When the scapegoat ends up self-destructing/self-sabotaging and entering unhealthy relationships with narcs as a young adult, the narc parents will feel validated, and they’ll say,” I told you she/he is not mentally well. Look at the horrible life choices our child is making. They need psychiatric help!”
Yes! Until I was old enough to learn about family systems, I believed the lie, too.😂 I recognized the repetition cycle, but I couldn't figure out what in my family of origin could have caused it. I kept learning, kept searching. Eventually I got caught up with someone who was extremely avoidant, and both he and my mom sent a DARVO via text within 24 hours. And suddenly, so much of my life clicked into place. I stopped sharing with her unless necessary around 7yo. My siblings didn't understand why I "rocked the boat;" I had been responding to gaslighting and bulldozing. I am still working on their perception of me; they think I am unhinged. Yet somehow, everything is cheerful and supportive and calm when it's just us, without my mom. She created holiday drama just a few years ago, but after the fact, I figured it out. She had intentionally set up my sister and I to feel slighted by each other, sharing some information and withholding some. I think she is afraid. She hasn't ever apologized for anything to me. It is very difficult for me to consider her dangerous or as having a negative effect on my life. But when my therapist suggested she could be projecting onto me, it opened up a whole world! No wonder I was so confused, my primary mirror was warped! I've recently been stuck in a sort of self sabotage cycle. I thought maybe wanting her approval has something to do with it. I feel afraid to do well, like I am not allowed. In my mind, I am over it. But in my body, there is still hurt and ache and longing, for some present parental figure.
Living in that 'unfixable home situation' was like carrying around a weird, awful, far too heavy burden, never possible to put down anywhere - I named it 'The Secret' as it was impossible to talk about it
YES me too!!! SO many crime a parasites they glue themselves together with their undressed pathological lying abuse humanity glue so GROSS like a caterpillar of blobby perverted criminals sewn together to eat us all alive :O
Jay, these videos are so on point that I often find myself wandering into flashbacks while watching, but the value here is the ability to process in a safer space and take in the advice. It's painful to purge and process but so necessary, thank you!
Exactly right, Dr Reid! Mid 40’s, trying to locate my interior. Starting to realize there IS still beauty in the world….inside myself, in nature, in some other people, in the future.✨
Many of us didn't even experience that because the narc parent made us out to be bad, psycho to everyone as a way to derive sympathy and praise for being a wonderful mom to a child like me, there was no safe space, I am just beginning to grasp me at 50 & have let the narc life givers go! The private realm is so important there lies life beyond your trauma and past! Thank you
Some day miracles happen.in my case it actually happened. Back story. 1986 graduated from high school haven't lived with since in 1999. Golden daughter gets married, half sister .weddings sibling. Weddings are difficult.
I hit send. Opps, continued. I was surprised I was the maid of honor. Her best friend lived across the the street. And was more like her sister than I was. As I spent my childhood grounded for exciting.I am 6 yes older.and not her daughter. As she did not give birth to me married my father when I was 3 in 2013 . 50th parent's anniversary. Big party at sister's house with new husband. I had never met yet 1999 wedding mom forgot my dress shoes at home on back of her door. Best friends mom drove back to get it for me. I had no no idea this happened until we had to get dressed for the event. All hell broke loose bride mad mom's mad my fault.i mailed from Seattle. My parents had said for abt 2 week's beforehand in 2013 50th.in front of sister's new husband . It happened. Best friend mother. Approached . I forget her name . Met her once .at the wedding. Now my mother joined in conversation. So what's your side of the abt the dress. I stated I've not seen it since I mailed from Seattle. Via San Diego. She looked right at my mom, and called her out.i knew you were lying. At the time. And your lying now. Mom walks away.
It’s my theory that most comedians come from narcissist homes. They used humor as children to diffuse attacks from the parent. I myself was funny and humor offered a brief reprieve. I felt like a clown and resentment build in since the only time I seemed to fit in with my family was when I could get them to laugh. They always seemed surprised at my talent to be funny. I now know jealousy was the root of me being designated the scapegoat. I had so many natural talents and I had no idea my parents not only discouraged me to foster my talents but were secretly jealous. Later when I became an adult my parents would copy me. I remember my dad bought the same car as me and each time I saw him he campaigned how much superior his car was because his version was X5 and mine was X3. Little did he know I preferred the smaller model of the SUV. But they always had to outdo me or compete with me.
Yes. The narc family tries to sufocate your stregths, talents, joy, and any good thing you have. However, little do they know that by treating you so badly you develope extra gifts that maybe will need actualization or updating and yet be very useful, like you being fun and funny.
Omg my dad bought the same car as me too! After charging me money to “store” my car in his garage while I was away- I lived in another country at the time. Every time I would visit the mileage would have increased dramatically and he always swore it hadn’t.
I'm glad my story helped validate your experience. I agree it's weird when they copy us. Mostly because they devalued us so much that's its odd that they "respect" anything we choose. I did not know at the time it all stemmed from jealousy.
My mother was a pillar of the community. Also abused the hell out of us kids every day she got back home. "She is such a lovely sociable person" my friend would say even after I started telling them what she really did to us. It is like two faces, two people in one. The act is SO good.
In the last 8 years I have cut a lot of toxic people out if my life. I want to learn more about myself before I really open myself up to others, because I know until I have a strong sense of self I am prone to getting caught up in another and ignoring my inner experience. But, now I'm realizing that I am struggling with so much shame because I don't have any close friends. All of my life, and especially in recent phone conversations with them, my parents have emphasized the importance of friends and family and have always been judgemental of those that they see as closed off from their "friendliness". They have always insinuated that I need others to watch over me, keep me motivated and give meaning to my life. I feel pressure to make new friends because having no close friends is shameful. But, to push too soon I'll get sucked into making the wrong friends just to try to prove I'm worthy. Making friends shouldn't be such a big deal that it creates social anxiety. I want it to be organic, not pushed. And to be organic, I can't be out there looking just to say I have one, which is what I've done all my life...ugh!
My goodness that's how I also felt about not having friends or family. I have been alone too for 2 years, I felt the shame however after seeing a narcissistic therapist who shamed me for not having friends, I am realizing that if people like her can have friends, that doesn't mean people who have so called friends are good and those that don't are not. I also developed a healthy egotism because all the friends I had in my past really drowned and sunk my self esteem
7:00 The best bit is even here you can have a further dysfunction where you are in a toxic community, so there is no living up to others appreciation as a way out. It's just one form of low level abuse in the home and another form of low level abuse in the community. No way out.
Very interesting. In my case, I did learn to value the perceptions of others more than my own perceptions, but I didn't find my mother's outside-world behavior a relief. I was caught in the net of believing that she actually WAS the generous, loving person she presented to the outside world, and I didn't matter, and/or girls have little intrinsic value, and/or the duty of children is to minimize their own needs and meet the needs of the parent. I see more and more how coping strategies of surviving narcissistic abuse can form the foundation for being narcissistic. The narcissistic parent is clearly more concerned about what the outside world thinks, and probably developed that as a coping strategy, also! If that person never develops a true sense of themselves and their own value apart from 'what those outside my immediate sphere think of me,' they'll probably pass the abuse on, just from their desperation to impress the outside world. I'm truly thankful that I was not in the position to abuse others prior to my own recovery! Thanks, Jay!
