Children are often shamed for having strong emotional responses and told by their parent that they are being immature, selfish and spoilt for feeling upset.
@@Aistuis I don’t think that is a natural state for a child. You need to think about why you might have been acting that way. Were you getting enough positive attention? Were you being bullied? Did you feel the need to compete for attention? What kind of role models did your parents set for you?
@Stellaria2024, how many kids have you been around? I've seen many very well raised kids act incredibly selfish. Sometimes it's not a lack of attention, it's too much attention. And it inflates the kids ego because they like the attention and feel entitled to it.
@@smokingcrab2290 I have 3 children of my own and have observed a lot of other children’s behaviour. You’re right, there are some children who act selfish & spoilt even though they appear to have good parents who treat them well. And there doesn’t seem to be any others explanation except that its the child’s poor choices & personality. But I think for a lot of children, even if the obvious needs are met (depending on your definition of what ‘well raised’ means) if the parents lack self awareness, then they can be insensitive to the child’s emotional needs. Or they can raise them to be narcissistic, because the parents themselves are narcissistic.
Lol I fought alot with my ex DA. She was willing to "communicate" as long as no vulnerability or honesty was required of her. I talked mused horse trying to get her to be transparent till I realized it was useless and walked away
All of this is so true. Most people do not have the communication skills to be in healthy relationship because of their past they don't have the clarity to see another person's viewpoint
@wandasexton643. I hear ya. That would be awesome if schools would teach more interpersonal communication and attachment theory. I’m only learning the tip of the iceberg and I’m 43. It feels like we would have a much healthier society.
Wow! You have such a clear way of expressing yourself. That's the best, most concise explanation I've ever heard. Yet it's not always constant fighting, but the distancing by the avoidant that gets to me. I can sometimes override my anxiety when he needs the distance, but I'd much rather understand and talk through what scares him away so we can stop the exhausting push-me pull-me dynamic.
1000% this. My wife is avoidant and she's sooo distant it makes me incredibly sad. There are days when I sit in my office alone and I am either angry or depressed to the point of tears because I'm living with a woman who just cannot fathom being closer than roommates. And I'm getting to the point where I am tired of making efforts for the health of the relationship. I want to pull myself away. She feels so entitled to all this space when she's locked me into a permanent friendzone. I feel cheated out of what could have been. And it's getting so hard for me to not be resentful.
This is so true. Whenever I saw people have a loud emotional outburst I would immediately think they’re crazy like a relative in my family. But the difference, like you said, is if they’re able to be reasonable afterwards. Thank you!
This only works if your partner respects you. I was with a severe avoidant for 8 months. We did long distance and I ignored a lot of red flags because I liked her so much. She love bombed me early on, told me she’d never met anyone like me and that she was in love with me, that I was the best looking guy she’d ever been with and then would stop talking to me after we spent an amazing couple of days together. I had to chase her and message constantly before she’d start talking to me like someone who isn’t a stranger again. She acted like my best friend and love of my life whenever we were together (which was rare since she’d often not even tell me she was in my city) but then as soon as we were apart it was like she forgot I existed. It hurt so much but I endured it for some reason. Eventually she cancelled plans we had made for a weekend together, stayed out drinking with her friends, got ridiculously drunk, invited me to the bar she was at much later, flirted with 2 guys in front of me and let them touch her, ignored me and forgot I was there, disappeared and cheated on me with some random guy at the bar. Her lack of emotion when she told me what she did and how I should have stopped her said a lot. She even compared me to her ex-boyfriends who “didn’t have a problem with it”. What the actual fuck? I’m no expert but someone who loves you doesn’t do that. She would always use words to express love, but never actions. I felt and still feel the most betrayed I’ve ever felt my whole life. Whenever I expressed my disapproval of how she acted at times, she would always say “well why don’t you just break up with me then? I sound like a horrible person”. She figured out early on that I would try to work through things, and she would threaten to leave or bait me into breaking up with her which she knew would hurt me because of how attached I was to her. Looking back, I noticed a pattern and that she lied several times and likely cheated on me multiple times. I don’t understand what she was looking for that I wasn’t giving her. I feel like a total failure and wonder what is wrong with me. These avoidant types of people use and abuse you because they detect your kindness and how much you will hold on once