Kurt Metzger - Jehovah's Witness Drama - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

แชร์
ฝัง
  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2024
  • Kurt Metzger tells a story about being raised as a Jehovah's Witness and working at a video game store with a friendly crack dealer.
    Watch full episodes of This Is Not Happening now: www.cc.com/show...
    Follow Kurt Metzger on Twitter: / kurtmetzger
    Theme by Run The Jewels. Purchase the LP here: apple.co/1ARsXOf
  • ตลก

ความคิดเห็น • 1.6K

  • @standup
    @standup 5 ปีที่แล้ว +84

    Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: th-cam.com/play/PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8.html

    • @johnclaudetaylor5224
      @johnclaudetaylor5224 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I'm an ex JW and this hits so close to home 🤣🤣🤣

    • @mattriffingriffin2398
      @mattriffingriffin2398 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@johnclaudetaylor5224 same here

    • @richievaldez765
      @richievaldez765 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      I have some great Drug Stories, definitely better than any I have seen so far....

    • @jonathanjollimore4794
      @jonathanjollimore4794 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      OK the multiverse must be real th-cam.com/video/5L3qPE6Md9Q/w-d-xo.html more *facepalm*

    • @jaenmartens5697
      @jaenmartens5697 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Thanks Kurt. You're right on- love you on Dore- tough gig, be a comedian but don't interrupt.. haha you do it tho.

  • @kseniavasilyev6861
    @kseniavasilyev6861 6 ปีที่แล้ว +2130

    Someone should make a movie out of this. This story has compelling and deep characters, an amazing plot, and a plotwist at the end!

    • @KentFPV
      @KentFPV 5 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      No u

    • @oldmannabors3198
      @oldmannabors3198 5 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      The fuck's a "plotwist"?

    • @oldmannabors3198
      @oldmannabors3198 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      @mellamosean ... Blow me

    • @oldmannabors3198
      @oldmannabors3198 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      @mellamosean ... I insist...

    • @oldmannabors3198
      @oldmannabors3198 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @mellamosean ... Lol sweet!!
      I haven't been assaulted in.... five years?...
      The taste of blood in my mouth and ringing in my ears is super comparable to reading a post that says "... Fuck you, chump!..."
      Yeah, I think a fight sounds great!
      Where should we meet down for a beat down?

  • @carlhicksjr8401
    @carlhicksjr8401 6 ปีที่แล้ว +1682

    OK, so I did stand up for a living for about three years.
    I was alright, but not great. Didn't have that spark of genius.
    But this guy, who doesn't look particularly charismatic, kept an audience on the string for TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES while he told three different stories with just one tie up punch line at the end.
    Freaking brilliant.

    • @calviincalifornia4048
      @calviincalifornia4048 5 ปีที่แล้ว +89

      if you did it for a living and made enough money to stay that as your job, you did great.
      i know dozens of people who will never escape san jose or ever get paid..
      just cuz you gave up on it means nothing. you can do it again anytime you please. the rest of your life if you just grab a mic and tell one joke youre right back into it again. and open mics are always welcoming..

    • @irider1201
      @irider1201 5 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Kurt's a great comic.

    • @notsure1135
      @notsure1135 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Do you have a favourite joke that you wrote?

    • @Itsamallard
      @Itsamallard 5 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Carl Hicks Jr why don’t you start telling stories from your life on TH-cam and have someone do animation of some drawling you do or something just on TH-cam period you can make a killing and never have to leave your bathroom lol

    • @UberLummox
      @UberLummox 5 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Love everyone being so encouraging. Refreshing to see vs usual youtube bull.
      Sam, maybe you could be his promoter ;-) Whatever you're doing now Carl, I hope it makes you happy.
      It also takes a smart person to know their limitations as we all have'em.

  • @denzelbazard6184
    @denzelbazard6184 8 ปีที่แล้ว +490

    "yea he just kicked a guy in the chest, and he didn't get up". Im crying.

  • @kui_maina
    @kui_maina 7 ปีที่แล้ว +1521

    His eyes. They tell stories on their own.

    • @vf3d
      @vf3d 7 ปีที่แล้ว +55

      O_O

    • @manoamano920
      @manoamano920 6 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      You tell a story all your own.

    • @jeffreymartinez8028
      @jeffreymartinez8028 6 ปีที่แล้ว +64

      It's called pain. All of us exjw have it. 😔

    • @BA-hn1om
      @BA-hn1om 6 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      Jeffrey martinez very true Jeffrey

    • @silverfascia
      @silverfascia 6 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      chill

  • @SnareRushJunkie
    @SnareRushJunkie 5 ปีที่แล้ว +102

    "Other lies come easy once you know how to do that magic." Jesus, is that spot-on.

    • @pillettadoinswartsh4974
      @pillettadoinswartsh4974 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I've told my wife about the "realm of belief" where a person is also susceptible to be lied TO. Gullibility comes from religion.

  • @nebulousisgod
    @nebulousisgod 4 ปีที่แล้ว +473

    That guy admitted he might’ve accidentally murdered a guy in his job interview haha and he got hired. That’s epic

    • @pcbangbros8350
      @pcbangbros8350 2 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Gotta respect the honesty :D

    • @alicedoors4826
      @alicedoors4826 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Got hired by a Jehovah's Witness!

