Marriage with spouse comes first. When your kids are grown and out of the house hopefully, it’ll just be you and your spouse. Doesn’t mean you neglect or abuse the kids though. You still need to love and provide for them of course.
You know what, kudos to this guy for asking the question BEFORE the wedding. Like Delony says, so many people plan the wedding and almost no one plans the marriage.
How do you propose to someone and plan a wedding BEFORE you ask questions on the big issues. YIKES. Divorce number two for this dude with his head in the sand and his little gun elsewhere. He gives new meaning to not thinking with his brain even at his age.
He's asking because he wants to use their response as leverage against her. What man goes into a marriage asking about what if my 30+yo kids want to go to graduate school and I need to support them? Run lady Run. Let him figure out how to support his adult kids, and himself ... BY HIMSELF. He really only asked you to marry him after 2 years because he needs the extra income to support his enabling.
@@leabeauty837 Agreed and if things dont end will he will be in the DR's bittermen s club that is always blaming their wives in the comment section but never the mirror. Last time I checked we are free to marry whomever we want.
One of the primary reasons I would choose not to pursue a relationship with someone who has children stems from my past experiences. Having been in a relationship with a partner who had children, I found it to be particularly challenging. While I respect and admire the dedication required to be a parent, I realized that the dynamics of such relationships may not align with my personal needs and aspirations
Don't do it! It's the worst! Especially if you are a child free women yourself, then suddenly you have all the responsibility of a mother , but zero say in the running of your own home or life. And for nothing.
When you get married, the two become one. Being on the same page is crucial. She has every right to ask how things will go with THEIR finances. She could very well make more than him and have more disposable income! I would delay marriage until the direction is crystal clear. Ultimately the teen needs a stable home and does not need to be subjected to marital chaos.
@@godsdozerI literally lived this hell! It does happen. I'm childless & my ex fiance had 2 kids. I made more than him BEFORE the 25% of his income went to child support. He had the nerve to state I needed to help support & pay for his kids. If a single parent cannot take care of their kids then they have no business getting married, especially to a childless person ..
I think that if she makes more than he does, then she wouldn't be so concerned about the kids' grad school plans preventing her and her future husband going to Hawaii. Unless, she's the type who expects the man to pay for everything while she hoards her income because that's "her money."
@rebekah.2187 not necessarily. She could have more disposable income and he could say, well all my money is going to finance the adult kids' education (and obviously the teen) and whatever you make we'll live off of😂. I've seen that!
If I ever were plagued with a situation where I could re-marry, I just wouldn't. I'll become a hermit while making sure my kids are taken care of and that's that.
Dear caller - you know damn well you would throw a fit if your fiance didn't put you 1st, so you need to straight up tell your fiance you're sorry for miscommunication, however your kids will come 1st. You need to end the engagement and let her have an equal partner. I lived through this same hellish nightmare with my now ex fiance! He would not answer questions directly about expectations. I'm childless. He then started saying his kids come 1st. Well I refuse to be 2nd place in a marriage. He also stated I needed to help pay for his kids. I refused & said if you can't afford to pay for the kids yourself then you have no business getting married. If you are a single parent & want to put your "kids 1st" then please tell people upfront & just casually date. Learn to support yourself and don't ask single people to help clean up your mess!!! It's selfish.
I am a single parent and completely agree with you. My child is 8 and I honestly have no intentions to marry or date again as I prioritize myself and my child. Getting into a secondary relationship can be successful, but it’s ALOT of work and conflicting priorities that most people don’t want to be honest about. So many single parents will sacrifice their kids wellbeing for a relationship and their selfish physical desires. It’s not fair to the kids and it’s not fair to any partner who is not on the same page.
Yes, your spouse comes first. That doesn’t mean neglecting or abandoning your child, but you should treat your marriage is if you’ll grow old together whereas your children should form their own households as they become adults. The parent in this situation usually end up spoiling and even enabling both younger and older children out of guilt and cause issues with a step parent who sees that enabling is happening
@@hudsonmilbank should the wife pay for a honeymoon? The Bible says a man is supposed to be a provider. If he can't afford to take care of his kids then he has no business getting married
As a child whose parents divorced I saw first hand what happens when the parent prioritizes their spouse above their children. Both my parents did this. The step children had more benefits than we did on both sides. Spoiled? Not even. My step dad physically abused use. Emotional too but the physical would have gotten him in trouble. They moved us to a tiny school with their church so the teachers wouldn’t report the abuse. My father moved his new wife and her children across the country and stopped contact for over a year. My mom was too busy taking care of my mentally disturbed step brother and tutoring him through school to pay any attention to us. She particularly hated me as I reminded her of my father. If you discard your children when you get married - you deserve to be alone with your new chosen family for the rest of your life. Do not think to pull emotional guilt nonsense when you are old. You get what you deserve. I am NC with step dad, mom died a terrible painful death following ten years of much deserved suffering, and dad is LC by his own choice. Remember he opted to go NC for over a year when I was a teenager and leave us to be neglected and abused. My mom used that “prioritize your spouse “ crap as an excuse for her bad behavior. She so righteously deserved the pain she was in and step dada deserved to have to care for her. Horrible excuses for Christians.
@@BusArch42 that is entirely different, your mom is at fault for not picking a non-abusive partner. The point is that a strong healthy relationship between the adults is important for the relationship to survive, especially when other children are involved. The marriage is like the foundation of the house. If the foundation breaks, then so does the entire house
As someone who was put in this position as a kid. A kid should not be forced to view or respect someone who they don’t want in their lives. Kids have no control over who their parents start dating (and they shouldn’t) but unfortunately that leads to a ton of situations of parents saying well I want to be with this person so I guess you are gonna have to live with it.
