I made this mistake 17 years ago. I was the savior and married someone I thought needed saving and I thought I could save her. After 15 years of marriage it ended badly. Well, given that the past is gone and I can't change it, I am grateful to learn this lesson later rather than never. As always thank you Dr. Conte!
No one else can make you happy because only you know what that looks like. If you're asking someone else to "fix" you or your problems, you're asking for something they can never accomplish. It only leads to bitterness and resentment all around.
Yeah. I knew someone that was like this towards me. The thing is I never asked. She would get mad at me for not accepting her help. I was never attracted to her. She would cling to me and overstep my boundaries. I was clear with her. "No means no." She wouldn't leave me alone! She would criticize everything I did even the good things were not good enough. She was desperate to be involved in my life and fix me to how she wanted me to be. I told her No! Leave me alone. She did want to babysit me. She was disrespecting me. I did not want that type of relationship. Yes! She gave a lot of unsolicited advice. She chose me. She wanted to save me. I think i was being reasonable because i said no. She did not want to respect my boundaries. She would demand that i tell her about my life. I yelled at her and said. "No i don't want you in my life. I don't trust you " she didn't care. She was adamant that i needed her. She wanted to position herself as my savior. Even when i already did something it wasnt good for her because she wasn't the one that did it. She wasn't the one that saved .e so she wasn't actually happy.
This is absolutely accurate. I got into a relationship with someone after my divorce and he was the “savior.” All went well until I healed from my trauma then he didn’t need me anymore and was onto the next person who just got out of a miserable relationship. Some people are addicted to this behavior and it prevents them from having normal relationships with people. He had a lot of childhood trauma that likely was the root cause. A warning to anyone who finds someone during a vulnerable time and they seem “too interested” then it can be a red flag.
Hi Dr. Conte, I utilize your videos in my Anger Management class. The adult students love your direct, clear, and mindful approach to emotional wellness. Thank you for investing in our mental health and shining a light on how everyone, regardless of what they have done, deserves support to change for the better. Appreciate you!
Its interesting when you arent trying/wanting to "save" anyone but it ends up turning into that and it is exhausting. Waiting too long for them to get "fixed" This is a great video
What a great video. I married my husband thinking there were parts of him I could change. It took years of great difficulty to realize how futile this was. We were both from very broken backgrounds, and I think for that reason, we’re attracted to each other. Hundreds of hours of therapy, and intense work on both of our parts, we are now in a good place, more accepting of each other, and with healthy dynamics, and married now 47 years. Wish I would have seen this video earlier in our relationship. It might have saved us some anguish. Thanks for your education and information. You are doing a great service
I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm trying to get myself better understanding who I am and to be a better person I am not perfect and I don't want to be perfect I read self-help books trying to find what doesn't work for me in a real relationship and how I can change it I've been reading books from coach Mike Bayer but I can always need more advice more ideas to work on myself before I walk into another relationship I've been hurt so many times and I'm so sick of it so I stick to myself and work on my relationship with myself
I ended up in a completely failed arranged marriage in 2015 because of trying to make my mother happy which wasn’t the right way to go about doing things.
i got in touch with my childhood friend after a decade. after listening his complains and help him. he still the same childish inmature narcosist selfish. dont waste your time and money with them. they need to change theirself
How can I talk with you personally about my 31 year old Son ? Not knowing how to help him is killing me. And I miss him and my Granddaughters. I watch all your videos and send many to my ex-wife. I search everywhere for a direction to help. Thank You for all the Great videos
You sound like you are suffering. Kudos for trying to help your son. I was very alienated from my father as a young man. In my 30s when my dad got sick we finally connected, he ended his life living with me, there was a lot of love in our house those last years. Made up for the bad times so don't give up!
I don't mean to question your wisdom, but I'm confused, if I can't help my partner, do I decide not to help them? If I don't help them, they still won't need me because I can't give them something they need me for. So how exactly do I prevent this in a "moral" way, because just declining to help just seems rude.
Yes, what TH-cam University said in reply to your question is 100% accurate. This is not about not helping your partner, it's about not trying to be the hero so that your partner in turn "owes" you. Of course in a healthy relationship partners are helpful for each other. What I see all too often are cases where people want to swoop in and be the hero, then become manipulative and controlling because they believe their partner now "owes" them. I hope this helps. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Some people enter relationships to manipulate and use others. Some people are professional victims that cause savior relationship. It’s a set up 😢they never cared about you.
The other person is struggling because that is how that person lives. So if you get involved. They will simply drag you down with them! Stay away! Everyone already knows this, except you! www.menindistress.org
Let Hollywood cancel every Disney and Romcom movies 💔🎥🤫great video Agreed U cannot want more for the person than they want for themselves Signed Recruiter 😉😁
Thank you for addressing this! This has been a subject that comes up for me in all areas of my life, including friendships, mentoring relationships and work relationships. The term that I have been using is "special relationships" and as I think about, this can also include savior relationships with an ideology, technology, etc. Ultimately, this has lead to me being more intentional about being aware of the potential for that dynamic beginning to happen. Thank you for the work you do Dr. Conte!
Wow! When the patient gets well the family gets sick!! Good information!!
I made this mistake 17 years ago. I was the savior and married someone I thought needed saving and I thought I could save her. After 15 years of marriage it ended badly. Well, given that the past is gone and I can't change it, I am grateful to learn this lesson later rather than never.
As always thank you Dr. Conte!
I share the same story 😢.
No one else can make you happy because only you know what that looks like. If you're asking someone else to "fix" you or your problems, you're asking for something they can never accomplish. It only leads to bitterness and resentment all around.
We all have roles. prioritize.
