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for me the biggest problem with my social life was that i felt like i was lonely when i was with people and i realized that this was caused by me always just agreeing with people even when i really didn't and also it seemed to make people not respect me. so basically i was being too much of the nice guy.
That could be because most people have no depth or personality, they have template opinions. You will get more respect if you be yourself, and even if your opinions put people off you , they are not usuallt people worth having in your life. Never be a "yes-man"; but also don't be the person that dissagrees for the sake of disagreeing, as that is just annoying.
Sadly you can't really bring your true self to most social environments. You may not have a strong a drive as others to fit in, but that is what you need to do. That does imply that you must pretend to accept the dictates of popular culture as enforced by the media apparatus of your country because that is the expectation for everyone else. Most guys don't have an opinion or focus on something else like sports because having a dissenting view often gets in the way of fitting in.
I was very social when I was younger, in my late 30s I discovered most people were self centered users/takers; and in my 40s that even most of my family were essentially just as bad. I'm not saying avoid being social, but don't give too much to people until they have proved their worth, start to identify strong traits early and become as comfortable ending relationships that are one sided as you are starting new relationships. This means as your social circle grows, cut dead weigh to ensure you are not being Energy Santa and everyone in your social is high value and deserves you as a friend...... else you end up surrounded by various types of parasite and always rushed off your feet and scrificing for those that would not do the same for you.
Exactly. Don't waste your time/money with those users/takers. They are mostly disingenious, egocentric and never give back! I only give my energy and gift to people who make life more enjoyable and are actually ingenious.
Unfortunately most men is the vast majority think almost solely with their appendages. Same experience as you. Women are actually similar but not to the same extent and will do more for you especially if they're trying to get laid by you of course
During university and high school, I used to think I was introverted, but I realised I just didn't like superficial contacts, so I started to look for more one on one in person conversations / friendships. This made me realise I was less introverted than I thought I was
I feel the same way. I have a few very strong friendships all of whom I know I can ring when the S*** hits the fan and they will be there for me. My Sister who I always envied as being big socialiser admitted to me a lot of the people she knows would flake on her in difficult situations and are there just for the good times.
This is a great video. For those who want to develop a social circle, I would like to expand on the part about being patient and sticking to the plan for the long term. When joining in some group activity, it takes a while to become a "regular". If you show up to a martial arts class, yoga class, book club, (whatever), and you go a few times but don't feel like you fit in, DO NOT GIVE UP. Keep going even if it feels awkward. It's human nature that it takes us a while to build trust and feel bonded with a new person. Keep showing up. Over the span of months of regular attendance, and with halfway decent social skills, you will find others accept you and bring you into the feeling of belonging.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 Been there, done that. As a man in a female-dominated activity like yoga, it does feel weird at first. It took me about 2 or 3 months of regular attendance at the yoga studio for the ladies to notice I wasn't a creepy stalker, and they warmed to me. Seven years later and now I am a certified yoga teacher. Most of my students are female, and they keep coming back every week. So yes, keep showing up. It works!
@@CosineKitty Yeah I was thinking about joining a Yoga club. Would you say it could be a realistic expectation to maybe even meet your female partner in there? Like if you are in your 30s? Or are all the women already taken in relationships? Or like is it easy to make female friends there? I'm just inquiring about the overall value of making such a move because Alexander said male friends first and then female friends. You'd be skipping steps if you do this technically. But yeah let me know your experience since I will walk in your footsteps. I was thinking about only doing activities at my local university since imo it's the best crowd to target. But yeah what about a random yoga studio in the general public. Imo martial arts classes are completely useless for meeting partner prospect since it's 99% dudes there usually. But yeah probably a good place to make male friends.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 If your goal is to find a girlfriend and play the long game, I would start with Alex's advice about making male friends first. I wouldn't go into a yoga class for the immediate goal of finding a girlfriend. Don't pick your activity because of the gender mix, pick it because you really want to do that activity, whatever it is. It really won't matter how many guys or gals are there, trust me. Some more context about my experience: I started yoga at age 46. I was (and am still) married. I was working from home as a software developer. I was totally out of shape and I became concerned about my drinking. I wasn't quite to the point of being an alcoholic, but I did notice drinking was becoming less and less optional over time. I also felt socially isolated. So I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I just wanted to be around people while doing something to get more physically in shape. So I stopped drinking and started eating better. I noticed how I was feeling physically better, but without alcohol to numb me out, even more socially isolated and lonely. It may sound bad that I felt lonely even though married, but my wife totally understood. She told me that no spouse can fill every emotional need. It's too much pressure on one person and unrealistic. We all need a variety of social relationships to be emotionally healthy. Due to my particular childhood experiences, I don't enjoy competitive team sports. I was always ridiculed, picked on, and chosen last for everything. If there was a girl in a wheelchair, I would be picked after her (just kidding, but only partly). I had practiced hapkido in my early 20's but the only thing I enjoyed about it was the stretching exercises. So I decided to try yoga, and I immediately took to it. It was just super fun and challenging for me. I had tried many different ways to become physically fit before, and until yoga, I always got bored and gave up after a couple of weeks. I have been practicing yoga regularly now for the last 6 years. I am so much happier and healthier now. (As an aside, if you are in your 20s or 30s, and you are not happy, don't give up. Keep trying stuff. Things can get better!) I think a really good idea is to pick your social activity first and foremost based on what you really enjoy and find satisfying in its own right. Ask yourself, what would I do for the fun of it if I already was in the relationship of my dreams? Women are highly intuitive and can immediately sense that "desperation energy" if you are doing something just to meet women. No man should try to beat women at that game because he will lose! It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight, LOL. No, pick the activity you are passionate about and pursue it for its own sake, and for the sake of making platonic friends secondarily. You will start to build your social circle. Have a mission other than pursuing women. It's counterintuitive, but women are attracted to men focused on their mission and life goals. I hope something in what I wrote is helpful.
@@CosineKitty It is but this is 100% of my problem. None of my hobbies are attracted to women. Like my main hobbies currently are video games and working out alone by myself. They're not social hobbies like Yoga or martial arts. I guess my solution is to try them and monkey branch between activities at first. Then once I'll have found my good one. Then I'll monkeybranch between social circles. And then between high quality women lol.
The fact is that most people prefer to spend their time with people they are close to as they get older and less time on superficial social interactions. As I exit my 30s with not even a semblance of a partner or family, the thought that persists in my mind is that I'm inevitably going to become another statistic, and there's reasonably nothing that will change that. Positive social interactions are so few and far between that I literally feel a shock of joy and confusion when a cashier (or some other random stranger) smiles at me or says "have a good day." It only becomes clearer as time goes on that some people will just never be accepted or valued by society in general.
Being socially desirable is the best way to increase the number of positive interactions you have with people. I know you might think that everyone deserves positive social interactions, but the reality is that people are evolutionary programmed to mostly expend time and resources on people who they deem valuable to the tribe. Try becoming more physically attractive, better dressed and well groomed and throw out positive emotion to the world. Someone who is surprised by positive social interactions probably isn’t exactly projecting the most positive emotion outwards.
@@thomasowen2585 Very unfortunately true, people ignore me or try to clown on me when I'm being nice but when I walk around with fake confidence ppl see that as competence and treat me differently even though I'm more obnoxious. I just want to chill with nice ppl but generally most in the West just want high value and competence. Our culture is based on capitalism so everything is superficial and materialistic.
This is what I found too and especially women seem to function like that. Like they seem to prioritize and ok match that is right there in front of her rather than go after or seek a really good match. And this is why I'm questioning this idea about social circle leapfrogging. Like I really like the idea but especially when you get older, people just don't really go out that much anymore.
@@thomasowen2585 I don't think anyone deserves al anything outside of what is explicitly described in an agreement/contract, but I can still wish that things were different. A person who buys a lottery ticket doesn't think they _deserve_ to win, but they certainly would like to. You're right, physical attractiveness is the most significant factor when it comes to social value. Unfortunately, physical attractiveness can only be improved a small amount and is ultimately not something we can control. Some of us simply cannot and will not have enough value to be socially accepted.
yeah i mean not really. the problem is that meeting in these situations usually guarantees that's the only connection you have. and thus, you won't ever meet outside of gym
@@Blox117 lol did you even watch the video? That's only if you're not PROACTIVE like Alex said and you don't take the initiative and make something happen outside the gym. You think you're gonna be working out and the big gym chad is gonna come up to you and invite you out to escape your loneliness. Nope. Did you even watch the video?
I'd like to add. If you're a person of social status, you have the option of being social and you're always being invited to social events, get togethers. If you're not of any or have low social status, you're a nobody, you're not even a shadow on the ground. You're going to have to put yourself out there and force yourself to attend events.
Thinking back to my high school and college days (I had lots of parties as I left home at 15 played a lot of sports and was a dope dealer and dj) this kind of person would have to be careful not too appear to desparate as that is a turnoff to cool people who are outgoing and confortable in their own skin. Play it cool and don't be a letch would be my advice. Even worse than being invisible is being repellant so people actively avoid or evade you.
This is so true. A great equalizer I have found is partner dance. I cannot begin to recount the benefits of partner dance to both men and women, but especially men. It is how (after I moved to the US as a lone wolf) I created my first circle of acquaintances and the picked the highest quality friends ever, and then met my fiancé.
