My Religious Upbringing Messed Me Up
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ก.ค. 2024
- My Religious Upbringing Messed Me Up
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Bad theology hurts people
THIS!!
This too: correct theology not lived out hurts people.
Define “correct”.
@@troyhailey you might as well have not replied since you clearly don’t have an answer.
@@troyhailey this conversation is just weird now. I was always told, “if you can’t explain it where everyone can understand, then you don’t really understand it yourself”.
Thanks for proving that point buddy.
Shout out to all the women who were raised to feel disgusted with their sexuality/own body and had to find confidence on their own❤As an adult, I’m still healing the scars the church left me with and am connecting with God on my own terms. Self-assured women and God have gotten me through everything in my life.
Connecting through God on one’s own terms. Amen to that!
So happy for you and your healing!!
Amen Amen Amen. I had to WORK on this sooooooo much. Preachers kid in the UK , who now preaches. I believe in the helping people to be “Whole” through Christ, not fractured because of Church legalism🎉
Good for you Claudia. I on the other hand believe in the aliens more then I do God. No one has seen God but they have seen the aliens. lmao! Maybe the aliens are God. lmao! Christianity is a joke though when some of them you find out are predators.
Amen!!
The part where he described being hyper aware of “being pretty but not too pretty” as to not draw attention to oneself.. and always struggling with that balance.
And every decision is Do or Die or every decision is The End of Time
I was raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian school and church every Sunday. I witnessed and experienced the hyper-critical , shaming behaviors, but I also witnessed and experienced grace. My journey has taught me that no one is perfect, every one has their own struggles. It’s taken me years to truly believe that God’s love and grace for me is unconditional, regardless of the choices I make or my circumstances. Because of this, I have peace in my life. Jeremiah 29:11
Yep, i always try to separate God and people in my mind. God’s Grace and mercy is beyond what we can fathom. He is good and loving. People aren’t always.
Amen. As a parent I really tried and failed. I loved so hard but didn’t tell them enough. My actions never spoke louder than words.
Beautifully said. God loves us and wants what is best for us.
Amen .
hallelujah, I'm glad to read that not everyone is turning away from God because of bad representation of Christianity.
Wow, I'm a 62 year old man and I was weeping at the end of this call. I'm still dealing with being made to feel that everything I said or did could cause someone else to fall. From my earliest years the opinions of the "church family " were more important than my thought or opinions. Where I went, how I dressed, how long my hair was, where I went to college, all of these things reflected upon my family and the church.
That's a lot to put on a kid. I loved my parents, but their beliefs and decisions caused so much anxiety.
I hope Hannah can work through this and be a stronger person.
Thank you John for your understanding and compassion. Stay well.
Same here. Age 66, still working on it.
That’s a lot. Listening in from Ireland where we were shackled to the Catholic Church up to 30 years ago and Irish guilt was part of our mentality, thankfully those days have gone.
So many hateful comments. Preachers kid here. There are plenty of us like this. I am thankful for a lot of my upbringing but it was also very stifling and restrictive. You are not alone!❤
💯
Married the middle child of a preacher, with a "perfect" older brother and younger sister... it's been interesting...and that's about the nicest way I can put that. On the bright side...gives me plenty of opportunities to humble myself in front of my children and show them just how badly we all need Christ 😉
My condolences. Religion ruins lives.
Grew up in a very legalistic Baptist church but by God's grace, He sent a grace-and-truth pastor, a needed friend, and my non-legalistic wife all around the same time to expose and crucify my own self-righteous judgmentalism. The wild part? I'm now one of the pastor/elders at the very church I grew up in and just like Jesus is full of grace and truth, that is the model that the elders and I are leading from - making sure not to divorce one from the other. I praise God for his healing in my wicked heart and pray daily that I don't revert back to my fleshly ways, especially for my own kids' sake.
I hope one day you will look into the history of early Christianity that Bart Ehrman discusses on his blog and TH-cam channel.
Jìì
I still love Jesus with my whole heart, but purity culture did a number on me too. Thankfully, my church handles things differently than my childhood church did.
Yeah, I grew up baptist and I guess we were semi strict, but cases like these sound more like parents that are ruthless and use the church as the scapegoat instead of taking accountability IMO
I always thought the purity movement was populated by weirdos. And were going about things the wrong way. And I'm a conservative baptist.
I left Christianity, and will never go back. Being in that RUINED my life. It's been about 10 years and I am still unpacking trauma and fixing messes and wrong patterns from the Christianity nightmare. And I will never join any other religion, sect, cult, or a spiritual movement.
