You seem like such a lovely, kind, compassionate, articulate wonderfully sensitive person. I know you can't see it. I'm currently going through rough waters as well. You're videos have been quite a comfort. Thanks.
Jonny, we dont know each other but i feel so much love for you. I really believe your videos are helping others to cope with their own mental illness because they can see by your example that you can survive this. you did the right thing going to hospital and not ignoring your symptoms, now you will continue to improve at home im sure. You are a strong man jonny, you can recover as you have in the past just dont force it to happen. these things take a little time. Im proud of you for sticking with yourself and with us your viewers, you really do help us. Thankyou.
Jonny, so happy to see you, thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. I hope you will feel better with every day. You are such a beautiful and kind and generous person. It's a paradox that being so scared you encourage and empower everyone watching this recoverlog. Thank you su much. Hope you will get well, soon, it will happen, it will.
I completely get this . Coming out of hospital is defos one of the hardest adjustment . You're amazing for speaking about your struggles &every day you show me inspiration , your amazing. - keep talking
I'm just glad you're still with us! I was worried about you.My closest friend had similar hospital experiences to you.She dreaded going in but when it was time to come out she just couldn't face her life so she went back in! She spent the majority of 2013 in and out of hospital until she found the right medication and outside support to help her live her life on her own.I'm telling you this to let you know that if you feel like you can't cope and you need to go back then you should.Only you really know how you feel inside and I just want you to get better.
Congratulations on coming out of hospital, it was a brave decision to go back. It's mega scary being faced with the world again, but I'm glad to hear you're determined to get better. :)
Were with you on your journey thru mental illness.hoping you get better very very soon! Your good person that deserves better! Take care of yourself Buddy and please don't end life. It would be too big loss to the world. You mean a lot to many people for real!
Jonny Benjamin, I just found you on you tube when I googled "getting off clozeril". My daughter is in the hospital right now, and has been for four months. I want her home and she wants to be home. And if it was just her and me, we would be on the beach in Hawaii, but my husband (her dad) wants the doctors to "fix" schizophrenia. When I go see my daughter tomorrow, I'm talking my iPad so I can show her some of your videos. You are so brave and strong. You are not a coward and your are not vain. You are very handsome, and I bet your are good to your mom. Johnny means "God is gracious" and Benjamin means "Son of my right hand". God has a special plan for you and Christ is counting on you, and you can count on Him. You are an overcomer! Be blessed with mercy, grace and favor each day, and know they are new each day, and you can wake up each day, and claim the truth, that this is the new day the Lord has made, and you can choose to be glad and rejoice in it, and know who you are and whose you are, because you are a child of God and he loves you so much.
So glad to see your okay! I was worried, strange how just a stranger like myself can be worried about you who isnt a stranger to me but your videos helped me and its makes me happy to know your still here. Keep fighting and stay strong c:
So glad you're still with us Johnny, well done on going into hospital, i know its difficult but i really hope things get better. Hang in there, we all love and support you
Oh Jonny it is SO good to see you again, please know that you have so many people here for you, even if we are strangers. Every day I think of your words 'you are not your thoughts', and it's helped me more than you know. Be safe and be kind to yourself. x
Stay strong! Hope you feel better soon. I've gone up and down recently and I believe you can do it. Well done for speaking out. (I don't know if you remember me but I commented on one of you videos about panic attacks and you replied ) xox
You're doing so well and I'm glad that you've left the hospital but I understand it's very scary! If you ever need anyone to chat to Jonny, Fiona and I are always around to listen and support you! x
We spent our Christmas and New Year in the same place far far away for each other. I want to say thank you for your videos. I hope you get some pleasure knowing how you help others like me.
Mr Jonny, thank you for sharing your struggles and recent experiences. At the end of your clip you mentioned "hopefully Ill get there"; I want to reassure you that you will. Like you I too have been struggling over the past few months. I too have now finished my therapy and CBT, and yes, the World seems scary, however I want you to hold onto a place you have been before; and that is when you were well. I remember you being interviewed on ITV Daybreak and it was your contribution which was a catalyst into me getting the help I needed. You sharing your experience gave me hope that I too will one day be better and able to cope with the anxiety and depression which hindered me from doing the basis of tasks; such as taking a bath, cleaning my teeth, eating healthy foods. I now see myself slowly getting back to some of the pastimes I enjoy; this is a sign that I am making recovery. Mr Jonny you have done it before and in time you too will be able to look back and realise that life is not so murky. Like you I too did not want to leave hospital, I too felt safe, I felt those around me knew my struggles and I did not have to explain my behaviour. Coming out of hospital is a sign that you have made progress otherwise they would not have discharged you. Mr Jonny, I feel your pain and heartache and today want you to know that others are with you on this. By you loading this video blog has encouraged me this morning to do something I have avoided for months; open my curtains. Whilst to most it may seem trivial in my World it is a "huge step for mankind". So, as I write this to you I am now allowing the winter sun to pour into my living room, something I was not able to do until now. Mr Jonny, thank you for being an ambassador as your contributions has made a huge impact on me. Stefan
Stefan Attrill Stefan you are so brave and strong. Thank-you for sharing your experiences with me. I know how tough it must have been to open up the curtains but you did it. You're making progress and you should give yourself credit for how far you have come. Keep going-you are on the right path friend.
Hi Jonny. So glad you are out of hospital. Thanks for sharing another video with us. You do so much for so many others by sharing your feelings like this. Big hugs for you from Valleri and me
Here for you wherever your journey takes you. Wrapping you safe in strong hugs and carrying you safe in prayers. I, and many others will hold high bright hope for you and it will shelter you. Lots of love XXXXXXXXX
Glad you made it through Christmas and New Year. I was on my own, and suffered terribly. It was catch 22. Wanting to be near loved ones but wanting to be alone. WE WILL get through this. We have 'survived' this many times. Big hugs!
leenee loo You're right-we will persevere and overcome :) sorry you suffered so much over xmas. I hope your 2015 has got off to a better start. You're never alone. Hugs
Jonny Benjamin 1 So glad to see you back on. You must be having a good moment. Just watched ahead to your new videos. I'm amazed and now have a theory that depression also involves IBS and alcohol. I was diagnosed with IBS about 3 years before depression. When I was diagnosed with depression, I was already drinking heavily. A year into depression diagnosis, I suffered my first panic attack at work. I've been through 2 CBT therapists (privately) over 2 years and seen 1 psychiatrist (once). Tried 3 types of anti depressants with varying results. Also been to alcohol and drug centre for over a year. Yes, alcohol is dangerous. I'm still dependant on it. But I seriously don't think people who have not suffered depression understands the alcohol element. Many addicts use drugs and alcohol to cope with depression. On the other hand, there are also many addicts who do not realise they have depression. Do you know what I mean? I was in a cycle of not being eligible for psychiatric help for my depression due to my alcohol consumption. So spent over a year of therapy in trying to get sober whilst feeling so suicidally depressed and not getting help for that other than meds. I don't know where I'm going with this. It's my woolly, depressed brain. Just wanting to share my thoughts and reaction to your new videos and some of the comments made. Keep it up Jonny. One minute / hour at a time.
