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No it's not abuse. People who say it's abuse are just insecure. There's no greater sign of someone not wanting to talk, than not talking. Also, if someone ignores just leave them alone. I hate when people keep trying to talk to me when I ignore them because I sincerely despise them and don't want to deal with them.
Hi Carol: Sometimes it's not that simple--e.g. when the father of your children uses the silent treatment, or when your children themselves use the silent treatment or when your boss uses it. You might want to put a stop to the "treatment" while maintaining the relationship. Walking out the door is easy, but it's not always best.
@@McFraneth yes, you have to detach from caring about it while still being under the same roof. Not easy but if you've nowhere to go and no money when you get there, the only solution is to train yourself to not care that this one person in your life is not embarrassed to act in such a passive aggressive way. Good luck x
Passive aggression is indeed aggression. Got no patience for this type of behavior, and have more respect for ppl who speak up their mind (while civil) to work out differences.
When a person gives me the silent treatment, I usually like to permanently grant their wish. I won't be held emotionally hostage. Either communicate with me like an adult, or I will be done with the situation.
Great video! The one thing I have to disagree with is telling them ‘when you’re ready I’m here’. If they are using silence as punishment, then you remove yourself and then YOU decide when you’re ready to talk to them again, since they were the ones that started this passive aggressive ‘attack’. They don’t get to have that power
Monika, it's really not about power in this particular instance and it isn't about your punishing them by doing to them what they did to you. You can't cast out darkness with more darkness.
@@TheWizardOfWords as far as I knew everything was ok until it had been months than I asked if she was coming to visit as I moved states and she said in June . Than I hear nothing at all . No communication at all as to why . This is the second time and I refuse to go through this again .
agreed. If someone brings something heavy to me, I need time to process that, and I find that just saying that I received the letter or voicemail, etc, but I need a few days to respond works best for me. I’m a communicator but when too much is stacked up at one time, I slow down.
Yes in the first case they would typically communicate to you that they need some time, which is absolutely fine. But you can usually tell when someone is using silence to punish you, which is not fine
My mother did this to me for up to two weeks at a time when I was a child....along with physical abuse. I'm 55 years old now and realize that I frequently see myself and respond like a victim. IDK how to get through this. I find human interaction so threatening and painful. I have learned to be alone most of the time. That way I am not stressed by other people.
Michelle, of one thing I am certain, and it's the hardest thing to do in these situations--if you can work on forgiving your mother, it will relieve you of a great burden. Yours is a heartbreaking story and one that is repeated all too often. Unfortunately, broken people make for broken parents. And the result can be damaged children, unless you take control and refuse to be a victim. If you need help in getting away from victimhood, go for it. Please, don't give up. 55 is young and way too young to have to learn to be alone. Dan
Dan, Thanks for your response. It feels good to be heard. I won't stop trying to heal. I'm just tired and a little overwhelmed by people today. I love your videos. They are important to me. Thanks for helping. Big big hugs.
Michele, you are not alone! Same thing happened in my family. I struggled with forgiving my mother for decades because I couldn't find a way to do it that lasted. Look up Mario Martinez. He has a great technique for forgiveness that's helped me so much! I hope it can help you too.
Hi MsBettyR: I'm going to look up Mario Martinez as well. Forgiveness is important to health and happiness. I'd be happy to learn all I can on this topic. Thank you for taking a moment to respond to Michele. (I was eavesdropping.) Dan
I had a friend who took me to dinner and during that time he just decided to shut down and give me the silent treatment. I don't know why, but I never went back it felt creepy and abusive and he had no clue that that was creepy and abusive. He thought that's just how he gets his way . I've never seen him since even though he's calling. That's something I don't want in my life. When a person is new to me, I meet them at the destination/restaurant just in case.
I disagree. The silent treatment should be used as a last resort. If someone does not respond to respectful behavior and you have been fair. I use this tactic when someone is treating me me as if I am an endless source of patience and understanding.
this is good, but the problem is when you're married with small children you sometimes can't leave, have nowhere else to go, or don't want to wake up small children to take them with. Then it becomes a decisionmaking time if one should get a divorce or not if this keeps happening over and over. This is very serious, and this is what did cause me to leave my husband in the first place. Noone understands the reasoning since they didn't physically harm you.....emotional abuse is just as real.
Hi Bookmouse: I think more and more people are finally beginning to understand that this is a form of abuse and can be terrible to live with--especially if it is a spouse or a parent who is RELENTLESSLY giving you the silent treatment. And you are right that it becomes a much bigger problem when you are married with children, and can't easily give distance to the relationship. I'm happy for you that you ultimately were able to distance yourself from a spouse that would continually do this to you.
bookmouse770- I am so sorry you are in this position. Do you see a time in the foreseeable future when you CAN leave and be financially independent from your husband? Does he do this to your children? THAT is the dealbreaker right there for me-I won't put up with much concerning myself-but when it comes to my kids-NO WAY! This is so damaging to who they are and damages their feeling of self-worth. I am not in your shoes-but I know that I would not be able to tolerate it from my perspective. I would search for a way out and also get your kids into counseling. Would your husband go into counseling? I'm sure he doesn't think there's a problem. But you do have some degree of control. If there is not a way for you to be financially independent right now-start making plans for ways to be independent in the future when your kids are older. Meanwhile-take care of YOU and your kids. Seek counseling-read books on this matter and EMPOWER yourself and KNOW that you and your precious children do not deserve this.
Wow! Worked right away. I had unintentionally offended my bf and didn't know it. That's why he shut down, stopped talking to me. I used your advice and within less than a half hour he contacted me and we had a conversation about what happened. I apologized and told him that I wish he just would have told me that I had offended him. He told me that he needed time to calm down so he didn't say things out of anger. We talked about being respectful to one another going forward. And we are on the same page now, back to the I love you's 😍
The silent treatment is standard female behaviour, specially younger women love to do this type of bullshit drama. Instead of communicating what's wrong or what's upseting them they expect everyone else to read their minds.
Eliezer Well, I’m not young by any means! Just repeating the same thing I saw growing up. On this channel to gain knowledge and continue to improve in this life. It’s not a dress rehearsal so I’ll do what I can to learn and grow so that I can pass it on within my own circle of influence - and so on.
Amy Tupper that is big of you to admit that you're a giver of the silent treatment. But, I wonder do you know why you're giving that silent treatment? I have met people who do give the treatment, but I never asked why. I guess I didn't like them enough to care so I moved on, but won't always meet a person I don't care about enough. Adults anyway. I'm a lot better with children
I love this strategy, and wish I hard learned prior to being a victim of this abuse for a WHOLE YEAR by a coworker at a former employer. I would also add that if you have this conversation in private first and they don’t stop, you may need to ask a mediator (supervisor, HR, etc.) to be present for a second conversation.
An effective narcissist would be all over this, lol, unfortunately. If you're dealing with a narcissist, please don't waste your time explaining things to them and give them LOVE FROM A DISTANCE like this guy talks about at the end of the video.
Hi Happy. Hopefully if your boss is a true narcissist and making you miserable, Yes, you'll give the job distance. My communication strategies are not to be mistaken for psychiatric advice for handling truly mentally unbalanced people. These strategies are for people who are in a situation where others are treating them badly, but they are not being abused in the clinical sense of the term. Any real clinical abuser is a person from whom you should RUN. Communication strategies and psychiatric advice are two totally different things. The former is my field of expertise; the latter is something I would never presume to offer.
Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor Thanks for the clarification. It isn't a boss for me, but family and lovers... I attract narcissists. Learning how to speak to them without losing my own cool is a challenge. Nowadays I run from them but just yesterday my ex narc tracked me down just to speak with me and I was very uncomfortable. I won't get caught up on the legalities of a restraining order so I've just been nice (which I prefer to be to everyone) but he mistakes kindness for weakness, and interest.
I agree-this works well if it's someone with whom you don't have much contact (like a relative you see a few times per year). If you deal with someone like this daily-there needs to be a plan to gain freedom from them. Sadly, this doesn't work if a child is being abused in this manner. If you are a parent and are allowing someone to treat your child this way-make.it.stop! This is NOT okay! NEVER choose the well-being of your child in exchange for the company of an abusive adult. As a parent, your number one job is to protect your child's well-being. Someone who behaves like this is not good for your child or for YOU! Both you and your child/ren deserve MUCH better!
Silent treatment is a form of sulking. I usually say "Are you sulking now?" If I get no answer, then I say "I'll take that as a yes. So I'm out of here because if you can't tell me what I have done to make you sulk, then I am not interested." Then I leave. That usually provokes a reaction.😉 Aternatively, I say "Oh good. The silent treatment. Now I can get a word in edgeways" and then just laugh and carry on as normal. I use humour to defuse situations. It works, mostly.
I just find that kind of behaviour disrespectful, childish and annoying. I choose not to tolerate it. If someone upsets me, I tell them. Behaving like an adult is the best option. There is no need to sulk. However, behaving like an adult does not mean behaving like someone's reprimanding parent either. At the end of the day, no one can make you FEEL ANYTHING. You do have a choice in how you react. Of course, we are all different: just because I would not behave in a certain way does not mean that other people would not or should not.