“The duty of children is to minimize their own needs and meet the needs of the parent.” Wow. How screwed up is it that not long ago, I wouldn’t have questioned that statement? I feel like I grew up in Bizarro world.
My Life as a child was like that,thank you Jay ,I 've lived my life not understanding my mother behavior and blaming myself,it's been so tough.Greetings from Spain
I've always referred to that Jekyl and Hyde personality behaviour by my parents as 'The Big Fake' . The threat of being beaten within an inch of your life if you did anything to make them look bad in public was real . I was raised to worry more about what everyone else thought of me than to be able to think for myself . It wasn't until I was past my mid teens that I realized no one seemed to be concerned in the least what I thought of them and was able to start turning that self conscious worry around a bit . I've lived a life long rejection of going to church because of my parents' Big Fake behaviour and the violence and ugliness that was hidden at home . Good and accurate description of the home life of scapegoated kids. - I found it quite triggering also .
"Recovery involves knowing that it is now safe to inhabit the private realm of one's self and getting to relate to other people's genuine expression from their private realm". That was so helpful, thank you! I never experienced this growing up and never realized it was a possibility until just recently.
For some reason I felt like i was surrounded by narcissists and bullies outside of the home as well as inside. I was the class clown at school and kind of a daredevil like i would just do anything they told me so that i would get their validation. Or i would just create a huge scene and spread rumors about myself like i had rabies and i was part wolf 😂💔
I think I did something like this. Unfortunately though narcissists exist outside the family too. That’s what stumped me. It kinda reinforced the abuse at home. And then because you are now wounded, you get picked off again…. And again… and again. Until of course you understand that there are people in the world who have completely different objectives at the basic relational level and none of it is to benefit another. Love your videos. Really helpful 😊. Thank you
At home, in your parents... And if they aren't safe, my deepest and most sincere condolences...because you will never find what you are seeking outside of your own self.
Definitely, so astute again, thank you so much. I loved my entire school years as I was so well recieved by my teachers and classmates and at home I made sure I spent a lot of time in solitude or outdoors.
I completely agree, some of them are cautious though because of their public image and they don't mind holding their horses until they get home, their car or any more private and secretive place to 'give you whar you deserve'.
Minute 3:15 (three with fifteen seconds) you said "The child really treats the family like crap and sort of exults everyone outside the family..." I think you made a tiny mistake...could get confusing. When you, as scapegoat, interact with "outsiders" and see that they are not as horrible and neither are you, this also can develop later as codependency. Perhaps those people could tell the narc jerck that you are a fine kid, which could again cause the parent to enrage with renewed envy. The narc jerck will isolate you even more so that you can't elicit any nurishment, friendship, etc. or stablish a healing comparison between your wounded self and your true self. As you mention, one has to strech and twist in almost inimaginable ways to "survive" the narc jerck (or jercks, like in my case) "parent" so that you get adaptability, vision, independence from their sick approval, capacity to be alone and comfort yourself without hurting others, be a good listener, value true friendship (narcs need lots of money and status, as you mentioned, to buy their prey), try always very hard not to follow the jerck's example, even when it's very hard to be that aware all the time. Thank you very much for your channel, you are quite good at understanding and explaining what it really means to be a scapegoated child...I sometimes think that, perhaps, you also were a scapegoat yourself (with all due respect). The approach you give to your teachings is unique and exceptional because most people talk about or look for information about relationships with narcs as couples, rarely as children of one of those beasts. God bless you.
Thank you, you are so very welcome and also I want to apologise for using some rude words in my comment. I guess I got too excited, right? It won't happen again.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 my heart goes to you. As a former scapegoat, I understand all this. I see what you wrote was perfectly clear and respectful, I did not see any rude words, or what I would think of as rude. Your response was classic scapegoat child, doubting yourself and apologising for it. ❤️ to you. You are right, absolutely 100% right in your initial comment. Please try to support you, you know more than you realise. 🙏
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 Adriana : well spotted. You're a careful listener ! Thanks for noticing & clearing confusion. Yes, this therapist really understands so well.
You are doing great work. The personal touch of voice and face…added to good information…is making this form of educational psychotherapy far superior to bibliotherapy. Not only are you good, but some of your peers are as well. I believe that what you all are doing will change many lives. I know my own life is the better for it. Thank you.
Your dog really respects you. "The narcissistic parent treats the family like crap..." yes down to the bone when they are 'nice' this is the most painful because as you know it is weaponized so your trust for others is either totally shot or hard to earn-- .. got it.
Something I find happening often is around some people or people who feel unsafe, including on TV, if one of my child parts gets triggered I have the awful feeling like that persons words are in my own mind stronger than my own thoughts and feelings. I think it happens particularly if I sense it would be threatening not to agree with or to not be well received by a person. I see things through their eyes and I lose touch with my own emotions to such an extent I begin to actually panic, it feels I'm being taken over by this other persons thinking and feelings. An example: I don't enjoy sports but if I'm around an unsafe feeling person who likes sports I start to feel their emotions of liking sports. It gets really unpleasant when the persons thinking is completely at odds with my own and especially with my morality, eg someone glorifying stealing or being rude to people. It's like I have no real control over this.
I've always had this need to " explain" . Explain to the Narrsasist mother/family. Explain that they are junkyard dogs ripping people, places and things to pieces that trigger their narrsasistic injury/shame/unworthiness. I've also noticed through my recovery efforts how the family ' LOVE IT' when somebody takes a fall. It's a supply feast for them..
As a recovering over-explainer, I have learned late in life, that using words to set narcs straight is not effective, but walking away and explaining nothing really works well!
I get it! Now that I've cut most narcs out of my life, I am still explaining in my head to anyone that pops into my mind. I do this most of the time. The days I don't are priceless. I think I do this partly because I am still so frustrated with the unfairness I've experienced and partly to tell my side of the story, wanting to convince people I'm not as bad as the narcs say I am. The narcs definitely like to see others fail, to prove them right and make them look better in comparison. I am now afraid of doing anything wrong, because the narcs can say " see what I mean, you are incompetent"
@@marciaquinnnoren1360 Yes, walking away feels much better than explaining. I finally did this with a friend that didn't like the way I responded to her (I was going grey rock) and didn't like when I said no to a favor she requested.
@@goldieh7121 I still explain things to people in my head too! So glad to read someone else does this, I catch myself, explaining my actions, to absolutely no one. I stop and say, you don’t own anyone an explanation. Thank you for your words.
Spot on. In my case my friends' families, youth orchestras and homestay families were a sphere of mental, emotional and psychological relief with huge doses of normality. It was better than TV or movies to watch sane families interact with each in a loving and mutually respectful way. It was a revelation to eat meals together without tension, stress and unpleasant manipulative mind games.
Thank you, Jay :). Very helpful insights. I'm contemplating how if being shamed is seen as a wounding, like a spear through your body, then when one has escaped it seems easier to see the injuries as woundings rather than believing there is something wrong with "me". Easier to recognise spears too!