Agreed. Wife and husband come before the kids. Imagine if she had kids and you had the responsibility of them while your wife was gone, but you couldn't discipline them in any way because "they are not your kids."
As a babysitter and nanny this baffles me. So people hire me and I can put their kid in time out, but you marry someone and they can't put your kid in time out?
As a guy with no kids who married and divorced a single mom, I say the best chance at a successful new relationship is for people with kids to only date other people who also have kids à la Brady Bunch style. At least that way there, hopefully, is understanding on both sides when it comes to the kids and their needs.
@@reese85 but they'll always be "kids" in this context. What if they have to move back home? Or need money? The person without kids, of any age, may not be as understanding as a parent.
Obliviously they would always be his kids but their adults. The wife comes 1st and if they have to move back in which they shouldn’t once they out. You gotta put a limit to how long they can stay as get back on their feet cuz there adults
I don't understand people who get married and then tell their spouse that they have no say over the children. Why did you get married then?If they aren't good enough to help raise you children, then why did you allow them into your life?
You're just saying that because he's a man. Women always put kids before their love interest and society expects it to be that way. Why is it different for a man?
If a single/divorced parent who will always put his/her adult children first wants to marry, he/she should make it crystal clear to a prospective spouse that he/she will never be a priority.
From the child's perspective : You don't want to have to call the Police to see your ailing or dying parent because the new(er) spouse will not allow you to see them.
Finances are between you & your spouse. Your spouse has say on who, what, where, when and how you spend OUR money. Your money & your spouse money equals OUR money. Adult children need jobs and boundaries. They need to plan & prepare for life after college. Helping & enabling is 2 different things. 16 yr old, it is ok to pay child support & for necessities but you also have prepare child to be adult including part time job. Transition child from being 100% dependent on your finances.
We need more info. Can this man afford everything on his own? All expectations or questions should be asked before marriage My ex fiance literally said "now that we're getting married I can now afford to pay for my children's things & vacations" .... I ended the relationship. If he couldn't afford to pay on his own for his kids then he had no business getting married!!!
Wait until the youngest is 18. To me while marriage is HIGH, HIGH up there, children are up there too. If their adult it's different. So set up a yearly buget or a 5 year buget. How much money will you budget for each child. She has a right to know that half your money is going to the kids or not.
dating someone with kid(s) that aren't your own can be a very tough relationship. much respect to anyone who's successfully done it and still happily married afterwards.
It's disgusting & selfish of that man to ask his soon to be wife to be lesser than him & his kid's He has no business EVER marrying. One day he'll wake up & his kids will be gone living their own lives, with their own spouse, while he's left ALONE! that's what happens when you put kids 1st! Look up the statistics of elderly single men dying alone in nursing homes ...
I don’t understand why people with kids re-marry? There is no need to marry again if you have kids. Just dedicate your whole life to your kids and live alone. Hopefully those kids will be there for you when you get old.
No, it's NOT the wrong thing to say he's a dad first. I mean, could you imagine of a woman said to Ramsey 'is it wrong to say I'm a Mom first...' what do you think he would say? His kids have a mother and it's not the new wife. She should have no say over how he raises his kids. None. Zero. Zip. And she sounds like a gold digger doesn't want him spending money on his kids and wants it spent on her. He should cut her loose. And if he does not, get a prenup.
I think if the person marries, that partnership is stronger and more intimate than the bond between parent and child. Hence they need to be aligned more closely on how to raise the children before marriage.
@@michaelpalumbo4880yeah I was baffled when I heard them say marriage>children. You can divorce your partner, you cannot divorce your children. Children also rely on you far more than your partner does
Normally I would agree that the kids come 1st but those ain’t kids, there adults and when you married someone who has children already. Your accepting them as your own, so they would also become her children
Actually, he's a DAD FIRST if these are his kids biologically This stepmom coming into the picture is a STRANGER to them, she's NOT their REAL mom The real dad to these kids needs to step up to the plate and set reasonable boundaries simply because she's NOT their REAL mom Of course she may have some reasonable say within a certain boundary, but she SHOULDN'T OVERSTEP BOUNDARIES
If he's a Dad 1st then he has no business getting married It's not a real marriage then if your spouse is 2nd fiddle, 2nd class citizen It's selfish of that man to ask a woman to be less than
Hopefully Dad isn't planning on handing out money to his grown children for their entire lives and not giving them the opportunity to stand on their own feet.
Married my wife who had kids. It took time, but the spouse has just as much say over step kids. How I handled things was to set them up for success so they wouldn't buckle when facing challenges. Both are now getting college debt free and living on their own. Set those to whom you are responsible up for success
You're a lucky man, she sounds AMAZING! my ex fiance said his kids come 1st & allowed them to call me names & pretend to hit me. He never enforced I be respected so I left the relationship. I wish yall the best, God bless 🙏
My stepmother completely brainwashed my father against his children. Our family blew up. I left home at 15 and didn't see my Dad again until after she died. I am anti-wicked stepmothers.
I feel like in every relationship, there’s one that’s lucky to have the other. The other person has the power to decide. The lucky one can leave, but if the one in power knows they can find a replacement, then that’s not a threat.
Do not marry into multiple children partner, this is difficult, you have to die to yourself completely and yes it will ALWAYS BE UNFAIR TO YOU! I don't know why anyone would choose to do so honestly, don't take burden on yourself that you dont have to, THERE ARE ENOUGH SINGLE PEOPLE TO MARY OUT THERE!!!!! )))))
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Wow Thank you ma'am for realizing this! So many want fake marriages where the new spouse pays for the sins of the other. No one should be treated as a 2nd class citizen in a marriage. God bless 🙏
Your child will always be your child, your spouse may not always be your spouse. After 31 years we still put our children 1st, but we raised good kids so we don't come to blows hardly ever.
