I used this video in order to break the ice with my dad about my bisexuality. He found out by accident, as did my religious family, and we had a huge blow up. He told me I was dishonouring and selfish for not thinking about how it makes my family feel, and how I don't know anything because I'm so young. I was hurt, I thought he had made so much progress and openly had such a different perspective about the world and about LGBT communities, especially considering how liberal my sisters and I are, and now I felt betrayed. I think sometimes it's typical that parents are "whatever" about it until they find out that one of their own kids is not heterosexual, or is transgender, and I was so upset that I was one of those kids with those parents. I was mad that I had gone years of being out and never facing bullying or exclusion from my peers, coworkers, siblings -- and now it was finally coming back to bite me. After some time, I went to him, dropped my laptop on his lap with this video and I said "don't talk to me until you've watched this". I had my hard conversation afterwards, and now he defends me against my extended family. I revisit this Ted Talk so often, it's my pick-me-up just when I need it.
George Harrison Your statement sounds like it has a negative undertone, I don't really understand... "Blab" makes it sound like I'm telling some secret or something about someone else. I'm sharing my experience and why this is important to me, and why I this Talk was significant. My "preferences", or lack thereof, are not exclusively "sexual" either. I'm not sharing intimidate or graphic details about my romantic life or something.
+Nacho You are blabbing not only to your family that you are bi-sexual, but to the entire world, and you have to say to me that you don't get it? My gawd. What is wrong with you? Just the word "bi-sexual" itself indicates you are speaking about your private life to people and blabbing about your sexual preferences. I can't even imagine you blabbing about your personal life to your parents, let alone the entire friggen world. It's not the fact that you are bi-sexual that makes it any problem. It's the fact of you announcing things so personal to your family and to the world that makes it so horrible. I mean no one wants to hear about someone's personal life. People have eyes and can see for themselves what's going on, or they don't. They don't need you to tell them, and it's really no one's business but your own. When will people like you 'get it" that none of us, especially strangers need to know about the personal details of your private life? Are you really THAT desperate for attention? Geez.
+George Harrison Honey, Nacho's just sharing a story relevant to the topic of the clip, as well as the reason why that talk might be so inspiring. There's nothing obscene or improper, either in the story, or the word "bisexual".
Really love what she said around 8 minutes in, about how she could go back to her table and make fun of what those people were saying, but instead, she chose to appreciate the fact that they were trying to show support.
The problem is when a kid asks a question that might seem impolite you have to remember the source... they're not coming to the conversation with the political, social, economic baggage adults have been straddled with in modern society.
It's like my stepson when my eldest daughter was born, he was 6 and his mum had just had a baby 6 weeks before me. He kept asking "are my brother and sister, brother and sister?" and people were getting annoyed with him. Then we took my stepsons out and he asked me. I just said to him "No, but do you understand why?" he shook his head so I explained "Your brother is your brother because you have the same mummy, your sister is your sister because you have the same daddy, but your brother's mummy and daddy are mummy and [his daddy] and your sister's mummy and daddy are me and daddy." and he was cool about it. He wasn't interested in family politics, he didn't understand why this was a bad question (which it's not anyway!) it didn't take much for him to get it.
Claire Harris-Bullows Ugh, that's terrible. A child should be commended for asking questions, not chastised or otherwise penalized. That sort of reaction would impair their ability and willingness to learn; after all, how are they supposed to learn about the world around them without questions?
David Hernandez How was she "chastising or otherwise penalizing" the children at all? If anything she has been a very open stepmother (and mother) who is willing to answer questions when they are asked. If this is an accurate representation of events, then she very much taught them about the "world around them" as much as they can understand at their age. All of that would have, and hopefully did, encourage more questions in the future.
This inspired me to come out of my closet, my closet which is depression, I've finally spoke out about it, I've finally decided to stop bottling it up, and the support I've received from everyone has been amazing.
A friend shared this link with me; so thrilled she did. Cried through most of it. I'll never know what it's like coming out as a lesbian, but I came out as an atheist to my devout Southern Baptist family. I lost some family for it...we all have our closets and as hard as they are to walk out of, we must.
What people often forget, conveniently sometimes, is that the 'human condition' is universal. Everyone has something. Something that hurts, something that helps, something that raises up, something that beats down, and the deep abiding fear that there is something wrong with them that everyone will hate them for when it comes to light. We feel as if we are in a leaking boat, adrift in a vast sea, and no one is looking for us. When in fact we are all bobbing around in the water, within arms reach of each other, and no where near alone on a planet with 8 billion people on it. Thank you Ash for sharing your insights.
This for me is not about homophobia. My closet was that I was mentally unwell. Depression, anxiety and OCD were my picks from the catalogue. Imagine my dismay to be blamed when someone very close to me fobbed off my "coming out" moment with a throw away line of "You'll get over it." I have never been able to get over that comment. I wish I could but it burns every time I see that person or just think about them. Ever since that time I have been passionate about sharing my story with the hope that it helps others come out of their closet.
#1 Be Authentic, you want someone to be real with you, you got to be real with them too. We all bleed. #2 Be Direct, You are who you are, say it. Don't give half answers that give people false hope. #3 Be Unapologetic: Apologize for mistakes you make, but NEVER apologize for who you are. ~Ash Beckham. Love it, thank you Ash.
This message, I felt, is more than a discussion on homophobia. She even said it herself. It's about being afraid and scared to tell someone anything of a major importance to you, whether be that you're gay, that you have cancer, even that you're pregnant. This is an AWESOME message for everyone.
I don't think that's what she wants people to do. It sounds like she chose to "have the hard talk" rather than....as she puts it....go militant on some one. But than again....it's your choice.
Milan Pavkovic I'm sorry you didn't get the very simple point I was making. So, allow me to rephrase myself: Ash just helped me understand it's okay to be myself and not let anybody stand in the way. ^ I hope that's easy enough to understand.
