I wouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to. I've tried it and I always find myself looking around and wishing I was with someone else. It's a bad idea
I agree. I need to be attracted to someone physically as well as from other points of view. But the physical and sexual attraction needs to be present.
for a relationship to work we need emotional attraction and physical attraction. I had turned down guys who are nice to me and I felt bad and guilty, but I can't date someone I don't find attractive.
I don't think the attraction has to be super strong, but you have to at least not be physically repulsed by the person. Like the thought of kissing them makes you want to throw up. It's not even fair to that person or yourself.
False u have to have strong attraction ..someone else comes around who u are strongly attracted too and oops u cant..dont waste ur time and hers if u arent feeling it
@@joseaugustoencarnacion5461only if you base your entire relationship on physical attraction. That's how people think these days, only in terms of appearance and body.
@@Namrata766 without sexual attraction there is no relationship might as well just be buddies ..while this might wear off over time it is important at the start.For everyone its different this just my prespective and truth
Let’s be real, physical attraction to someone affects how you interact with them physically. So it’s ok to be with someone who you aren’t crazily physically attracted to BUT if it’s affecting y’all’s intimacy, then it becomes a problem. It would suck to be in a relationship where the person you’re with isn’t a fan of holding you / being with you in that way.
I don't understand why many people say physical attraction is cheap. I went on dates with 100 guys in the last 3 years. I can find emotional attraction with many of them, however, in terms of physical attraction, there were only 3 of them. Physical attraction is very rare and precious, it is the product of our intuition and feelings, and comes from within. The other elements are more the product of socialisation, personality, values, goals, etc., that come from the brain.
@@McOofymarried is not for stability, marriage is for love for me. And love consists of passion, intimacy and commitment. You’ll need passion to go into a stable marriage.
World doesn't revolve around you, it's a generalization. And most stable marriages globally are arraigned or heavily influenced by family, once again world doesn't revolve around you.@@Julie-gd2sy
I think this proves further how we as women stay compromising our wants. I feel like men don't have think pieces/debates on should they be worried about physical attraction. Physical attraction to them is and will always be key
@@Dancediva240 Thats because nobody needs to convince men to do that. They already do by themselves. There are plenty of plain women with good looking dudes. There are very few good looking women dating plain dudes unless those dudes are loaded with money. Why? Because the single strongest factor for wether a man wants a long term relationship with a gal is how she treats him and her personality. The looks can draw a man in if he doesn't know you, but it is not what is keeping him there. Toxic dudes are the only exception here as they are out looking for trophy wifes and you shouldn't want to date those guys.
@@ubrot7995It’s not true. I hardly ever see good-looking or even average men with unattractive women. But I’ve seen so many gorgeous girls with ugly or old dudes. I assume they married them for money.
Thank you for this breakdown, I’m truly torn. I’m talking to a guy who possesses most qualities I’m attracted to in a man. He also is talking about marriage and kids which I want as well. Unfortunately, I can’t picture him on top of me with the lights on 😩 I’m just not physically attracted to him, at all! I don’t even want him to hold my hand 🥺
Physical Attraction is important. If you can't see yourself being physically affectionate with him both of you will end up missing out on a major part of a relationship. Physical affection is how many feel cared for, desired, and safe. It could be hard to maintain a long term relationship without it.
Thank you for this. I was with a man for seventeen months who was kind, caring and genuine. I didn't find him attractive at the beginning and thought give him a chance and I might start to fancy him. I ended it in January because I felt that I was still not attracted to him and didn't look forward to seeing him and felt I was just staying with him because he was a nice person and because I didn't want to be on my own.
I will say this: back in high school, I saw a girl in the hallways (not knowing her) and thought “ehh….” (I didn’t make fun of her, I kept it to myself), but when I met her through friends by coincidence, I fell head over heels for her. Not because she was “nice,” but because she was EXCITING AND PLAYFUL! And I was very into her HOWEVER! I didn’t “magically decide to like her;” it just happened If it doesn’t “just happen,” I cannot “just decide” to be attracted - and you shouldn’t feel obligated to “just give it a chance”
For me I just can’t see myself dating someone I’m not physically attracted to no matter how good of a personality they have if I’m not attracted to you it will not work out in the long run
I completely agree with you re: you can gain attraction to someone after getting to know them better. However at least for me, this typically only happens when the person already has some level of physical attraction already, they're just simply not on my radar for whatever reason (maybe not my type or something), and THEN if I get to know them, then I notice their attractiveness (that they already had, but I wasn't paying attention to them)
Yeah has happened to me a few times. I wasn't so attracted to them but after communication, I just started valuing them so much that I became attracted to them. Plus I am not totally driven by emotions and feelings, I value people who are respectful and respectable. Perhaps, for some people, it isn't just the physical attraction that matters, there is something as a celebral attraction that kicks in in later stages of dating.
Hi Eboni, I'm in a similar dilemma. I'm a 40 yo guy and been in a relationship for nearly 5 years - 3 years long distance and 2 years live-in with a girl the same age. The issue is she genuinely loves me, cares for me, great wife material, is successful, wants to see me grow and succeed, great to talk to and shares some common interests, BUT I don't find her face attractive. I felt this way soon into the relationship but i kept telling myself that i need to be more mature and look at her inner beauty instead and all the great things she brings to the relationship. However, I find it very difficult to shake off the feelings of low physical attraction and often find other women on the street more pretty. Although i don't cheat or approach any of them, I'm afraid that i may not be happy/content in the future if we get married and may be tempted to cheat too. When we have kids, her physical appearance will change even further which may bring up these feelings even more and make me resent her and the relationship. I'm so confused so please advise. Thank you.
I’ve been asking myself this question for years. I know two amazing men but I just can’t see them in that way and I get so upset with myself for being shallow. But I cant help it. I think your channel is going to get really popular!! Good luck.
Yes I completely understand and plus society act as though women are not ALSO visual. Society keep saying woman value a man's wealth and men value beauty. The problem is women are more likely to compromise if the person has other qualities but women like looks too
That's not shallow, men won't give you the time of the day ,if they are not physically attracted to you, some of you women really need to stop trying to be some freaking saint, why don't you start buying purses because they can hold stuff instead of picking a purse because it's cute and can hold stuff? Please use some common sense y'all
I got married to someone I wasn't attracted to. It was hell for us both. I'd avoid it if possible. The problem is when you have only two choices: be forever single and alone, or be with someone who repulses you. In that situation I'd say it's better to be alone, but life is still going to be miserable. I don't know a solution. I've given up.
Yes, if there is 0 attraction it will be difficult to have a lasting relationship. It's unfortunate to believe there are only 2 choices but I understand it can be difficult to see alternatives when you are in the middle of it.
@@someonesomeone25 The main alternative thought is that you could be with someone where there is mutual attraction. There are different forms of attraction but we often only focus on the physical. It's is difficult for me to be believe it is only: be single or be repulsed. But I am not in your life, so I don't get to have your experiences to influence my perception. So I don't want to assume I truly know what your options are.
@@EboniHarrisMA In my experience, only attractive people are desired. Many settle, but without real desire. That is hell, as I found out. Sadly, I'm a very unattractive person. And worse, I find hardly anyone attractive. So there's no real solution.
There is nothing wrong to be alone. Work on yourself, find new hobbies and believe happiness comes from inside first. Once you will get along with the most important person in your life (you), you will attract the right person. Have a love affair with yourself.
Personally for me everything is just as important! I made a mistake dating someone that I could barely see to even make the connection and then realize that I wasn’t physically attracted to them. I truly did have an emotional attraction to them and still do which is why I breakdown at times and miss the connection we have. I love mostly every quality I want in someone so I put the physical attraction on the side it was just tiring and draining. I just ended it 2 weeks ago and it was intense. I feel so bad bc we’ve been trying things out for a year but hardly seeing each other maybe twice in 6 months. They like me so much physically and emotionally but for me it’s just the emotional so it doesn’t work for me :( I hope they heal and also it’s a huge relief I finally get to be free. My brain truly does find physically important no matter what. Forcing it doesn’t work. They’re still beautiful inside and out ! I just don’t romantically physically find them attractive.
I have definitely mostly dated guys I had to grow to become physically attracted to. But now they’re uglier than ever to me lol. It feels like the physical attraction that was “grown” was only me putting on rose-colored lenses. It was artificial, because there were even times where I felt kind of repulsed by them. I also felt a weird sinking feeling when I thought about marriage with them, because I knew I couldn’t be with someone I wasn’t physically attracted to. I think physical attraction growing is only natural if you were attracted to them in the first place.
I agree completely. Attraction can grow if you find them somewhat attractive to begin with. If not, every little thing they do to annoy you will bring the person to an even more negative balance in your eyes. Also, there's even studies that show babies smile more when they see attractive people. Which means, attraction is natural and inherent.
@@thedrasc1491 yup! it's not something that can be intentional and controlled, and it's biological. and i notice that some people are more visual than others, no judgment here. i feel like the advice of dating outside of your physical type just stems from a lack and fear mindset of never finding "the one"
Thank you for this. I have two men they’re super nice and sweet, check off most boxes but physically I just can’t the thought makes my stomach hurt. I don’t even want them to touch me. I’m so upset with myself because I feel like I’m being mean for feeling and thinking this way. I’m a believer in everyone can be attractive so I try to drop hints but then feel like I’m changing someone and that’s not what I want to do.
