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Making is a time for learning and growing. I always walk away from the workbench with the reminder that I have so much to learn, whether it's machining skills or relationship skills. It reminds me to be humble.
The “me” time away from my husband & kids is what helped me navigate (sometimes barely survive) the VERY difficult, extended periods where I had to be the caretaker/administrator/manager of a home where everyone else had significant (diagnosed) mental & behavioral health challenges. I encourage everyone to keep the airplane “put your oxygen mask on first” philosophy as your baseline. You have to refill *your* energy levels before you can be there for someone else. It is an investment in your longevity.
I think my problem is that, in the moment, no. But 4 years ago I lost my grandmother, and I was spending too much time with my hobbies to spend time with her. Those are the times that I can never get back. I think such things are true with children, and that perspective is what you learn and have to deal with after the time has passed. Whatever happens. It is life, and it does not pause for anyone or anything. It is time and it keeps going forward, as do you. While there are definitely things that you have to take into account like compulsive sort of actions, or addictive traits of things... even apart from the maker space, I think that a balance is the hard part of life. And that's okay. Life is not easy. People who tell you that it's easy are asking you to send them money on a 1.800 number because it will make you feel better.
This is something I've definitely struggled with... It's definitely a balance. The best piece of advice I have received is that making, for me, is therapeutic, recharging, and makes me happier. By taking the time for me, I'm a better version of myself when I'm with friends and family, and I'm that much better prepared to handle the challenges that come with those relationships.
Society needs more elder nerds like Adam, who are able to illustrate and articulate what goes through all of our minds and hearts. His earned perspective his so incredibly valuable and sharpens the focus of my own experience with every video.
I believe that there is still a whole bunch of those types of people. However, the society that we live in now where it’s mostly social media they just stay in the garage they don’t ever come on TH-cam because all I think negativity towards them it used to be he would go over to your neighbors house and just watch them work Now that’s not the thing I mean my mom doesn’t even call me she texts me like when did that stop? I just think it’s a society that we live in now.
Amen to the first question. I feel that way every day. I’m scared to be successful due to the fact that I will be in my sharage every day all the time and it will take away from my family and that is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have a very supporting family and a supporting wife, but our household is different than the norm. My wife works she’s in the Navy. She gets deployed and goes underway and I am the one that stays home. I take care of the kids I do the laundry I cook dinner I clean the house, it’s funny when we call to make a appointment with the military doctor they always think that my wife is the spouse and I am the sponsor because I’m a man and it’s just not normal crazy
Secret is to bring your family into your maker world. Find projects you can all get into. My kids spent a lot of time in the shop with me. Now grown, they do the same with their kids. It's not one or the other-have it all.
It also depends on what you are doing in the shop. My father was spending time with me when i was young and he had some boards to cut and thought i could be helpful. After almost cutting him by accident, i was never asked to help out with that again even though i was interested in learning.
Kids do have personalities and preferences, of course. If you can get the family involved that's great, and it's important to give them the chance. But making may just not click for them. Or they may prefer to be creative in a different field.
Making is sanity. Especially with everything going on. But you're also helping your subscribers out as well. Thank you for you enthusiasm in being a 'maker'.
My mother is one who simply cannot stop. She can't have idle hands. Despite being half blind in one eye, diabetic and well over 80 years old she is *constantly* making something. She *needs* to be able to do that for her own sanity. My father is 90 and drives her berserk as he used to constantly be tinkering with something, could be a car, motorbike or an RC aircraft. He can't do that anymore and it shows. We need our hobbies, be they making or simply tinkering, to keep us whole. We lose something when we can't do them anymore.
Completely agree and would add that my female ancestors would get upset with me if i tried to help them with their traditionally gendered chores like cooking or cleaning. It took me a long time to learn that their behavior wasn't because i was an inept helper or that i was just in the way or because it was a secret. They actually seemed to feel that it was how they proved their worth to the family so doing those chores was their duty. If i helped or did those things for them then they acted like i had stolen their contributions to the family and damaged their confidence as women. Sadly, i had to seek other place to learn how to do these things for myself which sounds completely backwards to the way i think it should have been. Especially since it seems like a way to trap me into a relationship with someone who has the same "spouse competition" thinking as them because there was a time not too long ago where there weren't places to learn many things outside of your family. I am not saying this family dynamic is wrong, especially when there are many people who are better off receiving guidance through traditions because they struggle and often fail when trying to figure out things for themselves. I am only saying that it seems to me that a partnership fueled by teamwork and open communication would create a much healthier family environment for me.
Thank you so much for answering my question! To have contributed to a Tested video is thrilling and inspiring in a way I didn’t anticipate. You’re a godsend, Adam and crew.
I work 12 hour days. I don't get nearly the time I would like to, spend on my hobby. I make time on the weekends and, luckily, my wife supports it. She knows I need this time to decompress. Never feel guilty, for your hobby. It is one of the most catharic things you can do in this, mad world in which we live, right now. Just my 2 cents .
Not to mention, if your man is making stuff, he isn't running around on you. Ladies, support your mans hobbies, as he should support yours! Marriages need at least some time apart for personal time. A personal observation i have made is that couples who are together ALL THE TIME tend to be miserable. It's not a truism, but i honestly believe that you need time to yourself, to do what YOU want. And both partners need this to stay sane and mentally balanced.
I think part of figuring out your house and partnership is learning each other weaknesses. Mine is organization and remembering tasks. My partner has a hard time dealing with the kids toys and messes. She puts the dishes in and I put them away. We work to our strengths and help each other without question.
Every word of this episode resonated deeply with me. These are things I’ve struggled with all my life in my relationships with others and my ability to fall deeply into whatever I’m doing at the time and excluding the world around me. Thank you for sharing this question and your insights.
To be perfectly honest Adam, People don't REALLY watch you for the 'making'. Your Subcribers and fans love you! You add value to their lives. You're a good man Adam. 👍
I do watch Adam for the 'making' , but what you said was well put, heartfelt and just plain nice. As an old guy I'm happy to see there are good people out there.
It is always healthy for yourself and your relationships to have some alone time as long as your significant other has the same opportunity both personally and financially. That said, the fact that you have this kind of concern shows that you care. The best thing to do is communicate with your significant other to see how they feel. The communication aspect was something my wife severely neglected as she pumped a disproportionate amount of our expendable income into her hobby, horses, and expected me to help while I neglected my own hobbies and it became expected that my free time was devoted to her and her hobby. In the end it was my fault, I let it happen and by the time I brought up the subject, the damage was done to both me personally and our relationship which ended with me filing for divorce.