I would always watch this video when I was feeling bad about my self . Or just didn't feel like I would ever feel comfortable coming out .. Coming out isn't easy . But it's worth it. And you will feel so much better after doing it.
Her mentioning cancer really resonated with me as I lost friends when I had cancer. This is so common as to be expected, according to the blogosphere! I started to be a bit more careful of talking about it, my personality means that I was never in the closet about it, but I can see that some people would be.
Here is what I get when I tell people that I'm gay (Been out of closet since I was 16): "I know a girl from church who is gay.. she is nice" "Ellen Degeneres is so cool" "You don't *look* gay" "You're too pretty to be gay " "Oh wow. I think I might be gay too, how do you know if you are?" lol Completely awkward sometimes and random responses. I know they feel obligated to say something and think they are trying to be nice, so I let it go. One day I feel as though it will be as normal as telling people you are Catholic or vegetarian. Coming soon to a mind-set near you!
I was there once, and I know exactly what she means, and it was a sad and dark place, but when I finally got my life, by that I mean I left my parents house, I just didn't care anymore, and then I was really happy, and to all the haters, I don't really care about them, because what they think or say makes 0 difference in my life, especially when they say "You are not gay, you don't "look" like one, god will save you. that's the hint that they know nothing and yet plays as they hold all the answers,before being gay/straight/white/black we are all people and people are different, and it's incredible like everyone seems know how to live your life, instead of living theirs, but as they say,it's always easy to judge when you are standing on the sidelines...
I liked the fact that hard isn't relative. It's so liberating to accept that I am not the only one in coming out situation. Hard conversations can have multiple situations.
I am so terrified to come out of this dark place I'm in, all I can do is watch my life flash by through this tiny key hole and it's not even funny at all. But I tell you what, that day will come, I'll let the light in to see the colors on my walls, they probably look outstandingly beautiful...God strengthen me.
+Sinethemba Dywili Thank you, I feel like I'm almost comfortable now, as I use to shiver a little when the subject of homosexuality was raised, but now I talk about it openly...I've let some of my friends in, next thing I'll be moving on to family, but of course I have to be comfortable enough and be ready for anything.
This is a beautiful and powerful message. For me my closet is the broomcloset and it's hard to deal with it when all the people you love and your entire family is Christian. Whatever YOU are going through and whatever YOUR closet is, just remember that people fear what they don't know or what they don't understand. But know that you are still a beautiful, strong and worthy individual because of your uniqueness, because your scars and imperfections gives you depth and character. And those things equates a life lived fully and fearlessly. I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes by Anthony Hopkins "My philosophy is: It's none of my business what other people say of me or think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything."
i LOVE this. he demeanor while speaking irradiates such a peace and clarity amidst a crisis.. its just inspiring. Also.. i cant picture her in pony tail and heels hehe.
This is fantastic. I'm a bit unhappy with how often people see their own struggles as more relevant than others. Hard conversations need to be had. Between people and in culture as a whole. Empathy is possibly one of the most valuable parts of communication and it's amazing how little of it is used day to day.
Wondering if you are around my age, because I said on another comment that I have noticed how much empathy and caring about other's hurts seems to have all but disappeared. The ol' "look out for number one" seems to be the loudest cry of the day anymore. I totally agree with you! Take care
Rick Salt Happy birthday early or late.. I'll be 61 in September....You're still a youngin' haha/.. We're not old, we're "medium."//My grandkids buy that! :) Take care!
This speech was one of the most insightful and unexpected things I've ever heard. It was so full of wisdom. It really hit home with what I have been going through over my religious beliefs and I never thought of it as "a closet" but it certainly is. After "dying" in a car wreck and having an experience that went against what I was taught to believe, I kept my new beliefs inside so I could be accepted by people. It was like living in my own personal hell, and I'm sure that is what is felt by anyone living in their own closet. After many years and just a few months ago, I finally decided to face the music and started talking more openly around those I love but that I knew would probably never accept me. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Ash Beckham really helped me see things from a new perspective. Hard isn't relative. Hard is just hard. We all have more in common than we probably think as we work to have more happiness and peace of mind in our lives. I have great respect and appreciation for Ash, her wisdom and insight that helped her keep the clip on the grenade and deflate those situations that could have gone very differently!
I'm so glad I watched this. I saw it when it was first uploaded and I knew I had a closet to come out of but didn't know what it was. Finally found out I have asperger's and I've been able to bust down the door to my closet. It really is no place to live for anyone.
Hardest convo I have ever had was with my daughter when I found out she is bi. I was at that "table of politically correct old people trying to find the appropriate thing to say" I have never been so grateful for her understanding.
This was one of the most touching videos I've watched this year. Ash speaks some very confronting home truth's, yet we've all been there at least once and it's nice to know that at the end of the day, we're all human. Thanks for sharing Ash!
I learned in my life that we should be respectful for what we really are at any circumstance and never hide anything about our true character. Thanks for Nice Message.
This is so beautiful. Not only in her fluidity and confidence in how she presents, but really... I hear of the relief people find when someone epitomizes a feeling they've never been able to put into words, and this video was that moment for me. She articulates everything I've ever wanted to say to my dad in my whole life, and when he and my whole paternal family found out about my bisexuality, it exploded into this huge war I only thought I'd ever read about and never have to experience first hand... and now I have the words to confront him, for myself. Thank you.
This is powerful poetry, "There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard, to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard."
✨8:00-8:20 was the most powerful part of her speech.✨ It was about love and acceptance.💕I'm super girly and people judge me for that, but it's just who I am💁🎀👑.