I think it has less to do with status and more to do with content of character. Substance, solidity, personhood, groundedness, interiority, wit, charm, humour, all characteristics and virtues sadly lacking in the younger generations. I see only empty husks, addicted to social media with nothing of interest to actually share on that media. It matters not what your status is if you are an empty, weak, uninteresting, uninterested husk of a human being.
Work is kind of a crazy suggestion in to make friends in 2022. Plenty of people out here who might only see their colleagues on a zoom call for 10 minutes once a month ...
I had a huge social circle like 5 years ago and could probably find at least 3 different people to hang out with on any given day. It was crazy fun and Alexander is spot on about how to build it. It gets easier and easier the more you do it. Then slowly I bonded with a few people and others fell out of the picture. I now have very good solid smaller circle but it's even better. Being social is essential to a fulfilled life
Read an article during the pandemic that said it takes about 50 hours of interactions to make someone become an acquaintance...200 to be more of a friend. Think about that..
I have been attraced to activities that involve developing body consciousness since my early teens. I had to move from a city where I could practice high level acro yoga, slackline and contact improvisation. I was frustrated that in the new town there are no such communities to practice these sports. 2 years ago I moved to a new city where I didn't know anybody. Started working out in the local open air gym/sport center. Among the regular people, there were a bunch of dudes with Dragonball tattoos pulling some crazy stunts like double bacflips. I immediately thought, I wanted to train like them. It turned out that they were the local parcour gang. I found this amazing, and it motivated me to show off my slackline skills to them one day. For that I had to officially register my slackline activity in the local sport center, as they didn't know about the sport at all. The kids loved when they got the chance to try it. After the parcour gang noticed this, they came to talk to me. I said that they can try my slackline in exchange for workout advice. :) We became good friends, they are super cool to work out with, they give fantastic feedback regarding workouts, so I can develop faster. During one of these trainings, a guy came who did some awesome breakdance moves. I asked him how he learned it and he introduced me to the local breakdance group. I took a look at the training event, and I immediately saw that this is the next step I have to take to develop the strength and flexibility I achieved through doing slackline and yoga for 3 years previously. For a year now, I am going to breakdance trainings 3-4 times a week, + I am invited to 1 indoor parcour training during the weekend during winter time when we are not training outside. I enjoy all this a lot and I am invited to related events, parties, training camps, competitions, where I meet dozens of people, male and female and my social life is constantly evolving. This is my story. Happened exactly how Alexander says. I have to add a few things though. If you are integrating to a new community, you must be humble. Everyone knows, that you are the new guy. Don't try to be the center of attention and the defining factor. People love if you are receptive, acknowledge their expertiese, open to advice, willing to learn from them, and be ready to accept if they are on a dfferent educational or social level and adapt to it. In return, they will be open to you, then you can show your talents if they are interested. For example when the parcoue gang found out that I was doing yoga, they asked for stretching advice. Thanks to me, they could improve their joint stregth mobility and unlock even higher level moves. Plus you will be acknowledged if you are making actual regular effort in their field. As long as you see value in them, you will get the feedback you need to develop, and you will see value in yourself through them. Always look for common grounds instead of focusing on differences. I also recommend surrounding yourself with people who are much better than you in one aspect of life in which you want to make progress, at least so they can motivate you, and you can learn from them. You will find out, that in other aspects of life you are better and they can learn from you, so you won't feel inferior to them.
Every time I hear about or witness (you see it everywhere when you look) the INSANE levels of loneliness in men, my heart aches. It is such an acute social problem, which has consequences in literally every domain (family formation, liveliness of community, productivity, hence the economy, the livelihood of future generations, etc.), that it's unbelievable the degree to which it is brushed off as unimportant by most. I have the same reaction as you do, it's so sad...
Women took all of the men's spaces. Men are now relegated to garages and basements...things called man CAVES...the most primitive place a creature could live. And what was IMMEDIATELY created in response? "She Sheds." A completely separate structure, with windows and air conditioning...that her husband had to build and likely pay for. You can't even go to the gym without self-absorbed female Instagram "influencers" ruining everyone's time. As I've said before: It was never about getting equality, it was about getting "even."
I was a nerd during my childhood, puberty and university years, so I have almost no true friends, and thus dating via social circle is impossible to me. Thanks for explaining how to create it from the scratch!
The good thing is, most extroverted cool kids eventually learn that most relationships they nurtured and held on to were one sided and meaningless after sacrificing decades of time and energy.
Man the part about social life after having kids is so true. I think that it is something that starts already at the age of 25 though. There was a canadian psychololgist who did a study on it. Her findings said that getting new friends after the age of 25 is less socially acceptable compared to before 25 because it is at a point in life where most people your own age aren´t looking for new friends as people then have started to settle down with partners and have gotten kids/married. Learning good social skills and putting yourself out there is really crucial by the time you have reached the ladder half of your 20´s. I think it depends a lot wether you are around people from your own country or foreigners though. Was sitting in the Kantine at my school. There was just me and a guy with immigrant background from Africa. He just sat down at my table saying: "No point in being antisocial, might as well sit down here.". Nobody from my country would have done that lol. I also feel like age difference is less relevant when you are socializing with foreigners.
So true about the after 25 part. I've reached out to my immediate social circle and they are in the 30s and nobody got time for anything these days. But again it's not secret here. At uni is the best place to build your social circle. It's a big community of available people under the same roof that do things together.
Hi Alexander, I read somewhere and this resonated with me- you are the aggregation of the four best people you know. I recently was spurred on to learn a foreign language from a friend who could speak four languages fluently. I have learnt a musical instrument from somebody who studied music who saw my passion for listening to music and said " music is such a big thing in your life, why don't you play an instrument?". Being around high quality people rubs off.
This is excellent advice for a young guy. The most success - and enjoyment - I've had was surrounding myself with people who have similar interests as me, although making those connections can be intimating. By nature, I'm a shy person. I wish I had wise counselors when I was younger like Alexander Grace - it sure would have saved me from a lot of grief.
How to build a social network to get into an relationship, so that, once you’re in one, your significant other can do her best to isolate you from those friends again… 😂
Aye, turning down invites out to do something else is how I lost all my close friends. I'm trying to slowly reconnect because having no one but coworkers to talk to is a pretty lonely life. Which gets to me at times.
Why did you do it? There is a type of guy who does this once they get in a relationship....they turn down all invites like it is beneath them and become a ghost....then pop up into existence again if they break up. Other dudes h8 this.
@@Cryptoversity Some times it was a relationship. That is one habit I won't do if I ever date again. Some of it was they have their own families. We had a monthly get together but after awhile people just stopped wanting to do it. This last time, I got into a funk and didn't feel like being near anybody. Stopped talking to people unless necessary for nearly 6 months. By the time I started emerging out of that funk everyone was gone. I reaped what I sowed. So I only blame myself. Hope that answered your question.
For a few times in my life I thought I was getting more friends and a bigger social circle. But then always something happens and the group just breaks and people disappear and I'm back to square one. It gets so tiring that you don't have the motivation and energy to even try anymore.
Good stuff, at the start WE HAVE TO put in work at first, plant the seeds with potential friends or acquaintances then overtime you enjoy the fruits of your labor
1. Start attending social events where you work or study. Even better if you can invite people. Try making it 3 times a week. (Big or small events) 2. Start figuring out people who you gel with. Probably you'll get into their social circles as well who'd have people of similar nature.
No I don't think so Alexander, I'm not forcing myself to make it into any social circle. If I get invited and if its interesting then only I'm coming otherwise I'm enough
Alexander is spot on. When I vacationed in Ibiza, it felt kind of weird going by yourself. But I had to put myself out there and so I did. Within two days I made a bunch of friends inviting me to go bar hoping, met a couple of millionaires, people mistaken me for yakuza, had sex with a beautiful Spanish woman that spoke no English she showed me it’s the journey not the destination that matters, invited to an orgy by a polish couple because they never had Asian before, girls and random people were constantly stealing me from one group to another, met a beautiful Italian woman but time was short and never got to know each other well enough to see if we should date. That was THE BEST vacation I ever went on.
I'm in college so it's very easy for me RN . I will use this opportunity to socialize and have contacts . I have met very nice people. But still I'm so introverted. But I'm scared what will happen if I go to a workplace. I don't like watching movies. Very rare that u would watch something. Other than that I like music , mma, gym and videogames. I have this extrovert friend , he was very proactive. But then I became proactive and asked him weather he plays in his laptop. He wanted to install gta5 from my hard drive then I suggested him beamng drive. And he liked it . I was shoked too see someone loving something for same reason I do. I am still very awkward and introverted also very lazy. There's so many things I genuinely want to do but I can't because I'm tired or busy. So I'm very very slow at this.
The best way for me to give advice on this or share my experience is that being in a work environment can help you with your social skills and the better you understand social cues and how to be likable The more likely you are to move up. Trying to be outgoing and have a broad range of interest so that way you have at least something in common with most people that you can talk about and provide fulfillment in your life because they're hobbies. Try to think of life as full of opportunities not to the point that you're delusional Lee optimistic but more so you understand the cards that you've been dealt and try to figure out the best way for you to play. Personally what I do in order to try and be as productive as possible is to have a hard schedule with work school and gym and organizing free time for hang out with friends and even interacting with them in other areas of my schedule such as seeing friends at work or talking to friends at school. The best way to make friends is to have a level of confidence about yourself which should come from a source that you can be confident about (you can be confident because you make a lot of money you're attractive or are you just have a positive attitude but at the same time the halo effect applies where if you don't have anything you actually can be confident about most people see that confidence as arrogance) so try to have common interests with people try to schedule your time affectively so that way you're not wasting any I try to stay busy in moving forward and achieving goals understand what is an appealing personality and try to emulate that.
