Woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder-Katarina
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ต.ค. 2023
- Soft White Underbelly interview and portrait of Katarina, a woman with dissociative identity disorder in Shelton, Connecticut.
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Hey guys, Katarina here!
I'm overwhelmed with all the love and comments. When I saw this video uploaded my heart pounded lol! Cause I was terrified of doing it and the possible negative responses to it. I know that there will be people who doubt me and dislike me; I have dealt with that my whole life so I get it. Not even just in regards to my diagnoses but in regards to my trauma and "belief" in my experiences. But in my heart, I know that only I know myself best. I've seen how it affects my loved ones throughout my life and the experiences I have dealt with my whole life and still do daily ..rather than believing strangers on the internet who don't even know me! This is a 25-minute snippet of my entire life!
As for those who have questioned.. Yes, I was diagnosed professionally by an actual medical professional. This video was taken over a month ago and since then I am back in therapy. I didn't know what DID even was until I was properly diagnosed by a mental health professional. I would NEVER do self-diagnosis. And I absolutely do not condone the 'trends' about it. I have only noticed those 'trends' on social media waaaay after being diagnosed.
It's something that makes me feel SEVERELY ashamed and is one of the reasons I came on here to talk about it. It's absolutely embarrassing to deal with something that is made fun of a lot or "acted" and there are a LOT of wrongful assumptions about DID and what it is supposed to look like! I still go through bouts where I reject any illnesses period even being depressed and will tell myself that I need to just try harder and stop being so weak. I keep this diagnosis extremely private because of this from pretty much everyone so doing this video was HUGE and out of my comfort zone for me.
In regards to "babbling" on and not being specific.. I'm just like that. It's hard for me to open up fully, period, and is one of the reasons I kept leaving therapists. Even with my partner of 10+ years, I still can't show him all parts of me whatsoever. I STILL am paranoid about him and even sometimes think my DOG is out to get me just to give you a picture lol! So of course in a 25 minute interview with a stranger I won't be able to open up fully, or say my symptoms.. I did the best I could, guys. Also.. all of these therapists that I had were from when I was 11-18. So I was just a kid. I didn't know better, I just knew something was wrong and that I was NOT okay.
I then stopped therapy at 18 and didn't find a therapist that helped until I was in my early 20's unexpectedly. I never was out "shopping" for a diagnosis. It isn't even what I desired. I just never truly feel safe with someone and my partner recommended that I find a safe space. And I knew that there was something wrong that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I deal with severe paranoia and therefore kept leaving therapists as well. Also, a lot of therapists were unfortunately just toxic and didn't have the best intent for me. It was very hard to speak in this video and I was horribly anxious the entire time. Because of this my mind kept running blank. I didn't know what to share or what not to share. It was very scary for me and my "parts".
Oh and as for my weight.. even though it's no ones business lol..... I've been dropping and gaining weight my entire life drastically ever since I was a little girl. I started gaining weight after exhibiting other signs of trauma and totally believe they are connected. There have been patterns my whole life from completely starving myself to fully binging. In the last 5 years alone, I have gone up and down 100+ pounds! I lost 135 on my own in 2020 and then gained 85 pounds of it back a year later lol. It really sucks. And yes that is with medical intervention and exercise and proper diet! I'm on medication for it now and am still getting my thyroid watched consistently. It's a difficult balancing process.
And in regards to work.. I absolutely LOVE to work because it keeps me busy. I have no intention of desiring to have a check given to me. It actually took me 5+ years of deciding to get help in regards to that. If you knew me, truly knew me, you'd know that I'm always looking for things to do. To keep busy. To better myself. To read more and learn more. But because of my mental health, I'm always fired when I hit severe low bouts. I lash out then forget, have panic attacks or have to completely miss work.
I even tried recently doing classes to become a CNA and my teacher kept having to console me outside of class because after a few weeks I started "breaking" and showing symptoms which sucked. I couldn't get through it no matter how much I tried. I try my hardest though and I always have. Gig work is the easiest because I can do what I can when I can but even that is hard and I can sometimes not be able to work for months at a time due to dissociation, severe depression and much more.
For those of you who sent love and support.. thank you from the bottom of my heart! I'm not trying to look for hate or attention. I wish peace and love to all of you! Thank you so much for all the love and recognition.. I'm hanging in there!
And I want to thank Mark for letting me meet up with him and giving me a safe space to talk.. thanks for the experience Mark!!! :) Love to you and love your videos ..
Thanks for sharing your story Katarina.
You are so intelligent and beautiful inside and out.
I didn’t get my BPD diagnosis until I was 39 and I completely understand your fear of abandonment and believing that the people closest to you dislike you.
Stay strong and know that people love you ❤
@@emilykateheath thank you so much emily ! Thats awhile to have gone without being properly diagnosed. I know its hard. Much love and hugs to you on your journey ♥️
Katarina, your story really makes me reexamine and self refllect. I struggle with CPSTD and have for at least 30 of my 58 yrs.
I have yet to find a therapist that is a good fit.. Blessings truly to you and know you're not alone. Love, Michelle.
@@michellerjackson5776 Finding a proper therapist is so immensely hard and takes time, you’re definitely not alone. Much love to you Michelle and thank you for your kindness ♥️
I’m just a voice on the internet but we believe you.
-a fellow diagnosed system
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
DID is directly caused by repeated abuse or trauma between the ages of I think 3 and 7 or 8. When the personality is developing. The host here which I’m assuming is the host, doesn’t remember the trauma because that’s the exact reason for the brain developing this. To protect from the trauma. There are alters/parts of the system and brain that specifically hold the trauma memories. It’s really fascinating what the brain can do behind our comprehension. I wish her all the best in her journey.
Or it's just people that use illnesses as a crutch. I've seen countless people make up that they have an illness as an excuse to be lazy, not socialize, or not get out of your shell. Especially in today's world. Everyone has some type of illness or disease, so it makes it hard to believe most people. None of these illnesses existed up until recently. Also how do you sexually abuse yourself? I've never heard of that once. After all the 24 psychiatrists she said she has not one of them can get her to remember her trauma? First time I'm hearing also that this DID is also a form of being trans? It just makes no sense.
