Hello you savages. Get a 35% discount on all Cozy Earth products at www.cozyearth.com/modernwisdom. Here's the timestamps: 00:00 Are Dating Coaches Hard to Date? 06:13 How We Use Dating to Make Us Feel Better 10:21 Flipping Between Comforting & Inspiring Relationships 20:03 How We Condition Ourselves to Feel Love & Peace 30:01 Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Through Working Hard 36:23 Why the Internet Isn’t Talking About Love Anymore 48:28 Being Comfortable With Healthy Love 52:28 Feeling Guilty About Having Needs 1:01:37 How to Become Better at Hard Conversations 1:08:35 The Downsides of Being a Fixer 1:18:18 How to Communicate When You’re in the Wrong 1:28:07 Why Men Bottle Up Their Trauma 1:48:50 Working Hard to Rewire Your Thinking 1:55:34 Where to Find Matthew
Absolutely loved this podcast. As a mum of a 23 year old where I’m trying to have these conversations and can’t find the words, thank you for making my job easier x
Man thank you for having me. Loved this conversation. And really enjoyed reading these comments. Thank you for your kind words everyone, and for the vulnerability shared here. 🙏❤️
Thank you for the vulnerability in tough subjects, listening to this today was really powerful for me…I needed it. Your work is important and super valuable to people. Thank you Matthew 🙏 much love
It's you're 3d (or 2nd) interview here and it's still one of the tops! First, cinematic interview in the villa, I think I remember you making me cry with how much...sincere, warm and still tourmented you were : being real. Love you man, keep at it !
What an amazing discussion. Thank you for opening up in a way that most guys can't. You helped realize things that I had buried deep in myself since I was very young. It feels good to hear it from another guy.
My boyfriend listened to this and texted me “I think you should listen to this podcast, there’s lots that resonated with me”. I then listened and we had a conversation about things we haven’t before. Thankyou
That's awesome that you guys have this kind of relationship and mature capacity to communicate about meaningful things. I know women in their 40s who wouldn't engage on this level yet wonder why they're still single 🤦
I wish I heard this podcast last month. Until today she hasn't responded. My instincts says call her but I feel like she's done. The other part of me is saying let it go and heal and if they come back, they come back. If they don't, then at least you've healed.
@@JeffersonRahSometimes it's good to trust your instincts. But sometimes your instincts are wrong. Sometimes they've learned bad lessons. Best of luck!
@@JeffersonRahCame here to say this. They’ve covered so much in this video that’s shown me a different side of my own behavior. I had the impulse to send this to my ex until I remembered we’ve been separate for three months now. It hurts but it’s good to know for the next time
100% This is why I think it's so difficult to find love as a man over 30. All the women you have available to you are the ones who are addicted to the excitement of dating and not too interested in the work of building a meaningful relationship
I’m terrified to express what I need because I’m used to retaliation for it, because it was easy to pick on me growing up being a young man, how do you work through this?
Clearly I have wasted my life with no ambition, status or power. I moved to a foreign country at 23 and never grew up, just kept on feeling and experiencing new things. So why am I so content with my life as I sit here about to turn 70? Some people want to leave their mark on this world but I guess I want to leave no trace of my passing, same as I do out on the trails. Some people need to live big, but hey, it's okay to live grounded in the present and let others carry all that angst of ambition and competition.🙏
@@trappart9209 Honestly no. I have spent my life doing exactly what I want and trusting in my own choices. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone but it worked for me.
Brother, I’m with you. I’m 34. Each goal I set, the wearier I get…at some point when is enough simply enough? There’s nothing that ever made me feel more alive than being in the moment.
I’d given up on finding love for a couple years now. Nothing felt real and authentic. And to be honest, looking back I don’t believe I was ready. Fast forward to now, I randomly met my girlfriend through mutual friends, and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. In fact, I bought a ring last week and plan to propose around the end of the year!! LOVE IS OUT THERE! Don’t give up, and don’t listen to these crazy toxic people on the internet that say otherwise. Do what’s right for you. So much value from this podcast! Awesome to listen to! :)
@@brianmeen2158 if you're having small talk, you're doing it wrong. Girls hate that too. It's your job as the guy to lead the convo away from small talk and show that you're different. Granted most guys fail here at this step
The problem of choice - as long as there is another choice (even the illusion of having one) will lead people to give up more easily as there is "always somebody else, somebody without problems". We all know this is a lie but the mind falls for it nonetheless.
The anecdote about shutting yourself in your room to punish others for your own bad feelings hit me hard. I’ve been doing this my entire life. Thanks for the incredible insight. Now that I recognize it I’ll work on it
This interview with Matthew felt dif. More personal, deep, introspective in ways that meet so many of us where we are. So grateful for this pod, this one had so many nuggets of gold. Great episode.
"I am the only human I get. How could I give this human the best life possible" WOW! This conversation is one of your best so far Chris! Love you both ❤
Im 40, and when my first marriage was falling apart, I asked my grandpa how he was able to stay married to grandma so long, and his answer was problematic, but I now think is 100% true. Relationships and love are different between generations. Todays society and generations are (in my opinion) less inclined to thrive or even survive in difficult situations. My grandpa said he went through countless problems in his relationship, but him and my grandma were committed to the sanctity or marriage and the idea of love. When things get tough and you know that you can just throw in the towel, avoid pain and suffering while simultaneously engaging with someone else in a completely different relationship it doesnt inspire you to put in any real effort. People don't and are being raised to avoid discomfort, and when they face adversity, they do the easiest thing, and oftentimes, that involved leaving their partner.
The timestamps on bottling up trauma and rewiring the thinking process, were the most important lessons for me. At the end of the day, I now have the freedom of consistently checking up on myself because I love me, a human that is mine. If i practice this everyday, then i could at least carry myself through any kind of situation, hard or good times. I get to be strong all the time while also recognising, acknowledging and accepting the emotions i feel (emotional buttons) and still live. Thank you Matthew Hussey! And thank you Chris for having this podcast!
At 37:20 I felt like he was essentially describing my issue. Love, if you can find it and most won’t, is truly amazing, but dating is absolutely excruciating. Like him, I’m a very private person and deeply introverted. The idea that I’m going to have meaningful conversation with strangers or worse, open some app and click on the picture of someone I don’t know from Adam is deeply unappealing. Let’s not even talk about the flaking, ghosting, lying, and other horrible behaviors people engage in when “dating.” I got a taste of the dating world when I was much younger and knew it wasn’t for me. If we could just skip over all of the B.S. and find true love… I think many will have to make peace with living the single life like I did.
When we truly accept and own who we are, it won’t bother us as much when we open up and they say it’s not attractive. I’d tell her oh well, that’s where I am right now.
I was so stuck on her and everything felt like it was going smoothly and really well but it was going very fast. Then she said she needed to take a step back and that we were going too fast. As someone that was so attached to her and lost myself, I didn't take it very well. I've grown but unfortunately she may have moved on. Detoxing was needed.
My experience being open and vulnerable with a woman led to them putting that knowledge in their pocket to be used against me when it suited them. Of course not all women are like that, but there are plenty that are. Some will even demand to know your vulnerabilities, not to be closer or bond, but because they want that ammunition and they will emotionally blackmail you to get it.
I understand this. However, finding people who won’t use ur vulnerabilities agaisnt u is extremely important. If you can’t open up to ur partner than they aren’t the right one for you.
Same! Especially if it's something you're not proud of, perhaps something morally wrong that you did in the past. Doesn't matter how long ago it was, or how much you've grown and changed as a person. If you confess things you're not proud of, women will absolutely use it against you and most likely will use it as justification to dump you too. Sad but true
I have been blessed enough to meet and date women who were very appreciative of me showing vulnerability. In my experience, it actually increases connection. That said, it is NOT something I would show in the courting/dating portion of the relationship and it MUST be seen as a nice surprise - meaning she should already have many experiences with you being a strong person and this is rare softer side. Cry too much and you’ll get left lol
Matthew's story about his jealousy and previous relationships (when she told him it was unattractive to be vulnerable) and his current relationship (where she reassured him)......he found someone who really loves him (around 14 mins in). What a blessing. It's my experience to be told to grow up, you're being ridiculous and childish and to just get over it.
