I'm a therapist, and I'm continually shocked by the shit that my clients tell me their previous therapists said to them. Good on you for starting this series Deckers, I look forward to seeing more of them.
Thank you, I have been a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I remember when I was a child and I had told someone about the abuse, they told me "Just tell them to stop it.."
I knew a guy who victim blamed; when he was mugged I said "well, it's your own fault, you dress like you have money, what did you expect?!". Strangely, he wasn't amused.
I saw a museum piece that showed what sexual abuse victims were wearing at the time of the crime, it's very chilling. There was many outfits that would not ever show skin, they weren't looking for attention. The little pink dress they had just made you want to cry, it was sized for ages 3-6. Children are not sexual beings, they don't think about it, there is no "asking for it".
I've seen photos of that exhibit. Most of the outfits are jeans and a t-shirt, or maybe a sweatshirt and sweatpants. A couple of prom dresses. A military uniform. And yes, a disgusting amount of children's clothing.
It's a deed of opportunity, no matter how you look, what you wear, it does not matter, it is not about you being hot, about you at all and often not even about sex. It's about power...
The fact that sexual abuse is high in countries where they wear a hijab/the full body covering clothes, where even flashing an ankle or wrist is seen as sinful, should tell you how much the clothes you're wearing actually cause sexual assault.
People are responsible for their own actions. Culture, society, or a general lack of awareness in a social group can empower people who want to force themselves on another person(lack of consent is implied where I said force) to do so without fearing any kind of repercussions.
"my personal experience, 9/10" it's so true. I'm actually surprised if I get to know a woman well and learn she was NOT abused. I'm surprised and almost skeptical because it's so unusual. Excellent video - there are so many who need to hear this message! PS - your voices are kind of quiet... and your exit music is VERY loud.
It is so common. 😭 I always feel like. If it was just me I could deal with that but now finding out that my older sister also had these experiences has broken my heart. No child, teen or adult. No HUMAN deserves to be violated in anyway... it makes me sick to my stomach...
For ongoing abuse maybe 9/10, but I'd be stunned if unwanted sexual contact of any sort weren't 10/10. I made it to 28 before it happened to me - my breast being groped - but I'm a recluse, which I'm sure is the only reason I made it that far.
My personal favorite that I got after being abused by my first boyfriend “you did it with him willing before why was it different that time?” And “you were his girlfriend how could that happen?” I.e. since we were in a relationship sex was my ‘duty’ and because I had said yes before that was to automatically mean I was saying yes to everything every time.
Some man think becouse we are naked in front of them or are their partner, they have a pass to do everything, but at the same time they have boundaries and want to be respected.
I really liked the idea of the 'illusion of safety.' I'd say generally it's 'the illusion of An answer.' Especially how victim-blaming seems to create an easy solution. It's an extension of "Well if he didn't want to be shot he shouldn't have done XYZ." Or, when a person is devastated people saying, "You should have tried harder." Especially for people who are not good with emotionally empathizing with other people and problems. The 'Sexual Abuse is your fault' seems to just be one of the worse manifestations of this.
It's not always adults that abuse children. All of the sexual contact I had from age 4 to 14 was by other children. I was taught it was a game. And in that vain, I passed it on to other children, thinking it was just a game.
That reminds me of the conditioning exercise found in Brave New World of little children to engage in unrestricted sexual play. It was to train them to get doped out of their gourd on Soma and have endless orgies with no risk of pregnancy.
Yes. Didn’t even realize until my 20s that my first experience of sexual assault was in elementary school because we were “just playing truth or dare” and that’s just how the game was played I absolutely hated staying the night with my best friend because she would make fun of me for not wanting to play it or get mad at me when I never chose dare because I didn’t want to tell her to do those same things to me. Now I’m just shocked at how young we were and how she even knew about all those things (I sure didn’t know about them at that time and I was older than her)
That's a result of sexual abuse too. A kid should not know and get ideas about that but if they experienced something like that, if they gre up in an environment where they get exposed to what they do not understand and that misrepresents it it all gets wired up wrong in their brain, makes it look like that is normal.... A reason why I despise movies that romanticise stalking for love or the harmless peeping Tom ... Its not normal or OK. There can be harmless kids are kids things, but there is a line and way to often it gets crossed
Yeah I tried to touch my younger best friends privates during a sleepover when I was 9 because my birth mother had been molested me my whole life. I had no idea that being touched was not normal and I was curious only to be stabbed with a overwhelming feeling that I’d done something wrong and stopped almost immediately. But I was not capable of connecting that to the concept that what was happening to me was wrong. Eventually I confessed to my friends mom when I was an adult fully expecting her to hate me but it turned out she had been abused to and she was forgiving and compassionate. I was preparing to go to jail!
As a high school student I told the school counselor that older guys took advantage of me. I said it felt like it was my fault. He looked me in the eye and said "It's good you're taking responsibility."
That counselor is an idiot and those boys were sick. I am really sorry for everything that happened. ❤️ It was not your fault at all. No one ever deserves such treatment.
I recently was telling a therapist about my bullying victim background during school and high school and she asked me "Why do you think you allowed them to bully you?" felt like a kick to the nads...
I’ve been told a similar thing as well. I was horrendously bullied early on in HS and I went to counselors to try to stop it since I was far too afraid to confront them. I was told straight to my face that if I didn’t make any attempt to stop them myself, then they wouldn’t help me. From that day on, I refused to see counselors and I endured more bullying and abuse. Victims are sometimes far too scared to intervene and need outside sources to help them. It’s not shameful to ask for help but the counselors I reached out to made me feel that way
My narcissistic mother said "well I've never put myself in a position for that to happen" when she found out I had been raped. While trying to sleep IN MY OWN ROOM
I rarely ever did anything endangering, dress modest and all, the closest I got to it was in the early evening in summer, so still light outside, after leaving a bookshop on a very lively street with many shops waiting for a bus. A group of drunks tried to chat me up, I ignored them, so they came closer and I decided to walk.... They followed me through 3 stores trying to shake them of while thinking I was just paranoid.... I was not asking for anything, I was not even looking at them it was compleatly random. It is never your fault!!!
When I was in college, back in the late 80's, my sociology professor asked our class of about 120 students to participate in a survey that some of his grad students were conducting. A few weeks later he talked about the survey results with us. It was a survey on childhood sexual abuse and self esteem. They had first given the survey to a small group of about 20 people. One in four had reported being sexually abused as children. The professor thought the sample group was too small and asked for a larger group to be surveyed. Sixty people and again one in four reported being sexually abused. So, he surveyed our class of 120, and again one in four. He was shocked and saddened.
Trigger warning: sexual abuse/ manipulation discussed. My abuser manipulated me for years saying things like "You wear shorts to push me to this" or "with that top on you're just asking for it." It truly makes one hyper aware of every decision we may make when simply dressing. It took me years after leaving that situation to feel comfortable in anything other than sweats or jeans. I never asked or wanted any of it. It hurts to know the hardest battle I still fight is simply being believed that not only did I not want it, but I would have done anything to stop it if I could.
One of mine said the same. Even a teacher at school - when I tried to tell her I was being raped…she said “well look at those miniskirts you wear! What do you THINK the boys are going to do?!” That took ages to get over. 30 years later, I still wear blue jeans and sweatshirts all the time.
This series is needed!!! I see so many people who've heard wrong & harmful things from therapists, counsellors, psychiatrists etc, & somebody needs to tell them to not say things like that.
The thing is, the statement is true, but the implications are so very much not and that's what makes it so insidious. If someone says no, they are not willing, even if they do not say no, as long as they do not say yes, they are not willing and wearing a skirt is not saying yes!!!
I had been raped when I was 17 by an ex boyfriend. We were playing around and it was getting heated but when it came time to take things further, I changed my mind. He didn't take no for an answer. I always thought that we had gone too far to stop. It wasn't his fault. I didn't want to and I felt violated and ashamed after but it wasn't really rape because if I had been willing to scream, make a scene or hurt him badly enough, it never would have happened. I recently had a panic attack while grappling (Jui Jitsu style) while being held down because I realized I didn't know to fight back and my disillusion of control I had left me breathless, shaking and sick to my stomach. It felt like it shouldn't have been traumatic. Or the other sexual abuse I experienced wasn't that bad, perhaps I drank too much or I shouldn't have been alone at night, but it was my own illusion of control. Hearing friends tall about their experience. It doesn't matter if you particpated or if you physically responded. If you don't want to and it happens, it doesn't matter who you are or who they are, it's not okay. I don't know what the answer is, but it helps to know you're not alone.
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. It is so true that it's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself or minimize what happened. Your trauma response is natural, and it's crucial to treat it for what it was and get support if you need it. I loved your last paragraph. You have great strength and compassion.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve finally found someone’s story that matches my own and there’s a sad but beautiful comfort in that. I hope for healing for us both. ❤️
A lot of abuse continues in families because of the blame people put on themselves for the abuse and never talking about it. My family has a history of abuse because it was silenced and every adult blamed the child. My own grandma blamed be(a 5 year old) for wearing a dress and sitting improperly and leading on my abuser. I don't blame her or the abuser, I pity them because they couldn't heal from their own trauma and the only way they could deal was to internalize it & normalize it. They were never shown how to cope in a healthy way. Unfortunately it's a problem that's only now starting to be talked about(not just in my family but in the media). I no longer associate with certain members of my family because they have gone so far into their belief that they don't want help or see their behavior as a problem. It's sad because I had some really great times with my grandma but she made her choice by choosing my abuser and blaming me. In order for me to move forward, and for my mental health, I chose myself.
It is a hard decision to make, but you have shown strength and progress in choosing yourself first. The fact that you can show empathy towards these people by acknowledging their own trauma and response, is a really beautiful and brave thing. All the best moving forward Aryona.