you’re attached. They don’t appreciate it as much because they are the ones used to being chased and so are able to get it from multiple sources. To them you are very replaceable and they don’t truly love you as the person you are, just what you’re able to provide to them emotionally or physically. Anxious types want to give their love and hope someone will reciprocate, and often end up giving too much only to hurt themselves in the end. My failure was letting my fear of being alone or letting go of a relationship absolutely demolish any boundaries I have. I also didn’t want to be a controlling boyfriend so whenever she said she was doing things that I personally didn’t like, I would just keep a neutral stance and not try to control her even though I was triggered really hard. The sad thing is I feel so broken by this, I don’t believe I will ever trust someone ever again. How can I believe someone loves me if they just lie and say it? In the end she blamed what happened on her CPTSD and how her mother yelled at her when she was a kid. This woman was 39 years old. My parents yelled at me too but I don’t treat my lover the way you did to me. Good riddance ✌🏻 You’ll never understand the damage you did to me and it hurts knowing now how replaceable I was when I considered you the most important person in my life. /endtraumadump
She sounds like such a sick and abusive person. Her behavior was extreme. No capacity for kindness, clarity, empathy. No maturity. You are lucky to have gotten away from her. Forgive yourself. You can learn how to choose a healthy, functiional, emotionally mature and kind woman in the future. Please don't beat yourself up over her, she is clearly creating a big mess and heartbreak for anyone who comes in contact with her. Find a way to move on and heal from this horrific experience. Find healthy couples to observe how a healthy person navigates relationships. We all fall prey to this kind of dynamic at some point in our lives. It seems like the avoidant type person is epidemic in our culture.
The problem is when the avoidant person will never unpack their feelings because they're constantly distracting themselves. And even when you speak gently to them they shut down therefore it is literally impossible to talk to them about anything. And when you tell them what's missing in the dynamic, they don't take your feeling seriously. They play the victim and they blame you rather than having a mindset of "how can we meet each other's needs?"
Avoidants have a mindset of "everyone is responsible for their own feelings". So of course, if you express or tell your feelings to them, especially if you're raising an issue within the relationship, they're going to deactivate, and then they're going to integrate this information as you having a problem, rather than the relationship having a problem, because no other conclusion is available to them. That's the core of their worldview.
Pure honesty from the heart comes from every action followed by the heart's reasons for thinking and feeling that action. And comfortable to share. I call it your emotional blue print. A scale that calls out the truth of self
Very concise and easy to understand explanation. I love your take on building healthy relationship dynamics. Anyone can benefit from that nugget of wisdom.
Sadly, an avoidant partner needs to know you appreciate their performance...however, underneath that is a child who was never loved for simply "being". They've internalized an always critical other who expected them to never show any vulnerability. Ironically, to show vulnerability is to be "all alone". That "banished" child is still in there, but he is the counterpart to the anxious' "abandoned" inner child.
@@Shayitisntso I believe it can be equally hard to get through to all "types" depending on the depth of their wounding. The only way forward is to join with someone, meet where they're at, and push on the wound gently and slowly. After all, it is a wound they endured that is hard earned. They didn't ask for it, and they feel the same pain as you do, whether they show it, or not.
I agree with you, except it wasn't that I thought big emotions were unreasonable, it's that I was shown abuse in response to them... so.....not unreasonable, more like conditioned to fear out of self-preservation... Sadly, I'm so deep into avoidance (use to be anxious-avoidant, but isolation took its toll ...) Most of the time I just want to figure out how to just exist without 99.9% of people. 😅 My heart yearns for intimacy, but I'd rather not have my life nearly get snuffed out.... again. I'm of the opinion that as long as I don't cause harm or give anyone reason to expect anything out of me, whether I grow or not , doesn't make me a bad person. I'd rather be a coward than dead or hurt again. Haven't dated in almost 10 years (and will stay that way until I leave this hellhole). I really only have 2 close friends. I'm hoping to move to the woods one day- they both said they'd visit, haha 😅
Stay out of relationships until you grow tf up and learn to be comfortable with hashing out emotional shit. Just own it and learn to express it. What you seek is exactly what you avoid.
@smokingcrab2290 refrain from giving your two cents to strangers about their own lives - if you can't do so without being respectful. Also, what you had to say was about as useful as a generic fortune cookie. So you really didn't need to reply in the first place.
