I like how there is more body language described in #2: Amanda exhales, Seth grins. I also like that we get a little more insight in Penny's personality with the phrase: she'll take care of you
Great examples! When I heard the description of Amanda looking for danger, it made me think of Amanda as a thrill seeker. A more reckless Amanda would completely change how the scene plays out.
My version: “You sure this horse won’t throw me off?” Amanda asked, fiddling the straps of her helmet. “She seems a little jumpy to me. Can't we try this tomorrow?” “Don’t worry, Penny’s a very gentle horse, she’ll take good care of you” Seth reassured her. “We’ll start slowly and work our way up. Haven't you rode one of these puppies before?” “Yeah, only once as a child, but I hardly think that counts” she scoffed softly. “Well, I’m sure it’ll all come back to you.” So Seth stepped in to give Amanda a leg up, she gathered the horse’s reins. For a flash, there’s a look of panic in her eyes, then seems to relax as Penny takes a few steps forward. Seth grinned shortly after. “There you go, see, that’s not so bad, is it?” he said. Amanda looks down at the horse uneasily, a stumbled laugh comes out of her. “I-I suppose it’s not quite as intimidating as I remember.” she smiled while still being a little nervous.
Oooh wow Kate, this was great. I really struggle with overwhelm since I have ADHD, and your focused and soothing personality along with the small snippets of very concrete examples is just AWESOME - there is no need for more, I get it! But I WANT more, ha! I wanna join the challenge. Can’t wait! Thank you, so grateful.
LOVED this video! I can’t get enough of “character voice” talk. It’s my favourite thing to think about and work on. As I move into a season where I know I’ll be able to spend more time writing, I am definitely looking at your Muse Challenge!
English is NOT my first language, so excuse me 😂: Under a sky that threatened rain but seemed content to merely hover in a grumpy gray, Amanda stood fiddling with the straps of her helmet, each adjustment as tentative as her resolve. Her eyes darted nervously between me and Penny, the gentle mare whose tail swished lazily as if mocking Amanda's hesitance. "Are you absolutely sure this horse isn't going to launch me into orbit?" Amanda's voice was a flutter of anxious wings. Her hesitance was palpable, mixing with the crisp autumn air to form a tense kind of thrill. She reminded me of a squirrel, poised at the edge of a daunting road, tail twitching, eyes widening with every uncertain second. "Penny is the gentlest giant you'll ever meet," I reassured her, allowing an easy grin to challenge the growing nervousness. "Think of her more like a living, breathing dream catcher; she'll hold you steady." Amanda's skeptical glance lingered on Penny, and then she sighed, her breath forming small clouds that dissipated into the air. "She looks more like she wants to audition for the next rodeo," she murmured, half-kidding, as her fingers reluctantly reached for the reins. "Besides," I added, "we'll take it at your pace. Ever been on one of these magnificent beasts before?" "Once," Amanda admitted sheepishly. "I was just a kid then. Barely remember more than the smell of hay. And the feeling of sand on my flat face." I grinned. That made her smile, too, and it felt like a personal victory. "Good thing muscle memory is a real thing," I said with a wink, helping her ascend from memory to moment by settling her into the saddle. Penny's ears flicked back, acknowledging the new rider with the patience of a seasoned teacher. For a heartbeat, time held its breath; Amanda's eyes widened as Penny made the first step. Then one step became two, and with each gentle sway, Amanda's fears seemed to wane. Her grip on the reins loosened, courage tentatively replacing her apprehension. "There you go! Not bad at all, huh?" I called out, sensing victory in her wavering smile. "Not as terrifying as anticipated," Amanda, her laugh shaky but there, like a quiet affirmation that this was just the beginning.
if you’re open to complimentary feedback from a stranger: you do not have to worry about English not being your first language. this is beautiful work. I commend you greatly for learning English. I am privileged to have been raised on it, but have heard it is a really tough language to learn. from what I see here, you’re not only using the language correctly, but able to play around with it creatively!! you’ve totally got it 😊
"Fiddling with the straps of her riding helmet" also implies that Amanda is nervous and doesn't really know what she's doing, which adds to her characterization as a fish out of water.
