“Safe” means something different to every foster child, especially depending on their age and past experiences. What do you do to help your foster child feel safe?
As a kid who once was in the foster care system that has been with the actually bad/scary adults I wish I would have had you!! It would have made things soo soo much better!! So since the kids don’t really know how much you are helping them at the moment, I would just like to say thank you!! And I wish there were more like you out there! Xoxo
Maybe foster parents should be trained with these videos, and tested on it. The issue is ego & a need for control - those parents need to be weeded out. I had those parents biologically.
For me it's car doors. I left that life behind me many years ago. But the sound of a pickup truck engine and the slam of the door. Ugh. My first instinct is to run and hide.
@@lynnhathaway3755Guys I wrote a stupid question and I removed it because I thought about the answer and I think I answered my question. I removed it because I didn’t want to put you in a position where you have to think about bad stuff in order to answer it. 🙏 apologies
@@Nawaf- That's very kind of you. Thank you. But sometimes it's ok to talk about bad experiences because it gives us a chance to reaffirm that we are no longer in the situation and to see how far we have come.
OH THAT LAST PART wow wow wow, the actual vebage of that is really important to me. A lot of foster children have really bad abandonment issues and take bad attention as attention regardless . And some of my friends from the system genuinely would rather you yell at them than ignore them.. so the reassurance of like "im going away because i am angry, but i will not abandon you" is essential communication
It’s so important to role mode good emotional regulation as an adult. I wish that time-outs as punishment for children weren’t considered acceptable by so many people though, for the same abandonment reason.
@@windybeach2184 I think time outs are ok if done correctly. They could consist of the child sitting quietly in a chair in the SAME room as you, TV off. I wouldn’t make time out in an empty room a punishment for foster children or those with abandonment issues.
@@riggs20 That's what my mom does with her students. She's a preschool teacher. She removes them from the area to come sit next to her quietly for one minute per year of age. Then they talk about what the child did wrong and apologize to the other child if another child was involved.
Thank you for emphasizing walking and gently shutting doors. I came from a very abusive family and to this day, I jump when I hear a door slam, and my anxiety level goes through the roof, even when I know I'm home alone and it was just the wind. Sometimes I get scared when people laugh really loudly because I think they're screaming for a second. And stomping or running in the house terrifies me too.
I came here to say the same. My partner comes from a very heavy handed family who slam doors in a completely non-violent way, but because I had an abusive upbringing I damn near jump out of my skin everytime he walks in the house. He's the sweetest most gentle person, I've never felt more safe, but I still panic when he makes a loud noise - especially if we've 'argued' first. He's always so heartbroken whenever he realises he's scared me. He can't help it but he understands how difficult it is for me - not many people do (I get laughed at a lot for how jumpy I am!)
@@ToniSturrs I know exactly what you mean. My ex boyfriend's dad was from New York. His dad was a really great guy, but talked REALLY LOUD! He laughed when I jumped and apologized lol
I relate to a lot of this stuff, though I also suspect I have dyspraxia (I'm autistic and struggle quite a bit to control the pressure I exert on stuff), so I almost always end up slamming stuff, particularly car and fridge doors because my gentle closing never seems to seal them properly. I always feel so bad about it if I startle someone. Same with trying to do dishes quietly or get out a pot/pan quietly. Even if I'm in a really great headspace and nothing is going wrong, I still have my heart rate jump if I hear a slam or have to listen for a second to tell if someone in another room is laughing or crying. I'm pretty happy that I'm getting to a point now where it doesn't make me anxious for the rest of the day and I can calm down and forget about it, and I have utmost compassion to anyone who's struggling with this kind of stuff currently.
The walking away for a few minutes is one of the best things anyone can learn. It really stops an unnecessary rage or outburst. Not just with kids, just in general.
Yes it's powerful. AND the narrating that they're leaving (or even adding "I need to cool down" can be helpful extra info) and adding "and I'll be back" part is just as powerful so it's not interpreted as an abandonment/dismissal. I have major trauma from emotionally/physically abusive, emotionally unavailable relatives who had a frequent pattern of simply just suddenly exiting the room (or hanging up phone) silently with no explanation and to never revisit the conversation - if something overwhelmed them too much (like me crying about something such as just one example was a hard breakup, or if I cried or expressed pain about them having hurt me). So often in the moments I most needed care, compassion, to be heard, to express - they would completely shut down. When they finally VERY slowly after so many incidents of me saying how painful that was grew to at least once in awhile instead of silence use words such as, "I'm feeling very overwhelmed and my head is spinning so I need to step away but it's not your fault" it was night and day difference. Instead of just being suddenly treated as invisible with no explanation when I most needed to be seen.
I like how you talk to them when they make a wrong choice because yes you don’t want to scare them but even for kids or kid not in Forster talking is better then yelling unless it’s an emergency
i saw a video from a gentle parenting tiktoker, and she said that she asks THEM to leave the room rather than walking away so they don’t feel abandoned and aren’t in the area where the Event happened
both are fine, it depends on the child. If they do not walk away, then the issue isn’t toned down. As the adult- this is an easier decision to make to leave than for a kid who’s managing and learning emotions in health manners
I tell my kids Get away from me now They walk faster lol N I’m seeing red so I’m a little stunned It’s a very rare occurrence but it’s happened. I’m calm but always been broke so things wasted or broken are catastrophic for us that for actual families wouldn’t be (with a daddy). It’s ok to react strongly but the words and consequences need to wait a minute (or 2!) and I need to breathe deep so the words can be less angry and thought thru.
Your regular emphasis on not drinking around foster kids really means the world as advice. Being from alcoholics even just smelling alcohol on an adult would make my heart sink, I'd be certain I couldn't trust them or be safe except in mornings. And as I got older and their drinking worsened I learned not even that was true, that people can wake up still intoxicated. I still remember my preteen years having stolen a steak knife I kept hidden in the window blinds above my bed to feel safe, and pushing my mattress away from the wall to make this crevice to sleep in on the box frame to feel hidden. Just having a drink at all, and that smell, can trigger so much in a kid and lose so much of their faith in you as a safe adult in the house.
