You have just so brilliantly explained something I have experienced regularly throughout my life, and now I understand why - I am just the same as you, waking up some mornings overwhelmed by my to do list and that suffocating feeling that I have to do EVERYTHING, even though I am away from my abusers and now in a loving relationship, with good friends and family around me. Thank you, for finally making this one aspect of CPTSD make total sense. Your videos are a lifeline!
I didn't realize this was an emotional flashback... I just wake up some days feeling like everything is suffocating me. Like everything is bad, and I can't do anything. It lasts the whole day. I feel like i don't want to exist on those days. And disassociate even though it typically would be considered a normal/great day. In my head its all just awful and bad things are happening even though they're not
Omg yes, ive been feeling this since i turned 20. Nothing bad happening, yet i feel so devastated, and its hard for me to be happy on those days. I felt so unloved eventho others show me and tell me that they love me, i still wasnt feeling like im loved.
It’s amazing how everyone’s coping mechanisms are different. When I’m feeling stressed (I’m fine with work stress, schedule stress etc, but not emotional stress), I make a To Do list. It organizes and focuses me. If there’s too much on it, I start scheduling items out over time. Organization, feeling like I’m accomplishing things, helps me cope with the emotional stress that I have difficulty dealing with. However, it can also be that I use the list to not work on my emotional stress, so there’s that.
For me emotional flashbacks come in the form of dread, shame, self loathing, a sense of emptiness and helplessness, and looking out for the worst possible outcome. This is why it's better for me to be alone in this state because when others are around I feel obliged to mask it and try and support them, but they will usually pick up on my tension and unease.
Yeah .... the worst possible outcome has been haunting my thoughts since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. The dread. The shame and self-loathing are more in the voice (interject) of my supercritical ex husband ... the things he said.
@@busyant2944 I'm finding some rescue in NET (Neuro emotion technique), there's a simple exercise you can do (a few clips of it on TH-cam) that can help you self-regulate. Vagal nerve stimulation is also useful 👍
My emotional flashbacks are exactly how you describe it when I get triggered, mine are honestly like this volcano inside resurfacing over and over...like a sudden overwhelming flood of intense emotions that are so extremely easy to just react with anger and aggressiveness...I’m still working on trying to change my reaction and walk out of the room once I’m triggered or know I’m about to be triggered. It’s a very difficult thing to have to deal with..
How do you walk out of the room when the whole world feels unsafe. I have nowhere to go to cool down. Everything breaks eventualy, and the more I lash out at something the angrier I become. So I have to stop and turn it inward, or break everything. This is why I blame myself until I don't care, and get drunk. I know that is why I am just a useless alcoholic. That is why I cannot be helped. It is all my fault. If I just obeyed and don't drink, all of my therapist think I would be fine. I have tried for months at a time, but no one believes that I am still angry and depressed EVERYDAY, even after months of sobriety.
Andrew Stuhrenberg this course is about learning to regulate those common reaction to CPTSD. I hope you are taking the course. Also, look into EMDR therapy. It has helped me in amazing, miraculous ways!
Shut down, shut up, isolate, withdraw until I can process. It's kept me alive and sane. A narcissistic relationship can shut you down and disregulated for 5+ years...that's why I've been single for the last 5 years. I knew something major just happened. It almost destroyed me. thanks for the content. I will heal.
I'm in a flashback right now! I just came out of the shower, I had some thoughts about my mom in the shower and I got a sudden anxiety. It continued when taking on some clothes. It was negative thoughts about taking a shower too long putting on the wrong clothes. I just had something to eat, it almost came up. It feels so strange in my body. Like a zombie. Every muscle is tight, headache, massive tiredness, dry mouth and heartbeat. I had it many many times, but just right now, because the trigger was a thought of my mom i think that it could be a emotional flashback.
I have a consistent morning routine and followed it for years. I’d say what can send me into an emotional flashback is when someone disturbs my routine or shatters my expectations. The holidays are particularly hard to navigate because of my family dynamics. While ignoring or minimizing me and my children throughout the year suddenly it becomes extremely important for us to commit to my moms dingbat plans. I really hate it. Even though I’ve done the internal work to find peace in my life and weed out toxic people my family still sends me over the edge. Whenever I get a out of the blue surprise expectations/demand it feels like I’m being assaulted and I go into a state of self protective anger. Sometimes it takes the form of aggressive venting to my kids or wife. Sometimes I grumble and do a slow burn. But absolutely what always back fires is trying to use reason and honesty to express my feelings to my family. You can talk all you want to people but if they are intent on misunderstanding you or don’t even speak anywhere near the same language it’s going to get you nowhere. My coping mechanism is to remind myself that I have power over myself and my actions, repeating the mantra “this is mine, that is yours“ helps. Luckily I have a kind hearted, patient wife who appreciates me and lovely children who inspire me to be a better example than I had growing up. If you can retrain your brain in the way it recognizes threats/negative stimuli, then you can learn how to pull yourself out of the emotional flashback before it bursts like a Fourth of July firework. Lastly, in my experience gauging expectations of others realistically is also very helpful. Sadly, most people will bumble through a life of frustration, surrender and alienation, Or what Thurber called “lives of quiet desperation“, but that doesn’t have to be you.
I have been having these for 7 years without knowing they had a name. I called it 'waking up with the sads' , it takes many hours sometimes to work through it, but the crying doesn't necessarily stop, some days it does, some it doesn't. It is so good to know there is a clinical cause and we are capable of creating new neural pathways with commitment and practice. Thank you so much for the info on this Anna.
@@feliciajenkins5458 I call it the "mean reds" totally uncontrollable, unlike the blues. I live alone now and have days of peace. I am 71 and it took me a long time and therapy (CBT) to get my feet under me. The best thing I found was an adult commitment to my faith.
There are many times, especially at night and in the morning, when I will ruminate about where my life is and suddenly I'm thrust into a scenario from my past. I either regret or feel unresolved about the particular memory and feel as though I'm reliving it--like I'm there in the present moment. I feel the full weight of the emotion, whatever it is. This always leaves me drained and pessimistic about who I am in my life.
Hmmm. I have made a ton of progress, but I do wonder whether taking chemical grade MDMA with a trained therapist would just resolve 10 years in an hour.
You know that feeling of overwhelm when you were a little kid and somehow, got lost from your parents in a crowd? They were nowhere to be seen, and as a tiny child you were completely vulnerable in a world of giants with no protection. That is the feeling of an emotional flashback for me; it is a melange of despair, panic, immanent death, and sheer terror. As an adult, when you flashback to this young state, it is like you're a prisoner in your own body. Something triggered you, yet you don't know exactly what because the specific memory isn't there. Just a wave of emotions, that you try to make sense of but can't
Omgosh yes 😭😭😭.... honestly I think that's why it was confusing for me to call it flashbacks because I don't see specific images but it does feel like all those times in my past comes back when I'm triggered.
My emotional flashbacks put me back in that mindset that I feel like I'm as helpless as I was when, as a child I'd be yelled at and berated as a child for hours on end, and all I could do to not make things worse was to sit there and take it quietly. at first I would cry, and then I learned its better not to, so I dissociated and got numb. it makes it so hard not to freeze up, it makes me dissociated, it makes me feel broken, like theres something wrong with me and nothing I do can fix me, like noone cares about me or loves me and I feel ashamed and like there is no escape in sight. Sometimes this can last days, it most often happens right after an argument, even if its small, or even just by someone ignoring me or making me feel like they don't hear me and I dont matter. Sometimes I just slip into it whenever I feel like I'm not being good enough or productive enough. I'm still working on pinning it down and understanding it, and it was only recently that I even admitted to myself that I do indeed have CPTSD and that this is an emotional flashback.
My emotional flashbacks leave me frozen and wanting to escape from somewhere, intense anxiety fills my stomach and can even make me cough /gag, I feel so helpless and all I can say is no over an over, I can't really stop it but usually how I cope during the flashback I try to tell myself I am okay and move my hands and feel my skin to try and ground myself I tell myself over and over that I am okay until it stops
That's a good coping mechanism to get through it, I suggest trying some exercises for when you aren't dysregulated as well, it helped me immensely with anxiety. courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice -Cara@TeamFairy
You just described exactly how I feel when I sense with my chronic hypervigilance my husband is starting to get angry with me. Instantly frozen to the spot afraid to move unable to speak coherently and so full of fear it’s as if the floor has dropped out from under me and I am in freefall. My father was emotionally distant and prone to sudden rage attacks when he would slice anyone near him to emotional ribbons using his high intelligence as a verbal weapon and it was horrible. My mother was kind and caring but very codependent and absolutely could not handle this. I did whatever I could to get away and used to hide in my closet, trying not to move or breathe, hoping it would pass soon and I would have my regular Daddy back 😭 He left my Mom, my little sister and me when I was 13 and I was so full of hurt and rage I medicated myself with drugs throughout my teenage years just to numb the pain. Thank God I survived! Now I am 60 (I waited this long because I knew deep down that despite my best efforts I would marry someone who would become emotionally abusive. After many years of therapy and practicing drawing away from the dark side of toxic behaviors and friends, I know where these feelings are coming from. Yet still I have them and it’s awful. I have CFS, depression, anxiety for many years and now am developing autoimmune disorders. I know this all stems from my primary trauma of Bad Daddy who is chronically abusive, then leaves just when you need him most. Oh, and I was Daddy’s girl, so that made it even worse. Not even sure why I felt compelled to write this, except to say to others who are suffering that I survived and have had many times of joy in my life. I have hope that continued work on myself will bring improvement in my situation and I am noticing that earnest prayer and meditation daily helps a lot. My dream is to find a place where my long lost creativity will blossom and this will somehow help others 💖
Wow. I finally know where my "overwhelmedness" comes from. So helpful. Given my early life situation my subsequent need to do everything myself is perfectly rationale. No longer helpful...but rationale.
synchromorph , I understand. Your words could have been my words. It’s somehow a little soothing to know I’m not alone and that my hypothesis about my cptsd isn’t me having a lazy brain or unwilling to work hard, or be consistently reliable and responsible. Always on time and prepared, ..not me. As I get older, I’m still single and childless.
synchromorph thank you for that. And in college I read Krishnamurti, the awakening of intelligence. I’d forgotten that quote. I will go and read him now.
Emotional flashbacks of abandonment, and of being taken advantage of have plagued me for years, and I had no idea that's what it was. Thank you so much for bringing dysregulation to light for me. You're a wonderful human. I can finally try a new approach.
I experience emotional flashbacks too. I was at a church service recently during which the topic of father's day was on the agenda. The first speaker, a friend of mine quoted a long list of statistics about fatherless families and how they produced people who were incarcerated, suffered other similar catastrophes. I hate quoting statistics endlessly without presenting a deeper understanding in the way Anna does. I became totally deregulated, got up and walked out of the service. I felt a numbness and brain fog as well as an overwhelming sense of guilt for publically walking out of a church service. I felt a sense of abandonment for leaving my friends ...my dad was abandoned by his mother at 3 as a result of divorce. ..in 1925. I spent the rest of the day trying to recover. I realize that for now, my church activities must amount to a daily practice regimen. I came to understand that my deregulation began the day before, due to fatigue and an abrupt change in the time services had been scheduled. I find that a consistent daily practice schedule is, for now, more important that strict church attendance. This amounts to a change in personal priorities, and is amazingly healing for me
I can't even believe this! I just told my therapist again how hard mornings are..here im thinking and grasping at straws trying to figure out why i ruminate so early with gut wrenching feelings of loss then tears and my brain scrambling to find where its coming from which memory or is it suppressed, and how frustrating it is to start a day that way...i needed this...im in a bit of shock right now and gratitude!!!
Wow. This is so helpful and empowering! My emotional flashback is a feeling/belief that I am being excluded; that I am not wanted, not loved, not valued and included. I definitely wake up with this sometimes. I remember doing so as a kid, waking up to voices outside, happy voices connecting, and feeling like I wasn't a part of that. I'd feel very sad, and I'd resist getting up and walking into an extroverted environment that was occupied with things other than me and my feelings, because that would make me feel even more sad and alone. I always thought it was just my own problem, some kind of vague depression, but this video has me considering again what kind of specific trauma/s I might have had that would leave me feeling that way. I'm thinking it very likely that it was simply being left in a crib to cry alone. I don't remember it, but my mom didn't co-sleep with me, and I know I was in a crib early on, and it's pretty likely that I would have such feelings, as all babies will when separated from their mom, especially if crying and not being heard or responded to. As an adult, I still often wake with a sort of emotional paralysis, a hopeless/helpless sadness, waiting for my husband to come and get me up in the morning. I'll lay in bed awake for an hour or more when I can. I think I want the reassurance that someone cares, more than I want to get up. It may also have a physical flashback element, my body literally being unable to get out of bed until someone comes, on their own timeline unrelated to my waking impulse. For anyone relating to this, one thing I've tried that was rather wonderful when experiencing this paralysis, is imagine myself coming upstairs to lovingly get myself up, booming a cheerful greeting and giving myself a BIG loving hug. I only did it once, but it was very nice and helped me get up and feel less sad. I'm realizing that given the nature of trauma I may benefit from imagining this more regularly, maybe as a 5-second countdown visualization before launching out of bed.