Don't give up Jonny you are a beautiful person and deserve a happy life. I don't know you but can relate to your feelings of hopelessness. We all heal differently. Glad you're safe and alive. We're here for you X
I'm happy that hospital was as positive as it could be for you. Unfortunately as you and so many others know, mental health issues don't resolve overnight and are always an ongoing process we have to live with for most of our lives. I'm glad you are determined and I can see that there is still that determination still insde you. Never give up, nothing lasts for ever and this will pass and the therapy will help. Keep strong, C x
Johnny you are IN my heart & I am not sure of your spiritual beliefs .. Im not a religious person but I am a very spiritual person & I can ASSURE you, you are NEVER alone. You are surrounded ALWAYS by spirit (Angels if you call them that ) But it makes no difference what you call it it is the same POWERFUL energy that created you & that this world is made of... ENERGY... I AM praying that you call out to Spirit to help you hold on. I AM doing it for you. My roommate also suffers with this disorder. She did well for 8 mos then had a break, she has been in & out of hospital three times in the past month & the system here is LAME! They are ready to release her in a matter of days & she has NOT been regulated with her meds... I understand this disorder. I KNOW what you are going through & how disappointed you must feel. & to feel safe in hospital is understandable. But please do keep AFFIRMING POSITIVITY. I understand that you cant control the thots that come in, but in a cognitive state WRITE down on paper ONLY positive words. Im not a professional but I AM a spiritual teacher. I am being guided to speak these words to you. Please know you are loved, are valuable & SO valuable to this world! Seeing you surrounded in healing, loving light
I just want to hug you i am suffering severe anxiety from PTSD and has made me afraid of existence. I just want to give you a big hug i feel your pain and I watch your documentary all the time to give me hope Soraya x
Yay for the road to recovery is going to be tough but I believe in you ur strong and have courage u made it this far this seed is waiting to bloosom to a beautiful flower that u are !! Stay postives and stay you good things will come after the storm pass just believe !! Please don't hurt urself 😢
welcome back Jonny...i hope your feeling better...we have all been worried about you...for myself ive not had a good start to the year...a friend of mine died...suddenly...I miss her Terribly...I haven't seen her in years...we need you to get better Jonny...your such a brave man...admitting your 'ill' is the first steps...your out of hospital...you will/can get better...speedy recovery handsome xxx
Hi jonny , i started watching some of your videos a few months ago as my sister has schizoaffective disorder. They helped me understand and was upset to hear that you were in hospital. I am sure you will make a good recovery with the meds and you are such a smart guy. I have never posted on a website before but when i just saw you i though i had to send you my wishe. Keep thinking about joining forums but never do. Good luck i know you will get back on an even keel.
I think everyone, however old they are, still need to hide behind their mum, or something similar, at times. I certainly do and I'm older than you! I can only try to imagine how vulnerable you must feel after leaving hospital and how daunting it must seem. I've not been through the same but I have had a friend in that position (who's doing very well now, leading an active full life). Obviously recovery is not a simple, quick process and I think your vlogs are of great value in recording the extreme (but not uncommon) experiences of depression and mental illness. I also enjoy (if that is the right word) your eloquence. Thanks for your update, glad to hear you have some talking therapy arranged, please keep talking.
I will keep listening. It's a privilege to listen to those like you who commit to truthfulness and can express their thoughts articulately and creatively.
Hi Jonny, I'm thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts, prayers and love. You WILL get better! You've been well before and you'll experience that again. Please be kind to yourself. Talk to again soon. Sorry for my absence, but I too, had a bad relapse recently. I'm getting better, one hour at a time. Big hugs and lots of love, my precious friend. :-) xxxx
I believe that deep inside of you there is the strength to get well and to carry on and succeed at whatever you set your mind to. The hard part is having the courage to look inside of yourself, to have the courage and perseverance and find that strength and use it. Right off the bat, I can see two strengths that you possess. You're smart and you're creative. Of course, me seeing these things does you little good if you don't see them yourself and put them into action. People can tell you what they see in you until they're blue in the face. You have to see these things yourself and believe in them. Believing that you can and will get better is more than half the battle. It won't be an easy road to travel but, stick with it You sill get there. I wish you all the best.
I am doing fairly well, thank you. I've made it through the darkest part of this year's winter without a major bout of depression. That in itself makes me happy. I feel like dancing in the street ...almost.
Hi Jonny , I have been following your page since I suddenly developed post stroke psychosis , I am feeling suicidal everyday and like you , I am on the same drugs as you with a little help with diazepam ... I have started my CBT ... I struggle like you , today I just want to be dead .. the voices in my head are so strong , . but you must be strong .... and take each step slowly I am being taught to love myself and that is so hard but I am trying ... Be Kind to yourself even if it means having a bath and relaxing for an hour . Take Care of Yourself xxxx
I wish you could work out exactly why you feel safe in hospital so that you can recreate a safe feeling at home. I truly believe you will find the peace and happiness you seek and so richly deserve, sadly it is a case of hitting on the right meds and right CBT and therapist. The fact that you haven't given in to the dark thoughts in the past shows how strong you are and you should be proud of that. You are loved, never forget that xxx
Sue Bryant thanks so much Sue, will hopefully find the right combination of things that work for me like you said. Really appreciate your support :) xx
Dear Jonny, You are very much like me as was your childhood. You live in the future, ahead of today and that's why we experience anxiety and fear. It comes from being told when we are young to always think of the consequences of our actions, we start living outside the now. Bring yourself back Jonny. Stop and be in the now, it's the only time we own. And there is no fear in the now. I'm here for you.