@smokingcrab2290 I've seen some of your previous posts. Being hurt and in pain because of being in a dysfunctional relationship with an avoidant doesn't give anyone the right to lash out on another person you don't even know. You wouldn't do that in real life; why do it online? Use that pain to transform your life, turn it around, and find the strenght to leave the place of hurt. What have you to lose? More hurt? You can do it 🫂
This has been reinforced by being told any emotional display outside of base line happiness and calmness is seen as too much or needs to be immediately calmed down. Having had anxious partners view any outward emotion as a threat of some kind hasn't helped. It feels unreasonable that I am supposed to allow my partner to yell and scream and slam doors and throw things but I have to remain forever calm (but not too calm or that'll make things worse and be seen as manipulative) and attentive and patient. Being told my partner wouldn't display such big emotions if I acted more appropriately. Being told to calm down because my brow furrowed at some accusation that was levied at me.
Fearful-Avoidant here and, yeah. Even my “positive” emotions like laughter and enthusiasm and delight got shamed as “too much.” I’m also very adhd. Now when I feel any emotion at all, it’s such a struggle to not immediately cover my face for laughing or running away from an area or disassociating. And the only person that I saw For Sure not show disgust or harass me for having emotion is…probably another fearful-avoidant. Who I don’t know will ever be able to accept we’re friends and that’s all we are without a clear-cut status quo change-and I’m FINE to remain friends. Just not acquaintances. But yeah. We’re set off by different stuff so it’s just. Idk if it ever can be functional anymore. Not if everything is an Unspoken or Flipped Lid Impasse
Me and my ex never fought, we would communicate, and get down to a solution. We talked through things with kindness, however over time I think he became bored of that. I didn’t realize that he was an avoidant, and when I was showing love more frequently (we’d been together for almost two years) he broke up with me saying “you’re amazing, best partner I’ve had, you’re perfect on paper but… it doesn’t feel right. I felt the spark in the beginning though!” 🤦♀️ Seems like he actually wants to be treated badly/be dismissed emotionally until he learns to break that avoidant cycle…He said and seemed like he was all about growth, meditation, being present, and self development (avid reader) yet… he would bury himself in work. Still trying to understand why he walked away, however it all points to him being avoidant only chasing a high where healthy communication and treatment became “boring.”
I was just thinking how I need to find a partner who can be ok with me being emotional. Hadn’t said it, but was thinking it, and this popped up. Thanks Heidi
This is why I intellectualize my feelings instead of feeling them sometimes. It’s much better now that I can sit with/in the emotion,feel it and let the emotion pass. Now I think about my emotions more logically after the fact and figure out the meaning behind them. Sometimes it’s just a feeling that needed to be felt other times there’s a deeper issue going on that needs to be resolved within me. I’m working on not getting the ick from people who have anxious attachment styles or are codependent. I usually avoid them altogether which sucks because some of them are really cool people outside of the clinginess and emotional roll coaster they’re on.
Sounds like you're a robot who doesn't understand how to connect with anyone, not even yourself. And it's sounds like a torn who remotely shows any desire for connecting is labeled as clingy or needy to you because you don't want to reciprocate. Find another robot to live with and you'll be good.
I am sorry but i leave avoidant attacher people every time I met one. I’m not supposed to deal with their drama - they need to fix themselves. It is not fair for me to deal with this type of crazy people. Take my advice and don’t deal with them. They will just put you down overtime, by also being 100% ungrateful towards you, your kindness and your patience. Those people think about themselves only, they don’t care about others and deserve to be alone. I honestly think those are the worst people to be with. Guys, follow my advice, run every time you meet one of them, you’ll save yourself some time and protect your mental health.
Then why do seek out content about this type? You know, people with this type are just humans struggling. You totally don't need to build with them or deal with them at all - 100% valid - but you also don't need to demonize people who react to relationships the way they were conditioned to by their guardians in their pre-verbal years. That you react differently simply means you did not have the constant emotional abandonment that they did. Do they need to work on themselves to correct this? Yes. But they are not inherently evil or trying to harm you, which is what your comment implies.
@@evergreenforestwitchuntil healed, avoidants need to remove themselves from the dating pool. instead doing the work, they typically galavant on dating apps.
@@evergreenforestwitchI don’t understand why people come to these videos just to vent about others. It’s very discouraging when you are trying to heal yourself to come watch and find comments conflating you with a bunch of people who perhaps had no desire to heal or weren’t at a place to yet, or maybe weren’t actually like you at all. I love Heidi because she doesn’t focus on romantic relationships as much as a lot of other creators and mostly talks about the whole person, but such comments still crop up.
