown that way when I was much younger. Definitely all played a part in me being a DA.
Same thing happened to me with my father, he was venting out at me for no reason and when i started crying he said i was acting. This sealed my dismissive attachment style.
@@gymather3097 well its never too late too change. We can overcome our insecurities.
Vladoominator eventually i will try to change but for right now the thought of intimacy makes me sick, it might take years to overcome it actually 🤷🏻♀️
@@gymather3097 it might, but it will be worth it. Are you taking any steps now?
Vladoominator yeah a few steps, are u?
This is one of the best videos i've seen describing this...And loving an dismissive-avoidant is very painful, no matter the genuine love given she can't accept it.
Wes Fincher I wish I’d known this years ago
Could have prevented so much pain
Best video yet I agree.
Wes Fincher I never knew this was a thing now my heart is devastated. He just vanished. He was unable to believe I truly loved him and was on his team.
Bliss Isgood th-cam.com/video/agE_FVdDRfg/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/-VVYSLDL9N4/w-d-xo.html explains it
Okay so for the first time ever I started dating a DA (without knowing anything about the subject then) and it took me by surprise, we dated for almost a year and I decided to end things when I felt that this relationship was taking a toll on my self esteem and that I was the only one concerned about making things work.
So I just took the same attachment-style test twice, one time thinking of my ex (the DA) and the second time thinking of an other ex who is mostly securely attached and what I found was really insightful. My test results thinking of the DA stated that I was up on anxious and low on avoidance (basically an AA), but then the results that came from the second test stated that I was low on anxious and avoidant traits which meant I was securely attached as well (which I know I’ve always been) so the takeaway from this story is that there are people who can bring out the best of you and people who can do the opposite, choose wisely.
Very insightful, thank you
@@grandmabear2840 you’re welcome my friend
Great comment. Thank you.
@@HustleHabitthanks! I’m glad you found this helpful 🙌🏼
Your DA ex could say the same about you, that you brought out DA attachment in her........
I’m a dismissive avoidant, and I am so very fortunate to have a partner who was and is super patient and so consistent with communication and open with his feelings about me. That made me feel safe enough to be in a relationship and mutually say I love you after about 2 months. The only other time that I said I love you and entered a relationship was after 8 months of dating. So I knew I was growing and healing.
Hot damn, if I wasn’t afraid of crying, I’d be crying right now.
Until you have a severe narcissistic injury or a hard hitting reality check you’ll never wake up and heal yourself. It’s ultimately up to that person to want better for themselves.
That is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I had lost my temper and reacted to a narcissist in my class. Not knowing at the time what a narcissist was or even the fact until now of being dismissive avoidant. I hit a wall of being sick and tired of attracting these nasty behaving people and started searching for help. Thank God, this link and many others appeared out of thin air. Now it's becoming clearer and less fearful to ask for my needs and my voice to be heard and respected.
@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li I feel like your winning personality might have to do with your romantic failures as well lol
I have a friend whos 50 and still is like this
U just cant give what u dont have
The imaginative play/fantasizing is spot on 👌
Although i am an extrovert, all the DA traits were bang on - especially the irritation when confronted about emotions. I have to walk away or stop the conversation because I need to check myself before I choose what to say or how to react. My BF is on the anxious plane, so I know he needs to hear from me but I just can't express myself well in the moment. Fantasizing about the future was also something I did as a child and even through adulthood. In my head is where I feel safest. These are great bit-sized videos for coping and understanding!
Thank you for mentioning how we can be so private that it almost seems secretive. Especially if this triggers a jealous or insecure partner, it can quickly turn into a viscous cycle. (I’ve been on both sides now)
The more they perceive our actions without any explanation on our part the mind can twist insignificant events into something very ugly. This combines with the DA not outwardly validating or initiating affection & it’s usually not addressed until they explode with all these crazy accusations. This sends me running even faster.
B the Change thank you very much for your insight. It’s painful but very useful to look back on our own actions & patterns to see what part we played. Knowing about attachment styles really allows one to see themselves & the other from a different perspective, usually giving benefit of the doubt that they aren’t trying to be malicious or hurtful. These patterns were programmed by nature & nurture. Therefore, not really an excuse but more of an explanation. A reason to be more understanding & forgiving of others & ourselves! Just having the awareness feels like a new start. It may not save every relationship but it certainly lends hope to a better one going forward. I could never figure out what I was, I had many traits of all the styles it seemed. I took the test on thais’s website, lo and behold I was 51% DA & 47% FA when answering as I would 5-10 years ago. Answering as I feel today, it came up 74% SECURE so I’ll take it.! ...it takes hard work to heal this stuff but life is so much easier when you can be secure in YOURSELF then relationships. Much ✌🏼💕
OMG, I finally, FINALLY understand my ex now. I could never figure out why she did the things she did, and this explains literally everything. Just another thing that helps me heal and move on. Thank you for this!