I woke up this morning, read some meditations and prayed, washed up, made some lemon sour cream pancakes for my housemate, and am washing clothes. I own this house, I have a couple of part time jobs to try and pay my bills (although many are late right now), and I am compliant taking my medications. It is so easy for me to forget that I have been in the psychiatric wards as a safe harbor from the God and world that was terrorizing me, or so I was convinced! I have spent hours, days, weeks,months, lost and scared wandering around the streets by foot or car. I have been too afraid of everything, and I mean everything,to do anything but march on further, trying not to look at anything at all as I continued on walking through the streets. Too afraid to stop and use a toilet if I needed it. I'd go on myself. Too afraid to eat or drink anything, unless chaotic desperation would have me lunge into a place to steal something there and then and eat or drink it. I have been sick. So sick, that when I'd be fighting the police that were trying to tackle me down, and who I knew would be taking me to the hospital again; I was internally relieved. Relieved in the face of terror that the world of schizophrenic delusion had me convinced would retaliate because I would be in the safe confines of the hospital. The confines where I could maybe pace, until I would be put down in four point restraints and sedated...the hospital where maybe I could give up moving constantly, the hospital where I could give up, surrender, and rest. I felt secure enough to sometimes eat, watch television,read, and begin to talk to people. The other patients would terrify me many times, and my delusions would flame up as theirs fed into mine; but it was somehow more of a tangible world, one that slowed a bit more, than the crises fueled world that I would see outside. The one where i would walk out into the street and hope that a ca would take pity on me and hit me. The world where I would get scared in high places that maybe I wouldn't completely die if I jumped. But rest. I have been secure and safe in the hospital, feeling everybody wanted me out, so that I would continue walking the streets, starving to death, because of what I was, who I was. Gay, and having to pay for my sins, and as long as I lived I would be responsible for the suffering in the world, and the hellfire that everyone would have in the afterlife because of me. I was crazy, scared, and alone in my thoughts, although I was convinced everybody could hear them. Medications at the hospitals would sedate me a little, and the thoughts that would be so persistent and haunting could slow for a bit, if not stop momentarily. I forget all this, and then I read the comments here, after watching a few more of your videos. Thank you. Because I can get down still. I have called the suicide hotline as recently as a few months ago. But I have remembered this morning, after listening and watching you, that I have been through much worse, survived, and maybe even thrived. I dont know why. I mean, chemically, genetically, all that,I get that. But, why couldn't I have been made more in the likeness of someone who is so much more functional. Who doesn't have a decade or more of his life lost in the streets, hopitals and jails. Who can do more than wait tables or manual labor. Who can afford to support themselves without handouts and help. Who doesn't have to take medicine that is weakening his organs, so that he can live longer, and better, than if the mind would run amok and destroy me completely more quickly. I understand this morning how fragile I really am. I understood feeling fragile with the pain of the hernia I am waiting to have operated.I have been feeling fragile with having to work around alcohol as a waiter, and knowing it is something I cannot control myself with and am in legal trouble because of. I have been feeling fragile emotionally because I am in a relationship with a man that doesn't have the same mental illness, or the many years of being unable to relate to another human being, so is very much more experienced in everything that comes with being in a relationship; and he is only my first boyfriend at my age of 39. That's a lot to feel fragile and insecure about, but it isn't everything. I know this morning, that without cause or reason, I can get to that point, where not only do I feel like perishing, but that I also need to walk out of whatever I am doing, and follow the delusions that had me fighting with orderlies, cops, and the few family I had left that cared about me,and had the time and energy to deal with me. The thoughts that would have me run, wild and feral, into the jungle I was living in of my own creation. The madness is there, just beyond the veil, and because of that I am frail. I am subject to having to do her will at any given point. I am convinced that I have no real defense against it, but the grace of whatever force is giving me a reprieve from it today. I take my meds, I eat and excercise, and I talk to others. But I couldn't do any of that for years, as I was in that state of mind. It got better. I don't know what changed, i don't know how. It's not peaches and cream every day, I act out in aggression that scares me, and is beyond what I feel is my true self. It is sometimes directed inward, it is sometimes directed at others. It is something I would rather not have. But I haven't choked anybody in years. And certainly haven't thought that Jesus would think I should.That's what lies beneath the surface, of someone with many loving people in his life that is sitting at a computer, typing away intimate details about himself. That is what lies beneath, although many in my life doubt it when I tell them. They cannot picture me that way. The few that were around for the decade that I was mostly just sick, have somewhat forgotten.Only somewhat, because its a reminder to them everytime I lose a job, as i did recently, or any other obstacle, that I can go back to it; the madness that puts me out off communicable reach to anyone, even if i am in their presence. It used to scare my dad every time I cut my hair short,or lost weight. He was so sure that any of these things would be indicative of another schizophrenic relapse, so often did they happened. Today, I can say that I haven't needed to check myself in, or be institutionalized against my will in 8 years. I haven't overdosed in pills in about the same. So this has given me many moments where I could just be somewhat normal. Have a social life, have hobbies, work, have crushes, dance,sing, go to church, have birthdays and holidays with people I like, come out of the closet, and start to have a relationship with a kind man. i say this to give you hope that I can understand completely the terrifying aspects of mental illness, as well as the guilt laden pleasure I would take at being restrained from this at hospitals. My mother would be comforting somewhat, others too, but they often fell too short of what I needed and expected. Certainly their love could not keep me sane. But all the love I feel now was always there, and it makes it all okay, whatever I have gone through, or may still endure. It serves whatever purpose, one I haven'treally found yet, but am less inclined to worry about seeking out. I take my meds, i eat and excercise, I read and pray,I am social as my life depends on it. I keep no secrets, however bizarre or strange. And all this has given me great relief from the sadness and despair, that kills me if I am not vigilant. It keeps me from the mental illness that tells me it's everyone else who is wrong, not me. That they really want me to be crazy,off my meds, because that is the real truth, the real universe. I may be living in the worse neighborhood, in a house that isn't very good, but it's shelter. I may have a car that is hardly moving, that was given to me by my dad, that is uninsured because I am broke, but it gets me to work. I may do nothing more in life than work little jobs and struggle financially, but I can relate to your videos in a way I cannot with much else. And I am glad for it this morning. Because I can sit and think of these things, and know that I am not the only one like this. I had to come out of the caccoon to see it. I wouldn't have appreciated it or believed it much in my untreated disease, perhaps it would have done me harm. But today, this morning, I am fortified with the fact, that you, Johnny, are as special as me or any one of us, and by living life, you brighten it for the rest of us. And as I see that, i know the same must be true of me. Thank you.