@evergreenforestwitch he had nicer words than I would've chosen, personally I think all DA/FA's are low-end narcs, just floating black holes that sucks everything in and give nothing back.
Heidi, you’re one of my favorite people on the Internet. And on the world to be quite honest! The way that your mind works and how incredibly integrated you are, body and spirit, mind, emotions, heart🫀and super 🧠brain just completely resonates with me. So many people lean really strongly in one direction, between body, mind and spirit, but you seem to have successfully connected and reconnected the whole system. It would be such a treat to just hang out with you sometime and talk and listen and talk and listen. Philosophy party!😂😂🎉❤❤psychology apéritifs!
The wisdom of this content serves as a catalyst for growth. A similar book I read opened new developmental pathways. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Of course not. You waste your years and billions of nerves to get to them, and all you get in turn is being blamed for their inability to process their own emotions and express their needs. As long as you’re there, you’re always the scape goat for them and the source of their misery. Sorry for the rant tho😅
That's been my experience with avoidants. One was apparently upset with me over something for years, but never said anything, just sat there festering. Then, had the nerve to accuse me of not caring about it, because I never did anything about it. When I said I would have cared had I known, and wished he had said something much sooner, I was accused of blaming him and told I "should have known". Avoidant people are the most toxic human beings, second only to those with cluster B disorders.
I'm glad you don't live in south of France you'd become my new limerence object otherwise 😅 (light eyes get me everytime...) Thanks to you I can put a word on it at least btw 😂😂 As a still part unhealthy ENFP I really appreciate your videos, thanks a lot ! 😘
Funny cause my person doesn't see he creates the chaos that he doesn't want. His displays of dysregulation are initially calm and quiet. He believes is logical without an ability to hold space. I am fearful leaning secure. I don't get upset until I'm not heard and told over and over what I am or am not doing. He knows he needs work but I got dumped for it. Leaning secure... I'm ok! Hope one day he realizes his part.
It’s hard to say anything definitive about FAs because they can either be in the middle, wildly occilate between traits of anxious and DA, or lean heavily one way or the other. I’m FA and I find this largely applies to me.
Part of what you’re saying is that avoidants don’t care about the feelings of others. That’s my experience also. That’s the worst trait someone in a relationship can have. Such people have no business in relationships. Avoidant attachment has some things in common with narcissism.
![[TH] VCT Masters Shanghai Playoffs DAY 5 // 100T vs PRX | FUT vs TH](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/q75pv359eP4/mqdefault.jpg)
Children are often shamed for having strong emotional responses and told by their parent that they are being immature, selfish and spoilt for feeling upset.
because they are lol
They are tho, children are well-known for being immature, selfish and spoilt people.
I was so horrible when i was a kid☠️☠️☠️☠️
@@Aistuis I don’t think that is a natural state for a child. You need to think about why you might have been acting that way. Were you getting enough positive attention? Were you being bullied? Did you feel the need to compete for attention? What kind of role models did your parents set for you?
@Stellaria2024, how many kids have you been around? I've seen many very well raised kids act incredibly selfish. Sometimes it's not a lack of attention, it's too much attention. And it inflates the kids ego because they like the attention and feel entitled to it.
@@smokingcrab2290 I have 3 children of my own and have observed a lot of other children’s behaviour. You’re right, there are some children who act selfish & spoilt even though they appear to have good parents who treat them well. And there doesn’t seem to be any others explanation except that its the child’s poor choices & personality. But I think for a lot of children, even if the obvious needs are met (depending on your definition of what ‘well raised’ means) if the parents lack self awareness, then they can be insensitive to the child’s emotional needs. Or they can raise them to be narcissistic, because the parents themselves are narcissistic.
"...stop the fighting." There is no fighting. Fighting requires emotions. Emotion is to be avoided at all cost.
Lol I fought alot with my ex DA. She was willing to "communicate" as long as no vulnerability or honesty was required of her.
I talked mused horse trying to get her to be transparent till I realized it was useless and walked away
Those we love who put up walls kill intimacy.
