it takes a village!! let's explore communal living & intentional communities | Internet Analysis
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 มิ.ย. 2024
- coliving, cohousing, and all sorts of communities! // Click here bit.ly/472PopJ to take the quiz and use my code TIFFFERG for 50% off your first Care/of subscription order.
** Care/of works hard to recommend supplements based on scientific research and your personal goals. As a friendly reminder, supplements aren’t intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. **
Full video episodes of Internet Analysis are available to watch/listen on SPOTIFY! Follow the show here: open.spotify.com/show/1lec8eA...
♥ Instagram: / tferg__
♥ Second Channel: bit.ly/tfergvlogs
TIME STAMPS:
00:00 - intro
3:09 - roommates
4:52 - thank you, sponsor!
6:22 - suburbs & the nuclear family
8:32 - live closer to friends!
11:10 - defining coliving, cohousing, intentional communities, etc
14:30 - joyful coliving! (LGBTQ+ houses, platonic life partners)
17:26 - multigenerational living
19:41 - ADUs (granny flats, guest houses, etc)
21:15 - Cohousing; co-buy a duplex
24:33 - cohousing communities, eco villages
28:35 - final thoughts
RESOURCES & REFERENCES:
I want to start a queer commune (by Molly Savard) - conversationalist.org/2022/08...
Live closer to your friends (by Adrienne Matei) - www.theatlantic.com/family/ar...
How to live near your friends (by Priya) - prigoose.substack.com/p/how-t...
You'd be happier living closer to friends. Why don't you? (by Anne Helen Petersen) - annehelen.substack.com/p/youd...
Foundation for Intentional Community - www.ic.org/
‘Mommunes’: Mothers Are Living Single Together (by Debra Kamin) - www.nytimes.com/2023/05/12/re...
Inside an accidental trans enclave in East Williamsburg (by P.E. Moskowitz) - www.curbed.com/2022/02/trans-...
How to split ownership of a home (CoBuy video) - www.cobuy.io/blog/how-to-spli...
ADU Aid Programs Across the U.S. - villahomes.com/blog/adu-aid-p...
Three Friends Bought a Brooklyn House Where They Could Live Alone Together (by Joyce Cohen) - www.nytimes.com/interactive/2...
Three Friends Pooled Their Finances and Bought a Queens House Together (by Debra Kamin) - www.nytimes.com/interactive/2...
Let's go community shopping (by Anne Helen Petersen) - annehelen.substack.com/p/lets...
230 People LIVING COMMUNALLY: TOUR of Ithaca EcoVillage - Ep. 051 - • 230 People LIVING COMM...
Cohousing communities help prevent social isolation - • Cohousing communities ...
Beyond Affordability: English Cohousing Communities as White Middle-Class Spaces (by Yael Arbell) - www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/...
Queer, Person of Color, or Low-Income; Is cohousing possible for me? (by Cynthia Dettman) - www.ic.org/queer-person-of-co...
Building Freedom: A Look Into Our Future Documentary (Freedom Georgia) - • Building Freedom: A Lo...
POCSHN: www.pochousingnetwork.com/
Alternative families, parenting on the verge of extinction (by Jesse D. Palmer) - slingshotcollective.org/7-alt...
VIDEO B-ROLL:
Inside a Post-Capitalism Community (VICE Impact) - • Inside a Post-Capitali...
An Intro to the Student Housing Co-ops (ICC Ann Arbor) - • An Intro to the Studen...
The Non-capitalist Solution to the Housing Crisis (About Here) - • The Non-capitalist Sol...
Inside a Co-Living Brooklyn Townhome (20 Roommates) - • Inside a Co-Living Bro...
Welcome to WeLive, the $16 Billion Start-Up Making Dorm Rooms For Adults - • Welcome to WeLive, the...
5 things to know before building your ADU (Los Angeles Times) - • 5 Things to know befor...
2BR ADU Under 700 Sqft - San Diego Multigenerational ADU - SnapADU - • 2BR ADU Under 700 Sqft...
Tiffany Ferguson (she/her), 28 years old. #internetanalysis #community #loneliness
Business Inquiries: tiffanyferguson@select.co
This episode was co-written by Sheriden Smith!
Captions / video transcription by: / slowxmoxpanda (She is looking for more caption work, so feel free to reach out to her on Twitter!) - ภาพยนตร์และแอนิเมชัน
I wanna hear your utopian living situations, so please share!! // Click here bit.ly/472PopJ to take the quiz and use my code TIFFFERG for 50% off your first Care/of subscription order! I took my vitamins today... did you??
Since I met my best friend about a decade ago we've been talking about living together in a commune-style place. We've even gone so far as to work in fields where our jobs are easily transferable (trades-based work primarily) since the housing situation is both dire and expensive in Canada and so we're going pretty remote for our future home. We are finally in a place where myself, my partner, and my best friend can start looking for and settling on a home and I'm so ready to feel more secure in my housing.
me and 4 roomies share a 850 sq ft house and split all bills evenly. we've done this for 3 years and have never been happier. we all love it.
Communal living has always been my dream. I only started aspiring to living alone recently-ish, and it's exclusively for the reason of sensory issues and anxiety. I want to try living alone to see if it helps me become more functional - the sensory issues alone are quite literally nerfing my brainpower, sensory processing can take a stupid amount of the brain's energy for people with sensory issues.
But that lack of functionality is why I'm not living alone or at least in a better scenario in the first place, so....not really sure how I'm gonna get out of that one 😅
I lived in student co-ops in Berkeley. I found it extremely isolating, even though it was built with low income students in mind. Several other students were rather weathly people who wanted to live the hippie co-op experience. And so they constantly imposed their beliefs on what the house should be ignoring students of color. I was later kicked out of student co-ops because one of these students ridiculed me, but was a popular figure. The issue with mixing people from different backgrounds can cause a lot of disagreement, not growth. I still love the idea of co-ops but people need to be way more open minded of others instead of assuming they know the only right way.
I really enjoy it when you make videos about things you find pleasant. I support you talking about societal problems and okay things that can still have serious downsides, but I think you should make more videos about things that put a smile on your face.
I would love to be able to offer more communal support for my neighbors. Like, let me bring you soup if you’re sick! Let me watch your kids while you go to a doctor’s appointment! But I feel like people are so distrustful that I don’t know how to say I’m available for that support without seeming creepy.
One possible solution is to ask for their help first. Ask them to come water your plants while you're away for a weekend. This will show that you trust them, and in turn, they are likely to trust you.
Another idea is to organise a "let's get to know each other" event/picnic. Put a flyer in all the neighbour's mail box, see who shows up.
I live in a building like that and this all originated from a couple who moved in and invited the whole building to their place for a small gathering with snacks and drinks (a concept that we call Apero and has no equivalent in English).
Yes! This is a great idea. What might be even easier is just going over if you’re baking and notice you need an egg or some more flour etc. It is something normal and easy to give and you could offer your help in return, e. g. if they’re ever away for a weekend and need someone to feed their cat
I’m right with you. I live in a rural area that is actually a large very isolated neighborhood. Everyone has at least an acre, encouraging a lot of resources spent on maintenance. It’s crazy how each house has their own riding lawnmower, all of which are constantly breaking down.
Yet we don’t know one another at all. Ive lived here for 22 years and am just now making an effort to meet my neighbors.
It’s hard but worth it. The lady to the north has chickens and started giving me eggs for free. In return, my husband helped mow her lawn when her mower broke.
It’s crazy that it took so long for me to make the effort.
@@MichiruEllI love this idea. Although so far everyone who’s done this in our area was promoting their church. I almost went to one once, but couldn’t quite force myself to sit through a sermon just to meet my neighbors.
I'd definitely say to start small. My neighbor brings my garbage can down from the curb for me many weeks and it's a small thing but it's so meaningful to me.
"Many people are prepared to move for a new job, to be with a romantic partner, or even just for an adventure. Moving to be closer to buddies should be no different. Friends are not incidental to a good life; they're essential to one." I wish this was a more common mindset in our society.
Yeah, especially since very deep friendships can outlast romantic relationships.
Realistically, look how people treat each other. I might not even move for my husband to be real. Definitely not for someone I have no legal ties to.
This is all for people who have more flexibility, or more willingness to have no roots than me.
Yeah I think this is wishful thinking. People are too conflict avoidant and don’t value platonic relationships as much as romantic relationships because platonic relationships have proven, time and time again, that people are willing to drop you than have hard conversations and communicate with one another. The only friendships worth investing in are the ones that can handle conflict, because it will eventually happen. Anything else is a waste of time.
@@SS-cu8se 100% I use to try so hard to hold on to people. It's really a weight lifted to not fight people who want to go. People leave all the time for no reason. My trust and investment is gone.
Also as much as I love my best friend and am grateful for the technology that will keep us close when we're apart. I am not living in the town she does for nothing, and she cannot move.