@@livingonhighvibe I’m sorry that religious humans have made you feel this way. But please don’t let their human mistakes take you away from Jesus. Find your own relationship with him and get to know him yourself through prayer and reading the Bible. If you need space from religious people then do that. We all fall short that’s why he came hunny.Following Jesus is not a religion he’s the truth he helped me so much, you should have never felt condemned so I will pray you feel his LOVE for you. Xxx
@@laurenjames1277 I was a Christian for over 10 years - that ship has sailed. I don't believe that Jesus is the son of God or the bible stories; it has some truths, but it has the abusive theology interweaved in there. Instead, I believe I am a god and a creator of my reality and I find that ancient Eastern philosophies are true, including re-incarnation. Jesus was a 5th density being who incarnated on the Earth in order to help barbarians of of the time to ascend to the next level. The appearance of the Christian religion was the next level as it was able to enlighten a lot of people away from the animalistic functioning of the homo sapiens species that been roaming here for the last 2000 years or so.
Nobody will ever get me to attend a church service or join a congregation - Christian or some other organized religion. Anything that has to do with more than myself practicing spirituality is a turn-off. I can't stand the fake sweetness a "hunny". Hold your pipe shut by hand if you can't coordinate its opening and expelling these epithets. Yikes.
I’m not a preachers kid but I grew up baptist and I totally can relate to this. Have few friends and keep different areas of my life compartmentalized. People pleaser to the max. Over-thinker to the MAX. It’s weird because I do long for connection, but I’m also afraid of it? Idk.
I grew up in the Church of Christ. I feel all your pain. I have few friends….I understand all of this to my core. 😢
So true I get that.
Me too. It's like I have compartments of friends
Yep ...same
Me too, I am just now realizing it I'm in so much pains 😔
My religious aunt used to tell me the Lord was going to return before I graduated from high school and she'd be alive when it happened. I'm 48 and she's dead. I think it was fear to keep me a goody, which totally worked. I still love God and study my Bible. I no longer fear going to hell. I like learning about HIM myself.
Lol your auntie was something. At least one thing I knew was that once saved, no such thing as going to hell.
Uff this one messed me up bad as well. I remember as a kid hearing our neighbour say she was expecting a baby for 2011 and thinking the world would have ended by then. Yet here I am 13 years later, no end of the world and grateful to be able to live my life.
hell is the common grave where all of mankind go. Whenever "hell" was translated from scrolls it was taking about the pit where we say goodbye at funerals. And all the illustrations of burning are just that, illustrations! So, as you say, the fear strategy is indeed stupid. Horrible people. And I think it's even much worse, it's blasphemy to say God tortures people in a hell of religious imagination
Same thing happened to me only it was:
“The coming of the Lord is so close son, you won’t need to go to college…”
Here I am at 30, I still believe the Lord is coming back, but I’m about to go back to school.
Live like He’s coming back in the next 5 minutes, but work like He’s not coming back for another 50 years.
@@Kryptik33 what's wrong with an education when He's back ? As if he's against education.... the clever sly twisting of cults
Former Jehovah’s Witness here. 🙋🏻♀️ Can totally relate! John hits religious abuse right on the nail here. Hannah, you are SOOOO not alone! This is just something no one ever talks about and is very hard to understand unless you’ve been in it. Faith is supposed to be healing, not destructive. I hope you find your way making true friends! It’s scary at first, but SO worth it!
🎉 Underated comment
🙏❤️
Jehovah is not to blame for imperfect people’s actions. There’s imperfect people in every religion. And in every religion there is going to be people who are selfish and evil and want to hurt others. Jehovah is love and loves all his children. Rather you decide to be Jehovah’s Witness or not, that is your personal decision. But please know that Jehovah would never hurt you and he loves you very much ❤
@@KathyAlice7707I know. I get sick of seeing these type of comments from former jws. I think most of the time they just want to do what people in the world do
@@FredBoyPlushMovies I agree with you. Many of them want to do what the world gets to do but I know there is some that have been hurt by fellow brothers and sisters. I was hurt deeply too at one time and left the truth for many years. Then I realized the problem was with me. I needed to learn how to forgive bc I’m not perfect either. I realize Jehovah loves all of us so much and He would never hurt me that way. So I came back and never left again. Ppl are going to hurt us but forgiveness and love with help us through anything. Praise Jehovah 🩷❤️
Wow. 100% me. I grew up under cult leader Bill Gothard, ATI, and IBLP. I could’ve been this woman. I’ve only had 1 friend during my childhood. God bless her for putting up with my judgmental nature due to my strict upbringing. I have no friends now and have often said (and bragged in a way) about not needing human connection. But I know that’s not true because of how hurtful it is when I have put myself out there to make friends and nothing got reciprocated. I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable more than once with any given person. I compartmentalize. I knew my parents used us kids as currency to look good to the outside world. That was so obvious. We were to uphold the family name. Every decision did feel monumental. Even my Dad would never make what I thought were easy decisions without thinking about it for weeks and weighing every possible outcome. My dad has no friends. He has acquaintances. My mom did manage to have and keep a friendship network, but I know it took a lot of effort for her. I have forgiven and forgotten a lot of my childhood. I don’t share decisions - even positive ones about getting and staying out of debt - with my family because they have a lot of opinions about it.