My sisters and I still talk regularly about how our different foster care placements never told us the rules ,we would be mute and go without anything to eat or drink as we didn't know we could ask for food as we had been in Orphanages ,our behaviour was noted as we were " lazy " etc we were frozen with fear incase we made the wrong mistake and sent back,which happened .If only there were people like yourself and foster careers need to watch your vids prior to fostering .Thankyou for caring
"That is not safe, I'm going to pick you up now" is something all parents should learn honestly. Adults tend to forget that just because you can overpower them, doesn't mean you should. They need body autonomy too, otherwise we end up with even more adults who don't respect personal boundaries.
I think it’s really important to always say you’re coming back. For me, I have always had anxiety I thought my family would never come back when they left me
Oh my God I played your video in my kitchen and Alexa started playing mellow folk and I think that’s what my heart needed to hear anyways so that it was like kind of a cute thing that just happened
Thank you so much for what you do for these kids. 10 1/2 years ago I was in a very bad living situation with my daughter who was 5 months old, I was also pregnant with her sister. I lived with my thier dad and his parents and they drank a lot so cps got involved and I lost my baby for 2 months until I got into a great group home. She was in foster care with an older lady named Phyllis and I only got supervised visits, once a week for those 2 months. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, especially pregnant but knowing she was with a wonderful, kind person helped a lot. She's almost 11 now, her sister almost 10 and we had a 3rd daughter who's almost 7! My daughter still has the stuffed monkey Phyllis gave her at 6 months old, his name is Bobo and she STILL sleeps with him every single night!! We need more people like you out there, not all but some of us really are good parents who are in crappy situations and just need a hand. I fought for a year and a half, one year in the group home, for my daughter, got my GED, saved up for my license and a car, we got everything for our own place then finally OUR OWN HOME TOGETHER!! Luckily I could have my kids with me in the group home but thier dad couldn't stay with us that year so it was lonely and terrifying. I can't thank my case worker Dorothy, the staff at the group home, my reunification worker and my daughters guardian ad litem (I'm sure I misspelled that lol) enough!! If you really are good and want your babies and work with cps you will regain custody!! I'm now doing a class for phlebotomy, thier dad builds houses, we have a home, 2 vehicles and everything our kids need and deserve. We never take our girls for granted, we've had to fight for them and that changes you. I'm sorry this is much longer than I expected, I haven't thought in depth about all that in a while. I just wanted to thank you and let you know what you're doing is so so so amazing and it does make a huge impact on the children and thier parents. I can't imagine how hard it is, but the reward of keeping someone's babies safe and healthy while they can't is huge. Just, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ❤️
You are an amazing woman and mother. That must have been a horrible time for you and your kiddos. You have done wonderful and thank you for sharing. Not all people caught up in the system are bad. Some, like you, are just caught up in a situation. Others, it is completely unnecessary for them to even be in this because of a mistake or someone lied or didn't understand the situation. Everyone deserves a second chance and an opportunity to change. Sending you and your family lots of love!
Yeah, my husband and I both working in special education, you’d think we would be great foster parents. But my hub is too unstable, can’t reel in his emotions and drinks too much. This vid helped me realize that my family can’t foster. 😞 He has patience, but uses it all up on the kids at his school and there is none left for home.
You might still be able to look into respite care! Then you would only have children for short periods of time (even just during the day some weekends or just for one overnight) rather than long term. It might be a way for you to still support a foster child and the community without having to commit to something for months.
I haven’t had to be in the foster care system, but have bad PTSD from childhood. (It had nothing to do with my parents!) And my family is still working/learning how to help/accommodate for it. (I may be 20 years old, but I didn’t have normal child and teen years.) So thank you so much for caring very deeply about the people that you are reaching out to help!! I can’t express it enough!! Thank you!! -Gracie
You help so many people with this content. I am not a foster parent (yet), but I am a childcare provider and this gives me wonderful insight into how to be a more gentle and welcoming person for all children to feel safe with. Thank you!
My grandpa was in over a dozen foster homes before he got adopted around age 10. He doesn't have any good stories except the calm single mm who he ate cereal with before school every day. I wish all foster children had you.
You should teach classes I grew up in foster care and 9/10 the families I was in until my very last one were very very uncomfortable 😣 my last home was amazing though the first home I was in I was 9 and terrified because I had never seen people like them I had never had to sleep away from my brother they never introduced them selfs I was a paycheck and that was it, never tried to make me feel comfortable and litterally said your just a paycheck
@@SarahDenna I see people do it all the time! I just think it’s great, the way the way she’s bringing awareness and educating people w out the kids involved.
I want to become a foster parent in the future, and watching these videos always helps me learn new things, and how I can prepare for the future. Even if I can't do foster care I will definitely use these as parenting tips because this is they type of parenting I want to use as an adult.
My nieces and nephew have been through foster care. Nieces stayed together in an extremely loving home, that STILL keeps in touch with them and regularly comes over to do their hair. My nephew who got separated, went through like 5-6 different foster families in over a year. He struggles with authority and had a hard life. I wish he had someone like you that just cared. Your videos make me so happy and hopeful
Watching your videos made me realize even more so how wrong I was raised. And why I have so much anxiety today. The videos that show how to talk to the little ones gets me chocked up. You are so safe. And now I can see ways I can do better as a parent. Thank you! Hope you see this and now it's appreciated
I appreciate the tip regarding not making sudden movements or slamming doors. Even as an adult, the trauma I experienced as a child still affects me to this day so when I hear doors slamming or someone stomping around angrily, I get so anxious or shut down emotionally. Thank you so much for being so mindful of kids and their potential trauma!
it must be so scary to be taken from your parents and put with a total stranger. it takes a big heart to love these kids. most of the time they're hurt, confused and scared. bless you for helping them
I understand your sentiment was one of kindness but ( I was a foster care child" ) And your comment "to love THESE kids"shocked and hurt, we aren't odd or different to be placed into a category of difference ,I spent my whole adult life terrified anyone would find out I was in care because society thinks we are "those" kids.We are or were just kids who's parents were lousy or sick or unavailable due to multitudes of reasons.
this is so calming to see, my mom has always told me stories about her babysitter who did foster care, she was the rudest mean woman to kids. she gave her bio son everything but the foster kids got barely shit. my mom wasnt a foster kid but was treated the same way because she wasnt the ladies bio kid.