The duality u talk abt Jay is the significant dissociation from the Real Self.. to a more pliable Shame based Critical Self.. that honours unconsciously the care giver in a position of power vis a vis the vulnerable toddler/ adolescent. It's very basic 2 understand n acknowledge that wth a Narcissist Care taker there is no Fiduciary relationship. You are on your own.. n it dawns upon u in adulthood when you are consciously aware.. that there's this rudimentary condescending self talk going on.. I think it's very very important to have a spiritual and highetend state of curiousity 2 break away from this rigid pattern..n one of the ways u cn achieve that is through Transcendental Meditation.. observing ones Mind..n having True n Genuine Compassion for Life.. n really commending urself for navigating thru what u have been through 💕💕💕
🥺❤️Thank you so much for the recognition of my insecurities i have never felt safe anywhere to express 🙏😊it has taken sooooo long to even begin to get better from all i have endured and this helps so so very much ✌️😌💓
Thank you so much for putting this information out there. As an adult I have just recently started to truly uncover what was happening in my home between my mother and I. I am trying to do the work I need to do to face these realities but it is not easy. My heart is breaking as I uncover these truths but I am trying to give myself the love I need. I especially like your video where you talk about how focusing on your breathing can be the pattern interrupt for difficult feelings and memories that arise.
So true. The need to feel accepted so important and the effort I made to be attractive and entertaining and helpful was exhausting. I would eventually feel resentful since other people didn't seem to have to need to impress like I did, just to gain acceptance.
I watch these videos every week and I'm always thinking I'm going to find one that doesn't apply to me or I can't relate to, but it's like every one hits the nail on the head. I especially like this one because I've never thought about why I do this, but I think it's so true that I live my life almost completely externally. I have a great job, lots of friends, I was always athletic, always the funny one. But I'm no good with actual intimate relationships. I think it's true that I feel more safety trying to achieve that role of what I think I'm supposed to be rather than return to the kind of relationships I experienced growing up in my home.
Jumping in to share my experience as I sense choosing to “come out” and publicly share the “secrets” is part of living in defiance of the narcissist’s rules and thus integral to the path of healing. A key takeaway from this video for me was the insight into WHY I have tended to spend so much energy caring about what others think of me. For the first time I see this as a coping mechanism that I depended on, as a way of instilling hope at a young age that I was worthy of the love, acceptance and appreciation I was not receiving from my family. As many scapegoats were I imagine, I was extremely isolated from the world for my first 18 years of life. When I became of the age that I would begin to establish myself as an autonomous being, at 13, I was indefinitely “grounded” by my narcissist father after my mother read my diary (of course without permission) and shared it with my father. I had slept over at a (same gender) friend’s for the first time and shared with my diary how liberating that had been. From then on I was only permitted out of the house to go to school or do things with only my parents (my father GPS-tracked my phone and car, or took them away, or offered them as something I could pay for to use (without the opportunity to make money), got copies of all of my text messages with friends from the phone company and interrogated me about each one, used threats, aggression and physical violence to terrify me of defying his rules, ridiculed me as a “slut” and “whore” for trying to get restaurant jobs at a young age and “work for tips”, and hired private investigators to keep track of me, to list a few of his tactics). Thus I sought much validation from teachers in my schoolwork, from peers in my beauty, in my “goodness”, “integrity” etc etc. Recently the programmed voice inside of me said, “Why didn’t you ever reach out more for help from teachers or friends of your parents?” Of course I was too confused, and thought most would be too smitten in my father’s external projection, or believing of the “troubled teen” identity I had been given, to speak up then, and probably for the best; so I just tried to appeal to them. However, a memorable (traumatic) wake-up moment came when it was time to apply for Ivy League schools. As I had been basically imprisoned by my father, I had no transformational life experience to write about (as we had been encouraged to), and at that point, also had Stockholm syndrome as a coping mechanism to survive my father’s abuse by believing his false projection of himself. Therefore, I wrote my application paper about how wonderful my father was, how he showed me “tough love” through his punishment towards me (how my codependent enabling flying monkey mother used to justify it). When I submitted it to my teacher, who was someone I felt was an ally at the time as I was his top student, he was disgusted. He said, “This doesn’t make me want to accept you to my university. This makes me want to NOT accept you.” After that he totally changed in his treatment of me and began giving me low grades. Clearly he was not a safe person! Fortunately with the immense help of Jay’s videos I am learning to give myself the love and acceptance I did not receive, as well as how to identify and surround myself with safe people. Today (11 years after leaving their house, and 1 month of no contact - this time) I do notice that it is helpful for me to socialize (other than for the great benefit of community support), as the way I can be so well-received reminds me of the rare and valuable person I am, that on my own the programmed voice has tended to shame. Fortunately again with the help of these videos and a (currently) near-constant self-care practice, I am filling myself up and sharing myself with safe people more from an overflowing cup than from a need for validation. Endless gratitude to you, Jay, and my prayers, love, empowerment and hope-filled support to each and every one of you fellow survivors!! You sharing your stories helps me share mine… We are loving, compassionate, trustworthy, creative beings and loving ourselves is our birthright 🙌
Ahhh yes, you said it. I was actually thinking about how I was off the hook for a few hours if we had visitors at home. But oh boy, if anybody complemented me too much on my good behaviour I would really cop it later. I was then warned that nobody would believe me if I said anything bad about her. I started to realise that I wasn't the problem, but it was scary when I was young. I wondered what would happen if I misbehaved, but it just wasn't me. I told nobody about the abuse, but not just because I thought I wouldn't be believed, but also because I had friends and I just wanted a normal relationship with them. But it felt burdensome.
I just wanted to say Thank You! for making these videos. I have asked "why do I do that?" for so many years. I felt like there was something wrong or broken about me. No one really got or understood my side. Now, I can see what I did as an extremely logical coping strategy. It helps me reframe those past experiences and gives me hope for the future. Thank you again for making these videos!
Someone just said to me that people who were victimised then victimise others. i always understood this & forgave & accepted unreasonable life in silence because of it.
I had a school teacher and Sunday school teacher that really nurtured me between ages 8-10. One wanted me to be baptised and my parents mocked me about that but I done it anyway. I had a sense of something bigger than me even then and somewhere inside I knew I couldn’t be so bad if these two amazing women loved me.
Can you do a video on how a scapegoat can determine if they’re married to a narcissist? I’m coming to terms with my family situation and I’ve gone no contact. It’s harder with my husband. He can seem so loving and then turn on me in an instant. I never got any love from my parents. My gut tells me something is wrong, but I’m so scared to trust my gut.
I’m in exactly the same position. Escaped my malignant narc mother and her revolting enabler 5 years ago. My husband betrayed me with them by conspiring with them to remove my only child from the country. They all lied about it, even the 9 year old. I thought he was understanding and loving too, but he turned on me so hard, more than once, it shocked me to remain quiet for a decade. Now I’m free of him, I see it so clearly, I did not trust my gut and it was spot on. Always has been, even when I was not paying attention and took matters into its own hands. As in, I seemed to operate on auto pilot and then all of a sudden have a powerful reaction to something my gut was screaming at. Every single time, my gut was right. Every. Single. Time. Trust your gut, it’s the Truth Teller.