All of this is so true. Most people do not have the communication skills to be in healthy relationship because of their past they don't have the clarity to see another person's viewpoint
@wandasexton643. I hear ya. That would be awesome if schools would teach more interpersonal communication and attachment theory. I’m only learning the tip of the iceberg and I’m 43. It feels like we would have a much healthier society.
Wow! You have such a clear way of expressing yourself. That's the best, most concise explanation I've ever heard.
Yet it's not always constant fighting, but the distancing by the avoidant that gets to me. I can sometimes override my anxiety when he needs the distance, but I'd much rather understand and talk through what scares him away so we can stop the exhausting push-me pull-me dynamic.
1000% this. My wife is avoidant and she's sooo distant it makes me incredibly sad. There are days when I sit in my office alone and I am either angry or depressed to the point of tears because I'm living with a woman who just cannot fathom being closer than roommates. And I'm getting to the point where I am tired of making efforts for the health of the relationship. I want to pull myself away. She feels so entitled to all this space when she's locked me into a permanent friendzone. I feel cheated out of what could have been. And it's getting so hard for me to not be resentful.
This is so true. Whenever I saw people have a loud emotional outburst I would immediately think they’re crazy like a relative in my family. But the difference, like you said, is if they’re able to be reasonable afterwards. Thank you!
This only works if your partner respects you. I was with a severe avoidant for 8 months. We did long distance and I ignored a lot of red flags because I liked her so much. She love bombed me early on, told me she’d never met anyone like me and that she was in love with me, that I was the best looking guy she’d ever been with and then would stop talking to me after we spent an amazing couple of days together. I had to chase her and message constantly before she’d start talking to me like someone who isn’t a stranger again. She acted like my best friend and love of my life whenever we were together (which was rare since she’d often not even tell me she was in my city) but then as soon as we were apart it was like she forgot I existed. It hurt so much but I endured it for some reason.
Eventually she cancelled plans we had made for a weekend together, stayed out drinking with her friends, got ridiculously drunk, invited me to the bar she was at much later, flirted with 2 guys in front of me and let them touch her, ignored me and forgot I was there, disappeared and cheated on me with some random guy at the bar. Her lack of emotion when she told me what she did and how I should have stopped her said a lot. She even compared me to her ex-boyfriends who “didn’t have a problem with it”. What the actual fuck? I’m no expert but someone who loves you doesn’t do that. She would always use words to express love, but never actions. I felt and still feel the most betrayed I’ve ever felt my whole life. Whenever I expressed my disapproval of how she acted at times, she would always say “well why don’t you just break up with me then? I sound like a horrible person”. She figured out early on that I would try to work through things, and she would threaten to leave or bait me into breaking up with her which she knew would hurt me because of how attached I was to her.
Looking back, I noticed a pattern and that she lied several times and likely cheated on me multiple times. I don’t understand what she was looking for that I wasn’t giving her. I feel like a total failure and wonder what is wrong with me. These avoidant types of people use and abuse you because they detect your kindness and how much you will hold on once you’re attached. They don’t appreciate it as much because they are the ones used to being chased and so are able to get it from multiple sources. To them you are very replaceable and they don’t truly love you as the person you are, just what you’re able to provide to them emotionally or physically. Anxious types want to give their love and hope someone will reciprocate, and often end up giving too much only to hurt themselves in the end.
My failure was letting my fear of being alone or letting go of a relationship absolutely demolish any boundaries I have. I also didn’t want to be a controlling boyfriend so whenever she said she was doing things that I personally didn’t like, I would just keep a neutral stance and not try to control her even though I was triggered really hard.
The sad thing is I feel so broken by this, I don’t believe I will ever trust someone ever again. How can I believe someone loves me if they just lie and say it? In the end she blamed what happened on her CPTSD and how her mother yelled at her when she was a kid. This woman was 39 years old. My parents yelled at me too but I don’t treat my lover the way you did to me. Good riddance ✌🏻 You’ll never understand the damage you did to me and it hurts knowing now how replaceable I was when I considered you the most important person in my life.
/endtraumadump
I hope u r okay now,take care❤
She sounds like someone that has bpd
Dawg no ones reading all that
@@sm-yu7dt i did
She sounds like such a sick and abusive person. Her behavior was extreme. No capacity for kindness, clarity, empathy. No maturity. You are lucky to have gotten away from her. Forgive yourself. You can learn how to choose a healthy, functiional, emotionally mature and kind woman in the future. Please don't beat yourself up over her, she is clearly creating a big mess and heartbreak for anyone who comes in contact with her. Find a way to move on and heal from this horrific experience. Find healthy couples to observe how a healthy person navigates relationships. We all fall prey to this kind of dynamic at some point in our lives. It seems like the avoidant type person is epidemic in our culture.
