@@advcrim77 I started putting myself out there again aggressively. Already had one pretty bad breakdown ngl. It hurts but I still feel like I have to do it.
Hi guys, how do people deregulate you? I hope my question is not too personal but I want to understand more and deeper the borderline personality disorder
I wish there were therapists like you in every city/country. Most therapists just give general advice for depression/anxiety, like exercise, routine, etc. Or some basic relationship counseling. It hardly helps deal with such chronic conditions.
I completely agree, I’ve had many therapists and they all basically cycle through these basic advices. Out of around 6 therapists I only really felt like 1 one them actually helped and touched my heart.
I agree 👍 💯 I found myself Feeling discouraged not having any professional therapist in my city who wants to work with someone with B.P.D . In my opinion it makes me feel even lonelier , because I feel like I'm talking to a wall 🧱 when I explain things ,when I need answers, one ear and out the other.. I was told I should receive ECT TREATMENT 🤦♀️ for my client Depression .. Honestly my many reason for my depression is Caused by B.P.D 🤷♀️
I was a loner and bullied growing up and it's carried on throughout my adult life. It's hard to imagine a solution when this is the way it is and always has been. I cry thinking about how different my life could be if I'd had a normal social life growing up v.s. struggling with mental health.
I know I'm cursed because I don't want to be normal, I want to be weird and selfish.. but nobody can see in Gray!! Especially for women in their prime, it's all bend over for them woe is their problems and I need to just man up with my issues... Apparently. One of the biggest f****** waste well, I've definitely lived at least for my and kiss some girls and been to strip clubs and other stuff online but, yeah definitely why the hell was I such a great physical shape just because it felt good and it helped me survive high school?! Pretty much, I just don't see the point in trying if I'm super cursed and I don't even know when it'll be start going downhill, I've had to be in a golden age to prevent absolutely crippling depression, being the Golden age of something pretty much all times, or else I have nothing....
I’m not afraid of relationships being taken away, I just don’t feel comfortable around strangers. I feel judged or like I’m drowning making small talk with people or like I always say too much.
I dealt with loneliness by pushing everyone away and spending as much time as possible alone. I feel threatened by people and don't want to hurt them either so it's better to be alone.
Hello Dr. Fox, I just wanted to let you know that your book hugely affected my life. I felt seen, understood, and like I had a way out of BPD. After being diagnosed and no psychologist or therapist wanting to see me or understanding bpd, my partner and I thought there was almost no way to get better. But when we started watching your videos and working through your workbook, I started identifying my problems/patterns and have improved exponentially this year. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your videos and your work. Thank you for all you do!
Your story is very similar to mine and I have found Dr Fox and his workbook this year. I can feel authentic happiness, calm and contentment for one of the first times in my life 😁
I've always been an introvert, doing things on my own and that made me detached from people. I don't get attached to anyone at all. I barely make friends and if I do, I never text them. If we go separate ways, I don't feel anything at all. There are only 2-3 people that I text and those are people I've been friends for more than 10 years. I made myself alone and part of me interpreted this as ''ha, I'll never be abandoned because I don't get attached''. And it's true. Because I abandon people first. And it's just as bad.
This reads so realistically genuine and authentic. I don't have BPD, but I certainly relate to what you've written here, except that I wasn't always this way. I became this way as an adult in my later 30s/early 40s, probably because I score almost exactly in the middle of the spectrum between introvert and extrovert. I don't get attached to adults anymore not because of abandonment fears, but because I so rarely come across people who are empathetic, decent human beings in the city where I live. When I moved here is when I gave up on connecting with people, whereas that had never before happened in my life. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts so sincerely and beautiful. I appreciate you. You've given me some things to think about.
I’ve realized that I’ve been around people that don’t accept me as if I express my own opinions or needs. Specifically my family and then my ex wife and now my girlfriend that’s gone although she at times was more open to me expressing my own opinions and boundaries. My ex wife just got made if I expressed my needs. It would nice to feel safe enough in a relationship to communicate about things without it going south or the relationship ending.
I've never felt connected to my family or anyone else as far back as I can remember. I've always wondered what makes me so different from the rest of the human population. It's so damn painful.
I realized this as well Its like no matter how I'm acting my inner self just observing from a fence I realized From the way People talk it is obvious to them that what they think matters that's why they're so confident, they really believe that And for me that is not the case
I work, I used to do voluntary work, I used to sing in a choir etc etc. I quit everything because I was giving more than I was receiving. I never belong. Nobody cares whether I am involved or otherwise even if I am the loudest. I feel transparent. The more I am with people, the lonelier I feel. I prefer staying alone... it is less painful.
This is an excellent topic Dr Foxx. Loneliness is absolutely a complex thing I struggle with. At times, a sense of loneliness comes over me when I'm surrounded by people. When I should feel connected, sometimes I don't. I myself like to spend a great deal of my time alone. I struggle hugely with having confidence in the idea that my friends actually care for me or even like me. I always feel like people feel differently then they're showing me. I'm always questioning the loyalty of others and whether or not they can be trusted. I think BPD has a lot to do with one's ability to trust others and trust themselves to handle what others may do. Lack of trust in myself is huge because I'm always questioning if I'm reading a situation through a distorted lense. Your videos are the best in this subject on all of TH-cam. Thank you so much. Please keep them coming!
I bought 3 ponies a couple of years ago, for this reason. Not only do they come running to me, but they give me a topic to talk about at all times with people, the connect me to my horse friends and rider friends with whom I can hang out when I want to. My decision. Outdoor time daily they give me. Blessed are we country people for this reason. A farmer keeps my ponies on his meadows, I need to connect with him, too, for logistic reasons.
Bless you and your ponies❤ You are right, I desperately want to live in the country side, near trees, fields, woods, rivers. Even if it's in a little trailer. I miss so much living with a dog. But now I am kind of stucked in a huge crowded city, in a tiny studio rented by some ngo for the crazies/homeless/or migrants( after the death of my dog❤, years ago, I went crazy, tried to end my life, failed, losed my flat, became homeless..and the pandemic came.). I like having a roof over my head, litteraly, I live under the roof and I can see the skies, birds, I've put plants I love..it is fine. But getting out is hard, the streets, the PEOPLE, I have to prepare like a warrior before I go. And then my anxiety, fears, anger, hardcore feeling of solitude, seeing couples, families, men I find attractive..all this desperates me to the core, cause I only can sit and watch them, taking some sun, til I feel I must go home..cause what else could I do. I dont work anymore, I am weird, and I am way too scared of rejection. The only jobs I liked and did a lot were working in the fields, picking fruits, gardner, ..but it was when I was a young wanderer with his dog. I am/feel trapped. Like in a spider web. The city I live in is a beautiful sunny city on the Mediterranean coast of the south of France, sounds like a dream, it is not, it is crowded, globalized, polluted, violent, expensive.. I used to walk the sea, crossing the city, everyday, to swim and pray, I dont anymore, people give me too much bad feelings, I feel oppressed, some make me very inconfortable or so angry or painfully sad..and I must leave, to hide. So I recluse myself most of the time. I dont see no one personally, or its rare and for some emergency help and its more charity than anything else. I am 37, it has been like this for a long time, I feel bad for being in my bed at 6.30 pm, already ready to end the day watching yt and smoking joints with guilt and shame. I hear my normal neighbors having parties, children laughing, I hear the life outside. I know people are all around, it is crazy. It is not nice. If I were in the countryside, all I hear would be nature..and I would be with dogs. In the city, the confrontation with so many people is brutal, if you have no one to really talk with or share moments, the feeling of loneliness and of being not good enough, broken, is multiplicated by 1000.