It’s so astonishing how much I didn’t see … knowing the facts but not the screaming why … and you can’t understand how much damage was done until you feel you’re worthy enough for your harm to matter to yourself… to have empathy for myself because it/I hasn’t mattered to them. They’re so cold. I don’t live in that world and never want to live there. These people are so dangerous and miserable. I’m sorry for them. I really am. Even more so I’m sorry for humanity and all the things that contribute to this… whether biological or because we’re not living in healthy natural human tribal conditions and so people are getting so messed up…. and I’m MOST sorry for everybody who has to experience this sh** who isn’t dealing it out! We humans, all of us, are really quite sensitive and complicated and those lost people make such bad internal choices for whatever reason at whatever ages that turn them into horrible people! makes them just AWFUL to people and no guilt on top of that cr** mountain they’ve dumped! all the the people on this planet who don’t do this kind of sh** who found themselves swimming in it-I wish they all knew this!!!!… and so many lost people in systems of power who create misery on Earth too!!! …and we have 10,000 more tools of tyranny available now than ww2 and more power is in fewer and fewer hands! It’s strange how we are so advance “technologically” but until HUMANITY is healed, until humanity is healthy… all technology in the end will be used for toxic power if it can be. After reading 1984 in 7th grade, it made me think a lot… to know my dad so well and know how horribly he wielded his power and to know that men like that can control large amounts of people on the planet 🌎 the solutions globally and healing human relationships really is going to be Love-I consider everything you teach to be about Love and Truth. How could the world learn all this stuff…. Maybe school should go on longer years to teach healthy psychology and human relationship…
like my pastor father??? or my lawyer ex spouse? OH let me tell you - everything you say is spot on! I am starting to just live alone with my dog - I have trust issues now
I can’t even remember what my mom said or did. She wasn’t a screamer. She talked through her teeth a lot and sort of simmered with anger. I lived in fear of what she might be thinking. I got out of that house as soon as I could at age 17. I have grown up feeling utterly worthless and defective, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what happened.
This is the hardest teaching i have heard of yours. I cant locate the pieces and parts of myself that are orchestrating these habits of thought and feeling.
Thank you. This has been the motivation for a lot of achievements in my life. Then, me, as the scapegoat, makes one mistake and everything I've achieved outside the toxic family system is devalued in a smear campaign. But today, I met an old friend who hadn't heard the gossip. She apologized for accidentally asking how the bad thing that happened was going. I didn't feel ashamed, but rather a kindness of connection to her. Very interesting. I want to explore why I felt this way more.
Being authentic in an inauthentic world will cause alot of rejection as long as you no who u r and it’s not your rejection an staying in your truth wil b hard an bring up a lot of fear because of the worthlessness childhoods we had try not to take anything personal b bold b courageous an u wil sure find out who your family or friends r thicken your skin good luck people an always b kind to yourselves 🙏✌️
I really need help so that i can travel to California please Mr ....narcs have ruined millions of lives in this universe!!!! I have suffer so much due to the narcs?abuse etc......
Wow! You are spot on. I put a lot of energy in my looks for acceptable treatment from others. Most ppl think I’m shallow but I’m actually extremely nice .. unless your cross me. Great video!
Your videos are invaluable, very deep. Thank you. Have you done a video on why a narcissist accuses others of narcissism while doing the very things s/he decries in others?
Hi Jay, firstly - thank you for your incredible videos, I have learnt so much from you, even though I’m just starting my healing journey, and that’s mostly because you create videos that are incredibly informative, and you do so in what feels very much like a ‘safe place’. Therapy has always been so difficult for me and pretty much been re-traumatising, but your videos make me feel like perhaps there’s a chance of recovery in my future... I’d lost that hope for so long and I’m SO grateful for you!! I have a question for you or for anyone that reads this that has any advice? I grew up with a narcissistic ‘mother’ who absolutely hated me and still does. She left when I was about 12, and I’ve had no contact for about 20yrs now, but the damage was already done. I’ve been in several toxic, violent relationships with narcissists and that’s how I finally started to learn where the roots of my mothers abuse have effected my life choices. My problem is, and it’s overwhelming me with the pain of it, is that although I am positive that I’m not a narcissist, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and I’ve raised my children with many of the same controlling, selfish, harmful, awful traits that my mother raised me. My (young adult) children are clearly suffering and I know it’s my fault. A narcissist cannot/will not change and doesn’t care what damage they do, but I am changing and I do care and I feel like I’ve come out of this ginormous ‘fog’ and now I can clearly see the devastating damage I’ve caused my kids. I love them so much, they’re my world, I don’t know how to heal myself and I don’t know how to heal them???
i feel stress or anxiety can make a person go from normal to complete narcissist over night.... that's what happened when my mom had to go to work when i was in high school.... before that she was never critical etc
Can narcissistic behavior in a parent not be as obvious in the early childhood and adolescence experience of a child but become very pronounced in the child's adulthood when the child's success and separation becomes very clear, leading the child very confused as to who the parent really is?
Jay, thank you so much for your insightful videos! You explained my life to a Tee!! You have been such a blessing during my healing journey! Thank you sooo much!! Much love!! 🙏💛💜💚
It was a slap in my face when I read my late father’s obituary. All these comments were way off base. One described him as “kind”, and that couldn’t be further from the truth! Whoever wrote that had absolutely no idea what his true nature was.
The example about answering the phone and being all nice- my mother would go through that and then flip back to rage. Same with people who came to the house- the minute they left she would be on about how stupid they were etc. I could never figure it out. Problem is, my parents did fostering, and the social workers thought they were saints. Hah. Those kids were tormented, though not physically like we were, just mentally.
Mine was exactly the same. Screeching at me, then turn to the phone or door, all sweetness and light. So fake. As soon as people left, she would rip into her enabler about what so and so said and how stupid so and so was. He would get trapped for hours while she ripped everyone apart. I used to feel bad for him, her enabler, not any more. People had no idea how much she secretly loathed them and looked down on them but would pretend to the ‘loveliest woman’. No clue you just met pure evil.
I was voted class clown. I don’t find all to much very funny these days. My cousins want me the same as when we were younger, they don’t understand so much.
When we say survivor of narcissistic abuse it s implied that there a non survivors as well. Can you talk about the difference between them and perhaps paint a little picture of non survivors?
Hi Jaye, thank you for this interesting vid. Could this psychological coping mechanism relate to the painful and debilitating loneliness I experience when I’m alone?
Hi Jay just found your channel and there’s plenty to relate too. Was wondering if you’d ever do a vid on what happens when you have two parents on the spectrum? Your insight on that would be interesting
ya when people asked is everything alright, r ur parents getting a divorce ? lol.... im just like ya everything is fine but me.... and theres nothing that can be done about it
When the scapegoat ends up self-destructing/self-sabotaging and entering unhealthy relationships with narcs as a young adult, the narc parents will feel validated, and they’ll say,” I told you she/he is not mentally well. Look at the horrible life choices our child is making. They need psychiatric help!”
Yes! Until I was old enough to learn about family systems, I believed the lie, too.😂
I recognized the repetition cycle, but I couldn't figure out what in my family of origin could have caused it. I kept learning, kept searching. Eventually I got caught up with someone who was extremely avoidant, and both he and my mom sent a DARVO via text within 24 hours.
And suddenly, so much of my life clicked into place. I stopped sharing with her unless necessary around 7yo. My siblings didn't understand why I "rocked the boat;" I had been responding to gaslighting and bulldozing. I am still working on their perception of me; they think I am unhinged. Yet somehow, everything is cheerful and supportive and calm when it's just us, without my mom.
She created holiday drama just a few years ago, but after the fact, I figured it out. She had intentionally set up my sister and I to feel slighted by each other, sharing some information and withholding some.