Perfectly said. Some people say that a relationship is about sacrifice. But that's totally wrong. Sometimes you make a sacrifice for the sake of a relationship but it should never be the defining action in the relationship. And it should never be coming from just one person. When that dies become the trend you need to communicate about it or it will slowly turn the relationship toxic. Which is a real shame.
Easily this is one of the best youtube channels available. Thank you for the extremely thoughtful and honest reflections, they help so massively, I think you would be shocked and humbled by just how much.
Your thoughts of spending time away is a fear that your love for your family is suffering for not being there, that fear is showing how much you love your family and should be embraced as a part of who you are. Family time is precious but also so is life and life is for living, the foundation of your love for your family should be mutual and respected, as such they should be respecting and even encouraging your creativity. Let your family know your feelings and show them you love them every day by being happy and caring when you are there... love peace and respect ✌
As a maker with OCD, ADHD and the works. Its hard somtimes to pull yourself away from projects. A lot of this hit my emotions, it really is a ballancing act and i felt every word you said. Im actually struggling to even type this, you on mythbusters inspired me more than probably any college class or lesson. I went un diagnosed with ADHD till i was 26 and no one ever understood why i needed to be "doing something", relationships went wrong, my mental health suffered along with it but to me its growth. You learn from your mistakes and be a better person a better partner and to me even a better maker once that ballance in the machine is found. I didnt know you had a youtube channel till about a week ago and since then ive been putting it on in the backround and watching while taking brakes from working. You continue to inspire me and after this video even more. Hit the nail on the head imho
As a father of twins myself,{ fraternal, a boy and a girl} I found them easier than one child since they would play together, I didn't need to be the entertainment director. Which worked out well. The energy I saved not entertaining I needed later being the referee!
5:48 there’s something to be said about working from home. On the surface it’s amazing you can work in your pajamas, but in reality you’re living at your job, not the other way around and the inability to turn off your work can have major effects on everything including your family..
I've learned to stop instantly, whatever I'm doing, as soon as my wife says my name, and do anything that is requested of me no matter how long it takes. It has kept everything pretty balanced and everything feels stable. I know whatever I'm working on will still be there when I get back, and I welcome the brake to think about ideas.
I balance it by thinking how nuts I would be, and how hard to live with, if I wasn’t being creative. It’s a salve for your mental health. It keeps me somewhat sane. So I can live the rest of my life peacefully!
Your remark about coming home and being aware of the energy over there was very helpful for me. In this and earlier clips you expressed that your partner gives you feedback and things to think about. They feel very valuable and respectable. It is extra super that you share them here as lessons learned. Due to this clip I was more aware when I came home today. Thank you .
Joining Hacker or Maker space is one way to have tools that you couldn't afford otherwise. One Makerspace had a day pass for $25. I could get 4 hours of laser time. That's pretty cool. Another one was only $50 a month. I got access to a whole wood shop with one fee.
For me the key is communication with your family. Understand each person's point of view and working together to find ways that accommodate everybody's needs. Coming up with a way to accommodate everyone's needs is difficult and somewhat unique to everyone's situation but it's worth the effort.
Even as a partner and parent, you're still your own person and need some time to be yourself. For some, it's a bubble bath; for others, it's a sawdust bath.
Not having a shop after having a shop is awefull 😢 especially when you move into an RV and move somewhere to make a bigger shop and cant find anywhere to make the shop 🤣😵💫
One of the things I appreciate about how Adam answers things is that he usually words things that includes undertones of "your mileage may vary". So often people answering questions like this, even in comments are filled with "DO THIS", "DON'T THIS", "DON'T EVER DO THIS", to whom I always want to be like, dude, calm down and realize that while that might work for you, not everyone is living your life. And while the internet should probably have a "ymmv" clause next to anything that is posted, it's cool that Adam takes that into consideration when he's saying stuff.
Always remember your other half also needs rest, vacation, and care. I used the car drive from work to set aside work, and reset for family. But everyone has to find their own. AND TALK!!!!!
Adam, I just found your channel not long ago. and I have to say, it is refreshing to hear such authentic viewpoints. Ones we can deeply connect to, in not just the workshop, but in all aspects of life, of being a decent person. Thanks heaps.
In my experience the very people that go around accusing people of being selfish are the most selfish themselves. They're actually just upset you aren't setting aside your life for whatever they want from you. People who are committed to a relationship work with their loved ones to find a balance. They don't accuse.
I worked first shift and my wife worked second shift and our rule was give that person 15 minutes to decompress. No contact when we got home except for the kids because they didn't understand and that worked great. I work from home now with the kids on their own and I will do everything but the stove.
Yes, though that doesn't mean someone can't be absorbed by an otherwise healthy hobby to an unhealthy degree. Which doesn't contradict what you're saying but I can see the exact same thing being said in an extreme context so it bugged me a bit.
@@bwood6337there's truth in your words, but OP did say "healthy", which is an important distinction. There's nothing healthy about it when things are taken to extreme cases.
It feels like too often mental health doesn't have the same priority in society as physical health, people forget how difficult it can be separating the two.
I appreciate your perspective Adam. You have a lot more experience than I do. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind after seeing this excellent content. Family is not separate from the artists work. Its a collaborative creation that you can bring %100 of yourself to, and make a masterpiece of, or not. Its a false dichotomy to think you have to choose one over the other. If you feel you have to choose, I would ask you to consider what is motivating you to be a creator. And I would encourage you to consider that you cant choose! Your home life and your creative life are more the same thing than not. Your creativity is how you live your life in all the spheres it includes. Approach the endeavor of family life in a creative way and you will never think it is competing with your work. Like all creative endeavors mastery is always on the horizon. Thank you Adam!
I don't usually like being around people because they come with drama, and I don't handle drama well, not even my own. As such, I get both depressed and guilty when with people because I feel most alone in a group of people, and so being away, engrossed in whatever form of creativity I'm into at that time is when i feel no guilt. Sadly, I've rarely every had the space to really enjoy creative endeavors, so I'm especially content and not feeling guilty when I AM able to get lost in my creative tendencies.
