The branching stream of consciousness thing, with the tangents, and the looping back to "checkpoints" when the tangents peter out? Agreed, it's a pretty keen insight into how the Autistic brain functions. I am very familiar with the thing of going so far down a rabbit hole of detail that I lose track of the point I was trying to make; so now I have a detailed, polished and refined piece of data, but what was it _for?_
@@ChloeMakesPuns Anymore,I just don't share them at all for the most part. Every now and then, when I'm around someone who gets it, I allow myself to do it just a little bit. As a treat. :(
Let's appreciate the fact that Orion is being himself, an autistic person, live and raw here! He's not reviewing stimming toys, he's not defending autistic people's behaviors or fashion sense, he's not explaining to YT why autistic people mask, he's BEING autistic for all to see, like it or not. The general public needs to see and recognize autism as just another way of life some are born into, not always a "disability" or handicap to be managed. Diversity is what makes us human.
This is terrifying. Your ranting, your mannerisms, everything is ME. Literally ME. It's so fun and expressive, emotional and serious-- passionate. I'm 28 and I've always doubted having autism (despite my sister, my brother, and my mother being diagnosed), I've chalked everything up to ADHD. I walked into this video expecting my doubts to be proven only to look at a mirror. I waited the entire video for the "surprise" only for me to think "when is it coming?" the entire way through. I don't see anything weird, strange, uncomfortable, whatever-- this is my everyday, 24/7 normal.
The primary difference is you kept on topic. I have ADHD and I would have forgotten everything I said ~45 seconds into talking, shifting into some other tangential rant that I think somehow relates to the topic I'm discussing. I have to discuss every detail, which includes other topics, the history, etymology of terms, where those terms come from historically, other words that utilize those terms so people have something to relate/cling to, etc. Otherwise, this is me to a T.
This is me too. It feels weird whenever I read of other peoples' experiences (like yours) because I am so used to being totally alone. It's hard to describe how it feels, but I guess it just feels good to remind myself that I'm not alone in this.
@@sakamotosan1887 I relate to that a lot. In our everyday lives it can be so rare to meet anyone who is even remotely similar to us in these ways. If we don't see videos or comments like these, we can end up going a very long time feeling like we are the only one who is this way... So it's a very weird but relieving feeling to know we are not actually the only one at all
Same. Same. I go into rants all the time, but only with very specific people. I've always felt the need to live by a set of rules when talking to everyone, and this video is making me realize that that isn't normal. Some people can actually just be themselves and not have to consider a million different unspoken rules. That's crazy to me. Must be nice to be them.
@@sakamotosan1887 its pretty average actually its only a disorder if it stop you from living extremely stop your from functioning like whiping your but or eating
Weird thing (or not weird because I am autistic) is, I find this entire video relatable, talking about my past and experiences would lead to endless rant and snapping and chaotic tangents. lol
I’m a 60 year old guy, late diagnosed with autism in my 50’s. I’ve masked all my life. I even gave a NT ‘friendly’ ‘authentic’ version of myself to friends and family post diagnoses. Recently maybe due to aging or simply lack of desire the mask is completely falling away. So now Ive relaxed into expressing myself unedited, un-curated, naturally awkward, unfiltered and vulnerable. I’ve just read your book Orion it really helped feeling connected to my ND self. Yet this unedited video today made me feel totally empathically connected to another on the spectrum that non of the books or videos on autism I’ve watched has. There’s room for more videos like this. It’s important we see and recognise our true autistic selves in others. Thank you.
Fifty myself, and just self-diagnosed by a friend who is a psychiatrist. Her husband thought that about me for years. She couldn’t “officially” say, as I’m not her patient, but it is enough to encourage me to get an official diagnosis. Currently they think I am schizophrenic and bipolar.
@@19MadMatt72 oh yeH bipolar how original. I was diagnosed as bipolar for 15 years as they just accepted the original passed around piece of paper until this year. In 2021 this smiling devil lady psychiatrist decided to test out schizophrenia medication on me. Like as if you couldnt actually spend time with me and ask me about my life and experience and what brings me here. For over $7000 billed to insurance ya cant even do that? Somebody anybody? Listen to the patient? No? Nobody? 15 years! Bobbleheads! Lazy! Ineffective! Not even trying! Torture pills that ravaged my body with intense pain. I HATE psychiatrists. They have the least ability to think for themselves or figure something out or investigate theyre like a toddler in an airplane cockpit pressing buttons
"Who would want to watch this?!" I would. Honestly I'm enjoying this unedited video. And I'm only 13 minutes into it. I love seeing this most honest version of yourself. It's also nice to see that there are other people who seemingly have a similar thought process as me. You just keep being you, amigo.
This actually is better than anything because it shows his raw self to Neurotypicals, so that they can see and learn how an Autistic people truly operates when not masking, filtering themselves, or pauses (for processing), stimming, stumbling on words, etc.edited out. Making it clear to them that not only is he looking at a camera and not into someones eyes, there is no pressure of conversation going on there. Also, he is in is controlled, safe space and this has a true example of "If he were to be out of that space, outside his home, surrounded by unpredictable circumstances, overwhelming smells, light, noises, etc, it would be a different story. This was also comforting to me, for several reasons. I didn't feel so alone, since seeing him unfiltered makes me feel more connected, and less alone in the rawness that I show and experience as an Autistic person. It was so real to watch the frustration and confusion that he was going through. Not just talking about, but demonstrating the struggles that we go through trying to reason and make sense out of certain things that hit us hard, the stress that it creates, and the struggles and extreme uncertainty, anxiousness, and frustration not knowing the right answer. This most important part of this video is what he displayed, not what he said.
@@owli-wankenobi3727 same as all of you. Love this as I feel so seen in ways no other human IRL has ever seen me as an ADHD/Austic older (50 ish) chica. This is HOW my brain works. I'm queen of tangents going speed of light minus one kind of thing. Oh special interest for me: Biology. BTW, da Vinci (sp?) is my role model. I get DEEP on anything that catches my eye. BTW, as of right now, I've been consuming these vidoes and research data the last weekend. Again, all of you, making me seen in ways I've NEVER seen before. Currently at the so many emotions stage as memories are coming fast these last few days as my life makes SO much sense. How did I go so unseen for so long?!
I felt pretty bad watching you repeat how noone would like or watch the video and that the video was crap because you were being yourself. You're not crap, youre interesting and youre incredibly impactful; and I'm "neurotypical" saying this. People on the internet can be rude and ridiculous generally, please don't let it impact your sense of self/creation too much. You're doing a great job on very important work 🧡
It makes me sad too. This is one of the favourite videos I've ever seen. Being unmasked and being who he is isn't crap or rubbish, it's wonderful. I'd love to see all ND creators do these unedited videos so we can see their neurodivergence to shine through. I love the energy and passion of this and I'd love to see more of it
@@gillb9222I agree that it isn't crap or rubbish, and it made me feel sad too. It was also good that he said that because that was part of him being raw. It makes us not feel so alone in our insecurities, low self esteem, and self criticism. Another important look at how an autistic person feels in vulnerable situations. Not masking and suppressing to appear confident.
Oh man, Orion. I watched every second. You sound just like me ranting on my special interest. Thank you. I don't feel alone anymore. I admire your courage. I could never unmask like that. Please never give up. You're doing so much good for all of us neurodivergent folk.
You said several atimes 'what's the point of this video?' Well, I can tell you exactly what the point is. The point is to show a person like me (36 forever single and very lonely) who doesn't live with any other autistic people that the experiences I live and breath are real and I'm not the only autistic person who feels it! Frustrated, ignored, misunderstood, and frazzled. Thank you Orion. Today I don't feel all alone x
A hug for you from a fellow 36yo, (now) forever single and perpetually alone. I shed a tear at your comment, because it was exactly what I was thinking and you vocalised it. Thankyou x
46 n single, just awaiting to hear back after assessment few days back, am mixed emotions n in two minds about possible results. much love n squidgies to all 💕
😳 love it 😅 my wife laughs when someone says your husband doesn’t seem autistic. Masked and internally edited and conversations rehearsed before I left the house. Congratulations on the first unedited unmasked video.
@@tihana13 Alas, no plan survives contact with neurotypicals. They always say something that you didn't plan for, then you have to both deal with the unexpected thing they said, and also that it _isn't in the plan!_ I honestly have no idea how they ever communicate anything to each other.
Hey! I don't usually comment on video's ever, but as someone who's autistic I completely understand your frustrations it's like people don't understand how hard just simple tasks can be overwhelming and yet they complain when you're openly talking about a disability. Take some time to yourself if you need it and I do appreiciate your content, I have sent your content to people close to me to explain things like meltdowns and how to support me best without me trying to word it, thank you. You are making a difference, I can't speak for everyone else, but I can speak for me :).
You can speak for me. Orion's videos have helped me beyond anything words can express. I've sent multiple videos of his to my colleagues and family because he puts everything into words people can understand and helps break down the stigma.
I told the school that my son went to that he does his absolute best trying to conform to your standards.. When he gets home.. hes done.. I'm not having him try to conform anymore.
Thank you SO much for doing this! As a late diagnosed autistic guy, I’ve been watching autistic videos on TH-cam for years, and seeing the final edited videos always made me feel inferior. I tried to make videos before, but it always seemed like I had to do a lot of editing to cut out a lot of unwanted things. Seeing you make a video, unmasked, unedited, it’s very similar to how my unedited audio was for my videos. I’m sure it was intimidating to get in front of the camera, knowing the final result would be unedited and unmasked, so thank you for overcoming that! This comment may be lost in the sea of TH-cam comments, but just know you’re making a positive difference for me personally, and for our community as a whole! Again, thank you!
I had the same reaction and I sort of feel shitty seeing a lot of autistic TH-camrs videos. It's like, I'm already autistic and now I have to feel like even among autistic people, I'm shit? Fuuuuuuck. It was nice seeing someone just let it out.
@@trashee973 I'm not sure if you're saying what I think you're saying. If you are, then you feel the same way that I often do when I watch many Autistic TH-camrs' videos. And it goes like this: "How do they manage so well? I wish I could do that! They seem so on top of everything, and they have so much great advice, so why do I still not manage to behave the way you're expected to behave in the normative neurotypical world?" If this is what you meant, I'm totally with you on that. If it isn't what you meant, I'll just have to admit that I'm being slow and somehow didn't understand what you were saying, and I know that is sometimes the case. Either way, thanks for sharing. :)
It is so frustrating not being able to please everyone. Sometimes we can’t please anyone. The frustration becomes anger. Try not to turn it onto yourself. Harder than it sounds, unfortunately.
I just wished every autistic people is as intellectual as you. I know of many autistics are just being ignored by people around. Most of them are not being sent to school rejected by most , misunderstood. You are amazing , you helped the autistic and none autistic understands the real nature. Understanding and acceptance.
@@sakamotosan1887 I hear you on that. I think we all need to give ourselves permission to allow ourselves some measure of grace, forgiveness, and self care. That takes practice. But it can help make life a little less miserable. Sometimes, a little less miserable can make the difference between coping and not coping, and stopping a self-hatred downward spiral. I talk big, but I too can wallow in self-hatred and misery with the best of us. It is all a process and I need to remind myself of that. Often.
Oh my goodness. Orion, this is *fire*. I love the unedited you, he makes me feel so much less alone, and so seen. I'm that weird autistic guy who does have a million hobbies, perhaps because the process of learning, itself, is a special interest? I live for the thrill of learning a new skill or bit o information, for those ah-hah moments. I'll throw myself into them with reckless abandon, learn all I want to know, and then move on to a new hobby or interest.
24:42 '...you're just treating your autistic partner or child like crap...' deep Orion, hit me right in the feels, thanks for speaking some hard truth.
Thank you for this. If your edited videos are for neurotypical viewers, then this one is for autistic viewers. This reminds me of myself after a day at work, trying to explain to my partner why I'm so agitated, by something I know most people wouldn't be bothered by. It's good to know I'm not alone.