  • @macilab
    @macilab 5 ปีที่แล้ว +243

    At EVERY show, there is this dude/girl who is laughing louder and longer, more distinctively than the others. Today I came to realize that it makes me so HAPPY to hear it and experience it. Cause that person is also probably touched in a way that for them is very unique and genuine.

  • @mando10901
    @mando10901 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    I too was raised Jehovah's Witness... They call their religion "the Truth" but seriously Kurt here got the truth that I saw myself. 100% on point!!!

  • @jorayx
    @jorayx 5 ปีที่แล้ว +315

    This was not a polished bit. This was a talented man telling his story. Raw and real

    • @bogovabatina
      @bogovabatina 2 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      No, For Kurt, this is polished!

    • @NicholasHume
      @NicholasHume 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@bogovabatina Sign of the craft!

    • @jesuscasillas4992
      @jesuscasillas4992 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Just the way you like it!

  • @Fausto_4841
    @Fausto_4841 8 ปีที่แล้ว +917

    Kurt's right. I learned how to lie every weekend at Mormon church as a kid, then mastered it as a dope fiend.

    • @clumsiii
      @clumsiii 6 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      real talk

    • @kugicaimp192
      @kugicaimp192 5 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Belial61 ♥♥♥ HONEST PEOPLE WHO NEVER LIE ARE THE BEST LIARS. ♥♥♥

    • @oldmannabors3198
      @oldmannabors3198 5 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Gad damn....

    • @anonymoushuman5174
      @anonymoushuman5174 5 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Me too :D

    • @ascent8487
      @ascent8487 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Matt? Is your online name Belial61? Is that you?

  • @TRUCKLOADOFPAIN
    @TRUCKLOADOFPAIN 8 ปีที่แล้ว +83

    "No, nobody knows."
    I legitimately spit out the cereal I was eating. Hilarious.

  • @ince55ant
    @ince55ant 8 ปีที่แล้ว +171

    Thats a really great piece, i love the way it all ties together. like the setup of going from religious to non at the start leading to having himself contending with his own religion and the shit going on around him. slowly developing from finding out about gossip to hanging out with someone with a more morally loose perspective. Then finally realizing someone else who started in the same place he did has gone down a much darker path than he could previously have imagined...
    The whole thing is just this great, complex parable for loosing religion or any belief really. No rules are real, your perception of reality is flawed.

  • @ydin9
    @ydin9 8 ปีที่แล้ว +526

    Awesome story, one of the best I've heard on this show.

    • @domdittyful
      @domdittyful 8 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      agreed

    • @suckl
      @suckl 8 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      true

    • @eaeaeafdfdfd3334
      @eaeaeafdfdfd3334 8 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      1+ he was telling the stories good to

    • @BobSmith-xk5fb
      @BobSmith-xk5fb 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      +ydin9 stop bashing Jehovah's WItnesses and spreading false hope of ever being saved at Armageddon you wicked worldly person! You are like all the others spreading false lies about Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission and child abuse scandals.

    • @ydin9
      @ydin9 7 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Oh, I'm so sorry Bob, I did not in anyway mean to imply Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission had become anything like Catholic Church. Absolutely nobody should google what any of that means.

  • @TurkIsAwesome
    @TurkIsAwesome 8 ปีที่แล้ว +822

    an addition to an already impressive resume by nights he controls the streets as zumo xDxDxDXD lmfao

    • @flamingmonkeyxii
      @flamingmonkeyxii 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      *Zoomo

    • @Hackthegolfer
      @Hackthegolfer 5 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      That was my favorite line in the whole bit.

    • @nospam3327
      @nospam3327 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Haha, it was totally worth the wait 😂🤣😂

  • @RamiroBelmaresJr
    @RamiroBelmaresJr 8 ปีที่แล้ว +82

    10:16 "In retail, you just wanna find someone you could hangout with"
    Dude, that makes so much fucking sense.
    At my very first job interview, the store manager and I talked about this music venue we both went to and after I was hired we would talk about music and other random shit on slow days.
    He was pretty cool about me taking home some food.

    • @BobSmith-xk5fb
      @BobSmith-xk5fb 7 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      +Ramiro Belmares so you stole food from your job ?? Shame on you, if you had been a Jehovah's Witness you would have been slapped with a dirty sock for hamburglerizing this business. You better not ever talk crap about Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission and be like all these other worldly apostates spreading lies about Jehovah's WItness child abuse scandals.

    • @evan8654
      @evan8654 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@BobSmith-xk5fb lol wut

    • @billyin4c514
      @billyin4c514 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      This is a kind of nepotism, and I like it.

  • @brewforce3036
    @brewforce3036 3 ปีที่แล้ว +635

    Was raised JW, me and my grandmother left, now I celebrate birthdays and she has 2 boyfriends. We're both living our best lives now, one more than the other.

    • @christopherwakefield9537
      @christopherwakefield9537 2 ปีที่แล้ว +45

      I think this is one of the best comments I've ever seen. Kudos to you and your grandma!

    • @livewithmeterandnomeasureb1679
      @livewithmeterandnomeasureb1679 2 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Happy for you!

