When I moved to Japan from the Okanagan in Canada and eventually married my Japanese girlfriend it was around 1991. I knew nothing really about Japan and very little Japanese. I had dated Canadian ladies prior to this and had even lived with an English girl before settling down . My fiance asked me, " how much money would you like every month?" Thinking as a typical Canadian who had no knowledge of what she actually meant I told her "nothing, I'm good". My Canadian brain thinking if I needed money I would just use my debit card. LoL- LOL, oh God, LOL. We were married well over ten years and it was always a struggle to live that way. Anytime I had to ask for an allowance she would always reproachfully say, " You told me you didn't need money". She would always relent of course but always give me the bare minimum amount that I would need. For example, if I were going out to bonenkai with students or co-workers I would be lucky to get 5000¥ for the night. The Otosan, Okasan thing didn't bother me at all. Once my son was born I was 100% onboard with being dad. There are so many other differences though in these Canadian/Japanese relationships that you just really couldn't learn about back then in the pre-google or TH-cam world. I remember by the time I was getting married I spoke a little Japanese. I recall her father looking at our wedding photos and pointing at her traditional Japanese veil and asking me how to say it in English. After I told him he laughed and said its Japanese meaning is, " it hides her horns". Marry a Japanese lady and you will learn to understand. She runs/ manages the house. You are, as her husband, treated basically like a big child. What she says goes and you damn well better not cross her, trust me. The demure submissive Japanese lady thing is just public face and what she acts like through courtship- put a ring on her finger and you will find your lamb was a tiger in woolskin. Great video buddy.
Sounds like you should've set ground rules, had a long talk about what you both wanted before getting married, then again, like you said this was pre-youtube so what are you ganna do..If I ever get married I plan to --almost like a business contract -- lay out what I want and what is important to me and she can do the same, then we can come to an agreement that way these problems don't pop up in the future, I'd feel personally emasculated having a woman make me beg for my own money, you know what my allowance is !? My paycheck! lol
Hello Dave, I've been watching you for many years, since i was still in Japan (i came back in my home country 2 years ago). I want to say you that i love what you're doing, you continuing to be true to your core and your videos improved so much with time! Keep doing your amazing job. Anyway, i found this video really inspiring especially about your thought about community and the purpose that Japaneses find taking part of it. My wife is Japanese and i have 2 daughters but we don't really interact with each other in the Japanese way, more in the western way. Even if to be honest i had my share of conflict with my wife about our financial management ^^, now we respect our different opinion and way of thinking. And to answer your question, i think we all have different conditioning depending of the cultures, ideologies, peoples ... etc that shaped us from the instant when we were born to the present instant, we can't judge what is best or worse. As my opinion i would say that we aren't born with all those codes and social conditioning. Too much codes and rules restrict our freedom of thinking and freedom of taking action. We need codes so we can have a stable society and interact with a lot of people, but I think that Japan cultures is doing a bit too much, as many Japanese are afraid to express their emotions. In my mind Nordic countries have a good balance between society rules and freedom to follow your heart.
My ex-Japanese husband laundered thousands of dollars from our account and bought a handful of secret buildings, placing all the deeds solely in his name all due to silly me, entrusting him with our finances because at the time, I couldn’t read Japanese. I possibly had the longest divorce in Japan on record. A lost in the low court, and won in the high court, 5 1/2 years of monthly visits and I finally got my freedom back. This is my 20th year in Japan. I’ve seen everything. I’ve heard everything. I’m now a proud single mother running my own business. I love everything about Japan. I understand all aspects and agree with everything you said in your video. For me, and this is purely based on my experience here, I will only ever date someone who has experience the same cultural upbringing and has the same family values from herein. It’s just one less headache to deal with which sounds like a terrible thing to say since being in a relationship should be the complete opposite. I only dated Japanese men after arriving here and it was déjà vu and ground hog day over and over. You only get one chance at life. Never waste a single day of it. Good luck everyone!!
Last week, there were 10 or 15 elderly people in my daughter's local park, pulling weeds, raking the gravel, and doing other things that I don't usually pair with "elderly" activities. At first, I felt a little bad for them. But our neighbor said they clean it up every year. I thought that was really great...
Some of the points mentioned are quite interesting thank you for sharing. You may have covered this in the past, but is it possible for you to make a video discussing mental health views in Japan? I'm curious about how the broad culture handles issues relating to anxiety/depression. Your point about how being typically shy in Japan, but focusing on asserting your feelings also had me curious about how mental health is viewed in the context of a relationship. Btw the editing in your work is better and better!
It`s a good idea for a video. Although I would have to do some more research. All that I would have to go on currently is second-hand information as that`s all I`ve realy encountered so far. I haven`t ever had personal conversations with anyone about this. I am sure it would be really interesting.
Dave that's some quality cinematography and useful content. You really do deserve a lot more subscribers and views. I hope the channel sees a big boost soon. Keep up the great work!
Hi. I’ve been watching your films on-and-off for about 6 months. You always express your ideas and observations of Japanese culture with great articulation. It’s also nice to see someone continuously convey their experience and knowledge in an engaging way with neutral perspective. Next year I will emigrate to Japan (from the UK), with my wife of... nearly a decade, now :O. We intend to settle long-term, but trust me I will never call her anything other than her given name... and I seriously would never let ANYONE else manage my finances for me ;)
It's the same with the money in my country as well. You have a joint account with your wife and your salary goes there. She's the one who's in charge of the home banking client app and handles the bills. We have a saying that the husband might be the head of the household, but the wife is the neck and she decides which direction the head faces :) Which is pretty accurate, if you come to think of it.
hey a Dave video, that's what today needed. your videos are always calming. anyway ... it was often like that here in the US in earlier days, men didn't have time to deal with money & bills, I have to do it all myself but often I really don't have time. if I had a woman that could & would take care of money properly I'd let her do it. (though knowing what a mess things can become if suddenly have to do things & knowing nothing about what's going on I would keep an eye on it. I've seen tho many times one gets sick or dies leaving the other tho deal with things with no knowledge about what's going on, it's a mess.) btw, unless a person it's insanely rich you have tho live on a allowance anyway, it's just a matter of who dose the math to find out what's available for you to spend. I like the idea of being honest about of you're intending tho try to develop a relationship or not, though trying isn't the same as accomplishing & it may not work out it's better than spending 6months or longer them finding out you wasted you're time because the other person ruled you out and didn't say anything.
Honestly, this is one of the best videos I have seen of yours. Loved the background music. You are getting better Dave. Keep up the hard work. In Pakistan, we have the same kind of culture where the man handsover the money to his wife. But people are changing thier way of thinking because most of the big cities in Pakistan, families where women earn, couples are dividing their expenses. No, we do not have the culture of calling each other 'mama' or 'papa' but instead they call each other my their nicknames( that is a couple thing in Pakistan).
Great Video once again, never heard of the first two things and I definitely was surprised by that. In Germany we have a lot of Fitness Groups, like Zumba Classes and all that stuff, my parents are also doing Elderly Activities with some people in there small town.
There was a book I read that talked about similar things, the Japanese way of life and how retaining a purpose can lead to a long and healthy life. It's called "Ikigai". I definitely recommend it
You bastard! You go to the gym 4 times a week and we still haven't got in a gym session together !!! Dammit Dave 😂😂😂! Great video tho, it was super interesting when i first heard these things from my colleagues and my reaction was pretty similar to yours.
That was an interesting point about feeling part of a group if you do the classes. As someone who travels a lot for work I usually don´t know many people around where I am. Going to give it a try!
Very nice video, ❤️🤗😁Your charm is irresistible!! You look energetic. You have a great smile. I love you!! My culture is my identity and personality, it gives me spiritual, intellectual and emotional distinction from others. But Having friends from other cultures makes me more creative. In fresh ways about space and how people create their own world and environment. It is best way to connect between creative thinking and cross-cultural relationships.
I guess this is like anything that someone would think of as "culture shock" - it wouldn't be so if we had been raised our whole lives with the expectations you described in marriage. I am from America, so I can only speak to this culture, but we value individuality and in my relationship, especially as a woman, I go to great lengths to make sure my identity as a "strong, independent woman" is kept, both within my relationship and outside of it. The Japanese are much more interested in a homogeneous society, it makes sense that their relationships take on characteristics that fall in line with that. That's how I see it, at least. I think there are many fascinating and beautiful aspects of Japanese culture that would greatly benefit American society - humility and community-oriented thinking for starters.
