Autism & Friendship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- Join me for a live discussion on all aspects of making friends as an autistic person:
- How to make friends
- How to keep friends
- What happens when things go wrong?
- Friendship in adulthood
- Online friendships
- The emotional impact of all the above!
I wish I knew how to make friends. I can get along with people at work but I dont know how to make them into a 'friend.' My only friend is my cat :)
me too x
It’s a skill like she said. Honestly you need to practice which is really difficult and scary because It doesn’t feel like you, like you would never go out of your way to meet people. And you’re not very good at it so you fail a lot LOL. There’s a quote from adventure time that I like to use in those moments “sucking at some thing is the first step to being sort of good at something”.
I have one best friend from work. She's silly like me and loves me and my personality. I used to have two best friends at work, but the other was a bit toxic and not enjoyable to be around anymore so I'm happier now that I'm no longer working directly with her. I still talk to her sometimes though.
@Solmaz Dar sure but you can practice talking to people which is key to making friends
Same
It's really comforting seeing someone who understands the struggle maintaining friendships. It really created alot of anxiety and self blame when you're trying your best but people still get mad at you for being honest. I love spending time with people but it does get exhausting having to act a certain way to fit in. It takes a few rest days or to get your day to day things completed. I've had people drop me or turn on me due to this because they take my legit explanation of my need for time alone as an excuse for not wanting to spend time with them. It's a tiring balancing act.
It you can replace them and make new one it doesn’t really matter since then you don’t have to maintain
I definitely do that scan the environment and analyze it as I acclimate. I was very deliberately doing it in junior high school, trying to be a sort of Jane Goodall on my own species. When I scoped out the appropriate troop of weird girls I observe them for a while before deciding to try and break in. It was a highly calculated process for almost 6 months at the beginning of the year before I really felt confident to go talk to them and yet I already knew all of their interests. Because I had been eavesdropping for months. LOL. These were the girls who didn't gossip about other girls, they talked about Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals all the time, as well as Dragon fantasy novels. I knew these were my people and it did work. I miss them dearly. We did not keep in touch when adulthood came. Now as an adult I noticed that I behave the same way whenever I enter a new community. I hang off to the side and look for the weird group. Unfortunately they're not so easy to find because we all have to scatter out into the world and some of us end up going back inside to hide as adults like I am right now. I'm very lonely and depressed. I find it relaxing to hear you speak, even without edits. I like to keep videos like these on in the background even when I'm not actively listening quite often because it helps me not be completely consumed by the thoughts in my own head
I hope and pray that you’ll get a friend. ❤
Completely off video topic but I love your Eva mug! But I agree with the sentiment about feeling as though I need friends that I can irritate. So true. And I love your videos. Haven’t been diagnosed but I resinate with this after years of searching.
Yo Samdy Sam I am expecting you to not see this comment, or not be able to reply, but I was wanting to ask about your pausing, particularly in the beginning. For me, I tend to have this problem a lot, but I am not fully cognizant of why. It tends to happen mostly when talking to people I don't know very well, or whenever nervous, tired, stressed. Really any time there's extra demand on my brain. I know for me it's a variation of me calculating myself (but don't know specifics like why). I've always been particularly slow at processing as a whole, although I've nearly caught up within the past few years. I just know it's unusual because other people would criticize it, and I was temporarily taken out first for supplemental education, and then in middle school taken out with the only autistic person within my grade to take test (he had pathological demand avoidance) because it gave my school the impression that I did not understand the material. I was wondering what kinds of things go into it for you, as well as the stuttering (I did not have this problem till very recently, although my sister developed a stutter within the past few years). Sorry for that being so long. I used to ramble much less, but had a couple of fall-outs that caused me to overcorrect. At this point, I don't know how or where to pull back most of the time.
Did you make s conscious choice to , what's the word, not ham it up? I sound like a jerk, but i feel like im choosing to poise myself for mNy readons. Not masking, but if i lose my center i can get msdking rather than centered.
Hi its 11 pm i cant sleep your here and good for me right now
i've had one period where i could manage being in a group of friends. but i was drinking and taking drugs a lot. i don't recommend it as a long term option
I could never stomach the thought of drink or drugs (alcohol reeks to me - it makes me feel sick); plus the shifting rules and behaviour as the inebriation levels change made these social events even less tolerable than normal. I have mixed feelings about my inability to engage with social drug use in that respect. I can't be around drinking groups at all anymore, I tried for decades but in the end I'm just being disruptive and hurting myself.
I had friends when younger but you always know you are the wierd one or the quite one, and thats fine. Im ok being a bit of a loner but you have to get aong with people in the workplace, Im no good at small talk , dont like sport so cant fall back on that and it makes people uncomfortable if Im silent alot.
Some people even try to interact or draw coversation out of you, sometimes just to pass the time and chat and other times they genuinely make an effort to include you. I always appreciate those people, and feel guilty when I cant give back conversation wise. It gets exhausting, and sometimes my mind just buggers off and leaves me to fend for myself. Even when I try to chat if I have the energy I fumble words and ramble a bit.