Feel the same man, i was out here blaiming myself.
That is me 100%... I’m very aware of this and I don’t know how to deal with this, because I have my own issues vs reality proving my issues right. Let’s be real, there is always a chance of getting hurt with people. The closer they get, the worse it hurts. Even if they’re there, they might leave or disappear. And when I do try to let people in, they disappoint me. What’s the point of being vulnerable, which is disgusting, with people that are not good enough? And to have someone walk away after that? No, thanks. It’s too painful and shameful and just too much.
@C Truth It's fucking hard. I'm trying to reach an idgaf mentality when it comes to sharing my emotions, that what they are is just what they are and it's part of my being at the moment just like how my arms are or whatever... instead of repressing them or pretending to be okay. I bet I don't make sense lol.
That helped with me though... but it didn't fix the "people are a threat" idea
Maybe you're not worried about them not being good enough and deep down you're worried you're not good enough. If you felt good enough, you can deal with the idea of people leaving knowing that you're capable enough to recover and enjoy being with yourself. In order to build a true connection with a partner you have to be vulnerable and honest with each other, that lets them in.
Imagine your high school teacher assigned you to work with a person on a school project and they work by themselves and no matter how much you ask they won't tell you what they are doing, so you don't know what to do and you get an F. That is what it is like for the other attachment styles in a relationship with an avoidant. If you would just work with us, you could get an A. all you have to do is share you thoughts, opinions, needs, wants then learn ours and we could help each other, but you MUST work with us or we'll get an F
You just explained my whole existence. I’m so messed up...
Rachel K same.
Isnt the attachment styles so revealing! Same:)
Lol saaaammmme
C Truth If you were never meant to exist then you wouldn’t be existing right now. You are.
Yep same
Now, I realise why I didn't miss my father and brother after their death for 2 years until one of my friend asked do i not miss them?
I had subconsciously suppressed almost all the memories related to them. And only after my friend asked me that, I "tried" to miss them. I literally had to recall that whole tragedic event in which I lost them in order to "miss" them and cry!
And it's still same to some extent and as soon as I recall something that would make me sad, I try to distract myself and suppress it...
Punishment for feeling from abusive parents, who dismiss and starve a child emotionally. This is powerful and true. Thank you for helping me to understand my pain and pulling away, especially when I long for closeness. Deny themselves, increased vulnerability and despair. Is there something wrong with me? That is core of the pain propelling avoidance
This added a whole new context to the stories I used to make up when I was 3. I'd always see how sad I could make one of the characters.
As someone who would probably be labeled as dismissive-avoidant, I must say that the "good at self-soothing" is spot on, as well as my penchant for performing my emotional analysis/processing entirely internally. Before requesting that someone around me alter their behavior or lifestyle or make some accommodation, I first figure out the source of why I feel like something needs to change ("is this a reasonable request?" "How would I feel if the same request were made of _me_ ?"). The reason for this is because, if you just haphazardly ask that people around you change what they're doing based upon whatever you're feeling, no matter how fleeting it might be, you're pretty much guaranteeing that those around you will become resentful of having to bend over backwards to accommodate whatever mood someone/something else put you in. In other words, when you have a feeling, figure out the _cause_ (i.e. don't complain to your partner if it's your boss that made you mad), and figure out if your feelings are merited based upon accepted cultural standards (i.e. was your boss mad at you for taking a 5-minute bathroom break or were they mad because you disappeared for 5 hours?), and, only then will you know whether you need to air a grievance (and to whom... i.e. "Boss! I should be allowed to go pee, now and then!") or whether you need to adjust your idea of what is/isn't acceptable behavior ("I _am_ getting paid to actually do work, and I wouldn't appreciate it if an employee of mine just disappeared").