    • @uriah9559
      @uriah9559 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      your familys dumb boiii

    • @danielmeuler2877
      @danielmeuler2877 2 ปีที่แล้ว +33

      I used to drop bags full of water on JW's heads as a kid. I'm convinced the bad luck I have had in life is directly connected to said act. Any advice as how to break the Curse?

    • @stephen227
      @stephen227 2 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      She has 2 boyfriends?

  • @maebe7668
    @maebe7668 7 ปีที่แล้ว +563

    First Jehovah's witness jokes I've heard that I'm actually relating to.

    • @misterdoctor9693
      @misterdoctor9693 6 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Well, none of that story makes even remotely any sense. So.... same.

    • @mudejartrainingnaturalscie6938
      @mudejartrainingnaturalscie6938 5 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Zumo is that you?

    • @Chadwicktaylormade
      @Chadwicktaylormade 5 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      My ex house speakers son had a kid at 16 and he just moved congregations overnight. Nobody acted like anything happened nor said anything about it ever. I stopped going at 15 tho. It was totally a cult

    • @StocksAndBeemers
      @StocksAndBeemers 5 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      Devbo Slice BROOOO THIS IS TOO FUNNY. I relate to this I was one and I used to fuck with the JW girls. They were low key kinky cuz they couldn’t express sexuality. Fucked but true and hthe hats funny af

    • @miathapapaya
      @miathapapaya 5 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      I grew up in that stupid crap and this shits HILARIOUS to me

  • @MidnightAndLuna
    @MidnightAndLuna 2 ปีที่แล้ว +42

    I’m an ex-JW and this story truly hits home for me

  • @incognitofool6516
    @incognitofool6516 5 ปีที่แล้ว +76

    I was Born a JW and was in for 28 years. This is amazing.

  • @lizzyinhawaii5713
    @lizzyinhawaii5713 5 ปีที่แล้ว +209

    I was born into and raised a JW.This was one of the funniest most relatable comedy skits I have ever heard.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • @rjordan5150
      @rjordan5150 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Same here I was dying of laughter lol

    • @ClaudBawlz
      @ClaudBawlz 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      .me too

    • @halcyonataractic8623
      @halcyonataractic8623 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Same. Such a nasty cult.

    • @TamOClannie
      @TamOClannie 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      So many of my friends who are currently shunning me listen to Joe rogan podcasts while they're working, and I look forward to every time Kurt is on.

    • @andrewflores5243
      @andrewflores5243 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Same. Just your regular doomsday cult.

  • @ethanhart6274
    @ethanhart6274 3 ปีที่แล้ว +34

    This guy just told the plot to a Tarantino movie. What a crazy life!

  • @maverickh9
    @maverickh9 8 ปีที่แล้ว +532

    he looks like Russel Peters if he were white.

    • @xorovats
      @xorovats 8 ปีที่แล้ว +104

      like if russel peters fucked mr. bean

    • @kui_maina
      @kui_maina 7 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Newton's Third Law omg yes...i was trying to place his look

    • @danthemanx999
      @danthemanx999 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Exactly what I thought!

    • @rustyjames1727
      @rustyjames1727 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@xorovats kinky

    • @echostorm1996
      @echostorm1996 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      @Pichkalu Pappita He doesn't look brown at all. Perhaps a little tan, but he's still European in origin.

  • @aurievillari9816
    @aurievillari9816 8 ปีที่แล้ว +68

    "By nights he controls the streets as Zumo!!!!" Hahahaha perfect closing line to the story.

  • @brandonjustis
    @brandonjustis 6 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    That was one of the most beautiful stories that I've ever heard from this series. Rounded up perfectly and unexpectedly.

  • @cardboardbox9977
    @cardboardbox9977 5 ปีที่แล้ว +441

    OMG, I was raised a JW and my mother used to take the guns from my action figures too. 😂🤣😂

    • @Orlando407100
      @Orlando407100 5 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      Same here my mom hate guns

    • @GregErickson77
      @GregErickson77 5 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      me too

    • @goodolbronco
      @goodolbronco 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      Are you still a witness?

    • @soulavenue8
      @soulavenue8 4 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Lol I didn’t play with action figures, but I couldn’t have a water gun as a kid growing up in the 90’s. Do you know how devastating that is????!!!🤬😭

    • @ricebeansrockroll882
      @ricebeansrockroll882 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Same here but my mom is atheist.

  • @AMLawrence79
    @AMLawrence79 7 ปีที่แล้ว +199

    the legend of Zumo

    • @steveng6704
      @steveng6704 6 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      There was no way zumo was going to be Josh, but it was, how brilliant and a crazy coincidence

    • @calviincalifornia4048
      @calviincalifornia4048 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      its gunna be like the nintendo game where everyone insists link's name is zelda. except people will call kurt zumo

  • @LizzyArmogida
    @LizzyArmogida 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    I LOVED these stories! I was riveted by this guy! Make these stories into a Netflix series immediately! ♥️

  • @stephaniecarrow4898
    @stephaniecarrow4898 2 ปีที่แล้ว +21

    I love Kurt on the Jimmy Dore show and finally get to see him doing stand-up! He is so brilliant and quick with JD, doing mostly spontaneous one-liners. It's great to see this story-telling side of him as well.