This is utopian. We don't build our lives around and involving our lives including life risks and life changing decisions with friends. This is why you don't establish an estate with a friend but a life partner you do and there are legal binding contracts and consequences
Everyday I see how this individualism shit is hurting kids the most. I grew up during a time where it was normal for parents to get together a couple times a month & let the kids run around with each other but whenever I try to recreate that for my own kid, other parents act like I just asked them for a kidney. Like oh I’m so sorry I invited y’all into to my home so I could feed & entertain you while our kids learn basic social skills my bad 🙄
Omg yes, why are people so weird these days?
I had this growing up and it was something i probably looked forward to the most every month or so
My mom loves to boast about how “anti social “ she is , and we grew up pretty isolated because she just legitimately didn’t think socializing often was important
@@cheesebread5eva Sorry to hear that and hope youre doing better now. I grew up quite antisocial but as I've gotten older started to value friendships and being social a lot more
Hope you find people who think like you
I own a property that has 3 living units on it and i filled it up with friends, then more friends moved 2 houses down. It has been some of the most fun ive ever had in my life these last 2 years, i never would have imagined how social ive become!
I’m intensely jealous, and really glad you were able to do that :)
OMG! I hope it only gets better and better for you!!
When I was in my mid 20s, I lives in the same building as my best friend and her siblings (they had two flats in the same unit), it was amazing.
This sounds so incredible!! Enjoy every second of it 💖
What happens if theres a fight or the friendship ends?
One thing I think was left out of this video is that unfortunately, many HOA’s block these co-housing arrangements and do not allow multiple people to sign onto the same mortgage unless they’re married or otherwise related. It sucks and it’s yet another way to prevent lower income folks from owning their own property.
no we (speaking as both alnd lord and guy who lives in neighborhoods i dont want a crackhouse showing up nothing to do with poors i cant roust the crackheads i cant do anything to them like evict them (wuatters rights blah blah blah type shit) so i have to use hard leashed reasons to stop it from happening in the first place
Since you have no idea what you’re talking about, let me explain: A deep and mortgage held by numerous people like this is called a tenancy in common deed. With this kind of a deed, every single person has right to the entire property without consent of anyone else. If I want to move into your room because it has a better view, you legally can’t stop me. If I decide I want to move a couple friends in, you legally can’t stop me. If I want to give my share of the house away to a sexist asshole who hates gay people, you can’t stop, and now that person has the right to live there and throw house parties with his asshole friends, and you legally can’t stop them. If they want to AirBnB part of the house, the only way you can stop them is through hostile action that will greatly inconvenience an AirBnB who had no idea about any of this. That asshole invites someone over you don’t want, and you call the police, and they produce a copy of a tenancy in common? The police don’t have to make that person leave. Every person on that deed has full ownership of the property independent of the others, while they all have the same ownership. It overlaps.
Unfortunately, I have some friends dealing with that. One member has become toxic after several years, and two people in the house no longer feel safe. They can’t afford to buy him out, don’t qualify to refinance with one fewer person on the deed even if they could, and he doesn’t want to leave “his house” anyway. So they either have to live with him and his new problematic friends, or they have to sell and hope to get enough to get another house they can afford.
When two partners are on a mortgage, they usually have a general warranty deed, and they aren’t so free to do the above. My husband and I have one, and I have the legal right to kick anyone out of this house that he invites in. If I call the cops, the cops will have that person leave because I don’t want them there, and continuing to be there is trespassing. If we move in some friends, and shit starts to go down, only one of us has to tell the friend to leave.
There is a much, much higher chance of something going wrong with a tenancy in common than a property with a general warranty deed, and as much as I fucking HATE HOAs, I don’t blame them for limitations on these deeds. It’s not about “the poors” this time, but about the drastically higher statistical chance of major problems. And really, it just plan sucks living next door to a house with several adults and several cars that take up all the parking in front of your house, forcing you to have to park down the street when it’s icy outside and you have groceries.
If you really to share a deed with several friends, then avoid HOAs. They’re notorious in the best of cases. If the only place you can afford would be in an HOA, you are better not owning at all since owning in HOAs is awful. One of my good friends is dealing with a hostile sexist asshole running for HOA board, and given the lack of other people willing to run for the vacant positions, my friend is looking at moving to avoid being governed by an asshole whose own wife has had a restraining order on him.
@@thecoolestofthe834s2 chad squatters vs virgin landlords
@@thecoolestofthe834s2 bro what does 2 people buying a house together have to do with crackhouses?
@@thecoolestofthe834s2Crack is already illegal. You're just promoting segregation
I think part of the reason the show “Friends” was so popular was because of the characters’ closeness. The show allowed the viewer to feel like they were a part of the gang. All the characters lived near each other (except Phoebe) and they saw each other daily. I think many of us want that, and we participated in it through watching that show.
I hated that show and the lack of boundaries and the disrespect that was supposed to be seen as endearing. Most of them would be unbearable to be around full time. Easier to handle half an hour a week.
That’s so true! They were so close and were able to just drop by and hang out without planning it. That’s a super hard thing to do in your late 20’s and early 30’s and they still managed to do it.
@@noelletakesthesky3977 well I guess communal living like described in this video wouldn’t be for you then 😂
Yes I think about this all the time!! and how the ability to live close together fostered the group to be more connected
I thought of 'Friends' too when watching this video! And similar types of shows, where groups of friends all live near one another and have a common meeting spot they go to regularly.
i’ve cried to my therapist about this very topic 😭 i want a close community of family and friends SO BAD
girl, (or guy, or neither, or both) me toooo!!!
Move in with your therapist 😒
Same 😭
Me too and I’m very much a quality over quantity. I don’t need many people in my community but it’s the quality and genuine care for another person that is hard to come by.
REALLLLLL
I'm 31 and have always had roommates. But I'm actually making enough money now that for the first time in my life, living alone is starting to look like a realistic (even sensible) option. The problem I run into with cohabitation is that people are bad at it, and I count myself as "people" here. I struggle to maintain healthy boundaries and structure, and with the added complexity of other humans in my living space where finances and resources are pooled, I end up diminishing myself. It sucks because I know that ideally, we're social and communal animals that thrive on community and close interpersonal connections.
In theory, I love the idea of living communally, but I feel like I need to figure myself out in isolation and learn what my own needs are before I can live in a situation where I'm required to voice them.
We may be spcial creature who need community but that doesn’t necessarily mean adding complications to our lives is “living in accordance” to our nature
You explained my issues with cohabiting to a tee. Living with other humans is not always easy and I also am someone who naturally falls in line and doesn’t stick to boundaries. This always resulted in deep resentment, Not even mentioning everyone’s various definition of what something being clean is.
I’m currently living by myself and have become so much stronger of a person so I highly recommend it if you can afford it.
If I were to ever Cohab again I’d lay out my expectations immediately with a strict “significant other coming over” policy & boundary in place. That used to be what bothered me the most. Their significant others being at our home when they weren’t even home regularly then wanting to split utilities evenly when I didn’t have anyone at our home period.
Honestly, for me it hasn’t been any easier learning how to set boundaries in isolation. It just feels easier sometimes because there’s fewer instances where I actually have to do it.
I’ve been living in a four bedroom house by myself (well, not completely by myself, I have a cat) for 2 and a half years now, and I don’t think I’m any better at setting boundaries. I’m just not required to do it as often.
I think the best compromise is separate houses in walking distance. You can easily socialise but you still have your own space.
This sounds like me as well. I love having people near, but need my own space. I have a husband, and still have my own bedroom. I can assert boundaries with my family, but worry that asserting them with others will lead to fights. When I’ve had roommates, I was a doormat to keep the peace.
I'm married, but I'd love a side-by-side duplex with my best friend in which we have a shared yard where we can garden and host shindigs together. It'd be so easy for us to care for each other's cats!
That sounds amazing!
I think the biggest difficulty with moving near friends is that job opportunities usually dictate where we live and when your friends have various professions, everyone finding jobs in the same area is nigh impossible, especially right now.
An interesting aspect of this for me is that nowadays we're trying to kind of reverse-engineer a traditional village. "Wouldn't it be fun if our friends lived close and created a supportive community?" Well, actually, it's not a new invention, you just start the other way around: you befriend your neighbours and start giving to your local community, meeting people where they're at and creating new opportunities and initiatives you're passionate about. One of the most freeing and heartening things about this kind of community life is that you do NOT have to have the exact same mindset, path of life, situation, you don't have to have much in common at all except the physical proximity and good will. In the best scenarios, it broadens minds and develops respect for other people's choices while also teaching problem-solving and communication. In the worst scenarios, people fail under tension. In most cases, you'll have moments of both.
I think we are desperately craving community, but haven't been taught or unlearned how to create it. And yes, I'm blaming computers. (We are unable to comprehend any other way of starting things than creating a group or advertising online - which is a fine way, don't get me wrong, but people managed without it before.) It's not just that, of course, but it's definitely one of the roots of constantly increasing isolation and loneliness, on top of rejecting, deconstructing, or straight up demonisinf traditional forms of community.
