Kelsey Cook - Homemade Sex Toy - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored - Exclusive
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
- When Kelsey Cook tried masturbating with her mom's manicure tool when she was a teenager, the only thing worse than the physical pain was having to tell her mom about it.
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This Is Not Happening airs Fridays at 12a/11c on Comedy Central.
Follow Kelsey Cook on Twitter: / kelseycook
#ThisIsNotHappening #KelseyCook
In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: th-cam.com/play/PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ.html
@WeWhoChill So.......you watched that first video? Ya, I wouldn't say it needed censoring.....it's just.....hanging?
That line “and now my vaginas gone” killed me haha
me too lmao everything from that point on was pretty great
>> 69 / 3 = 23
If your first instinct when passed a random number is to prime factorize it, you've got my respect.
Name checks out!
Jim Carrey would go mental if he found out you could pull out THE NUMBER 23 from 69.
@@Baleur was typing a similar thing but you beat me to it haha! 23
Baleur
Jim Carey is already mental.
I wish I could like this multiple times
that was way funnier than the audience gave her credit for
I don't know. I think the thing is she relied very much on shock value and storytelling. There weren't many concrete punchlines. It felt to me personally like she was just telling an awkward story not doing a stand up set. And because of that I think it's going to make a more niche group of people laugh as opposed to a more setup/punchline approach which tends to have get more general audiences to laugh. I think the audience was an example of a general audience which is why you heard very specific people finding it very amusing and the rest being unresponsive
sven svenson Right? She was pretty damn funny
She was quite amateur not deserving of this spot I mean the corn dog joke was 5 year old level most of my friend in middle school made smarter jokes than her
@@dylangregory249 she's a talented narrator/ comedian. But I think laughing too hard at someone's misery isn't in everybody. And even if I find it very funny I wouldn't dare laughing too hard in front the camera...and other people. The story was more shocking and disturbing than LOL ROFL funny.
People have a hard time with female comedians
Hands down this is the most painfully awkward stand-up I have ever seen. Gotta give her credit for continuing no matter how bad the audience reaction.
Probably the 30th time she's told it
I mean I know I am spoiled by the likes of Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, Tom Segura, George Carlin, Louis C.K.... but didn't laugh once.
You guys are nuts. She was very funny - more so than most of the female comedians I've seen on youtube.
The audience (and I) aren't interested in this level of (anatomical) detail. Not for general (or any) audiences.
@@philipb1889 No-one wants to know your prudish opinion
I went to high school w/ her! It’s really awesome to see her succeed, she’s really funny too! 😅
Shoulda laid her then your comment would be more funny
@@captaintattertot7547 How?
@@captaintattertot7547 I hate it when someone shares a rare interesting comment that has relevance and then someone just wipes their ass with it.
Did you give her the 69 note?
we genuinely don’t care
She rubbed one out in the doctors office. That's Gangsta
It is only creepy if the woman is ugly or if you are a man. Pretty women have different constitutional rights
Thanks for spoiling the ending lol
Nelson Muntz you do know it's a joke,right?Like none of it didn't happen at all,ever. Ok maybe she did masturbate with some manicure tool and that's probably it.Or what's also very likely is that someone else came up with this joke for her.
Cristian Proust I mean not really. I've beat off at literally every job I've had
+Alex Hennigh You are only proving the point of how disgusting it sounds from a guy
She’s delivering the analogies!
“Drier than a dead man’s mouth.”
“Closed like a bank on a Sunday.”
Classics!
I get what you’re saying but those are similes not analogies
Like Rocky's eye turned sideways!
Two types of crowds:
1. Laughs at everything
2. Is literally unresponsive to everything
This crowd is an example of #2
Yea, it's the crowd's fault....
With this generation its almost like they are holding a "who can hold the blankest stare for the longest amount of time" contest, and everyone's wining. And i'm part of this generation...god we suck!
It was a bit of both. I heard some major outbursts from a couple people
Some people don't really care to fake laugh at stuff they don't seem funny, maybe they're just good listener, don't blame the crowd, if that's not their sense of humor, that isn't their fault.
SomethingCool - Nah bullshit, its not about being real, everyone just wants to try and look cool. For some reason we view being openly joyful as uncool and obnoxious. Its kind of like how the Asian countries act in social settings. We have always been more free than that, but not for long it seems. Some crowds don't laugh because they're terrified of not looking PC, others are trying to act cool, both need to grow up imo.