“Are you sure this horse won’t throw me off?” Amanda asks, playing with the straps of her riding helmet. “She seems a little jumpy to me. Maybe we should try this another day.” she suggests. “Don’t worry, nothing happens, Penny is the gentlest horse you have ever seen. She will take good care of you.” I reassure her. “We’ll start slowly and work our way up from there. Have you ever ridden before?” I ask “Yeah once, when I was a child." she replies thoughtfully. "But I hardly think that counts,” she laughs dryly. “Well, I’m sure it will all come back to you.” I help her mount on the horse and she gathers the horse’s reins. For a moment, there’s a look of panic in her eyes, then she seems to relax as Penny takes a few steps forward. “There you go-see, that’s not so bad, is it?” I say with a grin. Amanda looks down at the horse uneasily, and lets out a laugh “I-I suppose it’s not quite as intimidating as I remember.”
NOOOOO!!! The premiere's at one A.M!!! No matter, I am thankful that it is about writing in distinct character voices, I, uh, really needed that! *Glances at the pile of papers of the same scene in two 'different' character's perspectives.* I really do.
The first one seemed flat to me, the second one feels more natural. Amanda sounds more uneasy and nervous in the second one which feels more authentic to me.
I like how there is more body language described in #2: Amanda exhales, Seth grins. I also like that we get a little more insight in Penny's personality with the phrase: she'll take care of you
Love your thoughts here! Thank you for sharing 🙏
You and your sister have helped me so much in my writing. More than you'll ever know. Thank you so much.
Great examples! When I heard the description of Amanda looking for danger, it made me think of Amanda as a thrill seeker. A more reckless Amanda would completely change how the scene plays out.
My version:
“You sure this horse won’t throw me off?” Amanda asked, fiddling the straps of her helmet. “She seems a little jumpy to me. Can't we try this tomorrow?”
“Don’t worry, Penny’s a very gentle horse, she’ll take good care of you” Seth reassured her. “We’ll start slowly and work our way up. Haven't you rode one of these puppies before?”
“Yeah, only once as a child, but I hardly think that counts” she scoffed softly.
“Well, I’m sure it’ll all come back to you.”
So Seth stepped in to give Amanda a leg up, she gathered the horse’s reins. For a flash, there’s a look of panic in her eyes, then seems to relax as Penny takes a few steps forward.
Seth grinned shortly after. “There you go, see, that’s not so bad, is it?” he said.
Amanda looks down at the horse uneasily, a stumbled laugh comes out of her. “I-I suppose it’s not quite as intimidating as I remember.” she smiled while still being a little nervous.
Oooh wow Kate, this was great. I really struggle with overwhelm since I have ADHD, and your focused and soothing personality along with the small snippets of very concrete examples is just AWESOME - there is no need for more, I get it! But I WANT more, ha! I wanna join the challenge. Can’t wait! Thank you, so grateful.
LOVED this video! I can’t get enough of “character voice” talk. It’s my favourite thing to think about and work on. As I move into a season where I know I’ll be able to spend more time writing, I am definitely looking at your Muse Challenge!
English is NOT my first language, so excuse me 😂:
Under a sky that threatened rain but seemed content to merely hover in a grumpy gray, Amanda stood fiddling with the straps of her helmet, each adjustment as tentative as her resolve. Her eyes darted nervously between me and Penny, the gentle mare whose tail swished lazily as if mocking Amanda's hesitance.
"Are you absolutely sure this horse isn't going to launch me into orbit?" Amanda's voice was a flutter of anxious wings. Her hesitance was palpable, mixing with the crisp autumn air to form a tense kind of thrill. She reminded me of a squirrel, poised at the edge of a daunting road, tail twitching, eyes widening with every uncertain second.
