I've been friends with a bpd for 15 yrs when I look back it's been a nightmare full of let downs, stress, lies, secrecy and attention seeking and jealousy, I tried for 15 yrs to help them continuously but it never ever ever changes they are exhausting... My advice would be run for the hills
Sean -DURHAM UK I know this was written a long time ago. I met the lady I knew working with her... she was really unstable at the time. Mental health runs through my family and coming from a dysfunctional background/ naive /uneducated on conditions /trying to rescue everyone.. I become friends with her... she was constantly threatening suicide.. abusing meds, self harming, I believed her when she said her parents disowned her etc.. until one day it went to far and she ended up in itu on Xmas day. I lost it.. and screamed at medics to keep her in a mental health facility. to get proper help. Unbeknown to me I pushed her toxic behaviour underground.. I thought she’d stabilised. She was still socially awkward, manipulative etc but I thought I’d controlled it to a level that was acceptable. She had her own place but she’s never go home.. so she watched my daughter whilst I worked shifts... I had a toxic brief relationship that when it ended made me read on mental health issues and I started to recognise her behaviour that facilitated a breakdown in my relationship with my daughter. When she felt the shift in my friendship with her she split and totally planned a full on let’s destroy her attack... she wanted to run off with my girl. Went to friends, tried to convince everyone I was abusing my daughter. It was like living in a nightmare.... people stopped talking to me, my daughter who is an A grade student believed I was doing these things... it was the most unbelievable things I’ve every experienced and I’ve been through a lot in life! Police were involved in the end. I can’t turn back time but I’ve changed... my relationship with my girl had been so damaged I’m not sure it can be repaired. This woman was like a mother to her.. and she managed to alienate her from me. I know I’ve just blurted this out here.. excuse me as I just needed too. I’m trying to understand her behaviour but I’ve been left with a bitter taste in my mouth because this involved my girl..: My point of all this is.. I’d rather have had a run in with a sociopath/ psychopath than her. With them there seems to be easier definable behaviours. She never wanted help.. she just wanted meds.. she was in enough to knock an elephant out.. she wasn’t just mentally ill she was evil. I can’t get my head around the fact I didn’t flutter an eyelid when inviting her to my table..
Thanks Annette and Alexia, it is my pleasure to be of help to your family and to work with Alexia and others toward healing, recovery, and creating a healthier dynamic in your family, over time. Thanks for dropping by here and expressing your kind words.
Thank you for humanizing mental disorders. I keep beating myself up for being floored and not healthy like others. But such a relief to hear we're not all so different and its not all my fault ❤❤❤❤
S s You are very welcome. They need to be much more humanized because mot so-called "mental disorders" go back to trauma. There is the fallacy out there that "these people" are all "mentally ill" and the ones judging that then arbitrarily feel superior and falsely "better than". It's just not true. It is confirmation and consensus biases to name but a couple.
@@survivingBPDbreakup this is the first video I have heard you state your a recovering -BPD. So you're coming from a place of quite a bit of authority to speak on owning behaviors and learning to stay with in some sort of healthy areas of emotional regulation. You've put in the work! 💗
@@wendi2819 I am not "recovering" I recovered fully in 1990 as measured by the very talented amazing therapists I had. I took the journey from lack of self, lack of identity, struggling with the awareness impairment that meant I didn't feel responsible or accountable for my actions all the way back to finding myself, owning my behaviour, taking personal responsibility and accountability etc. I did put in the work and for 35 years of my life I haven't had any BPD symptoms whatsoever. I have long term friends, a loving partner, and maintain my work etc.
@@survivingBPDbreakup That's even better!!! I hesitated to state fully recovered because the most popular consensuses I've found are on a spectrum from no one recovers ever-to-syptoms can be managed in recovery. So my sincere apology. Yes, affirm boldly, I am recovered! It gives everyone else a trailblazer, not unlike Marsha Linehan and others who you and they need to affirm, through ownership and hard work, I am an overcomer! Yey!
I tried for 1 yr 3 months. He couldn’t stay in therapy. His mood dis regulation burned me over and over. It came outta of left field and he would bring issues up over and over that were already discussed months prior. He wouldn’t stay on topic a bring issues that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He couldn’t implement the changes needed even though he had great insight. Exhausting. I had to block and vanish into the nether.
Thank you AJ. It's great and so validating to hear you say not all the blame of a relationship failing/struggles is on the one with BPD. I have BPD, and have been working very hard in DBT since over a year and a half, yet I'm still the only one blamed and made responsible to carry the work of making my relationship work. Yet my spouse hasn't admitted their issues or even sought much help at all. Often we feel like if the relationship is failing or struggling it's all our (the one with BPD) fault because something's wrong with us (we have BPD). It's nice to recognize the dialect that yes we have bpd but it's not all our fault, and the other person is also responsible for contributing to the success of the relationship.