Ernest Garcia The same is true of you. You are special, you have your purpose in the world. I'm sorry to read some of your experiences. I believe they have only made you stronger though. You probably don't realise how strong you are but it radiates through your words. You have great wisdom too. Keep pushing forwards, you are on an epic journey...continue to climb the mountain that is your life. And remember you're never truly alone on this journey.
Jonny Benjamin 1 I just got out of the hospital yesterday after 12 days inpatient. I've got a bit of sea legs still,but am glad to be reminded that i indeed am not alone, and that these sorts of relapses are just part of the journey, and I have to learn from them and not beat myself up for it. I was able to identify my delusions and "fact check" them as they emerged. That for me is huge progress. Just the fact that I didn't lose total control, that I didn't lose tether to reality, for me, is a huge change from where I've been in my last relapses. I am glad for your videos, and did mention them to patients and staff at the hospital. They are extremely helpful to me, and I am grateful to you for them. I also didn't spiral out of control in drugs, alcohol, food, or sex; which are all ways that I spin off when I get sick, in the past, but didn't this time. It gives me great hope, and I am hoping to try and identify the reasons that my mind decided to flip into fantasy. Life has been particularly difficult for me to manage: loss of a job, difficulty with family, breakup with a boyfriend, and some losses over the last few years; but I am hopeful to identify in therapy what triggers were for me, and what I can do to reduce stress more, and try to avoid the next fugue. Thanks so much, again. I do wish you to continue posting, as it feels inspiring to know that someone with my illness is able to touch the lives of so many. It gives me great hope for the purpose and fulfillment I seek out for my own life. In gratitude.
So sorry you are struggling Jonny. You are a sensitive person, and that's a gift, but can be a curse as well. I believe in your strength, but I can also see you are going through a very rough time. I know how anxiety and depression can become overwhelming. So, fixing this puzzle is difficult. Within mental illness we have to find our own answers. Cause you are sensitive, I would recommend you seek spiritual help as well. I benefited from a holistic approach, meaning mind, spirit, body and soul. I needed meds. But I also needed spiritual guidance and answers. So my wish for you, is you will meet someone who will give you answers in that. My thoughts are with you. I wish you all the best. Know you have a guardian angel who looks after you, even if you feel terribly alone and anxious and depressed. Your light will shine again.
Meresid Mer wow thank-you. I am very spiritual and i do believe that i need to find spiritual help which i am seeking at the moment. I hope you're at peace. Namaste
Just want to say if you ever want a chat or anything like that I'm always here to listen! I totally get what you mean about coming out of Hosptail! I have had that so many times! Xx
hello jon, i'm so happy to see another video from you after so long. i have 1 strange question for you. if you had a loved one who was suffering from the exact same condition as you are; how would you help them? let's say it was your brother, sister or just someone really close.
ohaRega I'd talk to them as much as possible about what was going on, try and support them and remind them constantly that you're there for them. Even if they are reluctant to accept help, i'd keep pushing them gently till they accept support.
If it makes you feel any better I'm not in my most stable time of my life either, friends are dropping out on me, I feel freaked out some days, I don't know why but I feel I'm loosing touch with reality again and I've been going on and off of depression as of late
Hey Jonny have you ever considered that it is normal to feel that the world is scary and a place that causes despair ? We desperately lack community, perhaps that is why you felt safe. I know the feeling. The world is a difficult place enough for neuro typical people, let alone people with a disability.
Vincent Zetta yes it's very true Vincent. Accepting the world is a difficult place to live in, with difficult people especially in a capital city like London (!) is something i need to work on.
yes, our "modern" cities breed pain, separation, a false sense of success. Families under incredible stress. Inadequate support systems. Anxiety is on the rise because of these disconnections. In reality we are all connected, each system is part of another system. To think of ourselves as an integral part, is healthy. I hope society can move in that direction. Public health and progress do go together. Peace Jonny.
Oh man idk what to tell you. I hate this thing and I don't know how to stop it its like if you were just in a hole and you can't get out of there. I really want to chat with you. I need someone else who has the same thing that I do to tell me something that I have never heard of it. When people tell you that you're going to recover I don't know you just feel like you need to hear something else, something different something that tells you that it's going to be okay but in that way that you don't know. You just want born again and start everything from the beginning but you can't. But I also think that we have something else the people don't have, we can think of other things that people don't usually think about... that are actually important in the world.
Ivan Rivera Keep strong Ivan. It sounds like you are struggling and you are not alone. Reach out to doctors and people around you if you haven't already. There's people that can help you. You will get out of the hole you describe. Give it time :)
you sound like you know you are lieing to yourself here.U must learn to get in touch with the heart emotions..then the mind completely becomes at peace ..its all so simple we just make it so complicated x
You seem like such a lovely, kind, compassionate, articulate wonderfully sensitive person. I know you can't see it. I'm currently going through rough waters as well. You're videos have been quite a comfort. Thanks.
So very glad to see you, Jonny. Thanks for the update. Continue to stay strong; wishing you the best.
Jonny, we dont know each other but i feel so much love for you. I really believe your videos are helping others to cope with their own mental illness because they can see by your example that you can survive this.
you did the right thing going to hospital and not ignoring your symptoms, now you will continue to improve at home im sure. You are a strong man jonny, you can recover as you have in the past just dont force it to happen.
these things take a little time. Im proud of you for sticking with yourself and with us your viewers, you really do help us. Thankyou.
Jonny, so happy to see you, thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. I hope you will feel better with every day. You are such a beautiful and kind and generous person. It's a paradox that being so scared you encourage and empower everyone watching this recoverlog. Thank you su much. Hope you will get well, soon, it will happen, it will.
I completely get this . Coming out of hospital is defos one of the hardest adjustment . You're amazing for speaking about your struggles &every day you show me inspiration , your amazing. - keep talking
Sending you love Jonny. Keep strong and know that people admire and support you.
Life IS scary but I know you can get better and take it as it comes.
I'm just glad you're still with us! I was worried about you.My closest friend had similar hospital experiences to you.She dreaded going in but when it was time to come out she just couldn't face her life so she went back in! She spent the majority of 2013 in and out of hospital until she found the right medication and outside support to help her live her life on her own.I'm telling you this to let you know that if you feel like you can't cope and you need to go back then you should.Only you really know how you feel inside and I just want you to get better.