I totally relate with this comment. I believe I was neglected as an infant as well, not being held, looked at, talked to. And thanks for the tip. I’ll adapt and try it with my own situation.
I get emotional flashbacks. And I’ve been tormented by them for most of my life until I dealt with my traumatic childhood. Now I have the benefit of sensing them, so I don’t get as lost in them and end up emotionally drained. Mine come on when feeling a slightly perceived threat that usually isn’t there. Then I turn to rage as a defense.
I honestly had no idea that what I was experiencing was an emotional flashback. I had never heard of it. I think I have two different types, the one you mentioned, the angry that things just don't stop and 'i have to do this and this and this but I just can't do it" and then another type where it's just an intense sadness not appropriate for the situation. Shopping for food in the grocery store? Bam. Got to stop, stare at the options, get overwhelmed, sadness kicks in and then I shut down.
I attend ACA and a friend of mine loaned me her copy of Pete Walker’s book. It’s like a bible to me now and now a couple of friends and my boyfriend all got the book. He and I use it pretty consistently and it’s FULL of pragmatic, useful, insightful information. I came across your channel about 8-9 months ago, immediately subscribed, and I thank you so much for your pragmatism and sharing of experience. I now, because of your videos, use the 4th step inventory process when resentments come up, or even if I’m becoming agitated and need to root out greater understanding of what’s going on, what I’m believing and feeling, what part of me is being affected, and now to more compassionately respond to myself and my world. I’m also nine years sober through AA, and thankfully proficient in writing inventory. But it’s the daily and as necessary practice that’s having tremendous psychological and emotional healing for me. Thank you also that your videos are not long winded.. you do a great job and I want to thank and encourage you. Thank you thank you!! Your friend in commonality and healing, Amy 💞🙏🏼 PS.. For anyone else reading this, please begin, no matter how difficult, the process of meditation and writing daily.. these are vital tools to recovering from traumatic childhoods.. you are loved, you are important, your life matters. May God bless you wherever you’re at!!!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment, Amy. It's really nice to meet you. Thanks for offering encouragement to others, too. The positivity is so valuable.
Holy cow I knew I had ptsd but didn’t know about emotional flashbacks. I thought I was crazy sometimes. I really didn’t realize what was happening. It feels so in the moment that you don’t see how it can be ptsd. Just subbed.
I have CPTSD along with the attendant emotional flashbacks. The flashbacks happen all the time, I expect that I will always have them. They have at times driven me to near suicide just to escape the emotional pain, but that level of flashback hasn't happened in a while. The main reasons are that I'm aware of the flashbacks now when they happen, so recognition is important. When I do know one is happening, I start going through Pete Walker's 13 steps to manage the flashback, starting with "I'm having a flashback". I usually only have to do a few steps, usually the rejection of eternity thinking does the trick. And as you've said you do, I start the day with a daily centering/grounding routine. I get up, let my dogs out to pee, make coffee and sit on the couch for at least a half an hour meditating or listening to a guided meditation. I do this every day with out fail, it is the part of my life that everything else orbits around. I try to remain present/mindful all of my waking hours, no shame or guilt if I don't. Thanks for the videos, they do help. A lot.
What a great routine you've developed! And yes, Pete Walker's innovative work is world-changing. Like your acceptance around the flashbacks, while at the same time learning to calm them down.
Anna, wow, deja vu! That's it! That's what I do and my sister does, in the way of feeling crazy because we were going along having a good week or month, but then BAM! What the heck hit me?! And, "I thought I was doing pretty well lately, " or "I thought I was over this depression, so why do I feel so awful again?" That results in chronic disappointment in myself and/or others and/or life! Thank you for another big help! I get something every time I listen to you and I often mull it over, then go back and listen again! Thank you, God bless you!
My boyfriend struggles with CPTSD and emotional flashbacks and I just want to say your videos have helped me understand him and my own trauma. The way you explain it makes me also relate, and also understand how he feels as well. Thank you so much!
Idk for sure if I could have cptsd bc most of the time I feel fine but I know for a fact what you described is exactly how I feel during an emotional flashback. I don’t get them often, it’s usually only when I make a mistake. Instantly I start crying my eyes out, I feel stupid, ashamed and I just wanna hide away in my room for the rest of the day. That’s exactly how I’d react as a kid after my dad would lose his temper and yell at me for stuff that really wasn’t that big a deal.
i just woke up and had a very vivid dream about being jealous. In the dream I was jealous about an underling taking my boss' attention away from me (and I don't have a boss or an underling now LOL) . Jealousy is a HUGE trigger for me however THIS TIME I REALIZED IT WAS TRAUMA. I also understood here the feeling was coming from, and rationally wrote about it. I settled into understanding that they are not real - they are trauma. I did my DP and meditated and I feel ok . For me all these realizations are a miracle! HOO HOO!!
I have this. Started with a hard childhood and contines into my adult life. I have life PTSD. Meaning...LPTSD, for me. I am definately learning so much from you on this channel! Thank you so very much!
Rosemarry Polack , more than any other phase of life, our childhood stays with us, providing a strong, stable foundation from which to handle the rough and tumble emotional attacks in our careers, friendships and romantic relationships. Or not.
I listened to this and cried. It explains so much about my emotional over reactions to things in my life. I quickly purchased the book on kindle and started reading, but found myself unable to connect it to myself as a child. Instead the guilt of what I passed on to my children and the mom I was/ wasn't has gripped me. I gave my kids a disease. More shame, pain, and guilt....😭 Advice??
Yes I can relate to these flashbacks. I've had them as long as I can remember. It really does affect my relationships especially with my daughter. I try to self soothe. Breathing, going in the hot tub, and distracting myself with TH-cam self help videos such as these. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't 😔
I write or sing or do some arts and crafts, it amazes me how quickly I can regulate when I write. Of course I watch all your TH-cam videos and follow all your insightful self help techniques writing down my fears and resentments works so well 🙂 thank you Anna for reminding me today that I can do this and I can stop the self doubt that creeps in and causes so much dis regulation ✌️💕🌸☀️🌈☀️🦋🧚♀️🙏🌟
Thanks Anna, that was really great! My biggest emotional flashback when i was married to a narcissist was the same as yours, mainly because if I asked him to help out around the house he woudl tell me to stop trying to control him! ha ha but now I'm divorced and my emotional flashback has gone back to the worry mode that i got into as a child. i decided when i was little, that I would worry about things nonstop. that way i would never forget something i needed to do. Sometimes i wake up and I'm already in worry mode, it's icky and causes me to get anxious. I have alot of work to do in the morning to take care of my elderly cats and give my dogs their meds , feed all of them, change the cat litter, give sub q fluids to one cat and then take the dogs out for a long walk on a desert trail. I have to say that taking care of 6 loving pets and getting out in the morning desert air ( unless its windy and dusty!} really grounds me and my worries usually dissolve.
OMG this is definitely ONE (of several) of mine! “I’m freaking out cuz I know I’ve got to take control because if I don’t then everything will be totally out of control.” And to be honest I cannot even pinpoint where or why it originated but I know that this panic has bombarded me throughout the majority of my adult life!
This is so comforting to watch, your video just make my day since i feel overwhelmed today. I have been dealing with this for so long. I didnt get it why i can be so emotional over something that werent really matter much. My parents teased me bcs im so sensitive over stupid things. So many things can triggers me, watching family related movie, watching random kids who has a happy look on their face, or who were crying (i just couldnt it gives me intense sad and painful emotion as well) looking at my childhood picture, getting rejected, getting unresponded even they were merely didnt hear my tiny voice, and many things even the most mundane things. My family likes to watch the video tape of us back when i was still little sometimes. And i couldnt help to watch. Eventho those are just the happy moments. I would end up excuse myself to my room bcs i dont wanna be seen crying bcs it triggers me so much.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy i am! And i knew eversince i was a kid my parents told me that im such a delicate person i get hurt and mad easily. But, i also have abandonment issues and few traumas in my childhood that makes my sensitivity goes wayy higher , sometimes a series of depression as well, now that im an adult. I didnt realized it until i read about cptsd and its really resonate well with me.
I'm 53 and still get visionary & emotional flashbacks , a song , a word can take me right back to 1 of those times that broke me . I didnt realise I was Dysregulateing & I can remember other times from years ago . We had went a 2 week holiday. By the end of that holiday I was totally stressed to the max , ready to burst into tears at every turn ! When we got home I went into hyper mode speaking about the holiday for hours and racing as I spoke of it negatively, next day my husband and I walked around this same bit for atleast 3 hours till I started to feel a little bit of me Sadly my husband of 30 years passed in 2010 . Less than a year later our oldest son . Incarcerated and set right up. Yes I have a problem with authority. I tried getting a lawyer but they all stick together (its a big club and we r not in it : said by George Carlin. Its took me a lot of years to recognise some signs and build my confidence from scratch after my husband passed. My doctor said to me " Take it 1 day at a time !, I said " I will be better taking it 15 minutes at a time " I was so scared to look any further . Ofcourse this is 11 years now down the line . We are forever a work in progress. We mature like fine wines . Keep the faith and trust in you. Thank you Anna 🌹💐
3 minutes into this, i broke down in tears. I was amazed at just how perfectly you described my mornings right before work. I get scared, god only knows how many flashbacks I get in a day, definitley around 10. Yes, thats 10 every single damn day. I hate my life
THANK YOU!!!! You have put into words what I have struggled to try and explain to people in the past. Why are you angry? Why are you so scared? Why can't you stop crying? Because of decades of abuse and being told feelings aren't allowed. Childhood abuse doesn't stop at 18 when you are still surrounded by the abusers. I didn't start healing until the primary abusers died. For me those emotional fashbacks are often accompanied by the voices of my abusers or really fun one! my mind palace being attacked and wrecked visually by the tornado of thoughts and feelings having a temper tantrum in it.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you know it's ok I am finally in the best place. I'm 5yrs out of the prison of agoraphobia after 10yrs. It's hard but I got this! You are going to be a great help. I shared this show with my friend Marie who aside from being a touch ocd seemed fine to me. We spent an hour talking about how she saw herself in every word you said. We'd say you're an angel
Oh dear, I din't know that what I've been experiencing my whole life is an emotional flashback. The same paralysing feeling when my emotionally abusive mother screamed and yelled at me when I was a kid. I recently realised that when this feeling comes, I can regain focus by asking myself "am I safe, is anyone trying to hurt me right here right now"
I'd never realised the feeling I have on a "bad day" (or 4🙄) is ... exactly the way I'd feel when id done something 'wrong' and my mother's bf would get angry😳 ... Palaysis is right. Terror, another word! Thank you, for the valuable insight🙏 *Also, thank you for the tip to snap back out of it! Very effective, and better than just "am I safe?" More grounding.
It’s usually a word that I hear that triggers me. Or i wake up like this. And I’m most often overwhelmed by a horrible sadness. Hopelessness. I can’t cheer up. I
This was brilliant - before I wake up I hear the voice in my head telling me everything that I haven’t done, don’t do and how I am being taken advantage of and will have to do everything myself. I have heard too many times to ignore- I knew it was going to be an argument as soon as I saw the mood you were in when you woke up... Then instead of copping to it- I deflect and deny then shame spiral. I feel like an out of control monster. I also dismissed these feelings because there was no clear “ picture” attached to it... but the language of an emotional flashback makes so much sense. These episodes would generally occur after my partner was drunk or a chaotic evening. And I beat myself up for not standing up for myself and appeasing it becoming dysregulated. Thank you so much for sharing and giving such great examples.
Thank you. We both owe a debt to Pete Walker for defining the concept of an Emotional Flashback. Just knowing what it is and naming it can make all the difference!