Pamoch Tesnim You are very welcome. Many partners of those with BPD (whether they too have it or not) are not without their own issues just because they are "non" when it comes to having BPD or a personality "disorder". In any dynamic involving two people, 100% of fault, responsibility or blame cannot ever be only one person's fault. I hope things work out for you both.
In this video, what stands out to me in a most helpful way, is that whether the individuals in a relationship have BPD or not, the individual dynamic is what controls the level of toxicity. Realizing one's unique responsibility in that area pretty much controls the success or failure of the relationship. So, loving and caring for oneself tells you whether to stay or go....
let me tell you my friend, in all my weaknesses and flaws there are light years between me and my loved one with BPD. It's hard to work on myself when I'm engulfed with the caos from her. It's the song that never ends as Lambchop would sing
I have a daughter who for as long as I can remember has shown all of the symptoms of BPD but for the most part, people just ignored her abrasive behaviors and tried to limit their contact with her to just superficial small-talk. She had a child with a guy who was so self absorbed that he was able to just ignore her but the child has been neglected and used as a weapon to hurt this guy. Now she has a 3 year old girl that I have been raising along with the boy while she went about her life ignoring them as if they were someone else's responsibility (mine). She found a new boyfriend who is as useless as a man can be, I think because he makes her look good in comparison, and has taken the kids away to live with a friend and this new fool. I'm afraid for the safety and mental health of the kids since she has decided not to let me have any contact with them. Is this a dangerous situation to leave these kids in, since she has in the past been very abusive towards them as well as neglectful? I don't know what to do since she will not even try to listen to reason. She has cut off contact with her friends and brother over this and we are all in a state of shock as to what can be done.
gary winkler Sorry to hear this! Yes, it sounds like a highly potentially dangerous situation for the children. You may want to see what your legal options may be. Consult a lawyer that understands BPD and how so many children with BPD mothers (not all) end up very psychologically wounded at best and with BPD themselves, at worst. Those kids need you!
The Narcissist's Scapegoat Wow! What the hell happened to you in your childhood to cause such a psychotic rant? It's frightening how quickly you produced a delusion, then went right into it as if it were some twisted version of a reality! Simply stunning! Did you just stop taking your medication, or have you been avoiding it for some time now? I'm not even going to try to speak to the content of your insane comment, since it was so out of left field, I wouldn't even begin to know where to start! You did catch the part where I said that all of her friends and the rest of our family have stopped speaking with her because she completely lost all grips on reality right? It's interesting how you singled me out for blame in her condition, even though she spent her formative years in the custody of her mother, but that obviously wasn't part of your little delusion now was it? I would strongly suggest that you seek some professional help with this burning issue that you seem to have and take your own advice and stop projecting your issues on others for just a little while, and get back on the medications, you clearly need them!
A.J. Mahari That's good advice AJ, thanks for the reply. I was doing a bit of venting here, but I really was looking for some guidance. I've tried several different mental health professionals with her, but they all told me that BPD is one of the most difficult conditions to treat, since the primary symptom is the patient's firm belief that it's everyone else who has the problem and not them. Blaming everyone else is their way of coping and they don't feel any remorse for what they do to those who love them. I've checked with a lawyer and he told me it's basically an all or nothing thing and I'd have to be prepared to grind her into the dirt if I did anything. I've been in contact with the kid's teachers and they're keeping a close eye on them as well as the school counselors. If they see any signs of physical abuse, they'll act at once and inform me so I can do what I have to do. Can you believe this rant that this other psychotic fool posted here? Unbelievable! He actually sounded just like her! Mental disorders are simply bizarre in how quickly and far off base they can go. It's as if their minds are in full speed and no one is at the wheel!
I totally disagree, I think the emotional difference is huge and I believe it is really irresponsible to suggest otherwise. Your own personal boundaries are the most important thing with a Borderline, once they have been crossed you must remove yourself from that relationship however much it may hurt because if you don't you will suffer greatly down the line.
I don’t advocate loved ones staying at all. I agree with you. Each person with someone with BPD in their lives does need boundaries and to take care of themselves.
Boy I worked so long on what was blocking me and at the same time wanted so badly for my little sister to seek help for emotional dysregulation and other traits related to chidhood woundedness.. but she firmly would not. So, I went on my own journey into recovery. My therapist and I both realized recently that I am there.. I have reached the place I've wanted my whole life. This includes though the leaving behind every single family of origin member. I am alone and apart from them but I do have a wonderful husband and children. I had to let go of that fond fantasy that one day maybe at least one of my siblings would get better also. I no longer hope for that - ... I am responsible for me. Period. I enjoy my family of choice.