I'm (45) marrying a conservative Japanese lady (35) direct from Kyushu next month and we haven't had these discussions yet. We'll be living in the US and I wouldn't be comfortable with that traditional financial custom. Mama and Papa, I could grow into. I'll update when I can. 💸👪🇯🇵🇺🇲
Don't worry, just like a lobster doesn't notice he's being boiled alive if you turn up the heat gradually, so too you won't notice her gaining control of the family finances. She will do it gradually too.
Living in the US might help, and yeh, i'd put my foot down early, before the marriage that im not ganna go for that Japanese "mommy please lend me 5 bucks" crap.
Nice questions and insights into the differences. I’m in the States and I too would struggle with all of the above; though I agree, the confession does seem to offer some benefits. Yet, agree that such an early confession presents problems. Perspective is the key. We coming from western minds are certainly likely to struggle; but as you addressed at the end, we have to realize there is not one approach to happiness when it comes to intimate relationships.
I live in Japan, speak Japanese, and married a Japanese girl. I provide everything, but I never turned the finances over to her. She has a credit card for her purchases and needs, and there's rarely surprises with spending, fortunately. But I have been surprised when attempting to purchase a car, that the salesman would always defer to my wife about costs. And if I didnt have her along with me, the sales people would want to call or visit her. It pissed me off and was a deal-killer, but now I get it, and it still pisses me off!
Wow! This blew mind too. Finances..wow this is such an old way of doing things. Name nah..cant give that up. I like the last one though. It makes everyones life easy if one knows where you stand. Hehe
Bro, I already figured out the secret to Japanese longevity; they put stairs to everything My maternal grandmother always called her husband “Father” but he usually called her “dear”, if he used a pet name at all.
In Japan: You go on a 3rd date -> confess your love You get married -> hand over your paycheck to your wife Your friend gets married & invites you to a wedding -> you must give exactly ¥30,000 In America: You turn 18 -> parents kick you out of the house (although this is no longer universal) You get married -> your friends give you a bachelor & get you wasted These are just a few examples of what cultures dictate we must do even though we wouldn't want to do them, including myself. People ought to buck the system & do what feels right when it feels right. This is not so much about expressing individuality as much as it is about recognizing that these archaic notions of what's expected at different milestones in one's life doesn't align with yours.
I've been dating my Japanese girlfriend about 9 months now. We've been talking recently about getting a place together and shes usually really shy about sensitive subjects. However, she brought up the apartment discussion again yesterday and just straight up asked me if I intend to marry her. I mean, this far into a relationship it's not an unreasonable question, but I was floored that she so easily just came out with it, when it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get her input on seemingly not-so-serious sensitive subjects because she feels embarrassed talking about them. She was cool as a cucumber asking me too, haha.
@@DaveTrippin Yeah, usually I would think so too. This relationship has been very different from past relationships, in a good way. I had been actually thinking about the marriage question myself over the last month or so before she brought it up, so it wasn't a bad thing, just surprising based on her character. 😊
There's a lot of factors that can be behind this. How old is she? Does she have siblings who are also married? Younger siblings definitely get pressured if their brother/sister is married and they are approaching a similar age. People do this all over the world. This isn't limited to Japan. If you're 29 and want to be married by 31-32 you stop screwing around and want to know where it's going.
I am from Hawaii and see many Japanese tourists here, so I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the major cultural differences between Hawaii and Japan. However, your video caught me off guard as I am totally unaware of many of their customs, namely the money allowance and "mama" and "papa" nomenclature aspects. While I may have seen those customs displayed before, it never occurred to me that those were considered norms in the culture. I have been interested in living in Japan for the JET Program for next year (fingers crossed that I get accepted!); however, I am starting to have reservations: For example, will I be able to handle the stark cultural differences as a multi-ethnic Asian American? I am grateful that I stumbled across your videos as they shed light on topics that are rarely talked about. I know you mentioned to another commenter that you aren't very familiar with how mental health is viewed in Japan, but I'd love to see a video on that topic once you are able to learn more about it. Keep up the good work!
US here, my grandparents, German and Dutch but settled in the 1600s, always called each other Mom and Dad, and I heard that a lot in other households growing up in the 60s. As far as the woman managing the finances, that, too, goes way back, before even Classical Greek times. Economics comes from the Greek word "oikos" which means "house". Thus, "home economics" is a redundancy. Women by far manage money better than men, because they have tended to think more of the kids and the future whilst men have tended to think more of the "here and now". Women fund managers as a whole do 20% to 60% better, as a group, than do men. Marriage is a property contract and the couple are a corporation.
Hello is it still the same way?😊. There is also a tiktok I saw about Japanese women being okay with their partners to go be with a sex worker. Do you know about that? Can women too or it only goes for the men. Also I saw that it was an 11 minute video of asking Japanese women about it and that the tiktok / shorts is only a few seconds cut out of that. I am curious. Tried to do some internet research but you can never know. I looked up about relationships in japan and found your video. Thank you very much❤
I'm pretty chill about Japanese culture, but one thing I absolutely dislike about Japanese culture is the tatemae thing. I really hate tatemae because it feels I'm being lied to at face point. Has the tatemae/honne thing bothered you Dave? If it didn't how did you get over it?
I've had the pleasure of usually knowing people long enough or well enough to never really feel it that negatively. And if someone wants to pull that bull-shit on me I think, thanks, now I know to ignore your boring ass. ;p
Hey Dave...sorry for the long time no see...I hope all is well...I'm still living in Japan....great video! I'm currently dating a Japanese woman in Japan...we've been thinking about moving in together....
For the confirmation of whether or not you’re exclusive or bf/gf or “other” has always been a part of my dating history. As far as I’ve experienced, everyone has wanted clarification. And that could be because I’ve only dated like-minded, monogamous people who share the same sentiments. However, I do know that in the US a lot of people “date,” which implies they can date multiple people and basically “try-on” people to see if they’re a fit... but that can get messy when you have a “dater” with a monogamous person, and feelings get can hurt. All about that communication!! (Sorry for all the “quotes” 😜).
Hey Dave! I love your videos! I'm probably going to start working with an eikaiwa early next year, and your videos were really informative. Funny enough, I'm a Japanese American (4th generation), so I don't know Japanese. I have watched a lot of your content, and its been great! BTW, where do you live in Japan? As far as your video, I wonder if Japanese are so intentional with romantic relationships because they aren't as expressive as other cultures. Like, the fact that they invested that amount of time and energy, then they feel like its necessary to make a decision.
Hi Jordan. Best of luck to you. I live in ibaraki prefecture but for privacy reasons don't mention much more than that. Thanks for checking out the vid. I've a good american friend who's whatever generation Japanese American. But in his case he studied the language like a demon and puts me to shame... The bastard. 😅
@@DaveTrippin I completely understand not giving your address out on the internet haha. Have you been to Niigata before? If so, what did you think? I researched where my ancestors immigrated from, and my family came from around Niigata city.
My grandparents called eachother Dad and Mom and they are English and Irish. They never said their first names. They had a large family and lots of kids and they were vastly outnumbered in the home so maybe that is how they took on that tradition.
Absolutely not. I love some aspects of jpns culture but absolutely other aspects of it, particularly the conformism within it and the blind devotion to tradition.
I'm western, and I've always been really direct about us being together or not. I don't want to end up in a situation where the area is grey, might be too forward for some people, but if it is, then that person isn't suitable for me. Dating culture isn't huge here though (NZ), we don't go on dates before "dating" you're either together or not.
You don’t have to take on all their culture in a relationship. But I would discuss that with your SO (especially a spouse-to-be) before you’re married...But then, that’s true with any relationship.
Legit.. I'm married to Japanese wife in Florida and I get an allowance from my salary. We fought for awhile about me not having access to MY money, until I saw my bank account increase considerably. I think of it as an ancient culture common sense, that's infused through today.. The culture shock was seeing that not just from her as it were a personal trait but in the masses while visiting her family in Japan. It makes me reflect as well. ..also ninjas.