Spouse and self 1st, then children. Every therapist and marriage counselor I’ve met with or listened to said the same. Without the strong marriage and self, the kids suffer. You and spouse are the foundation. Because the spouse may not always be your spouse is a reason it should come first. It’s more liable to fracture.
If there is an issue with ADULT kids, coming into this picture RUN. I had a coworker who CONSTANTLY complained about his 37yo ADULT, unemployed, step son who wouldn't move out and the biological Mother wouldn't make him. I was 5 years older than his step-son, had a home and never asked my parents for a dime after I got married at 22 yo. So... yep. If his kids can't live independently.... DO NOT MARRY THAT MAN. Let him raise his kids, with HIS money, and nothing is wrong with dating.....
I know this type of guy. He's spineless and is scared to a "fight" with any woman. Specifically a woman he is dating. They fold immediately and never address an issue. They have an irrational fear that if they stand up for themselves and lead, it means the lady he's with will leave. Ive seen so many of these relationships. They almost always fail. I mean did you guys hear the fear in his voice when they mentioned pushing the date back or how he was terrified to even mention this issue? He would rather avoid an arguement now and just hope it magically disappears.
I was engaged to this type of man. He purposely evaded questions bc he knew I would leave him. He knew I wasn't willing to help pay for his kids yet he wanted to still keep me ... have his cake & eat it too, well after finally getting the truth from him I left !!! I refuse to be treated as a 2nd class citizen in a marriage & slave away to support his kids 😤
Your youngest is 16. Just wait until she is out of the house. Don't bring tension around her during these critical years. If she has to compete for your attention in the home, it leaves lasting scars.
Pay for a masters? No. What about your retirement and your future with your wife? Those kids do not need all their education paid for they have no investment into it. I can’t believe that he’s even considering that and I commented this and I’m adding this on even before the end when Ken said what he said. I don’t see this going well
We have absolutely no idea on their financial situation. Also, in terms of "retirement" the wife brought up going to Hawaii instead of helping his kids with schooling which means that there goes your retirement argument.
I agree!! Who said parents are obligated to pay for masters? Mine didn't, & they don't pay for my doctorate either 😅 A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
Don't get re-married while you have teenagers - they can't really handle it. My father remarried when I was 16 (my siblings were 14 and 12). At that point, I lost my father because he became part of this impenetrable unit. I couldn't talk to him without my stepmother present and it severely hindered our relationship. My stepmother never had children and there was a lot she didn't understand. We were ALWAYS wrong and she was ALWAYS right. That's going too far - we felt abandoned but actually we were trapped because we lived with them, walking on eggshells all the time. This does nothing to teach a child how to handle situations because they feel they lose every time. This continued for 25 years when I stopped talking to them because there was nothing but constant criticism ... and I was the GOOD kid out of the 3 of us!
what limit them is the financial situation if either of them have enough the vacation or paying for the masters degree wont be an issues since its not about hate or she dislike his children's ............so they have to discuss on how deal with that
This is a rough one. He called the Ramsey show because he is wondering (which didn't come through clear enough) if he should be able to make financial decisions for his kids that his new wife disagrees with because they are only his biologically. The examples tilted towards how much help to give kids that are grown up and out of the house. It seems reasonable that she would have input into things like is a grown adult able to move back in anytime they want because things got difficult? Should we spend money on a vacation or on a masters degree for one of the kids?? He said she is good with the kids and kind towards them. With the way he approached this question, I don't think he'd be marrying her if she wasn't a good woman to have in the lives of his children. Putting children of any age above a spouse in the genre of examples given on this call is a good way to end a marriage or have unnecessary problems at the very least.
2 of them are grown ass adults and his wife doesn't want them to have to support them. It's a reasonable request on her part. I can't imagine marrying someone with kids who are in their mid twenties and them we keep sending them money each month? Wierd.
Is she married him or his resources? The reason I ask is because she wants him to fund a trip to Hawaii instead of paying for school. Two years is plenty of time to have these discussions, and to figure out exactly where each of the stands. It does not sound like they are on the same page whatsoever.
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
Yeah, no. When you marry someone, they are now an equal part of the family. They are now a parent who should have an equal say as a PARENT. If you can’t do that, then don’t get married. I am a child who had a step parent who was an equal part in my life. They disciplined and planned healthcare ALONGSIDE the parent. All parents need to be willing to accept that. It’s just bizarre to me when people get married and then don’t want the new parent to have a say in how the child is raised.
This is some what a falecy. Kids come before you...meaning I will go hungry so they can eat. But my wife and my marriage is first and foremost. I want to raise these kids with her and I can't do that if the marriage disintegrates due to lack of care.
I get what you’re saying, but all kids eventually do become adults. The condition where they’re the priority is temporary so I’m not sure it’s a good idea to structure your marriage around that idea…especially if the expectation/hope is that your marriage will be permanent.
@@Ronbarnoif my wife isn’t the mother to my children I disagree. Marriage before children makes sense when I know we ultimately as a couple will always have our kids best interest at heart. You shouldn’t assume your new spouse will always do that.
in this marriage, yes indeed, he IS a dad first. He had children with someone else, and for whatever reason that marriage failed, and she's coming in at a truly bad time for all of them. Grown children, 16 year old daughter, new wife. That's simply the truth of second marriages. And that 16 year old girl is not going to be thrilled with being bossed around by "dad's new wife". This man's walking a bad path...wait at least 4 years...and I'm going to say, as a woman, I already would have been having conversations with a man about the situation.
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It's a red flag that she wants to discuss if they will use their money to pay for a MASTER"S DEGREE for his kids? I understand wanting to help pay for an undergrad but ... a masters too??