@@ninakore war? I think you’re confusing people dissociating mentally with actual Dissociative Identity Disorder. It can’t be caused by one instance. It’s when it’s repeated, and the brain causes the young person to dissociate repeatedly as a young child. This is only causes during the young years when the personality is developing and before a person’s personality coalesces as a whole. It cannot be caused past that.
Well said…
Infancy to somewhere around 6, is what my psych team told me when I was diagnosed with C-DID. And there’s some debate right now in research circles as far as whether the age window and level of severity required might be _somewhat slightly_ different for OSDD (emphasis on slightly, because it still isn’t bullying in school or common family toxicity, like some roleplayers on the internet claim.)
Some people with OSDD were relabeled as having DID despite their being two very different conditions, back during the DDNOS reclassification, and it seems like a lot of the new information that’s come about since then has been muddied by the mix of two distinct groups. My NP has talked about that with me a lot: that a good amount of what he reads as being attributed to cases with DID would only apply to OSDD, and can’t be applied to cases like mine, but they share a label because of the DSM restructuring. All that to say, it’s probably different for both, but there’s not really going to be any definitive answer on that as long as the DID diagnosis isn’t consistently held to its real criteria, so different sources are going to say different things. Just make sure you’re reading genuine, evidence and research based materials and staying very skeptical of the rest 👍🏻
@@ninakore Prolonged, extreme, and inescapable-if experienced chronically between birth and about 6. Things like direct involvement or persecution during wartime can cause it _if_ the individual’s experience fits those criteria. Having surgery, even repeated surgeries, is a singular event (each). There’s time in between where surgeries aren’t happening. Loss of a person in your life does affect some people forever, but doesn’t qualify for this level of disruption of brain development. I’m really interested to know where you’re getting your information from.
What an intelligent and articulate young woman. I hope she reads through the comments so she understands how her story helps validate others’ stories and know that they are not alone. Best wishes Katarina. ❤
thank you so much!! much love to you
@@wordsbykatarina😊
Coming from a person who’s struggle as a black gay man with BPD since I was a kid, I never knew how to fully explain my diagnosis and Katarina here explained it beautifully. Thankfully, I’m at a point now where I have IMMENSE love for myself and know how to recognize my triggers and how to deal with them, but it took intense DBT classes and one more wallop of a trauma to finally break through my pattern I was in. And couldn’t go to my parents, the mental health issues that plague our community today is rarely ever talked about, let alone addressed in any way.
The emotional switches are DAUNTING as hell, I feel this absolute sense of happiness and then 2 secs later I’m crying and sad, and then 5 mins later back to happy again. I totally agree as well with her that I feel like the most sane in my family, my dad has been diagnosed with bipolar and psychosis and my mom is a paranoid schizophrenic who’s somewhere in skid row. Life isn’t easy, and you can’t control the hand you’ve been dealt but you definitely have to control on what you do with the hand. Thanks for all you do, Mark. And thank you Katarina, for your strength in telling your story.
Talking about this sorta shit is NOT easy especially with the kinda diagnoses we have, but each day we work on it, the closer we get to living a full fruitful and happy life 💖
I'm confused. Was race mentioned?
@@thefridge7335No… but I was just sharing my experience. Mental health within the black community are completely ignored amongst each other and pushed aside, other black people rarely even talk about it, especially my parents, my parents were more convinced about how they were gonna look by other people than actually making me better and having my condition and struggling with emotional regulation for years while being around people who thinks you’re just crazy and that what you’re feeling doesn’t exist. It gets to you after a while.
@@EzraSnow Oh right. I kinda forgot the stigma within communities. My culture is the same actually but I distanced myself a long time ago. Oops
@@thefridge7335 Yeah, earlier this year I legit blocked most of my family besides two of my older brothers and maybe some cousins, even then I keep a distance between them. Ever since then I feel a lot more content and at peace.
🖤🌺
Thank you for addressing that therapy can trigger a spiral. My husband started going to help get through his childhood trauma, and it caused a full mental breakdown for almost 2 years. We thought he had BPD, but he's being treated for bi polar, and the meds are working miracles. We're still working through a proper diagnosis... the current Healthcare system in america doesn't make these things easy. He disassociates A LOT but our life is finally in a place of healing. I know I'm my husband's biggest blessing. We've been together 21 years. Since we were 16 and if he was doing this alone I can't imagine where he would be. Our loved ones are being lost in the system because lack of addiction services and mental health services.
Thank for you for being brave and sharing your story. It's so helpful. Sending love and good energy to you.
You sound like an amazing partner fr..the kind tht shld be cherished! Bless up to u n ur husband n family...thanks for sharing give us some hopeeee❤
damn at 37 get the fuck over it. Menatl breakdown for 2 years, the problem is your searching for a diagnosis instead of him being strong enough to face himself. Theres nothing wrong with him, but your search for a diagonisis is causing his mental and emotional pain. He does not need to be diagnosied with anything. He needs to be strong enough to accpet himself his past and confront it.
@virtuteveritatis I couldn't agree more. Thanks for your words.
@amberadams2935 thank you. We are a work in process together. it's definitely not an easy pill to swallow that you can not help the person you love the most. But it's that love that helped me help him get the help he needs. This is our journey together but also we each have our own as well. Eventually we will get to the marriage counseling. It's a process.
Much love to you and your husband ❤
She's really good at explaining things ~ really good.
.... yes she'd be a good teacher or personal coach
DID is one of those conditions that seem like they can teach us a hell of a lot about the human psyche. As someone who doesn’t have it, it sounds scary to me, but it also seems like a loving thing that her brain/mind started to do to protect her in the most vulnerable stage of her life, so in a way it is a blessing.
It seems like a very positive sign that she is integrating, as this seems to suggest she’s acquired enough resilience through her maturation to start to process her experiences.
I wish her all the very best in this process, and hope that she will continue to get the most helpful support going forward so she can continue to resolve the struggles she goes through, and flourish.