Though I understand and respect the differences , I would not want to refer to my wife/girlfriend by a title. It is human for a person's name that you adore to be 'special'. I would not want to hide that away, or have it taken from me. I like my name too. The money thing is a toss up. I'm very frugal in general. I have a lot of wants, but they don't outweigh my needs. I can control my spending to ensure my security in the future. If I gave that responsibility to someone else and they did not manage that responsibility as well as I might have, I would be upset because I would feel powerless. As a male, it is my responsibility to do that, but I handed over the keys to the car. I would not want to resent the person that I love, but know I would to a degree. It is the tougher question to answer. The dating part is interesting and though I was in a relationship when I lived in Japan, it was no with a local national. I liek structure and rules, but I like to have room to maneuver, but also give room to the other person. I would say "Yes, I genuinely like you and enjoy your companionship and spending time with you". I would share that I care, but stop a moment before saying I love someone. It takes time to develop and be sure of, more than two or three dates.
I do like the idea of essentially borrowing what works. Where I think people often use culture as a crutch but then blame it for the problems it creates we would all be a lot better off if we took more individual responsibility for our actions. Culture is a beautiful and ugly thing all at once. People I think forget that it's always up to them what they do with it.
think the us and canada relationships are really similar lol so it is strange hearing about the japanese relationship tradition but it really is cool to hear about it
It's funny you've lived here longer than me but the things that shock you seem trivial to me. When you meet the girl you like, don't ask her to be your girlfriend on the third date, command it! That helped me get over the "shock" (she said yes, but I reminded her she didn't have a choice and it's become a funny joke in our relationship)
This brings into prospective the selfish nature of wanting something for oneself such as “my” wife, “my” hard earned money, “my” children against a secondary: your here to serve my idea of how life should be (your life or lives and expectations are subordinate to my expectations). One has to take into consideration Japanese culture is heavily influenced by Buddhism which emphasizes harmonious living through selfless introspection. Not to get carried away with comparisons, the very act of marriage is quite selfish to begin with given its nature of bondage. Many no longer understanding what life’s ultimate cause in the beginning. It’s an act that is adopted for the sake of defaulting to social, and traditional norms.
The name thing is not always that way.. I call my wife Momma.. and Tomoko! My in-laws do the same thing. The money thing was weird. I complained a bunch.. so I keep 1 check and she keeps the 2nd one.
Hey Dave! Great video! Very eye opening for me. The finances thing really blew my mind when you mentioned that. I couldn't put that much responsibility for my significant other without me having any sort of input to our finances. Great information! Have you met or been in a relationship personally with someone that follows these traditions? Or have they been open to "western" ideas?
No way would anyone be able to handle my money financially sorry. I make it, i spend it how i want. Thats just how it is. No one can restrict me, even if i got married.
Awesome vid Dave, do you reckon that when you explained how the main breadwinner (usually the guy) has to give control to the girl that that's having an impact on the supposed smaller marriage/birth rates?
Some thoughts on how after the kids are born, the father has almost NO input into the children's future. Also thoughts on divorce, particularly for mixed couples.
Amazing. Learned lots of things watching your content. Thanks for this insightful video! 👍 What are your thoughts on getting a teaching job in Japan with only a Tesol diploma certificate and no degree?
In Mexico the 3 dates thing and then confess is similar. You are supposed to go on a few dates and then if you do like her you have to ask her to be your girlfriend. Sometimes its 3 dates or a month or 2 of dating, but if it takes longer it just seems like the guy is playing with the girl.
Well, like in every culture, there are some that don't really follow "society's rules", but in my 28 years I've only known one friend that did. The boy tho wasn't really into the girls taking the "lead". It's more common for the boy to be the one asking on the dates and then confessing while asking to be bf and gf. Also, for younger people the sex happens only after maybe a year of dating, but I know a friend for example than in 4 years of relationship she never did because she and some think it's supposed to only happen after marriage (but this is actually very very weird nowadays). Need to say, this is all changing now, but the confessing might not change at all. I'm also so used to this that when I dated an American guy, he said it was very difficult for him to date here because of that.
No I wouldn’t. Your right about what your saying. I couldn’t live like that. Japan it’s not for me. It’s looks beautiful there but their culture is hard for me to adjust to that kind of living.
It's so funny that a lot of the Eastern European customs are so similar to Japan's. I call my wife by her name / nickname, but when I involve something that the kids should be aware of, I call her Mama, like the kids. I guess I'm speaking from a more general point of view at that time. What's even funnier is that my parents taught me to call them by their first names / nicknames, so now my kids call me by my first name. She called me by my first name all of the time, and the kids picked up on it. I didn't correct them as I'm used to it from my parents, and it just stuck. Having them call me Daddy now just feels weird. But, they refer to me by "my dad". So, they know that I'm their dad, but when addressing me directly, they call me by my first name. I know a lot of the Nordic cultures take the first name of the dad as their last name, like in the old days, [Son name] of [Father name]. As long as we know what we're all talking about, I'm ok with any of it. It's when we lose track of the meaning of our conversation that worries me.
Guys in this world there are good women and bad women... don't just because she's a Japanese woman then you judge them all good... if you want to look for women don't just look at the physical but also look at the personality, in my country there are also many women who do ghosting to their partner.. why does this happen? because many of you are fascinated by the beauty of the body, beauty, cute style even though what you have to pay attention to is the attitude of the woman ... and also pay attention to where you meet the woman! if you meet that woman in a bad night club/place, you should be able to judge that she is a bad woman.. this is what many of us as men don't pay attention to, we pay too much attention to the physical. So how do people find good Japanese women? It's also influenced by the environment, personality.. if you are looking for a Japanese woman in a good place (example: in public transportation, places of worship/places that reflect kindness) maybe there you can find a good woman because a good woman will not go to a bad place then pay attention to her personality if she is a woman who likes to drink (drunk) go to the club to play with men you should not make that woman your partner.. but find a woman who is responsible (maybe she takes care of herself himself, his sister, his parents/family) why look for a woman who is responsible? because a responsible woman will always care and be responsible about the relationship with her lover then look for a woman who does not like to lie! Why? Usually people lie because they are afraid that their partner is angry, so when you become their lover you have to calm their feelings and make your Japanese lover comfortable so that they can tell all their troubles and feelings. This Ghosting phenomenon is because your partner feels uncomfortable or afraid to tell their feelings. they prefer to pretend to be fine and then leave you ... so pay attention to the woman's personality, don't just look at the woman's physique, this is the mistake of many men around the world in choosing women. Courage for all man
I've been dating a Japanese woman in New York, who has been here for nearly 30 years. Some of these observations apply, but she is used to Western practices at this point. Keep in mind that every person is an individual, and that your native culture is neither superior or inferior to any other.
From U.S. and my family does that 2nd rule. I find it weird to call my parents by their names and my mom and dad normally refer to each other in front of us as "mom" or "dad". The first one i would only be able to do if I without hesitation could completely trust that person which I've never been able to do even with family so that would be hard. I mean if I found someone like that that would be fine. But isn't that the point of a good relationship? However, I would still constantly feel like a dick if i didn't help her out with finances as it would seem like giving someone a chore. I do not think I would ever be able to confess to anyone ever but especially by a 2nd or third date.
I would never pay my future an allowance. I didn't marry her to be my employee! I'm a traditional Japanese/American man and would like a lady with old fashioned values. In the USA that's hard to find these days. That's probably the reason that I only had 1 relationship so far in my life. Oh and I'm also a shy guy.
メデイナ Medinaビクター Victor that's considering IF they even know about existence of Spain/Mexico. For most Japanese there's only china, South Korea and America on this planet..
Eh. Well, there's lotsa Peruvians/Brazilians there already so they probably can't distinguish us all from one another, which isn't a bad thing, but I'd imagine we're just more latin foreigners but without Japanese roots. I'm always treated kindly. But tbh I felt a little uh..."profiled" by the Koreans in Western Japan on the way to Kyoto. Your experience may vary. There's a youtuber called Mexican Samurai or something like that who's Mexican/Japanese and has some cool insights. Check him out if you want.
Ah...yes. That too. Perhaps that's why the K-town folks didn't take to so kindly to me lol. I mean, I'm a Mexican with light skin but I'm very clearly Mexican and I don't like to wear fancy things. Even if you do have a darker complexion and maybe aren't rich, they'll treat you nicely, but I do know they deny a lot of stuff to foreigners by default. It's usually that they don't want to have to deal with your lack of communcation skills.
Hmmm I'd say somewhere in the middle would be perfect. Where say after 10 dates you'd confess one way or the other. Im 36 and single, living in UK. Settling down is hard here. Too many go with the flow, 4 years long then deciding to end it relationships, and as a woman there's only so much time you have before biology clock reminds you your time will soon be up as far as reproduction abilities. The west leave things way too open ended and next thing you know you're old and going about life single. That said, I couldn't commit to someone after only 2 dates. I like to let time show someone's true colours. Hence I take the middle ground and say after certain number of dates there ought to be expected of us to have a discussion and decide to either be couples or to end it. No stringing each other along.
