Let me start off by saying that this video is not meant to offend anyone (as always 😐) but I know a lot of people will be offended... I get told constantly by my family and friends that I have this new air about me since living in Germany, whether it be how I present myself, the "attitude" I have towards small talk, or the confidence I possess.... I constantly get told that I have changed (in most way positively) and that it is nice to see that I am becoming a mature woman. This video is NOT about feminism which I feel I will receive a bunch of comments regarding that topic. I am not a person that likes to group everything under an umbrella term and call it a day. I like explaining my personal experiences and my personal growth and making that my own personal story. I have realized that opposing views/ways of life are so very important in the world and molding people into fine citizens. Granted I am not perfect nor is Germany or the USA BUT I am so very lucky that I have been able to experience & pick and choose which characteristics I want to identify with. 😘👍
In my experience everybody is more mature after staying in another culture for an extended amount of time. Usually that is the first possibility for you to look at your native environment from the outside. That way you see things you did not see before.
Haylay, I grew up in a tiny village in the north of Germany. One of my best friend was the son of our local Pastor. I guess I have a very different idea about Christianity. We don't get lectured about what is the right believe, we simply live it and that doesn't mean we have to go to church. As for being a glitter girl. Nice thought. I hardly see that in California.
I dated a guy in Germany whose father was a pastor... and the family had the same views as my old town in Florida... at first I enjoyed the "home" feeling that they gave me... He paid for my meals, he opened the door, and did all these "kind" gestures BUT I remember his mother telling me that I would need to learn how to cook and clean if I wanted to be his wife... and he agreed with her...I ran soooo far away from that relationship and never looked back.
Do you know the film "3 Haselnüsse für Aschenbröddel" (3 wishes for Cinderella)? It's one of the most popular fairytale films in Germany. It's from the 70ies. The huge difference to the US films about Cinderella, how strong she was. She didn't care about the Prince ' status, she could ride a horse as well as he could, she was a better markswoman. And when she meet him so dressed up like a princess, he told her, he found his bride. Just to be told : you forgot to ask, if she wants to be your bride. And he had to get a riddle right first, one he should have gotten right, if he knew her. German women grew up with this Cinderella, a strong woman, far from helpless, even being in a dire situation.
My absolute favorite childhood movie!!! I still watch it as a "Christmas tradition" but to be honest that's just an excuse to watch it at all 😜 and you perfectly summed it up. She's independent and rather not have the prince if he just wanted a pretty 'princess' instead of a fearless and strong life partner and not be ashamed of her upbringing (a maid)..
I have to say that it is a very difficult topic because I actually enjoy having a certain belief BUT I dislike when I feel conflicted by the "teachings" of certain people in power. In the USA we are taught to have freedom of belief and that is a good thing BUT so many false interpretations of a certain belief that lead people to believe that certain groups are inferior...
@@HayleyAlexis that is the problem with religions, all religions: They tend to create a 'them & us' situation and are therefore on the whole a force of division when we desperately need to unite.
@@gustavmeyrink_2.0 that´s not "the problem" with religions that´s the purpose of religions = controlling society and shaping people in order to controll society... ever was and ever will be.
@@michaelgrabner8977 there is at least one shining exception: Sikhism. They are not allowed to proselytize or treat non-members different in any way. Everybody is welcome to their temples where they serve food (you do have to show respect by covering your head though). The food is vegetarian not because they are (they're not) but to avoid them&us situations because where they originate from there are many hindus who are vegetarian and muslims who have to eat halal meat, The food is donated by the congregation according to their ability and the richest members have to serve it to remind them that they were luckier than others.
The thing that I can´t understand is that Muslims, Jews and Christians believe in the same god so why is it impossible to coexist in peace? Buddhists, Hindi etc seem to be much more tollerant.
This is interesting. My experience as a woman living and dating in the US has been frustrating. Time and time again, I have been told that I was too independent and this is a turn off for men. Maybe I should have been born in Germany?
@@j.j.3759: the American Women I met were all from near big Cities or from inside... And all are "old Hippie-Flowers" or...Musicians, Artists or something like this....travelling around the Earth like me! Very independent! 😉😊👍🍀 So I think that I don't met "normal" US-Women, I met mostly very independent, tough Women like myself... OMG, thanks for! 😍🍀👍 But one time I had some Visitors in my House, HE was the Cousin of my Life-Partner, he comes with his Wife and little Son (such a cute little Boy 😍💞). Both were in the US-Army, but she was "one Step higher" than he was, because of his Diabetic Disease.... She had really "Hair on her Teeth", if you understand this German meaning... 😉😏😠💪😡😝 I don't know if the Ethnic's makes a Difference... They are Afro-Americans, and my Boyfriend at this time means, this were a typical Afro-American Woman from the US-Army, they would be all so strong and straight and really hard to their Men as she are.... I don't know....but she was a Beast! 😬😱😣😲 I have a total different "Style" to use a nice Behavior to my Man, or another more respectful way to treat him....I don't know to explain! 😢😩
Ahaha I feel you. I am from Canada and men seems very divided on the matter, half of them seem to praise independence and a hardworking attitude a lot whilst the other half will shame you (sometimes very openly) because you are confident, demanding and you aren’t here to be some sort of patriarchy trophy to some man, it’s quite weird.
This. So much. I felt so displaced living in the US as a German woman with an extremely independent mother as a role model (even in German standards). Dating was a nightmare as well with guys wanting to go out with mmediately and paying when I did not feel comfortable with it at all. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ traveling and living abroad truly is a life changing experience. Mainly because it changes your mindset on things and because you discover/understand yourself in a way you probably never would have at home.
Being German means you implement things thoroughly (Abfalltrennung) after having taken a long time to get it. The same for women, they over do it with feminism, at least in the 80's and 90's, when the first wave of divorces came after new divorce laws gave them half of the husband's pension.
@@KJ-md2wj so what you're saying is that now they are doing it right in Germany? 😄 Also love the comparison of feminism and Abfalltrennung... Very appropriate... 👌👌👎
@@swanpride I tried to adapt a little in terms of how I communicated my opinion but I only lived there for half a year so I can't say I changed much. Granted, I lived in hipster/feminist Portland, OR while working in a conservative company. I basically danced around the different opinions every day
I’m from the East coast and recently studied in Germany for six months and wow, could not have said it better myself! I was so confused by how women carried themselves at first, how men didn’t dote on the women they were with, and then a few months in all the sudden, it all clicked and I completely understood the dynamics and how wrong I had been looking at things all along! Such a weird culture shock that was so unexpected
@@krollpeter didnt understand as well... www.deepl.com/translator#en/de/how%20men%20didn't%20dote%20on%20the%20women%20they%20were%20with coudln't figure out what "dote" was supposed to mean.
Yeah :) I really enjoy these things BUT like i stated in the video... I don't know if I would have liked them had they not been shoved down my throat as a child. I will never NOT love pink but it's just interesting to think of the WHAT-IFs...
well, but you then have to put up with being judged along these criteria as a natural consequence of the image you are giving. just a tiny example of what I mean by this: heavily made up: ok, she will take for ever in the bathroom before she gets going in the morning - *every* morning, and do I really want to eat all this crap whenever I kiss her? perfect long finger nails: she wont do any physical work, so in a relationship, the household chores will all be mine. top brand clothing: she will expect me to pay for all of those meters and meters of wardrobe of "nothing to wear". etc. do I really want to work like a mule just to support all this?! or wouldn´t I prefer a woman who looks like she will *give and take* 50% of whatever comes along in a relationship=partnership?
@@FiveOClockTea taking care of yourself means the same as in a guy taking care of himself: hygiene. make up is unhygienic (ask your dermatologist!), therefore, the opposite, weirdly expensive (luxury brand) clothing has nothing to do with taking care of oneself, either, it is just the wrong financial priorities unless you have unlimited funding etc.
@@HayleyAlexis so I grew up in a very religious baptist environment in Germany. (Yes we have those, too) But the girls and women there weren't told to dress up and make themselves look as beautiful as possible. They should behave and dress modestly as to not constantly arouse the men around them, or some silly reason like that. Many of us teens left the church because we had enough (and perhaps because it was easier because the rest of the society wasn't that backwards) When I later visited an old friend wo moved out of her father's home (he was the pastor) into a WG, I expected to see the strong independent woman that she became match her personality e.g. with a minimalistic interior design. I was wrong. Her bedroom was completely pink. It looked like a fairy tale princess' bedroom. She was still assertive and knew what she wanted. But in her first room away from her parents, what she wanted was a pink bedroom in order to feel like a princess. All I'm saying is you don't have to dress or do your make up a certain way to be strong and independent. It's the other way round. And maybe certain things you like only because of your upbringing, as long as you like them, do them. If not anymore, feel free to change. Even daily, if what you like changes back and forth.
Your personal development is remarkable. I think it is really hard, to become aware of the values that are ingrained in our subconsciousness since our childhood and to reevaluate them and overcome the ones that don't seem fitting anymore. To be able to do this, you have to be attentive and openminded, it is difficult to get over the judgemental and defensive phase. I guess you were a strong woman from the start, your upbringing just didn't put a spotlight on that.
A long time ago I spent a year in the US as an exchange student. I had such a hard time to make friends because in Germany I was used to have female and male friends. I was very confused about boys thinking they could make a pass at me simply because we met to go to a cinema. I felt that boys and girls were seen as separate worlds. That was my culture shock.
I’m Canadian in Germany. I’d say I’ve always had male friends, people would always think something romantic is going on, but of course that’s not always the case. I’ve noticed in Germany many people have friends of the opposite gender and it’s not a problem. I have plenty of male friends and my ex-German boyfriend was always so jealous 😬 guess it depends on the person.
this is probably the most interesting, deepest report I've seen here on TH-cam. Thank you for your personal views and insight into your life. Regards from Hamburg / Germany ----------- dies ist ja wohl der interessante, tiefgründigste Bericht den ich hier auf TH-cam gesehen habe. Danke für deine persönlichen Ansichten und den Einblick in dein Leben. Regards from Hamburg / Germany
Hi Hayley ! I am also a US born woman (from Philly/NYC) and have lived in DE more than 2 decades (after living in Canada for 10+ years). I'm an artist working in Theater, so my world is probably different than many foreigners here. I agree with your observations.....and have experienced much of the same. I also have much better female friends here in Germany, there's much more depth to everyone. For me, I've learned from working all over the world that it's helpful to realize there are different rights and wrongs in every country/culture; ie; behaviours, etc. and we just keep learning and adapting. I am so grateful to be here!
I was raised in a religion that taught that women were to defer to their husbands and that he had the final say in everything, we were taught that men came before women, they get served first and that women are the home makers and moms and even if we work outside the home, kids, dinner, housework e.t.c is still our responsibility. My first husband was abusive and in the same religion....I have this amazing friend who inserted a backbone and needless to say we are no longer married. I'm not in that religion anymore and my husband that I've been married to for 13 years treats me amazing and our relationship is very equal. I look at the difference of who I am now compares to then and it's unreal. We grow, change and more importantly, we grow up ❤
Yes!! Certain things like "Get your boyfriend a plate of food before yourself".... and sometimes I wanted to say "is my boyfriend armless?". If I would have said that I probably would have gotten kicked out of the damn city LOL I am so glad you found an amazing husband!!! I think one of the best things in life is to find someone that respects you, loves you, and treats you how they want to be treated
That's exactly the point. Before the marriage you are treated like a princess after like a maid. I like to be treaten like a buddy all the time, so I don't rely on a guy how good or bad my life will be.
You ought to be submissive to your man. Yes! Just not in this extreme form. In a way that also makes you happy. You are the happiest when you serve your man and he highly appreciates it.
I honestly didn't know how to spell it. I constantly heard this name because a lady I worked for had a mother named Gertrud... and she would constantly tell me... to not eat so much because fett sein ist nicht süss... Now here I am... Gertrud would be sooooo upset with my wampe 😅😆
I was raised by a Southern man and Midwestern woman in California. I heard a lot of the "be pretty" stuff but completely rebelled and I was very independent as well as a tomboy. I'm 30 now and that has not changed. The great thing my dad taught me was to be independent even though it went against his understanding of what women were/are supposed to be. However, when I became a teen, both of my parents really got on me hard about appearance. I'm glad that I never caved and I'm not teaching my daughter to have the weird sense of gender specific inferiority or entitlement.
