I think a lot of the disconnect is that our parents weren’t born to be sensitive they were taught to just accept everything even if it was disrespect especially from elders. They raised us to be sensible but that also means we are sensitive. Its complicated. I can see both sides tbh
True. There is a invisible rope around a kid which parents don’t get it. They always deny it. Mostly, parents don’t Respect their kids after certain age. They think they can degrade and beat them up till any age. Also, parents have to be friends with their kids after certain age. Son is right and parents are also right in raising the kids right but after certain age they have to stop interfering and let the kids be more independent in their thinking. They also have to grow mentally.
I would love if you can have a psychologist with the both of you in the next Chai Talk and see if they can mediate the conv better and make your mom understand you better.
@@leehashazam5796oh yes an Islamic scholar would be amazing, since mama Jee references the Quran quite a bit in her defense. If a therapist is brought in that person needs to 100% be of immigrant parents
Mama Jee, honestly wajeeh just needs a hug and appreciation. He doesn’t feel valued or appreciated and that’s the crux of the issue. I’m glad you guys had this conversation and inshallah moving forward, you’ll both keep this in mind.
Mama ji isn’t realizing that frustration is something that builds over time. The comments mama ji and all parents make all add up and cause this “frustration”
This lady is entitled and too righteous for this world in her mind. At 22 she ran 10,000 miles away from her parents and eloped but never said a single word to her parents or raised her voice! Joke! And delusional! 😂 She will use this self righteous illusion of grandeur to control her sons all her life. One has escaped, another is trapped. If you only knew Wajeeh how soft hearted and unconditionally loving many mothers are and what rough lives themselves but never reflect it upon their kids you would know how toxic your situation is.
I just wanna say this, that brown girls dont have it any easier than brown guys. We especially do not have it easy in any way when we are 22,23,24,25,26,27 year olds. Its the same for most of us. And all of us keep going accepting it but sometimes, the built up pressure is bound to slip out with a bang and thats that.
A 100 percent agreee!! I was about to say the same thing, we don’t have it easy, we too have our own struggles with our families. Most desi parents are more strict with their daughters than they are with their sons.
Honestly AuntyG needs to cut the umbilical cord. And Wajeeh needs to appreciate the fact that the lady literally dedicated her life for her children like most parents. She’s a great mother and wajeeh is a great son.
i don't think he took himself out of the situation.. but had that uncomfortable conversation with his mom. I'm pretty sure their bond has become stronger.
Mama you are listening but with closed ears. You hear his words but not his emotions. When someone is actively listening and empathetic towards the other person, they don't make comments or get defensive. I think the anger and defensiveness mama gets is because of unresolved issues she herself has and guilt built up inside.
You did it! You guys got there at the end! 🎉 This is what the past 21 episodes of blood, sweat, and tears have led up to. You both have done something thousands and thousands of families have tried and failed at this. Thank you both for putting yourself through this pain every week, it's not easy, but it was so needed and definitely worth it.
2:20 yes you're COOL mama jee. If it's my mom or dad they will not talk to me for days 😅 and you give wajeeh a lot of freedom to speak. Love u mama jee❤
I feel it is important to have a professional counsellor, life coach, physiologist or therapist.. to get to know in details.. with time generations are learning alots of things.. we all need to learn and grow... it's important...
I’m a one in a million and I also feel exactly what you feel; I’m not enough for my parents. Thank you for this conversation! They cannot stop controlling us.
I feel like giving your mom a hug ! After all the talks I have to say and you also give her credit that the fact she’s this open with you and she has raised you to be so open with her.. itself is amazing and IS breaking generational gap. I know many parents who would never even entertain the thought of sitting down like this with their kids :) well done 🥹
48:30 I'm just like him😢I'm a maridd girl. When I send a message to my dad, he says, "Why not a call?" When I call him, he says,"Why not a visit?" When I visit him, he says," Why not earlier?" I don't really know what can I do to make him happy. Nothing is working. It's so sad.
Wajeeh can I say something, I am a first generation girl. I think you should get one of us on this podcast. I married a first generation man and struggled with his generational trauma as well as mine. I understand your Mom because I am a Mom now. But it's frustrating when we can't live our own lives, but our parents generation had free will, and they left their homes thousands of miles away. It is comparing apples to oranges
At 16:50, Wajeeh’s Mom speaks her heart out. This is the ‘void’ area. Area where expectations were built (in her time) and disappointments were encountered (in today’s time).
I'm from a Filipino American household, but this is so similar to my life. I have had only ONE conversation with my mom like this. It sounded almost EXACTLY the same. In the end I realized, through tears, that she loves me, but will never stop treating me like I know nothing. Even if I am successful she will never admit she was wrong for pushing me when I was already doing things right. Just like your mom, she would exaggerate, use sarcasm, and find every excuse from when I was younger to shift the blame to me. Only when I had left the house already, it finally feels like she loves and misses me, but I will never be able to say she was my #1 supporter. To your mom: Thank you so much for being open to having these conversations with your son. Even though it might be embarrassing, I find comfort that you are similar to my mom but are willing to grow from these conversations. It's really hard for young adults like myself to have real conversations with their parents. We don't need criticism. Our world is full of it already. However, You can still be our greatest inspiration in our lives just by listening to what we need. We need to come home to our foundation, our mother who builds us up, so that we can strive to make you proud and live for ourselves. Much love, Peace, and God Bless.
Honestly, I've been watching a few of these talks after a short I found and its given me so much clarity. What I have come to realize is that generational trauma is a thing, and that their mode of 'defensiveness' is a symptom of that. My parents are somewhat similar, and this has given me better insight on how to navigate problems and that closure is something I need to provide to myself at times.
I love that you guys came to a mutual agreement and a solution. Insha’Allah improvement is to come! No one is perfect, but these conversations are what make all the difference. I would love to see a q&a advice video with you and mama jee 😊 she’s a delight to watch. Love her energy! ♥️
sometimes I feel like they treat us like this because their parents did the same to them so it's like an entitlement to just overpower and keep us down because they're acting out the power their parents felt treating them poorly
Definately a very therapeutic episode, lots of highs and lows. I can see both sides of the coin, but the most important thing is getting along and finding a common ground, where one isn't happy at the expense of the other. I love you both, may Allah bless ya'll!❤
Desi parents don’t understand their guilt trips and requests have made their children forget how to live for ourselves. I actually don’t know how to live for myself. My siblings, friends and work have all told me to live for myself but I’m trained to crave for acceptance from others and not put myself first.
Thank you two. Thank you Wajeeh for being the voice that I have to silenced over the years. Thank you mama Jee for bringing light to my mother's point of view. Thank you🙏
The kids will never understand how much parents sacrifice and parents will never understand how much kids try to please their parents. Mama jee is cool enough to be willing to have these conversations. She is always positive and constantly trying to find a solution for the differences. Wajeeh what’s past is past. You can’t change that. See what you can do next. Like your mom said tell her when she is hurting your feelings and try to find a solution. I get it’s hard to just drop everything but you need to start slowly making decisions for yourself. Start doing things that make you happy not just because it’s expected of you. I don’t know if she gave you the safe environment to talk before but right now she is trying her best to give you that. She wanted to encourage you so you don’t lose yourself. You kept doing what she told you but now you know better. You know that every thing she wants isn’t what you want and it might not be every single decision but at least some decisions you can make so it makes you happy. You know very well for most of us if we tried to have these conversations with our parents we would be slapped even before we get to 1/4 of it. It’s not that mama jee hasn’t broken any generational traumas. She has! Give her the grace. Your mom really seems like a progressive kind of mom. You constantly saying I’m doing this this this for you is the same as our parents saying things that hurt our feelings. As an adult you have to understand you do what you can for your parents at the capacity you have while having room to be there for yourself.