All expectations or questions should be asked. My ex fiance literally said "now that we're getting married I can now afford to pay for my children's things & vacations" .... I ended the relationship. If he couldn't afford to pay on his own for his kids then he had no business getting married
It's not about putting the marriage above the children if married to someone not their parent. If I had a relationship with a person who was not a parent to my children, that relationship would have to benefit them too. If it doesn't, it's either the wrong person or the wrong time.
Maybe because I make my own money, I will not care if a man support his own children he had before meeting me. If I were a liability woman , maybe I will be like this woman. It is the man ‘s money, his children. He has all rights to support his children. His children will be his children forever, you his wife no guarantee. This woman is putting herself in a dangerous position to depend on this man. I blame the man, he went after a liability woman. She has not even married the man yet and she does not want the man to support his children. The man is not asking you for your money to support his children. He will regret when he marries this lady. She will drain his swamp. Why is this lady not working?
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
sounds like the guy got into a relationship before deciding what was important to him. because if they are about to get married and he doesnt know whether his wife or kids comes first... that is a problem. Only he can answer that question, and there isnt a right answer because it all depends on the situation.
I hope and pray he have a prenuptial, or a will for his children sake, he seems like he's a great father. You never know someone untill divorce or you pass away
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Wow. He should have discussed this with her before getting engaged, or soon after getting engaged, not two weeks before the wedding. As for her, she should have thought this through before dating a guy with kids of any age. Kids, and everything that comes with having them, don't magically disappear when they turn 18. It sounds like she thought they'd be out of the house and on their own very soon and she would have him, and his money, all to herself.
I wish these parents would be less selfish. Focus on being a father, which is a noble job already. Leave women alone if you can't provide what they need. Otherwise, you are selfish.
How about wife and children on the same level and we have to figure it out. I would never feel comfortable telling my wife that my kids are first, and the same telling my kids that my wife is first.
Pay for a masters? No. What about your retirement and your future with your wife? Those kids do not need all their education paid for they have no investment into it I don’t see this going well
Marriage with spouse comes first. When your kids are grown and out of the house hopefully, it’ll just be you and your spouse. Doesn’t mean you neglect or abuse the kids though. You still need to love and provide for them of course.
You know what, kudos to this guy for asking the question BEFORE the wedding. Like Delony says, so many people plan the wedding and almost no one plans the marriage.
How do you propose to someone and plan a wedding BEFORE you ask questions on the big issues. YIKES. Divorce number two for this dude with his head in the sand and his little gun elsewhere. He gives new meaning to not thinking with his brain even at his age.
Plans are already in motion, because they’ve had these discussions is just as irresponsible
yeah
He's asking because he wants to use their response as leverage against her. What man goes into a marriage asking about what if my 30+yo kids want to go to graduate school and I need to support them? Run lady Run. Let him figure out how to support his adult kids, and himself ... BY HIMSELF. He really only asked you to marry him after 2 years because he needs the extra income to support his enabling.
@@leabeauty837 Agreed and if things dont end will he will be in the DR's bittermen s club that is always blaming their wives in the comment section but never the mirror. Last time I checked we are free to marry whomever we want.
He should avoid getting remarried at this point.
Anyone divorced should be banned from getting married again.
After two years, I suspect this is more like a common law marriage already.
@mikemcconeghy4658 Not likely because most states do not have common law marriage.
Just don’t get married if you have to choose one on the marriage-first vs kids-first
Totally this!
Correct, he has no business ever marrying if kids come 1st. It's selfish for him to ask a spouse to be last
One of the primary reasons I would choose not to pursue a relationship with someone who has children stems from my past experiences. Having been in a relationship with a partner who had children, I found it to be particularly challenging. While I respect and admire the dedication required to be a parent, I realized that the dynamics of such relationships may not align with my personal needs and aspirations
I know marriages that broke up because the kids hated the step parent and ruined the marriage. It's not worth it.
Exactly. And that doesn't just apply when children are young and living in the home.
@@DawnKellyMediaor a bitter ex made the children hate the step parent.
Don't do it! It's the worst! Especially if you are a child free women yourself, then suddenly you have all the responsibility of a mother , but zero say in the running of your own home or life. And for nothing.
When you get married, the two become one. Being on the same page is crucial. She has every right to ask how things will go with THEIR finances. She could very well make more than him and have more disposable income! I would delay marriage until the direction is crystal clear. Ultimately the teen needs a stable home and does not need to be subjected to marital chaos.
lol If she made more than him. That occurs about 5% of the time.
@@godsdozerI literally lived this hell! It does happen. I'm childless & my ex fiance had 2 kids. I made more than him BEFORE the 25% of his income went to child support. He had the nerve to state I needed to help support & pay for his kids. If a single parent cannot take care of their kids then they have no business getting married, especially to a childless person ..
I think that if she makes more than he does, then she wouldn't be so concerned about the kids' grad school plans preventing her and her future husband going to Hawaii. Unless, she's the type who expects the man to pay for everything while she hoards her income because that's "her money."
@godsdozer you must not know alot of high earning women then.
@rebekah.2187 not necessarily. She could have more disposable income and he could say, well all my money is going to finance the adult kids' education (and obviously the teen) and whatever you make we'll live off of😂. I've seen that!
If I ever were plagued with a situation where I could re-marry, I just wouldn't. I'll become a hermit while making sure my kids are taken care of and that's that.
Same here. Most single guys my age are been there, done that, over it.
Dear caller - you know damn well you would throw a fit if your fiance didn't put you 1st, so you need to straight up tell your fiance you're sorry for miscommunication, however your kids will come 1st. You need to end the engagement and let her have an equal partner.
I lived through this same hellish nightmare with my now ex fiance!
He would not answer questions directly about expectations.
I'm childless.
