My son is 30 now. He was a good kid when he was little. No huge issues. Always gave big hugs, always reinforced positive behavior. Best of success Adrian.
Raised two girls and 1 boy on my own. Oldest is 23, youngest 15 and on the Autism spectrum. No secret sauce here. Boundaries, consistency, lots of patience and love. They are all unique. Cultivate that. Teach them to respect themselves and each other…be the example. Be present…
You're 62?!?!?! Good gracious, my fanfic about you being an actual immortal, hiding in plain view seems more realistic than ever! What fantastic genes.
I had one daughter. She’s 20. My wife is 39. I’m 41. Found out that I was going to be a father two weeks after me and my wife moved into our new place in early part of 2001. The news of the pregnancy was unexpected. I wasn’t married at the time, though my fiancé and I were steady for ten months. Having a child didn’t come with an instruction manual. In many ways, I grew up fast when assuming the responsibilities of becoming a parent. Since we had only the one daughter, she spent the greater part of her time around other adults. Rarely did my daughter socialize with children her age, until preschool. And even then, there was this existential disconnection between my daughter and other children her age. Having gone this route, we raised our daughter like an adult. That’s not to say she didn’t have a childhood, but that our interactions with her was really based on the way we behaved around our own surroundings. In many ways, my daughter adapted accordingly. Having done this, my daughter became precocious from the onset. Having been surrounded by books, my daughter took a strong interest in reading since both her parents were readers also. The upside to this raising your child like an adult, involves them figuring out the world at an exceptionally young age. They become goal orientated, having a purpose to succeed in the scholastic life. The downside to it, is that children harbor secrets that they’re not willing to share as they become teenagers. As my daughter was raised to have an independent understanding concerning the everyday issues of life, the emotional ones that she locked up kept her mother and myself in the dark concerning her struggle. As a parent, we tend to get blindsided by these hidden issues, because we think that on the surface everything is on the up and up. And when problems arose later on, especially during the adolescent stage, from my daughter’s end-the psychological burdens of fulfilling excessive demanding goals and responsibilities didn’t come with a shut off valve. And from my own end, I was having to adapt to situations that I was unaware on how to deal with at the beginning. I think in many ways that the consequences of my daughter being the only child and me and my wife being the parents of one kid, became a mitigating factor. Eventually, my daughter overcame these challenging obstacles. Currently, she is studying psychology at the University of Maryland. I suppose that what was working against the grain for my daughter as a teenager, became something well worth within her favor in her 20’s. Everyone’s situation is different when it comes to raising children. From what I learned, is that children must be raised with a balance in life. One extreme over the other throws things out of whack, so avoiding that pitfall is wise. Showing children that there are middle grounds provides that balance, along with a loving heart that is more eager to understand than judging pre-conditionally is also a huge help. Acquiring wisdom is a two folded process, both against the backdrop as an ever-growing parent and perceiving the actions by which your children take by the values they’re given. Regardless if your child is two or twenty, you’re always going to learn from them while simultaneously, seeing them learn from you. Wisdom and understanding has a way of being an interface between parents and children as we get older. Those are my experiences…
We had my daughter at 30, my son at 42. We tried again and again. My daughter is now 31 and my son is 19. I am lucky that I had my daughter first. She taught me to have patience. I think my son is lucky I was older, and calmed down a little, before I had my son. But both were easy kids. I think the big guy knew that I wouldn’t put up with a lot.
Adrian I personally never had kids but I helped a friend of mine who had seven kids 2 were twins and with them. I set up a system where they had a 3 strike policy were they had do everything they we're told to do for a month and if they didn't get 3 strikes at the end of the month they could pick a DVD of there choice and I pay for it. When it came to cleaning their rooms I would have clean in there rooms then they have to come get me and sit on their bed's while I inspected it the one's do what I asked I dismissed from the room the other's would have to continue cleaning until they met me level of clean and when they thought they were done they would have to come get me again and again sit on their bed's until I dismissed them. This worked really well for them because it helped with responsibilities and respect for one another and there parents. There was one time I remember where we were waiting to go to dinner event and I gave one of the twins there 3 strike, but just shortly before we left he asked to speak with me with his parents present and began to apologize for his behavior and tell us that something really bad happened at school that day which added to him acting out and said to him if you don't talk to me or your parents about this stuff how we supposed to help you and that you handled the situation the wrong way and he still would not receive a DVD at the end of the month because I felt he hadn't earned it but that he apologize which I know for him was really hard. I would take away one of the strikes so he could go with us . I was really proud he took responsibilities for his actions and realized he should of handled it differently. That the kids felt comfortable enough to come to me and talk openly and there parents were comfortable enough to give parental authority even when they were there allowed the 3 of us to accomplish a lot with them and I am proud of that. I don't get to see them anymore because we live in different states now me in Illinois and her in Seattle. I miss that connection but I made such an impression on her kids that when I had her number and called the kid's always wanted to get on the phone to talk to me and tell everything that was going on with them good and bad and say they missed me and I feel the same way. Best wishes to you and your family Adrian
I raised one girl.i learned to avoid comparing her with other kids. What works for them may not work for us. That doesn't mean one way is better, it means kids are unique in their own way. Example: preschool teacher didn't think my girl was learning as well as others, yet by high school she was excelling, and she graduated with honors and distinction.
Totally agree. Patience is very important. Also a lot of parents seem to forget what it was like to be a kid. I don't and try to remember back to that too.
I have one child he’s now 23 and I was very blessed because he was a great child and now as an adult. He’s a pretty easy-going young man full of energy.
I'm not a parent, but as a godmother, I watch with great interest how my heart-children are being raised. And I watch my friends raising their kids. And I've realized that while every child is very different, the way in which parents interact with their kids, how they speak with them, the amount of intentionality behind words and actions has a huge effect on kids. When parents send conflicting messages, kids will try to push boundaries. I've noticed the amount of screen time that kids get also makes a difference in their ability to receive/accept messages from parents. Calm kids often have calm parents. Anxious parents produce anxious kids. I am 40 and have SO much respect for my parent friends. It's HARD because to do it well, creating that balance of discipline, freedom, fun, you've always got to be on your A game. I think older parents have a lot more self-awareness, but can also be far more out of touch of what is happening in their world. It's so different from when we were kids. We weren't bombarded with this much marketing, propaganda, political messaging. It was always there, but the sheer quantity of it was much less. On the down side, a lot of our upbringing was such that we, as kids, were not the center of the universe. Perhaps we grew up less self-centered, more community oriented. As an employer, I struggle with much younger colleagues. They are sure smarter than me, but they need to be affirmed every five minutes. I think that is because we've raised a generation of children where everyone is given a prize so they don't feel left out. If you win no matter what, there is no real drive to strive for perfection. Maybe it's that work ethic that we've lost....
I never had children, but my dad was born at the turn of the century and was in his mid-fifties when I was born. He was the youngest of five boys and the only one born in the twentieth century. Their father, my paternal grandfather, was born in 1862, so the Victorian period did play a certain role in my own rearing. At the end of the day, though, I wouldn't trade my father for any other. He was not in the best of health so I didn't have him as long as your children will have you, but I wouldn't trade memories of my dad for anything.
Yeah I grew up getting smacked by my dad, didn't help me any, I was just scared of him. I took a different approach with my kids who are now 39 and 30. I used consequences with them and they both are great adults, but I did yell at them sometimes and I regret that now. I was a pretty opened minded granny but still would scold them for disrespectful behavior. But now I'm a great granny and I have absolutely turned into the definition of gentle parenting with them, which I scoffed at at one time. However I was wrong, it seems to deflate tantrum when I just talk to them and try to understand why they are acting the way they are. So even us oldies can learn new tricks.
Man Adrian I also started a little older. I had my first daughter 4 years ago at 34 and right now I’m 38 and waiting for two twin girls in a couple of months. I think some of the challenges that I look at for me is just have the energy levels to play dad. But I think I had kids at a real sweet spot. Typically if you start having kids when you’re in your early to even mid-20s you have more energy to play dad, but you lack the life experience and the wisdom and the patience that you do when you’re a older. So there’s trade offs.