Amazing. Truly the best TED Talk I have ever heard. Powerful in its simplicity. My only criticism would be to the uploader and the misleading description of the video. This is not a discussion on homophobia at all. I would urge you to correct this and as a result, allow more people to enjoy the universal truths of what Ms Beckham has to share.
I'm 17 and I'm am fully out as a lesbian at school. At home and to other family members I'm not. It's hard to come out when you know they won't react well to it. But it's who I am. Thank you so much for this :) you make it seem a little less scary.
+Jazzcal99 15 I dont think you have anything to worry about with the men in your family. Unless they literally live in church all day. Dont know about how female family members feel about homosexuality though. I'd tell the men first.
Brilliant! We can all say yeah well duh but putting this methodology into practice is much harder than it sounds. We must have those hard conversations and move on to truly life our lives.
Still love this. Helps me remember that sometimes the "pancake girl" in front of me is just asking a very simple questions, not challenging me to a duel at daybreak :)
THIS is truly awesome. What Ash talks about is universal- difficult conversations and being real. (It's not actually about homophobia, as the description notes (which is a limitation and a shame).) What she has to say is worth the 11 minutes.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
The point about not bashing on those who are trying is really poignant. Far too often, activists bash allies or supporters or simply people who do not belong to a certain group for not knowing everything immediately.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
Gee, God, thanks. This was said perfectly and poignantly. So many people waste their entire lives afraid to be themselves. So many. I welded my closet shut by force of will. I am a coward. I blame my parents but not so much as I blame myself. This speech is the speech we all need to be able to make but which all of us tragically are not actually able to make. For fear, for shame, for dread of the spectre of despair. You are brave and right - we are cowards and wrong and that's all there is about it.
Okay, quick thing that being unapologetic when admitting to your spouse that you've cheated on them will probably not go over particularly well but other than that, all golden!
That's why she made the distinction between apologizing for one's actions and one's state of being. The first is appropriate and mature. The latter is a recipe for shame.
No argument here. I'd argue that's not even a legitimate contention. Infidelity is an action a person chooses to commit. Blah, sorry. Enough existentialism from me.
elwynbrooks I was thinking the same thing. However, if that cheater is honest from the get go, and tells your they're a cheater, and is unapologetic about it, then it's our fault if you still choose to be with them. Of course, it's unlikely they'll be honest from the get go, but that's not the Ash's fault.
Good job and very insightful Ash. Being authentic and true to our self is the only way to find any real happiness, and it makes life so much easier to not live a lie.
I honestly love this video so much, and I really think that the issues covered in it are so eloquently covered. It has inspired me to create a speech for English on a similar topic, so thank you for this
I needed this. Thanks. I always get the "are you a boy or girl?" question and stares from young kids and I also come fighting ready for the next kid who asks me that. I shouldn't let it bother me so much and should respond to the the child in a similar way, just explaining the situation in simple terms like that.
Kids don't have the passive-aggressiveness and politically-charged baggage that adults do! They're just curious. And if you act comfortable in your own skin, they will understand that "people like you" are normal people, just like everyone else.
There's another lessons here other then importance of coming out. The story regarding the little girl shows how ones perception of predicted behavior of others is warped when under stress. Luckily she had the presence of mind to not verbally assault a kid with an inquiry. If Ash did berate her she may had confirmed bigoted ideals the little girl may or may not be being bombarded with. This would have likely contributed to a prejudicial view of lesbians due to one little incident. Ash being polite and informative to the girl adds one data point refuting the notion that gay people are evil. Plus you also don't want to punish a kids genuine curiosity regardless of the topic. Kids need data to crunch to understand the world to do that they need to ask question that might be deemed inappropriate.
There's one part about this video that I disagree with. She implies that coming out of the closet, and I mean the gay closet, needs to be done. No, it actually doesn't. Do straight people have to come out? No. Then why should gay people have to? Just because it's not the "norm"? If someone says to you, "why didn't you tell me you were gay?!" you should tell them, "why didn't you tell me you were straight?!" (assuming they are straight). If the people you love truly loved you back, they wouldn't need to question you as to why you never told them your sexuality. It shouldn't be something that you need to tell someone. Got a girlfriend? Cool. Got a boyfriend? Cool. End of story.
If only life were that perfect. Gay people make up less than 5% of the population. People simply automatically assume others to be straight, (and this is everybody, not just friends and family). If you meet someone who is black or disabled for instance, you immediately see the differences, but being gay is a hidden trait. Try putting yourself in their shoes for once. You may have a same sex partner you want to talk about, (hell, how many people go on about their spouses or kids?) or equally, you may wish to keep quiet about it, until the day you and your better half are invited to the office Christmas party. Then what? Gracefully decline and miss the fun, or watch everybody's jaw drop when you show up with your partner? It's not about shouting about it from the rooftops, but equally it is not about keeping a significant part of your life buried just to appease those that might find it offensive. Don't make your problem my problem.
There are still people who think that being gay is something bad, wrong, and like a crime, and they lump and relate to being a pedophile. Just like what the commenter Meng Lee Lim here said. (you just have to read his comments) People come out being gay of various reasons. One reason would be because of this kind of misunderstandings and wrong assumptions. Gay people have every right to defend themselves from whatever wrong assumptions and misunderstandings of any sort. I think that is why "coming out of the closet" (particularly being gay) needs to be done. :)
you do have a point, I haven't properly "come out of the closet" everyone just sorta knows that im bisexual as i know that most of them are straight. Yet some ppl do want to "come out" in the sense of not pretending to be hetero anymore.
I have lived in the dark for 45 years. I am so worn out and feel like my body is breaking down. Now married with two kids and a beautiful life, but no sex. Thankfully I talk to a few of my friends about this and share my hardships with my therapist. I feel trapped. I can't expose my kids to divorce. It would tear me apart. Some days I wish I was dead..... It would be so much easier. My closet is the darkest place on earth. I hate it. My advice: Don't wait. Just go for it. Don't be afraid.