He then started saying his kids come 1st. Well I refuse to be 2nd place in a marriage.
He also stated I needed to help pay for his kids. I refused & said if you can't afford to pay for the kids yourself then you have no business getting married.
If you are a single parent & want to put your "kids 1st" then please tell people upfront & just casually date. Learn to support yourself and don't ask single people to help clean up your mess!!! It's selfish.
Wise advice.
THIS!!
Good for you!
I am a single parent and completely agree with you. My child is 8 and I honestly have no intentions to marry or date again as I prioritize myself and my child. Getting into a secondary relationship can be successful, but it’s ALOT of work and conflicting priorities that most people don’t want to be honest about. So many single parents will sacrifice their kids wellbeing for a relationship and their selfish physical desires. It’s not fair to the kids and it’s not fair to any partner who is not on the same page.
Him actually asking if his wife should have a say is a huge red flag!
Yep..the answer should be an obvious NO
Lot of red flags on both sides with this call.
Yes, your spouse comes first. That doesn’t mean neglecting or abandoning your child, but you should treat your marriage is if you’ll grow old together whereas your children should form their own households as they become adults. The parent in this situation usually end up spoiling and even enabling both younger and older children out of guilt and cause issues with a step parent who sees that enabling is happening
But why is it 100% his obligation to pay for HER trip to Hawaii? Why doesn't she get a job and pay for the trip?
@@hudsonmilbank should the wife pay for a honeymoon?
The Bible says a man is supposed to be a provider.
If he can't afford to take care of his kids then he has no business getting married
As a child whose parents divorced I saw first hand what happens when the parent prioritizes their spouse above their children. Both my parents did this. The step children had more benefits than we did on both sides. Spoiled? Not even. My step dad physically abused use. Emotional too but the physical would have gotten him in trouble. They moved us to a tiny school with their church so the teachers wouldn’t report the abuse. My father moved his new wife and her children across the country and stopped contact for over a year. My mom was too busy taking care of my mentally disturbed step brother and tutoring him through school to pay any attention to us. She particularly hated me as I reminded her of my father. If you discard your children when you get married - you deserve to be alone with your new chosen family for the rest of your life. Do not think to pull emotional guilt nonsense when you are old. You get what you deserve. I am NC with step dad, mom died a terrible painful death following ten years of much deserved suffering, and dad is LC by his own choice. Remember he opted to go NC for over a year when I was a teenager and leave us to be neglected and abused. My mom used that “prioritize your spouse “ crap as an excuse for her bad behavior. She so righteously deserved the pain she was in and step dada deserved to have to care for her. Horrible excuses for Christians.
@@BusArch42 that is entirely different, your mom is at fault for not picking a non-abusive partner.
The point is that a strong healthy relationship between the adults is important for the relationship to survive, especially when other children are involved.
The marriage is like the foundation of the house. If the foundation breaks, then so does the entire house
As someone who was put in this position as a kid. A kid should not be forced to view or respect someone who they don’t want in their lives. Kids have no control over who their parents start dating (and they shouldn’t) but unfortunately that leads to a ton of situations of parents saying well I want to be with this person so I guess you are gonna have to live with it.
Agreed. Wife and husband come before the kids. Imagine if she had kids and you had the responsibility of them while your wife was gone, but you couldn't discipline them in any way because "they are not your kids."
This
As a babysitter and nanny this baffles me. So people hire me and I can put their kid in time out, but you marry someone and they can't put your kid in time out?
Call it off. Neither one of them is ready.
As a guy with no kids who married and divorced a single mom, I say the best chance at a successful new relationship is for people with kids to only date other people who also have kids à la Brady Bunch style. At least that way there, hopefully, is understanding on both sides when it comes to the kids and their needs.
One of the reasons I married my wife because she did not have any kids nor was ever married. Single parents date other single parents.
But he doesn’t have kids, he has adults
@@WaweruN.Gatimuhow has that been for you two? Is she a natural mom? I’m sure some adjustments had to be made.
@@reese85 but they'll always be "kids" in this context. What if they have to move back home? Or need money? The person without kids, of any age, may not be as understanding as a parent.
Obliviously they would always be his kids but their adults. The wife comes 1st and if they have to move back in which they shouldn’t once they out. You gotta put a limit to how long they can stay as get back on their feet cuz there adults
Guessing this was a question they should have discussed in marriage counseling before tying the knot
They are not yet married …
If you had listened you would know that they are not married yet..
Ken just saved this guys future if the caller listened.
Caller has good questions but clearly putting your kids before your wife/marriage is indeed a mistake. It will end in divorce.
I don't understand people who get married and then tell their spouse that they have no say over the children. Why did you get married then?If they aren't good enough to help raise you children, then why did you allow them into your life?
You're just saying that because he's a man. Women always put kids before their love interest and society expects it to be that way. Why is it different for a man?
@@strangeroamer3219 It isn't. I don't know where in my statement I stated a bias towards men. Is this maybe your own bias speaking?
The caller should end the engagement.
Can we just talk about and acknowledge Jade’s hair???? GORGEOUS!!! Slaying all day!!!! Ok, now we can go back to the regular program topic ❤😂😊
Fair he wants to be a dad first, but then he has no business getting married.
If a single/divorced parent who will always put his/her adult children first wants to marry, he/she should make it crystal clear to a prospective spouse that he/she will never be a priority.
This parent will die alone as the children get their own lives
From the child's perspective :
You don't want to have to call the Police to see your ailing or dying parent because the new(er) spouse will not allow you to see them.
Finances are between you & your spouse. Your spouse has say on who, what, where, when and how you spend OUR money. Your money & your spouse money equals OUR money. Adult children need jobs and boundaries. They need to plan & prepare for life after college. Helping & enabling is 2 different things. 16 yr old, it is ok to pay child support & for necessities but you also have prepare child to be adult including part time job. Transition child from being 100% dependent on your finances.
