I went from having an anxious attachment style to having a secure attachment style. It took me falling in love with someone who had a secure attachment style who had the emotional maturity to give me the space to figure myself out. It was only 2 years into our relationship that I started to realise maybe this person actually did love me and wasn’t going to leave me. I then became very ill and ended up in hospital, and the love shown to me was endless. I read How to do the Work by Dr Nicole Le Pera at this period and worked a lot on undoing what I had been conditioned to believe. We are now married and happy out, sharing to let people know it is possible but takes work.
I am a counselling student and I find your take interesting and it reflects a lot of contemporary discourse on attachment styles. You might find it interesting to look into the original material by John Bowlby who came up with it, or people like Donald Winnicott. I come from a psychodynamic perspective, which don't really believe in types outside of Anxious or Avoidant or Secure. Avoidance is much more common in men and I think it's very poorly understood by women (including myself here). It's important to know that attachment styles only develop based on your relationship with your parents as children and their own attachment styles, they don't really fluctuate too much. Also couples will always have the opposite styles to each other, or the relationship never forms, its like two ends of a magnet. I also believe a slim minority of people are born secure, it takes work in therapy to change it. I don't think people ever go from anxious to avoidant or vice versa, I think the confusion is because of the words themselves. Anxiously attached people are very much socially avoidant. But attachments are only formed typically with 3 or 4 people in our lives, our parents and some significant partners. Attachment to friends is nowhere near as deep so it reflects your style much less. It's definitely very confusing if you don't have a therapist who knows you to explain it to you directly, who knows your relationship styles intimately. I was very confused and thought I was everything else but Anxious until my counsellor made it very clear that wasn't the case, I think for a lot of girls we don't like to admit we're clingy (I think clinginess is completely misunderstood as being a negative thing, when really it reflects neglectful parents). Psychodynamic people believe in the unconscious containing the most significant portion of our personalities and so it therefore goes on with us being unaware of it the whole time. Being a student of it myself I do think everyone should have a therapist like they have a GP, and they will be able to see a lot of our personalities that we ourselves can't see because of our defenses. Therapy made me learn that men actually have it just as hard as women but we do not understand their experiences because they are often feel unsafe to express their feelings to women because usually women's feelings take the priority, and it really improved my relationship when I could hear my partner more, I think avoidance in men is not understood by women and vice versa applies too which is what causes so many arguments. You might enjoy the show Couples Therapy because it's a great example of a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic practitioner doing therapy with couples.
i grew up with undiagnosed autism. no matter how hard my (also undiagnosed autistic) parents tried, my emotional needs just simply were not met and i'm seeing the impact of that in my twenties
I do think they have importance, especially for people going through therapy but I do think people, especially girls, overuse the excuse of attachment styles to explain why their relationship isn’t working instead of just holding a man responsible. Sometimes I see posts online and I just wanna be like “sis, he’s not an avoidant, he just doesn’t care about you. Go focus on your goals baby girl”
@@KeelinMoncrieff both! Sitting there while a girl describes in intricate detail how her situationship is struggling because he’s an “avoidant” and that’s why he can’t make it official or introduce her to his parents … and I just wanna say “sis, he’s not into you”. And when I was in a rough patch in my relationship, I was recommended tons of attachment theory content and in the comments are so many girls who diagnose themselves as the “problem” in their relationship because they are more anxiously attached, and for so many of them I think they just couldn’t admit that they were unhappy and their man didn’t care. It was easier to blame attachment styles and try to “fix yourself” through that lens. I did the same. But I only actually felt better when my relationship ended and I realised I was just clinging on to a guy who wouldn’t pick me up if I fell.
I found that I only became an anxious and clingy person when I was with the wrong kinda person. It was my body telling me I wasn’t in the right place. When I’m with someone who I feel at ease with, the anxiety is just non existent.