Congratulations on coming out of hospital, it was a brave decision to go back. It's mega scary being faced with the world again, but I'm glad to hear you're determined to get better. :)
Were with you on your journey thru mental illness.hoping you get better very very soon! Your good person that deserves better! Take care of yourself Buddy and please don't end life. It would be too big loss to the world. You mean a lot to many people for real!
Even though you're scared, I'm pleased you are still determined. You will get to a better brighter place xx
Jonny Benjamin, I just found you on you tube when I googled "getting off clozeril". My daughter is in the hospital right now, and has been for four months. I want her home and she wants to be home. And if it was just her and me, we would be on the beach in Hawaii, but my husband (her dad) wants the doctors to "fix" schizophrenia. When I go see my daughter tomorrow, I'm talking my iPad so I can show her some of your videos. You are so brave and strong. You are not a coward and your are not vain. You are very handsome, and I bet your are good to your mom. Johnny means "God is gracious" and Benjamin means "Son of my right hand". God has a special plan for you and Christ is counting on you, and you can count on Him. You are an overcomer! Be blessed with mercy, grace and favor each day, and know they are new each day, and you can wake up each day, and claim the truth, that this is the new day the Lord has made, and you can choose to be glad and rejoice in it, and know who you are and whose you are, because you are a child of God and he loves you so much.
Thank You for sharing your experiences, and I sincerely hope you continue to stay well, you are awesome
So glad to see your okay! I was worried, strange how just a stranger like myself can be worried about you who isnt a stranger to me but your videos helped me and its makes me happy to know your still here. Keep fighting and stay strong c:
So glad you're still with us Johnny, well done on going into hospital, i know its difficult but i really hope things get better. Hang in there, we all love and support you
Hello Jonny, I've been eagerly awaiting your return. You don't owe yourself or anyone else anything. Nice to see you back. Love, Shaun. Xx
The outside work is shit scary . You describe this so well , the words you put to this are absolutely amazing
Oh Jonny it is SO good to see you again, please know that you have so many people here for you, even if we are strangers. Every day I think of your words 'you are not your thoughts', and it's helped me more than you know. Be safe and be kind to yourself. x
Piers Tazzanoot thanks Piers, that's a really kind message x
Stay strong! Hope you feel better soon. I've gone up and down recently and I believe you can do it. Well done for speaking out. (I don't know if you remember me but I commented on one of you videos about panic attacks and you replied ) xox
Stay Strong Jonny things will get better, I know it can be daunting and scary but keep fighting :) all the best
You're doing so well and I'm glad that you've left the hospital but I understand it's very scary! If you ever need anyone to chat to Jonny, Fiona and I are always around to listen and support you! x
We spent our Christmas and New Year in the same place far far away for each other. I want to say thank you for your videos. I hope you get some pleasure knowing how you help others like me.
Mr Jonny, thank you for sharing your struggles and recent experiences. At the end of your clip you mentioned "hopefully Ill get there"; I want to reassure you that you will.
Like you I too have been struggling over the past few months. I too have now finished my therapy and CBT, and yes, the World seems scary, however I want you to hold onto a place you have been before; and that is when you were well.
I remember you being interviewed on ITV Daybreak and it was your contribution which was a catalyst into me getting the help I needed. You sharing your experience gave me hope that I too will one day be better and able to cope with the anxiety and depression which hindered me from doing the basis of tasks; such as taking a bath, cleaning my teeth, eating healthy foods.
I now see myself slowly getting back to some of the pastimes I enjoy; this is a sign that I am making recovery. Mr Jonny you have done it before and in time you too will be able to look back and realise that life is not so murky. Like you I too did not want to leave hospital, I too felt safe, I felt those around me knew my struggles and I did not have to explain my behaviour. Coming out of hospital is a sign that you have made progress otherwise they would not have discharged you.
Mr Jonny, I feel your pain and heartache and today want you to know that others are with you on this. By you loading this video blog has encouraged me this morning to do something I have avoided for months; open my curtains. Whilst to most it may seem trivial in my World it is a "huge step for mankind". So, as I write this to you I am now allowing the winter sun to pour into my living room, something I was not able to do until now. Mr Jonny, thank you for being an ambassador as your contributions has made a huge impact on me.
Stefan
Stefan Attrill Stefan you are so brave and strong. Thank-you for sharing your experiences with me. I know how tough it must have been to open up the curtains but you did it. You're making progress and you should give yourself credit for how far you have come. Keep going-you are on the right path friend.
Hi Jonny. So glad you are out of hospital.
Thanks for sharing another video with us. You do so much for so many others by sharing your feelings like this.
Big hugs for you from Valleri and me
Paul Jillard Thanks Paul. Hope to meet you and Valleri one day soon.
Here for you wherever your journey takes you. Wrapping you safe in strong hugs and carrying you safe in prayers. I, and many others will hold high bright hope for you and it will shelter you. Lots of love XXXXXXXXX
Glad you made it through Christmas and New Year. I was on my own, and suffered terribly. It was catch 22. Wanting to be near loved ones but wanting to be alone.
WE WILL get through this. We have 'survived' this many times. Big hugs!
leenee loo You're right-we will persevere and overcome :) sorry you suffered so much over xmas. I hope your 2015 has got off to a better start. You're never alone. Hugs
Jonny Benjamin 1 So glad to see you back on. You must be having a good moment. Just watched ahead to your new videos. I'm amazed and now have a theory that depression also involves IBS and alcohol. I was diagnosed with IBS about 3 years before depression. When I was diagnosed with depression, I was already drinking heavily. A year into depression diagnosis, I suffered my first panic attack at work. I've been through 2 CBT therapists (privately) over 2 years and seen 1 psychiatrist (once). Tried 3 types of anti depressants with varying results. Also been to alcohol and drug centre for over a year.
Yes, alcohol is dangerous. I'm still dependant on it. But I seriously don't think people who have not suffered depression understands the alcohol element. Many addicts use drugs and alcohol to cope with depression. On the other hand, there are also many addicts who do not realise they have depression. Do you know what I mean?
I was in a cycle of not being eligible for psychiatric help for my depression due to my alcohol consumption. So spent over a year of therapy in trying to get sober whilst feeling so suicidally depressed and not getting help for that other than meds.
I don't know where I'm going with this. It's my woolly, depressed brain. Just wanting to share my thoughts and reaction to your new videos and some of the comments made.