"Penny is the gentlest giant you'll ever meet," I reassured her, allowing an easy grin to challenge the growing nervousness. "Think of her more like a living, breathing dream catcher; she'll hold you steady."
Amanda's skeptical glance lingered on Penny, and then she sighed, her breath forming small clouds that dissipated into the air. "She looks more like she wants to audition for the next rodeo," she murmured, half-kidding, as her fingers reluctantly reached for the reins.
"Besides," I added, "we'll take it at your pace. Ever been on one of these magnificent beasts before?"
"Once," Amanda admitted sheepishly. "I was just a kid then. Barely remember more than the smell of hay. And the feeling of sand on my flat face."
I grinned. That made her smile, too, and it felt like a personal victory.
"Good thing muscle memory is a real thing," I said with a wink, helping her ascend from memory to moment by settling her into the saddle. Penny's ears flicked back, acknowledging the new rider with the patience of a seasoned teacher.
For a heartbeat, time held its breath; Amanda's eyes widened as Penny made the first step. Then one step became two, and with each gentle sway, Amanda's fears seemed to wane. Her grip on the reins loosened, courage tentatively replacing her apprehension.
"There you go! Not bad at all, huh?" I called out, sensing victory in her wavering smile.
"Not as terrifying as anticipated," Amanda, her laugh shaky but there, like a quiet affirmation that this was just the beginning.
if you’re open to complimentary feedback from a stranger: you do not have to worry about English not being your first language. this is beautiful work. I commend you greatly for learning English. I am privileged to have been raised on it, but have heard it is a really tough language to learn. from what I see here, you’re not only using the language correctly, but able to play around with it creatively!! you’ve totally got it 😊
@@lllllllladybuuuug thank you so much! that means the world to me! 🥰
Hi kate
Best of luck with your new project! ! I'm super excited was always hoping for something like it!! A nice step for you!! 😊
thank you SO MUCH, Sean! I am thrilled you like this new initiative!
"Fiddling with the straps of her riding helmet" also implies that Amanda is nervous and doesn't really know what she's doing, which adds to her characterization as a fish out of water.
Thank you for this. I needed this.
Thank you Kate, Dialogue is something I struggle with
Hello everyone. Just joined. Love content like this 🙏
thank you so much for your kind words and for being here, friend! 📖🙏
The examples are really helpful. Thank you for sharing this video.
thank you so much for being here! So glad this could help
Amazing job thank you!
This was great. Thank you.
“Are you sure this horse won’t throw me off?” Amanda asks, playing with the straps of her riding helmet. “She seems a little jumpy to me. Maybe we should try this another day.” she suggests.
“Don’t worry, nothing happens, Penny is the gentlest horse you have ever seen. She will take good care of you.” I reassure her. “We’ll start slowly and work our way up from there. Have you ever ridden before?” I ask
“Yeah once, when I was a child." she replies thoughtfully.
"But I hardly think that counts,” she laughs dryly.
“Well, I’m sure it will all come back to you.”
I help her mount on the horse and she gathers the horse’s reins. For a moment, there’s a look of panic in her eyes, then she seems to relax as Penny takes a few steps forward. “There you go-see, that’s not so bad, is it?” I say with a grin.
Amanda looks down at the horse uneasily, and lets out a laugh “I-I suppose it’s not quite as intimidating as I remember.”
NOOOOO!!! The premiere's at one A.M!!!
No matter, I am thankful that it is about writing in distinct character voices, I, uh, really needed that!
*Glances at the pile of papers of the same scene in two 'different' character's perspectives.*
I really do.
The first one seemed flat to me, the second one feels more natural. Amanda sounds more uneasy and nervous in the second one which feels more authentic to me.
Good evening everyone!
❤
I find some of your writing advice helpful. But why all this EsotericManifestationWellness nonsense? It made me cancel.
You look tired. Hope you're alright.