I really can't say, in a case like this when I don't know you or if I am not Coaching someone directly. However, that would be a challenging combination. Again, both people need to learn about each other's issues and find ways to get along that are as healthy as they can be. Seek help and ask the person you are interested in if they want to learn more and work at the relationship. All relationships take work and effort but certain combinations due to base incompatibility take more work.
+Jeremiah Conert Thank you. For some people they can make that happen and I know for others it might now be possible. But, in the meantime, I do my best with videos, blogs, podcasts etc to offer what I can to those that find what I have to say helpful.
Again, it depends upon how the person with Asperger's is effected by it, the degree to which they are aware, or not. It also depends upon how much therapy and self awareness along with personal responsibility the person with BPD can take or not. I can't say it is impossible. Just that it is a more complicated dynamic.
I am Borderline and have left treatment several times though trying to get back now. I have an enormous problem with monogamy in relationships and my most recent one, she's pregnant with my child, has been no different. I can't seem to break the cycle of constantly seeking attention from other women and I truly love this so!an and desperately want to change. Is this com!on or am I experiencing something else or Idk. Thank you for your videos, I only just discovered them and will watch them all in short order.
Eric Novotny You may want to, if you aren't already, get some help with this question. It may well be (subconsciously) that you are seeking via other women a "Mother object" - good mother - and may also involve fear of intimacy because being close and committed can feel too risky to trust and you abandonment fear can be very strong whether one is aware of it or not. Sounds like working with someone to answer this question would help you tremendously.
Heya, enjoyed the video. I suffer with BPD and have just gotten into a relationship with an absolutely fantastic and understanding person. I feel like for the first time in years that this relationship could be healthy for both the person in question and myself; In the past, I've always seemed to get into relationships with other unstable people and it's just been a terribly destructive experience. I really want this new relationship to work, as she is total worth it! The trouble is I suffer with binge eating disorder, which is no doubt linked to my BPD feelings/traits. I recently had a relapse into binge eating and I've found myself going to my new interest, I seem to seek constant validation from her that I have either failed, or that I could perhaps repair things(?) The trouble is, such validation is engulfing general conversation and our chats become all about me and often play on loop... I see it happening and I want to change that, do you have any advice on how to deal with this issue in a more healthy manner? Many thanks.
***** Sorry I don't get here often enough or in a timely fashion. It sounds like you would benefit from a little more work with a counselor or therapist to learn or re-enforce emotion regulation skills and build up your self-esteem and your own ability to validate yourself so that you do not continue to engage the person closest to you in this need for validation loop because it does distance. Needing constant validation likely means you will benefit from talking to someone about why that is the case.
I'll have BPD, until I'm dead.. and I hope that to be soon to be perfectly honest. People see us as monsters, we're not.. just damaged shells of what used to be, Human Beings. Despite my progress, and knowledge of what's in me, I still struggle to manage my symptoms. We all live in a shit world, full of shitty people.. if you want to know who the Real monsters are.. look at the people that create us.. some people shouldn't be parents. The human race is a lost cause, the best hope for it at this point.. a collision course with a meteor.
Hi AJ, I suspect I may have bpd even though my sociologist says she doesn't think I do. Every monogamous relationship I've ever had with women has been very intense and fallen apart and even living with roommates and family has been problematic for me and work. I always get blamed for why it fell apart so there must be some truth to it! I'm worried about getting a diagnosis for future work reasons but I really do want to get over this so I can be happy. Any suggestions??
Shaine MacDonald Sorry for such a slow response. I would suggest just finding someone to get help and support from so you can work through these issues without seeking a formal diagnosis. There is so much stigma, it makes logical sense to not want to be labelled. It would be important to work things through with someone who does not require an official diagnosis because really it is what you are struggling with that matters most - not what it is called.
No one can make another person with our without BPD "feel" anything. Most people with BPD have great difficulty, until they get significant treatment, maintaining healthy relationships. That said, I am not trying to further stigmatize, I am trying to help and inform people in an honest and balanced way. If you took offense, it is your right to disagree and no offense was intended on my part.
totally agree as sum1 diagnosed with this too much stigma attached and too mny ppl think they understand it, after lots of toxic information online , off non proefssionals, so fucking sick of it
That's a complicated and highly individual situation. I can't really say. I would say that it would likely take a lot of awareness on each person's part and effort to make such a relationship healthy enough to be even want to be in whether one has Bipolar, BPD, or not. It can often be more difficult for two people with mental health issues to create a healthy relational dynamic. But, again, some people make it work, many are not able to with certain combinations of issues.
