Wow. Thank you for this. . I’ve had too many one sided friendships and I’d not really tied it back to self worth. But I can see that it is. And for me it’s undoing the idea that I’m only worthy of being a listener. Need to work on having equal value as Me. Much to think about there! Boundaries - I’m getting better at them. And it’s interesting how just setting a simple one - being much less instantly available - caused one taker friend to disappear. I learned a lot from that. But thank you for touching on why we might attract them in the 1st place. I’m keen to stop that pattern.
There’s a world of giving and taking. And a world of giving and receiving. We have been encouraged to give all our lives. That is good. But another piece is receiving. We have to learn to receive. BUT first contemplate being a receiver, NOT a taker. Learning to receive gives you balance in your life. Don’t be too proud to receive, even while you are a good giver.
As an INFJ I'm a taker. I don't have that much to give, and what I do have to give, is not wanted. I used to help people, but stopped, when I realized, no one was going to help me, even when I ask them point blank. I do lack introverted intuitives in my life. So, it may be the help others give me, just does not work for me, and help me.
I give for validation. If someone loves me or is excited about me it fills in the gaps because I don't have enough love and excitement for myself. I figured out this was the common throughline in my one-sided relationships. The ironic thing is, allowing this type of dynamic is also very draining. I fear being a bad person if I abandon them but also I'm afraid of abandonment myself. I've had a couple of friendships where I've said something (nicely, but honestly) and have been left. I've survived. :)
@@trinabrettnell Not a ton of time. But some. I try to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect and that I'm allowed to be angry, sad, and to have boundaries too. Other than that I'm not sure what else to do.
@LavenderHazelwood that's a great start. It is so important that we allow ourselves to feel all our feelings, we don't have to dwell, but just feel them. Another thing to do is write down the things that you do like about yourself. Now, if you were like I was, I couldn't find absolutely anything I liked about myself so instead I wrote down how I wanted to feel about myself, who I wanted to be. Starting small, nothing crazy, just baby step it. Then make a list of your strengths, things you are good at. Even if you think it's silly and isn't a strength write it down because I assure you it is part of one of your strengths. This is what I get my clients to do that enroll in my self-love program. Also, Mel Robbins has a wonderful book out called "The High Five Habit", it's a great one for improving self-love, self-worth and acceptance. I believe she reads it for free on her TH-cam channel.
I find the therapist/patient, coach/receiver of coaching, teacher/student roles uncomfortable. As a patient, receiver of coaching, or student, I am in a receiver, rather than a giver. This may have to do with a reversal in parent/child roles in my family of origin. I guess this is where boundaries, assertiveness and good communication skills come in.
Basically you constantly give your time and energy and have nothing left for yourself to do the things you want to do. You we constantly give we feel overwelm multiple times through the day, struggle with higher anxiety, maybe is depression. Feel unsatisfied, and feel there has to be more. And many of us will even begin to question who we are.
Wow. Thank you for this. . I’ve had too many one sided friendships and I’d not really tied it back to self worth. But I can see that it is. And for me it’s undoing the idea that I’m only worthy of being a listener. Need to work on having equal value as Me.
Much to think about there!
Boundaries - I’m getting better at them. And it’s interesting how just setting a simple one - being much less instantly available - caused one taker friend to disappear. I learned a lot from that.
But thank you for touching on why we might attract them in the 1st place. I’m keen to stop that pattern.
🥰🥰🥰🥰 thank you for sharing
There’s a world of giving and taking. And a world of giving and receiving. We have been encouraged to give all our lives. That is good. But another piece is receiving. We have to learn to receive. BUT first contemplate being a receiver, NOT a taker. Learning to receive gives you balance in your life. Don’t be too proud to receive, even while you are a good giver.
You nailed it when you said we need to learn to receive. Many of us have no idea how to do that, I was one who had to learn.
As an INFJ I'm a taker. I don't have that much to give, and what I do have to give, is not wanted. I used to help people, but stopped, when I realized, no one was going to help me, even when I ask them point blank. I do lack introverted intuitives in my life. So, it may be the help others give me, just does not work for me, and help me.
Me, too
I give for validation. If someone loves me or is excited about me it fills in the gaps because I don't have enough love and excitement for myself. I figured out this was the common throughline in my one-sided relationships. The ironic thing is, allowing this type of dynamic is also very draining. I fear being a bad person if I abandon them but also I'm afraid of abandonment myself. I've had a couple of friendships where I've said something (nicely, but honestly) and have been left. I've survived. :)
This is so common for INFJs. Have you spent much time working on finding more love and acceptance for yourself?
@@trinabrettnell Not a ton of time. But some. I try to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect and that I'm allowed to be angry, sad, and to have boundaries too. Other than that I'm not sure what else to do.
@LavenderHazelwood that's a great start. It is so important that we allow ourselves to feel all our feelings, we don't have to dwell, but just feel them.
Another thing to do is write down the things that you do like about yourself.
Now, if you were like I was, I couldn't find absolutely anything I liked about myself so instead I wrote down how I wanted to feel about myself, who I wanted to be. Starting small, nothing crazy, just baby step it.
Then make a list of your strengths, things you are good at. Even if you think it's silly and isn't a strength write it down because I assure you it is part of one of your strengths. This is what I get my clients to do that enroll in my self-love program.
Also, Mel Robbins has a wonderful book out called "The High Five Habit", it's a great one for improving self-love, self-worth and acceptance. I believe she reads it for free on her TH-cam channel.
@@trinabrettnell Thank you!
This was very helpful and soothing. Thank you very much! 🌹
You are welcome 😊
I find the therapist/patient, coach/receiver of coaching, teacher/student roles uncomfortable. As a patient, receiver of coaching, or student, I am in a receiver, rather than a giver. This may have to do with a reversal in parent/child roles in my family of origin. I guess this is where boundaries, assertiveness and good communication skills come in.
Yeah, exactly. Boundaries are so important.
What does this even mean to be a giver? Like you give your thoughts about people? Your money? Your time? And how do you know you are over giving?
Basically you constantly give your time and energy and have nothing left for yourself to do the things you want to do.
You we constantly give we feel overwelm multiple times through the day, struggle with higher anxiety, maybe is depression. Feel unsatisfied, and feel there has to be more. And many of us will even begin to question who we are.