Agree with all of this. We've lost the art of making connections with the people who are already around us. (And I'm including myself in that.) If you want your friends to live on your block, you could always....make friends with some of the people who live on your block. But it's hard to step outside our comfort zones and take the risk of meeting new people.
@@thatjillgirl cool im not being forced at gun point to have my shit stolen by strangers lmao
@@thecoolestofthe834s2 Um....what???? >_>
@@thecoolestofthe834s2actually, knowing your neighbors makes you safer! People are more likely to steal from strangers. If your neighbor steals from you, you can literally go knock on their door and be like "yo Jeff what the fuck? We got tacos last Tuesday and now you steal from me??"
Anyway you get the point. Knowing your neighbors makes you safer, not the other way around.
You brought up some interesting points.
I do think some of the cohousing and commune solutions are much more radical than just wanting to live by friends. That's why so many started in the 70s -- well before computers hurt communities. They consisted of people who wanted to live in some type of society that was very out of the norm like living off the land, being openly queer/polyamorous, or pooling all resources together.
Many people today are interested in cohousing because of the same reasons. There's a lot of people who are interested in living off the land but without the isolation that's inevitable in most rural farmlands (large plots where all your neighbors are far away).
Another reason it's harder to make community today is because people have much less trust in others. One of my family members wouldn't eat a cake a neighbor brought over because he was convinced she poisoned it (I ate it and was fine). That was an extreme example but generally people are much more terrified of the people around them than they used to be even though crime is much lower than it was in the 50s-80s. Just look at how many parents refuse to let their kids have sleepovers.
I live in a "planned community", Columbia, MD. It is actually pretty amazing! The place was designed for many socioeconomic backgrounds to live together and mix, but the best part is the shared facilities: multiple lakes with 100+miles of maintained paths. Many indoor and outdoor pools, and EVERYTHING is walkable. Best quality of life I have ever had.
im from MD and want something like this!! whats it called?
@@thegirlwhocouldfly Columbia, the whole town is the community🙂👍
I will tell you this. I currently live communally with my family.
I HATE it. You discover one thing through this: You’re loved ones are not necessarily the ones you love.
I love them in a sense of their family, but their personalities are not what I want around me, and being with them all the time made me discover this. Before you do this, PLEASE spend time with someone in their worst moments.
That’s why I always encourage couples to live together for a while before getting married. Have sex, if interested, do finances, push expectations to see what you are not willing to compromise on. See them at their worst and let them see you at your worst and yall figure out real quick if yall only worked out because of the distance of not living together.
One of my favorite aspects of college was being walking distance from friend’s houses
I’m 29 and married with a 2 year old and due to have our second child soon. We bought a house with my mum last year - much like the example in your video it meant we could afford to get into the housing market, we cover the mortgage. The property also has a studio on it, which needs renovation, and when the renovation is done my brother will move into that. Our house is semi separated into my mum’s house and our house. It’s mostly wonderful to have 3 adults split the chores/responsibilities and to have mum’s help with childcare.
Sounds like such a wonderful setup! 💛💛
For me, the sweet spot is when you are able to be friends with your neighbors, which I think people used to do more of and have kind of gotten away from.
As far as actually sharing a home, I would be extremely picky about who I would share with. There are friends I could live with, or my siblings, but there are many people in my life who would drive me absolutely insane.
I miss when neighbors would borrow a cup of sugar from each other, or a couple eggs, rather than an unnecessary trip to the grocery store.
It's honestly so unpredictably hard to befriend neighbors, every place I've lived it's been hard to get a wave or hello out of anyone, let alone conversation. I've spoken with a few of our current neighbors and offered favors and extra plants in the spring, and I'm still struggling to form any kind of connection.
I'm not the best socialite myself, so putting all that effort into reaching out without any meaningful results really does not incentivize me to continue lol. I don't know how people do it
I’m close to my neighbor for the first time ever and it’s so nice! (Our dogs are friends too ✨) it’s nice to chat occasionally and know we can ask each other for favors. Community!!
This would be ideal. Unfortunately, I have had bad experiences with horrible neighbors, so it can be a risk getting to know them, because if the relationship goes south, it's awkward since you still live in close proximity to them.
Yes & it’s so hard!! I mean I generally don’t ever even see my neighbors
This is a topic I think about A LOT and have so many mixed feelings about it. I also wish I lived closer to more friends and family. That being said, I do like having my own apartment. I'm also selective about the people I associate with, because there are some very dysfunctional people out there, and you don't want to become dependent on them.
I also appreciate that you didn't over-romanticise/idealize any one living situation. As a South Asian American, I get tired of White progressives misunderstanding non-Western cultures and painting them with one brush. Something that frequently goes unmentioned is that a lot of multigenerational households/communities are dependent on unpaid female labor that takes a major toll on the women in the family. Yes, taking care of aging relatives sounds nice...but who do you think does most of it? And like was mentioned in the video, some families have very toxic and codependent personalities where the healthiest option is to leave the situation altogether.
Also, I would argue that most Asian, particularly South Asian communities, aren't "collectivist". They are still based on social class divisions, hierarchies, and strict gender roles. In the country my parents are from, many middle class multigenerational households use live-in servants and maids to take care of its members. This means the privilege of living in multigenerational households itself is limited to a few, since the working class people have to leave their own families to earn a living. It's interesting how Western progressives are all for women and workers rights until those people are nonwhite.
It annoys me to no end when people do this, especially because…not eveyone would want to live in a MG household anyway??
I'm Indian and watched the matriarchs of my family go unrecognized for this unpaid labour that supports and uplifts our extended and close family for years. Recognizing that is so important. Cohabitation is a fantastic idea that I would love to see come into fruition, especially with an ecological focus, but it can't be done unless the community truly collaborates and is willing to grow with others to support the group's needs. There needs to be an active willingness for the average person to reprogram against systems that they've been told there is no other alternative for. It requires an altruism and faith but I am hopeful that we can get there soon.
I think this is the side effect of the " gentle savage" trope that still very much exists. This idea that non-Western cultures had it all figured out and were pure and have the answers that can heal the Western soul. So people look at the ideas and they like them, but they're not interested in the reality that might conflict with it.
I'm not sure in what sense she's using collectivist vs. individualistic, but if it is similar to cultural theory collectivist doesn't mean egalitarian, but that there is more of a sense that you're motivated by and work for the the community (even if that's only to look good to the community/save face) vs. having a focus on yourself and those immediately around you. Interestingly in cultural models, collectivist societies tend to be more hierarchical and less egalitarian than more individualistic ones, though it's hard to discuss this in a general way because different dimensions measure each of the things you brought up. It's also relative between cultures. But I've noticed when people speak about it generally they tend to use collectivist as a synonym for egalitarian or even a utopian image of communal society, not in the academic sense of culture theory. Or fall into the whole romanticization trope-y aspects of looking at non-Western (and usually just American) cultures.
I think a multi-generational house sounds in theory great, in practice could be quite annoying. It seems like people are most interested in having suburban or village communities, but with people who have similar viewpoints as them. I think people are not interested in some of the less progressive ideals in suburban and rural areas, but like the concept of it. Which makes sense, we want community back but want to be selective about what community that is..
@@LeapThroughTheSky this was rlly well said!!!!
@@91Vault Not everyone necessarily wants it, but it’s so stigmatized as well. Adult kids staying at home are seen as “failure to launch.” I’m an upper middle class white woman, with a husband who works, a 14-year-old daughter, expensive as fuck hobbies, and a mother-in-law I wish so much lived here because she’s amazing. But there’s so much stigma. I don’t care if our daughter stays here forever and brings a partner in, has kids…we have the space, and can build another house in the back yard. But the stigma of it means she’s stuck already trying to figure out what she’d do when she gets older if a partner wants to leave because they’re “supposed to” when she’s not sure if she even wants to leave. The idea of leaving is, as she said, because she’s “supposed to even though she doesn’t want to.”
I was heartbroken the day my best friend told me she was moving out. We'd been living together for years (6 counting college dorms) and had a lot of shared resources between us. It had taken a lot of trust building and conflict resolution to get to that point, and I'd begun to see us as a unified household. Even our pets were closely bonded to each other. She had legitimate personal reasons for wanting to live on her own, and I've been doing the same with no issues since then. But it was jarring to realize that not everyone values the unique opportunities that come from living more communally.
I've always dreamed of living right next door to my friends, ever since I was an isolated high school student. I had a ton of friends in college and our friend group stayed close for a few years post-graduation, but gradually we've mostly grown apart. For me, close friendships have always been so rare and special that I go out of my way to prioritize them. It's always been demoralizing to realize that other people find that desire childish or unhealthy. I'm a perfectly independent adult woman, and I could be independent for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I'll be doing it happily.