I don't know A.J. Most people don't deal with a break up by threatening suicide. Most don't accuse the other of horrendous misdeeds but then gets upset if the other decides to leave and tries to manipulate them back into the relationship. Most people have a more balanced perception of who they are and what their life is and where that of another begins and ends.
A.J. degrees matter! A small degree of difference can have HUGE ramifications, it can be radical. For example the DNA similarity between an ape and a human differs by only 1 degree and yet the difference is radical. Everyone has a degree of anger, sadness and loneliness but that small degree of difference results in great differences in the reactions to those feelings. A degree of difference between anger and rage can result in murder. A degree of difference between sadness and depression can end in suicide. A degree of difference in loneliness can result in self-reflection or stunning avoidance (sex, drugs, what have you). I wouldn't minimize that small degree.
To be fair, the person didn't at all suggest either a class of people, or even a single person was unlovable. But that it seems far too hard. It is evidently very, very hard for him to take (suggesting the other person might have been much loved), as he has then generalised ridicously, prescriptively, unfortunately.
I have very strong symptoms of borderline and I'm trying to function in relationships..I am just getting out of a rocky marriage...I've had 2 serious longterm relationships...first one was higly physically and mentally abusive and I dealt with being miserable for years before I called it quits, I think that one scarred me mentally to where I no longer trust people fully. My most recent relationship; my marriage I felt used and constantly abandoned and let down; he required alot of care and attention but I felt he gave little in return. He was also very irresponsible and I often felt like I was playing mom to him...My nature is to be very generous and giving and comforting to others but I felt used when he did not seem to return when I needed him...I was constantly starting fights towards the end believing he did not really care about me and irritable and then eventually not wanting him to touch me, sleep in the same bed , or have sex with me. He was mostly kind and loyal and a good guy but at times emotionally abusive (the worst was saying to kill myself repeatedly and giving me reasons why when I was already feeling depressed)..and I was VERY harsh at times too..anyway..I wanted very badly to be cared for as much as I cared for others and to be in a relationship with a healthy person and most recently I had that ..I got into a relationship VERY quickly after my marriage collapsed and got into a relationship with someone very generous and caring and loving like I'd always wanted but I kept finding reasons why I didn't feel fully safe with him and started pushing him away with my insecurities even though he did his best to always be there for me and make me happy and showed me more than almost anyone in my life that he loves me and cares about me and I broke up with him essentially a few days ago to work on myself and because I felt constantly insecure like I'd have my heart broken. We still want a future together He's the only man I've ever had a serious relationship with that has consistently treated me kindly and that I truly believe to care for me how I deserve to be and I am more in love with him than I ever have been because he is truely a good person. I have sabatoged most of my relationships so I don't want to completely ruin this one and lose him forever... How do I fix myself...I'm tired of swinging wildly between emotions and being afraid that my partner will stop loving me or clinging on too hard and INTENTIONALLY SABOTAGING GOOD THINGS. It's madness. please help...I don't have insurance for the dr right now...
Hi AJ! Is there an email for you somewhere? Perhaps I missed it, but I looked all over your FB page as well as your website and could not find one. I would love to speak to you via email and perhaps set up a coaching. Thank you.
You can email me at: ajmahari.ca/contact - I will have to make this contact for me more available sorry that you had to search so much and were not able to find this contact info.
I am in the similar position you were. I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her after 5 years of relationship. She probably hates me now, it's been few months, and I'm crying and falling apart in huge pain. How did you manage Mr Beams?
@@YellowKing1986 Thé person you asked this question to commented 9 years ago. They are not going to be around again. Whether anyone has Asperger’s or not, relationships with untreated borderlines don’t work out and cause too much pain.
@@survivingBPDbreakup I know, I am in a different place now, much more balanced, thank you. I should not reply after such a long time, it's history for him and I should let it sleep. I now want much less, and suffer much less. It's fragile balance, but it's progress. Thank you for caring.
Hi, I am the grandmother of a 17-year-old girl dxd with BPD. She is living at my house but recently had a rage and kicked in the side of my new car. What kind of punishment is appropriate? She's not working but is in beauty school and doing very well. Thanks, Nancy
I don't know what it is about this woman; but I like you! :) Your voice makes me happy.
I've been friends with a bpd for 15 yrs when I look back it's been a nightmare full of let downs, stress, lies, secrecy and attention seeking and jealousy, I tried for 15 yrs to help them continuously but it never ever ever changes they are exhausting... My advice would be run for the hills
+finn191275 A clear message from someone who found out the hard way. Thanks for sharing that.