I am so glad that I did this. I have been the social hub for too long. This only exposed me for people who only wanted to use me. I'm so glad that I have no regrets about this
I'm the guy with no social life in his early 30s whose friends have all partnered up and have children. I was starting to embark on this process when the Pandemic hit and destroyed all my progress. The small group thing that I was attending at church died when church got cancelled, and now that church is back, everybody is doing other stuff or moved away. People always say church is a good place to make friends, but mine seems to have nobody to befriend.
Hey is church a good place to make friends? I was recently invited by a lady I was getting along with well. It just doesn't seem my kind of thing(chanting and praying).
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 it can be. But realize if the whole religion thing isn't your thing, it might make it harder to find good friendships. In my case, being a Christian is already a huge part of my identity; there just don't seem to be a whole lot of my peers in attendance.
@@mbrsart True but it's interesting because usually religious people tend to be extremely loyal. Not always but this was the woman who invited me. She truly was a high quality woman and an introverted intellect homebody(my exact match). I don't think I have ever met a woman with whom I was able to connect so well while sharing my experience. But yeah she was married and had kids. Yeah I don't see myself joining and standing alone in there. Tell me the demography of churches. Is it only old ladies and grandpas in there lol? I have been considering joining BJJ but yeah ratio of female is horrible in there.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 It varies from church to church, and the only way to get a handle on a particular congregation's demographics is to visit. My church is intrinsically tied to a preschool and an elementary school on the same property, so most of the members are people with ties to those schools. In my case, I went there from 2nd-8th grade, and I became a church member in high school after my family found ourselves there more often than our other church. We have a lot of young families and a lot of people whose kids went to the school but are now grown with kids of their own. I know of one other single person who attends regularly, but she's closer to my parents' age. I've stopped going in large part because I don't feel the same sense of community I felt before and during college; it's like they don't know what to do with me since I never found a wife.
Moving to a new country as a working adult is tough. You have to be so much more proactive. It's even harder if the corporate culture emphasizes political correctness and wokeness, making it harder to trust the people you meet there. I found is a lot easier to make friends in a crew of working class dudes than a corporate office. Maybe because I'm working class myself.
I've been a drifter since I was born going home to home constantly and I'm used to being the other male of a house holding up the roof for parties, events, we boxed, play small tournaments, went for walks and had group projects. I lost everything and had to recover speech some from boxing and after a suicide attempt and being forced far, far out into the countryside into a small room isolation with a faulty sidewalk that gives me hip/lower back problems and a 5 mile drive to the nearest thing and a near 2 hour drive to my old contacts. I'm not great in groups, but I can keep the room up and I write enough to always have something ridiculous to say. In my isolation I was refurbishing my skills talking to a girl. It went bad after pouring out my soul trying to be ready I feel extremely alienated from people I used to know feeling like I have no one I can press against and any relationship I make just feels like it's going to rot, it's a been a madhouse part to my insane hours at 3am and 5pm. So many people just feel so eroded idk how to connect or if it's even worth so even with family, so I flip thru some of my jokes It's so wierd I dressed up as the shedder this weekend and there was near no life energy at a party with 40 people :/ I did ask someone if I could over react to the haunted trail, then I told them I needed to hold their hand and had them rolling. Idk I'm bad at not making a splash when I want, not good at creating/entering vibes and pulling them to surface to lace into good group topics. I get overly logical and position of everything focused, I like a full explanation/understanding of the chess moves of a situation before I disengage if I wasn't bored Kind of fall out of my body of the moment and can get really cold by mistake thinking if people need ____
Brilliant advice, I think as well a lot of men (and anyone) can fall into depression and struggle to maintain friendships and then they feel things are too damaged to fix. It is never too late. A lot of you will also struggle to connect with other people because you will struggle with being vulnerable and if you want a friendship with a bit of depth you will have to show some vulnerability eventually. (not too soon though). If you're currently depressed then you will find nothing and no one will make you feel happy but if you get treatment your chances of getting better and feeling good with people will improve, you will also think you always felt that way and that is just the way you've always been but you're brain tricks you and rewrites your memories
Exactly why I asked him on Patron to do this video. He keeps mentioning the behaviour that women display and he does have a genuine dept to this. But to 99% of us, this is irrelevant because we're still stuck at step 1.
I'm very introverted, very lonely, and it was even worse these last years, although, to be fair, it didn't bothered me. I had no girlfriend anymore, for years, no family, no friends anymore, and I work from home. In september I started to take a class with people, once a week. I got out of my comfort zone. I have to ask each time for a ride to take me home (not easy for me, but I had no choice), and almost each time it's a different person, so I get to know some people. Also, I met a pretty girl, very intelligent and nice, she seems to be interested too, so wait and see... So, it seems to work. Much better than I expected. I'm starting to have a social life again, and this time on better grounds, not with toxic or useless people. Maybe because I'm ready, when I was alone all these years I learned to enjoy my own company, I took care of myself, I accepted to be alone, without needing anyone. I think that doing something on a regular basis, like a comedy class, or yoga, etc., is the key, it's much more difficult to meet people by just going to a party once a month, let alone by going to a bar or a club, espcially if you're introverted. You have to share something and see these people several times.
Exactly my thought too. I've started going to hiking groups but it's a complete waste of time because we never see each other. It's a one time thing. But I'm struggling to find classes that would be recurring.
meetup (atleast here in the States) is pretty good way to meet people in your own age group to do stuff, especially if you are older. I have gone on kayaking events, hiking and pub quizes and met new people I haven't meet before and made some friends. As a postdoc from Europe in America with an H1b visa it has been crucial since all my friends where on the other side of the Atlantic ocean.
I'm 40 and have no proper friends, thing is I'm autistic and a massive loaner so I choose to live this way, but it means there's next to no way to meet women, I like being in a relationship and from 15 to 35 I was in several, bit after taking 5 years off I have no idea where to start, I think you're right though a social circle is the way, I'm just super terrible at building one, wish me luck.
@@SurfyStories yeah I'm autistic so I don't always get when other people are joking so I accidentally take them seriously. Good joke tho the kind I would make.
I'm too mean to get into social circles. I tend to find myself pushed out because I tell people the reality of the situation, rather than lie to their face and make them feel this temporary good feeling and validation.
Me my problem with that is that everybody in my social circle ghosts when I contact them to spend some quality time with. Like even my family. Probably what he meant that the older you get the harder it is to do this. Like for college students this is realistic. But once you are like in your 30s, everybody is busy. Like even if I am willing to invest this effort, I find other people who don't have this problem or at least to the same extend aren't willing.
This is circular. Maybe you already have friends you can hang out with. No? Well, maybe you can invite another man, a complete stranger to your house for BOARD GAMES? Can't do that? Join a club that only exists in large cities, like a philosophical discussion group (What?). Don't live there? Play a sport you have no interest in...but it MUST reflect who you are. Like martial arts! That's you, right?
No matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to be interested in sports, or martial arts, bars, clubs and parties are painfully boring and especially if you are straight edge while everyone else who you might get along with is so preoccupied with getting high/drunk as the main social bonding method at these events
@@boogie1434 Same with me. I had tried to relate to other fellows in the area but they're either not very engaging or simply irresponsible. Too bad you don't live near Port Macquarie, we could annoy each other.
Meet Up Groups used to be cool for this. Hikes, Biking, Hash House Scavenger Hunts, RC Car Racing, Drone Racing, Walking Tours, Karaoke, Movie Night, Gaming Nights, Moto Rides, Car Shows, Road Trips
Good advice bro. I'm so tired after work. But I try and drag myself to something at minimum once a week. In-between working out and 60 hours of work a week there's not much left in the tank.
People with strong social circles live longer & are healthier too, in addition to the obvious benefits! Check out Dunbar’s books (evolutionary psychology of socialisation) to learn more about some of the science.
its funny how obvious it is once it is said. friends are all around us, they are the ones around us doing the things we like to do. like working out, have you thought it would be cool or fun to talk to someone about your work out with while there? maybe, just maybe the Dude next to you is thinking the same thing. ask them what workout they are doing or their routine. like hiking, maybe strike up a conversation with a fellow hiker instead of thinking I should walk faster so its not so weird to be next to them basically you need to start trying to be an extrovert. and that sucks... maybe ask if its aright if you just hang. to be friends with someone, you dont have to always being the person to talk, maybe like yourself they dont like talking, so you ask, "is it alright if im quite, does that bother you?" would it bother you if they were quite? *punctuation*
While I can enjoy spending time with my fellow students, because the levels of conversations you can have with them is deeper than with, say, the high-school party types, I also never find myself missing any of them while they’re absent. 🤔
I found it difficult to throw a party, but it was much easier if the party was run WITH someone else and they invite people and help entertain etc but it's at your place. Like maybe it's their birthday party at your place...
No friends and I work from home. Never met any of the people I work with they can be from anywhere in the world. Our video calls are just audio. I have been trying to go out wednesday, thursday, and friday for dinner just to start conversations with random people. no luck yet. my main hobby is solo sailing. But i'm better than most I'm divorced and have had multiple relationships so I've loved and lost. I also solo travel. people are friendlier in other countries I've found. I'm in the US. I'm 48 and feel for the young guys that have never had any relationships at all.