    • @bh8365
      @bh8365 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @Stephanie Carrow. I also enjoy Kurt on Jimmy's show. Often Kurt will say something hilarious or pertinent and Jimmy might talk through it, probably not purposefully, but lessening the impact.

    • @legalfictionnaturalfact3969
      @legalfictionnaturalfact3969 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@bh8365 jimmy is quite envious of kurt's wit. but they work together to push patriarchal mores, so they're buds. it's really pathetic. imagine them saying the things they say about girls/women about *your daughter*, if you can't just care about female humans out of general goodwill.

  • @CapFlipGaming
    @CapFlipGaming 2 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    He really is one of the best comics alive right now. His stories are just so amazing and fun to follow lol

    • @danp1471
      @danp1471 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Really? i just finally clicked on this vid cause it kept popping up in my recommendations probably cause I watch Jimmy Dore. Don't get me wrong the dudes funny, but "the best comic alive"? That's a heavy title. What are some of his best bits or special you can point me to?

  • @miathapapaya
    @miathapapaya 5 ปีที่แล้ว +69

    Wow, raise your hand if youre an ex-JW born and raised and this shits amazing to you

  • @oc6617
    @oc6617 8 ปีที่แล้ว +45

    This is definitely my favorite one of these so far

    • @redneckhippiefreak
      @redneckhippiefreak 8 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Mexicans got on boots..

    • @oc6617
      @oc6617 8 ปีที่แล้ว

      Ali's is hilarious too

    • @franciscorios57
      @franciscorios57 8 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      nah bro lol there's this amazing one about a bomb threat in sears it's hilarious

    • @redneckhippiefreak
      @redneckhippiefreak 8 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Francisco Rios Jim Brewer..Funny as hell too. All these are good though. A comedian telling a true story, You get the best of both worlds. We get a little insight as to their true character that's not really "An act" per se' but even more entertaining.. I guess because it's Truth.

  • @partykrew666
    @partykrew666 8 ปีที่แล้ว +722

    this guy is an awesome story teller.

    • @mathieuxox1
      @mathieuxox1 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Amy Schumer Joke Stealing Compilation th-cam.com/video/4eDxjxVl8S0/w-d-xo.html
      Joe Rogan Argues Over Amy Schumer Joke Theft Accusations WITH Kurt Metzger th-cam.com/video/c_RBhZpJj7U/w-d-xo.html

    • @HR-yd5ib
      @HR-yd5ib 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      He just needs to make them funny.

    • @sashamassey8385
      @sashamassey8385 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Omg So glad I saw this. JW's will follow you even when you try to quit. I know from experience.

    • @tomasotreasaigh111
      @tomasotreasaigh111 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Sounds like 'Deshawntenae' was the REAL story teller.

    • @zapatocryz5866
      @zapatocryz5866 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Thanks to the theocratic ministry school

  • @JaseekaRawr
    @JaseekaRawr 8 ปีที่แล้ว +550

    This guy has Rodney Dangerfield eyes.

    • @OMGKITTENMEWMEW1
      @OMGKITTENMEWMEW1 7 ปีที่แล้ว +33

      He reminds me of Mr. Bean.

    • @manoamano920
      @manoamano920 6 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Those are his uncle an cousin. Rodney is his uncle. And "Mr. Bean" is his cousin... Or, they fucked and made him, one of the two.

    • @gaetaboots9292
      @gaetaboots9292 6 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Jaseeka Rawr that’s calling cocaine

    • @Anona_Meows
      @Anona_Meows 6 ปีที่แล้ว

      @Jake Shattuck 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • @glazar01
      @glazar01 6 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I was trying o figure it out and your right his eyes were like Rodney's

  • @tintinismybelgian
    @tintinismybelgian 5 ปีที่แล้ว +97

    That's pretty lenient that his mother let him have Star Wars men, even. *There's magic and witchcraft in that franchise!*

    • @CuckooCulture
      @CuckooCulture 4 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      I literally said the same exact thing I was not even allowed to watch Star Wars because my parents said Demons will attach themselves and they will be brought our home

    • @gracehaven5459
      @gracehaven5459 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@CuckooCulture we weren't allowed to watch Goosebumps for the same reason 🤣 frickin Goosebumps man

    • @lisasmith7474
      @lisasmith7474 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Yep. and the smurfs were little demons so no cute little blue characters either.

    • @bustinarant
      @bustinarant 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@gracehaven5459 You laugh but the two talkin' puppet Goosebumps books scared me more than Chucky as a kid.
      I'm probably more scared of dolls than my mom and she had some ancient ones she swears moved lol

    • @rcristy
      @rcristy 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Looking at Hollywood from the outside, you think jw's are the bad guys? Ok........

  • @fritz4359
    @fritz4359 3 ปีที่แล้ว +59

    As a former JW I can relate exactly to this whole story

    • @stevenpadilla2254
      @stevenpadilla2254 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      So to my understanding there is like only 50,000 spots in heaven but it’s been around for like 100 years now. How do they know they have spots even left looool. Genuinely curious

    • @goodstuffohhyeah
      @goodstuffohhyeah ปีที่แล้ว +2

      144k dude get it right lol 😂🤙

    • @albeit1
      @albeit1 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@goodstuffohhyeahyeah!
      You’ll never earn one of those highly coveted spots in heaven if you don’t even know how many there are.

