Just remember, the frustration you feel explaining this to parents, is the same frustration they felt trying to raise you as a child... the frustrating student becomes the frustrated teacher.. :) Great video.
As a parent I hear you. But it is exhausting. Still have two adult sons living with us. One is identified as Aspergers, and pretty sure the other son is on spectrum. What if they never want to talk to you and are always in Defense mode. We need to move and they have to get on their own now. How do you talk to one who never wants to talk.
Oh my goodness yes! My six-year-old. I've been saying this to her teacher. Kindergarten has been terrible. We didn't have a diagnosis but I've been trying to study this kid from day one so I knew what works and what didn't and I knew what they called defiance was anxiety. They won't listen to me. They are on her to listen constantly. I keep saying stop and listen, show respect, try to understand (hard because she has speech delays, more important because she has speech delays because she's already stressed out trying to talk) give and she'll give back. Respect she'll respect back. Make sure she feels secure, safe.
The complex part is, the person with aspergers doesnt have the wisdom to function or to maintain logical common sense. "LISTEN TO LISTEN" whats the point? we listen to help, we listen to understand in order to find solutions. A parent of a Asperger child/young adult is similar to a parent of a non-autistic child. They both want the best. So to allow a person with Aspergers to just be is waiting for a car to crash. Ive been living with a person with aspergers (Young adult) and he is determined to do things his way and of course, his parents did what most parents do is they just let them do what they want to do allday like gaming since a child, Beccuase, its their "SAFE PLACE" and thats not reality. If that ideology was ok, then all mental institutions should free the patients and let them be and people who dont have ASD will just have to move aside and let people who cant guide themselves just be. I think they have to learn how to do things that are not in their safe place at times because thats how the real world turns. Some of us non-ASD people have been forced to see and experience things that was not in our safe place. The world is NOT ALWAYS A SAFE PLACE. I watch aot of video to find solutions and most of the video i see a very soft approach to this when i think it needs firmness. Playing along with a person witrh dementia is horrible. The healthy thing to do is let them know the facts in which they exist. *example Thank you for this video!
My brother is 47 and in heart failure because of his bad choices - food, drugs, smoking. He is about to have his 2nd surgery for putting in a different type of pacemaker. He is digging an early grave, daily. We praised him and gave him trust and space after the last surgery and he simply lied to us for months about the smoking and the drugs. He tries to stop the bad food habits but has not been successful. I ask him about how he feels and he has nothing to say. The one thing he responds to is my disappointment or my being upset. Ultimately I believe (and please weigh in on this), that he does not understand the consequences either short or long term or his choices. He lives in the moment and if it feels good he will do it. Can a person with Asperger's be taught to understand consequences? If so, how? Thank you for any input, especially from adults with Asperger's.
This may be too late to help with this. This is just my thoughts. If someone is going down that path there are a few major issues. First it sounds like he has nothing to look forward to in life, he is probably rather synical and thinks life is hard and has no rewards past those addictions. This is a really hard thing to solve, there is a series that helped me alot (or a channel) Called "The Pursuit of Wonder" th-cam.com/channels/-tLyAaPbRZiYrOJxAGB7dQ.html. He comes at it from a approach that appeals to this type of person (as I am one as well and is one of the few things that helped). Addiction is generally a symptom of lack of meaning hope and motivation for living life in general. There is a huge component in biology as well, people who have the will to live generally make better choices so if you can handle that then the addiction portion becomes possible. Without a reason to live you can not overcome addictions. Past that he needs to find a path to a happier safe life. If he is struggling to pay bills and just get by that is a huge reason to be in this state. I think he probably understands consequences (I may be wrong). He is probably just apathetic and doesn't care. There are plenty of positive things that come from addictions, needs get met through them. Consider trying to find better solutions to these needs, and remember Habits and addictions take alot of time and effort that needs motivation to overcome. If he is excited about life and is simply falling into addictions this is a different issue. Praise and trust are great but if praise is false they people can generally tell if you don't really believe or mean it. If i get praised for something like "you are really smart" It "might" end up feeling like your ignoring that really I have problems understanding things and you are just looking at the side of me you want to see. I am really smart, but more than that I need people to understand that things are different and hard. I feel a lot more validated in people recognizing the struggles and helping me solve them then compliments. Most if not all people want to be understood for who they really are. The good and the bad. A few examples: Your really smart (I think about) I can not read a textbook for more than 2 minutes. I know I am smart but its selective intelligence and its frustrating at times since its hard to figure out how or even if i can apply it to my real life in a way that makes a difference. At his age I imagine nothing will change quickly, for me I have been on my own with minimal support and by that I mean people who I can just talk to in a deep meaningful way. They generally just want to tell me how I should live my life without taking the time on understanding why I live my life the way I do. If I was going to summerise all of this I would say. Work on understanding why he makes his choices. Then if you can think of a way based on "his" desires and interests that it makes sense to get better. Work on understanding why he does what he does. He may not trust others to give a real answer right away as he has probably been hurt by the truth many times. Meet him on his level take the time to get his story, maybe earn his trust by sharing your own struggles. The most important thing though is if you want him to be real, you need to be real first. I can see fake people hiding things so easily and I imagine he can as well. A trait of Aspergers is generally focus and if you get his focus which you need he will know if your bullshitting. I hope this helps.