I had a therapist tell me I choose to have PTSD and that I just need to choose not to have it and that is why she picked my case cause she knew she could fix me... I walked out of her office at that point.
It's amazing how long we'll blame ourselves for something we had no control over. I was five when I was molested and I always harbored self blame. It wasn't until my friends kid turned five (i was around thirty) and I thought about the situation from the adult point of view. I would NEVER blame that beautiful kid if someone did that to him, how could I. Once I saw it like that, it broke the remaining self blame. Because how could I possibly blame five year old me for something a grown ass adult man did?
I was dating my abuser. And when it came out a few years later, it even shocked me when I put the words to what happened. And I was a "good girl", overlarge t-shirts and jeans, super naive... and it still happened. And then it happened again and kept happening because well we were dating. It is awful to look back at. Especially as a parent.
Another thing is when people question if the abused person is lying. Especially if they are a survivor of multiple attacks throughout their life. With me my stepgrandpa groomed me until I was an adult then he abused me. You hit so many points THANK YOU! Some of this i needed to hear again. Thank you so much. #safebae #stoprapeculture
You are totally believed, loved and valued here at Mended Light! I'm glad the video was helpful to you. Remember: It was not your fault, and it does not define who you are as a person! All the best!
Also when someone reports multiple assaults in life it gives credence to their claims not doubt. Because the statistics say that someone who was sexually abused even once in their childhood is literally 1000% more likely to be abused/attacked again when compared to someone who has never been abused/attacked. That’s a real statistic. Obviously it doesn’t mean that the person in the statistic is 100% guaranteed to be hurt again but it means it’s MUCH more likely than compared to those not hurt.
I think from a child's perspective, its easier and sometimes in a weird way, feels more comforting to say "its my fault" instead of having to come to terms with the fact that you are in an unsafe situation that you can't simply leave, and that can lead to an over arching anxiety that nowhere is safe. Basically the two most common trauma responses, its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place
Thank you so much This is an amazing video! AS a sexual assult survivor from childhood and as a rape and sexualassult survivor from being in the military and in the real world. I acctually had a person who was a friend at the time tell me that "you take too many risks, its no wonder why you got rapped." And I know it wasn't okay for him to say that to me and it did effect me deeply and still does. But thanks to your video I know and can understand that he was trying to protect he view of my exhusband and of his cowerkers because he knew the people personally who had rapped and assulted me. I now can understand he probaly was protecting himself from the thought that "WTF the people who I care about are rapist! What does that make me?" Thank you again so much for these videos keep them coming they are so helpful for me to unravel the past so that I can have a deeper understanding and so that I can move forward from a survivor to a thriver.
A lot of great comments have already been made, so I just want to take a moment to acknowledge the beautiful moment at 3:41. To be so attuned like that! She opened her mouth but waited (probably to let him finish his thought), and he IMMEDIATELY noticed and shifted focus so that she could share what she had to say. Beautiful example of healthy dialogue.
I saw an ad on a bus once that said one in three women will be a victim of a sexual crime (I can't figure out the term) at some point in their lives, so that's a scary statistic
Just a heads up, because the talking parts are super quiet I had to turn my headphones way up to hear it properly. And then when the super load music came on suddenly at the end it scared the crap out of me. (I know my jump scares at the moment are super bad but I'm guessing I'm not the only one that the sudden noise level change scared. Especially because the people watching this content is more likely to have a bigger startle response than those watching normal content). Sorry if that made no sense.
I've been telling myself that the snap shots of memory are just me making them up. I've been telling myself that the times I've been taken advantage of were my fault that could have done more to stop it... it's only now as a 30 year old that I've started to unpack all of this with a therapist. 😞 I'm exaughsted.
I think it's very important for people that have been in these unfortunate situations that it's not their fault and it's not on them to act in a certain way to try to prevent these things, because it's not the victims actions that inspire these incidents, it's the perp that decides these things.... When I was in 5th or 6th grade I had an incident happen to myself by another child in my grade. He had a mental disability so it was explained to me by the teachers that he didn't know what he was doing, but it still was traumatic for me. The worst part of it was that another classmate saw this happen and all he did was stand and laugh. I'm using an alt account because I still am afraid to talk about it to my current friends because the last time I told a friend they summed it up using phrasing that made it sound like the beginning of a lame joke. I am afraid to even bring it up to anyone anymore because I'm worried that they will laugh too... But this video has made me realize that I can talk about it and I will be bringing it up with my therapist now.
This is a great new segment. It's so hard to challenge unhelpful or hurtful things that professionals said. I have been able to turn other cheek on many cruel things I have heard as a survivor. Truly the only one that I never could was a "friend" saying that I should forgive my abuser as he had passed away and that was mean for not doing so. I rarely locked people out of my life but I have never spoken to that person again.
The idea that victims are to blame is very big in the Christian community. There was one time where a police officer verbally sexualized me. It was dark out and I was alone with him. He was an officer of and I was terrified. So I did not say or do anything to blatantly stop him from talking. He never physically touched me - thank God. But when I told some of the people in the community, one guy said that I needed to change the way that I carried myself so that other men would know how to interact with me. I have never been more disgusted with a response
I started sobbing during this video. Because so much of what you said about blaming myself and what other people said and how I could have never consented as a child just hit me. I thought i was done blaming myself, but this video showed me I still do, even two years safe I still do
I have ptsd from being abused as a child. I also have mental illness. One day I was frustrated with myself and thought “I wonder how much of my damage is from trauma and how much is from being crazy?” The first thing that popped into my head was “I hope it’s the mental illness because then it’s less my fault.” I had been in therapy for years so I was able to immediately remind myself that neither of those things is my fault, but it feels hopeless sometimes that I’ll ever get past this.
Therapists are human beings and make mistakes, but some viewpoints are just inexcusable for a therapist to have. "Sexual abuse is the victim's fault" is one of them.
I'm currently in therapy to help deal with sexual assault that occured when I was 16 then when I was 18 - the fact that it happened to me twice (with different partners) is exactly why I find it so hard to let go of the 'you obviously did something to cause it.' There is also the whole 'you could've prevented this' - in my (not rational) mind, it must be me as the common denominator. Whilst I understand that people aren't necessarily educated enough to comprehend what actually counts as sexual assault (I had to literally explain the definition to my mother after her comment about someone on the news 'asking for it') there should be more done to help them understand it AND to assist them in not further digging the whole the person who was assaulted is trying to climb out of. What exactly that takes the form of (i.e. the education) I am not too sure, but I hope to contribute to developing it some day. I really appreciate your video and it makes a lot of sense. Can you please, if you haven't already, do a video on the flight vs. fight response (or 'freezing') during an assault? I think that also needs to be an are explored, because apparently 'no' still means 'yes.'
When you think to yourself that you’re the common denominator, try to remember what Alicia pointed out-most abusers have more than one victim. You have no idea how many there may have been before or after you. My first bf was emotionally abusive. He talked about his ex gf’s leaving their shared friend group after their break-ups and implied that he had picked ‘crazy’ girls. After we broke up, I eventually realized that I wasn’t the third ‘crazy ex,’ I was the third victim of emotional abuse who realized they needed to get away from him.
I’d like to point out that just because you’re called a professional, doesn’t always mean you’re a professional in that field. There are plenty of people who are deemed professionals and yet they are one of the worst at that job.
8:15 reminds me so much a the try guys scandal with Ned, he was in a position of power over the person he was seeing and he had created his image so when the rumor started going around, I saw it and thought it couldn’t be true, he would never do such a thing and I was so firm I’m my belief of this person because of what he projected himself to be until it was true and it was undeniable. Cheating is different that what there talking about I’m not trying to liken them but it just stuck me the similarities
I appreciate that you made a point to state that women can sexually abuse men. My birth mother molested both me and my brother for most of our childhood and raped my brother when he was a toddler. When me and my birth mom moved to the US he stayed in Japan bc at 9 i could care for myself but at 4 (almost 5) he couldn’t. His childhood memories start at 5 years old and it was that way since he was reunited with us when he was almost 9. He developed an addiction to pornography and inappropriately touched/ molested a girl who was a year and a half his senior when he was 11. He got support by our foster parents and was able to overcome his addiction and urges. I truly believe that those foster parents saved him from a future in and out of prison or from life as a sexual predator. Fortunately if you can call it that, he was always attracted to adult women or girls older than him. (He went through a phase where he’d try to touch the breasts, butts, or crotches of random women when he was in public settings I often grabbed his hand away and told our foster parents. When I raped nearly daily for 5 months and it ended in a miscarriage when I was 15 when I “came forward” initially it was because I had had a dream about having sex with my brother and I woke up so appalled at myself because not only was he my brother he was a child. Initially irrationally I self harmed and handcuffed myself to the bottom section of my loft bed for over a day (looking back I don’t know what I was thinking ) but once I calmed down I realized that …wait maybe what was happening to me was inappropriate so I asked about it at bible study but quickly fell back on the details because I didn’t want to get Mr. Garry in trouble because he was feeding me and my brother because our birth mother neglected us, helped with maintenance around the house teaching me how to do it and was a children’s ministry leader at his church. It took me years to admit it was rape because I convinced myself that 1 he couldn’t possibly hurt me on purpose 2 I never said no (I didn’t know I could say no to an adult) 3 I after he took my virginity I figured I had already broken my covenant with God so 3.5 I was equally as culpable for “participating” in premarital sex. It took me over a year after that to accept that he knew what he did was wrong. And then another few years to stop burying that I had almost certainly had had a miscarried a child. Which I took a long time to grieve and I went through cycles of the five stages of grief.