I don't understand why people have a tendency to fall out so quickly and easily, it's like someone says one wrong thing and suddenly there's this huge fight and next thing you know they're not friends anymore.
My best friend had lost a lot of friends this way when I met her just because people misunderstood something she said and acted like she's suddenly a horrible person (which is very ironic because she's the sweetest, most caring person I know) and instead of letting her explain herself they just stopped talking to her or even turned on her and started bullying her. It took a long time for me to convince her that I wouldn't leave the second she made a mistake.
I just don't get it because I'm a very loyal person and unless the other person ends the friendship, I'll be their friend for life no matter what.
I feel your friend - it´s completly the same for me.... sounds maybe a little esoteric but I figured out that. on top of being autistic, in Human Design (something like astrology) i am reflector which is explaining a lot of it cause all reflector have these expiriences. Maybe she wanna check it out :) beautiful that you are loyal and a true friend, amazing! :)
Loyalty is blessed
Adult friendships feel business like and boring to me. I want to be more silly, honest, deep, and also helpful. I feel like I help people cause my special interests are helpful but my friends won’t help me with the stuff I don’t know how to do. Oftentimes it’s me who ends friendships cause I attract energy vampires. It’s so funny that I’ll help people in a group and then I think it’s because I can be self deprecating cause I think it’s funny to poke fun at myself, then people think they’re doing me a favor by being friends with “the weird one”
Yes. I have the same problem. I often help people without any questions. But when I need help - I'm always brushed off.
That strategy didn’t work for me and I have no clue where to meet people now that I’m done with school for a long time
@@markbennett5812 I would look into your special interests and anything you enjoy, keep going to those things and show interest in others.
@@tamarayoung2534 I’ve tried that and been rejected at all the places. I’ve given up on ever dating im too low value for that and with my autism I can’t compete ( for every girl that would date a guy like me there are ten guys based on how I look )
@@tamarayoung2534 and it sucks that I probably won’t have friends either my special interest really don’t lead to friends
As an aspie and a special education teacher, I protect my aspie students like a mother bear! We are a mixed group of NTs and NDs. When I see my kids lose it over a bully... I get to school the bully and pick up the pieces for the kid in meltdown mode. It's really hard keeping it together to educate both sides. The aspie doesn't understand that they did nothing wrong socially to deserve the treatment. The bully doesn't understand what the big deal is that they responded in an unexpected and rude way. The other day, a kid flapped his hands, beat his chest, and said, "Uhhhh, I'm autistic. Uhhhh." I told him, I have four autistic children, and they are all quite bright. I talked about them for a few minutes as he turned white with shame. He apologized. ALOT!
@Hasiger Hase Autism has a genetic component and by being autistic herself it’s way more likely that her kids will be on the spectrum as well.
Where were you when I was in special Ed and now getting assessed for being on the spectrum! I had so many bullies. I fought all the time. Had no support but suspension and labeled behavioral. I love u and don't even know you. I'm 39 and ppl like u help get us justice in schools 🤪🤗
Central Coherence Theory: neurotypicals operate on social rules; the neurodiverse operate on moral/ethical rulès
I usually tend to socialize more easily with foreigners, gays, adhds, the cleaning staff at work.
I do direct support for ppl with intellectual disabilities and all of my coworkers act like im *bizarre* for getting along so well with the people supported and empathizing more with them than my coworkers
My mum telling me i only get along with "special people": 😜
My mum when I myself am a "special person ": 👁️👄👁️
The "oh it's getting late, it must be nearly bed time" one has got me badly a few times as it never means what it's meant to. One occasion, on a date. At her house. I took it as my cue to leave, confused because I thought we were getting on fine and it seemed really sudden. I got in my car and drove home nearly 50 miles and was just turning the key in my front door when I realised she was trying to imply she wanted to go to bed WITH me.
I usually make friends with fellow loners. I would end up with the partner or group who didn't have friends in the class and naturally make friends with them. I've never had trouble getting along with other people but I only clicked with specific people
"you meet someone, you discuss and you tear apart their ideas" ...oh man, this is me
Oh dear, me too.
On the bright side, the people who stick around through that tend be be *really* good, interesting conversation partners.
I just discovered your channel, and I love it, you are awesome! Subscribed!
Regarding my friendships as an Aspie, over time I have developed issues with trust, because of my inability to see through peoples hidden agendas. Maybe as Aspies we tend to attract narcissistic people who want to take advantage of our social inabilities and so we often end up getting emotionally abused and exploited? Personally I can count the people who I can trust on one hand, and all of them live too far away for any frequent real life interaction.
Sending you my best wishes from New Zealand!
Thank you! Say hi to the sheep!
@@YoSamdySam Haha, I will! Can see them from my window.
I love that you emphesized the stuttering. I always hesitate as im speaking. Its not necessarily a stutter but i tell patients that it is, when i apologize. Sometimes its hard to find my words. Sometimes i forget something i literally had seconds before.
