Excerpts from my book The Relationship Revolution. UPDATE: Please note that the website listed in the video no longer works. It is now www.relationshipexcellence.com
Number three I really enjoy it when you said "who cares what doesn't work" I totally agree with you that blaming and complaining doesn't work, it's also not taking responsibility. If we blame the other person, because we've done nothing wrong, the opportunity to learn how to be proactive, how to learn to be persuasive, how to change our body language or facial expressions doesn't present itself.
Owen if right on. I see from the comments below those people were not listening carefully :-) Owen does not mean don't compromise..he says both people can have what they want without settling for less than what they want. No one can disagree with this wise advice. Then he tells you how. Listen carefully, this dude is brilliant. I love you all
Interesting ideas, especially the part about how compromise kills, and suggesting negotiation. The only negative thing I can think of is if you're with a partner that is unwilling to compromise, they probably won't be willing negotiate. Compromise is not just a matter of settling for less, the idea is to give up a little because the relationship is factored in with the other benefits. If both sides are slightly less happy with the outcome, but still have a fair and happy relationship, then it's a win. If I only wanted my way, and nothing else, I could be alone, but if another person is involved, there will always be some conflict. And what about things that can't be negotiated? Like for example, he lights rooms painted blue and she likes red. No logical reason, just taste. How do you negotiate that? Well you could sit down and discuss who has to look at the walls more. That might work, but if all is equal, a compromise is a useful tool. It shows that both sides care enough to give in a little to make sure that everyone's feelings are considered. Like in this example, they could agree to paint half the rooms red and the other half the rooms blue. Or maybe paint them red this time and then next time paint them blue. Sometimes both sides have to give a little because of inevitable conflicts, and negotiation is not a fix all with using compromise as one of the negotiating tools. Other than that, I liked the idea. I have never really seen compromise as a bad thing before, so that's definitely an interesting take.
What pisses me off is the term 'nagging'. If people would listen and respond to a request the first time it's asked, there would not be a further request. If you're being 'nagged', it's because you've ignored the original request or two... Just sayin'...
agree. my ex told me to stop "nagging." how many times should i tell him to find a job and keep it? i thought 18 years is way long enough for him to find a job and get his shit together. but boy, i was wrong.
i think if theres no compromise in a relationship no cooperation,,,,,,,its not gonna work no matter how much u love each other.......if ur not putting an effort to save ur relation its gonna die .........i think....
Saying "It's not who is right, it is what is right." "be right or be happy" is wrong thinking, because it leads to "peace at any price." which leads to abuse. What you said earlier is correct. It is loving the person and finding out what is important to them and if they also love you and find out what is important to you that is the key. What is important to you is important to me, that is getting to a higher plane.
I think what he is saying is that compromise can mean giving in, without negotiation. This can lead to resentment. If we talk it through and truly understand the other's view, then we can come to agreement as adults.
With 24 years experiance, I agree 100%. I would also add a fourth one, if I may, that is having negative, hostile comments from any family members including parents. Deal with any form of hostility towards your partner as soon as you identify it. Negative comments are the first signs. Never tolerate this form of abuse or it tends to intensify if not dealt with appropriately.
Thank you for the input. I completely understand the "compromise" issue, but cannot agree totally. In your example it has surely a "killing" character, but negotiation ends in a compromise for one or the other...imho...
You're completely right about complaining. In my marriage is my husband who always focuses in what is wrong about everything, sometimes totally loosing sight of what is fine, which is much much more, and this really brings me down..:(
I would add "Impatience" and "not enough respect for the other person." We can be blindsided by a situation that we have to deal with and have no experience in, and impatience from the other person does NOT help. Nobody is perfect - not respecting someone for who they are will end a relationship.
He makes it sound like there is only one kind of compromise. I agree, completely changing something about what you really want is a killer, but something like getting up earlier than usual to have breakfast with your gf when she asks is something that can only help. Little compromises that don't really affect you are absolutely necessary, but big ones that change who you are are a red flag
This is great and so true. There are different ways to comprise with out settling for half, my mom and dad had a compromise... He went shopping with her two days a week and she had to go to Disneyland with him two days a week. They did this for each other and neither had to settle compromise.