My family was basically a cult. My mother would tell me, "don't tell outsiders the family secrets or you'll go to foster care." And she created an image of hell when it came to foster care. But our family was atheist, leftist, and sex worshiping. "Puritans" are the worst, the enemy. Sex with children is a good thing because sex IS love. I didn't have friends either because outsiders can't be friends and you can't be friends with anyone in the cult because you all have to walk on eggshells to please the leader. The leader is ALL that matters. There is no reality outside the leader. I compartmentalize too. I kept the Truth I knew hidden.
Thank you for sharing.. I too could be this caller and I resonate with your comment so much.
That really hits home. Thank you for sharing. I've been trying to figure this out for years. Things seem to be common, but yet, we think we are alone sometimes.
Hannah, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you called in with this question. I am currently crying as I dictate this text. I wasn't a ministers kid, but everything that you were/are struggling with I have struggled with! Growing up a people pleaser, and a yes ma'am, and yes, sir child has infiltrated every part of my life, to the point that I married a Christian narcissist abuser for 14 years. I am almost 5 years out and remarried, dealing with emotional flashbacks, body memories, trauma, c-PTSD, Overthinking everything, apologizing for everything, second-guessing myself, every step of the way, whether it's a thought, choice, action, something I say, you name it! I have been doing some serious digging into myself to find out who I am separate from anyone else. It has been a terrifying, yet exhilarating journey the last five years. I promise you it gets better with practice, just as John said! You have blessed me so much by calling in. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! If I can do this, pull myself out of this thick and seemingly bottomless pit of programming, you can too! Sending you the biggest of hugs,
Sincerely,
Jennifer from SC
PS- if you want a friend to practice being open and honest with~ I'm on FB: Jennifer L. Cripps
You did an incredible thing by calling in and sharing~ you are further along than you think!! ❤
What an amazing comment. I hope the lady that called in sees your post. And your not alone, I am also on a self healing/reprogramming my mindset journey of past traumas. Best of luck to you & everyone else reading this.💗🦋
Thank you John for explaining this so clearly ❤
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I wish I lived where the caller lives! I need friends too.
My father was a Baptist pastor, and I can relate to some of this. At the same time, my parents did a lot to mitigate the negative aspects of growing up as a PK. And there were positives that far outweigh even going through some incredibly painful, messy church situations.
My parents tried to shield me from a lot, and they were adamant about protecting the confidences of others. Gossip was a huge no-no. At the same time, it’s impossible not to grow up in a pastor’s home without being exposed to tragedy, suffering, sin, etc. Sometimes my older brother or I, as teenagers, were the ones who answered the phone to people in crisis when our parents were not available. We had to be that compassionate, calm, reassuring voice in some truly frightening situations.
I’m thankful for that.
But it did create some issues in early marriage. My husband grew up, by contrast, extremely sheltered. In other words, he never encountered weeping rape victims in his living room after school, and his mother never had to hide a child from a mentally ill mother threatening murder/suicide. To me, my husband seemed woefully out of touch with real life, immature, emotionally fragile, ridiculously naive, and ill-equipped to deal with anything remotely difficult. Plus, he had never had to keep anything confidential in his entire life, and he grew up thinking blabbing other people’s private business was one of the best ways to make conversation.
We grew up in very different worlds. And that’s an issue I’ve not heard discussed enough.
Wow, that sounds so challenging. Thank you for sharing. I've always had a heart for pastors and their families but hearing your specifics makes it even more real.
You should call in and ask about that! My husband has areas of immaturity and lack of character as well.
@@AN-jw2oe My husband has grown up a lot since then!
Also, a lot of that was my own perception, based on my husband’s differing life experiences (or lack thereof). I’m reminded of a situation where a group of men were shocked to discover that most of their wives and female coworkers had experienced being threatened if not assaulted by men; some of the women were quite casual about their experiences, viewing them as “life as usual”, while the men grew distraught and emotional at hearing their stories. It’s not that the women needed counseling so they could deal with their husbands, nor was it a lack of character on the part of the men. It was simply a matter of differing life experiences. The women had been forced to learn “street smarts” that their husbands never had to learn.