Hey Dave, not sure if you know the answer, but whats the deal with divorce in Japan? Do men get taken to the cleaners like they do in the western world? Alimony? Child Support? losing the house and getting the debt? any answers? Thanks!
It's kind of a savage setup. Women almost certainly without question get the kids. But the guy doesn't really have to pay. So the women has kids but now works so much she never sees them, and the guy has money but lost all his family. Divorce no matter where it is I think has a serious element of tragedy.
Many Japanese are introverts. Rather than looking at that aspect, you should ask yourself "Am I willing to learn Japanese, learn about Japanese culture and accept it, and deal with what I perceive to be annoying/crazy/nonsensical shit on a semi-regular basis?" If the answer is yes to all, then you will fit in regardless of intro/extravert.
I have to say, I think if they ask me for an allowance i'd be happy with whatever, or a whatever you;re having I would like the same kind of idea. As for the name, call me daddy anytime ;) haha, but seriously I am not one to use names for my partner often, although her name is lovely we have nicknames etc so
The money thing is wrong. First because it strips, the man's pride, making him akin to a slave. Second, it creates a power imbalance. Third, because it makes the woman's budegting choices too important. IE, what if she is not good at it ? What if she makes mistakes or spend it on useless stuff. For a couple to work well with money, you need both party to be able to balance their opinion and make joint choices thought rationnally. Plus, moist accountant jobs are done by men, and women are too vulnerable to shopping sprees. So it's good to have both side watching each other. Then the title stuff also is wrong. Love and connection doesn't stop when you have kids, it should become stronger. Your woman is not you okaasan or mama, your husband is not your otoosan or papa. Your spouse is someone you are supposed to flirt with and ignite passion in until you die. That's how you have quanliy relationships. You call you partner by his/her name, or some sweet name, but stay flirty. No wonder many peoples in Japan stop having sex once they have kids. So how should someone should manage those things ? In the best possible way. Your couple has nothing to do with any state, nationality, culture or rule. Choose how you want to do it according to what you think is best. Not what the average of people (who are nowadays quite lousy and weak at relationships) do. Reach higher for and higher ideal. DO STUFF YOUR WAY. And find a partner who wants to do things freely and not according to some useless dogma made for the lazy brains.
three reasons why japanese doesn't make good friends: first, they makes zero efforts to speak other languages and anyway when we try to speak japanese they laugh at our accents and they don't forgive bad pronounciations secondly, they refuse to show their feelings no matter how polite, kind and respectful we are. just because they refuse to put us in their friendship circle (in fact it's only when they get drunk, it's pathetic) and thirdly, they love to criticize the others in their back. they judge them without knowing them, they don't give us any chance. they don't tell our mistakes, how can we improve ourselves. i like japan, for what it has naturally, but i do not get why its locals are so well seen in the world.
@@leighhennessy8212 well, he is american. I just referenced him because lately he's been making kind of documentaries regarding other youtubers he's been a big big one here and for several years. Literally just type "Shane" on the search bar hehe
My wife is Japanese and our role is opposite. I give her an allowance. $ 50.00 a week or 5,000 a yen week. I keep the credit cards too. I explain to her that it should be who is best at controlling the money.
robertc190 with Japanese women that's especially dangerous since they literally litter money left and right on stupid shit every day. Especially considering how in Japan it's common to buy things which are trendy and mimic what others do because the whole society is like one big hive mind and Japanese hate to stand out from the crowd. First you see someone wears some stupid winter hat in spring, next week you see every third Japanese female wear the same stupid hat, even the same color. (I always chuckle when i see it since they wear it the exact same way low scum delinquent hooligan punks in my country wear it). Your wife is probably a very rare species like a shiny Pokémon if she's not a money littering machine..
Newsflash: western culture is different from eastern culture from the island which was closed to the outer world for the most part of its history. To Japanese western culture is ridiculously weird in many aspects. I'm not from an asian country but still there are tons of weird things in western culture for me. It's all about perspective. What's granted and obvious to you isn't like that for people from outside. And even when you try to use and apply the knowledge from other cultures to your own culture it will fail to work most of the time since for example Canada and USA never had bushido and Confucianism. Trying to apply this "community" thing would already fail at the basic level since today Japan's views and way of thinking all root from these and had long deep history. Humans will travel to other galaxies in the future and even then Japan would still be the same as it is now with this.
Were I to get to teach in Japan. IF I didn't have a relationship. I would not 'find a partner" in Japan. In this alone am I racist. I am only interested in other Caucasuans. ESPECIALLY Gingers. Its a Father Issue thing. Interesting to hear about it from a straight POV.
Wouldn't call you racist, just maybe a little shortsighted. Do you want to love somewhere for their looks or their personality? Wouldn't it be better to be a little flexible? Not saying you can't find the love of your life who is a ginger, just know you are severely limiting yourself by saying that. Just my two cents though!
It was absolutely not my intention to shame/demoralize and I was trying to be careful of that. So I'm sorry it came out that way. It was more just a word of caution. I've seen people be single for a long time because they were so picky. Which is fine, but then they complain that no one likes them. Everyone is free to do what they want of course.
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When I moved to Japan from the Okanagan in Canada and eventually married my Japanese girlfriend it was around 1991. I knew nothing really about Japan and very little Japanese. I had dated Canadian ladies prior to this and had even lived with an English girl before settling down . My fiance asked me, " how much money would you like every month?" Thinking as a typical Canadian who had no knowledge of what she actually meant I told her "nothing, I'm good". My Canadian brain thinking if I needed money I would just use my debit card. LoL- LOL, oh God, LOL. We were married well over ten years and it was always a struggle to live that way. Anytime I had to ask for an allowance she would always reproachfully say, " You told me you didn't need money". She would always relent of course but always give me the bare minimum amount that I would need. For example, if I were going out to bonenkai with students or co-workers I would be lucky to get 5000¥ for the night. The Otosan, Okasan thing didn't bother me at all. Once my son was born I was 100% onboard with being dad. There are so many other differences though in these Canadian/Japanese relationships that you just really couldn't learn about back then in the pre-google or TH-cam world. I remember by the time I was getting married I spoke a little Japanese. I recall her father looking at our wedding photos and pointing at her traditional Japanese veil and asking me how to say it in English. After I told him he laughed and said its Japanese meaning is, " it hides her horns". Marry a Japanese lady and you will learn to understand. She runs/ manages the house. You are, as her husband, treated basically like a big child. What she says goes and you damn well better not cross her, trust me. The demure submissive Japanese lady thing is just public face and what she acts like through courtship- put a ring on her finger and you will find your lamb was a tiger in woolskin. Great video buddy.
Dude, your comment made my day. Thank you :)
Jesus, sounds like an awful way to live - governed by another person for the rest of your life.
Sounds like you should've set ground rules, had a long talk about what you both wanted before getting married, then again, like you said this was pre-youtube so what are you ganna do..If I ever get married I plan to --almost like a business contract -- lay out what I want and what is important to me and she can do the same, then we can come to an agreement that way these problems don't pop up in the future, I'd feel personally emasculated having a woman make me beg for my own money, you know what my allowance is !? My paycheck! lol
MEEG0L you are a rational Boy with yet a lot to learn. Have fun with your contracts and spending your salary.
it's not 1991 anymore and most people don't live like you believe it or not lol
Hello Dave, I've been watching you for many years, since i was still in Japan (i came back in my home country 2 years ago). I want to say you that i love what you're doing, you continuing to be true to your core and your videos improved so much with time! Keep doing your amazing job. Anyway, i found this video really inspiring especially about your thought about community and the purpose that Japaneses find taking part of it.
My wife is Japanese and i have 2 daughters but we don't really interact with each other in the Japanese way, more in the western way. Even if to be honest i had my share of conflict with my wife about our financial management ^^, now we respect our different opinion and way of thinking.
And to answer your question, i think we all have different conditioning depending of the cultures, ideologies, peoples ... etc that shaped us from the instant when we were born to the present instant, we can't judge what is best or worse. As my opinion i would say that we aren't born with all those codes and social conditioning. Too much codes and rules restrict our freedom of thinking and freedom of taking action. We need codes so we can have a stable society and interact with a lot of people, but I think that Japan cultures is doing a bit too much, as many Japanese are afraid to express their emotions. In my mind Nordic countries have a good balance between society rules and freedom to follow your heart.