    • @Bmanritchie
      @Bmanritchie 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Is that you DeShawntheny?

  • @MegaSunshineyday
    @MegaSunshineyday 5 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    This is one of my favorite stories, by far.... because I studied with the Jehovah's Witnesses

  • @onesimonhaca1752
    @onesimonhaca1752 2 ปีที่แล้ว +39

    Being raised as a JW is so different man, Glad to see others who also went through this type of ish hahahahha.

    • @MCConfuz
      @MCConfuz 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      me too!

    • @snu3877
      @snu3877 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I was raised a Witness and still am one, but I can still laugh about it!

    • @onesimonhaca1752
      @onesimonhaca1752 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@snu3877 You have a great sense of humor, and that is golden

  • @foxibot
    @foxibot 6 ปีที่แล้ว +539

    “It’s just a regular doomsday cult!”

    • @phat2291
      @phat2291 4 ปีที่แล้ว +17

      Phantom Alpha the reasons lie in the origins of the holidays, they started out as pagen celebrations adopted by early religious leaders to get bums on seats and try to blend in and build a following

    • @soulavenue8
      @soulavenue8 4 ปีที่แล้ว +19

      Phantom Alpha Got damn right! I grew up as one. I left, shit I escaped. My family is still in.

    • @morpheas768
      @morpheas768 4 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      It is though, thats true.
      Dogmatically, it is just another christian cult (they're all cults btw), that involves a doomsday scenario that has nothing to do with reality.
      The only thing that distinguishes JWs among other christian cults is that it is highly structured, deeply organized, and very insulated and controlling.
      In other words, its the management and structured organization that makes it seem special, otherwise, its the same biblical shit, just way better enforced.

    • @stephanies3246
      @stephanies3246 4 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      foxibot You are 100% correct. I was a Jehovah’s Witness the first 10 years of my life. The focus on “the could end at any minute” put me in a depression so bad I was seriously considering suicide at the age of 8.
      Thank God for grandma for getting us out of that cult.

    • @elgallogiro6092
      @elgallogiro6092 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Stephanie S that sucks you contemplated suicide....My mother is JW....we lost the mother son connection....When I listen to her talk it sounds like she is brainwashed....How did your family act towards you when you left JW? And what made you decide to leave ?

  • @andrewflores5243
    @andrewflores5243 8 ปีที่แล้ว +36

    I was also raised a jehovahs witnesses and established a tight five at open mics around la. thanks for the inspiration dude!!!!

  • @dr.mantistoboggan3265
    @dr.mantistoboggan3265 8 ปีที่แล้ว +114

    That one person laughing the entire time had me dying😂

    • @DrSlumdog
      @DrSlumdog 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      sounds like Jason Nash's laugh

  • @brittanyyates4304
    @brittanyyates4304 5 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    For some reason the joke about the star wars men had me dead 😂 "so I just had...MEN"

  • @bluedragonrob1
    @bluedragonrob1 7 ปีที่แล้ว +26

    This is the PERFECT way to tell a story, great job Kurt!

  • @deserttan37
    @deserttan37 3 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    a natural comedic story teller. i hope this guy gets a special soon

  • @alvaromd3203
    @alvaromd3203 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Now, this is truly great comedian! Fantastic set!

  • @xorovats
    @xorovats 8 ปีที่แล้ว +25

    who thinks this guy looks like mr.bean?? especially when we opens his eyes wide lol

  • @pashlyn
    @pashlyn 6 ปีที่แล้ว +88

    Every time I hear someone telling jokes like this about witnesses I'm like "Where tf was this when I was a witness?"

    • @titanoflight2930
      @titanoflight2930 5 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      😂😂😂 every once in a while you'll have a scandal like that, my congregation had one like 4-5 years ago

    • @arteedeetoo3144
      @arteedeetoo3144 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@titanoflight2930 what's it like to be a Jehovah's witnesses?

    • @titanoflight2930
      @titanoflight2930 5 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      @@arteedeetoo3144 dull, boring and very sexuality frustrating also you kinda lowkey have to live with the constant fear that if get caught committing any sin you'll be shunned by everyone you've ever know. I think that pretty much sums it up for me 😂. Now if you have no such desires then its probably a very fulfilling life, generally the people you meet are good ones in terms of their moral character (yes there are some bad ones but any institution will have them) even with disputes generally they are solved quickly and in your time of need, from my experiences having lived in 2 countries, brothers will always unquestionably come to your aide. Because of the principals you're raised with mostly the kids will turn out alright in terms of avoiding drugs alchol and such vices as well as some criminal tendencies, conducts that some people struggle for years but can leave behind when they come into the congregation. That said it truly is a difficult life personally i don't see my self committing too it in the long run but i do understand the appeal it has for some people.

    • @audreymai2773
      @audreymai2773 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@nadeen1111 bad timing. Better stay where you are. There is nothing good for you out here.

    • @jondunmore4268
      @jondunmore4268 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      You were deep in it, so you didn't realize what a douchebag you were being while you were being one.