Sorry to read you are so unhappy. At least you don't have to give sex to anyone. But surely your children sense your deep sadness, that must affect them on some level. :-(
At first, I thought, "well, this is probably just another gay talk and i am not interested to watch it" but no, I've decided to change that and told myself, to be open and to watch it. Wow, it was by far, the most inspiring video i've ever seen in my life. In fact, it touched me to the point where i told myself that whatever that has happened, there is a reason behind it and I don't have to want to feel bad for wanting the best for myself even if it means losing someone I love. Something great's gonna come out of it and I don't have to be afraid about wanting to be better. Thank you, Ash :)
In response to those who have opposed this video: we all too quickly forget the social sciences and humanities. This is a brilliant lesson, just as important as any relating to any other discipline. We need to pay attention; advances in science cannot function without advances in humanism. The metaphor speaks to the way in which we all relate-- as human beings who struggle to be authentic. There is a growing interest in the science of emotions and empathy. Social relationships and the individual experiences of internalized stigmas ARE scientific matters that are being studied across various academic disciplines. There is no intellectual thought without what we call "emotion;" to suggest that there is indicates a gross misunderstanding of psycho-physiology. Let's have some of the "hard scientists" get on board and work with humanists and social scientists, like Ash Beckham, to further educate the public about the relationship between neuroscience and society. Collaborative, interdisciplinary TED, please! And BRAVO, AB, for breaking this down in a way that many people will be able to understand. Good, honest, work.
I am a gay person and living in Turkey. I don't know why people think they need to tell people that they are gay, lesbien, trans, etc... Straight people don't tell they are straight. You just show it. Keep living your own life and people will understand whatever you are.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
I love this. I have my own closet and it's not sexuality and therefore, until this talk, I minimized my experience. My experience is. . . hard. Like yours and yours. Thank you for sharing.
This is the most touching and inspiring video I have ever seen and it has helped me explain to my children the same questions that they ask my gay and lesbian friends. Thank you so much for this post.
At first I was a little bored and thought this would be as in her own words a "militant lesbian" or femminist & sexist rant, but her comments we shouldn't look for harder or ranking situations people just have hard things to do sometimes and have different closets like admiting things they're unemployed/just lost a job, gone broke, divorced, split up whatever something you want to hide about youreself or your situation from friends and family, because of shame but really does you no favours in the long run. This was quite insightful and more inspiring way of thinking.
I can fully identify with what this woman is saying because I've been there and done that and I'm lucky I don't have any scars because of it. She is right we all have our own closets. A good friend one time asked me whats the difference between being in a rut, in a closet and in a grave? I didn't have an answer for him. His answer floored me "Nothing, they are all the same the only things that changes is the size." It took me a while to grasp what he had said... now it's your turn. Blessings all, be well and be safe
I used this video in order to break the ice with my dad about my bisexuality.
He found out by accident, as did my religious family, and we had a huge blow up. He told me I was dishonouring and selfish for not thinking about how it makes my family feel, and how I don't know anything because I'm so young. I was hurt, I thought he had made so much progress and openly had such a different perspective about the world and about LGBT communities, especially considering how liberal my sisters and I are, and now I felt betrayed. I think sometimes it's typical that parents are "whatever" about it until they find out that one of their own kids is not heterosexual, or is transgender, and I was so upset that I was one of those kids with those parents. I was mad that I had gone years of being out and never facing bullying or exclusion from my peers, coworkers, siblings -- and now it was finally coming back to bite me. After some time, I went to him, dropped my laptop on his lap with this video and I said "don't talk to me until you've watched this". I had my hard conversation afterwards, and now he defends me against my extended family. I revisit this Ted Talk so often, it's my pick-me-up just when I need it.
+Nacho I support you nacho
+Nacho
You blab your sexual preference to total strangers too.
George Harrison Your statement sounds like it has a negative undertone, I don't really understand... "Blab" makes it sound like I'm telling some secret or something about someone else. I'm sharing my experience and why this is important to me, and why I this Talk was significant. My "preferences", or lack thereof, are not exclusively "sexual" either. I'm not sharing intimidate or graphic details about my romantic life or something.
+Nacho
You are blabbing not only to your family that you
are bi-sexual, but to the entire world, and you have to say to me that you don't get it? My gawd.
What is wrong with you? Just the word "bi-sexual"
itself indicates you are speaking about your private life to people and blabbing about your
sexual preferences. I can't even imagine you
blabbing about your personal life to your parents,
let alone the entire friggen world. It's not the fact
that you are bi-sexual that makes it any problem.
It's the fact of you announcing things so personal
to your family and to the world that makes it so
horrible. I mean no one wants to hear about
someone's personal life. People have eyes and
can see for themselves what's going on, or they
don't. They don't need you to tell them, and it's
really no one's business but your own. When will
people like you 'get it" that none of us, especially
strangers need to know about the personal
details of your private life? Are you really THAT
desperate for attention? Geez.
+George Harrison Honey, Nacho's just sharing a story relevant to the topic of the clip, as well as the reason why that talk might be so inspiring. There's nothing obscene or improper, either in the story, or the word "bisexual".
Really love what she said around 8 minutes in, about how she could go back to her table and make fun of what those people were saying, but instead, she chose to appreciate the fact that they were trying to show support.
palmfrond Exactly! This kind of thoughts is what humanity is lacking!
That story about the little girl was amazing. Sometimes kids can be the most clear-sighted of us.
The problem is when a kid asks a question that might seem impolite you have to remember the source... they're not coming to the conversation with the political, social, economic baggage adults have been straddled with in modern society.
It's like my stepson when my eldest daughter was born, he was 6 and his mum had just had a baby 6 weeks before me. He kept asking "are my brother and sister, brother and sister?" and people were getting annoyed with him.