My three kids are all adults now. I have one son and two daughters. All of them are different... my son is different... an engineer with a highly logical and highly emotion mind (at the same time)... he has always been the genius, but required his own set of rules for raising. My daughters are also different from each other and their brother, though they are highly intelligent, as well. The first daughter (now recently married) is loud and social while the baby girl (at university) is more quiet, less social, but a jokester (and also a writer). We always gave them a standard for living and morality that is the same for them all, but we dealt with them differently based upon how they dealt with feedback. Based upon personalities, the son required more direct reasons for discipline, the first daughter needed to feel she was supported and the youngest daughter needed to feel affection. It's about giving them what they need to learn and grow, not a cookie cutter set of rules and discipline meant to work for a select group of people.
I really enjoyed hearing your insight on raising children! You are so down to earth and sincere! I haven't run across many people as honest and sincere as you seem to be! Specially you being an actor, you could be very arrogant, and full of crap, but your not, you are real! I think you are a very nice, honest, and down to earth person! You are awesome! ❤
Thank you for everything you do. I was a huge fan of Highlander and it is nice to see Adrian Paul (instead of Duncan) giving his thoughts on fatherhood. As a father of two I know how challenging parenting is, and remember, if kids knew everything they would not need us : )
Yes both my now adult sons have totally different personalities. They were ALWAYS trying to outsmart me very early on. So I constantly had to come up with different ways of dealing with them as a single parent. Sometimes I actually had to get physical on them as a last resort. Yeah catholic schools had corporate punishment back then and sometimes it was humiliating and in front of the whole class and as a new student I was made the scapegoat once. Also doing my sons teenage years I had to relearn how to pray and return to the Word because it was very challenging. They wanted NO RULES like some of the friends. However they're happy and successful these days 😊
I’m a late father too, I got married December 5th 2011, and had my firstborn October 15th 2014, and my 2nd born February 15th 2018 at 39 years old. I have 2 red headed little girls, and they tire me out a lot, being in shape is a big deal in fatherhood. I wanted a son, but if I was giving the choice to have sons instead, I would turn it down without hesitation. I’m very happy I have my 2 daughters, everything about how I think, and see the world, changed in so many ways I’m still noticing even now, and the way we raise our kids has definitely evolved. I never hit my kids. I use patience, redirecting, and try to understand as best as I can, I love my wife and kids so much, I wouldn’t hesitate to defend them with my life.
A lovely video and an honest commentary. I too grew up in a British boarding school in North India and boy we got whacked with everything by the teachers, prefects and peers. Geez. It was the norm. Hockey stick on the bum if you were late for assembly and other innovative punishments. Did it help? Not sure. But I wouldn’t do it now. As a first time father to my now 2 year old girl it’s new learning every other day and I am very grateful for the chance to be her father. One thing I am learning though is the little ones sure are listening and learning from us elders how we treat each other. It’s not only important how we behave with her as parents but how we behave with each other too. Cheers Adrian. You’re an inspirational artist and even more so as a human being.
I did not have children. But my paternal grandfather was born in 1885. My grandmother in 1892. He fought in WWI . When my father was born, my grandfather was 52 and my grandmother was 45. I got to spend my childhood among 19th century people. Older parents bring a maturity and experience that young parents don't have. And that can be a plus for both the children and the patents.
Some suggestions are to not be authoritarian, but also don't forget that the parents have the authority and will sometimes have to be stern. Explaining is good, but don't negotiate when it comes to behavior. Don't allow double standards for behavior either in public or within the family, because that sends all of the children a terrible message. Children do have different personalities, which gets really interesting, and even the sweetest child will sometimes complain or get angry about the boundaries their parents set, but they need to know what the boundaries are and that they're stable, otherwise they'll feel lost at sea (even if they don't realize it). It's going to be an adventure, and all the best to you! :D (By the way, I remember that video you posted a while ago about when your little son was crying and not sleeping, and you discovered the trick of distracting him with something that would make him laugh until he fell asleep -- that was brilliant! I hope that idea helped a lot of parents.)
I had to be both mom and dad, it wasn't easy, raised a gifted boy and an autistic girl, they are older now, but my daughter is the one who gave me the gift of patience, and I read alot, so I could help them both thrive, they both went to college, and my son works for himself, and my daughter still lives with me because she struggles with the outside world. She had her fill working retail, and found out people are pretty mean to retail workers, then the pandemic hit, I told her to go ahead and quit, when people were spitting in the store she worked at. Life is never easy and girls and boys require your patience. Be honest, don't be too quick to anger and forgive, forgive, forgive.
Well there is no text book way of doing things raising kids especially but, u just do the best you can. You be a protector, you be patient and understanding.
I'm working on having children soon. I'm very patient. Every personality is different and unique. I look forward to getting to know my children, learning what works for them, how to help them, what each of them needs in terms of how they can learn better etc. I'm ready to ground them if they misbehave or act like a bully. I will take everything away. I see parents who let their kids run wild and do whatever they want and it's so bad for the children. They don't learn anything from that. They will go through life assuming they can't get away with everything and at the same time, have everything handed to them. I hope my future children will grow up to be empathetic, kind hearted adults. Loving animals, being loving to others, helping others etc. You have a beautiful family and you're youngest is so cute! Looks just like you too!
Oh you mean like the adults we see whining about wearing a mask to do shopping? Your comment reminded me of a time I was at a restaurant with my two sons. An older couple stopped by my table to compliment on how well behaved my kids were compared to others running around and harassing the customers. One parent asked me, "how do you get them to behave so well?" Even at my young age, I learned that kids will be kids and they are energetic. So I had a practice of taking my kids out to a park, gokarting or do some other type of physical activity prior to going to some place where they need to sit still. This way they were both tired and hungry! So I never needed to discipline them. I also learned the threatening "I will kill you" look before shopping to let them know that acting out in the store to get what they want was a death sentence. I never needed to discipline them, the threat alone worked :).
@@magsbayou That is so smart! Letting them "run out of fuel" before going somewhere where ppl will be rude and act like jerks. The mom face never fails. My mom used to do that lol. I hope I develop a good "Thats it!" face 😂
I'm pregnant, at 39 (I will give birth in fews days 😋) and I had my first daughter when I was 27 (so, 12 years ago!). So your video talks to me a lot 😊 Thank you. Lulu
Adrian, you seem to be a very present father. I also feel that I am, I think this is so missed today with children. Also, parents need to give themselves lots of grace. Lots and lots of it.
I was in my 40’s when I had my first child. Now I have three. Could not have done it in my 20’s or 30’s. Would not have had the patience. Still think mines limited but being older has kept me calmer when they do misbehave. Always learning as a parent.
Thank you and Adrian for sharing. I'm in my 40's now and want to have a child. As a 3rd generation only child I feel discouraged at times but stories like this help me to feel hope.
I raised my son with consistency, being present in his life, limiting gaming time and knowing who his friends were. All his friends came to my home and the parents were of course welcome to come as well. I taught him to tell me the truth whether good or bad but it had to be the truth so I could handle what may have come and to be respectful to others. He had to go outside and be active and get sweaty and dirty, skateboarding, football, track, climbing trees and especially swordsmanship. He is now 31, owns his own cryptography company and is an excellent swordsman as well as martial arts. I always encouraged him to be himself and to be a good responsible human. Patience comes easier when you try to see things and situations through their eyes...
I have two a boy and girl both married and ten years later had my youngest who is autistic I was a geriatric mom at 37. Patience is the key and love make sure you tell them often you love accept and are proud of each one! You got this Adrian.
I must have missed this one back then. I'm hoping to start down this path as well. Just turned 40 so it's late, but I think it will be great. Definitely looking forward to learning.
I became a father late as well. I adopted both my kids. Son when he was 12 and his sister when she was 4. They are 25 and 16 now. And for me boys are easier then girls.