So, yes, my husband grew up very sheltered by my standards, and I had to learn not to hold that against him. It wasn’t his fault!
Thank you for your comment. 😊 It made me understand a conflict I have with someone I consider naive/shelterd so much better!
I recently started individual therapy and this call gave me TONS to think about, bring up in my sessions.
Thanks! (I think! 😅)
Thank you for this call- very relatable!
So many young adults are going through this these days. Thank you John! It’s very helpful.
I relate to this to my core. We were pentecostal and my father was a preacher too. Took me into my late 50's to start to reconstruct myself from it.
Thank you for this question! This answer actually helped me a lot!
Oh I rebelled!
6 years of trying to be just me + 15 years working out who I really am and believe in .
It's a long road but a worthy one.
I really connected with this one, thank you for sharing.
She had so much courage calling in! I’ve struggled with this because I thought church and church leadership gave me my identity. Finally was hurt enough to realize where my source of love and identity come from!
Highly recommend Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. The chapter on truth without grace resonated with me while listening to her story.
Suggestion to those going through similar circumstances as the caller- find the community that is also deconstructing similar religious upbringings 🤷🏻♀️ that’s what helped my husband as he processed (and still processes) his religious trauma
Its not the vehicle (religion) its the person driving it.
She is experiencing what anyone would experience if your a child and your impressionable mind was exposed to someone wanting control over you.
It's both. Religion by the book is what you get.
religion is a mental illness driven by sociopathic nobodies aka the church, and especially the pastors and the elders.
@@curlyhairdudeifyYep. Legalism. Instead of living by God’s grace
I’m 33 yrs old and grew up in a second generation minister’s household. We weren’t the most legalistic people we knew by a long shot, but this all rang true to me. I started going to therapy at 24 and a LOT of the work I did was making decisions not feel like they would make or break my life. I missed out on enjoying my time with someone I loved because of it. Even though that relationship was not meant to be in the long run, I wish I could have been more free and present while I was with him. That isn’t the case anymore, but it took WORK. I didn’t know that was a pastor’s kid thing!!!
Wow! I understand myself so much now!!😅 was literally just thinking this a few nights ago why I can’t be deeper with people I really trust and want to be close friends with. It’s really hard when you’ve grown up feeling your purpose in life was to be the ultimate people pleaser!
Yesss!
i see alot of my friends kids being hampered by having to be a trophy kid all the time , it causes so much damage and ruined relationships with parents.
Wow. Hannah's story is very much like mine. I also grew up as a Baptist pastor's daughter - and so much of what John is saying is resonating deeply with me. Stuff that I really need to hear ❤ I don't have "all around" friends either. My relationships are all compartmentalized too. Now I understand why ❤ I grew up to be a good little family ambassador. I am so grateful for Hannah's call and for John's insightful response!
Very good topic of discussion!!!
I grew up in a Baptist church...fortunately led by some real people who knew...first hand...that life can be messy & they loved you anyways. Shining examples for me, to this day.
Man, this one hammered me good. I'm 63 years old and have struggled with this my entire life. I don’t mind talking to people either but I've only had four or five close friends my whole life. Finally chopped my mother completely off and ceased all church activity trying to sort it out. Now I understand why I did those things.
Thank you so much, Dr., for your insight and wisdom.
How many close friends do you think the average "normal" person has? I would be very skeptical if somebody claimed much more than that.
Yeah that's really nasty and messed up of you. You chopped your mother off. And not all going to church is bad.
@@judepecora8417 Even close friends come and go. I have three that have passed away and I am 63 years old. I guess it might be different for everybody.
Oh wow! This one was me almost exactly! Thanks! Soo Helpful!!
Well, that was rude; calling me out like that. My first podcast and already I finally understand why I struggle with friendships.
I tried. I tried being open with people in my last church groups, but John said some things that made me have an ah-ha moment epiphany....
Everyone around me at that time was probably _also_ trying to uphold their perfect, churchy porcelain doll status, so when I opened up about some seriously hard things that were happening in my life, no WONDER these women looked at me as if I had 5 heads!! There I thought that by me opening up, these women would feel safer to open up, too, (that's how I thought real relationships worked?) but they didn't. I was left in cold, awkward silence and then felt even MORE guilt and shame for opening up!! 🤯🤦🏻♀️
Years later I have deconstructed my beliefs and am building them back up with God, and also finding other people who are open and authentic and who just want to be vulnerable as well.