Then we took my stepsons out and he asked me. I just said to him "No, but do you understand why?" he shook his head so I explained "Your brother is your brother because you have the same mummy, your sister is your sister because you have the same daddy, but your brother's mummy and daddy are mummy and [his daddy] and your sister's mummy and daddy are me and daddy." and he was cool about it.
He wasn't interested in family politics, he didn't understand why this was a bad question (which it's not anyway!) it didn't take much for him to get it.
Claire Harris-Bullows Ugh, that's terrible. A child should be commended for asking questions, not chastised or otherwise penalized. That sort of reaction would impair their ability and willingness to learn; after all, how are they supposed to learn about the world around them without questions?
David Hernandez How was she "chastising or otherwise penalizing" the children at all? If anything she has been a very open stepmother (and mother) who is willing to answer questions when they are asked. If this is an accurate representation of events, then she very much taught them about the "world around them" as much as they can understand at their age. All of that would have, and hopefully did, encourage more questions in the future.
Garlish I believe David Hernandez was referring to people getting annoyed with Claire's son, not Claire herself.
Too much blood has flown from the wrists of people afraid to show who they really are. This is unacceptable.
True
I'm one of those persons
*not enough
This inspired me to come out of my closet, my closet which is depression, I've finally spoke out about it, I've finally decided to stop bottling it up, and the support I've received from everyone has been amazing.
Jack Daniels you go first :)
Bro thinks he's tough talking on TH-cam 😭 if you ever see me in the streets you better run because I dont play no games.
She's not angry. She's brilliant. This women helps me with just this video. Thank you, Ash!
Nah
6:01 - 'when you keep the truth about yourself a secret, you're essentially holding a grenade.'
This bit hit me
A friend shared this link with me; so thrilled she did. Cried through most of it. I'll never know what it's like coming out as a lesbian, but I came out as an atheist to my devout Southern Baptist family. I lost some family for it...we all have our closets and as hard as they are to walk out of, we must.
Well, this was a truly inspirational talk and applies to everyone regardless of their sexuality. Hard is not relative, Hard is Hard.
I was going to say the same thing!
I disagree
What people often forget, conveniently sometimes, is that the 'human condition' is universal.
Everyone has something. Something that hurts, something that helps, something that raises up, something that beats down, and the deep abiding fear that there is something wrong with them that everyone will hate them for when it comes to light.
We feel as if we are in a leaking boat, adrift in a vast sea, and no one is looking for us. When in fact we are all bobbing around in the water, within arms reach of each other, and no where near alone on a planet with 8 billion people on it.
Thank you Ash for sharing your insights.
Something she said ...Kudos. "The only story that matters... is the one you want to write."
This for me is not about homophobia. My closet was that I was mentally unwell. Depression, anxiety and OCD were my picks from the catalogue. Imagine my dismay to be blamed when someone very close to me fobbed off my "coming out" moment with a throw away line of "You'll get over it." I have never been able to get over that comment. I wish I could but it burns every time I see that person or just think about them. Ever since that time I have been passionate about sharing my story with the hope that it helps others come out of their closet.
#1 Be Authentic, you want someone to be real with you, you got to be real with them too. We all bleed.
#2 Be Direct, You are who you are, say it. Don't give half answers that give people false hope.
#3 Be Unapologetic: Apologize for mistakes you make, but NEVER apologize for who you are.
~Ash Beckham.
Love it, thank you Ash.
Ratioooo
This message, I felt, is more than a discussion on homophobia. She even said it herself. It's about being afraid and scared to tell someone anything of a major importance to you, whether be that you're gay, that you have cancer, even that you're pregnant. This is an AWESOME message for everyone.
I'm the 11th word in yo sentence
"In the dark, you can't tell what colour the walls are. You just know what it feels like, to live in a closet." Sadly so relatable.
If you wanna be real with somebody, expect real back. And never apologize for who you are. Loved this talk, Ash is just amazing❤
Is
Such a powerful speech... Ash just helped motivate me to stick my middle fingers up at haters and just live!
I don't think that's what she wants people to do. It sounds like she chose to "have the hard talk" rather than....as she puts it....go militant on some one. But than again....it's your choice.
Sounds like you are the hater if you are going to be sticking up middle fingers at people hey!!
Milan Pavkovic
I'm sorry you didn't get the very simple point I was making. So, allow me to rephrase myself: Ash just helped me understand it's okay to be myself and not let anybody stand in the way.
^ I hope that's easy enough to understand.
Don't be sorry. I got your simple point the first time. I just don't agree friend.
Milan Pavkovic You don't agree that people should be able to be themselves?
I would always watch this video when I was feeling bad about my self . Or just didn't feel like I would ever feel comfortable coming out .. Coming out isn't easy . But it's worth it. And you will feel so much better after doing it.
S
Her mentioning cancer really resonated with me as I lost friends when I had cancer. This is so common as to be expected, according to the blogosphere! I started to be a bit more careful of talking about it, my personality means that I was never in the closet about it, but I can see that some people would be.
Here is what I get when I tell people that I'm gay (Been out of closet since I was 16): "I know a girl from church who is gay.. she is nice" "Ellen Degeneres is so cool" "You don't *look* gay" "You're too pretty to be gay " "Oh wow. I think I might be gay too, how do you know if you are?" lol Completely awkward sometimes and random responses. I know they feel obligated to say something and think they are trying to be nice, so I let it go. One day I feel as though it will be as normal as telling people you are Catholic or vegetarian. Coming soon to a mind-set near you!