I’d like to thank her for sharing her experiences. Sending all my very best!
What MPD/DID teaches us is how durable myths can be.
For me DID has been terrifying, but I'm much better now.
@@Waltham1892It probably seems that way to wilfully Ignorant people.
Thank you!!
no, cause it's all made up.
Bravo to this girl for coming on here and sharing this. I’m sure it was not easy !! Thank you for inviting us into your life I wish you nothing but love.
youre so sweet, that just made my day. i appreciate it!
This should be shown in schools
My immediate impression is that Katarina's obvious intelligence is her strongest weapon against her challenges and the judgement that many would pass against her for them.
❤
thank you so so much for saying that, i appreciate you!
@@wordsbykatarina The pleasure is mine, Katarina! You may want to consider a career in DID advocacy as an option in the future. You are very articulate, sympathetic, and candid--all of which are qualities that lend themselves so well to that field. Mis mejores deseos para ti, querida💖
muchas gracias!!
Katarina,
Thank you so very much. I am 50 now and have known about my D.I.D for a couple of years and want to say I've learnt so much more listening to you than those last two years!
Warmest of wishes,
Rochelle, aka many peeps!
thank YOU for watching.. i wish you luck on your journey and hugs
no you dont. you're a liar who should seek help
Shortly-ish after my own DID diagnosis, I started to question myself a lot because what I experience is no where near what I see people experiencing online. I don’t have defined alters or experience harsh switching throughout my day. My current therapist is adamant that in cases of complex and repeated trauma, like mine, it can be difficult to nail down an exact diagnosis. It can often be bits from a number of disorders because every person experiences life and the world and events differently.
But, the reason for this comment is that I found this excerpt from a Reddit post by an author called “amedicalprofessional” describing their DID and for me, it finally felt relatable.
“It is not a common experience to actually feel like you have multiple people inside you, all clearly defined and highly individualised. It is often presented like that in media, but it's really just not like that at all. DID is covert and most people who have it have no idea. I think of it as CPTSD with extra steps. It looks and feels very much like CPTSD, but it goes further. Your brain pushes the bad memories away but also groups them together and that group of memories and personality traits experience themselves as a person, separate from the rest of the self.
I always felt like I had multiple senses of self that I kind of drift between. Sometimes I have personality traits A B and C but other times I have personality traits D E and F. I feel like I move between clusters of personality traits, and when I feel connected to one cluster of traits, I am disconnected from all the others. I can look at a video of myself when I am connected to a different cluster of traits and I no longer recognise it as myself. It feels like I am looking at a different person and I have a lot of difficulty remembering what I was thinking and feeling at that time. I never really identified it as "oh that's my alter" though I can intellectually acknowledge that now. It just feels like it's not me.
Words like alter and part seem like things I should feel, I should have this sense of the boundaries between these parts inside me. But I really don't, I only really have an internal sense of "me" and "not me". While there are rough boundaries between these clusters of traits and memories, I don't automatically know them, it's only from going out of my way to get to know what other alters are like that I can recognise them and tell them apart. It fuels a lot of my denial, I feel like I am making up the distinction between alters, and I am just trying to draw lines between different parts of my personality. But the lines remain consistent even when i am not thinking about it at all, so ig I have to acknowledge they exist.”
She is amazingly articulate in the way that she explains DID and BPD. I’ve never understood exactly what they were but her explanations are so clear. She is also so smart and tough. Stay strong, you are a beautiful person!
Thank you for your interview, Katarina. Wishing you well❤
Thank you for sharing. I am currently going through EMDR for CPTSD. It is dark and hard on you physically. it's absolutely changing how I see myself in a good way. But It's also thrown me into one of the darkest depressions of my life. It's just part of the process I guess. Sending you and this community so much love!
Katarina… thank you so much for sharing your story. You had me crying at the end. I deal with the same diagnoses. I can tell that you’ve done a ton of inner work. Sending you love.
Katarina, you have so much to offer the world so just know your not alone. Keep true to yourself and focus on the positive things. Your amazing to share your story. Thanks.
You're*
@@sycofya1677 Thank You!! Don't
understand why it is so difficult to
comprehend the difference. About
98% of people use "your" incorrectly.
@@florairvan8305 it baffles me tremendously
What does she have to offer? I would love to hear you make up more frivolous lies so you can feel good about yourself.
Thank you so much.. 🥺
Beautiful person Katrina, well spoken, intelligent and genuine. Thank you for explaining some really hard stuff.
Wishing Katarina nothing but the best.💝
Thanks for the interview, Mark.
I had a histrionic narcissist mother and it is hard for therapists because we don't fit in the regular "fix" boxes.
EMDR was too brutal on me as well and just left me feeling worn out more than anything.
TRE, the newer version of emdr helped me more.
I have been no contact for 28 years and it does take a lifetimes to keep healing from these childhoods we don't even hardly remember.
I moved countries twice and changed my name to make sure that they would never find me.
@@albin2232 So sorry you had to do that and so proud of you that you did!
@@jooliagoolia9959 Thanks friend. It all worked well. I made a good choice. All the best to you.
Thank you so much for sharing sweetheart. I don't feel so alone now. I disassociate so much. Sending you love and light ❤❤❤❤🎉
I relate so much to this woman. Daily life is a struggle for us but we are SURVIVING AND THRIVING. Love and positivity to you sister.
D.I.D. is definitely a lot more rare than people would think.
according to McLean Hospital DID occurs in about 1% of the population about the same as people with bipolar...
It's super rare, in 23 years working in mental healthcare, I have never seen a legitimate case. It typically isn't diagnosed until people are in their late 30s and 40s because of how difficult it is to diagnose. It is the result of severe abuse.
@piamuran3557 there is no actual number because of how often it is misdiagnosed and how often it is mimicked.
@@loreleialexander8607 very true but still the experts believe at least 1% of the population, so one out of a hundred (or more) doesn't make it that rare
@@loreleialexander8607 I was diagnosed at 57 with osdd...