Yeah...that's always been a problem, I would think if one had bio kids still at home and also foster kids in the same house. Sometimes I wonder if it would be fair to either sets of kids, and if there would be a problem. These tik tok videos are wonderful from this woman...God bless her.
What a disaster. Aside from being a horrible foster mother, what did she think she was teaching her bio children about compassion, acceptance, empathy, and love? That’s really sad and disgraceful.
I was in foster care from the age of 2 til three days before my 18th birthday. I was in and out of homes and even stayed with my 🤢 dad 🤢 for a whole year. That was the worst year of my life. There was only one home I stayed in where she would have adopted me but fate had other plans. Anyway after all that I've been through. I came out a decent person and now I'm finally happy. I even found my true love. He's amazing and adorable.
i’ve never been a foster child and have always lived in a safe environment without abuse, but i’m on the autism spectrum. i’m very sensitive to loud sounds and i don’t like being touched without permission. it’s wonderful that you’re doing so much to make the children comfortable in your care!! thank you!!!
As a kid who was shipped around like this, yelling is a HUGE problem for me. I live with my dad again (he wasn't the problem) and sometimes I can hear him grumbling to himself if he's had a bad day, not really even yelling just mumbling, and it sets off my PTSD so bad. Basically any "angry" noises really mess with my head. I haven't told him, it's not his fault. But yeah if you live with a kid who has PTSD, don't yell or mumble angrily.
What you do, how you take care, every detail of your work is huge and they are so broken and more than I probably could understand, this is heart breakingly precious beautiful almost like an Angel. Thank you.
I remember when we left my abusive childhood home, I just turned 16 and I wasn’t used to silence. I was used to doors smashing, things being thrown on the walls and people shouting. I was so conditioned to that, that I remember waking up in a panic because it was eerily quiet in the house and I had to remind myself that it was okay and that I was safe. I also would think I could hear my mum cry when it was silent or when I heard a noise because that is what I was used to. Just wanted to share. I’m all good now I’m 34 but you never realy forget.
This is very true, even though I wasn't in foster care when I moved out into a friend's family's house it was a whole realization for me that I'm hypervigilant of noises in the environment like stomping, things falling for being bonking the walls, doors slamming, etc and it would be triggering
sometimes i watch these and think- back when i was a kid if i got placed into a home like yours- i probably would have just cried for the first few months because my body could relax and i didn’t need to have to be on my toes 24/7 waiting for the next shout, slam, or throw. And I feel bad for a lot of the kids who probably don’t even want to leave your house. How do you deal with that? The fear and pure terror in their face as they leave, knowing their going back into the pits of hell.
I wish I had a foster parent like u the ones I had weren't very nice and got rid of all the things that ment alot to me even had to watch one be burned
THIS! We had to walk with my daughter every night, sometimes more than once…to every door to show her it was locked. Every window to pull the bandit bar in front of her. This lasted years. Now that she’s grown and out, we do via FaceTime sometimes when she’s anxious.
I've honestly considered to take the amount of parenting classes that a foster parent is ordered to in order to get licensed because both of my boys have Autism Spectrum and all three of my kids have been traumatized. In fact.... that is a goal for me. I don't think I can be a foster parent because I know that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye.
The walking gently and closing doors really got to me. You don't realize as a kid how hypervigilant you are to those sounds until you realize they are gone....
I am a mother who is also in recovery from a vicious crack and heroin addiction - thankfully I got clean and sober the day I found out I was pregnant and haven’t dealt with any relapses, so my son has never had to know or see or hear or feel any of the things I did, growing up in an addiction environment - however, because I am in the recovery community and also know many addicts who have had their kids fostered for periods of time (both short, long, and even indefinitely for some) I wonder how you feel about the parents. What are some of the most common reasons kids are removed? Do you feel judgement or anger or disgust at the parents? Do you ever wish kids wouldn’t go back to their parents in certain situations? Do you have any amazing success stories you can share for hope for some families who may need it? I’m just curious about all the things, and, as a family who, had myself and my fiancé not been able to tackle our disease, would likely have been dealing with the foster system (I am grateful to god everyday that I have been clean and sober my child’s entire life). And a note for any parents or addicts suffering: you can and will recover if you WANT it ♡ we DO recover
Wow! What an encouraging story! I pray that you continue to stay clean! Thank God you were able to break that addiction and raise your child!!!! I know that wasn’t easy! Proud of you!!!!❤
I’m not a foster parent or a parent at all but I love your videos. They are so heartfelt. I saw an actress that reminded me of you maybe it was just the character in HBO max flight attendant- Annie.. played by Zosia Mamet.❤❤❤
I was thinking about being a foster mom but my husband and I are too rowdy. Not on purpose we just both have adhd and tend to be loud or slam thing and then yell sorry because we didn’t mean to slam said door or we can get loud when we are excited about a topic. And I think I would be too emotional for them. Being someone who got taken from their parents when I was 8, to go live with my aunt who was horrible, I see how important being how she is, really is the way to make children feel safe and I wish I had someone like her growing up. I was just made to feel bad about all my insecurities and while I wouldn’t do that to anyone else I would be afraid to startle them.
This happened to anyone else 🤣🤣I was scrolling through her channel, and then when she said Alexa, play mellow folk my Alexa started playing mellow folk🤣🤣
Be careful with music; even calm music can overload some people, especially if they're already stressed about other things. This is very individual, and I'd suggest asking if they want music or not.