I'm afraid Alexander that it doesn't matter whether or not you got a social circle. From realistic point of view, the girls in your group of friends still use Tinder and dating apps; so they might hang around the "Circle" only for fun while at home, they're doing chad and tyron (the same cycle that never ends). Women today will find tons of excuses or reasons to reject a guy they're not attracted to. Just being a close circle friend might get you laid if a girl had enough pity on the guy but otherwise, she is still chasing chads and tyrons and craves for them while the average guy is irrelevant and invisible to her.
I move a lot for work. Whenever I get into a new town my approach to meet guy friends is this. “What’s up man, I’m new in town and looking for a few bros.” It almost never fails.
The best way to attract women is to develop yourself, create something, get involved in yourself and GUARANTEED a woman will notice and want to either ruin it or take it from you.
For me as a melancholic dude it's really hard to create social circle, or rather join one... I thought I did until recently. But I feel like I'm invisible there so far... And that's a very frustrating feeling...
Just an idea, maybe think what groups would have other people of your same personality type (I am assuming this current group aren't, else you might not be feeling like an invisible wallflower). I have a fairly introverted, antisocial friend in South America (he is not from here, he is from New Zealand) who met others like him on Discord groups, and his wife actually. It allowed him to get out of NZ and move to Peru, which he likes much more.....even though he is still mostly in his room on the computer. Those digital groups led to a change in physical reality and business.
I like how for a woman to find romance all she needs is to take a shower. Meanwhile for a man it's like: "hey bro, I know you are hornу, but in order for you to get a GF, you must first build up an extensive social circle with at least 3 activities a week. Oh, and don't forget about having a career and earning money. And having hobbies. And doing sports. Also, stop finding excuses why you can't find GF, it's all in your head."
I know it's difficult for us to get a GF . But if we put a lot of effort,then we will get a lot of female attention and potential girlfriend . Because most guys don't put effort these days . Then we can simply jump from one woman to another.
@@debanikgoswami4834 It's the guys who put in the least effort (aka the Chad, Tyrone etc) who ussually get the girl. If you have to work hard to get her, you already lost.
My situation is similar but different and I'd love to know what u have to say.25yo I moved country I made friends with all the back packers and tried making friends with the people in the office at work going well a year or so later I meet my now ex wife but the backpackers all took off over time and the people from the office at work were all to 2faced for my liking so I left them all behind so now I'm making the effort with my then partner as she's pregnant so next we buy a house have a second kid. Over the 3-4 years from 1st day I'd also tried to make friends with the guys on the tools of my job(same as I was) but our interest were nothing alike and my then partner tried with her friends partners and her brothers but just weren't into the same stuff plus I had baby's by this point so I literally just gave up as my family seemed more important. We did separate she left and as you said I did end back at square 1 with nothing. Now the trouble is I'm not into sports or gaming don't like the outdoors anymore as iv gotten older and I've always been introverted and at 32 I'm not going to the clubs .I could go to a bar but I don't drink and then everyone in the city I live is ether sports or gamers or out doors from what I've come across so id have nothing conversational to imput. I'm not going to do stuff I don't like but and don't mind making the effort if it off my interest but I just don't see much point anymore and figure if it happens it happens as unlikely as I see it happening
Honestly i am not looking for a GF, just looking for more social circles besides the one i have since 20 years. I know it's hard but i would try if i only know how to do it
As an aside, in regards to the virgin question, that's pretty straightforward. When you're railing chick A and you've invested the time and energy into her to get to that point, you do not want to be wondering if she's thinking about pookie B or tyrone C from last friday night and whether or not she told you about any sti's she is worried about having. That is it. That is all. I don't think it's unreasonable.
No point asking, she will never be honest and if a good girl who hasn't been a hobag, she will just get offended. Its a lose/lose. Get used to trusting you nose, literally....and have rubbers handy. Hobags usually smell like the shthouse door of a shrimp trawler.
I’m suffering from the opposite problem. I can’t get any of my friends out of the video game cave to do anything. I have 3 different friends that game for hours a day but won’t spend a few minutes a week doing anything else. I honestly though they just didn’t like me anymore after knowing me 7 years, but they keep inviting me to play games with them. I do, but it’s literally the only thing they do. They’d rather play call of duty than play paintball or go shoot real guns(real situation that happened recently) any advice for getting my nerd friends to do more than game?
Honest question; does going to the gym three days a week count? I see the same people, so maybe it doesn't... Even then I don't interact much. Spring board from gym to a hike? Input is much appreciated.
Great video. But I think the amount of people getting married and having kids in their late 20 and early 30s is wayyy down compared to 10-20 years ago. So you could argue there are still lots of people to meet in your 30s .
Personally I just enjoy people in very small doses🤷🏾♂️when I workout I want to be left alone unless you need help or something, when I read a book, listen to music or watch a movie I like to do it in silence. I just need a couple of hours of conversation at least once a month and I'm golden. Is there a solution for gents like myself?
And through what kind of Meetups. I tried this and from my experience it's the odd boomer who goes there. Like I joined hiking groups and I get very little from this usually. It seems that women get attention far easier though.
There's always the good old suicide trick if it doesn't work in the long term... just watching this makes me uncomfortable and on the verge of tears so you can understand.
I disagree with a lot of conventional advice. I believe that if you put yourself out there or even start out with a half self, half social approach you will be average. A cycle of futility doomed to eventually bottom out (see: Pittsburgh Pirates, 2017-19) This may sound wrong but I view building a social circle like how Sam Presti is building the Oklahoma City Thunder of today. You can’t tank in life, but the equivalent to that is tanking your social life with Monk Mode. You have to spend 1, maybe 2 years on your own self-improving, and cutting out all social connection. Then, spend a week or two reading up on social skills, planning out your social self, and then put yourself out there and start building yourself. Start with a few foundational friends and then start moving on up to acquaintances, then consider dating after 3 years.
Looking at the 5 most recent videos, this has less than half of the views of the others. It could be because most men already have this covered to an extent. But the chances are that the men who are seeing this channel at all are those who are having problems finding a woman. And if they're having a hard time finding a woman a big part of it is probably because they don't have a male social circle. And if he doesn't have a male social circle, attractive women aren't going to be attracted to him.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 well, I have a girlfriend. We're together for almost 3 years. Sometimes we hang out with her friends but mostly we spend time together. Make sure she's not that different in terms of introversion/extraversion and you'll be fine.
@@Nunak91 My thoughts too. Well I'm an introverted, homebody, intellect kind of guy. And even women like that from my experience are nowhere to be found and interestingly I have seem many in relationships with men who are the polar opposite of them like a pure extroverts. I think it's just that loyal woman who stays home is the dream of any man.
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for me the biggest problem with my social life was that i felt like i was lonely when i was with people and i realized that this was caused by me always just agreeing with people even when i really didn't and also it seemed to make people not respect me. so basically i was being too much of the nice guy.
??
That could be because most people have no depth or personality, they have template opinions. You will get more respect if you be yourself, and even if your opinions put people off you , they are not usuallt people worth having in your life. Never be a "yes-man"; but also don't be the person that dissagrees for the sake of disagreeing, as that is just annoying.
how is lying nice? that's just weak
@@Khunark ofcourse it's not nice but that's just what people call guys who act in this way.
Sadly you can't really bring your true self to most social environments. You may not have a strong a drive as others to fit in, but that is what you need to do. That does imply that you must pretend to accept the dictates of popular culture as enforced by the media apparatus of your country because that is the expectation for everyone else. Most guys don't have an opinion or focus on something else like sports because having a dissenting view often gets in the way of fitting in.
I was very social when I was younger, in my late 30s I discovered most people were self centered users/takers; and in my 40s that even most of my family were essentially just as bad. I'm not saying avoid being social, but don't give too much to people until they have proved their worth, start to identify strong traits early and become as comfortable ending relationships that are one sided as you are starting new relationships. This means as your social circle grows, cut dead weigh to ensure you are not being Energy Santa and everyone in your social is high value and deserves you as a friend...... else you end up surrounded by various types of parasite and always rushed off your feet and scrificing for those that would not do the same for you.
Exactly. Don't waste your time/money with those users/takers. They are mostly disingenious, egocentric and never give back!
I only give my energy and gift to people who make life more enjoyable and are actually ingenious.
"Energy Santa" is a great term
Hhhhmmm the one common denominator in every interaction you've had is you. So maybe you're the problem?
Give what you are given in a way :)
Unfortunately most men is the vast majority think almost solely with their appendages. Same experience as you. Women are actually similar but not to the same extent and will do more for you especially if they're trying to get laid by you of course
During university and high school, I used to think I was introverted, but I realised I just didn't like superficial contacts, so I started to look for more one on one in person conversations / friendships. This made me realise I was less introverted than I thought I was
I feel the same way. I have a few very strong friendships all of whom I know I can ring when the S*** hits the fan and they will be there for me. My Sister who I always envied as being big socialiser admitted to me a lot of the people she knows would flake on her in difficult situations and are there just for the good times.
This is a great video. For those who want to develop a social circle, I would like to expand on the part about being patient and sticking to the plan for the long term. When joining in some group activity, it takes a while to become a "regular". If you show up to a martial arts class, yoga class, book club, (whatever), and you go a few times but don't feel like you fit in, DO NOT GIVE UP. Keep going even if it feels awkward. It's human nature that it takes us a while to build trust and feel bonded with a new person. Keep showing up. Over the span of months of regular attendance, and with halfway decent social skills, you will find others accept you and bring you into the feeling of belonging.