We need more info. Can this man afford everything on his own?
All expectations or questions should be asked before marriage
My ex fiance literally said "now that we're getting married I can now afford to pay for my children's things & vacations" .... I ended the relationship. If he couldn't afford to pay on his own for his kids then he had no business getting married!!!
The soon to be wife needs to run long and hard from this situation.
A great error of our time is that folks don't even know to get all these issues worked out BEFORE engagement.
Wait until the youngest is 18. To me while marriage is HIGH, HIGH up there, children are up there too. If their adult it's different.
So set up a yearly buget or a 5 year buget. How much money will you budget for each child. She has a right to know that half your money is going to the kids or not.
dating someone with kid(s) that aren't your own can be a very tough relationship. much respect to anyone who's successfully done it and still happily married afterwards.
It's disgusting & selfish of that man to ask his soon to be wife to be lesser than him & his kid's
He has no business EVER marrying. One day he'll wake up & his kids will be gone living their own lives, with their own spouse, while he's left ALONE! that's what happens when you put kids 1st! Look up the statistics of elderly single men dying alone in nursing homes ...
The man has doubts and he knows it. Never marry if you have any doubts or gut feelings.
They're college aged the two oldest ones. And the 16 year old is practically grown. He made them sound like little kids at the beginning.
Doesn't matter. His kids are his kids
Exactly. He's making his partner sacrifice cos he's out there trying to buy love from these adults.
@@ajuisterenabling because of his guilt. They need to grow
New wife first. If she is not, she must leave him. she can do better
Yes, she's marrying into the family, but he also has to treat her like an equal member of that family. Of course she has a say where their money goes.
Jade! Your hair is stunning!! Love it!
Tje wife has say on how tje family finances are spent, the behaviors within her house, and some level of shared time.
First comes God, then spouse, then kids, then friends and family.
Amen to that!!! 🙌💖🎉🎉🎉
Kids were there first.
In a traditional family scenario yes. But if your wife isn’t the mother to your kids and you aren’t having any new ones, I would amend that.
hm.. and what about parents?
Naw…
I don’t understand why people with kids re-marry? There is no need to marry again if you have kids. Just dedicate your whole life to your kids and live alone. Hopefully those kids will be there for you when you get old.
No, it's NOT the wrong thing to say he's a dad first. I mean, could you imagine of a woman said to Ramsey 'is it wrong to say I'm a Mom first...' what do you think he would say? His kids have a mother and it's not the new wife. She should have no say over how he raises his kids. None. Zero. Zip. And she sounds like a gold digger doesn't want him spending money on his kids and wants it spent on her. He should cut her loose. And if he does not, get a prenup.
I think if the person marries, that partnership is stronger and more intimate than the bond between parent and child. Hence they need to be aligned more closely on how to raise the children before marriage.
@@SamOwenI You're insane. My children are me - they are my flesh and blood. A woman can leave you at any time.
@@michaelpalumbo4880yeah I was baffled when I heard them say marriage>children. You can divorce your partner, you cannot divorce your children. Children also rely on you far more than your partner does
Normally I would agree that the kids come 1st but those ain’t kids, there adults and when you married someone who has children already. Your accepting them as your own, so they would also become her children
She does have a say over his spend as his wife. To say she doesn’t is ridiculous. They’re married and financially tied
Actually, he's a DAD FIRST if these are his kids biologically
This stepmom coming into the picture is a STRANGER to them, she's NOT their REAL mom
The real dad to these kids needs to step up to the plate and set reasonable boundaries simply because she's NOT their REAL mom
Of course she may have some reasonable say within a certain boundary, but she SHOULDN'T OVERSTEP BOUNDARIES
If he's a Dad 1st then he has no business getting married
It's not a real marriage then if your spouse is 2nd fiddle, 2nd class citizen
It's selfish of that man to ask a woman to be less than
You sound like the typical high conclude bio mom.
Best comment I have ever seen on this topic..so called "step" parents ARE NOT REAL PARENTS and children are right to give them a hard time
@@0annonymoushigh conflict, spiteful bio mom alert 🙄
In that case, stay single! It's that simple.
Hopefully Dad isn't planning on handing out money to his grown children for their entire lives and not giving them the opportunity to stand on their own feet.
Married my wife who had kids. It took time, but the spouse has just as much say over step kids. How I handled things was to set them up for success so they wouldn't buckle when facing challenges. Both are now getting college debt free and living on their own. Set those to whom you are responsible up for success
You're a lucky man, she sounds AMAZING! my ex fiance said his kids come 1st & allowed them to call me names & pretend to hit me. He never enforced I be respected so I left the relationship. I wish yall the best, God bless 🙏
My stepmother completely brainwashed my father against his children. Our family blew up. I left home at 15 and didn't see my Dad again until after she died. I am anti-wicked stepmothers.
There are bad eggs. But there are also bad single dads that pray on women without kids.
I guess you saw it. So you know it's true. Some bio mother's can spin lies.
@@janebaker4912 the concept of stepparents in general is wrong, if your marriage ends, it ends. I am anti remarriage if kids are involved
@@janebaker4912 My mother died a year after the divorce and my stepmother made our life a living hell. She wanted my Dad, not the kids.
@9liveslisa that's sad. Do you put blame on your dad as well?
Spouses can come and go. Mine did. Your kids will always be your kids.
I agree!!!
You should never have another "spouse" if your kids come 1st.
You should just causally date
Don't drag other people into the disfunction
@@juicysmith38235Don't casually date either. You don't really have anything to offer.