My therapist did this to me a few years ago, since I'm a guy. My SA happened when I was 8 by a 7 year older girl. Told me I liked it. I internalised that and it really pushed my healing back a LOT.
I think the 9/10 is true. And to be honest we aren't used to actually acknowledge were abused. Because the fact that man pinch my bum is just part of life right, or at least goint out. It's a compliment and that's how we should see this. This has actually been told to me by men and women. Must say he said sorry when we went to a gaybar and he appeared to be popular.
“Hurt people hurt people…” - Constance Wu character in film “Hustlers” I wonder often about the mindset of those who would oversimplify such a legitimate mind f*ck circumstance. Shoutout to those who fight mightily against a power imbalance that perpetuates this awful systemic problem in many cultures worldwide You spoke for the least of us… my faith says there’s nothing more Christian than that. So really, God bless you both for being part of the better goal for humanity Thank you for posting this 🙏👏
Music is a language for the unheard This song speaks to my heart who endures in spite of Hope it gives all the right feels to all who encounter this post th-cam.com/video/sXPtrxen-R4/w-d-xo.html
This is such a great video. I felt so understood and appreciate both of you. I am a survivor myself and want to pursue the work to properly serve other survivors in the further. Thank you for this amazing video
it's sad but I had a therapist hear all my SA stories and say to my face "ok, so let's start talking about your pleasure....because it wouldn't have happened if you were not into it", also had a psychiatrist say that having PTSD was normal and that there was nothing wrong with e besides being dramatic since everyone experiences "disappointment" in life
Tw paedophilia. . . . . . . . . . I had a therapist ask me if I liked what my paedophile had done to me. I was in hospital after my my right leg, arm and eye stopped working. I had never met this person before, we hadn't built up a rapport. I had been looking to show him the news article that covered the issue. My leg started shaking by itself and hasn't stopped. That was 5 years ago. I need crutches to walk now.
I am so so sorry to hear of your experience Rowan! Sending you prayers and love. Just know that you are SO worthy, SO valued and what happened to you was NOT your fault. It does not define who you are as a person. I hope you may find some help through this channel.
This 1 of 4 or 9 of 10 question probably also depends a lot on the definition of sexual assault. i'm mostly very unsuspecting and not picking up social stuff well (recently got diagnosed with autism, so that explains that). There've been many situations where i think about something in retrospec and wonder, if i have been assaulted and just didn't notice. For example when i examine a patient (I'm studying medicine) and they say something not related to the topic i might not even process it at the time, it's like filling words like "uhm" at the moment. then later i might remember the guy told me something about me wanting to know, how a real man feels, when i plapated his inguinal area for pulses and hernias. it's especially confusing when i get along great with someone on a kind of rough tone, and then someone tells me about that person beeing so sexist and abusing and whatnot towards them, and all other women agree and i just wonder, if i'm now supposed to not like the person anymore, or if i'm sending some signals, i don't inted to (again), and he might at any point suddenly act on an interpretation i wasn't aware of (again)... So basically i never felt sexually assaulted in any given situation at the moment it happened. maybe confused once or twice. mostly i just notice a situation having been weird or confusing afterwards.
In my case I've had multiple therapists but have been fortunate enough to have good ones. To the point where I can usually talk about my sexual abuse almost freely. However society itself has so many excuses and backwards thinking that I did start to sensor myself because everyone seems to want to find an excuse to say I'm being a drama queen and don't really have mental health issues from it because it wasn't REALLY sexual abuse. Even my own family feels like I should be readily forgiving and over it with my abuser because he is family. Most of the sexual abuse victims I know are already doing mental gymnastics to blame themselves myself included. That doubt is always there even when logically I know it's not true that I'm at fault. I was appalled when I started having friendships and discovering others who were sexually abused as kids at how many parents actually blamed their children for being victims. The reason I had so much therapy and can still mostly talk about it freely (although society has now made me warry of discussing too many details because they're just tools to gaslight me at this point) is because I also had the insane amount of luck of my parents walking in on us, and doing everything humanly possible right. They separated us, collected evidence and put me and even themselves in therapy immediately. Yet my family still thinks they should get over it. Thankfully this has never happened with my therapist but it did happen enough times when they were educating us about it in school and when I brought it up to someone who didn't have that experience. So I know that there are definitely going to be therapists who say this and it is horrible and terrifying and disgusting. We are already confused enough too. There's a part of me and other sexual abuse victims I know who don't want to blame our abuser because we actually already have an emotional attachment before it starts and we love them and don't want them to be the monster. Even between sexual abuse victims, we sometimes gaslight each other because we don't respond the same way. It's great that I had good help but it also means I don't present like the stereotype. I'm not quiet or mistrusting. I'm fine with physical contact in general but I'm not fixed and I still have a plethora of mental health problems as a result. But because I look fine and sound fine people assume I'm lying or over exaggerating. It's hard enough to go through life without being gaslighted into thinking it's your fault by society and by yourself. There is no excuse for it to come from someone who is supposed to educated and guide you through thinking in healthy ways about yourself and others.
Nuns, the elderly and toddlers have been attacked. It has nothing to do with enticing attire, "asking for it," or being a tease. Those who choose to hurt others are responsible for their hostile actions.
Is the last "they said" video really this old? Wow, time flys. Could you add "But that's just communication, let's focus on the actual issues you are having" to s*** a couples councellor said? Happened to me, when the only real issue was respectful communication. Also, I'll need to revisit the sexual abuse videos now that I have experience, thanks for building up a library of validation. Last time I asked for support, they wouldn't even validate that I'm sane. And that was not the abuser. My personal therapist thinks I'm sane, at least.
I’ve never had a therapist tell me that, but I’ve heard plenty of other people imply it. It’s the reason that I am very careful who I disclose my experiences to.
The most painful thing I ever had someone say to me was said by a friend I had for years. She knew about my difficult relationship with my family and my past abuse and one day she turned to me and said I feel most sorry for the man who abused you. It's not exactly the same as victim-blaming but it sure hurts when someone you trust and hope to find support with decides to "side" with your abuser.
I'm sorry, _what_ Wtf was her logic for that, if you're comfortable sharing? Did she even frickin' have one, or were you so taken aback by the absolute stupidity that fell out of her mouth to ask?
My sisters did this. One said the abuse I experienced was only “alleged.” The other said she had empathy for my abuser, because chances were high that he had been abused. So him possibly being abused warranted more concern than me actually being abused by him. My dad said I had to forgive him, and my mom would take every opportunity to bring him up in conversation and bring his kids to events where they would play with my kids. 🤮
Non-professional opinion here: the difference between helpful and being hurtful might be predicted with some questions. - Is the purpose of your statements to help the victim or other people avoid this tragedy in the future, or some other reason? - Did the person ask for your opinion? - Do you see risk tolerance as a character trait or just a personality trait? - How much does this person value uncomfortable truth? - Would this person feel embarrassed or empowered by my statements? - Does this person tend to interpret things in the worst way possible? (Think Kathy Newman.)
My abuser was a narcissist, and he used the fact that I had feelings for him and genuinely enjoyed his presence at first to firmly position me as his victim. I was a favorite toy, and he crossed a lot of boundaries without me even realizing it until long after it was over. And I feel extremely guilty, like I should have known and recognized, but he was a good actor until people he couldn't cut me off from saw the dark side of him in undeniable ways. There's guilt at not reporting him or otherwise trying to keep him from ever hurting anyone else, but I didn't have proof. Just a lot of things he could absolutely have spun as me being "consenting" or a "miscommunication". Hopefully someone some day has the power to take him down a peg or 5.
I was sexually abused by my step father and the court appointed therapist told me that I "obviously" wasn't deeply impacted by it because I was sitting with my legs spread. I was dressed in baggy male clothing to hide my female body. This led me to try to embrace my female body and push down my dysphoria to the point that it took me another 20 years to realize I was trans.
i truly appreciate this. i unfortunately experienced something along these lines and never sought therapy, because all i could remember from my ex-therapist was when she repeatedly said "youŕe a poor communicator, thatś why things are your fault".
Ugh! I got this so many times. It took a long time for me to accept that I am in fact an excellent communicator surrounded by people who don’t want to understand what I’m saying to them.
I wouldn't normally point this out, but as someone with a sibling who is hearing impaired and reads the subtitles.. I'd like to point out that the words at 5:41 -ish need a lil' fixing. "never okay Ever" instead of what is says.
this makes me wonder, how many adults who try to cover up their kids rape allegations or insist they did nothing wrong are really trying to cover uo the fact that they themselves have SA'ed their kid, and thats where they learned the behavior in the first place
Would you do a review in any way, here or on cinema therapy, of the show after life (with Ricky gervais)? I would love to see your take on that show because it’s one of my favourite shows ever because it’s so beautiful yet sad and I guess real. If you haven’t seen it I think you may enjoy the analysis of it at least.
There is some serious personal responsibility associated with getting raped assaulted etc. ie don’t shower with the opposite sex if the relationship isn’t sexual. There are legit things that increase the odds that are common sense.
As a person who has been sexually abused in a situation Jon describes, I wish he had been my therapist. He would have had my priorities in mind other than my therapist, who left me alone to pick up the pieces by myself as a person who was there because they couldn’t. I know for a fact that I WOULD NEVER do to another person what was done to me due to the simple fact that I know what scars that leaves. It has lasted irrevocably in my my mind and is something I need to address with a therapist so I can be happy.