OMG, I really can relate to this video. Coming from a South East Asia country, women were taught to be a barbie type and of course expect men to pay the bills, and I had my struggle when I moved to Germany. Anyway the gag was when my partner (a German guy) and I - as an Asian looking woman - had vacation in a Middle East country, where they also view paying bills is a male's job. We were at a restaurant, the waiter came to us, he told my partner how much our bill was, my partner pointed to me, I took my wallet and paid, and I will never forget the waiter's reaction who was in total shock :))) Maybe the waiter thought I was the submissive one (another stereotype of Asian woman), but in fact I am the one who's better with our cash flow, so I got the responsible for it. However, I am still enjoying my partner calls me princess, cause what he meant is a warrior princess :)))
I LOL'd so hard at the "this is how you präsentier dich, Gertrrrrud, niemand will dich heirrraten, wenn du so ne Zicke bist, nee nee nee, das geht übäärhaubt nich...". Loved the total switch to the rolling Bavarian R in mid-sentence. Wow!
Wow, definitely one of my very favourite expressive videos of yours. I love to see you being analytic, reflective and maturing at such an early age. You keep surprising me at a deeper level - please go on like that, it is definitely the right direction and approach you are taking.
Interesting - I was also 23 years, when I came to the USA from Germany - but it is a long time ago. I moved to Chicago and found very little difference between American and German Women. But there is a difference between American women in the big northern Cities and in the South. I now live in Arkansas and see the difference. Anyway I married my American Woman some 60 years ago and I very happy with her and I feel she is an other human being equal to me.
This is so interesting. I grew up in New York City and I grew up the complete opposite (like you said). Glad you were able to learn and grow. It's so important to experience different cultures, communities, etc. because we learn so much and adopt new things.
Me as a "Deutsche mit Migrationshintergrund" 😅 (Turkish) makes it proud to hear such an opinion.. But same time I think even here in Germany we are not at the goal of equality of men and women.. Still fighting 💪😎😂 that's the reason why we don't let anybody makes us down.. Sorry about hearing the way women (not only in the US..) are raised up like they would be just like a doll
that is true... Supposedly according to many studies and research..Scandinavian countries are the best when it comes to treating women fairly. The same research (which was a non-profit organization) said that the USA was number 15 on the list of worst countries for women... Which is crazy to see the USA (supposedly a progressive economic powerhouse) to be in the same list as countries like Egypt, Oman, and Saudi Arabia. I am not saying that those countries are horrible but when using an index and how people perceive certain places to be.... it is just crazy that people in the USA don't see these issues...
I highly doubt it will happen at all.... for total equality that would mean no greedy people and there will always be people that want to oppress groups to gain something out of it... In some countries it is women, in other countries it's poor people, and in other countries it's black people.... It may be better BUT I highly doubt it will be eliminated...It will just take form as something else.
YAAAASSS!!! I dated a guy from SF (I'm from Frankfurt) and when I visited him and wanted to take care of the check (after he did the two nights before), he almost felt embarrassed or ashamed. Obviously I didn't want to make him feel that way, instead, I wanted to show that I don't take anything for granted (and of course that hell yes, I can pay my own bills haha). When the waiter reacted very oddly, I kinda noticed that this must be a cultural thing ;) Side note: you didn't just grown because of Germany or the german women or whatever- you did because you self reflected which takes a lot of strength and bravery!! Be so proud of yourself!! And with your confidence and story now, you're a role model for other girls ;)
Yes, I'm impressed with that level of self reflection! I got to spend time in China for a while and it really helps you grow to see that things can be done and looked at differently
@@Anon54387 And you don't think the same way about the gal? I mean, she is maybe only dating you for free meals? Or are you entitled to take her home after the the third date?
You've grown a lot since the beginning of this channel. I do not want to offend you, but in the beginning you gave some kind of american barbie wibe. Now you sound like a grown-up woman instead of a girl. I also know that going to live in another country and culture can be a huge eye opener, because it helps us see the BS of our own culture and the way it has brainwashed and conditioned us.
I've been following your channel for quite some time now. I think the first of your videos I stumbled across was the one you published after your guest family literally threw you out of their house. Comparing the person in those videos to nowaday's Hayley, I have to say you have grown out of that "princess stereotype" SO MUCH (and in a good way)! At first I just liked to hear your "outside" perspective on my country (which has always been very interesting and also profound IMHO). However, over the years you also really earned my respect for how you made your way in a foreign country, all on your own and for how you not only mastered the language but also grew into the culture. I know it probably sounds cheesy, but I'm kind of proud of you! ;-)
Thank you Markus, I think I have a long way to go with learning more about Germany and making it my "official home" BUT I am trying my best and working towards it as much as I possibly can. A lot of people found me on TH-cam during that time actually... I did not have subscribers BUT people watched my videos. A lot of people have basically watched me grow up over the years.... It is always refreshing to see comments from usernames that I have seen in the past or even comments from people telling me that they remember my past :) I hope you stick around... because I am pretty sure my journey will keep going... Granted you don't have to watch every video but be sure to check back every once in awhile!!
Its funny how living in a different culture can help open your eyes to differences in upbringing and even societal norms. I, living in China (East Asia), have the opposite experience lol. I thought how lovely it was to see how girls would dress up, take care of themselves, and yet not be push overs (learn the language and you will know what I mean--these girls are tough and love to look good!). I felt that most Americans and even Europeans didn't take care of themselves as well, often times not considerate of the conversation and the whole mood of expressing feelings. Its different culturally and there isn't a wrong way of expression. I found it interesting to see how our perspectives changed after learning a new language and living in another country. These differences can so easily lead to misunderstandings and broad judgements of one another. I come from a Colombian American background and the women are fierce, but they like to look good and dolled up. We can stand on our own but like to be taken care of as well. My husband, who is Chinese, noticed this--noticed I didn't just want to rely on him, even though he loves to take care of me. I think there is a balance to all of this somewhere, and uniting cultures sometimes helps brings that neat balance. :)
@@ramblingmillennial1560 How so, and I am genuinely curious and learning (maybe the joke went over my head lol)? It is how my husband defined it to me... EDIT: let me be clearer, he explained it that way because other areas are very different culturally.
My mother always said: "Makeup is for prostitutes". Well, the woman my father left her for always wore makeup. And although I know my mother was a bit stubborn, I still don't wear makeup and fancy clothes.
I (as an adult german women) like to be treated as a princess as much as the next girl - but this princess kicks ass and takes names. I often think that many american women have that "damsel in distress" routine as a default position. Most german women are raised to take care of themselves und not to depend on somebody else. I mean, been taken care of is nice - once in a while... But I once hat a boyfriend who did everything the way I wanted. He went: "Yes, Honey ... of course, Darling... whatever you like..." needless to say, that relationship wasn't long-lived. 😉 But I like the idea, that living here in Germany gave you a chance to discover this stronger and more assertive part of you. Thanks for making me smile! 🙂
I agree with your "damsel in distress" view. I, like many others, grew up on Disney movies, for example, and most of the princess movies depict a young woman in need of rescue from her prince. It sends that message to a young mind. Though I'm not a female, this message still reared its ugly head to many young fellas like myself. I used to want some fantastic prince-like man to come "rescue" me and take care of me because I had the mentality that this was love and how it should be in order to be happy. Growing older and becoming more independent taught me this wasn't necessary, and though I still want to be "swept off my feet", it means something different than it meant when I was 25. I'm hoping that more young people (especially little girls) in the US will be taught to kick ass and take names and that they don't need to be rescued - and that young boys will not be taught to look down on girls or that they are superior to girls. I believe it's coming around due to influence in Hollywood changing, but it will still take time.
As a man I have to say that a "princess" is nice and most of the men like the idea of saving this "damsel in distress" BUT for a long term relationship these women are boring.
@@taylorandrews2175 lol. As if we German girls watched anything other. That can't be it. We grow up on Disney just like Americans. I think we balance it out in our family life and school. (I had a friend who lived with family in America the first years of her life. She was so used to be treated as a little princess. Trying to "flirt" her way through challenges at 6/7 years old. Took years to get that out of her. 😜 She's now a different person. Kicking ass and independent. Quiet interesting how your whole personality can change if you change the enviroment.)
@@taylorandrews2175 Old disney movies are based on fairytales which are from historic times where women had been weak because it was all about physical strenght in everday life for most (and yes biological built we are weaker as a whole). Being a housewife only had been a sign of wealth that the women had not to do exhausting work. And on the other way around the men had to be strong knights fighting the monsters. Soft non-strong men had and often still are looked down (even here in the comment section from the so strong independent women). The gender role stress counts for both. Without technical development and how this changed society and working places modern equality would never have been realised. Modern disney movies aren't like that aynmore not even Barbie. And many movies and other parts in the US have the absolute opposite mentality and are kickass raising even more as europe. All the girl power media entertainement is from the USA.
"I still think I'm ignorant about many things" But we're already a billion times less ignorant by acknowledging that we're all somewhat ignorant. As long as we grow we're doing just fine and being out best selves! We should all grow for a lifetime
One of the most interesting videos I have seen about culture differences so far! I wasn't aware of that at all. And I am glad that you got more independend and won't dictate your life by weird expections of others!
Hayley, one of your main strengths is your ability to be introspective. To be able to look at yourself and honestly say , this is good or this is bad, gives you the ability to improve yourself. Most people just exist, without thinking if their behaviour is god, bad or appropriate. These point wonder why the world gives them a shitty time occasionally. They are clueless. But you have the ability to be self critical or understand why you think or do certain things. This habit of introspection will result in a happy life for you. I wish you success and happiness.
This is such an important video! Growing up in NY in the 70's, schooled in strict Catholic and Episcopalian schools, I was a rebel, a tomboy and just different. I was miserable, misunderstood and depressed. Now at almost 60, I reflect back on this everyday as to why I am who I am and why I feel so disconnected from the US. I'm extremely independent, work in typically male industries, now in high tech, introverted, have few friends and still long to find a place and people that I feel comfortable with.
Was so refreshing to watch this! Like people can try hard to relfect on themselves but you won't always find the answer but you did for yourself and you came out and shared this with us. This is so strong and truly inspiring :)
As a Brazilian woman, I can only relate to this video. German women are very independent, assertive and strong. In Brazil women are raised very differently than here, there's a lot of body shaming and sexism going on so that's why they are so hooked on how they look. Of course this is changing but there's a lot of religious people who cause this strong stigma on them. In Germany I was really surprised how non "feminine" German women dress themselves and etc. The clothes you wear and the way you look has nothing to do with your femininity and I have learnt this here. Before beauty, there's your character, how you treat yourself and others, the person who you really are. That comes first for them. The rest is just a social construction I guess.
German women are masculine and it's very off putting to men. There's a reason German men are crazy about women from other cultures before their own women.
@@BB-qk8on I don't know what is worse: your English or your mindset. To me it sounds like, you and those kind of men want women to obey and look pretty. Like the old TV add from the 50's said: The only 2 questions a woman should ask herself is "What to wear?" and "What to cook?"
So funny, my AMERICAN husband (I’m German) had the hardest time when he had to deal with me not letting him pay all the time when we started dating. He got raised that way. I also told him, he didn’t need to hold the door open for me. Sometimes I regret that hahaha (jk, it‘s faster if I open it myself)
LMAO I remember when I dated a guy in the USA (when I came back from Germany in 2016 I believe) and when the bill came I said "separate". The guy really was upset that I said that and insisted that he pay. I remember a week or so went by and he called me to tell me... It was not going to work out because I made him feel like less of a man for fighting with him to pay the bill.... I don't think I have ever told that story BUT typing it out really made me chuckle.
People make a too big deal out of it. Say once you honstly happily pay for yourself - if you want showing how very independent you are add the sentence "because I have my own income"- but if he realley insists let him and say thank you and that's it. It is not such a big deal. And if it is still SUCH a devaluation for you independence pay the next date fully before he can like buying the movie tickets, or going to toilett and when coming back stopping first by the barkeeper and pay the drinks. This whole fighting destroys the atmosphere and is totaly out of proprotion.
That's why chivalry and good manners in general are dead. If everything you do as a man is deemed hostile and toxic despite only good intentions you just stop doing it. No surprise more and more men go their own way.
Like she said, her impressions is of the unique south area. America is intentionally divided into states were mentality projects the labor force (i.e. slavery.)
Hayley, honestly, thank you so much for this video, I have to see it again! I am one of these independent European women, trying to find, let's say, my way of what woman I want to be... Being born and raised in the Czech Republic, in a family that never really embraced "typically feminine" things and values, I come from a different starting point that you do but it has its advantages and disadvantages as well. I appreciate this video so much! :)
I noticed how different gender roles between US and Germany are, when I started dating American men. However what struck me the most was, that I got weird reactions from them about me having a condom on me. I just don’t want to depend on any guy having safe sex, but they all saw that very differently.