I cannot stress enough how I treat my analysis of negative emotions like a crash-scene investigation: What was the sequence of events which led to feeling like this? Where were the opportunities to prevent it? What were the negative outcomes (Did I yell at someone I shouldn't have? Was I kept up all night worrying about it?)? Only after the analysis is complete do investigators release the summary of their findings and assignment of fault, and only after I've thought carefully about my feelings do decide whether I need to say something to someone. I'm sure that many will view this careful, measured prevention of negative emotions to be "escapist" or "unable to cope with emotions", but I think this is nonsense. I can cope with negative emotions; I just find them unpleasant, distracting, and they should be kept to a minimum. I don't see this as _any_ different from the things we do to maximize _good_ emotions (like taking vacations, going to amusement parks, and, generally, playing). It's healthy to take steps to feel _good_ _more_ often but not healthy to take steps to feel _bad_ _less_ often?
It is perplexing to me when I interact with people who don't/can't perform this internal processing of their emotions before acting (like yelling at _me_ because someone cut them off on the freeway). In these people, I see individuals who have not yet mastered the skill of emotional analysis, and I try to point out to them how much more control they would have over their mood if they learned to take some time to figure out what causes them to feel how they do. This rarely goes well, but I have trouble embracing the alternative (which seems to be just enabling people to rashly act out upon innocent individuals whenever something makes them feel rejected/disappointed/overlooked/unappreciated).
You know what?...i totally get it now...im in a relationship with a DA, and ur explanation is spot on...i have learned/im still learning but now i understand why she moves n thinks the way she does...she has opened up alot more, we have a great relationship, i know she loves me😊....thanks for sharing
I am the same way processing emotions. I think it is fair to first think through whether my response is fair and warranted. Or if i am just overreacting before making an issue of something. Sometimes i just need a little time to think it through and i am genuinely over it. And if my anger or upset is warranted i like to think about my words before i express them.
I’m the same way and doing research on Stoicism really helped me too
thank you so much for this, I’ve always wondered why I always pull away from people who are so loving to me when I get so close. Thankyou for being so understanding and being supportive x
I have never felt my wig be snatched so hard in my life like I believe she’s in mars’ orbit by now
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I have a feeling
I knew those glorious stripes were artificial.
My god...same
I am not about to take advise from someone who was like that just 2 years ago 🤭
@@zizdidthis7059 geez lol. 🙄
My Boyfriend moved in with me, things seemed to be so good unless I asked a question or was curious about him. Then he’d get an edge to him or resentful. I couldn’t understand it. A week ago he came home from hunting camp in a different place. I tried to ask what was up, (little did I know about this dismissive avoidant personally type otherwise maybe the outcome would have been different.)
He was already caught up in his head when he arrived home. I got upset that he withholding affection from me for days for no reason. I told him I was on his team to try to get him refocused. He started saying strange things to me like he was talking to an old girlfriend or something. I couldn’t take it. I told him I wouldn’t be blamed for what other women did to him and left. When I came home he was gone. Took all of his things and left without saying goodbye or leaving a note... nothing. I was and still am quite devastated. If I only knew of his attachment style maybe it would have turned put different. I don’t know... it’s just so sad. I do love him but I think he had a hard time believing it. Not sure why he even wanted to move and be with me now.
I feel like you're telling my own story. So I'm just going to save you some time : don't try to understand him. Instead, try to fill your own life, live your own life. Maybe he was hurt or whatever, but the bottom line is : he behaved like an asshole towards you. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.
th-cam.com/video/-VVYSLDL9N4/w-d-xo.html explains it well
I doubt it’s just an attachment style likely traits of a borderline personality disorder. Normal people don’t do that th-cam.com/video/-VVYSLDL9N4/w-d-xo.html
B B th-cam.com/video/-VVYSLDL9N4/w-d-xo.html
He could have been a narcissist. They tend to cheat on you, start arguments, and play the victim. Either way I pray things get better for you in Jesus name.
This woman is the ultimate authority on u tube, explaining attachment styles in a way that is easy to understand. Shalom
I've been trying to figure out my psychology for years now and you're literally describing me in this video. Everything is starting to make so much more sense now. Thank you so much for making this video!!
Yes, I really saw myself described too and it completely made sense given my childhood experiences.