Best thing in the video is at 1:58 when the asian girl in front laughs hysterically at the math joke
Hahaha!
Hahaha...I caught that too!!!
Yea that was the only time she laughed ffs
Lmfaoooooo bruhhh I'm dead
@@vincevegas8529 are you married to a rug?
Probably top 5 most enjoyable comedy shows I’ve seen on this channel.. sadly the audiences was dead but she killed it !
Was also thinking could have tons of different bacteria that live under fingernails
I think she's scared!!
She maybe killed her career, but that’s about it, chicks not funny, like most female comedians
Maybe she doesn't have a latex allergy but the manicure tool had acetone on it or other dried up chemicals/ residue on it which I can imagine would cause intense reaction
or maybe she got a STD from her mother using that thing.
Or maybe the dryness and use of rubber severely irritated her body, the friction can be quite painful, I'd imagine
Probably shoulda washed it off 1st...
Put some spit on it!
Clint E shut up Clint.
Haha the rocky's eye bit was great.
joseph scarborough snarfed ma coffee
I've never seen a stand up comedian stun and scare an audience to silence like this before 🤣
Because this isn't "comedy" material. Its the kind of thing (if you must) you share with girlfriends-not audiences.
@@leonardodalongisland 😂😂😂
literally anything can be comedy material...did you really just throw the entire genre in a neat little box? lolz @leonardo
That dude in the plaid behind her is waaaaay too into this story lmao. He has the look of someone trying to figure out the christmas lights
She took me out with DRY AS A DEAD MAN’S MOUTH 😂
Rocky's eye turned sideways. 😂😂
Omg it’s like Amy Schumer except funny and hot
(A summary of the comment section)
J C no it's not.... Not one joke was stolen....
OHHHHH
So not at all like Amy Schumer?
So... it’s the opposite of amy schumer?
Secret Amy lover. Just admit it.
"rocky"s eye turned sideway" okay lmao, that was a great one
The audience didn't give enough credit. I couldn't stop laughing
Wow she deserved WAY more laughs, this was hilarious
"old hairy bush, the worst magician ever" hahaha. And OMG the doctor at the end. wtf not asking first
most guys sitting behind here in the audience seems so uncomfortable. Especially the ones in the first row.
Sharayu Yeole Well it's because they don't want to get caught checking out her ass from the other side of the crowd
@@alexhennigh5242 hahahahaha
That's what I was thinking!
Because she's so cringy
yeah that dude with the black and white shirt has the constant "the fuck did you just say to me?!" face
She was GREAT! I can't believe the audience wasn't howling!??? She needs a better audience for her stuff. Seriously, she was GREAT!
Her delivery was flawless. I didn't stop laughing the whole time....omfg lol
That was a dead crowd, you deserved more claps.
@@powderedtoastfacekillah734 Stfu, no one asked for your trash opinion. 👍
@@powderedtoastfacekillah734 yeah you're telling me.
@@powderedtoastfacekillah734 k
On tha ...cheeks??
@@maktar5135 ?
1:54 Asian girl clapped at the math joke lmfao
Jimmy Jones Good observation!
Lol
Right! 😂
Made her night !!
And if you look close enough you will see a black man swimming towards you
“My vagina looked like Rockys eye sideways” that’s great.
Keep your eyes on the asian lady with the glasses on the right, her reactions are hilarious hehehehe
The Mad Modder Right!
Thank you.
Wow I feel so bad for her you can see she’s looking for a reaction from the crowd and is getting nothing. She’s way funnier then the crowd is representing
It's not a BAGEL???
The crowd became awfully quiet when she mentioned, "the Lord's work."
She's funny.
I thought she was funny the people were dead as hell though
They usually are dead it seems
half of them are probably too hard to laugh
Now imagine Joey Diaz as a woman retelling the same story but with his flow and expression..
I was quiet but mainly cause I wanted to hear how the story ended
David Daimary , "so DAWG, DAWG, I got dis thing up muh coochie, and I'm thinkin', WUT DA F**K DIS ITCH?"
She funny as hell this audience slow as molasses
🤣🤣🤣🤣
@SuperBased LOL this is funny as well to but each is own
I connect with this on a disturbing level 😂
Emmie Moore Sounds like you’ve got a funny story to tell.!!!
Remember that the further away you get from those years the funnier the situation gets Cause everyone else can relate!!!