Bless every person here who relates with Hannah~ keep practicing! It's hard work but it's worth it ❤
Not everyone is safe opening up to, even if they're in your church group. Sad, but they're all people with issues too.
Hopefully it not have worst then my situation. i got rape/groomed by multiple pedophiles. Was encourage and told i will never have success and should find a husband at a young age i was told this plus my parent had 18 years in age difference so i thought it was normal to date older men has a child very young teen plus the 90 movies was quite rapey and my parents forced me to watch has sexual education when their pedo in these movies . i happily left the catholic and never got my confirmation! im an pagan with my own family now, no more of my parents in the picture or weird "nice" men's .I find it degusting/creepy that the men in the mono religion think I'm impure /dirty. Those men that hurt me are all of that, not me my first is my husband. or for my hymen if you must count the hymen has "purety " i guess it my baby cross of Jesus when i was 2 years old and a pair of scissors. Cannot be more holy than that or curse since i was 2 but hey prophet love little kids just like Mohammed so now there is Jesus . 💀 I was 2 had no idea what was this weird hole in my body ...I'm not a fan of his followers the worst people most hypocrite/fake people i ever meet and very predatory to girls and women in general! we are just a breeding cattle that must stay pure for these people...
Yes I have been there. I opened up in a small group and this lady said “ I didn’t come here for this” . But they want you to be authentic and transparent. I was so hurt by this but I realized the church really doesn’t care and really doesn’t want to deal with real pain. Because then you have to deal with the fact that God doesn’t always make thing pretty and perfect.
@funnygaming2672 Sorry for what you went through. May you heal and find peace and love. 🙏❤️
That IS how it's supposed to work. I'm sorry!
I love when he asks questions and says sentences like a future teller
This call speaks to my soul.
Wow, I can relate. But there are also many variables as to why.
I really appreciate the words about good done for the wrong reasons is still good. Affirms that much of what I did and learned as a child and young person that i have a hard time throwing out with the bathwater -- maybe i don't have to.
Thank you John for addressing this issue…
Thanks for making the call, Hannah. I also experienced an extremely similar childhood.
I share the same background and present-day struggles. 😅
My gosh I've always struggled with the same thing. I can make friends, but I can never actually make deep friendships. My dad is a Baptist pastor, and while my experiences weren't quite as severe I can 100% relate. They were great parents and fully loved us, but I was always expected to set a standard. I'm terrified that if someone finds out something bad about me then they won't want to be around me anymore
I ❤ that: makes it weird bc “ you see a lot as a kid but you don’t get to experience a lot “ Being spotlighted, growing up as a PK.
So beautifully articulated
I needed to see this video.
After hearing the thing about compartmentalizing friends, I think that's why I have a hard time being authentic with God. The thought of being fully known scares me. I want to find some friends. I'm in a new town and don't know anyone outside of work
I totally relate to this and resent my Baptist upbringing because of it. They drilled shame so deep into us girls that it has never fully gone away even though I’m a married adult. I remember when I was a kid our preacher’s wife brought her kids over to our house to swim and made us wear XL tshirts over our one piece swimsuits (at our OWN HOUSE) to “protect her boys” (who were in elementary school at the time). It’s all so disgusting
Such a shame. Sad to hear they went to such extremes
I vividly remember church camps where all the girls basically had to swim fully clothed while the boys could wear swim trunks with no shirt. 🙃
Alot of so called Christians don't truly know & love Christ. They are merely religious & legalistic. My parents were atheists and treated us kids like trash despite their education, wealth and clout in the community. Bottom line? We forgive our parents and others their failures as Christ instructed us. Doesn't mean we have to be close to these people. I'm not close with my mom but I give her honor. Jesus promised us a new heart, a renewed mind and a life of victory, peace & purpose. Stick close to Christ. He's the way. The Lord be with your spirit; grace be with you.
That does sound extreme but as a whole society needs more shame, there's too much degeneracy.
@@Ja50nkAt Society doesn't need shame. Shame produces poor behavior & self destruction. Society needs conviction & God's grace to carry on.
This one hits close.
I grew up in a pastor’s home where my brother and I were essentially paraded as trophies of my mom and dad’s marriage as a lot of people stood against it many years ago.
It was almost as if,
See?
These two good little boys are proof that our marriage was correct (which is neither here nor there)
Anytime we did something or tried to do something that was remotely sketchy we would hear:
How do you think that will reflect on us?
Thanks for posting this one.
I relate so much to this. I was never able to verbalize this feeling!