You can simply say that you see, that the person is not ready to all and that you will talk to them , whenever they are ready. Then you leave and do not come back. As you do the same thing over and over again, it obviously does not work, the more so you let another person to control the situation a d that it is exactly what a narc wants. Just say that YOU are leaving and YOU will be ready to talk to them . And if you say it with a light heart and loving attitude, you will show how it should be. But if you state that HE /SHE gives you silent treatment, they just see that they got you. And they really did.
I resort to silence a lot as people tend to talk too much over the top of me. I'm glad you addressed that side of the problem as well since it tends to be a habit for a lot of people I work with.
I had a ex who would do the silent treatment, I would say What's wrong? Then after a time,he would Nothing don't worry about!,Then I would say oh good I'm glad I don't have to worry about it,see you later!..Got rid of that one ASAP.
I love love love your videos! I’m learning so much from them! Thank you! My parents did the silent treatment to each other growing up. It was awkward, weird and as an adult I do too, when someone insults me or embarrasses me or makes me mad. I shut down till I cool off. I hate the awkwardness. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I never knew it was emotional abuse. I always pray nobody notices that I’m not speaking to a certain person but they always do! Thank you for letting us know there are better ways of dealing with people!
Marisela, if someone is embarrassing or insulting you , and you walk away until you cool off, that is not emotional abuse. Now if you come back and don't speak to them for a MONTH, I'd say that is not a communication technique; it's shutting down and you would be better served by addressing the issue with the person who was insulting you. You could use a spotlight question such as "Was it your intent to embarrass me?" and my guess is that will lead to apologies all around. I apologize for not making it clear that if someone is digging at you, and you feel like blowing up, it is a very very good idea to step away from the conversation--but when you return, don't employ the silent treatment. I hope I've clarified my own thinking on this, Marisela. Thanks for writing and giving me a chance to be clearer. Dan
I don’t speak to some people at work unless it’s business because I will not tolerate their innuendos and backwards insults. I give them a few chances, then when I realize it will continue, I distance as far as possible. I think this is healthy for me.
"Don't permit it " How ? I cannot force her to speak to me, and isn't it considered begging ? When I'm given the silent treatment, I grey rock my narc, in a way that says "wether you talk or not to me is the same, it doesn't matter" I also think it's an opportunity to train on LC since I cannot leave her for now
Ostracision is obviously abusive, I don't know why people don't understand that. In my case i used to feel like there was something wrong with me for constantly being ignored. Then i got some cognitive behavioral training and found self esteem through it. Now whenever I'm ignored i just distance myself from the offender instead of hating myself for their bullshit.
I don’t know. I often stop engaging in conversation with a particular person in my life because it does, in fact follow a pattern. They are extremely forceful and relentless about their opinions that I feel my options are 1) agree with them entirely, 2) get into a giant fight or 3) stop engaging. I end up just closing off entirely, not to be abusive, but rather to protect my own mental health. I’ll usually murmur something like, “I see that you feel strongly about that,” and then try to change the subject to something benign. It’s exhausting.
Lynn, you're not describing the silent treatment. You are simply withdrawing for self-preservation--not intending to be hurtful. You are not punishing.
I told a significant person that when they did ABC (a criticism about my character) I felt hurt. It happened while my mom was on her death bed, & I was not able to be in my normal mode of helping support for that particular needy friend. I was honest and not hurtful at all. For 8 days the person gave the silent treatment, ignored what I shared. Instead of continuing to wait for response I sent a question asking if they were going to respond to it or not. Response was “no, I’m not going to respond, because I’m too hurt by ‘what you said’ “. Whole thing was flipped into me as being the offender. Since this person had continuously acted like the victim in just about all their relationships they’ve explained having with dozens of others, and I habitually had been the giver, the comforter, the main encourager, I should not have been surprised by the flip. But when I acted surprised that once again they not only played the victim but used that moment to manipulate, and play mind reader, throwing whopper insults, whopper accusations, and then basically telling me to “have a nice life” along with “goodbye” and that they were no longer going to be a “punching bag”, the accusations were so many and so very very far from reality that I was not able to respond. I did not have a history of speaking badly to the person, I was not selfish, I was not condescending, impatient, or unkind. All I could say to that friend that I had not ever had a conflict with in 12 years is “I got it. OK.”.i later received a tacky Christian self help video that introduced me to Jesus, “the one you’ve been waiting for all your life”. The sender knew I had been a string believer in Jesus for nearly 20 years. It was a passive aggressive insult to top off the others. I didn’t respond. I never heard back from them and it’s been one year. My mom died but that long time friend never asked if she made it out of ICU. All I could gather was that that friend was not as good of friend as they had liked to frequently tout the friendship was. It seemed to work only when they were on the receiving end of getting personal support from me. But whole thing flipped when I was in a place of needing compassion and understanding. I could have chased after them and tried to fix things but it appeared to be something that would likely repeat. I said my own goodbyes without any contact and I don’t believe it would be wise to go back. They made a choice to cut off the relationship without having one in person conversation. I guess I let them know that I heard them and I accepted what they said basically.
How about when your wife dissapear from small to no reason for 3 years? You ,dont know where she is and what is she doing? Cut off all contacs.. Finally if you send her email asking for explanation once in half year she reply " if you want claim divorce put papers to court i dont care" What the h..ll we are in , 40 , life is running - whats is it for ? Just after im realising she might be something called " vounerable covert natcistist with paranoia"
I gotta disagree with the 'allow' sentiment, cuz its a vague, dullard's philosophy. The odds are unfairly stacked in most of these situations, like a boss that is many years older than you and has control over your job giving you the silent treatment, which often gives them the gall to overstep the line in the first place. And if many cases, if you are a confident person and you check them, their ego gets even more threatened by you. I had this problem with many bosses, one in particular a man with massive inferiority complex that tried to get me fired when I did not accept his abusive behavior (kept giving me silent treatment and asking me personal questions when I repeatedly told him that makes me uncomfortable.) Lol, dude said I made racist comments, when he actually made said racist comments. He just thought it would stick to me cuz I'm white and he was black lol. I turned the tables on him in front of HR and he got in trouble instead!
A vague dullard's philosophy? Seductive Shovel, as a dullard may I still speak? Yes, I would use the word "allow" even in the situation you describe, because we always have choices. Sometimes they are not ideal; but we can always choose how we respond. Ultimately you found that out when you went to HR, right? You chose not to tolerate his abuse, even though he was your boss. You chose not to allow the abuse, and you took action. Good for you.
I was not calling you a dullard, Dan! I mean the philosophy is so vague that it can be victim-blaming. Kind of like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Not exactly, right? Plenty of things that don't kill you can scar you for life. If someone is a megalomaniac, it is not your fault who they chose to become, and how they choose to act.
And actually, in my case, my manager ambushed me in HR. He set me up to try to get me in trouble with them, he greatly underestimated my intelligence and speaking abilities though, so I turned the tables by being cool like Obama. He also told tried to get the HR woman in trouble with her boss because he didn't like her, by complaining that I said something bad about her (which I didn't.) So the lady hated me from the get go.
Hey Seductive-- I am not following you and since this topic is so important (and I'm happy you don't think I'm a dullard--I'll keep you away from my mother :) ) I would like to be clear. I'm not certain where victim-shaming or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" come in. Help me out here. Since I don't use words such as "fault" and "blame" I'm not sure how that plays into this either. The last thing I'd ever teach or believe is that people are at "fault" for how others behave (I do believe that we train people how to treat US, but that is a distinction with a huge difference, I'm sure you'd agree.) If you could clarify what you mean Seductive, I'll do the same. How's that? Dan
Sure Dan! I see this "it was your choice" sort of philosophy being tossed around all the time. You and a few other youtube channels I've found have actually effective advice for dealing with assholes and bullies, info that is pretty hard to find even in 2018! If there were some class in school we all were taught in America that had the skills you teach with effective and practical advice, that would be one thing, because we would all have the tools to assert ourselves and prepare for these situations. But American culture is by its nature very passive, and one of avoiding responsibility. So it is just such an easy out when someone in a position of power abuses an innocent and inexperienced person, to say it's the victims fault for not knowing how to protect themselves, because being from America, its part of our culture to be passive and ignore a bully/antagonizer, which you know is the worst response. Hence open season on the victim with the 'easy out' of "it's your fault for tolerating it. Not my problem." I relate to your principle of "what gets rewarded gets repeated." i think that is a way to take the personal responsibility of the victim out of the equation, and put it back on the bully, and start to understand the individual's psychology. There are laws against harassment and provocation, it is illegal to provoke someone, and that is the case in many bully, power abuse situations.
What if they're a narcissist and they do it on purpose, randomly ALL the time as a manipulation tactic just to gain control over you? So, if you, the interlocutor are not provoking it and the onus is clearly on THEM unequivocally, then how should you respond, assuming it's a relationship you're stuck with (at least for the time being until you are able to leave) such as parent/child, husband/wife, employee/boss, etc.?
@@walkbyfaith3362 -If it's a spouse-I would start looking for ways to achieve financial independence so that you can seek freedom. Start teaching your kids NOW that this behavior is not normal or okay in any way. Let them know that it is NOT their fault and they (or you) do not deserve to be treated in this manner. You don't want this cycle to be repeated. Meanwhile-get yourself in counseling and read all that you can on it. It will give you a broader perspective. It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the trenches.