  • @HollieMM
    @HollieMM 6 ปีที่แล้ว +28

    OMG! LOL!!! I was raised STRICT Pentecostal and they're a lot alike in the sense of strict rules and BS! I laughed my hole off!!!

    • @wikidclownchris
      @wikidclownchris 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I was raised in a strictct Christian family was all into it up until middle school when I started asking to many questions

    • @HollieMM
      @HollieMM 6 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      ... and thats where shit when sideways in the most epic of ways!

    • @jonbones6487
      @jonbones6487 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      I was raised by the stop sign, no religion, I was getting saved by the glock 9

    • @linziRyan1965
      @linziRyan1965 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Pentecostals are my biggest fear. I accidentally attended a Pentecostal church as a teenager… I have never been more terrified in my LIFE! JW’s teach you that the speaking in tongues is demonic possession!!!!

  • @v.k.7463
    @v.k.7463 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    I saw this on TV, when it 1st aired, & for some reason the whole story sank into my memory, & I thought it was such a funny story. Then I spent a lot of time searching YT for it, & finally here it is!

  • @Mimi-zg2bh
    @Mimi-zg2bh 5 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Excellent. I felt this AND have my own story that could be inconceivable yet, truth can be really crazy. Glad I listened to this one. Tears....had a Jehovah's witness boyfriend once. Whew!

  • @cashmeredreamzwakeup4189
    @cashmeredreamzwakeup4189 8 ปีที่แล้ว +90

    I was born and raised a Witness too, lmao

    • @mymangobango65
      @mymangobango65 7 ปีที่แล้ว +15

      Ant from Channel 420 ~ me too! born & raised, beaten & molested- typical jw upbringing.

    • @crosssection6289
      @crosssection6289 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@mymangobango65 really? what do you mean?

    • @titanoflight2930
      @titanoflight2930 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@mymangobango65 sis yours got dark tho, i thought i had it bad

    • @killaforrilla5639
      @killaforrilla5639 4 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      @@crosssection6289 2 witness rule look it up

  • @embe1
    @embe1 8 ปีที่แล้ว +262

    This storytelling type comedy really works for me. Kinda reminds me of Charlie Murphy

    • @heineken24oz
      @heineken24oz 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      @tylerx2f01 that's Eddie Murphy

    • @IncognitoSprax
      @IncognitoSprax 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@heineken24oz What? Charlie Murphy was one Eddie Murphy's brother, he was on the Chappelle show among other things and has a series of stories he's told - mainly about Rick James

    • @sunnydee196
      @sunnydee196 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      heineken24oz You should look up Dave Chapelle’s version of the story Charlie Murphy told him about playing a game of basketball with Prince..... Hilarious!

  • @iToMiToMi
    @iToMiToMi 4 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    Disfellowshipped JW here. This shit is hilarious.

  • @sarahbarkley9714
    @sarahbarkley9714 8 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    GREAT STORY! This one was awesome! Team Kurt!

  • @galileoshift8330
    @galileoshift8330 6 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Metzger is an underated genius : his undetectable delivery , setups & punchlines are delayed nuclear bombs. a fckg original

  • @kitpalmer1583
    @kitpalmer1583 8 ปีที่แล้ว +32

    This guy fucking ruled on Horace and Pete

  • @jmsmith1767
    @jmsmith1767 8 ปีที่แล้ว +27

    I LOVE that CC put this up and didn't bow down and shut the guy out due to his recent comments. Kudos CC and great story Kurt

    • @IdoIndeedFlip
      @IdoIndeedFlip 7 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      What?

    • @GunslingingHavocHD
      @GunslingingHavocHD 6 ปีที่แล้ว

      was he talking about a specific comedian or just making up a description?

    • @blahblah2176
      @blahblah2176 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      GunslingingHavocHD yea CC gave his knife away

  • @jahrastafari7165
    @jahrastafari7165 8 ปีที่แล้ว +65

    I imagine Kurt to be an individual who is into autoerotic asphyxiation

    • @rphxleonine
      @rphxleonine 8 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      IDK why, but I can see that.

    • @clone10123
      @clone10123 8 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      yep

    • @cleoz9274
      @cleoz9274 8 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      It's in the eyes, it's all in those eyes 0_0

    • @vault0143
      @vault0143 8 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Too tall

    • @mahatmakanejeeves3706
      @mahatmakanejeeves3706 8 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Vault0 All you need is a belt. No height requirement needed.

  • @Cygnus0lor
    @Cygnus0lor 8 ปีที่แล้ว +55

    Now that ending deserves the "This is not happening" title...

  • @juanguillermorecarte3727
    @juanguillermorecarte3727 8 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    Kurt is probably the best stand up comedian right know. Always aggresively funny

  • @sirwoodofeast9497
    @sirwoodofeast9497 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    10:51 the on the verge crying happy tone while answering a phone at work is accurate.

  • @jaygroomes1357
    @jaygroomes1357 5 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    every time my dad sees a black car that isn't usually at our neighbors house, he comes in my room and says, "don't go into the living room because the witnesses are at Doug's. I'll be in my room."

  • @grantperkins368
    @grantperkins368 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Rambling yet tight,nice delivery, great characterizations and a nice twist at the end. Cool.