I relate so much. I was not a preachers kid, but my parents were incredibly religious and my stepdad was a narcissist. Everything I said and did was a direct reflection of him and his bragging rights. If I fell short he'd make up lies to make me look better (by fell short I mean I earned all As but one B instead of all As) and especially at church I was meant to be a perfect little doll. What's more, church was the only thing my mom would stand up for me on. My stepdad would punish me by taking away everything... (I didn't have access to a phone, computer or TV to begin with) my books, art supplies, access to the shower... the one thing she'd never let him take was my access to church which only added fuel to the fire as I perfected my goody goody image. I'm 35 now and it is sooooo hard to be known my others. I hate giving my opinion. I'll spend weeks, months, YEARS, DECADES rethinking how I should have acted/spoke. It is so heavy. Much, much easier to avoid situations where people might find an imperfection in me. I joined a book club in January and it's helping. It's hard to go back every month and know the women there have an opinion of me that I am not controlling bc I share my genuine thoughts and feelings and just let it be. It's hard, but also freeing and much less difficult than making friends and sharing personal things.
Access to shower??! 🤬 Sorry for what you went through. May you heal and find peace and love.🙏❤️
Yes.. a lot about your comment I can relate to.
Hannah, thank you for asking this question. I'm a fellow Michigander struggling with some of these same issues. Blessings on your healing journey❤
“ everybody cut everybody cut ! Footloose !! “
😂😂😂💃💃💃
My family was religious. My mother has undiagnosed mental illness. It made us kids preform to be loved. If you acted out you stopped being loved. I have always been the deemed the bad kid by my mom. I am 28, married, have a child. Never has my mom said she thinks I am a good person or she likes me. That's hard but made me a strong person.
You are so loved. I have kids your age. Even if your Mom hasn't told you. I love you. I am proud of who you have become. My kids grew up hard by what my ex husband was like. I try to let everyone know now know they are loved. Even if I don't know them. ❤
Their is no such thing as mental illness, but I'm sure your mother has dealt with some kind of trauma or generational curses.
Right. I remember my parents saying to me "I love you" 3 times total. 1 time from my father and 2 times from my mother. I am 40.
Purity culture is such a disservice. Not only do girls get creeped out by people caring so much about their "purity" (trust me, they do!), it also creates a lot of shame when they experience natural desires. There's nothing wrong with waiting, but feeling like you have to and suppressing your feelings can lead to both emotional and physical performance issues later on. I mean, how can someone who's been suppressing urges their whole life suddenly just become comfortable with inhabiting their body on their wedding night? And this permeates into other areas of life as well.
Melissa- YES!!! You said this so well!! This was me. It has taken years for me to be able to speak up in bed about my likes and to be comfortable in my own skin, and with intimacy.
Thank you for posting your comment. Church/purity culture, really screwed me up, but I'm happy to report I've done a lot of healing and am on the other side of things 😊❤
@@starlingswallow I can definitely relate to your struggles! I'm definitely healing too. It feels good to find my voice!
Also, ppl getting married just so they can have sex...
I have no regrets at all. I’m glad I didn’t have sex with every guy I ever met until I met my husband. The worldly views say sleep with everyone NOOOO. IMso glad I didn’t have to deal with sex in high school and breakups. Get drunk sleep with a ton of guys in college um no.
@@VelveteenRabbit77 I never had sex in high school and never had drunken sex with random guys. But I was badly damaged by the obsession over my sex life by grown men.
Sounds like she needs to join things that isn't church, garden club readers group etc and meet people
Wow, this hit home and I didn't even grow up in a religious environment (quite the opposite, my parents are/were atheists). But my narcissistic, controlling mother had the same effect. I've been in therapy for over a year and I'm getting there but it's a long road to find and then love & respect yourself without thinking about what anyone else might be thinking.
This one hit home 😢
We’re in the era of social media. Most relationships are superficial. Friends are overrated and can be a bad influence. It s hard enough nowadays to find a genuine partner theses days, so in that aspect you’re blessed.
That's a really sad perspective :(
How many people in the past ACTUALLY had friends?
@@frozendonut722 and it's a true perspective.
oh, that mess upbringing is described so well !!
Wow 18-19 yrs old showing up in college with overused injuries similar to elderly people. 90 years old shoulders
85 yrs old knees and hips because of the insanity of childhood SPORTS
That's deep!!!
I am in the healthcare industry caring for 90 year olds who can walk
Slowly but they can walk... what will happen to these youth in 30-40-50 years 😢sad
I am so glad I clicked on this video. I was a pastors kid.
She's not alone!
