Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ธ.ค. 2010
- Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq...
First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound to abandon the narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself -- while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist.
The partner is, thus, placing herself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her because he is superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, professionally, or financially).
The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life with the narcissist is just what she deserves.
(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 2 DVDs with 12 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the...)
"fell in love with an image, not with a real person."
This is exactly what I told my ex when I broke up with him.
Narcissists hate things to go smoothly. They need to have this type of twisted relationship in order to feel content. In my experience, they have even gone out of their way to stop "smooth sailing" situations that have nothing to do with them. It seems like they are so scared of their very own selves that they have to alter reality.
So true.
Well said.
Exactly 💯
They are so envious, they cannot stand for anything to be going smoothly for anyone.
insignificant other... I couldn't of said it better
True my narcsister's husband is insignifiant i just can't beleive how much abuses a men can take from a narclandwhale
Exactly. When the victim falls in love with a narcissist, they are only falling in love with an image and a mirror image is just a cold, flat representation. Might as well fall in love with a digitally altered, air brushed poster of a celebrity. Same thing.
🤑
This is so very true. I was married to a narcissist for 24 years. A female friend who was 98 yrs old told me that it was evident to everyone except me that my husband was abusive and killing my spirit. I divorced him 2 years after she told me this. He was so charming, romantic, sweet and fun in the beginning of our marriage. All of the people at church, in the neighborhood and where he worked kept telling me that he would mature eventually and I should hang on, stick with him.
Recently I found out that a was raised by a narcissistic mother. I was "The forgotten Child". Basically I was trained to be a perfect match for the narcissist and subsequently for a lifetime of narcissistic relationships (abuse). Narcissistic relationships were the only normal I've known. Being in these kind of relations has nothing to do with masochistic or addiction behaviour, it is programmed responds.. yet, When you have the courage to take a look of your part (of the game) it is possible to heal yourself whilst being in this sort of relationships
This video has explained to me very precisely what happened in my 'Interaction'. I was the confused co dependent. I fell in love with an image, not a real person. It WAS all about self denial. Actually it was much more about self denial than it was about masochism. I wasn't trying to hurt or harm myself! In fact, I was trying to find security. I felt I gradually became soulless. But I had no friends or supporters I could turn to to help me leave.
You had no support system. I understand that too well.
"The narcissist puts his best face on and the other party is blinded by love." That WAS me. I was duped! Fooled! I was not brought up street smart so I was played by this guy, especially when, shortly into the relationship, he said he wanted to marry me. I thought "Ohhh, how sweet! He loves me so much! NOT. I didn't realize then what a big red flag that was because I had never been around anyone like this before!. I couldn't tell this person was a NUT. Thankfully, I am free of him!
I considered myself very confident independent intelligent and secure and owned my own home. My Narc came on with a huge sense of confidence and intelligence and played a huge game of competition; always one upping me along with cruel emotional abuse. He loved the challenge.
This is my wife! She's so good at it, I'm actually starting to believe that I am a NARC
Therapy helped me see that my mother was also a narcissist and that's why my husband's awful behavior seemed normal. When she came to live with us, I was able to compare their behaviors and found they were identical. BIG wake up call!
I would say that having a narcissistic mother teaches and trains the partner (woman) to 'suspend her individuality' through making her doubt her feelings, thoughts, wisdom, views, caution, discretion, prudence, and analyses from the very beginning. Thus being stuck in a narcissistic relationship should not be viewed as some sort of masochistic trait, involving self hatred, rather a further continuation of previous abuse. Thus being in the relationship is being trapped in some sort of blindness as opposed to a masochist, who wants to be harmed.
Yes I think that having a narcissistic mother I think in my case she's borderline so it's very confusing cuz there's times when she's very loving and so it it's much more confusing I think than just a straight up like over narcissist or something cuz then you know what you're getting but I think when you have a core sense of identity and as a child I was extremely intuitive bordering on what people would consider psychic and from years of gaslighting it erodes yourself esteem it makes you question your sanity all kinds of symptoms will erupt from being gaslighted your whole life by the people that are supposed to love you the most and narcissistic parents are big gas lighters so it's very detrimental to the child it makes you question your own abilities and even things are good at it's never good enough no matter what your successes are minimized and your failures are maximized
these people are psychic vampires. they suck the very energy from you to continue their abuse, while your self esteem takes a nose dive. I realize now that I have been surrounded by them since my abusive father. I almost didn't make it out of an 18 year marriage. never said he was sorry. you have helped me to see that I was only an object to him. he was so sadistic. thank God and Greyhound he's gone!!!!!!!!