Love letter to Orion: Orion, my dear, this is absolutely the BEST video you have ever made, and definitely not the worst (not that you have any “worst”). God love you (and this 83-year old woman does love you as well), this video made me laugh a lot, out loud, holding my stomach; rage a bit with you internally; and cry a bit, remembering and missing my brother, vexing and incredibly dear to me, who I think was so like you. He perhaps didn’t have as much of your priceless irritated humor, but otherwise, you were kindred spirits, with one major caveat. Whereas you and your brain and many of your expressions in life apparently travel at roughly twice the speed of sound 96-97% of the time, most of his manifestations of life traveled at approximately 0.0099% the speed of yours, comparison particularly valid when you are in your full unedited launch mode. He was noted in our family as the only soul on earth who took 45 minutes to an hour to peel and consume a banana, regardless of the operational speed of his brain at the time. Similarly, my children once reported to me that they had, unbeknownst to me, counted 45 chews of a bite of jello on my part. (Bob and I were nothing if not compulsively and obsessively thorough.) However, my being female as well as the younger sibling, I watched my brother operating in the world at the pace of a thoughtful and cantankerous snail, and I learned, beginning at about age 3, what not to do. He got all the crap for fearlessly and defiantly being his own person, whereas I have slid by under the radar for 80 unhappy years, being considered by others as the “normal” (albeit obnoxiously overly-dramatic) one, as I danced around and tried to fit into a world strange to us both, my not knowing in any way who the hell I was - or am, to this day, for that matter. I was fortunate to have been one of the few people, such as our mom and his own kids for instance, close to and completely accepting of him, even though he and I often fought like cats and dogs when we were kids (because he was, of course, my brother after all 🙂). It’s quite obvious to me that people have always thought we were very different. I am certain we appeared that way and acted differently in the world. But we weren’t different. It’s only that he was male autistic and I was female autistic. I loved him more dearly than I could ever love myself. I am extremely grateful to and fond of you as well, Orion, for your guts in releasing this personal, vulnerable and invaluable video. Mere words cannot express to the world out there what your video clearly and achingly demonstrates, giving it, to my mind, even greater value than your lovely painstakingly and painfully edited ones. Thank you for this selfless gift, especially to those of us yet (if ever) to receive a diagnosis. [See? Can’t stop either. Too many words… same worries: Who the heck wants to or will read THIS treatise ?!?]
This is how I talk when I'm unmasked and unfiltered and info dumping to the couple of folks who are super close to me. A combinaiton of excitement, stress, and intensity. Also, does anyone else enjoy a super long (2-6 hour) video that goes highly in depth into something you're interested in? I prefer those to 20 minute or less videos.
lol. Info dumping. I got this way ever since taking vyvanse for my ADD. You may say I’m being speedy, but I often think I’m on the spectrum because I literally can’t decide what to say and not to say which details rtc
A History of the world 20 minute video doesn't work for me. I like details, I don't like feeling shorted. As long as the subject matter moves forward, is interesting, and I can take breaks, I don't mind a long video.
Orion, as a highly masking autistic person, and one with so much imposter syndrome at that, I thank you so so much for this. This felt like my mind was placed in front of me and it brought me to tears. It was simultaneously so relieving to see someone else I can relate to speak in this way, and so frustrating that we as autistic people often have to conform to attempt to receive some level of support or even acceptance from society. I really appreciate you putting this video out there.
Omg, I don't know why but I never connected masking with imposter syndrome. I'm just discovering a lot of things, maybe I'm the only one on earth that hasn't made that connection, but such a huge light bulb just went off in my brain reading this comment.
@@jannettb7930 my clinically administered psychological tests confirmed me for ADHD and not autism, but HOLY COW DO I HAVE TO MASK ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME! My mindset for it used to be 100% imposter syndrome all the time when I was young, but eventually I managed to reframe it as camouflage; I am the hunter, and I have infiltrated the prey. They do not know what I REALLY am, but I made it! I'm here! And they can't stop me!
@@jannettb7930It's not just you! That concept took me awhile too, it's still odd and confounding to think about honestly. The mask, especially in high masking indiviuals, can become so very enmeshed in our perception of ourselves that it can be very difficult to disentangle it. Then it's compounded by the imput we receive from others! Unmasking, even if only when alone is so worth it! I imagine it's going to be an extremely lengthy process for many of us, but you're not alone! ❤
I have found it more and more difficult to maintain that mask as I get older. Now in my 50's, I just don't care anymore. This is me, I have no filter. It's all I can do to keep my strange autistic diet stable, and keep up with the wear and tear of life.
His frustration and despair is how it feels. Even though we’re trying so hard, pretending so hard, it feels like it’s never good enough. We’re never good enough. I love this video, but it took me about nine minutes to realize he was angry. I could feel the emotion, the intensity, but I couldn’t recognize it. That’s sad to me. After ten years of self-study, I thought I could recognize emotions better. Still, this was a great video. Exactly how I feel about not being able to be myself. It feels like a prison, one that I have to lock myself in. If I completely unmasked, I wouldn’t have conversations with anyone. I have little interest in people, asking questions, or answering questions. If I’m talking to you at all, I’m masking. BUT I'm lucky I can mask and do the things I want in life. I'm glad I can communicate, speak, learn to read body language, and get to know people's inner perspectives. That's interesting, sometimes. :)
I can't express how much it means to me to read comments like that! I don't really have the resources to get officially diagnosed, but I think I might try it anyway. I was just told that I'm a horrible person, a monster, a robot for not having enough interest about other peoples lives. What they do in their free time, just asking questions about... something. I never know what to ask, I'm just not that interested in other people. It's always been like this, I thought maybe I can learn that somehow... someday...? I don't make progress with that... I can mask, but most people will still notice that I'm uncomfortable in some way. Another reason I think I'm broken. I'm always uncomfortable around other people, even family, just way less than with strangers. I'm making a list with behaviours and symptoms I showed as a child and now. Knowing that all the stuff above (and way more stuff) could just be me being autistic is a perspective I never had. If other autistic people would not have commented so many things I experience, even though they seem wrong to NT people, I never would have thought about the possibility. I would've probably just brushed it of thinking: I'm just a bad person and can only relate this much to my officially diagnosed autistic neighbour, because I'm a little weird, that's it. Thanks, for sharing your perspective!
So recognizable for me... Neurotypical ppl telling me as an autistic person, to be not so autistic (but in a indirect way)... Frustrating, feeling misunderstood etc...
I believe it's incredibly helpful for people to see unedited videos like this, in order to understand how autism feels for you. It will help many to recognise themselves and to feel less alone. Thank you!
Ps what I heard in this video was sadness and frustration that you can’t just be yourself. I relate. Thanks for sharing and I know it was hard to say it and share it to so many people and that you made yourself very vulnerable here. Maybe that’s why you felt like you ran a marathon ❤
Lex5562, I felt this too, and it may be widely felt so thanks for putting this into words. I think it's important to honour our emotions and needs, then it makes it easier to take the next steps.
I just realized the edited neurotipical videos on TH-cam are breaking my autistic soul. Making me tense and bottled up. I'm only half way through yours and I've calmed down and started to think again. Please make more content like this for autistic people. Autistic people talking to autistic people.
I like how you explained how why Autistic can go on forever about a special interest but have so little to say about other “regular” things. I think I understand better now why I can be considered “shy”, but I’m not always-especially when I can talk about my special interests! I get it Thanks!
As an autistic ADHD person, I love watching this. It's awesome to see someone do what I'd love to be able to do. Unmasking is such a scary thought to me. Every time you said, "this is a horrible video," it reminded me of how I feel any time I even think of taking down the mask. This wasn't a horrible video, by the way. I'm loving it. You're so brave. I wish I could do this... Even with just one person. I just can't.
Brutal honesty Orion. Beast mode engaged against the trolls. Vent and then re-focus dude. Your work is greatly appreciated by those who really matter: the community.
As a high masking autistic person I found this refreshing to watch. This video shows that it s ok to be your natural self and real. Thankyou for sharing, I shall certainly be continuing to watch your videos. I think this is the best of your videos (and they re all good). Thankyou for allowing us the privilege to see your true authentic self. It’s given me the courage to start being my real and natural self.
I would watch a 35 minute video because.....I find learning about autism interesting 😂. So watching intros from an autistic person can be extremely informative.
This reminds me of myself trying to get an autism diagnosis... and being told over and over again by clinicians who (by their own admission) don't actually anything know about autism say I can't be autistic because of how articulate I am ...my special interest surrounds morality, *mental health*, and social justice/activism. I know a LOT about how my own brain works and I'm very articulate about myself when it comes to that because it's my fucking special interest. And when clinicians meet me, they're basically asking me a bunch of questions about my special interest, I'm going to rant like crazy, I'm going to have so much to say, I'm going to be "articulate" (which is a funny word they use because I bounce around topics and tangents like crazy, but whatever). Because this shit is what drives me, I can talk forever about what it means to me to live with C-PTSD, to live as a plural DID system (using I/me for simplicity here, it should be we/our, but we can't just talk as ourselves and be understood, in this way either), and what sorts of things we've done to heal, and what sort of things frustrate us, and discrimination we've faced, and how the world makes it so fucking hard. We can talk about that kind of thing for so long if someone gets us started, that doesn't mean we don't struggle in other ways (btw we're not diagnosed yet, but we've gone through an initial screening after finally getting a clinician that listens, and should be referred to someone who can do the full screening soon)
Thanks for this detailed comment. I've even worked teaching preschool age children with and without "special needs" and felt an unusual connection with them, being very drawn to them, feeling very intrigued to watch and listen extremely closely, and just knowing that in each case I would almost inevitably discover their special interests as a proposed sort of language that could possibly bridge the gap and help them to see someone can really see them. What I saw happen with many other teachers and assistants was that they had, at best, a list of behaviors they were tasked with "training them out of," or training them into on each child's IEP, and there was little to no interest shown as to what the child might be experiencing internally. (I was a teacher assistant in those roles and didn't have any detailed formal training in autism as it is now understood.) I could see how, in some cases, there were dangerous behaviors in a few kids, such as an urge to run off when teachers' backs were turned, or self injury, or disinterest in eating independently, etc. It was understandable that a certain amount of such training, if successful, was going to serve the children well. But, especially at recess, I was focused not only on their safety but on how to help them enjoy being outside and playing or singing, or practicing the repetitive things that seemed to give them relief and joy. I didn't understand how other teachers and assistants didn't do that very much. It also bothered me very much to think how much physical, mental and emotional energy it apparently took some kids to just be at school, sometimes getting shuffled around and made to do things they didn't seem to want to do sometimes. I've recently realized I am probably on the spectrum, myself, and that is probably why I felt such strong empathy towards autistic kids, especially since learning that autistic people have much better empathy and social success with other autistic people and that neurotypical people often struggle to truly empathize with autistic people. I was raised in a large, strict family and was constantly being trained. I had one brother with severe learning disabilities who I think is also undiagnosed autistic. He and I hung out together so much that when I started kindergarten, he was ar the front door every single day waiting for my bus to come drop me off. I've been recently diagnosed with cptsd, as well. After seeing my list of past traumas, the therapist asked me how I tended to cope, and specifically asked me if I dissociate. But I didn't have a very good understanding of what that feels like. Recently, I've remembered two instances in my childhood that when I was under extreme stress I remember kind of floating above myself and having the strange thought, "Oh, I'm THIS person," or generally feeling as I walked down a hallway at work that my feet didn't touch the ground. The more I think of it, I even think I am like this most mornings when I begin to wake up. I am in a different brain wave pattern for a while, as if still asleep, but walking around. So, yes I think I dissociate sometimes. Thinking about all that autistic children are pushed into, especially, it is easy to see how their minds may have to get very creative, to protect themselves from overwhelming experiences and often from very strong internal intellectual activity that can feel impossible to turn off, even if one wanted to. I usually dont want to, but my insomnia became my number one issue post cancer treatment a few years ago that was strong and lasted a full year. My mental health had become the biggest obstacle, but I've been getting great help recently. It matters so much to me that I finally found a group of very caring and well informed people to help. I still have circular stress dreams every night, though. I hope you are also finding good people who care and value you, too!!
Honestly that's such a giant red flag. If I sit in the diagnosis and my doc tells me something like, I couldn't be autistic cause I know how to articulate my struggles well, I'm just gonna stand up and leave right there.
OSDD collective here. Pretty much all of this is applicable to us as well. One of my special interests is also mental health. Forgot what I was about to say so I'll just say good luck. I hope you're able to get the diagnosis ☺️
Speaking as someone who is undiagnosed but pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. I have been looking at loads of videos where different people speak about autism. But just from watching you unmasked I have understood so much more about my own behaviour. Thank you for a great video........Actually I think this might be the best video on autism I have seen and I would love to see more of this kind of representation.