Something I find fascinating and have only started to realise is a thing in recent years is the way girls and women from quite a young age have to be taught to deal with some quite inappropriate stuff wolf whistling not to just accept anyone on social media that sort of thing that boys and men don't even have to think about and a lot of it comes down to this victim shaming mentality that society seems to have and that's very very wrong
I will never forget being appalled at an 8th-grade sleepover sponsored by my Baptist church in which girls and our college-age leader said that if a woman wore a sports bra while jogging, she deserved to be raped. 🤯🤯 People call out the Catholic Church, but they have records... This is especially a problem in evangelical communities, where there is little to no hierarchy in which one might even hope to be held accountable. I myself was abused as a teen by someone at my church. Every day, I fear for my naive nieces and nephews who are homeschooled and deep in the church, because my sister thinks it’s all good and that their children are safe if their whole lives are at home or church. Nope. My experience in the Middle East is testament to how prevalent abuse is behind closed doors, in the most chaste of external moral and religious contexts... but because this same community sees Islam as “the other,” it’s not seen as the same situation. :( TL, DR: sex education is vital in any context, religious or non.
My rapist told me "it was just a stupid mistake" and then everyone got upset with me after that for not moving on... Idk it just felt like they were belittling something that seemed so huge to me
Yeah I have gotten this one before. It's rough when you are in a really dark place in your life and you feel like everything is your fault and then the person who is supposed to be helping you says that this is your fault.
I love your channel, Jonathon! I have DID from a lifetime of abuse and rape. I have had a lot of good therapy and also some bad therapy. This channel is such a wonderful reminder of what is true and good.thank you.
Oh wow, the comment about blaming the victims so the ones who blame can go on believing in a "their save world" was eye-opening. I never heard it that way, thanks, that feels so true.
I had a friend who tried talking me into having sex with him but thankfully let it go after I had declined multiple times. And when I told another friend about it after some time how shocked and hurt I was that after me declining sexual favors he broke off contact and basically let our previous friendship of several years to rot, she only said "just take it as a compliment that he thinks you're hot". I didn't really know why I was so hurt by that statement back then (I was around 18), but now I do know and I'm glad that you guys address all of this in such a serious manner! I really love your videos, they are very healing :)
idk your friend and what she was really trying to say but it can be that she just awkwardly tried to cheer you up. Like she just didn't know how to react. The same way somebody can say "don't be so sad" when you depressed. That been said I don't agree with what she said, as I think that when somebody opens up to you, you should think carefully about what you're saying in that moment of vulnerability. And if you don't know how to react - just say that and show some compassion/support.
I rarely ever did anything endangering, don't drink, don't party, not being out in the dark, dress modest and all, the closest I got to it was in the early evening in summer, so still light outside, after leaving a bookshop on a very lively street with many shops waiting for a bus. A group of drunks tried to chat me up, I ignored them, so they came closer and I decided to walk.... They followed me through 3 stores trying to shake them of while thinking I was just paranoid.... I was not asking for anything, I was not even looking at them it was compleatly random. It is never your fault!!! Well, and there was the time I did something stupid. He was a friend, who knew I am aro ace and very touchy at the subject of intimicy and sex. I always was afraid and variy as if I had bad experience, I am somewhat sociophobic especially concerning men, touching me can send me into panik.... But I had no reason. He knew all of that. It was dark, I was going home with him after a concert he held so we get to talk a bit, we rarelly got to do that, cause he was very busy.... And then he stopped and said he wanted to try something ... He never said what, he did not need to I said no no no no no and he started to argue how I could know I did not want too, if I ever tried.... It was stupid and I felt so so betrayed in the end he coerced me I to allowing him to kiss me just so he would stop asking while panicking ever since he said "I want to try something..." so I then could give him a no he would accept and in his... I don't want to say defense, but he did accept that no. He did "offer sex" but he did not touch me or push for it or anything despite me, in my panic addled state still following him home for my mind would have collapsed if I had been alone .... I never forgave him, be broke my trust any any trust I could ever hold for more then 3 very special people I knew before that and that already had proven themselfs as safe. I will never feel safe again with someone to explore if might be demi or not... He came from this place of "curing a sexuality" he would never consider what he did as wrong and in the grand scream of things it was harmless. He did not force me I to something, he did not try to rape me, it could have been way way worse but with how my mind and feelings where, what he did was all he nedded to do for me to feel utterly violated and unsafe. I cut my hair down to one and a half inches after that, only wore men cloths for 2 years and still am increadably careful where and around who I wear dresses. I am pretty flat cheasted, so a lose shirt covers up all my curves... Even now 6 years later I freeze up when alone with a men, increadably afraid anything I might do could be read as an encouragement, never show much skin or body shape...... I really really do not want to know how people who went through really assault feel. Nothing happened to me, and it still dominates a good portion of my life, informers my decisions..... I am so sorry for everyone who was not as lucky...
I am so sorry that happened to you!! That was so wrong and you have every right to feel violated after what he did to you, especially knowing that you were afraid of men and trusted him. I'm praying for you, sister and you did nothing to deserve that
On The. Tv show " Vampire Diaries" the vampires could switch off their humanity and often the storylines would involve getting them to switch it back on and deal with what they had done "
I've had people tell me it was _my_ fault for getting in an abusive relationship. It wasn't abusive *AT FIRST* . And yet I've had people blame me. I found out years later that he ended up with multiple felonies doing the same thing he was to me to another woman... and worse. The cop just blew me off and refused to even take a report after he beat me (multiple times) and choked me. They just told me "If you don't like it, move'. It was my house. And they wouldn't do anything until he put me in the hospital or killed me (Cop's words). After that he held a loaded shotgun to my head. The cops were useless. I bet the cop that refused take my report was an abuser himself.
It took me a very long time before I realized that I was abused by my ex back then. I remember what happened and how it affected me the following days. I just buried it deep down for years, ignoring it, because I was so afraid of acknowledging that it DID happen, I was afraid of the consequences. I've been watching all your videos related to sexual abuse and trauma, and I just want to say thank you. Now that I'm single again, I think it's about time to really just process what happened to me all those years ago. Thank you so much.
My mother once said to me after she found out I was sexually assaulted by a kid I was babysitting, "Why would you let this happen?" And I didn't have an answer for her.
I have already watched a few of your videos. I like your casual relatable style. Alan I first got to know you on Cinima Therapy along with your buddy whos name escapes me. I'm already subscribed to that channel. I will subscribe to this one. You sold me because of how you talked about this subject matter. I was sexually abused repeatedly as a child by an uncle. There are many layers to it. You are right about intellectually dealing with it. That's where I'm stuck with it along with other kinds of abuse I have indured.
One of the biggest lies is the woman wore something provocative . I was sexually assaulted when I was homeless and staying at a hostel. I was wearing very unflattering pajamas and a robe and I was in my 40s. The perp was a drunk Northern Irishman who was leaving the country next day. I am embarrassed to make a scene and even if police came the guy was a flight risk. I felt ashamed because post divorce was "making up for lost time" sexually and often wondered if being assaulted was karma for me being laissez faire with my sexuality post divorce.
There are some things you can protect children from in honoring their virtue and innocence, but it gets harder when the Internet has become so accessible. Adults in positions of power have held guardrails on our viewing habits in some cases, but the Dial Up Connection has been replaced by a stronger Cable or WiFi setup. Parents need to be aware of how these devices can addict children to a world that is not reality. I feel like Alice or Neo in The Matrix after taking the Red Pill, just give me the blue pill and put me out of my misery. Funny enough, my middle name Allison is said to be a diminutive of Alice.
I was told it didn’t happen . I imagined it I put someone else’s head to someone else’s body. Gaslighting at its best. I’m still not 💯 ( I am) but not really?
Abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, etc - often happens in families, with people we inherently want to love and trust. Can viewers expect a video on whether a healthy relationship with the abuser is eventually possible?
Once went to therapy with my boyfriend at the time, who I wanted to break up with. I explained how I felt and how I did not feel secure, and wasn't happy with him. when my boyfriend spoke she gave me the homework assignment to watch a movie to describe that i need to work on communication .
I'm a therapist, and I'm continually shocked by the shit that my clients tell me their previous therapists said to them. Good on you for starting this series Deckers, I look forward to seeing more of them.
Thanks Ali
Thank you, I have been a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I remember when I was a child and I had told someone about the abuse, they told me "Just tell them to stop it.."
I knew a guy who victim blamed; when he was mugged I said "well, it's your own fault, you dress like you have money, what did you expect?!". Strangely, he wasn't amused.
You're a fucking legend.
This video should be mandatory to watch. Thank you, a survivor.
Thank you Francesca. You deserve healing.
❤️
I saw a museum piece that showed what sexual abuse victims were wearing at the time of the crime, it's very chilling. There was many outfits that would not ever show skin, they weren't looking for attention. The little pink dress they had just made you want to cry, it was sized for ages 3-6. Children are not sexual beings, they don't think about it, there is no "asking for it".
I've seen photos of that exhibit. Most of the outfits are jeans and a t-shirt, or maybe a sweatshirt and sweatpants. A couple of prom dresses. A military uniform. And yes, a disgusting amount of children's clothing.
It's a deed of opportunity, no matter how you look, what you wear, it does not matter, it is not about you being hot, about you at all and often not even about sex. It's about power...
Look up the history of Denim Day in regards to sexual assault
I saw an article about this. It’s all depressing, but the kids clothing.. so chilling. The little pyjamas… 😢
The fact that sexual abuse is high in countries where they wear a hijab/the full body covering clothes, where even flashing an ankle or wrist is seen as sinful, should tell you how much the clothes you're wearing actually cause sexual assault.
Has for sure nothing to do with being repressed and and a cultural attitude that declares women a possession for men to use.... No how could it
People are responsible for their own actions. Culture, society, or a general lack of awareness in a social group can empower people who want to force themselves on another person(lack of consent is implied where I said force) to do so without fearing any kind of repercussions.
Western society is just superior.
And i'm tired of pretending it's not.
Sexual abuse and rape are high in countries where sex is basically dangling in your face 24/7 like it is in the USA.