I was there once, and I know exactly what she means, and it was a sad and dark place, but when I finally got my life, by that I mean I left my parents house, I just didn't care anymore, and then I was really happy, and to all the haters, I don't really care about them, because what they think or say makes 0 difference in my life, especially when they say "You are not gay, you don't "look" like one, god will save you. that's the hint that they know nothing and yet plays as they hold all the answers,before being gay/straight/white/black we are all people and people are different, and it's incredible like everyone seems know how to live your life, instead of living theirs, but as they say,it's always easy to judge when you are standing on the sidelines...
I liked the fact that hard isn't relative. It's so liberating to accept that I am not the only one in coming out situation. Hard conversations can have multiple situations.
I am so terrified to come out of this dark place I'm in, all I can do is watch my life flash by through this tiny key hole and it's not even funny at all. But I tell you what, that day will come, I'll let the light in to see the colors on my walls, they probably look outstandingly beautiful...God strengthen me.
+Mlamuli Phungula It's a journey. Do it when you are ready and feel comfortable with yourself and 'sexuality'.
+Sinethemba Dywili Thank you, I feel like I'm almost comfortable now, as I use to shiver a little when the subject of homosexuality was raised, but now I talk about it openly...I've let some of my friends in, next thing I'll be moving on to family, but of course I have to be comfortable enough and be ready for anything.
+Mlamuli Phungula
You came out of your mothers womb when you were
born. That's the main dark place.
This is a beautiful and powerful message. For me my closet is the broomcloset and it's hard to deal with it when all the people you love and your entire family is Christian. Whatever YOU are going through and whatever YOUR closet is, just remember that people fear what they don't know or what they don't understand. But know that you are still a beautiful, strong and worthy individual because of your uniqueness, because your scars and imperfections gives you depth and character. And those things equates a life lived fully and fearlessly. I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes by Anthony Hopkins "My philosophy is: It's none of my business what other people say of me or think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything."
I loved the story with the little girl. Kids rarely judge anybody; they just want to be loved and have fun.
Thanks Ash! This is one of the best videos I have listened to. Eloquent, simple and understandable, but so deep, so thanks. Thanks.
I have been asked the same question many times over the years and i always answered Yes and left it at that.
"All a closet is is a hard conversation." Love it!
Ash Beckham, you might have just changed/saved my life, so thanks.
i LOVE this. he demeanor while speaking irradiates such a peace and clarity amidst a crisis.. its just inspiring. Also.. i cant picture her in pony tail and heels hehe.
This is fantastic. I'm a bit unhappy with how often people see their own struggles as more relevant than others. Hard conversations need to be had. Between people and in culture as a whole. Empathy is possibly one of the most valuable parts of communication and it's amazing how little of it is used day to day.
Ratic
great talk , I notice in the comments , empathy is a quality
a lot of people still don't have a grasp of .
Wondering if you are around my age, because I said on another comment that I have noticed how much empathy and caring about other's hurts seems to have all but disappeared. The ol' "look out for number one" seems to be the loudest cry of the day anymore. I totally agree with you! Take care
Mary Mclocke have empathy for me or is that sympathy ,ha ha , I'm turning 57 in a few days .
Rick Salt Happy birthday early or late.. I'll be 61 in September....You're still a youngin' haha/.. We're not old, we're "medium."//My grandkids buy that! :) Take care!
This speech was one of the most insightful and unexpected things I've ever heard. It was so full of wisdom. It really hit home with what I have been going through over my religious beliefs and I never thought of it as "a closet" but it certainly is. After "dying" in a car wreck and having an experience that went against what I was taught to believe, I kept my new beliefs inside so I could be accepted by people. It was like living in my own personal hell, and I'm sure that is what is felt by anyone living in their own closet. After many years and just a few months ago, I finally decided to face the music and started talking more openly around those I love but that I knew would probably never accept me. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Ash Beckham really helped me see things from a new perspective. Hard isn't relative. Hard is just hard. We all have more in common than we probably think as we work to have more happiness and peace of mind in our lives. I have great respect and appreciation for Ash, her wisdom and insight that helped her keep the clip on the grenade and deflate those situations that could have gone very differently!
I'm so glad I watched this. I saw it when it was first uploaded and I knew I had a closet to come out of but didn't know what it was. Finally found out I have asperger's and I've been able to bust down the door to my closet. It really is no place to live for anyone.
Hardest convo I have ever had was with my daughter when I found out she is bi. I was at that "table of politically correct old people trying to find the appropriate thing to say" I have never been so grateful for her understanding.
This was one of the most touching videos I've watched this year. Ash speaks some very confronting home truth's, yet we've all been there at least once and it's nice to know that at the end of the day, we're all human. Thanks for sharing Ash!
I learned in my life that we should be respectful for what we really are at any circumstance and never hide anything about our true character. Thanks for Nice Message.
A brilliant talk. Relevant to all of us. "That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write."
This is so beautiful. Not only in her fluidity and confidence in how she presents, but really... I hear of the relief people find when someone epitomizes a feeling they've never been able to put into words, and this video was that moment for me. She articulates everything I've ever wanted to say to my dad in my whole life, and when he and my whole paternal family found out about my bisexuality, it exploded into this huge war I only thought I'd ever read about and never have to experience first hand... and now I have the words to confront him, for myself. Thank you.
This is powerful poetry, "There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard, to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard."
✨8:00-8:20 was the most powerful part of her speech.✨ It was about love and acceptance.💕I'm super girly and people judge me for that, but it's just who I am💁🎀👑.
I loved this speech. I'm a pretty boring straight middle aged midwestern mom but I think she had an awesome point, a well delivered and moving speech.
+Palyne Gaenir - Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and think about it. We're nowhere without our allies.
Bro thinks he's tough talking on TH-cam 😭 if you ever see me in the streets you better run because I dont play no games.
Amazing. Truly the best TED Talk I have ever heard. Powerful in its simplicity. My only criticism would be to the uploader and the misleading description of the video. This is not a discussion on homophobia at all. I would urge you to correct this and as a result, allow more people to enjoy the universal truths of what Ms Beckham has to share.