My mom has been married to her narcissist for close to 50 years now. She’s lost everything because of him, including myself and her grandchildren but she will never stop clinging to him. He is the center of her universe.
WOW! This video completely illustrates the way my 24 year marriage played out from the way it began until, realizing how sick it was making me, I ended it 24 years later. My ex husband had me believing he was perfect for the first 5 years of our marriage. He had many very strong narcissist facets, not a full narcissist, just enough of a narcissist to make me comply with his wishes and lose myself, forget who I ever was or anything I ever wanted from life.
Brenda B so sad all the narcs do the same. They suck! all energy out of us. They kill our souls. I hoped people can change but I begin to give up. Healing myself, get back to the person I was. This is my goal now. Hope you are doing the same. So sad! Really spot on this video.
I believe the suspension of her individuality is the core of her involvement with the narcissist, rather than any sort of masochism. The suspension of her individuality may not have come about through relationship with the narcissist as you say, but through having a narcissistic parent. Thus there is no true masochism involved.
Although the relationship with the narcissist does create further suspension of individuality.
my parents had this exact relationship going on and I cannot stress how accurately you described it. It caused so much confusion, and pain. Thank you so much for posting, I really appreciate it and enjoy your videos
My husband just left me. And I have been trying to figure my life and not remembering who I am or was. I’m walking in slow motion . I miss him some days which is the crazy part. I have to write down anything he did that comes to mind to remember why i should get out.
One year ago I left my narcissist husband after a 30 year relationship. I was 15 when we started dating and Sam's description of a co-dependent, inverted narcissist is right on the mark. Over time I grew up, got better, and came to see my husband for what he was, but it wasn't easy. I finally was able to leave due to several factors, among them the realization that he loved his false self more than he loved me. After that, leaving wasn't very hard at all.
Im sorry to say that I understood everything you said (except for a few terms) because I have been exactly there!
Now I know the reasons I felt so stuck in the relationship and why I found it impossible to let go of him. A lot of it is very eye-opening but it is spot-on.
And now I know what I need to change in myself to prevent all of this from happening again.
One criticism that I do have is your assumption that the partner is aware of her role and her part and that she continues in the relationship out of her masochistic needs. But I would argue that she continues in the relationship out of the double edged sword of both ignorance and lack of outside supporters and help (isolation) and shame. Many young girls are taught to be self-denying and they are taught that men are superior to women. This is a normal teaching of society. Additionally many children are taught by their parents that it is selfish to have needs. Christianity teaches that it is more moral and good of you to give to someone than it is to receive. Young girls are taught to rely on men to make decisions for them. In many ways, the partner remains blind in the narcissistic/masochistic relationship because the treatment by the narcissist is kind of what she was taught was normal from the beginning. Thus it is not some "streak of masochism that she has", but rather the original teachings to her from her society, community, and parents that have now come full circle.
What are you talking about? If anything men are taught to give it up. To women. It's not 1920. And you're kind of splitting hairs when you say it's not masochism,but programming. They're not exclusive.
YES.100%
Julie Meibaum there's comes a time when that side of our minds & our souls awakens to the fact that love isn't suppose to hurt & that leaving is always an option & if you stay in a relationship like that then yes, you are staying because you've become a masochist to the abuse... Don't sugarcoat it. It is what it is!
I am a survivor of childhood abuse, this was used against me.
I stayed married for 42 yrs tho I wanted to leave after 20 yrs. There were children and a new business. He was a philanderer the first 20 yrs but when we started to make a lot of money..and he became inportant, he only wanted sex ( demanded it). I learned to say no, knowing he would leave me. He did me a favor.
I finally woke up & he stopped getting his supply & left
In my case, it was my father who was the insignificant other. He was an inverted narcissist. The payoff for him was that he could remain the puer eternus, clueless and uninterested in the running of the household, the finances, and the children. Helpless and demanding like a baby, and then cruel, sarcastic, distant, punitive, and cynical. I do not miss him. that makes me sad.
My ex wife lied about almost everything before we married .After a few years she started letting things slip and detached herself...Affairs then started and that was that.
Believe me Women can be Narcissist also!
Amen to that.
Married one who lied about almost everything.
After 8 years was told via text she was abused as a child.
21 years later am told she is still in love.with an ex boyfriend. Same night as she was going to bed said she was raped week before we started dating.