Word…
You stated here what I have felt for a lifetime. I’m encouraged by your work and grateful to you for it.
This is so eloquently put. Well done 👍🏼
Well said. That's how emotionally mature people should be.
Thank you for this, Heidi.
I’m so glad you were suggested in my feed!
Heidi you’re simply amazing. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It’s slowly but surely sinking in and being integrated. ❤
The problem is when the avoidant person will never unpack their feelings because they're constantly distracting themselves. And even when you speak gently to them they shut down therefore it is literally impossible to talk to them about anything. And when you tell them what's missing in the dynamic, they don't take your feeling seriously. They play the victim and they blame you rather than having a mindset of "how can we meet each other's needs?"
Avoidants have a mindset of "everyone is responsible for their own feelings". So of course, if you express or tell your feelings to them, especially if you're raising an issue within the relationship, they're going to deactivate, and then they're going to integrate this information as you having a problem, rather than the relationship having a problem, because no other conclusion is available to them. That's the core of their worldview.
IMO Partner could be replaced with any relationship here really.
Pure honesty from the heart comes from every action followed by the heart's reasons for thinking and feeling that action. And comfortable to share. I call it your emotional blue print. A scale that calls out the truth of self
It just doesn't make sense to find a partner, it's too much work.
Very concise and easy to understand explanation. I love your take on building healthy relationship dynamics. Anyone can benefit from that nugget of wisdom.
How on earth do I tell that to an avoidant partner without seeming like I'm displaying strong emotions?
I imagine there are ways to do that but they would all involve psychological manipulation so I don't advise any of them.
Lol, it’s impossible to get anywhere with these types.
Sadly, an avoidant partner needs to know you appreciate their performance...however, underneath that is a child who was never loved for simply "being". They've internalized an always critical other who expected them to never show any vulnerability. Ironically, to show vulnerability is to be "all alone". That "banished" child is still in there, but he is the counterpart to the anxious' "abandoned" inner child.
@@Shayitisntso I believe it can be equally hard to get through to all "types" depending on the depth of their wounding. The only way forward is to join with someone, meet where they're at, and push on the wound gently and slowly. After all, it is a wound they endured that is hard earned. They didn't ask for it, and they feel the same pain as you do, whether they show it, or not.
@@Dd94949 wow you have learned a lot!
I agree with you, except it wasn't that I thought big emotions were unreasonable, it's that I was shown abuse in response to them... so.....not unreasonable, more like conditioned to fear out of self-preservation...
Sadly, I'm so deep into avoidance (use to be anxious-avoidant, but isolation took its toll ...)
Most of the time I just want to figure out how to just exist without 99.9% of people. 😅 My heart yearns for intimacy, but I'd rather not have my life nearly get snuffed out.... again.
I'm of the opinion that as long as I don't cause harm or give anyone reason to expect anything out of me, whether I grow or not , doesn't make me a bad person. I'd rather be a coward than dead or hurt again.
Haven't dated in almost 10 years (and will stay that way until I leave this hellhole). I really only have 2 close friends.
I'm hoping to move to the woods one day- they both said they'd visit, haha 😅
I had to check this post to see if I’d written it. There are probably lots of us
Only? That’s two more than I have…
Stay out of relationships until you grow tf up and learn to be comfortable with hashing out emotional shit. Just own it and learn to express it. What you seek is exactly what you avoid.
@smokingcrab2290 refrain from giving your two cents to strangers about their own lives - if you can't do so without being respectful.
Also, what you had to say was about as useful as a generic fortune cookie. So you really didn't need to reply in the first place.
@smokingcrab2290 I've seen some of your previous posts. Being hurt and in pain because of being in a dysfunctional relationship with an avoidant doesn't give anyone the right to lash out on another person you don't even know. You wouldn't do that in real life; why do it online? Use that pain to transform your life, turn it around, and find the strenght to leave the place of hurt. What have you to lose? More hurt? You can do it 🫂
Very good point of view. This could also be used during the power struggle phase of the relationship.