Wow. This has so doubly confirmed the PTSD flashbacks I experience. Recently I had palpitations, fluttering of the heart. I feel that when I'm in an anxiety episode it's impossible to get myself out of it. It was also triggered by a relationship gone bad. Difficult to do anything. Have realized a lot of things, recognised emotional symptoms of childhood trauma. Made bad choices with relationships. Now I procrastinate and trying to figure out why. I feel like I want to make up for lost time and achieve some things at the age of 58. Recently visited mother again who is a very difficult character and who badly neglected my emotional needs of needing to feel protected and safe from my father during childhood. She refused to accept and continued emotionally abusing me to boot, creating a toxic bond that for years I was unable to detach from. Struggle to let go and get on with my life, kind of feeling stuck. Sloppy meditator, yet know this will help. Wonder whether it's a fear of succeeding or being deserving of good things in my life. I so want to change all this, get the negative past out of my head.
From one sloppy meditator to another, don't worry too much about getting it right! If you haven't yet, please check out my free "Daily Practice course on my website. The writing method I teach really helps prepare for an easier meditation.
This has spoken to me so much. All of this information about PTSD online is so therapeutic and relatable to me as someone with c-ptsd. Thank you so much.
I'm 65 years old when I was younger I would have flashbacks about being abused in a particular place. I called them whiteouts I would be teleported back to that incident, then wake up almost like a mini stroke. Now what causes emotional internal rage when people disregard my experience as being non-believable which feeds on my autonomy versus shame and doubt. Further diminishing a sense of self it's taken me 65 years to figure out I don't have to be around those kind of people, nor do I have to explain to anyone how I feel.
I'm almost permanently in this state of "flashback" to one of a thousand different unknown things from the past. I'm nearly 50 but have only just begun my journey to some sort of healing from CPTSD. The reason being being that the mental health services "missed it" until now...... so much anger towards the NHS, useless bunch of dossers.
I've been in a relationship with a man with cptsd and I didn't even know the term existed until after I met him, I had heard of PTSD but I didn't know there was childhood post-traumatic stress disorder because I had never met anyone who had it anyway I'm so glad that I've come along your videos, Your videos are so helpful to me. My loved one wakes up dysregulated and he's had a certain way of coping with it that actually causes me a lot of distress and causes a lot of tension in the house. But with your videos I've been able to understand him and cope with the stress that living with someone with this disorder causes. Things are getting a lot better day by day. Thank you so much for all the work you put into this channel and I look forward to your boot camp and courses and in the future I think me and my partner will both be taking them .thank you so much🙏🙏🙏🙏
I didn’t realize other people experienced this. I wake up often feeling anxious and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl out of my body and other times I’m totally paralyzed! I honestly thought I was going crazy over the years and there was no hope! I woke up anxious today with an accelerated heart rate and don’t no why? AGAIN! I’ve done my daily practice and trying to get myself together for the day. I am on day 7 of the boot camp for dysregulation. You are inspiring and so generous with your knowledge…. I’m so beyond grateful for the algorithm of you tube!
One more thing. I’ve been doing your daily practice for two weeks. This has done for me then any other class/therapy/group/program I’ve tried. And it’s been a twenty yr journey, I finally feel like someone gets me. That there is a way. I’m not sure if this makes sense but I feel like myself. I’ve never felt that “Self””Or at least not for a period of time like it’s been for the past week. I no I will have hiccups but for today I’m hopeful! Your a blessing to me ❤️
Thanks so much for being here, and for your work in the course. you are making a difference in your own life, and in the lives of all who connect with you!
This sounds so familiar. I burn myself out, even if i really don´t have anything important to do that day. Thank you for your work! Your work really made me understand this and now I´m doing the daily practice every day. Huge shift has happened, even though not easy.
You saved my teenager's ass today! Thank you. I was just about to beret my daughter regarding the trash. I realize that she is spacing out bc she is about to visit her father in another country. Now after your videos I did a 180 realizing she is acting adhd bc of some emotional flashback. (and me too!!) I did your mediation. Now I will handle her with love and compassion. And myself too. THANK YOU!
I feel so validated. I am realizing RN that I spent the past 2 weeks in this state after a triggering event (I suspect it’s another traumatic event, but can be hard to ID or admit that while you’re still in the midst of that and trying to just get through). I thought it was my depression, but it felt far too agitated and I realize that my CPTSD was at least part of the picture. I’ve been having an emotional flashback. It makes sense now. Sad, but makes sense.
Living in small home with my daughter and 2 young-adult grandsons, 4 people attempting to recover from c.p.t.s.d. at the same time. The idea of my daily "anxiety attacks" as flashbacks is captivating. I fight to not feel devalued and marginalized by their inability to do much of anything for themselves. So encouraging to know, "having to do everything" panic is common. We're gradually moving forward, thankyou for helping me feel better!
WOW- just, wow. I have heard about these but until this video, could not get a good definition of what it actually is. This story is my story- I have intense anger over the lack of help I get, it is so out of proportion with reality. If the kitchen is messy when I get home, omg watch out. I freak out- some days are far worse than others. My partner does not understand and thinks I am just being a bitch. I make lists all of the time, and I put them off until the last minute then go frantically about it. I am a mess when this happens, I cannot think to properly prioritize and feel like I am lost. I had no idea that this was an emotional flashback- but holy hell it makes so much sense now. Thank you.
This is wonderful. I have nightmares and i always get confused because its not flashback from my memories. They are all based on my trauma and give me the same feeling but it is not a actual event from my memories. It’s almost as is my brain creates dreams out of my worst fears, trauma, and feelings.
Mine are sometimes when I wake up or triggered by something unrelated in my everyday life, or I’ll have memories from some trauma and then it like taints my brain whether I’m thinking about it or not. Can be hours or days later. I have shame flashbacks like I’m not good enough feelings/thoughts, I hate myself thoughts, rage, sadness, loneliness, and REJECTION. Omg that one is the worst bcuz I have BPD too and imagined or perceived rejection will not only start a snowball (in one now) but it will cause me to split on people, get totally dysregulated , get paranoid sometimes, and then if I don’t get a handle on it, I can do unhealthy things to numb out. I’m in an emotional flashback rn and it suckkkkks
Feels Good Man thank u for the love wow ❤️ I’m doing so much better and learning learning. Trauma work is tough but it’s worth it and I’m actually believing that for the first time ever!
Thank you & all who support you. I appreciate your kindness, knowledge & understanding. I acknowledge things & rarely speak of it. Gloss over alot, undermined my true self, kept to myself...to smoking cigerettes. Way i dealt with it over the years- listening, having a mum not biological for a short time (Doreen has passed on), eventually boundaries, walking away & talking about it later, walking, traveling. I usually pat myself on my back with good food out once a fortnite. Being organised, not worrying about mistakes rather do solutions
I am 65. Recent i discover more about me and my childhood. I thought i was disregulated because i am traumatized 4y ago that my relationship ended. I start to think now i have been my whole life in a survive mode. I thought i was oke and intelligent enough, i do everything alone to make my life as good as possible... as a child i felt lonely sometimes. Growen up i felt different often then others. Got married young, 3 Kids all growen up, divorced, relationship later also, 2 man who have been addicted... the last one was the love of my life, but sad enough got addicted to alcohol and cocaïne... i have been working so hard to make him to change his behaviour... but now i know some time ago i have to choose for myself. But still have moment i can cry suddenly while i felt before oke. I want to decorate again my house, but it feels i look up to a big Mountain. Knowing i have to do it all by myself... (although my youngest offert). Sometimes i feel depression, started to think maybe because of my age the feeling there is not much time left ! I know that feeling is wrong, but it feels like everything has no sense. I blamed it due to the relationship i miss.... i am now on a path i discover more and more things wich i never knew before about my past and why i am like i am.... i thought i was oke and strong enough in life. Weird is this
To hear you explain so clearly what has been happening to me for years is incredible! I’m encouraged because someone understands and has answers! Thank you!
I feel so validated. These are all things I’ve done with CBT and therapy for depression and anxiety, but my disregulation was completely thrown off when we first began sheltering in place. This makes so much sense why I always feel like I have way too much to do in the morning. I had put a routine in place, but understanding the reason is going to be so much more helpful!
I highly recommend! Because she has been there, you’ll be amazed at the help she offers for a seemingly impossible, seemingly incurable, incomprehensible hold on your life. It is amazing to hear her put into words simply what I’ve suffered with my whole life . Only a fellow CPTSD person can understand the whole complicated situation. She understands and knows how to help. I have to also recommend EMDR therapy. It is nothing short of a miracle treatment for ptsd. The crappy childhood fairy’s insight helps one recognize more clearly what needs the EMDR healing.
Yeah they're not fun. I go fight or flight. I disconnected from my body at 11 for protection. Seemed to put my emotions on delay. The more I'm grounded into my body the more flashbacks I get. Good though because I'm getting present to fully recover. Thanks for sharing and being of service to humanity.
I do this constantly and I had no idea it had anything to do with my CPTSD. Most mornings I wake up around 6 or 7 and my brain immediately starts building my to-do list for the day. Without even trying, it's just automatically the first thing I think of whenever I wake up. I used to do this all the time where I'd start cleaning the kitchen around 7:30 or 8 and if my husband was still in bed I'd just become outraged and overwhelmed with this feeling that I have to do everything myself. I'd start slamming cabinets and loudly taking plates out of the dishwasher until he eventually woke up. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize what I was doing until he'd come in the kitchen and ask if everything was okay. We've talked about it and it's something I've been working on and have gotten much better about, but I'm glad that I know the source of it now. Every time that would happen and the feeling passed I would have this wave of shame wash over me because I remember my mom doing the same kind of things with my dad and the last thing I want to do is end up like her. This video has helped me out so much, thank you!
Does not need to be from childhood abuse. CPTSD comes from chronic intense stress. This is often childhood trauma, but can be other things. In any case, if the symptoms fit, my approach can help.
I just started to understand that I was having these behaviors I knew I had ptsd but I didn’t know what it really looked like or that I may have been causing it to my own child until me and my last boyfriend had sabotaged our love because we both have ptsd and pushed each other far away.. he said I woke up ready to fight I didn’t understand that until I saw this video.. I’m healing and learning and know I can get better this is the beginning of a Better life 🙏❤️ Thank you
WOW.?. Ive only discovered this site and CPTSD 2 days ago...For me an emotional flashback feels/looks like a 110 electrical shock when two wires are sparking/shorting out.?. Sometimes it might look like a 220 electrical short.?. However on a bad day it feels more like a 440 ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION.?. sending this tidal wave of energy throughout my entire body, cutting off the logical thinking part of the brain 🧠 becoming so overwhelmed/enraged I don't know what to do with myself.?. THANKS FOR THE VIDEOS
I hate living with complex PTSD and the flashbacks. I get extremely emotional and feel a lot of sadness like I don't want to go on anymore. I quit alcohol over two years ago and quit other things I assumed messed with my mental health yet I know the complex PTSD is taking over as I'm so isolated and then go back to the sadness of wondering why I would lose friendships because I have suffered a lot. 😞💔
I can relate to your story, im always been such an unenthusiastic melancholy person eversince i was a kid. I thought it was just my characteristics. And when i was 20, it hit me like crazy. I can be so bitter harsh and very emotional on some days. I would woke up feeling heavy on my chest and feel a painful emotion even there wasnt anything bad happened. There are days where i hate everything and felt a great despair i just wanna shut down from the world. I push my friends and family away and spending all my time alone which just worsen it. I feel so unloved and unhappy eventho ive been shown and told that they love me, but still deep down i believe they dont. Its suffocating. I wonder why would i feel so unhappy when things are going great. Thank god i discover this, at elast im not gonna blame it all of this weird feelings to myself as i used to which really makes me feel shitty and self loathing. Were in this together, i believe there will be time in the future where we would see this story as our history behind which shapes us into the stronger version of ourself. One day, we will make peace with our past trauma. I'll pray for both of us ❤
I also wake up with dread, too mentally overloaded. I'm daydreaming about a retreat...I've always liked that word "Retreat"..., just recently realized maybe it should be a To-do goal
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks I will have to look at it. I got better for about a month and a half after Christian inner healing counseling but then an incident triggered me again
I have many times woken up panicked or deeply saddened and it has taken me hours before to start “regulating” if I can even call it that. Also sometimes during the day it just happens that I’m pissed or upset or scared and panicked seemingly for no reason. I do think I also lash out at people for it.