Rolled over and went to sleep.
Never experienced a monster like her.
i spent nearly 3 years with a psychopath (essentially the same as a N) watching this video is very scary indeed. it is incredibly accurate for me, although i guess that every victim male or female will have different levels. mine was so bad it was nearly the death of me- literally. i couldnt live without him. if you recognise any of this PLEASE listen and get as far away as you can for your sanity. at the back of my mind i knew,i just didnt want to listen to myself or others dont be like me. RUN
You are very right. It is too easy for people to see the wrong in others rather than in themselves. It is worrying that partners quickly start making value judgement. One has to also look at one's own behaviour and impact this makes on partners and reactions. Living together requires both ways give and take.
Mmm ...can see that I've been a co-dependent with a masochistic streak all of these years ... I was easy pickings for him. I'm on the better side of things now that some distance has been established and the anti-depressants have kicked in. The split came when I began to defend myself, expect better treatment and expressed this to him. No wonder things evolved the way they did.
Wow. It is a scary thing to face such truth and realize that I must get whatever help I need to have more healthy self assessment. it is sad to love someone who is a narcissist and when it's been for decades, you get pretty screwed up and your ability to reject that person wanes.
omg! I could feel myself begin to be drawn back into the memories of a past relationship just like this. It was like one of those cartoon haunted houses where you walk in the hall of mirrors.
For my sanity I abandoned my son's N father 33 years ago when I was 3 months pregnant with our son because he tried to kill me (thus his unborn child). He went on to lure another into his lair and became a multi millionaire. He still views me as 'the perfect one that got away'...totally HIS delusion..I would rather cut my head off than be with him because I REMEMBER..he does not..our son is a N too unfortunately..raising him was beyond words..My advice to all singles: RUN FROM N'S!!! FAST!!
Um you raised your son to be a narrcicist.
Thankyou, you are describing me. My narcissist ex husband is in prison for sexual abuse on his own children. He made my life a living hell. I have been through the smear campaign too. I sent him divorce papers recently, just want him to sign them, so this hell can be finished.
@tgillihan - Thank you for posting. You are giving people hope who believe 'it's too late' or "I'm too invested / embedded."
Congratulations! My ex always tried to make me out to be The Messed Up One in our relationship, especially if I ever opened up about my upbringing. They ONLY use that kind of information as ammunition. There is NO WAY to truly get emotionally intimate with a narcissist. There's nothing 'there' to get close to.
you are always spot on. my daughter has BPD and she is with a narcissistic 22 yrs older than she is. it is a very unhealthy relationship....you help me understand..thank you Sam.
Susannalise mine is 62 years old and he’s pathetic
The state of my mind was straight up fear. It was not a stable rock I was staying with.
If I understand your words, My submission has fed his grandiosity and vice versa. Which came first?
75% of all narcissists are male - not 75% of the whole population!
@@c-quintessential3648 I hear ya! My son is dating one now. I'm sending him a copy of what you wrote so he can see he's not the only one.
Hi Sam.. Incidentally, just a point to add, it has been found.. Around 75% of covid patients have been male... This can hv a link to your amazing video on covid-19 n narcissism..
When your imprisoned you have to make the best of the containment
Wow. Sam, just incredible thank you
They said, "He will mature". Work out, go to counseling, find ways to communicate with him. The fact is, I was mentally/emotionally healthy and when my counselor talked to him after 2 sessions with me, he told me that my ex husband was the one in deep need of therapy.
So, if you grow up with two narcissistic parents....you could end up with dependent personality disorder.
This is my sister in law to a 'T'. My brother was diagnosed ( in the almost usual way) as a narcissist by my psychologist last year.
Once I discovered that I was married to a N woman, and found out what N was, I see a lot of my male friends being tortured by a N. I see it more in women for more than in men. I realize that it is only my perspective. I am just learning about this.
I remember thinking my ex's wife was like a ghost, invisible, she was only noticeable in her role as a wife, nothing else. They were married for twenty years. He left and became my partner. I am so different, I have a personality, and this made things so bad.
Religious belief systems facilitate the narcissistic abuse in a marriage. I know because I was in one for 27 years. What I thought was love and a belief that you stay married and dont give up, made me stay so long. But I started to unmask him after the last 4 years, and so the marriage fell apart.