I grew up Mormon, with all of the "licked cupcake" and "chewed gum" lessons, and talks where church leaders taught girls to accept responsibility for being r@ped (because they qore a tank top or shorts) and SA by "righteous priesthood leaders" was swept under the rug to preserve the good name of rhe church and the patriarchy. This call was very helpful!
One of the big differences between being a pastor’s kid and most other professions is that people’s perception of you and your behavior directly impacts your family’s income. Pastors loose their jobs over their kid’s behavior all the time. That is a lot of pressure put on a child. This fact is also why pastors have a tendency to have their children be the perfect dolls to show off how good they are to their communities.
This happens in families that aren't religious too. Growing up carrying the weight of the "family image" is exhausting.
I was so grateful that unlike every single one of my childhood friends, I wasn’t made to go to conservative private school or be homeschooled. People at church were shocked by my siblings and I because in spite of that, we were pretty good kids. Funnily enough, I’ve had the fewest sex partners, smoked the least, had the fewest binge drinking sessions, fewest education struggles, etc. (And no, none of that makes anyone bad, it’s just that that’s not what any parents expected so jokes on them.) Moral of the story: if you don’t want your kids to go hog wild when they leave your household, don’t smother them or try to prevent them from having normal teen experiences like dating, dances, and hanging out with all their friends at someone’s house late at night.
Wow this hit hard. Like really hard. Wow.
I am raising a PK. I hate when people blame everything on their parents being in ministry. You are not a victim.
Ocd ( reassurance seeking) matched with too much church.....makes for crazy times. You confess to Jesus about everything and never feel forgiven...rinse and repeat.😮😮😮😮😮
Ohhhh my! Who else here is practicing not answering? I’m 33, and just starting off with this!! Your advices / motivations / how did it initially feel??
Relatable... purity culture is also isolating because of the lack of proper sex education. People unfamiliar with the culture find it utterly unbelievable that an adult would not know basic things about their bodies and intimacy.
I wonder if we’re going to see a lot of this with influencer kids
🤔😔
I regret that I only have one upvote to give.
My grandfather was a preacher. Very old school. Dancing was considered a sin. We went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, children's church, vacation Bible school, church camp. Our cousins were our friends, we couldn't go over to other people's houses. We always had to perform in front of the church, play an instrument, sing, be in programs etc. It was all for show. We always had to look perfect. I have a strong relationship with God, it's the church I struggle with. I rebelled so bad as a teen. Acted out. Got pregnant. I'm sure I was the epitome of disappointment for my family. I still have so much anger and resentment that I struggle with.
Whew just made me tired. I remember my Pentecostal upbringing
all's I can offer is validation and I think you're totally validated to have anger and resentment. Let that be yours ya know?
Translation: my family rightfully so showed me how to live life according to God, yet I decided to be slut and blame my parents for everything. You should absolutely feel as a disappointment to your family! People can make mistakes and tell their parents, im sorry, you were right. Instead you decided to just keep on your disgusting path while dishonoring your family.
Being pure, and not sleeping with every looser in high school is respect for your beautiful body that God gave you to enjoy in complete intimacy, not just flesh…
But the church took religion as a means to send girls into being intimidated about their sexuality.
Being pure...🤔 It's a shame that nothing about purity is said about tha attitude one should have to an other. You can wait until marriage, but spread the most vilifying rumor (true or not) on someone.🤮😔
Grew up in a Strong LDS home, and while I still love the faith, it did a number on me. Perfectionism and the continual failure to reach that standards are things I still struggle with. It’s hard when you believe to your core you have to earn love and acceptance rather than have them freely given.
Me too. 😢
This journey out of that programming has been an uphill climb with many tears...but I am so much better now!
It's worth the struggle to get free of all of that mess!
Man, well, if it helps the God I know freely gives love and loves us flaws and all.
Yeah, me too. My mother took on the very embodiment of the scriptures, and acted as though she WAS the church.
Completely relate with this
My parents weren't as strict but my mom definitely raised me to be an obedient little cog in a machine with no self confidence because, "my confidence should be found in God." I just wish there was a way I could have had both. My parents loved me and tried their best but their ignorance resulted in me hating Christianity but being too scared of hell to leave completely.
I did have friends before. I learned quickly that they would talk about me amongst themselves and I was really nothing to them. Every person I’ve considered a friendship with since then, that’s all I notice… they talk about others as well. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk again. I don’t want to trust people who are capable of smiling at your face and claiming to love you but turning around and using you as gossip fodder. I just don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s pretty lonely sometimes
You should never trust them but it's a learning experience if you look at it that way. You know what you're not looking for in friendships.
I went to school in Kalamazoo! The logo at the time was Kalamazoo…sounds like fun!