Especially if you are a dude in a yoga class. Women are probably going to see you like a threat for a while in there.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 Been there, done that. As a man in a female-dominated activity like yoga, it does feel weird at first. It took me about 2 or 3 months of regular attendance at the yoga studio for the ladies to notice I wasn't a creepy stalker, and they warmed to me. Seven years later and now I am a certified yoga teacher. Most of my students are female, and they keep coming back every week. So yes, keep showing up. It works!
@@CosineKitty Yeah I was thinking about joining a Yoga club. Would you say it could be a realistic expectation to maybe even meet your female partner in there? Like if you are in your 30s? Or are all the women already taken in relationships? Or like is it easy to make female friends there? I'm just inquiring about the overall value of making such a move because Alexander said male friends first and then female friends. You'd be skipping steps if you do this technically. But yeah let me know your experience since I will walk in your footsteps. I was thinking about only doing activities at my local university since imo it's the best crowd to target. But yeah what about a random yoga studio in the general public. Imo martial arts classes are completely useless for meeting partner prospect since it's 99% dudes there usually. But yeah probably a good place to make male friends.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 If your goal is to find a girlfriend and play the long game, I would start with Alex's advice about making male friends first. I wouldn't go into a yoga class for the immediate goal of finding a girlfriend. Don't pick your activity because of the gender mix, pick it because you really want to do that activity, whatever it is. It really won't matter how many guys or gals are there, trust me.
Some more context about my experience: I started yoga at age 46. I was (and am still) married. I was working from home as a software developer. I was totally out of shape and I became concerned about my drinking. I wasn't quite to the point of being an alcoholic, but I did notice drinking was becoming less and less optional over time. I also felt socially isolated. So I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I just wanted to be around people while doing something to get more physically in shape.
So I stopped drinking and started eating better. I noticed how I was feeling physically better, but without alcohol to numb me out, even more socially isolated and lonely. It may sound bad that I felt lonely even though married, but my wife totally understood. She told me that no spouse can fill every emotional need. It's too much pressure on one person and unrealistic. We all need a variety of social relationships to be emotionally healthy.
Due to my particular childhood experiences, I don't enjoy competitive team sports. I was always ridiculed, picked on, and chosen last for everything. If there was a girl in a wheelchair, I would be picked after her (just kidding, but only partly). I had practiced hapkido in my early 20's but the only thing I enjoyed about it was the stretching exercises. So I decided to try yoga, and I immediately took to it. It was just super fun and challenging for me. I had tried many different ways to become physically fit before, and until yoga, I always got bored and gave up after a couple of weeks. I have been practicing yoga regularly now for the last 6 years. I am so much happier and healthier now. (As an aside, if you are in your 20s or 30s, and you are not happy, don't give up. Keep trying stuff. Things can get better!)
I think a really good idea is to pick your social activity first and foremost based on what you really enjoy and find satisfying in its own right. Ask yourself, what would I do for the fun of it if I already was in the relationship of my dreams? Women are highly intuitive and can immediately sense that "desperation energy" if you are doing something just to meet women. No man should try to beat women at that game because he will lose! It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight, LOL.
No, pick the activity you are passionate about and pursue it for its own sake, and for the sake of making platonic friends secondarily. You will start to build your social circle. Have a mission other than pursuing women. It's counterintuitive, but women are attracted to men focused on their mission and life goals.
I hope something in what I wrote is helpful.
@@CosineKitty It is but this is 100% of my problem. None of my hobbies are attracted to women. Like my main hobbies currently are video games and working out alone by myself. They're not social hobbies like Yoga or martial arts. I guess my solution is to try them and monkey branch between activities at first. Then once I'll have found my good one. Then I'll monkeybranch between social circles. And then between high quality women lol.
The fact is that most people prefer to spend their time with people they are close to as they get older and less time on superficial social interactions.
As I exit my 30s with not even a semblance of a partner or family, the thought that persists in my mind is that I'm inevitably going to become another statistic, and there's reasonably nothing that will change that. Positive social interactions are so few and far between that I literally feel a shock of joy and confusion when a cashier (or some other random stranger) smiles at me or says "have a good day."
It only becomes clearer as time goes on that some people will just never be accepted or valued by society in general.
Being socially desirable is the best way to increase the number of positive interactions you have with people. I know you might think that everyone deserves positive social interactions, but the reality is that people are evolutionary programmed to mostly expend time and resources on people who they deem valuable to the tribe.
Try becoming more physically attractive, better dressed and well groomed and throw out positive emotion to the world. Someone who is surprised by positive social interactions probably isn’t exactly projecting the most positive emotion outwards.
@@thomasowen2585 Very unfortunately true, people ignore me or try to clown on me when I'm being nice but when I walk around with fake confidence ppl see that as competence and treat me differently even though I'm more obnoxious.
I just want to chill with nice ppl but generally most in the West just want high value and competence. Our culture is based on capitalism so everything is superficial and materialistic.
This is what I found too and especially women seem to function like that. Like they seem to prioritize and ok match that is right there in front of her rather than go after or seek a really good match. And this is why I'm questioning this idea about social circle leapfrogging. Like I really like the idea but especially when you get older, people just don't really go out that much anymore.
@@thomasowen2585 I don't think anyone deserves al anything outside of what is explicitly described in an agreement/contract, but I can still wish that things were different. A person who buys a lottery ticket doesn't think they _deserve_ to win, but they certainly would like to.
You're right, physical attractiveness is the most significant factor when it comes to social value. Unfortunately, physical attractiveness can only be improved a small amount and is ultimately not something we can control. Some of us simply cannot and will not have enough value to be socially accepted.
Everyone's capable of making at least a few friends, you just have to abandon this sort of black-pilled defeatism and put yourself out there.
Best way I've found to meet top tier, high quality, dudes is in the gym and through sports.
And low quality is usually bars, and nightclubs.
yeah i mean not really. the problem is that meeting in these situations usually guarantees that's the only connection you have. and thus, you won't ever meet outside of gym
@@Cryptoversity definitely, those are low IQers
@@Blox117 lol did you even watch the video? That's only if you're not PROACTIVE like Alex said and you don't take the initiative and make something happen outside the gym. You think you're gonna be working out and the big gym chad is gonna come up to you and invite you out to escape your loneliness. Nope. Did you even watch the video?
@@DejiDigital you're a lil bit slow aren't you? btw, im the guy with the 6 pack abs
I'd like to add. If you're a person of social status, you have the option of being social and you're always being invited to social events, get togethers. If you're not of any or have low social status, you're a nobody, you're not even a shadow on the ground. You're going to have to put yourself out there and force yourself to attend events.
Thinking back to my high school and college days (I had lots of parties as I left home at 15 played a lot of sports and was a dope dealer and dj) this kind of person would have to be careful not too appear to desparate as that is a turnoff to cool people who are outgoing and confortable in their own skin. Play it cool and don't be a letch would be my advice. Even worse than being invisible is being repellant so people actively avoid or evade you.
This is so true. A great equalizer I have found is partner dance. I cannot begin to recount the benefits of partner dance to both men and women, but especially men. It is how (after I moved to the US as a lone wolf) I created my first circle of acquaintances and the picked the highest quality friends ever, and then met my fiancé.
I think it has less to do with status and more to do with content of character. Substance, solidity, personhood, groundedness, interiority, wit, charm, humour, all characteristics and virtues sadly lacking in the younger generations. I see only empty husks, addicted to social media with nothing of interest to actually share on that media. It matters not what your status is if you are an empty, weak, uninteresting, uninterested husk of a human being.
Work is kind of a crazy suggestion in to make friends in 2022. Plenty of people out here who might only see their colleagues on a zoom call for 10 minutes once a month ...
I had a huge social circle like 5 years ago and could probably find at least 3 different people to hang out with on any given day. It was crazy fun and Alexander is spot on about how to build it. It gets easier and easier the more you do it. Then slowly I bonded with a few people and others fell out of the picture. I now have very good solid smaller circle but it's even better. Being social is essential to a fulfilled life
The hardest part is the amount of rejection that one will face. The rejection hurts emotionally. Its not easy
Read an article during the pandemic that said it takes about 50 hours of interactions to make someone become an acquaintance...200 to be more of a friend. Think about that..
plandemic
@@Blox117 very true!
I have been attraced to activities that involve developing body consciousness since my early teens.
I had to move from a city where I could practice high level acro yoga, slackline and contact improvisation. I was frustrated that in the new town there are no such communities to practice these sports. 2 years ago I moved to a new city where I didn't know anybody.
Started working out in the local open air gym/sport center. Among the regular people, there were a bunch of dudes with Dragonball tattoos pulling some crazy stunts like double bacflips. I immediately thought, I wanted to train like them. It turned out that they were the local parcour gang.
I found this amazing, and it motivated me to show off my slackline skills to them one day. For that I had to officially register my slackline activity in the local sport center, as they didn't know about the sport at all. The kids loved when they got the chance to try it.
After the parcour gang noticed this, they came to talk to me. I said that they can try my slackline in exchange for workout advice. :) We became good friends, they are super cool to work out with, they give fantastic feedback regarding workouts, so I can develop faster.
During one of these trainings, a guy came who did some awesome breakdance moves. I asked him how he learned it and he introduced me to the local breakdance group. I took a look at the training event, and I immediately saw that this is the next step I have to take to develop the strength and flexibility I achieved through doing slackline and yoga for 3 years previously.