Keep it up Jonny. One minute / hour at a time.
Don't give up Jonny you are a beautiful person and deserve a happy life. I don't know you but can relate to your feelings of hopelessness. We all heal differently. Glad you're safe and alive. We're here for you X
VRRV thanks so much. i wont' give up. your support means a lot x
I'm happy that hospital was as positive as it could be for you. Unfortunately as you and so many others know, mental health issues don't resolve overnight and are always an ongoing process we have to live with for most of our lives.
I'm glad you are determined and I can see that there is still that determination still insde you. Never give up, nothing lasts for ever and this will pass and the therapy will help.
Keep strong, C x
Glad to see you are ok!! You are an inspiration and thank you for sharing :) Hugs!
MoiAgui thank-you :)
Johnny you are IN my heart & I am not sure of your spiritual beliefs .. Im not a religious person but I am a very spiritual person & I can ASSURE you, you are NEVER alone. You are surrounded ALWAYS by spirit (Angels if you call them that ) But it makes no difference what you call it it is the same POWERFUL energy that created you & that this world is made of... ENERGY... I AM praying that you call out to Spirit to help you hold on. I AM doing it for you. My roommate also suffers with this disorder. She did well for 8 mos then had a break, she has been in & out of hospital three times in the past month & the system here is LAME! They are ready to release her in a matter of days & she has NOT been regulated with her meds... I understand this disorder. I KNOW what you are going through & how disappointed you must feel. & to feel safe in hospital is understandable. But please do keep AFFIRMING POSITIVITY. I understand that you cant control the thots that come in, but in a cognitive state WRITE down on paper ONLY positive words. Im not a professional but I AM a spiritual teacher. I am being guided to speak these words to you. Please know you are loved, are valuable & SO valuable to this world!
Seeing you surrounded in healing, loving light
I just want to hug you i am suffering severe anxiety from PTSD and has made me afraid of existence. I just want to give you a big hug i feel your pain and I watch your documentary all the time to give me hope Soraya x
Yay for the road to recovery is going to be tough but I believe in you ur strong and have courage u made it this far this seed is waiting to bloosom to a beautiful flower that u are !! Stay postives and stay you good things will come after the storm pass just believe !! Please don't hurt urself 😢
I'm glad you're still here and didn't give up. Looking forward to the next one.
Robert Curd thanks Robert.
Glad to see an update from you.
welcome back Jonny...i hope your feeling better...we have all been worried about you...for myself ive not had a good start to the year...a friend of mine died...suddenly...I miss her Terribly...I haven't seen her in years...we need you to get better Jonny...your such a brave man...admitting your 'ill' is the first steps...your out of hospital...you will/can get better...speedy recovery handsome xxx
booboobrinn so sorry to read about your friend, that's so awful. Hope you're doing ok. Thinking of you. You keep strong xx
thank you sweetie...hope your feeling better...we all have good & bad days...get better soon hugs to you x
I hope you will keep the strength and determination to get better Jonny. I am thinking of you. Geraldine
noisybadger swat thanks Geraldine!
Oh boy, oh boyohboy! It's good to see you again! I hope and wish for improvement for you.
FuzzyElf ah thanks so much!
I'm just glad ur so alive ! Inner demons. Need to go away !! 😄😢
Jonny Glad to hear your out of hospital I no how this feels its not nice at all. was worried about u. Hope your medication and CBT works for u.
mark shaw thanks Mark
Hi jonny , i started watching some of your videos a few months ago as my sister has schizoaffective disorder. They helped me understand and was upset to hear that you were in hospital. I am sure you will make a good recovery with the meds and you are such a smart guy. I have never posted on a website before but when i just saw you i though i had to send you my wishe. Keep thinking about joining forums but never do. Good luck i know you will get back on an even keel.
Louise italy thank-you, that's very kind Louise. Hope your sister is doing ok.
I think everyone, however old they are, still need to hide behind their mum, or something similar, at times. I certainly do and I'm older than you! I can only try to imagine how vulnerable you must feel after leaving hospital and how daunting it must seem. I've not been through the same but I have had a friend in that position (who's doing very well now, leading an active full life). Obviously recovery is not a simple, quick process and I think your vlogs are of great value in recording the extreme (but not uncommon) experiences of depression and mental illness. I also enjoy (if that is the right word) your eloquence. Thanks for your update, glad to hear you have some talking therapy arranged, please keep talking.
norther ner i will keep talking if you'll keep listening :) thank-you!
I will keep listening. It's a privilege to listen to those like you who commit to truthfulness and can express their thoughts articulately and creatively.
Hi Jonny, I'm thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts, prayers and love. You WILL get better! You've been well before and you'll experience that again. Please be kind to yourself. Talk to again soon. Sorry for my absence, but I too, had a bad relapse recently. I'm getting better, one hour at a time. Big hugs and lots of love, my precious friend. :-) xxxx
Fiona O'Kane Thanks Fiona, you always know the right things to say. I'm so lucky to have your love and support xxxx
I believe that deep inside of you there is the strength to get well and to carry on and succeed at whatever you set your mind to. The hard part is having the courage to look inside of yourself, to have the courage and perseverance and find that strength and use it. Right off the bat, I can see two strengths that you possess. You're smart and you're creative. Of course, me seeing these things does you little good if you don't see them yourself and put them into action. People can tell you what they see in you until they're blue in the face. You have to see these things yourself and believe in them. Believing that you can and will get better is more than half the battle. It won't be an easy road to travel but, stick with it You sill get there. I wish you all the best.
***** thanks for all your encouragement and support James, it means a great deal to me. I hope you're doing ok buddy :)
I am doing fairly well, thank you. I've made it through the darkest part of this year's winter without a major bout of depression. That in itself makes me happy. I feel like dancing in the street ...almost.
Hi Jonny , I have been following your page since I suddenly developed post stroke psychosis , I am feeling suicidal everyday and like you , I am on the same drugs as you with a little help with diazepam ... I have started my CBT ... I struggle like you , today I just want to be dead .. the voices in my head are so strong , . but you must be strong .... and take each step slowly I am being taught to love myself and that is so hard but I am trying ... Be Kind to yourself even if it means having a bath and relaxing for an hour . Take Care of Yourself xxxx
Well done mate I manedged to pull through it
we love you and I am fighting the same battle. LOVE TO YOU.
best of luck w/ everything, man!