Orion, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for posting this unedited, honest, and vulnerable video. After watching it, age 63, I no longer have doubts that I am autistic, too. I fully expect people to doubt me. I became managing editor of a national technical trade magazine in my 20s with zero college, self trained on all kinds of software and was a single parent of two kids with ADHD, after marriage to someone with narcissistic personality disorder who warped my brain, heart and general life, dramatically. I got through it. I worked in a corporate level marketing job for 20 years, using noise canceling earphones and blasting brown noise loops in my ears to drown out competing thoughts and distractions, knowing that virtually everyone around me laughed at my expense behind my back (or just around the corner) because I cannot make eye contact when stressed, blush brightly and break out in hives when I feel that my intensity is overwhelming most people, etc. Constantly hypervigilant to inevitable mocking, needing to "hide" at lunchtime, eating alone in my car in order to simultaneously recover and go back in for five or ten more hours. Being the ONE person willing (and driven, mentally) to stick with a technical problem, say, in an intensely complex formatted Excel spreadsheet, while the socially adept and MUCH better paid colleagues went out drinking while I finished. Having all the pressure and they celebrated their glorious wins of multimillion dollar contracts. Dreading compulsory, unmotivated "motivational" social gatherings like most people dread walking the plank. Needing medication to suppress and deaden my intense social anxiety so I didn't lose the job my family depended on. Being 100 percent aware of what "appropriate" social behavior looks Iike in others, but no matter how I try, I have to escape after a max of a half hour of trying my best to do it. Hiding that I knew I always took too long to do things, and doing countless extra unpaid hours to hide and compensate. Knowing the end result was excellent, and I had learned even more. The list goes on. I know the world finds me too intense and wordy, so I hide and implode. Got cancer three years ago. Completely burned out. Having persistent circular stress dreams of getting literally lost and trying to find the person and the words to convey I need help. Your video here was like looking in the mirror. I respectfully and sincerely watched it to the end and burst into grateful, empathetic tears. For people Iike us, we totally understand what is palatable for others, but cannot get there without putting out our all in private and then privately and internally paring back down the experience to be "deliverable" for most others. Exhausting for our loved ones, at least equally exhausting and sad and lonely for us. WE NEED YOU doing exactly what you are doing, Orion!!!
Yes and yes and THANK YOU. This is so…well said. Just so damn well put. ❤️🩹 Reading this I feel…seen. Thank you… I am sitting in traffic, listening to Orion’s video, tears in my eyes, struggling every day, single late diagnosed mom of an AuDH daughter receiving NO help and no support but loads of NT pressure other. Thank you.
I’m wishing you the best 🧡 I hope you are now retired and working on your special interests, or that you have a job that doesn’t drain your energy and makes you feel safe.
*I love someone who is autistic. That’s why I started following you Orion. You are doing such an amazing job bro. Please remember that there are soooo many people who appreciate and respect you sir !* 🙂
I am married to an autistic man who has just begun to emerge from what has been 18 months of severe autistic burnout and formal diagnosis 6 months ago. He is kind, brilliant and no longer masking autism in his and now our lives. It has been an extraordinary change. I am learning slowly....as best I can, what his experiences are like. He asked me to watch this piece, Orion. I saw my husband, whom I love - in your willingness to be unmasked and in some ways, deeply authentic in this video. Thank you. As a neuro-typical human, I have so much to learn.
Thank you. You always appear so together that it is hard think of you and I as both being autistic. This shows how similar we really are. This is autism unmasked and real. If neurotypicals actually watched this and considered the toll spending an entire day trying to appear as "normal" as possible has on us, some might understand a bit of what it is like to try to survive in their world.
So important. And it’s mysterious what the implications are. I love my way of passionately communicating but it was hard-won if I think about it. I had people who loved me observe this way of being and tease me about how I should do TED talks so I could use my hands.
I actually really enjoy this "true" version! It reminds me that I don't have to wear a mask 24/7 and that they're people that accept an unmasked me (even if it's just one person in real life 😅).
That was the most relatable video I've ever watched. That ranty monologue that ebbs and flows, gets a bit lost, goes off on a tangent and comes full circle, is what goes on in my head, (and out of my mouth, complete with pacing around the house, when I'm alone) on a daily basis. Loved it ❤
Ooooh mate the frustration, I feel ya. The amount of time and effort i put in on a day to day basis trying to predict what is accepted by those around me and funnel myself through that lens. All while constantly regejcting common advice to "just be yourself"
God I feel so validated watching this, I always feel like I'm totally alien and strange trying to explain this subject sometimes and watching you just be yourself totally unmasked like this makes me feel 1000% better. I appreciate you putting this out despite how freaky and overwhelmingly critical content creation can be.
I love seeing in real time how you (like me) can seem vague and slow one moment then frustrated the next moment then amusing the next moment then incredibly become brilliantly articulate in a way that somehow makes everything that came before actually make perfect sense! Proving that all the other behaviors were important and real after all! That’s how it feels! I refuse to be ashamed of my passion and way of communicating. 26:15. Then 27:00 comes and I start crying.
Good on you for going unedited, as an autistic person myself it was like watching someone do a really accurate impression of me. Can see why you like to keep it tight for neurotypicals and for getting the information across that's relevant. Something like this every once in a while is great too. 👍🏻
same here, it’s so reassuring to see someone speak and act the way i do, i feel so much less alone and sort of guilty for it after always being reprimanded for ‘speaking too much’ etc. throughout my life
@@cmdrpanditt sound like a rough job. i vent to my boss all the time since we share common struggles. i hope you find peace and acceptance in yourself and please try therapy - it changed everything for me
As someone who recently self diagnosed, it's a relief to see so much of myself reflected in your speech patterns and mannerisms. I'm really glad to have found this video. It couldn't have been easy to make this video, but thank you!
This helped me understand why my parents always thought I was angry when I spoke. It was a number of things. Frustration or passion (positive or negative) mostly. But people's reactions led me to stifle my actual intensity and now I can't even express joy out loud.
people often mistook my frustration or passion as anger too, and it also impacted me being able to really express positive emotions, I've tried to reverse this since learning I'm autistic but it's not easy and I'm hoping eventually i can undo that damage and express myself fully again
These unedited videos are helping me enormously. Suddenly I understand why I have had so much difficulty dealing with people for so long. I talk like you and clearly people don't like me but I honestly didn't know why. Your explanation on another video starting with "the autistic brain sees a question and goes inside itself..." is literally the story of my life. I wrote the whole thing down word for word because suddenly I realize why talking to people (especially in contexts like talking to a doctor, talking at IP meetings etc.) is so awful for me and ends up pitting everyone against me and it's just an ongoing nightmare. I understand why you make the "jump cut" videos for neurotypicals but I really hope you will continue to make videos like this. I want to start an online art teaching business and I am freaked out about it because I don't think any students will like me but now I am thinking I should maybe do videos about art for neurodivergent people. Or maybe I will make videos for other neurodivergent parents of autistic kids on how to navigate all the minefields of dealing with the school and health/social services systems because wow do I ever have some war stories to tell.
@@ebethlouise2201 thanks so much for your encouragement! I worked my a$$ off on a business plan that got approved by a business startup program on starting an online art teaching business but I am finding it practically impossible to put my plan into motion without any structure. I don't know if it's demand avoidance, autism, or my ADHD, or what. I am looking for some sort of business development group to join to help me get going. Maybe I need a neurodivergent business development group or something ... If you have any ideas for me on teaching art to people on the spectrum, by all means let me know!
I get it, Orion, as being an autistic woman who got to know her authentic self only after 46 years of masking in life. Hats off for being that courageous in showing your vulnerability !! 🤘♥️
i talk like this when i talk to myself. ive learned (through repeated comments from supposed friends and family) that no one wants to hear what i have to say anyway so i just keep it in, i nod and smile at other people and then instead i rant to myself once im at home
Just me in my "wait wasn't this normal" moment. Nowadays people applaud me for how articulate I am, but they don't know how much effort and how many years of practice is hidden behind it.. and I still have moments when I freeze and my planned sentences scatter.
I’m 40. I received my diagnosis two months ago. This has been one of the most validating and reassuring videos i have experienced. Experiencing your discomfort has shown me that what i feel inside is real. More importantly being allowed to witness stemming and your physical movement through space is the real comfort. Thank you my friend. 17:39
Im so glad of hearing that. My biological father (dont want to call him warmly, we weren't ro close), still didn't get diagnose at his merely 50. Its really tough situation in Ukraine. I approved my diagnosis in Austria last year.
This demonstrates to any allistics the effort and time and energy that we have to put into advocating for ourselves, our families and our community. Please take some of that burden by showing your acceptance of our differences.
I really find this video very informative, raw, and real. I have been recently trying to do a lot of soul searching "finding out what is wrong with me" I hide so well. The only way I get anything out is poetry. But I have a hard time reading in public or on a video. So doing what you are doing. I have a gigantic amount of respect for you.
I am crying and laughing and then crying again. I am so in awe of you for pulling back the TH-cam “veil” of editing. Just amazing and incredibly brave. For me, menopause is dissolving whatever mask was left and everything is so raw. I see there are already hundreds of comments, but I hope you see this one, too. ❤️
I masked well enough to fly under the radar until menopause @ 37 & my life (paralyzing anxiety) fell apart. No one had answers. I saw autism awareness vid. 2 years ago & it was like being hit by a tidal wave! Still anxious but understanding is priceless.
@@stacinaturenuts9060 Thanks for your comment. I want to add: for anyone reading this and experiencing this kind of profound awake moment, it can be so disorienting and scary. You know who you can trust. Be honest with them. Lean on them. Ask for help. The brain can feel so raw as the re-assembling is happening. It will happen. I am seeing it for myself. But I know I can't do this alone and am leaning on my 3 people who I truly trust to help guide me back. Love to anyone else going through it. It is the Hero's Journey, my friends ❤
Oh girls, we might all be on the same page here! A couple of years of lockdown, and I'm not sure I mask effectively any more, to be truthful. People are more exhausting, but my alone time is more fulfilling. Stay well, everyone :)
This is my brain soooo often. This is why when you ask me a question I just look at you blankly, waiting for this monologue in my head to stop so I can think about an actual, appropriate, helpful answer. Thank you Ryan! Loved it!
I’ve realised the way you talk in this video is how I talk to myself in the mirror, I rant about the way the world is and I feel it’s so difficult to get things across to actual people! I really am proud of you for being able to unmask to this extent over a full video, it’s actually given me a confidence boost! We shouldn’t have to feel like we can’t be ourselves, One of my coping mechanisms for masking has always been putting myself into a Science Fictional Characters shoes and taking different aspects of my favourite characters from my favourite shows like Star Trek, Doctor Who, etc. nowerdays I find I am unmasking more and it’s content like yours that helps me to do so! You keep at it Orion! And don’t let people bring you down, you show them that us Autistic people are capable of amazing things!
I cant thank you enough for putting yourself out there for people like me. I’m a 50 year old, undiagnosed (gaslit at every turn) female who does NOT know how to be in this world anymore. I am NOT high or low functioning at all! I’m 100% non functioning and am sooo dam lost her in NH USA. Your videos teach me who I am with such clarity and is the only validation I get in my life these days! Seriously! THANK YOU!
So sorry the world has been so crap to you; I’ve only just got my Dx in the last few weeks after decades of rubbish Dxs, and I have to thank Orion bc his vids helped me gain the confidence to push for it again, and reconfirm I’m not the crazy one. I hope you can continue to find the right people to help open things up for you.
You're not alone in this, even though I'm sure that you feel like you are... I know that I do. I had a meltdown over losing my wallet AGAIN today. I'm 37 and sometimes I feel like quitting LIFE... I'm just so bad at it. I don't WANT to give up, but sometimes I feel like I don't have any other options.
@keatswaters3169 You hang in there, too. My friend had a saying for times like this: You can always poke a tomato to let the frustration out. That always made me laugh for some reason. I once lost my wallet twice in a week at the worst possible time, when I had moved with my young son to a faraway state due to a job transfer. BOTH times, a good Samaritan found it, figured out my address and phone and mailed it to me completely with all contents intact. It amazed me how sweet and kind and good some people still are. Take a breath and do something extra nice for yourself. My fingers are crossed that you will find the wallet, or get one you like even better. It might even lead to meeting someone new and kind. Best to you.
This is the video that made me subscribe. Edit: The self-conscious pauses to proccess made me want to be your friend. Thanks for your amazing work. Thanks for supporting the community.
The pauses were so relatable. I'll dump a fuck load of info out in a short period of time, then take a long break to process and figure out where I'm at, then dump a bunch of info out, etc etc
I watched this whole video, and to be honest I HAD to. I couldn't stop because it was like watching the goings on in my head. This was a lightbulb moment. I finally see what my closest friends and family see when interacting with me. Thank you for sharing this!