I get like this. There will be days, sometimes it’s for no reason and other times it’s because the anniversary of a certain trauma is coming up, I feel myself become very hopeless and feeling like I can’t escape even though I don’t have any need to escape. I find it very helpful to say my feelings out loud. I don’t have to do anything about it, but when it happens I also feel like a nervous energy building on my chest. The act of speaking even if it is extremely difficult to do so, helps me feel like the energy is being released. I’m still working on figuring out what to do when I’m having physical flashbacks with no emotions tied to it in the moment. I can be fine one day and the next my chest or my stomach hurts so bad I can barely move. When I hurt like that someone always “forces” me to go to an emergency room but they always tell me the same thing. The pain is stress related or My sickness was probably caused by stress. I often wonder if this happens to others who have cptsd or if that’s some random thing that happens on top of my having cptsd.
This does sound like an extra harsh version of a common phenomenon. That would be good news if you are "somaticizing." It means you can "un-somaticize."
THANK YOU! My previous therapist dismissed the terrible upheavals I was having as non-traumatic because they weren't visual replays. "General" therapists with no specialisation in trauma aren't sufficiently aware of its complex, hidden forms. My experience falls through the cracks of the standard symptom catalogue for PTSD. Since we normalise and generalise our backstory so much anyway, I couldn't imagine there was a way I could be traumatised by something as "normal" as constant neglect, uprooting and violence. I could have been saved from so much agony (in my adult life, at least!) had I only been given a clue! I intuitively sensed that I needed help and kept trying to get therapy, but after two virtually "resultless" short-time treatments for what was assumed to be a mood disorder, I kept earning deferrals from confused non-specialised professionals who mistook parentalisation for stability. It's hard. The coping mechanisms we have developed since the dawn of our memories are a real hindrance in trying to get help.
I know what you mean. It's a very big deal -- life changing -- that we're figuring this out now and we'll be here to guide others who notice something's wrong with them, but can't seem to find help that works.
This may not be applicable but I have flashbacks where I’ll remember a traumatic event in my childhood and my face begins to reflect the emotions I felt in that situation. I start to talk internally about the memory and I can feel myself sinking back into the feelings of the past. As an almost graduated (BSW) social work student who want to counsel children, I find it fascinating to learn about this disorder and how to combat it. Thank you for your videos. It explains a lot about myself and my family as well.
Anna I love your last name it makes me laugh but in a nice way. Anyway, I just learned from you that what I am experiencing are emotional flashbacks. Also the best thing for me to use to combat them is positive self talk. I don’t know exactly when it started happening exactly, I think it started after I had a five year emotional tug of war with someone who I later found out is a narcissist that I started to tell myself I am worthless. Life was too hard everything was happening not according to my plan and I decided to stay down instead of fighting. After doing this for years I developed anxiety and depression. Luckily my therapists and my nephew helped me see the good in me and I started talking positive to myself which boosted my self confidence and has me on the road to recovery which I know is very long.
I love simple solutions like this. And yes, I love my last name too, especially when people mispronounce it as "Rinkle" or when spellcheck thinks what I'm trying to say is "rankle". Both apt.
I do have a lot of things I do that I think help to self-regulate. In the evening, I keep the lights dim and soothing in my home, and spend time hanging with my cats. In the morning, I usually give myself at least an hour to drink coffee and read in bed before starting my day. I also have decided to limit my Facebooking. I only get on FB while I am on the train. None at home because I end up not being able to stop and getting really worked up!
Thank you @Meredith Anderson. I love hearing the real-life stories of how people do this. Totally agree about Facebook. Love/hate. A lot of people find the Fairy stuff there so good. But the ratio of mean to helpful comments is WAY higher than here on TH-cam, where it's almost zero.
Boy is this me.... i thought for the longest time that everyone did this because i had been having emotional flashbacks my whole life.. thanks for the tip to do morning routines... i wake with this feeling doom like someone’s going to die but i dont know who or something bad is about to happen.. it has robbed me of so much productivity and time. It is tragic. i have dealt with it in the past by self talk.... i would ask myself... what is it that you are afraid of right minute and then i would do self soothing talk and get outside. Going outside helps me... get in the sunshine. Go for a bike ride or walk it puts me in back in peace...
Thanks for this video, it's helped me greatly to understand why I feel the way I do. With COVID I've been stuck in my childhood home, and it's absolutely wrecked my state of mind, even though now it's just the past I'm struggling with
THANK YOU for talking about this! I never experienced an emotional flashback until about a year ago. However, my CPTSD was developed as an adult and was a result of a traumatic and abusive relationship. It's only been triggered in the context of romantic relationships, but I've completely dissociated and done and said things I never would have normally done. These flashbacks are just like I experienced the trauma at the time and I get to relive it all over again.
Anna, after watching your many videos, I feel like I have an understanding mentor in you. I am taking your dysregulation bootcamp now - best ever. I have been having a great week. I am reading Pete Walkers book on CPTSD and The Body Keeps the Score, as you recommended. I tear up a lot, but it is refreshing cleaning out the cobwebs. The bootcamp is excellent...and affordable. This video was enlightening! Thank you for taking the step to help others as you have helped yourself.
This is interesting. I've never told anyone this. I'm 52 & for as long as I can remember, I've had this very strange feeling/memory I can't explain that comes & goes at random times. It was more often when I was young. I kind of 'see' myself when I'm preschool age & I kind of 'see' a strange kaleidoscope image & the little kid/I feels dizzy. It's always felt like a flashback, but nasty & has always left me feeling strangely unsettled & I never knew why. A trauma I cant remember, but my body's kept the score. Thank you Anna.
Dissociation has been my unwelcome friend my whole life. Meditating with the Lord Jesus in prayer...listening to Christian music...yoga and breathing exercises and walks in nature help a great deal.
Thank you so much! This has happened to me for as long as I can remember. I've never known why until now! I'm a single mum of two teenage boys. Some days I wake up feeling like I have a weighted blanket on me & I can't move or get out of bed. There's this dull buzzing in my veins and the 'blanket' stays on even when I finally get up. If I arrive home with that feeling after a busy day and something simple like the washing up hasn't been done I go into this rant about it that I can't stop, even when I know it's happening. What confuses me is that when my sons say "Sorry mum. We'll do it now" it makes me worse! I feel like the 'vein bees' are now angry, hot hornets who've found their way into my head as well, and I need to do something active to calm them down. So I end up doing the chore anyway. My poor boys must have been so confused for so many years. For about a year I haven't said anything much when this happens because I hate myself so much when I yell, but occasionally I slip. Thank you for giving me a strategy to deal with this! Your advice is priceless 💝
@@jenniferlu7649 thank you. I explain it to them every time, but I could finally show them something tangible as to a reason why it happens when I saw this. They understand now and don't think it's their fault anymore. Now they know it's my fault.
My body tenses up and my mind starts to make up imagery scenarios revolving around people saying mean things behind my back. Or if I overhear a conversation and then laughter, I automatically feel like they're laughing at me and I become overly critical of every move I make. I'm actually in the middle of one right now at the time of writing this comment and I feel a sense of embarrassment, shame, frustration with self, sadness, and self-hatred. Not to mention I can be a perfectionist. It's pure torture...
Wow. Your videos are so enlightening. I relate so much to this video. I never knew about emotional flashbacks but now that I have seen this I recognize that I have them often. Thank you for all if your videos. You are amazing.
I totally get these emotional flashbacks at work and on the weekends. For a while I would get up and just go to a 12 step meeting every Saturday and Sunday morning or I wouldn't be able to get out of my own way. I was doing the inventory and meditation for a while and I'd really like to start doing it every morning as soon as I wake up.
You hit the nail on the head. Omg. I never got this piece of the puzzle. I cried watching this. Nothing fixesthe feeling. Nothing make sense some days, where I can take a good day and make it bad. Now it makes sinc I felt this way yesterday, why is it all on me. Now I get it.
Hello, I really relate to a lot of this, but I don't have PTSD, however I do struggle with OCD, so the fears, ruminating, and waking up with intense fear and dread is very relatable to me. I also become very fearful and emotional when my partner does anything, even something little the reminds me of something an ex has done, and my ex had bad intentions.
I totally relate, I live with those flashbacks all the time, and try so hard, so much, to resolve the issues in a reasonnable, sensible manner, but sometimes I get stuck and can't move forward, I'm paralized in the face of adversity. The most frustrating is others, the so-called friends, who don't want to understand, or if they don't understand, don't want to just listen and accept without judging what I'm going through. People are plain mean, they leave you if you're not this upbeat, strong woman who's always in control. I end up with less and less friends because I don't keep company with selfish, self-centered people.
Montreal Artlive - I agree with you - but that is the way most people are in life I have found. Most people want to take far more than they want to give. Sad. I can no longer be the unconditional limitless giver to everyone. They will drink me dry. Been there, done that. No more. I'm better off with my dogs and my art.
Thanks @@tracybrown4941 . You're so right about most people wanting to get the most, or at least something out of you. Maybe because they're afraid of the uncertainty of life, nothing is ever for ever .... That's why i go solo, solo through my newfound life, solo on my art journey, not looking to others for support or aprouval, they're all jealous anyways. I'm pretty good at spoting jealousy and envy ever since one day I realized my mother was insanely jealous of me as a little girl. Never better helped than by your own caring self. What type of art do you do ? I'm a contemporary realist painter. Cheers !
@@borealiswan2363 Agree with you. I have a few different mediums I like. Oils, acrylics and water colors. I like landscapes, wildlife, abstracts and anything that plays with concepts of sacred geometry and the golden mean. I really like fluid pour projects. I love color and patterns found in nature. Mostly, I just love to get lost in the creative flow. Need to get back to it. Been in the process of a life changing move and art has been on the back burner. Need to get back to it. It is where I find my peace and center. I'm mostly a fall and winter painter. Rest of the year is typically spent on other hobbies - there are many, many hobbies for me. I am most content when creating.
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You have just so brilliantly explained something I have experienced regularly throughout my life, and now I understand why - I am just the same as you, waking up some mornings overwhelmed by my to do list and that suffocating feeling that I have to do EVERYTHING, even though I am away from my abusers and now in a loving relationship, with good friends and family around me. Thank you, for finally making this one aspect of CPTSD make total sense. Your videos are a lifeline!
I didn't realize this was an emotional flashback... I just wake up some days feeling like everything is suffocating me. Like everything is bad, and I can't do anything. It lasts the whole day. I feel like i don't want to exist on those days. And disassociate even though it typically would be considered a normal/great day. In my head its all just awful and bad things are happening even though they're not
Well, at least you've found your tribe!
i've woken up many times feeling this way as well. i relate to every single thing you described. what a freaking godsend this woman is!
I feel that. As long as I can remember I've either never been able to care enough to do much, or I'm dissatisfiedneven if I do
Omg yes, ive been feeling this since i turned 20. Nothing bad happening, yet i feel so devastated, and its hard for me to be happy on those days. I felt so unloved eventho others show me and tell me that they love me, i still wasnt feeling like im loved.
It’s amazing how everyone’s coping mechanisms are different. When I’m feeling stressed (I’m fine with work stress, schedule stress etc, but not emotional stress), I make a To Do list. It organizes and focuses me. If there’s too much on it, I start scheduling items out over time. Organization, feeling like I’m accomplishing things, helps me cope with the emotional stress that I have difficulty dealing with. However, it can also be that I use the list to not work on my emotional stress, so there’s that.
For me emotional flashbacks come in the form of dread, shame, self loathing, a sense of emptiness and helplessness, and looking out for the worst possible outcome. This is why it's better for me to be alone in this state because when others are around I feel obliged to mask it and try and support them, but they will usually pick up on my tension and unease.
Yeah .... the worst possible outcome has been haunting my thoughts since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. The dread. The shame and self-loathing are more in the voice (interject) of my supercritical ex husband ... the things he said.
@@busyant2944 I'm finding some rescue in NET (Neuro emotion technique), there's a simple exercise you can do (a few clips of it on TH-cam) that can help you self-regulate. Vagal nerve stimulation is also useful 👍
My emotional flashbacks are exactly how you describe it when I get triggered, mine are honestly like this volcano inside resurfacing over and over...like a sudden overwhelming flood of intense emotions that are so extremely easy to just react with anger and aggressiveness...I’m still working on trying to change my reaction and walk out of the room once I’m triggered or know I’m about to be triggered. It’s a very difficult thing to have to deal with..