My ex would get mad at me for being loving during conflict. They couldn't comprehend that I could feel mad at them and still hold and hug them. I think they saw my vulnerability and messiness as a threat. It made things so difficult, no matter what I tired. Even asking questions for clarification triggered them to an extreme. 😢
At 7:25 he said something that might be the best thing i ever heard about relationships in general.. because, in the end, it all sums up to the 'doubt' that you admit in yourself.... "am i good for this person?", "is this person good for me?", "can i do better?", "are we compatible..", "do we have the same goals?", "what are my non negotiables and can this person fulfill those needs?".. Living on the regret that we might have lost a person (our person..) just because we didn't knew better or we didn't communicate well enough or that we thought it was the right decision at the time, but then it backfires.. could be one of the worst and most painful feelings ever..
This is exactly what I needed to hear and to see. I struggle in all of this. As a classic people pleaser since childhood due to a parent who was unpredictable, I had to take on a role. Thankfully, from working with a life coach as well as a therapist, I'm making progress to heal old wounds and am working to put myself out there again. Vulnerability was never easy for me, nor was it easy to ask for my needs. It's slowly getting better. Thank you for this.
Same here and I was seeking walls every single time when I wanted to date. Last year I met my opus magnum when I fell in love with a neuron toxin that totally demolished me and this woke me up and destroyed me at the same time. My therapy is not being involved any more...seems cheap, but it is effective.
It's such a pleasure to listen to the conversation of two self-aware people, who admit their own struggles and aim to do better. It is very inspiring and comforting in some way.
About a month ago my girl and I of 8 years separated. We just grew apart as people and it wasn’t working out. This podcast explains a lot and I’m glad I watched it!
It’s astonishing that I, as a native born black American man, have more common experience with this British public speaker than I do with my own family
Can’t we as humans finally see past our skin colour and recognise we’re all the same. As a species we’ve been on this planet for a heartbeat compared to its age. Until 1600 no one even noticed skin colour. It came in to justify the horror of slavery. Follow Martin Luther King”s edict. Judge people by their soul, not their race.
I've noticed the same situation happens in Latino American families, so many unhealthy and horrendous behaviors are normalized and when you try to be different than them, all of a sudden you are the "crazy one".
I have been steeped in self development articles, books and podcasts for over five years now. The last 15 minutes of this interview has what may be the best advice I’ve ever heard. The whole thing is great but there is so much wisdom to be found there. Thank you both for the tremendous work you are doing!
This conversation has given me so much insight. For example loving oneself as a parent loves her child as opposed to the romantic approach. This is just one light bulb moment in this inspiring conversation. I cannot wait until Matthew’s book lands in my mailbox.
I made the mistake of sharing something I was insecure about with my ex I was with for 9 years. She told me she needed me to be more vulnerable than when I was she left 😂. I then learn women do not like negative vulnerability( they don't want to see your weakness). I've opted out of romantic relationships all together. Being loved for who you really are is not a privilege men get, we are only loved for what we can provide. We have to be bulletproof and unshakable and that's not even possible, at least not for me.
Not all women, the man I loved was vulnerable with me, he cried once or twice over something and I only conforted him as I would do with any loved one of mine. I didn't left him for that reason, in fact he left me because he wanted to fuck around
Wonderful conversation! I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such an open, vulnerable conversation between two men. I bet it will help many witness two very admirable men open up and exchange like this. I haven’t watched many of Hussey’s content but I just preordered his audiobook. His perspective on love and relationships seems quite different from the (mostly female) perspectives I’m used to sharing with. Thank you, Chris, for another great interview.🙌🏽
My biggest takeaway from this: I am responsible for this human. When I frame self-love in this way, I will treat myself well so that I can thrive. Thank you ❤
Quitting an addictive behavior without doing the internal emotional work is a recipe for relapse. Using emotional work to quit an addictive behavior may actually leave us better off than when we first got into it.
I love this conversation. Many reasons, but mainly for encouraging the 'hard conversation'. Unfortunately, the 'hard conversation' ended the relationship, but if the other person isn't willing to have the conversation, its not the right relationship anyway. Thanks for the episode, really enjoyed.
The guilt around leaving someone is something I’ve been living with for over 2 years. Until now I didn’t realise that it isn’t the REAL feeling. The real feeling is one of disappointment. Thanks Matthew for sharing your experience. Now I have the clarity I’ve been seeking for so long.🙏
I've been mulling over what @James Smith said "Do people love you for who you are or for what you do?” and I got myself stuck in a loop. It's still transactional if someone likes you because you're funny and kind, but not wanting anything thing to do with you if you're going through a tough time. Then I was thinking about Robert Green saying if someone does something to you once they'll do it again. It's hard to know if it's worth pulling someone up on their bad behaviour, if it's a constant thing then you probably should let them go, especially if it's the same bad behaviour. Not forgetting you need to question your own behaviour and if you're open to change for the better. I can see why people put up with bad behaviour, the thought of being alone is too much for them.
This conversation made me realize I've been asking myself incomplete questions for years. For years I've been saying "I don't know how" to things that didn't go the way I liked to and couldn't fix. I just now realized that's an incomplete question, that made finding the answer super hard. For example, I could've asked myself: "I don't know how I can express my emotions in a sufficient and safe way". That is a question I can work with. I understand this now, after all those years and that's fine. I'm at a point that I have enough self compassion to be okay me not knowing stuff like this earlier and I don't beat myself up for unknowing.
having recently recovered from horrendous illness that destroyed my body (recovered now), I relate to the point about looking after the one human that is you. However I took it further, realising that that the relationship is reciprocated by your body too, and gained a huge appreciation for the physical cage my mind gets to move around in. Being faced with your own mortality I realised my body is busy keeping me alive just as much as my mind is, so you cant ever take it for granted. And look after the bloody thing!
I think it's time I finally accept the fact that after a lot of minutes watching dating advice videos on the internet, I'm not really the audience for this. On another level, I find it really insulting that these attractive men and women can openly talk about their "insecurities" when they have a significnantly easier time in the dating market.
Yep. More on this: Matthew's wife Audrey about which he speaks so much looks like a super Instagram model, but obviously he stayed silent on *that* point and preferred to speak about her being able to gear him on with her vulnerabilities and understanding. Right. These two attractive people (Chris and Matthew) carry on whole such message about focusing on authenticity, not rejecting people who love us and respect is etc. not because we should (and can) do so but because they want us to dream on. Because that's how they make money on their podcasts.
This is by far my favorite and most relatable show you’ve done yet. Man, what you both talked about just felt different this time around. From psycho analyzing yourself and those thoughts to how to forgive yourself and sit in your own body
This is a myth. Love has always been hard to find. The difference is that in the past many people didn't expect to be in love. Relationships lasted much longer than they 'should' have because breaking up wasn't the done thing. It wasn't expected that you should feel passionately in love with each other forever. You got married to someone who suited and you had kids and then you focused on bringing up the kids. The idea that we need to find our soulmate and be in love with them indefinitely is a modern concept.
Your discomfort is making me uncomfortable Perfect In the last 2 years, I've left my partner and started dating younger guys. However my behaviour is making almost all my friends uncomfortable and then some project that on to me or try to take over my life 🤦 Love this interview. Very reflective and insightful
7:30 confused ppl who dont know their stuff can rlly hurt other ppl 49:00 focus on what was missing in unhealthy rshps to remind urself why u can be comfortable in a healthy one 1:06:00 trap of not stating your needs and having hard conversations 1:12:00 if you cant apologize you cant grow and thats a red flag in someone
This is such a fantastic podcast, I wish more men would be open like this! I'm a northern man who now lives down south, so it's cool to see a northerner and southerner leaving the bullshit behind and opening up to give us a fantastic podcast. THANK YOU!
I think this is one of the most brilliant, if not the most brilliant reflection/guide on human psychology in relationships I have ever listened too. Big thank you guys ❣️
It's been excruciating looking externally for love. I've been through many painful experiences to finally recognize that ultimately love grows and flourishes from within. I was emotionally and physically neglected as a child, so I've really struggled in my adult years to not seek, need, even expect, to be understood, cared for and loved. I'm now in midlife and have finally grew to accept that love, compassion, empathy is cultivated from within and shared externally, rather than the other way around. It's just a matter of finding someone who resonates with the love i have to offer. To be single and peaceful, to be fully accepting of oneself is a great indicator that i am now ready to share myself with another. I think understanding our attachment styles and working through that with one another in compromise and compassion really helps with mutual balance and a deepening of each others realities.