Most days I'm not sure why I bother coming home from my studio. It's like having to travel to a different planet where there is an atmosphere that's hard to breathe.
My form of "making" is sketching and drawing - I put my drawing space in the corner of our open living space, so I can do it while my loved ones are present, can hang out and do their own stuff, and we can share the space and chat, and get input from each other and so on. Her making space is here too. We can always work to make it so there's areas in your space where they can hang out while you work, make it a space you can share.
My mind is chaos. Its like a large band that every member is playing a different song. When I make, all the melodies align into an epic opus. I can finally feel relaxed and focused.
At first I was like: "Guilt?! Why guilt?!" Then heard the question and thought it was an amazing one. Not a builder, but a teacher... and time and resources definitely have to be divided if one wants to excel...
Great talk, I'm new to the channel, and honestly was just watching to see some cool builds and hear some interesting "behind the scenes" stories from a great show, but your insights into life are intriguing! The "Machinery of your House" is an interesting way of putting it that I'm sure many of your viewers (myself included) can identify with! I am blessed with a wife who tolerates me and my many building spaces, from the RC airplane shop in the basement, to the garage where I am always working on something, including my restoration of a 47 Jeep, or building a Cafe racer, or the Hangar where I tinker and fly my RV6, or the 2200' grass strip I have spent the last 2 years building. thanks for the wisdom! and thank you for sharing your tips on integrating shop time and family time.
One of the worst societal trends is how people are pushed into the mentality that doing things for yourself, that make you happy - is selfish and wrong. I have never understood why so many people think you must sacrifice yourself for others constantly. I see it all the time when someone posts tools, a workshop, project, etc - the growing number of people who comment how that money or time spent would be "better" spent on whatever charitable effort or cause, or try to guilt the person because they can afford the supplies or time to do what they love. Same thing has happened to taking pride in your efforts - there is a growing number of people who will try to attack someone's well deserved sense of pride with negative connotations. There isn't anything wrong with being proud of your efforts, and there isn't anything wrong with enjoying a hobby/lifestyle that brings an individual a sense of accomplishment, happiness, or mental health. Everyone needs/deserves a bit of personal space, income, and mental headroom to do something they personally enjoy within their life situation. Frankly, if you are surrounded by people who can't understand or support that - then you are around the wrong people. I am fortunate that both my wife and I support each other's hobbies/lifestyles even though they don't intersect that often - same with my friend/social group.
It feels weird that this video is making me tear up, but I love Adam's earnest and genuine expression of his thoughts and experiences. The discussion of being present for your family hits especially for me as I hope to have kids sometime in the next 5 years and make a family.
Sometimes you need to take care of yourself, by doing things. Hobbies, reading,etc. That in itself is not selfish. Everyone needs "me" time. My big issue I grapple with is work/life balance. My schedule is quite changeable and can lead to quandaries and emotional stresses.
A much needed topic to discuss. As artist that do not work in a 9-5 creative environment (doing what you love for a living) it seems that our talent requires the need to dispose of that creative energy daily. If not it tends to create an unstable and unhealthy mental space for the creatives in the world. Discuss and ask your partner do not assume. If there is an issue then schedule your time with them that you both agree on.
When my twins were newborns it was like there was one conciousness switching between the 2 bodies. Within 2 minutes of one falling asleep the other would wake up.
selfishness is hardcoded in people. if you force others to quit their hobby, it is selfish. if you don't quit and completely ignore the others, it is selfish as well.
I totally relate. But then again, your loved ones also need to give you space and support to be able to feel creative, peaceful. In fact, when i wasn`t physically able anymore to do my outdoor hobby, it led to a 10 yr long burnout. Never again.
So, what about the word "maker" itself, is there possibly a more inclusive way to frame what we do so that makes others more comfortable trying it out?
My method for finding balance has been knowing I will bounce back and forth between extremes until I find what feels right. Very much like actually balancing something where you move your finger to where you think center off mass might be and then letting go and seeing which way it wobbles. Then you go back the other way in this higher or lower game until you find it.
"your family is pulling your attention away from everything else" - just heard this after I had just got done saying some heated words to my kids because I have been trying to finish up some crafts for a storefront I have them in, when there's an event going on right now at the store. I felt like crap before I heard this statement and now feel even more like crap. Ugh....oh well. This is life.
My wife and I are both violin makers and our shop is in our home. The chaos of our three boys is pretty wild. Sometimes we get busy and feel torn between home life and work, but there we are, right in the middle of all of it! I have no idea what day it is lol
I like your answers and your process of presentation. It is friendly and open and aware. Therefore, when it comes to basic, fundamental human aspects, such as family, your answers provide great insight for anyone watching and listening, even when you arrive at a strong answer.
FOR ANY HOBBY. you gotta find the best balance to manage the right amount of time for both sides. enough time for the hobby. and enough time for the loved ones. and it goes the same for money. and everyones numbers will be different. just do whats best for you.
Guilt is a feeling that arises from believing that you have betrayed your own internal moral code. Shame is a feeling that arises from believing that you have betrayed SOMEONE ELSE'S moral code, and will be punished for it. You have two options to address guilt - apologize to the affected party for your failure, and work towards doing better... OR... Self-compassion. Lower your standards for yourself. This is very hard to do, and may require many long conversations with loved ones, and your own mirror. For people that have suffered a lot and taken on a lot of responsibility, the second is probably the right path to take. It is a long and fraught road, AND it is worth it, because it leads to inner peace.
It took me a year to write my novel. During that time, I pretty much abandoned my domestic responsibilities. Chores went undone. My wife and daughter became secondary concerns. I did nothing but work, write, and sleep. Such is the nature of obsessive drive. My family has forgiven me, and I'm very proud of the finished work, but I still carry tremendous guilt for the time I missed with my most cherished people. Was it worth it? I dunno. But I won't write another one without first figuring out how to find the right balance. 🙂
Unless you're an abusive, totally selfish jerk, your being a creative genius is something the people around you should be willing to make some allowances for. Best wishes from Vermont 🍁
Stephen King had an interesting anecdote in his book On Writing. His office used to be dominated by a huge writing desk, there wasn't space for anything else, and he similarly made his writing the center of his life. It was only as he grew older and dealt with hardships that he realized his priorities were flipped. Life isn't supposed to be a support system for writing. No, life is the point, writing is the support system, the escape. Something you get done so you can get it out of your system and get back to living. He downgraded to a smaller desk after that, one that left space for him to entertain friends and family in the office. Or something to that effect. It's been years, and he tells that story a lot better than I do.