I'm 17 and I'm am fully out as a lesbian at school. At home and to other family members I'm not. It's hard to come out when you know they won't react well to it. But it's who I am. Thank you so much for this :) you make it seem a little less scary.
+Jazzcal99 15 I dont think you have anything to worry about with the men in your family. Unless they literally live in church all day. Dont know about how female family members feel about homosexuality though. I'd tell the men first.
"Stupid Hypothalamus" ... 9:13 ... Hilarious! The entire talk was fantastic - thank you!
Brilliant! We can all say yeah well duh but putting this methodology into practice is much harder than it sounds. We must have those hard conversations and move on to truly life our lives.
This is the 5382058th time I have shared this with a friend. Hands down my favorite Tedtalk. Hard is hard is hard.... I have to remind my self often.
Beautiful. Thank you. I don't know of a single person who is not trapped in one closet or another. Never be afraid or ashamed of your TRUTH.
The story about the little girl was the cutest ^^
If only it were that easy with everyone
Still love this. Helps me remember that sometimes the "pancake girl" in front of me is just asking a very simple questions, not challenging me to a duel at daybreak :)
THIS is truly awesome. What Ash talks about is universal- difficult conversations and being real. (It's not actually about homophobia, as the description notes (which is a limitation and a shame).) What she has to say is worth the 11 minutes.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
The point about not bashing on those who are trying is really poignant. Far too often, activists bash allies or supporters or simply people who do not belong to a certain group for not knowing everything immediately.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
You literally just saved my life. As a gay hiv+ male, I was ready to kill myself. After watching this, I'm getting help.
Hope you are doing better
🙏🏽🙏🏽 you good?
What an amazing and brave lady. I've watched this three times now and could watch it another ten and still feel the same. Let freedom ring
Gee, God, thanks. This was said perfectly and poignantly. So many people waste their entire lives afraid to be themselves. So many. I welded my closet shut by force of will. I am a coward. I blame my parents but not so much as I blame myself. This speech is the speech we all need to be able to make but which all of us tragically are not actually able to make. For fear, for shame, for dread of the spectre of despair. You are brave and right - we are cowards and wrong and that's all there is about it.
Okay, quick thing that being unapologetic when admitting to your spouse that you've cheated on them will probably not go over particularly well but other than that, all golden!
That's why she made the distinction between apologizing for one's actions and one's state of being. The first is appropriate and mature. The latter is a recipe for shame.
I've heard people use the justification that "I'm a cheater that's just who I am", which is ... problematic, to say the least? 'Tis all I meant.
No argument here. I'd argue that's not even a legitimate contention. Infidelity is an action a person chooses to commit. Blah, sorry. Enough existentialism from me.
elwynbrooks I was thinking the same thing. However, if that cheater is honest from the get go, and tells your they're a cheater, and is unapologetic about it, then it's our fault if you still choose to be with them. Of course, it's unlikely they'll be honest from the get go, but that's not the Ash's fault.
What a great video. I hope that more people can open their heart and hear your message. Peace.
Excellent message.
As an odd aside; I found her voice and cadence incredibly relaxing. Could listen to her speaking forever.
This should be thought at schols.. Like, world wide, in exact this way!
#truth
I loved this... Esp "the only story that matters is the one you want to write." Thanks for the inspiration!
Can't believe I met her at the NJ GSA Forum yesterday! :D She was so cool!
Good job and very insightful Ash. Being authentic and true to our self is the only way to find any real happiness, and it makes life so much easier to not live a lie.
I honestly love this video so much, and I really think that the issues covered in it are so eloquently covered. It has inspired me to create a speech for English on a similar topic, so thank you for this
I needed this. Thanks. I always get the "are you a boy or girl?" question and stares from young kids and I also come fighting ready for the next kid who asks me that. I shouldn't let it bother me so much and should respond to the the child in a similar way, just explaining the situation in simple terms like that.
Kids don't have the passive-aggressiveness and politically-charged baggage that adults do! They're just curious. And if you act comfortable in your own skin, they will understand that "people like you" are normal people, just like everyone else.
There's another lessons here other then importance of coming out. The story regarding the little girl shows how ones perception of predicted behavior of others is warped when under stress.
Luckily she had the presence of mind to not verbally assault a kid with an inquiry. If Ash did berate her she may had confirmed bigoted ideals the little girl may or may not be being bombarded with. This would have likely contributed to a prejudicial view of lesbians due to one little incident. Ash being polite and informative to the girl adds one data point refuting the notion that gay people are evil.
Plus you also don't want to punish a kids genuine curiosity regardless of the topic. Kids need data to crunch to understand the world to do that they need to ask question that might be deemed inappropriate.
Great message!
This is a wonderful talk about everyone having "closets." If you miss the message then you're not really listening.
Apologize for what you've done but never apologize for who you are.
Pickle chin
The talk is not about homophobia at all. She says clearly at the beginning.
Listen with an open mind. We all have closets. Thank you to one of the people I love the most for sharing this with me.
This just changed my whole perspective of coming out and it doesn't seem so scary anymore.
There's one part about this video that I disagree with. She implies that coming out of the closet, and I mean the gay closet, needs to be done. No, it actually doesn't.
Do straight people have to come out? No. Then why should gay people have to? Just because it's not the "norm"? If someone says to you, "why didn't you tell me you were gay?!" you should tell them, "why didn't you tell me you were straight?!" (assuming they are straight).
If the people you love truly loved you back, they wouldn't need to question you as to why you never told them your sexuality. It shouldn't be something that you need to tell someone. Got a girlfriend? Cool. Got a boyfriend? Cool. End of story.