Me too! I'm so happy to figure it out. It made no damn sense to me. I'm not a bad looking guy. In high school, I dated some of the most attractive girls in high school; yet, I have rarely dated since - 25 years since! Why?! Also, I self-sabotage for apparently no reason. I realized it was psychological but almost outside of my control, as if by impulse. Up until now, I've been using those dismissive based reasons to figure myself out instead of the fact that I was dismissive in the first place. Being called stupid 100's of times a day, several times a sentience as a small child along with a lot more severe judgement, rejection, and being expected to be an adult explains it.
As I recently discovered the term attachment styles & went on a quest to identify mines & now I found it. Unfortunately this is me spot on. I am on a journey to change my attachment style if I can at this age.
I will add one thing about us being “secretive”. I have been called that by plenty. The real reason is when dealing with my narcissistic mom all of my life anything you say can & will be used against you when it is most convenient for her so I find it best to keep things to myself. It is safer that way bcuz once it’s out their you can’t control it.
I'm a maladaptive daydreamer. And honestly this whole video describes me fully, I'm so thankful and grateful to have this video to show my ex partner & speak to my therapist about. We're trying to work it out again. Hopefully. It's a start. Thank you so much!
i did the test and got equal percentage on dismissive and fearful and i have watched both videos and they hit very close to home, thank you for putting into word which i could not x
My brother is dismissive avoidant, I live with him and when we have conflict I realize that I was making it worse by the way I reacted to it, I need to validate him more, be less critical, be more open about how I see things and what I would like to see going forward.
How would you validate a DA without pushing them away?
@@Yararar simple. DA receive honest words of affirmation very well. And acts of service/help
@@vladimirsamsonov46 Good general advice, but if they don't respond to your needs or reciprocate after a while in the dating phase, then I would encourage you to move on. Don't get involved any further in their lives or you risk losing yourself entirely.
The problem in I'm aware and I'm changing, others are not. :( People who had great parents don't want anything to do with me.
You are really good at your work. Thank you for the video. I rarely watch YT videos all the way through and I was captivated. You're so good at articulating your knowledge.
Woahh I think I try to get my emotional needs met through TV characters, that's why I get so attached to TV couples. I get to feel a bit of what I'm too deathly scared to allow into my life through them. Now, what to do about this? I don't have the slightest clue.
Why did this comment make me cry like a baby?! Wow they’re are people in t he world like myself! I never could put into words that’s what I’ve been doing! Sounds silly but this really helped me understand a lot about myself!
😭😭 thisss
When I was a baby, I had a condition that made colic look like a day in the park. I would piercingly scream for hours.(I've heard that there is always a reason for a babies crying; colic is never just random) She was ashamed to take me out in public because she never knew when I was going to start screaming and crying.
She was instructed by the doctors that whenever this happens, to put me in my bed, shut the door behind her, and then turn on the radio to drown me out. If she could still hear me, then she was instructed to turn on the vacuum cleaner.
I am friendly and functional now, even though I can't seem to maintain a lasting, bonding relationship with family, friends, or with a significant other.
To this day though, my solace, my sanctuary, my place of preference is in my room doing whatever while having music playing in the background. Silence actually creeps me out.
Sorry if I overstated or triggered anyone.
Thank you for informative video! Keep them coming! 💗
I love the knowledge I have to gain from this video I just felt like at times the speed too fast for me to absorb xxx I really do appreciate your work to help us 🙏🏻
This is spot on and very helpful. Thank you!❤️
I was more than kind to my FA/DA ex. I tried to give him all the space he needed. The only time I sounded needy maybe was when he made me feel like he didn't like me at all or gave me the feeling like he wanted to leave me.
Same! I left him because me made me feel like he didn't want me in our shared space. He insisted that I was crazy and needy for coming to him for soothing or for expressing my needs to him. I ran for the hills when he proposed. I thank myself every day for not going forward with him - instincts kicked in right away!
Great content, sound and talking pace. Thanks again. :-)
Im sure my ex is a DA. I have an anxious attachment. Our relationship turned toxic before I was able to find this channel. But he wants to be friends, I wasn’t sure. However I feel pushed away because he doesn’t really initiate anything. How do I get him to learn about his attachment style, without seeming like I’m trying to fix him or give unwarranted advice. At this point the friendship is also too stressful to maintain.
I have had like 3 deep relationships in my entire life.
They’re all gone now, moved on.
If I had to describe pursuing a relationship, it would be like climbing a magic beanstalk endlessly, only to find that there’s no magical land in the sky.
I don’t know if this attachment disorder is actually what I have, but every single symptom sounds absolutely precise.