Thank you guys for helping me get clear on a friendship I've been having ambiguous feelings about. If you sense something's off, it usually is, and coming from a feeling of scarcity definitely doesn't bring out the best in us ❤
LOVED IT. I also have a list of emotional buttons, that I keep, and update daily, as they really help me get back into the right state of mind. What I learned today was the self-love part, cuz I also never resonated with the idea of self-love. It was discriminatory to the rest of people, BUT, I still think it needs more...more exploration. Like, Matthew did bring it closer; in terms that how self-destructive our approach is, to ourselves, and we need to cultivate a 1-on-1 relationship with our humans, and try to do the best with them, more like a parent does for their child, but I think it still needs further exploration. Hell of great podcast btw.
What really resonated with me was when he said that he was vulnerable and was met with his worst fear of her saying that's unattractive. If I don't love myself and feel shame in the way that I feel, then it will forever change how that person most dear to you see you. I was avoidant and cold. I would shut down when all she wanted was for me to express how I was really feeling and being supportive.
As a somewhat emotional guy, I actually hate the concept creep of "trauma." There's good in developing an understanding of your upbringing, insecurities, and emotional response patterns... but connotatively equating your lack of confidence from getting made fun of by peers at 8 years old to severe abuse, having your broken femur sticking out of your thigh and nearly bleeding out, or seeing your brother in arms blown to pieces in front of you by an IED is a mistake. You're diluting the word and encouraging an endless recursion of psychological navel-gazing by suggesting "trauma" in modern parlance is anywhere near as debilitating as such experiences. Also think - even if you do feel deeply - aspiring to a level of stoicism and confidence that allows others to rely on you is admirable, and the over-focus on mental health in current times is an over-correction. Sometimes you should upbraid yourself. Have standards to both move toward and away from.
Yes, it is. These days, it feels like it’s almost impossible. Most people just want the good part of a relationship, and don’t accept the bad. Most people don’t know the definition of “true love”, which is to put that love first, before any others-not just in the good times. It’s easy to love someone when it’s all light and breezy, and the worst thing that happens is that you might help them move or bring them chicken soup when they catch a cold. That’s not really love, that’s just being a decent human being. True love is what I witnessed between my mother and father. My father became paralyzed, and my mother took care of him for the last six years of his life, and made him the sole focus of her existence. His paralysis caused chronic health conditions, from which he eventually perished. True love was seeing my mother tearfully sign off on a “DNR” notification with shaking hands, because she knew that my father wouldn’t want to live like that, hooked up to machines. True love like that is so rare, you may only hear about it through the grapevine. Ask the person who says they love you if they will take care of you when you’re in a wheelchair. Ask them if they could make your end of life decisions. (Note: if they don’t marry you, that’s a big sign that they do not want this responsibility.) That’s where the rubber meets the road. Everything else consists of just filler relationships, and they don’t mean anything.
Too much choice is a curse. I've seen that. The internet and choice is a curse, you need to manage. I know a beautiful woman, now 40, won a beauty contest in her younger days, got a university degree, just the right age for online endless choice. She took it. Now she's alone, cursed by too many options, that ran out of options in time. Pretty much, the movie Bridget Jones Diary.
@@sthubbins4038 Sure, but: Will they be the options she wants? No. What gives most women their power and options with men, is being young and being pretty, tell the truth.
Another thing that's sad about not settling down young isn't just the possibility of ending up alone but it's the loss of getting to have all your youth with your spouse. A lot is said about how fun it is to have your youth for yourself; you get to try new things and relationships and party unrestricted, perhaps travel the world without being beholden to anyone else. Getting to meet your spouse young however lets you grow together so strong. You're still pliable and so you grow together in your beliefs even more than what brought you together. All the shared experiences, and the lack of trauma from bad previous relationships. Of course people talk about the bonding that happens between first partners that is diminished with each following one but I think there is even more than that to it. Personally, I met my husband at 18 (we're 33 this year) and I feel like I've grown up with him, like he is a part of me, and I wouldn't trade the experience of getting to have grown with him and had all our youth together for all the fun party/ world travel experiences or carefree college years in the world.
The story of Dan: Friend of mine, Dan is almost 70 years old now, I call him Peter Pan Dan. He's a university professor, he teaches around the world in Korea, Japan, the Middle East, Europe. Dan was a noted athlete and scholar when young, the women found him attractive, he dated much younger women his whole life. Many. Dan had too much choice, used birth control and was willing to exploit one woman after another, with their permission. Every few years I'd see him with a new, naïve starry eyed woman. Now Dan's old and alone, has no kids, can't date the young women that he wants. Dan too was cursed with too many choices. Time catches up with everyone. As Dan got older, he brought with him, so much personal baggage from previous girlfriends. Then he started complaining to me, "Women have too much emotional baggage." 🧳🛅 I told him: Got a mirror? 🪞👴 Generally the best thing is find someone fairly young, grow together. The best question to ask yourself about any choice is: Will this pattern sustain itself, over my lifetime?
Matthew hussey your wording literally made me have tears , I saw myself on you . Soubhanallah how many people in this world are literally feeling the same way deep down inside and doesn’t know each others. Ya Allah 🙏🏽
This episode is just.. absolutely 👏🏼fantastic. 👏🏼 My goodness. That explanation of self love.. I’ve been searching for this answer for so long!! And now I got it. I am so grateful for both of these guys. Truly truly life changing
What worked great in one relationship for me was an open door to communication no matter how stupid it may seem to the one bringing it forward. Like even if one felt jealous and knew it was dumb or petty, it was encouraged to bring it up and just say hey i know it's dumb but i felt off with that. It got to any potential long running issue by bringing it out immediately and talking about it when it's small and trivial. Drinking killed the rest of it but a bad substance issue is a tough one to survive
There are some pure fkn gems dropped all throughout this one brotha. Damn now I have to read Alain de Button and Matt book. Maybe give Will a chance again and read his memoir.
I wish I heard this podcast last month. Until today she hasn't responded. My instincts says call her but I feel like she's done. The other part of me is saying let it go and heal and if they come back, they come back. If they don't, then at least you've healed.
I really don’t like the word insecure. It has its uses when it’s completely valid, but more often than not, it’s just emotional manipulation and shaming. When the odds are greatly against you, doubt is something that an intelligent person should experience. While we could argue not buying a lottery ticket when you have a chance one in a million of winning 20 bucks while betting life earnings is insecure, it’s just smart and logical. My point is the word insecure has its fair uses (for example, the situation is reversed, and the chance of losing is 1 in a million), but it always has negative connotations regardless of whether the decision is smart or not. Saying that I’m not sure if hiding vulnerability is always a wrong move. Time on Earth is limited; not everyone has ladies lined up to switch to the next if the current one isn’t perfect. Staying a bit aloof to protect the attraction and complaining to your friends may be a better solution than betting against the odds that your second half would appreciate it. Of course, it depends on the situation, but risking everything over something small doesn't seem smart.
The key to finding lasting love is developing a great relationship with yourself first. Work to heal past hurts, break unhelpful patterns, and treat yourself with unconditional positive regard. Then you'll be ready to build something beautiful with someone else - brick by brick, day by day, until you have an unshakeable bond and shared life that belongs uniquely to you two. 👩❤👨🏰
I hate that most TV show of late are depicting men as weak and making the women these impossible beings of physical strength. They are reversing the roles in a way that is not functional in reality. Strong men Physically mentally and spiritually are a necessity. The fact that this is being purposely Removed from our cultures. Is destroying our societies.
Shame, guilt, broken... Its nice to hear guys saying they feel things like this. I have always thought I felt this way because I'm a woman, and guys don't have these problems.
Apparently, I live under a rock and have not heard of your brilliant guest before today. Probably some of the most brilliant, understandable, valid information I’ve taken in recently. Changed my life today. My deepest gratitude Chris for your work. Thank you. Peace ☮️
I know this isn't the majority opinion, but Dating/Relationship Podcasts like this are so frustrating and I'm not sure I can finish it. There was one line that I found relatable ("Struggling to find love, disappointed, and asking myself 'why am I struggling? Why are people around me content and seem to glide through?'"). This podcast was frustrating to me because 1) the guest wants to frame the subject around deep and psychological issues and 2) he doesn't actually want to open up after vaguely gesturing to them. On the first part, the reasons why the viewer isn't finding love probably are NOT that deep and psychological... it's probably a question they shouldn't dwell on excessively, and instead the useful thing to dwell on finding a sense of ease and peace. On the second part, there were so many times where the guest performs as if he is opening up WITHOUT actually providing any details for us to remember or relate to. Examples: opening up about an insecurity with Audrey, opening up about an insecurity with a previous girlfriend, when he said "being incapable of sitting with his feelings" in his 20s, and "not sorting his own stuff first". What happened in all these things? Are these really relevant to why the viewer can't find love? What were the situations, the feelings, the details? No elaboration given, nor does he see that as the point. How am I suppose to relate to anything they are saying? I don't relate, I also don't think it is relevant to me, and I don't think I can finish.