Great interview. Thank you for sharing this video with us. 👍🇨🇦😊
I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have this and not know. Knowledge is power. Strong young woman. I also really love this channel for sharing stories of real people living through real life challenges. Wow, the honesty is such a game changer for me who’s currently on a mental health journey of my own.
I’m not here to diagnose anyone but share some information. There are many different types of seizures that people stay conscious, or semi-conscious for. There are seizures that can make your personality change drastically. Depending on what part of the brain the seizure is in, a person can have a rush or emotions, good or bad, and can have low impulse control. There are so many different types of focal seizures that frankly can look like mental illness sometimes.
When she described twitching, eye blinking, missing time, and being triggered by a tv show, that also reminds me of seizures. For instance absence seizures are just a period of blinking out and missing time. They happen mostly to children and many of the children with them (also called petite mal seizures) grow out of them. There are even types of seizures that make you feel destructive towards yourself or others or objects. One huge problem you will find though is that not many Doctors even know about this. Some of these are very rare problems. But absence seizures are not.
Just putting that out there.
Yes I have a son who was diagnosed with "motor seizures". To this day we don't know much, but only because he was diagnosed when he was about to graduate from high school, and he refuses to continue to see his neurologist. 😞 He was initially prescribed seizure meds, but he refuses to take it. They are not the type of seizures we all probably think of when you think of a seizure, it is more like you said, "focal," or as I like to describe them, "spacing out" or being in a daydream sort of transe. I hope that makes sense.
Edit: forgot to also add that he has a diagnosis of Global Aphasia along with this.
Thank you for sharing
I am experiencing something similar that was diagnosed as PNES.
It's a good point that seizures like this exist, and there probably is some misdiagnosis both ways, but DID has many other aspects that are far beyond what seizures can do. A lot of people mistake switching for seizures before they are diagnosed with DID because when you don't know about switching, seizures seem like a good guess. In DID, the alters have a consistency in how they are- she mentioned how one system (person with DID) can have alters with different genders, sexual orientations, preferences, abilities, even different health problems and eyesight. The alters are full people who can each have their own long-term relationships, careers, talents (one can compose on the piano while none of the othrs can play or read music for instance). The richness of the lives of each alter, who also has their own set of memories, etc, is so consistent and pervasive for years and years, this isn't something that can be caused by something like a seizure in the moment.
[long comment] Skeptically glad to see someone talk about this, although some points have me a little confused/concerned. I was diagnosed with this myself a couple years ago, without knowing that I’ve had it my entire life since infancy. There is nothing quite like hearing someone tell you that there are so many hundreds and thousands of hours and days that have existed in your life that you never knew about. I also didn’t have school in my life (I learned how to read once I was on my own at 14-17ish, didn’t know until recently that I have a GED from probably sometime after that.) For me it comes from an extreme traf🦋 situation from birth to 14. Currently not considered a candidate for related RAD, CPTSD, PNES, etc disability ‘treatment’ anymore because of how dangerous it was for me, but the DID factor is frankly innocuous compared to what I actually go through every day. I’m told that some other parts do do therapy for their own stuff and shit like that, and that’s fine-it doesn’t affect me. That’s kinda the whole thing.
My life is 100% seamless to me, despite apparently losing 20hr to multiple days in a row every day. Without constantly looking at my watch, I would have *no* way of knowing that the date is suddenly 3 days after what I think I was just doing a minute ago. And until I was told about my diagnosis, which they said they’d already told several other parts before me, I didn’t even know that my watch changing or my surroundings suddenly being different even COULD indicate time passing. There is no sense of loss whatsoever, let alone any notion let alone that other things I’m not aware of could be going on.
I don’t get memories, learned knowledge/skills, emotions, interests, wants, communication, influence, etc. from anyone else. I have no internal awareness of having this at all-and according to my team, that’s the same for all of ours and 100% expected of this dx. (Edit: before anyone asks, I can’t say how it would affect things like working or school, because I’m not able to do either. We’re not even allowed to drive due to the mix of some parts with separate issues like mine, and the DID diagnosis itself.)
They say that a lot of parts have been told already, but it’s likely some exist that haven’t. The problem is that I was diagnosed during a three-year stretch of being passed around between hospitals, where the same (groups of) staff were always around and able to introduce themselves+share information to everybody. Being out of facility now, nobody who they didn’t get to is going to know that a) they have this at all, b) they should reach out to our team to find out, and for some, c) that our psych team even exists. So it’s not likely that they’re going to find out any time soon-not until the next longterm IP stay.
Communication is done through leaving notes around and hoping the right guy finds it but that kinda only works if the recipient finds the note and knows it’s for them…which then you have to just hope they did, because without physical evidence (that you only hope they really left themselves,) there’s just no way to know. There’s no way to know anything about anyone else, from their existence to their skills to their daily life activities-without either seeing it written somewhere or being told by an external observer (and in both cases, you have to just decide if you believe it or not.)
I still _don’t_ fully believe everything my psych team says about other parts or what they do/what they’re like, etc.-but I’m happy they got to me and told me anything at all _before_ I had heard of the disorder. Had I seen the internet’s caricature of the disorder before my dx, I wouldn’t have even entertained the thought that I might have it. The state of misinformation and deliberate deception online right now is staggering. 13 year olds adopting a neurodevelopmental disorder that they don’t have and then trying to rewrite/‘correct’ the criteria so they fit is dangerous. I’ve had _really_ dangerous experiences in so-called ‘plural’ circles since my diagnosis, so now I avoid them like a virus.
I hope she continues to find answers and a path that’s right for her, and truly that doing this interview doesn’t get her any retaliation, or worse. Her experience doesn’t reflect mine, but I don’t wish any harm to her.
What kind of retaliation and from whom, if you don’t mind answering? I am so sorry you had to go through SA. Just your brief comment blows me away! I had no idea that it’s that complex. I grew up with a mother with BPD and it has affected me tremendously over my 58 years. I wish you the best.