1st of all, me being a man, I will not hesitate to submit that I take great pride and pleasure in being right-esp. towards those who lack good judgment. And as far as complaints go, I can bitch up a storm, jack. But the coup de gras-compromise-that's the biggest red flag right there. Jim Rohn once mentioned that when you compromise, you sell out. I'm guilty of ALL of these. I agree that those three traits can cause nothing but havoc in a relationship. Thx 4 posting this. I learned a lot.
The compromise thing is *EXACTLY* what I tell people too! If you are in a GOOD relationship, you don't compromise! Compromising is something you do out of fear, not love! If you are a lot into sports, you cannot "compromise" and start doing your sports less. You can decide to invest more into your relationship, and give up a bit on your sports. THAT is okay, THAT works, but it is NOT compromising! It's investing!
Number 2 I really liked your view, and I'm sure your book reveals much more, and it was very interesting,especially reading views from people, on your self-development talks Competitiveness, you can have great fun being competitive, often at the expense of the other, most competitive people are wearing the other person down and 8/10 eventually breakdown, but one thing that I have realised is; if you want to impress someone be impressed by them.
My first boyfriend said that compromise was a lose lose situation for couples. He was so right! And he said this 20 years ago. Fast forward 17 years and I married a guy who ALWAYS had to be right. His competitiveness destroyed our marriage. We lasted a whopping 5 months of marriage because I disagreed about his, as he puts it, "values". He was racist and I wasn't so that destroyed everything. I was told in a therapy session with him that I had to agree with him about hating Mexicans. The fact that I disagreed was to our marital demise.
I almost tuned out - but glad I stayed -- because at the outset, his comment that compromise 'kills a relationship' was stated so severely, it gave the impression he might be one those 'marketable catch phrase' uggs. But what he conveyed wasn't like that at all. It was actually very insightful -- I must've liked it. I watched it 3 times....
I absouletly agree with him what he said only last two but not first one which is compromise. My friend needs to understand life is too short to find that right person in our life span your statement will be right if we live thousands of years. Please give me thumbs up if you agree
what a bunch of bullshit. You HAVE to compromise in a relationship. You have to find the right level of give and take where both parties can be happy. You can't always get your cake and eat it too. An example would be what if one person in a relationship gets an amazing job offer in another state and the other person does not want to move? You will have to work together to find a way to make both parties happy with the move or the one person who received the job offer will need to compromise on that good job in order to stay together. In some situations compromise is necessary you just don't want it to lead to resentment.
lol, about being right or wrong, but sometimes admitting you're wrong is very brave and dignifying. Actually, done at the right time, knowing and admitting you're wrong can be very liberating. The old cliche still works- What's more important? To be right or to be happy?
Complaining never works. Taking responsibility for yourself works. Do what you want when you want and how you want as long as it isn't hurting anyone else or yourself, and never expect someone else to do what you want by complaining. And if the other person in the relationship doesn't take full responsibility for themselves. Move on. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't share the same values and treat the relationship with the respect it deserves.
relationships can last as long as both PERCEIVE themselves as being fairly reflected. if a relationship ends it is simply because one first and later both PERCEIVE themselves as being reflected unfairly. this PERCEPTION is what originates first the compromising technique secondly the keeping score technique and lastly the complaining technique. there are so many troubled relationships because most people PERCEIVE themselves as greater than they really are and their lovers bring on a more objective reflection and it feels stressful to have your lover treat you objectively like just another human with plenty of aspects in need to be developed and expanded. in the end unfortunately NO perception is ever fully accurate, not even one's own perception of him/herself. the difficulty isn't brought on by bad communication techniques but by what we communicate with our behavior tendencies rather than with our words.