Well you just excuse yourself and do what you do and ignore it. I tend to say "Ok, I'm not doing this." or just "Ok." and leave. And of course get away permanently as quickly as possible.
I don't tolerate passive-aggressive behavior. If I got to figure out what I did wrong because they won't tell me, and they are not responding to your sincere apologies and explanations, I end it.
It's not always possible to remove yourself from the room. Sometimes both individuals need to be there because of work or whatnot. I think it's important to discern the situation and often, simply going about your own business is best.
people who give the silent treatment are loners at heart . As one who does this If I quit talking to you it means I'M DONE leave me alone . The abusers to us are the one who feel the need to get a response from us . it is very distressing to us and breeds hate and contempt from us. We simply do not care anymore when you have driven us to the point of silence .
This is a great video! And it makes so much sense looking back on my childhood. My mom used the silent treatment all the time when my siblings and I were growing up. Sure enough, everyone in the family behaves like victims to this day! Children don't always have the option to leave though or say what you suggest. Do you have advise for kids suffering under this? I've received the silent treatment as work. It's usually after I've been assigned a great project or gotten recognition for doing a good job on something and a jealous co-worker gets angry. Because I don't require the need to talk and be chatty at work, I'm relieved when ppl like that stop talking to me. They're typically toxic ppl anyway. But the negative affect comes when those ppl are in control of important info that they don't share with me. Then it becomes tricky because then it's a power play. Luckily, I've always been able to work around them. Total waste of energy though.
MsBettyR, my heart goes out to children who have to endure this from parents. You're right when you say these particular methods are generally for adults. To a child enduring this horrific behavior from immature parents I would say "Honey, as you put up with this behavior, remember three things. 1. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, even though it feels like it is. This horrific behavior is about whoever is exhibiting it. 2. TRY TO FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS, and remember you forgive them for YOUR sake, not theirs--so you can carry on with your life. And 3. When you are an adult, BREAK THE CYCLE and treat your own children with love and understanding. Of course the advice would be for parents doing this--they're the ones with the problem. But their problem is poured out on their children and that is tragic. Dan
Chuckle...you're like me, maybe. I can get quite sanctimonious in an argument. I am trying to be more honest with myself about my feelings and this tendemcy to do this
There is also a difference when someone gives someone else the silent treatment when someone else is badgering them into giving an answer that they want to hear. Especially when the person has calmly explained that they did not want to discuss the topic because they didn't want to accept their reasoning at all. It would be helpful to know how to properly handle someone who can't accept someone else's opinion or answer to the question that was presented.
Right... This might work with normal thinking people but unfortunately is useless with narcissists. And how you deal with text messaging silent treatment when they block you out of the blue? Then unblock you just to insult you then block you again? Then text you hours later pretending nothing happened and if you bring back the subject block you again. My solution is: NO CONTACT!! GOODBYE!
8:30 Has anyone you know ever changed their mind after you said that to them ? I can hardly imagine anyone answering : Omg, yes, you're right, I was being passive aggressively abusing with you and it made you feel bad, now I feel bad about it, and it has enhanced my compassion levels, i will definitely be more considerate in the future. This happens in the movies with morals, not in real life.
this is good tips if your dealing with a normal person... (to say to a narcissist that the silent treatment is a form of abuse would be to admit that they are doing things right.)
True, the surfin. But if you're dealing with a true narcissist, I'd have to wonder what benefit you are getting from the relationship in the first place.
@@TheWizardOfWordsTo be fair your video didn't mention narcissist, i just got directed here after watching some clips about narcs. In first place / the benefits... Of course you don't get any benefits, you get misery and you will be tired. But sadly sometimes life can be a bit complex... I guess those that are in a relationship and isn't to tied up (e.g. children), if you suspect your partner to be a narcissist - Run! But even in that (easy) case I think it's still easier said than done to leave. The narcissist is a maestro at this game and if he or she doesn't wont you to leave there will be a no holds barred fight. Everything you are, everything you said, what you like/ dislike, your friends and family, guess even threats in some cases will be used against you... But yes I agree - Run, it's better to take some damage and be free. Lick your wounds... When it comes to a family member a parent in my case, it can be a bit more tricky to leave. First of all your life can be intertwined, area, relatives and so on. Second you have been programmed since childhood to put yourself on hold, it can be hard to break that habit. Third I my case the times i have broken contact I have been forced to break not only with the narcissist but also a big chunk of my family. If your okay with that, well it doesn't stop there, no - e.g. when i was a kid my pet cat might "run away" some days after I had told my parent to f*** off (guess hidden and looked away in the basement). Parent - will you help me to search for the kitten? As a kid it can be hard to be hard and say - f*** that kitten, I don't care. As a grown up my grandfather / grandmother might have a well-timed stroke and had to go by ambulance to hospital, (both where victims, they lived in fear and danced to the narcissist every tune, they could have a fake stroke on demand (they had some real strokes also, hard to know from start when real, when fake)). And even if it isn't fake e.g. this autumn my grandmother died, when rest-home called to say i needed to come, yes i guess i had a choice be a cold bastard and say screw it I wont hold her hand the last week because that means i have to met my narcissistic parent, but then its the legal stuff, estate inventory and that you cant escape... Yada, yada, yada... Breaking with a family member isn't impossible but it can be hard, trust me, I live like 8 hour drive away and its still hard. (And even when I've gone on a five year radio silence, that isn't a victory it's a tragedy). Again this is life and life can sometimes be a bit complex...
@@thesurfinsuricate You are so right; I simplified the matter. There are situations in which running would be to your detriment, so you have to learn to defend yourself from the narcissist getting into your head. I do hope you can find a professional to help you cope because you just outlined a TON of relationship challenges. Please seek the help of someone you can trust and talk to on a regular basis. You can't change the narcissist so you have to change how you're seeing him/her and how you are reacting. You can only change YOU (which you no doubt already know by now) but it sounds as though you need some help doing this, before you drive yourself bat sh** crazy.
@@TheWizardOfWords No problemo! Thankfully i manage to cope, haven't gone bananas yet hehe ;) Loots of people have it far worse than me. -Change how you're seeing him/her, so true. -You can only change YOU, also true. thx and best regards from Europe.
It's abuse period. Don't respond. Move on and never accept that behavior from anyone. You deserve better and it's not your job to educate them or try to get through to them because you will not be able to. Your happiness is your responsibility and their happiness is theirs. You will waste years of your life on that garbage abuse. If you can not move on then seek help for yourself because you also have issues that keep you coming back for more.
Actually I had a situation with a collegue since then she start talking harsh to me despite me trying to be polite and trying to speak establish the relationship. But she is harsh and sometimes shoot at me and sometimes just insult me when we are working and I (in her opinion) did something wrong. So I started fleeing the contact with her to the point today we don't talk. So am I giving her the silence treatment. I mean at some point I am just not comfortable talking to her because I'm afraid she will start again
Tanda, you aren't giving her the silent treatment. That is something imposed upon the "offender" as a punishment. From what you described, you are giving the relationship what it needs--distance. And that is PERFECTLY fine :)
@@TheWizardOfWords now she has quit the job i just wish her good luck. I'm just sad we didn't have a better relationship. But i want to thank you your video are really helping interact more confidently with people.
I really appreciate your videos Dan (recent subscriber!) and am learning SO much (especially from the specific scripts and examples you give) about how to deal with more "normal" people (i.e. non personality disordered). At the same time I can relate to many of the comments from folks here who are in relationships with cluster B personality types, having been married to one (and unfortunately, for me, with whom I currently 'co parent') and also raised by parents who have many traits of narcissism/emotional immaturity. Many years of therapy and continued hard work. Your video would have been hard for me to swallow a few years ago and might have set me toward further harm with people around me at that time. I have skimmed through some of the comments and can relate to folks who may be triggered by this video. Discerning who you are dealing with and their patterns of behaviour is so key. I have a great job (and very fortunate as single moms go I realize) but I find I struggle greatly with navigating the 'normal' social stuff that comes along in work settings and friendships. Asserting myself and bringing "me" out more verbally is hard to do. Would love to see more videos on this. I am glad to continue my personal development with you. TH-cam rocks.
Phoenix see I work part time because I have 2 little kids at home, I have a sneaking suspicion that my coworker has badmouthed me to the other 2 women in my department as those 2 have been less friendly to me, I know they are not important enough to stress about, but it’s still an isolating experience
If you were wronged, forgiveness is not being ok with the bad behavior. Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment. It's for you to live your life in peace.
I disagree with his first premise because when you try to get them to talk and they don't it gives them the knowledge that you can't do without them and talking to them and that's a tool they can use to leverage against you.
I have done it myself to people. It was done to me at work ,even tho I apologized early on the silent treatment went on ,the shift was 13 hours long. I can honestly say it was the worst shift of my life and it was very painful. I learned how incredibly horrible it is to do that to someone. My apology was early on and still the person continued to let me suffer in silence. I will never forget it as long as I live and I would like to think if someone apologized to me I would not let them continue to suffer.
The silent treatment is far worse than yelling. When someone is overtly angry and yells, you have an opportunity to respond. The silent treatment is not only mean and passive-aggressive, it is childish.