God bless you and your family Adrian! Incidentally, we all had a little smack with a slipper now and then. Everyone in their senses I know, had it too. Every mentally unstable person, I've come about in my life, happened to be either severely abused or left totally out of control. I guess that both far ends of parental treatment, tend to cause harm (severe abuse, apparently so). It's after all, what Cleobulus of Lindos said over two and a half millennia ago; "ΜΕΤΡΟΝ ΑΡΙΣΤΟΝ" (METRON ARISTON), literally. "Moderation is the best thing."
I am also a Catholic school survivor. I have 3 very different adult children. Ages 29, 25 and 20. Two boys and a girl. I am very proud of all 3 of them. I always remember they are more than just my child they are individual people. I always spoke with them not at them, and still do. No subjects were ever off limits. That made the dinner table an interesting place in our household! What area of Mexico are you in? I am a travel advisor. My husband and I also have a TH-cam travel channel. We love Mexico. We did 3 group trips to Mexico during the pandemic since it was open for travel. Enjoy your travels and every moment with your family.
Great video, Adrian! As a girl dad, I’ve found that it’s challenged me more to think of how she might see the world. Patience is so needed, I’ll sometimes “tag” my wife in when I run out of it. Alas, more patience will be needed as she grows older. Also-thanks for the thoughts around how each child is not a on size fits all-they’re all different and they do change. Thank you for the insight!!
I used every method. I gave them whacks, when needed. Took things away, when needed. Made them do work, when needed. Embarrassed them, when needed. I didn't let them get used to any one punishment. I didn't want the punishments becoming ineffective. By varying the punishments, they never knew what would happen, if they did something they knew was wrong. Making their risk/cost analysis impossible.
I started at 42. The patient's thing is very challenging. Spankings taking away things timeouts all the above are part of the routine and the daily struggle. She is a wonderful little girl but also very strong-willed and trying to balance all that in the personality is hard. So I'm with you. It's especially difficult on the young ones living in a world like we do today it's not the same world we were in when we were kids.
Patience and kindness are much better than fear and physical beatings... It makes the child defiant and angry at the parent....Love and understanding should not mean hurting your child physically..... You do seem like a present loving Dad......
We have 4 daughter’s, ages now are 41, 40, 30, 25. We’ve been married 42 years! Each child is totally different! Girls are so difficult in the teen years. When we had our last child, there was a 16 & 15 yr age gap between the 2 oldest! That’s been a challenge through the years. When choosing to argue/reprimand etc you have to pick your battle. They need to be held accountable for there actions and they need consequences. Eventually, the older kids will become jealous of the youngest sibling. As you have kids later in life, your more settled, learned a lot of life lessons, way more calm! We always hear, “if we did that, you would’ve done this”. On the flip side, Karma is a b****. I can’t wait for the day when their children hit the teen years😂😜🤣. I always said to my girls while they were growing up, I’m your mom, not your friend. My job is to teach you to be the best you can be, become a responsible citizen, get an education etc….. I’ll always be your mom, when you move out and are on your own is when I can become a friend.
Children these days, even teenagers, are so addicted to the computer games and their online friends. We as parents have to understand that this is the new norm. When it comes to correcting our children we have to be calm and rationalize with them as intelligent beings. We have to show them respect and earn their trust. It's not like when I was a kid when I feared my Father. Those days are long gone! I have found that speaking rationally with my son's has opened the door to honest communication between my sons and I. They have no fear in telling me anything and they respect me for the way we communicate.
I am late to this conversation, but as a Behavior Analyst I can assure you that the scientific literature supports not physically punishing children. Always reward when possible. Even other forms of punishment must be carefully considered. Their is a great book by the behaviorist Murray Sidman titled Coercion and its Fallout that goes into the research on punishment and it is pretty eye-opening.
My girls are 2 1/2 yrs apart. The challenge was more when they were little. As they got into school things got easier. I feel lucky I didn’t struggle very much. Now as young adults they take care of each other.
I think it important to follow through with the consequence or they will learn they can get over on you. Or in life. Life might not always be as forgiving as mom and pop.
I helped raise my two oldest nephew's in the beginning, no girls, but you are right, as every child is unique. Gotta deal with them in different manners and so on, can't approach them in a repeated process. As for behavior, if they acted bad in a store, I'd just take them out to the car and let them cry it out...lol. Eventually they got the idea, giving them time-outs as well. I felt like it came across better, as well as explaining why, I saw no benefit in spanking them. Of course some people will disagree, but as it's said, always gotta approach it differently.
"The nuns were messing me up so I had to learn martial arts and sword fighting!" haha! Thank you I needed a good laugh! All jokes aside. "All kids are different" means you are speaking from a voice of maturity which is one benefit of being an older parent. I must applaud you on being an exemplary example of being older and fit. This means you can still be there, physically, for your kids. When we have kids when we are still kids ourselves (in my case) we have not developed a maturity to learn how to manage a kid based on personality. I agree, my two sons were very different. One was quite mischievous and the other, the younger one, was a grumpy old man. Back to the jokes...did they make you go outside to find a switch so they can beat you with it? How messed up was that!? I got dropped kicked a number of times during my childhood :).
My firstborn is a girl she was easy until the teenager. My second born is a boy my son tested me the day he was born and many more days after that, found out later he was autistic you have a whole new level on how to handle them and he has been a tough one.
My wife was the bad cop and I was the good😄 It wasnt about gaining favor or points with our three kids,it was more of a balance. They could always communicate better with me than her so I wanted that option for them. As Adrian said I also got my ass disciplined whenever I desrved it and I think that's what's missing with this generation. Discipline is not physical abuse. And,yeah, I raised my girls differently than my son. I think that's just natural nurture. PEACE
All true, although in reference to the sadly time-honored tradition of smacking kids--on the bottom or elsewhere--in response to bad behavior, I am totally against it and I think at this point psychiatry has established that any kind of physical trauma visited upon children damages their minds and sets them up for problems later in life. Which is why I am so grateful for the discovery of the relatively new technique of 'time outs.' I watched my siblings use this when my young nieces and nephews were throwing a fit, removing a child from the company and putting them in another room, and it is *incredible* how powerful it is. The children will do anything to be allowed to return to the company, like stopping with the crying and yelling and becoming instantly well-behaved. So, without the child having to be hit, which teaches the child nothing anyway, and just inflicts trauma, the use of time outs in conjunction with the parent talking to the child and explaining why they have to get a time out when start behaving uncontrollably, is the ticket, in my book.
I am 60 years old and have 6 children oldest is 34 youngest is 8 the older I've gotten the more patience I have, and of course the older ones think I spoil the youngest. LOL
I was the kid that let the other kid do the trouble making. So when I saw whatever the consequence was for the kid or sibling that got in trouble I knew don't do that.
My kid was okay. I raised my son on my own since he was 2 years old, he's almost 20 but as a kid I did spank I know it's frowned upon but Im a true believer that if I have to say no more than 3 times I give a couple of pats on the bum and time out. I couldn't afford many things so as long as kept him clean and fed and warm I knew was okay I never bought him electronics while he was growing up and the first time he got a computer was in highschool. I taught him to drive at 18 and he got a license at 19. He still lives with me so I do tell him if he doesn't respect the rules of the road I will take his licence away so far we've been good knock on wood.
I have two girls, 17 and 20. Both different. I read a story of an American family living in Scandinavia with a young child in the school system there. They had a police officer and social worker show up at their home because of the violence in their home that was manifesting as aggressive behavior in school. The school felt that as the American parents used corporal punishment at home they needed more tools in their toolbox, which is why they sent a social worker to work with them. The USA is a country that has not made corporal punishment illegal which has prevented the USA from signing onto a United Nations document for the protection of children. I have wondered how we need to raise our children so eventually war can be eliminated. Children will carry forward what they experience. And if their parents physically hurt them and subdue them and overpower them to get their way, how will we ever have peace?