  • @dreaminginnoother
    @dreaminginnoother 6 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    I stopped listening to race wars when kurt stopped showing up and his last podcast with joe had me laughing so much... I have realized I am a kurt metzger fan. I hope to hear from him a lot more than I currently do.

    • @monkeyboy9617
      @monkeyboy9617 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Joe Rogan interrupts Kurt Metzger far too much and spoils it. Kurt will be in the middle of saying something really funny off the cuff lots of times and then Joe blurts in. Really frustrating. The only good thing about Joe having Kurt on was that it introduced me to Kurt. I could see the guy was a genius comedian even being constantly interrupted and his flow halted half way through.

  • @jessiesmart3738
    @jessiesmart3738 7 ปีที่แล้ว +63

    I grew up a witness and this had me dying lol

  • @LetsSmokePodcast
    @LetsSmokePodcast 5 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    THANKS... FOR MEN
    still my favorite line out of this amazing story

  • @kathrynmaes1752
    @kathrynmaes1752 3 ปีที่แล้ว +34

    I used to cut my son’s guns off his toy soldiers, and we called them “guys”. I can’t believe how close to home it was. It made me realize that people raised as Witnesses, we all have a similar vernacular to each other!

    • @-Zer0Dark-
      @-Zer0Dark- 3 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      Cults tend to have their own vocabulary.
      A young boy (also a Witness) my mom used to babysit got a major spanking one day when his mom saw him use a stick like a gun. She beat him with a wooden spoon and shouted about how Jehovah didn't approve of violence.
      Because, you know, logic.

  • @jfdesignsinc.innovationsid1583
    @jfdesignsinc.innovationsid1583 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    this guys sense of humor is off the chain! ive never seen anything like this in my life....... this guy rocks

  • @Rlow619
    @Rlow619 4 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    "it's called Gamespot now" lmaoo

  • @menyjackets593
    @menyjackets593 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    This is one of the best sets i've ever seen, so much talent

  • @emilyvalcourt6222
    @emilyvalcourt6222 6 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    i connect with the whole religous secret life thing its so strange

  • @SoooOriginal
    @SoooOriginal 8 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    Probably my favorite story so far!

  • @sagessetherestless1310
    @sagessetherestless1310 4 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    Dude as a former witness this shit hits home.

    • @recnepsyarg
      @recnepsyarg 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      What did you see?

  • @notsure1135
    @notsure1135 5 ปีที่แล้ว

    I have watched a heap of these in the last two days, this is outstanding.

  • @madisonbell5481
    @madisonbell5481 4 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Calling it - Joe Rogan's in that crowd man. I know that laugh anywhere...

    • @dankajay8638
      @dankajay8638 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I was also catching hints of the old rogan laugh hahahahaha

  • @Sumkneegrow
    @Sumkneegrow หลายเดือนก่อน

    I love how half the crowd gets to enjoy watching the guest's back. Such an incredible stage setup for comedy.

  • @sylantproductions7074
    @sylantproductions7074 5 ปีที่แล้ว +46

    ANY Former witnesses here that have heard the urban legend about the Smurf walking out the Kingdom Hall? What’s the version you remember?

    • @sarahcross1572
      @sarahcross1572 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Lol wow I don't think I've heard that legend now I'm curious

    • @yikesyikes5974
      @yikesyikes5974 5 ปีที่แล้ว +24

      We werent suppose to watch the Smurfs because it had magic in it. My family was more liberal JWs so we ignored a lot of non sense. We had worldly friends, listened to all music and watched the Smurfs. Lol. We just never celebrated holidays.

    • @jo5e9h016
      @jo5e9h016 5 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      Sylant Stevens Yes I have heard this story growing up going to the meetings with my parents. The story would go that a young girl had brought a Smurf doll to a nightly meeting along with her. The doll actually stood up and ran off on its own. Actually was thinking about this story a few weeks back, crazy to just see it now lol

    • @audreymai2773
      @audreymai2773 5 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I remember that story.

    • @retrohipster994
      @retrohipster994 5 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      It never ceases to amaze me at the flat-out lies let the faithful tell each other. It's like they just don't get any of the magic from their books anymore and worried the little put other people off of accepting whatever deity, then they tell themselves they're doing god's work or something. When Kurt said the thing about pretending that Moses was watching you really felt the wait there I think. He didn't seem I was joking about it and looked a bit annoyed. I wonder just how much he didn't live life when he was younger because of oppressive concept like that. :-( I grew up religious too and still have moments that I don't feel comfortable with myself.

  • @hb3528
    @hb3528 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    The genius/savant who became an enforcer is a testament to how much the people you are surrounded with lift or push you down

  • @Garrett_T.
    @Garrett_T. 8 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    Holy fuck. Great story. Had me laughing the whole time. Kurt seems like such a genuine dude, even while don't believe 100% of this tale. That's the sign of an great story teller

  • @nategonsalves4184
    @nategonsalves4184 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    These stories are amazing.

  • @blueandgreenslacks
    @blueandgreenslacks 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    One of the best not happenings I've seen.

  • @christianhernandez4053
    @christianhernandez4053 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    we need a new series of this.