A little short-sighted think: he says "Do you know anyone who likes being wrong?" The problem with this is that he is saying the ego should be honored rather than the truth. Sometimes we are simply wrong and it takes an adult with a strong sense of self to admit and accept that he/she is wrong. This is a strength. It is a phony strength to "not liking to be wrong." Not liking being wrong, and thereby not seeing and being humble to our shortcomings, will kill a relationship!
Compromise in my understanding is the same as negotiation, not giving in. Plus, if a man shuts down when a woman complains, the problem is with the man. Women cannot and should not be forced to be silenced about what doesn't work, or they will both live in denial.
I agree on the other 2 reasons but I do not think compromises kills relationship. First of all, compromise means to settle a dispute by mutual concession. That said means both parties agreed on any decision made, if both agreed that means they have negotiated and talked it out. My husband and I do compromise. Even if most husband dislike to stay long hours in a shopping mall they still do it because they love pleasing their women. Or even if i dislike my husband falling asleep while we are watching movies.. i let him. Maybe you mean, sacrificing can end a relationship. First of all sacrificing your needs or wants to your partner just to please him or her will not make you happy at all in a long run.. while compromising surely will.
to compromise the way he is explaining is to give in or give up to have a mutual agreemant, but the word doesn't mean that, compromise is to have balance is the same as negotiation in which both parties are winners. i looked it up in the dictionary something didn't check , so the thing is to compromise in the level of being winners is the right way of saying it
complaining and doing something about it is different then complaining and not doing something about it is 2 different things.When someone complains and it is the same shit over and over that drains that other person that listen to it big time.
I like your first comment compromise doesn't work, what I got from it was," understanding and listening". The Basic elements of people skills. I believe, learning people skills is very intelligent way of living life, rather than blaming and complaining. I think you have a great speaking voice, although at times your pitch was very high. I hope you don't mind the feedback
at 3:45 "Who cares what doesn't work" He says this in the middle of a video about what doesn't work (in a relationship). at 4:00 "Compromise, Competitiveness and Complaints - give 'em up." ie; because they don't work!
Once you read enough articles and watch enough videos you start seeing a psychological pattern emerge. This is what I got from Treitan Mellory’s website, though you won’t have to spend hours if you follow his advice.
Wait... you shouldn't 'compromise', you should 'find a solution that works for both people'. What is your definition of compromise and how does it differ from 'find[ing] a solution that works for both people'??
Compromise can be both positive or a negative. The questions that need to be asked are, What is it are you compromising and what are you compromising it for? Some things will never work if there is no compromise. In other words you have differences that are 'irreconcilable' - that's just another way to spell 'divorce'. Compromise is much different than appeasing someone, or having someone who is unappeasable. That's a sign of a toxic relationship that leads to resentment. The explanation is a little simplistic and sounds more like an infomercial.
I don't know what to make of this guy. He has a point in all he said and he can logically put things well, but I think he's a bit confused about what compromise is. In my view, compromising is not about cancelling your whole personality, your entire needs and desires. So, sometimes it's necessary to compromise out of love. It doesn't mean you will stop being you and that you have to do it all the time, otherwise it's not compromise. The ratio is important when we compromise; it means equality.
At the end of the day if two people are right for each other there would be no compromise complaints or competing coz u would both be happy with each other, u can't change a person, and that's why u get to know them first
whew!! i never thought that compromise could kill a relationship... :)) thanks for the info :))but i guess, the best solution of having a god relationship with someone is to have COMMUNICATION and COMMITMENT..on the other side, i totally agree that complaining isn't really good in a relationship,.it will only create a problem..i sometimes complain to my boyfriend and nag him...and this only make the situation worse..
Win-win works better than compromise Seek to understand is better than being committed to being right. Focus on the postive and build on that. He shares a lot of similarities with Stephen Covey.