“Drive-thru friendship” sounds like a good description for what I have now. It’s all I can manage.
I wish I had known all this before.
I dated a DA for a year. She would sabotage things evey time we made a progress in a relationship. Worst was when I pointed all this to her, she would rather get involved with strangers on dating app than talk to me and work on relationship.
wow that is so much my brother, I live with him, we are watching the news, he get up and he paces up and down the room, I say whats wrong, and he says nothing.
I suspect these people get cheated on more than average. They don't give...its hard to stay loyal to that.
Finally, I know how to explain these messes in my mind and my heart. Thank you
I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 6 years which unfortunately came to a very ugly and painful end. Your explanation is consistent with a lot of behavior that was bewildering as it was frustrating! Being an anxious avoidant...I am no poster boy for good mental health my self but your videos have been exceedingly enlightening..and helping me find closure and possibly one day..."FORGIVENESS!"...THANK YOU!
Wow I learned so much about my self thanks for sharing
Very good video!! Thank you for helping! 🌹
This really helped me contextual with some things that went on in my breakup, I have a fearful avoidant attachment style and I was with someone with a dismissive attachment style. We were very close but he kept on closing himself off to me and he just couldn’t get out of it or meet my needs. Even though I felt for him and all of his struggles it just became so difficult to maintain a strong relationship, hence why I broke things off. I wanted to be there but the way he handled things gave me so much anxiety as a fearful avoidant.
Sooo... I’m in tears. This describes me to a T. I just took the quiz and I’m dismissive and fearful avoidant (both were 39%). Although I’m happy to see there’s a name for how I feel, I’m so sad because I feel broken and am realizing the large part I had in my relationship failures (romantic, platonic, and family). Maybe this is the first step to finding ways to improve though.
Incredible insight. Thanks. This does help.💚
Such a beautiful and helpful video. Thank you! You are helpin my relationship to survive 🙏
I envy the people who say their DA only takes a day or two of space. My DA hasn't talked to me since last Friday. I texted him Tuesday of this week and he responded with one short reply. Nothing since. I never know if I will ever hear from him again and my anxiety is through the roof. How much space does someone need?! I don't know what to do. 😢💔
I have experienced the DA gone for 3 weeks even 1-2 months. Coming back like nothing had happened. Inside I have broken over and over again. It will be like a vicious cycle, my case it was on and off like years. You cant change them. The only person you can save is yourself. It is there own journey and responsibility to get better. You were there and supported them long enough. If it is taking too long please Move on to save your soul.
These are not healthy relationships, no matter what the excuse is.
Sounds Iike a relationship challenge for a saint that's trying to love a caged angry lion. There's 9 billion people in the world. Find a better fit if you're not a saint otherwise you will lose your soul. Love yourself enough to know when it has been hard enough. Most people do not have the emotional intelligence to find self accountability for their giant bags of shit.
This is me, except it has nothing to do with my parents, my mother and grandmother who took care of me were very caring, but no one else was, other than this, the way I presently am as an adult, this video describes me perfectly.
same !
Excellent content!
I appreciate your time and knowledge, thank you 😘
thankyou so much for this video 💗 it helped me understand myself better
So grateful I found your videos!! 🙏
Ugh. The more you talked about this the more I felt like you were describing me 😣
I had a close guy friend who was DA. I am Anxious. He was immediately attracted to me but never acted on anything with me. I wasn't attracted to him until later in our friendship when I got feelings and I told him I liked him and his immediate response was to be mean/emotionally abusive towards me.. it was a shock and I was young and didn't know how to handle his response, it was almost narcissistic. He never tried to repair our friendship.
I am crying. Thank you for this
I hope you take it as a feedback.
Your content is most wanted, Informative and interesting however your mic/voice is so effort taking to grasp which affects the smooth and enjoyable listening.
So accurate it gives me the chills to listen to this
This is me. I’ve said a million times I don’t know how I feel. Being a man it’s even harder with this attachment because women need emotional support I can’t provide and I need emotional support they can’t provide.
Bro I relate to you 100%
Thank you for the insights
i cannot express enough how helpful this was. she described it so well and i never knew it had a name or that there was a cause for why i am the way i am. her explanations and empathy for the detachment really pushed me to find solutions and try to improve and change my perspective and stop having such a (subconsciously) defensive pessimistic mindset that would sabotage my relationships.
thank you for helping me identify the issue and take the steps to improve💖
Well done! I’m sure it’s not intentional but so wonderful that you are looking at how to navigate through this for a more happier and peaceful life 💜
How is your journey to self improvement? How is your dating life?