I think we try to be friends with our parents and we for sure can but there’s also a parent child relationship at the end of the day that you can’t ever get rid of. I’ve had these conversations with my parents and with my dad about how I felt I did everything just for him, but he also told me he didn’t want me to do it for him he just wanted me to make something of myself. I told him that it felt like that way and it did but he wasn’t seeing it that way, he just wanted me to have that success that he worked his life for. I respect that and I understood where he was coming from, but I also realized that this feeling I was feeling had more to do with me than him. I brought up how as a first generation and oldest child I felt I was doing everything for him, but this is how I felt and I was the only one who will be able to fix this feeling, not him. I realized I needed to place my boundaries and when I did he respected that cause I showed him I was doing something for myself but that I also wanted success and to work hard. Now we have a relationship where he pushes me to be better but doesn’t place pressure on me and I realize I can’t change how he would make me feel but I can control how I feel about it and what I can do to change that. That’s honestly the best thing and it took me a good few months of conversations with him to get there but Alhamdulillah it’s better now.
After watching this, I feel so blessed alhamdulillah to have parents who actually listened to how I felt about my generational traumas, validated my feelings, and agreed to work on it to be better.. not just for me, but especially for my younger siblings as well. (Because i do not want to see them turn out the way i did and experience what i went through) And by the way, I was only able to do this because I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my doctor told me to try and open up to them. Some parents need to understand that these “natural” or “normal” behaviours of theirs take a big toll on us kids in terms of our mental health, personality and our behaviour with other people. Dear parents, it doesn’t hurt to actually listen to your kids and actually understand them and apologise to them. You don’t loose anything unless you are filled with ego and pride. In fact, your kids will love you and appreciate you a hundred times more and feel closer to you. Just because we got hurt about something you did wrong, it doesn’t mean we don’t love you or we resent you. Also, we do know how much you went through in life and all your work and sacrifices for us and we are always grateful for that. We want to do this because we just want to have a better and healthy relationship and connection with you. 🤍 After that, i’ve been having a much better relationship with my parents and I am more comfortable with being honest to them about my feelings and life. And we are all working on it even more. A message to the both of you: from my experience, my conversation turned out well with my parents because we spoke to each other calmly with respect for each other. Neither of us raised our voices, and they did not return back any blame on me. (No gaslights from any side basically) Clear and calm communication plus RESPECT is necessary from BOTH sides. Please be kind to each other no matter what 🥺🤍
This is why I have ZERO desire to have this conversation w my parents. I will keep evrything surface level they have zero desire to change. Therefore I don’t care let them live in their reality as sad as it is.
Wow, I love this. How mama jee Wajeeh are talking about a difficult topic. Kudos to mama jee for listening and trying to understand. My dad would just get up and walk away and say theek hain main to ho hi Bhuran😂
NO ONE CAN WIN FROM OUR MOMS … omg i feel like all my frustration comes out goodness relax mama jaaan relax just listen to your child please we all here are learning from one another
The mother's toxic rant at 38:48 explains why Wajeeh frequently looses his temper and pops off on her. Rants like that add up and effects the overall quality of the relationship this woman has with her son. That probably is also one of the reasons why Ahmed wants to live far away from her. From what I see, there is no accountability from the mother's end, just blame shifting. The fact that many of their viewers are backward enough to justify her behavior as "part of the culture & religion" is appalling to me.
He's 29 and at that timestamp she's talking to him like she needs to discipline him. She is so ignorant. Imagine disciplining a 29-year-old in public AND doing so when he hasn't done anything wrong. When he brings up anything, she shoots it down with "what do you mean you didn't do anything for yourself?" What an a-hole she is. She also goes on and on about what a druggie, uneducated, sinner he would've been without her. What a freak she is. He was right to say she doesn't want him to have a life without her.
I'm gonna say something else, he is very young still, but in a few years, if he can't tell her to STFU, I wouldn't consider him man enough to be husband material and someone who can keep abusive people out of his life and away from his future wife and kids. Setting boundaries isn't possible with her.
Wajeeh I really think you should invite a psychologist the next time you guys decide to have a conversation like this. I think it would be great so you and mama jee can get your point across and hopefully understand each other
It's been a long 14 years since my parents passing. I wish I could have had this conversation with them. It would have been a tough but ultimately a loving conversion at the end. Thank you so much for posting this Masi and Bhaiya
As difficult as these conversations are, what is so clear is that its all coming from a place of love❤ It was heartwarming to see mamajees unconditional love for wajeeh and his deep love for her. We all hurt each other unknowingly being kids and parents. We learn and we become better. Allah bless y’all and increase the love between y’all 🤲🏼
Golden episode, such an important talk. Well done guys, I am sure that wasn’t easy. Having ( almost) raised two boys myself in Dubai, I can totally relate to some of the things. Wajeeh, your mom’s ability to at least sit through these talks and try and understand where you come from , is commendable. Trust me, there is nothing typical desi or brown about that at all. She has such a good heart, may Allah bless her. Also, she is right , you are an exceptionally good kid. Stay blessed and be happy always. You deserve it. Sending much love and duas 💕
I highly recommend that you actually look up the definition of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you purposefully make someone believe that their recollection of reality is not true; it's not being defensive and turning the blame back on someone. I feel like there's been a huge overuse of the term "gaslight" on social media and so it's easy to forget its real meaning. As a side note, ty for putting these out there. As a fellow desi kid who has the same struggles with my parents, it's nice to see you trying your best to explain your perspective to your mom.
As an Indian 90s-born girl, i can relate to this my bones. Me and my friends always have same converstions in our daily lives.the problem is from having best marks in schools, to choosing the right degree(as per them ofcourse) then obviously we worked hard in our careers to excel and later once we feel okay now we can finally enjoy our life as per us. No, now your parents came up with all the marriage and kids pressure and the reason: you have to do this for our happiness i.e our respect in the society and we want to play with our grandchildren as our others pears are doing with thier grandchildren. And this cycle of expectations is just soo burdernsome and there is no way you can co front them becoz the moment u try, you become disrespect 😢😢. I hope next generation will not have to go through this trauma
I’m the same age as Wajeeh with no kids… Mama Jee 💯 right. Man needs to stop using these internet fad words like Toxic and gaslighting etc like some basic psychologist on his mum as if these behaviours have just been discovered. Seeking validation from people in your comments section over your mother is wild to me! Need to get over the social media hype… it’s not real
I saw a islamic post of wajeeh being disrespectful to his mother...and it really did make him look bad...but ppl need to understand the chaitalk and what its about .. personally i think your doing a great job for the viewers...as ppl won't talk about this issue but nearly everyone is suffering from the same issue
He made his mum look bad…. Sorry he could have discussed it at home privately… Wallahi we Need to be careful how we make our parents feel… Allaah has given them that high rank for a reason
I came here from Musa Adnan's reaction to this video, trust me we need an Islamic perspective on this in this day and age. We have half knowledge on Deen which ends up giving us a lop sided judgement. If we value the Values islam has given to us, we will know the faraiz of the mother and that of the child. That being said this is a much needed discussion and glad that these conversations are happening. The meltdowns that they have live on air, I don't endorse though :p
@@fali6723 with this in mind I believe it's good it's been discussed...as many kids these days do this...but no one talks about it...the meltdown happened yes...but he realised his mistake and apologised...but in real life behind closed doors it's all a shut down...for the ones who watch this it's a good lesson
@@sakura142 I understand and it's true...but I believe many are suffering in silent... although kids know about the status of parents they still disrespect...this meltdown happened but he apologised...many go ahead not addressing it like nothing...so lessons can be learnt through these episodes.