I think she is afraid. She hasn't ever apologized for anything to me. It is very difficult for me to consider her dangerous or as having a negative effect on my life. But when my therapist suggested she could be projecting onto me, it opened up a whole world! No wonder I was so confused, my primary mirror was warped!
I've recently been stuck in a sort of self sabotage cycle. I thought maybe wanting her approval has something to do with it. I feel afraid to do well, like I am not allowed. In my mind, I am over it. But in my body, there is still hurt and ache and longing, for some present parental figure.
Living in that 'unfixable home situation' was like carrying around a weird, awful, far too heavy burden, never possible to put down anywhere - I named it 'The Secret' as it was impossible to talk about it
YES me too!!! SO many crime a parasites they glue themselves together with their undressed pathological lying abuse humanity glue so GROSS like a caterpillar of blobby perverted criminals sewn together to eat us all alive :O
Jay, these videos are so on point that I often find myself wandering into flashbacks while watching, but the value here is the ability to process in a safer space and take in the advice. It's painful to purge and process but so necessary, thank you!
They also become dangerously people pleasers.
Yes. Thinking good feelings only come from pleasing outsiders. 😕
Exactly right, Dr Reid! Mid 40’s, trying to locate my interior. Starting to realize there IS still beauty in the world….inside myself, in nature, in some other people, in the future.✨
Many of us didn't even experience that because the narc parent made us out to be bad, psycho to everyone as a way to derive sympathy and praise for being a wonderful mom to a child like me, there was no safe space, I am just beginning to grasp me at 50 & have let the narc life givers go! The private realm is so important there lies life beyond your trauma and past! Thank you
Some day miracles happen.in my case it actually happened. Back story. 1986 graduated from high school haven't lived with since in 1999. Golden daughter gets married, half sister .weddings sibling. Weddings are difficult.
I hit send. Opps, continued. I was surprised I was the maid of honor. Her best friend lived across the the street. And was more like her sister than I was. As I spent my childhood grounded for exciting.I am 6 yes older.and not her daughter. As she did not give birth to me married my father when I was 3 in 2013 . 50th parent's anniversary. Big party at sister's house with new husband. I had never met yet 1999 wedding mom forgot my dress shoes at home on back of her door. Best friends mom drove back to get it for me. I had no no idea this happened until we had to get dressed for the event. All hell broke loose bride mad mom's mad my fault.i mailed from Seattle. My parents had said for abt 2 week's beforehand in 2013 50th.in front of sister's new husband . It happened. Best friend mother. Approached . I forget her name . Met her once .at the wedding. Now my mother joined in conversation. So what's your side of the abt the dress. I stated I've not seen it since I mailed from Seattle. Via San Diego. She looked right at my mom, and called her out.i knew you were lying. At the time. And your lying now. Mom walks away.
It’s my theory that most comedians come from narcissist homes. They used humor as children to diffuse attacks from the parent. I myself was funny and humor offered a brief reprieve. I felt like a clown and resentment build in since the only time I seemed to fit in with my family was when I could get them to laugh. They always seemed surprised at my talent to be funny.
I now know jealousy was the root of me being designated the scapegoat. I had so many natural talents and I had no idea my parents not only discouraged me to foster my talents but were secretly jealous.
Later when I became an adult my parents would copy me. I remember my dad bought the same car as me and each time I saw him he campaigned how much superior his car was because his version was X5 and mine was X3. Little did he know I preferred the smaller model of the SUV. But they always had to outdo me or compete with me.
Thank you for sharing. It really helps to hear others share. My father copied me in different areas...it was so weird!
It is very strange when your parent competes with you!!
Yes. The narc family tries to sufocate your stregths, talents, joy, and any good thing you have. However, little do they know that by treating you so badly you develope extra gifts that maybe will need actualization or updating and yet be very useful, like you being fun and funny.
Omg my dad bought the same car as me too! After charging me money to “store” my car in his garage while I was away- I lived in another country at the time. Every time I would visit the mileage would have increased dramatically and he always swore it hadn’t.
I'm glad my story helped validate your experience. I agree it's weird when they copy us. Mostly because they devalued us so much that's its odd that they "respect" anything we choose. I did not know at the time it all stemmed from jealousy.
My mother was a pillar of the community. Also abused the hell out of us kids every day she got back home. "She is such a lovely sociable person" my friend would say even after I started telling them what she really did to us. It is like two faces, two people in one. The act is SO good.
In the last 8 years I have cut a lot of toxic people out if my life. I want to learn more about myself before I really open myself up to others, because I know until I have a strong sense of self I am prone to getting caught up in another and ignoring my inner experience. But, now I'm realizing that I am struggling with so much shame because I don't have any close friends. All of my life, and especially in recent phone conversations with them, my parents have emphasized the importance of friends and family and have always been judgemental of those that they see as closed off from their "friendliness". They have always insinuated that I need others to watch over me, keep me motivated and give meaning to my life. I feel pressure to make new friends because having no close friends is shameful. But, to push too soon I'll get sucked into making the wrong friends just to try to prove I'm worthy. Making friends shouldn't be such a big deal that it creates social anxiety. I want it to be organic, not pushed. And to be organic, I can't be out there looking just to say I have one, which is what I've done all my life...ugh!
@@sferrara Wishing you the best through it all💕
Some say that you get to be really lucky if you have one true friend in your life time and perhaps they mean it like being your own true friend.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 Love that!
Ditto!
My goodness that's how I also felt about not having friends or family.
I have been alone too for 2 years, I felt the shame however after seeing a narcissistic therapist who shamed me for not having friends, I am realizing that if people like her can have friends, that doesn't mean people who have so called friends are good and those that don't are not.
I also developed a healthy egotism because all the friends I had in my past really drowned and sunk my self esteem
7:00 The best bit is even here you can have a further dysfunction where you are in a toxic community, so there is no living up to others appreciation as a way out. It's just one form of low level abuse in the home and another form of low level abuse in the community. No way out.
Very interesting. In my case, I did learn to value the perceptions of others more than my own perceptions, but I didn't find my mother's outside-world behavior a relief. I was caught in the net of believing that she actually WAS the generous, loving person she presented to the outside world, and I didn't matter, and/or girls have little intrinsic value, and/or the duty of children is to minimize their own needs and meet the needs of the parent. I see more and more how coping strategies of surviving narcissistic abuse can form the foundation for being narcissistic. The narcissistic parent is clearly more concerned about what the outside world thinks, and probably developed that as a coping strategy, also! If that person never develops a true sense of themselves and their own value apart from 'what those outside my immediate sphere think of me,' they'll probably pass the abuse on, just from their desperation to impress the outside world. I'm truly thankful that I was not in the position to abuse others prior to my own recovery! Thanks, Jay!
“The duty of children is to minimize their own needs and meet the needs of the parent.” Wow. How screwed up is it that not long ago, I wouldn’t have questioned that statement? I feel like I grew up in Bizarro world.
@@jwhite5396 - Most of those watching grew up in that same milieu.
WOW brilliant so true me too !! woah +1111111
My Life as a child was like that,thank you Jay ,I 've lived my life not understanding my mother behavior and blaming myself,it's been so tough.Greetings from Spain
I sure do understand what you wrote! And it's so good to know there are others who had the same experience. I appreciate reading everyone's comments.
My ex did that - screamed at me - I called cops and he was "oh my wife is just on her period" - the cops BOUGHT IT!