That seems more of a you problem than a problem with the format though? If he had been more specific and you didn't share this particular insecurity, would that have made it easier for you to identify with him and learn from the situation? Or would it have been the same result, you not finding it relevant? ' On the first part, the reasons why the viewer isn't finding love probably are NOT that deep and psychological' It's not deep and psychological, it's emotional. Most people who struggle with dating are emotionally unavailable. They are not in touch with themselves and do not know what they need and how to communicate that in a healthy way. If someone is very self-critical and unable to show vulnerability because they learnt it is a weakness, chances are that they are overly critical to their partner and treat their vulnerability as a weakness. What Hussey seems to advocate is self-knowledge and self-acceptance, which makes it easier to find, give and receive love.
@@alexblainelayter7703 " If he had been more specific and you didn't share this particular insecurity, would that have made it easier for you to identify with him and learn from the situation?" One hundred percent yes. It's less about wanting a podcast guest to share a same emotional story as me, it's more about wanting to relate to another human being on a more basic level. If he had opened up with more details it would allow me to relate to and learn from him one way or another. "Most people who struggle with dating are emotionally unavailable." Ok. I can't disprove it. Either way, I personally didn't find this podcast valuable. Here is what I would find very valuable: What is your experience with struggling with dating like, if at all? How long did you struggle, what did you feel, and how did you ultimately navigate it?
Getting past the “scarcity mindset” is all well and good if you’re not in scarcity. But let’s say you match with 1 person across 4 dating apps a month, and have immense difficulty meeting people in person, your reality is scarce. If this is your state you have no choice but to take what you can get, abuse and all. We’re not all socially capable or desirable. Not to be discouraging but merely advising these folks to “just don’t think you’re in scarcity” when they’re starving for human interaction isn’t super helpful.
Why does anyone attempt to be the complete package when it’s not possible. Why is humbleness so rejected be everyone? Humbleness is not groveling or lowering yourself below others. That’s not it. It’s being real and vulnerable.
This podcast could not have come at a more Poignant time in my life. Thank you guys, I really enjoy the majority of your podcasts and get a lot out of them. But this one hit different. Thank you
Chris, thanks for having Matt on for a discussion again. He's one of my favorite guests of yours, and appreciate you both for being real and making me think.
In your 20’s you’re drunk with freedom in your 30’s you experience possibilities In your 40’s you think you know better In your 50’s you are now wise enough to know you know nothing so you forgive others and treat yourself better. Good self talk helps less self criticism is the key. Things start coming your way. It gets better lads.
I enjoyed the conversation , it is about so much more than love life. Somewhere at the end, when you approached the question of identity and Mathew's philosophy on taking care of the human, so much reminded of a song by Nina Simone : Ain't Got No, I Got Life. Different times, different context but deals with the same deep fundamental personal struggle. Thank you for bringing that topic and for the heart-felt sharing.
I'm in the same position. Constantly being told that I'm a catch. Ironically the same woman that say that are the same ones that won't date me because I "didn't have the "hot chemistry"", "didn't generate spark ", " don't have the right look" etc. It drove me up the wall for the longest time and even interviewed a PUA for lessons, but he turned out to be a douche during the interview process. I'm coming to terms that God gave me the "ick" to compensate for the other gifts that he gave me.
@@Cee_EffI can pull women, I just don't care about it anymore. The ones that are 10-20 years younger are attractive to me, and I can pull some of them also, but most of them are just awful people.
I’m a bit older, and it seems that women have changed. I have lots of lady friends, but none of them are interested in love. They seem happy being alone and only having superficial contacts. It’s quite disheartening. What to do? Give up and just die from uselessness?
@@TuffLuv1984no. He should work on being the best version of himself and the right women will be attracted to him. Trying to figure out how to not drain her energy is such a codependent thing to say. Maybe she is a drain on his energy? But with your suggestion, he will think he’s the problem in the situation when maybe he’s not. Maybe it’s just the wrong person for him. Working on his mindset is probably one thing he can do though.
@56:55 agh, that cut. Thats my avoidant M.O. , I can’t express my needs, but now I’m hurt, and so I’m just going to end things with you. The last guy I dated I said we were done about 2-3 times and each time he asked me if I would come over and talk to him in person, then he’d reassure me about things and I’d be fine. But every time I got hurt, it wasn’t, “I’m going to tell him I’m hurt and talk to him about it” it was, “this has to be over now”. Not my first experience with that at all.
Great episode! A journey that begins from within is the answer. For me, radical acceptance of who I am and who I'm moving towards is ultimate confidence. It ensures I'm only on my path and not going into comparison mode.
6:20 😭 that was insanely helpful I feel sorta lost rn deciding between transferring colleges (again) and trying to grow my business I feel lost and lowk lonely and I felt like I was missing a girl but I’d rushing it for the wrong reason. W podcast thanks Chris
Admitting ur wrong is hard. But every time u admit ur wrong. It gets easyer cause u get over the pride part. Then when u see the results with ur partner that u came 2 a better understanding of each other and it buildings trust. And avoiding a unnecessary fight. U feel a pride that i tell the truth when i am wrong and u can admit it. Be the first 1 2 admit it in ur relationship and it can be a bridge.
just tearing up this entire episode😅 I've seen other recent episodes with Matthew and I've just been relating to so much of what he's had to say.. some good food for thought for sure, for my relationship with myself, my husband, and others
Try finding some people to be friends with in my place, good luck, have fun. Ohh and don't forget the 26 years of suffering to become wealthy. Don't forget the years that passed me by because of the shitty games and movies i watched. Don't forget the pain without love i never wished for, live it trough and come out unbroken. Once again God does not love me if It exists, and don't try to bullshit me again.Thank you!
This conversation held so many valuable points for me! Especially around the part of having difficult conversations. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
Matthew does not present as someone who is perfect, and has everything . I believe his book is who he is, using his own experiences without intimate details 👍
Hello you savages. Get a 35% discount on all Cozy Earth products at www.cozyearth.com/modernwisdom. Here's the timestamps:
00:00 Are Dating Coaches Hard to Date?
06:13 How We Use Dating to Make Us Feel Better
10:21 Flipping Between Comforting & Inspiring Relationships
20:03 How We Condition Ourselves to Feel Love & Peace
30:01 Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Through Working Hard
36:23 Why the Internet Isn’t Talking About Love Anymore
48:28 Being Comfortable With Healthy Love
52:28 Feeling Guilty About Having Needs
1:01:37 How to Become Better at Hard Conversations
1:08:35 The Downsides of Being a Fixer
1:18:18 How to Communicate When You’re in the Wrong
1:28:07 Why Men Bottle Up Their Trauma
1:48:50 Working Hard to Rewire Your Thinking
1:55:34 Where to Find Matthew
What's with the audio in the middle of the podcast? Like guest mic cutting out but your trying to splice your mic with derooming tech?
Absolutely loved this podcast. As a mum of a 23 year old where I’m trying to have these conversations and can’t find the words, thank you for making my job easier x
Why do you call us savages
Man thank you for having me. Loved this conversation. And really enjoyed reading these comments. Thank you for your kind words everyone, and for the vulnerability shared here. 🙏❤️
Thank you for the vulnerability in tough subjects, listening to this today was really powerful for me…I needed it. Your work is important and super valuable to people. Thank you Matthew 🙏 much love
I also appreciated the vulnerability, it was very honest and I think it's good that we got to see what's "under the hood" a bit.
Love this vulnerable version of you... thank you for sharing more of you 🙏
It's you're 3d (or 2nd) interview here and it's still one of the tops!
First, cinematic interview in the villa, I think I remember you making me cry with how much...sincere, warm and still tourmented you were : being real.
Love you man, keep at it !
What an amazing discussion. Thank you for opening up in a way that most guys can't.
You helped realize things that I had buried deep in myself since I was very young. It feels good to hear it from another guy.
My boyfriend listened to this and texted me “I think you should listen to this podcast, there’s lots that resonated with me”. I then listened and we had a conversation about things we haven’t before. Thankyou
That's awesome that you guys have this kind of relationship and mature capacity to communicate about meaningful things. I know women in their 40s who wouldn't engage on this level yet wonder why they're still single 🤦
I wish I heard this podcast last month. Until today she hasn't responded. My instincts says call her but I feel like she's done. The other part of me is saying let it go and heal and if they come back, they come back. If they don't, then at least you've healed.