Orion, you have to forgive those ones that complain about the length of the intro. They have ADHD 😂😂😂😂 my daughter only has the attention span for shorts and TikTok’s. You are the best. If it helps, do the occasional raw one like this… then you get the balance, right? I think it’s good to get things off your chest. And I really value the info you share. And remember you aren’t working alone. You keep showing me new people to watch and blogs to read and I love that there are so many people working to raise awareness. ❤❤❤
I dunno though. I'm self dx for that and whilst repetitive long intros that aren't enjoyable get annoying, I do at least know how to skip them. There's at least a couple series I follow on here where I routinely scroll / click forwards / give the smart tv remote a couple of stabs past that part. Though maybe if they're used to only watching shorts, they don't expect there to be any ability to scrub back and forth? (I have to rewind a fair bit to catch things I miss first time too :p )
As an AuDHD person, I do agree, but not entirely. Like someone else said, you can always skip forward 10 seconds, skip to the bookmarks in the video, or increase the speed of the video. I usually skip past long intros or speed up videos where people talk slowly, no problem. TH-cam gives us the tools to accommodate for adhd. Since the accommodations are there, it's up to the adhd person to use them. It's not the responsibility of the creators other than giving access to the accommodations (such as making the video bookmarks). They don't need to change the format of their videos.
As an ADHD person, that is still not a great excuse for complaining. If I find something boring or unimportant, I can skip it. If someone is talking too slowly for me, I can turn up the video speed (2x is basically my default these days). TH-cam gives us the tools to adjust our viewing experience. So the creator can talk at their speed and divide up their content in ways that is natural/works for them, and I can change how I watch the video based on what works for me. It would be selfish of me to demand that they adjust their whole video style to accommodate my personal preferences. Constructive criticism is one thing, whining about things you can literally control yourself because you think everything should be tuned to YOUR preferences out of the gate is not cool.
This is so real and so confirming to me. I've never seen anyone act like this before, only myself, and I've had psychilogists (even one's who specialise in autism) act confused when I told them how I talk to myself all the time and have these highly charged back and forth brain storming type things by myself. I'm worried that if other people saw me like that they would think I'm having a mental breakdown, but I'm actually just sorting through my brain and processing things. If I didn'd do it I could never make decisions and process my feelings.
Same. This is how we process things and organise our thoughts and ideas, it feels helpful to do it. I'm not sure why some neurotypical people act concerned or automatically assume something negative when they observe this behaviour.
I get it. I need to talk aloud to myself, lay out a bunch of facts and then argue over them to even start understanding what's going on in my head. If I don't it all remains undefined and floating around, making me feel certain ways without understanding where it's coming from.
holy crap i don't vocalize it but my inner monologue is like two philosophers fighting with an investigative journalist and a private detective about E V E R Y T H I N G, like whether or not to brush my teeth, or shift into 3rd gear in my car in traffic, or what shoes to wear, or what to eat, or what to do with my life.
I can't be the only one that cried when Orion explained that this is every one of his videos before editing. It just felt like my life somehow - always a behind the scenes struggle that very few people will know about.
Thank you so much! I absolutely loved this video. I watched every single minute of it and feel like you let us know you. I understand why you use the other format and editing for your usual content, exactly for the reasons you let us know. I'm diagnosed myself at a later age and have been masking to the extreme my whole life. Only now i'm learning it's okay to be myself, so seeing you un-edited is very valuable for me. Stay amazing!
My brain does that all the time, especially those quick jumps from topic to topic, so it's really relieving to see somebody else being exactly this way
"This is me" And this is also me, and everyone here and I god damn love this and seeing what is me from the outside because I can hardly look at anyone else long enough to tell they're a human
I often think of myself as a neuro-typical person because I'm so good at masking, I forget that I'm autistic, but this video reminds me of the chaotic, seemly, processes of my mind.
The whole point is…you do oh…let the haters hate..the autistic people will understand and the rest will get a lot of info regardless of whether they think you are or not…I love your content…keep strong
Yes, much enjoyed. This is how I rant to my son, sorry buddy, and the kind of frustrated thoughts I keep inside somehow. A year ago I had so much bottled up I had a disasostiative meltdown and was arrested at my home. 11 months in county jail, and I'm now on a year of probation and VA Court. Didn't harm anyone. Just a result of being misunderstood and ignored. Sharing with and from a community like this would have prevented that. Keep doing what you do mate!
I feel so incredibly validated watching this video. Even my husband said, "That sounds like you when you're talking about something you like." Self-dx because it takes almost 2 yrs to get an appointment with a psych. from my provider list. Thank you for making these videos!
Well done my friend. I'm neurodivergent, but not asd. I am the mother of a wonderful 30 year old asd son. We never masked at home or with each other. Our conversations look like this. Thank you for showing us a mirror. Helps not to feel nuts to experience someone else being similar. ❤
Thank you so much for this video! Seeing you gesturing and talking samey like me, forgetting what you were to say inbetween, stimming and looking around, is so reassuring for my own diagnosis. I relate to you so much more now, and I guess the rest of your viewers thinks the same. This is probably the best video you've made yet, Orion! Please keep up what you're doing, you've helped us so much and you'll be able to reach so many more people. Thank you, sir!
This must have been really difficult to film and put up knowing how vulnerable and frustrated you might feel, but you ARE changing the world, one person at a time. You talking about your community and sharing your struggles have convinced me to ring the bell and maybe join a livestream someday and actually talk to people, even though I don't have a diagnosis yet. You and I are so similar, it's heartbreaking to hear another person talk to themself like I talk to myself, and I feel almost overexposed, but this has been incredible. Thank you so much for what you do. You matter so, so much.
I actually like and really appreciate every video whatever the length or subject is. I’m waiting for my official diagnosis and like many other people discovering they are on the spectrum. I seek out all the information, advice, experience i can about ASD. The deepdive. I’m always appreciative and amazed by your videos. The quality of it, the honesty, i can only imagine the effort and energy you put in all your video’s. I love that you’re making more information about ASD/neurodiversity available. You do reach the right people and you are making a difference!! I get that it can be very exhausting, but you are already helping so many people out. I hope you can workout a balance for yourself in what you want to bring into it and what it ‘has to’ be considering your content. You’re only human and i think you’re doing great building out your platform. Just a random fellow autistic person wishing you the best!!
I'm 9 minutes in and that's literally me, just talking way longer about something than other's would want me to, but I just can't stop bc I want to say everything right but at the same time can't organize my thoughts enough to make it short. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me so I talk and talk and talk.. I'm always scared of annoying people bc I honestly annoy myself most of the time I rant too long. Or maybe it's just that I'm so scared of people getting annoyed that I think "that was already very long, I don't want them to get mad at me, but I don't know how to stop either." instead of me actually being annoyed with myself. Most of the time my bad thoughts about me are just the anxiety that people will be mad, annoyed or bored while I'm talking..
I laughed because I saw myself in this video. (my husband and I work in media and also have our own business). I laugh because people have no idea how long those slick videos take. Your videos have really helped me understand me, and my husband understand me. His attention span is much less. :oD I also laugh because I realize why I bore people by going on and on and a subject they *asked* me about. This video makes me feel less alone.Great to see someone be themselves. You are so appreciated!!
Ive wondered then doubted if my husband and/or myself are autistic. This video really has made it pretty clear....you like this, its just how we often are.
I want you to know that I found out I was autistic in part because of your videos. I was raised with all the horrible stereotypes for autism, and instead I was diagnosed as ADD. Your videos were some of the first to come up in my feed talking about what autism really was like. It led me to dive deeper into Autism and better understanding what it was and made me realize that I better fit autism then adhd.
I’m not sure, Anthony, about your experience and how you feel, but I was diagnosed with ADHD last year (age 30) and it helped a LOT but there’s definitely something missing - here I am finding it’s autism. I’m pursuing a dx, soon hopefully, but I’ll say the ADHD is still very present for me! Not at all saying it’s the case for you but I definitely experience both - and I know I’m not the only one :)
@@LaceyMyriah I mean it still might be, But one of the biggest things that I found is that for some reason the strategies I use to tackle My symptoms doesn't work for any of my friends who also have ADHD. Also I have very low energy and I've never met anyone with ADHD that has low energy, and one thing I am definitely not is impulsive. I overthink everything constantly. I'm the type of person who will sit there staring at a menu for 30 minutes cuz I can't decide on something. And the trait that led me to start looking up autism is my hypersensitive hearing. Even my mother said that I could hear a whisper across the house I still to this day swear she never whispers, but either way being able to pick up a full conversation when you're four rooms away is still pretty impressive. And I know people say that nails on chalkboard sounds painful but no it's physically painful for me. When you have high screeching sounds like that it actually feels like they're actually scraping those nails across my eardrum I thought that's how everybody felt but when I started learning about autism I found out that when people say a sound hurt they mean it metaphorically not physically.
Best video EVER! One of my favorite videos of yours is the short where you are having a meltdown over your son's school. What about inserting some bloopers at the end? That might appeal to more people: those that just want the facts, those that want to see the real Orion, and those that want to be entertained.
I could watch this for hours. I never had so much fun. You got talent, you're a genius. I couldn't entertain people seriously like you did here for so much time. You're just amazing. Subscribing now. 😍👍🤩🤩🤩
As an ADHDer and self diagnosed autistic, this is the best video. I feel like I could show this to someone to explain my brain when I’m masking and people say I can’t be autistic.
I've been struggling SO much, unmasking and losing skills that I once had. It's nearly impossible for me to verbally communicate in a way that makes sense anymore. Thank you for this.
![Autistic Speech Patterns [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/6_det6P3gOY/mqdefault.jpg)
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
I love the way autistics and ADHDers talk when we don't have to mask and conform. It's lovely to listen to, fascinating, and so engaging.
The branching stream of consciousness thing, with the tangents, and the looping back to "checkpoints" when the tangents peter out? Agreed, it's a pretty keen insight into how the Autistic brain functions. I am very familiar with the thing of going so far down a rabbit hole of detail that I lose track of the point I was trying to make; so now I have a detailed, polished and refined piece of data, but what was it _for?_
I met someone a few weeks ago and we talked for 4 days straight over text. it's awesome
I once heard a co-worker doing a verbal stim I do, and we had a "conversation" and it was wonderful!
I have both. I have yet to find a way to unmaskedly share my special interests without the need for a chair and popcorn for the listener (/hy) 🤣
@@ChloeMakesPuns Anymore,I just don't share them at all for the most part. Every now and then, when I'm around someone who gets it, I allow myself to do it just a little bit. As a treat. :(
This video felt like my inner monologue. Constant, unfiltered, and often ranting about things for 10 minutes straight. Love it
Let's appreciate the fact that Orion is being himself, an autistic person, live and raw here! He's not reviewing stimming toys, he's not defending autistic people's behaviors or fashion sense, he's not explaining to YT why autistic people mask, he's BEING autistic for all to see, like it or not. The general public needs to see and recognize autism as just another way of life some are born into, not always a "disability" or handicap to be managed. Diversity is what makes us human.
Well said, Cobber
Absolutely I love how he speaks real and raw unedited
This isn't unwatchable. This is me relating. This is me trying to talk about anything without rehearsing the conversation.
This is terrifying. Your ranting, your mannerisms, everything is ME. Literally ME. It's so fun and expressive, emotional and serious-- passionate. I'm 28 and I've always doubted having autism (despite my sister, my brother, and my mother being diagnosed), I've chalked everything up to ADHD. I walked into this video expecting my doubts to be proven only to look at a mirror. I waited the entire video for the "surprise" only for me to think "when is it coming?" the entire way through. I don't see anything weird, strange, uncomfortable, whatever-- this is my everyday, 24/7 normal.
The primary difference is you kept on topic. I have ADHD and I would have forgotten everything I said ~45 seconds into talking, shifting into some other tangential rant that I think somehow relates to the topic I'm discussing. I have to discuss every detail, which includes other topics, the history, etymology of terms, where those terms come from historically, other words that utilize those terms so people have something to relate/cling to, etc. Otherwise, this is me to a T.
This is me too. It feels weird whenever I read of other peoples' experiences (like yours) because I am so used to being totally alone. It's hard to describe how it feels, but I guess it just feels good to remind myself that I'm not alone in this.
@@sakamotosan1887 I relate to that a lot. In our everyday lives it can be so rare to meet anyone who is even remotely similar to us in these ways. If we don't see videos or comments like these, we can end up going a very long time feeling like we are the only one who is this way... So it's a very weird but relieving feeling to know we are not actually the only one at all
Same. Same. I go into rants all the time, but only with very specific people. I've always felt the need to live by a set of rules when talking to everyone, and this video is making me realize that that isn't normal. Some people can actually just be themselves and not have to consider a million different unspoken rules. That's crazy to me. Must be nice to be them.