I've always referred to that Jekyl and Hyde personality behaviour by my parents as 'The Big Fake' . The threat of being beaten within an inch of your life if you did anything to make them look bad in public was real . I was raised to worry more about what everyone else thought of me than to be able to think for myself . It wasn't until I was past my mid teens that I realized no one seemed to be concerned in the least what I thought of them and was able to start turning that self conscious worry around a bit . I've lived a life long rejection of going to church because of my parents' Big Fake behaviour and the violence and ugliness that was hidden at home . Good and accurate description of the home life of scapegoated kids. - I found it quite triggering also .
"Recovery involves knowing that it is now safe to inhabit the private realm of one's self and getting to relate to other people's genuine expression from their private realm". That was so helpful, thank you! I never experienced this growing up and never realized it was a possibility until just recently.
For some reason I felt like i was surrounded by narcissists and bullies outside of the home as well as inside. I was the class clown at school and kind of a daredevil like i would just do anything they told me so that i would get their validation. Or i would just create a huge scene and spread rumors about myself like i had rabies and i was part wolf 😂💔
I think I did something like this. Unfortunately though narcissists exist outside the family too. That’s what stumped me. It kinda reinforced the abuse at home. And then because you are now wounded, you get picked off again…. And again… and again. Until of course you understand that there are people in the world who have completely different objectives at the basic relational level and none of it is to benefit another. Love your videos. Really helpful 😊. Thank you
Where does one find ‘safe’ people in a narcissistic world?
At home, in your parents...
And if they aren't safe, my deepest and most sincere condolences...because you will never find what you are seeking outside of your own self.
Definitely, so astute again, thank you so much. I loved my entire school years as I was so well recieved by my teachers and classmates and at home I made sure I spent a lot of time in solitude or outdoors.
But a parent without shame will attack you in front of other people as well as privately
I completely agree, some of them are cautious though because of their public image and they don't mind holding their horses until they get home, their car or any more private and secretive place to 'give you whar you deserve'.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 Precisely,. They are disgusting predatory hypocrites!
Sometimes it depends on ‘who’ the other people are which adds to the confusion.
Minute 3:15 (three with fifteen seconds) you said "The child really treats the family like crap and sort of exults everyone outside the family..."
I think you made a tiny mistake...could get confusing.
When you, as scapegoat, interact with "outsiders" and see that they are not as horrible and neither are you, this also can develop later as codependency. Perhaps those people could tell the narc jerck that you are a fine kid, which could again cause the parent to enrage with renewed envy.
The narc jerck will isolate you even more so that you can't elicit any nurishment, friendship, etc. or stablish a healing comparison between your wounded self and your true self.
As you mention, one has to strech and twist in almost inimaginable ways to "survive" the narc jerck (or jercks, like in my case) "parent" so that you get adaptability, vision, independence from their sick approval, capacity to be alone and comfort yourself without hurting others, be a good listener, value true friendship (narcs need lots of money and status, as you mentioned, to buy their prey), try always very hard not to follow the jerck's example, even when it's very hard to be that aware all the time.
Thank you very much for your channel, you are quite good at understanding and explaining what it really means to be a scapegoated child...I sometimes think that, perhaps, you also were a scapegoat yourself (with all due respect).
The approach you give to your teachings is unique and exceptional because most people talk about or look for information about relationships with narcs as couples, rarely as children of one of those beasts.
God bless you.
Thank you very much for pointing this out. It was indeed a mixup.
Thank you, you are so very welcome and also I want to apologise for using some rude words in my comment. I guess I got too excited, right?
It won't happen again.
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 my heart goes to you. As a former scapegoat, I understand all this. I see what you wrote was perfectly clear and respectful, I did not see any rude words, or what I would think of as rude. Your response was classic scapegoat child, doubting yourself and apologising for it. ❤️ to you. You are right, absolutely 100% right in your initial comment. Please try to support you, you know more than you realise. 🙏
@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 Adriana : well spotted. You're a careful listener ! Thanks for noticing & clearing confusion. Yes, this therapist really understands so well.
You are doing great work. The personal touch of voice and face…added to good information…is making this form of educational psychotherapy far superior to bibliotherapy. Not only are you good, but some of your peers are as well. I believe that what you all are doing will change many lives. I know my own life is the better for it. Thank you.
Your dog really respects you. "The narcissistic parent treats the family like crap..." yes down to the bone when they are 'nice' this is the most painful because as you know it is weaponized so your trust for others is either totally shot or hard to earn-- .. got it.
Something I find happening often is around some people or people who feel unsafe, including on TV, if one of my child parts gets triggered I have the awful feeling like that persons words are in my own mind stronger than my own thoughts and feelings. I think it happens particularly if I sense it would be threatening not to agree with or to not be well received by a person. I see things through their eyes and I lose touch with my own emotions to such an extent I begin to actually panic, it feels I'm being taken over by this other persons thinking and feelings. An example: I don't enjoy sports but if I'm around an unsafe feeling person who likes sports I start to feel their emotions of liking sports. It gets really unpleasant when the persons thinking is completely at odds with my own and especially with my morality, eg someone glorifying stealing or being rude to people. It's like I have no real control over this.
I've always had this need to " explain" . Explain to the Narrsasist mother/family. Explain that they are junkyard dogs ripping people, places and things to pieces that trigger their narrsasistic injury/shame/unworthiness. I've also noticed through my recovery efforts how the family ' LOVE IT' when somebody takes a fall. It's a supply feast for them..
As a recovering over-explainer, I have learned late in life, that using words to set narcs straight is not effective, but walking away and explaining nothing really works well!
I get it! Now that I've cut most narcs out of my life, I am still explaining in my head to anyone that pops into my mind. I do this most of the time. The days I don't are priceless. I think I do this partly because I am still so frustrated with the unfairness I've experienced and partly to tell my side of the story, wanting to convince people I'm not as bad as the narcs say I am. The narcs definitely like to see others fail, to prove them right and make them look better in comparison. I am now afraid of doing anything wrong, because the narcs can say " see what I mean, you are incompetent"
@@marciaquinnnoren1360 Yes, walking away feels much better than explaining. I finally did this with a friend that didn't like the way I responded to her (I was going grey rock) and didn't like when I said no to a favor she requested.
@@goldieh7121 - Narcissists can’t take ‘NO’ for an answer.
@@goldieh7121 I still explain things to people in my head too! So glad to read someone else does this, I catch myself, explaining my actions, to absolutely no one. I stop and say, you don’t own anyone an explanation. Thank you for your words.
Spot on. In my case my friends' families, youth orchestras and homestay families were a sphere of mental, emotional and psychological relief with huge doses of normality. It was better than TV or movies to watch sane families interact with each in a loving and mutually respectful way. It was a revelation to eat meals together without tension, stress and unpleasant manipulative mind games.
Thank you, Jay :). Very helpful insights. I'm contemplating how if being shamed is seen as a wounding, like a spear through your body, then when one has escaped it seems easier to see the injuries as woundings rather than believing there is something wrong with "me". Easier to recognise spears too!
The duality u talk abt Jay is the significant dissociation from the Real Self.. to a more pliable Shame based Critical Self.. that honours unconsciously the care giver in a position of power vis a vis the vulnerable toddler/ adolescent. It's very basic 2 understand n acknowledge that wth a Narcissist Care taker there is no Fiduciary relationship. You are on your own.. n it dawns upon u in adulthood when you are consciously aware.. that there's this rudimentary condescending self talk going on..