Your videos hit the nail on the head every single time 💯‼️🤞
This has been reinforced by being told any emotional display outside of base line happiness and calmness is seen as too much or needs to be immediately calmed down. Having had anxious partners view any outward emotion as a threat of some kind hasn't helped. It feels unreasonable that I am supposed to allow my partner to yell and scream and slam doors and throw things but I have to remain forever calm (but not too calm or that'll make things worse and be seen as manipulative) and attentive and patient. Being told my partner wouldn't display such big emotions if I acted more appropriately. Being told to calm down because my brow furrowed at some accusation that was levied at me.
Beautifully said Heidi! ❤
Fearful-Avoidant here and, yeah. Even my “positive” emotions like laughter and enthusiasm and delight got shamed as “too much.” I’m also very adhd. Now when I feel any emotion at all, it’s such a struggle to not immediately cover my face for laughing or running away from an area or disassociating. And the only person that I saw For Sure not show disgust or harass me for having emotion is…probably another fearful-avoidant. Who I don’t know will ever be able to accept we’re friends and that’s all we are without a clear-cut status quo change-and I’m FINE to remain friends. Just not acquaintances. But yeah. We’re set off by different stuff so it’s just. Idk if it ever can be functional anymore. Not if everything is an Unspoken or Flipped Lid Impasse
Me and my ex never fought, we would communicate, and get down to a solution. We talked through things with kindness, however over time I think he became bored of that. I didn’t realize that he was an avoidant, and when I was showing love more frequently (we’d been together for almost two years) he broke up with me saying “you’re amazing, best partner I’ve had, you’re perfect on paper but… it doesn’t feel right. I felt the spark in the beginning though!” 🤦♀️ Seems like he actually wants to be treated badly/be dismissed emotionally until he learns to break that avoidant cycle…He said and seemed like he was all about growth, meditation, being present, and self development (avid reader) yet… he would bury himself in work. Still trying to understand why he walked away, however it all points to him being avoidant only chasing a high where healthy communication and treatment became “boring.”
Helpful angel Heidi
Excellent
Mormonism and its extreme focus on reverence teaches young children that only quiet peaceful emotions are valued. So yeah, this resonates.
I was just thinking how I need to find a partner who can be ok with me being emotional. Hadn’t said it, but was thinking it, and this popped up. Thanks Heidi
Well said ☺️
This is why I intellectualize my feelings instead of feeling them sometimes. It’s much better now that I can sit with/in the emotion,feel it and let the emotion pass. Now I think about my emotions more logically after the fact and figure out the meaning behind them. Sometimes it’s just a feeling that needed to be felt other times there’s a deeper issue going on that needs to be resolved within me. I’m working on not getting the ick from people who have anxious attachment styles or are codependent. I usually avoid them altogether which sucks because some of them are really cool people outside of the clinginess and emotional roll coaster they’re on.
Sounds like you're a robot who doesn't understand how to connect with anyone, not even yourself. And it's sounds like a torn who remotely shows any desire for connecting is labeled as clingy or needy to you because you don't want to reciprocate. Find another robot to live with and you'll be good.
Never realized i had this until i got married and so glad i found your channel
Heidi we miss you, come back!
I am sorry but i leave avoidant attacher people every time I met one. I’m not supposed to deal with their drama - they need to fix themselves. It is not fair for me to deal with this type of crazy people. Take my advice and don’t deal with them. They will just put you down overtime, by also being 100% ungrateful towards you, your kindness and your patience. Those people think about themselves only, they don’t care about others and deserve to be alone. I honestly think those are the worst people to be with. Guys, follow my advice, run every time you meet one of them, you’ll save yourself some time and protect your mental health.
Then why do seek out content about this type? You know, people with this type are just humans struggling. You totally don't need to build with them or deal with them at all - 100% valid - but you also don't need to demonize people who react to relationships the way they were conditioned to by their guardians in their pre-verbal years. That you react differently simply means you did not have the constant emotional abandonment that they did. Do they need to work on themselves to correct this? Yes. But they are not inherently evil or trying to harm you, which is what your comment implies.
@@evergreenforestwitchuntil healed, avoidants need to remove themselves from the dating pool. instead doing the work, they typically galavant on dating apps.
@@evergreenforestwitchI don’t understand why people come to these videos just to vent about others. It’s very discouraging when you are trying to heal yourself to come watch and find comments conflating you with a bunch of people who perhaps had no desire to heal or weren’t at a place to yet, or maybe weren’t actually like you at all. I love Heidi because she doesn’t focus on romantic relationships as much as a lot of other creators and mostly talks about the whole person, but such comments still crop up.