How do you walk out of the room when the whole world feels unsafe. I have nowhere to go to cool down. Everything breaks eventualy, and the more I lash out at something the angrier I become. So I have to stop and turn it inward, or break everything. This is why I blame myself until I don't care, and get drunk. I know that is why I am just a useless alcoholic. That is why I cannot be helped. It is all my fault. If I just obeyed and don't drink, all of my therapist think I would be fine. I have tried for months at a time, but no one believes that I am still angry and depressed EVERYDAY, even after months of sobriety.
When I meditate I can sometimes see certain triggers move out. It's really cool.
Andrew Stuhrenberg this course is about learning to regulate those common reaction to CPTSD. I hope you are taking the course. Also, look into EMDR therapy. It has helped me in amazing, miraculous ways!
Shut down, shut up, isolate, withdraw until I can process. It's kept me alive and sane. A narcissistic relationship can shut you down and disregulated for 5+ years...that's why I've been single for the last 5 years. I knew something major just happened. It almost destroyed me. thanks for the content. I will heal.
I'm in a flashback right now! I just came out of the shower, I had some thoughts about my mom in the shower and I got a sudden anxiety. It continued when taking on some clothes. It was negative thoughts about taking a shower too long putting on the wrong clothes. I just had something to eat, it almost came up. It feels so strange in my body. Like a zombie. Every muscle is tight, headache, massive tiredness, dry mouth and heartbeat. I had it many many times, but just right now, because the trigger was a thought of my mom i think that it could be a emotional flashback.
Yes, yes. We get it! Please check out my video published today, Sep 15. It has tips for getting out of that faster!
I have a consistent morning routine and followed it for years. I’d say what can send me into an emotional flashback is when someone disturbs my routine or shatters my expectations. The holidays are particularly hard to navigate because of my family dynamics. While ignoring or minimizing me and my children throughout the year suddenly it becomes extremely important for us to commit to my moms dingbat plans. I really hate it. Even though I’ve done the internal work to find peace in my life and weed out toxic people my family still sends me over the edge. Whenever I get a out of the blue surprise expectations/demand it feels like I’m being assaulted and I go into a state of self protective anger. Sometimes it takes the form of aggressive venting to my kids or wife. Sometimes I grumble and do a slow burn. But absolutely what always back fires is trying to use reason and honesty to express my feelings to my family. You can talk all you want to people but if they are intent on misunderstanding you or don’t even speak anywhere near the same language it’s going to get you nowhere. My coping mechanism is to remind myself that I have power over myself and my actions, repeating the mantra “this is mine, that is yours“ helps. Luckily I have a kind hearted, patient wife who appreciates me and lovely children who inspire me to be a better example than I had growing up. If you can retrain your brain in the way it recognizes threats/negative stimuli, then you can learn how to pull yourself out of the emotional flashback before it bursts like a Fourth of July firework. Lastly, in my experience gauging expectations of others realistically is also very helpful. Sadly, most people will bumble through a life of frustration, surrender and alienation, Or what Thurber called “lives of quiet desperation“, but that doesn’t have to be you.
Well said. Sounds like you and me are living parallel lives. Your wife is a keeper as is my husband.
I have been having these for 7 years without knowing they had a name. I called it 'waking up with the sads' , it takes many hours sometimes to work through it, but the crying doesn't necessarily stop, some days it does, some it doesn't. It is so good to know there is a clinical cause and we are capable of creating new neural pathways with commitment and practice. Thank you so much for the info on this Anna.
You are so welcome! Props to Pete Walker, who cracked the code on this issue.
I always had to name it having a dark day.
@@feliciajenkins5458 I call it the "mean reds" totally uncontrollable, unlike the blues. I live alone now and have days of peace. I am 71 and it took me a long time and therapy (CBT) to get my feet under me. The best thing I found was an adult commitment to my faith.
There are many times, especially at night and in the morning, when I will ruminate about where my life is and suddenly I'm thrust into a scenario from my past. I either regret or feel unresolved about the particular memory and feel as though I'm reliving it--like I'm there in the present moment. I feel the full weight of the emotion, whatever it is. This always leaves me drained and pessimistic about who I am in my life.
Hmmm. I have made a ton of progress, but I do wonder whether taking chemical grade MDMA with a trained therapist would just resolve 10 years in an hour.
You know that feeling of overwhelm when you were a little kid and somehow, got lost from your parents in a crowd? They were nowhere to be seen, and as a tiny child you were completely vulnerable in a world of giants with no protection. That is the feeling of an emotional flashback for me; it is a melange of despair, panic, immanent death, and sheer terror.
As an adult, when you flashback to this young state, it is like you're a prisoner in your own body. Something triggered you, yet you don't know exactly what because the specific memory isn't there. Just a wave of emotions, that you try to make sense of but can't
Making distinctions between what is happening now and what isn't is just the kind of thing Anna's courses can help with
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omgosh yes 😭😭😭.... honestly I think that's why it was confusing for me to call it flashbacks because I don't see specific images but it does feel like all those times in my past comes back when I'm triggered.
My emotional flashbacks put me back in that mindset that I feel like I'm as helpless as I was when, as a child I'd be yelled at and berated as a child for hours on end, and all I could do to not make things worse was to sit there and take it quietly. at first I would cry, and then I learned its better not to, so I dissociated and got numb. it makes it so hard not to freeze up, it makes me dissociated, it makes me feel broken, like theres something wrong with me and nothing I do can fix me, like noone cares about me or loves me and I feel ashamed and like there is no escape in sight. Sometimes this can last days, it most often happens right after an argument, even if its small, or even just by someone ignoring me or making me feel like they don't hear me and I dont matter. Sometimes I just slip into it whenever I feel like I'm not being good enough or productive enough. I'm still working on pinning it down and understanding it, and it was only recently that I even admitted to myself that I do indeed have CPTSD and that this is an emotional flashback.
Thanks for sharing, glad you are here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have a similar experience!!
My emotional flashbacks leave me frozen and wanting to escape from somewhere, intense anxiety fills my stomach and can even make me cough /gag, I feel so helpless and all I can say is no over an over, I can't really stop it but usually how I cope during the flashback I try to tell myself I am okay and move my hands and feel my skin to try and ground myself I tell myself over and over that I am okay until it stops
That's a good coping mechanism to get through it, I suggest trying some exercises for when you aren't dysregulated as well, it helped me immensely with anxiety.
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
You just described exactly how I feel when I sense with my chronic hypervigilance my husband is starting to get angry with me. Instantly frozen to the spot afraid to move unable to speak coherently and so full of fear it’s as if the floor has dropped out from under me and I am in freefall.
My father was emotionally distant and prone to sudden rage attacks when he would slice anyone near him to emotional ribbons using his high intelligence as a verbal weapon and it was horrible. My mother was kind and caring but very codependent and absolutely could not handle this. I did whatever I could to get away and used to hide in my closet, trying not to move or breathe, hoping it would pass soon and I would have my regular Daddy back 😭
He left my Mom, my little sister and me when I was 13 and I was so full of hurt and rage I medicated myself with drugs throughout my teenage years just to numb the pain. Thank God I survived! Now I am 60 (I waited this long because I knew deep down that despite my best efforts I would marry someone who would become emotionally abusive. After many years of therapy and practicing drawing away from the dark side of toxic behaviors and friends, I know where these feelings are coming from. Yet still I have them and it’s awful. I have CFS, depression, anxiety for many years and now am developing autoimmune disorders.
I know this all stems from my primary trauma of Bad Daddy who is chronically abusive, then leaves just when you need him most. Oh, and I was Daddy’s girl, so that made it even worse. Not even sure why I felt compelled to write this, except to say to others who are suffering that I survived and have had many times of joy in my life.
I have hope that continued work on myself will bring improvement in my situation and I am noticing that earnest prayer and meditation daily helps a lot.
My dream is to find a place where my long lost creativity will blossom
and this will somehow help others 💖
Wow. I finally know where my "overwhelmedness" comes from. So helpful. Given my early life situation my subsequent need to do everything myself is perfectly rationale. No longer helpful...but rationale.
Yeah, the world is always glad to find women who will do everything...
synchromorph , I understand. Your words could have been my words. It’s somehow a little soothing to know I’m not alone and that my hypothesis about my cptsd isn’t me having a lazy brain or unwilling to work hard, or be consistently reliable and responsible. Always on time and prepared, ..not me. As I get older, I’m still single and childless.
synchromorph thank you for that. And in college I read Krishnamurti, the awakening of intelligence. I’d forgotten that quote. I will go and read him now.
Emotional flashbacks of abandonment, and of being taken advantage of have plagued me for years, and I had no idea that's what it was. Thank you so much for bringing dysregulation to light for me. You're a wonderful human. I can finally try a new approach.
Fabulous, glad you're here!
I experience emotional flashbacks too. I was at a church service recently during which the topic of father's day was on the agenda. The first speaker, a friend of mine quoted a long list of statistics about fatherless families and how they produced people who were incarcerated, suffered other similar catastrophes. I hate quoting statistics endlessly without presenting a deeper understanding in the way Anna does. I became totally deregulated, got up and walked out of the service. I felt a numbness and brain fog as well as an overwhelming sense of guilt for publically walking out of a church service. I felt a sense of abandonment for leaving my friends ...my dad was abandoned by his mother at 3 as a result of divorce. ..in 1925.
I spent the rest of the day trying to recover. I realize that for now, my church activities must amount to a daily practice regimen. I came to understand that my deregulation began the day before, due to fatigue and an abrupt change in the time services had been scheduled. I find that a consistent daily practice schedule is, for now, more important that strict church attendance. This amounts to a change in personal priorities, and is amazingly healing for me
I can't even believe this! I just told my therapist again how hard mornings are..here im thinking and grasping at straws trying to figure out why i ruminate so early with gut wrenching feelings of loss then tears and my brain scrambling to find where its coming from which memory or is it suppressed, and how frustrating it is to start a day that way...i needed this...im in a bit of shock right now and gratitude!!!
Wow. This is so helpful and empowering!
My emotional flashback is a feeling/belief that I am being excluded; that I am not wanted, not loved, not valued and included. I definitely wake up with this sometimes. I remember doing so as a kid, waking up to voices outside, happy voices connecting, and feeling like I wasn't a part of that. I'd feel very sad, and I'd resist getting up and walking into an extroverted environment that was occupied with things other than me and my feelings, because that would make me feel even more sad and alone. I always thought it was just my own problem, some kind of vague depression, but this video has me considering again what kind of specific trauma/s I might have had that would leave me feeling that way. I'm thinking it very likely that it was simply being left in a crib to cry alone. I don't remember it, but my mom didn't co-sleep with me, and I know I was in a crib early on, and it's pretty likely that I would have such feelings, as all babies will when separated from their mom, especially if crying and not being heard or responded to.
As an adult, I still often wake with a sort of emotional paralysis, a hopeless/helpless sadness, waiting for my husband to come and get me up in the morning. I'll lay in bed awake for an hour or more when I can. I think I want the reassurance that someone cares, more than I want to get up. It may also have a physical flashback element, my body literally being unable to get out of bed until someone comes, on their own timeline unrelated to my waking impulse.
For anyone relating to this, one thing I've tried that was rather wonderful when experiencing this paralysis, is imagine myself coming upstairs to lovingly get myself up, booming a cheerful greeting and giving myself a BIG loving hug. I only did it once, but it was very nice and helped me get up and feel less sad. I'm realizing that given the nature of trauma I may benefit from imagining this more regularly, maybe as a 5-second countdown visualization before launching out of bed.
I love and value you. Just because you’re a human being and worthy of this.
I totally relate with this comment. I believe I was neglected as an infant as well, not being held, looked at, talked to. And thanks for the tip. I’ll adapt and try it with my own situation.
I get emotional flashbacks. And I’ve been tormented by them for most of my life until I dealt with my traumatic childhood. Now I have the benefit of sensing them, so I don’t get as lost in them and end up emotionally drained. Mine come on when feeling a slightly perceived threat that usually isn’t there. Then I turn to rage as a defense.
Awareness is half the battle. Thanks for sharing this.
I honestly had no idea that what I was experiencing was an emotional flashback. I had never heard of it. I think I have two different types, the one you mentioned, the angry that things just don't stop and 'i have to do this and this and this but I just can't do it" and then another type where it's just an intense sadness not appropriate for the situation. Shopping for food in the grocery store? Bam. Got to stop, stare at the options, get overwhelmed, sadness kicks in and then I shut down.