@@Dmarkd16DID is a contentious topic online right now. You’ll get people who just don’t believe it exists; people who only know about it through movies and think that gives them the right to un-diagnose others if they don’t fit the horror stereotypes; self-diagnosed people (a LOT of 13-17 year olds) who don’t want to believe in the current criteria and will seriously go after anyone who talks about symptoms that the medical world would perceive as more ‘real’ than theirs. People who do believe in it but, because it is a rare condition, will NEVER believe anyone who says they’re diagnosed with it. People who don’t believe it’s a disorder and use the comments section to start an argument about how medicine causes illness and spout off nonsense theories about what’s really going on. Always one of two of the ‘I think everyone has different personalities, its normal!’ crowd. Believers in iatrogenic DID. People who demonize the disorder as violent and scary (I’ve encountered this IRL-was kicked out of the only wheelchair accessible harm reduction program in my city because my In Case of Emergency card lists my diagnosis.) Abusers and their defenders who don’t want victims speaking at all. Possibly people tied to her own life who may be looking for her, if her situation is anything like mine. You name it.
I recognize that a lot of what she* describes doesn’t fit the diagnostic criteria that my records say I was held to, or my experience- but I’m not about to make judgments on _her_. Misdiagnosis does happen (especially since the DSM reclassification of DDNOS, and the uptick in children self-diagnosing and asking for a dx from small town therapists who don’t know any better) - but it isn’t my place to even speculate that the person who diagnosed her wasn’t right…even though that whole segment sounded a little strange and a lot like doctor shopping. I just wish her the best 🤷
I can only imagine how incredibly debilitating and confusing this condition makes your life. Adding insult to injury, youll find certain people doubt that you're experiencing this on a daily basis. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
@@morgenmachen2400It’s definitely not fun. Not being allowed to try for a driver’s license is awful. I’m in a wheelchair and my city isn’t walkable at all, plus we have next to zero public transportation, and I’m not able to use rideshares. The plus side is I’m also barely able to leave the house, but oftentimes when I can at least try, I can’t get to where I’d want to go anyway.
It’s very frustrating to have one can of beans or soup left in the entire apartment, and I SEE it, and I look away to do one thing and then suddenly it’s gone and I check my watch and the date has changed.
I’ve had endless trouble at the bank because my account keeps getting flagged for suspicious activity. Even had a bit of greater legal trouble because I had multiple accounts out that I didn’t know about and they all had ‘suspicious activity.’ That’s the struggle of not being able to relate information to each other: now I’ve seen that my debit card pin, laptop password, phone password, and SSN are written down in my wallet but nobody who doesn’t know that those things even exist would go looking for them. I recall finding a new laptop on my desk once and thankfully that was after I was told about my dx, but it made me realize there was money somewhere I didn’t know about and probably a HUGE amount had been spent on it. I stored my laptop in a bag under the desk…someone must not have known we already had one.
Having extended conversations with people not in-person is also hard because I’ll be in the middle of a text/DM thread and suddenly be accused of not replying for days or weeks. Like right after we just spoke. Not many people stick around and until I was diagnosed, I never understood what they were talking about. Constantly being called unreliable and told that I never follow through on what I say I’m going to do when in my mind, I do everything I can in perfectly reasonable time.
It’s not easy, but that’s kind of the extent that you experience of actually having this (not including related issues that yes, for me are unbearable.) It’s kind of a disorder that entirely exists _outside_ of your own life. That’s why I didn’t know I had it until I was told. The hardest part is just believing what you’re told about others, about the day, etc. But thank you. x
@@jasond.b-w Have you ever recorded yourself with a message that says "watch me" that explains your DID and who YOU are in the moment in the hopes that another will see it and see 'themselves' talking about themself in a way they don't recognize? To connect dots? Do you think that the others might hold the same skepticism as you? Disbelief that it's not as it is?
This was one of the most interesting videos as I have never heard anyone speak of this particular disorder its absolutely fascinating to me and I think Katarina is so strong and brave for openly talking about everything and explaining it so well! There are individuals in my family with mental illness and this is by far the best way that I am learning about it (through other people talking about it). Katerina you are so smart and mature for your age you are an absolute inspiration! I hope you continue to keep moving forward and learning more about yourself and can find happiness in everyday. Just because you fwel you are not following what everyone else in life is doing dosent mean you do not deserve happiness. Would be great to see how your other voices speak as in their viewpoint on life and past etc.
Your amazing girl!!
Oh Rachel thank you so so much for your kind comment! Learning is absolutely the best thing you can do for your loved ones who have mental illness.. bravo to you on that. Most loved ones do not even bother with that. And thank you.. I'm doing the absolute best I can everyday and try my hardest. And as how the other 'voices' present to me.. I would very much enjoy to make a video or something in regards to that on my personal channel; that would be interesting.
Love and hugs to you!
She is a really good speaker and is very empathetic. I can definitely see her working as a life coach for other people who are struggling
Thank you so much for that. Its actually I thought I have eventually ♥️
I agreed! I can see her helping and working with youth who are struggling with a similar disorder. She has a comforting voice ❤
Thank you for being allowing yourself to be vulnerable and share your story. Hugs 🫂
I take care of my mom and she has D.I.D. And wasn’t aware until she was 52 she’s about to be 65 and it’s always a learning process bless these ppl amen you are amazing
It is absolutely an everyday journey. Bless you for taking care of her ♥️
Thank you for sharing your story. You are so incredibly amazing ❤
Katarina you are spectacular and courageous and beautiful!! The fact that you sought treatment for this at a younger age is remarkable and imperative. There are people who have these afflictions who live until 80 years old, never being diagnosed or seeking treatment; destroying their own lives and the lives of others. Sometimes to the extreme. My ex-girlfriend has (undiagnosed) DID BPD/HPD. She's 52 now and STILL in denial. She attributes everything to her just having 'Depression' and being 'Forgetful' and 'Naive'. She is Brazilian but has been living in the USA for 25 years. Her culture strongly frowns upon any type of mental health intervention; despite her being Americanized. The amount of destruction she has caused to her own life and relationships, is endless. It's so sad. I recognized her issues immediately but stuck it out, to my own detriment. Hearing you speak about your symptoms, reminds me so much about how she would act. It's almost identical. Anyway, this is about YOU and YOU are so brave and courageous. Keep working at this. We are all rooting for you❤❤❤
Thank you for saying that. It's been a severely exhausting and long journey more than I could put into words. That I'm obviously still coping with everyday. I completely understand about the correlation between culture and mental health because of my own background. I'm truly sorry your ex dealt with that/deals with that.. I hope the video wasn't too triggering for you in that sense! Thank you.. I definitely am working on it everyday! Much love and hugs to you..