There certainly is some very practical and useful validity to Owen's advice. I do think that he is speaking mostly from the male perspective to women. How can that not be incredibly useful! What often causes people to engage in ways that cause the relationship to function better, is understanding from the other gender's perspective. So I found what he said very useful. I only have one issue with what was said that may offer the male perspective insight int he same way. That is that Owen says that women KNOW that complaining pushes a man away. Not only are they often not aware of this, but women often don't even realize they have slipped into complaining! Pain numbs and if the man has acted in ways that have brought a breech of trust and pain to the relationship (ogling other women for instance or other ways we convey through action the other partner is not enough for us), then a woman may well in her attempts to tell him what she needs to heal, may slip into complaining, especially if a man takes no action to heal it on his own initiative. Bottom line is there must be clear back and forth communication and when a man perceives something a woman is communicating as criticism or complaining, he should say so. If it is pushing him away and he neglects to say so, she may take his silence to mean agreement. Communication is not just critical in the relationship. It IS the relationship.
Compromise is critical in a relationship, if you plan to sustain it day in and day out. Let's say you go out to dinner on Saturday nights, and your partner loves burger joints and you like the sushi bar. Last Saturday you went out for sushi, so the next Saturday, you "compromise" and go out for burgers. It's a no brainer. If that needs to be negotiated you're being manipulated.
com·pro·mise ˈkämprəˌmīz/Submit noun 1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. I agree with the last two points but you actually described compromise;saying it was what we should do; while saying it is compromise was a relationship killer.
I may be mistaken, but isn't a compromise when you come to an agreement over a difference of opinion on which action is better? I believe you may have used the wrong word or example or both..
Guys who last in these types of relationships for a long time with women are either going along with everything she says or wants to keep the peace. Or have a girl whose very blindly loyal and possibly addicted to the 'idea of love' and 'having a relationship' not neccesarily whether or not it is a healthy or possitive realtionship. If you have both these things the relationship will need one of the two to have a huge revelation for it ever to break the passive-possessive cycle.
I know I need to leave my bd. He lies about watching porn saying it’s harmless but it’s destroyed our intimacy and he is not willing to stop and as painful as it is going to be, I’ve got to leave him before he completely destroys me. I’m sad all the time and there’s no trust or respect for me anymore. I’m tired of not being happy and this is killing my heart 😪
He is absolutely right!! Those were the things that killed my 7 year relationship a month ago...lol EXACTLY,,,,he always thought he was right....and he didnt know how to compromise, but i compromised all the damn time,... don't do this stop doing that etc etc etc....He always complained about everything I did, I excepted his flaws and he didn't try to except mine...damn
We keep doing the same things and expecting a different result, we try and change people without permission, which as you know will take a few lifetimes never-mind our lifetime
Number three
I really enjoy it when you said "who cares what doesn't work"
I totally agree with you that blaming and complaining doesn't work, it's also not taking responsibility.
If we blame the other person, because we've done nothing wrong, the opportunity to learn how to be proactive, how to learn to be persuasive, how to change our body language or facial expressions doesn't present itself.
Owen if right on. I see from the comments below those people were not listening carefully :-) Owen does not mean don't compromise..he says both people can have what they want without settling for less than what they want. No one can disagree with this wise advice. Then he tells you how. Listen carefully, this dude is brilliant. I love you all
Interesting ideas, especially the part about how compromise kills, and suggesting negotiation. The only negative thing I can think of is if you're with a partner that is unwilling to compromise, they probably won't be willing negotiate. Compromise is not just a matter of settling for less, the idea is to give up a little because the relationship is factored in with the other benefits. If both sides are slightly less happy with the outcome, but still have a fair and happy relationship, then it's a win. If I only wanted my way, and nothing else, I could be alone, but if another person is involved, there will always be some conflict. And what about things that can't be negotiated? Like for example, he lights rooms painted blue and she likes red. No logical reason, just taste. How do you negotiate that? Well you could sit down and discuss who has to look at the walls more. That might work, but if all is equal, a compromise is a useful tool. It shows that both sides care enough to give in a little to make sure that everyone's feelings are considered. Like in this example, they could agree to paint half the rooms red and the other half the rooms blue. Or maybe paint them red this time and then next time paint them blue. Sometimes both sides have to give a little because of inevitable conflicts, and negotiation is not a fix all with using compromise as one of the negotiating tools. Other than that, I liked the idea. I have never really seen compromise as a bad thing before, so that's definitely an interesting take.