Love this Keelin! This topic has been crucial for my 20s in trying to understand myself and how to navigate my relationships in a healthier way. It's such a difficult one because I find that I have to fight every core of my being to not act from my instinct of anxiety, but you brought up being kind to yourself and I really needed to hear that. Such an informative and helpful video! Looking forward to your next video as always💜 You're amazing. Much love💜
It’s so interesting you have uploaded this! I was talking about attachment style with my partner today - he is avoidant attachment style and I am disorganised/anxious attachment style x
Sorry to see all the negative comments, Keelin! I think this video is extremely interesting and it is obvious how much you’ve explored this area and thought out what you say. It’s fair for everyone to explore and vocalise theories and ideas, regardless of their qualification level. We live in a digital age where material is easily accessible, and in my opinion, would be a shame to ignore. Critical thinking is key to everything you read/research/see online, which I think is emphasised in this video, from my perspective! Other people’s ignorance and opinion don’t disregard the benefits of this video - obviously not the target audience. A great, really informative video. 😊
I’d love to know if there’s any info on how your attachment is affected if you were treated different by each parent, particularly if they’re separated
This is a very interesting video, particularly since I do psychology in college. I think it’s important to acknowledge that attachment types fluctuate and change considerably as a person develops through life. If you’re insecurely attached ( either insecure avoidant - or insecure anxious as Keelin says, or insecure resistant ) that implies that your primary attachment figure hasn’t responded sensitively and consistently to your needs as child during the critical period. Perhaps in the future these people may either find themselves extremely jealous, clingy or might find that romantic relationships are unnecessary. However, a person can recognise and change their attachment types as they grow so you’re not doomed to have a failing relationship if you’re characterised as Insecure Avoidant or Insecure Resistant.
Not me realizing I have a stabil attachment style with clear tendecies to avoidance😭 I don't avoid close relationships in general, but when I'm mad I just shup up, it takes me days to actually talk to people about something that bothered me
Hey Keelin, really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with Best Quality Editing in your videos better than your Editor with good pricing and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail which will help your videos to reach to a wider audience ? Pls let me know what do you think ?
If you’re in a long term relationship and feel like you and your partner are always bickering and disagreeing and not feeling heard please please please read men are from mars women are from Venus you and your partner must both read it it’ll save your relationship
It’s honestly the most eye opening book men and women think and act completely differently, I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15 and I’m still with him ( now turning 20 ) and this book has made us realise over the five years no wonder we argued because we are completely different ( it is very stereotypical men and women so might not apply to everyone’s relationship ) however it’s helped us tremendously
Noooo, John Gray is extremely problematic and has an unaccredited PhD. That book is from 1992 and outdated, plus it's been debunked and proven through modern research that men and women aren't too significantly different in most psychological aspects. However, I guess a book doesn't have to be scientifically accurate to be beneficial, like in your relationship. But it's not a good recommendation if you're wanting scientifically backed reading material.
A diagram might help because this is really hard to digest. Doesn't keep watcher's attention. It might be useful to link a source that summarises this info.
I love the chatty, having a chat with a friend vibes tbh! I’d just go look up a diff video if I wanted a diagram? This is v much in line with Keelin’s content like! ❤😊
@@KeelinMoncrieff not that you care at all as this vid no doubt makes you money and gets you engagement but it is hugely irresponsible for someone with no actual psychology qualifications to be hopping on the internet to tell every young follower they have that they will be a bad parent if they have an anxious attachment. You are not qualified to make these judgements and because you are not qualified you hugely overrepresent and misinterpret the role of attachment styles. Believe it or not there is a lot more to psychology than attachment styles and the last thing your young followers need is you spouting your semi-formed “research” to tell them the first seven years of their life has determined their behaviour in every relationship, friendship and even parenthood. Take it you only replied to my TikTok comment rather than my other one because you had no snarky comeback for that one. Apologies for caring more about your impact on your young audience than you do
@@ew1852 the research from this video are references from ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller and ‘Securely Attached’ by Eli Harwood. The purpose of these video podcasts is to condense information in a digestible way, not a lecture. I’m studying child psychology and found this useful and interesting. Your determination to turn this into something sinister is not worth my time because it is simply because you don’t like me, you’re not achieving anything by consistently commenting condescending and hurtful things other than annoying me. If you don’t like it don’t watch it, or take it up with my tutors or the authors of the books I mentioned 👍
@@KeelinMoncrieff there are far better evidence based books and research regarding attachment styles available than those two. But I understand you’re not studying an accredited course so I’ll leave you be in terms of research. My issue is what you said regarding avoidant attachments will be bad parents is factually incorrect and potentially damaging and certainly not what is said in those books! You seem to hate actual self reflection and criticism so instead have to label me as “miserable” and that I think you’re “sinister” for simply telling you that making “you are X therefore will definitely be Y” claims to a young impressionable audience is dangerous and made worse by the fact you’re not qualified to make these claims. I’m perfectly entitled to leave a comment saying that. You keep referencing other comments when apart from this video I’ve only ever commented on your last one. I’ve watched you and liked your content for years up until these last two videos and your RTE appearance. Unfortunately Keelin when you post on a public platform you will get public comments and some of them will be critical. I’ve never called you names unlike you whose first instinct is to call me “miserable”! Apologies that the people who contribute to your livelihood won’t always agree with every single thing you do and say. Don’t worry I have unsubscribed as I can reflect on my own behaviour and see this isn’t productive. Good luck
“You will have a negative impact on your child if you’re avoidant” Jesus Christ maybe leave the deterministic stuff to people who have actually qualified in the field of psychology? There is no “you are X therefore will definitely be Y” in psychology
I don't think "actions have effects on people" and "ignoring ur child emotions will impact them in a negative way" is a crazy thing to say💀 Or anything u would need a degreee for
@@elena0351did you miss the part where they said "deterministic"? Read the comment again. Keelin can talk about this stuff all she likes and thats ok, but making these claims from reading 2 pop pyschology books is absolutely fking hilarious given that the field of psychology takes over 4 years to qualify in and many students wouldnt even be pontificating like this at even that level of education.