I agree wholeheartedly that you are going to find your way. Your humility and honesty are so refreshing. Please keep believing and trusting those who hold you up. You are so incredibly brave. Brava Soula! xxxx
Thank you.. 🥺♥️
Sending prayers to you hon. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL> YOU ARE STRONG>YOU ARE LOVED>AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS . Trust and believe.
I have these exact three affirmations written across the bathroom mirror in my home for my daughters to internalise for themselves daily
katarina here.. thank you so so much.. your words mean everything to me!
Thank you for sharing your story Katarina, i too am diagnosed with BPD and was only diagnosed 3 years ago, i am now 50! So maybe the oldest to get diagnosed haha! I have been through so much all my life, never knowing why i was how i am, lots of trauma (mostly maybe created by myself) lots of impulsive choices and this internal rage that never seems to lessen.
I am medicated now, and i am in DBT therapy which i am finding quite helpful.
You made me realise that it is a whole journey, and we have a very different experience out in the world than most, it is a pretty painful lonely existence but i will never give up! As your tattoo says, i hope one day something will click and it will all make sense, but maybe its ok if that doesn’t happen and this is just my story and my own personal battle. Love to all in the BPD community, despite what people think, we are the ones who need the love and understanding more than others 🖤
Thank you so much for watching.. much love to you too and thank you for sharing ❤🥺
Love you are speaking on this ❤️! Glad that you are in Therapy . Also with God all mighty all things are possible
I can relate to her story so much. Thank you for sharing! ♥️
Her smiling in the end was great to see❤🙏🏽
EMDR makes you relive the core trauma. It was awful when the lock down happened Lost my medical insurance amd couldn't pay formy therpy anymore.I have been left with massive emotional issues I can't deal with now that the can of worms have been opened, i dont know if i have DID but i have BPD, Splitting is the most awful and insecure feelings I have ever experienced. My loss of ny identity hit me pretty hard in my forties I had no fucking idea who I was. It was *extremely painful* I admire Katerina for having the courage to talk about so openly such stigmatizing disorders. My heart and love goes out to you because I understand your struggle.
Your resilience and ability to see yourself as your own best advocate is very inspiring. Im learning to lean on me now more than ever and its so hard but its one right move at a time. So much love from canada 🇨🇦
She is so sweet! What a kind caring and gentle soul ❤
thank you 🥰
❤ beautiful person- your determination to find peace with your diagnosis is inspiring. Blessings 🕊️🙏🏻
I feel like you were speaking for me. It makes me feel not so alone. Thank you for being so authentic. I have tears.
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful soul’s journey ❤
Thank you Katarina, for being so brave despite of being afraid. I know, it’s very hard to talk about your story. I have fibromyalgia and I probably have other issues and things that come with it. I hear you and we hear you and wish you all the best and everything nice! Hugs 🤗
Thank you so so much.. I know how difficult it is and absolutely send you hugs and love..
Good luck for the future you seem such a nice person I hope you learn to control your illness and shine like the star you are ❤
A well spoken young woman. I can certainly empathize with her. I feel like she’d be a good therapist herself
It’s truly amazing she’s still alive and doing as well as she is ❤. I grew up with a mother with BPD among other MH issues, I sympathize. I pray she lives a happier life with less hardships and lots of love and understanding. I hope you can get a free lawyer to help you get your SSD, you need it & deserve it.
i have bpd and fibromialgia as well and i really connected with her on a level that wow..... it's really relieving to know thar there's ppl out there that struggle with the same shit i do, it's all very lonely.
i wish her the best!!!
Wjat a beautifully well spoken woman and so self aware, you shine xx
thank you so much
Proud of you. Thanks for doing the video.
She's a lovely person. I wish her all the best.
I really related and found this informative. Thank you for sharing!
Aww thank you so much
I'm also from Bridgeport. I don't have DID but do have BPD. Thank you for telling your story ❤
thank you!! hugs to you
She feels safe where she is right now and she will stay here.
I have ptsd, I tell my therapist to take me to wherever I need to go, to pull it all out. At 40, my fear is becoming too comfortable in my Safe Place. I kept safe for decades.
My dearest love, Katarina,
I am so, so proud of you for taking the step to make this happen. For meeting up with Mark, swallowing your fear and just taking the leap and going for it. I know it was hard for your entire system as they fought one another over the safety of you trekking the city to see a stranger and be recorded speaking about one of the most vulnerable things you could muster the courage to express. But you did it. You did it, and here is the result!
There are a majority of comments here that are positive and uplifting and it's these people that I personally thank with all of my heart because this is what you deserve. You deserve for people to be understanding of your weaknesses and that see them as strengths. All of these people who assume the worst and defame you, even though they don't know you -- this is what happens when you have someone who is lonely and bored with their life and who has nothing better to do than to tear someone else down to make themselves feel better.
You are a beautiful survivor and your feelings and experiences are valid and real.
I have known you since we were 11 years old; now that I think about it, I may have even still been 10! Point being, I think I know you well enough to say that I KNOW you... and to be able to muster enough courage to put yourself out there for the world to see is enough to prove to yourself that you are worth SOMETHING. Look at all the people you are already helping just by sharing your story... F**k the haters. There will always, always be haters and they will always hate.
But you, my dear, are love itself. And love is so much more powerful ❤
- SMG
I love you
@@wordsbykatarina I love you too ❤️
I have a feeling the teeny tiny snapshots of a person we see in these imterviews would take on a whole new meaning if we could follow them for a day or more. I have no idea the struggle it must be for Katarina, and wish her and everyone struggling mightily the best! Hang in there!!!