Physical attraction does not "grow"..... If I don't find you physically attractive then I NEVER WILL. I'm not going to just suddenly find you appealing one day. If its not there from day one, then it will NEVER be there. Attraction is not something that can be forced or something that you can convince yourself of. Its either there or its not & if the attraction for this person isnt there, then its not there. No one is owed a chance, no one is owed anything & people are allowed to say NO. People are allowed to have preferences, no one is required to give you a chance just because you want them to. Just because you find someone attractive doesnt mean they will find you attractive. I have spent my entire life getting approached by males I feel repulsed by, males that are hideous to look at & I reject them EVERYTIME. I will continue to do so without guilt, because I would rather be alone for ever than settle for someone who makes me want to vomit every time I look at them.
@lapoliglota9249 I didn't say it was true for "everyone." Secondly, stop taking your situation & comparing it to me. If you chose to settle, then fine, that's YOUR choice. 👌🏻
What should I do I am married to the person Im not attracted to he is not that bad looking but I'm just not attracted I don't want to continue marriage but my parents will not support me for divorce as I am from orthodox Indian family what should I do
I love the way you said this. I have always felt scared by these dating coaches telling us to “date outside our type” telling us to give average men a chance 💀 and it made me feel wrong for having my physical preferences and made me wonder if I should look past looks. But I know myself, and I know I cannot actually find a guy attractive if I don’t in the first place. My attraction has grown before yes, but it felt artificial.
@BlackjackMonster07 Thank you. You should not feel bad for your preferences or standards. Men don't, they never settle, so why should we??? You like what you like & you are not obligated to change that for anyone.
I recently met a great guy but I’m not attracted to his face. He’s ok looking but he’s needs a beard and to style his locs and he needs to learn how to dress. He’s a great guy though. Almost perfect. You talked about chemistry. Made me think about when I was dating this guy who was putting me off while we were dating and he chose his ex over me. I wanted him so bad even though he was unavailable. Now I have this amazing guy asking me to be his girlfriend and the only thing I don’t like is he looks corny.
I also like polished men, it helps a LOT for attraction when their facial hair is groomed. I dated one guy who had beautifully maintained, waist-length locs, too.
The solution here is simple, if his style is all thats keeping you from dating him then teach him how to dress better. Men aren't thaugt this kind of stuff most of the time. If thats too much work for you then you are not ready for a relationship, because successful relationships require at least that amount of work but ideally more work than that from both parties to make it a good one.
This is so true and I've never heard it explained in this way. I'll be doing the 'homework'. Thank you so much, looking forward to watching the rest of your videos :)
The part about wanting men who won’t show up for you …. I feel like you’re talking right to me 😩 I’m maturing a little bit. Definitely looked for the “swag” definitely attracted to men being nonchalant with me but now taking the time to think about my values
I feel like I used to be a bit of a chubby chaser and date people I wasn't attracted to. Or like minimally attracted to {nice face, unhealthy body) but I learned at the tender young age of 35 (with a therapist) that it was more of a problem of feeling like I couldn't get the people I was attracted to or that I should not be shallow and I should give all "nice guys" a chance (thanks 90' and 2000's teen movies). I did it so much I was actually became unattracted to healthy and conventionally attractive dudes. But I'm realizing not every nice guy is for everyone and it's okay if I'm not attracted and they deserve someone who is attracted to them and vice versa. I actually had to train myself to be attracted to skinnier dudes. Skinny like healthy or a lil dad bod, not obese. So now the pool is smaller but now I want a healthy nice guy.
This is so helpful, and it is great to see that I am not alone in working to figure this out. I kept finding videos on being attracted to narcissists, unavailable people, etc. That had never been my problem. I have had lots of dates with nice, interesting people- just not compatible- or compatible, but no attraction. I had a good, long-term marriage, but he died. I remain optimistic. Your video provides lots of good information. I learned a lot of useful information, and I identified with a lot of the commenters.
You’re either attracted to someone or not. There is nothing in the middle. If someone looks average in your eyes makes you go like “meh”, then there is no attraction. You are attracted to someone if and only if they make you go “hell yeah”. That’s my definition
I’m dating someone who is absolutely everything you could ask for in a relationship and I just don’t find him attractive at all! I literally had to be drunk at first to have any physical activity with the dude. 😫 now it’s been okay but I don’t enjoy the activity. He is my height 5,3 or 5,2 and well when he is on top of me we are not even the same heights. And I find it as an ick, I’m really trying to not focus on that. The man dresses well to my liking, I just don’t think he is attractive at ALL to me. he is more emotional than I am due to his insecurities and I’m finding myself not be a good partner and as you said I’m not being emotionally available for him and I feel bad because he is for me.
Let him go, please. Someone else will love him. Be brave and date men you are into. Like actually ask the these guys out. I got a hot guy by asking him out first. I didn't know I could get a guy this hot until I tried.
Update: I have had multiple conversations with the man and explain to him on how I haven’t been emotionally there for him, and I don’t think that is fair for him to have to go through that and the last thing I would want to do is hurt him, and I’ve explained to him every logical reason why I want to leave for the best of him because I don’t think it’s fair to him. However, this man has fought me about my logical thinking and says that he doesn’t care. how can I leave someone when he’s giving me a lot of pushback. I want to say that I have had about three conversations with him about this probably more since I’ve posted this a month ago and I still get a lot of pushback and the one time that I did say I was done that I was leaving. He literally said that he was not going anywhere that he didn’t want to leave, so what do I do?
I have this ex that we’ve got back together 2 times and both times I was never attracted to him. Yes he treated me good and was always nice to me but I never felt anything. I tried so hard to even feel a little emotion and try to convince myself to love him but I never did. Now he’s back again saying we should get back together but I’m still not attracted to him and I’m so confused if I’m doing something wrong by rejecting him. Ps: we have no chemistry with each. We only hangout out 5 times in 4 years while we dated and I always feel like he’s a stranger to me.
Someone being nice is not a reason to date them. Nice is a basic requirement. You need to find other things to like about them. If there is nothing else, it is ok to not pursue a relationship.
I was in a situation like that. I had a friend who wanted to date, so I gave it a try and after a few times of going out I didn't feel any attraction. I had to put an end to it, but he kept insisting. I tried again a few more times, but as hard as I tried, I didn't feel that chemistry/attraction. So then I friend zoned him. I feel guilty about it but I couldn't marry him. I felt that wouldn't have been fair to him.
Great video and enjoyed listening! 😄 I will say that Auto Trace or auto track feature that follows your head around every time you move your head is rather nauseating, and I can't look at it. 😑 Maybe in future videos consider turning that off, but if that's your style just roll with it, I've just never liked that auto track feature or whatever it's called that follows wherever the head goes on camera 🤢
For some people physical attractiveness is more important than for others. Some people can develop an attraction over time, some cannot. I would say that you shouldn't date someone who you consider below the bar of what you'd normally accept unless they have some dynamic qualities in other areas that can make up for it. IF you tie up with someone who you feel is sub par in my experience you'll always have a wandering eye and wonder what life would be like with someone who is more attractive. It's not fair to the other person and honestly it's not fair to you either since you feel you "settled".
I am the emotionally unavailable person. I'm not particularly attracted to other emotionally available people. I'm attracted to people who are especially present and take initiative. Unfortunately these characteristics seem to go hand in hand with codependent people often times and I have a pattern of dating men who are controlling and invasive of my boundaries. I also think my relationship patterns bring these traits out in people because they get addicted to me and fear me leaving. The neediness pushes me away even further. I know men who would rather take things hella slow like I do, but I just don't have much chemistry with anyone who isn't pushy enough to push me because I'm so timid.
Great video. It's very true if you can lose attraction to a beautiful person then can't you grow attraction? Great question. What if you have chemistry with an unattractive man/person but not a physically attraction, maybe you wouldn't have to sleep with them. Could we compartmentalise a relationship? Then that would be a friendship, I guess. I often keep guys I've met on Tinder and not attracted to as friends because I like them. As soon as they realise I'm not going to sleep with them they get upset-so why do we have to sleep with a person if we value their personal qualities and not their physical?
That is the difference between looking for friends, casual sex partner, or a relationship. The expectation on apps is usually the last 2. You just have to be honest in what you are looking for. They also have a right to opt out.
I wish i was physical and sexual attracted to my boyfriend. He is great on all other aspects. Problem with lack of physical attraction for me, is that i force myself to sex, snd i feel repulse afterwards. I have a growing anger. The other question is, why do i stay with someone I’m not physical attracted to.. well, because i wish it did not bother me, but The truth is, it does.
I date someone who our pysical attraction was strong, I married him n we had 2 kids, intimacy was always a way we could find our way back to each other, but as parents there just wasn't enough time in the day n our marriage collapsed. We are now divorced, I would not date anyone again just for physical attraction but I also won't not date anyone where there is no physical attraction.