![ตรงที่เดิม - ฝน พรสุดา [ต้นฉบับ :เบส ขวางหวัน]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/c5YnbGEztI8/mqdefault.jpg)
I went from having an anxious attachment style to having a secure attachment style. It took me falling in love with someone who had a secure attachment style who had the emotional maturity to give me the space to figure myself out. It was only 2 years into our relationship that I started to realise maybe this person actually did love me and wasn’t going to leave me. I then became very ill and ended up in hospital, and the love shown to me was endless. I read How to do the Work by Dr Nicole Le Pera at this period and worked a lot on undoing what I had been conditioned to believe. We are now married and happy out, sharing to let people know it is possible but takes work.
You’re the best Keelin. I love our parasocial relationship so much. xx💘❤️🧡💓💜
I am a counselling student and I find your take interesting and it reflects a lot of contemporary discourse on attachment styles. You might find it interesting to look into the original material by John Bowlby who came up with it, or people like Donald Winnicott. I come from a psychodynamic perspective, which don't really believe in types outside of Anxious or Avoidant or Secure. Avoidance is much more common in men and I think it's very poorly understood by women (including myself here). It's important to know that attachment styles only develop based on your relationship with your parents as children and their own attachment styles, they don't really fluctuate too much. Also couples will always have the opposite styles to each other, or the relationship never forms, its like two ends of a magnet. I also believe a slim minority of people are born secure, it takes work in therapy to change it. I don't think people ever go from anxious to avoidant or vice versa, I think the confusion is because of the words themselves. Anxiously attached people are very much socially avoidant. But attachments are only formed typically with 3 or 4 people in our lives, our parents and some significant partners. Attachment to friends is nowhere near as deep so it reflects your style much less. It's definitely very confusing if you don't have a therapist who knows you to explain it to you directly, who knows your relationship styles intimately. I was very confused and thought I was everything else but Anxious until my counsellor made it very clear that wasn't the case, I think for a lot of girls we don't like to admit we're clingy (I think clinginess is completely misunderstood as being a negative thing, when really it reflects neglectful parents). Psychodynamic people believe in the unconscious containing the most significant portion of our personalities and so it therefore goes on with us being unaware of it the whole time. Being a student of it myself I do think everyone should have a therapist like they have a GP, and they will be able to see a lot of our personalities that we ourselves can't see because of our defenses. Therapy made me learn that men actually have it just as hard as women but we do not understand their experiences because they are often feel unsafe to express their feelings to women because usually women's feelings take the priority, and it really improved my relationship when I could hear my partner more, I think avoidance in men is not understood by women and vice versa applies too which is what causes so many arguments. You might enjoy the show Couples Therapy because it's a great example of a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic practitioner doing therapy with couples.
the queen is back🎉
i grew up with undiagnosed autism. no matter how hard my (also undiagnosed autistic) parents tried, my emotional needs just simply were not met and i'm seeing the impact of that in my twenties
I do think they have importance, especially for people going through therapy but I do think people, especially girls, overuse the excuse of attachment styles to explain why their relationship isn’t working instead of just holding a man responsible. Sometimes I see posts online and I just wanna be like “sis, he’s not an avoidant, he just doesn’t care about you. Go focus on your goals baby girl”
That’s so interesting, I haven’t noticed that. Is it from internet discourse you’ve made that observation or from people you know personally?