If only life were that perfect. Gay people make up less than 5% of the population. People simply automatically assume others to be straight, (and this is everybody, not just friends and family).
If you meet someone who is black or disabled for instance, you immediately see the differences, but being gay is a hidden trait. Try putting yourself in their shoes for once. You may have a same sex partner you want to talk about, (hell, how many people go on about their spouses or kids?) or equally, you may wish to keep quiet about it, until the day you and your better half are invited to the office Christmas party. Then what? Gracefully decline and miss the fun, or watch everybody's jaw drop when you show up with your partner?
It's not about shouting about it from the rooftops, but equally it is not about keeping a significant part of your life buried just to appease those that might find it offensive. Don't make your problem my problem.
There are still people who think that being gay is something bad, wrong, and like a crime, and they lump and relate to being a pedophile. Just like what the commenter Meng Lee Lim here said. (you just have to read his comments) People come out being gay of various reasons. One reason would be because of this kind of misunderstandings and wrong assumptions. Gay people have every right to defend themselves from whatever wrong assumptions and misunderstandings of any sort. I think that is why "coming out of the closet" (particularly being gay) needs to be done. :)
you do have a point, I haven't properly "come out of the closet" everyone just sorta knows that im bisexual as i know that most of them are straight.
Yet some ppl do want to "come out" in the sense of not pretending to be hetero anymore.
This is a video all should see.
All a closet is...is a hard conversation...I SO believe that!
I have lived in the dark for 45 years. I am so worn out and feel like my body is breaking down. Now married with two kids and a beautiful life, but no sex. Thankfully I talk to a few of my friends about this and share my hardships with my therapist. I feel trapped. I can't expose my kids to divorce. It would tear me apart. Some days I wish I was dead..... It would be so much easier. My closet is the darkest place on earth. I hate it. My advice: Don't wait. Just go for it. Don't be afraid.
Sorry to read you are so unhappy. At least you don't have to give sex to anyone. But surely your children sense your deep sadness, that must affect them on some level. :-(
At first, I thought, "well, this is probably just another gay talk and i am not interested to watch it" but no, I've decided to change that and told myself, to be open and to watch it. Wow, it was by far, the most inspiring video i've ever seen in my life. In fact, it touched me to the point where i told myself that whatever that has happened, there is a reason behind it and I don't have to want to feel bad for wanting the best for myself even if it means losing someone I love. Something great's gonna come out of it and I don't have to be afraid about wanting to be better.
Thank you, Ash :)
In response to those who have opposed this video: we all too quickly forget the social sciences and humanities. This is a brilliant lesson, just as important as any relating to any other discipline. We need to pay attention; advances in science cannot function without advances in humanism. The metaphor speaks to the way in which we all relate-- as human beings who struggle to be authentic. There is a growing interest in the science of emotions and empathy. Social relationships and the individual experiences of internalized stigmas ARE scientific matters that are being studied across various academic disciplines. There is no intellectual thought without what we call "emotion;" to suggest that there is indicates a gross misunderstanding of psycho-physiology. Let's have some of the "hard scientists" get on board and work with humanists and social scientists, like Ash Beckham, to further educate the public about the relationship between neuroscience and society. Collaborative, interdisciplinary TED, please! And BRAVO, AB, for breaking this down in a way that many people will be able to understand. Good, honest, work.
I am a gay person and living in Turkey. I don't know why people think they need to tell people that they are gay, lesbien, trans, etc... Straight people don't tell they are straight. You just show it. Keep living your own life and people will understand whatever you are.
Great TedX talk, Ash!
#1 - Authenticity ... Absolutely!
i wanna hug this women for these wise words.
you my lady are an inspiration and you speak the truth !!!
Damn! Straight or gay, doesn't matter. This. Was. Amazing.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
I love this. I have my own closet and it's not sexuality and therefore, until this talk, I minimized my experience. My experience is. . . hard. Like yours and yours. Thank you for sharing.
This is the most touching and inspiring video I have ever seen and it has helped me explain to my children the same questions that they ask my gay and lesbian friends. Thank you so much for this post.
Fantastic speech here and so very true. Hard is not relative. Hard is hard.
Love: "Never apologize for who you are."
Your closet isn't a different color then yours.. I love that quote out of the whole clip!!
My heart is so wide open ...thank you for your courage...
amazing.
I understand the struggle, it makes us all stronger to go through all that we do in this thing we call life.
I love listening to Ash Beckham speak.
We should be taking this approach with all societal disparative issues
This is beautiful, Ash. Thank you so much for showing up and helping us see our own closets and how we can throw our grenades with grace!
At first I was a little bored and thought this would be as in her own words a "militant lesbian" or femminist & sexist rant, but her comments we shouldn't look for harder or ranking situations people just have hard things to do sometimes and have different closets like admiting things they're unemployed/just lost a job, gone broke, divorced, split up whatever something you want to hide about youreself or your situation from friends and family, because of shame but really does you no favours in the long run. This was quite insightful and more inspiring way of thinking.
Rainbows are amazing! Thank you for making this. This can really help people who are struggling with themselves!
Luuving Mr Rogers at 9:37! Hah! This was a really moving piece. You are absolutely right, everyone has a closet. Thank you for sharing your gift!
This was truly liberating best preech/speech I've ever heard.just fantastic.good job.
Incredibly touching. It went straight to the heart.
Awesomeness beyond words. Wow - just wow.
I love the way she argues against the notion of victimization. She's awesome.
I can fully identify with what this woman is saying because I've been there and done that and I'm lucky I don't have any scars because of it. She is right we all have our own closets.
A good friend one time asked me whats the difference between being in a rut, in a closet and in a grave? I didn't have an answer for him. His answer floored me "Nothing, they are all the same the only things that changes is the size." It took me a while to grasp what he had said... now it's your turn. Blessings all, be well and be safe
Sie