@@JeffersonRahSometimes it's good to trust your instincts. But sometimes your instincts are wrong. Sometimes they've learned bad lessons.
Best of luck!
@@JeffersonRahCame here to say this. They’ve covered so much in this video that’s shown me a different side of my own behavior. I had the impulse to send this to my ex until I remembered we’ve been separate for three months now. It hurts but it’s good to know for the next time
I have never identified with something more than with the idea that people who want to find love are not interested in dating. This is so real
That's golden, and so me!
Agreed. My name is Golden and this is literally me.
100% This is why I think it's so difficult to find love as a man over 30. All the women you have available to you are the ones who are addicted to the excitement of dating and not too interested in the work of building a meaningful relationship
How weird. To me finding someone who wants to build a meaningful relationship was always more exciting than dating.
So true! I put that out straight away. I’m looking for something serious and the guy stepped straight up. He too was looking for something serious.
"What looks like avoidance can often stem from fear of expressing needs."
I’m terrified to express what I need because I’m used to retaliation for it, because it was easy to pick on me growing up being a young man, how do you work through this?
Clearly I have wasted my life with no ambition, status or power. I moved to a foreign country at 23 and never grew up, just kept on feeling and experiencing new things. So why am I so content with my life as I sit here about to turn 70? Some people want to leave their mark on this world but I guess I want to leave no trace of my passing, same as I do out on the trails. Some people need to live big, but hey, it's okay to live grounded in the present and let others carry all that angst of ambition and competition.🙏
Don't you have some kind of regret that you didn't pursue anything ambitious
@@trappart9209 Honestly no. I have spent my life doing exactly what I want and trusting in my own choices. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone but it worked for me.
The ambitious people who amass wealth and possessions end up dying with wealth and possessions that are then sold or given away.
Brother, I’m with you. I’m 34. Each goal I set, the wearier I get…at some point when is enough simply enough? There’s nothing that ever made me feel more alive than being in the moment.
@@trappart9209 the need to be achieved and to achieve things is different between people. It's all relative.
I’d given up on finding love for a couple years now. Nothing felt real and authentic. And to be honest, looking back I don’t believe I was ready.
Fast forward to now, I randomly met my girlfriend through mutual friends, and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. In fact, I bought a ring last week and plan to propose around the end of the year!!
LOVE IS OUT THERE! Don’t give up, and don’t listen to these crazy toxic people on the internet that say otherwise. Do what’s right for you. So much value from this podcast! Awesome to listen to! :)
Congrats!!!
Wow interesting
From what I've seen from friends and family, as soon as it's not as fun or a little difficult, they are gone. People need to toughen up on all fronts.
Well it's only 1 group in particular bowing out ♀
Math is mathin.
@@Rollacoastertycoon Juice not worth squeeze 💊
@@brianmeen2158 if you're having small talk, you're doing it wrong. Girls hate that too. It's your job as the guy to lead the convo away from small talk and show that you're different. Granted most guys fail here at this step
The problem of choice - as long as there is another choice (even the illusion of having one) will lead people to give up more easily as there is "always somebody else, somebody without problems".
We all know this is a lie but the mind falls for it nonetheless.
The anecdote about shutting yourself in your room to punish others for your own bad feelings hit me hard. I’ve been doing this my entire life. Thanks for the incredible insight. Now that I recognize it I’ll work on it
This interview with Matthew felt dif. More personal, deep, introspective in ways that meet so many of us where we are. So grateful for this pod, this one had so many nuggets of gold. Great episode.
"I am the only human I get. How could I give this human the best life possible" WOW! This conversation is one of your best so far Chris! Love you both ❤
Im 40, and when my first marriage was falling apart, I asked my grandpa how he was able to stay married to grandma so long, and his answer was problematic, but I now think is 100% true. Relationships and love are different between generations.
Todays society and generations are (in my opinion) less inclined to thrive or even survive in difficult situations. My grandpa said he went through countless problems in his relationship, but him and my grandma were committed to the sanctity or marriage and the idea of love.
When things get tough and you know that you can just throw in the towel, avoid pain and suffering while simultaneously engaging with someone else in a completely different relationship it doesnt inspire you to put in any real effort. People don't and are being raised to avoid discomfort, and when they face adversity, they do the easiest thing, and oftentimes, that involved leaving their partner.
The timestamps on bottling up trauma and rewiring the thinking process, were the most important lessons for me. At the end of the day, I now have the freedom of consistently checking up on myself because I love me, a human that is mine. If i practice this everyday, then i could at least carry myself through any kind of situation, hard or good times. I get to be strong all the time while also recognising, acknowledging and accepting the emotions i feel (emotional buttons) and still live. Thank you Matthew Hussey! And thank you Chris for having this podcast!
I'll never give up. Finding love may mean getting hurt, but so what get back up and try again.
Just say you're a _masochist_ , it's much easier than coping. 💊
Not enough time
@wtfdtreats I feel sorry for folks like you
@@DTreatzYou're a masochist
So long as you are fine if things never happen. Many people never get to marry, despite wanting to; even when times were better.
At 37:20 I felt like he was essentially describing my issue. Love, if you can find it and most won’t, is truly amazing, but dating is absolutely excruciating. Like him, I’m a very private person and deeply introverted. The idea that I’m going to have meaningful conversation with strangers or worse, open some app and click on the picture of someone I don’t know from Adam is deeply unappealing. Let’s not even talk about the flaking, ghosting, lying, and other horrible behaviors people engage in when “dating.” I got a taste of the dating world when I was much younger and knew it wasn’t for me. If we could just skip over all of the B.S. and find true love… I think many will have to make peace with living the single life like I did.
Matthew Hussey is brilliant! " I have a special responsibility to give myself encouragement and compassion and love..." I agree 100%💖
When we truly accept and own who we are, it won’t bother us as much when we open up and they say it’s not attractive. I’d tell her oh well, that’s where I am right now.
I feel I could re-watch that podcast 10 times over and I'd take something new from it each time.
The drug analogy was spot on. The brain chemistry addiction is soo real in toxic relationships. Detox is vital.
I was so stuck on her and everything felt like it was going smoothly and really well but it was going very fast. Then she said she needed to take a step back and that we were going too fast. As someone that was so attached to her and lost myself, I didn't take it very well. I've grown but unfortunately she may have moved on. Detoxing was needed.
My experience being open and vulnerable with a woman led to them putting that knowledge in their pocket to be used against me when it suited them. Of course not all women are like that, but there are plenty that are. Some will even demand to know your vulnerabilities, not to be closer or bond, but because they want that ammunition and they will emotionally blackmail you to get it.
Same
Geez! Sounds horrible!
I understand this. However, finding people who won’t use ur vulnerabilities agaisnt u is extremely important. If you can’t open up to ur partner than they aren’t the right one for you.
This is no incident. They will use it to try to destroy you. Don't show anything to them.
Same! Especially if it's something you're not proud of, perhaps something morally wrong that you did in the past. Doesn't matter how long ago it was, or how much you've grown and changed as a person. If you confess things you're not proud of, women will absolutely use it against you and most likely will use it as justification to dump you too. Sad but true
I have been blessed enough to meet and date women who were very appreciative of me showing vulnerability. In my experience, it actually increases connection. That said, it is NOT something I would show in the courting/dating portion of the relationship and it MUST be seen as a nice surprise - meaning she should already have many experiences with you being a strong person and this is rare softer side. Cry too much and you’ll get left lol
That sounds about right. Vulnerability can’t be the main course, but can come as a pleasant surprise side dish.
Matthew's story about his jealousy and previous relationships (when she told him it was unattractive to be vulnerable) and his current relationship (where she reassured him)......he found someone who really loves him (around 14 mins in). What a blessing. It's my experience to be told to grow up, you're being ridiculous and childish and to just get over it.
My ex would get mad at me for being loving during conflict. They couldn't comprehend that I could feel mad at them and still hold and hug them. I think they saw my vulnerability and messiness as a threat. It made things so difficult, no matter what I tired. Even asking questions for clarification triggered them to an extreme. 😢
At 7:25 he said something that might be the best thing i ever heard about relationships in general.. because, in the end, it all sums up to the 'doubt' that you admit in yourself.... "am i good for this person?", "is this person good for me?", "can i do better?", "are we compatible..", "do we have the same goals?", "what are my non negotiables and can this person fulfill those needs?".. Living on the regret that we might have lost a person (our person..) just because we didn't knew better or we didn't communicate well enough or that we thought it was the right decision at the time, but then it backfires.. could be one of the worst and most painful feelings ever..