YOG
I can only speak for myself. I've found it takes focused awareness of other to even know what emotional availability even looks like when you grow up with 2 emotionally unavailable parents. I try to think back where I got support and comfort from. Yeah I don't remember any. Maybe my pets. There may have been an adult here and there in the form of a neighbor or extended family member and a light bulb would go off in terms of it being different than i was used to. As I got older and became more aware, I'd try and emulate bits and pieces of experiences that filled this emotional need. I am still working on myself. Mostly the trust part. Being more interdependent. Even still at times I have a challenge with trusting some people when they display too much emotional availability. (Too much as I understand it)
I guess what really clued me in to these terms of DA and CPTSD (found on another page) was as a child I was very slow to warm up and open up at social gatherings. Birthday parties. By the time I did, it was time to go home. This still continues in adulthood but not to the same degree. I am aware of it and it now it feels more like social anxiety.
Great video
But how are we supposed to know if and what we lacked when we were too young to remember? Ask our parents, who might not be truthful?
This is my husband 100% and it drains me. It’s painful. Throughout our entire relationship I’ve felt like I’m trying to earn him, and I just can’t. No matter what I do, it isn’t good enough for him.
I've isolated myself from people because I am codependent and attract narcs! Now I'm realizing a whole other issue that confirms my self isolating! In trying to understand me, I feel like I'm not liking who I am and I don't know me! I feel like I've been chasing love and to be loved my entire life and I'm tired! Absent father and toxic(possibly Narcissistic) mother and then my first adult relationship(kids father) was very similar to my mother's relationship (narcissistic and abusive) I'm tired! I've been working on me ! Im the one going to counseling! Im the one with the trust issues! Im the one who feels like I am easy prey and I cant be me because me is vulnerable and susceptible to abuse, manipulation and mistreatment! Smh I'm choosing to be single at almost 40(feb 18) and never been married but I want to be I'm just scared to death of love, relationships and people!! Sighhhhhhh
New subscriber here. I really appreciate your channel
I'm married to a DA. I had no idea there was such a thing. It's been killing me for nearly the entire time I've been married to her. A puzzle I couldn't solve. What do I do now? Do I show her this video? Does she honestly have the ability to pull me in and want to be close? We're both over 40 now and even though were both in the same house, neither of us have anyone. The difference for her though is she doesn't know any different. This is her comfort zone.
I'm sorry and I understand. Been married to a DA for 20 years. It's a hopeless wasteland and I have no idea how to make it better. I've changed and grown to become unrecognizable to who I was when we met. In the "fire" I've matured and I'm grateful for that but the pain is unbearable. Feels like someone is sitting on my throat 24/7
@@karenslack9509 ,omg he could be narcissistic
You've made it bro,I am a female dismissive avoidant,I have a habit of cheating
@@Traumatised311 habit of cheating? Bro, just don’t date
You’ll hurt a lot of people :/
You're my hero and you have such pretty eyes! Thanks for being so smart!
Thank you 🙏🏼
This is the 4th video I am watching now. Some great content, it helps me understand myself better. Really liked your reprogramming video. You seem to be a comfortable, spontaneous communicator who knows your content so well that you can just wing it, which comes across beautifully authentic. The downside of that strength is that if you lean too much on this quality, you don't prepare the presentation of your content enough so that your videos end-up being longer than needed with parts of your material being repeated.
1:47 WHOOOOOOOA the accuracy here is RIDONKULOUS
Im curious about some things. Im just coming to know these attachment styles and theory. I seem to relate deeply to the descriptive history of Dismissive Avoidant Style most, and yet also some of the examples of Fearful Avoidant. I loathe to try and explain ALL the emotional mess of my childhood. But...here, I try to explain it this way usually...mother is crazy...(BP amd other but we didnt know it then), and father aloof, emotionally cool or not very expressive. He is super religious....addicted to it in my opinion...and was not home much...was a workaholic. But when he was, he just reinforced the crazy, raging and abusive controling behaviors of my mother. And yes physical abuse at times as well. Hugs seemed perfunctory...bedtime. So even physical connection felt fake when it would appear, so unsafe. I don't recall ever being comforted by them. I'm the oldest...in charge of everything then it seemed,..and in trouble for not performing to standard all the time as well. At 7, I was not good at herding toddlers. Ultimately no safe emotional space with them my whole childhood, and even to now.