I'm a german women and i really liked your video and its soo interesting for me to hear how your experience are here in Germany. Thank you for sharing 🤗💝
Hayley, thank you so much for sharing this. I've been watching your videos for years now (as a native English speaker (UK) who dates an Austrian man and has learnt German) but never commented before now. I'm so glad you had this positive experience and that being out of your comfort zone made you change the way you viewed what it means to be a woman. Thank you so much for sharing it. In particular it must have been a real process to shift from a very traditional, religious mindset that you grew up in. And of course it's okay to keep enjoying doing your nails or wearing pink - just as long as you are also comfortable being yourself, not always putting on a show or trying to please everyone around you all the time! I spent one year studying in France when I was 22 , that is where I met my boyfriend , and I also made friends there with so many people from Germany, Brazil, and all over the world. That experience really shaped me as a woman, because I was so inspired by the women I met who were not afraid to speak their mind. My relationship before then involved me not feeling confident often to call my partner out on things - cause I just wanted to be nice. All that changed when I went to France and met my current boyfriend, and we have a very open and honest equal relationship because of it! Thank you again and keep being as strong and as unapologetically honest about your experiences as you are!
Thank you for sharing this. I feel oddly proud of you that you evolved into somebody confident and that you are aware of what you like, dislike, want out of life and what not. Be exactly the person you want to be.
Don't blame yourself so much, you got an opportunity and you used them, that's something a lot of people wouldn't do. The hardest fight is the one against yourself. It has definitely an impact where you are grown up and now you changed, travelling, living abroad is something i recommend to a lot of people to open your eyes. It's was long fight for woman's in Germany to that point and it is still a fight to get more. Today i say a documentary about Rosa Luxemburg, a very interesting woman, she was ahead of her time and for my mind she is it still. A very interesting video, very honest, well done!
I will forever be so thankful for the opportunity that I had- to be able to live in Germany. It has helped me in so many different ways. It has allowed me to be critical of myself, my country, and my surroundings... Germany and the USA tend to have a very similar timeframe when it comes to women's rights and it's just interesting to see which country has essentially done more with the same abilities/resources as the next.
Oh the journey is not over at all and I will be making my way back to Germany hopefully when all this corona sh*t clears up :) I made a goal to get permanent residency in Germany and I will 100000% achieve my goal!
Omg this is gold. Du bist so reflektiert und du gibst Fehler/Irrtümer zu! Wow! Ich find's heftig, wie unterschiedlich das in southern america läuft....
I found this extremely interesting. I grew up in Germany, France, and the US and when I was around 25, I finally figured out that I really liked being a 'German' woman, but it took me some time! As a woman, I never felt at home in LA - all that plastic surgery, the way you're supposed to look and behave when you go out, all the superficiality and the stupid small talk... Plus not to forget the absolutely horrible, prudish take on sexuality.
California is not prude compares to Texans. So whats prude? Being with one person. Dating one person at a time? So the orgy stereotype is true? Majority of Germans are polyamorous?
@@charlievetta1385 bunch of prejudices coming from someone who’s probably never traveled farther than the state border. Americans are usually much more prudish than Europeans, in Texas much more so than in California, but that has nothing to do with all the negative things you mention.
I got weird reactions from American men about me having a condom on me. I don’t want to depend on any guy having safe sex, but they all saw that very differently. Here in Germany it’s no big deal for either side, it’s the responsible thing to do.
Native New Yorker here 😊 it’s so interesting to listen about how you grew up. Religion (Catholicism) would never be talked about in a New York public school. The US is regionally so different and it shows. Great video Hayley! 💕
Thank You ... very interesting! What we Germans often lack though is the humility to change for the better which you so wonderfully express. I have learned several ship loads of positives from my wife who is American.
German society did change dramatically between about the 1950s and 1970s. A lot of the attitudes you describe were pretty widespread here as well before women's liberation. Women even needed their husband's legal permission if they wanted to get a job.
I can definitely relate to being told to look a certain way growing up in the South but my experience was a bit different. I grew up in a Christian household in South Carolina but I was always encouraged to be independent, never to rely on anyone for anything and go after what I want ...my friends and classmates were the same way. There are definitely differences in upbringing across cities and towns across the US. I honestly didn't even learn how to cook until I moved to Chicago for grad school because I never wanted to fall into society's standards of gender roles. When I travel abroad and when I meet people from other cultures in the US, their opinion of American women is usually that we are independent, demanding, and opinionated ....I think that most people think that of Americans in general (at least in my opinion). So, I've honestly never viewed American women as being meek and humble compared to women of other cultures. It was good to hear your perspective and experience to get that insight.
Funny I should see this today. I am a southerner who lives in Germany, too… and I totally agree that people back home don’t understand that the American way isn’t the only or best way. I never expected to live in Germany, but I am so grateful I have had the opportunity. Thanks for this.
I don't get why so many men seem to want simpering dolls for girlfriends / partners. A real man shouldn't feel 'emasculated' by a strong woman. What's it say about your masculinity if you need women to be weak and silly in order to feel 'like a man'. I want an equal partner I can respect not some airhead bimbo PS German guy here, for the record
I am from the Netherlands and I like women to be their true selves and speak their mind. Even if they are not confident, to just be honest and open about it. As we are all only human and should not expect any perfection from ourselves or each other.
Long long time ago I went to a private English language School. We had a teacher from Chicago, ex marine. Suddenly he was gone. I asked one of the other teachers (Scottish), he said: he left Germany, he couldn't handle his German wife
Wow! This is a very insightful message. Keep up the good work Haley. I've only been in Germany for about 7 months and in some way my personality has changed.❣
If the world were not expecting the United States to find a solution to all its problems maybe it wouldn’t feel that way. Because the United States spends so much money defending Europe it prevents us here from having so many of the things Europeans take for granted.
January’s Son Ha ha ha, like anyone is looking to the US for solutions to racism, police violence, poverty, unemployment, Covid-19, gender inequality or anything else. You are funny
Wow, Hailey, I think this is your best video yet, such an interesting subject. I’m from the Netherlands and like to believe we have a lot in common with Germany. Even though we’ve come from far we still have a long way to go as it comes to women equality. I’m so grateful that I grew up believing a woman can do any profession a man can do and to be independent. I ended up carrying out a technical profession and yes this is still a male working environment, I definitely see progression. Also wanted to state that you can be strong and independent while being a girly girl. Thank you so much for this perspective and I hope you get to inspire the woman and men in your community.
I expected an assaulting Video and I got a brilliant and reflected opinion on the differences between the cultures! Thank you a lot, this video was truly empowering!
Mind-blown! This was SO worth it! Thank you so much for addressing this. Coming from the same upbringing as you did, this validated all my experiences as well. I totally relate to you and I‘m so grateful that my eyes are opened eversince I moved here. „Masculinity in Women“ is referred to as toxic, but it’s not that entirely. Being a Pushover IS TOXIC. It brings resentment. You can be feminine and know what you want , express well what you want and gain respect. Moving to Germany taught me all this. It was definitely a struggle to understand it at first, and I went through a lot of challenges myself, but I‘m happy realizing now, how it molded me and reshaped my understanding of a how a Modern Woman in today’s society should be. Immer weiter!!
It is incredibly common in USA to call a man (particularly when they're a supervisor) "assertive" and "strong", while describing a woman with the same attributes as "demanding" and "stubborn". That's how you treated your boss lady in Germany when you first got there. You wouldn't have thought twice about a man acting that way.
I absolutely see what you are saying. I am German and recently spent six month in Portugal. Seeing the culture difference really thought a lot about myself and who I want to be and who I don't want to be. We can learn so much from the people that are not like us. I read in the description you wrote that you don't want this video to be related to feminism. I can absolutely see that and agree. I don't like these terms and don't want to associate with them. Instead I think it is more powerful to just live your life and set an example. And you are doing that, this it what inspires others.
Most interesting video I've seen this week. When I moved the the US all the women around me were horrified by who I am and tried to make me a proper female by buying me girly clothes and teaching me how to do american make-up. Surprisingly I never had problems with dating. I guess none of the guys dared to tell me I am not girly enough...
The more likely scenario is that the guys didn't say anything because they were fine with you as you were. It sounds like some jealousy among the women you were around.
This is so interesting. I'm 20 now (from Germany) and two years ago I was an au pair in Collier County (Naples). So I kinda see where you are coming from escpially about the church stuff. That was all very weird and new to me when I started making friends (which actually all went to FBA, so a lot of church). I love your videos so much since I know a little bit of both sides. But they also give me some more understanding about both sides. Sometimes you are like "this is so German" and I think oh yeah it is. But for me it's so normal, I didn't know it's German. I thought everybody does it. Anyway thanks for your fun videos and the strong women you became!
I got told a lot that I speak my mind and that it's so weird that I have such strong opinions and say most things loud that come to my mind. They say it's so German. I think they actually enjoyed it sometimes🤷🏼♀️😂 now I miss my American peeps😅❤️
I have spent a lot of time in Naples and all I can say is congratulations for sticking through. I love Naples but it is a totally different planet once you get pass the Bonita Springs city sign... you have entered rich people territory
This is very interesting because I also grew up in the southeast region of the United States ("The Bible Belt", so to speak). It's interesting that we had such vastly different experiences. I wouldn't say this is the norm for this region, but i will say depending on how rural of an area you are i suppose that is possible. Where I grew up, lots of women (including myself) were very tomboyish, and women were proud of being tough, and playing in the mud and rough housing like the boys, etc. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's always fascinating to have a new perspective! It just goes to show how different everyone's life experiences are 😊
I fit in when I was in Germany. The area I live in, in Pennsylvania, a lot of women aren't girly. We're country and tom boy. In the U.S, we are brought up with the men paying for us, while on a date. I always did feel uncomfortable with guys paying for me on a date.
Am I right in assuming it has to do with the grade of religiousness in a region? What do you think. Baucause there are some very religious states and areas in the US (but not all of it). This does not exist in most of (Western-)Europe.
This is great. I was watching your videos sometimes for fun, probably because of their lighthearted character (which sometimes lacks with us "middle-Europeans"), but as a man I love seeing women emancipating. Especially now that my little sisters are on the brink of adulthood. Hau rein Hayley!
I love your self reflection. Although I think a lot of women also find comfort in traditional roles, let the guy take charge can also make them feel safe... it must have been so interesting (and difficult) to step out of this mindset and question these things... I think we women must ask "but why, though?" More often...
I think this video was perfectly executed girl! You addressed so many nuances from the perception of strong women, the effects of growing up in the south as a woman, dating AND the more progressive views of strong women across cultures. So goood, cheers to all the strong and stronger women out there 🍾
I wish to convey my deepest respect for this video. The journey that you narrated, showing your initial mindset and the learning experience that you went through, is a fascinating example of someone who was willing to don someone else's shoes and walk a mile or ten in them. Without being too facetious I have always felt that while US culture at least purports to instill a "be what you want to be" attitude, this is mainly for the males. it instills a crab bucket attitude in the women, a "don't get above your station and prevent others to buck the norms that constrain me" type mindset. It is interesting to scan US TV series for this, especially "family shows", high school drama, "suburbia settings" and reality TV. Most of these contain a plethora of tropes and underlying assumptions that support your assertions to a t. I think the expectations for girls are pithily summarised in Marina and the Diamonds'"Seventeen": Seventeen / Marina I used to kill myself in this dress Is supposed to be I used to kid myself in distress Makes lot more sense speaking of princesses Used to be a major scale But the melody went stale Musical cacophony let Insy winsy spider free You're a rich little boy Who's had to work for his toys You've got all the sensibilities, oh Of an upper class guy No, no I'm not your little slave No I don't twist and turn that way Only got bad things to say You're always asking what is up, up with me Could never tell you what happened The day I turned seventeen The rise of a king and the fall of a queen Oh seventeen Seventeen Oh, you were embarrassed of me 'Cause I used my tongue freely Bet you wish I couldn't speak 'Cause when I do, you know I tell you why you appear weak You want a hassle free life? Go get your upper class wife She's got all the personality, oh Of a lemon that has been Truly sucked dry You teach me how to behave I felt you question the way I was brought up as a baby Well you don't know fuck about my family Could never tell you what happened The day I turned seventeen The rise of a king and the fall of a queen Oh seventeen (seventeen) Oh seventeen Oh seventeen The rise of the king and the fall of a queen Oh seventeen Never felt like a princess I used to kid myself in distress That it was just how things Were meant to be Oh seventeen Seventeen
Hi Hayley, thank you for giving your insight on and making me more understandable of this specific aspect of American upbringing in the more southern States of the US. Never knew about this. As a male, this is rarely ever pointed out to me. Take care, E.