He married someone else. I guess I have asked too many questions. Also caught him in a web of lies. Looks like he is a somatic, very charming, masculine and seductive. Hard one to call.
thank you for sharing, this is good helping those of us understand why we have been in relationships with these kind of people. I like how you don't just focus on the narcissist psychology but also those who are involved with them.
I'm not like most people that kiss ass and provide loving adoration to another based solely on intellectual and/or business acumen. I'm not belittling such accomplishments either, especially if for the good of humanity, they are surely worthy of praise. However, for me to adore someone and fully love them they must be kind and good. The cycles of valuation/devaluation and need of narc supply are sure to freeze my heart.
Not that I don't understand the root causes of personality disorders, I'm not without compassion in that regard, but I do value my self enough to not put up with narcissistic abuse.
A human disorder.We fell for beauty.We blind by it.We swept by their cunningness and fool by it.I have to avoid it.It already cause me pain more than joy.The joy that this man have given is full of pretend.For his own sake,no for others.My children gets the beating of pretense.One day,the truth will spills.My husband took them away from me.My mother in law warn me if I take them away,she will kill me.I take them away to be saved not to suffer.This person I just can't be with.It's tormented my soul being.They just not an understanding being.
Thank you so much for explaining this Sam, I appreciate this information so much!
Ah this is a blessing. Such a wake-up call.
excellent explanations. many thanks, sam.
Hi Sam your work is greatly appreciated and thank you for taking your time to explain Narcisism
Excellent video.
He discarded me like garbage when he realised I wasn’t going to put up with his shit. He realised this 3-4 months before our wedding and 2 months into our engagement because he groomed his new wife who he married in a heartbeat.
I hear Karen Horney. We love you, Karen.
Thanks for your reply as well!
I was stuck in a marriage to a narcissist - It was horrible but when I planned to divorce, I felt it was the wrong time since he had just lost both parents and we had four children. I did not feel I deserved this creep at all and while I was fooled and I was greatly damaged by him, its what he did to my children that makes me livid. What a complete pig. He tried to poison me twice with rat poison and then lied to me about having cancer for 7 months hoping I would die. Sick bastard.
Whoa! Glad you made it out of that one! Hope he is far away from you - - - -
Sven Brown that’s called a psychopath 😱wtf omg that’s scary and why isn’t he in prison for all this ??
I hesitate to call it a relationship, lol, so true!
End of the relationship, the Narcissist does not provide closure. So true, I had to seek help from someone who is now a friend. What was whacked out about the whole thing is that I thought I was the problem. I didn't know if it was me, or my roommate who had the problem. Thank God I found someone who helped me clarify that question, though I have moments when I still doubt myself. This goes to show how good the "head fake" was that the roommate did to me. I watch videos like this to help me clarify just who is the narc, smh... The bottom line is I did get the closure I needed and I did go no contact, just to protect myself. Thank you for your videos. The😊
Thank you much appreciated blessings Jane
i clicked the video only because I found the title ("insignificant other" lol) simply brilliant
@MyVoicenotSilenced You're sorta right about Holmes and Watson. Holmes is actually extremely benevolent in a lot of ways, though - although he's a bored, superior genius, he also has an awful lot of sympathy and pity for the hapless people he either tries to aid or avenge, and there is one story where Watson is shot, and Sherlock comletely loses all emotional control. Watson later remarks that it was the one time he got to see that Holmes had not only a great intellect but a great heart.
1000% on the money! Thank you.
Be desperate for finding righteousness in my actions without being hostile in any way to even those under me. It is a conundrum that I have yet to find the solution to. Perhaps I'm trying to elevate myself on top of others by presenting such "good will", but I don't want to perpetually be the abusive individual as described. Despite striving for being on top, and already being in many ways, I want to elevate others.
... thanks again Sam ... :)
Im just shocked how many narcissists are out there and how many people, including myself , who put up with it !!!! If there are that many dysfunctional people out there , no wonder our world is a mess 🤪......insignificant other.....that was great ...lol
Fantastic.....story of my life. This really was very accurate. Thank you for your knowledge. If you have questions for any one in this position or feel like giving away free psychiatric help I'm here. Lol
Yes, a mask of sanity.
Great upload! I enjoy that Dr. Sam Vaknin challenges established criteria of the
I fit your description of a narcissist almost to a T. But you said a narcissist is incurable. what if I don't want to be like this, what if I want to be better.
+Jai Jike Rodriguez Healing and Curing Narcissism
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Amanda sam was diagnosed with NPD he apparently demonstrates all nine traits on the DSM or whatever its called
DBT and Empathy Training but only with a therapist very experienced with NPD.