The alcohol thing is huge, i grew up with an alcoholic and now when people drink i either leave or disengage with them because in my head alcohol=violence
The part about being mindful of potential triggers for the child is important. When me and my brother Alan first had foster parents, he had to have an adult's hand on him and ready to immediately take him out of the car before you stopped the car, or he'd have a meltdown because our birth mom would leave us alone in the car for hours. One day our foster mom got a belt for his pants and as soon as he saw she was holding a belt, he lost it and started crying "No hit Ally, no hit Ally!" I'm 2 years younger than him so I didn't remember as much, I think my biggest thing was because I had been left out in a shed in the winter, whenever I would look out the window and see snow, I would stick myself to my foster parents like a staticy dryer sheet and keep saying "Cold! Cold!" They had to reassure me that our house had heat and take me through the house and put my hands on the wall to feel that it's warm.
If you take off a belt, do it in private and leave it in an appropriate location like in your bedroom closet. My spouse (who's a great spouse), felt uncomfortable when he got home, took off his belt and went to the washroom, leaving hia belt on the kitchen counter. When I got home after work, I walked into the kitchen, saw the belt, and my stonach immediately dropped. I stood there stunned, wondering what just happened. Nothing to do with my spouse. Unexpected 35-years-ago memories...
You're doing so much good. I'm still having issues in adult life due to my parents abuse ( some still on going) I know being placed in care would have saved me so very much suffering. I'm trying to volunteer now and help other kids not fall through the cracks like I did. But no matter what if you think a child's being abused please speak up. It could be.therr one hope! As the saying goes every child deserts parent but not all "parents" deserve children. Please remember this!
Can you do some teen fostering videos? I’m almost done with my PhD and once I settle down in my job I have lined up, I want to start fostering tweens and teens. Any advice?
Hard drinking--never. Social drinking? Yes. I and several friends grew up in teetolaler homes and didn't know the "rules." As a result some friends were very irresponsible with alcohol. I think it's important to talk with kids about alcoho, ie "I'm going to have a glass of wine tonight with dinner. That means I can't drive afterwards. It's okay to have a little bit of alcohol, but if you start drinking a lot at one whack or catch yourself drinking most nights, it's not healthy and you may be someone who doesn't need to drink at all (etc.)"
I just wanted to point out that cameras can also be a trigger. especially if they are inside. I'm wondering if there is a way to comfort someone who might be triggered by this? I was never in the foster care system, but I went thru an abusive situation where hidden cameras were used to monitor me. to this day, the mention of or sight of a security camera for inside makes my blood run cold.
I feel like I would be a very good Foster mom when I grow up cuz I can be the most gentle person in my fam I HATE yelling mostly cuz whenever someone yells at me I I just can't do anything else but cry I'm autistic and hate loud noises so I'm always quite and I always like to help people with what there going through and give advice and respect them if it hurts to much to talk about my love language is physical touch so I'm not sure if that's good or not anyways can someone tell me where you get foster kids?
Recently watched a channel they have many adopted kiddos with FASD and both parents consume large amounts of alcohol. You have some outstanding advice! Appreciate this positivity.
As a kid who once was in the foster care system that has been with the actually bad/scary adults I wish I would have had you!! It would have made things soo soo much better!! So since the kids don’t really know how much you are helping them at the moment, I would just like to say thank you!! And I wish there were more like you out there! Xoxo
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I second this!
Maybe foster parents should be trained with these videos, and tested on it. The issue is ego & a need for control - those parents need to be weeded out. I had those parents biologically.
@@TK-ij2xi Me, too. I'm older than Laura and watching these made me think -- I want her to foster ME! 😁💞
Slamming doors triggered me until I was 28. It's the little things. Dropping car keys too hard, walking too quickly in our direction, a raised hand. 💜
For me it's car doors. I left that life behind me many years ago. But the sound of a pickup truck engine and the slam of the door. Ugh. My first instinct is to run and hide.
@@lynnhathaway3755Guys I wrote a stupid question and I removed it because I thought about the answer and I think I answered my question.
I removed it because I didn’t want to put you in a position where you have to think about bad stuff in order to answer it. 🙏 apologies
Even a damn sigh triggers me I totally get you
Yeah sounds like anything with some form of aggression in it. Like walking too hard, slamming things etc…I totally feel what ur saying there.
@@Nawaf- That's very kind of you. Thank you. But sometimes it's ok to talk about bad experiences because it gives us a chance to reaffirm that we are no longer in the situation and to see how far we have come.
OH THAT LAST PART wow wow wow, the actual vebage of that is really important to me. A lot of foster children have really bad abandonment issues and take bad attention as attention regardless . And some of my friends from the system genuinely would rather you yell at them than ignore them.. so the reassurance of like "im going away because i am angry, but i will not abandon you" is essential communication
Ive seen a child go thru that
Emotionally abandoned, care neglect, chaos as the norm
It’s so important to role mode good emotional regulation as an adult.
I wish that time-outs as punishment for children weren’t considered acceptable by so many people though, for the same abandonment reason.
@@windybeach2184 I think time outs are ok if done correctly. They could consist of the child sitting quietly in a chair in the SAME room as you, TV off. I wouldn’t make time out in an empty room a punishment for foster children or those with abandonment issues.
@@riggs20 That's what my mom does with her students. She's a preschool teacher. She removes them from the area to come sit next to her quietly for one minute per year of age. Then they talk about what the child did wrong and apologize to the other child if another child was involved.
I say "I have to walk away for 1 minute because I have big feelings"
Thank you for emphasizing walking and gently shutting doors. I came from a very abusive family and to this day, I jump when I hear a door slam, and my anxiety level goes through the roof, even when I know I'm home alone and it was just the wind. Sometimes I get scared when people laugh really loudly because I think they're screaming for a second. And stomping or running in the house terrifies me too.