"my personal experience, 9/10" it's so true. I'm actually surprised if I get to know a woman well and learn she was NOT abused. I'm surprised and almost skeptical because it's so unusual. Excellent video - there are so many who need to hear this message!
PS - your voices are kind of quiet... and your exit music is VERY loud.
It is far too common. Thanks for your feedback!
It is so common. 😭 I always feel like. If it was just me I could deal with that but now finding out that my older sister also had these experiences has broken my heart. No child, teen or adult. No HUMAN deserves to be violated in anyway... it makes me sick to my stomach...
For ongoing abuse maybe 9/10, but I'd be stunned if unwanted sexual contact of any sort weren't 10/10. I made it to 28 before it happened to me - my breast being groped - but I'm a recluse, which I'm sure is the only reason I made it that far.
I’m the 1/10. I wish there were more of us. I wish we could be 10/10 because nobody deserves that. My heart goes out to all of you ❤
My personal favorite that I got after being abused by my first boyfriend “you did it with him willing before why was it different that time?” And “you were his girlfriend how could that happen?” I.e. since we were in a relationship sex was my ‘duty’ and because I had said yes before that was to automatically mean I was saying yes to everything every time.
Some man think becouse we are naked in front of them or are their partner, they have a pass to do everything, but at the same time they have boundaries and want to be respected.
I really liked the idea of the 'illusion of safety.' I'd say generally it's 'the illusion of An answer.'
Especially how victim-blaming seems to create an easy solution. It's an extension of "Well if he didn't want to be shot he shouldn't have done XYZ."
Or, when a person is devastated people saying, "You should have tried harder." Especially for people who are not good with emotionally empathizing with other people and problems.
The 'Sexual Abuse is your fault' seems to just be one of the worse manifestations of this.
Yes, "illusilon of safety" is greatly explained! 👍👏💖 THANK YOU DECKERS❣️❣️Great podcast❣️❣️😍💖💓💗🙌🙌
It's not always adults that abuse children. All of the sexual contact I had from age 4 to 14 was by other children. I was taught it was a game. And in that vain, I passed it on to other children, thinking it was just a game.
Yes, that's true. It can definitely happen with one child doing it to another child.
That reminds me of the conditioning exercise found in Brave New World of little children to engage in unrestricted sexual play. It was to train them to get doped out of their gourd on Soma and have endless orgies with no risk of pregnancy.
Yes. Didn’t even realize until my 20s that my first experience of sexual assault was in elementary school because we were “just playing truth or dare” and that’s just how the game was played
I absolutely hated staying the night with my best friend because she would make fun of me for not wanting to play it or get mad at me when I never chose dare because I didn’t want to tell her to do those same things to me. Now I’m just shocked at how young we were and how she even knew about all those things (I sure didn’t know about them at that time and I was older than her)
That's a result of sexual abuse too. A kid should not know and get ideas about that but if they experienced something like that, if they gre up in an environment where they get exposed to what they do not understand and that misrepresents it it all gets wired up wrong in their brain, makes it look like that is normal.... A reason why I despise movies that romanticise stalking for love or the harmless peeping Tom ... Its not normal or OK.
There can be harmless kids are kids things, but there is a line and way to often it gets crossed
Yeah I tried to touch my younger best friends privates during a sleepover when I was 9 because my birth mother had been molested me my whole life. I had no idea that being touched was not normal and I was curious only to be stabbed with a overwhelming feeling that I’d done something wrong and stopped almost immediately. But I was not capable of connecting that to the concept that what was happening to me was wrong. Eventually I confessed to my friends mom when I was an adult fully expecting her to hate me but it turned out she had been abused to and she was forgiving and compassionate. I was preparing to go to jail!
As a high school student I told the school counselor that older guys took advantage of me. I said it felt like it was my fault. He looked me in the eye and said "It's good you're taking responsibility."
That's terrible! I hope you have since been able to find a good therapist and get the help you need to heal.
I hope you reported him
That counselor is an idiot and those boys were sick. I am really sorry for everything that happened. ❤️
It was not your fault at all. No one ever deserves such treatment.
What the fuck is wrong with people like that?!?!?!
Wow. I cannot imagine. I am so sorry you had to hear then grapple with that betrayal
I recently was telling a therapist about my bullying victim background during school and high school and she asked me "Why do you think you allowed them to bully you?" felt like a kick to the nads...
I’ve been told a similar thing as well. I was horrendously bullied early on in HS and I went to counselors to try to stop it since I was far too afraid to confront them. I was told straight to my face that if I didn’t make any attempt to stop them myself, then they wouldn’t help me. From that day on, I refused to see counselors and I endured more bullying and abuse. Victims are sometimes far too scared to intervene and need outside sources to help them. It’s not shameful to ask for help but the counselors I reached out to made me feel that way
My narcissistic mother said "well I've never put myself in a position for that to happen" when she found out I had been raped. While trying to sleep IN MY OWN ROOM
I rarely ever did anything endangering, dress modest and all, the closest I got to it was in the early evening in summer, so still light outside, after leaving a bookshop on a very lively street with many shops waiting for a bus. A group of drunks tried to chat me up, I ignored them, so they came closer and I decided to walk.... They followed me through 3 stores trying to shake them of while thinking I was just paranoid.... I was not asking for anything, I was not even looking at them it was compleatly random. It is never your fault!!!
When I was in college, back in the late 80's, my sociology professor asked our class of about 120 students to participate in a survey that some of his grad students were conducting. A few weeks later he talked about the survey results with us. It was a survey on childhood sexual abuse and self esteem. They had first given the survey to a small group of about 20 people. One in four had reported being sexually abused as children. The professor thought the sample group was too small and asked for a larger group to be surveyed. Sixty people and again one in four reported being sexually abused. So, he surveyed our class of 120, and again one in four. He was shocked and saddened.
And that doesn't even take into account that many victims were too young to remember the abuse.
Trigger warning: sexual abuse/ manipulation discussed.
My abuser manipulated me for years saying things like "You wear shorts to push me to this" or "with that top on you're just asking for it."
It truly makes one hyper aware of every decision we may make when simply dressing. It took me years after leaving that situation to feel comfortable in anything other than sweats or jeans.
I never asked or wanted any of it. It hurts to know the hardest battle I still fight is simply being believed that not only did I not want it, but I would have done anything to stop it if I could.
I'm sorry to hear of your experience. You are believed and supported here at Mended Light. I wish you peace and healing moving forward
One of mine said the same. Even a teacher at school - when I tried to tell her I was being raped…she said “well look at those miniskirts you wear! What do you THINK the boys are going to do?!” That took ages to get over. 30 years later, I still wear blue jeans and sweatshirts all the time.
This series is needed!!! I see so many people who've heard wrong & harmful things from therapists, counsellors, psychiatrists etc, & somebody needs to tell them to not say things like that.
Very true, it's just not acceptable to say these things to survivors
One phrase that I've heard that actually pisses me off is, "you can't rape the willing" moreso when used in the context of blaming the victim.
Yes, that is a disgusting phrase, I agree.
The thing is, the statement is true, but the implications are so very much not and that's what makes it so insidious. If someone says no, they are not willing, even if they do not say no, as long as they do not say yes, they are not willing and wearing a skirt is not saying yes!!!
I had been raped when I was 17 by an ex boyfriend. We were playing around and it was getting heated but when it came time to take things further, I changed my mind. He didn't take no for an answer. I always thought that we had gone too far to stop. It wasn't his fault. I didn't want to and I felt violated and ashamed after but it wasn't really rape because if I had been willing to scream, make a scene or hurt him badly enough, it never would have happened. I recently had a panic attack while grappling (Jui Jitsu style) while being held down because I realized I didn't know to fight back and my disillusion of control I had left me breathless, shaking and sick to my stomach. It felt like it shouldn't have been traumatic. Or the other sexual abuse I experienced wasn't that bad, perhaps I drank too much or I shouldn't have been alone at night, but it was my own illusion of control.
Hearing friends tall about their experience. It doesn't matter if you particpated or if you physically responded. If you don't want to and it happens, it doesn't matter who you are or who they are, it's not okay. I don't know what the answer is, but it helps to know you're not alone.
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. It is so true that it's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself or minimize what happened. Your trauma response is natural, and it's crucial to treat it for what it was and get support if you need it. I loved your last paragraph. You have great strength and compassion.
Someone like you might find these resources very helpful:
Tim Larkin/Target Focus Training
John Correa/Active Self Protection
Thank you for posting this. I’ve finally found someone’s story that matches my own and there’s a sad but beautiful comfort in that. I hope for healing for us both. ❤️
A lot of abuse continues in families because of the blame people put on themselves for the abuse and never talking about it. My family has a history of abuse because it was silenced and every adult blamed the child. My own grandma blamed be(a 5 year old) for wearing a dress and sitting improperly and leading on my abuser. I don't blame her or the abuser, I pity them because they couldn't heal from their own trauma and the only way they could deal was to internalize it & normalize it. They were never shown how to cope in a healthy way. Unfortunately it's a problem that's only now starting to be talked about(not just in my family but in the media). I no longer associate with certain members of my family because they have gone so far into their belief that they don't want help or see their behavior as a problem. It's sad because I had some really great times with my grandma but she made her choice by choosing my abuser and blaming me. In order for me to move forward, and for my mental health, I chose myself.
It is a hard decision to make, but you have shown strength and progress in choosing yourself first. The fact that you can show empathy towards these people by acknowledging their own trauma and response, is a really beautiful and brave thing. All the best moving forward Aryona.
@@MendedLight thank you. You're video's really help me find clarity in my own thought processes, I'm grateful🤗
I had a therapist tell me I choose to have PTSD and that I just need to choose not to have it and that is why she picked my case cause she knew she could fix me... I walked out of her office at that point.