I also ABSOLUTELY love that you keep saying neuro-divergent. I have been struggling for years with my mental health and im indiagnosed still. Ive always noticed that i have different "personalities". One at work, one at home, and one with friends. But just recently i brought it up to my boss that i feel i could be Triss from Divergent. Of course ive never known the definition. I just explained that to her. I think i am autistic. I also have an inkling she might know too.....
Loren Higgins Samdy Sam says she part of Nerodiversity movement.
Nerovegent a word used in that movement.
A channel Samdy will be happy for me to promote divergent Rebel.
She does talk about Nero diversity.
Another time in a live stream can ask Samdy about other TH-camr she subscribed to.
I get on better with older or younger people. I hardly get on with my peers. I'm good friends with a 92 year old lady. I'm 25. I'm not ashamed of it. She's young at heart.
Reasons why autistic folk might find friendships (forming and keeping them) difficult
- social norms
- social grooming
- white lies
- out of your home environment
- out of a controlled sensory environment
- in a range of sensorily-challenging places
- typically, no truth telling
- tiptoeing around any difference
- essentially, squad goals
- requires masking
- very demanding to understand the roles everyone adopts
- would be much easier if neurotypicals were direct, unambiguous and spoke truthfully
- autistic folk are typically very loyal - more than nerotypicals
- requireacres of small talk
Thank you for being a resource for me to understand ASD. I got an initial diagnosis as I was about to turn 55 and retire from a 29 year career as a teacher. I shared your TH-cam channel with my therapist and I am learning so much about my confusing and often painful life experiences, many of which stemmed from my individual presentation of ASD, but not understood until viewed through the lens of this new information. Thank you for being an informative and relatable content creator.
I’m 30, got diagnosed a couple months ago. It felt so freeing!! I’m glad you found an answer for yourself. Learning about autism has been so eye opening for me.
When I was young I made friends simply by just being around.
As the years went by, more and more conditions seemed to fall into place that I couldn't quite manage.
I drifted away from people I had supposedly been friends with, and spent 24 years in the house, hardly ever going out.
Funny thing: none of my "friends" ever knocked on my door to see where and how I was, in 24 years.
That was a wake up call, and today I live in my own space without friends or a relationship, and I've never been happier.
It must be truly dreadful to be needy for other people.
I could live on the moon and not be lonely.
I'm.a huge fan of you im autistic to I was diagnosed at the age of 2 yrs I'm now 39 yrs old I'll be 40 on Jan 11im a Capricorn I love animals cats to and dogs and I live in Texas I love turtles and birds and dinosaurs !!
The friendship vs dating example blew my mind! 🤯 It never occurred to me that the reason I’m more comfortable dating than making casual friends is because it’s formalized and we actually formally state the relationship.
I have always felt like meeting people and talking to people is HARD. In later life, meeting my man's friends it felt like they always arriwed into the situations being reserved. Like they wanted to find the fault in me because there obviously had to be one. I tried my hardest to be nice and show them my awesomeness but locked down or otherwise blew the interactions. It is such a heartbreak when internally you are screaming that I'M HERE GOSHDARNIT but can't really show it because of communicational difficulties. Very few people i've met in my life that have arrived into inreractions actually wanting to like me. And believe it or not, those few people are still my friends.
OMG, I just realized your cup is EVA from WALLE. I love it.
We are new to your channel. We have a 9 yr old daughter who is non verbal with autism. She also has Celiac Disease. We bet your channel will be very beneficial to us and her! Thank you for your hard work!
I did an economics degree from 1977-80 and did not make one friend the entire time and relied on my high school friends to 'make' friends. One of these, supposedly my 'best friend' actually complained to my girlfriend about that and told her that he was resentful that I was leaving it all up to him and that I wasn't pulling my weight in the friendship department, I stuck with him though. Some 20 years later I decided to dump him for being a self-centered bastard as I risked my own life to rescue his daughter who had been caught in a rip and was being dragged out to sea. I got on my surfboard and paddled the half kilometer to where she was and helped her get back to the shore. While I was saving her my "fiend" (dropped the r) sat on the fucking beach reading a book and was totally oblivious to his 13 year old daughter's plight, I don't think he has ever realised that his daughter would have drowned if it had not been for me.
It is difficult to understand people as it is. When an NT has depression or OCD or ADHD or any of the other pieces of autism, it is easier to relate to them. Therefore, it is easier to understand them. When we can't guess what the heck is going on in their world, it is so much harder to connect.
@Hasiger Hase I didn't mean to offend. I have all kinds of friends from all kinds of backgrounds. All I meant to say was that it is nice to know that there are others out there that experience the same things I do at some level. It makes me feel a little less alone. Also, this diagnosis is new to me. I find myself questioning my ability to actually connect with others as well as I once thought I could. I know my experience of the world is very different than others, and that is fine.
I just want to say, someone with ADHD is not NT. All autistics are ND but not everyone ND is autistic. There’s a huge spectrum of conditions and labels under the ND umbrella.