For a year now, I am going to breakdance trainings 3-4 times a week, + I am invited to 1 indoor parcour training during the weekend during winter time when we are not training outside. I enjoy all this a lot and I am invited to related events, parties, training camps, competitions, where I meet dozens of people, male and female and my social life is constantly evolving. This is my story. Happened exactly how Alexander says. I have to add a few things though.
If you are integrating to a new community, you must be humble. Everyone knows, that you are the new guy. Don't try to be the center of attention and the defining factor. People love if you are receptive, acknowledge their expertiese, open to advice, willing to learn from them, and be ready to accept if they are on a dfferent educational or social level and adapt to it.
In return, they will be open to you, then you can show your talents if they are interested. For example when the parcoue gang found out that I was doing yoga, they asked for stretching advice. Thanks to me, they could improve their joint stregth mobility and unlock even higher level moves. Plus you will be acknowledged if you are making actual regular effort in their field. As long as you see value in them, you will get the feedback you need to develop, and you will see value in yourself through them.
Always look for common grounds instead of focusing on differences. I also recommend surrounding yourself with people who are much better than you in one aspect of life in which you want to make progress, at least so they can motivate you, and you can learn from them. You will find out, that in other aspects of life you are better and they can learn from you, so you won't feel inferior to them.
What’s ‘acro’ yoga? You sound super skilled & agile & flexible. Awesome 👌🏻
Paragraphs pls 😢
@@eznosnopes5276 You are absolutely right! This post turned out to be longer than I expected. Requested formatting is now applied.
Every time I hear about or witness (you see it everywhere when you look) the INSANE levels of loneliness in men, my heart aches. It is such an acute social problem, which has consequences in literally every domain (family formation, liveliness of community, productivity, hence the economy, the livelihood of future generations, etc.), that it's unbelievable the degree to which it is brushed off as unimportant by most.
I have the same reaction as you do, it's so sad...
@Educated Negro Obvious observation, my man, and who, exactly, allowed that gynocentrism to take over??
Women took all of the men's spaces.
Men are now relegated to garages and basements...things called man CAVES...the most primitive place a creature could live.
And what was IMMEDIATELY created in response? "She Sheds." A completely separate structure, with windows and air conditioning...that her husband had to build and likely pay for.
You can't even go to the gym without self-absorbed female Instagram "influencers" ruining everyone's time.
As I've said before: It was never about getting equality, it was about getting "even."
I was a nerd during my childhood, puberty and university years, so I have almost no true friends, and thus dating via social circle is impossible to me. Thanks for explaining how to create it from the scratch!
The good thing is, most extroverted cool kids eventually learn that most relationships they nurtured and held on to were one sided and meaningless after sacrificing decades of time and energy.
@@Cryptoversitycope harder lol
Man the part about social life after having kids is so true. I think that it is something that starts already at the age of 25 though. There was a canadian psychololgist who did a study on it. Her findings said that getting new friends after the age of 25 is less socially acceptable compared to before 25 because it is at a point in life where most people your own age aren´t looking for new friends as people then have started to settle down with partners and have gotten kids/married. Learning good social skills and putting yourself out there is really crucial by the time you have reached the ladder half of your 20´s.
I think it depends a lot wether you are around people from your own country or foreigners though. Was sitting in the Kantine at my school. There was just me and a guy with immigrant background from Africa. He just sat down at my table saying: "No point in being antisocial, might as well sit down here.". Nobody from my country would have done that lol. I also feel like age difference is less relevant when you are socializing with foreigners.
So true about the after 25 part. I've reached out to my immediate social circle and they are in the 30s and nobody got time for anything these days. But again it's not secret here. At uni is the best place to build your social circle. It's a big community of available people under the same roof that do things together.
How to make friends:
"See your friends more."
Well there's no hope for me
Men had social circles before and left them because they were the "losers" in such groups, what makes you think your group is any different?
No one talks about this and it's the worst feeling, especially when everyone else has known each other for a long time
Hi Alexander, I read somewhere and this resonated with me- you are the aggregation of the four best people you know.
I recently was spurred on to learn a foreign language from a friend who could speak four languages fluently. I have learnt a musical instrument from somebody who studied music who saw my passion for listening to music and said " music is such a big thing in your life, why don't you play an instrument?". Being around high quality people rubs off.
This is excellent advice for a young guy. The most success - and enjoyment - I've had was surrounding myself with people who have similar interests as me, although making those connections can be intimating. By nature, I'm a shy person.
I wish I had wise counselors when I was younger like Alexander Grace - it sure would have saved me from a lot of grief.
You shined some light on things that I've done which have hindered my own progress with developing a social circle. Great video, man! 🔥🔥
How to build a social network to get into an relationship, so that, once you’re in one, your significant other can do her best to isolate you from those friends again… 😂
Women want a guy with lots of friends to isolate him from, yup!
In short..over time it is outcome
Aye, turning down invites out to do something else is how I lost all my close friends. I'm trying to slowly reconnect because having no one but coworkers to talk to is a pretty lonely life. Which gets to me at times.
Why did you do it? There is a type of guy who does this once they get in a relationship....they turn down all invites like it is beneath them and become a ghost....then pop up into existence again if they break up. Other dudes h8 this.
@@Cryptoversity Some times it was a relationship. That is one habit I won't do if I ever date again. Some of it was they have their own families. We had a monthly get together but after awhile people just stopped wanting to do it. This last time, I got into a funk and didn't feel like being near anybody. Stopped talking to people unless necessary for nearly 6 months. By the time I started emerging out of that funk everyone was gone. I reaped what I sowed. So I only blame myself. Hope that answered your question.
For a few times in my life I thought I was getting more friends and a bigger social circle. But then always something happens and the group just breaks and people disappear and I'm back to square one. It gets so tiring that you don't have the motivation and energy to even try anymore.
Good stuff, at the start WE HAVE TO put in work at first, plant the seeds with potential friends or acquaintances then overtime you enjoy the fruits of your labor
1. Start attending social events where you work or study. Even better if you can invite people. Try making it 3 times a week. (Big or small events)
2. Start figuring out people who you gel with. Probably you'll get into their social circles as well who'd have people of similar nature.
That's exactly what I needed to hear.
I’m 40 and have no friends or wife/gf. Welp I guess I’m fu*ked
No I don't think so Alexander, I'm not forcing myself to make it into any social circle. If I get invited and if its interesting then only I'm coming otherwise I'm enough
That’s if you’re wanting to meet ppl he’s saying and increase chance of meeting women too
Alexander is spot on. When I vacationed in Ibiza, it felt kind of weird going by yourself. But I had to put myself out there and so I did. Within two days I made a bunch of friends inviting me to go bar hoping, met a couple of millionaires, people mistaken me for yakuza, had sex with a beautiful Spanish woman that spoke no English she showed me it’s the journey not the destination that matters, invited to an orgy by a polish couple because they never had Asian before, girls and random people were constantly stealing me from one group to another, met a beautiful Italian woman but time was short and never got to know each other well enough to see if we should date.
That was THE BEST vacation I ever went on.
I'm in college so it's very easy for me RN . I will use this opportunity to socialize and have contacts . I have met very nice people. But still I'm so introverted.
But I'm scared what will happen if I go to a workplace. I don't like watching movies. Very rare that u would watch something.
Other than that I like music , mma, gym and videogames.
I have this extrovert friend , he was very proactive. But then I became proactive and asked him weather he plays in his laptop.
He wanted to install gta5 from my hard drive then I suggested him beamng drive. And he liked it . I was shoked too see someone loving something for same reason I do.
I am still very awkward and introverted also very lazy. There's so many things I genuinely want to do but I can't because I'm tired or busy. So I'm very very slow at this.
The best way for me to give advice on this or share my experience is that being in a work environment can help you with your social skills and the better you understand social cues and how to be likable The more likely you are to move up. Trying to be outgoing and have a broad range of interest so that way you have at least something in common with most people that you can talk about and provide fulfillment in your life because they're hobbies. Try to think of life as full of opportunities not to the point that you're delusional Lee optimistic but more so you understand the cards that you've been dealt and try to figure out the best way for you to play. Personally what I do in order to try and be as productive as possible is to have a hard schedule with work school and gym and organizing free time for hang out with friends and even interacting with them in other areas of my schedule such as seeing friends at work or talking to friends at school. The best way to make friends is to have a level of confidence about yourself which should come from a source that you can be confident about (you can be confident because you make a lot of money you're attractive or are you just have a positive attitude but at the same time the halo effect applies where if you don't have anything you actually can be confident about most people see that confidence as arrogance) so try to have common interests with people try to schedule your time affectively so that way you're not wasting any I try to stay busy in moving forward and achieving goals understand what is an appealing personality and try to emulate that.
ayoooo
This video should be recommend for a lot of people
Brilliant but forgotten wisdom of life
This video inspired me so much. I actually texted a few friends to hang out this week
Didn't know it's supposed to be a circle and not a point
I am so glad that I did this. I have been the social hub for too long. This only exposed me for people who only wanted to use me. I'm so glad that I have no regrets about this
I'm the guy with no social life in his early 30s whose friends have all partnered up and have children. I was starting to embark on this process when the Pandemic hit and destroyed all my progress. The small group thing that I was attending at church died when church got cancelled, and now that church is back, everybody is doing other stuff or moved away. People always say church is a good place to make friends, but mine seems to have nobody to befriend.