Two boys. Some spankings very young but switched to pushups. Both are basically for tantrums. Both served the purpose of snapping them out of it. Pushups led to a good thing (my oldest, 8, is in his second of three black belt test in tae kwon do).
I had three daughters when I was young, before I was 21. I was a grdmother at 37. Then we had three grdsons then finely a grddaughter. Luckily I was able to take care of my grdkids till they started to school. It would have to be something really bad for them to get a spanking, when I was young after my parents divorced my sister and I went to live with my grandparents that grdmother didn’t like me at all I looked like my dad so I got beaten everyday, with what ever was handy, dog chain, 2x4 … by the time I was eight I had gotten used to it. She’d beat me and I wouldn’t even cry, I’d say is that all you’ve got, you can’t hit any harder than that which that would usually make it worse so my smart elicit mouth would just get me in more trouble. I was strict with my daughters and taught them to be responsible and hard working. Like you said all kids are so different some you have to be more patient with.
my mom popped me upside the head. when my dad would come home they would fight like cats and dogs and my mom would not spank me without my dad's permission. i was the first born and only female, and a alpha lol.
def girls different to boys, ya right patience but it's really raising and parenting your self at those ages and your inner child and making a new path and healthier and more meaningful one.
I have mixed feelings about discipline methods and their effectiveness. I had a few mild swats on the bottom as a child, but I wanted my mother to be pleased with me. I most certainly did not want to look like a fool in public, so that was never an issue. My son was nothing like me. I am sure that without the real threat of wood meets butt he would have been impossible before age 10. It was still no picnic, lol. There are good reasons why he is an only child.
I still having problems of tolerating time that we r in now. All changing so fast and it is hard to process kids preferences and style within nowadays. I feel we r not the same and feelings not unique. Digital cane or strap Card is the solution) Maybe it is me loosing the connection of reality 3D, but this word Tolerance really on my nerve list)
I still think spanking is the way to go. But you don’t ever hit them in anger. Like any discipline, everyone needs time to decompress. I don’t think boys should be treated differently than girls. I do think extroverts and introverts should be disciplined differently. Taking away friend time doesn’t hurt an introvert like an extrovert. It just teaches an introvert how to manipulate by pretending they are languishing without social interaction. I’m an introvert that was incredibly prone to mischief. My school tried the separation punishment, stand facing the wall during recess, or eat at the detention table. That wasn’t punishment, it was a vacation. If my parents didn’t use a strap for spanking, I never would have learned empathy, consequences or decency. Spanking gets a bad reputation because people misuse it or don’t apply it properly. I reiterate that children should never be struck in anger. Which the Catholic Church was (is) notorious for doing. Consider yourself lucky, Mr. Paul, for escaping them intact. I’ve worked with an orthopedic surgeon who had no feeling in three of his fingers on his left hand. Nuns beat his left hand until he had permanent nerve damage because he is left handed. I personally would never trust a catholic school with my child.
Wow, difficult topic. Without subjecting folks to WTMI, I do know from experience that spankings that border on abuse, and yelling that borders on verbal abuse, can wound and scar a child. While different children may respond differently to different discipline methods, so a somewhat varied repertoire is good to have, treating one child too differently from others, can wound and scar in a different way. Patience is very important. Stated differently perhaps, being in control of one’s temper and one’s faculties while administering discipline is very important. Also, to be effective, discipline must go hand-in-hand with praise when it is due. (Yes, almost mid-paragraph, I’m gonna switch from “one” to “you.” My mother the English teacher would reprimand me, but that’s too bad, the rest of this flows better in the more “you” language, though I don’t intend that it be directed at anyone in particular.) Another thing that is of utmost importance is love. To the best of your ability, in case you are called to leave the world before your children are grown… heaven forbid… do not leave a question in their minds as to whether or not you loved them. Your children’s upbringing will be a fallback for them as they raise their own, and especially when they come to the end of their patience rope, as we all do at one time or another. As part of my legacy, I always wanted to, and worked to, make that better for my children than I’d had. Stepping from generalities to particulars… My dad was the disciplinarian, and a razor strap was the implement of discipline when I was growing up. I remember where it was kept in the last two houses we lived in. Dad died when I was 15. Years later, when my husband and I cleaned out that house after we moved Mom to Iowa, I found it… them. There were two! One was very worn. We weren’t Catholic, and never went to a Catholic school, but I had a couple of friends who did. Receiving pretty severe discipline in Catholic schools seemed to be a known thing on this side of the pond, too. My dad was raised Catholic, but I doubt any of his schools were Catholic. They would have been of the one room schoolhouse variety. Since he’s been gone over 50 years, now, it would be difficult to ascertain if being Catholic had an effect on his views on discipline or not. I have 3 sons, now in their 30s and 40s. I was the disciplinarian, not my husband. I remember my oldest receiving a couple of spankings. After that, distraction, timeouts, and temporary removal of privileges were what we went with. I don’t recall ever spanking the other two, though I do recall number two son having welts on him one time when I picked him up from daycare. He was the most challenging of the three. After I spoke with that babysitter, that never happened again. I am very proud of all three of my sons. They are all responsible, productive, happy (for the most part), and good people. We’re not too far past Thanksgiving, so I hope you won’t mind me saying… I am very thankful for resiliency, for forgiveness, and for redemption. There’s always a song running in my head… gotta go look up the lyrics to “Teach Your Children” by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
Pow Pows is not a bad thing to do. Punishing when they are older works best. When they are little you teach them no and why they get powpows. When they older, you take things away from them and ground them.
Punishment should fit the crime. If it cost the family money let them earn a portion of the cost. If it cost you work let them earn money for your time. Reality is as they grow they will pay for mistakes in greater proportion than as a kid at home. Always think ahead as how you want handle situations. People make mistakes children too .
My former rabbi's wife was raised with all girls. When they married, she and her husband had 2 girls and 7 sons. I'm not sure he ever got it through her head that you can't raise boys like girls. Although I think she started getting the hint when two of the boys got in a fight and the one threw the other into the wall and put a big hole in it. LOL
You definitely need a lot of patience with your kids. They know what buttons to push. I never spanked my daughter I took things away from her and would ground her.
When I was growing up, you got your butt beat. And since I grew up on a farm - you also got sent to clean the barn out. So basically, you were shoveling your attitude. LOL I've never quite figured out how city folks or townies discipline. What do you do without a barn to send them out to clean?
I don't believe in striking a kid although it has worked. The only time my mom slapped me I deserved it and I never did that again. That being said, the main thing is a stern voice that let's them know you mean business and being consistent and following through with punishment which I think is the biggest mistake I see. Parents say take away their video games for a day but then let them have it back 2 hours later. That sends the wrong message.
My oldest son is named Connor, after the MacLeod. My youngest son's name is James. The only reason he's not named Duncan is because my wife refused to name him Duncan Dickens. Parenthood is 90% patience and 10% urgency. The numbers swap back and forth depending on the day...
get some inversion boots, if they misbehave clamp those boots on um and hang um upside down and tell um when their attitude changes you will take um down...lololololol
My son is 30 now. He was a good kid when he was little. No huge issues. Always gave big hugs, always reinforced positive behavior. Best of success Adrian.
God bless your son sir.
Raised two girls and 1 boy on my own. Oldest is 23, youngest 15 and on the Autism spectrum. No secret sauce here. Boundaries, consistency, lots of patience and love. They are all unique. Cultivate that. Teach them to respect themselves and each other…be the example. Be present…
Thank you for sharing!
You're 62?!?!?! Good gracious, my fanfic about you being an actual immortal, hiding in plain view seems more realistic than ever!
What fantastic genes.
I had one daughter. She’s 20. My wife is 39. I’m 41. Found out that I was going to be a father two weeks after me and my wife moved into our new place in early part of 2001. The news of the pregnancy was unexpected. I wasn’t married at the time, though my fiancé and I were steady for ten months.