This technique is a way forward: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I attend ACA and a friend of mine loaned me her copy of Pete Walker’s book. It’s like a bible to me now and now a couple of friends and my boyfriend all got the book. He and I use it pretty consistently and it’s FULL of pragmatic, useful, insightful information.
I came across your channel about 8-9 months ago, immediately subscribed, and I thank you so much for your pragmatism and sharing of experience. I now, because of your videos, use the 4th step inventory process when resentments come up, or even if I’m becoming agitated and need to root out greater understanding of what’s going on, what I’m believing and feeling, what part of me is being affected, and now to more compassionately respond to myself and my world. I’m also nine years sober through AA, and thankfully proficient in writing inventory. But it’s the daily and as necessary practice that’s having tremendous psychological and emotional healing for me.
Thank you also that your videos are not long winded.. you do a great job and I want to thank and encourage you.
Thank you thank you!!
Your friend in commonality and healing,
Amy
💞🙏🏼
PS..
For anyone else reading this, please begin, no matter how difficult, the process of meditation and writing daily.. these are vital tools to recovering from traumatic childhoods.. you are loved, you are important, your life matters.
May God bless you wherever you’re at!!!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment, Amy. It's really nice to meet you. Thanks for offering encouragement to others, too. The positivity is so valuable.
Amy Ludwig Please tell me what to write. Just whatever I feel when I wake up? What I hope the day will be like? My nightmares from the night?
Holy cow I knew I had ptsd but didn’t know about emotional flashbacks. I thought I was crazy sometimes. I really didn’t realize what was happening. It feels so in the moment that you don’t see how it can be ptsd. Just subbed.
cptsd*
I have CPTSD along with the attendant emotional flashbacks. The flashbacks happen all the time, I expect that I will always have them.
They have at times driven me to near suicide just to escape the emotional pain, but that level of flashback hasn't happened in a while.
The main reasons are that I'm aware of the flashbacks now when they happen, so recognition is important. When I do know one is happening,
I start going through Pete Walker's 13 steps to manage the flashback, starting with "I'm having a flashback". I usually only have to do a few steps,
usually the rejection of eternity thinking does the trick.
And as you've said you do, I start the day with a daily centering/grounding routine. I get up, let my dogs out to pee, make coffee and sit on the couch
for at least a half an hour meditating or listening to a guided meditation. I do this every day with out fail, it is the part of my life that everything
else orbits around. I try to remain present/mindful all of my waking hours, no shame or guilt if I don't.
Thanks for the videos, they do help. A lot.
What a great routine you've developed! And yes, Pete Walker's innovative work is world-changing. Like your acceptance around the flashbacks, while at the same time learning to calm them down.
It's all just starting to sink in now. What having CPTSD really means. I need to watch all your videos. Thank you.
Anna, wow, deja vu! That's it! That's what I do and my sister does, in the way of feeling crazy because we were going along having a good week or month, but then BAM! What the heck hit me?! And, "I thought I was doing pretty well lately, " or "I thought I was over this depression, so why do I feel so awful again?" That results in chronic disappointment in myself and/or others and/or life! Thank you for another big help! I get something every time I listen to you and I often mull it over, then go back and listen again! Thank you, God bless you!
God bless you too, Deb. We are forming a movement, you know.
My boyfriend struggles with CPTSD and emotional flashbacks and I just want to say your videos have helped me understand him and my own trauma. The way you explain it makes me also relate, and also understand how he feels as well. Thank you so much!
I'm really glad to hear that -- nice to know my work connects with you.
Idk for sure if I could have cptsd bc most of the time I feel fine but I know for a fact what you described is exactly how I feel during an emotional flashback. I don’t get them often, it’s usually only when I make a mistake. Instantly I start crying my eyes out, I feel stupid, ashamed and I just wanna hide away in my room for the rest of the day. That’s exactly how I’d react as a kid after my dad would lose his temper and yell at me for stuff that really wasn’t that big a deal.
i just woke up and had a very vivid dream about being jealous. In the dream I was jealous about an underling taking my boss' attention away from me (and I don't have a boss or an underling now LOL) . Jealousy is a HUGE trigger for me however THIS TIME I REALIZED IT WAS TRAUMA. I also understood here the feeling was coming from, and rationally wrote about it. I settled into understanding that they are not real - they are trauma. I did my DP and meditated and I feel ok . For me all these realizations are a miracle! HOO HOO!!
So great to hear! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
No one person holds the key to your recovery. Your perseverance is the most important thing. Wow, that's powerful stuff :) Your the real deal 🎯
I have this. Started with a hard childhood and contines into my adult life. I have life PTSD. Meaning...LPTSD, for me. I am definately learning so much from you on this channel! Thank you so very much!
Rosemarry Polack , more than any other phase of life, our childhood stays with us, providing a strong, stable foundation from which to handle the rough and tumble emotional attacks in our careers, friendships and romantic relationships. Or not.
I listened to this and cried. It explains so much about my emotional over reactions to things in my life. I quickly purchased the book on kindle and started reading, but found myself unable to connect it to myself as a child. Instead the guilt of what I passed on to my children and the mom I was/ wasn't has gripped me.
I gave my kids a disease. More shame, pain, and guilt....😭
Advice??
The Daily Practice is a great start bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes I can relate to these flashbacks. I've had them as long as I can remember. It really does affect my relationships especially with my daughter. I try to self soothe. Breathing, going in the hot tub, and distracting myself with TH-cam self help videos such as these. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't 😔
It's so great to hear there are others out there. Thanks!
Samantha Jane miraculous EMDR therapy! plus a course taught by someone who knows CPTSD from her life
experience is the only road to healing.
I write or sing or do some arts and crafts, it amazes me how quickly I can regulate when I write. Of course I watch all your TH-cam videos and follow all your insightful self help techniques writing down my fears and resentments works so well 🙂 thank you Anna for reminding me today that I can do this and I can stop the self doubt that creeps in and causes so much dis regulation ✌️💕🌸☀️🌈☀️🦋🧚♀️🙏🌟
Thanks Anna, that was really great! My biggest emotional flashback when i was married to a narcissist was the same as yours, mainly because if I asked him to help out around the house he woudl tell me to stop trying to control him! ha ha but now I'm divorced and my emotional flashback has gone back to the worry mode that i got into as a child. i decided when i was little, that I would worry about things nonstop. that way i would never forget something i needed to do. Sometimes i wake up and I'm already in worry mode, it's icky and causes me to get anxious. I have alot of work to do in the morning to take care of my elderly cats and give my dogs their meds , feed all of them, change the cat litter, give sub q fluids to one cat and then take the dogs out for a long walk on a desert trail. I have to say that taking care of 6 loving pets and getting out in the morning desert air ( unless its windy and dusty!} really grounds me and my worries usually dissolve.
OMG this is definitely ONE (of several) of mine! “I’m freaking out cuz I know I’ve got to take control because if I don’t then everything will be totally out of control.” And to be honest I cannot even pinpoint where or why it originated but I know that this panic has bombarded me throughout the majority of my adult life!
I'm glad you found your way here!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Anna, believe me when I say that I am glad, too. ❤️🌟❤️
This is so comforting to watch, your video just make my day since i feel overwhelmed today. I have been dealing with this for so long. I didnt get it why i can be so emotional over something that werent really matter much. My parents teased me bcs im so sensitive over stupid things. So many things can triggers me, watching family related movie, watching random kids who has a happy look on their face, or who were crying (i just couldnt it gives me intense sad and painful emotion as well) looking at my childhood picture, getting rejected, getting unresponded even they were merely didnt hear my tiny voice, and many things even the most mundane things. My family likes to watch the video tape of us back when i was still little sometimes. And i couldnt help to watch. Eventho those are just the happy moments. I would end up excuse myself to my room bcs i dont wanna be seen crying bcs it triggers me so much.
Aw, you are highly sensitive! Is it possible this is your natural way of being, or do you think it's trauma related?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy i am! And i knew eversince i was a kid my parents told me that im such a delicate person i get hurt and mad easily. But, i also have abandonment issues and few traumas in my childhood that makes my sensitivity goes wayy higher , sometimes a series of depression as well, now that im an adult. I didnt realized it until i read about cptsd and its really resonate well with me.
I'm 53 and still get visionary & emotional flashbacks , a song , a word can take me right back to 1 of those times that broke me . I didnt realise I was Dysregulateing & I can remember other times from years ago . We had went a 2 week holiday.
By the end of that holiday I was totally stressed to the max , ready to burst into tears at every turn ! When we got home I went into hyper mode speaking about the holiday for hours and racing as I spoke of it negatively, next day my husband and I walked around this same bit for atleast 3 hours till I started to feel a little bit of me Sadly my husband of 30 years passed in 2010 . Less than a year later our oldest son . Incarcerated and set right up. Yes I have a problem with authority. I tried getting a lawyer but they all stick together (its a big club and we r not in it : said by George Carlin. Its took me a lot of years to recognise some signs and build my confidence from scratch after my husband passed. My doctor said to me " Take it 1 day at a time !, I said " I will be better taking it 15 minutes at a time " I was so scared to look any further . Ofcourse this is 11 years now down the line . We are forever a work in progress. We mature like fine wines .
Keep the faith and trust in you.
Thank you Anna 🌹💐
15 minutes at a time, I like that! If that's how it has to be, so be it. Glad you are here
-Cara@TeamFairy
3 minutes into this, i broke down in tears. I was amazed at just how perfectly you described my mornings right before work. I get scared, god only knows how many flashbacks I get in a day, definitley around 10. Yes, thats 10 every single damn day. I hate my life
Oh no! Time to start healing that! Have you checked out my courses? courses.crappychidhoodfairy.com
THANK YOU!!!! You have put into words what I have struggled to try and explain to people in the past. Why are you angry? Why are you so scared? Why can't you stop crying?
Because of decades of abuse and being told feelings aren't allowed. Childhood abuse doesn't stop at 18 when you are still surrounded by the abusers. I didn't start healing until the primary abusers died. For me those emotional fashbacks are often accompanied by the voices of my abusers or really fun one! my mind palace being attacked and wrecked visually by the tornado of thoughts and feelings having a temper tantrum in it.
So sorry, @Victoria_Foley. I'm so glad you're here! Healing is possible!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you know it's ok
I am finally in the best place. I'm 5yrs out of the prison of agoraphobia after 10yrs.
It's hard but I got this!
You are going to be a great help.
I shared this show with my friend Marie who aside from being a touch ocd seemed fine to me. We spent an hour talking about how she saw herself in every word you said.
We'd say you're an angel
Oh dear, I din't know that what I've been experiencing my whole life is an emotional flashback. The same paralysing feeling when my emotionally abusive mother screamed and yelled at me when I was a kid.
I recently realised that when this feeling comes, I can regain focus by asking myself "am I safe, is anyone trying to hurt me right here right now"
I hope you find some tools that work for you in this community
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'd never realised the feeling I have on a "bad day" (or 4🙄) is ... exactly the way I'd feel when id done something 'wrong' and my mother's bf would get angry😳 ... Palaysis is right. Terror, another word! Thank you, for the valuable insight🙏
*Also, thank you for the tip to snap back out of it! Very effective, and better than just "am I safe?" More grounding.
It’s usually a word that I hear that triggers me. Or i wake up like this. And I’m most often overwhelmed by a horrible sadness. Hopelessness. I can’t cheer up. I
Try this: crappy-childhood-fairy.teachable.com/
This was brilliant - before I wake up I hear the voice in my head telling me everything that I haven’t done, don’t do and how I am being taken advantage of and will have to do everything myself.
I have heard too many times to ignore- I knew it was going to be an argument as soon as I saw the mood you were in when you woke up...
Then instead of copping to it- I deflect and deny then shame spiral. I feel like an out of control monster. I also dismissed these feelings because there was no clear “ picture” attached to it... but the language of an emotional flashback makes so much sense.
These episodes would generally occur after my partner was drunk or a chaotic evening. And I beat myself up for not standing up for myself and appeasing it becoming dysregulated.
Thank you so much for sharing and giving such great examples.
Thank you. We both owe a debt to Pete Walker for defining the concept of an Emotional Flashback. Just knowing what it is and naming it can make all the difference!