Hey is church a good place to make friends? I was recently invited by a lady I was getting along with well. It just doesn't seem my kind of thing(chanting and praying).
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 it can be. But realize if the whole religion thing isn't your thing, it might make it harder to find good friendships. In my case, being a Christian is already a huge part of my identity; there just don't seem to be a whole lot of my peers in attendance.
@@mbrsart True but it's interesting because usually religious people tend to be extremely loyal. Not always but this was the woman who invited me. She truly was a high quality woman and an introverted intellect homebody(my exact match). I don't think I have ever met a woman with whom I was able to connect so well while sharing my experience. But yeah she was married and had kids. Yeah I don't see myself joining and standing alone in there. Tell me the demography of churches. Is it only old ladies and grandpas in there lol? I have been considering joining BJJ but yeah ratio of female is horrible in there.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 It varies from church to church, and the only way to get a handle on a particular congregation's demographics is to visit. My church is intrinsically tied to a preschool and an elementary school on the same property, so most of the members are people with ties to those schools. In my case, I went there from 2nd-8th grade, and I became a church member in high school after my family found ourselves there more often than our other church. We have a lot of young families and a lot of people whose kids went to the school but are now grown with kids of their own. I know of one other single person who attends regularly, but she's closer to my parents' age. I've stopped going in large part because I don't feel the same sense of community I felt before and during college; it's like they don't know what to do with me since I never found a wife.
Moving to a new country as a working adult is tough. You have to be so much more proactive. It's even harder if the corporate culture emphasizes political correctness and wokeness, making it harder to trust the people you meet there.
I found is a lot easier to make friends in a crew of working class dudes than a corporate office. Maybe because I'm working class myself.
I can't believe the timing of this video. I have been wondering how to make friends for the past 20 years.
I've been a drifter since I was born going home to home constantly and I'm used to being the other male of a house holding up the roof for parties, events, we boxed, play small tournaments, went for walks and had group projects.
I lost everything and had to recover speech some from boxing and after a suicide attempt and being forced far, far out into the countryside into a small room isolation with a faulty sidewalk that gives me hip/lower back problems and a 5 mile drive to the nearest thing and a near 2 hour drive to my old contacts.
I'm not great in groups, but I can keep the room up and I write enough to always have something ridiculous to say. In my isolation I was refurbishing my skills talking to a girl. It went bad after pouring out my soul trying to be ready
I feel extremely alienated from people I used to know feeling like I have no one I can press against and any relationship I make just feels like it's going to rot, it's a been a madhouse part to my insane hours at 3am and 5pm.
So many people just feel so eroded idk how to connect or if it's even worth so even with family, so I flip thru some of my jokes
It's so wierd I dressed up as the shedder this weekend and there was near no life energy at a party with 40 people :/ I did ask someone if I could over react to the haunted trail, then I told them I needed to hold their hand and had them rolling. Idk I'm bad at not making a splash when I want, not good at creating/entering vibes and pulling them to surface to lace into good group topics. I get overly logical and position of everything focused, I like a full explanation/understanding of the chess moves of a situation before I disengage if I wasn't bored
Kind of fall out of my body of the moment and can get really cold by mistake thinking if people need ____
Brilliant advice, I think as well a lot of men (and anyone) can fall into depression and struggle to maintain friendships and then they feel things are too damaged to fix. It is never too late.
A lot of you will also struggle to connect with other people because you will struggle with being vulnerable and if you want a friendship with a bit of depth you will have to show some vulnerability eventually. (not too soon though). If you're currently depressed then you will find nothing and no one will make you feel happy but if you get treatment your chances of getting better and feeling good with people will improve, you will also think you always felt that way and that is just the way you've always been but you're brain tricks you and rewrites your memories
Woah.... thanks
This is the most important video you have ever created, Alexander.
Exactly why I asked him on Patron to do this video. He keeps mentioning the behaviour that women display and he does have a genuine dept to this. But to 99% of us, this is irrelevant because we're still stuck at step 1.
I'm very introverted, very lonely, and it was even worse these last years, although, to be fair, it didn't bothered me. I had no girlfriend anymore, for years, no family, no friends anymore, and I work from home. In september I started to take a class with people, once a week. I got out of my comfort zone. I have to ask each time for a ride to take me home (not easy for me, but I had no choice), and almost each time it's a different person, so I get to know some people. Also, I met a pretty girl, very intelligent and nice, she seems to be interested too, so wait and see...
So, it seems to work. Much better than I expected. I'm starting to have a social life again, and this time on better grounds, not with toxic or useless people. Maybe because I'm ready, when I was alone all these years I learned to enjoy my own company, I took care of myself, I accepted to be alone, without needing anyone.
I think that doing something on a regular basis, like a comedy class, or yoga, etc., is the key, it's much more difficult to meet people by just going to a party once a month, let alone by going to a bar or a club, espcially if you're introverted. You have to share something and see these people several times.
Exactly my thought too. I've started going to hiking groups but it's a complete waste of time because we never see each other. It's a one time thing. But I'm struggling to find classes that would be recurring.
meetup (atleast here in the States) is pretty good way to meet people in your own age group to do stuff, especially if you are older. I have gone on kayaking events, hiking and pub quizes and met new people I haven't meet before and made some friends. As a postdoc from Europe in America with an H1b visa it has been crucial since all my friends where on the other side of the Atlantic ocean.
I'm 40 and have no proper friends, thing is I'm autistic and a massive loaner so I choose to live this way, but it means there's next to no way to meet women, I like being in a relationship and from 15 to 35 I was in several, bit after taking 5 years off I have no idea where to start, I think you're right though a social circle is the way, I'm just super terrible at building one, wish me luck.
stop loaning people stuff then
@@Blox117 what do you mean? I literally never loan anyone anything
@@MikeWalls7829 I can see why u can't socialize
@@SurfyStories yeah I'm autistic so I don't always get when other people are joking so I accidentally take them seriously. Good joke tho the kind I would make.
You can always find other autistic friends, I don't have a single non autistic close friend. Neurotypicals just don't cut it.
Spot on, Alex. Let the revolution begin...
When you are mid thirty and have no friends
And 40's, 50's 60's etc. The older you get the harder it gets
I'm 43 and live in a town populated by the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. It stinks.
I'm too mean to get into social circles. I tend to find myself pushed out because I tell people the reality of the situation, rather than lie to their face and make them feel this temporary good feeling and validation.
Lol
Find some Aspies :)
You can be real without being so blatantly ... 🤷♂️ blunt.
Me my problem with that is that everybody in my social circle ghosts when I contact them to spend some quality time with. Like even my family. Probably what he meant that the older you get the harder it is to do this. Like for college students this is realistic. But once you are like in your 30s, everybody is busy. Like even if I am willing to invest this effort, I find other people who don't have this problem or at least to the same extend aren't willing.
This is circular. Maybe you already have friends you can hang out with. No? Well, maybe you can invite another man, a complete stranger to your house for BOARD GAMES? Can't do that? Join a club that only exists in large cities, like a philosophical discussion group (What?). Don't live there? Play a sport you have no interest in...but it MUST reflect who you are. Like martial arts! That's you, right?
No matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to be interested in sports, or martial arts, bars, clubs and parties are painfully boring and especially if you are straight edge while everyone else who you might get along with is so preoccupied with getting high/drunk as the main social bonding method at these events
@@boogie1434 Same with me. I had tried to relate to other fellows in the area but they're either not very engaging or simply irresponsible. Too bad you don't live near Port Macquarie, we could annoy each other.
Meet Up Groups used to be cool for this. Hikes, Biking, Hash House Scavenger Hunts, RC Car Racing, Drone Racing, Walking Tours, Karaoke, Movie Night, Gaming Nights, Moto Rides, Car Shows, Road Trips
Men tend to make friends easily through mutual hobbies & sports, especially male-oriented ones.
Which Alex says 30 seconds after I posted this :)
Good advice bro. I'm so tired after work. But I try and drag myself to something at minimum once a week. In-between working out and 60 hours of work a week there's not much left in the tank.
People with strong social circles live longer & are healthier too, in addition to the obvious benefits! Check out Dunbar’s books (evolutionary psychology of socialisation) to learn more about some of the science.
its funny how obvious it is once it is said. friends are all around us, they are the ones around us doing the things we like to do.
like working out, have you thought it would be cool or fun to talk to someone about your work out with while there? maybe, just maybe the Dude next to you is thinking the same thing. ask them what workout they are doing or their routine.
like hiking, maybe strike up a conversation with a fellow hiker instead of thinking I should walk faster so its not so weird to be next to them
basically you need to start trying to be an extrovert. and that sucks...
maybe ask if its aright if you just hang. to be friends with someone, you dont have to always being the person to talk, maybe like yourself they dont like talking, so you ask, "is it alright if im quite, does that bother you?" would it bother you if they were quite?
*punctuation*
Philosophical group are full of smart but old people, gyms are like bars too many men and few woman.
Women don’t often don’t want to be approached or chatted up at gyms too
This is Insurmountably important. Developing a circle of friendships and acquaintances and knowing the difference.
While I can enjoy spending time with my fellow students, because the levels of conversations you can have with them is deeper than with, say, the high-school party types, I also never find myself missing any of them while they’re absent. 🤔
This is seriously an epidemic, loneliness fr. There needs to be courses for building relationships/friendships in schools & colleges , no joke
I’m married with teen age kids and I’ve moved far away twice. Starting a new social circle while working from home ( at 53) seems near impossible.