I think it's very very important to have a spiritual and highetend state of curiousity 2 break away from this rigid pattern..n one of the ways u cn achieve that is through Transcendental Meditation.. observing ones Mind..n having True n Genuine Compassion for Life.. n really commending urself for navigating thru what u have been through
💕💕💕
Behind closed doors. Exactly.
🥺❤️Thank you so much for the recognition of my insecurities i have never felt safe anywhere to express
🙏😊it has taken sooooo long to even begin to get better from all i have endured and this helps so so very much ✌️😌💓
Thank you so much for putting this information out there. As an adult I have just recently started to truly uncover what was happening in my home between my mother and I. I am trying to do the work I need to do to face these realities but it is not easy. My heart is breaking as I uncover these truths but I am trying to give myself the love I need. I especially like your video where you talk about how focusing on your breathing can be the pattern interrupt for difficult feelings and memories that arise.
So true. The need to feel accepted so important and the effort I made to be attractive and entertaining and helpful was exhausting. I would eventually feel resentful since other people didn't seem to have to need to impress like I did, just to gain acceptance.
I watch these videos every week and I'm always thinking I'm going to find one that doesn't apply to me or I can't relate to, but it's like every one hits the nail on the head. I especially like this one because I've never thought about why I do this, but I think it's so true that I live my life almost completely externally. I have a great job, lots of friends, I was always athletic, always the funny one. But I'm no good with actual intimate relationships. I think it's true that I feel more safety trying to achieve that role of what I think I'm supposed to be rather than return to the kind of relationships I experienced growing up in my home.
Thanks
In the presence of others the facade must be upheld. Thanks for approaching this topic.
Jumping in to share my experience as I sense choosing to “come out” and publicly share the “secrets” is part of living in defiance of the narcissist’s rules and thus integral to the path of healing. A key takeaway from this video for me was the insight into WHY I have tended to spend so much energy caring about what others think of me. For the first time I see this as a coping mechanism that I depended on, as a way of instilling hope at a young age that I was worthy of the love, acceptance and appreciation I was not receiving from my family. As many scapegoats were I imagine, I was extremely isolated from the world for my first 18 years of life. When I became of the age that I would begin to establish myself as an autonomous being, at 13, I was indefinitely “grounded” by my narcissist father after my mother read my diary (of course without permission) and shared it with my father. I had slept over at a (same gender) friend’s for the first time and shared with my diary how liberating that had been. From then on I was only permitted out of the house to go to school or do things with only my parents (my father GPS-tracked my phone and car, or took them away, or offered them as something I could pay for to use (without the opportunity to make money), got copies of all of my text messages with friends from the phone company and interrogated me about each one, used threats, aggression and physical violence to terrify me of defying his rules, ridiculed me as a “slut” and “whore” for trying to get restaurant jobs at a young age and “work for tips”, and hired private investigators to keep track of me, to list a few of his tactics). Thus I sought much validation from teachers in my schoolwork, from peers in my beauty, in my “goodness”, “integrity” etc etc. Recently the programmed voice inside of me said, “Why didn’t you ever reach out more for help from teachers or friends of your parents?” Of course I was too confused, and thought most would be too smitten in my father’s external projection, or believing of the “troubled teen” identity I had been given, to speak up then, and probably for the best; so I just tried to appeal to them. However, a memorable (traumatic) wake-up moment came when it was time to apply for Ivy League schools. As I had been basically imprisoned by my father, I had no transformational life experience to write about (as we had been encouraged to), and at that point, also had Stockholm syndrome as a coping mechanism to survive my father’s abuse by believing his false projection of himself. Therefore, I wrote my application paper about how wonderful my father was, how he showed me “tough love” through his punishment towards me (how my codependent enabling flying monkey mother used to justify it). When I submitted it to my teacher, who was someone I felt was an ally at the time as I was his top student, he was disgusted. He said, “This doesn’t make me want to accept you to my university. This makes me want to NOT accept you.” After that he totally changed in his treatment of me and began giving me low grades. Clearly he was not a safe person! Fortunately with the immense help of Jay’s videos I am learning to give myself the love and acceptance I did not receive, as well as how to identify and surround myself with safe people. Today (11 years after leaving their house, and 1 month of no contact - this time) I do notice that it is helpful for me to socialize (other than for the great benefit of community support), as the way I can be so well-received reminds me of the rare and valuable person I am, that on my own the programmed voice has tended to shame. Fortunately again with the help of these videos and a (currently) near-constant self-care practice, I am filling myself up and sharing myself with safe people more from an overflowing cup than from a need for validation. Endless gratitude to you, Jay, and my prayers, love, empowerment and hope-filled support to each and every one of you fellow survivors!! You sharing your stories helps me share mine… We are loving, compassionate, trustworthy, creative beings and loving ourselves is our birthright 🙌
Thank you for your explanations!
Ahhh yes, you said it. I was actually thinking about how I was off the hook for a few hours if we had visitors at home. But oh boy, if anybody complemented me too much on my good behaviour I would really cop it later. I was then warned that nobody would believe me if I said anything bad about her. I started to realise that I wasn't the problem, but it was scary when I was young. I wondered what would happen if I misbehaved, but it just wasn't me. I told nobody about the abuse, but not just because I thought I wouldn't be believed, but also because I had friends and I just wanted a normal relationship with them. But it felt burdensome.
Thank you for all these videos! They really help me figure out what is going on with my inner child and heal.
I just wanted to say Thank You! for making these videos. I have asked "why do I do that?" for so many years. I felt like there was something wrong or broken about me. No one really got or understood my side. Now, I can see what I did as an extremely logical coping strategy. It helps me reframe those past experiences and gives me hope for the future. Thank you again for making these videos!
Someone just said to me that people who were victimised then victimise others. i always understood this & forgave & accepted unreasonable life in silence because of it.
I had a school teacher and Sunday school teacher that really nurtured me between ages 8-10. One wanted me to be baptised and my parents mocked me about that but I done it anyway. I had a sense of something bigger than me even then and somewhere inside I knew I couldn’t be so bad if these two amazing women loved me.
Can you do a video on how a scapegoat can determine if they’re married to a narcissist? I’m coming to terms with my family situation and I’ve gone no contact. It’s harder with my husband. He can seem so loving and then turn on me in an instant. I never got any love from my parents. My gut tells me something is wrong, but I’m so scared to trust my gut.
I’m in exactly the same position. Escaped my malignant narc mother and her revolting enabler 5 years ago. My husband betrayed me with them by conspiring with them to remove my only child from the country. They all lied about it, even the 9 year old. I thought he was understanding and loving too, but he turned on me so hard, more than once, it shocked me to remain quiet for a decade. Now I’m free of him, I see it so clearly, I did not trust my gut and it was spot on. Always has been, even when I was not paying attention and took matters into its own hands. As in, I seemed to operate on auto pilot and then all of a sudden have a powerful reaction to something my gut was screaming at. Every single time, my gut was right. Every. Single. Time. Trust your gut, it’s the Truth Teller.