@@S4FX I actually finished watching the entire podcast a while ago and agree that these are issues that do need to be addressed. Difficult but heartwarming too
Its not about making your parents feel bad its about holding your parents accountable. Just because they are your parent doesnt give them free range to do whatever they want to you and not be called out for it. Thats not respect thats hierarchical. But just bcuz a parent is above you doesnt mean theres no mutual respect
I think we do live for our parents. A lot of us 1st gen kids, have been silenced to get into a career, that we may not want. But then again we didn’t have the freedom to figure out what we wanted to do in our lives. And also that constant chasing of wanting to be enough for our parents is making us live for them. We live in a state of silent panic.
I think you both want the best for each other. As a parent there are expectations that you instill in your child. Some of that pressure can become overwhelming. As a child you want to fulfill you parents wishes. Sometimes as children we put that burden on our shoulders but at sometime you have to become satisfied and live for yourself. Parents should tell there kids that there proud of them. This space of having this open conversation need to happen and it’s not an easy conversation.
you know the jinn thing is just a form of control so you don't say anything. They used to say that about me all the time, it's just them shaming you into being controlled
Mamagee. Wajee just needs a big hug and thanks to him he has done a lot. May Allah give him so much more that he can fulfill your dreams. Mamagee is saying it from her heart.
35:53 no because this was literally my dad when I came back from a vacation from Florida and my cousins were trying to talk me into moving down there and I told him I don’t know I might be thinking about it and he was like well you’re an adult I can’t advise you what to do with like a sad look on his face, and I knew he wanted to tell me to stay lmaooo
Desi parents want you to be successful and useful even if it comes at the cost of the happiness and mental health of the child. That’s what I got from this chai talk with his mom.
Wow Wajeeh, I am surprised you made it to Ep 21. I do not think I would have gone past a second session off-camera with my own parents. I would say mamajee is still a lot more open than a lot of other desi parents.
Thank you Wajeeh for having this super difficult conversation, I think what our parents failed to teach us is unconditional love. That pressure to make them happy stems from our need to feel loved and get praised, its super easy to condition a child if the punishment is love deprivation.
🔥✨️ EVERY PARENTS SHOULD TRY THEIR BEST TO BE BETTER AND MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR THEIR KIDS AND EVERY GENERATION WILL HAVE SOME BAD HABITS THAT NEED TO CHANGE ✨️🔥
I am sure the older son is glad he moved away he doesn't have to deal with this from her anymore..Wajeeh should start thinking of his life and maybe move away too..Mama Gee has a husband to take care of her it is time for Wajeeh to leave the nest and have a life of his own. His emotions get the best of him because Mama Gee pushes his buttons and she knows it...What about Mama Gee apologizing she says alot of hurtful things to her son.....
I really enjoyed this episode. As a first generation/oldest child I related to so much of this. Kudos to Mama G for listening, and being open to the conversation, and even after she got worked up, she came around, smiled and worked through everything. I did feel that Wajeeh was kind of interrupting her and not letting her stay as much, but I understand the emotions and the need for everything to spill. I especially liked it around the 40 minute onwards mark. And the feeling that no matter what you do, you are not good enough. I think for certain children all they want to know is that everything they’ve done their parents are proud and that they are appreciated. Just those comments “ I appreciate you” or “ I am proud of you” would mean so much and get rid of so much stress and trauma and insecurities and feeling like a failure. However, I disagree with Wajeeh about parents being involved in their children’s life when they were younger, and in the delicate years. As much as my siblings, and I hated how overprotective and strict our parents were, now that we are older, we appreciate their actions and how we turned out compared to if they had not done that. Were they a little too extra at times? Definitely way overboard, but parents are always going to be involved. And one thing I have learned is no matter how old you get, your parents are always gonna need you to do more and make comments about what you do. I think the solution is for us to learn that even when they’re asking for more that does not mean that they are not proud and for the parents to continuously, let us know that they love us and our proud.
the problem is, the parents use their children as an extension of themselves that crosses an unhealthy line where the kid then is expected to be grateful and forever supporting their parents or else theyre a "failure". Many moms are in foreign countries without their primary families and use their children as an anchor in their lives when they feel alone from their spouse/inlaws/etc. Yes desi households respect olders and have joint families because we wont "abandon" parents, but then you also need to be cognizant of why you feel guilty doing things your parents cant experience. Once your mom raises you to assimilate/educate in these countries, shell also make you feel "caged" by judging clothes you wear/amount of times you hang out with friends/the way you speak. The conditional love they have is hinged over your worldly successes and how well you can impress Aunt X, and thats because they have an inherent unmet need of not feeling like THEYRE good enough, but when they see their extension (aka kid) be "good" then they can be satisfied that they themselves are also good. Ex mamajis mom making snarky comments about her into adulthood. Only because mamaji doesnt respond back doesnt make her reaction to the psychological snarking remarks healthy. She now forever will think of those remarks and leverage of way of "good" by not "talking back". Bottling in emotion and not discussing/communicating with parents is just as bad as yelling at them openly. Desi moms dont understand that "true betterment" isnt getting into Duke and feeling unheard/unappreciative, its about feeling loved, safe and valued NO MATTER where you went. I think the point of our parents leaving their homes married at young age is amazing because now we don't experience "independence" until 30s/early marriages. Cause what unmarried girl in her 20s is allowed to move out if she can afford it? it definitely wont be celebrated. Their freedom was marriage. So many kids now want a university away from home as their excuse to move out and "breathe".
Proud of mama Jee getting to a place of saying what needed to be said. Wajeeh needs to also go inward and heal the wound his inner child has that’s making it hard for him to let go of feeling like he isn’t enough.
Wajeeh- you are amazing at keeping at together. All of us love our parents but i would really lose my shit if my mum wasnt willing to hear and understand me. I would respect her but boy i 'd be maaaaaad...
He's at a point where he wants to feel like a man. He wants to make his own decisions and have his decisions respected and not questioned. Like someone else says in the comments, MamaG needs to cut the umbilical cord and let him feel like an independent being. This is such a common problem with desi parents and children, not feeling respected by parents and also feeling like they have to obey and follow their parents wishes regardless of what happens.
Wajeeee...its @aaliazainab commenting from my moms yt acc. I wanna say...i really feel you and resonate with your emotions and feelings..you're having here 44:35.......I'd have cried speaking this much truth to my family a❤❤❤❤ you're a innocent soul...we all are desi mentality despiser.
Gaslighting comes from an old movie. It was about a man who drove his wife insane by denying he dimmed the Gaslight. So Gaslighting is when someone tells you what you've done to them and you say that never happened or no I was doing this and that.
Wajeeh, you're expressing what we feel into words I can't even find when I try to have these discussions. Hearing other people empathize with what I have felt as a first gen brown kid feels healing in the way that its almost normal to feel these things because I'm not the only one feeling this way. My mom gets angry and hurt when my siblings and I express our thoughts about her actions and words and I just don't think they will ever understand us. But it's great to hear these conversations, keep it up!