Wow. This has so doubly confirmed the PTSD flashbacks I experience. Recently I had palpitations, fluttering of the heart. I feel that when I'm in an anxiety episode it's impossible to get myself out of it. It was also triggered by a relationship gone bad. Difficult to do anything. Have realized a lot of things, recognised emotional symptoms of childhood trauma. Made bad choices with relationships. Now I procrastinate and trying to figure out why. I feel like I want to make up for lost time and achieve some things at the age of 58. Recently visited mother again who is a very difficult character and who badly neglected my emotional needs of needing to feel protected and safe from my father during childhood. She refused to accept and continued emotionally abusing me to boot, creating a toxic bond that for years I was unable to detach from. Struggle to let go and get on with my life, kind of feeling stuck. Sloppy meditator, yet know this will help. Wonder whether it's a fear of succeeding or being deserving of good things in my life. I so want to change all this, get the negative past out of my head.
From one sloppy meditator to another, don't worry too much about getting it right! If you haven't yet, please check out my free "Daily Practice course on my website. The writing method I teach really helps prepare for an easier meditation.
This has spoken to me so much. All of this information about PTSD online is so therapeutic and relatable to me as someone with c-ptsd. Thank you so much.
Isn't it great? The internet is fueling transparency and peer learning. Things are moving forward so much faster!
I'm 65 years old when I was younger I would have flashbacks about being abused in a particular place. I called them whiteouts I would be teleported back to that incident, then wake up almost like a mini stroke. Now what causes emotional internal rage when people disregard my experience as being non-believable which feeds on my autonomy versus shame and doubt. Further diminishing a sense of self it's taken me 65 years to figure out I don't have to be around those kind of people, nor do I have to explain to anyone how I feel.
I'm almost permanently in this state of "flashback" to one of a thousand different unknown things from the past. I'm nearly 50 but have only just begun my journey to some sort of healing from CPTSD. The reason being being that the mental health services "missed it" until now...... so much anger towards the NHS, useless bunch of dossers.
I've been in a relationship with a man with cptsd and I didn't even know the term existed until after I met him, I had heard of PTSD but I didn't know there was childhood post-traumatic stress disorder because I had never met anyone who had it anyway I'm so glad that I've come along your videos, Your videos are so helpful to me. My loved one wakes up dysregulated and he's had a certain way of coping with it that actually causes me a lot of distress and causes a lot of tension in the house. But with your videos I've been able to understand him and cope with the stress that living with someone with this disorder causes. Things are getting a lot better day by day. Thank you so much for all the work you put into this channel and I look forward to your boot camp and courses and in the future I think me and my partner will both be taking them .thank you so much🙏🙏🙏🙏
Have you considered making a video for people close to someone with cptsd to help them understand them better? That would be amazing.
I didn’t realize other people experienced this. I wake up often feeling anxious and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl out of my body and other times I’m totally paralyzed! I honestly thought I was going crazy over the years and there was no hope! I woke up anxious today with an accelerated heart rate and don’t no why? AGAIN! I’ve done my daily practice and trying to get myself together for the day. I am on day 7 of the boot camp for dysregulation. You are inspiring and so generous with your knowledge…. I’m so beyond grateful for the algorithm of you tube!
One more thing. I’ve been doing your daily practice for two weeks. This has done for me then any other class/therapy/group/program I’ve tried. And it’s been a twenty yr journey, I finally feel like someone gets me. That there is a way. I’m not sure if this makes sense but I feel like myself. I’ve never felt that
“Self””Or at least not for a period of time like it’s been for the past week. I no I will have hiccups but for today I’m hopeful! Your a blessing to me ❤️
Thanks so much for being here, and for your work in the course. you are making a difference in your own life, and in the lives of all who connect with you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I just bought the book by Pete Walker! Xo
I didn't believe I have CPTSD because I don't experience flashbacks, but just realized I experience this all the time
This sounds so familiar. I burn myself out, even if i really don´t have anything important to do that day. Thank you for your work! Your work really made me understand this and now I´m doing the daily practice every day. Huge shift has happened, even though not easy.
This is great to hear! Thanks or telling me that.
You saved my teenager's ass today! Thank you. I was just about to beret my daughter regarding the trash. I realize that she is spacing out bc she is about to visit her father in another country. Now after your videos I did a 180 realizing she is acting adhd bc of some emotional flashback. (and me too!!) I did your mediation. Now I will handle her with love and compassion. And myself too. THANK YOU!
I feel so validated. I am realizing RN that I spent the past 2 weeks in this state after a triggering event (I suspect it’s another traumatic event, but can be hard to ID or admit that while you’re still in the midst of that and trying to just get through). I thought it was my depression, but it felt far too agitated and I realize that my CPTSD was at least part of the picture. I’ve been having an emotional flashback. It makes sense now. Sad, but makes sense.
Living in small home with my daughter and 2 young-adult grandsons, 4 people attempting to recover from c.p.t.s.d. at the same time. The idea of my daily "anxiety attacks" as flashbacks is captivating. I fight to not feel devalued and marginalized by their inability to do much of anything for themselves. So encouraging to know, "having to do everything" panic is common. We're gradually moving forward, thankyou for helping me feel better!
WOW- just, wow. I have heard about these but until this video, could not get a good definition of what it actually is. This story is my story- I have intense anger over the lack of help I get, it is so out of proportion with reality. If the kitchen is messy when I get home, omg watch out. I freak out- some days are far worse than others. My partner does not understand and thinks I am just being a bitch. I make lists all of the time, and I put them off until the last minute then go frantically about it. I am a mess when this happens, I cannot think to properly prioritize and feel like I am lost. I had no idea that this was an emotional flashback- but holy hell it makes so much sense now. Thank you.
I wake up really angry sometimes, already hating the world and the people in it even if I've been having good days or had a good day the day before.
This is wonderful. I have nightmares and i always get confused because its not flashback from my memories. They are all based on my trauma and give me the same feeling but it is not a actual event from my memories. It’s almost as is my brain creates dreams out of my worst fears, trauma, and feelings.
Glad you found us! Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Mine are sometimes when I wake up or triggered by something unrelated in my everyday life, or I’ll have memories from some trauma and then it like taints my brain whether I’m thinking about it or not. Can be hours or days later. I have shame flashbacks like I’m not good enough feelings/thoughts, I hate myself thoughts, rage, sadness, loneliness, and REJECTION. Omg that one is the worst bcuz I have BPD too and imagined or perceived rejection will not only start a snowball (in one now) but it will cause me to split on people, get totally dysregulated , get paranoid sometimes, and then if I don’t get a handle on it, I can do unhealthy things to numb out. I’m in an emotional flashback rn and it suckkkkks
It's been 7 months but I hope you're doing ok ❤️
Feels Good Man thank u for the love wow ❤️ I’m doing so much better and learning learning. Trauma work is tough but it’s worth it and I’m actually believing that for the first time ever!
Thank you & all who support you. I appreciate your kindness, knowledge & understanding. I acknowledge things & rarely speak of it. Gloss over alot, undermined my true self, kept to myself...to smoking cigerettes. Way i dealt with it over the years- listening, having a mum not biological for a short time (Doreen has passed on), eventually boundaries, walking away & talking about it later, walking, traveling. I usually pat myself on my back with good food out once a fortnite. Being organised, not worrying about mistakes rather do solutions
Great! Thanks for sharing!
I am 65. Recent i discover more about me and my childhood. I thought i was disregulated because i am traumatized 4y ago that my relationship ended. I start to think now i have been my whole life in a survive mode. I thought i was oke and intelligent enough, i do everything alone to make my life as good as possible... as a child i felt lonely sometimes. Growen up i felt different often then others. Got married young, 3 Kids all growen up, divorced, relationship later also, 2 man who have been addicted... the last one was the love of my life, but sad enough got addicted to alcohol and cocaïne... i have been working so hard to make him to change his behaviour... but now i know some time ago i have to choose for myself. But still have moment i can cry suddenly while i felt before oke. I want to decorate again my house, but it feels i look up to a big Mountain. Knowing i have to do it all by myself... (although my youngest offert). Sometimes i feel depression, started to think maybe because of my age the feeling there is not much time left !
I know that feeling is wrong, but it feels like everything has no sense. I blamed it due to the relationship i miss.... i am now on a path i discover more and more things wich i never knew before about my past and why i am like i am.... i thought i was oke and strong enough in life. Weird is this
So glad that you are on this path! There is a lot to come for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
To hear you explain so clearly what has been happening to me for years is incredible! I’m encouraged because someone understands and has answers! Thank you!
You are so welcome- I know what a relief it is to know there's a name and description for this condition!
I feel so validated. These are all things I’ve done with CBT and therapy for depression and anxiety, but my disregulation was completely thrown off when we first began sheltering in place.
This makes so much sense why I always feel like I have way too much to do in the morning. I had put a routine in place, but understanding the reason is going to be so much more helpful!
thanks for watching & commenting :)
I highly recommend! Because she has been there, you’ll be amazed at the help she offers for a seemingly impossible, seemingly incurable, incomprehensible hold on your life. It is amazing to hear her put into words simply what I’ve suffered with my whole life . Only a fellow CPTSD person can understand the whole complicated situation. She understands and knows how to help. I have to also recommend EMDR therapy. It is nothing short of a miracle treatment for ptsd. The crappy childhood fairy’s insight helps one recognize more clearly what needs the EMDR healing.
Yeah they're not fun. I go fight or flight. I disconnected from my body at 11 for protection. Seemed to put my emotions on delay. The more I'm grounded into my body the more flashbacks I get. Good though because I'm getting present to fully recover. Thanks for sharing and being of service to humanity.
I admire how strong you are! What amazing and truly inspiring healing you have done! Thank you for your wonderful videos. ❤️
Thank you very much, appreciate you!
I do this constantly and I had no idea it had anything to do with my CPTSD. Most mornings I wake up around 6 or 7 and my brain immediately starts building my to-do list for the day. Without even trying, it's just automatically the first thing I think of whenever I wake up. I used to do this all the time where I'd start cleaning the kitchen around 7:30 or 8 and if my husband was still in bed I'd just become outraged and overwhelmed with this feeling that I have to do everything myself. I'd start slamming cabinets and loudly taking plates out of the dishwasher until he eventually woke up. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize what I was doing until he'd come in the kitchen and ask if everything was okay. We've talked about it and it's something I've been working on and have gotten much better about, but I'm glad that I know the source of it now. Every time that would happen and the feeling passed I would have this wave of shame wash over me because I remember my mom doing the same kind of things with my dad and the last thing I want to do is end up like her. This video has helped me out so much, thank you!
Thanks for sharing this with me @Ashley. It helps me too to know how common it is.
Does complex PTSD have to be from childhood abuse? Can long-lasting trauma from early adulthood result in CPTSD and emotional flashbacks?
Does not need to be from childhood abuse. CPTSD comes from chronic intense stress. This is often childhood trauma, but can be other things. In any case, if the symptoms fit, my approach can help.
I am taking what I learn from you to my therapist so she can learn to better help others with CPTSF as well!
I just started to understand that I was having these behaviors I knew I had ptsd but I didn’t know what it really looked like or that I may have been causing it to my own child until me and my last boyfriend had sabotaged our love because we both have ptsd and pushed each other far away.. he said I woke up ready to fight I didn’t understand that until I saw this video.. I’m healing and learning and know I can get better this is the beginning of a Better life 🙏❤️ Thank you
WOW.?. Ive only discovered this site and CPTSD 2 days ago...For me an emotional flashback feels/looks like a 110 electrical shock when two wires are sparking/shorting out.?. Sometimes it might look like a 220 electrical short.?. However on a bad day it feels more like a 440 ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION.?. sending this tidal wave of energy throughout my entire body, cutting off the logical thinking part of the brain 🧠 becoming so overwhelmed/enraged I don't know what to do with myself.?. THANKS FOR THE VIDEOS
I have found it very helpful to keep a journal & write out exactly how I feel even if I throw away what I've written
Well you'd fit right in with those of us doing my Daily Practice! Hope you check it out over on my website. crappychildhoodfairy.com
Im in a bad day. Ty for your voice....soothing
I usually wake up and read some ol' webtoon comics before I go to school to help me relax and not feel overwhelmed with anything
I love simple solutions!