Le Corbusier was the originator of that quote (a house is a machine for living in - 1927) - some would argue his houses certainly looked that way (Modernist/International Style). Not me.
Like anything, we can be excessive and dedicate too much time, space, or money to it. But there is no reason to feel bad if your hobby is enjoyable to you and is done as a healthy part of the other needs/wants in your life (and those around you). ❤
For the last few serious romantic relationships I've been in, I've been open about needing time to myself for satisfying curiosity and pursuing creative goals, and always, without fail, my partner says it won't be a problem, and then it *always* becomes a problem. To my current partner's credit, she's been the best so far about sharing her needs regarding spending time together engaging in activities we can both enjoy. It's basically impossible for me to enjoy my alone time when I am feeling guilty. She's the first partner I have ever been with who can see when I am not present during shared time and encourages me to go do the thing I am thinking about. I'm very lucky! Edit: I always make it up to her when I need to disappear for a while! Her needs are very important to me, just to be totally clear!
Biggest tip is to marry a fellow maker. We have a dedicated maker's room where both of us work on our own project's, along with a sofa where even if only one of us wants to make we can still do it together
I don't see the problem. From a very young age - maybe 4 or 5 - I helped my father in his shop. And today I'm a maker and I've involved my kids while participating in all the household responsibilities as well.
There's a certain point of using that time to be a maker and using that time to shirk your duties of being a parent.... I've seen both and I hate when someone asks me to come over and hang at the shop and to "help out" and they just offer you beer and stand around watching the shop TV, I hate that because I'm taking time away from my family and I don't want to waste it.
I thought this was going to be about the guilt associated with waste. All the plastic and resin and things that will never biodegrade that you're forced to put into landfill either because they're offcuts that are too small to be useful, or a 3D print failed, or no one near you recycles specialty items, or something you made broke or got too old, or you couldn't find a buyer. So much waste. I feel terrible about it sometimes.
Boasting time. My bride loves that I've always been a maker, to the point she regularly brings me treats to the shop and sits with me. My sons have learned at my side and are all makers, two professionally. We still help each other when needed. My bride and I have been together just shy of 50 years and I don't feel any guilt for what we have done together.
Thank you for talking about this Adam! I think a big part of learning to find proper balance is knowing yourself and honoring that. For example, at this time I am choosing not to commit to a partner because I want to prioritize art. I have also felt guilty or selfish for making art as well, especially when we dont grow up valuing art as selfless and important (although good art is a priceless gift)... To the artist who fears being selfish: play it out. Would you be able to give the best version of you to your loved ones if you felt unfulfilled? Would you be able to give them quality presence and kindness if you felt a deep unsatisfied void? I wouldn't expect to run a marathon in record time without having food or water.
Talk to your partner. I told mine, i know i can become obsessed with a project, so if it gets to be too much, tell me. Also, talk about what needs done and when maker time works best for the family. Good luck
I completely agree. I'm a Web designer and I work best at night. I give every minute attention to my wife and family life from 4 pm. She keeps the house,laundry because I I have Carpel Tunnel syndrome. Absolutely a balance between work and family is ESSENTIAL.
I think it's really only selfish if you're actually neglecting others in your pursuit of making. It's not selfish to take some time to yourself to work on your projects away from family and friends; it's only selfish if you don't give them ANY time or resources. Spending money on maker supplies instead of food [and not leaving enough for said food] would be selfish.
At 2:22 you say that its the Focus that kills you as a parent. I had the great fortune of telling an online friend about postponing a project because we just had a baby. He said the following: "Oh you just had your first baby? I'll speak to you in two years. That's how long it took me to get back into doing projects." At first I was perturbed, but later I took great comfort in this. Because it normalized my experience.
Im proud of myself.. I havent made anything with my hands for YEARS. But my 5 year old nephew has an obsession with Shaun the Sheep (The Aardmann animation) so I made him a 1 foot papier mache shaun. Wireframe, PVA paper mache shell over the top, painted and covered in a wool pullover cut up! It came out great and was a lot of fun. Making stuff is just fun! I post this because I just thought, this was a builf for someone else.. so perhaps, if you include your family in what you're making occasionally, they might appreciate your hobby?
Making is a constant. If you are raising children and having a family you are making something . You are making and creating memories and moments . It’s ok to want to create an object for your own happiness. Your family is never gone.
Don't we all have some impractical hobbies? Making is awesome. The same skills used to make a flamethrower and chainsaw wielding battle-bot are also handy for making practical household things, repairing stuff, and knowing when to call the professionals for help.
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Do you feel guilty for the time you spend making things away from family?
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Making is a time for learning and growing. I always walk away from the workbench with the reminder that I have so much to learn, whether it's machining skills or relationship skills. It reminds me to be humble.
The “me” time away from my husband & kids is what helped me navigate (sometimes barely survive) the VERY difficult, extended periods where I had to be the caretaker/administrator/manager of a home where everyone else had significant (diagnosed) mental & behavioral health challenges.
I encourage everyone to keep the airplane “put your oxygen mask on first” philosophy as your baseline. You have to refill *your* energy levels before you can be there for someone else. It is an investment in your longevity.
I think my problem is that, in the moment, no. But 4 years ago I lost my grandmother, and I was spending too much time with my hobbies to spend time with her. Those are the times that I can never get back. I think such things are true with children, and that perspective is what you learn and have to deal with after the time has passed. Whatever happens.
It is life, and it does not pause for anyone or anything. It is time and it keeps going forward, as do you.
While there are definitely things that you have to take into account like compulsive sort of actions, or addictive traits of things... even apart from the maker space, I think that a balance is the hard part of life. And that's okay. Life is not easy. People who tell you that it's easy are asking you to send them money on a 1.800 number because it will make you feel better.
This is something I've definitely struggled with... It's definitely a balance.
The best piece of advice I have received is that making, for me, is therapeutic, recharging, and makes me happier. By taking the time for me, I'm a better version of myself when I'm with friends and family, and I'm that much better prepared to handle the challenges that come with those relationships.
Society needs more elder nerds like Adam, who are able to illustrate and articulate what goes through all of our minds and hearts. His earned perspective his so incredibly valuable and sharpens the focus of my own experience with every video.