I'm in a period of my life right now where the loneliness is just consuming me. I really value my solitude but once it reaches loneliness, I just can't handle it. Even just the thought of going out to meet friends is terrifying... I just stay home most of the time because I can't even be alone out in public because I feel like I'm being watched and judged. The paranoia eventually fully sets in and I just go back home. I no longer enjoy being out like I used to. I'm just numb and empty. 😔
I had the same since many years. If you hidd yourself because you scare or you feel disconfort around people, break the circle now. Cause in the future nothing will change. Find you à good friend you can talking with :) theres no shame to be alone and to be sensitiv person but stay alert for your soul. Develloped so many résistance for protect i woud die. Hated every part of my mind or what i tought to be.. now i just respect me and let it go even i suffer, doesnt mean i overcome but some tools helped me to go trought step by step. just respect you. :) im here if you want to talk..
I'm so relieved and thankful to find other people who suffer from the symptoms and traumatic child hood trama. You seem like a very kind hearted person and I'd actually love to email. I'm not a creep. If communicating could help you then say so. I'll post email. Peace🎆
I was a lonely child. I only had my dad who worked two full-time jobs and a few friends. My mother and 3 siblings were hostile. I thought that I was really close to my cousins growing up but when we grew up they all just moved away and when I see them they hardly remember my name which hurts really bad. I really loved them. All my life as a child and teenager I thought they loved me like I loved them. I am 63 now and crippled relationally . I have been married 30 years but my husband also raised himself and we settled on a peaceful life of mutual pity and isolation. We do not know how to have close personal relationships that are nontoxic. I bought your workbook that I plan to start working on soon and I am looking for a personal counselor and also a grief counselor at the behest of our marriage counselor.
Even though I live alone, I don't have loneliness I have my books my music and my wonderful piano! That's all I need plus my portfolio that's all I need!
Im afraid to go to therapy bc im scared i will get attached to or be attracted to my therapist...being able to access higher quality info from my own home has really been a life saver. I just left an abusive relationship of 5 years and i am really motivated to improve my mental state...your videos offer so much clarity, insight, validation and tools...thanks Dr.Fox
I cannot agree more. The lack of connection is the core issue that makes me feel the worst. Every situation or a relationship that makes me feel connected usually helps to deal with difficult issues in life, they get easier. Lack of connection somehow freezes me up.
I used to feel connected and loved,even by Women at times now I feel like I am on a different planet or marooned on a island so far fram everyone...I feel like a leper,totally disgusting,weird,inadequate unwanted and hopeless......Zero reason to keep living like this...I am 44 and life passed Me by
@@dayna29866 I appreciate the kind words but after 44 years reality has not shown that-I bring no value to this world and death is the only light at the end of My tunnel
Having just gotten out of a serious relationship, this is especially challenging. I understand learning to cope with being alone is something highly useful and beneficial, but having one person there basically 24/7 to having occasional interactions when your brain automatically goes to "oh i should tell her about this" only to realize you can't... It's really difficult.
Thank you, thank you Dr Fox 🙏 you are the first professional I have come across after 21 years of therapy, who has been able to describe and put into words exactly how I feel and what is the root of my struggles - I didn’t even know how to explain my own feelings or understand them 🤔 I found your channel after a good psychiatrist finally diagnosed me with BPD traits earlier this year 🧐 I am already diagnosed with ADHD and complex-PTSD. Your videos, descriptions, explanations and working through your fabulous work book 📖 is taking away the initial stigma I felt and I am now able to have real confidence, love and compassion for myself, for the first time ever 💕
Just in time like always. Excellent advice. I have not got any meaningful connections in my life and for the past 2 years have been unable able to get out the house however this video really makes me want to try. Thanks mate
My triggers are not feeling part of the family and any negative comments about my weight I’m so happy I found you because you really are an expert on BPD and you give me hope and I’m doing everything you suggest so I appreciate your help thank you so much
It doesn't matter how bad my mood is- I always finish your videos feeling better than I did before I started them. ☺️ You come off as so genuine and I love that about you. Thank you for doing what you do, Dr. Fox. You really are a gem. 💜✨
Aww that’s sad. I was mostly alone between 12-16 years old and it’s true, the feeling of being alone, lonely and wanting someone stuck with me. I’m 31 now and I still feel the same
How do we deal with being irritable and pushing people away? A lot of the examples of people trying to connect with me that you mentioned I often feel apathetic or even irritated about, yet I struggle with loneliness. Thank you so much for your wonderful videos
I feel very unconnected a lot, even though I am married and have a great support system. It isnt that I don't get enough attention, it's just that I flip that switch, and go "numb". Im blessed enough to have a spouse that has attended many therapy sessions to help me, especially in times such as those. I often seek out drugs or rely on self harm to feel again. My wife is capable of communicating effectively with me and making certain that we do more activities together during those times. It doesnt fix it, but it helps greatly.
Dr I am from India and I must say you genuinely care about your patients ...I like your videos very much makes me feel I m not totally weirdo and a lost case ❤️
THANK YOU for this video DR.FOX. I am in a pit of lonliness and withdrawal. You are so helpful with my BPD. No Doctors specialize in BPD here where I live. And regular Therapists just Do Not get Me bcuz they don't know much about treatment of it. So God Bless you. I needed this one. Keep an comin'
im going through an extreme period od lonliness, so thank you for this. you always seem to know when i need something most even tho neither of us know eachother
I am not diagnosed with BPD but I have recently discovered that I have some basic issues on that spectrum. This particular issue is a hot button for me. Your channel-though more technical than many people could understand (I had trouble at first until I discovered what terms such as “co-morbid” meant)-is a breath of fresh air.
Dr . Fox your voice, face and attentiveness is so comforting in facing this dillemma. I believe im finally ready to accept what im dealing with and overcome this cycle in life. Im ready to be a part of breaking the cycle and loving myself enough to not hurt anyone under the guise of my own confusions and insecurities.
Relatable! And one thing I cannot stand is being in a room of people or with one person and they are on their phone while I am sitting there hoping they'll put it down and share genuine connection. When you first get to know someone, they are on their phone less when in your presence, but as time goes on, I find they go back to their social media high and I go back to feeling lonely and unworthy.
I really hate it when i say that i'm lonely that people say I just have to surround me with people... my lonelyness stms from beeing treated as a outcast most of my life and not having that partner you can really have a connection with... I'm beeing lonely for almost 10 years now... and nomatter what I try i cannot get a partner
The video and channel is a true gem Does anyone find It painful when you go outside Alone e.g. to the cinema, to go for a walk in the city centre and find people either in couples or together, being able to make plans with others, having support and company in others ? I'm not talking about envy or jealousy here, rather sheer frustration, thinking...why can't that be me? I've been soooo deeply hurt, and still am, by a substancial amount of people - people that should have been trustworthy (whether it's in partners - romantic relationships, family, relatives, "friends", ...) 95% of the people I've met have let me down inmensely, or betrayed me, or taken advantage of me, or abused me, so it's very difficult for me to trust - which makes the inner void and emptiness even deeper and more unbearable
I feel like this all the time. With the warmer weather I am out and about more and I get so tense and a desperate envy descends on me when I see beautiful couples and happy looking families. It makes me have thoughts of inferiority and rejection. It feels like being the last person picked for the sports team in elementary school, without being picked though.
@@latenitetubing I feel you so much, feeling like this at the moment too, even though I have a couple but having been psychologically abused by all my family members, betrayed by friends, plus I work on my own so I don't have coworkers), it's quite a lonely experience altogether... I can't help feeling somewhat resentful towards life, I guess everyone would in this situation
In these days of social isolation due to Corona virus social media is the only way to support others or feel supported. 12 weeks isolation when you live alone is very daunting.