I only judge on what people look like until I get to know them. I've had coworkers that I thought were really attractive until I worked with them for awhile and then everything about them bothered me and I didn't see them as attractive anymore. I have been with my partner for 15 years, and it was his personally not his looks that won me over. Looks change over time, choose someone that makes you happy and treats you right. I probably find him more attractive now than I did 15 years ago.
not every attractive person has an ugly soul, that isnt fair to say. It is absolutely possible to have someone you are attracted to who treats you right. I personally have gone out with those "not my type" fellas and they disappointed the hell out of me too. And I felt ashamed of myself for even giving their shit faces a chance to begin with.
@@Dancediva240 Literally nowhere did I say every attractive person has an ugly soul. I said personally how attracted to someone I am changes when I know their personality.
I find it the most bizarre thing ever when ppl say I'm in love but not attracted. Like...how?! How does that happen. I love ppl I'm not attracted to either, at least not in a romantic sense. They are called...wait for it.....family and friends!!!🤣 I have to like what I see (height, face, physique and I'm not rigid about it. I won't reject him if he is under 6'4 and has no six pack or anything. My minimum requirement is 4 pack🤣). Only then will I even bother getting to know you with a view to dating provided you feel the same way. And then we see if we're compatible in other areas. And I'm no mia khalifa but if i'm with a man i find attractive, the freaky side in me automatically comes out and i wanna do the dirtiest things with him, which in turn will only make the man feel like a lucky bastard - which is precisely how I want the man I am dating to feel with regards to me!! And I will feel a twofold fulfilment because I got to do filthy fun stuff with this hot guy I'm dating and the guy i'm dating feels lucky that he found a girl that wants him so damn much. But if that attraction was missing, i would just find myself in really awesome company with great conversation over dinner - something i do with good friends🤷 So I really don't understand how so many ppl can actually achieve the ultimate goal of falling in love and then backtrack and lament - what do I do, I'm not attracted, i need advice, help!! How the heck did you fall in love in the first place knowing full well how they looked from the beginning?! Oh lord have mercy.
In my case he lied about what he looked like on the internet when he was a little bit overweight but when I saw him in person he was 100 overweight and I could even call him obese. I mean I do not mind if a guy is overweight but if he is obese then that is a different story. I felt deceived. I don't care about his height because most guys are not 6 feet and over. We can be the same height even and it would not bother me. But I want to be both mentally and physically attracted to him and even if there's some physical attraction it will work towards me. But when I feel no type of physical attraction then that is what will be a problem. As far as the financial thing goes, he has to have some type of legal job. Even if he works at a fast-food restaurant, retail or the grocery store or even as a plumber or a janitor that will be fine with me because at least he has a job even if it's a part-time job and not job hopping to numerous jobs either every month or every couple months. I dated an ex who didn't have a job and he was lazy as hell and only got a job whenever he felt like it but then he would lose it. I dated him for nearly two months before I decide it was just too much for me! Should have not even entertained the thought of dating him when he told me he had no job and have at least 30 Jobs on his resume and only 26 years old. But overlooked that because I was physically attracted to him.
It's not black and white, attraction is a spectrum. You may love someones personality, intellect, have a strong bond and shared values. Also it doesn't mean the guy is unattractive, he can look cute on a good day. This is definietly not easy and very confusing.
@@c.c6909 ya I've seen enough of the strong bond and shared values example and loving somebody's personality and all of that. It still is so difficult to convert to sexual attraction. My friend had all of that with her ex boyfriend of 3 years. They never ever had sex. She didn't find him repulsive looking or anything, it's just there wasn't a desire to get her freak on with him.
@@c.c6909 guys dont have much to work with as far as physical appearance goes cos they cant use makeup or hair extensions or dress provocatively. What you see with them is what you usually get on the first date or the tenth. So for me it's hard. I went out with a guy 4 times who was so nice and decent but all I could see at the end of it was just a good friend. No desire to get physical, nothing.
I personally CANNOT Be With or Date someone that I’m not Attracted to and wouldn’t want them to Date Me for that reason either. I’m at the point now that cannot sleep with a woman unless I find her very attractive ❤
I can totally agree don’t know what’s my problem every time I feel attracted to someone they don’t feel the same and the ones I feel attracted to they don’t like me Im 43 and always had this problem and I don’t know what to do to change that
This is kind of common. You have to address what is the basis of your attraction. If it is only based on the physical that may be why you struggle. I may elaborate more in another video.
I'm trying to date someone that I find attractive and a great person, but I don't have a sexual attraction to. Sex isn't important to me, but sex seems important to them... And although I would love to be in love with this person, the sexual chemistry isn't there. But I'm also learning I might have some PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse from my ex... If the first issue wasn't enough to deal with individually, considering them both an issue I'm dealing with has me all the way lost. I don't want to lose a great companion and potential partner that seems to have all the things that I find important... But I'm not in all the spaces that I think is expected. I want to say time will tell... But what if time doesn't change anything? Or it becomes worse? I really wish he'd stay and just hold me until it's all over... Love whatever this is away patiently, but also I feel guilty for not being in a space that he is in cause I'm not there... (Yet).
Marrying someone for looks is a bad idea because we all get old and ugly. You should marry someone who shares core values, finances and compatibility. This will create long term stable relationships.
@@purplelove3666IF "we take good care of ourselves" I'm not sure who "WE" is in that statement but the last time I looked around a lot of "We" is beat down and tore down as they age...looks fade but great personalities last a life time if you maintain and build a healthy thinking positive mind and unfortunately most folks ain't up to the task. I don't think OP is trippin at all.. besides If my significant other looks go the way of her mothers...it will be our chemistry that makes it work and I am ready to love her either way it goes🤔😁
I disagree that we all get ugly as we get old. That is ageism. I think many old people are beautiful. I was married many years.. When he got cancer, became bald and was just skin and bones, he still looked beautiful to me. I think that was in part because I was strongly physically attracted to him. My brother-same thing. He tells me he thinks his wife in her 60s keep getting prettier. If the physical attraction is there, I believe it remains- unless your partner does some ugly things. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me, and the physical attraction went out the window. Yes, values and compatibility is important. But if there is no physical attraction, you are just marrying your friend.
If you can’t rate your significant other at least a 7 out of 10 then don’t waste their time. You have to at least want to hold their hand in public. I would say 8 out of 10 is the perfect number because anything higher would be obsession or being possessive of someone.
You should not date the guy you are not attracted to. You could hang around like a friend..maybe...but you need to like him; be interesting in his life. He need to be respectful. There is small chance chemistry blow out later on....but its not guaranteed. If you married somebody who its not attractive; later on i guarantee you will meet somebody "better" and you throw away few years of your life just because "i was not attracted- it was not really love" type of thing
My situation is completely different on a whole different level. I’m talking to this person who I think might have some characteristics of what I want in a husband, he’s soft, Educated, funny outgoing but sometimes I don’t like how he carries himself he out do the social part and secondly I’m not physically and emotionally connected to him.. he’s not working right now because he’s on a student visa and very broke. but on the other hand I feel I’m so sympathetic and don’t want to hurt his feeling in endings this because he might look at me certain way. I’m so sucked and very uncomfortable and unhappy.
I'm in this same situation. I entertained him because I want to give him a chance. But men don't get that and mistake it for attraction. I'm just being nice. I'm not physically attracted to him. He's also feminine in his mannerisms
I think a small level of attraction needs to be present, but it doesn't have to be extremely dizzying level. Zero attraction would be just looking for friends, in which case you don't even need that person to be the opposite sex or fall within your generation in terms of age...in which case, it's just socializing....
I learned the hard way that physical attraction matters. I tried to be with someone who i absolutely loved everything about, but their body wasnt really my type. Dont get me wrong, i want to hold her and make her feel loved physically. But apparently i dont show it as well as i think i do. I never hated her body but i hate admitting its not my type because its mean and im not dating her for her body. Its a double edge sword.
I may be weird here but I'm not physically attracted to anyone until I'm mentally or emotionally attracted which is difficult bc the people I go out with seem to be into me wayyyyy before I get a chance to be into them. And this turns me off so I never get the chance. 😣
I am afraid to be alone 😢😢, there is a guy i am talking to right know, we've only known each other for 1 months but still i am not attracted when i see his picture! I've never met him in person yet, but we will next month!! he have all the qualifications to be with him in a relationship but i just don't feel butterflies yet when he sends me his pictures 😢 if i reject him i am gonna be alone again and i am going to lose a good chance to be with someone like him !
I'm in your same situation. We've been talking for a month aswell. He sent me his pictures and I just wasn't attracted. I kept talking to him and giving him a chance. I was hoping he'll look much better in person. We met up and still nope. I Just don't know how to politely turn him down. I feel so bad because he likes me 😔
He’s a hard worker makes good money he’s a provider and his principles are spot on he’s physically attractive, but he isn’t intellectually deep I can have deep conversations with him and he mispronounces some words I dunno
I can’t have a deep conversation with him, he gets me basically but I can go very far with him. But he’s very responsible and very kind to me, should I drop him?
i honestly think it's better to reject them in the early stage. For me their personality really match with me but i just can't find them attractive. I know their intention as well but i just can't give it to them back.