@@KeelinMoncrieff both! Sitting there while a girl describes in intricate detail how her situationship is struggling because he’s an “avoidant” and that’s why he can’t make it official or introduce her to his parents … and I just wanna say “sis, he’s not into you”. And when I was in a rough patch in my relationship, I was recommended tons of attachment theory content and in the comments are so many girls who diagnose themselves as the “problem” in their relationship because they are more anxiously attached, and for so many of them I think they just couldn’t admit that they were unhappy and their man didn’t care. It was easier to blame attachment styles and try to “fix yourself” through that lens. I did the same. But I only actually felt better when my relationship ended and I realised I was just clinging on to a guy who wouldn’t pick me up if I fell.
Very cool to see you grow over the years. This stuff is important to talk about.
I found that I only became an anxious and clingy person when I was with the wrong kinda person. It was my body telling me I wasn’t in the right place. When I’m with someone who I feel at ease with, the anxiety is just non existent.
this was very helpful! ive been dating someone after 9 months of healing from a breakup and I feel so secure and so healed its really odd
Love this Keelin! This topic has been crucial for my 20s in trying to understand myself and how to navigate my relationships in a healthier way. It's such a difficult one because I find that I have to fight every core of my being to not act from my instinct of anxiety, but you brought up being kind to yourself and I really needed to hear that. Such an informative and helpful video! Looking forward to your next video as always💜 You're amazing. Much love💜
It’s so interesting you have uploaded this! I was talking about attachment style with my partner today - he is avoidant attachment style and I am disorganised/anxious attachment style x
obsessed with this vid
slayed once again
Sorry to see all the negative comments, Keelin! I think this video is extremely interesting and it is obvious how much you’ve explored this area and thought out what you say. It’s fair for everyone to explore and vocalise theories and ideas, regardless of their qualification level. We live in a digital age where material is easily accessible, and in my opinion, would be a shame to ignore. Critical thinking is key to everything you read/research/see online, which I think is emphasised in this video, from my perspective! Other people’s ignorance and opinion don’t disregard the benefits of this video - obviously not the target audience. A great, really informative video. 😊
Love this style of video! Also admire your ability to explain your thoughts & emotions with a touch of gen z humour too 🤗 x
This was so good! Your videos are always great but I loved this one, you are exceptional at articulating these topics and yourself!
i adoree uuuuu
💞💞💞💞
Thank you for this video, it was so insightful and very well explained 🥰provides alot of food for thought 💭
I’d love to know if there’s any info on how your attachment is affected if you were treated different by each parent, particularly if they’re separated
This is a very interesting video, particularly since I do psychology in college.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that attachment types fluctuate and change considerably as a person develops through life. If you’re insecurely attached ( either insecure avoidant - or insecure anxious as Keelin says, or insecure resistant ) that implies that your primary attachment figure hasn’t responded sensitively and consistently to your needs as child during the critical period. Perhaps in the future these people may either find themselves extremely jealous, clingy or might find that romantic relationships are unnecessary. However, a person can recognise and change their attachment types as they grow so you’re not doomed to have a failing relationship if you’re characterised as Insecure Avoidant or Insecure Resistant.
I love the discursive nature to this video ! I’m in psych / neuro research and this is so digestible xx
That’s so interesting! I’d love to study neuroscience, I’m studying child psychology at the moment 💞
@@KeelinMoncrieff Thats amazing ! Starting my masters in Galway in sept if i can feckin find accom hahaha xx
this was so good! please do more of these kinds of informational videos 🧠 i love learning about attachment styles
Not me realizing I have a stabil attachment style with clear tendecies to avoidance😭 I don't avoid close relationships in general, but when I'm mad I just shup up, it takes me days to actually talk to people about something that bothered me
Hey Keelin, really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with Best Quality Editing in your videos better than your Editor with good pricing and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail which will help your videos to reach to a wider audience ? Pls let me know what do you think ?