I am the embodiment of loneliness. Added to my borderline disorder, I have physical diseases. It's been 7 years now that I am stuck in my bed most of the time. I am disabled to the point that I can't work at all. I dont have many friends, and I dont really see them since they all live in different cities and have busy lives (or are ill just like me and cant come and see me). I used to have a lot of sexfriends to balance my isolation. I am a total outsider, out of every society track. It's demential how lonely I am in my extreme body suffering and my disconnected mind. My life has always been cursed since my youngest years. And I cant do anything to fix this now. I guess it's how it was supposed to be. Even if I expected better for me and from my untapped potential. I apologize if I did some language mistakes, english isnt my native language, and because of my diseases, I have never been able to go to college. Which I would have loved to.
Sappho, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your struggle or your pain. I hope things get better for you and for all of us who are afflicted and suffering. Be well. P.S~ You did wonderful with your spelling and grammar. I never would have known that english is not your first language. Best wishes. Lisa
Is it normal to never wanting responsibilities and wanting to go back when I was a kid/teenager ? The only thing I want in life right now is go back in time (80's) and just stay there. I'm 44yrs now. I'm so miserable in this time of life.
Dr Fox, thank you for making this video. What you mentioned is exactly what I feel and what I needed. I find comfort in people that I can connect to and there are not many I can connect to. I find extreme comfort in my FP and this connection is addictive and I always get addicted to it. Once it’s broken I get withdrawal symptoms and not easy to find a substitutes since people with BPD were extremely selective.
You are not only a huge breath of air to take in, but an inspiration. Thank you for the validation and words of wisdom. You are making a long needed impact on this world with what you are doing. Big love sent your way. 🙏
Ive spent most of my life as though Ive been forced into solitary confinement. When I had a car I could at least get out and about safetly. Add poverty to this and its getting to be a death sentence.
That's my life in a nutshell. I used to have a car too and now I don't. I really hope things have changed for you in the last two years. The solitary confinement is unbearable
Thank you so much you make me feel so understood every time, I want to shove these videos into everyone around me’s faces so they understand what I usually go through
Who wants to try to go out there and connect with a bunch of strangers that you don't know. Its really not going to make you feel any better. Its best to try to connect with people that you do know if they are a good person.
Please help me Dr Fox. My family keeps abandoning me as a punishment due to my BPD. They block me on phone, texts and emails as. Well as my boyfriend's 10 phones where he works. My sister leaves me in agony as to whether or not I can see my baby niece again. We had an argument with my 2 year old niece at her house She.called and told her daughter so I will be punished from seeing my baby niece. My sister and brother neglect and abuse me as well as their kids. My last therapist said my sister, her daughter and son blockng me from all calls, texts and emails is hurting my BPD so I can't make progress. I have no friends but my family is so cruel and controlling using my 2 year old niece as a punishment if I don't do everything she and her daughter want me too. I can't take the pain any more. My therapist is just learning BPD and wanted to see my sister with me but my sister is a narc and can NEVER be told she is wrong. Please help me.
I have nobody. I tried, I joined so many things & never made a friend. So hard. Try so hard to get well & always get rejected. Now with lockdown completely isolated. I feel like going crazy & no matter what I do I just can’t make friends. :(
I'm from the Houston area and have never been diagnosed with anything as I've never had the funds to see a doctor, but from watching just a couple of your videos I think I have BPD. I have all the issues you speak of and my loneliness started, I'm sure, before the age of 5. Trying to escape what I thought were external issues, I eventually left the country in search of an easier and more survivable life as dealing with such basic life issues in the US had my nerves wired for high voltage. I could barely afford to have a roof over my head and feed myself, plus with all my mental issues.... I now find myself in Turkey, living in a very well-to-do neighborhood and slowly .... slowly healing ..... at the age of 52. I read the book "The Body Keeps The Score," recommended by my sister, and could relate to everything in it. And, of course, all those issues I was escaping by coming here followed me because they were never external but internal. Now my new husband has to put up with all my mental quirks, but he is very patient. Being a helpless introvert in an extremely social culture is, at best, uncomfortable, but the people are good and kind and helpful if I need help. I don't think they have ever met one before, though. I'm wondering if introversion is caused by childhood neglect..... Thanks for the videos.
I haven’t had a friend in over ten years. I stutter and can’t find a person not bothered by that and that would accept me. Don’t even remember what having a friend feels like
I can't wait to do that worksheet. I've been struggling to let more friends into my life instead of turning to love addiction again. Thank you for this video. 💚
And with that importance of face-to-face connection last year they took away all my resources including in-person therapy. Indefinitely, without warning. It was extremely cruel. I came very close to suicide last year.
I find it difficult finding people to connect to who want to stick around or i only see them once and then just get ghosted from then on, even if they report that they had a good time. Had this issue since my 20s and i'm nearly 25 and very lonely. Got to a point that i was so starved from connection i was vulnerable to creeps and was assaulted, i even allowed myself to put up with abuse and control from my boyfriend. I tried so hard to connect with people who should be healthier for me but if it fails then i return to the same toxic people. I can go a long time without company and be alone and for some periods i enjoy it because i can redirect my focus on hobbies but we all need connection.
I am now so lonely as I’m alone after being married 28 years . But I never felt lonelier being trapped in a marriage to an abusive, negligent, cheating ,sadistic ,narcissist.
I have all the signs of BPD. I have suffered my entire life with feeling empty and the mood swings alone with total rage. I have gotten to the point I am afraid to go to public places. I want to make friends but i am too afraid I will be judged and once they know the real me they will leave. This why I always ruin any type of relationship romantic or otherwise. I completely understand. I just wish I would fade away and exist no more.
Hi Dr. Fox, I am especially grateful to you for your continued reassurance and “cheerleading “ (eg, ‘I do understand it’s hard, but you can do it!’)... I’ve struggled with loneliness most of my life, but truly sensing your presence rooting for me to get out of my BPD painful distorted emotions is some kind of powerful!!! Thank you so much for all you do.
I just want u to know u have a very positive vibe. Like, u come off as a genuinely good person. Ur vibe is very caring and like, in conversation, you’d be an active listener and like, you seem like you’d be very conscientious about how u come off but in a very genuinely caring and healthy way. Idk if this made sense but yea anyways props to u for that
Like you come off like you’re invested in what you do bc you actually care about ppl and it’s not coming from a self centered place of wanting others to perceive you as very smart. Like u come off as smart and well spoken anyways but u don’t need to prove it through any condescending body language, tone, subtle queues like that. And like u use very helpful and non-stigmatizing language and the way u talk about people with bpd feels very humanistic and not like, super overly clinical where it feels dehumanizing. Also again I hope this made sense lmao
THANKS for all your contributions to this community, you are so important man. The fact that youre willing to give us free information from a doctors perspective.. Idk where you csn find that anywwhre else. Thanj you.
Hate how I want to feel connected to the ppl who don’t need to feel connected to me and when they do or the ppl who want to feel connected with me, the moment I sense they do, I feel sick , like my stomach turns upside down and I turn rly cold towards to them or like I just need to get away from them , i feel broken
Wow, I think it’s loneliness that keeps me where I am, and it’s terrifying. I thought it was abandonment, but maybe it’s this. Your videos are brilliant. It’s very scary to watch and realise though. And I’m definitely in the 12 -18 category there.
GAAH. So scary to try and make connections. I got told by my pastor that I should be on the forefront of "getting to know people" because I'm so desperate for connection and feel so desperately lonely. But it's so much easier said than done.
This is very helpful. Thank you for explaining things and understanding this the way that many are not able to. I think it takes a special type of therapist to really understand these traits and how they developed.
My only problem is this feels unfair to other people. If the only thing that was affected was myself then maybe it's worth a shot, but if I'm going to burden other people with my disorder then it doesn't feel like the moral thing to do.
i’m just in a tough place because the only way i feel wanted is through physical intimacy, and super deep conversations. it’s like the only that makes me feel alive. but it’s not sustainable or realistic
I’m not a professional in this field but I certainly Have lived/currently living through the most dreadful, deep soul-searching, self criticizing Time of my life trying to figure out what is going on with my sweet loving beautiful wife who is so innocent in so many ways. I know that I went through a stage in life in my teens where I was able to recognize who my father was and my negative traits do to certain childhood experiences. After everything that I’ve learned and feel like I deserve a degree I cannot believe the absence of the idea of simply not being taught or reprimanded on your emotions and actions as a child. It just seems so obvious that if it is neverAddressed it will only get worse as you grow older out of confusion
I like your idea about writing who you have a connection with so that when I feel intensely lonely, I can remember that I'm not alone. I have bpd uk based.