That is good to know!
I was on drugs when I married my N. He always wanted me to sober, like him.After decades I sober overnight. MIRACLE!! All I could see in his eyes were anger-not a tiny bit happy.The first 60 of sobriety I could not figure out what was wrong with him. 1000 % improvement in my life he , he but happy. I did not have a clue what really going on- Iwas drug addict; he didn't. I am not using anymore -he pissed @ everything. DON"T DO DRUGS KIDS!! I'm f #$ ked
razorback4855 yes I stopped smoking cigarettes then weed I thought this would stop his complaining but I was wrong I think he needed me to still smoke so he could have a reason to complain and feel validated
Yep. Sadly this is Myself and my Ex.
ok thanks for the reply
very true . sad but true
the dsm. Thank you
What is there to do if you are yourself a narcissist? I've seen most of your videos and they never cease to make me think what a cruel, merciless and malignant individual I can be.
I am learning so much from your vids Sam but the problem is how to get my daughter to see the Narcissist she is living with for the real person he is and understanding the problems she has and needs to look at to escape and change. My grandson is getting abused and she has been letting it happen to avoid the Narcissistic rage of her partner.
they also get jealous when you get an inheritance too my husband refused to pay for a new roof so I had to pay for it to keep the peace. He also had a two night stand in another country while I was at home with our handicapped son. he thought it was his right to do that not thinking he could have caught anything with no protection during sex. After three weeks he had to tell me what he had done because I was not well at the time.. the dr laughed at him his conscience gave him imaginery VD. He died last year and I now have peace in my life no more put downs and body language. or demands.
You can only be controlled if you have no way to escape
I experienced this also!
@razorback4855 - While you were still on drugs, he could hold himself higher than you. ONce you started getting well, that screwed up his ability to keep up appearances that you were The Screwed Up One and he was the Supportive, Long-suffering Wonderful Husband.
I believe it is not that women "like" to say that about men. The fact is, men are more often colder and more abusive to women and women speak of their emotional pain. Men just stuff it until, one day, they explode, if they don't find a constructive release for it. Ever try to get a guy to go to a counselor wit you or by himself? It's difficult.
All literature I've read, including The Institute for Relational Abuse say it is 80% men and our culture supports that. I believe it is accurate.
Totally agree.
I do not challenge them at all. They are my guidelines and i adhere to them. I merely seek to augment them with the findings of new research. See my video about the next edition of the DSM (DSM V).
i have watched your videos and i am most grateful yet why only men ...i am and have been with a wife that is a narcissists and i would like to know if it goes both ways.
+Ismael Perez Female Narcissists - Gender and the Narcissist samvak.tripod.com/faq34.html
@Sam Vaknin. Hello, where is the video/link referred to called Dance Macabre, of the Narcissist and his partner? I do not see it in the list. Thank you.
Please?
thank God for therapy! I have a Great therapist!!!
is Narcissism genetic? what is the cause, if that is possible to answer???
Mine was the type that tried to kerp me even tbough he abused me.
Julie Meibaum These are all elements of inverted narcissism: samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html
+Sam Vaknin Hello, where is the video/link referred to called Dance Macabre, of the Narcissist and his partner? I do not see it in the list. Thank you
Me too.
what happens when the female Narcissist is also psychotic and abusive with the partner? 2 psychopaths together?
@700moby Its a fact that most narcissists are male. I am actually happy sam used "her", it made it more real and tangible.
@LoserMillionaire He obviously means it can go either way. Have you ever heard someone say "See you guys later" to a group of only girls? Same concept.
Never seen the show. I don't own a TV. There are cases where women are very abusive toward men, as well. True. As long as it is in the USA, however, women are free to leave men who abuse them. Men are just as free to leave women who abuse them. Many men stay basd on the "cheaper to keep 'er" idea or a fear of being alone.
A Narcissist cannot maintain a false facade for 5 years. Could it be that you were tired of living with a person with who you couldn't give and take and only wanted what YOU wanted from life without sacrificing anything . Marriage is about give and take..
thank goddness i have a nonchalent personality that help me out alot, i really dont care what you have to say and if you are not saying anything that i want to hear than i dont hear you. grown people with temper tandrums. so just like a toddler when you finish your tamdrum, i might hear you. what i saying you cant change people but you can change yourself
rita
I can stop the video now! I've just diagnosed my ex.