I believe that there is still a whole bunch of those types of people. However, the society that we live in now where it’s mostly social media they just stay in the garage they don’t ever come on TH-cam because all I think negativity towards them it used to be he would go over to your neighbors house and just watch them work Now that’s not the thing I mean my mom doesn’t even call me she texts me like when did that stop? I just think it’s a society that we live in now.
Amen to the first question. I feel that way every day. I’m scared to be successful due to the fact that I will be in my sharage every day all the time and it will take away from my family and that is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have a very supporting family and a supporting wife, but our household is different than the norm. My wife works she’s in the Navy. She gets deployed and goes underway and I am the one that stays home. I take care of the kids I do the laundry I cook dinner I clean the house, it’s funny when we call to make a appointment with the military doctor they always think that my wife is the spouse and I am the sponsor because I’m a man and it’s just not normal crazy
Secret is to bring your family into your maker world. Find projects you can all get into. My kids spent a lot of time in the shop with me. Now grown, they do the same with their kids. It's not one or the other-have it all.
Absolutely!
If they want to be involved that is great. It doesn't always work that way no matter how hard you try or how much you try to adapt.
It also depends on what you are doing in the shop. My father was spending time with me when i was young and he had some boards to cut and thought i could be helpful. After almost cutting him by accident, i was never asked to help out with that again even though i was interested in learning.
Kids do have personalities and preferences, of course. If you can get the family involved that's great, and it's important to give them the chance. But making may just not click for them. Or they may prefer to be creative in a different field.
Making is sanity.
Especially with everything going on. But you're also helping your subscribers out as well. Thank you for you enthusiasm in being a 'maker'.
Yep. If I gave up doing what I love, I'd be impossible to live with, so it's better to just stick with someone who understands that.
My mother is one who simply cannot stop. She can't have idle hands. Despite being half blind in one eye, diabetic and well over 80 years old she is *constantly* making something. She *needs* to be able to do that for her own sanity. My father is 90 and drives her berserk as he used to constantly be tinkering with something, could be a car, motorbike or an RC aircraft. He can't do that anymore and it shows.
We need our hobbies, be they making or simply tinkering, to keep us whole. We lose something when we can't do them anymore.
Completely agree and would add that my female ancestors would get upset with me if i tried to help them with their traditionally gendered chores like cooking or cleaning. It took me a long time to learn that their behavior wasn't because i was an inept helper or that i was just in the way or because it was a secret. They actually seemed to feel that it was how they proved their worth to the family so doing those chores was their duty. If i helped or did those things for them then they acted like i had stolen their contributions to the family and damaged their confidence as women.
Sadly, i had to seek other place to learn how to do these things for myself which sounds completely backwards to the way i think it should have been. Especially since it seems like a way to trap me into a relationship with someone who has the same "spouse competition" thinking as them because there was a time not too long ago where there weren't places to learn many things outside of your family. I am not saying this family dynamic is wrong, especially when there are many people who are better off receiving guidance through traditions because they struggle and often fail when trying to figure out things for themselves. I am only saying that it seems to me that a partnership fueled by teamwork and open communication would create a much healthier family environment for me.
Thank you so much for answering my question! To have contributed to a Tested video is thrilling and inspiring in a way I didn’t anticipate. You’re a godsend, Adam and crew.
Such a great question and helpful answer! I definitely benefitted from the info in this video. Thank you.
I work 12 hour days. I don't get nearly the time I would like to, spend on my hobby. I make time on the weekends and, luckily, my wife supports it. She knows I need this time to decompress. Never feel guilty, for your hobby. It is one of the most catharic things you can do in this, mad world in which we live, right now. Just my 2 cents .
Not to mention, if your man is making stuff, he isn't running around on you. Ladies, support your mans hobbies, as he should support yours! Marriages need at least some time apart for personal time. A personal observation i have made is that couples who are together ALL THE TIME tend to be miserable. It's not a truism, but i honestly believe that you need time to yourself, to do what YOU want. And both partners need this to stay sane and mentally balanced.
Making is an escape for people, especially those with anxiety, ADHD etc..thanks Adam for that deep insight and honesty.
I think part of figuring out your house and partnership is learning each other weaknesses. Mine is organization and remembering tasks. My partner has a hard time dealing with the kids toys and messes. She puts the dishes in and I put them away. We work to our strengths and help each other without question.
Same, the binding statement in my marriage is "I got your back".
Every word of this episode resonated deeply with me. These are things I’ve struggled with all my life in my relationships with others and my ability to fall deeply into whatever I’m doing at the time and excluding the world around me. Thank you for sharing this question and your insights.
To be perfectly honest Adam,
People don't REALLY watch you for the 'making'. Your Subcribers and fans love you! You add value to their lives. You're a good man Adam. 👍
I do watch Adam for the 'making' , but what you said was well put, heartfelt and just plain nice. As an old guy I'm happy to see there are good people out there.
It is always healthy for yourself and your relationships to have some alone time as long as your significant other has the same opportunity both personally and financially.
That said, the fact that you have this kind of concern shows that you care. The best thing to do is communicate with your significant other to see how they feel.
The communication aspect was something my wife severely neglected as she pumped a disproportionate amount of our expendable income into her hobby, horses, and expected me to help while I neglected my own hobbies and it became expected that my free time was devoted to her and her hobby. In the end it was my fault, I let it happen and by the time I brought up the subject, the damage was done to both me personally and our relationship which ended with me filing for divorce.
Perfectly said. Some people say that a relationship is about sacrifice. But that's totally wrong. Sometimes you make a sacrifice for the sake of a relationship but it should never be the defining action in the relationship. And it should never be coming from just one person.
When that dies become the trend you need to communicate about it or it will slowly turn the relationship toxic. Which is a real shame.
Thank you Adam for being so open, honest, and genuine.
Easily this is one of the best youtube channels available. Thank you for the extremely thoughtful and honest reflections, they help so massively, I think you would be shocked and humbled by just how much.