I certainly understand the feeling and I think a good way to make connections is to find different interest areas or hobbies and pursue groups or even discussion boards. I wish you all the best.
When I was young I had lots of cousins and three brothers, neighborhood kids, school friends. Come to find out, my family is so toxic. Anyway-it’s harder as I age to keep connections. And I don’t want betrayed either, and people talk and judge. I don’t like that part. I’m pretty much a loner.
Thank you so much for doing what you do man, this video is a great one. I know all this stuff but it really helps to have someone who really understands to remind me, it's so easy to forget and to slip back into maladaptive ways. I hope this reaches you well man, greetings from 'sunny' Rochdale. :)
It's July 2022. I have BPD and i don't like people around, because I like being alone for loooong periods and also because I feel I don't have anything interesting to share . Now I've been detached from everyone since 2019. The thing with me is that I only want people around when I feel like it, and people is not sitting around to see when I call them. And when they can not feed my need of companionship because I don't let them in for a long time, then I feel extremely bad and abandoned. But cultivating relationships is too draining for me. It's a lot of energy I don't have.
Dr. Fox: I could not disagree more about loneliness being so much more difficult to deal with for BPD patients. I’m not sure you really get the full picture of just HOW MUCH loneliness we have dealt with since age 2-3. That developmental disconnect (aloneness) we have lived with for so many years certainly becomes intolerable after a while. So by “normal” standards, we have lived with so much more than anyone can possibly understand or have tolerated any better. I describe the loneliness and the BPD dilemma like being in an enormous completely unlit dark as night house sitting in a turret. The recovery process being to feel our way to the first light switch and the courage to open the first door and repeating the process all the way through the enormous house until the spiritual awakening or all the lights are on and having the courage to walk out that front door to the people who have cared and loved us who have been waiting for that moment to happen when we could connect at some reasonably palatable way with them and not scare the sh-t out of them with our neediness from having been trapped in that house for so long, fearful, terrified and alone with only the voice of our precious doctors and caregivers who have tried to guide us on that arduous journey. Into the sunlight, the fresh air, and the arms of others with our self-trust and all the other qualities we had to develop along the way. Does this make sense?? In fact, I’m so accustomed to being my own friend that at times it can get tiring to be around all the people in my life now. I need breaks from it all.😅. It’s just the way I have experienced this journey. Grateful to be alive and connected and needing all the wonderful love people have to offer and offering my own that was bestowed on me by men and woman like you who struggle along with us. There’s a special place in heaven for you and my precious doctors Klopper and Smith and their staff. God, I’m one fortunate old lady.
I have no friends. I am so lonely but yet I can’t make connections because I’m too forward and don’t know boundaries. I’m 33 now and doubt I’ll ever have friends or even one friend, it’s too late, and I’ve been like this for way too long.
So why do these people sabotage the relationships that would help them avoid being lonely? Why do they bury themselves in online gaming and endlessly playing on the computer? You speak of others "pulling away", but why do these people also "push people away"
chris skipper Probably bc due to what happened in their childhood. Personally I was made to feel like nothing was ever good enough and wasn’t given much attention. So that type of abuse is what you get used to and you think that is love . So when you have real love you feel like you are undeserving or unworthy of it or you question if it is real or when they are going to abandon you like others have. It’s a constant fear of being alone but not realizing it we tend to create what we fear the most. That’s why therapy is needed. I don’t have bpd but have “traits” as I was told but I completely relate to all of it.
My family and boyfriend were desperate for me to seek help and get diagnosed after years of suicide attempts. I've had my anger episodes, but overall I feel like I mainly internalise my feelings. I got diagnosed with BPD. My family have told me they want to move out, and my boyfriend has left me. Being diagnosed has made my life worse. I'm so unhappy and I want to die more than ever. I wish I never attempted suicide
Thank you so much for these videos. I appreciate this. Please keep them coming. I finished a complete DBT program. I understand DBT now, but still don’t understand my BPD. Starting to make the connection now.
This was painful to watch😢 So what I have to do is:" to get out and make connections." Like I've never tried. Like I am not trying everyday! Like if it was working. People dont give a curse about loners, they dont want to be involved with losers. There is a reality not even mentioned here: the isolation that creates a personality disorders like bpd. It is not just a feeling, or something you can fix by going to talking groups, associations,.., all the craps therapists always say to do: well this places are just gloomy and full of predators, and at the end you are still alone, just more tired and desperate. Living alone, 24hrs, year after year, getting older, poorer, weirder, in this hell of humanity, breaks you to the core. It is the worst torture an intelligent social primate can endure on a long period. And if you got no family, no work, not a friend, no love, no one, but some small talks in the streets with commercants or strangers.. You are doomed. I am. Sometimes it feels like there is a huge gap between therapy and reality. So many social factors are to be counted, and again no one can really change anything. Money would be the main one. Poverty is a huge factor of social exclusion. But I guess poorsies are not the target of any therapist. And its fair, especially in Dr Fox's case who already gives A LOT to pwbpd! Sorry for my whiny rant, its the end of the month, I have no more money, food, its sunny outside, people will go to the beach, have drinks with friends, family,...and it makes me sad and feeling shitty.
It’s “easier” to be empty and unfeeling than to have people around who will deregulate you
Preach 👍
@@advcrim77 I started putting myself out there again aggressively. Already had one pretty bad breakdown ngl. It hurts but I still feel like I have to do it.
@@Jestrath its a vicious cycle. Being alone might preserve your well being
@@advcrim77 being alone also destroys me. My wife is one if the only things that keeps me somewhat grounded.
Hi guys, how do people deregulate you? I hope my question is not too personal but I want to understand more and deeper the borderline personality disorder
I wish there were therapists like you in every city/country. Most therapists just give general advice for depression/anxiety, like exercise, routine, etc. Or some basic relationship counseling. It hardly helps deal with such chronic conditions.
This is so true!
I completely agree, I’ve had many therapists and they all basically cycle through these basic advices. Out of around 6 therapists I only really felt like 1 one them actually helped and touched my heart.
@Ari Jappendi Not everyone has best intentions and desire to help. That's a personal quality
I agree 👍 💯 I found myself Feeling discouraged not having any professional therapist in my city who wants to work with someone with B.P.D . In my opinion it makes me feel even lonelier , because I feel like I'm talking to a wall 🧱
when I explain things ,when I need answers, one ear and out the other.. I was told I should receive ECT TREATMENT 🤦♀️ for my client Depression .. Honestly my many reason for my depression is Caused by B.P.D 🤷♀️
I was a loner and bullied growing up and it's carried on throughout my adult life. It's hard to imagine a solution when this is the way it is and always has been. I cry thinking about how different my life could be if I'd had a normal social life growing up v.s. struggling with mental health.
I know I'm cursed because I don't want to be normal, I want to be weird and selfish.. but nobody can see in Gray!! Especially for women in their prime, it's all bend over for them woe is their problems and I need to just man up with my issues... Apparently. One of the biggest f****** waste well, I've definitely lived at least for my and kiss some girls and been to strip clubs and other stuff online but, yeah definitely why the hell was I such a great physical shape just because it felt good and it helped me survive high school?! Pretty much, I just don't see the point in trying if I'm super cursed and I don't even know when it'll be start going downhill, I've had to be in a golden age to prevent absolutely crippling depression, being the Golden age of something pretty much all times, or else I have nothing....