I hate living with complex PTSD and the flashbacks. I get extremely emotional and feel a lot of sadness like I don't want to go on anymore. I quit alcohol over two years ago and quit other things I assumed messed with my mental health yet I know the complex PTSD is taking over as I'm so isolated and then go back to the sadness of wondering why I would lose friendships because I have suffered a lot. 😞💔
I can relate to your story, im always been such an unenthusiastic melancholy person eversince i was a kid. I thought it was just my characteristics. And when i was 20, it hit me like crazy. I can be so bitter harsh and very emotional on some days. I would woke up feeling heavy on my chest and feel a painful emotion even there wasnt anything bad happened. There are days where i hate everything and felt a great despair i just wanna shut down from the world. I push my friends and family away and spending all my time alone which just worsen it. I feel so unloved and unhappy eventho ive been shown and told that they love me, but still deep down i believe they dont. Its suffocating. I wonder why would i feel so unhappy when things are going great. Thank god i discover this, at elast im not gonna blame it all of this weird feelings to myself as i used to which really makes me feel shitty and self loathing. Were in this together, i believe there will be time in the future where we would see this story as our history behind which shapes us into the stronger version of ourself. One day, we will make peace with our past trauma. I'll pray for both of us ❤
I also wake up with dread, too mentally overloaded. I'm daydreaming about a retreat...I've always liked that word "Retreat"..., just recently realized maybe it should be a To-do goal
Retreats are wonderful. They're a good place to do the Daily Practice I teach, because "stuff comes up" when it's calm and quiet all around.
I didn't know it was possible to live without emotional flashbacks. You are describing pretty much my every waking moment for years
it can get a lot better! Try my free course, if you're ready. You'll find it at https;//crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks I will have to look at it. I got better for about a month and a half after Christian inner healing counseling but then an incident triggered me again
These Emotional Flaskbacks are the worst !!! Thank you Ms. Anna !
I have many times woken up panicked or deeply saddened and it has taken me hours before to start “regulating” if I can even call it that. Also sometimes during the day it just happens that I’m pissed or upset or scared and panicked seemingly for no reason. I do think I also lash out at people for it.
This is great way to start off day
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
I get like this. There will be days, sometimes it’s for no reason and other times it’s because the anniversary of a certain trauma is coming up, I feel myself become very hopeless and feeling like I can’t escape even though I don’t have any need to escape. I find it very helpful to say my feelings out loud. I don’t have to do anything about it, but when it happens I also feel like a nervous energy building on my chest. The act of speaking even if it is extremely difficult to do so, helps me feel like the energy is being released. I’m still working on figuring out what to do when I’m having physical flashbacks with no emotions tied to it in the moment. I can be fine one day and the next my chest or my stomach hurts so bad I can barely move. When I hurt like that someone always “forces” me to go to an emergency room but they always tell me the same thing. The pain is stress related or My sickness was probably caused by stress. I often wonder if this happens to others who have cptsd or if that’s some random thing that happens on top of my having cptsd.
This does sound like an extra harsh version of a common phenomenon. That would be good news if you are "somaticizing." It means you can "un-somaticize."
THANK YOU!
My previous therapist dismissed the terrible upheavals I was having as non-traumatic because they weren't visual replays. "General" therapists with no specialisation in trauma aren't sufficiently aware of its complex, hidden forms. My experience falls through the cracks of the standard symptom catalogue for PTSD. Since we normalise and generalise our backstory so much anyway, I couldn't imagine there was a way I could be traumatised by something as "normal" as constant neglect, uprooting and violence. I could have been saved from so much agony (in my adult life, at least!) had I only been given a clue! I intuitively sensed that I needed help and kept trying to get therapy, but after two virtually "resultless" short-time treatments for what was assumed to be a mood disorder, I kept earning deferrals from confused non-specialised professionals who mistook parentalisation for stability. It's hard. The coping mechanisms we have developed since the dawn of our memories are a real hindrance in trying to get help.
I know what you mean. It's a very big deal -- life changing -- that we're figuring this out now and we'll be here to guide others who notice something's wrong with them, but can't seem to find help that works.
This may not be applicable but I have flashbacks where I’ll remember a traumatic event in my childhood and my face begins to reflect the emotions I felt in that situation. I start to talk internally about the memory and I can feel myself sinking back into the feelings of the past. As an almost graduated (BSW) social work student who want to counsel children, I find it fascinating to learn about this disorder and how to combat it. Thank you for your videos. It explains a lot about myself and my family as well.
Anna I love your last name it makes me laugh but in a nice way. Anyway, I just learned from you that what I am experiencing are emotional flashbacks. Also the best thing for me to use to combat them is positive self talk. I don’t know exactly when it started happening exactly, I think it started after I had a five year emotional tug of war with someone who I later found out is a narcissist that I started to tell myself I am worthless. Life was too hard everything was happening not according to my plan and I decided to stay down instead of fighting. After doing this for years I developed anxiety and depression. Luckily my therapists and my nephew helped me see the good in me and I started talking positive to myself which boosted my self confidence and has me on the road to recovery which I know is very long.
I love simple solutions like this. And yes, I love my last name too, especially when people mispronounce it as "Rinkle" or when spellcheck thinks what I'm trying to say is "rankle". Both apt.
I do have a lot of things I do that I think help to self-regulate. In the evening, I keep the lights dim and soothing in my home, and spend time hanging with my cats. In the morning, I usually give myself at least an hour to drink coffee and read in bed before starting my day. I also have decided to limit my Facebooking. I only get on FB while I am on the train. None at home because I end up not being able to stop and getting really worked up!
Thank you @Meredith Anderson. I love hearing the real-life stories of how people do this. Totally agree about Facebook. Love/hate. A lot of people find the Fairy stuff there so good. But the ratio of mean to helpful comments is WAY higher than here on TH-cam, where it's almost zero.
Boy is this me.... i thought for the longest time that everyone did this because i had been having emotional flashbacks my whole life.. thanks for the tip to do morning routines... i wake with this feeling doom like someone’s going to die but i dont know who or something bad is about to happen.. it has robbed me of so much productivity and time. It is tragic. i have dealt with it in the past by self talk.... i would ask myself... what is it that you are afraid of right minute and then i would do self soothing talk and get outside. Going outside helps me... get in the sunshine. Go for a bike ride or walk it puts me in back in peace...
The doing it on the good days is something I'm trying to get a hang of. ♥️🌻
Thanks for this video, it's helped me greatly to understand why I feel the way I do. With COVID I've been stuck in my childhood home, and it's absolutely wrecked my state of mind, even though now it's just the past I'm struggling with
Yes, this isolation is helping us see what's lurking, isn't it!
THANK YOU for talking about this! I never experienced an emotional flashback until about a year ago. However, my CPTSD was developed as an adult and was a result of a traumatic and abusive relationship. It's only been triggered in the context of romantic relationships, but I've completely dissociated and done and said things I never would have normally done. These flashbacks are just like I experienced the trauma at the time and I get to relive it all over again.
I am with you!
Yes. You might like my dating/releationships course. It's all about this. crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses
Anna, after watching your many videos, I feel like I have an understanding mentor in you. I am taking your dysregulation bootcamp now - best ever. I have been having a great week. I am reading Pete Walkers book on CPTSD and The Body Keeps the Score, as you recommended. I tear up a lot, but it is refreshing cleaning out the cobwebs. The bootcamp is excellent...and affordable. This video was enlightening! Thank you for taking the step to help others as you have helped yourself.
Thanks for this beautiful message. you are doing all good things. You cannot help but make happy progress!
This is interesting. I've never told anyone this. I'm 52 & for as long as I can remember, I've had this very strange feeling/memory I can't explain that comes & goes at random times. It was more often when I was young. I kind of 'see' myself when I'm preschool age & I kind of 'see' a strange kaleidoscope image & the little kid/I feels dizzy. It's always felt like a flashback, but nasty & has always left me feeling strangely unsettled & I never knew why. A trauma I cant remember, but my body's kept the score. Thank you Anna.
Oh, this knowledge is gonna save my life. Thank you!
Glad to hear it!
Dissociation has been my unwelcome friend my whole life.
Meditating with the Lord Jesus in prayer...listening to Christian music...yoga and breathing exercises and walks in nature help a great deal.
Thank you so much! This has happened to me for as long as I can remember. I've never known why until now!
I'm a single mum of two teenage boys. Some days I wake up feeling like I have a weighted blanket on me & I can't move or get out of bed. There's this dull buzzing in my veins and the 'blanket' stays on even when I finally get up.
If I arrive home with that feeling after a busy day and something simple like the washing up hasn't been done I go into this rant about it that I can't stop, even when I know it's happening. What confuses me is that when my sons say "Sorry mum. We'll do it now" it makes me worse! I feel like the 'vein bees' are now angry, hot hornets who've found their way into my head as well, and I need to do something active to calm them down. So I end up doing the chore anyway.
My poor boys must have been so confused for so many years. For about a year I haven't said anything much when this happens because I hate myself so much when I yell, but occasionally I slip.
Thank you for giving me a strategy to deal with this! Your advice is priceless 💝
Please say something to your sons to explain that it’s not their fault because they are probably blaming themselves!
@@jenniferlu7649 thank you. I explain it to them every time, but I could finally show them something tangible as to a reason why it happens when I saw this. They understand now and don't think it's their fault anymore. Now they know it's my fault.
My body tenses up and my mind starts to make up imagery scenarios revolving around people saying mean things behind my back. Or if I overhear a conversation and then laughter, I automatically feel like they're laughing at me and I become overly critical of every move I make.
I'm actually in the middle of one right now at the time of writing this comment and I feel a sense of embarrassment, shame, frustration with self, sadness, and self-hatred. Not to mention I can be a perfectionist.
It's pure torture...
The Crappy Childhood Fairy website offers courses designed specifically for calming our triggers and jump starting healing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for existing Anna!!
Thanks! Those are potent words that make me honestly glad to exist.
Wow. Your videos are so enlightening. I relate so much to this video. I never knew about emotional flashbacks but now that I have seen this I recognize that I have them often. Thank you for all if your videos. You are amazing.
I have found that a daily yoga practice is vital to managing my emotional symptoms.
I totally get these emotional flashbacks at work and on the weekends. For a while I would get up and just go to a 12 step meeting every Saturday and Sunday morning or I wouldn't be able to get out of my own way.
I was doing the inventory and meditation for a while and I'd really like to start doing it every morning as soon as I wake up.
Oh good. Have you found the course where I organized the daily practice better? crappy-childhood-fairy.teachable.com
You hit the nail on the head. Omg. I never got this piece of the puzzle. I cried watching this. Nothing fixesthe feeling. Nothing make sense some days, where I can take a good day and make it bad. Now it makes sinc I felt this way yesterday, why is it all on me. Now I get it.
So glad you are here.
Hello, I really relate to a lot of this, but I don't have PTSD, however I do struggle with OCD, so the fears, ruminating, and waking up with intense fear and dread is very relatable to me. I also become very fearful and emotional when my partner does anything, even something little the reminds me of something an ex has done, and my ex had bad intentions.
Interesting, thanks for sharing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Beautifully explained. Thank you for all your love ❤
Omg- I had no idea there was such a thing! This explains so much!
So glad you watched it!
I totally relate, I live with those flashbacks all the time, and try so hard, so much, to resolve the issues in a reasonnable, sensible manner, but sometimes I get stuck and can't move forward, I'm paralized in the face of adversity. The most frustrating is others, the so-called friends, who don't want to understand, or if they don't understand, don't want to just listen and accept without judging what I'm going through. People are plain mean, they leave you if you're not this upbeat, strong woman who's always in control. I end up with less and less friends because I don't keep company with selfish, self-centered people.
Montreal Artlive - I agree with you - but that is the way most people are in life I have found. Most people want to take far more than they want to give. Sad. I can no longer be the unconditional limitless giver to everyone. They will drink me dry. Been there, done that. No more. I'm better off with my dogs and my art.
Thanks @@tracybrown4941 . You're so right about most people wanting to get the most, or at least something out of you. Maybe because they're afraid of the uncertainty of life, nothing is ever for ever .... That's why i go solo, solo through my newfound life, solo on my art journey, not looking to others for support or aprouval, they're all jealous anyways. I'm pretty good at spoting jealousy and envy ever since one day I realized my mother was insanely jealous of me as a little girl. Never better helped than by your own caring self. What type of art do you do ? I'm a contemporary realist painter. Cheers !
@@borealiswan2363 Agree with you. I have a few different mediums I like. Oils, acrylics and water colors. I like landscapes, wildlife, abstracts and anything that plays with concepts of sacred geometry and the golden mean. I really like fluid pour projects. I love color and patterns found in nature. Mostly, I just love to get lost in the creative flow. Need to get back to it. Been in the process of a life changing move and art has been on the back burner. Need to get back to it. It is where I find my peace and center. I'm mostly a fall and winter painter. Rest of the year is typically spent on other hobbies - there are many, many hobbies for me. I am most content when creating.