I came here to say the same. My partner comes from a very heavy handed family who slam doors in a completely non-violent way, but because I had an abusive upbringing I damn near jump out of my skin everytime he walks in the house. He's the sweetest most gentle person, I've never felt more safe, but I still panic when he makes a loud noise - especially if we've 'argued' first. He's always so heartbroken whenever he realises he's scared me. He can't help it but he understands how difficult it is for me - not many people do (I get laughed at a lot for how jumpy I am!)
@@ToniSturrs I know exactly what you mean. My ex boyfriend's dad was from New York. His dad was a really great guy, but talked REALLY LOUD! He laughed when I jumped and apologized lol
Omg do I feel you. Especially the part where yoi think people are screaming when they’re laughing, I get that but I think they’re crying😢
I relate to a lot of this stuff, though I also suspect I have dyspraxia (I'm autistic and struggle quite a bit to control the pressure I exert on stuff), so I almost always end up slamming stuff, particularly car and fridge doors because my gentle closing never seems to seal them properly. I always feel so bad about it if I startle someone. Same with trying to do dishes quietly or get out a pot/pan quietly. Even if I'm in a really great headspace and nothing is going wrong, I still have my heart rate jump if I hear a slam or have to listen for a second to tell if someone in another room is laughing or crying. I'm pretty happy that I'm getting to a point now where it doesn't make me anxious for the rest of the day and I can calm down and forget about it, and I have utmost compassion to anyone who's struggling with this kind of stuff currently.
The walking away for a few minutes is one of the best things anyone can learn. It really stops an unnecessary rage or outburst. Not just with kids, just in general.
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It actually does
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I try to do this but my kids follow me anyway, what should I do then 😅 I won’t even talk about the tantrums they throw while I’m driving 😭
Yes it's powerful. AND the narrating that they're leaving (or even adding "I need to cool down" can be helpful extra info) and adding "and I'll be back" part is just as powerful so it's not interpreted as an abandonment/dismissal. I have major trauma from emotionally/physically abusive, emotionally unavailable relatives who had a frequent pattern of simply just suddenly exiting the room (or hanging up phone) silently with no explanation and to never revisit the conversation - if something overwhelmed them too much (like me crying about something such as just one example was a hard breakup, or if I cried or expressed pain about them having hurt me). So often in the moments I most needed care, compassion, to be heard, to express - they would completely shut down. When they finally VERY slowly after so many incidents of me saying how painful that was grew to at least once in awhile instead of silence use words such as, "I'm feeling very overwhelmed and my head is spinning so I need to step away but it's not your fault" it was night and day difference. Instead of just being suddenly treated as invisible with no explanation when I most needed to be seen.
thank you for giving actual advice about alcohol instead of ignoring it like that horrible dougherty woman
I like how you talk to them when they make a wrong choice because yes you don’t want to scare them but even for kids or kid not in Forster talking is better then yelling unless it’s an emergency
i saw a video from a gentle parenting tiktoker, and she said that she asks THEM to leave the room rather than walking away so they don’t feel abandoned and aren’t in the area where the Event happened
both are fine, it depends on the child. If they do not walk away, then the issue isn’t toned down. As the adult- this is an easier decision to make to leave than for a kid who’s managing and learning emotions in health manners
@@pillowtalk1925 that's a good point! ty!
I tell my kids
Get away from me now
They walk faster lol
N I’m seeing red so I’m a little stunned
It’s a very rare occurrence but it’s happened. I’m calm but always been broke so things wasted or broken are catastrophic for us that for actual families wouldn’t be (with a daddy).
It’s ok to react strongly but the words and consequences need to wait a minute (or 2!) and I need to breathe deep so the words can be less angry and thought thru.
Your regular emphasis on not drinking around foster kids really means the world as advice. Being from alcoholics even just smelling alcohol on an adult would make my heart sink, I'd be certain I couldn't trust them or be safe except in mornings. And as I got older and their drinking worsened I learned not even that was true, that people can wake up still intoxicated. I still remember my preteen years having stolen a steak knife I kept hidden in the window blinds above my bed to feel safe, and pushing my mattress away from the wall to make this crevice to sleep in on the box frame to feel hidden. Just having a drink at all, and that smell, can trigger so much in a kid and lose so much of their faith in you as a safe adult in the house.
My sisters and I still talk regularly about how our different foster care placements never told us the rules ,we would be mute and go without anything to eat or drink as we didn't know we could ask for food as we had been in Orphanages ,our behaviour was noted as we were " lazy " etc we were frozen with fear incase we made the wrong mistake and sent back,which happened .If only there were people like yourself and foster careers need to watch your vids prior to fostering .Thankyou for caring
"That is not safe, I'm going to pick you up now" is something all parents should learn honestly. Adults tend to forget that just because you can overpower them, doesn't mean you should. They need body autonomy too, otherwise we end up with even more adults who don't respect personal boundaries.