I agree with a lot of what your mother says as I understand the context of her upbringing and culture. It is also not always easy to get the true meaning of your point across when you are not speaking your first language. However, I do have to set straight for all those watching that a child absolutely has rights over their parents in Islam, particularly during their periods of innocence and dependency. Please listen to Imam Omar Suleiman’s videos on the 40 hadith of justice, as well as reading the below: Ibn ‘Umar said: “Allah has called them abrar (righteous) because they honoured (barru) their fathers and children. Just as your father has rights over you, so too your child has rights over you.” (Al-Adab al-Mufrad, 94) The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, according to a hadith (prophetic narration) narrated by ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar, “… and your child has rights over you.” (Muslim, 1159) Al-Manawi said: “Just as your parents have rights over you, so too your child has rights over you, rather many rights, such as teaching them the individual obligations, teaching them Islamic manners, giving them gifts equally, whether that is a gift, a waqf (endowment), or other gift. If preference is shown with no reason, that is regarded as invalid by some of the scholars and as makruh (disliked) by others.” (Fayd al-Qadir, 2/574) ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “It is sufficient sin for a man if he neglects those on whom he is obliged to spend.” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, 1692; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albani in Sahih al-Jami’, 4481) Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in the sahih hadith (authentic narration): “Fear Allah and treat your children fairly.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 2447; Muslim, 1623).
This brought tears in my eyes. My dad never talk to me about anything but school, grades and internships. I’m in college and I feel like I’ve discovered who I wanna be but I’m hiding my real personality when I’m not home.
Parents make sacrifices for their children and it feels horrible when children say they did that for them because parents would never want us to make sacrifices for them. Mama Jee is very special, sometimes she might sound harsh but one day, you will understand and every piece will fall into place like a puzzle. Sometimes we have to listen more than talking 😅
What a great podcast. One of the best! MaMaji is voicing what Desi parents go thru, and Wajeeh is voicing what the Desi children go thru. At the end of the day MaMaji wants the best for her children because she does not want to see them struggle thru life. It is for their benefit not hers. One is tough on their kids because they care not because they don’t. Raising successful children is her personal success as a parent and she is rightfully proud of that. Wajeeh has respectful values instilled in him by his Mom and that is why he is always trying to please his parents. At least they communicate whether they agree or not. Both need to show their appreciation for each other more often. What a great relationship they have and God Bless!
"its generational trauma...because its natural"... I swear I need to attend a chai talk session live and y'all NEED to do a public TedTalk round. Absolutely on point with these conversations- hands down 🙏🏻
I was legit gonna say mama jee is gaslighting and has been gaslighting but she's also really good at it to the point where she doesn't understand her faults. I literally was gonna mention is until wahjeeh said it too lol. edit: 33 MINUTES in and I am so proud of you Wahjeeh. For a mother to say that she's always listened and was there for you it's really sad to see mama jee not consider you feelings and calling us who are speaking up 'wussies'. Mama Jee i respect you like every mother in this world but you have to understand to be considerable about your own children's feeling FIRST. You can seem like a great mom to the world, but you also have to act upon it. NOT saying you're not but it's just clear as day in Wahjeehs emotions that he just wants understanding. That's it. And soon as that happens you will start to understand him and your other kids better too. It is NEVER to late for anyone of any age to grow and learn. Life is short. Don't waste it being stubborn. I think parents should realize at least kids like Wahjeeh is putting in the effort for a conversation for the betterment of their relationship in the future, but sadly he'e being called drama queen. Wahjeeh, as a kid just like you, you are doing great and trying. And this all comes from a place of love, real love and care for their parents because if it wasn't important and if it didn't matter they would've just thought about their own lives and did their own thing. Mama Jee is lucky to have a son like Wahjeeh. HAHAHA MORE EDITS: Mama Jee please understand that even when we go on these trips and do things on our own we are ALSO always thinking about our family. The guilt for enjoying good things in life is rooted from he comments that's made like "wow, look at you in New York having a good time." as if we're not already guilt tripping ourselves that you're not on the trip and I'm having a good time. It's literally never ending. CONSIDERATION is legit all we are asking for. Ask me about my trip with intentions to know that I had a good time and was happy, instead of using it to gaslight me tomorrow that I'm always out and enjoying my life. Wasn't I brought on this earth to enjoy and be happy on it? Wahjeeh you are so great for not holding this as a grudge and saying that out loud and accepting it. I know you're still working on it, but you saying that has helped me accept and do the same. The little self-help comments you make to calm down is legit what I do to try to get my point through but whew. It will be a day by day thing. Keep breathing haha. Wishing your family all the best.
Both have points, but wajeeh, you are not a parent yet. You will not understand her points until you are a parent yourself. Maybe the way they do and say stuff might annoy us, but it is actually for the "betterment" for us. Nobody can love and care for us like our parents. I agree with another comment about western culture fueling these ideas. Sigh! Its a tough situation.
As a child and teen u need ur parents to be parents to guide u. Once ur older ur relationship changes. Credit to ur parents for making u the person u are. Ur respectful successful. The fact that she pushed ur grades etc got u to become lawyer.
Omg I agree with you Wajeeh I get you 💯💯💯💯💯💯 love your mum respect her & get what she is saying unfortunately she is from a different generation from us they where not taught that kids have there own dreams and wishes they just want us to be the best in life to show others that my son/daughter has a degree but in the process they forget what the child's dreams are also the communication barrier of understanding is different which frustrates us and then the tone voice becomes "baatimeez" but actually them not understanding is raising the volume of your voice but just be patient 🤦♀️ but Aunty your hearts in the right place 💜 However omg 😲 I fully get you Wajeeh in these last 2 episodes totally agree when will they let us go??? But at the same time still be there for us!
Wow! What a conversation, I think this is a very normal feeling for a lot of brown kids and parents. Thank you for talking about it because often times we don’t with our parents and starts to fester within ourselves! Great mom and son, lots of love 💕
Do everything in life for the sake of Allah swt. The sense of accomplishment and contentment comes from him and only him. Not out of fear of your parents or fear of anything in general. Words of affirmation and validation from parents would help Wajih.
I agree mamaji she is a honest woman and is up front she is your mother not your mate.. wajeeh needs really get a grip man up... wajeeh your behavior isnt good.. .
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I think a lot of the disconnect is that our parents weren’t born to be sensitive they were taught to just accept everything even if it was disrespect especially from elders. They raised us to be sensible but that also means we are sensitive. Its complicated. I can see both sides tbh
Maturity is realising mama and wajeeh are both right at their own place and at the end of the day you just can't fill the generation gap .
Oh shutup. This woman is toxic af. She would never ever admit when she is wrong.
Well said 👏🏻
Yes you can! If you try!
True. There is a invisible rope around a kid which parents don’t get it. They always deny it. Mostly, parents don’t
Respect their kids after certain age. They think they can degrade and beat them up till any age. Also, parents have to be friends with their kids after certain age. Son is right and parents are also right in raising the kids right but after certain age they have to stop interfering and let the kids be more independent in their thinking. They also have to grow mentally.
I agree!
I would love if you can have a psychologist with the both of you in the next Chai Talk and see if they can mediate the conv better and make your mom understand you better.
ohhhh that would be so fun to watch
yeah or an iman like a islamic scholar
Love this comment, was thinking the same thing.
@@leehashazam5796 Imam Omar Suleiman would be great
@@leehashazam5796oh yes an Islamic scholar would be amazing, since mama Jee references the Quran quite a bit in her defense. If a therapist is brought in that person needs to 100% be of immigrant parents
Mama Jee, honestly wajeeh just needs a hug and appreciation. He doesn’t feel valued or appreciated and that’s the crux of the issue. I’m glad you guys had this conversation and inshallah moving forward, you’ll both keep this in mind.
True. Mom just give your son a big hug.