Two-thirds of the way through this video before I realized that it's an hour and forty minutes long!
Random thought: with all the "message retracted" notifications you were getting, I wonder if you were answering their questions before you read them, or maybe they were feeling embarrassed and deleted their comments?
Speaking as a nearly friendless ASD adult, I can say the issue of losing friends or becoming ostracized is complex, because even if the cause and effect are simple and consistent (ASD person perceived as rude, written off by friends), the triggers or exact events are so subtle or unclear that we're left wondering, "WTF just happened?" Especially when the other person refuses to clarify. I liked that you brought up the "heated arguments" story and the point that NTs are more about keeping the peace. This explains so much.
Hasiger Hase mine too
You are so helpful and so needed. I am 23 and only in the last few months am I realizing that I am autistic. I live in the U.S. and I don't have private health insurance, so getting diagnosed is going to be costly and scary. I really want to, just to have that sense of closure I think, to know I'm not crazy in believing I am this word when all of my behavior up until this point in my life indicates that I am. I have been misdiagnosed several times, most notably with bipolar disorder when I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. I had been on antidepressant medication that obviously made my depression worse, and that was how I ended up in there. I am still depressed, but it doesn't stem from some "chemical imbalance" and more from the environmental stresses of living as an autistic butch lesbian than anything else. In any case, I am so grateful to you for making videos like these. I listen to them while I am working and find comfort in hearing that someone else has had such similar experiences and difficulties in life. It makes me feel not so alone.
So the biggest thing for me is that I hold a ton of information on various subjects. I cannot make a friend if they do not have an adequate amount of knowledge to discuss. Why? What the hell else am I going to talk about?
Then they have to understand and believe my sensitivities and experience.
I cannot have friends that cannot take honesty as love. I cannot have friends that aren't brutally honest themselves.
I have made some NT friends but very little.
Many NTs as you mention want to do social stuff. I prefer nature, museums, parks, coffe shops...quiet places....I cannot even keep up with more than 2 people well in a convo and if I try it is sooo draining.
Jenan, you have a lot of rules for your friends. Honesty is important but so too is kindness.
@@singingbananas9393 they are not rules...just needs.
I am how I am.
Kindness is by far the hardest to find...but most of my friends are quite kind.
@@singingbananas9393 I can accept no friends if these things are not. I have been fortunate to have traveled so I still have a few...but quality over quantitiy.
And as I child, I was almost always alone and it was the most peaceful and beautiful time of my life.
Quiet ❤💙💜
My only friends are from special interests, and I suspect they are also neurodiverse-two have autism defined in their family. I never knew how to make friends, but i have also never been lonely. I guess people are interesting but not essential.
Hello, Yo Samdy Sam! Congrats on the subscribers. I lucked out on watching the live stream actually live last time, but I am in the states and work when you come on. Thank God for snow days! I am a special education teacher and an aspie myself. I appreciate your videos so much. They make me feel sane to see someone else mirror my own awkward thoughts and feelings on being human. Cheers!
If I ever can't sleep at 4am I'll have to do a special live for my US viewers 😉
I actually find hanging out in groups easier than one-on-one! Because there's less pressure on me to carry the conversation or to know what to say - I can kinda observe everyone else interacting and follow along which is much more comfortable. Although my boyfriend recently informed me that NT people might think I don't like them if I sit there and don't engage lol.... so that's awkward .....
I think "blessed/stressed" works! It's kinda like blessing/curse. Tis true when having no friends. No drama but lonely at times ☯️
Gee, how shall I put this: IF YOU'RE AUTISTIC, BEING HONEST IS INSTANT DEATH. Therefore, I have cultivated the silent nod (implying agreement), the silent frown (implying...oh yes, also agreement), and the silent head shake (implying, guess what.....agreement!) I have also been known to look them in the eye and say: Yes, you're right (though this stings like a knife up the nose).
Just want to say thank you. I find support and comfort in your videos. I think both me and my 14 year old daughter and my dad, and his sister and his mom, are/were autistic. It makes sense. I feel the weight ready to come of, but is there anyone to catch? Thank you again.
I love your chrisas tree it's beautiful I love your cat to she is adorable I ask have a black cat his name is shadow
An aut I know is an extreme mimicker as his unconscious adaptation . Gestures, phrases, intonations, facial expressions, commentary, interests. It's a bit off-putting if you haven't seen him for a while and he's a couple of clicks down into another persona. And he doesn't break character unless you whack him....
I am on antidepressants and have been for years but now i am wondering if i have autisim as everything i have heard thus far, in your videos, is me. Where did you get diagnosed if you don't mind me asking?
'I don't believe in left-brain/right-brain theory'
@@SueLyons1 ?
So sad I missed it by less than an hour. I thought I had the notification on. See you next Friday?
I'm doing a regular video next Friday but I'll be doing another live in 2 weeks!