@@sakamotosan1887 its pretty average actually its only a disorder if it stop you from living extremely stop your from functioning like whiping your but or eating
Weird thing (or not weird because I am autistic) is, I find this entire video relatable, talking about my past and experiences would lead to endless rant and snapping and chaotic tangents. lol
Yes!!! Exactly the same, here!
I’m a 60 year old guy, late diagnosed with autism in my 50’s. I’ve masked all my life. I even gave a NT ‘friendly’ ‘authentic’ version of myself to friends and family post diagnoses. Recently maybe due to aging or simply lack of desire the mask is completely falling away. So now Ive relaxed into expressing myself unedited, un-curated, naturally awkward, unfiltered and vulnerable. I’ve just read your book Orion it really helped feeling connected to my ND self. Yet this unedited video today made me feel totally empathically connected to another on the spectrum that non of the books or videos on autism I’ve watched has. There’s room for more videos like this. It’s important we see and recognise our true autistic selves in others. Thank you.
Definitely more room on TH-cam for videos like this
Ditto! You've expressed, much better than I did, exactly where I was coming from in my comment, above! Good on you, sir!!
Fifty myself, and just self-diagnosed by a friend who is a psychiatrist. Her husband thought that about me for years. She couldn’t “officially” say, as I’m not her patient, but it is enough to encourage me to get an official diagnosis. Currently they think I am schizophrenic and bipolar.
Spot on!
@@19MadMatt72 oh yeH bipolar how original. I was diagnosed as bipolar for 15 years as they just accepted the original passed around piece of paper until this year. In 2021 this smiling devil lady psychiatrist decided to test out schizophrenia medication on me. Like as if you couldnt actually spend time with me and ask me about my life and experience and what brings me here. For over $7000 billed to insurance ya cant even do that? Somebody anybody? Listen to the patient? No? Nobody? 15 years! Bobbleheads! Lazy! Ineffective! Not even trying! Torture pills that ravaged my body with intense pain. I HATE psychiatrists. They have the least ability to think for themselves or figure something out or investigate theyre like a toddler in an airplane cockpit pressing buttons
"Who would want to watch this?!"
I would. Honestly I'm enjoying this unedited video. And I'm only 13 minutes into it. I love seeing this most honest version of yourself. It's also nice to see that there are other people who seemingly have a similar thought process as me. You just keep being you, amigo.
This actually is better than anything because it shows his raw self to Neurotypicals, so that they can see and learn how an Autistic people truly operates when not masking, filtering themselves, or pauses (for processing), stimming, stumbling on words, etc.edited out.
Making it clear to them that not only is he looking at a camera and not into someones eyes, there is no pressure of conversation going on there. Also, he is in is controlled, safe space and this has a true example of "If he were to be out of that space, outside his home, surrounded by unpredictable circumstances, overwhelming smells, light, noises, etc, it would be a different story.
This was also comforting to me, for several reasons. I didn't feel so alone, since seeing him unfiltered makes me feel more connected, and less alone in the rawness that I show and experience as an Autistic person. It was so real to watch the frustration and confusion that he was going through. Not just talking about, but demonstrating the struggles that we go through trying to reason and make sense out of certain things that hit us hard, the stress that it creates, and the struggles and extreme uncertainty, anxiousness, and frustration not knowing the right answer.
This most important part of this video is what he displayed, not what he said.
@@srldwg Agreed. This is probably one my favorite of his videos I've seen to date.
@@owli-wankenobi3727 same as all of you. Love this as I feel so seen in ways no other human IRL has ever seen me as an ADHD/Austic older (50 ish) chica. This is HOW my brain works. I'm queen of tangents going speed of light minus one kind of thing. Oh special interest for me: Biology. BTW, da Vinci (sp?) is my role model. I get DEEP on anything that catches my eye. BTW, as of right now, I've been consuming these vidoes and research data the last weekend. Again, all of you, making me seen in ways I've NEVER seen before. Currently at the so many emotions stage as memories are coming fast these last few days as my life makes SO much sense. How did I go so unseen for so long?!
❤
What? There’s no Index? 😂
I felt pretty bad watching you repeat how noone would like or watch the video and that the video was crap because you were being yourself. You're not crap, youre interesting and youre incredibly impactful; and I'm "neurotypical" saying this. People on the internet can be rude and ridiculous generally, please don't let it impact your sense of self/creation too much. You're doing a great job on very important work 🧡
It makes me sad too. This is one of the favourite videos I've ever seen. Being unmasked and being who he is isn't crap or rubbish, it's wonderful. I'd love to see all ND creators do these unedited videos so we can see their neurodivergence to shine through. I love the energy and passion of this and I'd love to see more of it
@@gillb9222I agree that it isn't crap or rubbish, and it made me feel sad too.
It was also good that he said that because that was part of him being raw. It makes us not feel so alone in our insecurities, low self esteem, and self criticism. Another important look at how an autistic person feels in vulnerable situations. Not masking and suppressing to appear confident.
Oh man, Orion. I watched every second. You sound just like me ranting on my special interest. Thank you. I don't feel alone anymore. I admire your courage. I could never unmask like that. Please never give up. You're doing so much good for all of us neurodivergent folk.
You said several atimes 'what's the point of this video?' Well, I can tell you exactly what the point is. The point is to show a person like me (36 forever single and very lonely) who doesn't live with any other autistic people that the experiences I live and breath are real and I'm not the only autistic person who feels it! Frustrated, ignored, misunderstood, and frazzled. Thank you Orion. Today I don't feel all alone x
A hug for you from a fellow 36yo, (now) forever single and perpetually alone. I shed a tear at your comment, because it was exactly what I was thinking and you vocalised it. Thankyou x
I'm sorry we have that in common. It's nice to know we are not alone. Big hugs x
You'd be surprised at the times and places love will find you. We're all connected.
Hi there 🤗 A fellow 36 yo here... Same problems. We aren't alone! :)
46 n single, just awaiting to hear back after assessment few days back, am mixed emotions n in two minds about possible results. much love n squidgies to all 💕
😳 love it 😅 my wife laughs when someone says your husband doesn’t seem autistic. Masked and internally edited and conversations rehearsed before I left the house. Congratulations on the first unedited unmasked video.
I am learning so much from Orion
This!!!!
Lol, exactly!
This! Yes! But... I can rehearse conversations for days on end, and they still never go as rehearsed or planned 😂
@@tihana13 Alas, no plan survives contact with neurotypicals. They always say something that you didn't plan for, then you have to both deal with the unexpected thing they said, and also that it _isn't in the plan!_
I honestly have no idea how they ever communicate anything to each other.
Hey! I don't usually comment on video's ever, but as someone who's autistic I completely understand your frustrations it's like people don't understand how hard just simple tasks can be overwhelming and yet they complain when you're openly talking about a disability. Take some time to yourself if you need it and I do appreiciate your content, I have sent your content to people close to me to explain things like meltdowns and how to support me best without me trying to word it, thank you. You are making a difference, I can't speak for everyone else, but I can speak for me :).
Well said
You can speak for me. Orion's videos have helped me beyond anything words can express. I've sent multiple videos of his to my colleagues and family because he puts everything into words people can understand and helps break down the stigma.
I told the school that my son went to that he does his absolute best trying to conform to your standards.. When he gets home.. hes done.. I'm not having him try to conform anymore.
@@victorianilsen763 well done Mom!
@@hourcide me too!
I just got diagnosed at 65 years old. This is me. My family thinks these episodes are "meltdowns", and I think it is a good way to comunicate. 😞
Im sorry your family doesnt understand. maybe you can show them a few of these videos to communicate whats its about.
Thank you SO much for doing this! As a late diagnosed autistic guy, I’ve been watching autistic videos on TH-cam for years, and seeing the final edited videos always made me feel inferior. I tried to make videos before, but it always seemed like I had to do a lot of editing to cut out a lot of unwanted things. Seeing you make a video, unmasked, unedited, it’s very similar to how my unedited audio was for my videos. I’m sure it was intimidating to get in front of the camera, knowing the final result would be unedited and unmasked, so thank you for overcoming that! This comment may be lost in the sea of TH-cam comments, but just know you’re making a positive difference for me personally, and for our community as a whole! Again, thank you!
I had the same reaction and I sort of feel shitty seeing a lot of autistic TH-camrs videos. It's like, I'm already autistic and now I have to feel like even among autistic people, I'm shit? Fuuuuuuck. It was nice seeing someone just let it out.
I really appreciate this video too. I wish there was more genuine content like this.
@@trashee973 I'm not sure if you're saying what I think you're saying. If you are, then you feel the same way that I often do when I watch many Autistic TH-camrs' videos. And it goes like this: "How do they manage so well? I wish I could do that! They seem so on top of everything, and they have so much great advice, so why do I still not manage to behave the way you're expected to behave in the normative neurotypical world?"
If this is what you meant, I'm totally with you on that. If it isn't what you meant, I'll just have to admit that I'm being slow and somehow didn't understand what you were saying, and I know that is sometimes the case.
Either way, thanks for sharing. :)
@@puzelle yeah. That's exactly what I meant. It feels very frustrating.
It is so frustrating not being able to please everyone. Sometimes we can’t please anyone. The frustration becomes anger. Try not to turn it onto yourself. Harder than it sounds, unfortunately.
I just wished every autistic people is as intellectual as you. I know of many autistics are just being ignored by people around. Most of them are not being sent to school rejected by most , misunderstood. You are amazing , you helped the autistic and none autistic understands the real nature. Understanding and acceptance.
It is hard. I still have a lot of self hatred that I haven't been able to let go of.
@@sakamotosan1887 I hear you on that.
I think we all need to give ourselves permission to allow ourselves some measure of grace, forgiveness, and self care. That takes practice. But it can help make life a little less miserable. Sometimes, a little less miserable can make the difference between coping and not coping, and stopping a self-hatred downward spiral.
I talk big, but I too can wallow in self-hatred and misery with the best of us. It is all a process and I need to remind myself of that. Often.
Oh my goodness. Orion, this is *fire*. I love the unedited you, he makes me feel so much less alone, and so seen. I'm that weird autistic guy who does have a million hobbies, perhaps because the process of learning, itself, is a special interest? I live for the thrill of learning a new skill or bit o information, for those ah-hah moments. I'll throw myself into them with reckless abandon, learn all I want to know, and then move on to a new hobby or interest.
24:42 '...you're just treating your autistic partner or child like crap...' deep Orion, hit me right in the feels, thanks for speaking some hard truth.
Thank you for this. If your edited videos are for neurotypical viewers, then this one is for autistic viewers. This reminds me of myself after a day at work, trying to explain to my partner why I'm so agitated, by something I know most people wouldn't be bothered by. It's good to know I'm not alone.
Love letter to Orion:
Orion, my dear, this is absolutely the BEST video you have ever made, and definitely not the worst (not that you have any “worst”). God love you (and this 83-year old woman does love you as well), this video made me laugh a lot, out loud, holding my stomach; rage a bit with you internally; and cry a bit, remembering and missing my brother, vexing and incredibly dear to me, who I think was so like you. He perhaps didn’t have as much of your priceless irritated humor, but otherwise, you were kindred spirits, with one major caveat. Whereas you and your brain and many of your expressions in life apparently travel at roughly twice the speed of sound 96-97% of the time, most of his manifestations of life traveled at approximately 0.0099% the speed of yours, comparison particularly valid when you are in your full unedited launch mode. He was noted in our family as the only soul on earth who took 45 minutes to an hour to peel and consume a banana, regardless of the operational speed of his brain at the time. Similarly, my children once reported to me that they had, unbeknownst to me, counted 45 chews of a bite of jello on my part. (Bob and I were nothing if not compulsively and obsessively thorough.)
However, my being female as well as the younger sibling, I watched my brother operating in the world at the pace of a thoughtful and cantankerous snail, and I learned, beginning at about age 3, what not to do. He got all the crap for fearlessly and defiantly being his own person, whereas I have slid by under the radar for 80 unhappy years, being considered by others as the “normal” (albeit obnoxiously overly-dramatic) one, as I danced around and tried to fit into a world strange to us both, my not knowing in any way who the hell I was - or am, to this day, for that matter.
I was fortunate to have been one of the few people, such as our mom and his own kids for instance, close to and completely accepting of him, even though he and I often fought like cats and dogs when we were kids (because he was, of course, my brother after all 🙂). It’s quite obvious to me that people have always thought we were very different. I am certain we appeared that way and acted differently in the world. But we weren’t different. It’s only that he was male autistic and I was female autistic. I loved him more dearly than I could ever love myself.