@@Dman9fpI understand. I have no idea how will I cope with aging.
If you are looking for a sign not to end your life this is it.
I love you. Stay strong ❤️
I’m not afraid of relationships being taken away, I just don’t feel comfortable around strangers. I feel judged or like I’m drowning making small talk with people or like I always say too much.
Thank you for this though. This is something I’ve been struggling with for a while now.
The work you do on bpd is so so appreciated
I dealt with loneliness by pushing everyone away and spending as much time as possible alone. I feel threatened by people and don't want to hurt them either so it's better to be alone.
I feel lonely even when I spend time with people... I also have social anxiety 😥
Same, I'd rather feel lonely by just being with myself rather feeling rejected when surrounded by others.
lala me too
I have BPD and social anxiety BIG TIME. Life pretty much sucks.
@@Partycitybaex I’m with you
bpd + gay + introvert
Hello Dr. Fox, I just wanted to let you know that your book hugely affected my life. I felt seen, understood, and like I had a way out of BPD. After being diagnosed and no psychologist or therapist wanting to see me or understanding bpd, my partner and I thought there was almost no way to get better. But when we started watching your videos and working through your workbook, I started identifying my problems/patterns and have improved exponentially this year. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your videos and your work. Thank you for all you do!
Your story is very similar to mine and I have found Dr Fox and his workbook this year. I can feel authentic happiness, calm and contentment for one of the first times in my life 😁
sizzlenbacon512 that is terrific news and I’m so proud that you’re doing so great and beating BPD!! Be well.
I definitely need to read his book(s)
I'm so happy for you! 😍
I've always been an introvert, doing things on my own and that made me detached from people. I don't get attached to anyone at all. I barely make friends and if I do, I never text them. If we go separate ways, I don't feel anything at all. There are only 2-3 people that I text and those are people I've been friends for more than 10 years. I made myself alone and part of me interpreted this as ''ha, I'll never be abandoned because I don't get attached''. And it's true. Because I abandon people first. And it's just as bad.
This reads so realistically genuine and authentic. I don't have BPD, but I certainly relate to what you've written here, except that I wasn't always this way. I became this way as an adult in my later 30s/early 40s, probably because I score almost exactly in the middle of the spectrum between introvert and extrovert.
I don't get attached to adults anymore not because of abandonment fears, but because I so rarely come across people who are empathetic, decent human beings in the city where I live. When I moved here is when I gave up on connecting with people, whereas that had never before happened in my life.
Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts so sincerely and beautiful. I appreciate you. You've given me some things to think about.
I’ve realized that I’ve been around people that don’t accept me as if I express my own opinions or needs. Specifically my family and then my ex wife and now my girlfriend that’s gone although she at times was more open to me expressing my own opinions and boundaries. My ex wife just got made if I expressed my needs. It would nice to feel safe enough in a relationship to communicate about things without it going south or the relationship ending.
I've never felt connected to my family or anyone else as far back as I can remember. I've always wondered what makes me so different from the rest of the human population. It's so damn painful.
I realized this as well
Its like no matter how I'm acting my inner self just observing from a fence
I realized
From the way People talk
it is obvious to them that what they think matters that's why they're so confident, they really believe that
And for me that is not the case
I work, I used to do voluntary work, I used to sing in a choir etc etc. I quit everything because I was giving more than I was receiving. I never belong. Nobody cares whether I am involved or otherwise even if I am the loudest. I feel transparent. The more I am with people, the lonelier I feel. I prefer staying alone... it is less painful.
The wall to a social life->Social Anxiety
This is an excellent topic Dr Foxx. Loneliness is absolutely a complex thing I struggle with. At times, a sense of loneliness comes over me when I'm surrounded by people. When I should feel connected, sometimes I don't. I myself like to spend a great deal of my time alone.
I struggle hugely with having confidence in the idea that my friends actually care for me or even like me. I always feel like people feel differently then they're showing me. I'm always questioning the loyalty of others and whether or not they can be trusted.
I think BPD has a lot to do with one's ability to trust others and trust themselves to handle what others may do.
Lack of trust in myself is huge because I'm always questioning if I'm reading a situation through a distorted lense.
Your videos are the best in this subject on all of TH-cam. Thank you so much. Please keep them coming!
Tasha Hocking I can totally relate to you!!!
That's exactly how I feel. I can't trust my intuitions, because they are often completely wrong
I bought 3 ponies a couple of years ago, for this reason. Not only do they come running to me, but they give me a topic to talk about at all times with people, the connect me to my horse friends and rider friends with whom I can hang out when I want to. My decision. Outdoor time daily they give me. Blessed are we country people for this reason. A farmer keeps my ponies on his meadows, I need to connect with him, too, for logistic reasons.
Bless you and your ponies❤
You are right, I desperately want to live in the country side, near trees, fields, woods, rivers. Even if it's in a little trailer. I miss so much living with a dog.
But now I am kind of stucked in a huge crowded city, in a tiny studio rented by some ngo for the crazies/homeless/or migrants( after the death of my dog❤, years ago, I went crazy, tried to end my life, failed, losed my flat, became homeless..and the pandemic came.).
I like having a roof over my head, litteraly, I live under the roof and I can see the skies, birds, I've put plants I love..it is fine.
But getting out is hard, the streets, the PEOPLE, I have to prepare like a warrior before I go. And then my anxiety, fears, anger, hardcore feeling of solitude, seeing couples, families, men I find attractive..all this desperates me to the core, cause I only can sit and watch them, taking some sun, til I feel I must go home..cause what else could I do. I dont work anymore, I am weird, and I am way too scared of rejection.
The only jobs I liked and did a lot were working in the fields, picking fruits, gardner, ..but it was when I was a young wanderer with his dog.
I am/feel trapped. Like in a spider web. The city I live in is a beautiful sunny city on the Mediterranean coast of the south of France, sounds like a dream, it is not, it is crowded, globalized, polluted, violent, expensive..
I used to walk the sea, crossing the city, everyday, to swim and pray, I dont anymore, people give me too much bad feelings, I feel oppressed, some make me very inconfortable or so angry or painfully sad..and I must leave, to hide.
So I recluse myself most of the time. I dont see no one personally, or its rare and for some emergency help and its more charity than anything else. I am 37, it has been like this for a long time, I feel bad for being in my bed at 6.30 pm, already ready to end the day watching yt and smoking joints with guilt and shame. I hear my normal neighbors having parties, children laughing, I hear the life outside. I know people are all around, it is crazy.
It is not nice.
If I were in the countryside, all I hear would be nature..and I would be with dogs.
In the city, the confrontation with so many people is brutal, if you have no one to really talk with or share moments, the feeling of loneliness and of being not good enough, broken, is multiplicated by 1000.
I'm in a period of my life right now where the loneliness is just consuming me. I really value my solitude but once it reaches loneliness, I just can't handle it. Even just the thought of going out to meet friends is terrifying... I just stay home most of the time because I can't even be alone out in public because I feel like I'm being watched and judged. The paranoia eventually fully sets in and I just go back home. I no longer enjoy being out like I used to. I'm just numb and empty. 😔
Can relate to this. I'm in the same position 😔
@@Soderberget really? I'm sorry to hear that, I'm here for you 🙏🏼
I had the same since many years. If you hidd yourself because you scare or you feel disconfort around people, break the circle now. Cause in the future nothing will change. Find you à good friend you can talking with :) theres no shame to be alone and to be sensitiv person but stay alert for your soul.
Develloped so many résistance for protect i woud die. Hated every part of my mind or what i tought to be.. now i just respect me and let it go even i suffer, doesnt mean i overcome but some tools helped me to go trought step by step. just respect you. :) im here if you want to talk..
I'm so relieved and thankful to find other people who suffer from the symptoms and traumatic child hood trama.
You seem like a very kind hearted person and I'd actually love to email. I'm not a creep. If communicating could help you then say so. I'll post email. Peace🎆
Email?