Oh my god, when he asked those questions at first, I was shocked that I have the same answers. At least this woman is married. I can't even form romantic relationships.
Its sad to think how many men and women like Hannah are raised up in toxic competition against other church families. this is prone to happen across all denominations. Pastor families are especially prone to this pressure. What is even sadder, is seeing these victims walk away from God entirely. Sound biblical upbringing is the authorship of stability in the home and marriage. Finding that balance always takes humility and a willingness to make him/her vulnerable to people that care about you. Thanks for sharing John and Hannah!
That's what I did I completely walked away from God the funny thing is that I have never seen him but people are claiming they have seen aliens. lmao! They are seeing flipping aliens crash landing in Vegas and yet no one has seen God. What an ass hat he just sits there laughing at everyone why aliens probe people.
Relating 100% to this
Purity culture and overemphasis of modesty and the responsibility of women in that issue is upstream of victim blaming
ive done this whole, one person as my oxygen tank, and doing what im "supposed" to do.... except i have no friends now. and my parents werent ministers or anything but did go go after the religious thing after i became a teenager
Hi John,
I’m new to your channel. Nicely done!
At a very young age , I quickly figured out the insanity of these “boxed in” religions.
I don’t go to church. I believe in God/infinite intelligence, and have a great life. I’ve made mistakes (a few) good for me , learned lots! Life wasn’t always easy but I live and let live. Life is great!
Lots of peace to your caller. She deserves a life filled with wonderful experiences.
Let it all go! The Universe/ God/ infinite Intelligence/ Jehovah/ Allah, whatever’s name you call this great Spirit, will work it all out! 👍😉.
Keep well.
“ You see a lot, but you don’t get to experience a lot.” You also learn a lot of superstitious dogma to run your life by. That’s hard wired as your operating system INSTEAD OF experience in every day reality. Some people also leave their body, meaning you have to leave your true reactions to life and pretend to be a good little adult. But as soon as you realize you can’t be you and have to act like an adult, You’re development gets arrested! Now try to do life. You can’t create when you’ve missed developmental stages. Emotionally and experientially your child self is stuck and can’t move forward until you connect with her and start processing all The feelings she never got to feel so you can grow her up and move into creating a life.
As a 52 year old adult, I can say that I am so thankful for my ultra conservative upbringing. I’m thankful for a father who instilled the fear of God in us and I believe that I’m a productive adult today because of what he did then. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always easy or fun, but I knew that my father loved me.
Are you a man?
@@alisonf6478 no doubt a man wrote this
Fear of god… lol
@@sarahcox9734I mean, you're not exactly Sherlock Holmes. His profile pic and video on his channel give it away 😂
@@nikkita1688 didn't even need to click in bro
I felt like they were talking about me
this is why Ieft the church and an not close to my parents People too judgemental I cant just be me caused me self esteem issues
You know, l find it difficult finding authentic people inside or outside of the church. And honestly, l think most people are ok with surfacey level of friendships.
I am not.🤷
There are communities that won't judge but they are not religious.
Oh this is so me!
Important to know that these experiences (usually by women) are a function of people within the church but not the doctrine of Jesus or the church as a whole.
My husband grew up fundamental Baptist and then messianic, and it has made it very difficult for him to make friends too. Everyone around him was so superficial, and there were few genuine friendships to be seen since so many put on a false front of perfection. He's working on moving past this, though, and trying to make genuine connections with genuine people.
Some of the most superficial people I've ever met have been within church walls. 😢
One of my best friends is an atheist and he acts/treats others more living than many believers I've known❤
@@starlingswallow and that’s the crazy part. I’ve had more unbelievers show me live and concern that my fellow church members when I’ve had a need
So glad I had very little religious upbringing, because I saw what it did to so many of my Catholic friends ! Most of them you cannot get into a church anymore! My Baptist friends were held captive days and nights in church’s. What a nightmare that was….l visited once. So, no thank you!
I told my mum that earlier last month. She was complaining about how I hide when we have guests. Even guests who are extended family members. Why I sequester myself away from people.
I told her point blank. It's because you people (my parents) kept parading us in front of guests when we were young, and then getting asked, questioned and critiqued about our performance in school and sports.
I told her I'm uncomfortable with being paraded and being looked at and questioned by other people.
This makes so much sense now.
And saying that her husband is her oxygen tank/heroin syringe,... Well,... I'm looking at myself and raising my eyebrows at myself, because... same dynamic.
I'm far from religious but I'll be her friend 😂 making friends is super hard as adult women.
"You are now a dysfunctional adult". This is SAD! You need balance.