I am extremely grateful to and fond of you as well, Orion, for your guts in releasing this personal, vulnerable and invaluable video. Mere words cannot express to the world out there what your video clearly and achingly demonstrates, giving it, to my mind, even greater value than your lovely painstakingly and painfully edited ones. Thank you for this selfless gift, especially to those of us yet (if ever) to receive a diagnosis.
[See? Can’t stop either. Too many words… same worries: Who the heck wants to or will read THIS treatise ?!?]
❤❤ i feel you
This is how I talk when I'm unmasked and unfiltered and info dumping to the couple of folks who are super close to me. A combinaiton of excitement, stress, and intensity.
Also, does anyone else enjoy a super long (2-6 hour) video that goes highly in depth into something you're interested in? I prefer those to 20 minute or less videos.
lol. Info dumping. I got this way ever since taking vyvanse for my ADD.
You may say I’m being speedy, but I often think I’m on the spectrum because I literally can’t decide what to say and not to say which details rtc
A History of the world 20 minute video doesn't work for me. I like details, I don't like feeling shorted. As long as the subject matter moves forward, is interesting, and I can take breaks, I don't mind a long video.
I'm remembering again how much I love videos where the speaker isn't staring directly into the camera like a neurotypical maniac the whole time
Orion, as a highly masking autistic person, and one with so much imposter syndrome at that, I thank you so so much for this. This felt like my mind was placed in front of me and it brought me to tears. It was simultaneously so relieving to see someone else I can relate to speak in this way, and so frustrating that we as autistic people often have to conform to attempt to receive some level of support or even acceptance from society. I really appreciate you putting this video out there.
Omg, I don't know why but I never connected masking with imposter syndrome. I'm just discovering a lot of things, maybe I'm the only one on earth that hasn't made that connection, but such a huge light bulb just went off in my brain reading this comment.
@@jannettb7930 my clinically administered psychological tests confirmed me for ADHD and not autism, but HOLY COW DO I HAVE TO MASK ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME! My mindset for it used to be 100% imposter syndrome all the time when I was young, but eventually I managed to reframe it as camouflage; I am the hunter, and I have infiltrated the prey. They do not know what I REALLY am, but I made it! I'm here! And they can't stop me!
@@jannettb7930It's not just you! That concept took me awhile too, it's still odd and confounding to think about honestly. The mask, especially in high masking indiviuals, can become so very enmeshed in our perception of ourselves that it can be very difficult to disentangle it. Then it's compounded by the imput we receive from others! Unmasking, even if only when alone is so worth it! I imagine it's going to be an extremely lengthy process for many of us, but you're not alone! ❤
I have found it more and more difficult to maintain that mask as I get older. Now in my 50's, I just don't care anymore. This is me, I have no filter. It's all I can do to keep my strange autistic diet stable, and keep up with the wear and tear of life.
His frustration and despair is how it feels. Even though we’re trying so hard, pretending so hard, it feels like it’s never good enough. We’re never good enough.
I love this video, but it took me about nine minutes to realize he was angry. I could feel the emotion, the intensity, but I couldn’t recognize it. That’s sad to me. After ten years of self-study, I thought I could recognize emotions better.
Still, this was a great video. Exactly how I feel about not being able to be myself. It feels like a prison, one that I have to lock myself in.
If I completely unmasked, I wouldn’t have conversations with anyone. I have little interest in people, asking questions, or answering questions.
If I’m talking to you at all, I’m masking. BUT I'm lucky I can mask and do the things I want in life. I'm glad I can communicate, speak, learn to read body language, and get to know people's inner perspectives. That's interesting, sometimes. :)
I can't express how much it means to me to read comments like that! I don't really have the resources to get officially diagnosed, but I think I might try it anyway.
I was just told that I'm a horrible person, a monster, a robot for not having enough interest about other peoples lives. What they do in their free time, just asking questions about... something. I never know what to ask, I'm just not that interested in other people. It's always been like this, I thought maybe I can learn that somehow... someday...? I don't make progress with that...
I can mask, but most people will still notice that I'm uncomfortable in some way. Another reason I think I'm broken. I'm always uncomfortable around other people, even family, just way less than with strangers.
I'm making a list with behaviours and symptoms I showed as a child and now. Knowing that all the stuff above (and way more stuff) could just be me being autistic is a perspective I never had. If other autistic people would not have commented so many things I experience, even though they seem wrong to NT people, I never would have thought about the possibility.
I would've probably just brushed it of thinking: I'm just a bad person and can only relate this much to my officially diagnosed autistic neighbour, because I'm a little weird, that's it.
Thanks, for sharing your perspective!
So recognizable for me... Neurotypical ppl telling me as an autistic person, to be not so autistic (but in a indirect way)... Frustrating, feeling misunderstood etc...
6:06 Orion gets lost in a train of thought + stimming. Happens to me a thousand times a day. Love that you caught this moment on camera
I believe it's incredibly helpful for people to see unedited videos like this, in order to understand how autism feels for you. It will help many to recognise themselves and to feel less alone. Thank you!
Confirmed
Ps what I heard in this video was sadness and frustration that you can’t just be yourself. I relate. Thanks for sharing and I know it was hard to say it and share it to so many people and that you made yourself very vulnerable here. Maybe that’s why you felt like you ran a marathon ❤
To be honest , I thought it was refreshing to see Orion expressing himself without a filter. It didn’t bother me at all
Lex5562, I felt this too, and it may be widely felt so thanks for putting this into words. I think it's important to honour our emotions and needs, then it makes it easier to take the next steps.
I just realized the edited neurotipical videos on TH-cam are breaking my autistic soul. Making me tense and bottled up. I'm only half way through yours and I've calmed down and started to think again. Please make more content like this for autistic people. Autistic people talking to autistic people.
NTs listening and understanding as well😊
I like how you explained how why Autistic can go on forever about a special interest but have so little to say about other “regular” things. I think I understand better now why I can be considered “shy”, but I’m not always-especially when I can talk about my special interests! I get it Thanks!
As an autistic ADHD person, I love watching this. It's awesome to see someone do what I'd love to be able to do. Unmasking is such a scary thought to me. Every time you said, "this is a horrible video," it reminded me of how I feel any time I even think of taking down the mask. This wasn't a horrible video, by the way. I'm loving it.
You're so brave. I wish I could do this... Even with just one person. I just can't.
Yet. Stay tuned and it's very likely you will. Baby steps. Ah, I don't mean stepping on babies! Lol. Courage to be genuine can come from many places.
Brutal honesty Orion. Beast mode engaged against the trolls. Vent and then re-focus dude. Your work is greatly appreciated by those who really matter: the community.
As a high masking autistic person I found this refreshing to watch. This video shows that it s ok to be your natural self and real. Thankyou for sharing, I shall certainly be continuing to watch your videos. I think this is the best of your videos (and they re all good). Thankyou for allowing us the privilege to see your true authentic self. It’s given me the courage to start being my real and natural self.
Me too😁
I would watch a 35 minute video because.....I find learning about autism interesting 😂. So watching intros from an autistic person can be extremely informative.
This reminds me of myself trying to get an autism diagnosis... and being told over and over again by clinicians who (by their own admission) don't actually anything know about autism say I can't be autistic because of how articulate I am
...my special interest surrounds morality, *mental health*, and social justice/activism. I know a LOT about how my own brain works and I'm very articulate about myself when it comes to that because it's my fucking special interest. And when clinicians meet me, they're basically asking me a bunch of questions about my special interest, I'm going to rant like crazy, I'm going to have so much to say, I'm going to be "articulate" (which is a funny word they use because I bounce around topics and tangents like crazy, but whatever). Because this shit is what drives me, I can talk forever about what it means to me to live with C-PTSD, to live as a plural DID system (using I/me for simplicity here, it should be we/our, but we can't just talk as ourselves and be understood, in this way either), and what sorts of things we've done to heal, and what sort of things frustrate us, and discrimination we've faced, and how the world makes it so fucking hard. We can talk about that kind of thing for so long if someone gets us started, that doesn't mean we don't struggle in other ways
(btw we're not diagnosed yet, but we've gone through an initial screening after finally getting a clinician that listens, and should be referred to someone who can do the full screening soon)
Same!!! My special interest has always been psychology!! So I totally get you, and have gotten the same remarks from others.
Same boat, down to plurality too. Thinking theres a link between being autistic and dissociation
Thanks for this detailed comment. I've even worked teaching preschool age children with and without "special needs" and felt an unusual connection with them, being very drawn to them, feeling very intrigued to watch and listen extremely closely, and just knowing that in each case I would almost inevitably discover their special interests as a proposed sort of language that could possibly bridge the gap and help them to see someone can really see them. What I saw happen with many other teachers and assistants was that they had, at best, a list of behaviors they were tasked with "training them out of," or training them into on each child's IEP, and there was little to no interest shown as to what the child might be experiencing internally. (I was a teacher assistant in those roles and didn't have any detailed formal training in autism as it is now understood.) I could see how, in some cases, there were dangerous behaviors in a few kids, such as an urge to run off when teachers' backs were turned, or self injury, or disinterest in eating independently, etc. It was understandable that a certain amount of such training, if successful, was going to serve the children well. But, especially at recess, I was focused not only on their safety but on how to help them enjoy being outside and playing or singing, or practicing the repetitive things that seemed to give them relief and joy. I didn't understand how other teachers and assistants didn't do that very much. It also bothered me very much to think how much physical, mental and emotional energy it apparently took some kids to just be at school, sometimes getting shuffled around and made to do things they didn't seem to want to do sometimes. I've recently realized I am probably on the spectrum, myself, and that is probably why I felt such strong empathy towards autistic kids, especially since learning that autistic people have much better empathy and social success with other autistic people and that neurotypical people often struggle to truly empathize with autistic people. I was raised in a large, strict family and was constantly being trained. I had one brother with severe learning disabilities who I think is also undiagnosed autistic. He and I hung out together so much that when I started kindergarten, he was ar the front door every single day waiting for my bus to come drop me off. I've been recently diagnosed with cptsd, as well. After seeing my list of past traumas, the therapist asked me how I tended to cope, and specifically asked me if I dissociate. But I didn't have a very good understanding of what that feels like. Recently, I've remembered two instances in my childhood that when I was under extreme stress I remember kind of floating above myself and having the strange thought, "Oh, I'm THIS person," or generally feeling as I walked down a hallway at work that my feet didn't touch the ground. The more I think of it, I even think I am like this most mornings when I begin to wake up. I am in a different brain wave pattern for a while, as if still asleep, but walking around. So, yes I think I dissociate sometimes. Thinking about all that autistic children are pushed into, especially, it is easy to see how their minds may have to get very creative, to protect themselves from overwhelming experiences and often from very strong internal intellectual activity that can feel impossible to turn off, even if one wanted to. I usually dont want to, but my insomnia became my number one issue post cancer treatment a few years ago that was strong and lasted a full year. My mental health had become the biggest obstacle, but I've been getting great help recently. It matters so much to me that I finally found a group of very caring and well informed people to help. I still have circular stress dreams every night, though. I hope you are also finding good people who care and value you, too!!
Honestly that's such a giant red flag. If I sit in the diagnosis and my doc tells me something like, I couldn't be autistic cause I know how to articulate my struggles well, I'm just gonna stand up and leave right there.
OSDD collective here. Pretty much all of this is applicable to us as well. One of my special interests is also mental health. Forgot what I was about to say so I'll just say good luck. I hope you're able to get the diagnosis ☺️
Speaking as someone who is undiagnosed but pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. I have been looking at loads of videos where different people speak about autism. But just from watching you unmasked I have understood so much more about my own behaviour. Thank you for a great video........Actually I think this might be the best video on autism I have seen and I would love to see more of this kind of representation.