He's correct about complaining but even the best of relationships have compromise
What pisses me off is the term 'nagging'. If people would listen and respond to a request the first time it's asked, there would not be a further request. If you're being 'nagged', it's because you've ignored the original request or two... Just sayin'...
Michele Burton my thoughts exactly
I absolutely agree!
must make sure the other person is listening first and also interested.
agree. my ex told me to stop "nagging." how many times should i tell him to find a job and keep it? i thought 18 years is way long enough for him to find a job and get his shit together. but boy, i was wrong.
Ok but at the same point you need to stfu and parent yourself. Niggas is adults. U not in anybodys head.
i think if theres no compromise in a relationship no cooperation,,,,,,,its not gonna work no matter how much u love each other.......if ur not putting an effort to save ur relation its gonna die .........i think....
Saying "It's not who is right, it is what is right." "be right or be happy" is wrong thinking, because it leads to "peace at any price." which leads to abuse. What you said earlier is correct. It is loving the person and finding out what is important to them and if they also love you and find out what is important to you that is the key. What is important to you is important to me, that is getting to a higher plane.
Well he spoke of negotiation which is the vital communication he was talking about. He was just saying dont settle for less neccisarily
This is great advice. I work on all this things with my clients. When we understand them the relationship can grow strong.
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I think what he is saying is that compromise can mean giving in, without negotiation. This can lead to resentment. If we talk it through and truly understand the other's view, then we can come to agreement as adults.
With 24 years experiance, I agree 100%.
I would also add a fourth one, if I may, that is having negative, hostile comments from any family members including parents. Deal with any form of hostility towards your partner as soon as you identify it. Negative comments are the first signs. Never tolerate this form of abuse or it tends to intensify if not dealt with appropriately.
Thank you for the input. I completely understand the "compromise" issue, but cannot agree totally. In your example it has surely a "killing" character, but negotiation ends in a compromise for one or the other...imho...
As much as one partner strives we can't change the other partner. We both have to want the relationship to work
You're completely right about complaining. In my marriage is my husband who always focuses in what is wrong about everything, sometimes totally loosing sight of what is fine, which is much much more, and this really brings me down..:(
I would add "Impatience" and "not enough respect for the other person."
We can be blindsided by a situation that we have to deal with and have no experience in, and impatience from the other person does NOT help. Nobody is perfect - not respecting someone for who they are will end a relationship.
This was SO spot on. Thank you.
He makes it sound like there is only one kind of compromise. I agree, completely changing something about what you really want is a killer, but something like getting up earlier than usual to have breakfast with your gf when she asks is something that can only help. Little compromises that don't really affect you are absolutely necessary, but big ones that change who you are are a red flag
This is great and so true. There are different ways to comprise with out settling for half, my mom and dad had a compromise... He went shopping with her two days a week and she had to go to Disneyland with him two days a week. They did this for each other and neither had to settle compromise.
;
I love this video! Direct and to the point!
Thanks for the upload mate 👍👍👍
good advice in my opinion.
1st of all, me being a man, I will not hesitate to submit that I take great pride and pleasure in being right-esp. towards those who lack good judgment. And as far as complaints go, I can bitch up a storm, jack. But the coup de gras-compromise-that's the biggest red flag right there. Jim Rohn once mentioned that when you compromise, you sell out. I'm guilty of ALL of these. I agree that those three traits can cause nothing but havoc in a relationship.
Thx 4 posting this. I learned a lot.
The compromise thing is *EXACTLY* what I tell people too! If you are in a GOOD relationship, you don't compromise! Compromising is something you do out of fear, not love!
If you are a lot into sports, you cannot "compromise" and start doing your sports less.
You can decide to invest more into your relationship, and give up a bit on your sports. THAT is okay, THAT works, but it is NOT compromising! It's investing!