Having a child didn’t come with an instruction manual. In many ways, I grew up fast when assuming the responsibilities of becoming a parent. Since we had only the one daughter, she spent the greater part of her time around other adults. Rarely did my daughter socialize with children her age, until preschool. And even then, there was this existential disconnection between my daughter and other children her age. Having gone this route, we raised our daughter like an adult. That’s not to say she didn’t have a childhood, but that our interactions with her was really based on the way we behaved around our own surroundings. In many ways, my daughter adapted accordingly.
Having done this, my daughter became precocious from the onset. Having been surrounded by books, my daughter took a strong interest in reading since both her parents were readers also.
The upside to this raising your child like an adult, involves them figuring out the world at an exceptionally young age. They become goal orientated, having a purpose to succeed in the scholastic life. The downside to it, is that children harbor secrets that they’re not willing to share as they become teenagers. As my daughter was raised to have an independent understanding concerning the everyday issues of life, the emotional ones that she locked up kept her mother and myself in the dark concerning her struggle. As a parent, we tend to get blindsided by these hidden issues, because we think that on the surface everything is on the up and up. And when problems arose later on, especially during the adolescent stage, from my daughter’s end-the psychological burdens of fulfilling excessive demanding goals and responsibilities didn’t come with a shut off valve. And from my own end, I was having to adapt to situations that I was unaware on how to deal with at the beginning. I think in many ways that the consequences of my daughter being the only child and me and my wife being the parents of one kid, became a mitigating factor.
Eventually, my daughter overcame these challenging obstacles. Currently, she is studying psychology at the University of Maryland. I suppose that what was working against the grain for my daughter as a teenager, became something well worth within her favor in her 20’s.
Everyone’s situation is different when it comes to raising children. From what I learned, is that children must be raised with a balance in life. One extreme over the other throws things out of whack, so avoiding that pitfall is wise. Showing children that there are middle grounds provides that balance, along with a loving heart that is more eager to understand than judging pre-conditionally is also a huge help. Acquiring wisdom is a two folded process, both against the backdrop as an ever-growing parent and perceiving the actions by which your children take by the values they’re given. Regardless if your child is two or twenty, you’re always going to learn from them while simultaneously, seeing them learn from you. Wisdom and understanding has a way of being an interface between parents and children as we get older. Those are my experiences…
I freakin love you man... seriously, I wish you were my dad
I'm a mom of a son and a high school teacher. All kids are different and you have to find what works with each one. Then be consistent.
We had my daughter at 30, my son at 42. We tried again and again. My daughter is now 31 and my son is 19. I am lucky that I had my daughter first. She taught me to have patience. I think my son is lucky I was older, and calmed down a little, before I had my son. But both were easy kids. I think the big guy knew that I wouldn’t put up with a lot.
Adrian I personally never had kids but I helped a friend of mine who had seven kids 2 were twins and with them. I set up a system where they had a 3 strike policy were they had do everything they we're told to do for a month and if they didn't get 3 strikes at the end of the month they could pick a DVD of there choice and I pay for it. When it came to cleaning their rooms I would have clean in there rooms then they have to come get me and sit on their bed's while I inspected it the one's do what I asked I dismissed from the room the other's would have to continue cleaning until they met me level of clean and when they thought they were done they would have to come get me again and again sit on their bed's until I dismissed them. This worked really well for them because it helped with responsibilities and respect for one another and there parents. There was one time I remember where we were waiting to go to dinner event and I gave one of the twins there 3 strike, but just shortly before we left he asked to speak with me with his parents present and began to apologize for his behavior and tell us that something really bad happened at school that day which added to him acting out and said to him if you don't talk to me or your parents about this stuff how we supposed to help you and that you handled the situation the wrong way and he still would not receive a DVD at the end of the month because I felt he hadn't earned it but that he apologize which I know for him was really hard. I would take away one of the strikes so he could go with us . I was really proud he took responsibilities for his actions and realized he should of handled it differently. That the kids felt comfortable enough to come to me and talk openly and there parents were comfortable enough to give parental authority even when they were there allowed the 3 of us to accomplish a lot with them and I am proud of that. I don't get to see them anymore because we live in different states now me in Illinois and her in Seattle. I miss that connection but I made such an impression on her kids that when I had her number and called the kid's always wanted to get on the phone to talk to me and tell everything that was going on with them good and bad and say they missed me and I feel the same way. Best wishes to you and your family Adrian
I raised one girl.i learned to avoid comparing her with other kids. What works for them may not work for us. That doesn't mean one way is better, it means kids are unique in their own way.
Example: preschool teacher didn't think my girl was learning as well as others, yet by high school she was excelling, and she graduated with honors and distinction.
Totally agree. Patience is very important. Also a lot of parents seem to forget what it was like to be a kid. I don't and try to remember back to that too.
I have one child he’s now 23 and I was very blessed because he was a great child and now as an adult. He’s a pretty easy-going young man full of energy.
I'm not a parent, but as a godmother, I watch with great interest how my heart-children are being raised. And I watch my friends raising their kids. And I've realized that while every child is very different, the way in which parents interact with their kids, how they speak with them, the amount of intentionality behind words and actions has a huge effect on kids. When parents send conflicting messages, kids will try to push boundaries. I've noticed the amount of screen time that kids get also makes a difference in their ability to receive/accept messages from parents. Calm kids often have calm parents. Anxious parents produce anxious kids. I am 40 and have SO much respect for my parent friends. It's HARD because to do it well, creating that balance of discipline, freedom, fun, you've always got to be on your A game.
I think older parents have a lot more self-awareness, but can also be far more out of touch of what is happening in their world. It's so different from when we were kids. We weren't bombarded with this much marketing, propaganda, political messaging. It was always there, but the sheer quantity of it was much less. On the down side, a lot of our upbringing was such that we, as kids, were not the center of the universe. Perhaps we grew up less self-centered, more community oriented.
As an employer, I struggle with much younger colleagues. They are sure smarter than me, but they need to be affirmed every five minutes. I think that is because we've raised a generation of children where everyone is given a prize so they don't feel left out. If you win no matter what, there is no real drive to strive for perfection. Maybe it's that work ethic that we've lost....
I never had children, but my dad was born at the turn of the century and was in his mid-fifties when I was born. He was the youngest of five boys and the only one born in the twentieth century. Their father, my paternal grandfather, was born in 1862, so the Victorian period did play a certain role in my own rearing. At the end of the day, though, I wouldn't trade my father for any other. He was not in the best of health so I didn't have him as long as your children will have you, but I wouldn't trade memories of my dad for anything.
Yeah I grew up getting smacked by my dad, didn't help me any, I was just scared of him. I took a different approach with my kids who are now 39 and 30. I used consequences with them and they both are great adults, but I did yell at them sometimes and I regret that now. I was a pretty opened minded granny but still would scold them for disrespectful behavior. But now I'm a great granny and I have absolutely turned into the definition of gentle parenting with them, which I scoffed at at one time. However I was wrong, it seems to deflate tantrum when I just talk to them and try to understand why they are acting the way they are. So even us oldies can learn new tricks.
Man Adrian I also started a little older. I had my first daughter 4 years ago at 34 and right now I’m 38 and waiting for two twin girls in a couple of months. I think some of the challenges that I look at for me is just have the energy levels to play dad. But I think I had kids at a real sweet spot. Typically if you start having kids when you’re in your early to even mid-20s you have more energy to play dad, but you lack the life experience and the wisdom and the patience that you do when you’re a older. So there’s trade offs.
My three kids are all adults now. I have one son and two daughters. All of them are different... my son is different... an engineer with a highly logical and highly emotion mind (at the same time)... he has always been the genius, but required his own set of rules for raising. My daughters are also different from each other and their brother, though they are highly intelligent, as well. The first daughter (now recently married) is loud and social while the baby girl (at university) is more quiet, less social, but a jokester (and also a writer). We always gave them a standard for living and morality that is the same for them all, but we dealt with them differently based upon how they dealt with feedback. Based upon personalities, the son required more direct reasons for discipline, the first daughter needed to feel she was supported and the youngest daughter needed to feel affection. It's about giving them what they need to learn and grow, not a cookie cutter set of rules and discipline meant to work for a select group of people.