Orion, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for posting this unedited, honest, and vulnerable video. After watching it, age 63, I no longer have doubts that I am autistic, too. I fully expect people to doubt me. I became managing editor of a national technical trade magazine in my 20s with zero college, self trained on all kinds of software and was a single parent of two kids with ADHD, after marriage to someone with narcissistic personality disorder who warped my brain, heart and general life, dramatically. I got through it. I worked in a corporate level marketing job for 20 years, using noise canceling earphones and blasting brown noise loops in my ears to drown out competing thoughts and distractions, knowing that virtually everyone around me laughed at my expense behind my back (or just around the corner) because I cannot make eye contact when stressed, blush brightly and break out in hives when I feel that my intensity is overwhelming most people, etc. Constantly hypervigilant to inevitable mocking, needing to "hide" at lunchtime, eating alone in my car in order to simultaneously recover and go back in for five or ten more hours. Being the ONE person willing (and driven, mentally) to stick with a technical problem, say, in an intensely complex formatted Excel spreadsheet, while the socially adept and MUCH better paid colleagues went out drinking while I finished. Having all the pressure and they celebrated their glorious wins of multimillion dollar contracts. Dreading compulsory, unmotivated "motivational" social gatherings like most people dread walking the plank. Needing medication to suppress and deaden my intense social anxiety so I didn't lose the job my family depended on. Being 100 percent aware of what "appropriate" social behavior looks Iike in others, but no matter how I try, I have to escape after a max of a half hour of trying my best to do it. Hiding that I knew I always took too long to do things, and doing countless extra unpaid hours to hide and compensate. Knowing the end result was excellent, and I had learned even more. The list goes on. I know the world finds me too intense and wordy, so I hide and implode. Got cancer three years ago. Completely burned out. Having persistent circular stress dreams of getting literally lost and trying to find the person and the words to convey I need help. Your video here was like looking in the mirror. I respectfully and sincerely watched it to the end and burst into grateful, empathetic tears. For people Iike us, we totally understand what is palatable for others, but cannot get there without putting out our all in private and then privately and internally paring back down the experience to be "deliverable" for most others. Exhausting for our loved ones, at least equally exhausting and sad and lonely for us. WE NEED YOU doing exactly what you are doing, Orion!!!
Yes and yes and THANK YOU. This is so…well said. Just so damn well put. ❤️🩹 Reading this I feel…seen. Thank you… I am sitting in traffic, listening to Orion’s video, tears in my eyes, struggling every day, single late diagnosed mom of an AuDH daughter receiving NO help and no support but loads of NT pressure other. Thank you.
I hope you’re fully recovered from cancer as well
I’m wishing you the best 🧡 I hope you are now retired and working on your special interests, or that you have a job that doesn’t drain your energy and makes you feel safe.
Thank you for this insightful comment! May grace and love find & stay with you... i pray it.
*I love someone who is autistic. That’s why I started following you Orion. You are doing such an amazing job bro. Please remember that there are soooo many people who appreciate and respect you sir !* 🙂
What a great person you are
@@yasmeenamzk God bless you
I am married to an autistic man who has just begun to emerge from what has been 18 months of severe autistic burnout and formal diagnosis 6 months ago. He is kind, brilliant and no longer masking autism in his and now our lives. It has been an extraordinary change. I am learning slowly....as best I can, what his experiences are like. He asked me to watch this piece, Orion. I saw my husband, whom I love - in your willingness to be unmasked and in some ways, deeply authentic in this video. Thank you. As a neuro-typical human, I have so much to learn.
Thank you for this. It makes me feel like I am not alone, I am not crazy, and its okay to be how I am.
Thank you. You always appear so together that it is hard think of you and I as both being autistic. This shows how similar we really are. This is autism unmasked and real. If neurotypicals actually watched this and considered the toll spending an entire day trying to appear as "normal" as possible has on us, some might understand a bit of what it is like to try to survive in their world.
So important. And it’s mysterious what the implications are. I love my way of passionately communicating but it was hard-won if I think about it. I had people who loved me observe this way of being and tease me about how I should do TED talks so I could use my hands.
I actually really enjoy this "true" version! It reminds me that I don't have to wear a mask 24/7 and that they're people that accept an unmasked me (even if it's just one person in real life 😅).
That was the most relatable video I've ever watched. That ranty monologue that ebbs and flows, gets a bit lost, goes off on a tangent and comes full circle, is what goes on in my head, (and out of my mouth, complete with pacing around the house, when I'm alone) on a daily basis. Loved it ❤
Same
As someone diagnosed with ADHD but investigating whether I'm autistic as well, this video means a lot. Thank you.
i was diagnosed for 20 years as adhd before I realised It was actually autism, its unreal how much self deception I had
@shockthetoast ..... Same ty for saying this..❤
Ooooh mate the frustration, I feel ya. The amount of time and effort i put in on a day to day basis trying to predict what is accepted by those around me and funnel myself through that lens. All while constantly regejcting common advice to "just be yourself"
God I feel so validated watching this, I always feel like I'm totally alien and strange trying to explain this subject sometimes and watching you just be yourself totally unmasked like this makes me feel 1000% better. I appreciate you putting this out despite how freaky and overwhelmingly critical content creation can be.
I love this video being unedited. It's important for people to see the unedited side of autism, the one that isn't cut down for TH-cam. Sending love
Absolutely agree!
I love seeing in real time how you (like me) can seem vague and slow one moment then frustrated the next moment then amusing the next moment then incredibly become brilliantly articulate in a way that somehow makes everything that came before actually make perfect sense! Proving that all the other behaviors were important and real after all! That’s how it feels! I refuse to be ashamed of my passion and way of communicating. 26:15.
Then 27:00 comes and I start crying.
Yep. Sometimes you understand things better if you see people doing/being X rather that have a description of the behaviour.
Good on you for going unedited, as an autistic person myself it was like watching someone do a really accurate impression of me. Can see why you like to keep it tight for neurotypicals and for getting the information across that's relevant. Something like this every once in a while is great too. 👍🏻
same here, it’s so reassuring to see someone speak and act the way i do, i feel so much less alone and sort of guilty for it after always being reprimanded for ‘speaking too much’ etc. throughout my life
@@icanseeyou9820I felt that at such a deep level.
Exactly this!!
If I let myself Vent lke you just did.. wow. I'm not sure I'd still have a job. Its a really confuddled thing. But I think your doing a good job.
@@cmdrpanditt sound like a rough job. i vent to my boss all the time since we share common struggles. i hope you find peace and acceptance in yourself and please try therapy - it changed everything for me
As someone who recently self diagnosed, it's a relief to see so much of myself reflected in your speech patterns and mannerisms. I'm really glad to have found this video. It couldn't have been easy to make this video, but thank you!
I love this is like his most watched video lately, because it says unwatchable in the title. People are truly contrarian.
Whether masked in "broadcaster mode" or unedited, I really appreciate what you do.
This helped me understand why my parents always thought I was angry when I spoke. It was a number of things. Frustration or passion (positive or negative) mostly. But people's reactions led me to stifle my actual intensity and now I can't even express joy out loud.
people often mistook my frustration or passion as anger too, and it also impacted me being able to really express positive emotions, I've tried to reverse this since learning I'm autistic but it's not easy and I'm hoping eventually i can undo that damage and express myself fully again
I'm always too much in my unmasked speaking as well. I get it
@@adrianopper9472 ❤️
@@leowright2251 I'm glad people here understand, thank you.
sameeee
As an autistic person, I found this video to be the best most emotional video of yours I’ve ever seen. Thank you for all you do Orion.
These unedited videos are helping me enormously. Suddenly I understand why I have had so much difficulty dealing with people for so long. I talk like you and clearly people don't like me but I honestly didn't know why. Your explanation on another video starting with "the autistic brain sees a question and goes inside itself..." is literally the story of my life. I wrote the whole thing down word for word because suddenly I realize why talking to people (especially in contexts like talking to a doctor, talking at IP meetings etc.) is so awful for me and ends up pitting everyone against me and it's just an ongoing nightmare. I understand why you make the "jump cut" videos for neurotypicals but I really hope you will continue to make videos like this. I want to start an online art teaching business and I am freaked out about it because I don't think any students will like me but now I am thinking I should maybe do videos about art for neurodivergent people. Or maybe I will make videos for other neurodivergent parents of autistic kids on how to navigate all the minefields of dealing with the school and health/social services systems because wow do I ever have some war stories to tell.
Yes do art lessons for us!
@@ebethlouise2201 thanks so much for your encouragement! I worked my a$$ off on a business plan that got approved by a business startup program on starting an online art teaching business but I am finding it practically impossible to put my plan into motion without any structure. I don't know if it's demand avoidance, autism, or my ADHD, or what. I am looking for some sort of business development group to join to help me get going. Maybe I need a neurodivergent business development group or something ... If you have any ideas for me on teaching art to people on the spectrum, by all means let me know!
Yes, you do you! It will be great!
I get it, Orion, as being an autistic woman who got to know her authentic self only after 46 years of masking in life. Hats off for being that courageous in showing your vulnerability !! 🤘♥️
I wanted to know what unmasking was..I sorta get it. I believe I mask, people assume things if you don't.
i talk like this when i talk to myself. ive learned (through repeated comments from supposed friends and family) that no one wants to hear what i have to say anyway so i just keep it in, i nod and smile at other people and then instead i rant to myself once im at home
Orion, thank you. Love you more for making this authentic video.
I felt that "...CLICK ON THE INDEX!!!" in my soul. Thank you for being completely amazing.
Just me in my "wait wasn't this normal" moment.
Nowadays people applaud me for how articulate I am, but they don't know how much effort and how many years of practice is hidden behind it.. and I still have moments when I freeze and my planned sentences scatter.
I’m 40. I received my diagnosis two months ago. This has been one of the most validating and reassuring videos i have experienced.
Experiencing your discomfort has shown me that what i feel inside is real. More importantly being allowed to witness stemming and your physical movement through space is the real comfort. Thank you my friend.
17:39
Welcome to the club. It's fun in here.
(I'm 4months in)
Im so glad of hearing that. My biological father (dont want to call him warmly, we weren't ro close), still didn't get diagnose at his merely 50. Its really tough situation in Ukraine. I approved my diagnosis in Austria last year.
This demonstrates to any allistics the effort and time and energy that we have to put into advocating for ourselves, our families and our community. Please take some of that burden by showing your acceptance of our differences.
I really find this video very informative, raw, and real. I have been recently trying to do a lot of soul searching "finding out what is wrong with me" I hide so well. The only way I get anything out is poetry. But I have a hard time reading in public or on a video. So doing what you are doing. I have a gigantic amount of respect for you.
I am crying and laughing and then crying again. I am so in awe of you for pulling back the TH-cam “veil” of editing. Just amazing and incredibly brave. For me, menopause is dissolving whatever mask was left and everything is so raw. I see there are already hundreds of comments, but I hope you see this one, too. ❤️
I feel you on that menopause thing. Same here.
I feel you on that menopause thing. Same here.
I masked well enough to fly under the radar until menopause @ 37 & my life (paralyzing anxiety) fell apart. No one had answers. I saw autism awareness vid. 2 years ago & it was like being hit by a tidal wave! Still anxious but understanding is priceless.
@@stacinaturenuts9060 Thanks for your comment. I want to add: for anyone reading this and experiencing this kind of profound awake moment, it can be so disorienting and scary. You know who you can trust. Be honest with them. Lean on them. Ask for help. The brain can feel so raw as the re-assembling is happening. It will happen. I am seeing it for myself. But I know I can't do this alone and am leaning on my 3 people who I truly trust to help guide me back. Love to anyone else going through it. It is the Hero's Journey, my friends ❤
Oh girls, we might all be on the same page here! A couple of years of lockdown, and I'm not sure I mask effectively any more, to be truthful. People are more exhausting, but my alone time is more fulfilling. Stay well, everyone :)
This is my brain soooo often. This is why when you ask me a question I just look at you blankly, waiting for this monologue in my head to stop so I can think about an actual, appropriate, helpful answer. Thank you Ryan! Loved it!
So validating, thank you for being vulnerable and frustrated. I finally feel “normal” somewhere 😂
I’ve realised the way you talk in this video is how I talk to myself in the mirror, I rant about the way the world is and I feel it’s so difficult to get things across to actual people! I really am proud of you for being able to unmask to this extent over a full video, it’s actually given me a confidence boost! We shouldn’t have to feel like we can’t be ourselves, One of my coping mechanisms for masking has always been putting myself into a Science Fictional Characters shoes and taking different aspects of my favourite characters from my favourite shows like Star Trek, Doctor Who, etc. nowerdays I find I am unmasking more and it’s content like yours that helps me to do so! You keep at it Orion! And don’t let people bring you down, you show them that us Autistic people are capable of amazing things!
I cant thank you enough for putting yourself out there for people like me. I’m a 50 year old, undiagnosed (gaslit at every turn) female who does NOT know how to be in this world anymore. I am NOT high or low functioning at all! I’m 100% non functioning and am sooo dam lost her in NH USA. Your videos teach me who I am with such clarity and is the only validation I get in my life these days! Seriously! THANK YOU!