Mama ji isn’t realizing that frustration is something that builds over time. The comments mama ji and all parents make all add up and cause this “frustration”
This lady is entitled and too righteous for this world in her mind. At 22 she ran 10,000 miles away from her parents and eloped but never said a single word to her parents or raised her voice! Joke! And delusional! 😂 She will use this self righteous illusion of grandeur to control her sons all her life. One has escaped, another is trapped. If you only knew Wajeeh how soft hearted and unconditionally loving many mothers are and what rough lives themselves but never reflect it upon their kids you would know how toxic your situation is.
I just wanna say this, that brown girls dont have it any easier than brown guys. We especially do not have it easy in any way when we are 22,23,24,25,26,27 year olds. Its the same for most of us. And all of us keep going accepting it but sometimes, the built up pressure is bound to slip out with a bang and thats that.
A 100 percent agreee!! I was about to say the same thing, we don’t have it easy, we too have our own struggles with our families. Most desi parents are more strict with their daughters than they are with their sons.
Facts
Honestly AuntyG needs to cut the umbilical cord. And Wajeeh needs to appreciate the fact that the lady literally dedicated her life for her children like most parents. She’s a great mother and wajeeh is a great son.
100% l
That’s what I say😊
This is exactly like how my mom is and I’m so sorry Wajeeh. I took myself out of the situation and moved out.
I think this is his only way to be free, happy, and have a good relationship with her. Being away from her is needed.
Big L
Facts @@angieluna2415
i don't think he took himself out of the situation.. but had that uncomfortable conversation with his mom. I'm pretty sure their bond has become stronger.
Big L, If your Muslim, biggest L
Mama you are listening but with closed ears. You hear his words but not his emotions. When someone is actively listening and empathetic towards the other person, they don't make comments or get defensive. I think the anger and defensiveness mama gets is because of unresolved issues she herself has and guilt built up inside.
You did it! You guys got there at the end! 🎉
This is what the past 21 episodes of blood, sweat, and tears have led up to. You both have done something thousands and thousands of families have tried and failed at this. Thank you both for putting yourself through this pain every week, it's not easy, but it was so needed and definitely worth it.
2:20 yes you're COOL mama jee. If it's my mom or dad they will not talk to me for days 😅 and you give wajeeh a lot of freedom to speak. Love u mama jee❤
I feel it is important to have a professional counsellor, life coach, physiologist or therapist.. to get to know in details.. with time generations are learning alots of things.. we all need to learn and grow... it's important...
I agree and it should be a Pakistani so he speaks urdu with the mother to let her understand more and let them both comfortable to share
This was a beautiful conversation. So much respect to your mother for showing up for this and agreeing to be better going forward 🥺.
I’m a one in a million and I also feel exactly what you feel; I’m not enough for my parents. Thank you for this conversation! They cannot stop controlling us.
I feel like giving your mom a hug ! After all the talks I have to say and you also give her credit that the fact she’s this open with you and she has raised you to be so open with her.. itself is amazing and IS breaking generational gap. I know many parents who would never even entertain the thought of sitting down like this with their kids :) well done 🥹
48:30 I'm just like him😢I'm a maridd girl. When I send a message to my dad, he says, "Why not a call?" When I call him, he says,"Why not a visit?" When I visit him, he says," Why not earlier?" I don't really know what can I do to make him happy. Nothing is working. It's so sad.
Definitely your mom made me cry… you buying home for them will bless you.
Wajeeh can I say something, I am a first generation girl. I think you should get one of us on this podcast. I married a first generation man and struggled with his generational trauma as well as mine. I understand your Mom because I am a Mom now. But it's frustrating when we can't live our own lives, but our parents generation had free will, and they left their homes thousands of miles away. It is comparing apples to oranges
At 16:50, Wajeeh’s Mom speaks her heart out. This is the ‘void’ area. Area where expectations were built (in her time) and disappointments were encountered (in today’s time).
Islamically what she said you should do for your parents that’s all I will say
I'm from a Filipino American household, but this is so similar to my life. I have had only ONE conversation with my mom like this. It sounded almost EXACTLY the same. In the end I realized, through tears, that she loves me, but will never stop treating me like I know nothing. Even if I am successful she will never admit she was wrong for pushing me when I was already doing things right. Just like your mom, she would exaggerate, use sarcasm, and find every excuse from when I was younger to shift the blame to me. Only when I had left the house already, it finally feels like she loves and misses me, but I will never be able to say she was my #1 supporter. To your mom: Thank you so much for being open to having these conversations with your son. Even though it might be embarrassing, I find comfort that you are similar to my mom but are willing to grow from these conversations. It's really hard for young adults like myself to have real conversations with their parents. We don't need criticism. Our world is full of it already. However, You can still be our greatest inspiration in our lives just by listening to what we need. We need to come home to our foundation, our mother who builds us up, so that we can strive to make you proud and live for ourselves. Much love, Peace, and God Bless.
Honestly, I've been watching a few of these talks after a short I found and its given me so much clarity. What I have come to realize is that generational trauma is a thing, and that their mode of 'defensiveness' is a symptom of that. My parents are somewhat similar, and this has given me better insight on how to navigate problems and that closure is something I need to provide to myself at times.
I love that you guys came to a mutual agreement and a solution. Insha’Allah improvement is to come! No one is perfect, but these conversations are what make all the difference.
I would love to see a q&a advice video with you and mama jee 😊 she’s a delight to watch. Love her energy! ♥️
sometimes I feel like they treat us like this because their parents did the same to them so it's like an entitlement to just overpower and keep us down because they're acting out the power their parents felt treating them poorly
Definately a very therapeutic episode, lots of highs and lows. I can see both sides of the coin, but the most important thing is getting along and finding a common ground, where one isn't happy at the expense of the other. I love you both, may Allah bless ya'll!❤
Desi parents don’t understand their guilt trips and requests have made their children forget how to live for ourselves. I actually don’t know how to live for myself. My siblings, friends and work have all told me to live for myself but I’m trained to crave for acceptance from others and not put myself first.
Thank you two. Thank you Wajeeh for being the voice that I have to silenced over the years. Thank you mama Jee for bringing light to my mother's point of view. Thank you🙏
The kids will never understand how much parents sacrifice and parents will never understand how much kids try to please their parents.
Mama jee is cool enough to be willing to have these conversations. She is always positive and constantly trying to find a solution for the differences.
Wajeeh what’s past is past. You can’t change that. See what you can do next. Like your mom said tell her when she is hurting your feelings and try to find a solution. I get it’s hard to just drop everything but you need to start slowly making decisions for yourself. Start doing things that make you happy not just because it’s expected of you. I don’t know if she gave you the safe environment to talk before but right now she is trying her best to give you that. She wanted to encourage you so you don’t lose yourself. You kept doing what she told you but now you know better. You know that every thing she wants isn’t what you want and it might not be every single decision but at least some decisions you can make so it makes you happy. You know very well for most of us if we tried to have these conversations with our parents we would be slapped even before we get to 1/4 of it. It’s not that mama jee hasn’t broken any generational traumas. She has! Give her the grace. Your mom really seems like a progressive kind of mom.
You constantly saying I’m doing this this this for you is the same as our parents saying things that hurt our feelings. As an adult you have to understand you do what you can for your parents at the capacity you have while having room to be there for yourself.
I think we try to be friends with our parents and we for sure can but there’s also a parent child relationship at the end of the day that you can’t ever get rid of. I’ve had these conversations with my parents and with my dad about how I felt I did everything just for him, but he also told me he didn’t want me to do it for him he just wanted me to make something of myself.
I told him that it felt like that way and it did but he wasn’t seeing it that way, he just wanted me to have that success that he worked his life for. I respect that and I understood where he was coming from, but I also realized that this feeling I was feeling had more to do with me than him. I brought up how as a first generation and oldest child I felt I was doing everything for him, but this is how I felt and I was the only one who will be able to fix this feeling, not him.