I had an idiot therapist that told me that c-PTSD could be 'cured', but I just didn't want to be. I walked out the door and never went back.
Thank you for talking about topics that aren't easy to discuss!
You're very welcome Madeleine. I hope you are able to find some peace through this channel.
Anybody else want to find those therapists (you know, actual Licensed Professionals) and Personally dropkick them?
I bet there are people who feel like that!
It's amazing how long we'll blame ourselves for something we had no control over. I was five when I was molested and I always harbored self blame. It wasn't until my friends kid turned five (i was around thirty) and I thought about the situation from the adult point of view. I would NEVER blame that beautiful kid if someone did that to him, how could I. Once I saw it like that, it broke the remaining self blame. Because how could I possibly blame five year old me for something a grown ass adult man did?
I was dating my abuser. And when it came out a few years later, it even shocked me when I put the words to what happened.
And I was a "good girl", overlarge t-shirts and jeans, super naive... and it still happened. And then it happened again and kept happening because well we were dating.
It is awful to look back at. Especially as a parent.
Another thing is when people question if the abused person is lying. Especially if they are a survivor of multiple attacks throughout their life. With me my stepgrandpa groomed me until I was an adult then he abused me. You hit so many points THANK YOU! Some of this i needed to hear again. Thank you so much. #safebae #stoprapeculture
You are totally believed, loved and valued here at Mended Light! I'm glad the video was helpful to you. Remember: It was not your fault, and it does not define who you are as a person! All the best!
Also when someone reports multiple assaults in life it gives credence to their claims not doubt. Because the statistics say that someone who was sexually abused even once in their childhood is literally 1000% more likely to be abused/attacked again when compared to someone who has never been abused/attacked. That’s a real statistic. Obviously it doesn’t mean that the person in the statistic is 100% guaranteed to be hurt again but it means it’s MUCH more likely than compared to those not hurt.
I think from a child's perspective, its easier and sometimes in a weird way, feels more comforting to say "its my fault" instead of having to come to terms with the fact that you are in an unsafe situation that you can't simply leave, and that can lead to an over arching anxiety that nowhere is safe. Basically the two most common trauma responses, its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place
Thank you so much This is an amazing video! AS a sexual assult survivor from childhood and as a rape and sexualassult survivor from being in the military and in the real world. I acctually had a person who was a friend at the time tell me that "you take too many risks, its no wonder why you got rapped." And I know it wasn't okay for him to say that to me and it did effect me deeply and still does. But thanks to your video I know and can understand that he was trying to protect he view of my exhusband and of his cowerkers because he knew the people personally who had rapped and assulted me. I now can understand he probaly was protecting himself from the thought that "WTF the people who I care about are rapist! What does that make me?" Thank you again so much for these videos keep them coming they are so helpful for me to unravel the past so that I can have a deeper understanding and so that I can move forward from a survivor to a thriver.
A lot of great comments have already been made, so I just want to take a moment to acknowledge the beautiful moment at 3:41. To be so attuned like that! She opened her mouth but waited (probably to let him finish his thought), and he IMMEDIATELY noticed and shifted focus so that she could share what she had to say. Beautiful example of healthy dialogue.
I saw an ad on a bus once that said one in three women will be a victim of a sexual crime (I can't figure out the term) at some point in their lives, so that's a scary statistic
Just a heads up, because the talking parts are super quiet I had to turn my headphones way up to hear it properly. And then when the super load music came on suddenly at the end it scared the crap out of me. (I know my jump scares at the moment are super bad but I'm guessing I'm not the only one that the sudden noise level change scared. Especially because the people watching this content is more likely to have a bigger startle response than those watching normal content). Sorry if that made no sense.
I've been telling myself that the snap shots of memory are just me making them up. I've been telling myself that the times I've been taken advantage of were my fault that could have done more to stop it... it's only now as a 30 year old that I've started to unpack all of this with a therapist. 😞 I'm exaughsted.
I think it's very important for people that have been in these unfortunate situations that it's not their fault and it's not on them to act in a certain way to try to prevent these things, because it's not the victims actions that inspire these incidents, it's the perp that decides these things....
When I was in 5th or 6th grade I had an incident happen to myself by another child in my grade. He had a mental disability so it was explained to me by the teachers that he didn't know what he was doing, but it still was traumatic for me. The worst part of it was that another classmate saw this happen and all he did was stand and laugh.
I'm using an alt account because I still am afraid to talk about it to my current friends because the last time I told a friend they summed it up using phrasing that made it sound like the beginning of a lame joke. I am afraid to even bring it up to anyone anymore because I'm worried that they will laugh too... But this video has made me realize that I can talk about it and I will be bringing it up with my therapist now.
All you have are stories of your abuse is what my current therapist said. It sounds as if she don't believe me.
This is a great new segment. It's so hard to challenge unhelpful or hurtful things that professionals said. I have been able to turn other cheek on many cruel things I have heard as a survivor. Truly the only one that I never could was a "friend" saying that I should forgive my abuser as he had passed away and that was mean for not doing so. I rarely locked people out of my life but I have never spoken to that person again.
Betrayal from a friend is harder to move past than something a stranger says, even as a professional. Wishing you all the best moving forward
@@MendedLight Thank you so much 😊
The idea that victims are to blame is very big in the Christian community. There was one time where a police officer verbally sexualized me. It was dark out and I was alone with him. He was an officer of and I was terrified. So I did not say or do anything to blatantly stop him from talking. He never physically touched me - thank God. But when I told some of the people in the community, one guy said that I needed to change the way that I carried myself so that other men would know how to interact with me. I have never been more disgusted with a response
I started sobbing during this video. Because so much of what you said about blaming myself and what other people said and how I could have never consented as a child just hit me. I thought i was done blaming myself, but this video showed me I still do, even two years safe I still do
I have ptsd from being abused as a child. I also have mental illness. One day I was frustrated with myself and thought “I wonder how much of my damage is from trauma and how much is from being crazy?” The first thing that popped into my head was “I hope it’s the mental illness because then it’s less my fault.” I had been in therapy for years so I was able to immediately remind myself that neither of those things is my fault, but it feels hopeless sometimes that I’ll ever get past this.
I had 3 men who were only nice to me because they wanted sex. First was Jr. High.
Therapists are human beings and make mistakes, but some viewpoints are just inexcusable for a therapist to have. "Sexual abuse is the victim's fault" is one of them.
you two are my favorite!
Thank you!
They say the same thing to physical assault. That you are responsible of someone punching you on the face because you provoked them somehow
I'm currently in therapy to help deal with sexual assault that occured when I was 16 then when I was 18 - the fact that it happened to me twice (with different partners) is exactly why I find it so hard to let go of the 'you obviously did something to cause it.' There is also the whole 'you could've prevented this' - in my (not rational) mind, it must be me as the common denominator.
Whilst I understand that people aren't necessarily educated enough to comprehend what actually counts as sexual assault (I had to literally explain the definition to my mother after her comment about someone on the news 'asking for it') there should be more done to help them understand it AND to assist them in not further digging the whole the person who was assaulted is trying to climb out of. What exactly that takes the form of (i.e. the education) I am not too sure, but I hope to contribute to developing it some day.
I really appreciate your video and it makes a lot of sense.
Can you please, if you haven't already, do a video on the flight vs. fight response (or 'freezing') during an assault? I think that also needs to be an are explored, because apparently 'no' still means 'yes.'
When you think to yourself that you’re the common denominator, try to remember what Alicia pointed out-most abusers have more than one victim. You have no idea how many there may have been before or after you.
My first bf was emotionally abusive. He talked about his ex gf’s leaving their shared friend group after their break-ups and implied that he had picked ‘crazy’ girls. After we broke up, I eventually realized that I wasn’t the third ‘crazy ex,’ I was the third victim of emotional abuse who realized they needed to get away from him.
I’d like to point out that just because you’re called a professional, doesn’t always mean you’re a professional in that field. There are plenty of people who are deemed professionals and yet they are one of the worst at that job.
8:15 reminds me so much a the try guys scandal with Ned, he was in a position of power over the person he was seeing and he had created his image so when the rumor started going around, I saw it and thought it couldn’t be true, he would never do such a thing and I was so firm I’m my belief of this person because of what he projected himself to be until it was true and it was undeniable. Cheating is different that what there talking about I’m not trying to liken them but it just stuck me the similarities
I appreciate that you made a point to state that women can sexually abuse men. My birth mother molested both me and my brother for most of our childhood and raped my brother when he was a toddler. When me and my birth mom moved to the US he stayed in Japan bc at 9 i could care for myself but at 4 (almost 5) he couldn’t. His childhood memories start at 5 years old and it was that way since he was reunited with us when he was almost 9. He developed an addiction to pornography and inappropriately touched/ molested a girl who was a year and a half his senior when he was 11. He got support by our foster parents and was able to overcome his addiction and urges. I truly believe that those foster parents saved him from a future in and out of prison or from life as a sexual predator. Fortunately if you can call it that, he was always attracted to adult women or girls older than him. (He went through a phase where he’d try to touch the breasts, butts, or crotches of random women when he was in public settings I often grabbed his hand away and told our foster parents.