So sorry the world has been so crap to you; I’ve only just got my Dx in the last few weeks after decades of rubbish Dxs, and I have to thank Orion bc his vids helped me gain the confidence to push for it again, and reconfirm I’m not the crazy one.
I hope you can continue to find the right people to help open things up for you.
You're not alone in this, even though I'm sure that you feel like you are... I know that I do. I had a meltdown over losing my wallet AGAIN today. I'm 37 and sometimes I feel like quitting LIFE... I'm just so bad at it. I don't WANT to give up, but sometimes I feel like I don't have any other options.
@keatswaters3169 You hang in there, too. My friend had a saying for times like this: You can always poke a tomato to let the frustration out. That always made me laugh for some reason. I once lost my wallet twice in a week at the worst possible time, when I had moved with my young son to a faraway state due to a job transfer. BOTH times, a good Samaritan found it, figured out my address and phone and mailed it to me completely with all contents intact. It amazed me how sweet and kind and good some people still are. Take a breath and do something extra nice for yourself. My fingers are crossed that you will find the wallet, or get one you like even better. It might even lead to meeting someone new and kind. Best to you.
@@phoenixlee247 I live in America. No one is kind here anymore. It's like Rome at the end days.
53 here. You made it to 50, I have confidence in you!
This is the video that made me subscribe.
Edit: The self-conscious pauses to proccess made me want to be your friend. Thanks for your amazing work. Thanks for supporting the community.
The pauses were so relatable. I'll dump a fuck load of info out in a short period of time, then take a long break to process and figure out where I'm at, then dump a bunch of info out, etc etc
This video made me laugh. It's so relatable. Relatable things have always made me laugh.
I watched this whole video, and to be honest I HAD to. I couldn't stop because it was like watching the goings on in my head. This was a lightbulb moment. I finally see what my closest friends and family see when interacting with me. Thank you for sharing this!
Just brilliant. Thank you. I can totally relate. The “where’s your eye mate?” Made me actually laugh out loud. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤
Orion, you have to forgive those ones that complain about the length of the intro. They have ADHD 😂😂😂😂 my daughter only has the attention span for shorts and TikTok’s. You are the best. If it helps, do the occasional raw one like this… then you get the balance, right? I think it’s good to get things off your chest. And I really value the info you share. And remember you aren’t working alone. You keep showing me new people to watch and blogs to read and I love that there are so many people working to raise awareness. ❤❤❤
Agreed 👍 💯
I dunno though. I'm self dx for that and whilst repetitive long intros that aren't enjoyable get annoying, I do at least know how to skip them. There's at least a couple series I follow on here where I routinely scroll / click forwards / give the smart tv remote a couple of stabs past that part.
Though maybe if they're used to only watching shorts, they don't expect there to be any ability to scrub back and forth?
(I have to rewind a fair bit to catch things I miss first time too :p )
This is why I watch videos on x2 speed as standard 😂
As an AuDHD person, I do agree, but not entirely. Like someone else said, you can always skip forward 10 seconds, skip to the bookmarks in the video, or increase the speed of the video. I usually skip past long intros or speed up videos where people talk slowly, no problem.
TH-cam gives us the tools to accommodate for adhd. Since the accommodations are there, it's up to the adhd person to use them. It's not the responsibility of the creators other than giving access to the accommodations (such as making the video bookmarks). They don't need to change the format of their videos.
As an ADHD person, that is still not a great excuse for complaining. If I find something boring or unimportant, I can skip it. If someone is talking too slowly for me, I can turn up the video speed (2x is basically my default these days). TH-cam gives us the tools to adjust our viewing experience. So the creator can talk at their speed and divide up their content in ways that is natural/works for them, and I can change how I watch the video based on what works for me. It would be selfish of me to demand that they adjust their whole video style to accommodate my personal preferences. Constructive criticism is one thing, whining about things you can literally control yourself because you think everything should be tuned to YOUR preferences out of the gate is not cool.
This is so real and so confirming to me. I've never seen anyone act like this before, only myself, and I've had psychilogists (even one's who specialise in autism) act confused when I told them how I talk to myself all the time and have these highly charged back and forth brain storming type things by myself. I'm worried that if other people saw me like that they would think I'm having a mental breakdown, but I'm actually just sorting through my brain and processing things. If I didn'd do it I could never make decisions and process my feelings.
Same. This is how we process things and organise our thoughts and ideas, it feels helpful to do it. I'm not sure why some neurotypical people act concerned or automatically assume something negative when they observe this behaviour.
Good for you. I stopped talking to myself when I realized I needed to mask it.
Yyyyyyyyup! I wish we could just create an autistic Utopia of a city where we could all just be as weird as we want! 😂
I get it. I need to talk aloud to myself, lay out a bunch of facts and then argue over them to even start understanding what's going on in my head. If I don't it all remains undefined and floating around, making me feel certain ways without understanding where it's coming from.
holy crap i don't vocalize it but my inner monologue is like two philosophers fighting with an investigative journalist and a private detective about E V E R Y T H I N G, like whether or not to brush my teeth, or shift into 3rd gear in my car in traffic, or what shoes to wear, or what to eat, or what to do with my life.
That's how he is showing us love by being himself :)
I can't be the only one that cried when Orion explained that this is every one of his videos before editing. It just felt like my life somehow - always a behind the scenes struggle that very few people will know about.
Love your energy…don’t worry about losing your track or how you say it….we all are in the same boat…😂😂😂
Thank you so much! I absolutely loved this video. I watched every single minute of it and feel like you let us know you. I understand why you use the other format and editing for your usual content, exactly for the reasons you let us know.
I'm diagnosed myself at a later age and have been masking to the extreme my whole life. Only now i'm learning it's okay to be myself, so seeing you un-edited is very valuable for me.
Stay amazing!
I'm autistic. I love this video, thank you. I feel less alone. I relate to you a lot. 🙂
My brain does that all the time, especially those quick jumps from topic to topic, so it's really relieving to see somebody else being exactly this way
"This is me" And this is also me, and everyone here and I god damn love this and seeing what is me from the outside because I can hardly look at anyone else long enough to tell they're a human
Watching you in your natural self was like listening to a dear friend. So cool that you are being authentic in this video.
I often think of myself as a neuro-typical person because I'm so good at masking, I forget that I'm autistic, but this video reminds me of the chaotic, seemly, processes of my mind.
The whole point is…you do oh…let the haters hate..the autistic people will understand and the rest will get a lot of info regardless of whether they think you are or not…I love your content…keep strong
Yes, much enjoyed. This is how I rant to my son, sorry buddy, and the kind of frustrated thoughts I keep inside somehow. A year ago I had so much bottled up I had a disasostiative meltdown and was arrested at my home. 11 months in county jail, and I'm now on a year of probation and VA Court. Didn't harm anyone. Just a result of being misunderstood and ignored. Sharing with and from a community like this would have prevented that. Keep doing what you do mate!
I’m sorry you went through that
I feel so incredibly validated watching this video. Even my husband said, "That sounds like you when you're talking about something you like." Self-dx because it takes almost 2 yrs to get an appointment with a psych. from my provider list. Thank you for making these videos!
Well done my friend. I'm neurodivergent, but not asd. I am the mother of a wonderful 30 year old asd son. We never masked at home or with each other. Our conversations look like this. Thank you for showing us a mirror. Helps not to feel nuts to experience someone else being similar. ❤
I'm a longform content watcher and the algorithm doesn't nearly give us enough attention. Still we do exist and we are many.
I agree. I prefer many of the longer videos on YT. 30+ min videos are regulars for me.
Thank you so much for this video! Seeing you gesturing and talking samey like me, forgetting what you were to say inbetween, stimming and looking around, is so reassuring for my own diagnosis. I relate to you so much more now, and I guess the rest of your viewers thinks the same. This is probably the best video you've made yet, Orion! Please keep up what you're doing, you've helped us so much and you'll be able to reach so many more people. Thank you, sir!
This must have been really difficult to film and put up knowing how vulnerable and frustrated you might feel, but you ARE changing the world, one person at a time. You talking about your community and sharing your struggles have convinced me to ring the bell and maybe join a livestream someday and actually talk to people, even though I don't have a diagnosis yet. You and I are so similar, it's heartbreaking to hear another person talk to themself like I talk to myself, and I feel almost overexposed, but this has been incredible. Thank you so much for what you do. You matter so, so much.
"Be yourself."
"No, not like that."
I actually like and really appreciate every video whatever the length or subject is. I’m waiting for my official diagnosis and like many other people discovering they are on the spectrum. I seek out all the information, advice, experience i can about ASD. The deepdive. I’m always appreciative and amazed by your videos. The quality of it, the honesty, i can only imagine the effort and energy you put in all your video’s. I love that you’re making more information about ASD/neurodiversity available. You do reach the right people and you are making a difference!! I get that it can be very exhausting, but you are already helping so many people out. I hope you can workout a balance for yourself in what you want to bring into it and what it ‘has to’ be considering your content. You’re only human and i think you’re doing great building out your platform. Just a random fellow autistic person wishing you the best!!
Love that first sentence!
Preach. Thank you. The autistic people in my family include me, my father, my husband and both of our children. We appreciate your work.
I'm 9 minutes in and that's literally me, just talking way longer about something than other's would want me to, but I just can't stop bc I want to say everything right but at the same time can't organize my thoughts enough to make it short. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me so I talk and talk and talk.. I'm always scared of annoying people bc I honestly annoy myself most of the time I rant too long. Or maybe it's just that I'm so scared of people getting annoyed that I think "that was already very long, I don't want them to get mad at me, but I don't know how to stop either." instead of me actually being annoyed with myself. Most of the time my bad thoughts about me are just the anxiety that people will be mad, annoyed or bored while I'm talking..
Wow… you just put the internal feelings about my “ramblings”/long form talking into words
@@LaceyMyriah I was seriously scared of talking nonsense rubbish again so I'm glad someone understands what I was trying to say 😅
I laughed because I saw myself in this video. (my husband and I work in media and also have our own business). I laugh because people have no idea how long those slick videos take. Your videos have really helped me understand me, and my husband understand me. His attention span is much less. :oD I also laugh because I realize why I bore people by going on and on and a subject they *asked* me about. This video makes me feel less alone.Great to see someone be themselves. You are so appreciated!!
Ive wondered then doubted if my husband and/or myself are autistic. This video really has made it pretty clear....you like this, its just how we often are.
I want you to know that I found out I was autistic in part because of your videos. I was raised with all the horrible stereotypes for autism, and instead I was diagnosed as ADD. Your videos were some of the first to come up in my feed talking about what autism really was like. It led me to dive deeper into Autism and better understanding what it was and made me realize that I better fit autism then adhd.
I’m not sure, Anthony, about your experience and how you feel, but I was diagnosed with ADHD last year (age 30) and it helped a LOT but there’s definitely something missing - here I am finding it’s autism. I’m pursuing a dx, soon hopefully, but I’ll say the ADHD is still very present for me! Not at all saying it’s the case for you but I definitely experience both - and I know I’m not the only one :)
@@LaceyMyriah I mean it still might be, But one of the biggest things that I found is that for some reason the strategies I use to tackle My symptoms doesn't work for any of my friends who also have ADHD.
Also I have very low energy and I've never met anyone with ADHD that has low energy, and one thing I am definitely not is impulsive. I overthink everything constantly. I'm the type of person who will sit there staring at a menu for 30 minutes cuz I can't decide on something.
And the trait that led me to start looking up autism is my hypersensitive hearing. Even my mother said that I could hear a whisper across the house I still to this day swear she never whispers, but either way being able to pick up a full conversation when you're four rooms away is still pretty impressive. And I know people say that nails on chalkboard sounds painful but no it's physically painful for me. When you have high screeching sounds like that it actually feels like they're actually scraping those nails across my eardrum I thought that's how everybody felt but when I started learning about autism I found out that when people say a sound hurt they mean it metaphorically not physically.
Best video EVER! One of my favorite videos of yours is the short where you are having a meltdown over your son's school. What about inserting some bloopers at the end? That might appeal to more people: those that just want the facts, those that want to see the real Orion, and those that want to be entertained.
I could watch this for hours. I never had so much fun. You got talent, you're a genius. I couldn't entertain people seriously like you did here for so much time. You're just amazing. Subscribing now. 😍👍🤩🤩🤩
As an ADHDer and self diagnosed autistic, this is the best video. I feel like I could show this to someone to explain my brain when I’m masking and people say I can’t be autistic.
Same
I've been struggling SO much, unmasking and losing skills that I once had. It's nearly impossible for me to verbally communicate in a way that makes sense anymore. Thank you for this.