I realized I needed to place my boundaries and when I did he respected that cause I showed him I was doing something for myself but that I also wanted success and to work hard. Now we have a relationship where he pushes me to be better but doesn’t place pressure on me and I realize I can’t change how he would make me feel but I can control how I feel about it and what I can do to change that. That’s honestly the best thing and it took me a good few months of conversations with him to get there but Alhamdulillah it’s better now.
This was so raw and I loved it! We would love to see Abida on the podcast!!
After watching this, I feel so blessed alhamdulillah to have parents who actually listened to how I felt about my generational traumas, validated my feelings, and agreed to work on it to be better.. not just for me, but especially for my younger siblings as well. (Because i do not want to see them turn out the way i did and experience what i went through) And by the way, I was only able to do this because I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my doctor told me to try and open up to them. Some parents need to understand that these “natural” or “normal” behaviours of theirs take a big toll on us kids in terms of our mental health, personality and our behaviour with other people.
Dear parents, it doesn’t hurt to actually listen to your kids and actually understand them and apologise to them. You don’t loose anything unless you are filled with ego and pride. In fact, your kids will love you and appreciate you a hundred times more and feel closer to you. Just because we got hurt about something you did wrong, it doesn’t mean we don’t love you or we resent you. Also, we do know how much you went through in life and all your work and sacrifices for us and we are always grateful for that. We want to do this because we just want to have a better and healthy relationship and connection with you. 🤍
After that, i’ve been having a much better relationship with my parents and I am more comfortable with being honest to them about my feelings and life. And we are all working on it even more.
A message to the both of you: from my experience, my conversation turned out well with my parents because we spoke to each other calmly with respect for each other. Neither of us raised our voices, and they did not return back any blame on me. (No gaslights from any side basically) Clear and calm communication plus RESPECT is necessary from BOTH sides. Please be kind to each other no matter what 🥺🤍
This is why I have ZERO desire to have this conversation w my parents. I will keep evrything surface level they have zero desire to change. Therefore I don’t care let them live in their reality as sad as it is.
i agree it’s a loose loose situation. parents will not change, it’s sad and frustrating but true
Wow, I love this. How mama jee Wajeeh are talking about a difficult topic. Kudos to mama jee for listening and trying to understand. My dad would just get up and walk away and say theek hain main to ho hi Bhuran😂
NO ONE CAN WIN FROM OUR MOMS … omg i feel like all my frustration comes out goodness relax mama jaaan relax just listen to your child please we all here are learning from one another
The mother's toxic rant at 38:48 explains why Wajeeh frequently looses his temper and pops off on her. Rants like that add up and effects the overall quality of the relationship this woman has with her son. That probably is also one of the reasons why Ahmed wants to live far away from her. From what I see, there is no accountability from the mother's end, just blame shifting. The fact that many of their viewers are backward enough to justify her behavior as "part of the culture & religion" is appalling to me.
Exactly!
He's 29 and at that timestamp she's talking to him like she needs to discipline him. She is so ignorant. Imagine disciplining a 29-year-old in public AND doing so when he hasn't done anything wrong. When he brings up anything, she shoots it down with "what do you mean you didn't do anything for yourself?" What an a-hole she is.
She also goes on and on about what a druggie, uneducated, sinner he would've been without her. What a freak she is. He was right to say she doesn't want him to have a life without her.
I'm gonna say something else, he is very young still, but in a few years, if he can't tell her to STFU, I wouldn't consider him man enough to be husband material and someone who can keep abusive people out of his life and away from his future wife and kids. Setting boundaries isn't possible with her.
@@a.ashley5292 you dont mean literally right?
@@a.ashley5292YES!! 110%!
Wajeeh I really think you should invite a psychologist the next time you guys decide to have a conversation like this. I think it would be great so you and mama jee can get your point across and hopefully understand each other
It's been a long 14 years since my parents passing. I wish I could have had this conversation with them. It would have been a tough but ultimately a loving conversion at the end. Thank you so much for posting this Masi and Bhaiya
As difficult as these conversations are, what is so clear is that its all coming from a place of love❤ It was heartwarming to see mamajees unconditional love for wajeeh and his deep love for her. We all hurt each other unknowingly being kids and parents. We learn and we become better. Allah bless y’all and increase the love between y’all 🤲🏼
Golden episode, such an important talk. Well done guys, I am sure that wasn’t easy. Having ( almost) raised two boys myself in Dubai, I can totally relate to some of the things. Wajeeh, your mom’s ability to at least sit through these talks and try and understand where you come from , is commendable. Trust me, there is nothing typical desi or brown about that at all. She has such a good heart, may Allah bless her. Also, she is right , you are an exceptionally good kid. Stay blessed and be happy always. You deserve it. Sending much love and duas 💕
I highly recommend that you actually look up the definition of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you purposefully make someone believe that their recollection of reality is not true; it's not being defensive and turning the blame back on someone. I feel like there's been a huge overuse of the term "gaslight" on social media and so it's easy to forget its real meaning.
As a side note, ty for putting these out there. As a fellow desi kid who has the same struggles with my parents, it's nice to see you trying your best to explain your perspective to your mom.
As an Indian 90s-born girl, i can relate to this my bones. Me and my friends always have same converstions in our daily lives.the problem is from having best marks in schools, to choosing the right degree(as per them ofcourse) then obviously we worked hard in our careers to excel and later once we feel okay now we can finally enjoy our life as per us. No, now your parents came up with all the marriage and kids pressure and the reason: you have to do this for our happiness i.e our respect in the society and we want to play with our grandchildren as our others pears are doing with thier grandchildren. And this cycle of expectations is just soo burdernsome and there is no way you can co front them becoz the moment u try, you become disrespect 😢😢. I hope next generation will not have to go through this trauma
Omg can’t fathom the trauma that your parents put you through by pushing you to be the best 😂
I’m the same age as Wajeeh with no kids… Mama Jee 💯 right. Man needs to stop using these internet fad words like Toxic and gaslighting etc like some basic psychologist on his mum as if these behaviours have just been discovered. Seeking validation from people in your comments section over your mother is wild to me! Need to get over the social media hype… it’s not real
I saw a islamic post of wajeeh being disrespectful to his mother...and it really did make him look bad...but ppl need to understand the chaitalk and what its about .. personally i think your doing a great job for the viewers...as ppl won't talk about this issue but nearly everyone is suffering from the same issue
He made his mum look bad…. Sorry he could have discussed it at home privately… Wallahi we Need to be careful how we make our parents feel… Allaah has given them that high rank for a reason
I came here from Musa Adnan's reaction to this video, trust me we need an Islamic perspective on this in this day and age. We have half knowledge on Deen which ends up giving us a lop sided judgement. If we value the Values islam has given to us, we will know the faraiz of the mother and that of the child. That being said this is a much needed discussion and glad that these conversations are happening. The meltdowns that they have live on air, I don't endorse though :p
@@fali6723 with this in mind I believe it's good it's been discussed...as many kids these days do this...but no one talks about it...the meltdown happened yes...but he realised his mistake and apologised...but in real life behind closed doors it's all a shut down...for the ones who watch this it's a good lesson
@@sakura142 I understand and it's true...but I believe many are suffering in silent... although kids know about the status of parents they still disrespect...this meltdown happened but he apologised...many go ahead not addressing it like nothing...so lessons can be learnt through these episodes.