For me, physical attraction was not a big deal. I thought the guy I was with was attractive, yet he was pushing me so much into a relationship that the thought of kissing him, kissing him, everything, made me feel sick. I kept delaying seeing him and forcing myself to be with him because my family liked the idea of him (he was a good man) but it just became so unfair to him and myself
The answer is no. Just no. She is right. I dated a guy for many years. He broke up with me and told me he was not attracted to me. I was so confused! He slept with me, told me I was beautiful, etc... so I thought he was attracted to me. Why would you date me for so many years if you were not attracted to me? Why not break up sooner? Or not date me at all? Respect me and my time. Literally, feel like he had nobody else and I was his companion. Don't do it. If we just stayed friends, we could have been friends now. Now we don't know each other at all. So sad. He messed up. Period.
That's incredibly messed up and I'm so glad that person is no longer in your life, even as a friend. I hope you're not beating yourself about this. I've had an experience with someone who I believe didn't find me to match his type in a few ways and he treated me badly. Meanwhile plenty of men found me attractive at the time and still do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Also, I could probably say I felt the same about him, but that wouldn't make me treat him any worse, because then I would be opportunistic
Thank you for sharing this. There is the tendency for people to want to be nice and not hurt the other person. But it’s not being nice to not be genuine with people and waste their time
why does the camera following her head around irritate me so much 😅 great video though and especially the part about chemistry based on negative traits
I like this video; I learned things from it. However, the word 'ugly' was uncalled for. I have unresolved mommy issues; my mother never told me that I'm handsome. Now, I have to go to therapy to learn to love my 'ugly' self first so others can feel my positive self-love vibe and love me in return.😂
I believe that if you are physically attracted to someone from the first... you may have the unpleasant surprise that in the future you will discover that they cannot offer you anything emotional, nothing stable, nothing lasting. Then you sit and ask yourself... is it no longer okay to meet someone who I am not 100% attracted to at first but who attracts me little by little through his attitude, his beautiful behavior and his way of being. No one is perfect and beauty disappears over time and only character remains. Choose carefully.
I believe that if you are physically attracted to someone from the first... you may have the unpleasant surprise that in the future you will discover that they cannot offer you anything emotional, nothing stable, nothing lasting. This is absolutely NOT true
@@amdlina2999 Same same. Almost every time I have dated someone, I didn't find them attractive instantly. Perhaps, with me the case is that even the most handsome man isn't attractive to me unless I get to know how he thinks, how he talks or behaves with people. A man becomes attractive to me once I know that he takes care of his family, he had goals in his life and wants to treat his girlfriend/wife with respect and love. Only then I can see them as real men. And that makes me feel attracted to them.
What if I don’t like his mannerisms, or that he’s too like, how do I say, Ned Flanders off the Simpson. (Doesn’t look like him but has the same dorky, soft, 40yrold virgin quality to him)? 😂 He’s like the perfect package but no Chemistry. Im hanging in there bc I never go for guys like this and he is such a good guy and is attractive. But the mannerisms and nerd quality is a turn off. Does that mean I’m not attracted to him? I don’t know.. I need help.. -2yrs post divorce from narcissistic abuse ..single mom. Not all the way healed but ready to move on and trying to date my not so typical pattern of parnter
I have to find one thing I really like at least but overall I do care for looks it’s all about how I’m treated and men that look good they are use to the type of men I’m use to so we both are expecting the same thing .. I want to be appreciated so I go With who adores me and I grow to adore and love them and I love hard so it balances out .
I've tried going on many dates with someone I didn't initially find attractive and it's never changed. If the attraction isn't there from the beginning, it won't suddenly 'switch on' in my experience. You're attracted to who you're attracted to, it's a very biological innate desire
Here's reality: If you are ugly, women couldn't careless about your confidence, or your nice personality. Women will say that looks are not meaningful, but it's a bunch of bullshit!l
I hear you saying that is your reality, but that is not the reality for everyone. It's hard for me to believe you have never seen an "unattractive" person in a relationship because I personally know and have worked with tons. But, we all have different life experiences so such is life. Thanks for commenting though! 😊
I think you’re referring to how men see women there. Men usually base their attraction to women primarily on their physical appearance. Other things can add bonus points from there. Women are different. Most women will be more attracted to confidence, “charm”, success, status and “BDE” than physical appearance. They aren’t markers of a good personality either, more like markers of narcissism. I’m not saying that a woman being attracted to an ugly, rich, successful and confident man is any less vain than a man being attracted to youthful looking, slender, full busted women with great teeth but boring as hell, they are probably about both as shallow.
@@brittelska1449 If a woman cannot picture herself being intimate with you: She doesn't give a f*ck about how nice your personality is, or your confidence level.
Mine is I am attracted to him physically. He is very handsome, but his characteristic, the way he talks, everything else make me cringe. He treats me good but I don’t know. When he says I Love you I it cringes me out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
wow great video and topic. I have a year of recovery from a narcissist and met this wonderful man, very giving, polite, cordial and a perfect gentleman but i feel no attraction to him. I am 69 years old, happy being single at this stage of the game. When i picture this man naked, it makes me want to puke. I think i will skip this man and possibly all the others.
He's a nice dude and is all over me. But I'm just not attracted to him, he's also feminine in his mannerisms. Am i being shallow? What's your opinion on dating feminine men?
No, you aren't shallow. You just don't find him attractive. It is what it is. You don't owe him a chance. You don't owe him anything. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for having your standards or preferences. Don't let anyone try to force you to like someone you don't like 💯
😶🌫️I never been in a relationship with a man I was attracted to. It was always luke warm . Communication was lacking spiritual and emotional connection was absent. I might have attracted the same once again. Probably because I'm jet again not where I want to be in life.
Should I date a friend I've never been attracted to, we dont share same faith, and I want to be social but he's anti-social? Feels like I'd be miserable.
people should just be honest with themselves.. we want nookie when we're young and horny and companionship when we're old and ugly - trying to mix the two rarely ever works.
For me it’s a hard no. As a man I do not see the point. And on top of the physic she also need to have good drive so that when I’m a bed she is motivated she likes that
I wouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to. I've tried it and I always find myself looking around and wishing I was with someone else. It's a bad idea
You mean, If you are sexually attracted….
Physical attraction is different and weaker than sexual attraction
I agree. I need to be attracted to someone physically as well as from other points of view. But the physical and sexual attraction needs to be present.
for a relationship to work we need emotional attraction and physical attraction. I had turned down guys who are nice to me and I felt bad and guilty, but I can't date someone I don't find attractive.
Yes very true, it feels like im just pushing myself to that person.
I've married to the person I wasn't attracted to...huge mistake😢
I don't think the attraction has to be super strong, but you have to at least not be physically repulsed by the person. Like the thought of kissing them makes you want to throw up. It's not even fair to that person or yourself.
False u have to have strong attraction ..someone else comes around who u are strongly attracted too and oops u cant..dont waste ur time and hers if u arent feeling it
@@joseaugustoencarnacion5461only if you base your entire relationship on physical attraction. That's how people think these days, only in terms of appearance and body.
@@Namrata766 without sexual attraction there is no relationship might as well just be buddies ..while this might wear off over time it is important at the start.For everyone its different this just my prespective and truth
Let’s be real, physical attraction to someone affects how you interact with them physically. So it’s ok to be with someone who you aren’t crazily physically attracted to BUT if it’s affecting y’all’s intimacy, then it becomes a problem. It would suck to be in a relationship where the person you’re with isn’t a fan of holding you / being with you in that way.
@@bren00 been there its not a relationship if theres no physical attraction period .No different from having a buddy
I don't understand why many people say physical attraction is cheap. I went on dates with 100 guys in the last 3 years. I can find emotional attraction with many of them, however, in terms of physical attraction, there were only 3 of them. Physical attraction is very rare and precious, it is the product of our intuition and feelings, and comes from within. The other elements are more the product of socialisation, personality, values, goals, etc., that come from the brain.
100%, you articulated it perfectly!
I see. Hook up culture is for those you're attracted to, marriage is for "stability."
@@McOofymarried is not for stability, marriage is for love for me. And love consists of passion, intimacy and commitment. You’ll need passion to go into a stable marriage.
World doesn't revolve around you, it's a generalization. And most stable marriages globally are arraigned or heavily influenced by family, once again world doesn't revolve around you.@@Julie-gd2sy
@@Julie-gd2sy
Are you saying that you would only marry the three men that you were attracted to?
I don’t recommend forcing it if you aren’t attracted to them
I think this proves further how we as women stay compromising our wants. I feel like men don't have think pieces/debates on should they be worried about physical attraction. Physical attraction to them is and will always be key
very true. There is hardly anyone on the internet trying to convince men to date that plain jane with the heart of gold🤣🤣
@@Dancediva240 Thats because nobody needs to convince men to do that. They already do by themselves.
There are plenty of plain women with good looking dudes. There are very few good looking women dating plain dudes unless those dudes are loaded with money.
Why? Because the single strongest factor for wether a man wants a long term relationship with a gal is how she treats him and her personality. The looks can draw a man in if he doesn't know you, but it is not what is keeping him there.