So entertain us with it. Get enough thumbs up an you just found a new side gig working in comedy
Me too! But a hairbrush handle isntead of a nail thing😱
So.... How was the manicure tool?
@@yamigurl822 😳
this series NEEDS to continue!
Love how the doctor pretended to not really know how it happened... that was very kind of him.
You had me at "Rocky's eye turned sideways."
That must've been the most suspenseful bean flicking in a doctor's office there ever was
I thought he was gonna walk in. That would have been over the top. Should have closed with that even if not true.
boldbileg You know she was hoping he would come in accidentally then just finish her off.
That was, after all, like 90% of a gynecologist's practice when they 1st started out.👆🖕👇✌🖖👈🤘👍✊👋👄💦
Lmao I was cracking up and they were barely laughing 😆 she’s funny!
"I threw it away and instantly got in the shower to wash the shame away" and that shower is still going on to this day! So damn funny and uncomfortable love it
THE GUY IN BLUE OMFG IM DYING 😆 HE FEELS SO AWKWARD 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
"I'm just riddled with disease."
Dead.
She was great, the crowd was kind of shit this time...
maybe they just didn't buy the whole "yes i'm a hot chick but ofc i was totally awkward and nobody wanted to fuck me"-shtick?
Yeah, I agree
Well as usual most women in general aren't funny. Not trying to be sexist but that's pretty much a fact.
Well just because she's good looking now doesn't mean she was back then.
She wasn’t that funny /:
"Something about Amy Schumer" - Imagine making a TH-cam comment about how all female comedians seem the same, while simultaneously saying the same thing as 14 other people.
I'm on the same page as the dude behind her in the black and white plaid.
Orlando Trustfull Hahahaha did you realize that too bruh
because in their heads for some reason all these blonde, long haired comedians that talks something talks something tangentially related to their vaginas are amy schumer. probably that's why they can't get girlfriends in real life too and are sexually frustrated to the point they need to take their frustration out online as sad, sad little trolls. oh poor little boys.
I think Cartman had the wisest words about females and comedy.
Orlando Trustfull difference is we aren't comedians promoted by comedy central sucker
This crowd had zero fucking pulse! She was funny as hell.
Corn dogs a safety hazard🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂😂 Kelsey is one of.the best comedian on stage and or otherwise the first part of this show was even more shocking in a funny way and it was hilarious
So funny how this is one of those embarrassing stories that you take to the grave but she told it in front of the world
The audience was dead...
Carly Paradis I was thinking the same. Not gonna say it was the funniest shit ever, but she was better than the crowd's reaction I thought.
Yes totally!
They were all just sensitive and uptight, guys don't wanna laugh at the hot chick saying pussy in front of their girl friends. Ironically making the guy the pussy..
Seriously tough crowd. The stuck-up LA types were in full effect that night.
Carly Paradis The story was interesting I suppose. But, was not funny. The only funny things were her mom's response. The balloon animal joke the doctor told and the " looked like Rockies' eye sideways" and even those were mediocre.
Why’s everyone saying the crowd was dead they were literally laughing the entire time
her eye makeup is incredible
Love Kelsey Cook! I'd like to see her stand up live :)
Saw her w/ Norton a few months back.
Sir James W. V. Savile, OBE same here. Saw her with lil jimmy and she did great considering the crowd was full of drunk Opie and Anthony fans.
Jake Shattuck: Word!
I'd rather to see her lay down live... In person. On my bed 🛌. Using her Rx prescription. 👍✌💦
@@CaptanF0rever Same.....saw them together in Red Bank, NJ - they were great together
She must have had rick as her hormone monster
"What are ya gonna do?"
Even though the audience didn't laugh at her initial punchlines I like how she roles with it and makes it even funnier, getting them to laugh finally I dunno what was up with them
Probably most of em can relate, thusly didn't laugh.
Personally i fount this funny.
"Tragedy + time = comedy"
What’s up with them is they knew she wasn’t that funny
“Rocky’s eye turned sideways” - too funny.
My best friend got caught by her man using a muscle massager with a sock on it🤣🤣🤣 I bout died laughing when she told me that story🤣🤣❤️
she is a great story teller!
Okay….”Dryer than a dead mans mouth” got me to laugh so hard I spit out my drink. Great set.
She took "anything's a dildo if you're brave enough" too seriously
This had to be so HARD to tell her mother.. so awkward I feel bad for her 🤣 and that’s something her mom probably won’t forget.
