Why is it Hard to Love Yourself?

Self-compassion can be hard to give ourselves, and there are some deeper reasons for this that relate to unconscious imprints (or fears) held in our subcortical brain.
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If you are someone who has tried to develop a positive, kind relationship with yourself, and yet find it almost impossible to do, then it is likely that somewhere in your deeper brain (subcortically) there is a learning or association that has coded self-compassion as dangerous. While this may sound surprising, it is actually incredibly common. There are many examples where the brain might learn that to value one's self will lead to danger. Think of a child learning that if they stand tall, they will target further abuse. Or perhaps that if they allow themselves to 'take in' that they don't deserve the abuse (or mistreatment), that they will have to become conscious of their parents' failures (which kid's can't let themselves become aware of--even if it means having to blame themselves). These kinds of unconscious associations or 'schemas' (that valuing ourselves will lead to danger) can block all of our conscious attempts to develop self-compassion, making it difficult to let go of shame, self-judgement, or our harsh inner critic.
00:00 Our Deeper, Unconscious Fears of Self Love
05:05 Common Fears About Loving Ourselves
07:03 How to Address these Unconscious Fears
09:11 An Example of an IFS Approach to Working with Shame
The views expressed on this channel and by Dr. Tori Olds should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information is provided solely for informational and entertainment purposes. You should always consult with your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.