I was a lonely child. I only had my dad who worked two full-time jobs and a few friends. My mother and 3 siblings were hostile. I thought that I was really close to my cousins growing up but when we grew up they all just moved away and when I see them they hardly remember my name which hurts really bad. I really loved them. All my life as a child and teenager I thought they loved me like I loved them. I am 63 now and crippled relationally . I have been married 30 years but my husband also raised himself and we settled on a peaceful life of mutual pity and isolation. We do not know how to have close personal relationships that are nontoxic. I bought your workbook that I plan to start working on soon and I am looking for a personal counselor and also a grief counselor at the behest of our marriage counselor.
My heart goes out to you both. Loneliness is terrible. I hope you get the support and love you need 🥰
Even though I live alone, I don't have loneliness I have my books my music and my wonderful piano! That's all I need plus my portfolio that's all I need!
I think its important to learn to differentiate between loneliness and/or the abandonement wound.
How can you differentiate between the two?
God, I'm feeling so much loneliness right now it feels like the world is spitting me out... I feel so so so cursed with this forsaken disorder :(...
ive gotten so lonely to the point where im screaming and crying for my boyfriend to come see me, and the feeling of desperation is spot on
i cried the whole time while watching this video. Thank you for putting into the words the things i never could
You’re very welcome and I want to encourage you to stay the course on the journey to grow beyond your BPD.
I’m lonely ...thanks great video as always
Thank you so much Dr. Fox. Your videos help me in understanding myself and your non-judgemental attitude is really what people with BPD need.
Im afraid to go to therapy bc im scared i will get attached to or be attracted to my therapist...being able to access higher quality info from my own home has really been a life saver. I just left an abusive relationship of 5 years and i am really motivated to improve my mental state...your videos offer so much clarity, insight, validation and tools...thanks Dr.Fox
I cannot agree more. The lack of connection is the core issue that makes me feel the worst. Every situation or a relationship that makes me feel connected usually helps to deal with difficult issues in life, they get easier. Lack of connection somehow freezes me up.
I used to feel connected and loved,even by Women at times now I feel like I am on a different planet or marooned on a island so far fram everyone...I feel like a leper,totally disgusting,weird,inadequate unwanted and hopeless......Zero reason to keep living like this...I am 44 and life passed Me by
I can relate
SCAN IMAL me too .. I am feeling the same
I never feel lonely and I never feel bored because I have no awareness of time passing.
*squeeze hugs* you're worthy of love
@@dayna29866 I appreciate the kind words but after 44 years reality has not shown that-I bring no value to this world and death is the only light at the end of My tunnel
Having just gotten out of a serious relationship, this is especially challenging. I understand learning to cope with being alone is something highly useful and beneficial, but having one person there basically 24/7 to having occasional interactions when your brain automatically goes to "oh i should tell her about this" only to realize you can't... It's really difficult.
There right now, how are you doing?
I don't know if I have BPD but I still find these video's content very helpful...
Thank you, thank you Dr Fox 🙏 you are the first professional I have come across after 21 years of therapy, who has been able to describe and put into words exactly how I feel and what is the root of my struggles - I didn’t even know how to explain my own feelings or understand them 🤔 I found your channel after a good psychiatrist finally diagnosed me with BPD traits earlier this year 🧐 I am already diagnosed with ADHD and complex-PTSD. Your videos, descriptions, explanations and working through your fabulous work book 📖 is taking away the initial stigma I felt and I am now able to have real confidence, love and compassion for myself, for the first time ever 💕
Just in time like always. Excellent advice. I have not got any meaningful connections in my life and for the past 2 years have been unable able to get out the house however this video really makes me want to try. Thanks mate
My triggers are not feeling part of the family and any negative comments about my weight I’m so happy I found you because you really are an expert on BPD and you give me hope and I’m doing everything you suggest so I appreciate your help thank you so much
i am writing notes while watching all your videos. thank you so much. you’re helping me so much on my healing journey
read a bunch of BPD loneliness articles and videos, this one was the first one that actually made sense and motivated me. thanx
It doesn't matter how bad my mood is- I always finish your videos feeling better than I did before I started them. ☺️ You come off as so genuine and I love that about you. Thank you for doing what you do, Dr. Fox. You really are a gem. 💜✨
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Aww that’s sad. I was mostly alone between 12-16 years old and it’s true, the feeling of being alone, lonely and wanting someone stuck with me. I’m 31 now and I still feel the same
I’m so sorry. I hope you find a community you can connect with.
I gain so much from this channel, I feel so much less alone and less pressure on myself listening to these videos.
How do we deal with being irritable and pushing people away? A lot of the examples of people trying to connect with me that you mentioned I often feel apathetic or even irritated about, yet I struggle with loneliness.
Thank you so much for your wonderful videos
That's me!!
I feel very unconnected a lot, even though I am married and have a great support system. It isnt that I don't get enough attention, it's just that I flip that switch, and go "numb".
Im blessed enough to have a spouse that has attended many therapy sessions to help me, especially in times such as those. I often seek out drugs or rely on self harm to feel again. My wife is capable of communicating effectively with me and making certain that we do more activities together during those times. It doesnt fix it, but it helps greatly.
Sounds good! Step 1 is still getting out of bed and that is next to impossible covered in self harm scars.
Dr I am from India and I must say you genuinely care about your patients ...I like your videos very much makes me feel I m not totally weirdo and a lost case ❤️
THANK YOU for this video DR.FOX. I am in a pit of lonliness and withdrawal. You are so helpful with my BPD. No Doctors specialize in BPD here where I live. And regular Therapists just Do Not get Me bcuz they don't know much about treatment of it.
So God Bless you. I needed this one. Keep an comin'
im going through an extreme period od lonliness, so thank you for this. you always seem to know when i need something most even tho neither of us know eachother
Sending you a hug, Kelly.x
I am not diagnosed with BPD but I have recently discovered that I have some basic issues on that spectrum. This particular issue is a hot button for me. Your channel-though more technical than many people could understand (I had trouble at first until I discovered what terms such as “co-morbid” meant)-is a breath of fresh air.
Dr . Fox your voice, face and attentiveness is so comforting in facing this dillemma. I believe im finally ready to accept what im dealing with and overcome this cycle in life. Im ready to be a part of breaking the cycle and loving myself enough to not hurt anyone under the guise of my own confusions and insecurities.
Relatable! And one thing I cannot stand is being in a room of people or with one person and they are on their phone while I am sitting there hoping they'll put it down and share genuine connection. When you first get to know someone, they are on their phone less when in your presence, but as time goes on, I find they go back to their social media high and I go back to feeling lonely and unworthy.
Well I agree with your theory, as a very long time bpd sufferer, I find it difficult to imagine making new connections
Dr fox is so loving and empathetic when he speaks about us I really love his videos
I really hate it when i say that i'm lonely that people say I just have to surround me with people... my lonelyness stms from beeing treated as a outcast most of my life and not having that partner you can really have a connection with... I'm beeing lonely for almost 10 years now... and nomatter what I try i cannot get a partner
The video and channel is a true gem
Does anyone find It painful when you go outside Alone e.g. to the cinema, to go for a walk in the city centre and find people either in couples or together, being able to make plans with others, having support and company in others ? I'm not talking about envy or jealousy here, rather sheer frustration, thinking...why can't that be me?
I've been soooo deeply hurt, and still am, by a substancial amount of people - people that should have been trustworthy (whether it's in partners - romantic relationships, family, relatives, "friends", ...)
95% of the people I've met have let me down inmensely, or betrayed me, or taken advantage of me, or abused me, so it's very difficult for me to trust - which makes the inner void and emptiness even deeper and more unbearable
I feel like this all the time. With the warmer weather I am out and about more and I get so tense and a desperate envy descends on me when I see beautiful couples and happy looking families. It makes me have thoughts of inferiority and rejection. It feels like being the last person picked for the sports team in elementary school, without being picked though.