Number 2
I really liked your view, and I'm sure your book reveals much more, and it was very interesting,especially reading views from people, on your self-development talks
Competitiveness, you can have great fun being competitive, often at the expense of the other, most competitive people are wearing the other person down and 8/10 eventually breakdown, but one thing that I have realised is; if you want to impress someone be impressed by them.
When a man complains, I leave too.
My first boyfriend said that compromise was a lose lose situation for couples. He was so right! And he said this 20 years ago. Fast forward 17 years and I married a guy who ALWAYS had to be right. His competitiveness destroyed our marriage. We lasted a whopping 5 months of marriage because I disagreed about his, as he puts it, "values". He was racist and I wasn't so that destroyed everything. I was told in a therapy session with him that I had to agree with him about hating Mexicans. The fact that I disagreed was to our marital demise.
When one doesn't compromise, EVER....it kills.
I learnt my lesson...but thank you for the video.
Liked your advice, thank you. I understand.
Amma bhagbhan i love you too.you always help in critical situation.
Thank you!!! :-) You are a dude!! Each point made LAUGH OUT LOUD !! So true!
I almost tuned out - but glad I stayed -- because at the outset, his comment that compromise 'kills a relationship' was stated so severely, it gave the impression he might be one those 'marketable catch phrase' uggs. But what he conveyed wasn't like that at all. It was actually very insightful -- I must've liked it. I watched it 3 times....
Thank you for your info. It is helpful. It is great and it will be better if the way you speak is softer. Thanks again.
Getting married kills a good friendship.
Getting married also kills a wonderful sex life.
Amen, sister!
I agree
I TOTALLY agree.just stay fuck buddies for get the rest.beware young BRO.
I absouletly agree with him what he said only last two but not first one which is compromise.
My friend needs to understand life is too short to find that right person in our life span your statement will be right if we live thousands of years.
Please give me thumbs up if you agree
It does make sense if you open up your mind. I agree with this
You forgot one. Criticism.
what a bunch of bullshit. You HAVE to compromise in a relationship. You have to find the right level of give and take where both parties can be happy. You can't always get your cake and eat it too. An example would be what if one person in a relationship gets an amazing job offer in another state and the other person does not want to move? You will have to work together to find a way to make both parties happy with the move or the one person who received the job offer will need to compromise on that good job in order to stay together. In some situations compromise is necessary you just don't want it to lead to resentment.
lol, about being right or wrong, but sometimes admitting you're wrong is very brave and dignifying. Actually, done at the right time, knowing and admitting you're wrong can be very liberating. The old cliche still works- What's more important? To be right or to be happy?
Complaining never works. Taking responsibility for yourself works. Do what you want when you want and how you want as long as it isn't hurting anyone else or yourself, and never expect someone else to do what you want by complaining. And if the other person in the relationship doesn't take full responsibility for themselves. Move on. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't share the same values and treat the relationship with the respect it deserves.
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relationships can last as long as both PERCEIVE themselves as being fairly reflected. if a relationship ends it is simply because one first and later both PERCEIVE themselves as being reflected unfairly. this PERCEPTION is what originates first the compromising technique secondly the keeping score technique and lastly the complaining technique. there are so many troubled relationships because most people PERCEIVE themselves as greater than they really are and their lovers bring on a more objective reflection and it feels stressful to have your lover treat you objectively like just another human with plenty of aspects in need to be developed and expanded. in the end unfortunately NO perception is ever fully accurate, not even one's own perception of him/herself. the difficulty isn't brought on by bad communication techniques but by what we communicate with our behavior tendencies rather than with our words.
great advice, thankyou!
these are the three things? I thought selfishness would surely be one....
A little short-sighted think: he says "Do you know anyone who likes being wrong?" The problem with this is that he is saying the ego should be honored rather than the truth. Sometimes we are simply wrong and it takes an adult with a strong sense of self to admit and accept that he/she is wrong. This is a strength. It is a phony strength to "not liking to be wrong." Not liking being wrong, and thereby not seeing and being humble to our shortcomings, will kill a relationship!
This man just touched on why the Feminist Movement was created. To make relationships competitive so that they are guaranteed to fail.