First😎
If you’re in a long term relationship and feel like you and your partner are always bickering and disagreeing and not feeling heard please please please read men are from mars women are from Venus you and your partner must both read it it’ll save your relationship
I'll have to read thanks for the recommendation
It’s honestly the most eye opening book men and women think and act completely differently, I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15 and I’m still with him ( now turning 20 ) and this book has made us realise over the five years no wonder we argued because we are completely different ( it is very stereotypical men and women so might not apply to everyone’s relationship ) however it’s helped us tremendously
Noooo, John Gray is extremely problematic and has an unaccredited PhD. That book is from 1992 and outdated, plus it's been debunked and proven through modern research that men and women aren't too significantly different in most psychological aspects. However, I guess a book doesn't have to be scientifically accurate to be beneficial, like in your relationship. But it's not a good recommendation if you're wanting scientifically backed reading material.
nooo no, please don't. There's so much research that shows how wrong all of his claims are. It really just reinforces problematic stereotypes
@@larasommer9661 have you read the book yourself?
A diagram might help because this is really hard to digest. Doesn't keep watcher's attention. It might be useful to link a source that summarises this info.
Thanks for the tip!
I love the chatty, having a chat with a friend vibes tbh! I’d just go look up a diff video if I wanted a diagram?
This is v much in line with Keelin’s content like! ❤😊
@@bealtaine237yes and also isn’t this supposed to be a podcast vibe? you wouldn’t necessarily go and watch a podcast
@@amberlol4385hello there, this is a youtube video
@@amberlol4385hello there, this is a youtube video
“Your research” probs seen a TikTok lol
So many negative comments on my videos lol you must be miserable
@@KeelinMoncrieff is that your expert diagnosis?
@@KeelinMoncrieff not that you care at all as this vid no doubt makes you money and gets you engagement but it is hugely irresponsible for someone with no actual psychology qualifications to be hopping on the internet to tell every young follower they have that they will be a bad parent if they have an anxious attachment. You are not qualified to make these judgements and because you are not qualified you hugely overrepresent and misinterpret the role of attachment styles. Believe it or not there is a lot more to psychology than attachment styles and the last thing your young followers need is you spouting your semi-formed “research” to tell them the first seven years of their life has determined their behaviour in every relationship, friendship and even parenthood. Take it you only replied to my TikTok comment rather than my other one because you had no snarky comeback for that one. Apologies for caring more about your impact on your young audience than you do
@@ew1852 the research from this video are references from ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller and ‘Securely Attached’ by Eli Harwood. The purpose of these video podcasts is to condense information in a digestible way, not a lecture. I’m studying child psychology and found this useful and interesting. Your determination to turn this into something sinister is not worth my time because it is simply because you don’t like me, you’re not achieving anything by consistently commenting condescending and hurtful things other than annoying me. If you don’t like it don’t watch it, or take it up with my tutors or the authors of the books I mentioned 👍
@@KeelinMoncrieff there are far better evidence based books and research regarding attachment styles available than those two. But I understand you’re not studying an accredited course so I’ll leave you be in terms of research. My issue is what you said regarding avoidant attachments will be bad parents is factually incorrect and potentially damaging and certainly not what is said in those books! You seem to hate actual self reflection and criticism so instead have to label me as “miserable” and that I think you’re “sinister” for simply telling you that making “you are X therefore will definitely be Y” claims to a young impressionable audience is dangerous and made worse by the fact you’re not qualified to make these claims. I’m perfectly entitled to leave a comment saying that. You keep referencing other comments when apart from this video I’ve only ever commented on your last one. I’ve watched you and liked your content for years up until these last two videos and your RTE appearance. Unfortunately Keelin when you post on a public platform you will get public comments and some of them will be critical. I’ve never called you names unlike you whose first instinct is to call me “miserable”! Apologies that the people who contribute to your livelihood won’t always agree with every single thing you do and say. Don’t worry I have unsubscribed as I can reflect on my own behaviour and see this isn’t productive. Good luck
“You will have a negative impact on your child if you’re avoidant” Jesus Christ maybe leave the deterministic stuff to people who have actually qualified in the field of psychology? There is no “you are X therefore will definitely be Y” in psychology
I don't think "actions have effects on people" and "ignoring ur child emotions will impact them in a negative way" is a crazy thing to say💀 Or anything u would need a degreee for
@@elena0351 that’s not what she said though. Big difference between “can” and “will”
it’s a honest misuse of her words i imagine… but fair enough for pointing it out
@@elena0351did you miss the part where they said "deterministic"? Read the comment again. Keelin can talk about this stuff all she likes and thats ok, but making these claims from reading 2 pop pyschology books is absolutely fking hilarious given that the field of psychology takes over 4 years to qualify in and many students wouldnt even be pontificating like this at even that level of education.