@@latenitetubing I feel you so much, feeling like this at the moment too, even though I have a couple but having been psychologically abused by all my family members, betrayed by friends, plus I work on my own so I don't have coworkers), it's quite a lonely experience altogether...
I can't help feeling somewhat resentful towards life, I guess everyone would in this situation
Thank you Dr. Fox for all you do for those suffering with bpd. 🙏
In these days of social isolation due to Corona virus social media is the only way to support others or feel supported. 12 weeks isolation when you live alone is very daunting.
I am the embodiment of loneliness. Added to my borderline disorder, I have physical diseases. It's been 7 years now that I am stuck in my bed most of the time. I am disabled to the point that I can't work at all. I dont have many friends, and I dont really see them since they all live in different cities and have busy lives (or are ill just like me and cant come and see me). I used to have a lot of sexfriends to balance my isolation. I am a total outsider, out of every society track. It's demential how lonely I am in my extreme body suffering and my disconnected mind. My life has always been cursed since my youngest years. And I cant do anything to fix this now. I guess it's how it was supposed to be. Even if I expected better for me and from my untapped potential.
I apologize if I did some language mistakes, english isnt my native language, and because of my diseases, I have never been able to go to college. Which I would have loved to.
Sappho, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your struggle or your pain. I hope things get better for you and for all of us who are afflicted and suffering. Be well. P.S~ You did wonderful with your spelling and grammar. I never would have known that english is not your first language. Best wishes. Lisa
Is it normal to never wanting responsibilities and wanting to go back when I was a kid/teenager ? The only thing I want in life right now is go back in time (80's) and just stay there. I'm 44yrs now. I'm so miserable in this time of life.
Dr Fox, thank you for making this video. What you mentioned is exactly what I feel and what I needed. I find comfort in people that I can connect to and there are not many I can connect to. I find extreme comfort in my FP and this connection is addictive and I always get addicted to it. Once it’s broken I get withdrawal symptoms and not easy to find a substitutes since people with BPD were extremely selective.
FP?
You are not only a huge breath of air to take in, but an inspiration. Thank you for the validation and words of wisdom. You are making a long needed impact on this world with what you are doing. Big love sent your way. 🙏
Ive spent most of my life as though Ive been forced into solitary confinement. When I had a car I could at least get out and about safetly. Add poverty to this and its getting to be a death sentence.
I get ya
That's my life in a nutshell. I used to have a car too and now I don't. I really hope things have changed for you in the last two years. The solitary confinement is unbearable
Thank you so much you make me feel so understood every time, I want to shove these videos into everyone around me’s faces so they understand what I usually go through
Who wants to try to go out there and connect with a bunch of strangers that you don't know. Its really not going to make you feel any better. Its best to try to connect with people that you do know if they are a good person.
Please help me Dr
Fox. My family keeps abandoning me as a punishment due to my BPD. They block me on phone, texts and emails as. Well as my boyfriend's 10 phones where he works. My sister leaves me in agony as to whether or not I can see my baby niece again. We had an argument with my 2 year old niece at her house
She.called and told her daughter so I will be punished from seeing my baby niece. My sister and brother neglect and abuse me as well as their kids. My last therapist said my sister, her daughter and son blockng me from all calls, texts and emails is hurting my BPD so I can't make progress. I have no friends but my family is so cruel and controlling using my 2 year old niece as a punishment if I don't do everything she and her daughter want me too. I can't take the pain any more. My therapist is just learning BPD and wanted to see my sister with me but my sister is a narc and can NEVER be told she is wrong. Please help me.
But sometimes I find comfort in being alone and not having to worry about anything else anymore.
I have nobody. I tried, I joined so many things & never made a friend. So hard. Try so hard to get well & always get rejected. Now with lockdown completely isolated. I feel like going crazy & no matter what I do I just can’t make friends. :(
I'm from the Houston area and have never been diagnosed with anything as I've never had the funds to see a doctor, but from watching just a couple of your videos I think I have BPD. I have all the issues you speak of and my loneliness started, I'm sure, before the age of 5.
Trying to escape what I thought were external issues, I eventually left the country in search of an easier and more survivable life as dealing with such basic life issues in the US had my nerves wired for high voltage. I could barely afford to have a roof over my head and feed myself, plus with all my mental issues....
I now find myself in Turkey, living in a very well-to-do neighborhood and slowly .... slowly healing ..... at the age of 52. I read the book "The Body Keeps The Score," recommended by my sister, and could relate to everything in it. And, of course, all those issues I was escaping by coming here followed me because they were never external but internal. Now my new husband has to put up with all my mental quirks, but he is very patient.
Being a helpless introvert in an extremely social culture is, at best, uncomfortable, but the people are good and kind and helpful if I need help. I don't think they have ever met one before, though. I'm wondering if introversion is caused by childhood neglect.....
Thanks for the videos.
I haven’t had a friend in over ten years. I stutter and can’t find a person not bothered by that and that would accept me. Don’t even remember what having a friend feels like
I can't wait to do that worksheet. I've been struggling to let more friends into my life instead of turning to love addiction again. Thank you for this video. 💚
And with that importance of face-to-face connection last year they took away all my resources including in-person therapy. Indefinitely, without warning. It was extremely cruel. I came very close to suicide last year.
I find it difficult finding people to connect to who want to stick around or i only see them once and then just get ghosted from then on, even if they report that they had a good time. Had this issue since my 20s and i'm nearly 25 and very lonely. Got to a point that i was so starved from connection i was vulnerable to creeps and was assaulted, i even allowed myself to put up with abuse and control from my boyfriend. I tried so hard to connect with people who should be healthier for me but if it fails then i return to the same toxic people. I can go a long time without company and be alone and for some periods i enjoy it because i can redirect my focus on hobbies but we all need connection.
I am now so lonely as I’m alone after being married 28 years . But I never felt lonelier being trapped in a marriage to an abusive, negligent, cheating ,sadistic ,narcissist.
You sound very strong. I admire that, be well and stay safe.
I have all the signs of BPD. I have suffered my entire life with feeling empty and the mood swings alone with total rage. I have gotten to the point I am afraid to go to public places. I want to make friends but i am too afraid I will be judged and once they know the real me they will leave. This why I always ruin any type of relationship romantic or otherwise. I completely understand. I just wish I would fade away and exist no more.
Hi Dr. Fox, I am especially grateful to you for your continued reassurance and “cheerleading “ (eg, ‘I do understand it’s hard, but you can do it!’)... I’ve struggled with loneliness most of my life, but truly sensing your presence rooting for me to get out of my BPD painful distorted emotions is some kind of powerful!!! Thank you so much for all you do.
When I was six years old my stepmother left me in a doorway with a note saying not wanted.....
Wow!! God bless you
I love mods too. ;)
I just want u to know u have a very positive vibe. Like, u come off as a genuinely good person. Ur vibe is very caring and like, in conversation, you’d be an active listener and like, you seem like you’d be very conscientious about how u come off but in a very genuinely caring and healthy way. Idk if this made sense but yea anyways props to u for that
Like you come off like you’re invested in what you do bc you actually care about ppl and it’s not coming from a self centered place of wanting others to perceive you as very smart. Like u come off as smart and well spoken anyways but u don’t need to prove it through any condescending body language, tone, subtle queues like that. And like u use very helpful and non-stigmatizing language and the way u talk about people with bpd feels very humanistic and not like, super overly clinical where it feels dehumanizing. Also again I hope this made sense lmao
In these lockdown times many people have issues. With or without BPD.
Your advice and to reach out to other people is of course sound. But I have such social awkwardness that it's impossible....
THANKS for all your contributions to this community, you are so important man. The fact that youre willing to give us free information from a doctors perspective.. Idk where you csn find that anywwhre else. Thanj you.