I think it’s really important to always say you’re coming back. For me, I have always had anxiety I thought my family would never come back when they left me
“Alexa play mellow folk, walk quietly and don’t slam doors” heck yeah that’s already my whole vibe
Oh my God I played your video in my kitchen and Alexa started playing mellow folk and I think that’s what my heart needed to hear anyways so that it was like kind of a cute thing that just happened
Thank you so much for what you do for these kids. 10 1/2 years ago I was in a very bad living situation with my daughter who was 5 months old, I was also pregnant with her sister. I lived with my thier dad and his parents and they drank a lot so cps got involved and I lost my baby for 2 months until I got into a great group home. She was in foster care with an older lady named Phyllis and I only got supervised visits, once a week for those 2 months. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, especially pregnant but knowing she was with a wonderful, kind person helped a lot. She's almost 11 now, her sister almost 10 and we had a 3rd daughter who's almost 7! My daughter still has the stuffed monkey Phyllis gave her at 6 months old, his name is Bobo and she STILL sleeps with him every single night!! We need more people like you out there, not all but some of us really are good parents who are in crappy situations and just need a hand. I fought for a year and a half, one year in the group home, for my daughter, got my GED, saved up for my license and a car, we got everything for our own place then finally OUR OWN HOME TOGETHER!! Luckily I could have my kids with me in the group home but thier dad couldn't stay with us that year so it was lonely and terrifying. I can't thank my case worker Dorothy, the staff at the group home, my reunification worker and my daughters guardian ad litem (I'm sure I misspelled that lol) enough!! If you really are good and want your babies and work with cps you will regain custody!! I'm now doing a class for phlebotomy, thier dad builds houses, we have a home, 2 vehicles and everything our kids need and deserve. We never take our girls for granted, we've had to fight for them and that changes you. I'm sorry this is much longer than I expected, I haven't thought in depth about all that in a while. I just wanted to thank you and let you know what you're doing is so so so amazing and it does make a huge impact on the children and thier parents. I can't imagine how hard it is, but the reward of keeping someone's babies safe and healthy while they can't is huge. Just, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ❤️
You are an amazing woman and mother. That must have been a horrible time for you and your kiddos. You have done wonderful and thank you for sharing. Not all people caught up in the system are bad. Some, like you, are just caught up in a situation. Others, it is completely unnecessary for them to even be in this because of a mistake or someone lied or didn't understand the situation. Everyone deserves a second chance and an opportunity to change. Sending you and your family lots of love!
😢 GOD BLESS YOU
I hope your phlebotomy course went well and that all of you are still surviving AND thriving! ❤
Immediately looked up Mellow Folk! So perfect for playtime, nap time, crafts… anything! Thank you
Yeah, my husband and I both working in special education, you’d think we would be great foster parents. But my hub is too unstable, can’t reel in his emotions and drinks too much. This vid helped me realize that my family can’t foster. 😞
He has patience, but uses it all up on the kids at his school and there is none left for home.
You might still be able to look into respite care! Then you would only have children for short periods of time (even just during the day some weekends or just for one overnight) rather than long term. It might be a way for you to still support a foster child and the community without having to commit to something for months.
My hubby too 😮
Alot of professions are this
They require ur soul
None left for ur own spouse or kids
I’m sorry you’re in that situation at home. Hopefully you can find help for him. You might find help yourself at CODA
I haven’t had to be in the foster care system, but have bad PTSD from childhood. (It had nothing to do with my parents!) And my family is still working/learning how to help/accommodate for it. (I may be 20 years old, but I didn’t have normal child and teen years.) So thank you so much for caring very deeply about the people that you are reaching out to help!! I can’t express it enough!! Thank you!! -Gracie
This is the way to use a social platform knowledge is the key that unlocks all the doors
reparenting myself through watching you❤️❤️
You help so many people with this content. I am not a foster parent (yet), but I am a childcare provider and this gives me wonderful insight into how to be a more gentle and welcoming person for all children to feel safe with. Thank you!
My grandpa was in over a dozen foster homes before he got adopted around age 10. He doesn't have any good stories except the calm single mm who he ate cereal with before school every day. I wish all foster children had you.
You should teach classes I grew up in foster care and 9/10 the families I was in until my very last one were very very uncomfortable 😣 my last home was amazing though the first home I was in I was 9 and terrified because I had never seen people like them I had never had to sleep away from my brother they never introduced them selfs I was a paycheck and that was it, never tried to make me feel comfortable and litterally said your just a paycheck
That is SO sad!! 😢
I really appreciate your message and you not using actual children, to make your point and exploit them!
Foster parents are usually not allowed to film or take a picture of foster children and put them online. But im sure she wouldnt have regardless
@@SarahDenna I see people do it all the time! I just think it’s great, the way the way she’s bringing awareness and educating people w out the kids involved.
My Alexa is now playing Mellow Folk.
Same. I think I like it. Haha
Mine, too! 😆
Same
I started to ask Alexa to play Mellow Folk...then realized I didn't have Alexa. Lol
Downloading the app now.
Mine too 😂
If I ever had opportunity to be a foster parent I'd watch all your videos! You think of so many things I wouldn't have thought of.
I want to become a foster parent in the future, and watching these videos always helps me learn new things, and how I can prepare for the future. Even if I can't do foster care I will definitely use these as parenting tips because this is they type of parenting I want to use as an adult.
My nieces and nephew have been through foster care. Nieces stayed together in an extremely loving home, that STILL keeps in touch with them and regularly comes over to do their hair. My nephew who got separated, went through like 5-6 different foster families in over a year. He struggles with authority and had a hard life. I wish he had someone like you that just cared.
Your videos make me so happy and hopeful
Watching your videos made me realize even more so how wrong I was raised. And why I have so much anxiety today. The videos that show how to talk to the little ones gets me chocked up. You are so safe. And now I can see ways I can do better as a parent. Thank you! Hope you see this and now it's appreciated
I appreciate the tip regarding not making sudden movements or slamming doors. Even as an adult, the trauma I experienced as a child still affects me to this day so when I hear doors slamming or someone stomping around angrily, I get so anxious or shut down emotionally. Thank you so much for being so mindful of kids and their potential trauma!
They gave us a lot of juvenile delinquents. We had horses so each child had their own. It gave the children an outlet for their behavior.
it must be so scary to be taken from your parents and put with a total stranger. it takes a big heart to love these kids. most of the time they're hurt, confused and scared. bless you for helping them
I understand your sentiment was one of kindness but ( I was a foster care child" ) And your comment "to love THESE kids"shocked and hurt, we aren't odd or different to be placed into a category of difference ,I spent my whole adult life terrified anyone would find out I was in care because society thinks we are "those" kids.We are or were just kids who's parents were lousy or sick or unavailable due to multitudes of reasons.
this is so calming to see, my mom has always told me stories about her babysitter who did foster care, she was the rudest mean woman to kids. she gave her bio son everything but the foster kids got barely shit. my mom wasnt a foster kid but was treated the same way because she wasnt the ladies bio kid.