I believe my decade was the slow end of such an upbringing... Of course there are people still being raised like I was BUT not to the same extent. I believe the 90's-2000's was the turn of society in the USA...Where so many people started changing their views.. I think the internet started booming, information started being transferred/communicated quicker so people were able to be more informed at a faster rate.
Hayley, I've really appreciated your insights about being a woman in the US and in Germany... but when you say you would go as far as to say this is a general trait of "European" women I think you're going a bit too far. I've lived in Germany and the UK and I could see how different women from my country, Italy, generally are from those in Northern Europe. I cannot say we aren't independent, but we're different. Our culture is different: to us being well put together and extremely friendly/outgoing is generally quite important. Not for all, but for many. If you're interested you can watch a video about women in Milan, my city, by a fellow American young woman, Tia Taylor. She's from Connetticut and her depiction of an "American" woman is quite different from yours. I suppose being a woman from Connetticut is as different from being a woman from Florida as being a German woman differs from being an Italian woman. But l might be wrong!
When I think of UK women, I think of fake tan, fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, etc. I don't think that about any other European woman which has a more natural, body positive and healthy stereotype
youre so strong! I'm happy that you use your platform to show how your views have changed and what experiences youve made. i love how you spread the kind of messagge saying you can like flowers and makeup but still be emancipated
Very, very interesting video Hayley. Love to hear this perspective. It reinforces something i am saying for quite a while now. So feminism, gender roles and so on are an ongoing topic of controversial discussions, both in the US and Germany. And while i am definitely not one of those Anti-Feminists, i feel like sometimes the german discourse is adapting the american discourse a little too much and calling out problems that we don't have, atleast not to öthe same extend. Even most of the modern german feminist/gender language uses english terms (starting with "Gender Studies" which is rarely translated). German feminism and gender studies definitly has its place and we definitly have a bunch of issues concerning gender roles and equality too, however i think it is not right to just project the american discourse one for one onto germany. You might actually create more problems than you solve that way. Generally by fighting issues you have to call them out and somewhat reproduce them. You don't want to do that with problems, that we currently don't really have. So i believe, and as i said your video strongly reinforces that belief, that we have to carefully dissect what we can adopt from the american feminist discourse and what we can not.
Oh man... Kind of sad to hear that. Even more exciting that you have changed your own mindset in a positive way. I'm glad you're now appreciate the strength of women and of yourself! We are much more than just a biological women. We are beautiful and lovable for our internally and externally qualities the good and the bad ones. No more, no less than all the men and other beautiful people in the world. Happy to see that you are more satisfied and more of what you can be if you're just you and not what gender rules and upbringing have made of you and your mindset. Love you ❤️😘💕
Church in the US is a community meeting place since American culture is all about "Me, myself and I", church is that place where you can socialize and meet other people while feeling accepted. You are absolutely right about girls being treated badly, but it is different in northern states. Gender issues bring another extreme - when girls get to high level manager positions they feel the need to overcompensate for their gender. Every female manager I had in the US was absolutely horrible precisely because we have such a bad gender imbalance in the society.
I hate how people (even some people in the comments) think that being independent as a woman means being „masculine“ or anything. That’s so stupid. I‘m a German woman and I love wearing really girly stuff and being all feminine, at the same time I can speak for myself and make decisions for myself.
@@zaheer74ful I got top comments quite a lot over the past years, sometimes that’s a reason for people to subscribe to you but I honestly don’t know why I got so many subscribers🤷🏼♀️
Oh, this is really interesting. It never occured to me how deep the upbringing and expectations when it comes to dating go. It explains a not (not just about you but also about culture differences as well) Thank you very much!
The difference is mainly due to the wars, especially the second worldwar. Unlike how some wannabes try to proclaim it being turks who built up Germany, it wasn't (they came mostly in the 60s when it was already rebuilt and we didn't have enough men to deal with the growing demand). It were women who built the country back up since most adult men were simply dead. Thus it has a very different mindset and way of raising. Funnily enough you never hear that from the people claiming they advocate for womens rights. The stories from my grandparents and great-grandparents are way beyond what those spoiled brats nowadays can even imagine, let alone fight through. Unfortunately it also resulted in plenty of women being unable to channel their feminine side to the extent they want to.
I've been stumbling upon your videos for years now, but I never thought of them as interesting enough for me to stick around, let alone leave a comment. But after this one, I simply had to write something-I hope you see it. A lot of people don't get how difficult it is to struggle with your own upbringing and how painful it can be to question your beliefs basically to destruction. Because most people have never been forced by circumstances to take a good look at themselves. Being open about your struggle makes the video uniquely interesting, and not just because of your sincerity-you can be sincere about banalities, wasting others' time and attention-no, it was gripping because your take on the issue was full of understanding and compassion. I loved it and I hope you don't stop here; I hope you keep questioning and doubting, not just American lifestyle and societal norms, but German as well. As many have pointed out in the comments, there're still gaping disparities between genders in Germany and it would be a great benefit to everyone if there were more voices out here on TH-cam contributing to the discussion with personal experience and a unique perspective. And before I'm done, since you mentioned that you haven't had enough information on women's issues growing up, I thought I'd recommend a book that might blow you mind. It's called Caliban and the Witch. Stay healthy and good luck on your journey ;-)
I’m so happy for you that you found yourself and your true self-worth ❤️ I was raised myself in a very misogynistic muslim community so I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. Stay strong and assertive ❤️
Don't you find it how two areas of the world US vs middle east have so much commonality? It was meant to control the world domesticly and internationally.
Hayley, I admire your guts and observation skills. I appreciate all your videos - when you're glad and when you're sad. A true human being. Keep up the good work! (Finn/Denmark)
This is funny as a german girl I had the complete opposite experience. Being girly was always made fun of in my household as something silly and dumb. I didnt get the confidence to buy cutesy clothes till I did an exchange year to Japan. And bless japanese underwear store employees for being the sweetest people ever and help me buy something different then a plain black or white bra ^^
Dear Hayley, your channel was just suggested to me and this particular video is en excellent. Heading to watch some more. I am so happy for your change. Congratulations and all the best.
Great video! Actually germany wasn't always like that. A lot of girls are still raised in a similar manner as you described it, however you find that most bigger cities needed to adapt as everything got more expensive and it became harder for one person to earn enough to provide for a family. These days everybody can't just work they absolutely have to. So, allthough it opens loads of opportunities, it also gave us some new issues. For example how do I raise my child with having no parents around. At the moment they are given to day care at a very young age (some just 6 months old). This will put a lot of pressure on our country as children don't have their parents long enough to feel safe in this world. And suicide amongst children and teenagers has risen for a while now. So there is still a long way to go in terms of how we should be.
What a great video! I really appreciate how open and to the point you are about the changes that you and others see in yourself. I think it says a lot about a person when they are able to reflect on themselves like that. And obviously topics like this are always super interesting for people who haven't made the experience of living in a different culture (yet).
What a cool video! It’s really cool to see the way that you have reflected and were willing to confront aspects of yourself that you wanted to change. I feel like this type of video is indicative of the changes you have made: taking ownership of past weaknesses, etc. is hard!! Hearing about your upbringing makes me thankful to have grown up in a progressive environment in NY - moving to a big city in Germany felt like I was moving to a much more conservative culture and I feel like many New Yorkers don’t have a lot of the qualities that Germans expect from Americans. I do feel like the south is a different world sometimes though - I had more culture shocks from South Carolina than from Germany and Austria!
You have not really changed - you have developed yourself. Not many ones have the courage to leave their comfort zone. All the best for you and your partner!
First off, props for being so authentic and showing your vulnerability. That takes so much strength. I am also an American in Germany. You're also pretty funny. My first thoughts were "hey girl heey, let's do a video call!" I live in Hessen, so a different region than you, and I'm originally from Kansas, so our background is also a bit different, but we still have a unique perspective and videos like this make me want to do more videos in this vein.
You are describing my experience exactly, i live here in Stuttgart since 5 years now , and i really hated in the beginning that boys here expecting me to make all decisions and have my own opinion and this is not how i was raised! I am taking a break now from all frogs and working on my assertive personality 🙂
I love this video, Hayley! Probably the most fascinating one you've ever made. Hearing about girly-girl stereotypes, I've often wondered, 'what are these people thinking!?', but this was my first time hearing what it's actually like and what my own culture looks like to someone who's internalised the girly-girl ethic. And I'm Dutch, but I think Germany and Scandinavia are very similar in this. Not sure about all of Europe, though: I hear reports that are very similar to yours coming out of Italy, for instance...
Let me start off by saying that this video is not meant to offend anyone (as always 😐) but I know a lot of people will be offended... I get told constantly by my family and friends that I have this new air about me since living in Germany, whether it be how I present myself, the "attitude" I have towards small talk, or the confidence I possess.... I constantly get told that I have changed (in most way positively) and that it is nice to see that I am becoming a mature woman.
This video is NOT about feminism which I feel I will receive a bunch of comments regarding that topic. I am not a person that likes to group everything under an umbrella term and call it a day. I like explaining my personal experiences and my personal growth and making that my own personal story. I have realized that opposing views/ways of life are so very important in the world and molding people into fine citizens. Granted I am not perfect nor is Germany or the USA BUT I am so very lucky that I have been able to experience & pick and choose which characteristics I want to identify with. 😘👍
....sucks to be offended by a picture... Good luck with life.
@@strawbrrypine You clearly didnt watch the Video... She changed her mind about this
In my experience everybody is more mature after staying in another culture for an extended amount of time. Usually that is the first possibility for you to look at your native environment from the outside. That way you see things you did not see before.
Haylay, I grew up in a tiny village in the north of Germany. One of my best friend was the son of our local Pastor. I guess I have a very different idea about Christianity.
We don't get lectured about what is the right believe, we simply live it and that doesn't mean we have to go to church.
As for being a glitter girl. Nice thought. I hardly see that in California.
I dated a guy in Germany whose father was a pastor... and the family had the same views as my old town in Florida... at first I enjoyed the "home" feeling that they gave me... He paid for my meals, he opened the door, and did all these "kind" gestures BUT I remember his mother telling me that I would need to learn how to cook and clean if I wanted to be his wife... and he agreed with her...I ran soooo far away from that relationship and never looked back.
Do you know the film "3 Haselnüsse für Aschenbröddel" (3 wishes for Cinderella)? It's one of the most popular fairytale films in Germany. It's from the 70ies. The huge difference to the US films about Cinderella, how strong she was. She didn't care about the Prince ' status, she could ride a horse as well as he could, she was a better markswoman. And when she meet him so dressed up like a princess, he told her, he found his bride. Just to be told : you forgot to ask, if she wants to be your bride. And he had to get a riddle right first, one he should have gotten right, if he knew her.
German women grew up with this Cinderella, a strong woman, far from helpless, even being in a dire situation.
My absolute favorite childhood movie!!! I still watch it as a "Christmas tradition" but to be honest that's just an excuse to watch it at all 😜 and you perfectly summed it up. She's independent and rather not have the prince if he just wanted a pretty 'princess' instead of a fearless and strong life partner and not be ashamed of her upbringing (a maid)..
I only noticed when I read this, I love that movie and watch it so often!!! Thank you!!!
But don't forget that film was a GDR-made film!!! Films from BRD (Western Germany) pretty much followed the "wifey"pattern.
Krakra Kranich to be specific its a GDR / CSSR production.
I agree but I also think that many people in Germany grew up with "Aschenputtel" which is much more similar to Cinderella
Respekt! Sich so sehr zu reflektieren und zu ändern, im Erwachsenenalter, das ist schon stark!!!
So true! I`m from Detroit, and I`ve been living in Germany since 2003, and the differences are so huge. Also raised a Christian...still recovering.
I have to say that it is a very difficult topic because I actually enjoy having a certain belief BUT I dislike when I feel conflicted by the "teachings" of certain people in power.
In the USA we are taught to have freedom of belief and that is a good thing BUT so many false interpretations of a certain belief that lead people to believe that certain groups are inferior...
@@HayleyAlexis that is the problem with religions, all religions: They tend to create a 'them & us' situation and are therefore on the whole a force of division when we desperately need to unite.
@@gustavmeyrink_2.0 that´s not "the problem" with religions that´s the purpose of religions = controlling society and shaping people in order to controll society... ever was and ever will be.
@@michaelgrabner8977 there is at least one shining exception: Sikhism.