RoseWasCute thank-you :)
I wish you could work out exactly why you feel safe in hospital so that you can recreate a safe feeling at home. I truly believe you will find the peace and happiness you seek and so richly deserve, sadly it is a case of hitting on the right meds and right CBT and therapist. The fact that you haven't given in to the dark thoughts in the past shows how strong you are and you should be proud of that. You are loved, never forget that xxx
Sue Bryant thanks so much Sue, will hopefully find the right combination of things that work for me like you said. Really appreciate your support :) xx
i am glad to see you was worried about you your such a great guy hope the meds start working soon your such a good guy cyber hugs :)
Dear Jonny,
You are very much like me as was your childhood. You live in the future, ahead of today and that's why we experience anxiety and fear. It comes from being told when we are young to always think of the consequences of our actions, we start living outside the now.
Bring yourself back Jonny. Stop and be in the now, it's the only time we own. And there is no fear in the now. I'm here for you.
Stoppsy's World Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it :)
We are all pulling for you bud. Do your best ~ it would be a shame to do any less
Carl Carlson cheers Carl!
I woke up this morning, read some meditations and prayed, washed up, made some lemon sour cream pancakes for my housemate, and am washing clothes. I own this house, I have a couple of part time jobs to try and pay my bills (although many are late right now), and I am compliant taking my medications.
It is so easy for me to forget that I have been in the psychiatric wards as a safe harbor from the God and world that was terrorizing me, or so I was convinced! I have spent hours, days, weeks,months, lost and scared wandering around the streets by foot or car. I have been too afraid of everything, and I mean everything,to do anything but march on further, trying not to look at anything at all as I continued on walking through the streets. Too afraid to stop and use a toilet if I needed it. I'd go on myself. Too afraid to eat or drink anything, unless chaotic desperation would have me lunge into a place to steal something there and then and eat or drink it. I have been sick. So sick, that when I'd be fighting the police that were trying to tackle me down, and who I knew would be taking me to the hospital again; I was internally relieved. Relieved in the face of terror that the world of schizophrenic delusion had me convinced would retaliate because I would be in the safe confines of the hospital. The confines where I could maybe pace, until I would be put down in four point restraints and sedated...the hospital where maybe I could give up moving constantly, the hospital where I could give up, surrender, and rest. I felt secure enough to sometimes eat, watch television,read, and begin to talk to people.
The other patients would terrify me many times, and my delusions would flame up as theirs fed into mine; but it was somehow more of a tangible world, one that slowed a bit more, than the crises fueled world that I would see outside. The one where i would walk out into the street and hope that a ca would take pity on me and hit me. The world where I would get scared in high places that maybe I wouldn't completely die if I jumped. But rest.
I have been secure and safe in the hospital, feeling everybody wanted me out, so that I would continue walking the streets, starving to death, because of what I was, who I was. Gay, and having to pay for my sins, and as long as I lived I would be responsible for the suffering in the world, and the hellfire that everyone would have in the afterlife because of me. I was crazy, scared, and alone in my thoughts, although I was convinced everybody could hear them. Medications at the hospitals would sedate me a little, and the thoughts that would be so persistent and haunting could slow for a bit, if not stop momentarily.
I forget all this, and then I read the comments here, after watching a few more of your videos. Thank you. Because I can get down still. I have called the suicide hotline as recently as a few months ago. But I have remembered this morning, after listening and watching you, that I have been through much worse, survived, and maybe even thrived.
I dont know why. I mean, chemically, genetically, all that,I get that. But, why couldn't I have been made more in the likeness of someone who is so much more functional. Who doesn't have a decade or more of his life lost in the streets, hopitals and jails. Who can do more than wait tables or manual labor. Who can afford to support themselves without handouts and help. Who doesn't have to take medicine that is weakening his organs, so that he can live longer, and better, than if the mind would run amok and destroy me completely more quickly.
I understand this morning how fragile I really am. I understood feeling fragile with the pain of the hernia I am waiting to have operated.I have been feeling fragile with having to work around alcohol as a waiter, and knowing it is something I cannot control myself with and am in legal trouble because of. I have been feeling fragile emotionally because I am in a relationship with a man that doesn't have the same mental illness, or the many years of being unable to relate to another human being, so is very much more experienced in everything that comes with being in a relationship; and he is only my first boyfriend at my age of 39. That's a lot to feel fragile and insecure about, but it isn't everything. I know this morning, that without cause or reason, I can get to that point, where not only do I feel like perishing, but that I also need to walk out of whatever I am doing, and follow the delusions that had me fighting with orderlies, cops, and the few family I had left that cared about me,and had the time and energy to deal with me. The thoughts that would have me run, wild and feral, into the jungle I was living in of my own creation. The madness is there, just beyond the veil, and because of that I am frail. I am subject to having to do her will at any given point. I am convinced that I have no real defense against it, but the grace of whatever force is giving me a reprieve from it today. I take my meds, I eat and excercise, and I talk to others. But I couldn't do any of that for years, as I was in that state of mind.
It got better. I don't know what changed, i don't know how. It's not peaches and cream every day, I act out in aggression that scares me, and is beyond what I feel is my true self. It is sometimes directed inward, it is sometimes directed at others. It is something I would rather not have. But I haven't choked anybody in years. And certainly haven't thought that Jesus would think I should.That's what lies beneath the surface, of someone with many loving people in his life that is sitting at a computer, typing away intimate details about himself. That is what lies beneath, although many in my life doubt it when I tell them. They cannot picture me that way. The few that were around for the decade that I was mostly just sick, have somewhat forgotten.Only somewhat, because its a reminder to them everytime I lose a job, as i did recently, or any other obstacle, that I can go back to it; the madness that puts me out off communicable reach to anyone, even if i am in their presence. It used to scare my dad every time I cut my hair short,or lost weight. He was so sure that any of these things would be indicative of another schizophrenic relapse, so often did they happened. Today, I can say that I haven't needed to check myself in, or be institutionalized against my will in 8 years. I haven't overdosed in pills in about the same.
So this has given me many moments where I could just be somewhat normal. Have a social life, have hobbies, work, have crushes, dance,sing, go to church, have birthdays and holidays with people I like, come out of the closet, and start to have a relationship with a kind man. i say this to give you hope that I can understand completely the terrifying aspects of mental illness, as well as the guilt laden pleasure I would take at being restrained from this at hospitals. My mother would be comforting somewhat, others too, but they often fell too short of what I needed and expected. Certainly their love could not keep me sane.