The mood swings and rages of my mother feel more like the FA history description. But i think everything else is DA. But I'm very giving. Generous and go out of my way to try and connect with people when I feel I can trust them. I come help them clean up the garage or run errands to help them out. Im not an ass. And i try to express my appreciation for friends and my sisters...woth gifts and words of gratitude and love. But I do expect someone to be clear and direct about what they want from me. I'm so tired...exhausted....from trying to guess at thinns with people i have loved deeply, and then not "get it right" and be then emotionally punished for it, and abandoned by someone angry, when I do exactly as they request of me. I feel like a punching bag for people who can't articulate their desires or needs. Can we be a mix of things? And how do I find out for sure? And then what's the next step? I'm exhausted and single too long and slow to trust but when I do...I try to be more open. Im a fan of Brene Browns work! And I'm so ready to try anything. I just need help and guidance.
What's next? Book? Classes?
Classes I suggest.
Hello Thais, you're SO spot on! Can you suggest a workbook to improve this attachment style in myself?
1:51 keypoint - having spoiled royalty as parents
I was anxious & my ex was avoidant.
but now my present bf is anxious so I became DA. I believe it depends on partners too
Anyhow these attachment styles are just too much & overwhelming sometimes
I feel so bad for my boyfriend lol poor man putting up with my withdrawal
Why do they lash out & say mean things even when you are being kind & loving??
Because they receive this with wrong emotions out of their subconscious wounds. Those come up as soon as they get criticized or even spot passive aggression.
You shouldn't take personally, what a triggered DA says.
Notes:
Dismissive-Avoidant Style + Anxious Attachment style = ❤️
12:57 there can be pains and disappointments due to emotional closeness, but it’s compensated by the potential benefits of emotional closeness
Use words of affirmation, self-validation
When you resonate with all the attachment styles.
Wow I just realized I have this, I didn’t know what was wrong with me
thank you
great video, this is si my brother
I think you got me, I know that when people get to close I feel I cannot breath, yet when I am on my own the feelings of being alone are difficult to sit with
Larry Cork same.
Idk if you or anyone can help me with this. So my ex is DA and im FA but in our relationship i was leaning super anxious. We were together for 2 years and we were friends for a year before that. During the relationship we had no clue about attachment styles. We connected very deeply when we first met and actually i was pretty closed off to love and all of that at the time but he pursued me and we fell very in love, he let me in, i let him in. We have a great connection. We both felt about eachother a way we had never felt before. Yet it was like we were speaking two very different languages. And I became very triggered the whole relationship and almost always felt like he wasnt putting in as much effort as i was, and he felt he was giving all he could and that nothing he did was enough. And i did not handle many things well at all, i brought a lot of conflict to the relationship and it probably made him shut down even more and want to put in less effort. So it was a constant cycle (and we were long distance). But of course we had those small moments where we would get to spend time together and it was amazing for the most part and we were just two best friends in love and having fun. It was not a healthy relationship due to how much we were neglecting eachothers needs unknowingly and he ended up breaking up with me. I obviously did not take it well at first. I kept trying to get him back. Pouring my heart out , i really went through it, it was horrible. So painful. and of course he was pretty shut down and said no. It took me 6 months to finally accept the break up and be okay with it (literally one month ago). Throughout those months we have attempted to be friends but i did a month of no contact so that i could detach and it helped. Rn I still feel a little anxious but i am more in tune with the dismissive side of my FA style and a few days ago he told me he was thinking of moving back to the state we met in so that we could see eachother more and that he misses me and wants to attempt to build a solid foundation to possibly get back together. I told him I needed to process that first because i can't let myself take that to heart. i spent so long trying to block that hope of being together. I still love him the same and i know he loves me. But i also am very hesitant and scared that he may just be lonely and bored or won't be able to truly work on his DA style. I know he misses me but im worried he's being too surface level about his feelings for me but the moment things get real and we have to both put in the work to be our best selves in the relationship he will realize maybe he'd rather go the easy way and move on. I know we have a connection deeper than our attachment flaws. But i also know I cant trust his feelings because i dont believe he is as attuned to them as he thinks is. What would be the best way to ask him/approach him with my thoughts without him shutting down ? I just want to understand if his desire to potentially work on getting back together is coming from a genuine and conscious place. I 100% want to make things work but i am no longer desperate to get him back like i once was. I had accepted the fact that we were not together and there is no way I am letting us sink that deep again but we both need to show up.