They are not allowed to proselytize or treat non-members different in any way. Everybody is welcome to their temples where they serve food (you do have to show respect by covering your head though). The food is vegetarian not because they are (they're not) but to avoid them&us situations because where they originate from there are many hindus who are vegetarian and muslims who have to eat halal meat, The food is donated by the congregation according to their ability and the richest members have to serve it to remind them that they were luckier than others.
The thing that I can´t understand is that Muslims, Jews and Christians believe in the same god so why is it impossible to coexist in peace?
Buddhists, Hindi etc seem to be much more tollerant.
This is interesting. My experience as a woman living and dating in the US has been frustrating. Time and time again, I have been told that I was too independent and this is a turn off for men. Maybe I should have been born in Germany?
Maybe not born but you would fit in a little better :) You will find a man in the USA that enjoys your "independent" nature!!
@@j.j.3759: the American Women I met were all from near big Cities or from inside... And all are "old Hippie-Flowers" or...Musicians, Artists or something like this....travelling around the Earth like me!
Very independent! 😉😊👍🍀
So I think that I don't met "normal" US-Women, I met mostly very independent, tough Women like myself... OMG, thanks for! 😍🍀👍
But one time I had some Visitors in my House, HE was the Cousin of my Life-Partner, he comes with his Wife and little Son (such a cute little Boy 😍💞).
Both were in the US-Army, but she was "one Step higher" than he was, because of his Diabetic Disease....
She had really "Hair on her Teeth", if you understand this German meaning... 😉😏😠💪😡😝
I don't know if the Ethnic's makes a Difference... They are Afro-Americans, and my Boyfriend at this time means, this were a typical Afro-American Woman from the US-Army, they would be all so strong and straight and really hard to their Men as she are....
I don't know....but she was a Beast! 😬😱😣😲
I have a total different "Style" to use a nice Behavior to my Man, or another more respectful way to treat him....I don't know to explain! 😢😩
Or you find an European man for you in the U.S. we are here everywhere...
Ahaha I feel you. I am from Canada and men seems very divided on the matter, half of them seem to praise independence and a hardworking attitude a lot whilst the other half will shame you (sometimes very openly) because you are confident, demanding and you aren’t here to be some sort of patriarchy trophy to some man, it’s quite weird.
good thing about europe is it‘s great vor immigration and integration. you might have been born in the us but you don‘t have to die there
This. So much. I felt so displaced living in the US as a German woman with an extremely independent mother as a role model (even in German standards). Dating was a nightmare as well with guys wanting to go out with mmediately and paying when I did not feel comfortable with it at all.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ traveling and living abroad truly is a life changing experience. Mainly because it changes your mindset on things and because you discover/understand yourself in a way you probably never would have at home.
Being German means you implement things thoroughly (Abfalltrennung) after having taken a long time to get it. The same for women, they over do it with feminism, at least in the 80's and 90's, when the first wave of divorces came after new divorce laws gave them half of the husband's pension.
@@KJ-md2wj so what you're saying is that now they are doing it right in Germany? 😄
Also love the comparison of feminism and Abfalltrennung... Very appropriate... 👌👌👎
i would better experience living in the US as a woman...
I am curious...did you adjust, or did you stick to your guns?
@@swanpride I tried to adapt a little in terms of how I communicated my opinion but I only lived there for half a year so I can't say I changed much. Granted, I lived in hipster/feminist Portland, OR while working in a conservative company. I basically danced around the different opinions every day
Do an Interview with Friends/Parents and ask them how you changed since Germany
I can do that :) My mother will be more thanhappy to make such a video!
Yes. More Lisa!
@@jamillx I miss Lisa too :( She will hopefully be coming over sooner or later!!
@@herzschlagerhoht5637 you answered the question yourself!
👍
I’m from the East coast and recently studied in Germany for six months and wow, could not have said it better myself! I was so confused by how women carried themselves at first, how men didn’t dote on the women they were with, and then a few months in all the sudden, it all clicked and I completely understood the dynamics and how wrong I had been looking at things all along! Such a weird culture shock that was so unexpected
" ...how men didn’t dote on the women they were with... " what does that mean?
@@krollpeter didnt understand as well... www.deepl.com/translator#en/de/how%20men%20didn't%20dote%20on%20the%20women%20they%20were%20with
coudln't figure out what "dote" was supposed to mean.
@@krollpeter basically to give someone a lot of love and attention
I would not like to be doted by men. It would be weird. Tbh, anybody can fate how they want. But generally, i am not a princess, i am me.
@@journeybacktoperfect6410 thanks!
As a man, not, don't do that. She'll shun you.
There is nothing wrong with liking pink or dressing up, as long as you like to do it, without anybody demanding it.
Yeah :) I really enjoy these things BUT like i stated in the video... I don't know if I would have liked them had they not been shoved down my throat as a child.
I will never NOT love pink but it's just interesting to think of the WHAT-IFs...
well, but you then have to put up with being judged along these criteria as a natural consequence of the image you are giving. just a tiny example of what I mean by this: heavily made up: ok, she will take for ever in the bathroom before she gets going in the morning - *every* morning, and do I really want to eat all this crap whenever I kiss her? perfect long finger nails: she wont do any physical work, so in a relationship, the household chores will all be mine. top brand clothing: she will expect me to pay for all of those meters and meters of wardrobe of "nothing to wear". etc. do I really want to work like a mule just to support all this?! or wouldn´t I prefer a woman who looks like she will *give and take* 50% of whatever comes along in a relationship=partnership?
@@peterkoller3761 honestly I wouldn't want a guy that judges me badly because I take care of myself 🤷♀️
@@FiveOClockTea taking care of yourself means the same as in a guy taking care of himself: hygiene. make up is unhygienic (ask your dermatologist!), therefore, the opposite, weirdly expensive (luxury brand) clothing has nothing to do with taking care of oneself, either, it is just the wrong financial priorities unless you have unlimited funding etc.
@@HayleyAlexis so I grew up in a very religious baptist environment in Germany. (Yes we have those, too) But the girls and women there weren't told to dress up and make themselves look as beautiful as possible. They should behave and dress modestly as to not constantly arouse the men around them, or some silly reason like that. Many of us teens left the church because we had enough (and perhaps because it was easier because the rest of the society wasn't that backwards) When I later visited an old friend wo moved out of her father's home (he was the pastor) into a WG, I expected to see the strong independent woman that she became match her personality e.g. with a minimalistic interior design.
I was wrong.
Her bedroom was completely pink. It looked like a fairy tale princess' bedroom. She was still assertive and knew what she wanted. But in her first room away from her parents, what she wanted was a pink bedroom in order to feel like a princess. All I'm saying is you don't have to dress or do your make up a certain way to be strong and independent. It's the other way round. And maybe certain things you like only because of your upbringing, as long as you like them, do them. If not anymore, feel free to change. Even daily, if what you like changes back and forth.
Your personal development is remarkable. I think it is really hard, to become aware of the values that are ingrained in our subconsciousness since our childhood and to reevaluate them and overcome the ones that don't seem fitting anymore. To be able to do this, you have to be attentive and openminded, it is difficult to get over the judgemental and defensive phase. I guess you were a strong woman from the start, your upbringing just didn't put a spotlight on that.
A long time ago I spent a year in the US as an exchange student. I had such a hard time to make friends because in Germany I was used to have female and male friends. I was very confused about boys thinking they could make a pass at me simply because we met to go to a cinema. I felt that boys and girls were seen as separate worlds. That was my culture shock.
I’m Canadian in Germany. I’d say I’ve always had male friends, people would always think something romantic is going on, but of course that’s not always the case. I’ve noticed in Germany many people have friends of the opposite gender and it’s not a problem. I have plenty of male friends and my ex-German boyfriend was always so jealous 😬 guess it depends on the person.
@@taryndancer29 Hey! I was also born in Canada, but I've lived in Germany since my fourth birthday. Which part of Germany do you live in?
@@undyingsoul3949 NRW!
this is probably the most interesting, deepest report I've seen here on TH-cam. Thank you for your personal views and insight into your life. Regards from Hamburg / Germany
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dies ist ja wohl der interessante, tiefgründigste Bericht den ich hier auf TH-cam gesehen habe. Danke für deine persönlichen Ansichten und den Einblick in dein Leben. Regards from Hamburg / Germany
Hi Hayley ! I am also a US born woman (from Philly/NYC) and have lived in DE more than 2 decades (after living in Canada for 10+ years). I'm an artist working in Theater, so my world is probably different than many foreigners here. I agree with your observations.....and have experienced much of the same. I also have much better female friends here in Germany, there's much more depth to everyone. For me, I've learned from working all over the world that it's helpful to realize there are different rights and wrongs in every country/culture; ie; behaviours, etc. and we just keep learning and adapting. I am so grateful to be here!
I was raised in a religion that taught that women were to defer to their husbands and that he had the final say in everything, we were taught that men came before women, they get served first and that women are the home makers and moms and even if we work outside the home, kids, dinner, housework e.t.c is still our responsibility. My first husband was abusive and in the same religion....I have this amazing friend who inserted a backbone and needless to say we are no longer married. I'm not in that religion anymore and my husband that I've been married to for 13 years treats me amazing and our relationship is very equal. I look at the difference of who I am now compares to then and it's unreal. We grow, change and more importantly, we grow up ❤
Yes!! Certain things like "Get your boyfriend a plate of food before yourself".... and sometimes I wanted to say "is my boyfriend armless?". If I would have said that I probably would have gotten kicked out of the damn city LOL
I am so glad you found an amazing husband!!! I think one of the best things in life is to find someone that respects you, loves you, and treats you how they want to be treated
That's exactly the point. Before the marriage you are treated like a princess after like a maid. I like to be treaten like a buddy all the time, so I don't rely on a guy how good or bad my life will be.
You ought to be submissive to your man. Yes! Just not in this extreme form. In a way that also makes you happy. You are the happiest when you serve your man and he highly appreciates it.
"This is how you präsentier dich, Gertrud?" :D :D Thank you so much, I laughed so hard. - Gertrud ist so ein typischer alter deutscher Name :D
I honestly didn't know how to spell it. I constantly heard this name because a lady I worked for had a mother named Gertrud... and she would constantly tell me... to not eat so much because fett sein ist nicht süss... Now here I am... Gertrud would be sooooo upset with my wampe 😅😆
Gertrud is a name that was common in Sweden waay back in the day too 😂 But nowadays it's usually used to mock people 😁
And the intonation war perfect!
Hayley Alexis 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
@@herzschlagerhoht5637 Ok.
I was raised by a Southern man and Midwestern woman in California. I heard a lot of the "be pretty" stuff but completely rebelled and I was very independent as well as a tomboy. I'm 30 now and that has not changed. The great thing my dad taught me was to be independent even though it went against his understanding of what women were/are supposed to be. However, when I became a teen, both of my parents really got on me hard about appearance. I'm glad that I never caved and I'm not teaching my daughter to have the weird sense of gender specific inferiority or entitlement.
Go you! That must have been tough.
OMG, I really can relate to this video. Coming from a South East Asia country, women were taught to be a barbie type and of course expect men to pay the bills, and I had my struggle when I moved to Germany. Anyway the gag was when my partner (a German guy) and I - as an Asian looking woman - had vacation in a Middle East country, where they also view paying bills is a male's job. We were at a restaurant, the waiter came to us, he told my partner how much our bill was, my partner pointed to me, I took my wallet and paid, and I will never forget the waiter's reaction who was in total shock :)))
Maybe the waiter thought I was the submissive one (another stereotype of Asian woman), but in fact I am the one who's better with our cash flow, so I got the responsible for it. However, I am still enjoying my partner calls me princess, cause what he meant is a warrior princess :)))
Thats cute lmao
Pretty German that the woman manages the money comma at least in Baden-Württemberg it's almost the norm stay healthy
I LOL'd so hard at the "this is how you präsentier dich, Gertrrrrud, niemand will dich heirrraten, wenn du so ne Zicke bist, nee nee nee, das geht übäärhaubt nich...".
Loved the total switch to the rolling Bavarian R in mid-sentence. Wow!
hehehehe I wish I did not do it actually... but I can never get rid of it...SO I KEEP IT :D
@@HayleyAlexis I loved this part so much :D
Sie hat recht und sie hört sich sehr süß an wenn sie Deutsch spricht 😊
Wow, definitely one of my very favourite expressive videos of yours. I love to see you being analytic, reflective and maturing at such an early age.
You keep surprising me at a deeper level - please go on like that, it is definitely the right direction and approach you are taking.
Interesting - I was also 23 years, when I came to the USA from Germany - but it is a long time ago.