This is exactly what I needed to hear and to see. I struggle in all of this. As a classic people pleaser since childhood due to a parent who was unpredictable, I had to take on a role. Thankfully, from working with a life coach as well as a therapist, I'm making progress to heal old wounds and am working to put myself out there again. Vulnerability was never easy for me, nor was it easy to ask for my needs. It's slowly getting better.
Thank you for this.
Same here and I was seeking walls every single time when I wanted to date. Last year I met my opus magnum when I fell in love with a neuron toxin that totally demolished me and this woke me up and destroyed me at the same time. My therapy is not being involved any more...seems cheap, but it is effective.
@@rjflores438 yes it is....farewell
It's such a pleasure to listen to the conversation of two self-aware people, who admit their own struggles and aim to do better. It is very inspiring and comforting in some way.
About a month ago my girl and I of 8 years separated. We just grew apart as people and it wasn’t working out. This podcast explains a lot and I’m glad I watched it!
Why not get married and push through since you've been together 8 years?
It sounds like you don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. They may have been dysfunctional.
It’s astonishing that I, as a native born black American man, have more common experience with this British public speaker than I do with my own family
@@Rollacoastertycoon its funny to me that im asian
I recommend you check out Coach Greg Adams, especially useful for black Americans.
It’s funny to me that I’m white and rich and unhappy but I was happy when I was white and poor 😂😂😂
Can’t we as humans finally see past our skin colour and recognise we’re all the same.
As a species we’ve been on this planet for a heartbeat compared to its age.
Until 1600 no one even noticed skin colour. It came in to justify the horror of slavery.
Follow Martin Luther King”s edict. Judge people by their soul, not their race.
I've noticed the same situation happens in Latino American families, so many unhealthy and horrendous behaviors are normalized and when you try to be different than them, all of a sudden you are the "crazy one".
I have been steeped in self development articles, books and podcasts for over five years now. The last 15 minutes of this interview has what may be the best advice I’ve ever heard. The whole thing is great but there is so much wisdom to be found there. Thank you both for the tremendous work you are doing!
This conversation has given me so much insight. For example loving oneself as a parent loves her child as opposed to the romantic approach. This is just one light bulb moment in this inspiring conversation. I cannot wait until Matthew’s book lands in my mailbox.
I made the mistake of sharing something I was insecure about with my ex I was with for 9 years. She told me she needed me to be more vulnerable than when I was she left 😂. I then learn women do not like negative vulnerability( they don't want to see your weakness). I've opted out of romantic relationships all together. Being loved for who you really are is not a privilege men get, we are only loved for what we can provide. We have to be bulletproof and unshakable and that's not even possible, at least not for me.
What was it about?
I’d love you more for it. Good women are out there ❤
Not all women, the man I loved was vulnerable with me, he cried once or twice over something and I only conforted him as I would do with any loved one of mine. I didn't left him for that reason, in fact he left me because he wanted to fuck around
Wonderful conversation! I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such an open, vulnerable conversation between two men.
I bet it will help many witness two very admirable men open up and exchange like this.
I haven’t watched many of Hussey’s content but I just preordered his audiobook. His perspective on love and relationships seems quite different from the (mostly female) perspectives I’m used to sharing with.
Thank you, Chris, for another great interview.🙌🏽
My biggest takeaway from this: I am responsible for this human. When I frame self-love in this way, I will treat myself well so that I can thrive. Thank you ❤
Quitting an addictive behavior without doing the internal emotional work is a recipe for relapse. Using emotional work to quit an addictive behavior may actually leave us better off than when we first got into it.
I love this conversation. Many reasons, but mainly for encouraging the 'hard conversation'. Unfortunately, the 'hard conversation' ended the relationship, but if the other person isn't willing to have the conversation, its not the right relationship anyway. Thanks for the episode, really enjoyed.
The guilt around leaving someone is something I’ve been living with for over 2 years. Until now I didn’t realise that it isn’t the REAL feeling. The real feeling is one of disappointment. Thanks Matthew for sharing your experience. Now I have the clarity I’ve been seeking for so long.🙏
I have a friend who I've been giving emotional support to for AGES now, and I've given her FOUR CLIPS from this ONE video. ❤
I've been mulling over what @James Smith said "Do people love you for who you are or for what you do?” and I got myself stuck in a loop. It's still transactional if someone likes you because you're funny and kind, but not wanting anything thing to do with you if you're going through a tough time. Then I was thinking about Robert Green saying if someone does something to you once they'll do it again.
It's hard to know if it's worth pulling someone up on their bad behaviour, if it's a constant thing then you probably should let them go, especially if it's the same bad behaviour. Not forgetting you need to question your own behaviour and if you're open to change for the better.
I can see why people put up with bad behaviour, the thought of being alone is too much for them.
Of course not! Wake up, it’s what you can provide. Financially, emotionally etc.
“Everyone that listens to this is way too introspective”
Nailed it.
This conversation made me realize I've been asking myself incomplete questions for years. For years I've been saying "I don't know how" to things that didn't go the way I liked to and couldn't fix.
I just now realized that's an incomplete question, that made finding the answer super hard.
For example, I could've asked myself: "I don't know how I can express my emotions in a sufficient and safe way". That is a question I can work with.
I understand this now, after all those years and that's fine. I'm at a point that I have enough self compassion to be okay me not knowing stuff like this earlier and I don't beat myself up for unknowing.
having recently recovered from horrendous illness that destroyed my body (recovered now), I relate to the point about looking after the one human that is you. However I took it further, realising that that the relationship is reciprocated by your body too, and gained a huge appreciation for the physical cage my mind gets to move around in. Being faced with your own mortality I realised my body is busy keeping me alive just as much as my mind is, so you cant ever take it for granted. And look after the bloody thing!
I'm with you on the dating thing. I hate dating with a passion, but I also want love with an even greater passion 😂
I think it's time I finally accept the fact that after a lot of minutes watching dating advice videos on the internet, I'm not really the audience for this.
On another level, I find it really insulting that these attractive men and women can openly talk about their "insecurities" when they have a significnantly easier time in the dating market.
Yep.
More on this: Matthew's wife Audrey about which he speaks so much looks like a super Instagram model, but obviously he stayed silent on *that* point and preferred to speak about her being able to gear him on with her vulnerabilities and understanding. Right.
These two attractive people (Chris and Matthew) carry on whole such message about focusing on authenticity, not rejecting people who love us and respect is etc. not because we should (and can) do so but because they want us to dream on. Because that's how they make money on their podcasts.
This is by far my favorite and most relatable show you’ve done yet. Man, what you both talked about just felt different this time around. From psycho analyzing yourself and those thoughts to how to forgive yourself and sit in your own body
This is a myth. Love has always been hard to find. The difference is that in the past many people didn't expect to be in love. Relationships lasted much longer than they 'should' have because breaking up wasn't the done thing. It wasn't expected that you should feel passionately in love with each other forever. You got married to someone who suited and you had kids and then you focused on bringing up the kids. The idea that we need to find our soulmate and be in love with them indefinitely is a modern concept.
Your discomfort is making me uncomfortable
Perfect
In the last 2 years, I've left my partner and started dating younger guys. However my behaviour is making almost all my friends uncomfortable and then some project that on to me or try to take over my life 🤦
Love this interview. Very reflective and insightful
7:30 confused ppl who dont know their stuff can rlly hurt other ppl
49:00 focus on what was missing in unhealthy rshps to remind urself why u can be comfortable in a healthy one
1:06:00 trap of not stating your needs and having hard conversations
1:12:00 if you cant apologize you cant grow and thats a red flag in someone
This is such a fantastic podcast, I wish more men would be open like this! I'm a northern man who now lives down south, so it's cool to see a northerner and southerner leaving the bullshit behind and opening up to give us a fantastic podcast. THANK YOU!
I think this is one of the most brilliant, if not the most brilliant reflection/guide on human psychology in relationships I have ever listened too. Big thank you guys ❣️
It's been excruciating looking externally for love. I've been through many painful experiences to finally recognize that ultimately love grows and flourishes from within. I was emotionally and physically neglected as a child, so I've really struggled in my adult years to not seek, need, even expect, to be understood, cared for and loved.
I'm now in midlife and have finally grew to accept that love, compassion, empathy is cultivated from within and shared externally, rather than the other way around. It's just a matter of finding someone who resonates with the love i have to offer.