@@Meli-ul9zt How did it go with you two?
How do I know if he is dismissive avoidant, or a narcissist or just not into me?
B the Change which video is it?
I really empathize. I know how you feel. I think I was so patient and a saint in my relationship. It was just never enough. I became a shell of myself. I intiellt thought that my person might be DA or fearful avoidant. However, I learned later (after years of madness) that he has borderline personality disorder. They frequently have FA or DA attachment style. It’s all so blurry, but what rings true is that we have to coddle their feelings but mine felt trampled over. It was one step forward and 3 steps back. Ultimately, we cannot abandon ourselves. If your needs and wants are not getting met- you need to leave. It will be unhealthy for you to stay. Watch this video, perhaps it resonates th-cam.com/video/agE_FVdDRfg/w-d-xo.html I love her channel.
Sexual Abuse ( especially by someone close)a big factor and their core wound is shame behind that and is tied to touch and intimacy .. because as a kid there are a messed up tie to the “ good” feeling of the violation and when that same feeling is met in a healthy way it brings back the shame of what they felt then and their protection is to pull away or avoid all together.. that’s why they are “ comfortable “ with casual sex or “ situationships” because in their minds they are in control of their own bodies and do not feel the vulnerability that is found in an intimate relationship..
I’m used to being in relationships with dismissive and avoidant men. I’m the anxious one but I’m learning through therapy and through videos like yours to self soothe, self regulate, and to find other activities when my partner is avoidant. I can’t seem to last with anyone healthy, so why not fix myself and stick with an unhealthy person. This is a question to you. Currently I don’t have anyone in my life.
I understand your comment and I synpathize with it. I feel the same!
To Thais Gibson...Would like to know if you have any info on "Dismissive Avoidant" or "Relationship" translated in spanish. Compared to the few I have briefly watched, the information from your videos are very clear & understandable.
What if I follow the advice to clearly and non-pointedly ask for my needs and it is responded with blame that it’s my “fault” for feeling a certain way?
Could also be narcissism, in any case does not seem to be a healthy reply.
Almost made me tear up 💀😂
This is my husband 100% . I'm anxious attachment style (surprise, surprise) and am doing the work on myself, have been for years, but it does take two to tango. These videos are helping me to understand him and be more compassionate and I am looking forward to learning more. I do know that I can't change another person (have wasted a lot of time trying), but I hope that if I can learn to respond differently, he might not withdraw quite so much. If a person isn't willing to do the work themselves, is there any hope? I don't want to end my marriage but the pain of living like this is hard.
I'm with you. You expressed my situation word for word.
Me too I'm in the same situation
Thank you for your videos. Learning so much! Can one person be both dismissive and anxious? And are these fluid throughout ones life’s stages? Thanks. 🙏🏼
Yes, that should be a fearful avoidant
I have a fearful avoided attachment and I think my sister has the dismissive avoidant attachment. This has been a really difficult dynamic for me to deal with. We're no contact right now on my initiative
@Thais Gibson I’m really curious to know if you can show characteristics from more than one attachment type and also if you can phase in and out of the attachment types throughout your life?
My DA( ex) has a beautiful soul.. I saw that from the very beginning.. it is what separated her out for me.. albeit she was guarded at first .. and still is to everyone else..
Can you make live videos so as to answer questions that we might have?
Thais offers courses, where you can interact live with her through a chat
To the other person in the relationship it may as well be covert narcissism. This should be addressed in a triage fashion. It must be met head on, if you're a DA, or someone has called you a DA get as far away from being DA as possible. While other hurtful personality types are nefarious DA operates as if the DA is ignorant. Like that movie "Colossal" it's one thing if you are unaware, but you're no longer innocent in this chaos if you have been made aware. Honestly this would be a matter of accountability at this point. It would stand to reason if you care enough that you would be more receptive. All this "tone police biz is exhausting".
Well said.
OMFG the tone policing...as if there's a magical word and tone combination thst will make them communicate rationally like an adult.
I’m mostly secure, but abit DA and came to learn about it
Hi have you got a link please on how to work with this attachment style as my partner of 7 months has this DA style and I want to understand it so I don’t lose her thank you all 🙏🙏🙏