Sean -DURHAM UK I know this was written a long time ago. I met the lady I knew working with her... she was really unstable at the time. Mental health runs through my family and coming from a dysfunctional background/ naive /uneducated on conditions /trying to rescue everyone.. I become friends with her... she was constantly threatening suicide.. abusing meds, self harming, I believed her when she said her parents disowned her etc.. until one day it went to far and she ended up in itu on Xmas day. I lost it.. and screamed at medics to keep her in a mental health facility.
to get proper help.
Unbeknown to me I pushed her toxic behaviour underground.. I thought she’d stabilised. She was still socially awkward, manipulative etc but I thought I’d controlled it to a level that was acceptable. She had her own place but she’s never go home.. so she watched my daughter whilst I worked shifts...
I had a toxic brief relationship that when it ended made me read on mental health issues and I started to recognise her behaviour that facilitated a breakdown in my relationship with my daughter.
When she felt the shift in my friendship with her she split and totally planned a full on let’s destroy her attack... she wanted to run off with my girl. Went to friends, tried to convince everyone I was abusing my daughter. It was like living in a nightmare.... people stopped talking to me, my daughter who is an A grade student believed I was doing these things... it was the most unbelievable things I’ve every experienced and I’ve been through a lot in life!
Police were involved in the end. I can’t turn back time but I’ve changed... my relationship with my girl had been so damaged I’m not sure it can be repaired. This woman was like a mother to her.. and she managed to alienate her from me.
I know I’ve just blurted this out here.. excuse me as I just needed too. I’m trying to understand her behaviour but I’ve been left with a bitter taste in my mouth because this involved my girl..:
My point of all this is.. I’d rather have had a run in with a sociopath/ psychopath than her. With them there seems to be easier definable behaviours. She never wanted help.. she just wanted meds.. she was in enough to knock an elephant out.. she wasn’t just mentally ill she was evil. I can’t get my head around the fact I didn’t flutter an eyelid when inviting her to my table..
Both parents w bpd I'm 40 nothing has changed either
Alexia and I just want to tell you...... WE LOVE YOU!!! We appreciate all that you have done and are doing to help our family :)
Thanks Annette and Alexia, it is my pleasure to be of help to your family and to work with Alexia and others toward healing, recovery, and creating a healthier dynamic in your family, over time. Thanks for dropping by here and expressing your kind words.
Thank you for humanizing mental disorders. I keep beating myself up for being floored and not healthy like others. But such a relief to hear we're not all so different and its not all my fault ❤❤❤❤
S s You are very welcome. They need to be much more humanized because mot so-called "mental disorders" go back to trauma. There is the fallacy out there that "these people" are all "mentally ill" and the ones judging that then arbitrarily feel superior and falsely "better than". It's just not true. It is confirmation and consensus biases to name but a couple.
@@survivingBPDbreakup this is the first video I have heard you state your a recovering -BPD. So you're coming from a place of quite a bit of authority to speak on owning behaviors and learning to stay with in some sort of healthy areas of emotional regulation. You've put in the work! 💗
@@wendi2819 I am not "recovering" I recovered fully in 1990 as measured by the very talented amazing therapists I had. I took the journey from lack of self, lack of identity, struggling with the awareness impairment that meant I didn't feel responsible or accountable for my actions all the way back to finding myself, owning my behaviour, taking personal responsibility and accountability etc. I did put in the work and for 35 years of my life I haven't had any BPD symptoms whatsoever. I have long term friends, a loving partner, and maintain my work etc.
@@survivingBPDbreakup That's even better!!! I hesitated to state fully recovered because the most popular consensuses I've found are on a spectrum from no one recovers ever-to-syptoms can be managed in recovery. So my sincere apology. Yes, affirm boldly, I am recovered! It gives everyone else a trailblazer, not unlike Marsha Linehan and others who you and they need to affirm, through ownership and hard work, I am an overcomer! Yey!
I tried for 1 yr 3 months. He couldn’t stay in therapy. His mood dis regulation burned me over and over. It came outta of left field and he would bring issues up over and over that were already discussed months prior. He wouldn’t stay on topic a bring issues that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He couldn’t implement the changes needed even though he had great insight. Exhausting. I had to block and vanish into the nether.
Thank you AJ. It's great and so validating to hear you say not all the blame of a relationship failing/struggles is on the one with BPD. I have BPD, and have been working very hard in DBT since over a year and a half, yet I'm still the only one blamed and made responsible to carry the work of making my relationship work. Yet my spouse hasn't admitted their issues or even sought much help at all. Often we feel like if the relationship is failing or struggling it's all our (the one with BPD) fault because something's wrong with us (we have BPD). It's nice to recognize the dialect that yes we have bpd but it's not all our fault, and the other person is also responsible for contributing to the success of the relationship.