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man
I feel like in every relationship, there’s one that’s lucky to have the other. The other person has the power to decide. The lucky one can leave, but if the one in power knows they can find a replacement, then that’s not a threat.
Waiting until the wedding is a few weeks out to ponder this or discuss this???
Marriage first. On board with child stuff, money stuff. Otherwise, won't work. All that stuff needs to be talked over & agreed to or no wedding
Do not marry into multiple children partner, this is difficult, you have to die to yourself completely and yes it will ALWAYS BE UNFAIR TO YOU! I don't know why anyone would choose to do so honestly, don't take burden on yourself that you dont have to, THERE ARE ENOUGH SINGLE PEOPLE TO MARY OUT THERE!!!!! )))))
I think his little head has been doing all the thinking and the big head just caught up.
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The new wife comes before the college kids, but not before the 16 year old. Wait until that one is out of the home.
Jade hair is on fire!
Yes that style looks fantastic on her❤
I would say an equal say, in everything that would conceivably be a mutual decision.
This is why I would never remarry if my husband died. I know I could never put a 2nd husband before my 3 children and that wouldnt be a real marriage.
Wow Thank you ma'am for realizing this! So many want fake marriages where the new spouse pays for the sins of the other. No one should be treated as a 2nd class citizen in a marriage. God bless 🙏
Your child will always be your child, your spouse may not always be your spouse. After 31 years we still put our children 1st, but we raised good kids so we don't come to blows hardly ever.
Nope
After 31 years we still put our children 1st,.....do u both have kids from prior relationships??
Oops!! Wrong order!!
Wrong
Spouse and self 1st, then children. Every therapist and marriage counselor I’ve met with or listened to said the same. Without the strong marriage and self, the kids suffer. You and spouse are the foundation.
Because the spouse may not always be your spouse is a reason it should come first. It’s more liable to fracture.
If there is an issue with ADULT kids, coming into this picture RUN. I had a coworker who CONSTANTLY complained about his 37yo ADULT, unemployed, step son who wouldn't move out and the biological Mother wouldn't make him. I was 5 years older than his step-son, had a home and never asked my parents for a dime after I got married at 22 yo. So... yep. If his kids can't live independently.... DO NOT MARRY THAT MAN. Let him raise his kids, with HIS money, and nothing is wrong with dating.....
I know this type of guy.
He's spineless and is scared to a "fight" with any woman. Specifically a woman he is dating. They fold immediately and never address an issue. They have an irrational fear that if they stand up for themselves and lead, it means the lady he's with will leave. Ive seen so many of these relationships. They almost always fail.
I mean did you guys hear the fear in his voice when they mentioned pushing the date back or how he was terrified to even mention this issue? He would rather avoid an arguement now and just hope it magically disappears.
I was engaged to this type of man. He purposely evaded questions bc he knew I would leave him. He knew I wasn't willing to help pay for his kids yet he wanted to still keep me ... have his cake & eat it too, well after finally getting the truth from him I left !!! I refuse to be treated as a 2nd class citizen in a marriage & slave away to support his kids 😤
Your youngest is 16. Just wait until she is out of the house. Don't bring tension around her during these critical years. If she has to compete for your attention in the home, it leaves lasting scars.
Well said, Ken and Jade!
Pay for a masters? No. What about your retirement and your future with your wife? Those kids do not need all their education paid for they have no investment into it. I can’t believe that he’s even considering that and I commented this and I’m adding this on even before the end when Ken said what he said.
I don’t see this going well
We have absolutely no idea on their financial situation.
Also, in terms of "retirement" the wife brought up going to Hawaii instead of helping his kids with schooling which means that there goes your retirement argument.
Disagree. His responsibility to his children doesn't magically disappear just because she doesn't like it.
I agree!! Who said parents are obligated to pay for masters? Mine didn't, & they don't pay for my doctorate either 😅
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man
If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
She will only have the authority you give her. Kids can and will mess up anything for you
Don't get re-married while you have teenagers - they can't really handle it. My father remarried when I was 16 (my siblings were 14 and 12). At that point, I lost my father because he became part of this impenetrable unit. I couldn't talk to him without my stepmother present and it severely hindered our relationship. My stepmother never had children and there was a lot she didn't understand. We were ALWAYS wrong and she was ALWAYS right. That's going too far - we felt abandoned but actually we were trapped because we lived with them, walking on eggshells all the time. This does nothing to teach a child how to handle situations because they feel they lose every time. This continued for 25 years when I stopped talking to them because there was nothing but constant criticism ... and I was the GOOD kid out of the 3 of us!
what limit them is the financial situation if either of them have enough the vacation or paying for the masters degree wont be an issues since its not about hate or she dislike his children's ............so they have to discuss on how deal with that
Two weeks….yo. Sir, find a way to delay this. Ken and Jade are right, hit the brakes and get on the same page with your lady before you tie the knot.
This is a rough one. He called the Ramsey show because he is wondering (which didn't come through clear enough) if he should be able to make financial decisions for his kids that his new wife disagrees with because they are only his biologically. The examples tilted towards how much help to give kids that are grown up and out of the house. It seems reasonable that she would have input into things like is a grown adult able to move back in anytime they want because things got difficult? Should we spend money on a vacation or on a masters degree for one of the kids?? He said she is good with the kids and kind towards them. With the way he approached this question, I don't think he'd be marrying her if she wasn't a good woman to have in the lives of his children. Putting children of any age above a spouse in the genre of examples given on this call is a good way to end a marriage or have unnecessary problems at the very least.
2 of them are grown ass adults and his wife doesn't want them to have to support them. It's a reasonable request on her part. I can't imagine marrying someone with kids who are in their mid twenties and them we keep sending them money each month? Wierd.
Is she married him or his resources? The reason I ask is because she wants him to fund a trip to Hawaii instead of paying for school.