I got diagnosed at 16, and when I told my best friend that I've known since 4th grade, she said she wasn't surprised. Then again she has an autistic nephew. 😂
Lol my old friend (i know him since 5) helped me when i was diagnosed providing info,
You are younger than my daughter. But at 60 my only friends are my two ex spouses, I have given up on the one way fiendships (dropped the r again). I probably spend 150 hours a week with only my cat for company. You should watch Steve Cash (who is bipolar) and his talking kitty Sylvester the cat with an attitude the size of the Grand Canyon. Brilliant comedy.
people manipulating us really is a bummer 😭
I consider you my friend if it's ok with you sam I'm alot like you I have the same diagnoses you do I have autism too was diagnosed at the age of only 2 yrs it was obvious. Back then but I learned to mask it on public now days much better tho now days. Samim.getting kind of good at it but still a rocky at. Masking but it's my work. In progress lol
Communicating on a live stream is not like being in a group of people talking because, you don’t have to figure out how to jump into the conversation and participate as others in the group take over the dialogue.
Sound and vision is fine.
I don't socialise as I feel rather overwhelmed when people latch onto me.
I don't mind chatting to people at bus stops etc.but if someone offered me to go to a party or something I would avoid it like the plague.
The idea of standing in a room for three hours trying to make small talk with people I don't know, and probably won't like sounds like orchestrated bullshit.
I'm not totally miserable though, I'm quite cheerful really.....you know,....
....deep down ha haa.
The main issue I have with friendships is, due to how it's common for men with Asperger's to be a bit more sensitive and therefore have more female friends, this was the case until I was around 14/15. But once I reached puberty, I always feel as though either the girls will believe I have feelings for them, or they might develop feelings for me, so nowadays I have a lot fewer friends than when I was a child.
You mentioned on the video about maybe making a video about what to do while you wait for a diagnosis, and I think that's a great idea!!
You mentioned the thing with the commune. I've lived in a large shared flat once with 5 other people and it was great! I had my own room, but whenever I needed someone else I could just go to the kitchen/living room. Living like that could be very helpful for people like us that don't live together with a partner or family.
@@abbyapplebee9472 Yes, same here. I've lost contact to all of those people sadly.
I hated living with others. I would not leave my room when i heard someone in the kitchen. I want my home to be my safespace, not just one room.
It depends on the people involved. Sadly cliques and ostracisation have been an issue for me in such set ups.
Would it be possible to make a edited down version of this in the 30-45 minute range, or at least under an hour? It's a big ask to sit through and hour and forty minutes, even if I have it on on the background and do something else while listening. If not, don't worry. Failing that, maybe you could make a new video, drawing together everything you've learned about making, maintaining, an even ending friendships, in a more concise offering.
Joe Wells, comedian, and his jelly-balling joke will amuse you, I think, Empress Samanthonius 😊
"...at my core, I am a really loyal person. Unless you start acting like a royal d0uchebag."
Exactly.
Gosh Sam, I wish you were more than a TH-cam friend. I relate to everything you say and out of all the neurodivergent people I listen to online, you are the one most like me 😊. Please keep posting on here. Love your work ❤
And Sam I have 4 pet turtles 2 red eared slider turtles speedy and Doris and I have a 3 toed box turtle I call her allowishiss or. Allie for short and I have a pet russian tortoise his name is max I love turtles and tortoises too I love parrots and parakeets and cockatiels too I love doves and pigeons as pets but I have no birds now just my cat and my 4 turtles
Like you, I also tend to be drawn to people who are neurodivergent. I tend to find that bipolar people like me a lot, for instance.
Im pretty sure that my 2 friends I have are also neurodivergent in some way. That great thing about them is that we can go months without talking but still manage to maintain a good friendship. Which is nice because I really really don’t like talking on the phone and neither of them live close by anymore.
Hi sam how are you. Live your videos. I'm also autistic to I'm 40 yrs old. I live in texas to. I'm zechariah tienter wave hi to me to please sam. Love you your awesome buddy
I had a "friendship" end last week, because of the other person's mental health issues. She's become obsessed with me and even after I got the police involved she tried to contact me through my best friend and then a mutual acquaintance. She then carried it over into another realm. So in the morning I'm going to file a harassment restraining order. I know none of this has anything to do with my sensory or communication issues but it does highlight another failed attempt at friendship. It's definitely scared me away from trying to be friends with people.
I'm an extrovert who needs a lot of down time. I love debating also. Debating is different than fighting.
I can relate strongly to the one way friendship thing. So important not to further invest if your repeated attempts to support them are not reciprocated.
'I spend my life worrying about whether I have offended someone else'
So I’m obviously watching this way after it happened, and I just wanted to drop by and say: I LOVE YOUR MUG 🤗🤗🤗
And as a former Speech Pathology student, there’s an amount of typical stuttering that everyone does!! I’m not hearing anything that would be considered out of the “norm”! 😊
'No one is doing a brain scan or a blood test'
Psychologists are only diagnosing from behavioural presentation
Hey lady!!! Just wanted to say thank you for all the videos you’ve posted! Right now I am currently looking into finding a psychologist to see if I have Aspergers.. pretty nervous about it, but I’m excited to figure out what’s going on with me. Been struggling for quite a long time now
Alivia Griffith Just call her Samdy. It's ok if you not formerly introduce yourself.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for!
