Thank you so much for bringing this up. I married someone slightly shorter than me and have faced ridicule for it. I can't deny that the comments get to me sometimes, but I love my husband with all my heart. I can't tell you how blissfully happy we've been for almost a decade alhamdulillah. By contrast, a lot of my friends held out for guys with the perfect height, salary, etc. but are still looking and/or struggling in their marriage. Of course everyone has a right to their preferences, but you have to see people for who they really are. I think deep down everyone wants real intimacy and connection but sadly don't realise that these checklists are actually blocking them from what they crave. I shudder to think of what I would have missed out on had I rejected my husband because of his height.
the timing of this video is incredible subhan'Allah... I'm very early 20s watching your vids to prep for marriage in the future iA. Jazkallah khayr for the vids lama 💛keep it up
You named literally the only young celebrity couple that hadn't broken up after a few months. Truly an anomaly I'm actually really happy for them. Tom's a good guy.
It's insane how this video popped up when all the points addressed are things that are totally speaking to me...maybe the things i am not settling for aren't things that i need and maybe my fear of settling down does prevent me from giving anyone any chance..
Hi Lama, thank you all your videos have been so helpful. Let's say you hypothetically find someone who meets all your non-negotiables (loyal, honest, trustworthy, reliable, resilient, optimistic, disciplined, strong taqwa & fully practicing, gentle, kind, nonjudgmental, team-oriented/helpful/proactive, emotionally intelligent and mature, emotionally stable/ grounded, selfless/low ego) but you dont want to move forward because they don't make you laugh/ you don't enjoy your time that much you're a little bored. Is that being too picky? I just really value a strong emotional connection especially since I'm a very sensitive person :( if I had to go with my gut feeling, I know I wouldn't be happy in a marriage without that component of enjoying spending time/deep conversations/ regularly laughing.
2 thoughts on this: It really depends on the context, sometimes people are bored because they expect more, and sometimes they're comparing to unhealthy relationships where there's a "spark" all the time. (the spark I explain in my other video about chemistry) A connection comes when you want to make it work, if you see yourself as the one that makes things fun, you know you can make it fun with anyone. You bring the fun into the relationship, you don't depend on them to act a certain way for you to have fun. You could be the funny one and they could be the one that laughs at your jokes, they don't need to entertain you they're there for you to enjoy their presence. When you hang out with someone you love, you don't expect them to act a certain way, you just enjoy being around them. Healthy relationships are stable, sometimes even labeled as "boring", you genuinely love each other's company because you're open to it. Sometimes when someone is more on the avoidant side, they tend to be underwhelmed and find problems with how boring a relationship is and think it's coming from the person, 2nd thought on this: If you really don't enjoy their company and you don't like their personality, they're not your person, someone else will love them as they are.
@@lamaaboubakr29 thank you Lama. So from what I understood: as long as I enjoy their company, like their personality, feel at peace and safe, that's enough. And I can get my need for connecting through humor elsewhere if we aren't that compatible humor wise, or I can bring in the humor myself. But it might be too unrealistic to expect the other person to fulfill that very specific need on top of everything else they meet with my non negotiables?
@@lamaaboubakr29 Another off-topic question, but do you think the list of non-negotiables I listed in my original comment seem ok and not too unrealistic? Obviously not a perfect human but someone who engages in those traits 80+% of the time. Thank you so much
Speaking of perfectionism, I've always wondered why the blue wall decor is placed partly on the wall and partly on the curtains? I'm sorry I know it's really none of my business but I always mentally fix it before I watch your videos lol.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I married someone slightly shorter than me and have faced ridicule for it. I can't deny that the comments get to me sometimes, but I love my husband with all my heart. I can't tell you how blissfully happy we've been for almost a decade alhamdulillah. By contrast, a lot of my friends held out for guys with the perfect height, salary, etc. but are still looking and/or struggling in their marriage. Of course everyone has a right to their preferences, but you have to see people for who they really are. I think deep down everyone wants real intimacy and connection but sadly don't realise that these checklists are actually blocking them from what they crave. I shudder to think of what I would have missed out on had I rejected my husband because of his height.
the timing of this video is incredible subhan'Allah... I'm very early 20s watching your vids to prep for marriage in the future iA. Jazkallah khayr for the vids lama 💛keep it up
You named literally the only young celebrity couple that hadn't broken up after a few months. Truly an anomaly I'm actually really happy for them. Tom's a good guy.
It's insane how this video popped up when all the points addressed are things that are totally speaking to me...maybe the things i am not settling for aren't things that i need and maybe my fear of settling down does prevent me from giving anyone any chance..
Hi Lama, thank you all your videos have been so helpful. Let's say you hypothetically find someone who meets all your non-negotiables (loyal, honest, trustworthy, reliable, resilient, optimistic, disciplined, strong taqwa & fully practicing, gentle, kind, nonjudgmental, team-oriented/helpful/proactive, emotionally intelligent and mature, emotionally stable/ grounded, selfless/low ego) but you dont want to move forward because they don't make you laugh/ you don't enjoy your time that much you're a little bored. Is that being too picky? I just really value a strong emotional connection especially since I'm a very sensitive person :( if I had to go with my gut feeling, I know I wouldn't be happy in a marriage without that component of enjoying spending time/deep conversations/ regularly laughing.
Tell me when somejody answers please
2 thoughts on this:
It really depends on the context, sometimes people are bored because they expect more, and sometimes they're comparing to unhealthy relationships where there's a "spark" all the time. (the spark I explain in my other video about chemistry)
A connection comes when you want to make it work, if you see yourself as the one that makes things fun, you know you can make it fun with anyone. You bring the fun into the relationship, you don't depend on them to act a certain way for you to have fun. You could be the funny one and they could be the one that laughs at your jokes, they don't need to entertain you they're there for you to enjoy their presence.
When you hang out with someone you love, you don't expect them to act a certain way, you just enjoy being around them.
Healthy relationships are stable, sometimes even labeled as "boring", you genuinely love each other's company because you're open to it.
Sometimes when someone is more on the avoidant side, they tend to be underwhelmed and find problems with how boring a relationship is and think it's coming from the person,
2nd thought on this:
If you really don't enjoy their company and you don't like their personality, they're not your person, someone else will love them as they are.
@@lamaaboubakr29 thank you Lama. So from what I understood: as long as I enjoy their company, like their personality, feel at peace and safe, that's enough. And I can get my need for connecting through humor elsewhere if we aren't that compatible humor wise, or I can bring in the humor myself. But it might be too unrealistic to expect the other person to fulfill that very specific need on top of everything else they meet with my non negotiables?
@@lamaaboubakr29 Another off-topic question, but do you think the list of non-negotiables I listed in my original comment seem ok and not too unrealistic? Obviously not a perfect human but someone who engages in those traits 80+% of the time. Thank you so much
Speaking of perfectionism, I've always wondered why the blue wall decor is placed partly on the wall and partly on the curtains? I'm sorry I know it's really none of my business but I always mentally fix it before I watch your videos lol.
Alhamdulillah I come across your videos
What's your advice for someone who is both anxious and avoidant?
اَلسَلامُ عَلَيْكُم وَرَحْمَةُ اَللهِ وَبَرَكاتُهُ
لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّٰهِ ٱلْعَلِيِّ ٱلْعَظِيمِ