Thank you .. 🙏🏼 ❤🥺
Even setting aside that im a parent of a 6, 11 + 13 year old I'm very worried for this generation.
What specific concern(s) do you have?
@@thefridge7335 its hard to know where to begin - the plethora of available information, combined with over exposure to social media and lack of mental health providers creates a unique kind of problem. Then add to that the way that our country has only become more and more polarized. The rising costs of living. Cost of getting an education. The QUALITY of that education. Overpopulation. Climate crisis. Housing market. AI. The things that literally keep me up at night...
@@thefridge7335Look around, be aware of your surrounding and than you can answer this one for yourself.
Thanks for increasing awareness thru your interviews. You’re very special Mark! 👏😀👍
I agree. I enjoy his channel alot💝
Glad you can recognise your triggers and you have a good relationship with your significant other love and healing to you
My heart goes out to this woman. Having BPD is a rollercoaster for the people who have it, and their immediate family members. It is as real as the day is long, and the people who suffer from it can often see themselves.. know that their behavior is not appropriate.. but are powerless to control the urges to push their closest loved ones away, or behave meanly towards them. Emotional stability is the most difficult and elusive thing. Trusting others, which is obviously a requisite for long lasting, deep relationships, is very difficult for those with BPD, and when they *do* trust, their emotional dysregulation often sabotages the relationship, which, ironically, confirms their worst fear-- that of abandonment. I have nothing but sympathy, and the best wishes for this young woman to find happiness, and people in her life whom she feels forever safe with.
You are 110% percent right about all of that. Thank you so much for your support I truly appreciate it!
You are so nice and brave! Hope you feel better by now
Trying to take it a day at a time. Thank you for your support!
It's super confusing as to why people are being so mean and hateful to this young lady. She has every right to tell her story without being bashed. Why the need to be hateful? You don't really know what someone is dealing with unless you are in their shoes. If you can't do anything else, be kind and respectful. It takes a lot of courage to tell your story on a platform with over five million-subscribers.
The reason people are responding to her negatively is, the common understanding of DID/MPD is that it was a clinical fad of the 1980's and 1990's. The theoretical underpinnings of the disorder have been completely discredited by Neuro and Cognitive Psychology.
Those who say they have DID/MPD have either been talked into it by clinicians with their own issues, or, its an attention seeking ploy by those with more mundane personality disorders.
No one likes being manipulated for sympathy.
There are just too many people who claim they have this. Period. And I have done my research. It's bogus. Completely discredited. She's a liar. She is probably suffering from something but it's not DID.
@@flowersforthedead5182 you are so wise, so knowledgeable , we must all seek your wisdom- for you and only you know truth lol may we all be blessed by your diligence, your unquestionable research .
What are you talking about? Almost all the comments are fawning over her and praising her that I've seen. It's the internet. It's a public forum. Take the good with the bad. Stop trying to censor people.
Thank you for sharing ❤
Lots of empathy for her. We let people fall through the cracks because we have no basic income for people who literally cannot run out the house each day to bring in the bucks. You are far from alone, & count myself in this tribe right now, & at many times in the past. Hang in there. You have a lot to offer both yourself & others. 🌻
Yep. At this point im too disabled to even apply for disability🤦♀️ despite telling my parents something was physically wrong w me as a child(always nauseous, terrible allergies, back pain, dislocations, fainting, migranes, brain fog, memory and attention issues etc) they just completely ignored it and made me believe that I was fine, just a complainer. Then I had kids and all hell broke loose bc not only did I continue falling apart, but also gave my kids my conditions unknowingly bc I literally just thought it was normal to be completely miserable and dysfunctional until I was about 25. I've since received at least 75 diagnoses and would like to apply for disability but I'm currently so handicapped that I cant🤦♀️ as an adult, I also found out that I was diagnosed w aspergers and adhd when I was 4 but nobody ever told me🥴
@@pocasanchez I hear you. I fell thru the cracks at disability, got denied. I needed a better lawyer. Sounds like you'd qualify. If someone can be put in charge of contacting all prior & current medical providers so that's less strain on you. If you win, generally the attorney gets paid then. One top I learned after denial: whether true or not, get it on your records you must take several naps a day to even function. Without extra sleep, you can't take care of any daily activities whatsoever. Also, downplay any education you have. College degree? Don't admit it. High school diploma or he'd? Never got one. Half of what sank me was all the post-grad. And sensitivities to chemicals. You gotta head the judge off at the pass. Mine told me I qualified to be an underground garage parking stall ticket taker. For minimum wage. After I'd paid into the system for four decades. Don't give up, most get denied, some appeals DO work. Take care of yourself.
Please don't advise people to lie, it will not help your case. Getting disability is a,long, torturous process. But you can reapply with a different atty. I was awarded disability after having my neck fractured when I was rear ended in a car accident, having numerous surgeries.
I wish you luck in the process, but believe me, there are certain questions and interview techniques they use to establish a truthful narrative.
@@sarahalbers5555 I'm glad it worked out for you but for many it doesn't. I have found honesty is situation-dependent, unfortunately. With medical issues I don't get heard unless I'm extremely vocal. If someone can hire a good enough attorney they will tell you exactly how to frame things prior to your interview with disability. Theyll instrust you how to navigate questions.
Your case sounds hard medically. It's a gray area when it comes to depression, anxiety, schizophrenia. Someone I know with schizophrenia told the judge she hears voices. She doesn't. Another person I know exaggerated his anxiety through the roof. They both got disability. I exaggerated nothing. Didn't get it.
Last, I heard a few times that Minnesota is a relatively easy state to win a case. I'm now old enough to apply for SS retirement (not much), but I wasn't about to work at all whatsoever for at least half a decade. I fell through the cracks, went homeless. Horrible. If it weren't for family support, who knows where I'd be. So I'm all for getting through this system any way you can.
I love the self awareness. I’m proud of her!!!! ❤❤
It’s hard to do the healing work. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 but it will set you free 💕💕💕
thank you so much.. it is severly hard. one day at a time !
awesome episode
You go girl!