Toxic dudes are the only exception here as they are out looking for trophy wifes and you shouldn't want to date those guys.
@@ubrot7995It’s not true. I hardly ever see good-looking or even average men with unattractive women. But I’ve seen so many gorgeous girls with ugly or old dudes. I assume they married them for money.
Thank you for this breakdown, I’m truly torn. I’m talking to a guy who possesses most qualities I’m attracted to in a man. He also is talking about marriage and kids which I want as well. Unfortunately, I can’t picture him on top of me with the lights on 😩 I’m just not physically attracted to him, at all! I don’t even want him to hold my hand 🥺
Physical Attraction is important. If you can't see yourself being physically affectionate with him both of you will end up missing out on a major part of a relationship. Physical affection is how many feel cared for, desired, and safe. It could be hard to maintain a long term relationship without it.
Exactly this
Thank you for this. I was with a man for seventeen months who was kind, caring and genuine. I didn't find him attractive at the beginning and thought give him a chance and I might start to fancy him. I ended it in January because I felt that I was still not attracted to him and didn't look forward to seeing him and felt I was just staying with him because he was a nice person and because I didn't want to be on my own.
@@hurleymichelle1 yes girl! And it’s truly not fair to hold on to someone just because we fear being alone.
Not with the lights on 🤣😭 that's a hard no
I will say this: back in high school, I saw a girl in the hallways (not knowing her) and thought “ehh….” (I didn’t make fun of her, I kept it to myself), but when I met her through friends by coincidence, I fell head over heels for her. Not because she was “nice,” but because she was EXCITING AND PLAYFUL! And I was very into her
HOWEVER! I didn’t “magically decide to like her;” it just happened
If it doesn’t “just happen,” I cannot “just decide” to be attracted - and you shouldn’t feel obligated to “just give it a chance”
For me I just can’t see myself dating someone I’m not physically attracted to no matter how good of a personality they have if I’m not attracted to you it will not work out in the long run
I completely agree with you re: you can gain attraction to someone after getting to know them better. However at least for me, this typically only happens when the person already has some level of physical attraction already, they're just simply not on my radar for whatever reason (maybe not my type or something), and THEN if I get to know them, then I notice their attractiveness (that they already had, but I wasn't paying attention to them)
Yeah has happened to me a few times. I wasn't so attracted to them but after communication, I just started valuing them so much that I became attracted to them. Plus I am not totally driven by emotions and feelings, I value people who are respectful and respectable. Perhaps, for some people, it isn't just the physical attraction that matters, there is something as a celebral attraction that kicks in in later stages of dating.
Hi Eboni, I'm in a similar dilemma. I'm a 40 yo guy and been in a relationship for nearly 5 years - 3 years long distance and 2 years live-in with a girl the same age. The issue is she genuinely loves me, cares for me, great wife material, is successful, wants to see me grow and succeed, great to talk to and shares some common interests, BUT I don't find her face attractive. I felt this way soon into the relationship but i kept telling myself that i need to be more mature and look at her inner beauty instead and all the great things she brings to the relationship. However, I find it very difficult to shake off the feelings of low physical attraction and often find other women on the street more pretty. Although i don't cheat or approach any of them, I'm afraid that i may not be happy/content in the future if we get married and may be tempted to cheat too. When we have kids, her physical appearance will change even further which may bring up these feelings even more and make me resent her and the relationship. I'm so confused so please advise. Thank you.
I’ve been asking myself this question for years. I know two amazing men but I just can’t see them in that way and I get so upset with myself for being shallow. But I cant help it. I think your channel is going to get really popular!! Good luck.
Facts me to
I be feeling like I'm shallow to think that way even with my wife. But when I overlook it. I get frustrated because I know I could do better
Yes I completely understand and plus society act as though women are not ALSO visual.
Society keep saying woman value a man's wealth and men value beauty. The problem is women are more likely to compromise if the person has other qualities but women like looks too
@@TRUTHaintHATING why did you marry her?
That's not shallow, men won't give you the time of the day ,if they are not physically attracted to you, some of you women really need to stop trying to be some freaking saint, why don't you start buying purses because they can hold stuff instead of picking a purse because it's cute and can hold stuff? Please use some common sense y'all
I got married to someone I wasn't attracted to. It was hell for us both. I'd avoid it if possible. The problem is when you have only two choices: be forever single and alone, or be with someone who repulses you. In that situation I'd say it's better to be alone, but life is still going to be miserable. I don't know a solution. I've given up.
Yes, if there is 0 attraction it will be difficult to have a lasting relationship. It's unfortunate to believe there are only 2 choices but I understand it can be difficult to see alternatives when you are in the middle of it.
@@EboniHarrisMA What alternatives could there even theoretically be?
@@someonesomeone25 The main alternative thought is that you could be with someone where there is mutual attraction. There are different forms of attraction but we often only focus on the physical. It's is difficult for me to be believe it is only: be single or be repulsed. But I am not in your life, so I don't get to have your experiences to influence my perception. So I don't want to assume I truly know what your options are.
@@EboniHarrisMA In my experience, only attractive people are desired. Many settle, but without real desire. That is hell, as I found out. Sadly, I'm a very unattractive person. And worse, I find hardly anyone attractive. So there's no real solution.
There is nothing wrong to be alone. Work on yourself, find new hobbies and believe happiness comes from inside first. Once you will get along with the most important person in your life (you), you will attract the right person. Have a love affair with yourself.
Personally for me everything is just as important! I made a mistake dating someone that I could barely see to even make the connection and then realize that I wasn’t physically attracted to them. I truly did have an emotional attraction to them and still do which is why I breakdown at times and miss the connection we have. I love mostly every quality I want in someone so I put the physical attraction on the side it was just tiring and draining. I just ended it 2 weeks ago and it was intense. I feel so bad bc we’ve been trying things out for a year but hardly seeing each other maybe twice in 6 months. They like me so much physically and emotionally but for me it’s just the emotional so it doesn’t work for me :( I hope they heal and also it’s a huge relief I finally get to be free. My brain truly does find physically important no matter what. Forcing it doesn’t work. They’re still beautiful inside and out ! I just don’t romantically physically find them attractive.
Agreed. You need the whole package
I am getting ready to end a situation exactly like this, I feel trapped, almost. I can’t wait to feel free as well.
I have definitely mostly dated guys I had to grow to become physically attracted to. But now they’re uglier than ever to me lol. It feels like the physical attraction that was “grown” was only me putting on rose-colored lenses. It was artificial, because there were even times where I felt kind of repulsed by them. I also felt a weird sinking feeling when I thought about marriage with them, because I knew I couldn’t be with someone I wasn’t physically attracted to. I think physical attraction growing is only natural if you were attracted to them in the first place.
I agree completely. Attraction can grow if you find them somewhat attractive to begin with. If not, every little thing they do to annoy you will bring the person to an even more negative balance in your eyes. Also, there's even studies that show babies smile more when they see attractive people. Which means, attraction is natural and inherent.
@@thedrasc1491 yup! it's not something that can be intentional and controlled, and it's biological. and i notice that some people are more visual than others, no judgment here. i feel like the advice of dating outside of your physical type just stems from a lack and fear mindset of never finding "the one"
Thank you for this. I have two men they’re super nice and sweet, check off most boxes but physically I just can’t the thought makes my stomach hurt. I don’t even want them to touch me. I’m so upset with myself because I feel like I’m being mean for feeling and thinking this way. I’m a believer in everyone can be attractive so I try to drop hints but then feel like I’m changing someone and that’s not what I want to do.
Soooo wait. You are basically wasting not just 1 but 2 men’s time? Why?
Physical attraction does not "grow"..... If I don't find you physically attractive then I NEVER WILL. I'm not going to just suddenly find you appealing one day. If its not there from day one, then it will NEVER be there. Attraction is not something that can be forced or something that you can convince yourself of. Its either there or its not & if the attraction for this person isnt there, then its not there. No one is owed a chance, no one is owed anything & people are allowed to say NO. People are allowed to have preferences, no one is required to give you a chance just because you want them to. Just because you find someone attractive doesnt mean they will find you attractive. I have spent my entire life getting approached by males I feel repulsed by, males that are hideous to look at & I reject them EVERYTIME. I will continue to do so without guilt, because I would rather be alone for ever than settle for someone who makes me want to vomit every time I look at them.
@lapoliglota9249 I didn't say it was true for "everyone." Secondly, stop taking your situation & comparing it to me. If you chose to settle, then fine, that's YOUR choice. 👌🏻
Lmao this sounds so harsh but it’s the damn truth
What should I do I am married to the person Im not attracted to he is not that bad looking but I'm just not attracted I don't want to continue marriage but my parents will not support me for divorce as I am from orthodox Indian family what should I do
I love the way you said this. I have always felt scared by these dating coaches telling us to “date outside our type” telling us to give average men a chance 💀 and it made me feel wrong for having my physical preferences and made me wonder if I should look past looks. But I know myself, and I know I cannot actually find a guy attractive if I don’t in the first place. My attraction has grown before yes, but it felt artificial.