Yes, that's something new that Google is doing, but on the other hand, it allows me to continue to offer these videos without charge. It's not ideal, but there is a benefit to both of us Armadilly. Dan
Purrfect reminder!! Always very helpful and so purrfectly timed! Just happened this morning, and I feel I handled it less than graciously. I stated; Really? No comment is your response? I'm done here. I did not redirect at all and I am certain that was interpreted as being angry or snippy verses frustrated and hurt. It is very difficult to back track and redirect correctly with the missed opportunity. However, that is on me, not the other party. Again, thank you!
Wow...I'd say u nailed it! I'm thinking sometimes, if ur too open, and reveal your hurt n frustration, it cd be a big win for certain ppl. ps...I'm not really qualified to identify narcissistic behavior, but it IS a fascinating research topic.
This works unless it is your adult kds...the apologizr piece for whatever they blame you for, but continue to call once a week or write atleast and remind them of your love for them
My mil and I were having an inconsequential conversation and when it was my turn, I expressed my opinion which she disagreed with. When I attempted to explain my rationale, she stuck her chin up in the air and turned her head. At which point I said “Oh, I see we’re no longer on speaking terms and I stood up and marched out of the room. Immediately she began to call after me. She is an esfj with a driver style. I ignored her until she approached me and attempted to bribe with with some cheap junky jewelry.🤣🤣🤣Next time I’ll tell her when she’s ready to act like an adult, we can resume the conversation before I March out of the room.
Hi Abi: You might come out and ask "You are not speaking to me. Can you tell me why?" If they refuse to answer-- watch the video again and act accordingly . . . . :)
Hey Candee--You can toss all the coins at me that you want, and you can do it at www.danoconnortraining.com/ where you can download my Top Ten Danger and PowerPhrases FOR FREE, CANDEE, just for subscribing. Can't beat it with a stick.
This is common with groups of people. Someone might unintentionally say something stupid or make a joke that's not funny and everybody get's quiet to make that person feel awkward. Sometimes people will combine this with gaslighting when you try to call this behavior out.
Emotionally Immature person is who you're dealing with. A 👶 essentially in a grown person's body 😄. Treat them as such. I love the quiet game! Only because I know the purpose of it and why a person chooses this method.
I’m just at the point where.. I don’t want to wait for them to be ready to talk. Because I rather just end all access. However, I do like his approach on addressing the issue with the partner.
My brother (golden child turned narcissist) has stopped talking to me about 5 times. He comes back when he wants to. I walk on eggshells until he stops talking to me again.
I give silent treatment when i get yelled at and expect an apology. I’m not letting it slide but i will also not ask for an apology while they very well know what they did. I hate getting yelled at. If they don’t apologize, i will just remove myself from them and find better company that doesn’t yell.
A male friend of mine all of a sudden stopped talking to me for two months(it happened twice),i never contacted him,so one day he called and was talking to me As if nothing happened. As we were conversing,he called me an ass@#€%,thats how i knew my not going after/contacting him,Infuriated him. After some time he gave me another silent treatment for 1 year...i never contacted him.Then he sent me a message asking how i was,i never replied.
Dan, I just found your channel recently and it is so very interesting. Sometimes, when it comes to communication, we may be dealing with undiagnosed autism or nonverbal issues. Some people with these issues are functional in other areas. Some Introverts, from what I read, get exhausted around people. Am not medical person - only what I read from some experts.
Act as if person is dead and go on with your life. Even if he or she starts talking , since he or she is dead for you now give him or her silent treatment. A**holes deserve that. 😂 Celebrate your freedom. Even if they are giving silent treatment because you did something, onus is on them to tell you that. Why assume you have done something wrong. If they don't tell and resort to punish you directly, they are immature.
My husband uses it 2control the topics thatR discussed in our home, if i comply, he will have successfully dominated, & he will escalate silence 4control
What to do when you get the silent treatment at work? Not everyone is going to like eachother but at least be respectful and I’m not getting that at work. I’m not going to kiss peoples butts or be a people pleaser. I am polite but it’s disrespectful to do to someone outright
I am best friends with two priests. They constantly accuse me of giving them silent treatment. How can I be vocal when they are taking turns in my mouth?
Wow this is so powerful. You are amazing. I got it. You almost make me cry. I was wondering why I been hurting so much. My chest hurts he gave the silent treatment last weekend. It was horrible he is a person I been talking for 9 months. And he didn't talk w me for 3 days. And I felt horrible my chest was hurting I became hopeless. I felt anxious I felt literary my heart was hurting me. And I been hurting and praying and praying and praying. This really hurts me. I been doing a lot a research. But today I found your video. And you are the only one that talks about. The chemicals release and it is true. I been feeling like a victim. Thank you so much. God bless you. And thank you for the revelation. Praise God.
Laughing “my spouse hasn’t talked to me in a week. They checked out of the relationship” Nope, that’s mental and emotional abuse. It’s CONTROL and it’s NOT funny. Unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain war to someone who’s never been to war, you just won’t understand
I had a marriage and deal the silent treatment on a weekly basis. I ignored her as well. 5ths relationship did not last. Is horrible to go through that.
I only ever gave one person the silent treatment and that was my xh because he wouldn't compromise. ALL of the 'cost' of parenthood (practical, financial, emotional) had to be mine!! I tried to negotiate to gain some ground but I just wasn't heard so I didn't feel like giving him my personality iyswim. I never do it now. I never would do it again. I recognise now that it's what happens when your voice isn't being heard.
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Don’t engage with the person that is doing the silent treatment it’s a form of abuse
Hist Ory Good stay away I don’t like that passive aggressive nonsense...they are looking for a reaction...don’t respond ignore
I have a person at work giving me the silent treatment I just ignore and stay away her
No it's not abuse. People who say it's abuse are just insecure. There's no greater sign of someone not wanting to talk, than not talking. Also, if someone ignores just leave them alone. I hate when people keep trying to talk to me when I ignore them because I sincerely despise them and don't want to deal with them.
O'Shen's View it’s carnival season but I got a comment for you but right now me wine
@@nylaspeaks7272 Is the comment gonna be super long? Simplicity gets it.
Silent treatment is all about control!!
Walk out the door and never look back. I won't put up with that kind of nonsense!
Hi Carol: Sometimes it's not that simple--e.g. when the father of your children uses the silent treatment, or when your children themselves use the silent treatment or when your boss uses it. You might want to put a stop to the "treatment" while maintaining the relationship. Walking out the door is easy, but it's not always best.
Lucky you for being economically independent and with your own lovely home. I'm not.
@@McFraneth yes, you have to detach from caring about it while still being under the same roof. Not easy but if you've nowhere to go and no money when you get there, the only solution is to train yourself to not care that this one person in your life is not embarrassed to act in such a passive aggressive way. Good luck x
This should be taught in school. Emotional abuse is often overlooked.
yes, thinking what I would tell a child , ask what is wrong and if they keep giving you the silent treatment, find someone else to play with!
Manners should be taught by parents. The schools job is reading, writing, and arithmetic.
Passive aggression is indeed aggression. Got no patience for this type of behavior, and have more respect for ppl who speak up their mind (while civil) to work out differences.
When a person gives me the silent treatment, I usually like to permanently grant their wish. I won't be held emotionally hostage. Either communicate with me like an adult, or I will be done with the situation.
Great video! The one thing I have to disagree with is telling them ‘when you’re ready I’m here’. If they are using silence as punishment, then you remove yourself and then YOU decide when you’re ready to talk to them again, since they were the ones that started this passive aggressive ‘attack’. They don’t get to have that power
Monika, it's really not about power in this particular instance and it isn't about your punishing them by doing to them what they did to you. You can't cast out darkness with more darkness.
@@TheWizardOfWords as far as I knew everything was ok until it had been months than I asked if she was coming to visit as I moved states and she said in June . Than I hear nothing at all . No communication at all as to why . This is the second time and I refuse to go through this again .
I think there is a difference between someone who needs time to think (be silent to think properly) and using silence against someone to punish them.
Absolutely and I hope I addressed that sufficiently throughout the video. There is all the difference in the world between these two things.
Dan
Michele....agree but that has to be communicated in a loving and respectful way and a timeline should be shared and honoured.
agreed. If someone brings something heavy to me, I need time to process that, and I find that just saying that I received the letter or voicemail, etc, but I need a few days to respond works best for me. I’m a communicator but when too much is stacked up at one time, I slow down.
Yes in the first case they would typically communicate to you that they need some time, which is absolutely fine. But you can usually tell when someone is using silence to punish you, which is not fine
Punishment it is! Silent treatment because you won't kiss their a$$.
I find emotional abuse worse than physical abuse.I have been thru both of them.
I agree! I have been through both too
Indeed it is. Nothing hurts as much as heartbreak.
Also, narcissists are good at this
Silent Treatment z the NARCISSISTS SPECIALTY!!!
A narcissists is great at this
Yes, yet they cannot bear it when you do it to them. Sweetest revenge on earth against the demons.
My mother did this to me for up to two weeks at a time when I was a child....along with physical abuse. I'm 55 years old now and realize that I frequently see myself and respond like a victim. IDK how to get through this. I find human interaction so threatening and painful. I have learned to be alone most of the time. That way I am not stressed by other people.