To be single and peaceful, to be fully accepting of oneself is a great indicator that i am now ready to share myself with another. I think understanding our attachment styles and working through that with one another in compromise and compassion really helps with mutual balance and a deepening of each others realities.
Thank you guys for helping me get clear on a friendship I've been having ambiguous feelings about. If you sense something's off, it usually is, and coming from a feeling of scarcity definitely doesn't bring out the best in us ❤
LOVED IT. I also have a list of emotional buttons, that I keep, and update daily, as they really help me get back into the right state of mind. What I learned today was the self-love part, cuz I also never resonated with the idea of self-love. It was discriminatory to the rest of people, BUT, I still think it needs more...more exploration. Like, Matthew did bring it closer; in terms that how self-destructive our approach is, to ourselves, and we need to cultivate a 1-on-1 relationship with our humans, and try to do the best with them, more like a parent does for their child, but I think it still needs further exploration. Hell of great podcast btw.
What really resonated with me was when he said that he was vulnerable and was met with his worst fear of her saying that's unattractive. If I don't love myself and feel shame in the way that I feel, then it will forever change how that person most dear to you see you. I was avoidant and cold. I would shut down when all she wanted was for me to express how I was really feeling and being supportive.
I love myself because I’m my own human. Great awesome message
As a somewhat emotional guy, I actually hate the concept creep of "trauma." There's good in developing an understanding of your upbringing, insecurities, and emotional response patterns... but connotatively equating your lack of confidence from getting made fun of by peers at 8 years old to severe abuse, having your broken femur sticking out of your thigh and nearly bleeding out, or seeing your brother in arms blown to pieces in front of you by an IED is a mistake. You're diluting the word and encouraging an endless recursion of psychological navel-gazing by suggesting "trauma" in modern parlance is anywhere near as debilitating as such experiences.
Also think - even if you do feel deeply - aspiring to a level of stoicism and confidence that allows others to rely on you is admirable, and the over-focus on mental health in current times is an over-correction. Sometimes you should upbraid yourself. Have standards to both move toward and away from.
@@TuffLuv1984 no they really aren't
Wow. I don’t say this lightly..this podcasts has changed something in me deeply. It spoke to everything in me. Thank you both.
Yes, it is. These days, it feels like it’s almost impossible. Most people just want the good part of a relationship, and don’t accept the bad.
Most people don’t know the definition of “true love”, which is to put that love first, before any others-not just in the good times. It’s easy to love someone when it’s all light and breezy, and the worst thing that happens is that you might help them move or bring them chicken soup when they catch a cold. That’s not really love, that’s just being a decent human being.
True love is what I witnessed between my mother and father. My father became paralyzed, and my mother took care of him for the last six years of his life, and made him the sole focus of her existence. His paralysis caused chronic health conditions, from which he eventually perished.
True love was seeing my mother tearfully sign off on a “DNR” notification with shaking hands, because she knew that my father wouldn’t want to live like that, hooked up to machines.
True love like that is so rare, you may only hear about it through the grapevine.
Ask the person who says they love you if they will take care of you when you’re in a wheelchair. Ask them if they could make your end of life decisions. (Note: if they don’t marry you, that’s a big sign that they do not want this responsibility.) That’s where the rubber meets the road. Everything else consists of just filler relationships, and they don’t mean anything.
Too much choice is a curse. I've seen that. The internet and choice is a curse, you need to manage. I know a beautiful woman, now 40, won a beauty contest in her younger days, got a university degree, just the right age for online endless choice. She took it. Now she's alone, cursed by too many options, that ran out of options in time. Pretty much, the movie Bridget Jones Diary.
A beautiful 40 year-old woman still has plenty of options.
Only bitter single men think they don’t.
@@sthubbins4038 Sure, but: Will they be the options she wants? No. What gives most women their power and options with men, is being young and being pretty, tell the truth.
Another thing that's sad about not settling down young isn't just the possibility of ending up alone but it's the loss of getting to have all your youth with your spouse. A lot is said about how fun it is to have your youth for yourself; you get to try new things and relationships and party unrestricted, perhaps travel the world without being beholden to anyone else. Getting to meet your spouse young however lets you grow together so strong. You're still pliable and so you grow together in your beliefs even more than what brought you together. All the shared experiences, and the lack of trauma from bad previous relationships. Of course people talk about the bonding that happens between first partners that is diminished with each following one but I think there is even more than that to it. Personally, I met my husband at 18 (we're 33 this year) and I feel like I've grown up with him, like he is a part of me, and I wouldn't trade the experience of getting to have grown with him and had all our youth together for all the fun party/ world travel experiences or carefree college years in the world.
I pray you find them!
The story of Dan: Friend of mine, Dan is almost 70 years old now, I call him Peter Pan Dan. He's a university professor, he teaches around the world in Korea, Japan, the Middle East, Europe. Dan was a noted athlete and scholar when young, the women found him attractive, he dated much younger women his whole life. Many. Dan had too much choice, used birth control and was willing to exploit one woman after another, with their permission. Every few years I'd see him with a new, naïve starry eyed woman. Now Dan's old and alone, has no kids, can't date the young women that he wants. Dan too was cursed with too many choices. Time catches up with everyone.
As Dan got older, he brought with him, so much personal baggage from previous girlfriends. Then he started complaining to me, "Women have too much emotional baggage." 🧳🛅 I told him: Got a mirror? 🪞👴
Generally the best thing is find someone fairly young, grow together. The best question to ask yourself about any choice is: Will this pattern sustain itself, over my lifetime?
Matthew hussey your wording literally made me have tears , I saw myself on you . Soubhanallah how many people in this world are literally feeling the same way deep down inside and doesn’t know each others. Ya Allah 🙏🏽
As a woman who meditates and "has a thought, it goes away and then you say: I'm the type of person who notices my thought"...so good!!!
Harry Potter & Bradly Cooper fusion giving me love advice is something I didn't know I needed!
Great Episode! Thank you!
Lmao
His channel is packed with stuff but I've never seen the Radcliffe/Cooper connection til right now 😂
This episode is just.. absolutely 👏🏼fantastic. 👏🏼 My goodness. That explanation of self love.. I’ve been searching for this answer for so long!! And now I got it. I am so grateful for both of these guys. Truly truly life changing
this dude is smart af. damnnn
What worked great in one relationship for me was an open door to communication no matter how stupid it may seem to the one bringing it forward. Like even if one felt jealous and knew it was dumb or petty, it was encouraged to bring it up and just say hey i know it's dumb but i felt off with that. It got to any potential long running issue by bringing it out immediately and talking about it when it's small and trivial.
Drinking killed the rest of it but a bad substance issue is a tough one to survive
Mr Hussey seems to have a very kind heart; that’s beautiful and so attractive.
This was sooooo good. So much good stuff throughout this episode! Great job… massive TY to both.
If healing was an episode, it is this. Thank you so much to both of you guys ❤❤
There are some pure fkn gems dropped all throughout this one brotha. Damn now I have to read Alain de Button and Matt book. Maybe give Will a chance again and read his memoir.
I wish I heard this podcast last month. Until today she hasn't responded. My instincts says call her but I feel like she's done. The other part of me is saying let it go and heal and if they come back, they come back. If they don't, then at least you've healed.
I really don’t like the word insecure. It has its uses when it’s completely valid, but more often than not, it’s just emotional manipulation and shaming. When the odds are greatly against you, doubt is something that an intelligent person should experience. While we could argue not buying a lottery ticket when you have a chance one in a million of winning 20 bucks while betting life earnings is insecure, it’s just smart and logical. My point is the word insecure has its fair uses (for example, the situation is reversed, and the chance of losing is 1 in a million), but it always has negative connotations regardless of whether the decision is smart or not.
Saying that I’m not sure if hiding vulnerability is always a wrong move. Time on Earth is limited; not everyone has ladies lined up to switch to the next if the current one isn’t perfect. Staying a bit aloof to protect the attraction and complaining to your friends may be a better solution than betting against the odds that your second half would appreciate it. Of course, it depends on the situation, but risking everything over something small doesn't seem smart.
The key to finding lasting love is developing a great relationship with yourself first. Work to heal past hurts, break unhelpful patterns, and treat yourself with unconditional positive regard. Then you'll be ready to build something beautiful with someone else - brick by brick, day by day, until you have an unshakeable bond and shared life that belongs uniquely to you two. 👩❤👨🏰
I hate that most TV show of late are depicting men as weak and making the women these impossible beings of physical strength. They are reversing the roles in a way that is not functional in reality. Strong men Physically mentally and spiritually are a necessity. The fact that this is being
purposely
Removed from our cultures.
