Don't Be Afraid To Set Boundaries: Julie Hanks LCW on KSL TV's Studio 5
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ธ.ค. 2011
- Read more here www.juliehanks.com/?p=4904
Does the fear of offending friends or family members keep you from setting boundaries? It's a timely topic with the holidays fast approaching. Therapist, Julie Hanks, says it's ok to set boundaries, even if you offend someone.
"You are not responsible for other people's emotion."
Ahh yes but it's scary especially when you know you can't control them, it's the anger more than anything else and if you don't do well in confrontations then it's going to feel like hell for you and it can put you into a tails spin when it's happening. The idea is to control your emotions and act - not react. Which is something often discussed in my narcissists chat page and it takes practise, it can be learnt but it is very difficult, especially when your flight or fight response comes out because you see them as a threat
Shrampy Shrimp, not only are we not responsible for other’s emotions, but we are also not responsible for their feelings and their actions, nor fixing them.
PEOPLE WITH INTEGRITY WILL ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES AND NEEDS
True :)
Julie Hanks is officially my new therapist lol. Thanks Julie! :-)
Julie is giving us excellent tips.
I used to be a doormat . . . no one would have ever known because I appeared strong and outspoken. I've cleared house and let abusive relationships go. I've also stopped playing the victim. People can't abuse you unless you allow them to. I was in a 26 year marriage that declined from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse.
Victims are not just doormats but they can be abusive themselves often covertly, commonly called passive aggressive. When we take 100% responsibility for ourselves and our emotional health it's AMAZING how life changes!
I love the lantern stance analogy. It brings to mind a lovely image of having the light to light your own way, and will also light someone else’s a little but with the limit of how far the light can go and it won’t go any further as our personal boundaries need to be that way.
Thank, Julie! As an energy facilitator- I see this pretty often. What a great message. :)
Rachel Wachs, you look stunning
I appreciate the talk, I learn boundaries at a late age in my life.
Wasn't taught, Miseducated. Family Curse..trickle down effect.
Now i put both feet on the ground an let mother earth,guide me.haha
beautiful. thank u. some grow up bound less families...and it trains u to be a doormat. I love that u confirm my need to protect my energy. I'm highly sensitive in spirit..so when people dumb baggage..I need lots space to recover. I'm learning that NO is a beautiful word. bless u
Just say YES to yourself :) that promotes love.. you must not think about whether that means NO or MAYBE to others..
Great segment, Julie! As always, very informative, supportive and empowering!
She is more brilliant than most
I wish you would do a discussion with Julie pertaining to boundries with family members who are psychotic eg. have schizofrenia, who repeatedly refuse to go to the doctor, refuse to take meds, refuse to acknowledge that their not feeling well due to their psychiatric illness.
Love you Julie Hanks...you are so right....!
Great advice from Dr. Hanks as always.
Best ever boundary explanation I have ever heard.
So true!! we are not responsible for others feelings.
Julie you are so right!
Beautiful I love this!
Hi Julie. I just completed my MSW at UB. Love your stuff!
cool Awesome great advise I will put this into practice. Last couple of years for Christmas we have just convently been out of time. once in at Disney World and Going on a Christmas cruise. works great and I love and look forward to my holidays now. I know we get bashed for it by certain family member's. I just tell them oh don't be jealous. that's all it is cause I am taking care of me and my core family now.
Great advice .. ry
Your siblings are the worst with violating your boundaries, especially if you’re the youngest.
i understand completely what you are saying esp at the start i can be, or have been holding a sword when i say something back because i generally do believe people are intentionally trying to hurt me and trying to get their own way thoughts and ideas over mine to the point where i feel completely invalidated, fustrated so i go straight to anger because the story i tell myself is that they are trying to be dommeinering and cruel and trying to make me feel uncomfortable - sometimes, but, they do it with a smile and it feels like i shouldnt be taking offence just because they are doing it with a smile and then i get home (because i have my own house) and all it takes is a little word about them from my other half and i explode - il shout and yell and eventually burst into tears. I dont care so much if i offend them but in the way you speak about because i want them to know they are out of line and get them to back off... Other times i have had a few success stories. When delivery men were coming into my home a yr or so ago she was telling them where to put what i took her to one side and said - i know your excited and you want to tell them where to put stuff but this is my house and i want to be able to do that - she looked at me a little different gave me a hug and for a time she does do what i feel is right for me and ive heard from family members saying Katie wants this Katie wants that and is making sure i get it every now and again i get myself in slight power struggles but i am trying i am working on myself
There is someone at my work who orders me about disrespectfully and I always just do what she says and end up feeling drained and resentful. Gonna have to work on that one! She's not respecting me but it's hard to say no!