Michelle, of one thing I am certain, and it's the hardest thing to do in these situations--if you can work on forgiving your mother, it will relieve you of a great burden. Yours is a heartbreaking story and one that is repeated all too often. Unfortunately, broken people make for broken parents. And the result can be damaged children, unless you take control and refuse to be a victim. If you need help in getting away from victimhood, go for it. Please, don't give up. 55 is young and way too young to have to learn to be alone.
Dan
Dan, Thanks for your response. It feels good to be heard. I won't stop trying to heal. I'm just tired and a little overwhelmed by people today. I love your videos. They are important to me. Thanks for helping. Big big hugs.
Michele, you are not alone! Same thing happened in my family. I struggled with forgiving my mother for decades because I couldn't find a way to do it that lasted. Look up Mario Martinez. He has a great technique for forgiveness that's helped me so much! I hope it can help you too.
Hi MsBettyR: I'm going to look up Mario Martinez as well. Forgiveness is important to health and happiness. I'd be happy to learn all I can on this topic. Thank you for taking a moment to respond to Michele. (I was eavesdropping.)
Dan
I got this from my mother as well......then when my x did this I couldn't take it, I understand.
I had a friend who took me to dinner and during that time he just decided to shut down and give me the silent treatment. I don't know why, but I never went back it felt creepy and abusive and he had no clue that that was creepy and abusive. He thought that's just how he gets his way . I've never seen him since even though he's calling. That's something I don't want in my life. When a person is new to me, I meet them at the destination/restaurant just in case.
The silent treatment is a weak person's ammo. It's someone who has poor communication skills. It's NOT a highly intelligent individual.
This! Weak, Poor, Immature and Pathetic.
I disagree. The silent treatment should be used as a last resort. If someone does not respond to respectful behavior and you have been fair. I use this tactic when someone is treating me me as if I am an endless source of patience and understanding.
@@thenewyorkcitizen Agree, but that's a different circumstance.
@@thenewyorkcitizen we call those people energy vampires
No kidding! Dumber that a doorknob!!
If you use the silent treatment tactics. Go get professional help. Until then I consider you a vilan.
😂🤣🤣
this is good, but the problem is when you're married with small children you sometimes can't leave, have nowhere else to go, or don't want to wake up small children to take them with. Then it becomes a decisionmaking time if one should get a divorce or not if this keeps happening over and over. This is very serious, and this is what did cause me to leave my husband in the first place. Noone understands the reasoning since they didn't physically harm you.....emotional abuse is just as real.
Hi Bookmouse: I think more and more people are finally beginning to understand that this is a form of abuse and can be terrible to live with--especially if it is a spouse or a parent who is RELENTLESSLY giving you the silent treatment. And you are right that it becomes a much bigger problem when you are married with children, and can't easily give distance to the relationship. I'm happy for you that you ultimately were able to distance yourself from a spouse that would continually do this to you.
bookmouse770- I am so sorry you are in this position. Do you see a time in the foreseeable future when you CAN leave and be financially independent from your husband? Does he do this to your children? THAT is the dealbreaker right there for me-I won't put up with much concerning myself-but when it comes to my kids-NO WAY! This is so damaging to who they are and damages their feeling of self-worth. I am not in your shoes-but I know that I would not be able to tolerate it from my perspective. I would search for a way out and also get your kids into counseling. Would your husband go into counseling? I'm sure he doesn't think there's a problem. But you do have some degree of control. If there is not a way for you to be financially independent right now-start making plans for ways to be independent in the future when your kids are older. Meanwhile-take care of YOU and your kids. Seek counseling-read books on this matter and EMPOWER yourself and KNOW that you and your precious children do not deserve this.
Glad you left. It doesn’t get better just longer
bookmouse770 i know exactly how u feel.
Absolutely.
Wow! Worked right away. I had unintentionally offended my bf and didn't know it. That's why he shut down, stopped talking to me. I used your advice and within less than a half hour he contacted me and we had a conversation about what happened. I apologized and told him that I wish he just would have told me that I had offended him. He told me that he needed time to calm down so he didn't say things out of anger. We talked about being respectful to one another going forward. And we are on the same page now, back to the I love you's 😍
Wonderful to hear Oh For. Thanks for letting me know :)
Dan
Oh s#$t! I’m a disher of the silent treatment! Gotta figure out how to stop being this way. I didn’t know it was so abusive.......very Eye opening!
Good for you for seeing an opportunity to improve and take action! That's awesome and a beautiful trait to have.
The silent treatment is standard female behaviour, specially younger women love to do this type of bullshit drama. Instead of communicating what's wrong or what's upseting them they expect everyone else to read their minds.
Eliezer Well, I’m not young by any means! Just repeating the same thing I saw growing up. On this channel to gain knowledge and continue to improve in this life. It’s not a dress rehearsal so I’ll do what I can to learn and grow so that I can pass it on within my own circle of influence - and so on.
Eliezer I've seen pleanty of men do this, don't hate we are all here to learn how to be better :)
Amy Tupper that is big of you to admit that you're a giver of the silent treatment. But, I wonder do you know why you're giving that silent treatment? I have met people who do give the treatment, but I never asked why. I guess I didn't like them enough to care so I moved on, but won't always meet a person I don't care about enough. Adults anyway. I'm a lot better with children
I do leave after a week of silent treatment. But I left forever
I did too!
I love this strategy, and wish I hard learned prior to being a victim of this abuse for a WHOLE YEAR by a coworker at a former employer. I would also add that if you have this conversation in private first and they don’t stop, you may need to ask a mediator (supervisor, HR, etc.) to be present for a second conversation.
An effective narcissist would be all over this, lol, unfortunately. If you're dealing with a narcissist, please don't waste your time explaining things to them and give them LOVE FROM A DISTANCE like this guy talks about at the end of the video.
Hi Happy. Hopefully if your boss is a true narcissist and making you miserable, Yes, you'll give the job distance. My communication strategies are not to be mistaken for psychiatric advice for handling truly mentally unbalanced people. These strategies are for people who are in a situation where others are treating them badly, but they are not being abused in the clinical sense of the term. Any real clinical abuser is a person from whom you should RUN. Communication strategies and psychiatric advice are two totally different things. The former is my field of expertise; the latter is something I would never presume to offer.
Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor Thanks for the clarification. It isn't a boss for me, but family and lovers... I attract narcissists. Learning how to speak to them without losing my own cool is a challenge. Nowadays I run from them but just yesterday my ex narc tracked me down just to speak with me and I was very uncomfortable. I won't get caught up on the legalities of a restraining order so I've just been nice (which I prefer to be to everyone) but he mistakes kindness for weakness, and interest.
I agree-this works well if it's someone with whom you don't have much contact (like a relative you see a few times per year). If you deal with someone like this daily-there needs to be a plan to gain freedom from them. Sadly, this doesn't work if a child is being abused in this manner. If you are a parent and are allowing someone to treat your child this way-make.it.stop! This is NOT okay! NEVER choose the well-being of your child in exchange for the company of an abusive adult. As a parent, your number one job is to protect your child's well-being. Someone who behaves like this is not good for your child or for YOU! Both you and your child/ren deserve MUCH better!
@@cl6239 ,next time u say to ur ex...I m busy ,gotta go somewhere...bye,nd leave immediately
Silent treatment is a form of sulking. I usually say "Are you sulking now?" If I get no answer, then I say "I'll take that as a yes. So I'm out of here because if you can't tell me what I have done to make you sulk, then I am not interested." Then I leave. That usually provokes a reaction.😉 Aternatively, I say "Oh good. The silent treatment. Now I can get a word in edgeways" and then just laugh and carry on as normal. I use humour to defuse situations. It works, mostly.
rymd, you are not putting up with it, and that's the main thing. It sounds as though you've found a pattern that works for you!
Dan
you are an abuser
Really? I see it differently. Can you tell me ram1brn why you would say that to rymd pojke??
I just find that kind of behaviour disrespectful, childish and annoying. I choose not to tolerate it. If someone upsets me, I tell them. Behaving like an adult is the best option. There is no need to sulk. However, behaving like an adult does not mean behaving like someone's reprimanding parent either. At the end of the day, no one can make you FEEL ANYTHING. You do have a choice in how you react. Of course, we are all different: just because I would not behave in a certain way does not mean that other people would not or should not.
You can simply say that you see, that the person is not ready to all and that you will talk to them , whenever they are ready. Then you leave and do not come back. As you do the same thing over and over again, it obviously does not work, the more so you let another person to control the situation a d that it is exactly what a narc wants. Just say that YOU are leaving and YOU will be ready to talk to them . And if you say it with a light heart and loving attitude, you will show how it should be. But if you state that HE /SHE gives you silent treatment, they just see that they got you. And they really did.
I resort to silence a lot as people tend to talk too much over the top of me. I'm glad you addressed that side of the problem as well since it tends to be a habit for a lot of people I work with.
Me, too! If ppl interrupt, I'll immediately stop, even mid-word. Usually gets their attention, and they allow me to continue.
I can relate!
When someone starts interrupting you when you're talking, don't stop talking until you finish your statement. I tried it and it works.
But technically this not “the silent treatment”-that’s different.
This is a very great video, I have experienced this before and it hurts really bad. Growing up and in a relationship.
I had a ex who would do the silent treatment, I would say What's wrong? Then after a time,he would Nothing don't worry about!,Then I would say oh good I'm glad I don't have to worry about it,see you later!..Got rid of that one ASAP.