I feel you on the last part. I feel like if I express to my friends my desire to live all close together, I'm going to be judged and called childish. In the last year I've been filtering out people in my life, keeping only the ones that I feel put as much effort as I do in friendships. Why is it considered so normal to put so much effort in a romantic relationship but not in a platonic one like a friendship?
can we be friends? lol
My biggest flex in life is having my parents, cousins and friends all in a 10 min bike ride radius and if the weather is nice 20 min walk max! ❤️ The other day I had a hard day and my mom said “wait I’ll be there in 10 min” BLESSED
The sad thing is that only a small portion of people now have grown up in these communal spaces, thus they don't have the skills nor the non-individualistic mindset to not move in and wreak havoc.
Having had to get restraining orders on roommates and having a few crazy neighbors before, some people are just beyond reasoning with. This is the biggest barrier other than land/housing being almost impossible to afford, just the fact that you can't trust most people to truly have the good of the community at heart rather than their own selfishness.
I'm from very rural West Virginia, and we have close knit communities in hollers because we've had to work together to survive. We once got snowed into ours and had no power for over a week. It was freezing cold, and a few people down in another holler down the road died in their homes. We all have to watch each other's backs to keep that from happening.
I graduated college almost two years ago and i remember how much it impacted me to lose that sense of community i had back at campus. I kid you not, it depressed the shit out of me. I spent I think the first year after graduation, MOURNING what i was used to.
I basically lived with my friends for five years, i Spent 24/7 with them. I studied architecture and me and my friends would spend day and night together in the school studio. Going from seeing your friends everyday, at any hour, to see them every couple of months was the saddest thing. I still miss it but i think i got used to the single individual life
just came from mina le's video on loneliness haha everyone's feeling it it seems
literally me lol
I can’t relax when there’s someone else in the house. I live by myself since I was 19. I would not move in with BF. If a bf spent too much time in my place I’d become grouchy.
I moved my mom in with me 3 years ago to care for her. It took me a long time to coexist with her (had many rows and explosive fights). I kicked her out to my brother’s a few times. The sense of peace I felt was palpable, until she’s back.
There are ppl who like to be alone. I get enough social twice a week. The rest of the time my home is my refuge.
my lifelong best friend will be moving across the country to move in with my wife and I after their brother graduates high school this summer. we've always prioritized each other and this seems like the right step for both of us to be able to support each other and be family to each other while I finish grad school and they get their undergrad degree. we're both super excited and i hope everyone else can live with people they love should they so desire to
congrats on having your best friend close to you again! i also have a long term best friend like that and its a really wonderful relationship. just so much love and care being shared!!
I literally had this conversation with my husband two days ago. We were celebrating our anniversary by going out to lunch in a nearby small town. I said that I “missed” (without having ever really experienced) village life. I’m talking about living, working, and having all of my family and friends within walking distance. Postmodern society sucks. It’s so isolating and lonely.
I absolutely love the idea of an intentional community where I still have own private space but within a building or community of like-minded people.
Idk if it’s bc I’m autistic or what, but I it would be a dream come true for me to live alone one day. I prefer being by myself 99% of the time, and when I engage with friends/family during that 1%, I /need/ my own space to rest and recover. I also have an ED (what’s up ARFID gang) which, combined with my sensory issues, makes communal eating feel like the seventh circle of Hell. On top of that, I am an admittedly shitty roommate: I struggle to communicate, clean up after myself, keep communal spaces tidy, and pay bills on time. I try my best, but I am disabled and it can’t always be helped, at least not at this stage of my life.
All of this being said, I doubt I’ll ever be able to live by myself; I likely will never be able to afford it, and even if I did miraculously fall into that kind of money, I’m discovering as I get older that I have much higher support needs than I once thought, so living alone may not be advisable for me in the first place. I am extremely fortunate that I can rely on my family to support me financially, so I hope that one day with their help I might be able to live at least quasi-alone.
I hope you one day find the ND community of your dreams! My siblings and I are all ND, with varying support needs. Part of the reason we want to start a commune is so we can each better accommodate our lives to our needs and help out in the ways that work for us. We want to create the most ND and LGBT+ friendly environment possible to raise future kids in. Having multiple adults around who all want to support each other means we’d have more money and likely more space, more division of labour which would make getting time to yourself when you need it more feasible, more choice in how you contribute to the household(s)/community, children have more emotional support, you’re surrounded by people who want to help accommodate to your needs, etc. The best part about building a commune with like minded people is you get to tailor it to suit the lifestyle needs of the people involved. Maybe one day you’ll find the right group of people that want to create something similar, a community where everyone can be accommodated to and supported.
ARFID has been a big struggle for me too. I hate food waste (and so do others) but sometimes I legit cannot eat what’s put in front of me or very much of it, and it varies often so it’s hard to plan meals around it. Takes a lot of communication and backup plans.
Do you ever go through cycles of being okay with a certain food and all of a sudden it sounds terrible?
This is interesting to me because I’m drawn to communal living in part bc of my autism/disability. I find that trying to handle all of the responsibilities alone makes me feel too overwhelmed and it’s an unattainable standard for me. My quality of life would be so much better if I felt like I could lean on community/feel connected and could share the burden of all responsibilities so it doesn’t feel as hard on me just to live.
Someone to keep me accountable and check on me and if I’ve eaten would be helpful.
People could also choose to do what works for them best as well. Like if I don’t like cleaning but can cook and someone else doesn’t like cooking but could clean, that works out perfect.
@@annabelledrake2027the problem that immediately comes to mind with this is what if you have opposing needs? Having separate accommodations for every person's needs is so expensive as is, unless you all usually stay in the low to medium support needs range I can see it getting out of hand very quickly.
@@theflyingspaget Like I said, we have different levels of need for accommodations. We’ve also all grown up together so we know how to work together to accommodate each other, and we know a lot of our needs are the same, and we can assume that not all of our life partners will need the same level of accommodation as us. Some might need more, some less. If a situation comes about where two people’s accommodations interfere with each other, then we compromise, or we prioritize whoever is struggling the most.
I have ADHD, but my brother has that plus multiple other disorders, including lack of fine control over his hands and a disorder where stress causes him to have violent self-harming ticks. In a scenario where our accommodations are interfering with each other, I would prioritize him and his accommodations because I am not going to break my skull open against my own will if I get too stressed. He might.
With times where it’s less obvious who to prioritize, we’ll just talk it through or bring in the other adults to help find a compromise that ensures everyone’s needs are cared for. It would really depend on who you’re living in a commune with, what accommodations each person needs, and how empathetic the people are.
Because it’s my siblings I’m considering this with, it makes it easier because we’re already well acquainted with each other’s needs. If other people join, it will likely be one person at a time, which will allow us to get to know them and their needs as well. Living in a commune like that would take work to keep functional, but I’d rather do that work than be living a normal life in our society and work constantly to try and live like a neurotypical person. In general, compromise is part of life. I’d rather compromise with another ND person about our accommodations while supporting each other, than have to compromise my accommodations because I’m living in a society that doesn’t believe I deserve them, yk? Humans living together will always have different needs and desires and will always need to compromise, however in our society, there’s stigma and arbitrary made up rules about what’s “normal” that prevent people from receiving the empathy, support or accommodations they need. The main difference would be living in a purposely made community of people who have all agreed to put effort into understanding, supporting, and accommodating each other.
It won’t be perfectly easy or simple, living amongst other humans with differing wants and needs never will be, but it would still be a hell of a lot more pleasant than the way the rest of western society expects you to live.
I’ve grown up poor, my first memories are being homeless, and I’ve been homeless on and off in life. My family took in people who were struggling and just needed a stable place to get their footing a lot when I was growing up. A lot of friends I had that ended up in bad situations I had come live with us. My now husband even came to live with us long before we got married because he was someone who needed a home and we offered ours. I’ve always known multiple generations to be living under the same roof. When I was homeless I got by because of lots of people letting me stay with them for small amounts of time. Some friends helped us get a place in their same apartment building and having friends across the hallway was just the best. We moved around a lot after that and still we’d always have someone down on their luck living with us for awhile. Living my life always around other people, even when I was overwhelmed and misunderstood by a lot of them, it made me happy and I didn’t feel very lonely. Now I live in a home with just my partner, father, and my kid (who is actually my little brother that I’m raising). I don’t have a good relationship with my father but it was this or the streets. All this to say despite the hardships in life, I remember a lot of them happily because of the many people that showed compassion in my moments of need. Even now I am grateful to be able to have a parent who can offer me a roof over my head, although I struggle to pay the bills, it’s still a blessing and it’s a show of compassion that reminds me people who get it get it, and when we are there for each other it makes wonderful things happen
Thank you for sharing some of your experiences ❤️ I’m glad you’re in a more stable / safe situation now!
@@tiffanyferg Hello. Are you planning on publishing a survey about the topic of public housing in the US? I'm not sure if your latest survey reflected public housing in the US. Can you please let me know if it did? Thank you.