Your thoughts of spending time away is a fear that your love for your family is suffering for not being there, that fear is showing how much you love your family and should be embraced as a part of who you are. Family time is precious but also so is life and life is for living, the foundation of your love for your family should be mutual and respected, as such they should be respecting and even encouraging your creativity. Let your family know your feelings and show them you love them every day by being happy and caring when you are there... love peace and respect ✌
As a maker with OCD, ADHD and the works. Its hard somtimes to pull yourself away from projects. A lot of this hit my emotions, it really is a ballancing act and i felt every word you said. Im actually struggling to even type this, you on mythbusters inspired me more than probably any college class or lesson. I went un diagnosed with ADHD till i was 26 and no one ever understood why i needed to be "doing something", relationships went wrong, my mental health suffered along with it but to me its growth. You learn from your mistakes and be a better person a better partner and to me even a better maker once that ballance in the machine is found. I didnt know you had a youtube channel till about a week ago and since then ive been putting it on in the backround and watching while taking brakes from working. You continue to inspire me and after this video even more. Hit the nail on the head imho
As a father of twins myself,{ fraternal, a boy and a girl} I found them easier than one child since they would play together, I didn't need to be the entertainment director. Which worked out well. The energy I saved not entertaining I needed later being the referee!
The only part of being a maker I feel guilty about is making microplastics when I do models.
5:48 there’s something to be said about working from home. On the surface it’s amazing you can work in your pajamas, but in reality you’re living at your job, not the other way around and the inability to turn off your work can have major effects on everything including your family..
I've learned to stop instantly, whatever I'm doing, as soon as my wife says my name, and do anything that is requested of me no matter how long it takes. It has kept everything pretty balanced and everything feels stable. I know whatever I'm working on will still be there when I get back, and I welcome the brake to think about ideas.
I balance it by thinking how nuts I would be, and how hard to live with, if I wasn’t being creative. It’s a salve for your mental health. It keeps me somewhat sane. So I can live the rest of my life peacefully!
Selfish does not mean self centered, it is looking at the different was to help it all work together.
Your remark about coming home and being aware of the energy over there was very helpful for me. In this and earlier clips you expressed that your partner gives you feedback and things to think about. They feel very valuable and respectable. It is extra super that you share them here as lessons learned. Due to this clip I was more aware when I came home today. Thank you .
I have ADHD and have a lot of trouble with transitions. This was a good way to be mindful of consciously shifting from one environment to another.
Joining Hacker or Maker space is one way to have tools that you couldn't afford otherwise. One Makerspace had a day pass for $25. I could get 4 hours of laser time. That's pretty cool. Another one was only $50 a month. I got access to a whole wood shop with one fee.
"The endless unbroken triage that is raising children" so much truth. I'm a single dad and man is that an excellent way to describe it.
For me the key is communication with your family. Understand each person's point of view and working together to find ways that accommodate everybody's needs. Coming up with a way to accommodate everyone's needs is difficult and somewhat unique to everyone's situation but it's worth the effort.
Even as a partner and parent, you're still your own person and need some time to be yourself. For some, it's a bubble bath; for others, it's a sawdust bath.
Not having a shop after having a shop is awefull 😢 especially when you move into an RV and move somewhere to make a bigger shop and cant find anywhere to make the shop 🤣😵💫
One of the things I appreciate about how Adam answers things is that he usually words things that includes undertones of "your mileage may vary". So often people answering questions like this, even in comments are filled with "DO THIS", "DON'T THIS", "DON'T EVER DO THIS", to whom I always want to be like, dude, calm down and realize that while that might work for you, not everyone is living your life. And while the internet should probably have a "ymmv" clause next to anything that is posted, it's cool that Adam takes that into consideration when he's saying stuff.
'Endless unbroken triage of raising children,' is such a perfect description.
Time is the most valuable commodity humans will ever own. Everything humans do is transactional. I'd be mindful of these empirical truths. ❤
Always remember your other half also needs rest, vacation, and care.
I used the car drive from work to set aside work, and reset for family.
But everyone has to find their own.
AND TALK!!!!!
"The endless unbroken triage of raising children" - I think I just found a new favorite quote ever
Adam, I just found your channel not long ago. and I have to say, it is refreshing to hear such authentic viewpoints. Ones we can deeply connect to, in not just the workshop, but in all aspects of life, of being a decent person. Thanks heaps.
doing dishes is great, one of the best ways to finally get clean hands when nothing else works.
Thank you so much for this, Adam. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in talking about this stuff.
In my experience the very people that go around accusing people of being selfish are the most selfish themselves. They're actually just upset you aren't setting aside your life for whatever they want from you.
People who are committed to a relationship work with their loved ones to find a balance. They don't accuse.
I worked first shift and my wife worked second shift and our rule was give that person 15 minutes to decompress. No contact when we got home except for the kids because they didn't understand and that worked great. I work from home now with the kids on their own and I will do everything but the stove.
Kudos to your partner for phrasing it as "on the way home, think about what's happened at your house" and not making a mountain out of a molehill
One of the yellow-handled Allen keys was stored perpendicularly to others. Bothered me for the entire video.
Selfish to force loved ones to quit their healthy hobbies
Yes, though that doesn't mean someone can't be absorbed by an otherwise healthy hobby to an unhealthy degree.
Which doesn't contradict what you're saying but I can see the exact same thing being said in an extreme context so it bugged me a bit.
@@bwood6337there's truth in your words, but OP did say "healthy", which is an important distinction. There's nothing healthy about it when things are taken to extreme cases.
@@infernas I just mean that a healthy hobby and a healthy practice of it aren't mutually inclusive.
But the question in message was not about external pressure to stop or quit, but about internal guilt.
This is called a reductionist argument and it would seem to suggest you didn't take in anything Adam said.
Thanks, Adam for making this awesome channel, I play your videos while I do my own crafting. It's like we're in my crafting area. Love your channel.
It feels like too often mental health doesn't have the same priority in society as physical health, people forget how difficult it can be separating the two.
I appreciate your perspective Adam. You have a lot more experience than I do. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind after seeing this excellent content.
Family is not separate from the artists work. Its a collaborative creation that you can bring %100 of yourself to, and make a masterpiece of, or not. Its a false dichotomy to think you have to choose one over the other. If you feel you have to choose, I would ask you to consider what is motivating you to be a creator. And I would encourage you to consider that you cant choose! Your home life and your creative life are more the same thing than not. Your creativity is how you live your life in all the spheres it includes. Approach the endeavor of family life in a creative way and you will never think it is competing with your work. Like all creative endeavors mastery is always on the horizon. Thank you Adam!