I love love love your videos! I’m learning so much from them! Thank you! My parents did the silent treatment to each other growing up. It was awkward, weird and as an adult I do too, when someone insults me or embarrasses me or makes me mad. I shut down till I cool off. I hate the awkwardness. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I never knew it was emotional abuse. I always pray nobody notices that I’m not speaking to a certain person but they always do! Thank you for letting us know there are better ways of dealing with people!
Marisela, if someone is embarrassing or insulting you , and you walk away until you cool off, that is not emotional abuse. Now if you come back and don't speak to them for a MONTH, I'd say that is not a communication technique; it's shutting down and you would be better served by addressing the issue with the person who was insulting you. You could use a spotlight question such as "Was it your intent to embarrass me?" and my guess is that will lead to apologies all around. I apologize for not making it clear that if someone is digging at you, and you feel like blowing up, it is a very very good idea to step away from the conversation--but when you return, don't employ the silent treatment. I hope I've clarified my own thinking on this, Marisela. Thanks for writing and giving me a chance to be clearer.
Dan
The funny thing is when women give men the silent treatment, it usually takes the man a few hours to realize that the woman has stopped talking! 🤔
Guy: talks for an hour straight
Woman: listens but gets interupted or spoken over
Guy: wow I feel like I really know you
Is this because he’s not listening to begin with?
I have a friend like this,she used to get always this "my way".but now i stopped reaching out and i'm done.
I don’t speak to some people at work unless it’s business because I will not tolerate their innuendos and backwards insults. I give them a few chances, then when I realize it will continue, I distance as far as possible. I think this is healthy for me.
I think it's healthy for ANYONE who can distance themselves from toxicity to do so. I'm with you :)
A 4 year old I work with said it perfectly when a child would not talk to her, she said IT IS MEAN!
Yep I did. I have just pulled myself away completely. Our relationship is totally broken down.
"Don't permit it "
How ? I cannot force her to speak to me, and isn't it considered begging ?
When I'm given the silent treatment, I grey rock my narc, in a way that says "wether you talk or not to me is the same, it doesn't matter"
I also think it's an opportunity to train on LC since I cannot leave her for now
Ostracision is obviously abusive, I don't know why people don't understand that. In my case i used to feel like there was something wrong with me for constantly being ignored. Then i got some cognitive behavioral training and found self esteem through it. Now whenever I'm ignored i just distance myself from the offender instead of hating myself for their bullshit.
They do understand, that is why they are doing that.
Thank you for this response.
No its a form of power tactic,Thats why real power is not depending or not needing people.
That is what spirituality is.
I don’t know. I often stop engaging in conversation with a particular person in my life because it does, in fact follow a pattern. They are extremely forceful and relentless about their opinions that I feel my options are 1) agree with them entirely, 2) get into a giant fight or 3) stop engaging. I end up just closing off entirely, not to be abusive, but rather to protect my own mental health. I’ll usually murmur something like, “I see that you feel strongly about that,” and then try to change the subject to something benign. It’s exhausting.
Lynn, you're not describing the silent treatment. You are simply withdrawing for self-preservation--not intending to be hurtful. You are not punishing.
I told a significant person that when they did ABC (a criticism about my character) I felt hurt. It happened while my mom was on her death bed, & I was not able to be in my normal mode of helping support for that particular needy friend. I was honest and not hurtful at all. For 8 days the person gave the silent treatment, ignored what I shared. Instead of continuing to wait for response I sent a question asking if they were going to respond to it or not. Response was “no, I’m not going to respond, because I’m too hurt by ‘what you said’ “. Whole thing was flipped into me as being the offender. Since this person had continuously acted like the victim in just about all their relationships they’ve explained having with dozens of others, and I habitually had been the giver, the comforter, the main encourager, I should not have been surprised by the flip. But when I acted surprised that once again they not only played the victim but used that moment to manipulate, and play mind reader, throwing whopper insults, whopper accusations, and then basically telling me to “have a nice life” along with “goodbye” and that they were no longer going to be a “punching bag”, the accusations were so many and so very very far from reality that I was not able to respond. I did not have a history of speaking badly to the person, I was not selfish, I was not condescending, impatient, or unkind. All I could say to that friend that I had not ever had a conflict with in 12 years is “I got it. OK.”.i later received a tacky Christian self help video that introduced me to Jesus, “the one you’ve been waiting for all your life”. The sender knew I had been a string believer in Jesus for nearly 20 years. It was a passive aggressive insult to top off the others. I didn’t respond.
I never heard back from them and it’s been one year. My mom died but that long time friend never asked if she made it out of ICU.
All I could gather was that that friend was not as good of friend as they had liked to frequently tout the friendship was. It seemed to work only when they were on the receiving end of getting personal support from me. But whole thing flipped when I was in a place of needing compassion and understanding. I could have chased after them and tried to fix things but it appeared to be something that would likely repeat. I said my own goodbyes without any contact and I don’t believe it would be wise to go back. They made a choice to cut off the relationship without having one in person conversation. I guess I let them know that I heard them and I accepted what they said basically.
How about when your wife dissapear from small to no reason for 3 years? You ,dont know where she is and what is she doing? Cut off all contacs.. Finally if you send her email asking for explanation once in half year she reply " if you want claim divorce put papers to court i dont care" What the h..ll we are in , 40 , life is running - whats is it for ? Just after im realising she might be something called " vounerable covert natcistist with paranoia"
I disagree..i give the silent treatment to rude condescending people, not to punish..they deserve it
Uhhh, Barry--what is it they "deserve"? Could it be punishment for being rude and condescending? Your words seem to indicate that, Barry.
Do they deserve a "You're dead to me." That's what silent treatment means.
You are becoming the rude and condescending person by doing that.
I gotta disagree with the 'allow' sentiment, cuz its a vague, dullard's philosophy. The odds are unfairly stacked in most of these situations, like a boss that is many years older than you and has control over your job giving you the silent treatment, which often gives them the gall to overstep the line in the first place. And if many cases, if you are a confident person and you check them, their ego gets even more threatened by you. I had this problem with many bosses, one in particular a man with massive inferiority complex that tried to get me fired when I did not accept his abusive behavior (kept giving me silent treatment and asking me personal questions when I repeatedly told him that makes me uncomfortable.) Lol, dude said I made racist comments, when he actually made said racist comments. He just thought it would stick to me cuz I'm white and he was black lol. I turned the tables on him in front of HR and he got in trouble instead!
A vague dullard's philosophy? Seductive Shovel, as a dullard may I still speak? Yes, I would use the word "allow" even in the situation you describe, because we always have choices. Sometimes they are not ideal; but we can always choose how we respond. Ultimately you found that out when you went to HR, right? You chose not to tolerate his abuse, even though he was your boss. You chose not to allow the abuse, and you took action. Good for you.
I was not calling you a dullard, Dan! I mean the philosophy is so vague that it can be victim-blaming. Kind of like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Not exactly, right? Plenty of things that don't kill you can scar you for life. If someone is a megalomaniac, it is not your fault who they chose to become, and how they choose to act.
And actually, in my case, my manager ambushed me in HR. He set me up to try to get me in trouble with them, he greatly underestimated my intelligence and speaking abilities though, so I turned the tables by being cool like Obama. He also told tried to get the HR woman in trouble with her boss because he didn't like her, by complaining that I said something bad about her (which I didn't.) So the lady hated me from the get go.
Hey Seductive-- I am not following you and since this topic is so important (and I'm happy you don't think I'm a dullard--I'll keep you away from my mother :) ) I would like to be clear. I'm not certain where victim-shaming or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" come in. Help me out here. Since I don't use words such as "fault" and "blame" I'm not sure how that plays into this either. The last thing I'd ever teach or believe is that people are at "fault" for how others behave (I do believe that we train people how to treat US, but that is a distinction with a huge difference, I'm sure you'd agree.) If you could clarify what you mean Seductive, I'll do the same. How's that?
Dan
Sure Dan! I see this "it was your choice" sort of philosophy being tossed around all the time. You and a few other youtube channels I've found have actually effective advice for dealing with assholes and bullies, info that is pretty hard to find even in 2018! If there were some class in school we all were taught in America that had the skills you teach with effective and practical advice, that would be one thing, because we would all have the tools to assert ourselves and prepare for these situations. But American culture is by its nature very passive, and one of avoiding responsibility. So it is just such an easy out when someone in a position of power abuses an innocent and inexperienced person, to say it's the victims fault for not knowing how to protect themselves, because being from America, its part of our culture to be passive and ignore a bully/antagonizer, which you know is the worst response. Hence open season on the victim with the 'easy out' of "it's your fault for tolerating it. Not my problem."
I relate to your principle of "what gets rewarded gets repeated." i think that is a way to take the personal responsibility of the victim out of the equation, and put it back on the bully, and start to understand the individual's psychology. There are laws against harassment and provocation, it is illegal to provoke someone, and that is the case in many bully, power abuse situations.
What if they're a narcissist and they do it on purpose, randomly ALL the time as a manipulation tactic just to gain control over you? So, if you, the interlocutor are not provoking it and the onus is clearly on THEM unequivocally, then how should you respond, assuming it's a relationship you're stuck with (at least for the time being until you are able to leave) such as parent/child, husband/wife, employee/boss, etc.?
