Even as a woman, I can only commend this guy for standing his ground. Because I agree. It isn't his baby, he had no say in the matter, so nothing should be expected of him. Especially after he has made his opinion clear on the matter numerous times.
NTA. Your wife totally ignored your viewpoint so she is in the wrong. Also, how is she sure it's not your baby because OP and his wife would have had to abstain from sex for a few weeks before her being impregnated. Get a DNA test before making the choice of staying married or divorcing.
I think there should almost always be a cooperation between both parents (although this case its not his child, so a bit different), where they both help each other care for the child and help each other get some sleep and small breaks when needed. Sleep is something really essential to both physical and mental wellbeing. But in this case, she kind of brought it on herself and OP is not the asshole, she is for not consulting him first in such a huge decicion that would greatly affect both. Shes gotta suffer the natural consequenses of that.
"I decided im going to carry and give birth to somebody else's child and it's now your problem every step of the way and if you don't go along with this and do everything I say you're a bad person"
Ill be the ah here.... So wife should have moved out a long time ago. She should have moved in with sil and bil... since they obviously r the trio responsible for all the mess in ops life. Is op the jerk in the most current issue... maybe he was a little cold, but no. Nta. Honestly what did wife she expect from op? For him to suddenly chamge his mind? No. He has stuck to his guns the whole time and has said numerous times that this is alllllll on them and he will not help them.
Yeah, the sil and bil should be doing way more but instead they want the husband to partially subsidize this. A stranger surrogate would be getting paid as well so sil and bil are being hella cheap too.
Difficult case. Well I'd at least have taken the baby for that one hour but still she should never have made this decision without your consent. Also her family should have stepped in during the pregnancy, afterwards her mom surely could have helped her out until her SIL is ready to take the baby
This! It starts with a typical "take care of the baby a bit while I go buy groceries" and ends up with "take care of the baby while I go on a girls trip around the world", setting boundaries and enforcing them is important.
Nta, she made her bed. I’d also be double checking to be sure the ex actually did ivf and wasn’t coaxed into doing it the old fashioned way to save money. (Heard where people try this to sleep with both twins or even the step-daughter) It would explain why you weren’t part of the discussion. Either way get an std test.
NTA overall. But you could have given her an hour of sleep by looking after the baby. After all, this child is your own kid's cousin. I think you're right in not wanting any responsibility for the baby but an hour of you time while you were home anyway shouldn't have been a big deal. It seems like you're getting way too much pleasure out of punishing your wife; you're still married, after all.
This is being kind and empathetic wouldn't hurt you. You just acted less than a decent person. I get it you are hurting and rightly so and your soon to be former wife is totally out of line... but the divorce is going through. If it was anything other than sleep I would say you weren't the asshole but sleep deprivation is horrible and for sleep alone i would say give her one break. if only because you do have three children that are yours and hers to consider. She has to be there for them and sleep will help that.
'decency' would be NOT getting pregnant without your husband's consent. She entirely volunteered for the situation, knowing full well the husband was gone if she went through with it. Not his baby, not his wife,not his responsibility. She can do what any other single parent would do if she wants some sleep
I agree if you read my post. I think what she has done is outrageous. Utterly unforgivable and she has blown her own family up and harmed her children. That said I think we don't lose ourself because someone else has been so oh horrific and she is still the mother of his children. If she sleeps she can be a half decent mother to them.. since she has now damaged them utterly. I would encourage him to continue with the divorce but one hour sleep is humanity not condoning her terrible behaviour.
Yes, YTAH. While I understand your position, these are exceptional circumstances with your SIL in hospital. The baby would have gone to her by now otherwise so your wife is looking after a baby she probably had to emotionally prepare to give up. Sleep deprivation is a potential risk to her, the baby or even your own kids. Does your wife drive? Driving is dangerous when sleep deprived, for example. The baby may not be yours, but it is family, being your children's cousin. Also, I dont think its healthy to hold on to that anger and resentment for so long, during the entire pregnancy and now when the baby is born. You could have shown a little empathy for a short while to give your wife a break.
Even as a woman, I can only commend this guy for standing his ground. Because I agree. It isn't his baby, he had no say in the matter, so nothing should be expected of him. Especially after he has made his opinion clear on the matter numerous times.