I've already liked this vid due to the part about compromise
I could not agree more
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Compromise in my understanding is the same as negotiation, not giving in. Plus, if a man shuts down when a woman complains, the problem is with the man. Women cannot and should not be forced to be silenced about what doesn't work, or they will both live in denial.
100 marks to you for that!
I agree on the other 2 reasons but I do not think compromises kills relationship. First of all, compromise means to settle a dispute by mutual concession. That said means both parties agreed on any decision made, if both agreed that means they have negotiated and talked it out. My husband and I do compromise. Even if most husband dislike to stay long hours in a shopping mall they still do it because they love pleasing their women. Or even if i dislike my husband falling asleep while we are watching movies.. i let him. Maybe you mean, sacrificing can end a relationship. First of all sacrificing your needs or wants to your partner just to please him or her will not make you happy at all in a long run.. while compromising surely will.
to compromise the way he is explaining is to give in or give up to have a mutual agreemant, but the word doesn't mean that, compromise is to have balance is the same as negotiation in which both parties are winners. i looked it up in the dictionary something didn't check , so the thing is to compromise in the level of being winners is the right way of saying it
Compromise sucks in all areas of life.
In my opinion I believe there are 2 issues which kill a relationship: fear and withdrawal are behind the dynamics of relationship failure.
i like that, he knows what hes talkin about
complaining and doing something about it is different then complaining and not doing something about it is 2 different things.When someone complains and it is the same shit over and over that drains that other person that listen to it big time.
i killed my relationship by compromising and complaining so i totally agree. but now i am in one and things with us are perfect
He has a good point. Competitiveness.. Right or wrong
I like your first comment compromise doesn't work, what I got from it was," understanding and listening".
The Basic elements of people skills.
I believe, learning people skills is very intelligent way of living life, rather than blaming and complaining.
I think you have a great speaking voice, although at times your pitch was very high.
I hope you don't mind the feedback
WOW!!! Great advice. Wish I knew this years ago. But not too late. Gracias!
at 3:45 "Who cares what doesn't work" He says this in the middle of a video about what doesn't work (in a relationship).
at 4:00 "Compromise, Competitiveness and Complaints - give 'em up." ie; because they don't work!
Once you read enough articles and watch enough videos you start seeing a psychological pattern emerge. This is what I got from Treitan Mellory’s website, though you won’t have to spend hours if you follow his advice.
Wait... you shouldn't 'compromise', you should 'find a solution that works for both people'. What is your definition of compromise and how does it differ from 'find[ing] a solution that works for both people'??
The fact that you watched it first gives me the idea that you needed to hear this more than he does haha
Compromise can be both positive or a negative. The questions that need to be asked are, What is it are you compromising and what are you compromising it for?
Some things will never work if there is no compromise. In other words you have differences that are 'irreconcilable' - that's just another way to spell 'divorce'.
Compromise is much different than appeasing someone, or having someone who is unappeasable. That's a sign of a toxic relationship that leads to resentment.
The explanation is a little simplistic and sounds more like an infomercial.
pure gold
Spoken like a true MAN!!!!
you are so lucky as you are getting grace .
I don't know what to make of this guy. He has a point in all he said and he can logically put things well, but I think he's a bit confused about what compromise is. In my view, compromising is not about cancelling your whole personality, your entire needs and desires. So, sometimes it's necessary to compromise out of love. It doesn't mean you will stop being you and that you have to do it all the time, otherwise it's not compromise. The ratio is important when we compromise; it means equality.
>tfw never will have this problem, perfect person all ready found.
At the end of the day if two people are right for each other there would be no compromise complaints or competing coz u would both be happy with each other, u can't change a person, and that's why u get to know them first
But if you're the perfect nice boy she'll leave for the bad boy.
whew!! i never thought that compromise could kill a relationship... :)) thanks for the info :))but i guess, the best solution of having a god relationship with someone is to have COMMUNICATION and COMMITMENT..on the other side, i totally agree that complaining isn't really good in a relationship,.it will only create a problem..i sometimes complain to my boyfriend and nag him...and this only make the situation worse..