I moved to Chicago and found very little difference between American and German Women. But
there is a difference between American women in the big northern Cities and in the South.
I now live in Arkansas and see the difference.
Anyway I married my American Woman some 60 years ago and I very happy with her and I feel
she is an other human being equal to me.
This is so interesting. I grew up in New York City and I grew up the complete opposite (like you said). Glad you were able to learn and grow. It's so important to experience different cultures, communities, etc. because we learn so much and adopt new things.
Me as a "Deutsche mit Migrationshintergrund" 😅 (Turkish) makes it proud to hear such an opinion.. But same time I think even here in Germany we are not at the goal of equality of men and women.. Still fighting 💪😎😂 that's the reason why we don't let anybody makes us down..
Sorry about hearing the way women (not only in the US..) are raised up like they would be just like a doll
that is true... Supposedly according to many studies and research..Scandinavian countries are the best when it comes to treating women fairly. The same research (which was a non-profit organization) said that the USA was number 15 on the list of worst countries for women... Which is crazy to see the USA (supposedly a progressive economic powerhouse) to be in the same list as countries like Egypt, Oman, and Saudi Arabia. I am not saying that those countries are horrible but when using an index and how people perceive certain places to be.... it is just crazy that people in the USA don't see these issues...
"...why we don't let anybody makes us down.." - runtermachen?
So well integrated...XD
@@Ashley-lm4nv hahahaha Habs mit meinem Schulenglisch versucht.. 😅🤓🤣
@@HayleyAlexis I saw a calculation when women will be totally eqalized all over the World.. It will take another 240 years from now 🙄
I highly doubt it will happen at all.... for total equality that would mean no greedy people and there will always be people that want to oppress groups to gain something out of it... In some countries it is women, in other countries it's poor people, and in other countries it's black people.... It may be better BUT I highly doubt it will be eliminated...It will just take form as something else.
YAAAASSS!!! I dated a guy from SF (I'm from Frankfurt) and when I visited him and wanted to take care of the check (after he did the two nights before), he almost felt embarrassed or ashamed. Obviously I didn't want to make him feel that way, instead, I wanted to show that I don't take anything for granted (and of course that hell yes, I can pay my own bills haha). When the waiter reacted very oddly, I kinda noticed that this must be a cultural thing ;)
Side note: you didn't just grown because of Germany or the german women or whatever- you did because you self reflected which takes a lot of strength and bravery!! Be so proud of yourself!! And with your confidence and story now, you're a role model for other girls ;)
If a guy doesn't take care of the date expenses here in the USA most women would assume he's cheap and/or poor.
Yes, I'm impressed with that level of self reflection! I got to spend time in China for a while and it really helps you grow to see that things can be done and looked at differently
@@Anon54387 And you don't think the same way about the gal? I mean, she is maybe only dating you for free meals? Or are you entitled to take her home after the the third date?
@@Anon54387 correct. Americans are very shallow people.
You've grown a lot since the beginning of this channel. I do not want to offend you, but in the beginning you gave some kind of american barbie wibe. Now you sound like a grown-up woman instead of a girl. I also know that going to live in another country and culture can be a huge eye opener, because it helps us see the BS of our own culture and the way it has brainwashed and conditioned us.
spot on, morning star! Hayley evolved, to a profound and strong woman, free at last.
I've been following your channel for quite some time now. I think the first of your videos I stumbled across was the one you published after your guest family literally threw you out of their house. Comparing the person in those videos to nowaday's Hayley, I have to say you have grown out of that "princess stereotype" SO MUCH (and in a good way)!
At first I just liked to hear your "outside" perspective on my country (which has always been very interesting and also profound IMHO). However, over the years you also really earned my respect for how you made your way in a foreign country, all on your own and for how you not only mastered the language but also grew into the culture.
I know it probably sounds cheesy, but I'm kind of proud of you! ;-)
Thank you Markus, I think I have a long way to go with learning more about Germany and making it my "official home" BUT I am trying my best and working towards it as much as I possibly can.
A lot of people found me on TH-cam during that time actually... I did not have subscribers BUT people watched my videos. A lot of people have basically watched me grow up over the years.... It is always refreshing to see comments from usernames that I have seen in the past or even comments from people telling me that they remember my past :) I hope you stick around... because I am pretty sure my journey will keep going... Granted you don't have to watch every video but be sure to check back every once in awhile!!
@@HayleyAlexis: You bet I'll stick around and OF COURSE I subscribed! ;-) Best wishes from the Nuremberg area - take care!
Its funny how living in a different culture can help open your eyes to differences in upbringing and even societal norms. I, living in China (East Asia), have the opposite experience lol. I thought how lovely it was to see how girls would dress up, take care of themselves, and yet not be push overs (learn the language and you will know what I mean--these girls are tough and love to look good!). I felt that most Americans and even Europeans didn't take care of themselves as well, often times not considerate of the conversation and the whole mood of expressing feelings. Its different culturally and there isn't a wrong way of expression. I found it interesting to see how our perspectives changed after learning a new language and living in another country. These differences can so easily lead to misunderstandings and broad judgements of one another. I come from a Colombian American background and the women are fierce, but they like to look good and dolled up. We can stand on our own but like to be taken care of as well. My husband, who is Chinese, noticed this--noticed I didn't just want to rely on him, even though he loves to take care of me. I think there is a balance to all of this somewhere, and uniting cultures sometimes helps brings that neat balance. :)
The fact that you specified that China was in east Asia is pretty hilarious LOL
Very well thought balanced view. Things aren't often strictly black and white.
@@ramblingmillennial1560 How so, and I am genuinely curious and learning (maybe the joke went over my head lol)? It is how my husband defined it to me... EDIT: let me be clearer, he explained it that way because other areas are very different culturally.
@@kidaria1333 Appreciate it--I get nervous explaining my thoughts online so thank you!
My mother always said: "Makeup is for prostitutes". Well, the woman my father left her for always wore makeup. And although I know my mother was a bit stubborn, I still don't wear makeup and fancy clothes.
I (as an adult german women) like to be treated as a princess as much as the next girl - but this princess kicks ass and takes names. I often think that many american women have that "damsel in distress" routine as a default position. Most german women are raised to take care of themselves und not to depend on somebody else. I mean, been taken care of is nice - once in a while... But I once hat a boyfriend who did everything the way I wanted. He went: "Yes, Honey ... of course, Darling... whatever you like..." needless to say, that relationship wasn't long-lived. 😉 But I like the idea, that living here in Germany gave you a chance to discover this stronger and more assertive part of you. Thanks for making me smile! 🙂
I agree with your "damsel in distress" view. I, like many others, grew up on Disney movies, for example, and most of the princess movies depict a young woman in need of rescue from her prince. It sends that message to a young mind. Though I'm not a female, this message still reared its ugly head to many young fellas like myself. I used to want some fantastic prince-like man to come "rescue" me and take care of me because I had the mentality that this was love and how it should be in order to be happy. Growing older and becoming more independent taught me this wasn't necessary, and though I still want to be "swept off my feet", it means something different than it meant when I was 25. I'm hoping that more young people (especially little girls) in the US will be taught to kick ass and take names and that they don't need to be rescued - and that young boys will not be taught to look down on girls or that they are superior to girls. I believe it's coming around due to influence in Hollywood changing, but it will still take time.
As a man I have to say that a "princess" is nice and most of the men like the idea of saving this "damsel in distress" BUT for a long term relationship these women are boring.
I grew up around toxic abusive situations with so much hateful sexism therefore I would have appreciated a nice man for a change.
@@taylorandrews2175 lol. As if we German girls watched anything other. That can't be it. We grow up on Disney just like Americans. I think we balance it out in our family life and school. (I had a friend who lived with family in America the first years of her life. She was so used to be treated as a little princess. Trying to "flirt" her way through challenges at 6/7 years old. Took years to get that out of her. 😜 She's now a different person. Kicking ass and independent. Quiet interesting how your whole personality can change if you change the enviroment.)
@@taylorandrews2175 Old disney movies are based on fairytales which are from historic times where women had been weak because it was all about physical strenght in everday life for most (and yes biological built we are weaker as a whole). Being a housewife only had been a sign of wealth that the women had not to do exhausting work. And on the other way around the men had to be strong knights fighting the monsters. Soft non-strong men had and often still are looked down (even here in the comment section from the so strong independent women).
The gender role stress counts for both. Without technical development and how this changed society and working places modern equality would never have been realised. Modern disney movies aren't like that aynmore not even Barbie. And many movies and other parts in the US have the absolute opposite mentality and are kickass raising even more as europe. All the girl power media entertainement is from the USA.
"I still think I'm ignorant about many things"
But we're already a billion times less ignorant by acknowledging that we're all somewhat ignorant. As long as we grow we're doing just fine and being out best selves! We should all grow for a lifetime
One of the most interesting videos I have seen about culture differences so far! I wasn't aware of that at all. And I am glad that you got more independend and won't dictate your life by weird expections of others!
Hayley, one of your main strengths is your ability to be introspective. To be able to look at yourself and honestly say , this is good or this is bad, gives you the ability to improve yourself. Most people just exist, without thinking if their behaviour is god, bad or appropriate. These point wonder why the world gives them a shitty time occasionally. They are clueless. But you have the ability to be self critical or understand why you think or do certain things. This habit of introspection will result in a happy life for you. I wish you success and happiness.
This is such an important video! Growing up in NY in the 70's, schooled in strict Catholic and Episcopalian schools, I was a rebel, a tomboy and just different. I was miserable, misunderstood and depressed. Now at almost 60, I reflect back on this everyday as to why I am who I am and why I feel so disconnected from the US. I'm extremely independent, work in typically male industries, now in high tech, introverted, have few friends and still long to find a place and people that I feel comfortable with.
Wow wow wow 😯
Was so refreshing to watch this! Like people can try hard to relfect on themselves but you won't always find the answer but you did for yourself and you came out and shared this with us. This is so strong and truly inspiring :)
As a Brazilian woman, I can only relate to this video.
German women are very independent, assertive and strong. In Brazil women are raised very differently than here, there's a lot of body shaming and sexism going on so that's why they are so hooked on how they look. Of course this is changing but there's a lot of religious people who cause this strong stigma on them.
In Germany I was really surprised how non "feminine" German women dress themselves and etc. The clothes you wear and the way you look has nothing to do with your femininity and I have learnt this here. Before beauty, there's your character, how you treat yourself and others, the person who you really are. That comes first for them. The rest is just a social construction I guess.
How is that better than to embrace your feminity?
German women are masculine and it's very off putting to men. There's a reason German men are crazy about women from other cultures before their own women.
@@BB-qk8on I don't know what is worse: your English or your mindset. To me it sounds like, you and those kind of men want women to obey and look pretty. Like the old TV add from the 50's said: The only 2 questions a woman should ask herself is "What to wear?" and "What to cook?"
I grew up in Texas and moved to Australia when I was 20, and I can relate to this video SO much. Thanks for sharing!
Yeah a lot of people have similar stories unfortunately... It feels good to get out and experience something DIFFERENT 😆
this is brilliant! I've been in germany for like almost 2 years and you actually pointed exactly at my problem! tysm!!!
So funny, my AMERICAN husband (I’m German) had the hardest time when he had to deal with me not letting him pay all the time when we started dating. He got raised that way. I also told him, he didn’t need to hold the door open for me. Sometimes I regret that hahaha (jk, it‘s faster if I open it myself)
LMAO I remember when I dated a guy in the USA (when I came back from Germany in 2016 I believe) and when the bill came I said "separate". The guy really was upset that I said that and insisted that he pay. I remember a week or so went by and he called me to tell me... It was not going to work out because I made him feel like less of a man for fighting with him to pay the bill.... I don't think I have ever told that story BUT typing it out really made me chuckle.
@@HayleyAlexis 😱 Oh, wow. That sounds like a very fragile male ego. 🤣 It's funny and weird at the same time. 😲
People make a too big deal out of it. Say once you honstly happily pay for yourself - if you want showing how very independent you are add the sentence "because I have my own income"- but if he realley insists let him and say thank you and that's it. It is not such a big deal. And if it is still SUCH a devaluation for you independence pay the next date fully before he can like buying the movie tickets, or going to toilett and when coming back stopping first by the barkeeper and pay the drinks. This whole fighting destroys the atmosphere and is totaly out of proprotion.
That's why chivalry and good manners in general are dead. If everything you do as a man is deemed hostile and toxic despite only good intentions you just stop doing it. No surprise more and more men go their own way.
Like she said, her impressions is of the unique south area. America is intentionally divided into states were mentality projects the labor force (i.e. slavery.)