YES! YES! YES!
Log it. Call them out.
Breakthrough Moment That is what I'm dealing with right now and still looking for that answer..
@@walkbyfaith3362 -If it's a spouse-I would start looking for ways to achieve financial independence so that you can seek freedom. Start teaching your kids NOW that this behavior is not normal or okay in any way. Let them know that it is NOT their fault and they (or you) do not deserve to be treated in this manner. You don't want this cycle to be repeated. Meanwhile-get yourself in counseling and read all that you can on it. It will give you a broader perspective. It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the trenches.
Well you just excuse yourself and do what you do and ignore it. I tend to say "Ok, I'm not doing this." or just "Ok." and leave. And of course get away permanently as quickly as possible.
I can think of situations when the "silent treatment" would have been most welcome, both at work and in relationship settings.
I usually say: "why would you say that?" and follow up with "tell me more". LOL
I don't tolerate passive-aggressive behavior. If I got to figure out what I did wrong because they won't tell me, and they are not responding to your sincere apologies and explanations, I end it.
It's not always possible to remove yourself from the room. Sometimes both individuals need to be there because of work or whatnot. I think it's important to discern the situation and often, simply going about your own business is best.
people who give the silent treatment are loners at heart . As one who does this If I quit talking to you it means I'M DONE leave me alone . The abusers to us are the one who feel the need to get a response from us . it is very distressing to us and breeds hate and contempt from us. We simply do not care anymore when you have driven us to the point of silence .
If someone is giving you the silent treatment, enjoy the peace and quiet.
You've never heard of "The Sounds of Silence?" Silence does not always equate to peace and quiet--not by a long shot Allen.
Silent treatment is the cruellest thing anyone can do to those that claim to love you. It is never peaceful or quiet.
This is a great video! And it makes so much sense looking back on my childhood. My mom used the silent treatment all the time when my siblings and I were growing up. Sure enough, everyone in the family behaves like victims to this day! Children don't always have the option to leave though or say what you suggest. Do you have advise for kids suffering under this?
I've received the silent treatment as work. It's usually after I've been assigned a great project or gotten recognition for doing a good job on something and a jealous co-worker gets angry.
Because I don't require the need to talk and be chatty at work, I'm relieved when ppl like that stop talking to me. They're typically toxic ppl anyway. But the negative affect comes when those ppl are in control of important info that they don't share with me. Then it becomes tricky because then it's a power play. Luckily, I've always been able to work around them. Total waste of energy though.
MsBettyR, my heart goes out to children who have to endure this from parents. You're right when you say these particular methods are generally for adults. To a child enduring this horrific behavior from immature parents I would say "Honey, as you put up with this behavior, remember three things. 1. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, even though it feels like it is. This horrific behavior is about whoever is exhibiting it. 2. TRY TO FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS, and remember you forgive them for YOUR sake, not theirs--so you can carry on with your life. And 3. When you are an adult, BREAK THE CYCLE and treat your own children with love and understanding.
Of course the advice would be for parents doing this--they're the ones with the problem. But their problem is poured out on their children and that is tragic.
Dan
I usually combat it by affecting a positive and cheery attitude and pretend it’s not happening. They want to manipulate you and I’m not playing!
What do you do in an online conversation if this happens?
Tune the person out. Forget about them until they resurface.
Tune the person out. Forget about them until they resurface.
Tune the person out. Forget about them until they resurface.
uhg. But what if you live with the person. You leave or go to your room, but then it rewards them by having you leave your own home.
What do you do about people who hold you hostage to their mood?
Linda R. My mom
Start laughing and leave the room
Liz, that is the best reaction to an asshole!!!
Ok. I will try it. 😋
Thanks so much! I want to forward this to someone who needs it so bad.
Ivy McKinney Then do so.
Chuckle...you're like me, maybe. I can get quite sanctimonious in an argument. I am trying to be more honest with myself about my feelings and this tendemcy to do this
There is also a difference when someone gives someone else the silent treatment when someone else is badgering them into giving an answer that they want to hear. Especially when the person has calmly explained that they did not want to discuss the topic because they didn't want to accept their reasoning at all. It would be helpful to know how to properly handle someone who can't accept someone else's opinion or answer to the question that was presented.
Right... This might work with normal thinking people but unfortunately is useless with narcissists. And how you deal with text messaging silent treatment when they block you out of the blue? Then unblock you just to insult you then block you again? Then text you hours later pretending nothing happened and if you bring back the subject block you again. My solution is: NO CONTACT!! GOODBYE!
This is such a priceless advice!!! Thank you so much
8:30 Has anyone you know ever changed their mind after you said that to them ?
I can hardly imagine anyone answering : Omg, yes, you're right, I was being passive aggressively abusing with you and it made you feel bad, now I feel bad about it, and it has enhanced my compassion levels, i will definitely be more considerate in the future.
This happens in the movies with morals, not in real life.
this is good tips if your dealing with a normal person...
(to say to a narcissist that the silent treatment is a form of abuse would be to admit that they are doing things right.)
True, the surfin. But if you're dealing with a true narcissist, I'd have to wonder what benefit you are getting from the relationship in the first place.
@@TheWizardOfWordsTo be fair your video didn't mention narcissist, i just got directed here after watching some clips about narcs.
In first place / the benefits... Of course you don't get any benefits, you get misery and you will be tired. But sadly sometimes life can be a bit complex...
I guess those that are in a relationship and isn't to tied up (e.g. children), if you suspect your partner to be a narcissist - Run! But even in that (easy) case I think it's still easier said than done to leave. The narcissist is a maestro at this game and if he or she doesn't wont you to leave there will be a no holds barred fight. Everything you are, everything you said, what you like/ dislike, your friends and family, guess even threats in some cases will be used against you... But yes I agree - Run, it's better to take some damage and be free. Lick your wounds...
When it comes to a family member a parent in my case, it can be a bit more tricky to leave. First of all your life can be intertwined, area, relatives and so on. Second you have been programmed since childhood to put yourself on hold, it can be hard to break that habit. Third I my case the times i have broken contact I have been forced to break not only with the narcissist but also a big chunk of my family. If your okay with that, well it doesn't stop there, no - e.g. when i was a kid my pet cat might "run away" some days after I had told my parent to f*** off (guess hidden and looked away in the basement). Parent - will you help me to search for the kitten? As a kid it can be hard to be hard and say - f*** that kitten, I don't care. As a grown up my grandfather / grandmother might have a well-timed stroke and had to go by ambulance to hospital, (both where victims, they lived in fear and danced to the narcissist every tune, they could have a fake stroke on demand (they had some real strokes also, hard to know from start when real, when fake)). And even if it isn't fake e.g. this autumn my grandmother died, when rest-home called to say i needed to come, yes i guess i had a choice be a cold bastard and say screw it I wont hold her hand the last week because that means i have to met my narcissistic parent, but then its the legal stuff, estate inventory and that you cant escape... Yada, yada, yada... Breaking with a family member isn't impossible but it can be hard, trust me, I live like 8 hour drive away and its still hard. (And even when I've gone on a five year radio silence, that isn't a victory it's a tragedy). Again this is life and life can sometimes be a bit complex...
@@thesurfinsuricate You are so right; I simplified the matter. There are situations in which running would be to your detriment, so you have to learn to defend yourself from the narcissist getting into your head. I do hope you can find a professional to help you cope because you just outlined a TON of relationship challenges. Please seek the help of someone you can trust and talk to on a regular basis. You can't change the narcissist so you have to change how you're seeing him/her and how you are reacting. You can only change YOU (which you no doubt already know by now) but it sounds as though you need some help doing this, before you drive yourself bat sh** crazy.
@@TheWizardOfWords No problemo! Thankfully i manage to cope, haven't gone bananas yet hehe ;)
Loots of people have it far worse than me. -Change how you're seeing him/her, so true. -You can only change YOU, also true. thx and best regards from Europe.
It's abuse period. Don't respond. Move on and never accept that behavior from anyone. You deserve better and it's not your job to educate them or try to get through to them because you will not be able to. Your happiness is your responsibility and their happiness is theirs. You will waste years of your life on that garbage abuse. If you can not move on then seek help for yourself because you also have issues that keep you coming back for more.
Sometimes a little light can help people. Sometimes it can't.
Abuser gets abused by getting shut off and they're in the right... 😂
Actually I had a situation with a collegue since then she start talking harsh to me despite me trying to be polite and trying to speak establish the relationship. But she is harsh and sometimes shoot at me and sometimes just insult me when we are working and I (in her opinion) did something wrong. So I started fleeing the contact with her to the point today we don't talk. So am I giving her the silence treatment. I mean at some point I am just not comfortable talking to her because I'm afraid she will start again
Tanda, you aren't giving her the silent treatment. That is something imposed upon the "offender" as a punishment. From what you described, you are giving the relationship what it needs--distance. And that is PERFECTLY fine :)
@@TheWizardOfWords now she has quit the job i just wish her good luck. I'm just sad we didn't have a better relationship. But i want to thank you your video are really helping interact more confidently with people.
