I had a very similar experience with my father. The thing that I remember most is the fact that the THREAT of violence was worse than the violence. He could go off at any second, any time of the day, for reasons that were hard to predict. I became an expert in reading him, noticing his triggers, and then taking myself away, but the anxiety, that feeling of waiting for something awful to happen, became the defining feature of my personality. A feeling of anxiety and "impending doom" has never gone away. I remember one time, he came back from someone's house boiling with rage because the person had had the temerity to ask him to take off his shoes when he went into their home. I had taken my shoes off after school and he rounded on me, "What kind of **** takes their ******* shoes off in the house!!" screaming in my face through gritted teeth dragging me around. Just insane behavior. I've only realized recently that a lot of my dysfunction and unhappiness isn't just as a result of having this insane, jealous, child-man as a father, it's because part of me mourns the normal father that I never got to have and the attention that he demanded from my mother, which he jealously coveted, putting me down as a "coddled mummy's boy" whenever she noticed me. He's 80 now and just as much of a c**t as he has always been, an 80 year old in an old man's body, he's a pathetic figure who has raised 4 children that mostly hate him. I still despise him and burn with rage at how he treats my mother, but she made her choices when we were kids, and continues to choose his insanity over her kids. I have my own children now and go out of my way to treat them with love and respect, it's my greatest achievement.
I was emotionally abused and pretty much abandoned by my father. I was bullied by children K-12 (and even a couple of teachers), and then I married a covert narcissistic woman. That's a lot to heal from, and as I continue to work on it I see how far I've come. It's hard not to punish myself for the things I still have not healed from. I plan to purchase this book as part of my process, and thank you to Dr. Anderson for this interview.
Good for you Please realize that you never need to punish yourself for that, it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it and you were probably unfortunately taught to punish yourself. Love yourself. ☀️
“He didn’t murder my soul! What a beautiful sentiment to hold for oneself when the pain and suffering is inescapable. A truly enlightening conversation around healing overwhelm in all its guises. Genius ❤
Yes! Frank is the voice we need in this cultural moment. Not only as a Harvard-trained trauma expert, but a trauma survivor. Insights like this are invaluable.
Thank you both for having this conversation and sharing this hope with all of us that healing is possible. It really touched my heart when Frank talked about the passing of his father, it felt like a holy experience. When Love flows there is healing.❤
‘Love and connection’ to heal? How? from whom? ‘Somebody else needs to hold it’ (your trauma)? Everybody around me knows about it. Talking about it never helped. Holding it is exhausting to them, not their job, destroyed the only relationship I ever cared about. I also hate my mother and will never see my father again. But how can you love when you’ve never ever experienced it as a child? How can you connect functionally when you’ve always been just a spectator behind a wall or an absent being inside a bubble? or when your soul might have been 'murdered'? Please don’t tell me to break down walls or to learn how to talk and reassure my inner child. If it ever existed, it died too early. And I’m tired of magic recipes driven from complex imagery and representations that make no sense to me. I don’t even feel trauma at all, I just know that it should be there somewhere. I don’t have memories, mostly never remember any dreams. EMDR didn’t work with me, cause there’s nothing to remember and reading ‘the body keeps the score’ was just confusing. But more importantly, what is left to live when everything you touch is destroyed by your anger while you crave for some love? I need to at least save my own kids from this repeating pattern of destruction.
I’m so sorry and I relate so much. For me, the only thing that has truly made a difference is finding a Somatic Experiencing therapist. The main reason being that she can emotionally attune to me. She’s able to hold space for me to feel whatever is up for me and doesn’t ever judge that. She’s a safe space to actually connect in a way I have never felt. This has helped me to then connect with others. It’s taken a long time and sooo worth it.
6:18 I can think on top of my mind about a celebrity therapist who just don't get it. It really shows - he talks about trauma, but can't really get into the topic, because he never had it. Unlike Bessel van der Kolk, Pete Walker and this guy. The level of compassion one gains if they were a survivor and worked thorough it is unmatchable. You are superhuman, in a way - if you really get through it to a certain point.