I just want to say that this is so relatable, you spoke my mind! thanks for sharing this!!
Hayley, honestly, thank you so much for this video, I have to see it again! I am one of these independent European women, trying to find, let's say, my way of what woman I want to be... Being born and raised in the Czech Republic, in a family that never really embraced "typically feminine" things and values, I come from a different starting point that you do but it has its advantages and disadvantages as well. I appreciate this video so much! :)
Hello my beautiful friend how are you doing
I noticed how different gender roles between US and Germany are, when I started dating American men. However what struck me the most was, that I got weird reactions from them about me having a condom on me. I just don’t want to depend on any guy having safe sex, but they all saw that very differently.
I'm a german women and i really liked your video and its soo interesting for me to hear how your experience are here in Germany. Thank you for sharing 🤗💝
Really,how do you like Americans in Germany
Hayley, thank you so much for sharing this. I've been watching your videos for years now (as a native English speaker (UK) who dates an Austrian man and has learnt German) but never commented before now.
I'm so glad you had this positive experience and that being out of your comfort zone made you change the way you viewed what it means to be a woman. Thank you so much for sharing it. In particular it must have been a real process to shift from a very traditional, religious mindset that you grew up in. And of course it's okay to keep enjoying doing your nails or wearing pink - just as long as you are also comfortable being yourself, not always putting on a show or trying to please everyone around you all the time!
I spent one year studying in France when I was 22 , that is where I met my boyfriend , and I also made friends there with so many people from Germany, Brazil, and all over the world. That experience really shaped me as a woman, because I was so inspired by the women I met who were not afraid to speak their mind. My relationship before then involved me not feeling confident often to call my partner out on things - cause I just wanted to be nice. All that changed when I went to France and met my current boyfriend, and we have a very open and honest equal relationship because of it!
Thank you again and keep being as strong and as unapologetically honest about your experiences as you are!
Thank you for sharing this. I feel oddly proud of you that you evolved into somebody confident and that you are aware of what you like, dislike, want out of life and what not. Be exactly the person you want to be.
Don't blame yourself so much, you got an opportunity and you used them, that's something a lot of people wouldn't do.
The hardest fight is the one against yourself.
It has definitely an impact where you are grown up and now you changed, travelling, living abroad is something i recommend to a lot of people to open your eyes.
It's was long fight for woman's in Germany to that point and it is still a fight to get more.
Today i say a documentary about Rosa Luxemburg, a very interesting woman, she was ahead of her time and for my mind she is it still.
A very interesting video, very honest, well done!
I will forever be so thankful for the opportunity that I had- to be able to live in Germany. It has helped me in so many different ways. It has allowed me to be critical of myself, my country, and my surroundings...
Germany and the USA tend to have a very similar timeframe when it comes to women's rights and it's just interesting to see which country has essentially done more with the same abilities/resources as the next.
@@HayleyAlexis your journey is not over, i hope and believe that you and Germany will come together again. Germany needs positive people like you!!
Oh the journey is not over at all and I will be making my way back to Germany hopefully when all this corona sh*t clears up :) I made a goal to get permanent residency in Germany and I will 100000% achieve my goal!
@@HayleyAlexis i wish you of course the best of luck. 🍀🍻
Omg this is gold. Du bist so reflektiert und du gibst Fehler/Irrtümer zu! Wow!
Ich find's heftig, wie unterschiedlich das in southern america läuft....
I found this extremely interesting. I grew up in Germany, France, and the US and when I was around 25, I finally figured out that I really liked being a 'German' woman, but it took me some time! As a woman, I never felt at home in LA - all that plastic surgery, the way you're supposed to look and behave when you go out, all the superficiality and the stupid small talk... Plus not to forget the absolutely horrible, prudish take on sexuality.
California is not prude compares to Texans. So whats prude? Being with one person. Dating one person at a time? So the orgy stereotype is true? Majority of Germans are polyamorous?
@@charlievetta1385 bunch of prejudices coming from someone who’s probably never traveled farther than the state border. Americans are usually much more prudish than Europeans, in Texas much more so than in California, but that has nothing to do with all the negative things you mention.
I got weird reactions from American men about me having a condom on me. I don’t want to depend on any guy having safe sex, but they all saw that very differently. Here in Germany it’s no big deal for either side, it’s the responsible thing to do.
@@i.elpunkt8473 Condom on you, we have a name for chicks like you in America that sleep around
@@i.elpunkt8473 So German women are easy to lay ?
I have been watching you forever and I can totally see you and I being amazing friends!!
I bet we could be :) I am the perfect mixture of hot mess and lovable
Yep!
Native New Yorker here 😊 it’s so interesting to listen about how you grew up. Religion (Catholicism) would never be talked about in a New York public school. The US is regionally so different and it shows. Great video Hayley! 💕
Hello my beautiful friend how are you doing
Thanks Hayley for sharing this. I admire your insight now and the way you were able to grow personally over the last 5 years. Keep up the good work!
Thank You ... very interesting! What we Germans often lack though is the humility to change for the better which you so wonderfully express. I have learned several ship loads of positives from my wife who is American.
German society did change dramatically between about the 1950s and 1970s. A lot of the attitudes you describe were pretty widespread here as well before women's liberation. Women even needed their husband's legal permission if they wanted to get a job.
Ughhh cringe....
I can definitely relate to being told to look a certain way growing up in the South but my experience was a bit different. I grew up in a Christian household in South Carolina but I was always encouraged to be independent, never to rely on anyone for anything and go after what I want ...my friends and classmates were the same way. There are definitely differences in upbringing across cities and towns across the US. I honestly didn't even learn how to cook until I moved to Chicago for grad school because I never wanted to fall into society's standards of gender roles. When I travel abroad and when I meet people from other cultures in the US, their opinion of American women is usually that we are independent, demanding, and opinionated ....I think that most people think that of Americans in general (at least in my opinion). So, I've honestly never viewed American women as being meek and humble compared to women of other cultures. It was good to hear your perspective and experience to get that insight.
Hello my beautiful friend how are you doing
Funny I should see this today. I am a southerner who lives in Germany, too… and I totally agree that people back home don’t understand that the American way isn’t the only or best way.
I never expected to live in Germany, but I am so grateful I have had the opportunity. Thanks for this.
I grew up in Jamaica and am told that I "Immasculate Men" by being all those things that German women are:)
Grew up in Trinidad and I intimidate men apparently
Girls like you make the world a better place!
Keep doing it, if he's intimidated he's not on your level
This is funny. Saying USA gals are feminine and girly. You should go to Spain and USA gals are like men. LOL
I don't get why so many men seem to want simpering dolls for girlfriends / partners. A real man shouldn't feel 'emasculated' by a strong woman. What's it say about your masculinity if you need women to be weak and silly in order to feel 'like a man'. I want an equal partner I can respect not some airhead bimbo
PS German guy here, for the record
This is why we German men love strong and confident women.
lol german men expect you as a woman to take the first step and take them out on a date... XD
@@kimwold Yes, cause we are gracious beings.
I am Albanian and I love strong and confident women
I am from the Netherlands and I like women to be their true selves and speak their mind. Even if they are not confident, to just be honest and open about it. As we are all only human and should not expect any perfection from ourselves or each other.
because someone needs to be stronger in the couple
Long long time ago I went to a private English language School. We had a teacher from Chicago, ex marine. Suddenly he was gone. I asked one of the other teachers (Scottish), he said: he left Germany, he couldn't handle his German wife
😂😩🤣😩😂
lol
😂
Wow! This is a very insightful message. Keep up the good work Haley. I've only been in Germany for about 7 months and in some way my personality has changed.❣
A good video to prove the world doesn't revolve around the United States.
If the world were not expecting the United States to find a solution to all its problems maybe it wouldn’t feel that way. Because the United States spends so much money defending Europe it prevents us here from having so many of the things Europeans take for granted.
Yeah , but what did she say in the first 10 seconds of video
@@januarysson5633 don't act like you're not causing problems too...
Anja When did I say that?
January’s Son Ha ha ha, like anyone is looking to the US for solutions to racism, police violence, poverty, unemployment, Covid-19, gender inequality or anything else. You are funny
Wow, Hailey, I think this is your best video yet, such an interesting subject. I’m from the Netherlands and like to believe we have a lot in common with Germany. Even though we’ve come from far we still have a long way to go as it comes to women equality. I’m so grateful that I grew up believing a woman can do any profession a man can do and to be independent. I ended up carrying out a technical profession and yes this is still a male working environment, I definitely see progression. Also wanted to state that you can be strong and independent while being a girly girl.
Thank you so much for this perspective and I hope you get to inspire the woman and men in your community.
As a foreigner, woman, living in Germany, I love this video!
Hello my beautiful friend how are you doing
I expected an assaulting Video and I got a brilliant and reflected opinion on the differences between the cultures! Thank you a lot, this video was truly empowering!
Mind-blown! This was SO worth it! Thank you so much for addressing this. Coming from the same upbringing as you did, this validated all my experiences as well. I totally relate to you and I‘m so grateful that my eyes are opened eversince I moved here. „Masculinity in Women“ is referred to as toxic, but it’s not that entirely. Being a Pushover IS TOXIC. It brings resentment. You can be feminine and know what you want , express well what you want and gain respect. Moving to Germany taught me all this. It was definitely a struggle to understand it at first, and I went through a lot of challenges myself, but I‘m happy realizing now, how it molded me and reshaped my understanding of a how a Modern Woman in today’s society should be. Immer weiter!!
My deep respect for your inner journey and the courage to share it with the world. All the best.
It is incredibly common in USA to call a man (particularly when they're a supervisor) "assertive" and "strong", while describing a woman with the same attributes as "demanding" and "stubborn". That's how you treated your boss lady in Germany when you first got there. You wouldn't have thought twice about a man acting that way.
I absolutely see what you are saying. I am German and recently spent six month in Portugal. Seeing the culture difference really thought a lot about myself and who I want to be and who I don't want to be. We can learn so much from the people that are not like us.
I read in the description you wrote that you don't want this video to be related to feminism. I can absolutely see that and agree. I don't like these terms and don't want to associate with them. Instead I think it is more powerful to just live your life and set an example. And you are doing that, this it what inspires others.
Most interesting video I've seen this week. When I moved the the US all the women around me were horrified by who I am and tried to make me a proper female by buying me girly clothes and teaching me how to do american make-up. Surprisingly I never had problems with dating. I guess none of the guys dared to tell me I am not girly enough...
The more likely scenario is that the guys didn't say anything because they were fine with you as you were. It sounds like some jealousy among the women you were around.
@@Anon54387 It didn't sound like that to me in the slightest.
@@barbsmart7373 He's fantasizing about women fighting each other zzzzz
This is so interesting. I'm 20 now (from Germany) and two years ago I was an au pair in Collier County (Naples). So I kinda see where you are coming from escpially about the church stuff. That was all very weird and new to me when I started making friends (which actually all went to FBA, so a lot of church). I love your videos so much since I know a little bit of both sides. But they also give me some more understanding about both sides. Sometimes you are like "this is so German" and I think oh yeah it is. But for me it's so normal, I didn't know it's German. I thought everybody does it. Anyway thanks for your fun videos and the strong women you became!
I got told a lot that I speak my mind and that it's so weird that I have such strong opinions and say most things loud that come to my mind. They say it's so German. I think they actually enjoyed it sometimes🤷🏼♀️😂 now I miss my American peeps😅❤️
I have spent a lot of time in Naples and all I can say is congratulations for sticking through. I love Naples but it is a totally different planet once you get pass the Bonita Springs city sign... you have entered rich people territory
@@HayleyAlexis that is mostly true yes! My host family was a lot. My best friends boyfriends lives in Bonita.
I suggest you read Simon de Beauvoir. She has really interesting talking points which somewhat apply to your description i guess.
This is very interesting because I also grew up in the southeast region of the United States ("The Bible Belt", so to speak). It's interesting that we had such vastly different experiences. I wouldn't say this is the norm for this region, but i will say depending on how rural of an area you are i suppose that is possible. Where I grew up, lots of women (including myself) were very tomboyish, and women were proud of being tough, and playing in the mud and rough housing like the boys, etc. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's always fascinating to have a new perspective! It just goes to show how different everyone's life experiences are 😊
I fit in when I was in Germany. The area I live in, in Pennsylvania, a lot of women aren't girly. We're country and tom boy. In the U.S, we are brought up with the men paying for us, while on a date. I always did feel uncomfortable with guys paying for me on a date.
Am I right in assuming it has to do with the grade of religiousness in a region? What do you think. Baucause there are some very religious states and areas in the US (but not all of it). This does not exist in most of (Western-)Europe.