When I raped nearly daily for 5 months and it ended in a miscarriage when I was 15 when I “came forward” initially it was because I had had a dream about having sex with my brother and I woke up so appalled at myself because not only was he my brother he was a child. Initially irrationally I self harmed and handcuffed myself to the bottom section of my loft bed for over a day (looking back I don’t know what I was thinking ) but once I calmed down I realized that …wait maybe what was happening to me was inappropriate so I asked about it at bible study but quickly fell back on the details because I didn’t want to get Mr. Garry in trouble because he was feeding me and my brother because our birth mother neglected us, helped with maintenance around the house teaching me how to do it and was a children’s ministry leader at his church. It took me years to admit it was rape because I convinced myself that 1 he couldn’t possibly hurt me on purpose 2 I never said no (I didn’t know I could say no to an adult) 3 I after he took my virginity I figured I had already broken my covenant with God so 3.5 I was equally as culpable for “participating” in premarital sex. It took me over a year after that to accept that he knew what he did was wrong. And then another few years to stop burying that I had almost certainly had had a miscarried a child. Which I took a long time to grieve and I went through cycles of the five stages of grief.
not all sexual abuse looks the same either
Praise God
So happy to be working with you guys for guidance and understanding. 💙
We're so glad that you're here and finding some help and healing through our channel.
Excellent you guys. Thank you.
My therapist did this to me a few years ago, since I'm a guy. My SA happened when I was 8 by a 7 year older girl.
Told me I liked it. I internalised that and it really pushed my healing back a LOT.
I think the 9/10 is true. And to be honest we aren't used to actually acknowledge were abused. Because the fact that man pinch my bum is just part of life right, or at least goint out. It's a compliment and that's how we should see this. This has actually been told to me by men and women. Must say he said sorry when we went to a gaybar and he appeared to be popular.
Seriously thank you for making these videos. Thank you so much. I’m showing this to my family.
I saw the title and I went "NO! 😲"
“Hurt people hurt people…” - Constance Wu character in film “Hustlers”
I wonder often about the mindset of those who would oversimplify such a legitimate mind f*ck circumstance. Shoutout to those who fight mightily against a power imbalance that perpetuates this awful systemic problem in many cultures worldwide
You spoke for the least of us… my faith says there’s nothing more Christian than that. So really, God bless you both for being part of the better goal for humanity
Thank you for posting this 🙏👏
Music is a language for the unheard
This song speaks to my heart who endures in spite of
Hope it gives all the right feels to all who encounter this post
th-cam.com/video/sXPtrxen-R4/w-d-xo.html
This is such a great video. I felt so understood and appreciate both of you. I am a survivor myself and want to pursue the work to properly serve other survivors in the further. Thank you for this amazing video
it's sad but I had a therapist hear all my SA stories and say to my face "ok, so let's start talking about your pleasure....because it wouldn't have happened if you were not into it", also had a psychiatrist say that having PTSD was normal and that there was nothing wrong with e besides being dramatic since everyone experiences "disappointment" in life
Thank you
Tw paedophilia.
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I had a therapist ask me if I liked what my paedophile had done to me. I was in hospital after my my right leg, arm and eye stopped working. I had never met this person before, we hadn't built up a rapport. I had been looking to show him the news article that covered the issue.
My leg started shaking by itself and hasn't stopped. That was 5 years ago. I need crutches to walk now.
I am so so sorry to hear of your experience Rowan! Sending you prayers and love. Just know that you are SO worthy, SO valued and what happened to you was NOT your fault. It does not define who you are as a person. I hope you may find some help through this channel.
This 1 of 4 or 9 of 10 question probably also depends a lot on the definition of sexual assault. i'm mostly very unsuspecting and not picking up social stuff well (recently got diagnosed with autism, so that explains that). There've been many situations where i think about something in retrospec and wonder, if i have been assaulted and just didn't notice. For example when i examine a patient (I'm studying medicine) and they say something not related to the topic i might not even process it at the time, it's like filling words like "uhm" at the moment. then later i might remember the guy told me something about me wanting to know, how a real man feels, when i plapated his inguinal area for pulses and hernias.
it's especially confusing when i get along great with someone on a kind of rough tone, and then someone tells me about that person beeing so sexist and abusing and whatnot towards them, and all other women agree and i just wonder, if i'm now supposed to not like the person anymore, or if i'm sending some signals, i don't inted to (again), and he might at any point suddenly act on an interpretation i wasn't aware of (again)...
So basically i never felt sexually assaulted in any given situation at the moment it happened. maybe confused once or twice. mostly i just notice a situation having been weird or confusing afterwards.
Very true. It's often confusing and can be quite shocking.
In my case I've had multiple therapists but have been fortunate enough to have good ones. To the point where I can usually talk about my sexual abuse almost freely. However society itself has so many excuses and backwards thinking that I did start to sensor myself because everyone seems to want to find an excuse to say I'm being a drama queen and don't really have mental health issues from it because it wasn't REALLY sexual abuse. Even my own family feels like I should be readily forgiving and over it with my abuser because he is family. Most of the sexual abuse victims I know are already doing mental gymnastics to blame themselves myself included. That doubt is always there even when logically I know it's not true that I'm at fault. I was appalled when I started having friendships and discovering others who were sexually abused as kids at how many parents actually blamed their children for being victims. The reason I had so much therapy and can still mostly talk about it freely (although society has now made me warry of discussing too many details because they're just tools to gaslight me at this point) is because I also had the insane amount of luck of my parents walking in on us, and doing everything humanly possible right. They separated us, collected evidence and put me and even themselves in therapy immediately. Yet my family still thinks they should get over it. Thankfully this has never happened with my therapist but it did happen enough times when they were educating us about it in school and when I brought it up to someone who didn't have that experience. So I know that there are definitely going to be therapists who say this and it is horrible and terrifying and disgusting. We are already confused enough too. There's a part of me and other sexual abuse victims I know who don't want to blame our abuser because we actually already have an emotional attachment before it starts and we love them and don't want them to be the monster. Even between sexual abuse victims, we sometimes gaslight each other because we don't respond the same way. It's great that I had good help but it also means I don't present like the stereotype. I'm not quiet or mistrusting. I'm fine with physical contact in general but I'm not fixed and I still have a plethora of mental health problems as a result. But because I look fine and sound fine people assume I'm lying or over exaggerating. It's hard enough to go through life without being gaslighted into thinking it's your fault by society and by yourself. There is no excuse for it to come from someone who is supposed to educated and guide you through thinking in healthy ways about yourself and others.
Nuns, the elderly and toddlers have been attacked. It has nothing to do with enticing attire, "asking for it," or being a tease. Those who choose to hurt others are responsible for their hostile actions.
Another incredible video from Alicia and Jonathan Decker.
I was wondering if you could cover the topic of being a good person.
Is the last "they said" video really this old? Wow, time flys. Could you add "But that's just communication, let's focus on the actual issues you are having" to s*** a couples councellor said? Happened to me, when the only real issue was respectful communication.
Also, I'll need to revisit the sexual abuse videos now that I have experience, thanks for building up a library of validation. Last time I asked for support, they wouldn't even validate that I'm sane. And that was not the abuser. My personal therapist thinks I'm sane, at least.
I’ve never had a therapist tell me that, but I’ve heard plenty of other people imply it. It’s the reason that I am very careful who I disclose my experiences to.
Ty☺
The most painful thing I ever had someone say to me was said by a friend I had for years. She knew about my difficult relationship with my family and my past abuse and one day she turned to me and said I feel most sorry for the man who abused you. It's not exactly the same as victim-blaming but it sure hurts when someone you trust and hope to find support with decides to "side" with your abuser.
I'm sorry, _what_
Wtf was her logic for that, if you're comfortable sharing? Did she even frickin' have one, or were you so taken aback by the absolute stupidity that fell out of her mouth to ask?
My sisters did this. One said the abuse I experienced was only “alleged.” The other said she had empathy for my abuser, because chances were high that he had been abused. So him possibly being abused warranted more concern than me actually being abused by him. My dad said I had to forgive him, and my mom would take every opportunity to bring him up in conversation and bring his kids to events where they would play with my kids. 🤮
Non-professional opinion here: the difference between helpful and being hurtful might be predicted with some questions.
- Is the purpose of your statements to help the victim or other people avoid this tragedy in the future, or some other reason?
- Did the person ask for your opinion?
- Do you see risk tolerance as a character trait or just a personality trait?
- How much does this person value uncomfortable truth?
- Would this person feel embarrassed or empowered by my statements?
- Does this person tend to interpret things in the worst way possible? (Think Kathy Newman.)
My abuser was a narcissist, and he used the fact that I had feelings for him and genuinely enjoyed his presence at first to firmly position me as his victim. I was a favorite toy, and he crossed a lot of boundaries without me even realizing it until long after it was over. And I feel extremely guilty, like I should have known and recognized, but he was a good actor until people he couldn't cut me off from saw the dark side of him in undeniable ways. There's guilt at not reporting him or otherwise trying to keep him from ever hurting anyone else, but I didn't have proof. Just a lot of things he could absolutely have spun as me being "consenting" or a "miscommunication". Hopefully someone some day has the power to take him down a peg or 5.
I was sexually abused by my step father and the court appointed therapist told me that I "obviously" wasn't deeply impacted by it because I was sitting with my legs spread. I was dressed in baggy male clothing to hide my female body. This led me to try to embrace my female body and push down my dysphoria to the point that it took me another 20 years to realize I was trans.
i truly appreciate this. i unfortunately experienced something along these lines and never sought therapy, because all i could remember from my ex-therapist was when she repeatedly said "youŕe a poor communicator, thatś why things are your fault".
Ugh! I got this so many times. It took a long time for me to accept that I am in fact an excellent communicator surrounded by people who don’t want to understand what I’m saying to them.
Ya- “that’s not going to happen to me because I’m not pretty” … well as it turns out that doesn’t really matter to a drunk jock
I wouldn't normally point this out, but as someone with a sibling who is hearing impaired and reads the subtitles.. I'd like to point out that the words at 5:41 -ish need a lil' fixing. "never okay Ever" instead of what is says.
this makes me wonder, how many adults who try to cover up their kids rape allegations or insist they did nothing wrong are really trying to cover uo the fact that they themselves have SA'ed their kid, and thats where they learned the behavior in the first place
Would you do a review in any way, here or on cinema therapy, of the show after life (with Ricky gervais)? I would love to see your take on that show because it’s one of my favourite shows ever because it’s so beautiful yet sad and I guess real. If you haven’t seen it I think you may enjoy the analysis of it at least.