Two years is plenty of time to have these discussions, and to figure out exactly where each of the stands. It does not sound like they are on the same page whatsoever.
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man
If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
Not sure why this man wants to remarry as it’s clear he has doubts. Plus he already has kids.
Being a parent first is never the wrong answer. He can always meet someone else but his daughter is always going to be his daughter for life
Being "Parent first" is for single parents. No disrespect, I was raised by a single parent
Yeah, no. When you marry someone, they are now an equal part of the family. They are now a parent who should have an equal say as a PARENT. If you can’t do that, then don’t get married. I am a child who had a step parent who was an equal part in my life. They disciplined and planned healthcare ALONGSIDE the parent. All parents need to be willing to accept that. It’s just bizarre to me when people get married and then don’t want the new parent to have a say in how the child is raised.
What do you mean by, "they planned healthcare.".
Divorced people are broken. This won’t work. Anyone divorced should never remarry. It’s wrong.
Kids definitely before marriage if they are under 18. You cant (or at least certainly shouldnt) divorce your kids
This is some what a falecy. Kids come before you...meaning I will go hungry so they can eat. But my wife and my marriage is first and foremost. I want to raise these kids with her and I can't do that if the marriage disintegrates due to lack of care.
I get what you’re saying, but all kids eventually do become adults. The condition where they’re the priority is temporary so I’m not sure it’s a good idea to structure your marriage around that idea…especially if the expectation/hope is that your marriage will be permanent.
Husbands and wives should always be One, kids can never come before the marriage. JMJ God is good.
@@Ronbarnoif my wife isn’t the mother to my children I disagree. Marriage before children makes sense when I know we ultimately as a couple will always have our kids best interest at heart. You shouldn’t assume your new spouse will always do that.
@@Bebopvicious00Kids are also going to grow up, move on, and start families of their own. Your spouse is going to be there for you until the end.
in this marriage, yes indeed, he IS a dad first. He had children with someone else, and for whatever reason that marriage failed, and she's coming in at a truly bad time for all of them. Grown children, 16 year old daughter, new wife. That's simply the truth of second marriages. And that 16 year old girl is not going to be thrilled with being bossed around by "dad's new wife". This man's walking a bad path...wait at least 4 years...and I'm going to say, as a woman, I already would have been having conversations with a man about the situation.
I think he should call off the wedding.
Oh wow! He felt like he had to remind his cohost that it’s “The Ramsey” show! Tacky!!!
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He needs to call Dr John Delony’s shoe!
Both of the hosts were like “ ummmmm..”
So she doesn’t want him paying for the kids college education?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's a red flag that she wants to discuss if they will use their money to pay for a MASTER"S DEGREE for his kids? I understand wanting to help pay for an undergrad but ... a masters too??
All expectations or questions should be asked.
My ex fiance literally said "now that we're getting married I can now afford to pay for my children's things & vacations" .... I ended the relationship. If he couldn't afford to pay on his own for his kids then he had no business getting married
Cap. Neither one of you would postpone your already scheduled wedding. It's easy to say when it isn't you
It's not about putting the marriage above the children if married to someone not their parent. If I had a relationship with a person who was not a parent to my children, that relationship would have to benefit them too. If it doesn't, it's either the wrong person or the wrong time.
IMO this relationship will not go well. Don't get married. It will get worse.
Maybe because I make my own money, I will not care if a man support his own children he had before meeting me. If I were a liability woman , maybe I will be like this woman. It is the man ‘s money, his children. He has all rights to support his children. His children will be his children forever, you his wife no guarantee. This woman is putting herself in a dangerous position to depend on this man. I blame the man, he went after a liability woman. She has not even married the man yet and she does not want the man to support his children. The man is not asking you for your money to support his children. He will regret when he marries this lady. She will drain his swamp. Why is this lady not working?
A new wife should NEVER have to pay for the sins of the man
If he cannot afford to pay for his kids & additional funds for his marriage, then he has no business getting married
sounds like the guy got into a relationship before deciding what was important to him. because if they are about to get married and he doesnt know whether his wife or kids comes first... that is a problem. Only he can answer that question, and there isnt a right answer because it all depends on the situation.
Kids first for me, and I am happy to live alone for the rest of my life if that's a problem.
He needs to postpone the marriage until the youngest is grown.
I hope and pray he have a prenuptial, or a will for his children sake, he seems like he's a great father. You never know someone untill divorce or you pass away
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. Mistake #1.... Getting married
Second marriages have a high failure rate and step children are a big reason why. Or you could say step parents are a big reason why.
Wow. He should have discussed this with her before getting engaged, or soon after getting engaged, not two weeks before the wedding. As for her, she should have thought this through before dating a guy with kids of any age. Kids, and everything that comes with having them, don't magically disappear when they turn 18. It sounds like she thought they'd be out of the house and on their own very soon and she would have him, and his money, all to herself.
I wish these parents would be less selfish.
Focus on being a father, which is a noble job already. Leave women alone if you can't provide what they need. Otherwise, you are selfish.
Ken went to Long John Silver’s for Lunch…had 5 pieces of Fish, 3 pieces of Chicken and 1 pound of Coleslaw
There is absolutely no reason to not use a marriage counselor. They are worth the cost/in money, time, effort, etc.
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This is why people with kids should not remarry. There are always divided loyalties.
He's a dad first. Where the single moms at?
The woman does not want these kids.
How about wife and children on the same level and we have to figure it out. I would never feel comfortable telling my wife that my kids are first, and the same telling my kids that my wife is first.
Pay for a masters? No. What about your retirement and your future with your wife? Those kids do not need all their education paid for they have no investment into it
I don’t see this going well
And that is what she is asking about.
SHe just wants to know what their future looks like.