But all the love I feel now was always there, and it makes it all okay, whatever I have gone through, or may still endure. It serves whatever purpose, one I haven'treally found yet, but am less inclined to worry about seeking out. I take my meds, i eat and excercise, I read and pray,I am social as my life depends on it. I keep no secrets, however bizarre or strange. And all this has given me great relief from the sadness and despair, that kills me if I am not vigilant. It keeps me from the mental illness that tells me it's everyone else who is wrong, not me. That they really want me to be crazy,off my meds, because that is the real truth, the real universe.
I may be living in the worse neighborhood, in a house that isn't very good, but it's shelter. I may have a car that is hardly moving, that was given to me by my dad, that is uninsured because I am broke, but it gets me to work. I may do nothing more in life than work little jobs and struggle financially, but I can relate to your videos in a way I cannot with much else. And I am glad for it this morning. Because I can sit and think of these things, and know that I am not the only one like this. I had to come out of the caccoon to see it. I wouldn't have appreciated it or believed it much in my untreated disease, perhaps it would have done me harm. But today, this morning, I am fortified with the fact, that you, Johnny, are as special as me or any one of us, and by living life, you brighten it for the rest of us. And as I see that, i know the same must be true of me. Thank you.
Ernest Garcia The same is true of you. You are special, you have your purpose in the world. I'm sorry to read some of your experiences. I believe they have only made you stronger though. You probably don't realise how strong you are but it radiates through your words. You have great wisdom too. Keep pushing forwards, you are on an epic journey...continue to climb the mountain that is your life. And remember you're never truly alone on this journey.
Jonny Benjamin 1
I just got out of the hospital yesterday after 12 days inpatient. I've got a bit of sea legs still,but am glad to be reminded that i indeed am not alone, and that these sorts of relapses are just part of the journey, and I have to learn from them and not beat myself up for it. I was able to identify my delusions and "fact check" them as they emerged. That for me is huge progress. Just the fact that I didn't lose total control, that I didn't lose tether to reality, for me, is a huge change from where I've been in my last relapses.
I am glad for your videos, and did mention them to patients and staff at the hospital. They are extremely helpful to me, and I am grateful to you for them. I also didn't spiral out of control in drugs, alcohol, food, or sex; which are all ways that I spin off when I get sick, in the past, but didn't this time. It gives me great hope, and I am hoping to try and identify the reasons that my mind decided to flip into fantasy. Life has been particularly difficult for me to manage: loss of a job, difficulty with family, breakup with a boyfriend, and some losses over the last few years; but I am hopeful to identify in therapy what triggers were for me, and what I can do to reduce stress more, and try to avoid the next fugue.
Thanks so much, again. I do wish you to continue posting, as it feels inspiring to know that someone with my illness is able to touch the lives of so many. It gives me great hope for the purpose and fulfillment I seek out for my own life.
In gratitude.
So sorry you are struggling Jonny. You are a sensitive person, and that's a gift, but can be a curse as well. I believe in your strength, but I can also see you are going through a very rough time. I know how anxiety and depression can become overwhelming. So, fixing this puzzle is difficult. Within mental illness we have to find our own answers. Cause you are sensitive, I would recommend you seek spiritual help as well. I benefited from a holistic approach, meaning mind, spirit, body and soul. I needed meds. But I also needed spiritual guidance and answers. So my wish for you, is you will meet someone who will give you answers in that. My thoughts are with you. I wish you all the best. Know you have a guardian angel who looks after you, even if you feel terribly alone and anxious and depressed. Your light will shine again.
Meresid Mer wow thank-you. I am very spiritual and i do believe that i need to find spiritual help which i am seeking at the moment. I hope you're at peace. Namaste
Just want to say if you ever want a chat or anything like that I'm always here to listen! I totally get what you mean about coming out of Hosptail! I have had that so many times! Xx
Holly Day thank-you :) glad you can relate xx
Jonny Benjamin 1 message me if you want too xx
You will get better Jommy, you will!
12Pence thanks for the support!
hello jon, i'm so happy to see another video from you after so long.
i have 1 strange question for you. if you had a loved one who was suffering from the exact same condition as you are; how would you help them? let's say it was your brother, sister or just someone really close.
ohaRega I'd talk to them as much as possible about what was going on, try and support them and remind them constantly that you're there for them. Even if they are reluctant to accept help, i'd keep pushing them gently till they accept support.
Best of luck Jonny.
If it makes you feel any better I'm not in my most stable time of my life either, friends are dropping out on me, I feel freaked out some days, I don't know why but I feel I'm loosing touch with reality again and I've been going on and off of depression as of late
Official Tab I hope things change and improve for you soon. Hang on in there friend and keep strong.
just live through it hang in there
OldFierro i will do :)
Hey Jonny have you ever considered that it is normal to feel that the world is scary and a place that causes despair ? We desperately lack community, perhaps that is why you felt safe. I know the feeling. The world is a difficult place enough for neuro typical people, let alone people with a disability.
Vincent Zetta yes it's very true Vincent. Accepting the world is a difficult place to live in, with difficult people especially in a capital city like London (!) is something i need to work on.
yes, our "modern" cities breed pain, separation, a false sense of success. Families under incredible stress. Inadequate support systems. Anxiety is on the rise because of these disconnections. In reality we are all connected, each system is part of another system. To think of ourselves as an integral part, is healthy. I hope society can move in that direction. Public health and progress do go together. Peace Jonny.
Oh man idk what to tell you. I hate this thing and I don't know how to stop it its like if you were just in a hole and you can't get out of there. I really want to chat with you. I need someone else who has the same thing that I do to tell me something that I have never heard of it. When people tell you that you're going to recover I don't know you just feel like you need to hear something else, something different something that tells you that it's going to be okay but in that way that you don't know. You just want born again and start everything from the beginning but you can't. But I also think that we have something else the people don't have, we can think of other things that people don't usually think about... that are actually important in the world.
Ivan Rivera Keep strong Ivan. It sounds like you are struggling and you are not alone. Reach out to doctors and people around you if you haven't already. There's people that can help you. You will get out of the hole you describe. Give it time :)
Don't lose hope
anonymously strange thank-you, i won't :)
You are beautiful.
you sound like you know you are lieing to yourself here.U must learn to get in touch with the heart emotions..then the mind completely becomes at peace ..its all so simple we just make it so complicated x
Cleanse & get off them Rx meds !