Truly appreciate the feedback and interesting thoughts Damien. Cheers.
My ex-Japanese husband laundered thousands of dollars from our account and bought a handful of secret buildings, placing all the deeds solely in his name all due to silly me, entrusting him with our finances because at the time, I couldn’t read Japanese. I possibly had the longest divorce in Japan on record. A lost in the low court, and won in the high court, 5 1/2 years of monthly visits and I finally got my freedom back. This is my 20th year in Japan. I’ve seen everything. I’ve heard everything. I’m now a proud single mother running my own business. I love everything about Japan. I understand all aspects and agree with everything you said in your video. For me, and this is purely based on my experience here, I will only ever date someone who has experience the same cultural upbringing and has the same family values from herein. It’s just one less headache to deal with which sounds like a terrible thing to say since being in a relationship should be the complete opposite. I only dated Japanese men after arriving here and it was déjà vu and ground hog day over and over. You only get one chance at life. Never waste a single day of it. Good luck everyone!!
Last week, there were 10 or 15 elderly people in my daughter's local park, pulling weeds, raking the gravel, and doing other things that I don't usually pair with "elderly" activities. At first, I felt a little bad for them. But our neighbor said they clean it up every year. I thought that was really great...
I suppose that is what I admire about the japanese. It's that sense of respect and community that I see slowly disappearing from my home.
Good to stay active and hey if you can help your community, why not? purpose is a hell of a drug.
Some of the points mentioned are quite interesting thank you for sharing. You may have covered this in the past, but is it possible for you to make a video discussing mental health views in Japan? I'm curious about how the broad culture handles issues relating to anxiety/depression. Your point about how being typically shy in Japan, but focusing on asserting your feelings also had me curious about how mental health is viewed in the context of a relationship. Btw the editing in your work is better and better!
It`s a good idea for a video. Although I would have to do some more research. All that I would have to go on currently is second-hand information as that`s all I`ve realy encountered so far. I haven`t ever had personal conversations with anyone about this. I am sure it would be really interesting.
It's always a good morning when Dave uploads a new video!
Thanks man appreciate it.
this video was so chill i made it through 3 beers and didnt notice, good video again man keep up the good work.
Only three! Gotta do better salty. ;)
@@DaveTrippin I wanna think I tried lol I will aim for a six pack next time lol
I always enjoy your videos, dude; Keep on grinding and pushing yourself in learning with videos. As always, I'm looking forward to the next one.
Cheers man appreciate it.
Tranquil Setting + Tranquil Music + Cultural Insight = Great Video.
Dave that's some quality cinematography and useful content. You really do deserve a lot more subscribers and views. I hope the channel sees a big boost soon. Keep up the great work!
cheers man. I appreciate it. Comments like that are especially uplifting.
Loved this video. Thank you for your thoughts.
Cool video Dave! You keep getting better and better with the editing!
Cheers man appreciate it.
Hi. I’ve been watching your films on-and-off for about 6 months. You always express your ideas and observations of Japanese culture with great articulation. It’s also nice to see someone continuously convey their experience and knowledge in an engaging way with neutral perspective. Next year I will emigrate to Japan (from the UK), with my wife of... nearly a decade, now :O. We intend to settle long-term, but trust me I will never call her anything other than her given name... and I seriously would never let ANYONE else manage my finances for me ;)
Then on both these things we agree.
It's the same with the money in my country as well. You have a joint account with your wife and your salary goes there. She's the one who's in charge of the home banking client app and handles the bills.
We have a saying that the husband might be the head of the household, but the wife is the neck and she decides which direction the head faces :) Which is pretty accurate, if you come to think of it.
hey a Dave video, that's what today needed. your videos are always calming.
anyway ... it was often like that here in the US in earlier days, men didn't have time to deal with money & bills, I have to do it all myself but often I really don't have time. if I had a woman that could & would take care of money properly I'd let her do it. (though knowing what a mess things can become if suddenly have to do things & knowing nothing about what's going on I would keep an eye on it. I've seen tho many times one gets sick or dies leaving the other tho deal with things with no knowledge about what's going on, it's a mess.) btw, unless a person it's insanely rich you have tho live on a allowance anyway, it's just a matter of who dose the math to find out what's available for you to spend.
I like the idea of being honest about of you're intending tho try to develop a relationship or not, though trying isn't the same as accomplishing & it may not work out it's better than spending 6months or longer them finding out you wasted you're time because the other person ruled you out and didn't say anything.
oh I forgot to say, I would be ok with having a wife call me daddy but I could never call my wife mom. No never.
Honestly, this is one of the best videos I have seen of yours.
Loved the background music.
You are getting better Dave. Keep up the hard work.
In Pakistan, we have the same kind of culture where the man handsover the money to his wife. But people are changing thier way of thinking because most of the big cities in Pakistan, families where women earn, couples are dividing their expenses.
No, we do not have the culture of calling each other 'mama' or 'papa' but instead they call each other my their nicknames( that is a couple thing in Pakistan).
I hope you make a number 2! Also if you could do a video about breaking up with a small term relationship and long term relationship.
Great suggestions.
Great Video once again, never heard of the first two things and I definitely was surprised by that.
In Germany we have a lot of Fitness Groups, like Zumba Classes and all that stuff, my parents are also doing Elderly Activities with some people in there small town.
That's awesome man. Glad to hear in Germany the older generation doesn't let themselves become forgotten.
There was a book I read that talked about similar things, the Japanese way of life and how retaining a purpose can lead to a long and healthy life. It's called "Ikigai". I definitely recommend it
Thanks for sharing Dave, I’m experiencing some of the mentioned points here in Japan.
You bastard! You go to the gym 4 times a week and we still haven't got in a gym session together !!! Dammit Dave 😂😂😂! Great video tho, it was super interesting when i first heard these things from my colleagues and my reaction was pretty similar to yours.
nice to see you outside the house
That was an interesting point about feeling part of a group if you do the classes. As someone who travels a lot for work I usually don´t know many people around where I am. Going to give it a try!
Very nice video, ❤️🤗😁Your charm is irresistible!! You look energetic. You have a great smile. I love you!! My culture is my identity and personality, it gives me spiritual, intellectual and emotional distinction from others. But Having friends from other cultures makes me more creative. In fresh ways about space and how people create their own world and environment. It is best way to connect between creative thinking and cross-cultural relationships.
I guess this is like anything that someone would think of as "culture shock" - it wouldn't be so if we had been raised our whole lives with the expectations you described in marriage. I am from America, so I can only speak to this culture, but we value individuality and in my relationship, especially as a woman, I go to great lengths to make sure my identity as a "strong, independent woman" is kept, both within my relationship and outside of it. The Japanese are much more interested in a homogeneous society, it makes sense that their relationships take on characteristics that fall in line with that. That's how I see it, at least. I think there are many fascinating and beautiful aspects of Japanese culture that would greatly benefit American society - humility and community-oriented thinking for starters.
Iveseenlovedie americans and humility in one sentence makes me giggle. The are no other polar opposites as strong as these two.
@@HaohmaruHL Well....which is exactly why I say we need more of it.
I'm (45) marrying a conservative Japanese lady (35) direct from Kyushu next month and we haven't had these discussions yet. We'll be living in the US and I wouldn't be comfortable with that traditional financial custom. Mama and Papa, I could grow into. I'll update when I can. 💸👪🇯🇵🇺🇲
Please do! And goodluck
Don't worry, just like a lobster doesn't notice he's being boiled alive if you turn up the heat gradually, so too you won't notice her gaining control of the family finances. She will do it gradually too.
Living in the US might help, and yeh, i'd put my foot down early, before the marriage that im not ganna go for that Japanese "mommy please lend me 5 bucks" crap.
@@tally1604 you sound like you have no spine bro
@@user-nf8jo9gk8c you sound like you have no dick
Nice questions and insights into the differences. I’m in the States and I too would struggle with all of the above; though I agree, the confession does seem to offer some benefits. Yet, agree that such an early confession presents problems. Perspective is the key. We coming from western minds are certainly likely to struggle; but as you addressed at the end, we have to realize there is not one approach to happiness when it comes to intimate relationships.