I don't usually like being around people because they come with drama, and I don't handle drama well, not even my own. As such, I get both depressed and guilty when with people because I feel most alone in a group of people, and so being away, engrossed in whatever form of creativity I'm into at that time is when i feel no guilt. Sadly, I've rarely every had the space to really enjoy creative endeavors, so I'm especially content and not feeling guilty when I AM able to get lost in my creative tendencies.
Right up there with saying leisure activities are "a waste of time." People are welcome to sell their soul, but I'd rather enjoy mine.
Most days I'm not sure why I bother coming home from my studio. It's like having to travel to a different planet where there is an atmosphere that's hard to breathe.
Thank you, Adam! You are spot-on.
My form of "making" is sketching and drawing - I put my drawing space in the corner of our open living space, so I can do it while my loved ones are present, can hang out and do their own stuff, and we can share the space and chat, and get input from each other and so on. Her making space is here too.
We can always work to make it so there's areas in your space where they can hang out while you work, make it a space you can share.
My mind is chaos. Its like a large band that every member is playing a different song. When I make, all the melodies align into an epic opus. I can finally feel relaxed and focused.
great description of finding your flow
At first I was like: "Guilt?! Why guilt?!" Then heard the question and thought it was an amazing one. Not a builder, but a teacher... and time and resources definitely have to be divided if one wants to excel...
Great talk, I'm new to the channel, and honestly was just watching to see some cool builds and hear some interesting "behind the scenes" stories from a great show, but your insights into life are intriguing!
The "Machinery of your House" is an interesting way of putting it that I'm sure many of your viewers (myself included) can identify with! I am blessed with a wife who tolerates me and my many building spaces, from the RC airplane shop in the basement, to the garage where I am always working on something, including my restoration of a 47 Jeep, or building a Cafe racer, or the Hangar where I tinker and fly my RV6, or the 2200' grass strip I have spent the last 2 years building. thanks for the wisdom! and thank you for sharing your tips on integrating shop time and family time.
my guilt as a maker comes from the creation of waste that is a byproduct of making things.
One of the worst societal trends is how people are pushed into the mentality that doing things for yourself, that make you happy - is selfish and wrong. I have never understood why so many people think you must sacrifice yourself for others constantly. I see it all the time when someone posts tools, a workshop, project, etc - the growing number of people who comment how that money or time spent would be "better" spent on whatever charitable effort or cause, or try to guilt the person because they can afford the supplies or time to do what they love.
Same thing has happened to taking pride in your efforts - there is a growing number of people who will try to attack someone's well deserved sense of pride with negative connotations. There isn't anything wrong with being proud of your efforts, and there isn't anything wrong with enjoying a hobby/lifestyle that brings an individual a sense of accomplishment, happiness, or mental health. Everyone needs/deserves a bit of personal space, income, and mental headroom to do something they personally enjoy within their life situation. Frankly, if you are surrounded by people who can't understand or support that - then you are around the wrong people. I am fortunate that both my wife and I support each other's hobbies/lifestyles even though they don't intersect that often - same with my friend/social group.
It feels weird that this video is making me tear up, but I love Adam's earnest and genuine expression of his thoughts and experiences. The discussion of being present for your family hits especially for me as I hope to have kids sometime in the next 5 years and make a family.
Sometimes you need to take care of yourself, by doing things. Hobbies, reading,etc. That in itself is not selfish. Everyone needs "me" time. My big issue I grapple with is work/life balance. My schedule is quite changeable and can lead to quandaries and emotional stresses.
A much needed topic to discuss. As artist that do not work in a 9-5 creative environment (doing what you love for a living) it seems that our talent requires the need to dispose of that creative energy daily. If not it tends to create an unstable and unhealthy mental space for the creatives in the world. Discuss and ask your partner do not assume. If there is an issue then schedule your time with them that you both agree on.
When my twins were newborns it was like there was one conciousness switching between the 2 bodies. Within 2 minutes of one falling asleep the other would wake up.
selfishness is hardcoded in people. if you force others to quit their hobby, it is selfish. if you don't quit and completely ignore the others, it is selfish as well.
I really do appreciate Adam's nuggets of wisdom. Much respect. ❤
I totally relate. But then again, your loved ones also need to give you space and support to be able to feel creative, peaceful. In fact, when i wasn`t physically able anymore to do my outdoor hobby, it led to a 10 yr long burnout. Never again.
So, what about the word "maker" itself, is there possibly a more inclusive way to frame what we do so that makes others more comfortable trying it out?
My method for finding balance has been knowing I will bounce back and forth between extremes until I find what feels right. Very much like actually balancing something where you move your finger to where you think center off mass might be and then letting go and seeing which way it wobbles. Then you go back the other way in this higher or lower game until you find it.
"your family is pulling your attention away from everything else" - just heard this after I had just got done saying some heated words to my kids because I have been trying to finish up some crafts for a storefront I have them in, when there's an event going on right now at the store. I felt like crap before I heard this statement and now feel even more like crap. Ugh....oh well. This is life.
My wife and I are both violin makers and our shop is in our home. The chaos of our three boys is pretty wild. Sometimes we get busy and feel torn between home life and work, but there we are, right in the middle of all of it! I have no idea what day it is lol
I like your answers and your process of presentation. It is friendly and open and aware. Therefore, when it comes to basic, fundamental human aspects, such as family, your answers provide great insight for anyone watching and listening, even when you arrive at a strong answer.
This vid resonated with me. As a writer, my best stories/poetry have come around when i was remembering my family.
FOR ANY HOBBY. you gotta find the best balance to manage the right amount of time for both sides. enough time for the hobby. and enough time for the loved ones. and it goes the same for money. and everyones numbers will be different. just do whats best for you.
Guilt is a feeling that arises from believing that you have betrayed your own internal moral code. Shame is a feeling that arises from believing that you have betrayed SOMEONE ELSE'S moral code, and will be punished for it.
You have two options to address guilt - apologize to the affected party for your failure, and work towards doing better... OR... Self-compassion. Lower your standards for yourself. This is very hard to do, and may require many long conversations with loved ones, and your own mirror. For people that have suffered a lot and taken on a lot of responsibility, the second is probably the right path to take. It is a long and fraught road, AND it is worth it, because it leads to inner peace.