When I was in grad school I did the duplex sharing deal (he had one unit of the duplex, I had the other) with one of my friends and it was probably the best setup possible for that time in our lives. We had shared parties, we could pop over to each others' places to play video games together, during football season we had really cool frontyard tailgates. I highly recommend it for all ages, but especially during college or young adulthood when you normally have to share walls with terrible neighbors because you need affordable housing. Plus a benefit is that it (at least in our case) helped us avoid the potential friendship fallout that happens when you have roommates since you both have your own private spaces that normally draw contention like cleaning responsibilities in a kitchen or bathroom.
Yep. For me the perfect compromise is living close enough to pop round on a whim, but separate enough that you don't tread on each other's toes. Living in the same neighbourhood or building is ideal I think. It really balances the need for companionship with the need for personal space.
I think the determinant for how successful a cohousing community is how much time people spend together, either in structured time or in bumping into each other. But regardless people will be people and drama is bound to happen - the best part of these places is getting to know your neighbors, and the worst part...getting to know your neighbors. A lot of these utopian places don't feel so utopian all of the time
They're not utopian. They're just more realistic and conducive to the natural human condition than the current idea of single family homes. There will always be drama. The question is how much and in what ways? And is some drama worth finally being in community again for all the good times that can come?
I have literally tried to do it. I have a home in a pretty village next to a desirable city and offered rooms for rent far below market value in exchange for people who want to live an eco lifestyle, share vegetarian evening meals, and get involved volunteering with the community.
I have huge numbers of people who just want cheap rent and then hide in their room, but only a handful of people who actually want to share meals and hangout to play games in the evening and to get involved in the community. Community is so important for mental health but we have been socialised to want to live completely independent lives alone and to be individualistic and not care for other people or the community. We could save money and resources by living together and sharing resources, but it will take social change for this to become normalised.
lmfao this sounds like an even more dystopian version of the world privileging extroverts and punishing introverts, not to mention the fact you are abusing this power as a landlord*. wanting personal space doesn't mean those people are individualistic and don't want community or to have that. you sound like you only want people to do things your way, and have looked for justifications that position yourself as morally superior while dismissing others' perspectives, something only capable through an utter lack of empathy. Oh, and don't get me started on how toxic it is that this is literally the real life version of people on the internet surrounding themselves in echo chambers of only people who share their opinions, beliefs, and lifestyles because they don't have the maturity to encounter others that are different from them with grace.
*Roads are made, streets are made, services are improved, electric light turns night into day, water is brought from reservoirs a hundred miles off in the mountains - all the while the landlord sits still. Every one of those improvements is affected by the labor and cost of other people and the taxpayers. To not one of these improvements does the land monopolist contribute, and yet, by every one of them the value of his land is enhanced. He renders no service to the community, he contributes nothing to the general welfare, he contributes nothing to the process from which his own enrichment is derived…The unearned increment on the land is reaped by the land monopolist in exact proportion, not to the service, but to the disservice done.
- Winston Churchill, 1909, noted millennial
I lived in a student co op once upon a time. Three houses all within one block. Each house had its own vibe. We all had our own beds but otherwise, you could freely bounce between the houses. At one point I had 36 house mates. Sure, it had its issues but it was genuinely my favorite housing situation
America is completely unique in its land situation though. It's wild to me that even sharing a yard is commitment lol i mean in Europe it's the norm that if you own a property that's anywhere but in the countryside, you're gonna have neighbours, the question is only whether you get to share only one wall or both sides. So if you know you're gonna be right up against someone's windows, it'd be much more fun if they were your friends. It's not a dream that comes true often, though, because of practical reasons. On the other hand, if you have to drive to your friends/relatives a couple of hours, you'd never say they live nearby - and you don't really visit often.
It’s not just America, in Canada, NZ, Australia etc., it’s weird to share lawn space and (at least in NZ) apartments are rarer. That said, flatting is common.
I was thinking something similar. Here in the UK it seems to be frowned upon to live with family (parents/siblings) after the age of 30. You should be loving with your partner and children. If, God forbid, you are single, you should be living alone (prohibitively expensive) and doing everything in your power not to be single.
kibbutzim are a social community form of housing that works really well! there are small individual houses all within working distance of each other, there is a shared dining hall and kitchen where everyone eats at least one meal together, everyone works in one of the communities workspaces - fishing, chickens, cows, crops, etc. there’s communal childcare.
I live in a city in Germany where renting an apartment is the default situation. 15 years ago my husband and I together with a group of friends bought a large house and every family owns a condo. We wanted to be able to create a home according to our individual needs and preferences, for example, we wanted to be able to choose our own bathroom tiles etc. Now we have been living together for many years, every family has their own condo but we share the garden space and often help each other with everyday tasks. When I broke a leg shortly after my husband and I separated, my neighbours helped me with shopping and cleaning. For me, this situation is ideal. We all have our separate apartments but can share our lives when we want to. Sometimes we share a meal or sit together to watch the sunset in summer, but nobody has to take part if they don’t want to. It’s lovely…
I live on an intentional community in Australia, and it changed my life. Two years ago my independent house was destroyed after a climate disaster and I was the poorest I’d ever been, already being someone who had faced the rental crisis we all see. I pay a very small kitty that covers access to the dry goods and water that we have here (ie rice , pasta, etc) and then I do about 6 hours of work each week. On Fridays and Saturdays , we communally work in different spaces ie the garden. As we speak I’m actually making pesto for everyone as part of my 6 hours. I’m autistic, so I thought this arrangement would mot work for me being around so many people but the structure and routine it offers me has saved my life. We milk our own cows, make our own cheese, share communal dinners 2x a week, we use natural and recycled materials to build our homes. The community has been alive for 50 years and we have an amazing communication structure. There’s obviously issues, especially when there are so many passionate people in one spot - but nothing has ever lasted longer than a couple debates. What I love about working here is the diversity of people. We have a German/Sri Lankan family who are chefs, we have a Japanese man who is really good at making feta, we have a neurologist, a doctor, an environmental engineer, a masseus, electrician, bioscientist. It means that our lives strongly depend on one another without being too overly involved in each others lives. I could talk about it forever!! But my Ted talk paragraph lol is enough !!
Wow! Fun read! How'd you find them?
@@darthbigboy7978 There’s a particular density of them where I live in rural Australia. In the 70’s, many people from diverse backgrounds moved here and lots of these same people had a strong focus on environmental protection. Lots of people were rejecting the city life and decided to build intentional communities. I met people from the community I now live on at a time where my mental and spiritual health was really down. They kindly offered me to come and garden with them every week as a healthy hobby for my brain, and a way of building connections with people (something I was really craving) . After about a year, I decided I wanted to ask to live there. And now I do! I love this spot, because it has such a rich history and such an important connection to nature. Members of this community were protestors who were a part of the first successful anti logging campaign in Australia, for a waterfall down the road. Now it’s a protected national park!
This reminds me of the closest I got to this in a normal apartment complex. My neighbour who spoke very little english wrote me a note one day and I decided to write one back. We started writing to each other regularly until she cooked for me and I made her something right back. I helped her find a job or helped her translate things if she needed me too. And she made some just absolutely amazing food. I still think about her sometimes and I want to do that with my other neughbours now. Im disabled so I fear physically I cant do as much as I used to but aid love to translate and cook and write with these people around me. I want to know them and I want them to know me. Its a very gentle, novel idea.
I'd love to live with a friend and buy a house with them... But the problem is all my friends have significant others/will inherit their parents' homes/will live in their partner's house/have children or already are living with their family members.
you and mina lee both releasing videos on the loneliness epidemic within hours of each other is queen shit!!! both tackling from different aspects too, great minds i swear
Last year, my partner and I had to move out of our flat in a city, and as we're both freelancer we could work from anywhere. My grandparents offered their small flat on top of their house (with its own bathroom, bedroom and tiny kitchen). It was supposed to be temporary but we are now considering staying until we can afford to buy a place or want to live somewhere else. We got close to a few families in the neighbourhood, we babysitt their kids for free and they invite us to casual lunches and dinners. My grandparents are still healthy but in their 80s and they appreciate having us close everyday, even if we don't chat 24/7. We have our seperate routines but share the washing machine, we help them with fixing things around and learn so much. I never though this could be a possibility but I'm so glad this is happening!
The idea of “mom communes” reminds me of a show my mom used to watch called Kate and Ally which was about these two friends who became single moms so they decided to move in with each other and raise their kids together just them and they also had to deal with the stigma of being two single moms living without husbands and this was in the 80s
Ugh this whole intro is so relatable. I've had dreams of communal living with friends since like 6th grade 😭
In my experience, it's been terrible. I lived in one of these communal homes over the summer and it was a breeding ground for the strangest lot of people you could imagine. Not to mention dirty. I think that these in theory work best when there's a central interest that links the residents as well as an ACTUAL well functioning home and not just an excuse to have people living in terrible conditions with nasty communal spaces.
This is one of my main issues with my experiences living with roommates - it's so dirty. I think it's fine to have an arrangement where you have proximity to a social circle while having your own living space.