Newbies must refer to me as "Empress Samanthanious"
I'm.a bit of a loner im still single I have no girl friend or any kiddos. But I do have pets. I live in East Texas in the USA
Neither do i and i am a straight man. I tried to be vulnerable with my partner and that's the main reason she left last year, she hated what she called my 'timidity' and I was also accused of being jealous of other people and their better social lives.
Please look into the GAPs and carnivore diet. Dr Natasha Campbell founded the GAPs diet (gut and psychology syndrome) and talks about what causes autism in the conversation "veganism causes mental illness" with primal Edge Health
I completely relate to what you said about saying something “negative” about a friend. I definitely see it more as a statement of fact. I’ve had issues when I’ve said to a friend “you (or another friend) are not good at a this thing or a particular skill.” Or I’ve said something along the lines of “Why would you ask this friend for help/to teach you this? This mutual close friend of both of us has more knowledge and is a better teacher.” It’s a statement of fact. It does not mean think I don’t think well of you/or other friend. I just see both strengths and weaknesses. I do genuinely think there are things that my friend I “criticized” are great at, and think highly of them as my friend. In those situations I’ve even said “I’m bad at x, but does it mean I’m not good at y? Stating I’m not good at x, doesn’t mean that I think badly of myself.” I’ve lost friendships or had quite a few arguments because of this tendency to be honest. (I apologize for any typos, I’m dyslexic).
I can totally relate to all you're saying! My best friend, who I grew up with, got taken away from me at the age of 7 and ever since I was the outcast who never fit in. I was the weirdo and never ever made friends again. Smalltalk is something I can't do and hate and maintaining friendship is so stressful to me. I have one best friend who knows everything about me and that one person is enough for me. More would stress me out like crazy. And in a group of friends I always feel overwhelmed with all those voices and gestures and opinions that i stopped going out with friends at an early age. This just totally put me out of everything. I'm 36 now and just got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome after fighting for like 4 years. It was a long and tiring road but now I know and this feeling is so relieving..... I can't explain it in words..... I'm not the crazy one, I'm not weird or wrong.... such a relief!
I’ve become a fangirl of these chats… I love all the different recurring characters. 🥰 I’m so excited that I might be able to join them one day. My excitement I think is equal to a NT’s excitement of going to an upcoming concert. 😀
Lol but if some people have a bunch of cats it's so. Cat I stofic
Did anyone have a link to good articles on Central Coherence Theory? Never come across it before. That snippet about 'social rules vs moral rules' was really interesting, but I can't seem to find anything about that aspect in general articles/wikipedia on the subject?
I'm not autistic , but I have a friend who is. When I tell him I'm busy it means I'm busy. no code. LOL
I know it's already been six months since this live stream, but your channel has exploded again since then. We who understand, relate to, and appreciate you are proud of you and how far your channel has come. Please keep up the good work.
I have aspergers high functioning autism disorder just like you I suffer the same things u go threw I have sincery issues and I struggle with new changes to allso I understand what you go threw I know what you go threw I do too
I took me 6 years to get a referral to get diagnosed.
I go to a tiny gym attached to a swimming centre. There aren't many people and half the time they don't play any music.
I'm binge watching since finding your channel few days ago. (U probably noticed😳🙈) Even online I have a lot anxiety about social interactions. To be honnest I'm being uncomfortable and questioning if u would find it weird or annoying that I have commented on many videos. At the other hand I try to rationalise it by the idea that "the comment section is made for that, and I'm not being mean so why shouldn't I...but maybe it's too much"...and the internal battle goes on😕 I find it so difficult to not get paralyzed by those fears and thoughts. It took me years before I even dare to comment on TH-cam. This username is also not even my real full name, since I don't dare yet to just openly be myself. I'm only recently starting to detach myself from a lifetime of masking, it's a long process. I never concidered that any of this could have a relation to autism. I have been identifying myself as a highly sensitive person with social anxiety till now. Your videos have blown my mind past days. Thank u so so much. ❤
Noor Aziah I hope it's not annoying I've commented on every video. Since I subscribed.
@@garyfrancis5015 Hehe I hope the same. Maybe I'm being extra aware of it because I'm thinking she might feel overwelmed by it. Also I don't want to overdo it cause I easily feel ignored and that affects my self-esteem more than it should.
But most important, I've heard that commenting boosts the algorithm, sooo let's keep going I guess?😊 I wish her to reach many people, I find this channel and her amazing.
I understand your comments on social cues in friendship. I've had a few odd situations like that, where in one example I had a crush on a girl who would immediately respond and stop whatever she was doing to talk to me. However, it became clear later that she was uncomfortable with how much we were interacting and often felt guilted into interacting with me. Interestingly, she was a highly extraverted and 'definitely not autistic' kind of social person.