Pamoch Tesnim You are very welcome. Many partners of those with BPD (whether they too have it or not) are not without their own issues just because they are "non" when it comes to having BPD or a personality "disorder". In any dynamic involving two people, 100% of fault, responsibility or blame cannot ever be only one person's fault. I hope things work out for you both.
In this video, what stands out to me in a most helpful way, is that whether the individuals in a relationship have BPD or not, the individual dynamic is what controls the level of toxicity. Realizing one's unique responsibility in that area pretty much controls the success or failure of the relationship. So, loving and caring for oneself tells you whether to stay or go....
let me tell you my friend, in all my weaknesses and flaws there are light years between me and my loved one with BPD. It's hard to work on myself when I'm engulfed with the caos from her. It's the song that never ends as Lambchop would sing
I have a daughter who for as long as I can remember has shown all of the symptoms of BPD but for the most part, people just ignored her abrasive behaviors and tried to limit their contact with her to just superficial small-talk. She had a child with a guy who was so self absorbed that he was able to just ignore her but the child has been neglected and used as a weapon to hurt this guy. Now she has a 3 year old girl that I have been raising along with the boy while she went about her life ignoring them as if they were someone else's responsibility (mine). She found a new boyfriend who is as useless as a man can be, I think because he makes her look good in comparison, and has taken the kids away to live with a friend and this new fool. I'm afraid for the safety and mental health of the kids since she has decided not to let me have any contact with them. Is this a dangerous situation to leave these kids in, since she has in the past been very abusive towards them as well as neglectful? I don't know what to do since she will not even try to listen to reason. She has cut off contact with her friends and brother over this and we are all in a state of shock as to what can be done.
gary winkler Sorry to hear this! Yes, it sounds like a highly potentially dangerous situation for the children. You may want to see what your legal options may be. Consult a lawyer that understands BPD and how so many children with BPD mothers (not all) end up very psychologically wounded at best and with BPD themselves, at worst. Those kids need you!
The Narcissist's Scapegoat Wow! What the hell happened to you in your childhood to cause such a psychotic rant? It's frightening how quickly you produced a delusion, then went right into it as if it were some twisted version of a reality! Simply stunning! Did you just stop taking your medication, or have you been avoiding it for some time now? I'm not even going to try to speak to the content of your insane comment, since it was so out of left field, I wouldn't even begin to know where to start! You did catch the part where I said that all of her friends and the rest of our family have stopped speaking with her because she completely lost all grips on reality right? It's interesting how you singled me out for blame in her condition, even though she spent her formative years in the custody of her mother, but that obviously wasn't part of your little delusion now was it? I would strongly suggest that you seek some professional help with this burning issue that you seem to have and take your own advice and stop projecting your issues on others for just a little while, and get back on the medications, you clearly need them!
A.J. Mahari That's good advice AJ, thanks for the reply. I was doing a bit of venting here, but I really was looking for some guidance. I've tried several different mental health professionals with her, but they all told me that BPD is one of the most difficult conditions to treat, since the primary symptom is the patient's firm belief that it's everyone else who has the problem and not them. Blaming everyone else is their way of coping and they don't feel any remorse for what they do to those who love them. I've checked with a lawyer and he told me it's basically an all or nothing thing and I'd have to be prepared to grind her into the dirt if I did anything. I've been in contact with the kid's teachers and they're keeping a close eye on them as well as the school counselors. If they see any signs of physical abuse, they'll act at once and inform me so I can do what I have to do. Can you believe this rant that this other psychotic fool posted here? Unbelievable! He actually sounded just like her! Mental disorders are simply bizarre in how quickly and far off base they can go. It's as if their minds are in full speed and no one is at the wheel!
I totally disagree, I think the emotional difference is huge and I believe it is really irresponsible to suggest otherwise. Your own personal boundaries are the most important thing with a Borderline, once they have been crossed you must remove yourself from that relationship however much it may hurt because if you don't you will suffer greatly down the line.
I don’t advocate loved ones staying at all. I agree with you. Each person with someone with BPD in their lives does need boundaries and to take care of themselves.
Boy I worked so long on what was blocking me and at the same time wanted so badly for my little sister to seek help for emotional dysregulation and other traits related to chidhood woundedness.. but she firmly would not. So, I went on my own journey into recovery. My therapist and I both realized recently that I am there.. I have reached the place I've wanted my whole life. This includes though the leaving behind every single family of origin member. I am alone and apart from them but I do have a wonderful husband and children. I had to let go of that fond fantasy that one day maybe at least one of my siblings would get better also. I no longer hope for that - ... I am responsible for me. Period. I enjoy my family of choice.