That's so funny because I don't clean as much as I should but if I was responsible to a community (on Tuesdays we sweep, on Wednesdays we mop...) I feel like I'd do much better
This is SO interesting to me as an autistic person. On one hand, I would love to feel safe around, and connected to, my neighbours. On the other hand, I'm still working through so much social trauma, and it's incredibly draining to take those initial social steps. Plus, I'm on a disability pension, so I basically could never afford to buy. But it's much to consider and think on, no final thoughts yet. And on other note, this is so similar in Australia, there is a similar ideal of being completely self-sufficient, and it's really only queer communities, immigrants, and First Nations folks who challenge this ideal. Another fabulous video, thank you for your work!
I still live with my mom (i'm 25) and it's stressful af. But lately she's been more understanding and we balance when i can be alone and just...be by myself. So it's been great. I personally prefer being alone (i'm very introverted and a homebody). Living with others has always stressed me out and I like things done a certain way. My dog is the only company i like 24/7 lol. But i understand why people love having someone around a lot.
Having lived in intentional communities before, I can tell you that was probably the most rewarding and challenging thing I’ve ever done. Rewarding because the relationships you make are the most fulfilling and meaningful of your life, but challenging because dealing with conflict is not easy, and for me personally I go through stages of not wanting to talk to anyone. You get many kinds of intentional communities, some are very culty, some are based in some kind of belief system, others are just farms. It’s super important to have everyone communicate effectively so you know how to deal with inevitable conflict, and that everyone is on the same page. I want to join one again because I’m certain that they are the answer to almost all of society’s problems.
I lived on a rural commune for two years in the early 90's. It was so nice to have people to hang out with whenever you wanted and by sharing resources it was ridiculously cheap. I would absolutely do it again.
I worked as a raft guide where we all lived in our own little tiny shacks on a mountain. I loved having coffee in the morning with my friends, cooking dinner together, bonfires, and always being with people down to go on an adventure. It was amazing. Regular life does not even compare
I feel like I’m the only person who likes being lonely. I never want to deal with people. Ever. I love being alone and would never give it up for anything.
As an autistic introvert big same. It’s way too exhausting and triggering to be around people majority of the time especially living with other people.
Being alone and being lonely are different. You can be alone without being lonely, but you can also be in the middle of a big group and be lonely.
@@thalmorbiznitch4028 yeah I’m also autistic. I used to get really upset about being lonely, but know I realized how freeing it is and how much more I enjoy life.
I love being alone but I am not lonely.
Crazy that this dropped within hours of the Mina Le video about third spaces, this really is on peoples minds right now
Ok
@@alexandria65 I just think it’s interesting! I feel like this is really becoming a prominent issue lately, I like seeing everyone’s views on it
Creators sometimes collaborate to drop similarly themed videos around the same time.
The unfortunate thing is that it's probably just going to trend for a few months and disappear into the background before anything meaningful can be organized or done. Same as every other social movement these days, both those justified and not.
@@Ithirahad If you dont want it to just be a trend then use this opportunity to get people informed/interested, now is probably the best time to share and discuss it while people are talking about it
What a luxury, to live alone in the first place, and then (i mean, live alone in the first place) get tired of it and embrace the coliving our generation gets shoved down our throats because of the dillusional housing market
I'm in my 40s, married and (TG) bought a house at the right time in the market. I was able to afford a 1 bedroom apartment and live alone in my 20s. If I wasn't married with a home I wouldn't be able to afford a 1 bedroom apartment or a studio in a "safe" neighborhood and live alone in my 40s. Looking up my very first apartment and seeing it go from $600 to nearly $2000 with hardly any upgrades is INSANE.
@@sasamafrassno dice thing as “I bought at the perfect time”. You have money and that’s it. It’s demeaning to think everybody can access housing just if they wait for “the perfect time”.
@@robertocastaneda8782 but they literally did...Housing in most place was more affordable 20 years ago. Literally if I was born just 10 years earlier I would actually be able to qualify for house prices back then with my current salary. I can't now cause houses are 5-6x the average salary vrs 2-3x just 10-20 years ago. Depending where you live of course
@@robertocastaneda8782they didn't say that though
@@robertocastaneda8782 maybe it was a perfect time for them?? get your money up
My partner and I started co-living with my sister and her husband and baby. It’s given us the flexibility where I can afford to stay home with my newborn and I’ve been helping with my nephew throughout my pregnancy. My sister’s expecting again and now she’ll be able to take time off of work when she’s pregnant bc there’s so many incomes coming in to the household. We’re all less lonely and we’re all extremely happy living together 🥰 my partner and I have the freedom to finish our educations to have a better life for our baby and my sister has all the help she needs establishing her family too. It’s wonderful! I feel very lucky to be apart of a household like this.
I think it just depends on the person, watching this video i just couldn't relate at all. My favorite thing is getting home after work and being alone. I hate the thought of being close enough to family that they can just pop in when they want to. I lived at home until i was 30 and 3 years later i still relish in having my own space and quiet 😂
This sounds good in theory but would definitely pose challenges. People change, friendships struggle & end, families expand & contract, finances change, etc. I've lived alone, lived with roommates, shared a house etc & what I've come to realize is the importance of flexibility, the ability to go with life's ebbs & flows, to never attach to one way of doing things 😌
I recently spent about a week at a Buddhist Monastery in Northern California. The Monastery was pretty much a communal living environment. Everything was shared, and it was so easy to connect with others that were staying there. While I was there, I realized that on a fundamental level, this is how humans were SUPPOSED to live. In communal environments where tasks are shared, meals are cooked + enjoyed together, and connections are easy to find. Really glad you are touching on this topic.
I really appreciate your nuanced take on this subject. I will say, as someone who went from living with my huge family to always living with many roommates, I crave being alone. I can't wait to move out with just my partner. Boundaries and stated rules are intensely important when living with many people because otherwise you end up like me doing all the chores and cooking and if I go away for any period of time the house gets trashed. It's a nice idea but it really needs organization and accountability.
Thanks for the shout out.
It's time to fix a broken "system". We're still approaching housing like it's 1935. Appreciate your work on mapping out options, and the thought/effort you put into this clip.
i live with roommates (20s and 30s) and i love it. we're friendly but none of us are bffs, so we'll do things together every now and again (like see a movie or host thanksgiving) but there's no expectation of spending a bunch of time together and we mostly do our own thing. we also have a built-in soft social support if we need help with an errand, need someone to watch a pet, etc. i think the important things that make it work are we're all pretty tidy (some more than others but none of us are slobs), we all have our own bathrooms, and none of us are the type to have people over every day. we split a really large house so we get the benefit of a big back yard, nice neighborhood, large communal spaces, etc. but we pay less than half what we'd pay for a 1 bedroom apartment in our city (and that's just rent, we save big on split utilities and sharing streaming services as well). it's a pretty ideal arrangement and i wish it were less looked down on, and i wish people were more socialized as kids to *be* good housemates/roommates. this is a great way to densify R1-zoned suburbs and get a lot of cool benefits for a great price.
In the Middle East, my whole family lives in one apartment complex. My grandparents rent out all the apartments to their children and their friends. The “go upstairs, see what my aunt is making for dinner” or “go on a walk or have tea with a friend or family member” is a reality, but you have to move outside of the United States to live that type of lifestyle because it’s a “me mentality” in the west versus family-based “we mentality” cultures and countries.
I guess you are not interested in having a private life. That arengement sounds like hell, me (an argentinian) lived with my parents many years and it was the worst, fortunately i moved to a bigger city where i can do whatever i want
@@damianalejandro6959 I mean, I feel like it's the best for people who crave a community and like family around them, but if you don't like to be surrounded by family, I can see why that can be a bad living situation.
This is how my extended family lives, too! I love it. You get your own space when needed, but it's not isolating, and you can pop over to someone else's apartment whenever you're bored.
@@360shadowmoon someone popping over at random sounds awful to me lol
Family based lifestyle unless you are a women, in which case you just get fucked
Great system
thanks for including disabled people in this topic! i’m about to turn 18 and have a couple of chronic illnesses that greatly impact my life and make me housebound and/or bedbound. i’m never going to be able to live outside of my parents home without a live-in caregiver/partner/friend. my parents want me to be able to have some kind of independence and privacy though, so we are in the process of making a small apartment inside of the house, a full kitchen and everything, with the option of adding a separate entrance sometime in the future. it’s great since i don’t feel safe living alone or out in a tiny house in the yard, yet can have privacy and get back my ability to do tasks on my own like laundry and cooking without having to walk more than 10 feet.
When my Grandfather died (we live in the American South), all of their neighbors brought food. They brought so much food, we didn't know what to do with it. They told stories too. Their stories were a real art. I remember thinking that I will probably never have that, now that that generation is gone.
That being said, I don't think communal living is the answer either. Most Co-ops fail. Communities need to form naturally.