Yeah...that's always been a problem, I would think if one had bio kids still at home and also foster kids in the same house. Sometimes I wonder if it would be fair to either sets of kids, and if there would be a problem. These tik tok videos are wonderful from this woman...God bless her.
What a disaster. Aside from being a horrible foster mother, what did she think she was teaching her bio children about compassion, acceptance, empathy, and love? That’s really sad and disgraceful.
@@BoringTroublemaker she didn’t care lol
She was taught to be how she was n taught her bios to be same
I was in foster care from the age of 2 til three days before my 18th birthday. I was in and out of homes and even stayed with my 🤢 dad 🤢 for a whole year. That was the worst year of my life. There was only one home I stayed in where she would have adopted me but fate had other plans. Anyway after all that I've been through. I came out a decent person and now I'm finally happy. I even found my true love. He's amazing and adorable.
This makes me so grateful for my safe upbringing.
i’ve never been a foster child and have always lived in a safe environment without abuse, but i’m on the autism spectrum. i’m very sensitive to loud sounds and i don’t like being touched without permission. it’s wonderful that you’re doing so much to make the children comfortable in your care!! thank you!!!
As a kid who was shipped around like this, yelling is a HUGE problem for me. I live with my dad again (he wasn't the problem) and sometimes I can hear him grumbling to himself if he's had a bad day, not really even yelling just mumbling, and it sets off my PTSD so bad. Basically any "angry" noises really mess with my head. I haven't told him, it's not his fault. But yeah if you live with a kid who has PTSD, don't yell or mumble angrily.
Your videos help me be a better regular parent, thank you!
What you do, how you take care, every detail of your work is huge and they are so broken and more than I probably could understand, this is heart breakingly precious beautiful almost like an Angel. Thank you.
God bless you and what you're doing!
The mom from the Dougherty dozen should watch this
Why?
wait why
@@violetsienna there are plenty of videos detailing why, you just have to look for them. I think she’s well intentioned, but she’s got some issues.
Yup, I agree
Agree! She is quite literally the exact opposite of this video and it’s concerning
I remember when we left my abusive childhood home, I just turned 16 and I wasn’t used to silence. I was used to doors smashing, things being thrown on the walls and people shouting. I was so conditioned to that, that I remember waking up in a panic because it was eerily quiet in the house and I had to remind myself that it was okay and that I was safe. I also would think I could hear my mum cry when it was silent or when I heard a noise because that is what I was used to. Just wanted to share. I’m all good now I’m 34 but you never realy forget.
This is very true, even though I wasn't in foster care when I moved out into a friend's family's house it was a whole realization for me that I'm hypervigilant of noises in the environment like stomping, things falling for being bonking the walls, doors slamming, etc and it would be triggering
sometimes i watch these and think- back when i was a kid if i got placed into a home like yours- i probably would have just cried for the first few months because my body could relax and i didn’t need to have to be on my toes 24/7 waiting for the next shout, slam, or throw. And I feel bad for a lot of the kids who probably don’t even want to leave your house. How do you deal with that? The fear and pure terror in their face as they leave, knowing their going back into the pits of hell.
I've always been the opposite about footsteps. If I can't hear you coming up on me, it's going to trigger a panic attack
I wish I had a foster parent like u the ones I had weren't very nice and got rid of all the things that ment alot to me even had to watch one be burned
Wow that is terrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you! Some people are so messed up.
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you’ve found good people in your life to be the family you deserve.
Love your advice! This is way better content that the Dougherty Dozen.
THIS! We had to walk with my daughter every night, sometimes more than once…to every door to show her it was locked. Every window to pull the bandit bar in front of her. This lasted years. Now that she’s grown and out, we do via FaceTime sometimes when she’s anxious.
I've honestly considered to take the amount of parenting classes that a foster parent is ordered to in order to get licensed because both of my boys have Autism Spectrum and all three of my kids have been traumatized. In fact.... that is a goal for me. I don't think I can be a foster parent because I know that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye.
I think these are generally good advice for any parents.
It's awesome to see that you care this much. Some foster homes are just as bad as the first:(
The walking gently and closing doors really got to me. You don't realize as a kid how hypervigilant you are to those sounds until you realize they are gone....
I am a mother who is also in recovery from a vicious crack and heroin addiction - thankfully I got clean and sober the day I found out I was pregnant and haven’t dealt with any relapses, so my son has never had to know or see or hear or feel any of the things I did, growing up in an addiction environment - however, because I am in the recovery community and also know many addicts who have had their kids fostered for periods of time (both short, long, and even indefinitely for some) I wonder how you feel about the parents. What are some of the most common reasons kids are removed? Do you feel judgement or anger or disgust at the parents? Do you ever wish kids wouldn’t go back to their parents in certain situations? Do you have any amazing success stories you can share for hope for some families who may need it? I’m just curious about all the things, and, as a family who, had myself and my fiancé not been able to tackle our disease, would likely have been dealing with the foster system (I am grateful to god everyday that I have been clean and sober my child’s entire life). And a note for any parents or addicts suffering: you can and will recover if you WANT it ♡ we DO recover
Good for you for beating your addiction and coming out on top! God bless. Yes, those are excellent questions I have this video creator covers.
Wow! What an encouraging story! I pray that you continue to stay clean! Thank God you were able to break that addiction and raise your child!!!! I know that wasn’t easy! Proud of you!!!!❤
I’m not a foster parent or a parent at all but I love your videos. They are so heartfelt. I saw an actress that reminded me of you maybe it was just the character in HBO max flight attendant- Annie.. played by Zosia Mamet.❤❤❤
My Alexa literally played mellow folk thanks to you 😂
Your such a great mom so gentle and loving God has a special place for u in heaven such a 😇
I was thinking about being a foster mom but my husband and I are too rowdy. Not on purpose we just both have adhd and tend to be loud or slam thing and then yell sorry because we didn’t mean to slam said door or we can get loud when we are excited about a topic. And I think I would be too emotional for them. Being someone who got taken from their parents when I was 8, to go live with my aunt who was horrible, I see how important being how she is, really is the way to make children feel safe and I wish I had someone like her growing up. I was just made to feel bad about all my insecurities and while I wouldn’t do that to anyone else I would be afraid to startle them.