I've had other situations which are totally different, where friends would not reach out to me at all and I would assume it means they don't want to talk. In one instance, I went to talk to such a friend and she was flustered that I hadn't reached out to her more. She told me I was her best friend, and I didn't even know. With another female friend of mine, I straightforwardly mentioned to her that I wasn't sure if I was reaching out to much to her, and she told me that she wonders the same thing sometimes and that our arrangement was fine, and even invited to talk to me weekly. I actually suspect she is on the spectrum because holy cow she actually was that honest and straightforward with me, and wonders the same questions.
Through all this I have learned that some people are initiators and some people are responders. I tend to be the initiator actually, but then I proceed to infodump my favorite fixations or interesting thoughts to such a degree that unless you find it fascinating you will be listening out of courtesy or because you think I need it 😒. Ugh. Well, in any case, if you are an initiator like me, you have to figure out if they are a responder or if they are just making you their charity project.
I’m working up the courage to tell my friends about my autism. The thought of them responding in a way that minimizes my autism (mild, don’t seem autistic) makes me want to cry. I’ve struggled my whole life and I finally figured out why.
To have someone make me feel like I’m faking for attention or something is a huge fear of mine and part of the reason I haven’t told friends yet.
The idea of doing anything for attention in a social situation when I would probably rather be home alone playing video games is absurd.
Cats are the puurrrfect pets lol
I'm glad I wasn't diagnosed as a child, I would have gotten too much attention and they wouldn't have helped anyway. I'm still undiagnosed because I have to have a why. The biggest reason of course is I don't believe anyone can help, but I do admit its been helpful to find this info.
6 months late watching this, but interesting pieces of discussion about alcohol in social situations. Totally agree with what's been said, it would be interesting to have a more in depth review about this. I started drinking on purpose when I realised that others saw my "unfiltered" or other childish behaviour as the product of being tipsy, so would drink (sometimes even just pretended to if I could) so that they could just go "oh she's pretty drunk, how funny" and pass off the different behaviour (sometimes they would join in too, which was great fun). Sort of like, okay they've seen me drink so now I don't have to act as much anymore.
I.like the spice girls to you said you like spice girls when u were young. I love that song wanna be the most from spice girls
Groups in my opinion are pretty toxic. I am now 60 and I was a member of a group of people for over 20 years but now I could honestly say not one of them is my friend, I think this could be to do with the fact that I gave up alcohol three years ago and we simply cannot relate to each other any more. Also my partner of 15 years left me a year ago, but she does like the occasional drink and she is also the best masker I have ever known and has become almost neurotypical.
Many neurotypical folk have a transactional approach to friendship. When you talk about neurodiverse folk being financially groomed by 'friends ', this is part of it.
I've wondered about what autistic people mean when they say this. "transactional"
So, is it something like when one person invites the other over, and then expects an invitation back?
Or maybe it's an expectation that because I had a conversation about something you chose, now you will have a conversation about a topic I chose?
And this is bad? To me it seems more like taking turns, and not overstepping boundaries/letting a user take advantage of me.
@@er6730 I think it is more that in the transactional relationship the people don't really understand or care about one another. The other person wants you to fulfill a certain function (ex: wingman or girlfriend or whatever) and if you can't fulfill that function for any reason then it is easy for them to replace you with a new cog for their machine.
Videos about autism are my friends, now.
'People are less loyal to us than we are to them'
Noise canceling headphones help me at the gym! U could use those pink ones u showed off in that other video if u still have them. If not u could try Skullcandy Venues. They’re about as good as Bose but waaay cheaper
I find NTs very turned off by my bringing up social justice, politics, capitalism, the environment, and other uncomfortable truths. It's the truth, but it somehow rains on their parade I guess. My real friends enthusiastically agree with me. 🤷♀️
I can't have social friends, since I have no need to be social. I can have long/short term relationship with people due to shared interest, but remove the interest and I have no long term "interest" in the people.
Ex-hobby/workplace where I had "friendships" with the people, but as the hobby/work end, any type of contact ends. Even worse, if I hang around a person and get to know them, I can PREDICT conversations we will have, so I don't even need them to know what they will say, making it boring (AuDHD... boring is painfully hard to deal with).
The world does has genuinely interesting people, but then the reverse problem is most likely true, can I be interesting enough for them.
A cat seems like a much better friend than any human and I don't get tired of them, even past pets still exist as treasured memories, something I can't think of ever having with humans in the same way without some activity being the "treasure".
The Theory of mind
I brought up I just experience it someone on the Spectrum have to be told stop calling me.
Rather than them thinking is he thinking I'm calling to much.
I shouldn't have to say stop calling as much because the person should know because of theory of mind.
A autistic male has to be told stop calling.
Do you know the bonderies the unwritten rules of friendships.
That does tie in a autism and friendship difficulty.
I kind was surprised you said you not known much about theory of mind but psychologist do the eye test (a book of just the eyes reading the emotions) Alexithymia can a test of reading the eyes.
Because the NT intuition read non verbal information.
By subconscience reading of though, feelings and emotions.