@@S4FX I actually finished watching the entire podcast a while ago and agree that these are issues that do need to be addressed. Difficult but heartwarming too
Its not about making your parents feel bad its about holding your parents accountable. Just because they are your parent doesnt give them free range to do whatever they want to you and not be called out for it. Thats not respect thats hierarchical. But just bcuz a parent is above you doesnt mean theres no mutual respect
51:56 love how she’s open to learning new ways , brings me tears of joy.
I'm sorry but she's just saying that she really doesn't mean it
please get sadia psychology on ur podcast
I think we do live for our parents. A lot of us 1st gen kids, have been silenced to get into a career, that we may not want. But then again we didn’t have the freedom to figure out what we wanted to do in our lives. And also that constant chasing of wanting to be enough for our parents is making us live for them. We live in a state of silent panic.
You can’t reason with a narcissist or make them happy it isn’t ur job to.
I think you both want the best for each other. As a parent there are expectations that you instill in your child. Some of that pressure can become overwhelming. As a child you want to fulfill you parents wishes. Sometimes as children we put that burden on our shoulders but at sometime you have to become satisfied and live for yourself. Parents should tell there kids that there proud of them. This space of having this open conversation need to happen and it’s not an easy conversation.
you know the jinn thing is just a form of control so you don't say anything. They used to say that about me all the time, it's just them shaming you into being controlled
Jin is all bakwas. Parents are control freaks. They can control kids till certain age but not at 30.
Very genuine advice @ 55:00
Mamagee. Wajee just needs a big hug and thanks to him he has done a lot. May Allah give him so much more that he can fulfill your dreams. Mamagee is saying it from her heart.
Idk why but parents get cuter as they age😂
Mama Jee!!!!!!!!!! May she be blessed.
35:53 no because this was literally my dad when I came back from a vacation from Florida and my cousins were trying to talk me into moving down there and I told him I don’t know I might be thinking about it and he was like well you’re an adult I can’t advise you what to do with like a sad look on his face, and I knew he wanted to tell me to stay lmaooo
Desi parents want you to be successful and useful even if it comes at the cost of the happiness and mental health of the child. That’s what I got from this chai talk with his mom.
Truee , if you're are not worthy of bost & be useful for them , they want to even see you
This!!!!!!!!
we, as adult children, just want to be appreciated and respected.. that's it
I Also Would Like To Thank You Wajeeh & Mama Ji
54:04 OK, that's good it's made you stronger. 😂😂😂😂
You got to love Mama jee❤
What a beatyful topic 👌🏽👌🏽thank you Wajeeh. We love you Lots off love from netherlands ❤❤❤
I got your perspective and Mama Gee’s too. We have to empathise and fit in the other person’s shoes. That’s make a bigger difference.
Awwww love the part where Mama jee said you’re one in a million
Wow Wajeeh, I am surprised you made it to Ep 21. I do not think I would have gone past a second session off-camera with my own parents. I would say mamajee is still a lot more open than a lot of other desi parents.
Thank you Wajeeh for having this super difficult conversation, I think what our parents failed to teach us is unconditional love. That pressure to make them happy stems from our need to feel loved and get praised, its super easy to condition a child if the punishment is love deprivation.
🔥✨️ EVERY PARENTS SHOULD TRY THEIR BEST TO BE BETTER AND MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR THEIR KIDS AND EVERY GENERATION WILL HAVE SOME BAD HABITS THAT NEED TO CHANGE ✨️🔥
They say people who are gaslit in their family succumb to choosing narcissistic partners😢
This!!!
You guys are both so brave - really valuable.
I am sure the older son is glad he moved away he doesn't have to deal with this from her anymore..Wajeeh should start thinking of his life and maybe move away too..Mama Gee has a husband to take care of her it is time for Wajeeh to leave the nest and have a life of his own. His emotions get the best of him because Mama Gee pushes his buttons and she knows it...What about Mama Gee apologizing she says alot of hurtful things to her son.....
I really enjoyed this episode. As a first generation/oldest child I related to so much of this. Kudos to Mama G for listening, and being open to the conversation, and even after she got worked up, she came around, smiled and worked through everything.
I did feel that Wajeeh was kind of interrupting her and not letting her stay as much, but I understand the emotions and the need for everything to spill. I especially liked it around the 40 minute onwards mark. And the feeling that no matter what you do, you are not good enough. I think for certain children all they want to know is that everything they’ve done their parents are proud and that they are appreciated. Just those comments “ I appreciate you” or “ I am proud of you” would mean so much and get rid of so much stress and trauma and insecurities and feeling like a failure.
However, I disagree with Wajeeh about parents being involved in their children’s life when they were younger, and in the delicate years. As much as my siblings, and I hated how overprotective and strict our parents were, now that we are older, we appreciate their actions and how we turned out compared to if they had not done that. Were they a little too extra at times? Definitely way overboard, but parents are always going to be involved. And one thing I have learned is no matter how old you get, your parents are always gonna need you to do more and make comments about what you do. I think the solution is for us to learn that even when they’re asking for more that does not mean that they are not proud and for the parents to continuously, let us know that they love us and our proud.
Ufff 🔥such a great conversation….just loved it ….I am mom and I cried and laughed while watching this podcast.
the problem is, the parents use their children as an extension of themselves that crosses an unhealthy line where the kid then is expected to be grateful and forever supporting their parents or else theyre a "failure". Many moms are in foreign countries without their primary families and use their children as an anchor in their lives when they feel alone from their spouse/inlaws/etc. Yes desi households respect olders and have joint families because we wont "abandon" parents, but then you also need to be cognizant of why you feel guilty doing things your parents cant experience. Once your mom raises you to assimilate/educate in these countries, shell also make you feel "caged" by judging clothes you wear/amount of times you hang out with friends/the way you speak. The conditional love they have is hinged over your worldly successes and how well you can impress Aunt X, and thats because they have an inherent unmet need of not feeling like THEYRE good enough, but when they see their extension (aka kid) be "good" then they can be satisfied that they themselves are also good. Ex mamajis mom making snarky comments about her into adulthood. Only because mamaji doesnt respond back doesnt make her reaction to the psychological snarking remarks healthy. She now forever will think of those remarks and leverage of way of "good" by not "talking back". Bottling in emotion and not discussing/communicating with parents is just as bad as yelling at them openly. Desi moms dont understand that "true betterment" isnt getting into Duke and feeling unheard/unappreciative, its about feeling loved, safe and valued NO MATTER where you went. I think the point of our parents leaving their homes married at young age is amazing because now we don't experience "independence" until 30s/early marriages. Cause what unmarried girl in her 20s is allowed to move out if she can afford it? it definitely wont be celebrated. Their freedom was marriage. So many kids now want a university away from home as their excuse to move out and "breathe".
Wajeeh we have to accept the way they are and do what we also want if its correct, but just allow some things dont tke everytng to heart.
Proud of mama Jee getting to a place of saying what needed to be said. Wajeeh needs to also go inward and heal the wound his inner child has that’s making it hard for him to let go of feeling like he isn’t enough.
Both have good points I'm ngl. I'm 19 and I agree with some points of mama jee and wajeeh but I can't find a middle ground unfortunately😅
Wajeeh- you are amazing at keeping at together. All of us love our parents but i would really lose my shit if my mum wasnt willing to hear and understand me. I would respect her but boy i 'd be maaaaaad...
He's at a point where he wants to feel like a man. He wants to make his own decisions and have his decisions respected and not questioned. Like someone else says in the comments, MamaG needs to cut the umbilical cord and let him feel like an independent being. This is such a common problem with desi parents and children, not feeling respected by parents and also feeling like they have to obey and follow their parents wishes regardless of what happens.