Is destroying our societies.
Shame, guilt, broken... Its nice to hear guys saying they feel things like this. I have always thought I felt this way because I'm a woman, and guys don't have these problems.
We very much do, it's just society pressures men into hiding it.
Apparently, I live under a rock and have not heard of your brilliant guest before today. Probably some of the most brilliant, understandable, valid information I’ve taken in recently. Changed my life today. My deepest gratitude Chris for your work. Thank you.
Peace ☮️
I know this isn't the majority opinion, but Dating/Relationship Podcasts like this are so frustrating and I'm not sure I can finish it. There was one line that I found relatable ("Struggling to find love, disappointed, and asking myself 'why am I struggling? Why are people around me content and seem to glide through?'"). This podcast was frustrating to me because 1) the guest wants to frame the subject around deep and psychological issues and 2) he doesn't actually want to open up after vaguely gesturing to them. On the first part, the reasons why the viewer isn't finding love probably are NOT that deep and psychological... it's probably a question they shouldn't dwell on excessively, and instead the useful thing to dwell on finding a sense of ease and peace. On the second part, there were so many times where the guest performs as if he is opening up WITHOUT actually providing any details for us to remember or relate to. Examples: opening up about an insecurity with Audrey, opening up about an insecurity with a previous girlfriend, when he said "being incapable of sitting with his feelings" in his 20s, and "not sorting his own stuff first". What happened in all these things? Are these really relevant to why the viewer can't find love? What were the situations, the feelings, the details? No elaboration given, nor does he see that as the point. How am I suppose to relate to anything they are saying? I don't relate, I also don't think it is relevant to me, and I don't think I can finish.
That seems more of a you problem than a problem with the format though? If he had been more specific and you didn't share this particular insecurity, would that have made it easier for you to identify with him and learn from the situation? Or would it have been the same result, you not finding it relevant?
' On the first part, the reasons why the viewer isn't finding love probably are NOT that deep and psychological'
It's not deep and psychological, it's emotional. Most people who struggle with dating are emotionally unavailable. They are not in touch with themselves and do not know what they need and how to communicate that in a healthy way. If someone is very self-critical and unable to show vulnerability because they learnt it is a weakness, chances are that they are overly critical to their partner and treat their vulnerability as a weakness. What Hussey seems to advocate is self-knowledge and self-acceptance, which makes it easier to find, give and receive love.
@@alexblainelayter7703
" If he had been more specific and you didn't share this particular insecurity, would that have made it easier for you to identify with him and learn from the situation?"
One hundred percent yes. It's less about wanting a podcast guest to share a same emotional story as me, it's more about wanting to relate to another human being on a more basic level. If he had opened up with more details it would allow me to relate to and learn from him one way or another.
"Most people who struggle with dating are emotionally unavailable."
Ok. I can't disprove it. Either way, I personally didn't find this podcast valuable. Here is what I would find very valuable: What is your experience with struggling with dating like, if at all? How long did you struggle, what did you feel, and how did you ultimately navigate it?
Getting past the “scarcity mindset” is all well and good if you’re not in scarcity. But let’s say you match with 1 person across 4 dating apps a month, and have immense difficulty meeting people in person, your reality is scarce. If this is your state you have no choice but to take what you can get, abuse and all. We’re not all socially capable or desirable. Not to be discouraging but merely advising these folks to “just don’t think you’re in scarcity” when they’re starving for human interaction isn’t super helpful.
This is the most insightful and personal conversation I've ever heard. Well done me lads 🖖💯
Why does anyone attempt to be the complete package when it’s not possible. Why is humbleness so rejected be everyone? Humbleness is not groveling or lowering yourself below others. That’s not it. It’s being real and vulnerable.
This podcast could not have come at a more Poignant time in my life.
Thank you guys, I really enjoy the majority of your podcasts and get a lot out of them.
But this one hit different. Thank you
Two smart, insightful, young men talking, bring it on
Chris, thanks for having Matt on for a discussion again. He's one of my favorite guests of yours, and appreciate you both for being real and making me think.
I found this at the perfect time in my life. Thank you both SOOO much for making this, it truly changed my life!
In your 20’s you’re drunk with freedom in your 30’s you experience possibilities
In your 40’s you think you know better
In your 50’s you are now wise enough to know you know nothing so you forgive others and treat yourself better. Good self talk helps less self criticism is the key. Things start coming your way. It gets better lads.
I enjoyed the conversation , it is about so much more than love life. Somewhere at the end, when you approached the question of identity and Mathew's philosophy on taking care of the human, so much reminded of a song by Nina Simone : Ain't Got No, I Got Life. Different times, different context but deals with the same deep fundamental personal struggle. Thank you for bringing that topic and for the heart-felt sharing.
The title has made me feel
Less lonely.
Stop being lonely, I’m cured.
Men and women tell me often they cannot believe I am a bachelor(57). I am just happier single, so far.
Never stop Never stopping
I'm in the same position. Constantly being told that I'm a catch. Ironically the same woman that say that are the same ones that won't date me because I "didn't have the "hot chemistry"", "didn't generate spark ", " don't have the right look" etc.
It drove me up the wall for the longest time and even interviewed a PUA for lessons, but he turned out to be a douche during the interview process.
I'm coming to terms that God gave me the "ick" to compensate for the other gifts that he gave me.
@@Cee_EffI can pull women, I just don't care about it anymore. The ones that are 10-20 years younger are attractive to me, and I can pull some of them also, but most of them are just awful people.
They're seething that you're not some piggy bank for an old spinster 🤣
Yes dating is so much the same all the time and pretty joyless and dispiriting. Why bother extending a boring date longer ?
I’m a bit older, and it seems that women have changed. I have lots of lady friends, but none of them are interested in love. They seem happy being alone and only having superficial contacts. It’s quite disheartening. What to do? Give up and just die from uselessness?
@@TuffLuv1984no. He should work on being the best version of himself and the right women will be attracted to him. Trying to figure out how to not drain her energy is such a codependent thing to say. Maybe she is a drain on his energy? But with your suggestion, he will think he’s the problem in the situation when maybe he’s not. Maybe it’s just the wrong person for him. Working on his mindset is probably one thing he can do though.
This is my favourite podcast interview on this channel
@56:55 agh, that cut. Thats my avoidant M.O. , I can’t express my needs, but now I’m hurt, and so I’m just going to end things with you. The last guy I dated I said we were done about 2-3 times and each time he asked me if I would come over and talk to him in person, then he’d reassure me about things and I’d be fine. But every time I got hurt, it wasn’t, “I’m going to tell him I’m hurt and talk to him about it” it was, “this has to be over now”. Not my first experience with that at all.
The part from 1:44:43-1:48:55 was truly novel and beautiful.
Chris, you're doing amazing job. No doubt one of the best podcaster nowadays!
Great episode! A journey that begins from within is the answer. For me, radical acceptance of who I am and who I'm moving towards is ultimate confidence. It ensures I'm only on my path and not going into comparison mode.
Good for you for not taking it personal @ matthussey while on stage
6:20 😭 that was insanely helpful I feel sorta lost rn deciding between transferring colleges (again) and trying to grow my business I feel lost and lowk lonely and I felt like I was missing a girl but I’d rushing it for the wrong reason. W podcast thanks Chris
Admitting ur wrong is hard. But every time u admit ur wrong. It gets easyer cause u get over the pride part. Then when u see the results with ur partner that u came 2 a better understanding of each other and it buildings trust. And avoiding a unnecessary fight. U feel a pride that i tell the truth when i am wrong and u can admit it. Be the first 1 2 admit it in ur relationship and it can be a bridge.
just tearing up this entire episode😅 I've seen other recent episodes with Matthew and I've just been relating to so much of what he's had to say.. some good food for thought for sure, for my relationship with myself, my husband, and others
Try finding some people to be friends with in my place, good luck, have fun. Ohh and don't forget the 26 years of suffering to become wealthy. Don't forget the years that passed me by because of the shitty games and movies i watched. Don't forget the pain without love i never wished for, live it trough and come out unbroken. Once again God does not love me if It exists, and don't try to bullshit me again.Thank you!
This conversation held so many valuable points for me! Especially around the part of having difficult conversations. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
Lmfao Chris and his crocs 😅ahaha! Love it.
Matthew does not present as someone who is perfect, and has everything . I believe his book is who he is, using his own experiences without intimate details 👍