Yeah. I knew someone that was like this towards me. The thing is I never asked. She would get mad at me for not accepting her help. I was never attracted to her. She would cling to me and overstep my boundaries. I was clear with her. "No means no." She wouldn't leave me alone! She would criticize everything I did even the good things were not good enough. She was desperate to be involved in my life and fix me to how she wanted me to be. I told her No! Leave me alone. She did want to babysit me. She was disrespecting me. I did not want that type of relationship. Yes! She gave a lot of unsolicited advice.
She chose me. She wanted to save me. I think i was being reasonable because i said no. She did not want to respect my boundaries. She would demand that i tell her about my life. I yelled at her and said. "No i don't want you in my life. I don't trust you " she didn't care. She was adamant that i needed her. She wanted to position herself as my savior. Even when i already did something it wasnt good for her because she wasn't the one that did it. She wasn't the one that saved .e so she wasn't actually happy.
Yeah I'm going through this too and you're totally right man. I'm done playing the hero it's not worth it to me anymore.
This is absolutely accurate. I got into a relationship with someone after my divorce and he was the “savior.” All went well until I healed from my trauma then he didn’t need me anymore and was onto the next person who just got out of a miserable relationship. Some people are addicted to this behavior and it prevents them from having normal relationships with people. He had a lot of childhood trauma that likely was the root cause. A warning to anyone who finds someone during a vulnerable time and they seem “too interested” then it can be a red flag.
Amazing words of wisdom, Doc. Was waiting for your latest video to drop. Thanks for sharing the knowledge!
Appreciate you a ton! Sending you much peace!
Hi Dr. Conte, I utilize your videos in my Anger Management class. The adult students love your direct, clear, and mindful approach to emotional wellness. Thank you for investing in our mental health and shining a light on how everyone, regardless of what they have done, deserves support to change for the better. Appreciate you!
Thank you Michele! Sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Always great to hear from you.
nobody can save, healed and change a person esp. in their past traumas except themselves.
I just Bought your latest book walking through anger and so far it is really informative
Its interesting when you arent trying/wanting to "save" anyone but it ends up turning into that and it is exhausting. Waiting too long for them to get "fixed" This is a great video
Excellent message. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you 🙏🏾
🙏🏼
What a great video. I married my husband thinking there were parts of him I could change. It took years of great difficulty to realize how futile this was. We were both from very broken backgrounds, and I think for that reason, we’re attracted to each other. Hundreds of hours of therapy, and intense work on both of our parts, we are now in a good place, more accepting of each other, and with healthy dynamics, and married now 47 years. Wish I would have seen this video earlier in our relationship. It might have saved us some anguish. Thanks for your education and information. You are doing a great service
Thank you! Definitely sending you much peace!
Thank you as always!
🙏🏼
I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm trying to get myself better understanding who I am and to be a better person I am not perfect and I don't want to be perfect I read self-help books trying to find what doesn't work for me in a real relationship and how I can change it I've been reading books from coach Mike Bayer but I can always need more advice more ideas to work on myself before I walk into another relationship I've been hurt so many times and I'm so sick of it so I stick to myself and work on my relationship with myself
I ended up in a completely failed arranged marriage in 2015 because of trying to make my mother happy which wasn’t the right way to go about doing things.
This reminds me of modern dog culture.
i got in touch with my childhood friend after a decade. after listening his complains and help him. he still the same childish inmature narcosist selfish. dont waste your time and money with them. they need to change theirself
How can I talk with you personally about my 31 year old Son ?
Not knowing how to help him is killing me. And I miss him and my Granddaughters. I watch all your videos and send many to my ex-wife.
I search everywhere for a direction to help. Thank You for all the Great videos
You sound like you are suffering. Kudos for trying to help your son. I was very alienated from my father as a young man. In my 30s when my dad got sick we finally connected, he ended his life living with me, there was a lot of love in our house those last years. Made up for the bad times so don't give up!
I don't mean to question your wisdom, but I'm confused, if I can't help my partner, do I decide not to help them? If I don't help them, they still won't need me because I can't give them something they need me for. So how exactly do I prevent this in a "moral" way, because just declining to help just seems rude.
It seems more like the idea's "there should be more in the relationship than trying to be a hero"
More to.
Yes, what TH-cam University said in reply to your question is 100% accurate. This is not about not helping your partner, it's about not trying to be the hero so that your partner in turn "owes" you. Of course in a healthy relationship partners are helpful for each other. What I see all too often are cases where people want to swoop in and be the hero, then become manipulative and controlling because they believe their partner now "owes" them. I hope this helps. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
Some people enter relationships to manipulate and use others. Some people are professional victims that cause savior relationship. It’s a set up 😢they never cared about you.
The other person is struggling because that is how that person lives. So if you get involved. They will simply drag you down with them! Stay away!
Everyone already knows this, except you! www.menindistress.org
_Amazing advice mate, this'll others greatly!_
Thank you! Sending you much peace!
@@DrChristianConte Hey, how'd you get into this Psychology?
So wise! Thank you ❤️
🙏🏼
Yup.
Let Hollywood cancel every Disney and Romcom movies 💔🎥🤫great video Agreed U cannot want more for the person than they want for themselves Signed Recruiter 😉😁
Thank you for addressing this! This has been a subject that comes up for me in all areas of my life, including friendships, mentoring relationships and work relationships. The term that I have been using is "special relationships" and as I think about, this can also include savior relationships with an ideology, technology, etc. Ultimately, this has lead to me being more intentional about being aware of the potential for that dynamic beginning to happen. Thank you for the work you do Dr. Conte!
Thank you so much, Mike. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!