I live in Japan, speak Japanese, and married a Japanese girl. I provide everything, but I never turned the finances over to her. She has a credit card for her purchases and needs, and there's rarely surprises with spending, fortunately. But I have been surprised when attempting to purchase a car, that the salesman would always defer to my wife about costs. And if I didnt have her along with me, the sales people would want to call or visit her. It pissed me off and was a deal-killer, but now I get it, and it still pisses me off!
Wow! This blew mind too. Finances..wow this is such an old way of doing things. Name nah..cant give that up. I like the last one though. It makes everyones life easy if one knows where you stand. Hehe
Bro, I already figured out the secret to Japanese longevity; they put stairs to everything
My maternal grandmother always called her husband “Father” but he usually called her “dear”, if he used a pet name at all.
Devil's in the details eh? 😅
In Japan:
You go on a 3rd date -> confess your love
You get married -> hand over your paycheck to your wife
Your friend gets married & invites you to a wedding -> you must give exactly ¥30,000
In America:
You turn 18 -> parents kick you out of the house (although this is no longer universal)
You get married -> your friends give you a bachelor & get you wasted
These are just a few examples of what cultures dictate we must do even though we wouldn't want to do them, including myself. People ought to buck the system & do what feels right when it feels right. This is not so much about expressing individuality as much as it is about recognizing that these archaic notions of what's expected at different milestones in one's life doesn't align with yours.
I've been dating my Japanese girlfriend about 9 months now. We've been talking recently about getting a place together and shes usually really shy about sensitive subjects. However, she brought up the apartment discussion again yesterday and just straight up asked me if I intend to marry her. I mean, this far into a relationship it's not an unreasonable question, but I was floored that she so easily just came out with it, when it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get her input on seemingly not-so-serious sensitive subjects because she feels embarrassed talking about them. She was cool as a cucumber asking me too, haha.
That to me, is way to early to talk about if you are considering marriage. But to each there own man. However you want to handle it.
@@DaveTrippin Yeah, usually I would think so too. This relationship has been very different from past relationships, in a good way. I had been actually thinking about the marriage question myself over the last month or so before she brought it up, so it wasn't a bad thing, just surprising based on her character. 😊
There's a lot of factors that can be behind this. How old is she? Does she have siblings who are also married? Younger siblings definitely get pressured if their brother/sister is married and they are approaching a similar age. People do this all over the world. This isn't limited to Japan. If you're 29 and want to be married by 31-32 you stop screwing around and want to know where it's going.
I am from Hawaii and see many Japanese tourists here, so I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the major cultural differences between Hawaii and Japan. However, your video caught me off guard as I am totally unaware of many of their customs, namely the money allowance and "mama" and "papa" nomenclature aspects. While I may have seen those customs displayed before, it never occurred to me that those were considered norms in the culture.
I have been interested in living in Japan for the JET Program for next year (fingers crossed that I get accepted!); however, I am starting to have reservations: For example, will I be able to handle the stark cultural differences as a multi-ethnic Asian American? I am grateful that I stumbled across your videos as they shed light on topics that are rarely talked about. I know you mentioned to another commenter that you aren't very familiar with how mental health is viewed in Japan, but I'd love to see a video on that topic once you are able to learn more about it. Keep up the good work!
US here, my grandparents, German and Dutch but settled in the 1600s, always called each other Mom and Dad, and I heard that a lot in other households growing up in the 60s. As far as the woman managing the finances, that, too, goes way back, before even Classical Greek times. Economics comes from the Greek word "oikos" which means "house". Thus, "home economics" is a redundancy. Women by far manage money better than men, because they have tended to think more of the kids and the future whilst men have tended to think more of the "here and now". Women fund managers as a whole do 20% to 60% better, as a group, than do men. Marriage is a property contract and the couple are a corporation.
Hello is it still the same way?😊. There is also a tiktok I saw about Japanese women being okay with their partners to go be with a sex worker. Do you know about that? Can women too or it only goes for the men.
Also I saw that it was an 11 minute video of asking Japanese women about it and that the tiktok / shorts is only a few seconds cut out of that. I am curious. Tried to do some internet research but you can never know. I looked up about relationships in japan and found your video. Thank you very much❤
I'm pretty chill about Japanese culture, but one thing I absolutely dislike about Japanese culture is the tatemae thing. I really hate tatemae because it feels I'm being lied to at face point. Has the tatemae/honne thing bothered you Dave? If it didn't how did you get over it?
I've had the pleasure of usually knowing people long enough or well enough to never really feel it that negatively. And if someone wants to pull that bull-shit on me I think, thanks, now I know to ignore your boring ass. ;p
@@daffygrey it's the face you show the world. And who you really are. Basically a public persona vs a personal one.
Awesome man! I had a Japanese girlfriend for 7 years lol. A LOT of shocks! But wonderful times! Once again, nice video!
Cheers, really appreciate it.
Hey Dave...sorry for the long time no see...I hope all is well...I'm still living in Japan....great video! I'm currently dating a Japanese woman in Japan...we've been thinking about moving in together....
Good luck to you sir.
For the confirmation of whether or not you’re exclusive or bf/gf or “other” has always been a part of my dating history. As far as I’ve experienced, everyone has wanted clarification. And that could be because I’ve only dated like-minded, monogamous people who share the same sentiments. However, I do know that in the US a lot of people “date,” which implies they can date multiple people and basically “try-on” people to see if they’re a fit... but that can get messy when you have a “dater” with a monogamous person, and feelings get can hurt. All about that communication!! (Sorry for all the “quotes” 😜).
Hey Dave! I love your videos! I'm probably going to start working with an eikaiwa early next year, and your videos were really informative. Funny enough, I'm a Japanese American (4th generation), so I don't know Japanese. I have watched a lot of your content, and its been great! BTW, where do you live in Japan? As far as your video, I wonder if Japanese are so intentional with romantic relationships because they aren't as expressive as other cultures. Like, the fact that they invested that amount of time and energy, then they feel like its necessary to make a decision.
Hi Jordan. Best of luck to you. I live in ibaraki prefecture but for privacy reasons don't mention much more than that. Thanks for checking out the vid. I've a good american friend who's whatever generation Japanese American. But in his case he studied the language like a demon and puts me to shame... The bastard. 😅
@@DaveTrippin I completely understand not giving your address out on the internet haha. Have you been to Niigata before? If so, what did you think? I researched where my ancestors immigrated from, and my family came from around Niigata city.
My grandparents called eachother Dad and Mom and they are English and Irish. They never said their first names. They had a large family and lots of kids and they were vastly outnumbered in the home so maybe that is how they took on that tradition.
Absolutely not. I love some aspects of jpns culture but absolutely other aspects of it, particularly the conformism within it and the blind devotion to tradition.
Blindly conforming we can both agree is certainly a negative thing.
Dude those first couple things every family does in the e tire world.
Awesome reflections :)
Cheers man. Appreciate it.
Dave "I find that really interesting(Scary, wtf oh hell no!!)"
I'm western, and I've always been really direct about us being together or not. I don't want to end up in a situation where the area is grey, might be too forward for some people, but if it is, then that person isn't suitable for me. Dating culture isn't huge here though (NZ), we don't go on dates before "dating" you're either together or not.
Quality video my man
Cheers man appreciate it.
You don’t have to take on all their culture in a relationship. But I would discuss that with your SO (especially a spouse-to-be) before you’re married...But then, that’s true with any relationship.
Legit.. I'm married to Japanese wife in Florida and I get an allowance from my salary. We fought for awhile about me not having access to MY money, until I saw my bank account increase considerably. I think of it as an ancient culture common sense, that's infused through today.. The culture shock was seeing that not just from her as it were a personal trait but in the masses while visiting her family in Japan. It makes me reflect as well. ..also ninjas.
Comment must be hearted for (also ninjas)
Though I understand and respect the differences , I would not want to refer to my wife/girlfriend by a title. It is human for a person's name that you adore to be 'special'. I would not want to hide that away, or have it taken from me. I like my name too. The money thing is a toss up. I'm very frugal in general. I have a lot of wants, but they don't outweigh my needs. I can control my spending to ensure my security in the future. If I gave that responsibility to someone else and they did not manage that responsibility as well as I might have, I would be upset because I would feel powerless. As a male, it is my responsibility to do that, but I handed over the keys to the car. I would not want to resent the person that I love, but know I would to a degree. It is the tougher question to answer. The dating part is interesting and though I was in a relationship when I lived in Japan, it was no with a local national. I liek structure and rules, but I like to have room to maneuver, but also give room to the other person. I would say "Yes, I genuinely like you and enjoy your companionship and spending time with you". I would share that I care, but stop a moment before saying I love someone. It takes time to develop and be sure of, more than two or three dates.