Yep xx
I really can't say, in a case like this when I don't know you or if I am not Coaching someone directly. However, that would be a challenging combination. Again, both people need to learn about each other's issues and find ways to get along that are as healthy as they can be. Seek help and ask the person you are interested in if they want to learn more and work at the relationship. All relationships take work and effort but certain combinations due to base incompatibility take more work.
You're voice is helpful and comforting I would love to have you as a therapist.
+Jeremiah Conert Thank you. For some people they can make that happen and I know for others it might now be possible. But, in the meantime, I do my best with videos, blogs, podcasts etc to offer what I can to those that find what I have to say helpful.
Again, it depends upon how the person with Asperger's is effected by it, the degree to which they are aware, or not. It also depends upon how much therapy and self awareness along with personal responsibility the person with BPD can take or not. I can't say it is impossible. Just that it is a more complicated dynamic.
I am Borderline and have left treatment several times though trying to get back now. I have an enormous problem with monogamy in relationships and my most recent one, she's pregnant with my child, has been no different. I can't seem to break the cycle of constantly seeking attention from other women and I truly love this so!an and desperately want to change. Is this com!on or am I experiencing something else or Idk. Thank you for your videos, I only just discovered them and will watch them all in short order.
Eric Novotny You may want to, if you aren't already, get some help with this question. It may well be (subconsciously) that you are seeking via other women a "Mother object" - good mother - and may also involve fear of intimacy because being close and committed can feel too risky to trust and you abandonment fear can be very strong whether one is aware of it or not. Sounds like working with someone to answer this question would help you tremendously.
Heya, enjoyed the video. I suffer with BPD and have just gotten into a relationship with an absolutely fantastic and understanding person. I feel like for the first time in years that this relationship could be healthy for both the person in question and myself; In the past, I've always seemed to get into relationships with other unstable people and it's just been a terribly destructive experience. I really want this new relationship to work, as she is total worth it! The trouble is I suffer with binge eating disorder, which is no doubt linked to my BPD feelings/traits. I recently had a relapse into binge eating and I've found myself going to my new interest, I seem to seek constant validation from her that I have either failed, or that I could perhaps repair things(?) The trouble is, such validation is engulfing general conversation and our chats become all about me and often play on loop... I see it happening and I want to change that, do you have any advice on how to deal with this issue in a more healthy manner?
Many thanks.
***** Sorry I don't get here often enough or in a timely fashion. It sounds like you would benefit from a little more work with a counselor or therapist to learn or re-enforce emotion regulation skills and build up your self-esteem and your own ability to validate yourself so that you do not continue to engage the person closest to you in this need for validation loop because it does distance. Needing constant validation likely means you will benefit from talking to someone about why that is the case.
I'll have BPD, until I'm dead.. and I hope that to be soon to be perfectly honest. People see us as monsters, we're not.. just damaged shells of what used to be, Human Beings. Despite my progress, and knowledge of what's in me, I still struggle to manage my symptoms. We all live in a shit world, full of shitty people.. if you want to know who the Real monsters are.. look at the people that create us.. some people shouldn't be parents.
The human race is a lost cause, the best hope for it at this point.. a collision course with a meteor.
Hi AJ, I suspect I may have bpd even though my sociologist says she doesn't think I do. Every monogamous relationship I've ever had with women has been very intense and fallen apart and even living with roommates and family has been problematic for me and work. I always get blamed for why it fell apart so there must be some truth to it! I'm worried about getting a diagnosis for future work reasons but I really do want to get over this so I can be happy. Any suggestions??
Shaine MacDonald Sorry for such a slow response. I would suggest just finding someone to get help and support from so you can work through these issues without seeking a formal diagnosis. There is so much stigma, it makes logical sense to not want to be labelled. It would be important to work things through with someone who does not require an official diagnosis because really it is what you are struggling with that matters most - not what it is called.
No one can make another person with our without BPD "feel" anything. Most people with BPD have great difficulty, until they get significant treatment, maintaining healthy relationships. That said, I am not trying to further stigmatize, I am trying to help and inform people in an honest and balanced way. If you took offense, it is your right to disagree and no offense was intended on my part.
totally agree as sum1 diagnosed with this too much stigma attached and too mny ppl think they understand it, after lots of toxic information online , off non proefssionals, so fucking sick of it
That's a complicated and highly individual situation. I can't really say. I would say that it would likely take a lot of awareness on each person's part and effort to make such a relationship healthy enough to be even want to be in whether one has Bipolar, BPD, or not. It can often be more difficult for two people with mental health issues to create a healthy relational dynamic. But, again, some people make it work, many are not able to with certain combinations of issues.
I don't know A.J.