@BlackjackMonster07 Thank you. You should not feel bad for your preferences or standards. Men don't, they never settle, so why should we??? You like what you like & you are not obligated to change that for anyone.
I love your take on chemistry. Most people get Physical Attraction & Sexual Attraction mixed up. They're often not interchangeable
What's the difference between physical attraction and s**ual attraction?
Is there a difference
There is no difference
@@bkstandard882 It is
Thank you for going over attraction vs chemistry. It really helped my organize my thoughts and separate ideas.
Awesome! Glad it was helpful!
I love the way you explained this... I've watched so many videos but this is the only one that makes me feel more confident moving forward! Thank you!
I recently met a great guy but I’m not attracted to his face. He’s ok looking but he’s needs a beard and to style his locs and he needs to learn how to dress. He’s a great guy though. Almost perfect. You talked about chemistry. Made me think about when I was dating this guy who was putting me off while we were dating and he chose his ex over me. I wanted him so bad even though he was unavailable. Now I have this amazing guy asking me to be his girlfriend and the only thing I don’t like is he looks corny.
girl keep that corny man! Suggest an outfit or help him style his hair. Rub some hair grow oil on his chin while he sleeps lol
What ended up happening between you?
I also like polished men, it helps a LOT for attraction when their facial hair is groomed. I dated one guy who had beautifully maintained, waist-length locs, too.
The solution here is simple, if his style is all thats keeping you from dating him then teach him how to dress better.
Men aren't thaugt this kind of stuff most of the time.
If thats too much work for you then you are not ready for a relationship, because successful relationships require at least that amount of work but ideally more work than that from both parties to make it a good one.
This is so true and I've never heard it explained in this way. I'll be doing the 'homework'. Thank you so much, looking forward to watching the rest of your videos :)
You “DID THAT” sis! I love the way you broke this topic down! 🙌 Very insightful points and awesome food for thought!
So good to differentiate between chemistry and attraction. They seemed the same to me
Yeah, it’s a common theme in therapy, chemistry is your attraction to the others negative traits. Definitely not the best reason to jump in headfirst.
The part about wanting men who won’t show up for you …. I feel like you’re talking right to me 😩 I’m maturing a little bit. Definitely looked for the “swag” definitely attracted to men being nonchalant with me but now taking the time to think about my values
Some people grow on you and you can start to find them more attractive over time
Then try yourself
but how much time, thats the question??
I feel like I used to be a bit of a chubby chaser and date people I wasn't attracted to. Or like minimally attracted to {nice face, unhealthy body) but I learned at the tender young age of 35 (with a therapist) that it was more of a problem of feeling like I couldn't get the people I was attracted to or that I should not be shallow and I should give all "nice guys" a chance (thanks 90' and 2000's teen movies). I did it so much I was actually became unattracted to healthy and conventionally attractive dudes. But I'm realizing not every nice guy is for everyone and it's okay if I'm not attracted and they deserve someone who is attracted to them and vice versa. I actually had to train myself to be attracted to skinnier dudes. Skinny like healthy or a lil dad bod, not obese. So now the pool is smaller but now I want a healthy nice guy.
Omg you totally solved my problem, thank you so much - that was spot on!!
Glad it resonated with you!
This is so helpful, and it is great to see that I am not alone in working to figure this out. I kept finding videos on being attracted to narcissists, unavailable people, etc. That had never been my problem. I have had lots of dates with nice, interesting people- just not compatible- or compatible, but no attraction. I had a good, long-term marriage, but he died. I remain optimistic. Your video provides lots of good information. I learned a lot of useful information, and I identified with a lot of the commenters.
You’re either attracted to someone or not. There is nothing in the middle. If someone looks average in your eyes makes you go like “meh”, then there is no attraction. You are attracted to someone if and only if they make you go “hell yeah”. That’s my definition
Immature definition. But I know you understand why I’m saying that (hint: look at DOB on your driver’s license 😂)
I’m dating someone who is absolutely everything you could ask for in a relationship and I just don’t find him attractive at all! I literally had to be drunk at first to have any physical activity with the dude. 😫 now it’s been okay but I don’t enjoy the activity. He is my height 5,3 or 5,2 and well when he is on top of me we are not even the same heights. And I find it as an ick, I’m really trying to not focus on that. The man dresses well to my liking, I just don’t think he is attractive at ALL to me. he is more emotional than I am due to his insecurities and I’m finding myself not be a good partner and as you said I’m not being emotionally available for him and I feel bad because he is for me.
You're dating him??
Let him go, please. Someone else will love him. Be brave and date men you are into. Like actually ask the these guys out. I got a hot guy by asking him out first. I didn't know I could get a guy this hot until I tried.
I am 5'8 and feel very insecure about my height can't even imagine what ur man feels
Update: I have had multiple conversations with the man and explain to him on how I haven’t been emotionally there for him, and I don’t think that is fair for him to have to go through that and the last thing I would want to do is hurt him, and I’ve explained to him every logical reason why I want to leave for the best of him because I don’t think it’s fair to him. However, this man has fought me about my logical thinking and says that he doesn’t care. how can I leave someone when he’s giving me a lot of pushback. I want to say that I have had about three conversations with him about this probably more since I’ve posted this a month ago and I still get a lot of pushback and the one time that I did say I was done that I was leaving. He literally said that he was not going anywhere that he didn’t want to leave, so what do I do?
Stay with him. He loves you . He sounds like he will be a good father to your kids.
YOG
The explanation about chemistry was very helpful and makes since to me.
This video stepped on all my toes and I needed this!! Thank you!
This was so insightful and informative. Thank you for sharing! ❤
Very well put together! Done with dating emotionally available people.. 11 years is too long I learn a lesson
Im going on dates with a man im not physically attracted to. i dont want him to touch me, and people stare at me with him
Very true the last time i dated someone im not attracted to it feels wrong when he start touching me.
I needed this video! Thank you for putting this out into the world ❤
I have this ex that we’ve got back together 2 times and both times I was never attracted to him. Yes he treated me good and was always nice to me but I never felt anything. I tried so hard to even feel a little emotion and try to convince myself to love him but I never did. Now he’s back again saying we should get back together but I’m still not attracted to him and I’m so confused if I’m doing something wrong by rejecting him. Ps: we have no chemistry with each. We only hangout out 5 times in 4 years while we dated and I always feel like he’s a stranger to me.
Someone being nice is not a reason to date them. Nice is a basic requirement. You need to find other things to like about them. If there is nothing else, it is ok to not pursue a relationship.
I was in a situation like that. I had a friend who wanted to date, so I gave it a try and after a few times of going out I didn't feel any attraction. I had to put an end to it, but he kept insisting. I tried again a few more times, but as hard as I tried, I didn't feel that chemistry/attraction. So then I friend zoned him. I feel guilty about it but I couldn't marry him. I felt that wouldn't have been fair to him.
Thank you! You explained this so well! Lots of answers and yes! I have some homework to do. 🙌
Great video and enjoyed listening! 😄 I will say that Auto Trace or auto track feature that follows your head around every time you move your head is rather nauseating, and I can't look at it. 😑 Maybe in future videos consider turning that off, but if that's your style just roll with it, I've just never liked that auto track feature or whatever it's called that follows wherever the head goes on camera 🤢
Thank you. That was so well delivered and on point. I subscribed and look forward to more videos.
Thanks for subscribing. I'm trying to post weekly.
For some people physical attractiveness is more important than for others. Some people can develop an attraction over time, some cannot. I would say that you shouldn't date someone who you consider below the bar of what you'd normally accept unless they have some dynamic qualities in other areas that can make up for it. IF you tie up with someone who you feel is sub par in my experience you'll always have a wandering eye and wonder what life would be like with someone who is more attractive. It's not fair to the other person and honestly it's not fair to you either since you feel you "settled".
Thank you so much for this video!! I really needed this. You cleared my mind so much through this video! Thank You😢
I am the emotionally unavailable person. I'm not particularly attracted to other emotionally available people. I'm attracted to people who are especially present and take initiative. Unfortunately these characteristics seem to go hand in hand with codependent people often times and I have a pattern of dating men who are controlling and invasive of my boundaries. I also think my relationship patterns bring these traits out in people because they get addicted to me and fear me leaving. The neediness pushes me away even further. I know men who would rather take things hella slow like I do, but I just don't have much chemistry with anyone who isn't pushy enough to push me because I'm so timid.
So you’re a dismissive avoidant? Whew. Good luck babygirl
Great video. It's very true if you can lose attraction to a beautiful person then can't you grow attraction? Great question. What if you have chemistry with an unattractive man/person but not a physically attraction, maybe you wouldn't have to sleep with them. Could we compartmentalise a relationship? Then that would be a friendship, I guess. I often keep guys I've met on Tinder and not attracted to as friends because I like them. As soon as they realise I'm not going to sleep with them they get upset-so why do we have to sleep with a person if we value their personal qualities and not their physical?
That is the difference between looking for friends, casual sex partner, or a relationship. The expectation on apps is usually the last 2. You just have to be honest in what you are looking for. They also have a right to opt out.