There is some serious personal responsibility associated with getting raped assaulted etc. ie don’t shower with the opposite sex if the relationship isn’t sexual. There are legit things that increase the odds that are common sense.
As a person who has been sexually abused in a situation Jon describes, I wish he had been my therapist. He would have had my priorities in mind other than my therapist, who left me alone to pick up the pieces by myself as a person who was there because they couldn’t. I know for a fact that I WOULD NEVER do to another person what was done to me due to the simple fact that I know what scars that leaves. It has lasted irrevocably in my my mind and is something I need to address with a therapist so I can be happy.
Something I find fascinating and have only started to realise is a thing in recent years is the way girls and women from quite a young age have to be taught to deal with some quite inappropriate stuff wolf whistling not to just accept anyone on social media that sort of thing that boys and men don't even have to think about and a lot of it comes down to this victim shaming mentality that society seems to have and that's very very wrong
I will never forget being appalled at an 8th-grade sleepover sponsored by my Baptist church in which girls and our college-age leader said that if a woman wore a sports bra while jogging, she deserved to be raped. 🤯🤯 People call out the Catholic Church, but they have records... This is especially a problem in evangelical communities, where there is little to no hierarchy in which one might even hope to be held accountable. I myself was abused as a teen by someone at my church.
Every day, I fear for my naive nieces and nephews who are homeschooled and deep in the church, because my sister thinks it’s all good and that their children are safe if their whole lives are at home or church.
Nope. My experience in the Middle East is testament to how prevalent abuse is behind closed doors, in the most chaste of external moral and religious contexts... but because this same community sees Islam as “the other,” it’s not seen as the same situation. :(
TL, DR: sex education is vital in any context, religious or non.
This is terrible.
My rapist told me "it was just a stupid mistake" and then everyone got upset with me after that for not moving on...
Idk it just felt like they were belittling something that seemed so huge to me
Oh and my rapist was my best friend at the time. Someone I trusted with my life. SHE didn't seem like that kind of person..
I never told anyone cause I felt like it was my fault
Hey y’all, this is a healing video for me personally. Thanks for making it. Keep dismantling victim blaming.
Yeah I have gotten this one before. It's rough when you are in a really dark place in your life and you feel like everything is your fault and then the person who is supposed to be helping you says that this is your fault.
I love your channel, Jonathon! I have DID from a lifetime of abuse and rape. I have had a lot of good therapy and also some bad therapy. This channel is such a wonderful reminder of what is true and good.thank you.
She kinda looks like angelina jolie
Oh wow, the comment about blaming the victims so the ones who blame can go on believing in a "their save world" was eye-opening. I never heard it that way, thanks, that feels so true.
🤗👍❤️💕
I had a friend who tried talking me into having sex with him but thankfully let it go after I had declined multiple times. And when I told another friend about it after some time how shocked and hurt I was that after me declining sexual favors he broke off contact and basically let our previous friendship of several years to rot, she only said "just take it as a compliment that he thinks you're hot". I didn't really know why I was so hurt by that statement back then (I was around 18), but now I do know and I'm glad that you guys address all of this in such a serious manner!
I really love your videos, they are very healing :)
idk your friend and what she was really trying to say but it can be that she just awkwardly tried to cheer you up. Like she just didn't know how to react. The same way somebody can say "don't be so sad" when you depressed. That been said I don't agree with what she said, as I think that when somebody opens up to you, you should think carefully about what you're saying in that moment of vulnerability. And if you don't know how to react - just say that and show some compassion/support.
I'm sorry for you, I heard ftom my own sister that if I love a man I'm gonna endure all kinds of abuse.
This broke me. 😢
I rarely ever did anything endangering, don't drink, don't party, not being out in the dark, dress modest and all, the closest I got to it was in the early evening in summer, so still light outside, after leaving a bookshop on a very lively street with many shops waiting for a bus. A group of drunks tried to chat me up, I ignored them, so they came closer and I decided to walk.... They followed me through 3 stores trying to shake them of while thinking I was just paranoid.... I was not asking for anything, I was not even looking at them it was compleatly random. It is never your fault!!!
Well, and there was the time I did something stupid. He was a friend, who knew I am aro ace and very touchy at the subject of intimicy and sex.
I always was afraid and variy as if I had bad experience, I am somewhat sociophobic especially concerning men, touching me can send me into panik.... But I had no reason. He knew all of that. It was dark, I was going home with him after a concert he held so we get to talk a bit, we rarelly got to do that, cause he was very busy.... And then he stopped and said he wanted to try something ... He never said what, he did not need to I said no no no no no and he started to argue how I could know I did not want too, if I ever tried.... It was stupid and I felt so so betrayed in the end he coerced me I to allowing him to kiss me just so he would stop asking while panicking ever since he said "I want to try something..." so I then could give him a no he would accept and in his... I don't want to say defense, but he did accept that no. He did "offer sex" but he did not touch me or push for it or anything despite me, in my panic addled state still following him home for my mind would have collapsed if I had been alone .... I never forgave him, be broke my trust any any trust I could ever hold for more then 3 very special people I knew before that and that already had proven themselfs as safe. I will never feel safe again with someone to explore if might be demi or not... He came from this place of "curing a sexuality" he would never consider what he did as wrong and in the grand scream of things it was harmless. He did not force me I to something, he did not try to rape me, it could have been way way worse but with how my mind and feelings where, what he did was all he nedded to do for me to feel utterly violated and unsafe. I cut my hair down to one and a half inches after that, only wore men cloths for 2 years and still am increadably careful where and around who I wear dresses. I am pretty flat cheasted, so a lose shirt covers up all my curves... Even now 6 years later I freeze up when alone with a men, increadably afraid anything I might do could be read as an encouragement, never show much skin or body shape...... I really really do not want to know how people who went through really assault feel. Nothing happened to me, and it still dominates a good portion of my life, informers my decisions.....
I am so sorry for everyone who was not as lucky...
I am so sorry that happened to you!! That was so wrong and you have every right to feel violated after what he did to you, especially knowing that you were afraid of men and trusted him. I'm praying for you, sister and you did nothing to deserve that
I really admire that you worked with juvenile offenders . That takes a very special kind of person ! ❤️
On The. Tv show " Vampire Diaries" the vampires could switch off their humanity and often the storylines would involve getting them to switch it back on and deal with what they had done "
Yeah, I was three, that could have NEVER been my fault.
I've had people tell me it was _my_ fault for getting in an abusive relationship. It wasn't abusive *AT FIRST* . And yet I've had people blame me. I found out years later that he ended up with multiple felonies doing the same thing he was to me to another woman... and worse. The cop just blew me off and refused to even take a report after he beat me (multiple times) and choked me. They just told me "If you don't like it, move'. It was my house. And they wouldn't do anything until he put me in the hospital or killed me (Cop's words). After that he held a loaded shotgun to my head. The cops were useless. I bet the cop that refused take my report was an abuser himself.
My therapist said "I love you" and "sometimes I wish I could take you away and worship you". He sexually abused me for two years.
It took me a very long time before I realized that I was abused by my ex back then. I remember what happened and how it affected me the following days. I just buried it deep down for years, ignoring it, because I was so afraid of acknowledging that it DID happen, I was afraid of the consequences.
I've been watching all your videos related to sexual abuse and trauma, and I just want to say thank you. Now that I'm single again, I think it's about time to really just process what happened to me all those years ago. Thank you so much.
My mother once said to me after she found out I was sexually assaulted by a kid I was babysitting, "Why would you let this happen?" And I didn't have an answer for her.
I have already watched a few of your videos. I like your casual relatable style. Alan I first got to know you on Cinima Therapy along with your buddy whos name escapes me. I'm already subscribed to that channel. I will subscribe to this one. You sold me because of how you talked about this subject matter. I was sexually abused repeatedly as a child by an uncle. There are many layers to it. You are right about intellectually dealing with it. That's where I'm stuck with it along with other kinds of abuse I have indured.
One of the biggest lies is the woman wore something provocative . I was sexually assaulted when I was homeless and staying at a hostel. I was wearing very unflattering pajamas and a robe and I was in my 40s. The perp was a drunk Northern Irishman who was leaving the country next day. I am embarrassed to make a scene and even if police came the guy was a flight risk. I felt ashamed because post divorce was "making up for lost time" sexually and often wondered if being assaulted was karma for me being laissez faire with my sexuality post divorce.
There are some things you can protect children from in honoring their virtue and innocence, but it gets harder when the Internet has become so accessible. Adults in positions of power have held guardrails on our viewing habits in some cases, but the Dial Up Connection has been replaced by a stronger Cable or WiFi setup. Parents need to be aware of how these devices can addict children to a world that is not reality. I feel like Alice or Neo in The Matrix after taking the Red Pill, just give me the blue pill and put me out of my misery. Funny enough, my middle name Allison is said to be a diminutive of Alice.
I was told it didn’t happen . I imagined it I put someone else’s head to someone else’s body. Gaslighting at its best. I’m still not 💯 ( I am) but not really?
Abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, etc - often happens in families, with people we inherently want to love and trust. Can viewers expect a video on whether a healthy relationship with the abuser is eventually possible?
Once went to therapy with my boyfriend at the time, who I wanted to break up with. I explained how I felt and how I did not feel secure, and wasn't happy with him. when my boyfriend spoke she gave me the homework assignment to watch a movie to describe that i need to work on communication .
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