Win-win works better than compromise
Seek to understand is better than being committed to being right.
Focus on the postive and build on that.
He shares a lot of similarities with Stephen Covey.
i like this guy!
There certainly is some very practical and useful validity to Owen's advice. I do think that he is speaking mostly from the male perspective to women. How can that not be incredibly useful! What often causes people to engage in ways that cause the relationship to function better, is understanding from the other gender's perspective. So I found what he said very useful. I only have one issue with what was said that may offer the male perspective insight int he same way. That is that Owen says that women KNOW that complaining pushes a man away.
Not only are they often not aware of this, but women often don't even realize they have slipped into complaining! Pain numbs and if the man has acted in ways that have brought a breech of trust and pain to the relationship (ogling other women for instance or other ways we convey through action the other partner is not enough for us), then a woman may well in her attempts to tell him what she needs to heal, may slip into complaining, especially if a man takes no action to heal it on his own initiative.
Bottom line is there must be clear back and forth communication and when a man perceives something a woman is communicating as criticism or complaining, he should say so. If it is pushing him away and he neglects to say so, she may take his silence to mean agreement. Communication is not just critical in the relationship. It IS the relationship.
its a great video ... learn from it
Compromise is critical in a relationship, if you plan to sustain it day in and day out. Let's say you go out to dinner on Saturday nights, and your partner loves burger joints and you like the sushi bar. Last Saturday you went out for sushi, so the next Saturday, you "compromise" and go out for burgers. It's a no brainer. If that needs to be negotiated you're being manipulated.
com·pro·mise
ˈkämprəˌmīz/Submit
noun
1.
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
I agree with the last two points but you actually described compromise;saying it was what we should do; while saying it is compromise was a relationship killer.
I may be mistaken, but isn't a compromise when you come to an agreement over a difference of opinion on which action is better? I believe you may have used the wrong word or example or both..
Guys who last in these types of relationships for a long time with women are either going along with everything she says or wants to keep the peace. Or have a girl whose very blindly loyal and possibly addicted to the 'idea of love' and 'having a relationship' not neccesarily whether or not it is a healthy or possitive realtionship. If you have both these things the relationship will need one of the two to have a huge revelation for it ever to break the passive-possessive cycle.
thanks
#1 is the reason i broke up with MY girlfriend nearly 12 years ago. i havent dated since
Well spoken...but what would Dr Phil's opinions be on these matters? can you do a video with Dr Phil?
I know I need to leave my bd. He lies about watching porn saying it’s harmless but it’s destroyed our intimacy and he is not willing to stop and as painful as it is going to be, I’ve got to leave him before he completely destroys me. I’m sad all the time and there’s no trust or respect for me anymore. I’m tired of not being happy and this is killing my heart 😪
There's a great way to have everything your own way. It's called STAYING SINGLE.
Great and true
I like him every little bit helps
He is absolutely right!! Those were the things that killed my 7 year relationship a month ago...lol EXACTLY,,,,he always thought he was right....and he didnt know how to compromise, but i compromised all the damn time,... don't do this stop doing that etc etc etc....He always complained about everything I did, I excepted his flaws and he didn't try to except mine...damn
One big thing that kills relationship is him out screwing around while you stay home and take care of his kids!!!
Amen!
as I am watching I am making sure hes wearing a ring.
We keep doing the same things and expecting a different result, we try and change people without permission, which as you know will take a few lifetimes never-mind our lifetime
I was thinking the exact same thing.
I totally agree about the complaining, btw. Nagging is the number one killer! It happens, but if it goes out of control, the relationship is doomed.
An aggrement that works for both. Is that not a compromise?
love that man its so true
It sounds like a fight!
NEGOTIATION IS COMPROMISE
and you think lack of communication doesnt kill a relationship? it killed MINE!
3 things that kill a relationship, INFIDELITY, LYING, NOT RESPECTING THE EACH OTHER