Hate how I want to feel connected to the ppl who don’t need to feel connected to me and when they do or the ppl who want to feel connected with me, the moment I sense they do, I feel sick , like my stomach turns upside down and I turn rly cold towards to them or like I just need to get away from them , i feel broken
Wow, I think it’s loneliness that keeps me where I am, and it’s terrifying. I thought it was abandonment, but maybe it’s this. Your videos are brilliant. It’s very scary to watch and realise though. And I’m definitely in the 12 -18 category there.
GAAH. So scary to try and make connections. I got told by my pastor that I should be on the forefront of "getting to know people" because I'm so desperate for connection and feel so desperately lonely. But it's so much easier said than done.
This is very helpful. Thank you for explaining things and understanding this the way that many are not able to. I think it takes a special type of therapist to really understand these traits and how they developed.
My only problem is this feels unfair to other people. If the only thing that was affected was myself then maybe it's worth a shot, but if I'm going to burden other people with my disorder then it doesn't feel like the moral thing to do.
i’m just in a tough place because the only way i feel wanted is through physical intimacy, and super deep conversations. it’s like the only that makes me feel alive. but it’s not sustainable or realistic
Waking up to this was greatly appreciated thank you dr. Fox
I’m not a professional in this field but I certainly Have lived/currently living through the most dreadful, deep soul-searching, self criticizing Time of my life trying to figure out what is going on with my sweet loving beautiful wife who is so innocent in so many ways. I know that I went through a stage in life in my teens where I was able to recognize who my father was and my negative traits do to certain childhood experiences. After everything that I’ve learned and feel like I deserve a degree I cannot believe the absence of the idea of simply not being taught or reprimanded on your emotions and actions as a child. It just seems so obvious that if it is neverAddressed it will only get worse as you grow older out of confusion
I like your idea about writing who you have a connection with so that when I feel intensely lonely, I can remember that I'm not alone. I have bpd uk based.
I am so glad that you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
Making connections is easier when you're younger. Now I'm nearing 50 it's so much harder. I don't think my loneliness will ever go!
I certainly understand the feeling and I think a good way to make connections is to find different interest areas or hobbies and pursue groups or even discussion boards. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you, I do find that difficult to do, but I'll try.
When I was young I had lots of cousins and three brothers, neighborhood kids, school friends.
Come to find out, my family is so toxic.
Anyway-it’s harder as I age to keep connections. And I don’t want betrayed either, and people talk and judge. I don’t like that part.
I’m pretty much a loner.
Really grateful that you make these videos & worksheets. So helpful. Thank you
Thank you so much for doing what you do man, this video is a great one. I know all this stuff but it really helps to have someone who really understands to remind me, it's so easy to forget and to slip back into maladaptive ways. I hope this reaches you well man, greetings from 'sunny' Rochdale. :)
It's July 2022. I have BPD and i don't like people around, because I like being alone for loooong periods and also because I feel I don't have anything interesting to share . Now I've been detached from everyone since 2019. The thing with me is that I only want people around when I feel like it, and people is not sitting around to see when I call them. And when they can not feed my need of companionship because I don't let them in for a long time, then I feel extremely bad and abandoned. But cultivating relationships is too draining for me. It's a lot of energy I don't have.
As someone with bpd I can sum our problem in three words "lack of love"
Thank you for opening up about your experience with BPD. Your courage to share will help others feel less alone in their struggles.
Can you please explain why there are so few therapists who can deal with PD’s like Borderline?
Dr. Fox:
I could not disagree more about loneliness being so much more difficult to deal with for BPD patients. I’m not sure you really get the full picture of just HOW MUCH loneliness we have dealt with since age 2-3. That developmental disconnect (aloneness) we have lived with for so many years certainly becomes intolerable after a while. So by “normal” standards, we have lived with so much more than anyone can possibly understand or have tolerated any better. I describe the loneliness and the BPD dilemma like being in an enormous completely unlit dark as night house sitting in a turret. The recovery process being to feel our way to the first light switch and the courage to open the first door and repeating the process all the way through the enormous house until the spiritual awakening or all the lights are on and having the courage to walk out that front door to the people who have cared and loved us who have been waiting for that moment to happen when we could connect at some reasonably palatable way with them and not scare the sh-t out of them with our neediness from having been trapped in that house for so long, fearful, terrified and alone with only the voice of our precious doctors and caregivers who have tried to guide us on that arduous journey. Into the sunlight, the fresh air, and the arms of others with our self-trust and all the other qualities we had to develop along the way. Does this make sense?? In fact, I’m so accustomed to being my own friend that at times it can get tiring to be around all the people in my life now. I need breaks from it all.😅. It’s just the way I have experienced this journey. Grateful to be alive and connected and needing all the wonderful love people have to offer and offering my own that was bestowed on me by men and woman like you who struggle along with us. There’s a special place in heaven for you and my precious doctors Klopper and Smith and their staff. God, I’m one fortunate old lady.
Good one. Sometimes I start using social media as you described. It is a shot of dopamine. Very short lived. Thanks for this video.
I have no friends. I am so lonely but yet I can’t make connections because I’m too forward and don’t know boundaries. I’m 33 now and doubt I’ll ever have friends or even one friend, it’s too late, and I’ve been like this for way too long.
So why do these people sabotage the relationships that would help them avoid being lonely? Why do they bury themselves in online gaming and endlessly playing on the computer? You speak of others "pulling away", but why do these people also "push people away"
chris skipper Probably bc due to what happened in their childhood. Personally I was made to feel like nothing was ever good enough and wasn’t given much attention. So that type of abuse is what you get used to and you think that is love . So when you have real love you feel like you are undeserving or unworthy of it or you question if it is real or when they are going to abandon you like others have. It’s a constant fear of being alone but not realizing it we tend to create what we fear the most. That’s why therapy is needed. I don’t have bpd but have “traits” as I was told but I completely relate to all of it.
amazing person helping me through a lot of what i dont understand, thank you so much dr
+Pc.amazing you’re very welcome. Stay strong.
Thankyou Dr Fox I needed too hear this .
My family and boyfriend were desperate for me to seek help and get diagnosed after years of suicide attempts. I've had my anger episodes, but overall I feel like I mainly internalise my feelings.
I got diagnosed with BPD. My family have told me they want to move out, and my boyfriend has left me. Being diagnosed has made my life worse. I'm so unhappy and I want to die more than ever. I wish I never attempted suicide
Please stay strong!
How are you doing now?
Thank you so much for these videos. I appreciate this. Please keep them coming. I finished a complete DBT program. I understand DBT now, but still don’t understand my BPD. Starting to make the connection now.
This was painful to watch😢
So what I have to do is:" to get out and make connections."
Like I've never tried.
Like I am not trying everyday!
Like if it was working.
People dont give a curse about loners, they dont want to be involved with losers.
There is a reality not even mentioned here: the isolation that creates a personality disorders like bpd. It is not just a feeling, or something you can fix by going to talking groups, associations,.., all the craps therapists always say to do: well this places are just gloomy and full of predators, and at the end you are still alone, just more tired and desperate.
Living alone, 24hrs, year after year, getting older, poorer, weirder, in this hell of humanity, breaks you to the core. It is the worst torture an intelligent social primate can endure on a long period.
And if you got no family, no work, not a friend, no love, no one, but some small talks in the streets with commercants or strangers..
You are doomed.
I am.
Sometimes it feels like there is a huge gap between therapy and reality. So many social factors are to be counted, and again no one can really change anything. Money would be the main one.
Poverty is a huge factor of social exclusion.
But I guess poorsies are not the target of any therapist.
And its fair, especially in Dr Fox's case who already gives A LOT to pwbpd!
Sorry for my whiny rant, its the end of the month, I have no more money, food, its sunny outside, people will go to the beach, have drinks with friends, family,...and it makes me sad and feeling shitty.