I really enjoyed hearing your insight on raising children! You are so down to earth and sincere!
I haven't run across many people as honest and sincere as you seem to be! Specially you being an actor, you could be very arrogant, and full of crap, but your not, you are real! I think you are a very nice, honest, and down to earth person! You are awesome! ❤
Thank you for everything you do. I was a huge fan of Highlander and it is nice to see Adrian Paul (instead of Duncan) giving his thoughts on fatherhood. As a father of two I know how challenging parenting is, and remember, if kids knew everything they would not need us : )
Yes both my now adult sons have totally different personalities. They were ALWAYS trying to outsmart me very early on. So I constantly had to come up with different ways of dealing with them as a single parent. Sometimes I actually had to get physical on them as a last resort. Yeah catholic schools had corporate punishment back then and sometimes it was humiliating and in front of the whole class and as a new student I was made the scapegoat once. Also doing my sons teenage years I had to relearn how to pray and return to the Word because it was very challenging. They wanted NO RULES like some of the friends. However they're happy and successful these days 😊
Both my sons have two different personalities. So I had to approach issues differently. And they were always trying to outsmart me 😅😂
I’m a late father too, I got married December 5th 2011, and had my firstborn October 15th 2014, and my 2nd born February 15th 2018 at 39 years old. I have 2 red headed little girls, and they tire me out a lot, being in shape is a big deal in fatherhood. I wanted a son, but if I was giving the choice to have sons instead, I would turn it down without hesitation. I’m very happy I have my 2 daughters, everything about how I think, and see the world, changed in so many ways I’m still noticing even now, and the way we raise our kids has definitely evolved. I never hit my kids. I use patience, redirecting, and try to understand as best as I can, I love my wife and kids so much, I wouldn’t hesitate to defend them with my life.
Respect, patience, boundaries and love do the trick I think! You are doing a Great job!!❤👍
Yes! Thank you!
Im just glad my two are grown! But even as adults I have issues with them. No easy answers, like you said All kids are different.
A lovely video and an honest commentary. I too grew up in a British boarding school in North India and boy we got whacked with everything by the teachers, prefects and peers. Geez. It was the norm. Hockey stick on the bum if you were late for assembly and other innovative punishments. Did it help? Not sure. But I wouldn’t do it now. As a first time father to my now 2 year old girl it’s new learning every other day and I am very grateful for the chance to be her father. One thing I am learning though is the little ones sure are listening and learning from us elders how we treat each other. It’s not only important how we behave with her as parents but how we behave with each other too. Cheers Adrian. You’re an inspirational artist and even more so as a human being.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the insight! Really really cool
I did not have children. But my paternal grandfather was born in 1885. My grandmother in 1892. He fought in WWI . When my father was born, my grandfather was 52 and my grandmother was 45. I got to spend my childhood among 19th century people. Older parents bring a maturity and experience that young parents don't have. And that can be a plus for both the children and the patents.
Some suggestions are to not be authoritarian, but also don't forget that the parents have the authority and will sometimes have to be stern. Explaining is good, but don't negotiate when it comes to behavior. Don't allow double standards for behavior either in public or within the family, because that sends all of the children a terrible message. Children do have different personalities, which gets really interesting, and even the sweetest child will sometimes complain or get angry about the boundaries their parents set, but they need to know what the boundaries are and that they're stable, otherwise they'll feel lost at sea (even if they don't realize it). It's going to be an adventure, and all the best to you! :D (By the way, I remember that video you posted a while ago about when your little son was crying and not sleeping, and you discovered the trick of distracting him with something that would make him laugh until he fell asleep -- that was brilliant! I hope that idea helped a lot of parents.)
Thank you for sharing!
I had to be both mom and dad, it wasn't easy, raised a gifted boy and an autistic girl, they are older now, but my daughter is the one who gave me the gift of patience, and I read alot, so I could help them both thrive, they both went to college, and my son works for himself, and my daughter still lives with me because she struggles with the outside world. She had her fill working retail, and found out people are pretty mean to retail workers, then the pandemic hit, I told her to go ahead and quit, when people were spitting in the store she worked at. Life is never easy and girls and boys require your patience. Be honest, don't be too quick to anger and forgive, forgive, forgive.
Thank you for sharing!
Well there is no text book way of doing things raising kids especially but, u just do the best you can. You be a protector, you be patient and understanding.
One of the hardest things for me to to remember was/is, that our children will surely immitate us.
-Father of four (2 boys twin girls).
I'm working on having children soon. I'm very patient.
Every personality is different and unique. I look forward to getting to know my children, learning what works for them, how to help them, what each of them needs in terms of how they can learn better etc.
I'm ready to ground them if they misbehave or act like a bully. I will take everything away.
I see parents who let their kids run wild and do whatever they want and it's so bad for the children. They don't learn anything from that. They will go through life assuming they can't get away with everything and at the same time, have everything handed to them.
I hope my future children will grow up to be empathetic, kind hearted adults. Loving animals, being loving to others, helping others etc.
You have a beautiful family and you're youngest is so cute! Looks just like you too!
Oh you mean like the adults we see whining about wearing a mask to do shopping?
Your comment reminded me of a time I was at a restaurant with my two sons. An older couple stopped by my table to compliment on how well behaved my kids were compared to others running around and harassing the customers. One parent asked me, "how do you get them to behave so well?" Even at my young age, I learned that kids will be kids and they are energetic. So I had a practice of taking my kids out to a park, gokarting or do some other type of physical activity prior to going to some place where they need to sit still. This way they were both tired and hungry! So I never needed to discipline them. I also learned the threatening "I will kill you" look before shopping to let them know that acting out in the store to get what they want was a death sentence. I never needed to discipline them, the threat alone worked :).
@@magsbayou That is so smart! Letting them "run out of fuel" before going somewhere where ppl will be rude and act like jerks.
The mom face never fails. My mom used to do that lol. I hope I develop a good "Thats it!" face 😂
I'm pregnant, at 39 (I will give birth in fews days 😋) and I had my first daughter when I was 27 (so, 12 years ago!). So your video talks to me a lot 😊 Thank you.
Lulu
Adrian, you seem to be a very present father. I also feel that I am, I think this is so missed today with children. Also, parents need to give themselves lots of grace. Lots and lots of it.
I was in my 40’s when I had my first child. Now I have three. Could not have done it in my 20’s or 30’s. Would not have had the patience. Still think mines limited but being older has kept me calmer when they do misbehave. Always learning as a parent.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you and Adrian for sharing. I'm in my 40's now and want to have a child. As a 3rd generation only child I feel discouraged at times but stories like this help me to feel hope.
I raised my son with consistency, being present in his life, limiting gaming time and knowing who his friends were. All his friends came to my home and the parents were of course welcome to come as well. I taught him to tell me the truth whether good or bad but it had to be the truth so I could handle what may have come and to be respectful to others. He had to go outside and be active and get sweaty and dirty, skateboarding, football, track, climbing trees and especially swordsmanship. He is now 31, owns his own cryptography company and is an excellent swordsman as well as martial arts. I always encouraged him to be himself and to be a good responsible human. Patience comes easier when you try to see things and situations through their eyes...
Thank you for sharing!
I have two a boy and girl both married and ten years later had my youngest who is autistic I was a geriatric mom at 37. Patience is the key and love make sure you tell them often you love accept and are proud of each one! You got this Adrian.
Thank you for sharing!
I must have missed this one back then. I'm hoping to start down this path as well. Just turned 40 so it's late, but I think it will be great. Definitely looking forward to learning.
My father was very impatient!
I became a father late as well. I adopted both my kids. Son when he was 12 and his sister when she was 4. They are 25 and 16 now. And for me boys are easier then girls.
Thank you for sharing!