You can't grow in attraction, men are never expected to grow their attraction to a woman, but women are ? Why?
It depends on your end goal. Some connections have value beyond being in a relationship. Life long friendship means something too.
I wish i was physical and sexual attracted to my boyfriend. He is great on all other aspects. Problem with lack of physical attraction for me, is that i force myself to sex, snd i feel repulse afterwards. I have a growing anger. The other question is, why do i stay with someone I’m not physical attracted to.. well, because i wish it did not bother me, but The truth is, it does.
Please leave and stop wasting both y’all time
End it immediately, before you do something you may or may not regret. It's not far to either one of you.
I date someone who our pysical attraction was strong, I married him n we had 2 kids, intimacy was always a way we could find our way back to each other, but as parents there just wasn't enough time in the day n our marriage collapsed. We are now divorced, I would not date anyone again just for physical attraction but I also won't not date anyone where there is no physical attraction.
I only judge on what people look like until I get to know them. I've had coworkers that I thought were really attractive until I worked with them for awhile and then everything about them bothered me and I didn't see them as attractive anymore. I have been with my partner for 15 years, and it was his personally not his looks that won me over. Looks change over time, choose someone that makes you happy and treats you right. I probably find him more attractive now than I did 15 years ago.
not every attractive person has an ugly soul, that isnt fair to say. It is absolutely possible to have someone you are attracted to who treats you right. I personally have gone out with those "not my type" fellas and they disappointed the hell out of me too. And I felt ashamed of myself for even giving their shit faces a chance to begin with.
@@Dancediva240 Literally nowhere did I say every attractive person has an ugly soul. I said personally how attracted to someone I am changes when I know their personality.
This was definitely what I needed
I find it the most bizarre thing ever when ppl say I'm in love but not attracted. Like...how?! How does that happen. I love ppl I'm not attracted to either, at least not in a romantic sense. They are called...wait for it.....family and friends!!!🤣
I have to like what I see (height, face, physique and I'm not rigid about it. I won't reject him if he is under 6'4 and has no six pack or anything. My minimum requirement is 4 pack🤣).
Only then will I even bother getting to know you with a view to dating provided you feel the same way. And then we see if we're compatible in other areas.
And I'm no mia khalifa but if i'm with a man i find attractive, the freaky side in me automatically comes out and i wanna do the dirtiest things with him, which in turn will only make the man feel like a lucky bastard - which is precisely how I want the man I am dating to feel with regards to me!!
And I will feel a twofold fulfilment because I got to do filthy fun stuff with this hot guy I'm dating and the guy i'm dating feels lucky that he found a girl that wants him so damn much.
But if that attraction was missing, i would just find myself in really awesome company with great conversation over dinner - something i do with good friends🤷
So I really don't understand how so many ppl can actually achieve the ultimate goal of falling in love and then backtrack and lament - what do I do, I'm not attracted, i need advice, help!!
How the heck did you fall in love in the first place knowing full well how they looked from the beginning?!
Oh lord have mercy.
In my case he lied about what he looked like on the internet when he was a little bit overweight but when I saw him in person he was 100 overweight and I could even call him obese. I mean I do not mind if a guy is overweight but if he is obese then that is a different story. I felt deceived. I don't care about his height because most guys are not 6 feet and over. We can be the same height even and it would not bother me. But I want to be both mentally and physically attracted to him and even if there's some physical attraction it will work towards me. But when I feel no type of physical attraction then that is what will be a problem. As far as the financial thing goes, he has to have some type of legal job. Even if he works at a fast-food restaurant, retail or the grocery store or even as a plumber or a janitor that will be fine with me because at least he has a job even if it's a part-time job and not job hopping to numerous jobs either every month or every couple months. I dated an ex who didn't have a job and he was lazy as hell and only got a job whenever he felt like it but then he would lose it. I dated him for nearly two months before I decide it was just too much for me! Should have not even entertained the thought of dating him when he told me he had no job and have at least 30 Jobs on his resume and only 26 years old. But overlooked that because I was physically attracted to him.
It's not black and white, attraction is a spectrum. You may love someones personality, intellect, have a strong bond and shared values. Also it doesn't mean the guy is unattractive, he can look cute on a good day. This is definietly not easy and very confusing.
@@c.c6909 ya I've seen enough of the strong bond and shared values example and loving somebody's personality and all of that. It still is so difficult to convert to sexual attraction. My friend had all of that with her ex boyfriend of 3 years. They never ever had sex. She didn't find him repulsive looking or anything, it's just there wasn't a desire to get her freak on with him.
@@c.c6909 guys dont have much to work with as far as physical appearance goes cos they cant use makeup or hair extensions or dress provocatively. What you see with them is what you usually get on the first date or the tenth. So for me it's hard. I went out with a guy 4 times who was so nice and decent but all I could see at the end of it was just a good friend. No desire to get physical, nothing.
Amazing you are gifted not many people can explain this in a simple way like you did 😮😊
Really good video! Thankyou
I personally CANNOT Be With or Date someone that I’m not Attracted to and wouldn’t want them to Date Me for that reason either. I’m at the point now that cannot sleep with a woman unless I find her very attractive ❤
Great content
I can totally agree don’t know what’s my problem every time I feel attracted to someone they don’t feel the same and the ones I feel attracted to they don’t like me Im 43 and always had this problem and I don’t know what to do to change that
This is kind of common. You have to address what is the basis of your attraction. If it is only based on the physical that may be why you struggle. I may elaborate more in another video.
Will keep a look out for more info thanks for ur reply
Thank you for this video🙏🏾🌺
You are welcome. I'm glad it was helpful.
I'm trying to date someone that I find attractive and a great person, but I don't have a sexual attraction to. Sex isn't important to me, but sex seems important to them... And although I would love to be in love with this person, the sexual chemistry isn't there. But I'm also learning I might have some PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse from my ex...
If the first issue wasn't enough to deal with individually, considering them both an issue I'm dealing with has me all the way lost.
I don't want to lose a great companion and potential partner that seems to have all the things that I find important... But I'm not in all the spaces that I think is expected. I want to say time will tell... But what if time doesn't change anything? Or it becomes worse?
I really wish he'd stay and just hold me until it's all over... Love whatever this is away patiently, but also I feel guilty for not being in a space that he is in cause I'm not there... (Yet).
I hope at least you can have honest conversations with them about your healing journey.
Good Insights , Thank You
Marrying someone for looks is a bad idea because we all get old and ugly. You should marry someone who shares core values, finances and compatibility. This will create long term stable relationships.
Tell that to men
No,we don't, we age well if we take good care of ourselves. You are tripping
@@purplelove3666IF "we take good care of ourselves" I'm not sure who "WE" is in that statement but the last time I looked around a lot of "We" is beat down and tore down as they age...looks fade but great personalities last a life time if you maintain and build a healthy thinking positive mind and unfortunately most folks ain't up to the task. I don't think OP is trippin at all.. besides If my significant other looks go the way of her mothers...it will be our chemistry that makes it work and I am ready to love her either way it goes🤔😁
I disagree that we all get ugly as we get old. That is ageism. I think many old people are beautiful. I was married many years.. When he got cancer, became bald and was just skin and bones, he still looked beautiful to me. I think that was in part because I was strongly physically attracted to him. My brother-same thing. He tells me he thinks his wife in her 60s keep getting prettier. If the physical attraction is there, I believe it remains- unless your partner does some ugly things. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me, and the physical attraction went out the window. Yes, values and compatibility is important. But if there is no physical attraction, you are just marrying your friend.
If you can’t rate your significant other at least a 7 out of 10 then don’t waste their time. You have to at least want to hold their hand in public. I would say 8 out of 10 is the perfect number because anything higher would be obsession or being possessive of someone.
You should not date the guy you are not attracted to. You could hang around like a friend..maybe...but you need to like him; be interesting in his life. He need to be respectful.
There is small chance chemistry blow out later on....but its not guaranteed.
If you married somebody who its not attractive; later on i guarantee you will meet somebody "better" and you throw away few years of your life just because "i was not attracted- it was not really love" type of thing
My situation is completely different on a whole different level. I’m talking to this person who I think might have some characteristics of what I want in a husband, he’s soft, Educated, funny outgoing but sometimes I don’t like how he carries himself he out do the social part and secondly I’m not physically and emotionally connected to him.. he’s not working right now because he’s on a student visa and very broke. but on the other hand I feel I’m so sympathetic and don’t want to hurt his feeling in endings this because he might look at me certain way. I’m so sucked and very uncomfortable and unhappy.
I'm in this same situation. I entertained him because I want to give him a chance. But men don't get that and mistake it for attraction. I'm just being nice.
I'm not physically attracted to him. He's also feminine in his mannerisms
Leave, stop using your emotions and use your head
Daaaaang!! 🤯 thank you for this knowledge.
I think a small level of attraction needs to be present, but it doesn't have to be extremely dizzying level. Zero attraction would be just looking for friends, in which case you don't even need that person to be the opposite sex or fall within your generation in terms of age...in which case, it's just socializing....
I learned the hard way that physical attraction matters. I tried to be with someone who i absolutely loved everything about, but their body wasnt really my type.