Wajeeee...its @aaliazainab commenting from my moms yt acc. I wanna say...i really feel you and resonate with your emotions and feelings..you're having here 44:35.......I'd have cried speaking this much truth to my family a❤❤❤❤ you're a innocent soul...we all are desi mentality despiser.
Gaslighting comes from an old movie. It was about a man who drove his wife insane by denying he dimmed the Gaslight. So Gaslighting is when someone tells you what you've done to them and you say that never happened or no I was doing this and that.
Wajeeh, you're expressing what we feel into words I can't even find when I try to have these discussions. Hearing other people empathize with what I have felt as a first gen brown kid feels healing in the way that its almost normal to feel these things because I'm not the only one feeling this way. My mom gets angry and hurt when my siblings and I express our thoughts about her actions and words and I just don't think they will ever understand us. But it's great to hear these conversations, keep it up!
I agree with a lot of what your mother says as I understand the context of her upbringing and culture. It is also not always easy to get the true meaning of your point across when you are not speaking your first language. However, I do have to set straight for all those watching that a child absolutely has rights over their parents in Islam, particularly during their periods of innocence and dependency. Please listen to Imam Omar Suleiman’s videos on the 40 hadith of justice, as well as reading the below:
Ibn ‘Umar said: “Allah has called them abrar (righteous) because they honoured (barru) their fathers and children. Just as your father has rights over you, so too your child has rights over you.” (Al-Adab al-Mufrad, 94)
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, according to a hadith (prophetic narration) narrated by ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar, “… and your child has rights over you.” (Muslim, 1159)
Al-Manawi said:
“Just as your parents have rights over you, so too your child has rights over you, rather many rights, such as teaching them the individual obligations, teaching them Islamic manners, giving them gifts equally, whether that is a gift, a waqf (endowment), or other gift. If preference is shown with no reason, that is regarded as invalid by some of the scholars and as makruh (disliked) by others.” (Fayd al-Qadir, 2/574)
‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “It is sufficient sin for a man if he neglects those on whom he is obliged to spend.” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, 1692; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albani in Sahih al-Jami’, 4481)
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in the sahih hadith (authentic narration): “Fear Allah and treat your children fairly.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 2447; Muslim, 1623).
This is vital knowledge for all parents. Thank you!
This brought tears in my eyes. My dad never talk to me about anything but school, grades and internships. I’m in college and I feel like I’ve discovered who I wanna be but I’m hiding my real personality when I’m not home.
It's different generations and also cultural differences.
Parents make sacrifices for their children and it feels horrible when children say they did that for them because parents would never want us to make sacrifices for them. Mama Jee is very special, sometimes she might sound harsh but one day, you will understand and every piece will fall into place like a puzzle. Sometimes we have to listen more than talking 😅
What a great podcast. One of the best! MaMaji is voicing what Desi parents go thru, and Wajeeh is voicing what the Desi children go thru. At the end of the day MaMaji wants the best for her children because she does not want to see them struggle thru life. It is for their benefit not hers. One is tough on their kids because they care not because they don’t. Raising successful children is her personal success as a parent and she is rightfully proud of that. Wajeeh has respectful values instilled in him by his Mom and that is why he is always trying to please his parents. At least they communicate whether they agree or not. Both need to show their appreciation for each other more often. What a great relationship they have and God Bless!
I'm not even Desi I'm African American and this is so helpful thank you
"its generational trauma...because its natural"... I swear I need to attend a chai talk session live and y'all NEED to do a public TedTalk round. Absolutely on point with these conversations- hands down 🙏🏻
I was legit gonna say mama jee is gaslighting and has been gaslighting but she's also really good at it to the point where she doesn't understand her faults. I literally was gonna mention is until wahjeeh said it too lol.
edit: 33 MINUTES in and I am so proud of you Wahjeeh. For a mother to say that she's always listened and was there for you it's really sad to see mama jee not consider you feelings and calling us who are speaking up 'wussies'. Mama Jee i respect you like every mother in this world but you have to understand to be considerable about your own children's feeling FIRST. You can seem like a great mom to the world, but you also have to act upon it. NOT saying you're not but it's just clear as day in Wahjeehs emotions that he just wants understanding. That's it. And soon as that happens you will start to understand him and your other kids better too. It is NEVER to late for anyone of any age to grow and learn. Life is short. Don't waste it being stubborn. I think parents should realize at least kids like Wahjeeh is putting in the effort for a conversation for the betterment of their relationship in the future, but sadly he'e being called drama queen. Wahjeeh, as a kid just like you, you are doing great and trying. And this all comes from a place of love, real love and care for their parents because if it wasn't important and if it didn't matter they would've just thought about their own lives and did their own thing. Mama Jee is lucky to have a son like Wahjeeh.
HAHAHA MORE EDITS:
Mama Jee please understand that even when we go on these trips and do things on our own we are ALSO always thinking about our family. The guilt for enjoying good things in life is rooted from he comments that's made like "wow, look at you in New York having a good time." as if we're not already guilt tripping ourselves that you're not on the trip and I'm having a good time. It's literally never ending. CONSIDERATION is legit all we are asking for. Ask me about my trip with intentions to know that I had a good time and was happy, instead of using it to gaslight me tomorrow that I'm always out and enjoying my life. Wasn't I brought on this earth to enjoy and be happy on it?
Wahjeeh you are so great for not holding this as a grudge and saying that out loud and accepting it. I know you're still working on it, but you saying that has helped me accept and do the same. The little self-help comments you make to calm down is legit what I do to try to get my point through but whew. It will be a day by day thing. Keep breathing haha.
Wishing your family all the best.
Both have points, but wajeeh, you are not a parent yet. You will not understand her points until you are a parent yourself. Maybe the way they do and say stuff might annoy us, but it is actually for the "betterment" for us. Nobody can love and care for us like our parents. I agree with another comment about western culture fueling these ideas. Sigh! Its a tough situation.
Kuddos to mama jee being open and having these conversations!!!
This is called an orphan spirit! It runs down the bloodline.
Such a good convo
We need Papa jee! on the next episode!!!!!
how you aren't crying already is insane, hats off and good luck
“For your betterment” and her not realizing that it’s exactly what she said to him
Ep21- This is my favourite episode!
As a child and teen u need ur parents to be parents to guide u. Once ur older ur relationship changes. Credit to ur parents for making u the person u are. Ur respectful successful. The fact that she pushed ur grades etc got u to become lawyer.
I totally agree with wajeeh, i totally agree where auntyg is Gaslighting sooo many times.
Omg I agree with you Wajeeh I get you 💯💯💯💯💯💯
love your mum respect her & get what she is saying unfortunately she is from a different generation from us they where not taught that kids have there own dreams and wishes they just want us to be the best in life to show others that my son/daughter has a degree but in the process they forget what the child's dreams are also the communication barrier of understanding is different which frustrates us and then the tone voice becomes "baatimeez" but actually them not understanding is raising the volume of your voice but just be patient 🤦♀️ but Aunty your hearts in the right place 💜
However omg 😲 I fully get you Wajeeh in these last 2 episodes totally agree when will they let us go??? But at the same time still be there for us!
Wow! What a conversation, I think this is a very normal feeling for a lot of brown kids and parents. Thank you for talking about it because often times we don’t with our parents and starts to fester within ourselves! Great mom and son, lots of love 💕
Do everything in life for the sake of Allah swt. The sense of accomplishment and contentment comes from him and only him. Not out of fear of your parents or fear of anything in general. Words of affirmation and validation from parents would help Wajih.
This is never ending bro , desi parents will never change lol never ending topic
I agree mamaji she is a honest woman and is up front she is your mother not your mate.. wajeeh needs really get a grip man up... wajeeh your behavior isnt good.. .