I do like the idea of essentially borrowing what works. Where I think people often use culture as a crutch but then blame it for the problems it creates we would all be a lot better off if we took more individual responsibility for our actions. Culture is a beautiful and ugly thing all at once. People I think forget that it's always up to them what they do with it.
think the us and canada relationships are really similar lol so it is strange hearing about the japanese relationship tradition but it really is cool to hear about it
It's funny you've lived here longer than me but the things that shock you seem trivial to me. When you meet the girl you like, don't ask her to be your girlfriend on the third date, command it! That helped me get over the "shock" (she said yes, but I reminded her she didn't have a choice and it's become a funny joke in our relationship)
In the west the woman take's the husband's money through a divorce, so, japanese are more direct about the type of this transaction.
not just during divorce. they take it the entire way.
This brings into prospective the selfish nature of wanting something for oneself such as “my” wife, “my” hard earned money, “my” children against a secondary: your here to serve my idea of how life should be (your life or lives and expectations are subordinate to my expectations). One has to take into consideration Japanese culture is heavily influenced by Buddhism which emphasizes harmonious living through selfless introspection. Not to get carried away with comparisons, the very act of marriage is quite selfish to begin with given its nature of bondage. Many no longer understanding what life’s ultimate cause in the beginning. It’s an act that is adopted for the sake of defaulting to social, and traditional norms.
The name thing is not always that way.. I call my wife Momma.. and Tomoko! My in-laws do the same thing. The money thing was weird. I complained a bunch.. so I keep 1 check and she keeps the 2nd one.
That's cool sounds like you guys are adaptable.
Hey Dave! Great video! Very eye opening for me. The finances thing really blew my mind when you mentioned that. I couldn't put that much responsibility for my significant other without me having any sort of input to our finances. Great information! Have you met or been in a relationship personally with someone that follows these traditions? Or have they been open to "western" ideas?
Always been open to how I've thought about it.
No way would anyone be able to handle my money financially sorry. I make it, i spend it how i want. Thats just how it is. No one can restrict me, even if i got married.
Awesome vid Dave, do you reckon that when you explained how the main breadwinner (usually the guy) has to give control to the girl that that's having an impact on the supposed smaller marriage/birth rates?
Not entirely sure but I think that overwork definitely lends itself to that.
私もです dating a 32 year old girl who lived with her parents was weird. Being told I can't date a girl who works at my company was weird. It's all weird.
Some thoughts on how after the kids are born, the father has almost NO input into the children's future. Also thoughts on divorce, particularly for mixed couples.
Amazing. Learned lots of things watching your content. Thanks for this insightful video! 👍 What are your thoughts on getting a teaching job in Japan with only a Tesol diploma certificate and no degree?
Possible but limited to the private sector. You cannot teach in the public sector without a degree. You could try peppy kids club.
@@DaveTrippin I'll try that, thank you so much! Looking forward to more of your videos.
In Mexico the 3 dates thing and then confess is similar. You are supposed to go on a few dates and then if you do like her you have to ask her to be your girlfriend. Sometimes its 3 dates or a month or 2 of dating, but if it takes longer it just seems like the guy is playing with the girl.
Ah that's really interesting I had no idea. Does the girl ever do the confessing?
Well, like in every culture, there are some that don't really follow "society's rules", but in my 28 years I've only known one friend that did. The boy tho wasn't really into the girls taking the "lead". It's more common for the boy to be the one asking on the dates and then confessing while asking to be bf and gf. Also, for younger people the sex happens only after maybe a year of dating, but I know a friend for example than in 4 years of relationship she never did because she and some think it's supposed to only happen after marriage (but this is actually very very weird nowadays). Need to say, this is all changing now, but the confessing might not change at all. I'm also so used to this that when I dated an American guy, he said it was very difficult for him to date here because of that.
You must be talking about other Mexico, I don't remember doing that, and yes I'm Mexican.
@@hector1404 well that's weird. Maybe a different state or generation.
No I wouldn’t. Your right about what your saying. I couldn’t live like that. Japan it’s not for me. It’s looks beautiful there but their culture is hard for me to adjust to that kind of living.
It's so funny that a lot of the Eastern European customs are so similar to Japan's. I call my wife by her name / nickname, but when I involve something that the kids should be aware of, I call her Mama, like the kids. I guess I'm speaking from a more general point of view at that time. What's even funnier is that my parents taught me to call them by their first names / nicknames, so now my kids call me by my first name. She called me by my first name all of the time, and the kids picked up on it. I didn't correct them as I'm used to it from my parents, and it just stuck. Having them call me Daddy now just feels weird. But, they refer to me by "my dad". So, they know that I'm their dad, but when addressing me directly, they call me by my first name. I know a lot of the Nordic cultures take the first name of the dad as their last name, like in the old days, [Son name] of [Father name]. As long as we know what we're all talking about, I'm ok with any of it. It's when we lose track of the meaning of our conversation that worries me.
Where is that shrine? I'm in Japan now, teaching, and need more peaceful places to experience.
Nice music choice 👍
Cheers man appreciate it.
Great video and I didn't knew about these things :)
Cheers man appreciate it.
Guys in this world there are good women and bad women... don't just because she's a Japanese woman then you judge them all good... if you want to look for women don't just look at the physical but also look at the personality, in my country there are also many women who do ghosting to their partner.. why does this happen? because many of you are fascinated by the beauty of the body, beauty, cute style even though what you have to pay attention to is the attitude of the woman ... and also pay attention to where you meet the woman! if you meet that woman in a bad night club/place, you should be able to judge that she is a bad woman.. this is what many of us as men don't pay attention to, we pay too much attention to the physical. So how do people find good Japanese women? It's also influenced by the environment, personality.. if you are looking for a Japanese woman in a good place (example: in public transportation, places of worship/places that reflect kindness) maybe there you can find a good woman because a good woman will not go to a bad place then pay attention to her personality if she is a woman who likes to drink (drunk) go to the club to play with men you should not make that woman your partner.. but find a woman who is responsible (maybe she takes care of herself himself, his sister, his parents/family) why look for a woman who is responsible? because a responsible woman will always care and be responsible about the relationship with her lover then look for a woman who does not like to lie! Why? Usually people lie because they are afraid that their partner is angry, so when you become their lover you have to calm their feelings and make your Japanese lover comfortable so that they can tell all their troubles and feelings. This Ghosting phenomenon is because your partner feels uncomfortable or afraid to tell their feelings. they prefer to pretend to be fine and then leave you ... so pay attention to the woman's personality, don't just look at the woman's physique, this is the mistake of many men around the world in choosing women. Courage for all man
I've been dating a Japanese woman in New York, who has been here for nearly 30 years. Some of these observations apply, but she is used to Western practices at this point. Keep in mind that every person is an individual, and that your native culture is neither superior or inferior to any other.
Man I sure lucked out with my Japanese girlfriend since she said she doesn't need to control our finances after we marry.
Its a trap. Right up there with "I enjoy regular sex".
From U.S. and my family does that 2nd rule. I find it weird to call my parents by their names and my mom and dad normally refer to each other in front of us as "mom" or "dad". The first one i would only be able to do if I without hesitation could completely trust that person which I've never been able to do even with family so that would be hard. I mean if I found someone like that that would be fine. But isn't that the point of a good relationship? However, I would still constantly feel like a dick if i didn't help her out with finances as it would seem like giving someone a chore. I do not think I would ever be able to confess to anyone ever but especially by a 2nd or third date.
I would never pay my future an allowance. I didn't marry her to be my employee! I'm a traditional Japanese/American man and would like a lady with old fashioned values. In the USA that's hard to find these days. That's probably the reason that I only had 1 relationship so far in my life. Oh and I'm also a shy guy.
Talk about shizen shometsu.
Lovely video. Quick question how is the Hispanic/mexican population viewed in Japan?
メデイナ Medinaビクター Victor that's considering IF they even know about existence of Spain/Mexico. For most Japanese there's only china, South Korea and America on this planet..
@@HaohmaruHL ahh I see, makes sense. Just curious.