Dont get me wrong, i want to hold her and make her feel loved physically. But apparently i dont show it as well as i think i do. I never hated her body but i hate admitting its not my type because its mean and im not dating her for her body. Its a double edge sword.
Wow this has helped me so much.
Awesome! I'm glad you were able to get something you needed from this video.
I may be weird here but I'm not physically attracted to anyone until I'm mentally or emotionally attracted which is difficult bc the people I go out with seem to be into me wayyyyy before I get a chance to be into them. And this turns me off so I never get the chance. 😣
Not weird. We are all different. Tell dates you prefer to go slow. Then see if they take your preference into consideration.
I am afraid to be alone 😢😢, there is a guy i am talking to right know, we've only known each other for 1 months but still i am not attracted when i see his picture! I've never met him in person yet, but we will next month!! he have all the qualifications to be with him in a relationship but i just don't feel butterflies yet when he sends me his pictures 😢 if i reject him i am gonna be alone again and i am going to lose a good chance to be with someone like him !
I'm in your same situation. We've been talking for a month aswell. He sent me his pictures and I just wasn't attracted. I kept talking to him and giving him a chance. I was hoping he'll look much better in person.
We met up and still nope.
I Just don't know how to politely turn him down.
I feel so bad because he likes me 😔
Meet up him first and then make your decision.
So on point! I love the video 🤩
😊 Thanks!
real good content
Thank you for your advice, it's super helpful.
You're so welcome! I am glad.
Thank you. So helpful.
Awesome. I'm glad it helped.
Girl you spoke to my soul. Wowww
He’s a hard worker makes good money he’s a provider and his principles are spot on he’s physically attractive, but he isn’t intellectually deep I can have deep conversations with him and he mispronounces some words I dunno
I can’t have a deep conversation with him, he gets me basically but I can go very far with him. But he’s very responsible and very kind to me, should I drop him?
@@SaLae566 Couples therapy.
My bf said I grew on him. He wasn't attracted in the beginning 😢
Thank you 🙂
Good video. Thanks 🙏
Glad you enjoyed it.
i honestly think it's better to reject them in the early stage. For me their personality really match with me but i just can't find them attractive. I know their intention as well but i just can't give it to them back.
As soon as you figure it is not working for you and there is a slim chance of it changing, yes let them know and walk away.
Call me shallow, if I don’t like how you look physically it’s a no for me.
For me, physical attraction was not a big deal. I thought the guy I was with was attractive, yet he was pushing me so much into a relationship that the thought of kissing him, kissing him, everything, made me feel sick. I kept delaying seeing him and forcing myself to be with him because my family liked the idea of him (he was a good man) but it just became so unfair to him and myself
The answer is no. Just no. She is right.
I dated a guy for many years. He broke up with me and told me he was not attracted to me. I was so confused! He slept with me, told me I was beautiful, etc... so I thought he was attracted to me. Why would you date me for so many years if you were not attracted to me? Why not break up sooner? Or not date me at all? Respect me and my time. Literally, feel like he had nobody else and I was his companion. Don't do it. If we just stayed friends, we could have been friends now. Now we don't know each other at all. So sad. He messed up. Period.
That's incredibly messed up and I'm so glad that person is no longer in your life, even as a friend. I hope you're not beating yourself about this. I've had an experience with someone who I believe didn't find me to match his type in a few ways and he treated me badly. Meanwhile plenty of men found me attractive at the time and still do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Also, I could probably say I felt the same about him, but that wouldn't make me treat him any worse, because then I would be opportunistic
Thank you for sharing this. There is the tendency for people to want to be nice and not hurt the other person. But it’s not being nice to not be genuine with people and waste their time
why does the camera following her head around irritate me so much 😅 great video though and especially the part about chemistry based on negative traits
I like this video; I learned things from it. However, the word 'ugly' was uncalled for. I have unresolved mommy issues; my mother never told me that I'm handsome. Now, I have to go to therapy to learn to love my 'ugly' self first so others can feel my positive self-love vibe and love me in return.😂
I believe that if you are physically attracted to someone from the first... you may have the unpleasant surprise that in the future you will discover that they cannot offer you anything emotional, nothing stable, nothing lasting. Then you sit and ask yourself... is it no longer okay to meet someone who I am not 100% attracted to at first but who attracts me little by little through his attitude, his beautiful behavior and his way of being. No one is perfect and beauty disappears over time and only character remains. Choose carefully.
I believe that if you are physically attracted to someone from the first... you may have the unpleasant surprise that in the future you will discover that they cannot offer you anything emotional, nothing stable, nothing lasting.
This is absolutely NOT true
@@amdlina2999 Same same. Almost every time I have dated someone, I didn't find them attractive instantly. Perhaps, with me the case is that even the most handsome man isn't attractive to me unless I get to know how he thinks, how he talks or behaves with people. A man becomes attractive to me once I know that he takes care of his family, he had goals in his life and wants to treat his girlfriend/wife with respect and love. Only then I can see them as real men. And that makes me feel attracted to them.
you're right about the 'if youre able to lose attraction, you should be able to grow attraction'
What if I don’t like his mannerisms, or that he’s too like, how do I say, Ned Flanders off the Simpson.
(Doesn’t look like him but has the same dorky, soft, 40yrold virgin quality to him)? 😂
He’s like the perfect package but no Chemistry.
Im hanging in there bc I never go for guys like this and he is such a good guy and is attractive. But the mannerisms and nerd quality is a turn off.
Does that mean I’m not attracted to him? I don’t know.. I need help..
-2yrs post divorce from narcissistic abuse ..single mom. Not all the way healed but ready to move on and trying to date my not so typical pattern of parnter
THIS IS WHAT IM DEALING WITH
I have to find one thing I really like at least but overall I do care for looks it’s all about how I’m treated and men that look good they are use to the type of men I’m use to so we both are expecting the same thing .. I want to be appreciated so I go
With who adores me and I grow to adore and love them and I love hard so it balances out .
How many dates would you say you could go on before it’s safe to say the attraction won’t grow from there?
I've tried going on many dates with someone I didn't initially find attractive and it's never changed. If the attraction isn't there from the beginning, it won't suddenly 'switch on' in my experience. You're attracted to who you're attracted to, it's a very biological innate desire
2
3-4 definitely should know by then and you can decide where to go from there
It’s the ugly and broke for me 😩 I can’t
LOL.... That will do it!
Here's reality: If you are ugly, women couldn't careless about your confidence, or your nice personality. Women will say that looks are not meaningful, but it's a bunch of bullshit!l
I hear you saying that is your reality, but that is not the reality for everyone. It's hard for me to believe you have never seen an "unattractive" person in a relationship because I personally know and have worked with tons. But, we all have different life experiences so such is life. Thanks for commenting though! 😊
@@EboniHarrisMA This reality exist for many, not just me.
I think you’re referring to how men see women there. Men usually base their attraction to women primarily on their physical appearance. Other things can add bonus points from there.
Women are different. Most women will be more attracted to confidence, “charm”, success, status and “BDE” than physical appearance. They aren’t markers of a good personality either, more like markers of narcissism.
I’m not saying that a woman being attracted to an ugly, rich, successful and confident man is any less vain than a man being attracted to youthful looking, slender, full busted women with great teeth but boring as hell, they are probably about both as shallow.
@@brittelska1449 If a woman cannot picture herself being intimate with you: She doesn't give a f*ck about how nice your personality is, or your confidence level.
@@brittelska1449 Any woman that comes online, and tell you that looks aren't that important to them, is full of bullshit!
Mine is I am attracted to him physically. He is very handsome, but his characteristic, the way he talks, everything else make me cringe. He treats me good but I don’t know. When he says I Love you I it cringes me out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
wow great video and topic. I have a year of recovery from a narcissist and met this wonderful man, very giving, polite, cordial and a perfect gentleman but i feel no attraction to him. I am 69 years old, happy being single at this stage of the game. When i picture this man naked, it makes me want to puke. I think i will skip this man and possibly all the others.
So happy I found you!
And I am happy you are here! :-)
He's a nice dude and is all over me. But I'm just not attracted to him, he's also feminine in his mannerisms.
Am i being shallow? What's your opinion on dating feminine men?
No, you aren't shallow. You just don't find him attractive. It is what it is. You don't owe him a chance. You don't owe him anything. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for having your standards or preferences. Don't let anyone try to force you to like someone you don't like 💯
😶🌫️I never been in a relationship with a man I was attracted to. It was always luke warm . Communication was lacking spiritual and emotional connection was absent. I might have attracted the same once again.
Probably because I'm jet again not where I want to be in life.
No. You should never date anyone you are not attracted to. It will ALWAYS go bad for the relationship.
Should I date a friend I've never been attracted to, we dont share same faith, and I want to be social but he's anti-social? Feels like I'd be miserable.
Sounds like a no
You're literally answering your own question
New sub ❤
people should just be honest with themselves.. we want nookie when we're young and horny and companionship when we're old and ugly - trying to mix the two rarely ever works.
For me it’s a hard no. As a man I do not see the point. And on top of the physic she also need to have good drive so that when I’m a bed she is motivated she likes that