I love the southern tradition of making meals when folks die. I offer to clean folks homes or bathrooms when that happens too.
i had to move cross state back in with my (toxic) family for school (financial reasons) and left my only brother and all
my friends behind. ive been seriously considering moving back and just figuring out everything else because i went from living with my best friend and in a major city to small christian town USA... it's so isolating and the community hasn't been receptive. id rather be broke and happy than broke and miserable
Probably worth moving back. Stress and anxiety from living with toxic people will probably cost you more money in the long run anyway. Stress has huge physical effects on the body and you'll probably get more sick and lose more money on sick days and lower productivity when you live with them.
I’ve been trying to talk my fiends into this. We all live rurally so are all pretty far apart. If we had a chunk of land together we could all have our tiny homes on it and have a big shared garden, chickens, etc. we could have dinners together in a shared area, have a play area for any kids and just support each other. but we would still have our own space. lol
after being served a section 21 (also known as a No Fault Eviction) for the london studio flat i've been living in since the pandemic having lived in an intentional community house before that, you uploaded this whilst i was walking home from a community-focused flat viewing :))
Agh sorry to hear about the eviction! But yes I hope this leads you to an even better living situation 💛💛
Kibbutz in Israel still use the communal idea. Everyone lives in the same area/on the same land and many even work on that land to raise livestock and farm and are then given a home to live in.
i'll be 24 soon and it's honestly reassuring to hear people around my age also express that they dont want to live alone. living alone is so romanticized, but i dont think i want it. i could maybe do like living "alone" by having my own half of a duplex or something, but it just seems so lonely otherwise. im a very independent, introverted person, but i also isolate myself so much already. i like being able to come home and talk to my family and not have to make dinner and clean every room and do all the chores by myself. at some point i do want to move to a situation where im either so close to friends that we see each other multiple times a week, or just literally live with people i like under the same roof. i might try to move in with my one of my sisters at some point. commitment like that is so scary though! i hope millennials and gen z can make more community-focused living the norm again
Communal living is my DREAM. My biggest goal in life. I so badly want to find friends that become my family and share our lives together. I think humans as a whole are very disconnected from what it means to be actually human. We technically have lived in "intentional communities" for hundred thousands of years (like indigenous people/hunter-gatherers). It's civilization and modern societies that have made us so individualistic, non-trusting and isolated. I wish we could go back and live in a society in which community, trust and selflessly caring for one another, are not considered mere utopian ideals but obvious and necessary facts of humans living together.
I laughed when I saw “22 friends.” I have 3. One lives 5 minutes driving distance, the other 15, and the other 45 minutes. Plus people move out a lot once they get in a couple/marriage. Nothing supports single person housing. Which is why I had to move back in with my family in my late 20s last summer after 2 years in an apartment. They raised my rent $300. Reason? Greed. I like the idea of a neighborhood that works together but not living with others like that.
I think boarding houses need to be brought back. When I was in my 20s I managed to find a boarding house because I didn’t want to rent a whole apartment by myself when I was only living in a city for a year. It was great, I rented a bedroom that had a lock on it and the living room and kitchen and bathrooms were communal. so much cheaper than having my own place, and it was nice having some social interaction in a city where I didn’t know anyone. Old-fashioned boarding houses used to have meals you could eat there also. That would have been awesome because I was spending a lot of time studying/working
These are called efficiency apartments and are EXCEEDINGLY common.
They're called homeless shelters, lmao. Living in trashy communes is a step backwards
I live in one of those, you are totally idealizing based on a positive experience
Also, you were in your twenties
These places are great when you're young, but after a few years you'd trade your firstborn for a place where you don't have to share a kitchen and living room. There's always that one roommate who just can't understand why leaving moldy dishes in the sink is problematic.
I recently moved back to my hometown after 6 years away. I'm walking distance from a proper town, friends and my parents. The difference in my mental health is night and day! I thought it would be a backwards step but once I got out of my own head and realised nobody else cared I cannot recommend moving near friends enough! Maintaining and re-kindling platonic relationships has never been easier, I have a world outside my partner and him outside me, I can pop and see my mum without feeling guilty when I want to leave after a hour or so because she can pop round later in the week too. I can see friends after work or at the weekend without worrying about the drive home or planning weeks in advance. I can go for lunchtime walks with my dad. I have so much extra time with them that one day (hopefully many, many years in the future), I will treasure the memory of. If you can swing it, highly recommend moving closer to your community ❤
I live in a co-op situation where we all live in smaller homes/tiny homes and we create weekly educational/fun events for the community. We have animals and a community garden. It really is a beautiful living situation and I can’t imagine living any other way. I’m still in my 20s and single, and I foresee raising my children in a similar situation.
I love that you address the amount of emotional work and intimacy it takes to live in a situation like this. Conflict has to be addressed, compassion is mandatory and service to your community a core value ❤️
it's crazy how individualistic the western society is. i see the huge difference btw. my origin country and the country i grew up in. so sad! humanity has always lived in community and community is what we need to truly feel happy! there are always exceptions, i know that. i'm sociologist and many, many studies have showed that people who live in community live happier and longer! 🙏🏻✨
As a psychology graduate, my interest falls in the importance of community and a sense of connection being PARAMOUNT to human mental well-being. The value of it is being completely forgotten in many western, individualistic cultures but slowly re-recognised in psychology (a very white field historically), so I am ALL IN for this stuff. Communal living, people getting back into knowing their neighbours and engaging in their physical community.. it's so SO important for our present and future wellbeing.
I was a part of an intentional coliving community called est8ofmind in Massachusetts and it was one of the best places I’ve experienced, the way they handled decision making as a group was incredible. Last I heard they’re still looking for more residents to join them at the historical manor and I can’t recommend it enough!!
I grew up in a neighbourhood where everything I needed was within a 20 minute bike ride from my house. Most friends only lived
First of all, I LOVE your channel and get a little dopamine surge every time I see a new upload :)
I have recently experienced a couple of versions of communal living; my husband, two kids, and I were in a duplex with my mother in law for 5 years and it was super helpful for both parties. As a busy couple we could ask for help with our young children when we needed it, and she could ask for help from us as well with tasks she couldn't handle (also, she staved off loneliness by hanging with her grandkids and having dinners and coffee/tea breaks with us on occasion). A year and a half ago we moved to a different state (she got married and is now happily living with her husband, so she is not alone!) and bought a house with my husband's sister and her husband; we are all named on the mortgage. It is intended to be a single family home but has a large basement space, so we have a living unit upstairs and one downstairs. We have monthly house meetings, a budget for maintenance/property taxes/etc and home improvements, we use Asana to assign to-do tasks fairly, and we get to hang out or scurry into our own spaces when we want to. It was scary at first, but it's working SO WELL. They're going to have their first child soon and we can't wait to support them, and they help us with our older kiddos and our kids get to spend time with family they would otherwise rarely see. I really hope that this is the direction we're headed in, because it has been such a blessing for us. (PS - the house across the street, our best friends in a really close-knit cul-de-sac, is a multigenerational home!)
new outro idea: and that's just the tiff of the ice-ferg
Shortly after I was born, my parents and a bunch of their friends bought houses in the same cul-de-sac. I grew up there, we had a gang of like 15 kids who played on the street unsupervised, and we did frequent sleepovers. It was a dream, and I guess for my parents too, because there was always somebody nearby who could babysit if they wanted to go out. That's my ideal. Now, I'm a TINK, and with some other friends we are planning a type of communal living when we get older, something that's very common in Mexico (where I'm from), where families usually live all together in adjacent houses in one big piece of land.
I had a family member with pass away a few years ago and they helped with a lot of the household work. When they passed, the neighborhood flocked around my family and helped us out. They watched the younger members of the family and assisted with household chores. It was nice to not feel alone at the time. Now, we have a better relationship with the neighborhood and can rely a bit more on others. The sense of community is something I hope for everyone and that we shouldn’t have to wait for a drastic life event to happen to connect with those around us.
When I moved to the countryside, I first introduced myself to my neighbors informally but it was already "too formal" in hindsight. I am a person who likes to exchange and be of service. I realized that they had all had an unpleasant remark about each other. I quickly realized that I came across as a former city girl, hippie and naive. The promises to meet or barter were just promises. I continue to give eggs or vegetables in the summer to my little neighbor. But all my efforts are one-sided.
An interesting form of communal living is the Kibbutz and Moshav in Israel. They are two forms of cooperative agriculture-based villages. They both share socialist values, but to a different degree (bordering communism, in some cases). Unfortunately there were also many problems, with the rise of capitalism and western individualism, and many Kibuzim and Moshavim ended up undergoing a privatization process.
My general issue with communal living is that the people who seem to be genuinely interested in the concept are also the people who don’t want to carry their weight of the deal. Solo living or living as a couple means I only have to take care of my bills, my messes, my home, and my family.