I really appreciate your videos Dan (recent subscriber!) and am learning SO much (especially from the specific scripts and examples you give) about how to deal with more "normal" people (i.e. non personality disordered). At the same time I can relate to many of the comments from folks here who are in relationships with cluster B personality types, having been married to one (and unfortunately, for me, with whom I currently 'co parent') and also raised by parents who have many traits of narcissism/emotional immaturity. Many years of therapy and continued hard work. Your video would have been hard for me to swallow a few years ago and might have set me toward further harm with people around me at that time. I have skimmed through some of the comments and can relate to folks who may be triggered by this video. Discerning who you are dealing with and their patterns of behaviour is so key.
I have a great job (and very fortunate as single moms go I realize) but I find I struggle greatly with navigating the 'normal' social stuff that comes along in work settings and friendships. Asserting myself and bringing "me" out more verbally is hard to do. Would love to see more videos on this. I am glad to continue my personal development with you. TH-cam rocks.
Funny enough, this happened yesterday between my mom and I- perfect timing , Daniel, thank you a bunch!
You are most welcome!
Daniel
My coworker has NOT talked to me for 2 months now, her cubicle is right next to me and we used to be really good friends
A coworker did that to me also. I just kept my distance. They aren't important enough to stress about.
Phoenix see I work part time because I have 2 little kids at home, I have a sneaking suspicion that my coworker has badmouthed me to the other 2 women in my department as those 2 have been less friendly to me, I know they are not important enough to stress about, but it’s still an isolating experience
@@browneyedgirl4285 you ask the to stop gossiping about you Dan has a video on this
If you were wronged, forgiveness is not being ok with the bad behavior. Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment. It's for you to live your life in peace.
I disagree with his first premise because when you try to get them to talk and they don't it gives them the knowledge that you can't do without them and talking to them and that's a tool they can use to leverage against you.
I have done it myself to people. It was done to me at work ,even tho I apologized early on the silent treatment went on ,the shift was 13 hours long. I can honestly say it was the worst shift of my life and it was very painful. I learned how incredibly horrible it is to do that to someone. My apology was early on and still the person continued to let me suffer in silence. I will never forget it as long as I live and I would like to think if someone apologized to me I would not let them continue to suffer.
The silent treatment is far worse than yelling. When someone is overtly angry and yells, you have an opportunity to respond. The silent treatment is not only mean and passive-aggressive, it is childish.
hate those ads in the middle though i can relate
Yes, that's something new that Google is doing, but on the other hand, it allows me to continue to offer these videos without charge. It's not ideal, but there is a benefit to both of us Armadilly.
Dan
What if you have to give your workplace bully the silent treatment? I have to to just so I can work with them.
Dan has a video on workplace bullies
But how do you just get up and go when it's your husband though?
Hi Dan ... All I have to say is ______________________
:) :) :)
wow!! you have a Way with words. Thanks for the Communication inhansment. You are Fantastic👌
Purrfect reminder!! Always very helpful and so purrfectly timed!
Just happened this morning, and I feel I handled it less than graciously. I stated; Really? No comment is your response? I'm done here.
I did not redirect at all and I am certain that was interpreted as being angry or snippy verses frustrated and hurt.
It is very difficult to back track and redirect correctly with the missed opportunity. However, that is on me, not the other party.
Again, thank you!
Wow...I'd say u nailed it! I'm thinking sometimes, if ur too open, and reveal your hurt n frustration, it cd be a big win for certain ppl. ps...I'm not really qualified to identify narcissistic behavior, but it IS a fascinating research topic.
This works unless it is your adult kds...the apologizr piece for whatever they blame you for, but continue to call once a week or write atleast and remind them of your love for them
My mil and I were having an inconsequential conversation and when it was my turn, I expressed my opinion which she disagreed with. When I attempted to explain my rationale, she stuck her chin up in the air and turned her head. At which point I said “Oh, I see we’re no longer on speaking terms and I stood up and marched out of the room. Immediately she began to call after me. She is an esfj with a driver style. I ignored her until she approached me and attempted to bribe with with some cheap junky jewelry.🤣🤣🤣Next time I’ll tell her when she’s ready to act like an adult, we can resume the conversation before I March out of the room.
How about being funny and saying "I can see you are intoxicated on a bottle of stonewall and I prefer to not be around this type of energy "
I would like to know what to do if you are oblivious to what you "did" that they resorted to the silent treatment.
Hi Abi: You might come out and ask "You are not speaking to me. Can you tell me why?" If they refuse to answer-- watch the video again and act accordingly . . . . :)
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you. This will definitely help.
Your awesome, I think you’re one of my favorite people EVER
Dan, this is marriage counseling 😂😂 thank you. Let me toss some coins at you honey! Haha well done. So much good help for freemb
Hey Candee--You can toss all the coins at me that you want, and you can do it at www.danoconnortraining.com/ where you can download my Top Ten Danger and PowerPhrases FOR FREE, CANDEE, just for subscribing. Can't beat it with a stick.
But if in the same house, and no where else to go...then what?
Ive dealt with type of abuse for way too long in my marriage. So happy i finally found the strength to leave that prick!
This is common with groups of people. Someone might unintentionally say something stupid or make a joke that's not funny and everybody get's quiet to make that person feel awkward. Sometimes people will combine this with gaslighting when you try to call this behavior out.
Emotionally Immature person is who you're dealing with. A 👶 essentially in a grown person's body 😄. Treat them as such.
I love the quiet game! Only because I know the purpose of it and why a person chooses this method.
I’m just at the point where.. I don’t want to wait for them to be ready to talk. Because I rather just end all access. However, I do like his approach on addressing the issue with the partner.
My brother (golden child turned narcissist) has stopped talking to me about 5 times. He comes back when he wants to. I walk on eggshells until he stops talking to me again.
I give silent treatment when i get yelled at and expect an apology. I’m not letting it slide but i will also not ask for an apology while they very well know what they did.
I hate getting yelled at.
If they don’t apologize, i will just remove myself from them and find better company that doesn’t yell.
A male friend of mine all of a sudden stopped talking to me for two months(it happened twice),i never contacted him,so one day he called and was talking to me As if nothing happened. As we were conversing,he called me an ass@#€%,thats how i knew my not going after/contacting him,Infuriated him.
After some time he gave me another silent treatment for 1 year...i never contacted him.Then he sent me a message asking how i was,i never replied.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge to us! I love your dedication and passion in your videos. Thank you so much Dan. God bless you and your family.
Thank you so much, Rainebow, and blessings to you and your family as well.
Dan, I just found your channel recently and it is so very interesting. Sometimes, when it comes to communication, we may be dealing with undiagnosed autism or nonverbal issues. Some people with these issues are functional in other areas. Some Introverts, from what I read, get exhausted around people. Am not medical person - only what I read from some experts.
Act as if person is dead and go on with your life. Even if he or she starts talking , since he or she is dead for you now give him or her silent treatment. A**holes deserve that. 😂 Celebrate your freedom. Even if they are giving silent treatment because you did something, onus is on them to tell you that. Why assume you have done something wrong. If they don't tell and resort to punish you directly, they are immature.
My husband uses it 2control the topics thatR discussed in our home, if i comply, he will have successfully dominated, & he will escalate silence 4control
What to do when you get the silent treatment at work? Not everyone is going to like eachother but at least be respectful and I’m not getting that at work. I’m not going to kiss peoples butts or be a people pleaser. I am polite but it’s disrespectful to do to someone outright
Its a pattern with a narcissist. They use the silent treatment as punishment. Often.
I am best friends with two priests. They constantly accuse me of giving them silent treatment. How can I be vocal when they are taking turns in my mouth?
Wow this is so powerful. You are amazing. I got it. You almost make me cry. I was wondering why I been hurting so much. My chest hurts he gave the silent treatment last weekend. It was horrible he is a person I been talking for 9 months. And he didn't talk w me for 3 days. And I felt horrible my chest was hurting I became hopeless. I felt anxious I felt literary my heart was hurting me. And I been hurting and praying and praying and praying. This really hurts me. I been doing a lot a research. But today I found your video. And you are the only one that talks about. The chemicals release and it is true. I been feeling like a victim. Thank you so much. God bless you. And thank you for the revelation. Praise God.
Thank you Dr. Dan - this is so educational. Hope you are in the schools to educate young people.
I’d excuse myself and they never wanted the talk to begin with so they’d never be ready. It would go months.
Laughing “my spouse hasn’t talked to me in a week. They checked out of the relationship” Nope, that’s mental and emotional abuse. It’s CONTROL and it’s NOT funny. Unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain war to someone who’s never been to war, you just won’t understand
I had a marriage and deal the silent treatment on a weekly basis. I ignored her as well. 5ths relationship did not last. Is horrible to go through that.
I only ever gave one person the silent treatment and that was my xh because he wouldn't compromise. ALL of the 'cost' of parenthood (practical, financial, emotional) had to be mine!! I tried to negotiate to gain some ground but I just wasn't heard so I didn't feel like giving him my personality iyswim. I never do it now. I never would do it again. I recognise now that it's what happens when your voice isn't being heard.
I’m not apologizing because I’ve done nothing wrong at all she just didn’t get her way .
Hey Dan this could be dangerous with Marci folks.
Respect and love in communication doesn’t work with Narcs. They abuse you no matter what. But walking away, sure, if possible.
What about if they did ,why you have to apologize, they just turn around and go...