  • @lutherstcroix9392
    @lutherstcroix9392 6 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Okay, I need D'Shaunthani to come on this show and tell his story 🙏🙏🙏

  • @BurnedBookMedia
    @BurnedBookMedia 3 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    As a guy who was raised a JW and forced into staying for most of my life, I can tell you this is sooo spot on.

    • @xero9333
      @xero9333 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Can confirm

  • @Zoologic21
    @Zoologic21 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    The anal-retentive avoidance of violence is unfortunately too true. I remember being not being able to play boxing on wii sports for that exact reason.

  • @lilacghost2281
    @lilacghost2281 6 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    I love the amount of Jehovah's witnesses in the comments saying like. "These are the only JW jokes I can relate to!"
    And here I am, everything flying over my head while I'm thinking, "wow...I'm Jewish."

    • @athens_1psvr31
      @athens_1psvr31 5 ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Dakon The Messenger there are no JW’s in the comments. Just people who went to a building.

    • @josiahhooker6941
      @josiahhooker6941 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@athens_1psvr31 does that include you? lol

    • @morpheas768
      @morpheas768 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @Athens_1 PSVR
      Must be a nice comforting lie that you tell yourself.

    • @barbwire531
      @barbwire531 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @@athens_1psvr31 no...I was a born in...my parents Flo and Vic Maynes experience was in the Watchtower...google it...left this horrible cult

  • @HoangNguyen-im4rd
    @HoangNguyen-im4rd 8 ปีที่แล้ว +72

    Anyone else wonders when his eyes are gonna pop out?

  • @atlas4428
    @atlas4428 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Sooo relatable I grew up similar.

  • @dargos0312
    @dargos0312 8 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    The truth is stranger than fiction, good story.

  • @chad3358
    @chad3358 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Ce mec est hilarant. Quelle est la grandeur de ses deux histoires et j'adore la façon dont elles sont liées.

  • @shannyndavis6523
    @shannyndavis6523 8 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    I can't keep frpm thinking that this guy has Rodney Dangerfield expressions with his eyes. lol

    • @WeekendUpdate7
      @WeekendUpdate7 8 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Ha, yeah I see it.

    • @partykrew666
      @partykrew666 8 ปีที่แล้ว

      dude, yeah, i couldnt stop noticing that

    • @chrishamilton2559
      @chrishamilton2559 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      I can't keep from thinking that you have Faye Dunaway expressions with your eyes

  • @danh4724
    @danh4724 8 ปีที่แล้ว +47

    This dude was great on Horace and Pete.

    • @danielnelson424
      @danielnelson424 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Dan Ham thaaaaat's where I remember him from

  • @spaceshipkhan
    @spaceshipkhan 7 ปีที่แล้ว +606

    the intros are completely unnecessary

    • @thedudeabides503
      @thedudeabides503 6 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      spaceshipkhan they're awesome.

    • @hardovski7103
      @hardovski7103 6 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      So is Ari Shaffir

    • @amandastypul4399
      @amandastypul4399 6 ปีที่แล้ว +19

      They're like bonus content. Did I miss the memo about whining being cool? Because there sure are a lot of whiners on these videos about the intros.

    • @amandastypul4399
      @amandastypul4399 6 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Aru Srs Same thing every time? Nah. Seems to me they made a different intro for each episode. They have 3 or 4 guests, so if you watch the individual talks, you will see the same intro. You're watching free content, be grateful it is there and you have the ability to view it. If it's 1:30 of bullshit, then you know exactly where you can scrub to view the content you actually want. Or you can try to appreciate the work of others.

    • @LadyVoldemort
      @LadyVoldemort 6 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      I like them, I think they're entertaining. 😁

  • @joshkw2328
    @joshkw2328 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    This was one of the most entertaining stories I’ve ever heard

  • @aimeelee76
    @aimeelee76 5 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    I've watched most, if not all of these, and this is by far my favorite. ...what if Moses saw?!

  • @nickmanthe-ish2594
    @nickmanthe-ish2594 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    I came across you while watching Kyle. I knew there was something special about you. Glad that you made it out relatively unharmed.

  • @iankadleck2238
    @iankadleck2238 8 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    DUDE!!!!!!!! They were using Run The Jewels for that intro!!!!!! That's awesome!!!!!!!

  • @juliusboers2531
    @juliusboers2531 8 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    one of the best stories!

  • @rodneykennedy7314
    @rodneykennedy7314 8 ปีที่แล้ว +82

    I can definitely relate to the Jehovah's witnesses part

    • @monadamus42
      @monadamus42 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      Hey Rodney! You have an awesome profile picture. I blew it up and I really like it and all the words. Kinda looks like Frank Ocean too which is dope. Take care!

  • @aldousorwell3807
    @aldousorwell3807 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I was raised by an unmedicated Paranoid-Schizophrenic Apostolic/Pentecostal Single Mother in the Florida swamp. Any time I managed to scrounge up enough money to buy a small TV from the resale store, it would take about 3 days for her get herself worked up enough to cut the cord off it and hide it in the woods while I was at school. One time I managed to find one that she had hid before it got rained on. I cut the cord off of a lamp to splice it on to the TV.
    I got the bright idea that if I plugged the cord in first, I could figure out the polarity by touching the bare wires together.
    ...It didn't go well.
    I almost got electrocuted to death trying to watch Steve Urkel.