What about when you're crunched for time... I'd like to hear you out about why you think you can wear sandals in the snow but the school bus is waiting for you and you need to put your boots on before the bus leaves! Moments like those are rough and we have several of those. I feel like there isn't enough time to hear all of his viewpoints especially since he goes on for a while
I am still working on what to do in those moments also. But I did want to tell you that you are soooooo very much not alone in this. It is so hard to deal with this when time is a factor.
In this case I would compromise by saying, ok you’re going to be very cold, so how about putting your boots in a bag and taking it with you in case you change your mind about wearing sandals when your toes are freezing.
Just remember, the frustration you feel explaining this to parents, is the same frustration they felt trying to raise you as a child... the frustrating student becomes the frustrated teacher.. :)
Great video.
As a parent I hear you. But it is exhausting. Still have two adult sons living with us. One is identified as Aspergers, and pretty sure the other son is on spectrum. What if they never want to talk to you and are always in Defense mode. We need to move and they have to get on their own now. How do you talk to one who never wants to talk.
Oh my goodness yes! My six-year-old. I've been saying this to her teacher. Kindergarten has been terrible. We didn't have a diagnosis but I've been trying to study this kid from day one so I knew what works and what didn't and I knew what they called defiance was anxiety. They won't listen to me. They are on her to listen constantly. I keep saying stop and listen, show respect, try to understand (hard because she has speech delays, more important because she has speech delays because she's already stressed out trying to talk) give and she'll give back. Respect she'll respect back. Make sure she feels secure, safe.
I hate when the schools won't listen and understand.
Seems like the bigger issue is neurotypicals not listening.
The complex part is, the person with aspergers doesnt have the wisdom to function or to maintain logical common sense. "LISTEN TO LISTEN" whats the point? we listen to help, we listen to understand in order to find solutions. A parent of a Asperger child/young adult is similar to a parent of a non-autistic child. They both want the best. So to allow a person with Aspergers to just be is waiting for a car to crash. Ive been living with a person with aspergers (Young adult) and he is determined to do things his way and of course, his parents did what most parents do is they just let them do what they want to do allday like gaming since a child, Beccuase, its their "SAFE PLACE" and thats not reality. If that ideology was ok, then all mental institutions should free the patients and let them be and people who dont have ASD will just have to move aside and let people who cant guide themselves just be. I think they have to learn how to do things that are not in their safe place at times because thats how the real world turns. Some of us non-ASD people have been forced to see and experience things that was not in our safe place. The world is NOT ALWAYS A SAFE PLACE. I watch aot of video to find solutions and most of the video i see a very soft approach to this when i think it needs firmness. Playing along with a person witrh dementia is horrible. The healthy thing to do is let them know the facts in which they exist. *example Thank you for this video!
I wish I listened to this video 15 years ago.
I wish I knew my son is Aspie
before he shut- down.