I think is even great for parenting in general 😊👍
This made me cry. My heart hurts for these poor children who did nothing wrong and now have to worry about someone coming into the house to hurt them
This happened to anyone else 🤣🤣I was scrolling through her channel, and then when she said Alexa, play mellow folk my Alexa started playing mellow folk🤣🤣
This is educational and interesting
Remember that show “touched by an angel” ? Im pretty sure she’s an angel in disguise
Whoever’s reading this, just know that God loves you!!❤
No me having an Alexa in my room and it hearing that 🤣
Be careful with music; even calm music can overload some people, especially if they're already stressed about other things. This is very individual, and I'd suggest asking if they want music or not.
The alcohol thing is huge, i grew up with an alcoholic and now when people drink i either leave or disengage with them because in my head alcohol=violence
These are really helpful thank you!!
These are great tips, thx for sharing.
These are helpful with own kids
I’m fostered and I have to lie to people that ask about my family because I love them but they can get aggressive
You mean your foster family?
Thank you.
The part about being mindful of potential triggers for the child is important. When me and my brother Alan first had foster parents, he had to have an adult's hand on him and ready to immediately take him out of the car before you stopped the car, or he'd have a meltdown because our birth mom would leave us alone in the car for hours.
One day our foster mom got a belt for his pants and as soon as he saw she was holding a belt, he lost it and started crying "No hit Ally, no hit Ally!" I'm 2 years younger than him so I didn't remember as much, I think my biggest thing was because I had been left out in a shed in the winter, whenever I would look out the window and see snow, I would stick myself to my foster parents like a staticy dryer sheet and keep saying "Cold! Cold!" They had to reassure me that our house had heat and take me through the house and put my hands on the wall to feel that it's warm.
You rock!!! ❤❤❤❤
I watched this video and my Alexa herd yo u and she played it you have good taste 😊
If you take off a belt, do it in private and leave it in an appropriate location like in your bedroom closet.
My spouse (who's a great spouse), felt uncomfortable when he got home, took off his belt and went to the washroom, leaving hia belt on the kitchen counter. When I got home after work, I walked into the kitchen, saw the belt, and my stonach immediately dropped. I stood there stunned, wondering what just happened. Nothing to do with my spouse. Unexpected 35-years-ago memories...
I used to be in the foster system myself until I got adopted, your videos are really inspiring jeep up the great work!
Thank you so much for your great tips
I'm not a foster parent but I'm stealing some of those stages to help in life
You're doing so much good. I'm still having issues in adult life due to my parents abuse ( some still on going) I know being placed in care would have saved me so very much suffering. I'm trying to volunteer now and help other kids not fall through the cracks like I did. But no matter what if you think a child's being abused please speak up. It could be.therr one hope! As the saying goes every child deserts parent but not all "parents" deserve children. Please remember this!
How do you cope with children who love your environment and ask you to be their mother?
Awwwwww❤❤❤❤ cause more often than not foster kids have been in unsafe situations from past foster homes and also struggle with abuse and trauma.
Can you do some teen fostering videos? I’m almost done with my PhD and once I settle down in my job I have lined up, I want to start fostering tweens and teens. Any advice?
I can't really tell anyone in my family my triggers because it'll just cause arguments
I’m so sorry 💖 Jesus cares for you, pray to Him and let him heal you. Try reading John in the Bible🙏🏻
Honestly i rather foster children then have my own. I know what being foster care is I have been in it.
You would be the perfect foster mom because you've been there, and know what to do. You should do it, honey.
So my alexia said sure. I like it ❤😊
No adult should be drinking alcohol in front of children anyway 🤷🏻♀️
I hate how so many adults think it's ok to be tipsy or fully drunk when they should be caring for children.
Hard drinking--never. Social drinking? Yes. I and several friends grew up in teetolaler homes and didn't know the "rules." As a result some friends were very irresponsible with alcohol. I think it's important to talk with kids about alcoho, ie "I'm going to have a glass of wine tonight with dinner. That means I can't drive afterwards. It's okay to have a little bit of alcohol, but if you start drinking a lot at one whack or catch yourself drinking most nights, it's not healthy and you may be someone who doesn't need to drink at all (etc.)"
I just wanted to point out that cameras can also be a trigger. especially if they are inside. I'm wondering if there is a way to comfort someone who might be triggered by this?
I was never in the foster care system, but I went thru an abusive situation where hidden cameras were used to monitor me. to this day, the mention of or sight of a security camera for inside makes my blood run cold.
you should have way more subscribers
I really appreciate your content. It opens my eyes to a new perspective.
Can I just say you are so amazing.
You're amazing
I feel like I would be a very good Foster mom when I grow up cuz I can be the most gentle person in my fam I HATE yelling mostly cuz whenever someone yells at me I I just can't do anything else but cry I'm autistic and hate loud noises so I'm always quite and I always like to help people with what there going through and give advice and respect them if it hurts to much to talk about my love language is physical touch so I'm not sure if that's good or not anyways can someone tell me where you get foster kids?
my alexa started playing what you said at the beginning lol 😂
bless u very sweet women
How do you deal with it if the kid your fostering has a panic attack
Alicia from daughtery dozen needs to see your videos she will learn a lot
Recently watched a channel they have many adopted kiddos with FASD and both parents consume large amounts of alcohol.
You have some outstanding advice! Appreciate this positivity.
Why arnt you more popular 😢
Yes, seeing adults drinking alcohol can be very uncomfortable for children AND adults who have been around alcoholics and abuse.