Most people don't deal with a break up by threatening suicide. Most don't accuse the other of horrendous misdeeds but then gets upset if the other decides to leave and tries to manipulate them back into the relationship. Most people have a more balanced perception of who they are and what their life is and where that of another begins and ends.
A.J. degrees matter! A small degree of difference can have HUGE ramifications, it can be radical. For example the DNA similarity between an ape and a human differs by only 1 degree and yet the difference is radical. Everyone has a degree of anger, sadness and loneliness but that small degree of difference results in great differences in the reactions to those feelings. A degree of difference between anger and rage can result in murder. A degree of difference between sadness and depression can end in suicide. A degree of difference in loneliness can result in self-reflection or stunning avoidance (sex, drugs, what have you). I wouldn't minimize that small degree.
To be fair, the person didn't at all suggest either a class of people, or even a single person was unlovable. But that it seems far too hard.
It is evidently very, very hard for him to take (suggesting the other person might have been much loved), as he has then generalised ridicously, prescriptively, unfortunately.
on the contrary, borderlines are considered to be very curable - narcissists however are considered to be incurable.
So are you suggesting I keep my distance until she gets the treatment she obviously needs and feels better about herself?
Watch out! The Kitty is about to transition into psychotic kitty rage :D
LOL! The kitties were just playing :)
My mum is BPD and Bi polar
I have very strong symptoms of borderline and I'm trying to function in relationships..I am just getting out of a rocky marriage...I've had 2 serious longterm relationships...first one was higly physically and mentally abusive and I dealt with being miserable for years before I called it quits, I think that one scarred me mentally to where I no longer trust people fully. My most recent relationship; my marriage I felt used and constantly abandoned and let down; he required alot of care and attention but I felt he gave little in return. He was also very irresponsible and I often felt like I was playing mom to him...My nature is to be very generous and giving and comforting to others but I felt used when he did not seem to return when I needed him...I was constantly starting fights towards the end believing he did not really care about me and irritable and then eventually not wanting him to touch me, sleep in the same bed , or have sex with me. He was mostly kind and loyal and a good guy but at times emotionally abusive (the worst was saying to kill myself repeatedly and giving me reasons why when I was already feeling depressed)..and I was VERY harsh at times too..anyway..I wanted very badly to be cared for as much as I cared for others and to be in a relationship with a healthy person and most recently I had that
..I got into a relationship VERY quickly after my marriage collapsed and got into a relationship with someone very generous and caring and loving like I'd always wanted but I kept finding reasons why I didn't feel fully safe with him and started pushing him away with my insecurities even though he did his best to always be there for me and make me happy and showed me more than almost anyone in my life that he loves me and cares about me and I broke up with him essentially a few days ago to work on myself and because I felt constantly insecure like I'd have my heart broken. We still want a future together He's the only man I've ever had a serious relationship with that has consistently treated me kindly and that I truly believe to care for me how I deserve to be and I am more in love with him than I ever have been because he is truely a good person. I have sabatoged most of my relationships so I don't want to completely ruin this one and lose him forever... How do I fix myself...I'm tired of swinging wildly between emotions and being afraid that my partner will stop loving me or clinging on too hard and INTENTIONALLY SABOTAGING GOOD THINGS. It's madness. please help...I don't have insurance for the dr right now...
Hi AJ! Is there an email for you somewhere? Perhaps I missed it, but I looked all over your FB page as well as your website and could not find one. I would love to speak to you via email and perhaps set up a coaching. Thank you.
You can email me at: ajmahari.ca/contact - I will have to make this contact for me more available sorry that you had to search so much and were not able to find this contact info.
I will contact you at the email that you provided soon. Sorry my contact form on my website is down right now.
I have Asperger's and am in love with a girl suffering from BPD. What should I do?
I am in the similar position you were. I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her after 5 years of relationship. She probably hates me now, it's been few months, and I'm crying and falling apart in huge pain. How did you manage Mr Beams?
@@YellowKing1986 Thé person you asked this question to commented 9 years ago. They are not going to be around again. Whether anyone has Asperger’s or not, relationships with untreated borderlines don’t work out and cause too much pain.
@@survivingBPDbreakup I know, I am in a different place now, much more balanced, thank you. I should not reply after such a long time, it's history for him and I should let it sleep. I now want much less, and suffer much less. It's fragile balance, but it's progress. Thank you for caring.
every one has issues, some have bigger than "average". whatever average is.
Hi, I am the grandmother of a 17-year-old girl dxd with BPD. She is living at my house but recently had a rage and kicked in the side of my new car. What kind of punishment is appropriate? She's not working but is in beauty school and doing very well. Thanks, Nancy
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