I love the slow nod of acknowledgment from the guy left of center at 4:09
"Hmm yes, the old "foot up on the tub" position, I know it well."
The whimpering Pig broke my heart :(
That was the intro.... Did you see the stand up?
@@fourleafcloveer5011 Yes
@@kathleent6150 cool, just making sure, just didn't want you to lose sleep over CGI.
@@fourleafcloveer5011 lol, thanks
The two women to her left were having the BEST reactions, they were hands down telling the whole story lol
Shes great.
Yoooo that Pig beginning is by faaaar the best one!!!😂😂😂😂that's so fucked up but hilarious!!!
pencils, ...me ...lots of pencils thrown away...... when i was young LOL
Roxy Gyo :))) let's talk on whatsapp...
I like that women can talk about their sexuality. Took courage.
I wish female comedians would talk about something else for a change.
10 years of doing the Lord's work. I'm dead.
That took some serious balls to say in front of a bunch of random people
This might be the top 5 of this is not happening that I've seen
"Dry as a dead man's mouth" im dead💀😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor : What happens when you come into contact with latex?
Kelsey : You ever watch Dog the Bounty Hunter...
I can't tell what I enjoyed more: The two uncomfortable Asian ladies in the crowd, or the smashed Latina lady a couple seats to the left.
She is brave
Getting on stage with no talent takes courage.
dafuq you talking about?
teaCupkk Okay that's your opinion but I think it's inarguably brave to rub one out at a doctor's office
At the part where she describes what she saw in the mirror, the look on the face of the woman behind her all the way to the camera's right got me
All Asian's love a good math joke. 1:59
lol i was looking for a comment on that one:P didnt take long:P
My wife is asian. She had the same reaction. 🤨
Your profile picture is how I feel when I take drop acid and smoke a blunt to my face
Weird crowd, but that was the funniest, craziest stand-up I've heard in a long time XD So many emotions listening to this story: LOVED IT!!!!!!!
Why are her pants higher than an 89 year old war veteran?!
Why would an 89 year old veteran be high? They’re not known for being heavy illicit drug users...I think you meant to phrase that differently 🤷♂️🤦♂️
@@CloudyShinobi right?
Excellent material.
Her metaphors are on point.
Watching women do standup is always so tense.. You are hoping they stay on topic and manage to be funny... This was not tense, this was chill and funny all the way through! Well Played!
did we just watch the same video! what!
This deserved way more laughs, v funny
the akwardness in the crowd is great
1:58 That Asian girl loved that math joke LMAO
The corn dog safety hazard joke had me in stitches
For what it was she was pretty damn good. Not a seasoned stand up comedian or anything but she did a good job and had me laughing at least a lil bit all the way through
Wow, that was equal parts awkward and utterly hilarious
The material is gold, the audience is scared to laugh.
The Asian lady near the blue t-shirt guy , behind the comedian her reactions are gold.
And every guy is thinking, "If she wants to learn, I'll help you."
Learn what?
@@missundies I think it's a pick-up line.
@@jackpadz6079 oh, lol, well I don't get those very often, could be because I spend most of my time at home with video games, cats and my pup. Could be something else 😂 Thanks for telling me though.
@@missundies That's alright.
I was just being a smartass.
I think I need to socialize more...
I love that the exchange between you two ended so cordially lol
Last time I came this early, my girlfriend dumped me
Last time I came this earlier I loosened my grip✊💭
so never. anyone writing a comment has nvr had a gf
Zeke ...Bahahhahaha x'DDD
when he says girlfriend he means hooker, and when he says dumped me he means stole my money.
LastbutNotFirst true hahaha **fake laugh, hiding real pain**
Why I everyone commenting on the audience not laughing? I can hear them cracking up after every joke.
They use laugh tracks
too funny. . . . giver her everyone paychecks I CANT STOP LAUGHING
That intro was so fked up! Poor Piglet. 😂😂😂
The look on people's faces when she said "swollen shut" was hilarious!
Infinitely funnier than the crowd gave her credit for. Did they suck that much or did the editors just cut out the laughs?
Sounds like the first doctor just misdiagnosed the latex allergy.
The Chinese women in the background: wtf is going on?
The guy nodding at 12:19 like he's learning things
She was dope af idk why the crowd was so dead lol
If she wasn't so hot would you think it was funny? Honest question that I'm asking myself