Then go out.....
I found it difficult to throw a party, but it was much easier if the party was run WITH someone else and they invite people and help entertain etc but it's at your place. Like maybe it's their birthday party at your place...
I yearn for social interaction but have none, also I despite socializing and the anxiety it brings
No friends and I work from home. Never met any of the people I work with they can be from anywhere in the world. Our video calls are just audio. I have been trying to go out wednesday, thursday, and friday for dinner just to start conversations with random people. no luck yet. my main hobby is solo sailing. But i'm better than most I'm divorced and have had multiple relationships so I've loved and lost. I also solo travel. people are friendlier in other countries I've found. I'm in the US. I'm 48 and feel for the young guys that have never had any relationships at all.
I'm in the exact same boat. I'm 31 and getting older and WFH all day. Can't meet my colleagues. And yeah my hobbies are solo things too.
dont waste your time on someone who is indifferent towards your
Thanks for this video Alex! I definitely needed this
@11:50 this guy just described the sonder effect, and how to utilise it
I'm afraid Alexander that it doesn't matter whether or not you got a social circle. From realistic point of view, the girls in your group of friends still use Tinder and dating apps; so they might hang around the "Circle" only for fun while at home, they're doing chad and tyron (the same cycle that never ends). Women today will find tons of excuses or reasons to reject a guy they're not attracted to. Just being a close circle friend might get you laid if a girl had enough pity on the guy but otherwise, she is still chasing chads and tyrons and craves for them while the average guy is irrelevant and invisible to her.
I move a lot for work. Whenever I get into a new town my approach to meet guy friends is this. “What’s up man, I’m new in town and looking for a few bros.” It almost never fails.
W
I'm 30 and faced more loneliness. I don't really mind though. At least no heartbreak or disappointment.
The best way to attract women is to develop yourself, create something, get involved in yourself and GUARANTEED a woman will notice and want to either ruin it or take it from you.
I wish I knew this in high school and middle school
Incredible video
For me as a melancholic dude it's really hard to create social circle, or rather join one... I thought I did until recently. But I feel like I'm invisible there so far... And that's a very frustrating feeling...
Just an idea, maybe think what groups would have other people of your same personality type (I am assuming this current group aren't, else you might not be feeling like an invisible wallflower). I have a fairly introverted, antisocial friend in South America (he is not from here, he is from New Zealand) who met others like him on Discord groups, and his wife actually. It allowed him to get out of NZ and move to Peru, which he likes much more.....even though he is still mostly in his room on the computer. Those digital groups led to a change in physical reality and business.
@@Cryptoversity interesting idea
No time for social life. Too busy chasing a dream.
Most men are too busy making money to beta bux
Great Advice!!
I like how for a woman to find romance all she needs is to take a shower. Meanwhile for a man it's like: "hey bro, I know you are hornу, but in order for you to get a GF, you must first build up an extensive social circle with at least 3 activities a week. Oh, and don't forget about having a career and earning money. And having hobbies. And doing sports. Also, stop finding excuses why you can't find GF, it's all in your head."
I know it's difficult for us to get a GF . But if we put a lot of effort,then we will get a lot of female attention and potential girlfriend . Because most guys don't put effort these days . Then we can simply jump from one woman to another.
@@debanikgoswami4834
It's the guys who put in the least effort (aka the Chad, Tyrone etc) who ussually get the girl.
If you have to work hard to get her, you already lost.
@@raytracer5726 I want to date an attractive girl. So far I only get attention from average looking girls 😔.
My situation is similar but different and I'd love to know what u have to say.25yo I moved country I made friends with all the back packers and tried making friends with the people in the office at work going well a year or so later I meet my now ex wife but the backpackers all took off over time and the people from the office at work were all to 2faced for my liking so I left them all behind so now I'm making the effort with my then partner as she's pregnant so next we buy a house have a second kid. Over the 3-4 years from 1st day I'd also tried to make friends with the guys on the tools of my job(same as I was) but our interest were nothing alike and my then partner tried with her friends partners and her brothers but just weren't into the same stuff plus I had baby's by this point so I literally just gave up as my family seemed more important. We did separate she left and as you said I did end back at square 1 with nothing. Now the trouble is I'm not into sports or gaming don't like the outdoors anymore as iv gotten older and I've always been introverted and at 32 I'm not going to the clubs .I could go to a bar but I don't drink and then everyone in the city I live is ether sports or gamers or out doors from what I've come across so id have nothing conversational to imput. I'm not going to do stuff I don't like but and don't mind making the effort if it off my interest but I just don't see much point anymore and figure if it happens it happens as unlikely as I see it happening
Best advice
Honestly i am not looking for a GF, just looking for more social circles besides the one i have since 20 years. I know it's hard but i would try if i only know how to do it
If I want to meet new people but have nothing to offer, should I build my personality first for a couple of years?
As an aside, in regards to the virgin question, that's pretty straightforward. When you're railing chick A and you've invested the time and energy into her to get to that point, you do not want to be wondering if she's thinking about pookie B or tyrone C from last friday night and whether or not she told you about any sti's she is worried about having. That is it. That is all. I don't think it's unreasonable.
No point asking, she will never be honest and if a good girl who hasn't been a hobag, she will just get offended. Its a lose/lose. Get used to trusting you nose, literally....and have rubbers handy. Hobags usually smell like the shthouse door of a shrimp trawler.
I’m suffering from the opposite problem. I can’t get any of my friends out of the video game cave to do anything. I have 3 different friends that game for hours a day but won’t spend a few minutes a week doing anything else. I honestly though they just didn’t like me anymore after knowing me 7 years, but they keep inviting me to play games with them. I do, but it’s literally the only thing they do. They’d rather play call of duty than play paintball or go shoot real guns(real situation that happened recently) any advice for getting my nerd friends to do more than game?
Join them on Call of Duty, for them it's social but artificial. They can shoot virtual guns in their underwear.Try changing them from the inside.
Honest question; does going to the gym three days a week count? I see the same people, so maybe it doesn't... Even then I don't interact much. Spring board from gym to a hike? Input is much appreciated.
Is that Rick Beato on the far left of the thumb nail?
Some great advice in this video. Would be good to do more of this to get away from the “how to get da girls” topic
Great video. But I think the amount of people getting married and having kids in their late 20 and early 30s is wayyy down compared to 10-20 years ago. So you could argue there are still lots of people to meet in your 30s .
Or try to learn to overcome all the social aspects.
Personally I just enjoy people in very small doses🤷🏾♂️when I workout I want to be left alone unless you need help or something, when I read a book, listen to music or watch a movie I like to do it in silence. I just need a couple of hours of conversation at least once a month and I'm golden. Is there a solution for gents like myself?
In the same boat
It’s a little wishful but good sentiment overall
When you say 3 social events, do you mean with these friends you’re making?
Take up Latin Dancing. I have moved cities 3 times in last 8 years. Each time within three months you have a bunch of male and female friends.
Not everyone likes Latin Dancing, I'd suggest it only if you like the music
Great advice. Dancing breaks down physical barriers in a non sexual way. My parents meet at a dance class :)
But many of us can't and don't enjoy shaking our asses around strangers
Great video
US lonliness stems from terrible urban design.
Yup, very well observed! Absolute aha moment
facts. outside of big cities, it's hard to make friends.. esp if you dont own a car.
thanks Alexander
I've met most of my closest friends through Meetup
And through what kind of Meetups. I tried this and from my experience it's the odd boomer who goes there. Like I joined hiking groups and I get very little from this usually. It seems that women get attention far easier though.
There's always the good old suicide trick if it doesn't work in the long term... just watching this makes me uncomfortable and on the verge of tears so you can understand.
I disagree with a lot of conventional advice. I believe that if you put yourself out there or even start out with a half self, half social approach you will be average. A cycle of futility doomed to eventually bottom out (see: Pittsburgh Pirates, 2017-19)
This may sound wrong but I view building a social circle like how Sam Presti is building the Oklahoma City Thunder of today. You can’t tank in life, but the equivalent to that is tanking your social life with Monk Mode. You have to spend 1, maybe 2 years on your own self-improving, and cutting out all social connection.
Then, spend a week or two reading up on social skills, planning out your social self, and then put yourself out there and start building yourself. Start with a few foundational friends and then start moving on up to acquaintances, then consider dating after 3 years.
Looking at the 5 most recent videos, this has less than half of the views of the others. It could be because most men already have this covered to an extent. But the chances are that the men who are seeing this channel at all are those who are having problems finding a woman. And if they're having a hard time finding a woman a big part of it is probably because they don't have a male social circle. And if he doesn't have a male social circle, attractive women aren't going to be attracted to him.
firstcel
What if I have no social life outside the workplace and I'm good with that? I mean 8 h of interactions per day is more than enough for me.
Exactly this. Imagine have to spend time after work to build a social circle. But yeah it seems an uttermost requirement to get a girlfriend.
@@agoogleuseranonymous2658 well, I have a girlfriend. We're together for almost 3 years. Sometimes we hang out with her friends but mostly we spend time together.
Make sure she's not that different in terms of introversion/extraversion and you'll be fine.
@@Nunak91 My thoughts too. Well I'm an introverted, homebody, intellect kind of guy. And even women like that from my experience are nowhere to be found and interestingly I have seem many in relationships with men who are the polar opposite of them like a pure extroverts. I think it's just that loyal woman who stays home is the dream of any man.