Eh. Well, there's lotsa Peruvians/Brazilians there already so they probably can't distinguish us all from one another, which isn't a bad thing, but I'd imagine we're just more latin foreigners but without Japanese roots. I'm always treated kindly. But tbh I felt a little uh..."profiled" by the Koreans in Western Japan on the way to Kyoto. Your experience may vary. There's a youtuber called Mexican Samurai or something like that who's Mexican/Japanese and has some cool insights. Check him out if you want.
Answer you want: Everyone is treated well in Japan. Truth: How dark of a complexion do you have? how much money do you make?
Ah...yes. That too. Perhaps that's why the K-town folks didn't take to so kindly to me lol. I mean, I'm a Mexican with light skin but I'm very clearly Mexican and I don't like to wear fancy things. Even if you do have a darker complexion and maybe aren't rich, they'll treat you nicely, but I do know they deny a lot of stuff to foreigners by default. It's usually that they don't want to have to deal with your lack of communcation skills.
The name thing isn't a rule. Many people use their spouse's name.
I dont know if its just japanese girls that I know, but they see like 10 guys at once
Hmmm I'd say somewhere in the middle would be perfect. Where say after 10 dates you'd confess one way or the other.
Im 36 and single, living in UK. Settling down is hard here. Too many go with the flow, 4 years long then deciding to end it relationships, and as a woman there's only so much time you have before biology clock reminds you your time will soon be up as far as reproduction abilities. The west leave things way too open ended and next thing you know you're old and going about life single. That said, I couldn't commit to someone after only 2 dates. I like to let time show someone's true colours. Hence I take the middle ground and say after certain number of dates there ought to be expected of us to have a discussion and decide to either be couples or to end it. No stringing each other along.
Hey Dave, not sure if you know the answer, but whats the deal with divorce in Japan? Do men get taken to the cleaners like they do in the western world? Alimony? Child Support? losing the house and getting the debt? any answers? Thanks!
It's kind of a savage setup. Women almost certainly without question get the kids. But the guy doesn't really have to pay. So the women has kids but now works so much she never sees them, and the guy has money but lost all his family. Divorce no matter where it is I think has a serious element of tragedy.
Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it!
Dave, would you say a western who is a introvert fits in better into Japanese society?
Many Japanese are introverts. Rather than looking at that aspect, you should ask yourself "Am I willing to learn Japanese, learn about Japanese culture and accept it, and deal with what I perceive to be annoying/crazy/nonsensical shit on a semi-regular basis?" If the answer is yes to all, then you will fit in regardless of intro/extravert.
Introvert or extrovert, confidence is what fits in anywhere.
I have to say, I think if they ask me for an allowance i'd be happy with whatever, or a whatever you;re having I would like the same kind of idea. As for the name, call me daddy anytime ;) haha, but seriously I am not one to use names for my partner often, although her name is lovely we have nicknames etc so
No man i cant do it the Japanese way. I would do in the american way.
The money thing is wrong. First because it strips, the man's pride, making him akin to a slave. Second, it creates a power imbalance. Third, because it makes the woman's budegting choices too important. IE, what if she is not good at it ? What if she makes mistakes or spend it on useless stuff. For a couple to work well with money, you need both party to be able to balance their opinion and make joint choices thought rationnally. Plus, moist accountant jobs are done by men, and women are too vulnerable to shopping sprees. So it's good to have both side watching each other.
Then the title stuff also is wrong. Love and connection doesn't stop when you have kids, it should become stronger. Your woman is not you okaasan or mama, your husband is not your otoosan or papa. Your spouse is someone you are supposed to flirt with and ignite passion in until you die. That's how you have quanliy relationships. You call you partner by his/her name, or some sweet name, but stay flirty. No wonder many peoples in Japan stop having sex once they have kids.
So how should someone should manage those things ? In the best possible way. Your couple has nothing to do with any state, nationality, culture or rule. Choose how you want to do it according to what you think is best. Not what the average of people (who are nowadays quite lousy and weak at relationships) do. Reach higher for and higher ideal. DO STUFF YOUR WAY. And find a partner who wants to do things freely and not according to some useless dogma made for the lazy brains.
Just meet your wife in the States(or wherever you are) before you come to Japan & you'll have none of those problems. haha
You may find, you have a few others. 😉
No doubt! Can't really explain it, but even after being here for 16 years, I still enjoy watching your vids! Keep on rocking bro
You'd be way happier in Taiwan. I think you need something new
I don’t think I will hand my financial situation over to my wife.
three reasons why japanese doesn't make good friends:
first, they makes zero efforts to speak other languages and anyway when we try to speak japanese they laugh at our accents and they don't forgive bad pronounciations
secondly, they refuse to show their feelings no matter how polite, kind and respectful we are. just because they refuse to put us in their friendship circle (in fact it's only when they get drunk, it's pathetic)
and thirdly, they love to criticize the others in their back. they judge them without knowing them, they don't give us any chance. they don't tell our mistakes, how can we improve ourselves.
i like japan, for what it has naturally, but i do not get why its locals are so well seen in the world.
We can't make it 60 mins???
Haha maybe the next one?
Haven't you seen Shane's videos/documentaries? Hahaha
@@sammg5902 no I haven't! What is the channel so I can check it out. I'm always on the lookout for interesting info about other cultures!
@@leighhennessy8212 well, he is american. I just referenced him because lately he's been making kind of documentaries regarding other youtubers he's been a big big one here and for several years. Literally just type "Shane" on the search bar hehe
Huh 🤔Very interesting. But you as a Canadian also have your our beliefs and culture. She can’t possibly expect you to follow the Japanese culture.
Your looking at it from YOUR culture. It could be said in reverse. “When in Rome” Dave.
Some facts are not correct. For instance couples can call each other by name.
They are Crazy mamá and papa
this is related to the birthrate
i could do without the music tbh
So what you’re saying is that if I have a kid with a Japanese chick, she’ll call me “daddy” all the time? Nice.
dude the pacing of your videos are like a grandpa these days. whats with the long ass music cuts? snore zzzzzzzzz
My wife is Japanese and our role is opposite. I give her an allowance. $ 50.00 a week or 5,000 a yen week. I keep the credit cards too. I explain to her that it should be who is best at controlling the money.
robertc190 with Japanese women that's especially dangerous since they literally litter money left and right on stupid shit every day. Especially considering how in Japan it's common to buy things which are trendy and mimic what others do because the whole society is like one big hive mind and Japanese hate to stand out from the crowd. First you see someone wears some stupid winter hat in spring, next week you see every third Japanese female wear the same stupid hat, even the same color. (I always chuckle when i see it since they wear it the exact same way low scum delinquent hooligan punks in my country wear it). Your wife is probably a very rare species like a shiny Pokémon if she's not a money littering machine..
5000¥ a week!!! So she’s shackled.
Been married to her 25 years!
It works for her.
Does she work? If so, that's a shitty arrangement for her, but if she's a stay at home wife/mother. That's not bad.
Newsflash: western culture is different from eastern culture from the island which was closed to the outer world for the most part of its history.
To Japanese western culture is ridiculously weird in many aspects. I'm not from an asian country but still there are tons of weird things in western culture for me. It's all about perspective. What's granted and obvious to you isn't like that for people from outside.
And even when you try to use and apply the knowledge from other cultures to your own culture it will fail to work most of the time since for example Canada and USA never had bushido and Confucianism. Trying to apply this "community" thing would already fail at the basic level since today Japan's views and way of thinking all root from these and had long deep history. Humans will travel to other galaxies in the future and even then Japan would still be the same as it is now with this.
Bit boring and really standard things. If you read one book about Japan you would have know them.
Were I to get to teach in Japan. IF I didn't have a relationship. I would not 'find a partner" in Japan. In this alone am I racist. I am only interested in other Caucasuans. ESPECIALLY Gingers. Its a Father Issue thing. Interesting to hear about it from a straight POV.
Don't care how rare gingers are.That os what I want, seek more than anything.
Wouldn't call you racist, just maybe a little shortsighted. Do you want to love somewhere for their looks or their personality? Wouldn't it be better to be a little flexible? Not saying you can't find the love of your life who is a ginger, just know you are severely limiting yourself by saying that. Just my two cents though!
It was absolutely not my intention to shame/demoralize and I was trying to be careful of that. So I'm sorry it came out that way. It was more just a word of caution. I've seen people be single for a long time because they were so picky. Which is fine, but then they complain that no one likes them. Everyone is free to do what they want of course.