My friends and I talk about this all the time! Communal living is my goal in life, I want to help my friends when they’re sick, I wanna cook big meals and invite everyone over for dinner. I wanna help my friend paint their room on the weekend. I wanna share my garden with people. I also wouldn’t say no to someone who has kids living with me. If a parent is stressed out, I’ll take the kid to the park so you can sleep, I’ll go to a sports game if you’re working late. It takes a village to do everything, so let’s make the village!!
It's been half a year that I've been living in a community created in the 70s. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. I'm still exploring if that's how I want to spend my life.
Sometimes I think I'm fed up with the people around me. But then I think that I would be lost if they disappeared.
I don't know. It's a rollercoaster.
I miss being independent, but then I remember how desperately lonely I was every single day
my brain knows that we are a social species and are healthier when we have people in our lives, but also not for me at all. my ideal goal would be to live alone, my own space, no friends, no roommates, no sharing with anyone, no relying on anyone. i know it's incredibly individualistic and previledeged, but hey, i probably will never be able to afford it, so it will remain a dream of mine
Yes exactly. I really need my own personal space. Anything encroaching on that like sounds, smells, other people just makes the space feel unsafe. My dream would be to live in a lighthouse away from every one.
Nah a lot of people are like this. (and it doesn’t mean you don’t need other people) doesn’t make you “individualistic” and people shouldn’t shame others for how they like to live. It does annoy me to no end because (and somone in the comments pointed this out) they’re always going on about “oh actually other cultures have multi generational households but we don’t in the west cause capitalism”
Having your own living space honestly sounds so freeing. You get to do whatever you want whenever you want, you get the chance to decompress after the day, and if you get lonely you can always invite friends/relatives over to hang out so it's not like living alone dooms you to a life of solitude. Having my own house (or even apartment) is a dream of mine lol.
@@91Vault Totally agree. I can't think of anything worse than living with my extended family, and we get along just fine. I wonder if there's any research about whether or not people from other cultures actually enjoy the experience of multi-generational living or whether it's just something they do because it's how it's done. I am not even American and we get the same stuff said over and over, as if it's the solution.
@@WinterWind Exactly! like I'm sure some people find it an absolute nightmare (like I would)
I want to encourage people to bring a little commune into your current neighborhood! If you live in a city you likely live next to a diverse group of folks. Befriend them! Have a front yard campfire or a stoop grill out! Your neighbors might have different views but how else will their bubbles be busted without the occasional interaction with someone like you?
There's so many levels to this - Maybe go into a community compost pile or garden. Eventual goals could be investing in infrastructure together - go in on a shared solar panel unit, shared income Airbnb with your neighbors, maybe a DIY ISP?
Excellent video analysis, this is definitely a dream, thanks for having this conversation!
my dream scenario is to share a farm with my friends. everyone with their separate units, but sharing an organic garden and chickens. all our pets playing together.
I visited some of the communities shown in your video and met the author of one of the articles you referenced (M.Savard) I’m super excited to see this video and this is something I have been talking about for YEARS. Currently my friends and I are talking about starting an intentional community in LA and renting a house together. Another friend wants us to start an eco-village in our home country so I am sure my future will be in an intentional community.
So glad you made this video
My biggest gripe around communal living is the lack of resources/support/visuals for disabled people. They talk about community support and everyone in the community coming together to help people, including disabled people, but that implies the short-term disabling of one of the "community members". It does not work when you have equal expectations of everyone to maintain and upkeep the property, for instance, when you have community members who are permanently disabled.
Of course I'm sure there's people out there who would be find with having disabled people, but the lack of visual and representation of disabled people in these groups makes me think many of them would view permanently disabled people who are unable to meet even close to other people's standards would be seen as a "strain" on the community, thus leading to "limiting" the number of disabled people who would be "accepted" in these communities.
Absolutely adored this video. Cohabitating with my friends and loved ones is a long standing dream of mine and I know this is a little parasocial, but I really felt a kinship with you in this video. Hearing you talk about your desire to be near your loved ones and live in community really resonated with me and mirrors my goals and desires. :) I plan to read the articles you cited!!
I think one of the people I admire most is my eldest cousin: he's been friends with his best friend longer than I've been alive, and they've lived together as roommates for years now. They've shared an apartment (sometimes with other roommates) through thick and thin, seen his best friend through a relationship, marriage, and divorce with one of the former roommates. They own a house now, with something like four dogs and five cats, and are still platonically best friends. My cousin works from home surrounded by his clingiest dogs multiple days per week, and partakes of hobbies like woodworking, 3D-printing and resin crafts, and gardening and maintaining what I call the "hootenanny gazebo" in the backyard. He goes around his neighborhood sometimes to see what used furniture or other goods neighbors have put on the curb. The two of them have both decorated their home extensively with their respective individual and shared styles, and I want something like that for my future home- friendship, eclectic decor, silly pets. For now, I stick to decorating my room at home in my own style, happy to be in a place where I can easily go downstairs or across the hall to see my mom, my brother, or our dog and cats.
I spent about 10 years living in urban and rural intentional communities, and those were by far the happiest and most enjoyable and interesting years of my life so far. I lived in an NYC community where 75 people shared 10 adjacent houses with the option to work at one of the IC's businesses. I highly recommend live/work communities because getting to work with the people you're building a life with is an incredibly special feeling. There were a few kiddos being raised in that community, and they were the most well adjusted children I had ever met. There was a team of adults raising each child and it was obvious how dividing those duties among many adults allowed those adults to be fully present when with the children. A lot of people are afraid of living in intentional communities because they assume they'll get sick of always having to be around other people, but people who live in communes understand that privacy and alone time is even more important when sharing a life with a bunch of other people. For example people in romantic relationships always lived in separate bedrooms instead of sharing a bedroom with their partner at the ICs I've been to.
I live in a city where communal houses are popular, often they share an interest in activism together, punk houses, etc. I think most people think it's a Portland thing but many cities are like this
I feel that I am living very close to my ideal situation right now. I've always had roommates, and when I was about 30 my spouse and I were able to buy a house with the assistance of a couple of those roommates. Then one of them was able to save enough to get their own home just down the block, where they now live with some additional roommates we have also become friends with. And then we convinced another couple of friends to buy a house right across the street. Living within walking distance of a few friends has been amazing. We help each other, share tools, hang out and we also assist each other in home improvement projects because it feels more like a shared investment. I'd love for even more friends to move to our neighborhood, but it seems unlikely in the short term. Still, it's pretty great.
i remember seeing a video in college about a small community somewhere in NY (harlem? maybe?) where people that had adjoining backyards ended up with some dead space in the middle that wasn’t fenced. they made it into a community garden and ended up all sharing resources like one lawnmower, one grill, etc. My mind was fucking blown and i haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
Just after the COVID lockdowns my friend and I started doing "choredays" - where we would make a chore list and then hang out and do chores together. It was an awesome way to get to practice communal living with something who lived a bit further away. We'd hang out and have great conversations and found that doing each other's dishes was always less tedious than doing our own. Other chores were more just about body doubling - so while she did my dishes I'd do some task that I'd been putting off because having her there was motivating. Since she left town for grad school I haven't been able to get a consistent choredays going with anyone else - but - one day!
When my spouse bought the condo we both live in now six and a half years ago, I think he was much more excited and idealistic of us working with the other condo owners in making the building a great one to live in. Since then, we’ve been dealing with people who’ve sold and done drugs, stolen communal property for money, multiple wellness checks on neighbors, and the lingering problem of dealing with HOA members who are too cheap to fix or maintain anything in the building or don’t want HOA fees being risen.
If you’re looking to live the more Shared Living Lifestyle, you’re going to have put in the work of finding people who also want the same thing, being on the same page when it comes to issues, and generally dealing the with little P politics.
The politics in everyday or every week or month things tends to get tiresome after awhile and, when you’re trying to get people to agree on terms drawn up awhile ago (and haven’t been ratified in awhile), it’s like parenting adults into taking care of spaces, when that, ideally, shouldn’t have to do that extra work.
Such a lifestyle can be attainable, but you have to design for it and adapt and change rules when issues pop up.
This video does make me wish that we can sell our building to a communal co-op in our city that would use it for affordable immigrant housing…
I can't stand living with other people for many reasons, however I chose my city precisely because it's where I closest to my friends and family.
I don't feel lonely at all, but listening to you I realise it might be because I'm not the biggest fan of spontaneity. In my mind it's a plan made on the spot if it is the morning for the afternoon (super short notice for me) the previous day or a few days before. So distance is less of an issue.
I've always live in co-living places since I moved away from home and I love it. I'm now 28yrs and live with my partner and two friends (+2 dogs) in a rented house on the countryside. We have a garden, a wood workshop, a sewing workshop and chickens together. We share cooking and cleaning chores. It's lovely honestly even though some days we drive each other crazy. It takes a lot of relationship work just as with my partner but it is so worth it 😊
And about not falling into the heteronormative slump. My boyfriend and I have talked and agreed that we don't want to live just him and me because it's too boring honestly. We just fall into our same old partterns everyday and it's not as inspiring. It puts too much pressure on our relationship to be awesome and fun all the time.