Hasn't a lot of the Pennsylvanian population German roots? Maybe they brought some of their way with them. :)
@@Flex2212 no,religious women are much stronger
This is great. I was watching your videos sometimes for fun, probably because of their lighthearted character (which sometimes lacks with us "middle-Europeans"), but as a man I love seeing women emancipating. Especially now that my little sisters are on the brink of adulthood. Hau rein Hayley!
I love your self reflection. Although I think a lot of women also find comfort in traditional roles, let the guy take charge can also make them feel safe... it must have been so interesting (and difficult) to step out of this mindset and question these things... I think we women must ask "but why, though?" More often...
That Getrud Rant 😂 great video Hayley! The way you are able to reflect your own past behaviour and upbringing is amazing.
just felt the need to tell you how extremely smart and well-spoken you are 💗
Thank you!!!
Hello Kim
It's truly inspiring how self aware you've become and I respect you for your open-mindednes
Still amazed you can talk so long (and apparently not from script) without letting any gaps fall. It's a gift I guess.
Some gaps I had to cut out BUT I usually do a lot better speaking without a script than with one...
I think this video was perfectly executed girl! You addressed so many nuances from the perception of strong women, the effects of growing up in the south as a woman, dating AND the more progressive views of strong women across cultures. So goood, cheers to all the strong and stronger women out there 🍾
I feel like giving you a virtual hug.... I would say a real hug BUT social distancing and everything :p
Hayley Alexis No worries haha virtual hugs !
I wish to convey my deepest respect for this video. The journey that you narrated, showing your initial mindset and the learning experience that you went through, is a fascinating example of someone who was willing to don someone else's shoes and walk a mile or ten in them. Without being too facetious I have always felt that while US culture at least purports to instill a "be what you want to be" attitude, this is mainly for the males. it instills a crab bucket attitude in the women, a "don't get above your station and prevent others to buck the norms that constrain me" type mindset.
It is interesting to scan US TV series for this, especially "family shows", high school drama, "suburbia settings" and reality TV. Most of these contain a plethora of tropes and underlying assumptions that support your assertions to a t. I think the expectations for girls are pithily summarised in Marina and the Diamonds'"Seventeen":
Seventeen / Marina
I used to kill myself in this dress
Is supposed to be
I used to kid myself in distress
Makes lot more sense speaking of princesses
Used to be a major scale
But the melody went stale
Musical cacophony let
Insy winsy spider free
You're a rich little boy
Who's had to work for his toys
You've got all the sensibilities, oh
Of an upper class guy
No, no I'm not your little slave
No I don't twist and turn that way
Only got bad things to say
You're always asking what is up, up with me
Could never tell you what happened
The day I turned seventeen
The rise of a king and the fall of a queen
Oh seventeen Seventeen
Oh, you were embarrassed of me
'Cause I used my tongue freely
Bet you wish I couldn't speak
'Cause when I do, you know I tell you why you appear weak
You want a hassle free life?
Go get your upper class wife
She's got all the personality, oh
Of a lemon that has been
Truly sucked dry
You teach me how to behave
I felt you question the way
I was brought up as a baby
Well you don't know fuck about my family
Could never tell you what happened
The day I turned seventeen
The rise of a king and the fall of a queen
Oh seventeen (seventeen)
Oh seventeen
Oh seventeen
The rise of the king and the fall of a queen
Oh seventeen
Never felt like a princess
I used to kid myself in distress
That it was just how things
Were meant to be
Oh seventeen
Seventeen
Hi Hayley, thank you for giving your insight on and making me more understandable of this specific aspect of American upbringing in the more southern States of the US. Never knew about this. As a male, this is rarely ever pointed out to me. Take care, E.
I believe my decade was the slow end of such an upbringing... Of course there are people still being raised like I was BUT not to the same extent. I believe the 90's-2000's was the turn of society in the USA...Where so many people started changing their views.. I think the internet started booming, information started being transferred/communicated quicker so people were able to be more informed at a faster rate.
Hayley, I've really appreciated your insights about being a woman in the US and in Germany... but when you say you would go as far as to say this is a general trait of "European" women I think you're going a bit too far. I've lived in Germany and the UK and I could see how different women from my country, Italy, generally are from those in Northern Europe. I cannot say we aren't independent, but we're different. Our culture is different: to us being well put together and extremely friendly/outgoing is generally quite important. Not for all, but for many. If you're interested you can watch a video about women in Milan, my city, by a fellow American young woman, Tia Taylor. She's from Connetticut and her depiction of an "American" woman is quite different from yours. I suppose being a woman from Connetticut is as different from being a woman from Florida as being a German woman differs from being an Italian woman. But l might be wrong!
When I think of UK women, I think of fake tan, fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, etc. I don't think that about any other European woman which has a more natural, body positive and healthy stereotype
@@mottyreef That' really only a very small proportion of the women in the UK. Most of us are....normal....!
youre so strong! I'm happy that you use your platform to show how your views have changed and what experiences youve made.
i love how you spread the kind of messagge saying you can like flowers and makeup but still be emancipated
Very, very interesting video Hayley. Love to hear this perspective. It reinforces something i am saying for quite a while now. So feminism, gender roles and so on are an ongoing topic of controversial discussions, both in the US and Germany. And while i am definitely not one of those Anti-Feminists, i feel like sometimes the german discourse is adapting the american discourse a little too much and calling out problems that we don't have, atleast not to öthe same extend. Even most of the modern german feminist/gender language uses english terms (starting with "Gender Studies" which is rarely translated). German feminism and gender studies definitly has its place and we definitly have a bunch of issues concerning gender roles and equality too, however i think it is not right to just project the american discourse one for one onto germany. You might actually create more problems than you solve that way. Generally by fighting issues you have to call them out and somewhat reproduce them. You don't want to do that with problems, that we currently don't really have. So i believe, and as i said your video strongly reinforces that belief, that we have to carefully dissect what we can adopt from the american feminist discourse and what we can not.
I am glad that i can see you grow since from the beginning, and im so proud
Oh man... Kind of sad to hear that. Even more exciting that you have changed your own mindset in a positive way. I'm glad you're now appreciate the strength of women and of yourself! We are much more than just a biological women. We are beautiful and lovable for our internally and externally qualities the good and the bad ones. No more, no less than all the men and other beautiful people in the world.
Happy to see that you are more satisfied and more of what you can be if you're just you and not what gender rules and upbringing have made of you and your mindset.
Love you ❤️😘💕
Church in the US is a community meeting place since American culture is all about "Me, myself and I", church is that place where you can socialize and meet other people while feeling accepted. You are absolutely right about girls being treated badly, but it is different in northern states. Gender issues bring another extreme - when girls get to high level manager positions they feel the need to overcompensate for their gender. Every female manager I had in the US was absolutely horrible precisely because we have such a bad gender imbalance in the society.
I hate how people (even some people in the comments) think that being independent as a woman means being „masculine“ or anything. That’s so stupid. I‘m a German woman and I love wearing really girly stuff and being all feminine, at the same time I can speak for myself and make decisions for myself.
u have no vedio in channale but having 307 subcribers🙃
@@zaheer74ful I got top comments quite a lot over the past years, sometimes that’s a reason for people to subscribe to you but I honestly don’t know why I got so many subscribers🤷🏼♀️
@@linajurgensen4698 make vedio s u will get more subscriber I wish
Oh, this is really interesting. It never occured to me how deep the upbringing and expectations when it comes to dating go. It explains a not (not just about you but also about culture differences as well) Thank you very much!
The difference is mainly due to the wars, especially the second worldwar. Unlike how some wannabes try to proclaim it being turks who built up Germany, it wasn't (they came mostly in the 60s when it was already rebuilt and we didn't have enough men to deal with the growing demand). It were women who built the country back up since most adult men were simply dead. Thus it has a very different mindset and way of raising. Funnily enough you never hear that from the people claiming they advocate for womens rights. The stories from my grandparents and great-grandparents are way beyond what those spoiled brats nowadays can even imagine, let alone fight through.
Unfortunately it also resulted in plenty of women being unable to channel their feminine side to the extent they want to.
I've been stumbling upon your videos for years now, but I never thought of them as interesting enough for me to stick around, let alone leave a comment. But after this one, I simply had to write something-I hope you see it.
A lot of people don't get how difficult it is to struggle with your own upbringing and how painful it can be to question your beliefs basically to destruction. Because most people have never been forced by circumstances to take a good look at themselves. Being open about your struggle makes the video uniquely interesting, and not just because of your sincerity-you can be sincere about banalities, wasting others' time and attention-no, it was gripping because your take on the issue was full of understanding and compassion. I loved it and I hope you don't stop here; I hope you keep questioning and doubting, not just American lifestyle and societal norms, but German as well. As many have pointed out in the comments, there're still gaping disparities between genders in Germany and it would be a great benefit to everyone if there were more voices out here on TH-cam contributing to the discussion with personal experience and a unique perspective.
And before I'm done, since you mentioned that you haven't had enough information on women's issues growing up, I thought I'd recommend a book that might blow you mind. It's called Caliban and the Witch. Stay healthy and good luck on your journey ;-)
I’m so happy for you that you found yourself and your true self-worth ❤️ I was raised myself in a very misogynistic muslim community so I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. Stay strong and assertive ❤️
Don't you find it how two areas of the world US vs middle east have so much commonality? It was meant to control the world domesticly and internationally.
Hayley, I admire your guts and observation skills. I appreciate all your videos - when you're glad and when you're sad. A true human being. Keep up the good work! (Finn/Denmark)
This is funny as a german girl I had the complete opposite experience. Being girly was always made fun of in my household as something silly and dumb. I didnt get the confidence to buy cutesy clothes till I did an exchange year to Japan. And bless japanese underwear store employees for being the sweetest people ever and help me buy something different then a plain black or white bra ^^
Dear Hayley, your channel was just suggested to me and this particular video is en excellent. Heading to watch some more. I am so happy for your change. Congratulations and all the best.
Great video! Actually germany wasn't always like that. A lot of girls are still raised in a similar manner as you described it, however you find that most bigger cities needed to adapt as everything got more expensive and it became harder for one person to earn enough to provide for a family. These days everybody can't just work they absolutely have to.
So, allthough it opens loads of opportunities, it also gave us some new issues.
For example how do I raise my child with having no parents around. At the moment they are given to day care at a very young age (some just 6 months old).
This will put a lot of pressure on our country as children don't have their parents long enough to feel safe in this world. And suicide amongst children and teenagers has risen for a while now.
So there is still a long way to go in terms of how we should be.
What a great video! I really appreciate how open and to the point you are about the changes that you and others see in yourself. I think it says a lot about a person when they are able to reflect on themselves like that. And obviously topics like this are always super interesting for people who haven't made the experience of living in a different culture (yet).
Hayley, you rock! Germany loves you
And I love germany so much more 🥳
Nope. Speak for yourself, dude.
What a cool video! It’s really cool to see the way that you have reflected and were willing to confront aspects of yourself that you wanted to change. I feel like this type of video is indicative of the changes you have made: taking ownership of past weaknesses, etc. is hard!!
Hearing about your upbringing makes me thankful to have grown up in a progressive environment in NY - moving to a big city in Germany felt like I was moving to a much more conservative culture and I feel like many New Yorkers don’t have a lot of the qualities that Germans expect from Americans. I do feel like the south is a different world sometimes though - I had more culture shocks from South Carolina than from Germany and Austria!
You have not really changed - you have developed yourself. Not many ones have the courage to leave their comfort zone. All the best for you and your partner!
First off, props for being so authentic and showing your vulnerability. That takes so much strength. I am also an American in Germany. You're also pretty funny. My first thoughts were "hey girl heey, let's do a video call!" I live in Hessen, so a different region than you, and I'm originally from Kansas, so our background is also a bit different, but we still have a unique perspective and videos like this make me want to do more videos in this vein.
You are describing my experience exactly, i live here in Stuttgart since 5 years now , and i really hated in the beginning that boys here expecting me to make all decisions and have my own opinion and this is not how i was raised! I am taking a break now from all frogs and working on my assertive personality 🙂
Muhammed cult!!!🐉😮😁
I love this video, Hayley! Probably the most fascinating one you've ever made. Hearing about girly-girl stereotypes, I've often wondered, 'what are these people thinking!?', but this was my first time hearing what it's actually like and what my own culture looks like to someone who's internalised the girly-girl ethic. And I'm Dutch, but I think Germany and Scandinavia are very similar in this. Not sure about all of Europe, though: I hear reports that are very similar to yours coming out of Italy, for instance...