Though people's eyes or facial expression tone of voice and body language.
Like 75% of all communication is non verbal 25% is verbal words.
What I experience now, I never used to I hadn't gave the contact to anyone in the past.
I read last night in Attwood book, a Australian autism psychologist, I'm reading people emotions in people eyes by my intelligence not my intuition.
So there is longer thinking process to use my memory to identify the emotion in the eyes.
But that is trying to improve my Alexithymia that is a cross over with emotions.
Is 2 minute to 11 in the morning I should finish these comment off.
I want NT people to feel like I reading their though and feelings though their eyes.
I can't be NT because NT don't use those we'd they their normal.
It only when I explain what theory mind is there like wowl.
I didn't relise how easy we have it.
Especially women who are NT say.
Know we all get into someone head at times?
Or to put the other saying we (NT) can find it easy to walk in someone else's shoes.
I do find theory of mind interesting.
It's morning now. I slept from 11pm to 8am.
There is video by Baron Cohen and theory of mind.
Autism TH-camrs, Purple Ella and agony Autie.
Purple Ella theory of mind video.
th-cam.com/video/1VFHzzHMN50/w-d-xo.html
Thanks I haven't seen that one by Purple Ella, I'll check it out.
Listening to you talk about BPD and then realising.. oh.. I'm actually autistic is my exact experience I'm navigating now. I was "diagnosed" with BPD many years ago. At the time I was grateful I had something to explain "everything" however the older I've become the more I have questioned it and am starting to realise that I'm potentially "high functioning autistic" ("mild" form of autism) or it could be CPTSD or it could be both or neither. In the end, I am undiagnosed officially and don't have the spoons to go through with a diagnosis as I am severely lacking in support to do so. All I know is I stick with saying I'm neurodivergent and that's all I can say at this time.
18:37 I feel that way myself. I'm quite fortunate that my friends I feel are neurotypical just accept me for who I am. I think I just am "myself" (or I suppose not masking) when I'm tired. "Sorry 😅 I feel myself today." I.e., I'm really random and just do not make sense. I say things as they are. I can get away with it with my closest friends or people I feel have asked for it. If I look out for it (which I often don't 😅) I apologise for being tactless 😬 I feel most comfortable with my friends who are neurodivergent though. I don't feel the need to be less brutal than I actually am 😬 Thank you for this 😄 I'll carry on watching now
I just wanted to react to the "haters" and how quick they are to dismiss the diagnosis and everything, based (e.g.) on a few minutes of watching a video (or spending one social event with you). They don't matter, they shouldn't have to matter. They just put their own insecurities and projections and frankly blatant ignorance of the subject on display, but why should you (or "we" as a group) care? I mean you probably can't reply to these with "no, U!"...but I mean, why not? :D What else is there to say?
I'm fairly new to this channel and the concept of actually being autistic (self-identifying, not sure if I actually need a formal D yet), but watching your videos feels like making strides in my self understanding that I wasn't able to make for years before (and oh boy have I tried). So I guess what I'm trying to say here is a) thank you so very much for making these in the first place, b) great job on the delivery and the content, I can only imagine the effort that goes into them, and c) this channel helps and matters to a lot of people (myself humbly included), you're doing great (despite what it takes) and haters don't matter :)
I remember being bullied and excluded and always chosen last one any team.
I was in the nerdy group
We were connected through Dungeons and Dragons gaming and boy scouts and camping skills.
Never retreat.
You mentioned a husky voice.... wonderful dogs.. they sing you know.
Why am I going off on tangents like that.
I know what you meant when you said husky voice.
You have a nice voice.
I love your accent, it's nice
We would probably have been good friends earlier in life.
Maybe not, because I was considered weird, and very marginalized and kept in the fringes.
I talk just fine, but seeing your videos, I would assume you are highly functional and normal.
I know you work hard for excellent content.
Thank you for working so hard for this
I have trouble with words when speaking, but write just fine.
I can write myself into a date, until we meet.
Then she's not attracted to me anymore after she sees the real me if we ever meet at all.
I don't do dating apps anymore.
I often can't tell if people genuinely like me
I have neurodivergent daughters
My youngest son used to line up his toy cars in perfect rows and colors who served in the army in Afghanistan twice.
I'm thinking all my family is like this.
I like friends like what you described as friends to you.
Someone you can annoy and still be friends with.
with little variation, men think about sex every minute! latest psych-bio findings. not so surprising to males, bt extremely shocking to womun! platonic friendships r rate, bt sacred! itz always good to investigate intentions of wants or need ( platonic males usually find other males dull + boring)! bt Def worth it, if u can get a platonic male freind! it's y girls in the kno, will go to gay bars!! ur soon safe in gay bars, even may strike gold by a genuine platonic freind! itz y i, as a womun, find gay men so intriguing! itz nice to feel safe!!
I'm the dinosaur man. Slash. Raptor man. I love dinosaurs. Specialy velociraptors an the. T rex. Lol. Grarararararrr lol hehehe that's a t rex roaring for you sam. Lol