Very valuable
Great advice 😀
Great and simple advice Julie about how to feel the difference between boundarie levels! When do you come to Amsterdam ;-)
Well, I understand to have people go "What" because you are setting a boundary, I get that but I'd say to purposely go out there being deliberately offensive to others, than that's something else because I can understand you want to protect your space and when you respond aggressively like as Julie explains it makes other people go on the attack with you and it turns into an argument with people going "what's her problem" sometimes they don't know you are struggling setting boundaries for yourself because especially if you've been walked over before your too angry about it and it comes out almost nasty (yes I have had my actions explained to me before I can reach being assertive esp when it doesn't come natural to you) and being assertive helps when you can address the problem or issue straight away because you don't have practice speaking to people setting boundaries and from doing this personally, when you do, you are met with anger and if your anything like me your scared of other peoples anger. So before, even now, sometimes, I catch myself not always sticking up for myself when I know I'm going to be met with anger because a lot of people go with the mantra of "she's telling ME what to do?" Even if they are out of line because many people also go with the mantra of "nobody tells me what to do" and it sucks for you because they pick up especially if you do if confidently they pick up on a powershift where suddenly they are not calling the shots what to do and I'm thinking that's why they try and test your wills, seeing if you will stick to your guns because this is behaviour they are not used to and they want to know if you really mean what you say. So it's all very well taking this lantern stance and saying how for me this is how I feel, because you'd espect normal decent people to just go "oh okay" but there is a lot of anger behind boundary setting it's almost like they don't want to accept this boundary that will be put in place because they view it as an obsicle to getting their way with you and doing what they want. So expect anger, because speaking assertively from a lantern stance isn't all plain sailing
I wish I knew then what I know now, I have crossed boundaries & had my boundaries crossed it makes it less personal when you realise its never too late to change, I will give the 1,2,3. communicate & check out with the other party, there have been times when I didn't do this because of pain & denial.
What about and abusive parent that takes advantage of you when you are in a hospital or not well?.
If friends try to push you.....TRY......PUT THOSE BOUNDARIES UP..... And THOSE WALLS❗❗❗❗❗
Boundaries are never meant to be offensive. That's a poor choice of words. Offensive implies we are the cause of something. When you are stating boundaries you are simply expressing your wishes. Sometimes thats a hard line (as it should be) and that's okay, but other times we need to be flexible as well. Life is all about the grey area and nuance.
Lmao we have talked about that 12 times🤣🤣🤣
I love this!
i would consider myself as a nice person. but i would consider myself someone who isnt motivated by guilt, if i wanted to go somewhere or do something for someone its because i want to.
I did have a moment in the car with my dad and sister when we were off to the cinema and instead of bypassing a comment i told her what she said make me feel uncomfortable because i didnt think what she said she did was right. i didnt go into everything about what i thought but i thought that was enough and it got her worried enough to try and get dad to valitate what she did was in the right and he didnt do her any favours because he agreed with her but i didnt feel like i hadnt said nothing so that what was said wouldnt have bothered me as much as it did. If you go along with the idea you are going to offend people anyway then you might as well start talking, yes be respectful and mindful but as long as u get your point out there and feel heard thats all that matters even if others dont agree with you
So if you have an adult child in your house and they are paying for their car, insurance, clothes, personal hygienge items so is that enough or should they be oaying some form of rent.
I've meet Dr. Julie before and she really does have a lantern in every room, especially the bedroom. I didn't want to turn you into a doormat Jules I just wanted to spice things up. God I miss my dad.
How to deal with difficult people from close family relationships? Like in laws or one's own mom n siblings who just hurt me in spite of being kind to them
Being a shy introvertive yes girl since childhood it extended to adulthood.
I wanted to be myself as an individual in every way
I just say yes seek others approval always coz i feel unworthy as a woman .. i feel afraid people get moody and stop talking to me
I will 50 yrs next year
Being in a hindu family is more complex to adjust with in laws or one's owm blood though we stay apart
I want to be myself n set my boundaries
Any advice plz
It amazes me how people take on what is she saying as if she has all the answers and it is an absolute truth. Starting from those presenters. Also disappointing that Julie Hanks gives out teen style of an advice. I was listening to her talk about ‘emotional vampires’ and thought it makes sense. This makes me realise that most of what she is saying is just a form of popular talk. I never heard of her before that, and I see now, I did not miss out on anything
How to set boundaries when they inv intrusive and they invade your personal space and privacy but not respecting your personal cell phone
That did not work with my friends which is why their my exfriends.🤗
Well, then you go and talk to the person 12 more times about the same subject , that way we do't have to. We will call you for help, thank you!!
Neidytrozeski, you deserve better
Please give me definitive approval of me!
i know that but i do it :/
saying somebodies had a conversation 12 times is not an example of being polite and setting a boundary positively, it's about coming across as superior and patronizing, esp the way the blond woman says it. bad advice.
Spartan I couldn't care less. If you've heard it 12 times and on each occasion you've offered advice and they've not heeded it or tried to change their circumstances then they are doing nothing but attention seeking.
I actually agree with Spartan....I think you can still set boundaries without being mean or cruel.
Not true, my boyfriend's mother walks out the room when im in it, simply because im black. Lol that is offensive and plp can offend without you allowing it.
I'm kindly sick of this. Can we talk about something else? Thanks.
so who are they and who are YOU? HYPOCRISY