God bless you and your family Adrian! Incidentally, we all had a little smack with a slipper now and then. Everyone in their senses I know, had it too. Every mentally unstable person, I've come about in my life, happened to be either severely abused or left totally out of control. I guess that both far ends of parental treatment, tend to cause harm (severe abuse, apparently so). It's after all, what Cleobulus of Lindos said over two and a half millennia ago; "ΜΕΤΡΟΝ ΑΡΙΣΤΟΝ" (METRON ARISTON), literally. "Moderation is the best thing."
I was 37 when my last was born, it's been a struggle for me as I am now almost 49. He has been the hardest to handle out of 4.
I am also a Catholic school survivor. I have 3 very different adult children. Ages 29, 25 and 20. Two boys and a girl. I am very proud of all 3 of them. I always remember they are more than just my child they are individual people. I always spoke with them not at them, and still do. No subjects were ever off limits. That made the dinner table an interesting place in our household!
What area of Mexico are you in? I am a travel advisor. My husband and I also have a TH-cam travel channel. We love Mexico. We did 3 group trips to Mexico during the pandemic since it was open for travel. Enjoy your travels and every moment with your family.
Thank you for sharing!
Great video, Adrian! As a girl dad, I’ve found that it’s challenged me more to think of how she might see the world. Patience is so needed, I’ll sometimes “tag” my wife in when I run out of it. Alas, more patience will be needed as she grows older. Also-thanks for the thoughts around how each child is not a on size fits all-they’re all different and they do change. Thank you for the insight!!
Thank you for sharing!
I used every method. I gave them whacks, when needed. Took things away, when needed. Made them do work, when needed. Embarrassed them, when needed.
I didn't let them get used to any one punishment. I didn't want the punishments becoming ineffective. By varying the punishments, they never knew what would happen, if they did something they knew was wrong. Making their risk/cost analysis impossible.
I started at 42. The patient's thing is very challenging. Spankings taking away things timeouts all the above are part of the routine and the daily struggle. She is a wonderful little girl but also very strong-willed and trying to balance all that in the personality is hard. So I'm with you. It's especially difficult on the young ones living in a world like we do today it's not the same world we were in when we were kids.
Thank you for sharing!
Patience and kindness are much better than fear and physical beatings... It makes the child defiant and angry at the parent....Love and understanding should not mean hurting your child physically..... You do seem like a present loving Dad......
We have 4 daughter’s, ages now are 41, 40, 30, 25. We’ve been married 42 years! Each child is totally different! Girls are so difficult in the teen years. When we had our last child, there was a 16 & 15 yr age gap between the 2 oldest! That’s been a challenge through the years. When choosing to argue/reprimand etc you have to pick your battle. They need to be held accountable for there actions and they need consequences. Eventually, the older kids will become jealous of the youngest sibling. As you have kids later in life, your more settled, learned a lot of life lessons, way more calm! We always hear, “if we did that, you would’ve done this”. On the flip side, Karma is a b****. I can’t wait for the day when their children hit the teen years😂😜🤣. I always said to my girls while they were growing up, I’m your mom, not your friend. My job is to teach you to be the best you can be, become a responsible citizen, get an education etc….. I’ll always be your mom, when you move out and are on your own is when I can become a friend.
Thank you for sharing!
Children these days, even teenagers, are so addicted to the computer games and their online friends. We as parents have to understand that this is the new norm. When it comes to correcting our children we have to be calm and rationalize with them as intelligent beings. We have to show them respect and earn their trust. It's not like when I was a kid when I feared my Father. Those days are long gone! I have found that speaking rationally with my son's has opened the door to honest communication between my sons and I. They have no fear in telling me anything and they respect me for the way we communicate.
I am late to this conversation, but as a Behavior Analyst I can assure you that the scientific literature supports not physically punishing children. Always reward when possible. Even other forms of punishment must be carefully considered. Their is a great book by the behaviorist Murray Sidman titled Coercion and its Fallout that goes into the research on punishment and it is pretty eye-opening.
My girls are 2 1/2 yrs apart. The challenge was more when they were little. As they got into school things got easier. I feel lucky I didn’t struggle very much. Now as young adults they take care of each other.
Thank you for sharing!
I think it important to follow through with the consequence or they will learn they can get over on you. Or in life. Life might not always be as forgiving as mom and pop.
I helped raise my two oldest nephew's in the beginning, no girls, but you are right, as every child is unique. Gotta deal with them in different manners and so on, can't approach them in a repeated process. As for behavior, if they acted bad in a store, I'd just take them out to the car and let them cry it out...lol. Eventually they got the idea, giving them time-outs as well. I felt like it came across better, as well as explaining why, I saw no benefit in spanking them. Of course some people will disagree, but as it's said, always gotta approach it differently.
Thank you for sharing!
He went back and corrected every title.. how though't'ful..😉😁
"The nuns were messing me up so I had to learn martial arts and sword fighting!" haha! Thank you I needed a good laugh!
All jokes aside.
"All kids are different" means you are speaking from a voice of maturity which is one benefit of being an older parent. I must applaud you on being an exemplary example of being older and fit. This means you can still be there, physically, for your kids. When we have kids when we are still kids ourselves (in my case) we have not developed a maturity to learn how to manage a kid based on personality. I agree, my two sons were very different. One was quite mischievous and the other, the younger one, was a grumpy old man.
Back to the jokes...did they make you go outside to find a switch so they can beat you with it? How messed up was that!? I got dropped kicked a number of times during my childhood :).
Thank you for sharing!
My firstborn is a girl she was easy until the teenager. My second born is a boy my son tested me the day he was born and many more days after that, found out later he was autistic you have a whole new level on how to handle them and he has been a tough one.
Thank you for sharing!
@@THESWORDEXPERIENCE you are welcome
My wife was the bad cop and I was the good😄 It wasnt about gaining favor or points with our three kids,it was more of a balance. They could always communicate better with me than her so I wanted that option for them. As Adrian said I also got my ass disciplined whenever I desrved it and I think that's what's missing with this generation. Discipline is not physical abuse. And,yeah, I raised my girls differently than my son. I think that's just natural nurture. PEACE
All true, although in reference to the sadly time-honored tradition of smacking kids--on the bottom or elsewhere--in response to bad behavior, I am totally against it and I think at this point psychiatry has established that any kind of physical trauma visited upon children damages their minds and sets them up for problems later in life. Which is why I am so grateful for the discovery of the relatively new technique of 'time outs.' I watched my siblings use this when my young nieces and nephews were throwing a fit, removing a child from the company and putting them in another room, and it is *incredible* how powerful it is. The children will do anything to be allowed to return to the company, like stopping with the crying and yelling and becoming instantly well-behaved. So, without the child having to be hit, which teaches the child nothing anyway, and just inflicts trauma, the use of time outs in conjunction with the parent talking to the child and explaining why they have to get a time out when start behaving uncontrollably, is the ticket, in my book.
I was always whacked with the first thing they could grab!
I am 60 years old and have 6 children oldest is 34 youngest is 8 the older I've gotten the more patience I have, and of course the older ones think I spoil the youngest. LOL
I was the kid that let the other kid do the trouble making. So when I saw whatever the consequence was for the kid or sibling that got in trouble I knew don't do that.
My kid was okay. I raised my son on my own since he was 2 years old, he's almost 20 but as a kid I did spank I know it's frowned upon but Im a true believer that if I have to say no more than 3 times I give a couple of pats on the bum and time out. I couldn't afford many things so as long as kept him clean and fed and warm I knew was okay I never bought him electronics while he was growing up and the first time he got a computer was in highschool. I taught him to drive at 18 and he got a license at 19. He still lives with me so I do tell him if he doesn't respect the rules of the road I will take his licence away so far we've been good knock on wood.
I have two girls, 17 and 20. Both different. I read a story of an American family living in Scandinavia with a young child in the school system there. They had a police officer and social worker show up at their home because of the violence in their home that was manifesting as aggressive behavior in school. The school felt that as the American parents used corporal punishment at home they needed more tools in their toolbox, which is why they sent a social worker to work with them. The USA is a country that has not made corporal punishment illegal which has prevented the USA from signing onto a United Nations document for the protection of children. I have wondered how we need to raise our children so eventually war can be eliminated. Children will carry forward what they experience. And if their parents physically hurt them and subdue them and overpower them to get their way, how will we ever have peace?