@evergreenforestwitch he had nicer words than I would've chosen, personally I think all DA/FA's are low-end narcs, just floating black holes that sucks everything in and give nothing back.
You need help
Thanks
Whoa! 😍 lol YOU ARE GORGEOUS!
I learned this too late.. working on it now is better than later I suppose.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Heidi, you’re one of my favorite people on the Internet. And on the world to be quite honest! The way that your mind works and how incredibly integrated you are, body and spirit, mind, emotions, heart🫀and super 🧠brain just completely resonates with me. So many people lean really strongly in one direction, between body, mind and spirit, but you seem to have successfully connected and reconnected the whole system.
It would be such a treat to just hang out with you sometime and talk and listen and talk and listen. Philosophy party!😂😂🎉❤❤psychology apéritifs!
Thank you ❤
The wisdom of this content serves as a catalyst for growth. A similar book I read opened new developmental pathways. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Is it normal for dismissive avoidant person to burst out at the partner for all the unsaid needs and validation?
Of course not. You waste your years and billions of nerves to get to them, and all you get in turn is being blamed for their inability to process their own emotions and express their needs. As long as you’re there, you’re always the scape goat for them and the source of their misery. Sorry for the rant tho😅
@@vemrith that's an eye opener! I respect your point of view! 👍
That's been my experience with avoidants. One was apparently upset with me over something for years, but never said anything, just sat there festering. Then, had the nerve to accuse me of not caring about it, because I never did anything about it. When I said I would have cared had I known, and wished he had said something much sooner, I was accused of blaming him and told I "should have known". Avoidant people are the most toxic human beings, second only to those with cluster B disorders.
This is so true …
Uh, yeah. Ain't nobody got time for that!!! #singlelifehereicome!
You had me at Hello….. Hello.
So true !
Great videos. I miss the F words from the early ones though. 😁
Bingo!
How is it possible that Heidi always have sth to say so relevant to what I’m currently living? 😮
Practical!
Omg I wish you could counsel my husband.
I'm glad you don't live in south of France you'd become my new limerence object otherwise 😅 (light eyes get me everytime...) Thanks to you I can put a word on it at least btw 😂😂 As a still part unhealthy ENFP I really appreciate your videos, thanks a lot ! 😘
Funny cause my person doesn't see he creates the chaos that he doesn't want. His displays of dysregulation are initially calm and quiet. He believes is logical without an ability to hold space. I am fearful leaning secure. I don't get upset until I'm not heard and told over and over what I am or am not doing. He knows he needs work but I got dumped for it. Leaning secure... I'm ok! Hope one day he realizes his part.
Do you help people who need it ?
I think this only applies to DAs. Fearful avoidant/disorganized are okay with emotional displays
Hey, what's DA? 😅
@@rashakhan7693dismissive avoidant.
It’s hard to say anything definitive about FAs because they can either be in the middle, wildly occilate between traits of anxious and DA, or lean heavily one way or the other. I’m FA and I find this largely applies to me.
Youre cool :)
🌞🌞 🌺🌻🌺 🌞🌞
Nobody in your aidience is going to unpack any feelings
Wise words from Heidi.
I have given up on relationships so I don't screw them up.
Haha, that's the back up plan, but my heart isn't fully cold yet so I am still trying.
I like fighting.
😂😂
Where do I find someone who actually knows this stuff? I have not found MY therapist. You know?
Ah so thats how to pronounce upheaval
I'm struck by how introspective you must be
Sure, you make this sound so simple. But in reality it actually is, but for attachment issues you cannot see it.
Gosh, that sounds like way too much work. I’ll stick to casual.
Part of what you’re saying is that avoidants don’t care about the feelings of others. That’s my experience also. That’s the worst trait someone in a relationship can have. Such people have no business in relationships. Avoidant attachment has some things in common with narcissism.
I'm about to send him this video after I gave the ultimatum of hin showing up tomorrow or not... should I?
no
It is creepy you read me like a book with some stuff you're saying.
Why are you smiling inauthentically while talking about such a serious topic?
Am I the only one who finds that triggering?
She is smiling, because she is giving a message of hope to those of us who are desperately lost.