It’s so astonishing how much I didn’t see … knowing the facts but not the screaming why … and you can’t understand how much damage was done until you feel you’re worthy enough for your harm to matter to yourself… to have empathy for myself because it/I hasn’t mattered to them. They’re so cold. I don’t live in that world and never want to live there. These people are so dangerous and miserable. I’m sorry for them. I really am. Even more so I’m sorry for humanity and all the things that contribute to this… whether biological or because we’re not living in healthy natural human tribal conditions and so people are getting so messed up…. and I’m MOST sorry for everybody who has to experience this sh** who isn’t dealing it out! We humans, all of us, are really quite sensitive and complicated and those lost people make such bad internal choices for whatever reason at whatever ages that turn them into horrible people! makes them just AWFUL to people and no guilt on top of that cr** mountain they’ve dumped! all the the people on this planet who don’t do this kind of sh** who found themselves swimming in it-I wish they all knew this!!!!… and so many lost people in systems of power who create misery on Earth too!!! …and we have 10,000 more tools of tyranny available now than ww2 and more power is in fewer and fewer hands! It’s strange how we are so advance “technologically” but until HUMANITY is healed, until humanity is healthy… all technology in the end will be used for toxic power if it can be. After reading 1984 in 7th grade, it made me think a lot… to know my dad so well and know how horribly he wielded his power and to know that men like that can control large amounts of people on the planet 🌎 the solutions globally and healing human relationships really is going to be Love-I consider everything you teach to be about Love and Truth. How could the world learn all this stuff…. Maybe school should go on longer years to teach healthy psychology and human relationship…
Oh wow. Yes. This hits home. Insightful 🙏🏻
like my pastor father??? or my lawyer ex spouse? OH let me tell you - everything you say is spot on! I am starting to just live alone with my dog - I have trust issues now
I can’t even remember what my mom said or did. She wasn’t a screamer. She talked through her teeth a lot and sort of simmered with anger. I lived in fear of what she might be thinking. I got out of that house as soon as I could at age 17. I have grown up feeling utterly worthless and defective, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what happened.
This is the hardest teaching i have heard of yours. I cant locate the pieces and parts of myself that are orchestrating these habits of thought and feeling.
Thank you for your work its really helping
Dear Jay, every point you made is exactly what I experienced as a kid! How good to know someone knows! You are a godsend. Thank you so much.
Thank you. This has been the motivation for a lot of achievements in my life. Then, me, as the scapegoat, makes one mistake and everything I've achieved outside the toxic family system is devalued in a smear campaign. But today, I met an old friend who hadn't heard the gossip. She apologized for accidentally asking how the bad thing that happened was going. I didn't feel ashamed, but rather a kindness of connection to her. Very interesting. I want to explore why I felt this way more.
Being authentic in an inauthentic world will cause alot of rejection as long as you no who u r and it’s not your rejection an staying in your truth wil b hard an bring up a lot of fear because of the worthlessness childhoods we had try not to take anything personal b bold b courageous an u wil sure find out who your family or friends r thicken your skin good luck people an always b kind to yourselves 🙏✌️
I really need help so that i can travel to California please Mr ....narcs have ruined millions of lives in this universe!!!! I have suffer so much due to the narcs?abuse etc......
Wow! You are spot on. I put a lot of energy in my looks for acceptable treatment from others. Most ppl think I’m shallow but I’m actually extremely nice .. unless your cross me. Great video!
Your videos are so validating thank you for all you do. You are helping so many people.
Thank You.
Omg, I'm struggling with this atm. Thanks for the excellent timing.
Your videos are invaluable, very deep. Thank you.
Have you done a video on why a narcissist accuses others of narcissism while doing the very things s/he decries in others?
Hi Jay, firstly - thank you for your incredible videos, I have learnt so much from you, even though I’m just starting my healing journey, and that’s mostly because you create videos that are incredibly informative, and you do so in what feels very much like a ‘safe place’. Therapy has always been so difficult for me and pretty much been re-traumatising, but your videos make me feel like perhaps there’s a chance of recovery in my future... I’d lost that hope for so long and I’m SO grateful for you!!
I have a question for you or for anyone that reads this that has any advice? I grew up with a narcissistic ‘mother’ who absolutely hated me and still does. She left when I was about 12, and I’ve had no contact for about 20yrs now, but the damage was already done. I’ve been in several toxic, violent relationships with narcissists and that’s how I finally started to learn where the roots of my mothers abuse have effected my life choices. My problem is, and it’s overwhelming me with the pain of it, is that although I am positive that I’m not a narcissist, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and I’ve raised my children with many of the same controlling, selfish, harmful, awful traits that my mother raised me. My (young adult) children are clearly suffering and I know it’s my fault. A narcissist cannot/will not change and doesn’t care what damage they do, but I am changing and I do care and I feel like I’ve come out of this ginormous ‘fog’ and now I can clearly see the devastating damage I’ve caused my kids. I love them so much, they’re my world, I don’t know how to heal myself and I don’t know how to heal them???
Children learn by following their parents modeled behavior...not by doing what their parents tell them to do.
Be the change you want to see. ✌️
Inspiring insight, Jay. Thank you
i feel stress or anxiety can make a person go from normal to complete narcissist over night.... that's what happened when my mom had to go to work when i was in high school.... before that she was never critical etc
Can narcissistic behavior in a parent not be as obvious in the early childhood and adolescence experience of a child but become very pronounced in the child's adulthood when the child's success and separation becomes very clear, leading the child very confused as to who the parent really is?
Jay, thank you so much for your insightful videos!
You explained my life to a Tee!!
You have been such a blessing during my healing journey!
Thank you sooo much!!
Much love!! 🙏💛💜💚
It was a slap in my face when I read my late father’s obituary.
All these comments were way off base. One described him as “kind”, and that couldn’t be further from the truth! Whoever wrote that had absolutely no idea what his true nature was.
The example about answering the phone and being all nice- my mother would go through that and then flip back to rage. Same with people who came to the house- the minute they left she would be on about how stupid they were etc. I could never figure it out. Problem is, my parents did fostering, and the social workers thought they were saints. Hah. Those kids were tormented, though not physically like we were, just mentally.
Mine was exactly the same. Screeching at me, then turn to the phone or door, all sweetness and light. So fake. As soon as people left, she would rip into her enabler about what so and so said and how stupid so and so was. He would get trapped for hours while she ripped everyone apart. I used to feel bad for him, her enabler, not any more. People had no idea how much she secretly loathed them and looked down on them but would pretend to the ‘loveliest woman’. No clue you just met pure evil.
You understand so much
I was voted class clown.
I don’t find all to much very funny these days.
My cousins want me the same as when we were younger, they don’t understand so much.
When we say survivor of narcissistic abuse it s implied that there a non survivors as well. Can you talk about the difference between them and perhaps paint a little picture of non survivors?
Hi Jaye, thank you for this interesting vid. Could this psychological coping mechanism relate to the painful and debilitating loneliness I experience when I’m alone?
Hi Jay just found your channel and there’s plenty to relate too. Was wondering if you’d ever do a vid on what happens when you have two parents on the spectrum? Your insight on that would be interesting
Wholly crap- this should be titled “the source of people pleasing.”
3:13 I think you may have made a mistake and said when the "child treats the family like crap" lol
Why I think public school can be a salvation.
ya when people asked is everything alright, r ur parents getting a divorce ? lol.... im just like ya everything is fine but me.... and theres nothing that can be done about it
You could also title this video, “How musicians are made.”😅
tbh american culture has become more and more narcissistic in general.... protect the innocent, young and unborn❤❤❤... dont prey on them...