NTA. Not your baby, not your responsibility.
NTA. Your wife totally ignored your viewpoint so she is in the wrong. Also, how is she sure it's not your baby because OP and his wife would have had to abstain from sex for a few weeks before her being impregnated. Get a DNA test before making the choice of staying married or divorcing.
I think there should almost always be a cooperation between both parents (although this case its not his child, so a bit different), where they both help each other care for the child and help each other get some sleep and small breaks when needed. Sleep is something really essential to both physical and mental wellbeing. But in this case, she kind of brought it on herself and OP is not the asshole, she is for not consulting him first in such a huge decicion that would greatly affect both. Shes gotta suffer the natural consequenses of that.
"I decided im going to carry and give birth to somebody else's child and it's now your problem every step of the way and if you don't go along with this and do everything I say you're a bad person"
Ill be the ah here.... So wife should have moved out a long time ago. She should have moved in with sil and bil... since they obviously r the trio responsible for all the mess in ops life.
Is op the jerk in the most current issue... maybe he was a little cold, but no. Nta. Honestly what did wife she expect from op? For him to suddenly chamge his mind? No. He has stuck to his guns the whole time and has said numerous times that this is alllllll on them and he will not help them.
Yeah, the sil and bil should be doing way more but instead they want the husband to partially subsidize this. A stranger surrogate would be getting paid as well so sil and bil are being hella cheap too.
Tell the bil to come get his kid and get his family look after it or its going up for adoption, the wife really crapped in her own nest, no sympathy
Difficult case. Well I'd at least have taken the baby for that one hour but still she should never have made this decision without your consent. Also her family should have stepped in during the pregnancy, afterwards her mom surely could have helped her out until her SIL is ready to take the baby
Yes but from experience you give an inch and they take 10 miles.
This! It starts with a typical "take care of the baby a bit while I go buy groceries" and ends up with "take care of the baby while I go on a girls trip around the world", setting boundaries and enforcing them is important.
Nta, she made her bed.
I’d also be double checking to be sure the ex actually did ivf and wasn’t coaxed into doing it the old fashioned way to save money. (Heard where people try this to sleep with both twins or even the step-daughter)
It would explain why you weren’t part of the discussion.
Either way get an std test.
NTA overall. But you could have given her an hour of sleep by looking after the baby. After all, this child is your own kid's cousin. I think you're right in not wanting any responsibility for the baby but an hour of you time while you were home anyway shouldn't have been a big deal. It seems like you're getting way too much pleasure out of punishing your wife; you're still married, after all.
This is being kind and empathetic wouldn't hurt you. You just acted less than a decent person. I get it you are hurting and rightly so and your soon to be former wife is totally out of line... but the divorce is going through. If it was anything other than sleep I would say you weren't the asshole but sleep deprivation is horrible and for sleep alone i would say give her one break. if only because you do have three children that are yours and hers to consider. She has to be there for them and sleep will help that.
'decency' would be NOT getting pregnant without your husband's consent. She entirely volunteered for the situation, knowing full well the husband was gone if she went through with it.
Not his baby, not his wife,not his responsibility. She can do what any other single parent would do if she wants some sleep
I agree if you read my post. I think what she has done is outrageous. Utterly unforgivable and she has blown her own family up and harmed her children. That said I think we don't lose ourself because someone else has been so oh horrific and she is still the mother of his children. If she sleeps she can be a half decent mother to them.. since she has now damaged them utterly. I would encourage him to continue with the divorce but one hour sleep is humanity not condoning her terrible behaviour.
Nta
Yes, YTAH. While I understand your position, these are exceptional circumstances with your SIL in hospital. The baby would have gone to her by now otherwise so your wife is looking after a baby she probably had to emotionally prepare to give up. Sleep deprivation is a potential risk to her, the baby or even your own kids. Does your wife drive? Driving is dangerous when sleep deprived, for example. The baby may not be yours, but it is family, being your children's cousin. Also, I dont think its healthy to hold on to that anger and resentment for so long, during the entire pregnancy and now when the baby is born. You could have shown a little empathy for a short while to give your wife a break.
He didn't agree to the responsibilities of a kid that isn't his.
That doesn't excuse the real father from being a no show.