It took me a year to write my novel. During that time, I pretty much abandoned my domestic responsibilities. Chores went undone. My wife and daughter became secondary concerns. I did nothing but work, write, and sleep. Such is the nature of obsessive drive. My family has forgiven me, and I'm very proud of the finished work, but I still carry tremendous guilt for the time I missed with my most cherished people. Was it worth it? I dunno. But I won't write another one without first figuring out how to find the right balance. 🙂
This is the most impactful video on this entire channel.
Unless you're an abusive, totally selfish jerk, your being a creative genius is something the people around you should be willing to make some allowances for.
Best wishes from Vermont 🍁
Stephen King had an interesting anecdote in his book On Writing. His office used to be dominated by a huge writing desk, there wasn't space for anything else, and he similarly made his writing the center of his life. It was only as he grew older and dealt with hardships that he realized his priorities were flipped. Life isn't supposed to be a support system for writing. No, life is the point, writing is the support system, the escape. Something you get done so you can get it out of your system and get back to living. He downgraded to a smaller desk after that, one that left space for him to entertain friends and family in the office.
Or something to that effect. It's been years, and he tells that story a lot better than I do.
Le Corbusier was the originator of that quote (a house is a machine for living in - 1927) - some would argue his houses certainly looked that way (Modernist/International Style).
Not me.
Omg I love dishes too
Love the machine analogy and I too get a weird enjoyment out of doing dishes 😂
Like anything, we can be excessive and dedicate too much time, space, or money to it. But there is no reason to feel bad if your hobby is enjoyable to you and is done as a healthy part of the other needs/wants in your life (and those around you). ❤
For the last few serious romantic relationships I've been in, I've been open about needing time to myself for satisfying curiosity and pursuing creative goals, and always, without fail, my partner says it won't be a problem, and then it *always* becomes a problem. To my current partner's credit, she's been the best so far about sharing her needs regarding spending time together engaging in activities we can both enjoy. It's basically impossible for me to enjoy my alone time when I am feeling guilty. She's the first partner I have ever been with who can see when I am not present during shared time and encourages me to go do the thing I am thinking about. I'm very lucky!
Edit: I always make it up to her when I need to disappear for a while! Her needs are very important to me, just to be totally clear!
Biggest tip is to marry a fellow maker.
We have a dedicated maker's room where both of us work on our own project's, along with a sofa where even if only one of us wants to make we can still do it together
Needed to hear that part about transition from home and work. Thanks for putting it into words at just the right time for me.
I don't see the problem. From a very young age - maybe 4 or 5 - I helped my father in his shop. And today I'm a maker and I've involved my kids while participating in all the household responsibilities as well.
There's a certain point of using that time to be a maker and using that time to shirk your duties of being a parent.... I've seen both and I hate when someone asks me to come over and hang at the shop and to "help out" and they just offer you beer and stand around watching the shop TV, I hate that because I'm taking time away from my family and I don't want to waste it.
I thought this was going to be about the guilt associated with waste. All the plastic and resin and things that will never biodegrade that you're forced to put into landfill either because they're offcuts that are too small to be useful, or a 3D print failed, or no one near you recycles specialty items, or something you made broke or got too old, or you couldn't find a buyer. So much waste. I feel terrible about it sometimes.
Which is why i used to stay up late or not sleep, i needed time to read or zone out or make stuff and still be a mom and work.
Boasting time. My bride loves that I've always been a maker, to the point she regularly brings me treats to the shop and sits with me. My sons have learned at my side and are all makers, two professionally. We still help each other when needed. My bride and I have been together just shy of 50 years and I don't feel any guilt for what we have done together.
Thank you for talking about this Adam! I think a big part of learning to find proper balance is knowing yourself and honoring that. For example, at this time I am choosing not to commit to a partner because I want to prioritize art. I have also felt guilty or selfish for making art as well, especially when we dont grow up valuing art as selfless and important (although good art is a priceless gift)... To the artist who fears being selfish: play it out. Would you be able to give the best version of you to your loved ones if you felt unfulfilled? Would you be able to give them quality presence and kindness if you felt a deep unsatisfied void? I wouldn't expect to run a marathon in record time without having food or water.
Talk to your partner. I told mine, i know i can become obsessed with a project, so if it gets to be too much, tell me. Also, talk about what needs done and when maker time works best for the family. Good luck
Adam, you‘re just awesome! This is a wonderful take on partnership ❤
I completely agree. I'm a Web designer and I work best at night. I give every minute attention to my wife and family life from 4 pm. She keeps the house,laundry because I I have Carpel Tunnel syndrome.
Absolutely a balance between work and family is ESSENTIAL.
I think it's really only selfish if you're actually neglecting others in your pursuit of making. It's not selfish to take some time to yourself to work on your projects away from family and friends; it's only selfish if you don't give them ANY time or resources. Spending money on maker supplies instead of food [and not leaving enough for said food] would be selfish.
At 2:22 you say that its the Focus that kills you as a parent. I had the great fortune of telling an online friend about postponing a project because we just had a baby. He said the following: "Oh you just had your first baby? I'll speak to you in two years. That's how long it took me to get back into doing projects."
At first I was perturbed, but later I took great comfort in this. Because it normalized my experience.
people will MAKE justification for plenty of waste if they want somthing bad enough.
Im proud of myself.. I havent made anything with my hands for YEARS.
But my 5 year old nephew has an obsession with Shaun the Sheep (The Aardmann animation) so I made him a 1 foot papier mache shaun.
Wireframe, PVA paper mache shell over the top, painted and covered in a wool pullover cut up! It came out great and was a lot of fun.
Making stuff is just fun!
I post this because I just thought, this was a builf for someone else.. so perhaps, if you include your family in what you're making occasionally, they might appreciate your hobby?
I struggle with this almost daily. The perspective your wife gave you is very helpful to me at this moment in my life. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Tested for going back to the more simple thumbnails that make it easy to tell whether the video is an Adam's cave video.
future adam build he takes the consept of the house being a machine to far and turns it in to a animatronic puppet
Making is a constant. If you are raising children and having a family you are making something . You are making and creating memories and moments . It’s ok to want to create an object for your own happiness. Your family is never gone.
Don't we all have some impractical hobbies?
Making is awesome. The same skills used to make a flamethrower and chainsaw wielding battle-bot are also handy for making practical household things, repairing stuff, and knowing when to call the professionals for help.
I guess that's a perk of having always been alone and more than likely always will be.
If it makes you happy, that happiness will rub off and spread to the others around you.