Thank you for sharing!
Those nuns were though, I don't have children but I have many nephews handle with love
52, single Dad with 9 year old Daughter....
Two boys. Some spankings very young but switched to pushups. Both are basically for tantrums. Both served the purpose of snapping them out of it. Pushups led to a good thing (my oldest, 8, is in his second of three black belt test in tae kwon do).
I had three daughters when I was young, before I was 21. I was a grdmother at 37. Then we had three grdsons then finely a grddaughter. Luckily I was able to take care of my grdkids till they started to school. It would have to be something really bad for them to get a spanking, when I was young after my parents divorced my sister and I went to live with my grandparents that grdmother didn’t like me at all I looked like my dad so I got beaten everyday, with what ever was handy, dog chain, 2x4 … by the time I was eight I had gotten used to it. She’d beat me and I wouldn’t even cry, I’d say is that all you’ve got, you can’t hit any harder than that which that would usually make it worse so my smart elicit mouth would just get me in more trouble. I was strict with my daughters and taught them to be responsible and hard working. Like you said all kids are so different some you have to be more patient with.
my mom popped me upside the head. when my dad would come home they would fight like cats and dogs and my mom would not spank me without my dad's permission. i was the first born and only female, and a alpha lol.
that YHWH has got her 6.
Catholic school is only 500 a year vs b. Dalton private school 500 a month however you get what you pay for
def girls different to boys, ya right patience but it's really raising and parenting your self at those ages and your inner child and making a new path and healthier and more meaningful one.
my stopped hitting me when i was 15 and i clocked her in the jaw and flipped her over my shoulder. lol
Test your patience HAHAHAHAHHA
I have mixed feelings about discipline methods and their effectiveness. I had a few mild swats on the bottom as a child, but I wanted my mother to be pleased with me. I most certainly did not want to look like a fool in public, so that was never an issue. My son was nothing like me. I am sure that without the real threat of wood meets butt he would have been impossible before age 10. It was still no picnic, lol. There are good reasons why he is an only child.
Thank you for sharing!
I still having problems of tolerating time that we r in now. All changing so fast and it is hard to process kids preferences and style within nowadays. I feel we r not the same and feelings not unique. Digital cane or strap Card is the solution) Maybe it is me loosing the connection of reality 3D, but this word Tolerance really on my nerve list)
I still think spanking is the way to go. But you don’t ever hit them in anger. Like any discipline, everyone needs time to decompress. I don’t think boys should be treated differently than girls. I do think extroverts and introverts should be disciplined differently. Taking away friend time doesn’t hurt an introvert like an extrovert. It just teaches an introvert how to manipulate by pretending they are languishing without social interaction.
I’m an introvert that was incredibly prone to mischief. My school tried the separation punishment, stand facing the wall during recess, or eat at the detention table. That wasn’t punishment, it was a vacation. If my parents didn’t use a strap for spanking, I never would have learned empathy, consequences or decency. Spanking gets a bad reputation because people misuse it or don’t apply it properly. I reiterate that children should never be struck in anger. Which the Catholic Church was (is) notorious for doing. Consider yourself lucky, Mr. Paul, for escaping them intact.
I’ve worked with an orthopedic surgeon who had no feeling in three of his fingers on his left hand. Nuns beat his left hand until he had permanent nerve damage because he is left handed. I personally would never trust a catholic school with my child.
Wow, difficult topic. Without subjecting folks to WTMI, I do know from experience that spankings that border on abuse, and yelling that borders on verbal abuse, can wound and scar a child. While different children may respond differently to different discipline methods, so a somewhat varied repertoire is good to have, treating one child too differently from others, can wound and scar in a different way.
Patience is very important. Stated differently perhaps, being in control of one’s temper and one’s faculties while administering discipline is very important. Also, to be effective, discipline must go hand-in-hand with praise when it is due.
(Yes, almost mid-paragraph, I’m gonna switch from “one” to “you.” My mother the English teacher would reprimand me, but that’s too bad, the rest of this flows better in the more “you” language, though I don’t intend that it be directed at anyone in particular.)
Another thing that is of utmost importance is love. To the best of your ability, in case you are called to leave the world before your children are grown… heaven forbid… do not leave a question in their minds as to whether or not you loved them.
Your children’s upbringing will be a fallback for them as they raise their own, and especially when they come to the end of their patience rope, as we all do at one time or another. As part of my legacy, I always wanted to, and worked to, make that better for my children than I’d had.
Stepping from generalities to particulars…
My dad was the disciplinarian, and a razor strap was the implement of discipline when I was growing up. I remember where it was kept in the last two houses we lived in. Dad died when I was 15. Years later, when my husband and I cleaned out that house after we moved Mom to Iowa, I found it… them. There were two! One was very worn.
We weren’t Catholic, and never went to a Catholic school, but I had a couple of friends who did. Receiving pretty severe discipline in Catholic schools seemed to be a known thing on this side of the pond, too. My dad was raised Catholic, but I doubt any of his schools were Catholic. They would have been of the one room schoolhouse variety. Since he’s been gone over 50 years, now, it would be difficult to ascertain if being Catholic had an effect on his views on discipline or not.
I have 3 sons, now in their 30s and 40s. I was the disciplinarian, not my husband. I remember my oldest receiving a couple of spankings. After that, distraction, timeouts, and temporary removal of privileges were what we went with. I don’t recall ever spanking the other two, though I do recall number two son having welts on him one time when I picked him up from daycare. He was the most challenging of the three. After I spoke with that babysitter, that never happened again. I am very proud of all three of my sons. They are all responsible, productive, happy (for the most part), and good people.
We’re not too far past Thanksgiving, so I hope you won’t mind me saying…
I am very thankful for resiliency, for forgiveness, and for redemption.
There’s always a song running in my head… gotta go look up the lyrics to “Teach Your Children” by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
Thank you for sharing!
I got my ass beat a lot, but how I handle now as a father is,
I like think what would duncan mcleod do in my situation.... take it from there
Pow Pows is not a bad thing to do. Punishing when they are older works best. When they are little you teach them no and why they get powpows. When they older, you take things away from them and ground them.
Punishment should fit the crime. If it cost the family money let them earn a portion of the cost. If it cost you work let them earn money for your time. Reality is as they grow they will pay for mistakes in greater proportion than as a kid at home. Always think ahead as how you want handle situations. People make mistakes children too .
My former rabbi's wife was raised with all girls. When they married, she and her husband had 2 girls and 7 sons. I'm not sure he ever got it through her head that you can't raise boys like girls. Although I think she started getting the hint when two of the boys got in a fight and the one threw the other into the wall and put a big hole in it. LOL
You definitely need a lot of patience with your kids. They know what buttons to push. I never spanked my daughter I took things away from her and would ground her.
When I was growing up, you got your butt beat. And since I grew up on a farm - you also got sent to clean the barn out. So basically, you were shoveling your attitude. LOL I've never quite figured out how city folks or townies discipline. What do you do without a barn to send them out to clean?
Thank you for sharing!
I don't believe in striking a kid although it has worked. The only time my mom slapped me I deserved it and I never did that again. That being said, the main thing is a stern voice that let's them know you mean business and being consistent and following through with punishment which I think is the biggest mistake I see. Parents say take away their video games for a day but then let them have it back 2 hours later. That sends the wrong message.
Thank you for sharing!
How old are your kids if you don't mind me asking?
My oldest son is named Connor, after the MacLeod. My youngest son's name is James. The only reason he's not named Duncan is because my wife refused to name him Duncan Dickens.
Parenthood is 90% patience and 10% urgency. The numbers swap back and forth depending on the day...
get some inversion boots, if they misbehave clamp those boots on um and hang um upside down and tell um when their attitude changes you will take um down...lololololol
I think spanking but it depends on the child.
Catholic school....
Swatting a child always works better.