I truly wish you the best
Thank you ♥️🙏🏼
Her story and mine are so similar, it's like watching myself. Validating.
Thank you, Katarina, for bravely sharing your story.
You are an inspiration for speaking out. So much of this resinates with me.
I survived childhood sexual abuse from multiple males before the age of 13.
I can't remember most of my childhood.
As an adult, I am a healthcare professional, without the trauma I wouldn't have the 6th sense that makes me an excellent healer.
At almost 50, I refuse to allow my past dictate my future
Sexual abuse is so hard on the psyche as a child. It's soul crushing. I'm so incredibly sorry you went through that. thank you for the support... much love to you emma
@@wordsbykatarina much love to you. I remind myself often that events can scar you, it's ok to have scars.. But don't keep picking away at them so they keep bleeding...
Don't let the past control your future.
It's just a chapter of your life.. Not the whole story.
Keep up your good work.
The brain’s ability to “protectively forget” is such a peculiar thought. In one hand it’s such a blessing and remains as such until you seek counsel for what is perhaps seemingly unrelated to “unremembered” trauma, then triggering a spiral into the most traumatic events of your life is maddening in and of itself. “You don’t know what you don’t know” and then a therapist “reminds you”. That’s tragic too, your brain did its job and then it’s undone. In the chaos of my comment here I remember this very thing happening to my own mom…until I was 9 she was an interactive, involved, happy mom. She and my dad were having a marriage issue in which she sought therapy for, and somehow that spiraled into 30 years of her childhood trauma relived, reminded, and perhaps not entirely real according to her family (they say some is “real” and some is exaggerated and some is hands down not true, either way, she now lived all of it as truth so the bottom line never really mattered) 🤷🏼♀️ Tragically she passed away when she was 57. I often wonder had she never seen “Bob” (her therapist who became a household name, that I still to this day somewhat resent) would she have been able to love her life still? Was the mom I had before Bob only an illusion? I missed her everyday while she was here, and now that she’s gone, I miss them both.
We need to see more interviews like this. This disorder is very controversial in the psychological world. Thanks for your bravery Katarina.
Her voice is so calming
Bless her heart...
".. I have myself. And others. *laughs*" lol I had to laugh with you, Kat!! Sorry, idk if you are okay with being called Kat, I have a thing with nicknames. Anyway, I can't say I know what you go through but I admire your resilience and courageousness to share your story. I'm proud of the strides you've made and I'm rooting for you!! 💜
I am checking in on Rebecca!! I hope all is well because I am missing him/her.
Katrina, I'm sorry for some of the vile comments that people feel the need to make. I believe you and know that your struggle is real.You are an extremely self aware and obviously highly intelligent young woman and I believe that with those superpowers and perseverance you will go far in this life and achieve more than you ever thought possible. Blessings on your journey.
Thank you.. ♥️
Good morning everyone!
“I CAN count on myself” YES YOU CAN BOO 😭😭
This young lady is a survivor. And yes, she can count on herself and her system 😊
I just wanted to say I don’t know what you might he going through Or what situation you’re in right now but I no god is there for you and he loves you God bless everyone who came across.🇧🇸❤️Marcia
i’m somebody who had the condition for a long time. it’s nice to see somebody else’s story of it.
Scapulario ❤️ Estás en buenas manos con nuestra señora 🙏
Brainspotting was discovered from EMDR and is highly effective. I have professional experience witnessing how healing Brainspotting is, especially with trauma related diagnosis such as BPD and DID. Wishing you profound healing ❤
I truly relate to this so much.
Katarina you are so present, aware, and so educated on your comprehensive conditions. I’m sure that can be a double edged sword however you convey a calmness and assuredness to stay in control of well being. I wish and pray for your continued development to find some peace. Yes, financial security is a very real and ongoing stress, keep focused on making yourself the vital human that you are as I believe that energy will reciprocate.
Thank you immensely for your kind words susan.. appreciate you!
Wow, so nice to hear a person interviewed being Cuban 🇨🇺
I was born in Cuba and I came to the United States in 1996.
I lived the special period in Cuba which was the worst time for Cubans because of the fall of the Soviet Union. There was a lot of hunger let me tell you …. And we only had electricity about 8 hours a day. My twin brother and I were born only weighing 4 pounds. Our triplet sister didn’t make it. Idk how my mom did it, there was no meat at all and she says she mainly ate Coleslaw during her pregnancy. She also didn’t know she had triplets until the day of her C-Section. Thankfully I was born prematurely because I would’ve been born the day that hurricane andrew hit Cuba & Miami. And the living conditions in Cuba only became worse .. 😢
. thank [YOU] for sharing
@katarina Hubs is BPD. Micro was effective but guided macro was life changing. 100% asymptomatic months after
What a sweet, wise, gentle, old, soul.
Thanks for sharing
So THANKFUL you did / interviewed an individual with DID. I’ve done (currently) doing EMDR, but do not have DID. I’ve found it helpful. I Hope one day you’ll overcome your trauma, and your System can merge into one. I’ve followed many people with DID via TH-cam over the years. And I know / it sounds very challenging… So brave of you and your system for sharing.. ❤
Hey Katarina, you are an amazing person. Take care!
Best 24 minutes of my life keep it up Mark
It’s only been posted for 10 minutes so you definitely didn’t watch all 24 minutes 😅
@@Creeping-creature😂 😂 😂 stopppp!!!! 😂 😂
@@jaimelovemac88 it’s true tho 🤷🏼♀️
@@Creeping-creatureWhen you've been around for 4 decades like myself, you know, it's a bot comment.
@@towerofresonance4877 not quite 4, but not far off😂 but you’re right no I didn’t know bot commented 😅
The last psychiatrist I saw said they think i have bpd but it cld be bipolar. All she had to go off was what i told her (im pretty self aware). Prior to that a psychiatrist told me they thought i had bipolar 2 with bpd characteristics. I definitely understand some of what shes going thru. Its exhausting
Emotional abuse, neglect and sexual abuse has more of a significant impact on n individual then physical abuse.
I have bpd and she explains this so well .
thank you so much