My brother is 47 and in heart failure because of his bad choices - food, drugs, smoking. He is about to have his 2nd surgery for putting in a different type of pacemaker. He is digging an early grave, daily. We praised him and gave him trust and space after the last surgery and he simply lied to us for months about the smoking and the drugs. He tries to stop the bad food habits but has not been successful. I ask him about how he feels and he has nothing to say. The one thing he responds to is my disappointment or my being upset. Ultimately I believe (and please weigh in on this), that he does not understand the consequences either short or long term or his choices. He lives in the moment and if it feels good he will do it. Can a person with Asperger's be taught to understand consequences? If so, how? Thank you for any input, especially from adults with Asperger's.
This may be too late to help with this. This is just my thoughts. If someone is going down that path there are a few major issues. First it sounds like he has nothing to look forward to in life, he is probably rather synical and thinks life is hard and has no rewards past those addictions. This is a really hard thing to solve, there is a series that helped me alot (or a channel) Called "The Pursuit of Wonder" th-cam.com/channels/-tLyAaPbRZiYrOJxAGB7dQ.html. He comes at it from a approach that appeals to this type of person (as I am one as well and is one of the few things that helped). Addiction is generally a symptom of lack of meaning hope and motivation for living life in general. There is a huge component in biology as well, people who have the will to live generally make better choices so if you can handle that then the addiction portion becomes possible. Without a reason to live you can not overcome addictions. Past that he needs to find a path to a happier safe life. If he is struggling to pay bills and just get by that is a huge reason to be in this state.
I think he probably understands consequences (I may be wrong). He is probably just apathetic and doesn't care. There are plenty of positive things that come from addictions, needs get met through them. Consider trying to find better solutions to these needs, and remember Habits and addictions take alot of time and effort that needs motivation to overcome. If he is excited about life and is simply falling into addictions this is a different issue. Praise and trust are great but if praise is false they people can generally tell if you don't really believe or mean it. If i get praised for something like "you are really smart" It "might" end up feeling like your ignoring that really I have problems understanding things and you are just looking at the side of me you want to see. I am really smart, but more than that I need people to understand that things are different and hard. I feel a lot more validated in people recognizing the struggles and helping me solve them then compliments.
Most if not all people want to be understood for who they really are. The good and the bad.
A few examples:
Your really smart (I think about) I can not read a textbook for more than 2 minutes. I know I am smart but its selective intelligence and its frustrating at times since its hard to figure out how or even if i can apply it to my real life in a way that makes a difference.
At his age I imagine nothing will change quickly, for me I have been on my own with minimal support and by that I mean people who I can just talk to in a deep meaningful way. They generally just want to tell me how I should live my life without taking the time on understanding why I live my life the way I do.
If I was going to summerise all of this I would say. Work on understanding why he makes his choices. Then if you can think of a way based on "his" desires and interests that it makes sense to get better. Work on understanding why he does what he does. He may not trust others to give a real answer right away as he has probably been hurt by the truth many times. Meet him on his level take the time to get his story, maybe earn his trust by sharing your own struggles. The most important thing though is if you want him to be real, you need to be real first. I can see fake people hiding things so easily and I imagine he can as well. A trait of Aspergers is generally focus and if you get his focus which you need he will know if your bullshitting.
I hope this helps.
What about when you're crunched for time... I'd like to hear you out about why you think you can wear sandals in the snow but the school bus is waiting for you and you need to put your boots on before the bus leaves! Moments like those are rough and we have several of those. I feel like there isn't enough time to hear all of his viewpoints especially since he goes on for a while
I am still working on what to do in those moments also. But I did want to tell you that you are soooooo very much not alone in this. It is so hard to deal with this when time is a factor.
In this case I would compromise by saying, ok you’re going to be very cold, so how about putting your boots in a bag and taking it with you in case you change your mind about wearing sandals when your toes are freezing.
Intense.
I learn a lot today Thanks
Way to extinguish the caps lock :)
Dude its so vierd that dude at 7:05 like he can see me trough the camera
Xpert_Destroyer 4 lmao the death glare
Really real stuff.
Is it me or does this guy sound angry at neurotypical parents?
L