I had a very similar experience with my father. The thing that I remember most is the fact that the THREAT of violence was worse than the violence. He could go off at any second, any time of the day, for reasons that were hard to predict. I became an expert in reading him, noticing his triggers, and then taking myself away, but the anxiety, that feeling of waiting for something awful to happen, became the defining feature of my personality. A feeling of anxiety and "impending doom" has never gone away. I remember one time, he came back from someone's house boiling with rage because the person had had the temerity to ask him to take off his shoes when he went into their home. I had taken my shoes off after school and he rounded on me, "What kind of **** takes their ******* shoes off in the house!!" screaming in my face through gritted teeth dragging me around. Just insane behavior.
I've only realized recently that a lot of my dysfunction and unhappiness isn't just as a result of having this insane, jealous, child-man as a father, it's because part of me mourns the normal father that I never got to have and the attention that he demanded from my mother, which he jealously coveted, putting me down as a "coddled mummy's boy" whenever she noticed me. He's 80 now and just as much of a c**t as he has always been, an 80 year old in an old man's body, he's a pathetic figure who has raised 4 children that mostly hate him. I still despise him and burn with rage at how he treats my mother, but she made her choices when we were kids, and continues to choose his insanity over her kids. I have my own children now and go out of my way to treat them with love and respect, it's my greatest achievement.
I was emotionally abused and pretty much abandoned by my father. I was bullied by children K-12 (and even a couple of teachers), and then I married a covert narcissistic woman. That's a lot to heal from, and as I continue to work on it I see how far I've come. It's hard not to punish myself for the things I still have not healed from. I plan to purchase this book as part of my process, and thank you to Dr. Anderson for this interview.
Good for you
Please realize that you never need to punish yourself for that, it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it and you were probably unfortunately taught to punish yourself.
Love yourself. ☀️
Powerful interview. So honest and raw.
“He didn’t murder my soul! What a beautiful sentiment to hold for oneself when the pain and suffering is inescapable. A truly enlightening conversation around healing overwhelm in all its guises. Genius ❤
Yes! Frank is the voice we need in this cultural moment. Not only as a Harvard-trained trauma expert, but a trauma survivor. Insights like this are invaluable.
Such a beautiful interview, i am so happy i heard every single word.
Thank you for watching!!
"I had me." Now that brought me to tears.
Thank you both for having this conversation and sharing this hope with all of us that healing is possible. It really touched my heart when Frank talked about the passing of his father, it felt like a holy experience. When Love flows there is healing.❤
Thank you for this beautiful support.
This is very good... rich! thank you for the insights!
Thank you so much for listening!
“I had me” that hit hard. 😢
What helps with dissociating especially for a kid who can’t focus in school?
I enjoyed this interview. Great questions that were asked
Thank you for watching!
@@MightyPursuit suggestion - have water for your guest❤
1:09... So sad 😢 that's it. We never know what happens behind closed doors.
‘Love and connection’ to heal?
How? from whom?
‘Somebody else needs to hold it’ (your trauma)? Everybody around me knows about it. Talking about it never helped. Holding it is exhausting to them, not their job, destroyed the only relationship I ever cared about.
I also hate my mother and will never see my father again.
But how can you love when you’ve never ever experienced it as a child?
How can you connect functionally when you’ve always been just a spectator behind a wall or an absent being inside a bubble? or when your soul might have been 'murdered'?
Please don’t tell me to break down walls or to learn how to talk and reassure my inner child. If it ever existed, it died too early. And I’m tired of magic recipes driven from complex imagery and representations that make no sense to me.
I don’t even feel trauma at all, I just know that it should be there somewhere. I don’t have memories, mostly never remember any dreams. EMDR didn’t work with me, cause there’s nothing to remember and reading ‘the body keeps the score’ was just confusing.
But more importantly,
what is left to live when everything you touch is destroyed by your anger while you crave for some love? I need to at least save my own kids from this repeating pattern of destruction.
I’m so sorry and I relate so much. For me, the only thing that has truly made a difference is finding a Somatic Experiencing therapist. The main reason being that she can emotionally attune to me. She’s able to hold space for me to feel whatever is up for me and doesn’t ever judge that. She’s a safe space to actually connect in a way I have never felt. This has helped me to then connect with others. It’s taken a long time and sooo worth it.
6:18 I can think on top of my mind about a celebrity therapist who just don't get it. It really shows - he talks about trauma, but can't really get into the topic, because he never had it. Unlike Bessel van der Kolk, Pete Walker and this guy. The level of compassion one gains if they were a survivor and worked thorough it is unmatchable. You are superhuman, in a way - if you really get through it to a certain point.
🩵🩶💛